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The Zen of Cool

How to Be as Cool as a Cucumber

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Be Unflappable at All Times 8
Aloofness 11
Staying Unfazed 23
Zen 36
Underreacting 48

Sprezzatura 56

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What Does It Mean to Be Cool?

Before we get too deep in, lets take a breath and define cool. What is it?

When a lot of people think of "smooth," the image they get in their heads is of a used car
salesman with the perfect pitch who, try as he might, can't help but rub you a little bit the
wrong way... maybe it's because he just won't shut up, or maybe it's how every word out of
his mouth seems to be something he's practiced a hundred times before.

But that's not smooth; that's slick.

Because while you might picture James Bond in a tuxedo with a hint of a smirk on his
face when you think of smooth, you don't have to dress like a penguin just to be smooth.

Smooth isn't about your clothes, you see (as evidenced by the clip above).

And it isn't about being snarky or witty, although a little well-placed humor doesn't hurt (if
you watch the rest of The Saint, you'll see Kilmer use humor as that character later on too).
Nor is it about talking a mile-a-minute and never letting the other person get a word in
edgewise, per the used car salesman example.

Rather, being smooth is about being both confidently strong and purposeful and completely
non-needy in the face of whatever you encounter.

And in case you think that's too vague, let's get a little more specific.

The word cool as a positive description of an individual entered the modern lexicon to
describe someones composure:

Hes as cool as a cucumber.

All that means is that hes calm; hes impassive; hes unmoving.

Rather than hot and high-spirited, he is suave and composed. Maybe even calculating... or at
least thinking 3 or 4 steps ahead of everyone else in the room.

We look with admiration upon people who remain unflappable even in high stress situations
(and in fact, this will be a central tenet for our understanding how to be cool), and we do so
with almost alarming breadth.

Being Smooth: An Outsider's Perspective

When you're sitting on the outside, looking in at a guy who's smooth, it looks to you
essentially like this:
Nothing fazes him
Everything is natural
Everything is effortless
He's always in control of things
He's never stiff or uncomfortable

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Even setbacks are handled with ease and adroitness, as if he's seen it all and done it all
a million times before already

But here's the long and short on effort: women and men alike find the individuals with the
highest level of return on their actions and the lowest level of apparent visible effort
exerted to achieve results to be the most attractive.

If you want a cookie, and I want a cookie, and I've got to get up to go get it, but you can snap
your fingers and have someone bring it to you, or push a button and the cookie is delivered
down a conveyor belt to you, you look cooler, stronger, and more powerful and attractive
than me.

Effort - and the minimization thereof - is undoubtedly a part of being smooth.

But it isn't the whole picture.

So what is? How do you get those other parts - how do you stop being fazed, always be in
control, kill stiffness and discomfort, and handle every setback encountered like you've seen
it a hundred times before, even if you've never even seen it once?

I could get clich on you here and just say, "Well, confidence, of course! Duh!"

But that's the easy answer (and not a very helpful one, at that). Instead, today's article is going
to take a far more nuanced look at how to be smooth, in order that you might make attraction
and transition handling far more snap... than snafu.

You will also frequently notice that many experienced military veterans and many successful
entrepreneurs also come across as extremely cool this is not just the domain of those with
their empathy switches turned off. Why? In their cases, theyve generally faced massive
amounts of hardship and punishment, and come through a crucible of trials and tribulations
and survived:
The military man surviving basic training, combat, and hazing experiences, putting
himself through a gauntlet of discipline and navigating the military chain of command
when hes typically come from a loose and supervision-free background
The entrepreneur surviving years of near-failure, trying to not go out of business
despite no income and spiraling debt, fighting with the world to make it, beating back
vultures who want to prey on his meager early successes, figuring out a path without
anyone to guide him, and emerging as one of the few success stories in a realm where
9 out of 10 fail out within a few years, and most of the remaining 1 out of 10 never
make more than a middle class income.

On the other side of these experiences, the other side of the fire, is a level of self-sufficiency
and a degree of seen it all, been through it all that the average man does not know and
cannot know, which leaves the military veteran or entrepreneurial success story or others
similar to them cooler and calmer and less intimidated by the vagaries of life than the
majority of the masses around him.

Being cool at all time is a very important trait. Being able to appear under control at all times
is a characteristic that will draw others to you. Tightly wound or stressed out people who are
always on the verge of a breakdown or flip out whenever the slightest thing goes wrong are

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no fun to be around. Many people may not believe they have what it takes, but by following
these steps anyone can be cool as a cucumber.

How to Be Smooth with Women (and Everyone Else)

Can a college student be smooth? How about a software engineer? A construction worker? An
office manager?

Yes, yes, yes... and yes.

Smooth doesn't have anything to do with your profession.

Nor does it have anything to do with your physical characteristics - those smooth friends of
mine I told you about in Southern California made up a full spectrum of ethnicities: one of
them was Korean American, one of them was white, and one of them was black. Two were in
great shape, but one was stick thin. One was an inch over 6 feet tall, one was three inches
below that, and another was another three inches below him. And those famously picky,
beautiful California girls loved all of them.

And the first "smooth" guy I ever knew was a 5'3" Puerto Rican salesman with a beer gut
who only slept with attractive women who had at least 4 inches on him... and he slept with
a lot of attractive women who had at least 4 inches on him.

Smooth doesn't even have to do with energy levels; I've seen guys who were bouncing off the
walls but still oozing smooth, and I've seen guys who hardly ever lifted a finger dripping with
smooth.

Smooth is not about your look, or your characteristics, or your background or


profession. Those things might matter somewhat for other aspects of attraction, but they
don't play a part in smooth.

What smooth IS, ultimately, is all about THIS:

Being clearly and comfortably in control.

Sort of like the used car salesman example, when a lot of people think of a man being "in
control," they get the wrong idea. Usually they think of:
A big muscular alpha male jock barking orders and intimidating everyone around
him
An angry, unevenly tempered man snapping at the slightest straying from his orders
by his submissive and retreating girlfriend
A guy sitting at the top of his social circle, in his preferred environment, who's used to
having things go his way and giving commands and having his friends or toadies
fulfill them

But none of those are truly in control. The first two examples are men who are maintaining
control by a hair; they only remain in control so long as they can continue intimidating those
they control. The instant those being controlled wise up to their act, or no longer need them,
their illusion of control vanishes, and their subjects simply walk away.

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And the third example, of the guy in his social circle, his control doesn't last, because it
doesn't translate. At some point, his friends move to other cities, or get married, or get a job
that takes up their time and they stop being able to hang out. If his power is at work, his
employees leave, he changes jobs or gets promoted or changes departments, and suddenly his
powerbase is gone. It's a very fleeting form of control... and it doesn't to anything for his
success with women outside of the one environment where he pulls his strings at.

Those normal examples people think of when they think of someone in control are wrong,
because they imagine a man who is seemingly in control, while in fact is on the very
precipice of losing control.

Real control though, you do not lose, even when things don't go your way.

Now let's have a look at how you can get it, and at how to be smooth... and, by extension,
at how to get girls by the boatload.

Why do women find a man comfortably and stably in control so attractive?

We could go deep into evolutionary psychology on this one... but rather than do that, allow to
give you a few examples of different men:
1. A weak, emotionally needy man who is not in control at all
2. A man who is in control, but hanging on by a thread and using fear/intimidation
3. A man who is easily and effortlessly in control, comfortable, and smooth

Which man would you want to have around you in any capacity? Which man strikes you as
the most stable and trustworthy as the bunch? Which man would you want to have as a
friend, a business partner, a brother-in-arms in a time of war?

And which one do you think a woman would want to invest her time, her energy, and her
body into?

It's pretty obvious when you put it that way, isn't it: the third one. Hands down.

Everybody wants to be around a man who's smooth. The man who knows how to be smooth
knows how to command the attention, attraction, and desire of the masses.

But, knowing what it is is one thing... actually being it, well - that's something else
altogether. You may have watched that video clip of Kilmer above... but can you do that?
And even if you pull it off at the start... can you maintain that?

Be smooth. Being smooth is on the highest level of the charm ladder. Once youre smooth,
itll be very easy for you to transition to being confidently charming when needed. Learn how
to be smooth and youll learn the final key to the deadly combination of sexy/charming.

Charm can definitely be mastered, and when used right, it can help you get in the good graces
of everyone in your girls life, and help your girl develop loyalty and old love for you.

Just make sure you remain sexy and strong while exercising your charms.

Use your new abilities wisely.

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How to Be Cool: The 4-Part Coolness Formula

There are three stages of becoming smooth that you will go into (assuming you're just an
ordinary, average guy who isn't already in the process of being smooth). These are:
1. Understanding what "smooth" is and trying to be it... somewhat awkwardly
2. Becoming more smooth and having "lucky breaks" where you seem very smooth
3. Reaching the point where you are now naturally smooth almost always

I'm going to take you through each of these, and give you plenty of examples of how they
play out and what they look like, both in normal conversation, and during the transition
points (moving things forward with women), where smoothness is at its most essential.

How do you transform someone who doesnt get it whom others laugh at, make fun of,
disrespect, or ignore into someone they look up to, gravitate toward, and esteem?

To do this, of course, you need good tactics you need to be able to give them the what to
do; but more than this, you need the underlying principles: what is it about cool people
that just makes them so damn cool?

Well, after years of non-starters on an article about this, I will say that I have successfully
boiled cool down to four (4) core elements that are eminently doable and absolutely
teachable.

Get all four of these right, and you will be without question unstoppably, unspeakably,
almost unbearably cool.

And the best news is, all any of them takes is a little practice and, yes... a little discipline.

Obviously then, unflappability is one part of our 4-part formula. Heres what all four of the
parts are:
1. Always provides value; never only takes it
2. Remains cool and unflappable; always in control
3. Sticks to the Law of Least Effort religiously
4. Breaks the rules at least some of the time

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Be Unflappable at All Times

This is the one that seems to trip peoples kneejerk reactions most often: Why should I have
to be calm and controlled all the time? Sometimes life is unpredictable! This is
a completely unreasonable expectation!

Heres the thing though: how cool does anybody reacting that way appear to you to be?

Remains cool and unflappable; always in control does not mean that they do
not feel emotion, either. Cool people can, and do, feel, just like regular people. What it means
instead (and again, much more to come on this in just a moment) is that
they modulate (control and temper) their external emotional displays, and force themselves to
think before they act. You might just as easily say that they are very careful about how they
react in all manner of situations.

The man who knows how to be cool knows how to stay in control. Hes the one on top of the
ball in all situations, and no matter how insane things get, theyre either playing into his
hands, or will be shortly.

Why is this cool? Because all cool is, ultimately, is a signal of social preeminence, and
the man who knows how to pull out a win out of even the most dire situations is inevitably
the man we look to in those and other situations. He is the truest, most reliable, and
most admirable kind of man: hes the kind wed all secretly (or not so secretly) like to be.

Before you say, But I have emotions! keep in mind that unflappable doesnt mean you
never show any emotion ever.

The cool man gets angry when the situation calls for it; and he shows passion when the time
comes.

However, even in these moments of emotion, he remains in control of his surroundings,


and himself. His passions are directed passions, and at no point does he relinquish control of
the moment.

The cool mans anger is never an impotent cry of, Why? Its not fair! but rather a powerful
one of, This is an outrage and you will pay.
The cool mans passion is never a pleading one of, Ill do anything to be with you! but
rather a mighty one of, I will ravish you; I will give you the experience of a lifetime.

Here are some of the mistakes individuals make along these lines that make them look
patently uncool:
Begging or pleading. Nothing says, I have no control over my life or person, like
begging or pleading. Please! I need your help! Ill do anything! Subtract 50 cool
points then and there. Not only does this make you look the polar opposite of
unflappable and in-control, but it also makes you an instant social burden here is
this person whos so low value socially that he cant offer you anything for your
help... all he can do is beg it. Makes one wonder what all those men are thinking who
write songs for the radio begging women to give them a second chance... because if
she was ambivalent about them before, one spin of that song on the radio and she
will despise them after.

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Complaining, bitterness, and victim mentality. Next in line is
complaining, bitterness, and victim mentality. Why do people do / become these
things? People complain when they want something and cant get it. People become
bitter when they want something and cant get it repeatedly. And people descend into
victim mentality when they want something and cant get it over the long-term with
just about everything in their lives. Now which of these communicates power,
control, efficacy, and capability?None of em. And theyre among the most off-
putting behaviors you can put on display.
Being a sore loser. Everyone loses, quits, and fails at things. Cool people probably do
more than most, actually because, very often, they have more active lives with more
experiences, and try many new things.Failure is an inescapable part of this. There are
many ways to handle failure gracefully that actually enhance your cool and cause
others to admire you more but uncool people dont do these. If they fail at
something, they go whine, pout, and mope around. They blame others for their failure.
They dismiss the thing they failed at as a waste of time or beneath them or not
worth it anyway. But everyone who hears someone say something like this knows
what it really means; it isnt an accurate judgment of the worth of the thing being
assessed, but rather a mark of the proclaimers inability to control his outcome and get
the result he so very much desired. Not cool.
Indecision. Lets go here... no wait, lets go there. Why dont you pick... no, I
dont like that choice of yours. Nah, that ones no good either. What, ME pick? No, I
dont really have an opinion... Wait, so should I do this? Or the other one? How to
choose... Indecision due to lack of information is understandable but what a cool
person does in this case is to decisively pursue the required information. Dont know
whats behind Door #1 or Door #2? So, before I choose one of these, whats behind
Door #1 and Door #2? They wont tell you and theres no way to get that
information? Then just pick one. Unless youre telepathic, the answer wont just
come to you. Its not hard to be decisive but many people arent, and its major
negative cool points when you cant make up your mind.

The uncool person appears weak and impotent to the outside observer because he follows a
set of rules whereby he strips himself (or, as he would see it, is stripped by unbeatable outside
forces) of all his power:
1. If other people have things he wants, all he can do is hope theyll share
2. When life goes awry, he complains, hoping others will hear and help him
3. When he loses, he pouts, hoping others will give him consolation
4. When its time to decide, he puts it off, not wanting to risk being wrong

... meanwhile, the cool person does and thinks the opposite of these:
1. If others have things he wants, he just needs to find out what THEY want
2. When life goes awry, he grabs his balls and gets back out there to fix it
3. When he loses, he accepts this graciously, and resolves to do better next time
4. When its time to decide, he simply decides; if hes wrong, no big deal

In this case, there are two (2) key mindset differences between the cool vs. the uncool
approach to control over ones own life and sphere (and, to a degree, all the people and
situations within it).

The first of these, related to personal power and effectiveness, is:


The uncool person sees himself as a recipient of the effects of life

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The cool person operates as an actor who causes lifes effects

The second of these, related to the seriousness of life, is:


The uncool person takes everything VERY seriously its all a big deal
The cool person takes everything in stride if it doesnt work out, Ill try again

These two little differences lead to an ENORMOUSLY different way of dealing with the
world, with opportunities, with risks, and with hardship.

Where the uncool person tosses up his hands in the face of adversity and says,
See? More proof that its utterly futile! the cool person only smiles, squints, and says, You
want to play hard, life? Well, I play harder.

The latter the man with grit is the kind of man we admire and respect.

These are all mentalities you can develop, and to some extent are a lifelong endeavor. The
things you have the least experience with (and the least successwith) you will always tend to
blow up into the biggest deals and view as the most life-or-death issues around you. The more
experienced and the more successful you become, the less of a big deal they are.

Which is another reason that very calm, cool, devil may care, unflappable men seem so
damn powerful the implication is that theyve been there, done that, and succeeded in
all manner of arenas.

They are lifes winners. They are the victors.

And everybody wants to be friends with the winner.

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Aloofness
Cultivate an Air of Disinterest

The very definition of cool is being calm, composed, under control, not excited, indifferent,
and socially adept. Many times, cool people are those that don't get excited about things, that
don't always have to talk, unless they have something cool to say.

1. Be Mildly Bored Tamp Down Your Enthusiasm

Being indifferent means being dispassionate about the things that happen around you. Instead
of being caught up in drama and emotion, enjoy the show! People all around you are getting
involved in their own production -- how great it would be to sit back and watch, carefree. It's
mind over matter, truly.

Don't get excited about things easily, develop your inner sense of disinterest. Stay cool and
aloof, as if you've always got something totally rad happening every night after school, or on
the weekends.

People usually get excited when they care about something. To remain cool as a cucumber
you must remain detached and keep from getting excited over anything. People lose their
cool when something good or bad happens to something or someone they care about. In order
to prevent excitement, it is vital to make sure nothing is important to you. Don't get too
excited about anything, or anybody.

For example, don't act too excited when you get invited to a party you really want to go too.
Just say something like "that sounds good man. See you there."

Be a bit aloof. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak to people, be interested when
someone speaks, or smile. It just means that you shouldn't wave excitedly when you see the
coolest kid in class. Don't run up to someone and starts rambling. Play it cool. Nod your head,
smile, and say hello. Remember - less is more.[8]

Don't try too hard to be liked, to be accepted, or to be known. Don't care so much about those
things. Leave the obsessing to other people. Keep your focus on staying cool, calm, and
collected.[9]

When you're talking to women, you want to come across as mildly bored. You need to have
an air of "I'd rather be anywhere but here" whatever it is that you're doing.

Watch any movie with a leading, sexy man, and you'll see this. Brad Pitt's a master at it; you
can look at his face, and immediately intuit that he could care less about anything, but he's
still somewhat curious and interested regardless.

That's pretty good as a benchmark, I think: Brad Pitt's curious indifference -- that's where you
want to get to. Leave the negs for the guys who haven't figured this out yet.

Imagine Brad Pitt or George Clooney talking to a woman. Think of the expression on their
faces. Mild amusement, mild boredom. They've done this a million times before already.
That's the look you want.

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Here's an interview with Brad Pitt that shows the difference in facial expressions pretty well -
watch it with an eye on both A) how he looks in the movie at the start of the clip (bored,
mildly amused, in-charge and on his own turf) and B) how he looks in the interview (alert,
explanatory, pitching on someone else's turf) - you don't need to watch the whole thing, just
the first minute or so

Note the difference in facial expressions and nonverbal communication - in the movie he's
laid back, his movements are slower, his smile is smaller and more mild amusement; in the
interview he's upright, leaning in, his movements are quicker, his smile is broader and more
aiming to please.

Most guys when talking to women are more like Brad Pitt in the interview than Brad
Pitt in the movie. Brad Pitt in the interview makes people want to sit back and let him do the
work of trying to be impressive. Brad Pitt in the movie makes you want to go on alert and try
to please and spit it all out to impress him.

Be Brad Pitt in the movie, and women will want to talk volumes to you.

The bored look is when you do the following:


Raise your eyebrows a bit
Move your eyes off to the side partway
Pull your lips in somewhat into a bit of a slight "I give up" kind of smile
Sigh a little, almost imperceptibly
Wait a moment after starting the above, then slowly turn your head gradually a little to
the side
Keep the rest of your body as pointed toward her as it was before don'tclose off.

That's the backbone of curious indifference; you've got to seem rather bored and indifferent
with everything around you -- including this girl you're about to go talk to.

Now, slap a small, polite smile on your face as you walk up to her, or as you glance over at
her, and start talking to her (the guy in the picture above has curious indifference written all
over his face; take a look). Talk in a laid back, somewhat bored, somewhat interested tone of
voice, and you've got it.

Then, voila -- she's now more interested in you than if you used a thousand negs.

And you didn't even have to make her feel bad.

Curious indifference succeeds where negs fail. Negs are supposed to get a woman chasing
you for validation; they usually backfire and cause women to go cold and enter into auto-
rejection.

Curious indifference paints you as just a really chill guy, who isn't fazed one iota by her looks
/ style / status -- whatever might cause another guy to neg her -- and instead is curious about
her -- just not excited.

The curiously indifferent guy's opening salvo of conversation looks something like this:

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Him: I saw you sitting over here, and I just had to come tell you that you have the most
amazing sense of style I've seen all day. I'm Tim.
Her: [smiling] I'm Elsa.
Him: Hi Elsa. What's that you're reading?
Her: Oh, it's a book on French history.
Him: Oh wow! You're pretty smart then.
Her: [laughs] Not really...
Him: So tell me, how'd you end up on a park bench in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon
reading about French history?
Her: Umm... well! I had to do some reading for class, and it was such a nice day, I decided to
do it outside.
Him: Sounds like a wise decision.
Her: What are you doing out today?
Him: That's a good question. I'm not really sure.
Her: [laughs] You're not sure why you're outside today?
Him: Is that hard to believe? Cabin fever, maybe? Hopefully it isn't contagious.
Her: I hope not...!
Him: So you're, what, getting a degree in French and then you'll go live in Paris a few years?
Her: Actually, my major's engineering, but I've always been interested in France.
Him: A female engineer?! You're pretty well-versed.
Her: [laughs] Thanks. What are you studying?
Him: Oh, I'm not in school. Didn't make the cut I guess.
Her: [laughs] Really?
Him: No, I'm kidding, I already graduated. I majored in business. So tell me a little about this
French fascination. You're going to travel the world engineering Eiffel Towers all over, or
what's the plan?

He seems calm, almost indifferent in a way, but also interested and curious and, dare I say, a
little sexy, although that might be hard to get a read on since we can't see him or hear him.
But to the girl, that's how he is.

Why looking distracted works. The cool thing the bored look does is it makes women
conscious of how theyare affecting you. Everyone does this, and women are just as guilty of it
as anyone else: they focus on themselves and don't pay as much attention to the other person's
emotions and experience with them. As soon as a girl sees you getting distracted and
looking bored though, it's going to flood her with a bunch of questions, doubts and
emotions that will get her back on track:
Am I being boring?
Am I being socially inelegant?
Is this guy a very high value guy? Lower status guys never act bored with me.
Did I misread this guy? Maybe I should pay more attention to this conversation.

Summed up, using the bored look makes women more conscious of trying to connect
with you in a conversation and inspires them to work harder and invest more, and it
causes them to view you as a more powerful, higher status male.

Low status men who are trying to get anything they can get will never dare to show boredom
around a pretty girl. They're too afraid of losing her.

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It's only the sexy, high status men who are comfortable displaying boredom. Because of
this, women recognize boredom as a high status trait. Scratch that;people recognize
boredom as a high status trait. Men respond to this just as well as women do (well... when
men pick up on it, anyway! Some guys are totally oblivious to other people's boredom).

Again, be judicious; don't overuse the bored look with women who really are trying to give
you good conversation, who are actively contributing, and who clearly want to see things
succeed with you. But, if a girl's half-assing it if she isn't investing nearly as much as
she ought to be if she's treating you like just another Joe Schmoe letting yourself get
a little distracted is very often going to be the key you need to get her to shape up her
act and get with the program. You might be surprised how effective it is but no need to
take my word for it, take the bored look for a test drive and see for yourself! I think you'll be
quite pleased with the results it gets you.

Dont be too cool for school. If you haven't worked much on your nonverbals, and haven't
trained yourself up in having that mix of curiosity / interest and boredom / indifference (the
mix is important -- too much curiosity and you seem overeager; too much indifference
and you cause women to shut down and go cold), this is something you'll want to start
implementing immediately.

Most people who are just starting out overdo these and come off blatant and unsubtle.
But, subtlety is a big part of determining whether the bored look is effective or whether
it's just plain rude.

Look at the guy in the picture. Notice that he's not turning his head entirely away, nor is he
turning his eyes entirely away from the girl. He's just kind of saying, "Ah, whatever," with his
face. That's what we're talking about with the bored look.

Most men who are learning how to deal with the situations the bored look addresses begin
with over the top stuff instead like back turns to show displeasure and disinterest. The
problem with overly showy things like back turns is, those things make a game out of
it. It makes the guy very entertaining, and simultaneously very hard to be taken seriously.
Girls see guys making a show of their proclaimed displeasure, and they think it's a game.
Oftentimes, these girls will then work even harder to do the thing they're doing, participating
in the game.

But if a girl is truly being rude or boring or negative, you don't want her thinking you're
playing a game with her, because if she thinks you're playing a game with her in response to
her bad behavior, it's as though you're signing off on that behavior and telling her to keep on
with it. It's as though you've told her it's okay to treat you rudely or be boring or
negative around you, and that you'll accept that kind of behavior and play with her on
it.

And that's not good.

Let's do a quick summary of what the bored look is and isn't, so you can know when you're
doing it right. I should note that the bored look isn't the skeptical look; it's similar, but
different. In the skeptical look, you keep your eyes fixed firmly on the girl's and tuck your
chin down. With the bored look, you'll be letting your eyes float distractedly away from hers,
and your chin will be raising, if anything.

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What the bored look is:
Recognizable but still subtle
Straightforward and direct.

What the bored look is not:


Over-the-top, gamey, and showy
Something done for the entertainment value of a girl.

You may think that its cool to act like youre too good for school or like you have better
places to be, but in fact, acting like youre too cool for school will just make you look like
someone who is kind of boring, or who doesnt have anything hes passionate about.

2. Act Like You've Been There Already

According to an analysis of "cool kids" one of the traditional markers of coolness is that other
people perceive that cool people are more experienced, mature, and knowledgeable than they
are.

A smooth man is never amazed, or awed, or overly impressed by anything. He will show
flashes of excitement and animation... but he never goes crazy. Nothing is truly "new" for
him... he's seen it all before.

Think about it: there is nothing new under the sun. Why jump up and down about things? It
would only make you look immature and uncool.

That doesn't mean you need to have spent time under the bleachers, at underground rock
clubs, or in foreign countries to give off a cool vibe, nor does it mean you need to start
bragging about things you've never done. You can learn to put on a mysterious and
experienced act that people will believe.

Practice vague responses to specific questions about your experiences that will seem cool. If
someone asks if you're a virgin, or have ever smoked a cigarette, say, "What is this, a sewing
circle?" or "That's a boring question" and change the subject. Throw it back in their face.

What this means for you as a beginner is you will have to tamp down your reactions and keep
them controlled. A clown on stilts walks by? You don't say, "Wow, oh my God, look at that!
It's so cool!" Instead, you casually glance at it, then turn back to whomever you're speaking
with and say, "That's neat. So anyway..." A girl tells you she's been selected to go on some TV
show? You don't say, "No way! That's amazing!" Rather, you say, in a neutral, almost bored
tone, "Oh no way... that's really cool. How'd you pull that off?" as if you're mildly
disinterested but making polite conversation.

If this seems "unnatural" to you, that's fine. You don't have to do it. You can simply wait until
you're 50 or 60 years old, and you really HAVE seen it all and heard it all before, and be
smooth then.

But if you'd rather not wait 20 or 30 or 40 or however many years you have to get there, start
tamping down your enthusiasm now.

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3. Tamp Down Your Other Reactions, Too

A smooth man does not take what other people say seriously, because a smooth man
understands that if someone is REALLY serious, that person will not spend time talking about
it, or threatening it... he will simply go do it.

What that means is, when you have a girl fuming and saying she's going to leave, or a guy
standing in your face filled with rage telling you he's going to pound you into the
dirt... neither of them is ready to do it yet. Otherwise, they'd be doing it.

So, you force yourself to remain calm - don't react, don't backtrack, don't apologize - and
simply handle the situation.

You tell the girl, "No, stay; I like talking to you. If you really want to go, you can go in five
minutes." You hold out your hand and say, "I'm Jake," and maintain eye contact with a smile
on your face until he shakes it. Afterward, you say, "I figure if we're going to fight each other,
we might as well get properly introduced first."

And, suddenly, they're disarmed by your smoothness. That's because the escalation process
is one of escalating confidence; someone who is emotionally escalating is also checking
you for reactiveness to confirm that he or she is making the right decisions. If a woman
doesn't see you desperate or upset to see her leave, but rather calmly telling her to stay, she
becomes confused and realizes her emotions aren't appropriate for the situation; if a petulant
man doesn't see you fearful or apologetic or confrontational in the face of his belligerence,
but rather calmly introducing yourself and opening up a dialogue, unaffected by the situation,
he becomes confused and realizes his emotions aren't appropriate either.

4. Nonchalance No Big Deals

A famous author once wrote: Don't sweat over small things and everything is small!
Maintain your posture in front of a falling mountain.

Have a look at this scene from Dr. No - the very first James Bond on-screen appearance in
movie history:

Of particular importance, note how Sean Connery (as James Bond) treats Eunice Gayson's
character after he gets up from the poker table and she follows suit. There's no big production
out of him - he isn't shaking her hand or excited to meet her or asking her a hundred questions
or asking her if she wants to see a magic trick.

Instead, he walks calmly and casually along, acting like as if they're already old friends -
or, as if she's already his girlfriend or lover.

This is the kind of "first meeting" you'll see the man with a devil may care attitude making
with women. I can tell you from personal experience - friends tell me when they see me pick
up a girl, it doesn't look like what they'd expect... instead, it just looks like two old friends
meeting, having a good conversation together, and then leaving together.

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The function of this is that it removes the pressure off an interaction. It makes itnot "high
stakes." That way, it's just a calm, relaxed meeting between two people - with electric
sexual undertones, of course.

Everything with him is Law of Least Effort and sprezzatura.

The feeling behind this is one of flirtation. When you're acting this way with a woman you've
just met, what it feels like is like you are teasing and flirting with this new girl, and seeing if
she'll play along. It's almost a form of role-play - you're acting as if the two of you are long-
time acquaintances. It's a little fun, a little exciting, because you're fooling the outside world;
to everyone around you, it appears the two of you go way back.

But only you and her really know the truth.

There are no big deals.

Know that it's no big deal. Whatever it is. Seriously. It is no big deal. In the grand scheme
of things, few things are. Maybe the eventual collapse of the universe? That seems pretty
huge. But that zit in the middle of your forehead? That comment Trang made that may or may
not have been malicious? Nope and nope. Why should these tiny things get any reaction or
emotion of out you?

When nothing is a big deal, it's hard to be phased. However, it's hard to get happy too. Know
that this is a give and take. So while you won't care that your stupid scum of a boyfriend
dumped you, you also won't feel super ecstatic when you get that job promotion...because it's
all no biggie.

Don't take yourself (or anything) too seriously. All of life becomes infinitely easier when
you come to the conclusions that nothing is that big of a deal. We are all well-oiled specks of
dust on this amazing blue planet, and if today isn't going our way, well, that's just how the
cookie crumbles. Bad things will happen and good things will happen. Why get worked up
about it?

You've probably met someone who takes themselves way more seriously than they should.
They're wound up, constantly caring what other people think of what they're doing, saying,
and what they look like. In reality, others aren't really thinking about them at all. Just
watching them is exhausting because they're wound up so tight. Be the opposite of that
person, and the nonchalance will come.

Don't Make the Asking Out a Big Deal

"Miss," I asked that girl back in 8th grade, in front of pretty much the entire school, "would
you do me the honor of accompanying me to our graduation dance?"

Nope, I wasn't trying to be cute. Yep, I was dead serious.

And yeah, no, don't do that.

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I guess if you lived on the American frontier or you were a sea captain in jolly old England a
hundred years ago or something, formality and big-deal-making was a nifty way of having
stuff feel special.

Now it just makes everybody nervous. Who wants to be invited on some big, fancy date?

The order of the day in the modern era is "casual." Nobody goes and does formal courtship
anymore. In fact, the only time you'll ever even hear women talking about how much they
wished a man would ask them on a formal date is when they're near the end of their twenties,
and they start talking about how they've had their fill of one-night stands and bad boys and
now they're finally ready to have a gentleman come and court them and eventually marry
them and take care of them.

Meantime, of course, while some guy is courting them, they're often still having casual
things going on with the less formal guys. I know, because I've been both of those guys.
Whatever you might hear otherwise, women don't like formal dates. They don't respond to
them. They might think it's a classy, romantic idea, but formal dates don't get women in your
bed, and they don't get women being your lovers or your girlfriends the majority of the time
either.

Formal dates kinda suck.

So then what do you do? You simplify your dates -- more on this later -- and you ask women
out in a super chill, casual way.

Like so:

Hey Becky, what's your schedule like this week? Let's grab some food or a drink.

Boom, done. Not so hard once the formality's gone. Don't kill yourself trying to figure out
exactly the perfect thing to say -- you're just asking her out.

Develop the perfect "shrug." When someone comes up to you with a hot piece of gossip,
this is your go-to response. It doesn't have to be an actual shrug, but it's essentially the
equivalent. "Oh, that's nice. Where did you hear that from?" is a good verbal shrug when the
other person is expecting you to say, "Ohmigod, are you serious?!" You're essentially letting
everything in one ear and out the other.

It's good to have a sort of "mental shrug" attitude, too. The milk spilled? Shrug. Guess you
should probably clean that up, huh? You gained a few pounds? Shrug. More salad tomorrow.

Just found out you won an all-expenses paid trip to Mexico? Shrug your shoulders: "Sounds
cool, I guess." Your boyfriend just broke it off with you in front of all your friends? Laugh it
off. He was a loser anyway.

Be Cool When She Says "Yes"

Yes, it's awesome that she said she'll go out with you. That doesn't mean cartwheels and
victory chants are in order in (well, not in earshot, anyway).

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A lot of less experienced guys, when a girl says "yes" to them, they either get really excited...
or they get really weird and awkward.

Needless to say, you don't want to go either of those routes, so be prepared for that and
prime yourself to be normal after you ask her.

How do you do that? You make a personal note -- internally, before you ever go talk to her --
that no matter what she says, you're going to be cool.

And after you ask her out and she gives you her answer, you're going to continue the
conversation on as if nothing else had happened.

Here's what you won't do:


Get really excited
Get really nervous
Start talking to her about the date
Start telling her you're really glad she said yes
Start trying to plan out logistics or timing or scheduling
Do or discuss anything overly factual or logical

Here's what you will do:


Talk to her exactly the same as you were before
Pick up on a topic you were on before you asked her out if you need one

Mind goes blank? Ask her what she's got planned for the rest of the day -- that's an easy
one. Just make it smooth, natural, and make sure she doesn't have any cause for concern
about her decision to say "yes!"

If you stick with these tips and insights on how to ask a girl out, I'm confident you're going to
start getting just about every girl you ask on a date agreeing to go out with you.

At the very least, you'll be a very hard guy for a girl to say "I'd like to be friends first" to!

Develop Your Observing Self Thinking Indifferently

We all have an observing part of ourselves that just observes from an ultimate point of
detachment, but it gets clouded when emotions run rampant. We could liken it to the
difference between being at sea in the middle of a terrifying storm and watching that sea
storm from the safety of the distant shore.

When you become angry, lustful, terrified, there is a small part of you that can observe these
emotions running through you. You are not totally the emotion, because a part of you is
outside of it.

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To develop your observing self is not the same as being 'cold and detached', because you can
even observe yourself being cold and detached. It's the 'ultimate point of observation' and is
often equated to quasi-mystical states. I asked Ron how it had felt to be 'Mr Cool'. He
described how it was as if a part of him watched from the outside. On one level, sometimes
he'd feel fear but "on another level I'd be outside of that fear - just watching it - and so it
would diminish."

I myself have found that when speaking to hundreds of people there are 'risks' such as making
jokes (the sound of two hundred people not laughing can be deafening). But a part of me is
on the 'outside' of the situation, just observing; so cracking jokes that might not work doesn't
feel like a risk.

Think about times when you're more likely to lose your cool and practice just observing
yourself in these times 'from the outside'. To help you practice this, click on the free audio
session below.

Get away from your self. Yep, that's two separate words. There are several "you"s
that exist simultaneously. Sort of like Freud's id, ego, and superego. There's the "you"
that behaves, for starters. Then, there's a "you" that monitors that behavior (your
highly evolved one, you). And then there's actually a part of you that can step outside
and look at things from another perspective entirely -- it's this last one you need to get
at to become indifferent. If that's a little confusing, let's put it this way:

There's the you that just does and is. It's like the baby within you -- this is the first
"you." You eat, you breathe, you do human things. You don't really question it. It's the
you just reading right now.

Then there's the "you" that is monitoring all this behavior, thinking, making sure it's
socially acceptable, making sure you survive, etc. Ever thought to yourself, "My God,
why did I eat 5 slices of pizza?!" That's the second you.

This third "you" is a bit more elusive. It can look at your behavior and thoughts and
come to highly-evolved, self-aware conclusions. This is the "you" we'll be targeting.
This you doesn't really feel things or need things -- it just observes. It's indifferent.

Think of life like a movie. In order to target this third you, you need to think of life
like a movie. That is, you need to be a little less invested in what's going on. Emotions
don't really have a place -- or if they do, they only skim the surface and don't have any
real repercussions. What kind of movie are you in right now? Who's in control?
What's probably going to happen?

If you get this thinking down, you'll start seeing patterns and thinking outside of the
box -- less selfishly, more big picture. For example, right now you're sitting at home,
eating a bowl of cereal, surfing wikiHow. What's your character feeling and why?

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How might that change in the coming days? Watching an emotion, seeing that it's
there, is a lot different than feeling it.

Be objective; place importance on logic. The idea behind Stoicism is that our
negative emotions can lead us to make bad decisions and generally make our life
worse. Since emotions are often illogical responses, Stoicism seeks to solve emotional
problems by applying logic to the situation. Try to apply logic to the situations in your
daily life to practice for when you find yourself in emotional situations.

The world is full of opinions. Everybody has 'em. And most people display them quite
readily. You, on the other hand, aren't most people. You see both sides of the coin and
analyze situations for what they are -- not seen through a cloud of emotion.

That means seeing your side of the coin, too. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest
through the trees, but with practice being aware of your own behavior is possible. So
when you're fighting with a friend, see what's driving her, but also see what's driving
you.

Open your mind. Being indifferent is about leaving our assumptions, our beliefs, our
pride, our emotions and our vulnerabilities at the door. In order to do so, our minds
have to be entirely open. Is some lunatic raving about how your sexual
orientation/gender/denomination/race is all going to hell? Hmm. Interesting. Wonder
why he thinks that? Any reaction on your part should be merely intrigued -- never
offended, angry, or defensive.

Staying rational and logical is a huge hurdle for many of us. When someone
personally says something that attacks our belief system, we naturally want to speak
up and put that person in their place. Can't do that! You have to keep an open mind
and get unattached to your opinions on the matter. So this person thinks something
different from you -- good for them!

Stay open and receptive. Too much of indifference can easily be mistaken for
aloofness, being cold, or being just plain negative. That's not what indifference is
about! You're still open, welcoming, and receptive -- it's just that you don't care
whether people come to you to be welcomed or not. You'll do your thing regardless --
in fact, if no one were in the room, you'd be behaving the same way.

Because you're an observer, you have no reason to close yourself off. Even if your
significant other is yelling at you, keep your arms uncrossed and your legs unfolded.
This is just a display of their need to control and you'll address it when you can get a
word in edgewise calmly. You're still hearing what they have to say, you're just
hearing all the levels to it and putting it through an objective analysis.

Think of the process behind the content. Whenever you're interacting with others,
think of them as their characters. Think of their background and why it is they're
saying what they're saying and doing what they're doing. And when it comes to their
words, what do they actually mean? In other words, think of the process behind the
content.

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When someone says, "Hey, ohmigosh, I really have something I want to tell you -- but
I totally shouldn't," they're actually saying, "Please give me attention. I have some
gossip and it would give me immense satisfaction if you begged for it." The process
(what they actually mean to say) is still going on behind the content (what actually
came out of their mouths). Seeing behaviors for the process makes it a lot easier to
address what's actually going on (and to remove yourself from the situation at hand).

Don't enjoy it too much. Some of us want to be indifferent to achieve some sort of
self-satisfaction. We want to get back at an ex, prove to our boss/parents/siblings just
how much we don't care, etc. If this is your case, don't enjoy it too much! That will
give it away that your indifference is a faade, a show. You're no longer indifferent;
you've become a phony.

Address the process. When you're dealing with people, you don't necessarily have to
respond to their words. You need to respond to what they're actually saying. Ignore
the content and rely on the process. It'll help you be objective and removed from the
emotions swirling around you. Instead, you'll be thinking about people's
predispositions, tendencies, and complexes -- pretty neutral territory.

Let's say Julia brought Pete, her husband, a list of things to do. Pete doesn't do it and
Julia gets upset. Pete starts thinking Julia is a big nag and Julia thinks Pete doesn't
care about her and is lazy. Instead, Pete should be thinking about how that list is really
Julia needing her life to be organized and her asking for his help to do this -- Julia
needs to realize her own translation of Pete's behavior and that is has nothing to do
with her -- it's just that Pete operates on a different wavelength. When they see
themselves for how they're acting, they remove themselves from the situation and can
solve it.

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Outcome Independence
Staying Unfazed

Imagine that you're out in a bar and you meet a new girl (and that you're relatively new to
this), and the following conversation ensues:

You: "How's your night going?"


Her: "Tonight sucks."
You: "Why's that?"
Her: "I don't want to talk about it."

Okay... now where do you take it from here?

With time, and enough approaches under your belt, you'll find that pick up is a lot like those
games you play where you have different choices about what to say, and if you say the wrong
thing it sends you back to try again. The only difference here is, you don't get to try again
with the same exact person... you've got to try again with someone else.

Hence, the maxim that to get good with women, you need to talk to lots of girls.

But that doesn't save you from feeling like you exhausted all paths forward in this particular
instance, feeling awkward, and getting fazed.

Why do you get fazed, though?

It's largely because of the difference between what you hope or expect will happen, and
what actually happens.

1. Say you were party to that conversation just above. What were you hoping would
happen? Probably that:
2. She'd say "Great!" or even "Good... now that you're here ;)" in response to your initial
question, or
3. She'd give you some kind of opening in response to your second

Instead, she closed up and got dismissive... not what you were planning or hoping for.

So now, stuck in a situation you hadn't anticipated - or had, but hoped you wouldn't encounter
because you didn't have a contingency in place (see: "What If She Doesn't Have Time?" for
more on contingencies), you froze up, didn't know what to do, and had to bail out of the
situation.

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You got fazed.

But did you have to?

Why Guys Get Fazed

There are a few common outcome dependent reactions that people have to not getting what
they want, including:
Freezing/stalling
Taking offense
Feeling defeated

Let's have a quick look at each of these, so you're able to pinpoint when you're (or someone
you're talking to is) doing one of these.
1. Freezing/stalling: this is what happens when you expected something to go a certain
way, it didn't, and you get that deer-in-the-headlights look going on. You're talking to
a girl, and she starts acting really disinterested; you freeze up awkwardly a moment,
then ask her another boring question or tell her a random fact about yourself. If you
can just make things go on a bit longer, maybe, somehow, they'll correct themselves
(or she'll wake up and realize that you're amazing).
2. Taking offense: when a girl rejects you, you may get angry or upset about this -
"She is rejecting me?" You take it personal, feeling offended that this other person
could dare have the audacity to tell you "no." You may try and get even (perhaps
by making her jealous), or you may just storm off. Either way, it's classic auto-
rejection (on your part) all the way.
3. Feeling defeated: "Quitters never win, and winners never quit," goes the saying. But
you'll quit and slink off into a hole somewhere to go lick your wounds when not
getting what you wanted if you're in a mood that sees you responding to things not
going your way by getting defeated.

These are all pretty normal, so don't feel bad if you're doing them. I do them; everybody does
them. In fact, it's hard NOT to do them, unless you're either:
Especially experienced,
Especially warmed up, or
Especially unattached

... to whatever it is you're doing.

e.g., if you're very talented and experienced at making sales, you won't beat yourself up too
much if you botch any particular sale (unless it's a bigger or more important sale than usual -
thus, outside of your normal experience levels). You'll shrug it off, take the lessons from it,
and move onto the next one.

If you're very warmed up - if you've been gone up to approach a girl, then another girl, then
another, and you've already done a bunch of approaches now, you've changed your mindset to
one of "finding the girl who responds well to me" instead of "making the next girl I talk to
respond well to me," and a setback or rejection is really just steering you down a different
path instead.

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And if you're shooting billiards purely for fun, and don't care one iota whether you sink a ball
or not, you're unlikely to be upset much if you miss every shot, no matter how experienced or
warmed up you are or not.

Why Does This Happen (or Not Happen)?

Outcome dependence isn't the bad thing it's frequently made out to be.

It doesn't mean you're flawed or thinking about things the wrong way.

In fact, it's a vital part of the brain's emotional motivation system. Its how your emotions let
you know that something is wrong, and force you to either work harder to resolve the
problem, or give up and go do something else.

If you didn't feel bad when you wanted something and couldn't get it, you'd just keep trying
again and again and again, the same way every time, because of no negative feedback, and
you'd waste a whole heck of a lot of time (and, quite probably, look like a guy
who really doesn't get it, and do some reputation damage to yourself).

It actually seems that feeling bad is a good thing, especially early on into learning
something.

It either:
Awakens your resolve and your competitive spirit to push yourself harder,
Encourages you to find another solution than what you've tried and failed at, or
Discourages you from chasing down a fruitless / quixotic objective.

That's usually good, unless you find yourself giving up too often or too easily.

Of course, when you're dealing with social situations, this becomes a bit more complicated -
there's an inherent fear (in most people) of not messing up socially and ending up ostracized,
or getting rejected, or looking like a complete social buffoon. This tends to make people
behave more conservatively... and, learn more slowly.

You learn fastest and best when you're pushing yourself hard, and if you want to get good
at getting girls (or anything else), that's what you'll want to be doing.

Only... your brain may not want you to.

A guy walks up to a girl.

He starts a conversation. She's from out of town.

They exchange pleasantries, chat a little bit, have a bit of back and forth.

He's not feeling it though; she isn't really into him, and he can tell.

She invites him to swing by her town sometime. He knows this is a polite brushoff.

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He smiles, tells her he appreciates it, says he's going to do a little more circulating, gives her
a wink, and leaves.

That guy's cool... isn't he?

Actually, the correct way of describing him would be "outcome independent."

This isn't the comprehensive "how to be cool" post that some folks have asked me to write...
that one will require a large block of uninterrupted time for me to sit down and put together.
But I do want to talk about one of the elements of being cool: that thing known as outcome
independence.

An easy way of thinking about the smooth man is as a guy who sits there, chin up, slight
smile playing about his lips, amused at how all those other people out there run about,
scrambling to live their lives, not knowing what he knows, and occasionally reaching down to
scoop up someone interesting and bring her into his life for a while. He gets all the benefits of
the seeming power and authority and regalness this confers, but also suffers the drawbacks:
he stays removed emotionally, he's limited in how actively he can pursue women, and he's
attached at the hip to the Law of Least Effort, as any crack in his frame can make his
mountain look like a house of cards, and send it tumbling down in pieces.

Always of a collected, amused disposition. Never will you catch a smooth man brooding;
nor will you catch him excited or amazed. Rather, he is always in a calm, cool, and "smirking
at the world" state of being - he constantly wears that "I know something you do not" look
about himself. This makes the people he meets desire his approval, but fear his rejection -
because he implicitly positions himself through his behavior and persona to be of high rank in
the social arena.

The smooth and sexy man has little difficulty sleeping with women, though he must be
extremely mindful of his attainability - as he is the most removed and least attainable of the
three kinds of sexy. In fact, at the upper levels of smooth, you're likely to have a number of
women who will auto-reject you very quickly if you make even the slightest of low
attainability gestures toward them - mainly because they are already closely monitoring you
for any hint of rejection.

Smooth takes some work to pull off, and it's virtually impossible to get right as a novice. But,
with time and a bit of elbow grease, it's a powerful, versatile vibe to have, and one of the
most consistent for landing higher caliber lovers and friends.

He's less reactive when hit with a "surprise." Everyone has unexpected things happen to
them and around them. An ordinary guy gets flustered; a beginner at smooth tries to control
his reactions. A man who's intermediate-level smooth, though, seems almost comfortable, and
doesn't take long to know the right way to react.

These aspects of intermediate smooth come more from experience applying and using the
techniques discussed under beginner than from any concerted effort on the part of the
intermediate learner. Smooth is becoming natural to him at this stage, through repeated use
and focus on it.

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At this point, he starts catching lucky breaks, and pulling off things that he thought were
impossible, implausible, or highly unlikely. He invites two girls home with him, for instance,
and both say "yes;" or he tells a girl who's about to go back to her friends to change her mind
and say, and she does, despite him thinking she'll leave. He begins to surprise himself here,
and starts finding he can do more than he thought he could.

Outcome independence doesn't mean you don't care about achieving a specific outcome, nor
does it mean you have no goals or objectives for what it is you're doing.

Because as you'll come to realize, getting fazed - and remaining unfazed - isn't necessarily
about having already been through every situation already. Instead, what it's actuallyabout is
a state of mind and freedom from "hoping" for a specific outcome to come about that you
can't control.

Rather, it means this: that you can do something, not get what you want, and be okay
with that, and either continue to persist with the specific opportunity (or girl) in front of you,
or part ways and move onto the next one.

This is very unlike how most people respond when they don't get what they want.

1.
Curious Indifference

About a year and a half into my actively learning how to get girls, I encountered a situation
I'd never been in before while teaching a boot camp in San Francisco. It was the end of the
night, and the students were getting ready to head out and go home, so I went to see if I could
do a pick up before they left so they could watch it go down and get both a little
entertainment and a little encouragement that it's not really that hard to pull that off.

I met a group of girls standing around in a bar at the end of the night, most of the other
patrons having left. I started chatting with one, and she was scathing in her wit, teasing and
harassing me like few women ever had.

I stayed unfazed.

She and I sat down on a couch and got to talking. One by one, each of her many friends came
over to meet me, and give me their stamp of approval.

I stayed unfazed.

At closing time, a male friend of hers announced that he was taking the girls to an after party
at the bar he bartended at, but only a few people could join them.

Despite this, I stayed unfazed.

After a few minutes of the group discussing this, we moved outside. My girl let me know she
was pulling for me to be included in the group who got to go. That would mean the bartender
would have to deny a few of his own friends to let me - the only stranger in the group, as my
students had now gone home - come along.

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Yet, I stayed unfazed.

The people allowed to come got narrowed down to five: the three girls, a friend of the
bartender's, and me. We started walking toward the bar.

Just then, the bartender got a call; he was upset. His boss told him he could only bring four
people with him; we were five. It looked like I'd probably be the odd man out.

Still, I stayed silent and remained unfazed.

"Sorry bro," the bartender said, turning to his male friend, "I can't let you in."

"Oh man," the friend said, "dude, not cool!"

"I know man," the bartender said. "Sorry."

His friend struck off, and the bartender, the girls, and I all continued on to the bar.

While we sat and chilled in the bar, my girl stared at me in amazement. "You are so zen," she
remarked. "Oh my God, you are so calm!" She couldn't believe it. Shouldn't I be freaking out
at all the near-misses of not getting able to attend the party, and losing the girl? Yet, I wasn't.

We sat and drank for a while, and then we all went to the bartender's apartment. My girl and I
made out on the couch, and she eventually invited me back to her apartment. "Just to sleep,"
she said.

We didn't just sleep, needless to say.

What was my mindset throughout this entire ordeal? Was I stressing wildly, constantly being
on the precipice, about to lose this girl I'd already invested 30 or 40 minutes into?

No; quite the contrary. My thoughts the entire time were:

This is interesting. I wonder how this will play out?

I honestly didn't care if I got the girl or not.

This is what's referred to as "outcome independence," and it's a blessing when you can
achieve it. Your first thought might be, "Well wait - how can you be any good at picking up if
you don't care if you get a girl or not?" But it's not that you don't care if you pick up - it's that
you don't care if you pick up this girl or not.

How to Stay Unfazed: The Mindset

The interest in understanding the thoughts and feelings of someone with an attitude like this
are, I think, twofold:
1. Identifying how close (or far) your own present thought processes and emotions are
from this
2. Deciding if you even want to think and feel like someone with a devil may care
disposition

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... because as noted before, this attitude is not for everyone, and it is not for everything.
It's good for certain things - and not so good for others.

Whether you want to think and feel devil may care must be a personal choice by you.

Devil May Care as a Thought Process

Most people have a very off-base idea about what someone devil may care thinks about the
world and the things in it. They seem to think a man like this thinks:
"I can do whatever I want, whenever I want!" or
"I don't care about the world; it's opinions don't matter to me," or perhaps
"Ha, look at all these fools, living their sad, ordinary lives."

These are not how he sees the world.

These are how a regular person - trapped in the social constraints and restrictions of a regular
life in the regular world that trap most regular people - imagines he would think if he were to
start acting and behaving like the devil may care guy.

But these thoughts are the responses of a rebel, or someone trying to break free of his
shackles.

The man with a true devil may care attitude is not rebelling against anything, nor is he trying
to break free. He's already the master of his life, and he's already free.

And he's used to it.

It's not a novelty to him anymore.

Because of this, the actual thoughts rolling around in his head are thus:
1. "Hmm, that girl's cute. I wonder if she'll find me exciting?"
2. "These people seem cool. How long will it take me to be accepted as one of them?"
3. "This seems like a good company. Let's see if they're looking for someone like me."

You might define his thought process as one of playful curiosity.

He isn't mad.

He isn't angry.

He isn't rebelling, or trying to prove something to himself, or anybody else.

He's just playfully curious... "Hmm, I wonder." "Well, let's see!" "Time to find out."

That's what he's thinking. He isn't rebelling... he's probing.

Just like women probe when women test men. Same deal - playful curiosity. He's just
curious, and just wants to know.

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Self-Amusement

Essentially its a mindset that helps you have fun and enjoy whatever youre doing. Its your
ability to entertain yourself (no, not with the me-time-hand).

Please pay special attention to the self part in self-amusement this has nothing to do with
entertaining others, only yourself. In other words, you simply do what you feel like doing and
see what happens. Sounds simple, doesnt it?

Here comes the tricky part: you need to be able to let go of seeking a particular outcome or
outcomes and instead operate from a frame of mind of blissful curiosity any outcome is
fine, youll have your fun either way.

A common misconception is that self-amusement is about being the loud life of the
party, and indeed it sometimes happens as a results (when we stop censoring ourselves and
the real I comes out to play), but its not necessary.

It boils down to this:

Something pops into your head -> you get curious -> you do it -> you see what happens.

Just keep in mind that all this process should happen in the blink of an eye; be spontaneous
if you find yourself in your head thinking about potential consequences, outcomes, follow-
ups, etc. its no longer self-amusement youre seeking an outcome.

What this means is that nearly every goofy technique or ridiculous line youve ever seen
pulled off is a form of self-amusement.

But make no mistake, its not a technique.

Its All About Curiosity

Genuine curiosity is the cornerstone of a self-amused mindset. You see, when there is no
external motivator left, because youre not aiming for any particular outcome, and youre not
trying to get something, child-like curiosity becomes the prime mover & shaker to do
anything and everything.

You do something because you simply want to see what happens; make an impact.

Now, for many of us, even our curiosity muscles have atrophied over the years we forgot
the joy of dismantling a new toy simply to see how it works, experimenting with new sounds
when playing an instrument or, yes, saying something silly to a cute girl to see how she
reacts.

So first things first, here are a few tips to help you get curious again:
Observe and notice Think about the last time youve been in a place that is not
your home (maybe the office, classroom, store, etc. somewhere where there other
people around). Can you recall what other people in there were wearing? What were
they doing? We spend a lot of time on autopilot in our daily lives and its difficult to
be curious when youre not paying attention to whats happening around you.

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Ask questions Both in your self-talk and when talking with other people. In your
self-talk try to replace assumptions (She looks like someone who goes to clubs a
lot) with questions (I wonder, how does she spend her Friday nights?) and then
translate them into actual questions: Aright, I gotta ask, are you a club girl? For
some reason you strike me as one and I just dont know what it is about you.

Stop Censoring Yourself, a Bit.

We all get stupid thoughts like straight-up stupid (Hmmm I wonder what would happen
if I opened the cars doors while its going 80 mph, or I should tell her she has a big nose),
so over the years as we learned social etiquette and common sense we started censoring and
restraining those weird thoughts and impulses.

And its a great thing that we did, otherwise wed quickly find ourselves outcasts from all
social circles and probably find ourselves in real trouble more often than not.

However, the problem is that its also easy to go significantly overboard in the other
direction, where we find ourselves censoring everything other than what we think would
please others (your typical shy, nice guy behavior). We become rigid and afraid that
someone might take offense or that we may draw unwanted attention towards ourselves.

Unfortunately, this repressive self-censoring and self-amusement cannot happen at the same
time. Actually, such self-censoring goes against genuine seduction youll never get good at
dealing with women if you never take social risks.

What this means is that we need to learn to let go of the leash we put on ourselves little by
little, until we find ourselves in a place where we can express ourselves without causing any
harm to ourselves or others.

Make Your Own Entertainment a Priority

Too often we find ourselves going to venues we dont like, doing activities that we hate, and
dealing with people we couldnt care less about, simply because others want to do them or
because we want to please someone else.

The thing is, when you truly dislike the environment or the situation in general it will be very
difficult to put yourself in a great mood and have fun. On the other hand, when you enter a
venue where you know your type of people hang out, your favorite song is playing in the
background, and the bartender is smiling, happy to see you again, it becomes difficult not to.

Invest some time to find people and places you enjoy it makes a tremendous difference
and makes everything else so much easier.

Just Do It
Earlier I referred to self-amusement as something to deal with getting caught inside your
head, being paralyzed by analytical thinking, and the anxiety that follows.

But the thing is, sometimes you will find yourself in a situation where you dont feel like
doing anything; youre inside your head and just making this first action and making yourself
move and act is an emotional strain.

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In such situations, just like with social momentum, you simply need to force yourself to take
the first, small step in the right direction, get those few awkward moments out of the way, and
soon you will realize that youre in your Do shit, have fun mood again.

While you do this, entertain the following thought in your mind: Lets see what happens

Accept any outcome. While there's power in taking on something new or trying to get what
you want, there's also the chance you may fail. Embrace the failure. It's not the opposite of
success, it's a necessary component. Without the risk of failure, you don't have the
opportunity for success.[11]

Don't worry about rejection. This requires some emotional detachment from the outcome.
Don't let a rejection destroy your self-confidence and ability to be bold.

2.
Big Picture or Small?

If you keep going out and meeting girls, you'll get one sooner or later. It's about taking the
big picture view over the small picture view. What's that?
Small Picture View: "What happens right now is LIFE OR DEATH. I may NEVER
get another chance!"
Big Picture View: "What happens right now is irrelevant in the grand scheme of
things. I'll get what I want if I keep trying."

Most people most places in the world are far more concerned with the small picture than they
are the big one:
"I must succeed this time!"
"I have to win that prize!"
"I've got to have this job!"
"I must get that one specific girl!"

And while there is a time and a place for specificity, placing all his bets on one shot might
make for great do-or-die now-or-never moments in Hollywood, but it isn't such a fantastic
way to run a man's life off the silver screen.

Who would you suspect a company is going to fight to hire more - the guy who's hoping that
they please oh please hire him, or the guy who comes in, interviews well, leaves calmly, and
continues to be courted by other prospective companies while the first company decides
whether it wants to pursue him?

And which man would you suspect a woman finds more desirable - the man
whosupplicates and promises to do anything she asks, or the man who flirts in a calm and
attractive way but doesn't seem to have too much need one way or another about how things
work out?

And who would you as a customer feel more inclined to make a purchase from - the man who
asks you to please buy his product, it's really good, and he hasn't made a sale in ages, or the
man who greets you warmly, gives you the information you're looking for on a product, let's

32
you know how much it'd be, and offers to get you rung up and out the door - if you're
satisfied this is the product you want?

Of course it's the second guy in all three scenarios... but why?

The first man, by communicating his need and his "must succeed in THIS INSTANCE!"
mentality, also communicates his lack of options. He confesses through his body language
and his demeanor that he is not living with anabundance mentality; he tells his prospects
that he doesn't see much success,which functions as a sign of negative social proof and
negative preselection.

The very condition of being overly focused on one thing communicates a lack of options and,
thus, a lack of desirability.

If you're not having success, and you want to this badly, it must mean that everyone else has
judged you not someone they want to do business with.

That devil may care fellow, though... he's got a different approach.

For him, success isn't about the individual. It's about the big picture.

He knows he's attractive. He knows women want him.

And he knows that if it doesn't work with this girl, that'd be sad... but at the same time,
another one will be along in a moment with whom it just might work out instead. So he
doesn't get too worked up over any one thing.

Women really dig this attitude.

What Outcome Independence Looks Like

Outcome independence is a kind of letting go of things.

To understand the emotion, think about it like this:

You're driving on your way to the beach with some friends or a girlfriend. It's a lazy Sunday
afternoon, and you're in no hurry.

You see the road ahead is closed. There's a bit of a detour you'll have to take. But it's a scenic
detour, so no big deal. You take the detour, drive along it, and eventually realize it's taking
you away from where you meant to go. You decide to keep driving along anyway, because you
know there are probably plenty of beaches along the way here, and you'll find one eventually.
After a time, you come to a hidden gem of a beach you didn't even realize was there
originally, and end up glad you didn't give up after first realizing you weren't going to make
it to that initial beach you set out to get to.

That's what outcome independence is. Okay, you can't go the way you wanted, or get the
thing you initially set your sights on... but you'll just keep going, looking for another way,
another alternative, and eventually you'll find one.

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There's another way this could have gone:

There's a bit of a detour you'll have to take. You take the detour, drive along it, and eventually
realize it's taking you away from where you meant to go. In frustration, you turn around and
keep trying to find a way to that beach. 30 minutes of irritation and annoyance later, you
throw your hands up and drive everybody home.

Obviously, it's better to be in the first position whenever and wherever possible.
Life's just easier that way.

How to Become Outcome Independent

So let's say you want to be like that cool guy who doesn't miss a beat.

He smiles, winks, and coolly excuses himself. Everyone around thinks, "Man, that guy's
cool."

A certain percentage of the time, that girl who wasn't interested in him even approaches him
later.

I know. It's happened to me a number of times when doing this.

And even if she doesn't re-approach you, she at least has pause to consider that she probably
read you wrong. "That guy's a lot more impressive than I thought he was," she says to herself.

Why? Because most men can't do that.

Most men's normal instincts are to:


Freeze or stall
Take offense
Slink off defeated

How do you become that wickedly cool, outcome independent fellow who doesn't miss a beat
and responds so smoothly and naturally instead?

Try imagining loss. This is called negative visualization. Negative visualization is a common
training trick and everyday practice for Stoics. This is when you imagine your life without
something that is very important to you. Maybe you imagine that you lost your job, or that
your spouse divorces you, or your child is taken away from you. It sounds upsetting, and it
definitely isn't fun to do, but it will significantly increase your enjoyment of the good things
in your life, and teach you how to cope with loss by preparing yourself for it.

Accept and expect change. Stoics fight against a sense of permanence, against the idea that
things should or will always be the same. What we have to remember is that change is good.
When things we love come to an end, that can be hard to accept, but try to remember that
something good ending only opens up the possibilities for more good things to come into
your life. When bad things are happening to you and it feels like they'll never end, it is still
important to remember that that is not the case.

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This is when the common Stoic mantra, as popularized by Joseph Campbell, comes in to
play: "This too shall pass." Just repeat that phrase until you feel better.

Now, this might sound like a difficult mindset to adopt. It isn't, though. You've just got to
keep reminding yourself of it.

Every time you're out and you feel like you're about to panic because things aren't going as
planned... remind yourself that you've got another however-many-decades-you've-got-left-to-
live left, and that it's probably going to be okay. Remind yourself that you're constantly
learning and growing and getting sharper, and that if you don't get a success right in this
moment you're still honing your abilities and getting yourself ever-closer. Remind yourself
that it isn't the small picture that matters; it's the big one.

Ironically, this big-picture focus helps you do better in the small picture, too.

How's it do that?

By freeing you to let go of the panic and fear that uncertainty in the small picture can make
you feel.

I can't tell you how many times I've been out with some really cute girl and started feeling
fear and uncertainty welling up, cautioning me to take things slowly, that I might lose this girl
or scare her off, that I didn't really know the right thing to do... that refocusing myself on the
big picture saved me with and got me the girl. Anytime you're in a situation that's in any way
unfamiliar,refocusing on the big picture can save you from getting fazed.

And if there's anything that can kill a pick up or a seduction, it's in being unable to stay
unfazed and either freezing up or doing rash, panicky things.

But what if mindset is too hard to adopt in the moment - what can you do instead to make
sure you don't end up in situations that'll faze you?

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Zen
Be Serene, Chill and Mellow

Constant worry and doubts can nag at you daily and increase your stress levels. These
emotions and high stress levels can hinder you from doing or enjoying things you love to do.
With a little refocusing of your mind, you can be nonchalant and not let a thing get to you.
You're made of strong stuff and no one can bring you down. "Let It Go" isn't your theme
song, it's about you!

Everyone has encountered a mellow and laid-back person -- one of those calm individuals
who seems untroubled by whatever life is throwing at her. Whether by nature or by nurture,
some people just seem more inclined to laid-back reactions than others. However, no matter
what your temperament, certain habits can boost your resilience to both external and internal
stresses -- and help you uncover a new side of yourself.

Don't let anything ruffle your feathers. Always be prepared for anything that comes your way.
This tranquility will permeate your mannerisms and translate "cool" to the general public. It
signals to others that you have a certain detachment which allows you to weave in and out of
life's tangled webs without losing your vital cool.

If you're striving to be more mellow, then chances are that you're the kind of person who
spends too much time worrying or stressing out about things that don't really matter. You may
find yourself getting furious after someone cuts in front of you when you're driving, or after
an annoying exchange with one of your friends. You may be up all night, freaking out about a
test or an interview that is coming up. You may also know many people who are mellow, who
seem to take life in stride and don't get riled up over almost anything. If you want to be
mellow like these people, then it's not about not caring about anything it's about finding a
way to manage your stress and to approach life with a calm, rational mind.

Know That it's No Big Deal

Whatever it is. Seriously. It is no big deal. In the grand scheme of things, few things are.
Maybe the eventual collapse of the universe? That seems pretty huge. But that zit in the
middle of your forehead? That comment Trang made that may or may not have been
malicious? Nope and nope. Why should these tiny things get any reaction or emotion of out
you?

When nothing is a big deal, it's hard to be phased. However, it's hard to get happy too. Know
that this is a give and take. In a recent study, those who believed that they had no purpose in
life but didn't really care, are middle-of-the-road when it comes to happiness.[1] So while you

36
won't care that your stupid scum of a boyfriend dumped you, you also won't feel super
ecstatic when you get that job promotion...because it's all no biggie.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Nothing's less sexy than someone who's constantly
stressed out about every minor aspect of his life. Worrying excessively about other
people's judgements is a waste of your time. It's a given that people will disagree with
you and judge your choices sometimes; that's their problem. As long as what you're
doing isn't hurting other people, you're fine.

Bad boys don't sweat the small stuff because they're sure that they have it all under
control. For instance, in a situation where you're around women that you find
attractive, while you won't necessarily want to act like a complete slob, you'll want to
try to remain as relaxed as if you were at home watching TV. Doing this gives the
signal to the people around you that you're cool, confident, and in-control of your
situation, which, for bad boys, can be downright sexy.

If you're going to be tough, you can't let disappointing news or a negative comment
ruin your day. If every little challenge makes you feel as though you're coming
undone, you won't have energy left over for making strong choices regarding bigger
issues. Work on developing a thicker skin. Stop caring about everything

Don't be a hothead. Traffic jams, lines at the post office, and other annoyances are not
worth losing your temper. If you can't handle mailing a package without having a
meltdown, how are you going to handle a real problem?

Take your life in stride. Roll with the punches and be accepting of the little things life
throws your way, reserving your passion for what matters to you most. This is pretty
much the defining feature of a chill person.

Evaluate how much this matters. Think about how much your problem matters in
the grand scheme of things. Will it still affect you a year from now? Does it even help
to be so hard on yourself? If you made it out alive, chances are youll find a way to
get through it and move on to more happiness and hardships. Don't worry about the
little things.

Do what your grandma would do. By the time were much older, we usually dont
get so worried when things dont go our way, because we get used to it. Think of how
your grandma would react in a situation and do that. Shed probably say something
funny and then move on to the next thing, which is really the best thing to do if you
want to stay sane.

Even for bad boys, things don't always go as planned. In the event that something
does go wrong, try not to stress. Instead, play it off with a low-key joke. For instance,
if you spill a drink all over yourself, don't spend time worrying about how you'll need
to bleach it when you get home. Instead, just say something like, "Whoa! Looks like I
have a new tie-dye to add to my collection." It's a little cheesy, but it shows that minor
problems don't phase you.

Develop the perfect "shrug." When someone comes up to you with a hot piece of
gossip, this is your go-to response. It doesn't have to be an actual shrug, but it's

37
essentially the equivalent. "Oh, that's nice. Where did you hear that from?" is a good
verbal shrug when the other person is expecting you to say, "Ohmigod, are you
serious?!" You're essentially letting everything in one ear and out the other.

It's good to have a sort of "mental shrug" attitude, too. The milk spilled? Shrug. Guess
you should probably clean that up, huh? You gained a few pounds? Shrug. More salad
tomorrow.

Maintain a Mellow Attitude

The benefit of being nonchalant isn't about not being happy it's about not easily getting
upset, angry, or stressed. And how might one do that? Well, when everything is comical is a
good start. Just like most things have a silver lining, most things have a comedic edge to
them, too.

Have an optimistic outlook. You don't have to be sunny and cheerful all the time, but
having a generally optimistic point of view goes hand in hand with being tough.[1]
Being hopeful about what the future holds is an asset when life gets hard. People who
complain a lot and feel cynical about the future aren't able to cope as well in the face
of disaster or despair.

Don't take yourself (or anything) too seriously. All of life becomes infinitely easier
when you come to the conclusions that nothing is that big of a deal. We are all well-
oiled specks of dust on this amazing blue planet, and if today isn't going our way,
well, that's just how the cookie crumbles. Bad things will happen and good things will
happen. Why get worked up about it?

You've probably met someone who takes themselves way more seriously than they
should. They're wound up, constantly caring what other people think of what they're
doing, saying, and what they look like. In reality, others aren't really thinking about
them at all. Just watching them is exhausting because they're wound up so tight. Be
the opposite of that person, and the nonchalance will come.

Though it's a simple example, let's say you trip onstage at some award ceremony.
Instead of turning bright red in shame, you either brush it off like you meant it to
happen and and accept your award from the floor, or you put up your arms in a "tada"
moment and embrace the spotlight. Let the hooting and hollering commence.

Find a comedic angle to everything. Youve got to laugh about stuff in life,
especially the stuff that doesnt go your way, or youre going to spend life grumpy
and stressed out. When someone is a jerk to you, relieve your anger through humor.
Just laugh at them because they are clearly very boring and miserable.

A playful attitude is essential to mellowing out. It allows you to take a break from
taking yourself and the world around you so seriously.

Pretend you don't have the "shame gene." All of us have that little voice in our
head that's telling us to look cool and to act socially acceptable. This is generally a
smart voice in our heads it makes us friends, gets us connections, and makes life a
little easier. But sometimes it halts us in our tracks, keeps us from growing, and just

38
makes us worried, emotionally erratic, and anxious. Instead, pretend for a moment
that you don't have it. How do you act? What is your body telling the world? That's
nonchalance.

So much of what we do is to avoid shame and to feel accepted. If that urge wasn't
within you, what might you do differently? Would you really care if Joel liked your
shoes or if Marcia texted you back? Probably not. Start out by focusing on this just for
a few minutes a day until it becomes naturally nearly all the time.

Techniques

Accept what you can and cannot control. Many people waste time dwelling on
problems beyond their control. Escape this mental trap by identifying situations you
can and cannot change.

When youre sitting in a traffic jam and late for a meeting, pose a question to your
rising frustrations: Is there anything I can do right now? Or do I have to accept the
situation? This helps you cut down on unnecessary worries and fears, and gives you
more time to devote to boosting your mood. In this case, turn up the radio and sing
along until traffic clears.

It can be very difficult to let go of what is beyond your own control. However, if you
want to be laid back it's important to be able to live with life's frustrations. Try to
make a conscious effort to recognize when a situation is beyond your control and
accept the fact.

The world is going to end at some point. Do you worry about that? Probably not. Your
mom sometimes wears the ugliest sweaters. Do you worry about that? Nope. If you
can't change it, there's no point in worrying about. What can you do? Worry about
it...and then just worry some more? Yep. There's no point. Stop freaking out about
the things you can't change.

You have to be able to learn to accept the things you cannot change. You can address a
problematic co-worker to discuss issues you've been having, but you may not be able
to change the fact that you hate the weather in the place where you live or that you
have to live with siblings who pester you. Learn to recognize when a situation is out
of your control and accept it with a calm mind.

Focus precisely on what you're concerned about in the present moment. For example,
say you're stressed because your brother is coming into town. He can sometimes be
difficult to get along with and tends to pick fights with other family members.

From there, figure out what you can control in the situation. In regards to your
brother's visit, you can choose to disengage if he tries to bait you into an argument.
You can try to be polite, even if he's being difficult. You cannot, however, reasonably
control or change another person's behavior. Therefore, try to let go of any frustrating
comments or behavior your brother makes. As you have very little control over it, it's
best not to linger.[21]

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Stop being a perfectionist. Oftentimes, perfectionism is what makes feeling laid
back difficult. If you're a perfectionist by nature, try to work against the tendency.

Periodically remind yourself no on expects you to be perfect. People will still like you
if you make a mistake. Try to work to be less critical of yourself and avoid of thinking
of life in terms of either success or failure. Your accomplishments are not a reflection
of your worth as a person and many perceives failures are only minor setbacks.[17]

Perfectionists often have a tendency to compare themselves to others, feeling that


they're falling behind or that they have more flaws than others. If you catch yourself
comparing yourself to another person, stop. It may be difficult at first so you might
have to do something to distract yourself. Go for a walk, for example, or watch
something on TV.[18]

Try to do a little less each day. This might feel awkward or uncomfortable at first, but
you'll be taking a tremendous amount of pressure off yourself longterm. Start small.
For example, cut 5 minutes off your daily run or take a little longer at lunch during
work.[19]

Process your thoughts before reacting. When an event occurs, especially an event
that's perceives as stressful, your first thought may be to react. This can lead to acting
impulsively and saying or doing things that worsen the situation. Instead of reacting
immediately to stress, pause to process. The vast majority of situations do not require
an immediate responses. When you experience something stressful, give yourself a
few hours to process before reacting. Do something relaxing, like reading a book or
watching a movie, to take your mind off the stress before trying to deal with the
situation.[20]

Accept your thoughts are not reality. People who are laid back tend to avoid
overthinking. Social interactions, plans, events, and other aspect of life are things they
can maneuver with ease. If you're prone to overthinking, and convincing yourself
something is wrong in any given situation, make an effort to change. Try to
periodically remind yourself your thoughts are not necessarily a reflection of reality.

If you perceive something a certain way, you may start imagining your worldview or
perspective represents truth. For example, say you made a comment at work you feel
have rubbed a coworker the wrong way. You may go from wondering if you bothered
your co-worker to imagining her sitting alone, thinking negative thoughts about you.
This is not a particularly realistic scenario, but if you're anxiety-prone you may
convince yourself your perception represents the reality.[7]

In such a scenario, remind yourself your thoughts are not reality. Your co-worker is
probably not thinking poorly of you. Even if she was bothered by the comment, it's
doubtful she is even still thinking about it. Your thoughts are, by nature, very centered
around yourself and your own actions. Other people likely do not think about you as
much as you think about yourself. Try to relax and remember this fact on occasion.[8]

Redirect your thoughts. Distract yourself from your immediate feelings by


redirecting your thoughts. There are lots of ways you can do this. You can count your

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breaths. You can even sing a song (inside your head is probably better than out loud).
[1]

Don't hold a grudge. If you're the kind of person who doesn't know how to forgive
and forget, then you are guaranteed to be less mellow. If one of your friends or family
members has truly upset you, you have to work on being able to talk about it and to
move past it, even if you haven't completely forgiven the person. If you walk around
holding a grudge, then you are guaranteed to be in an angry, riled-up state instead of
facing the day with calm and peace.

If you spend so much time obsessing over being mad at people who rejected you or
fuming over people who have harmed you, then you will never be able to mellow out.

Sure, it can help to talk about how someone has hurt you. But if you keep talking
about it to everyone within earshot, you're only going to work yourself up into a
frenzy.

Be confident. When you have lots of self confidence and comfort with who you are,
you will have a much easier time being chill. You will know that its okay if you make
a mistake, that it doesnt make you worthless or something like that. You will know
you can handle whatever crazy life manages to throw at you.

Let it slide. When Idina Menzel sang, "Let it go, let it go" she wasn't kidding.
Whenever your mood pendulum feels the urge to swing left or right, stop for a
second. Count to 10, and let it pass. Concentrate on being calm, cool, and collected.
You got this. Sure, you're happy, or sure, you're sad but you're not gonna let it get to
you. What would be the point in that?

If you're struggling with something really bothering you, try telling yourself that
you'll worry about it tomorrow. But it off in your mind, knowing that you'll get to it in
under 24 hours. Then what happens? Tomorrow comes and either you don't remember
to worry about it, or you feel much better (or at least more in control) about what
happened.

Prioritize what's important. You may struggle to feel laid back if you're
overcommitted. Prioritizing what truly matters to you can help you simplify your life.
This will reduce stress and may result in you having a more relaxed, laid back
approach to life.

Consider how you spend most of your time. Try writing a list of everything you do
during the course of a day and roughly how much time that all takes up. How much
time are you spending doing what you want? Compare that to how much time you
spend on errands, events, and other tasks you feel you have to do.[9]

Is there anything you could stand to do less? Are there any events or activities you
pack into your life that aren't particularly fulfilling or personally important to you?[10]

It's perfectly okay to work at a pace that seems comfortable and reasonable for you.
You may think you have to put in overtime hours each week to make more money, but

41
are you really getting to enjoy that money? Try to spend your time more wisely,
giving yourself space to rest and relax.[11]

Don't be in a rush. Another thing that mellow people do well is to not stress about
running out of time or getting somewhere late. You need to work on managing your
time so that you have plenty of time to get from one place to another, and that you
leave early enough to get somewhere on time instead of stressing out about running
late. If you're running late, you're going to be frazzled, not have time to manage your
appearance, and will likely forget something, which will make you eve more stressed
out. Leave for school or work ten minutes earlier than normal and see how much
better you feel when you stop running from one place to the next.

The unexpected can always happen. Even if you end up getting to school or work 20
minutes early, it's better than being late because you ran into an unexpected traffic
jam. If you plan your life this way, you will feel more mellow when you approach any
situation.

Experience the moment. A lot of people don't feel mellow because their wheels are
always turning, trying to play out every move of life like it's a chess game. Let's say
you're a writer who is deciding whether to be a librarian or to go to graduate school.
Instead of planning out the next ten years of your life, wondering if you'll ever be able
to publish a book, just do what feels right to you during that particular stage of your
life. Focus on whatever you're doing right now and think about your next move
without worrying about the next ten moves you'll have to make.

Learn to take it one step at a time. If you learn to live in the present and to fully
immerse yourself in what you're working on now, you'll be much more likely to
succeed at what you're doing than if you're constantly wondering about where this
step will lead you.

Enjoy what you are doing right now, while you are doing it. As we said before, the
human tendency is to be a little bit unhappy no matter what we're doing, but you
should fight back that feeling to appreciate the situation that you're in right now. This
is an area where negative visualization can be useful. Just remember that the world is
an incredible place, and no matter how bad things seem, there are still waterfalls,
birds in brilliant colors, children who sings songs, and people who love you.

Focus on the present moment. Try to keep your thoughts in the present moment.
People who are more laid back are able to occupy a single brain space at a time. When
you start thinking ahead, and getting nervous or agitated, pause and try to return to the
present.

It's perfectly okay to make plans and have to-do lists, but you should try to focus on
one thing at a time. You might know you need to do the dishes after work, but try not
to linger on the dreaded chore. Simply relax and do your job.

Mindfulness meditation is a form of meditation in which you focus on aspects of the


present moment, such as your breath, your body's sensations, and your environment.
Regularly practicing mindfulness meditation can help you stay in the present and feel

42
more laid back overall. There are many free guided mindfulness meditation routines
you can find online. These can help you get started with regular meditation.[5]

Try removing yourself from the situation. This is called projective visualization.
This is another practice. Although it is less effective than the first, it can be more
useful when you are actively dealing with something that upsets you. The idea here is
to imagine this bad thing that is happening to you is happening to someone else. What
advice would you give them. How would your opinion of the situation change.
Usually when something bad happens to someone else, we tell them that we feel very
bad for them but that sometimes these things just happen. And that's the truth of the
situation: things happen that we can't control and being overly upset about it won't
make things any better. Apply these ideas to your own situation and it may help you to
feel better.

Avoid unnecessary drama. Steer clear of anything that's not your business. This will
ensure that you won't get caught up in others' emotional turmoil. That's extremely
detrimental to maintaining an aloof demeanor. State boldly, if you have to, that you
won't get caught up in xyz. People may be surprised -- even angry at times -- but they
will respect your unwillingness to take sides in a conflict you care nothing about.

Go somewhere else. If you just cant handle the situation, take yourself out of it. No
reason to stick around if youre going to lose your cool and make some mistakes.
Remove yourself from the room for a few minutes and then try again once youve
managed to work through the initial anger or fear (or whatever youre feeling).

Don't Complain -- Go Get What You Want Instead

I hear men whining and complaining to their girlfriends, wives, and women they're pursuing
from time to time. Since I don't spend all my time following random couples around, I know
it must happen a lot more often than I hear it, too. And every time I hear it, it's like nails on
chalkboard.

Thing is, I don't think most guys realize they're doing it, and I don't think most guys realize
that it's Rule #14 or so in maintaining attraction and relationships that you don't whine and
you don't complain to women.

Why Complaining Doesn't Work

43
I've had friends who used cynicism to good effect with certain women -- a cynical, biting
humor can be effective with cynical women and with more easily-led women (though lots of
things are effective with easily-led women).

Cynical sarcasm is probably the highest and most effective form of complaint -- it's complaint
masqueraded as humor and fun, although it still carries the weight of negativity and drags
down its wielder and those its wielded upon. Strong women and positive women tend to cut
cynics out of their lives; thus, my admonition to cynical men of "don't be bitter."

But what I want to talk about today isn't cynical sarcasm. I want to look at actual, literal,
complaining.

The kind where a man whines and pleads. Like:

"Do we have to go to that restaurant?"


"But I thought you said you could see me Thursday?"
"Why don't you always answer my texts?"
"I don't like when you're talking to other guys."
"Can you not be so rude?"
"How come I never hear from you anymore?"

If you're like most men, you can probably instinctively feel right away that those remarks are
weak.

Yet, if you're like most guys, you've probably said things exactly like that from time to time
with girls.

Why doesn't complaining work? Well, it might be stating the obvious, but it's worth stating
anyway. Here's why "don't complain" and "don't whine" are good mantras to follow:

1. Complaining sounds weak. Who complains? People who want something they feel
they can't get because they aren't in command. Children complain when they want
something they feel like they can't get because their parents are in command and have
said "no." Girlfriends complain when they want something from you and feel like
they can't get it because you're in command. When a man complains to a woman,
he's telling her he wants something from her but doesn't feel like he can get it --

44
so he's asking her to play nice and just let him have it. He's telling her he's not in
command, and she is, which is not where women want to be in their relationships with
men, despite whatever they might consciously think and tell you or preach.
2. Women are not attracted to weakness. They're attracted to strength, command, and
leadership. Leading women is one of the most important factors in attracting women
and getting women. When a man whines or complains, he tells a woman he isn't a
leader -- and a man not being a leader is kryptonite for a woman's desire.
3. Complaining puts the onus to take care of your emotions on the other person.
While you do want women investing in your and their relationship with you, you
absolutely do not want them trying to take care of your emotions. Women look to men
to be emotionally steadfast, powerful, and sexy; they get turned off by men who need
someone to handle them with kid gloves.

It's as simple as that, really. People who whine are stating their inability to get the things
they want, and pleading with someone else to please please give it to them, or asking
them to take sympathy on them and help them out.

But strong, attractive men -- the kind of men women dream about and fantasize about -- they
don't do this. Instead, they simply go and get what they want, no questions asked.

Confidence -- belief in one's self and one's ability to get what one wants -- that's one of the
most attractive things in the world to women.

But if you're not getting the thing you want, and you don't want to complain, what should you
do instead?

Don't Complain -- Go Get What You Want Instead

Be strong physically, but more so emotionally. As a man, you should be a pillar of strength
that your family, friends, and especially women can rely on. Let go of the need to whine.
Realize that no matter how much you complain or vent, your circumstances won't change.
Instead, suck it up and handle it. Perpetual victims are unattractive and, more importantly,
unable to better themselves.

When things go wrong, just do your best to make it through the day. It is easy to get caught in
the moment when something bad happens, but just remember that you're a man who solves
his own problems and you will be able to handle it.

45
Make sure the people in your life are taken care of. You shouldn't be anyone's sugar daddy -
you are the most important person in your life - but you'll be appreciated and sought-after if
you're helpful, strong and reliable.

Work out or participate in some form of exercise every day. Regular exercise helps improve
your mood, energy, and overall health! This is a critical part of helping you improve your
emotional control, as it helps maintain the daily stress level. Working out also improves your
confidence and your physical attractiveness - there's no reason not to!

The next time you feel like complaining, fight the urge.

Don't whine.

Don't complain.

Instead, go and get what it is you want.

How? Well, first recognize that any time someone's complained or was about to complain, it's
because he wanted something but either:

Didn't think he could get it


Didn't know how to get it
Was too lazy to get it

You don't want to be like the guy who complains though. You want overwhelming faith and
confidence in your ability to get what you want. Barring that, you at least need to realize that
every time you're about to complain, you should instead take action -- or at least plan what
action you'll take.

Let's use those examples of complaining we gave above and reverse them.

Instead of:

46
"Do we have to go to that restaurant?"

say

"Let's go to Caf Shiraz tonight, and we'll hit up Topaz Ristorante the next time we go out.
Sound fair?"

Instead of

"But I thought you said you could see me Thursday?"

say

"Sure. Let's hang this weekend then."

Then assess where she's at the next time you see her and try to figure out why she's cancelling
dates. Is she losing interest in you or the relationship? Is she just a flakey person in general?
She might not be a good candidate for a relationship after all. Or, if you haven't slept with her
yet, is attraction expiring?

Instead of

"Why don't you always answer my texts?"

say nothing. Just stick to your process, learn more about texting girls (hint: you should
primarily be using texts to arrange meet ups and logistics, and for little else other than the
occasional ice breaker or ping in preparation of setting up a date), and do better with texting
next time. Complaining about it won't help -- she doesn't consciously know why she isn't
responding, just that there's something that's making her not want to -- but fixing your texting
will.

Instead of

47
"I don't like when you're talking to other guys."

simply smile warmly, make conversation with someone else, and if she's talking to this new
guy a lot and seems engrossed, then ask her for an introduction and take over the
conversation yourself. Put a mental checkmark down to keep tabs on how much she flirts
with other men -- this is a behavioral trait, and you'll be hard-pressed to change it. So, if it's a
problem for you, if it's embarrassing (if she's doing it in front of your friends or associates,
for instance), or if she seems to be becoming legitimately engrossed in other men and is a
potential headache risk, strongly consider dropping her and finding a more suitable girlfriend.

Instead of

"Can you not be so rude?"

give her a time out and be cool with her for a while. Not mean; not pouty; just stop paying
her any extra attention or giving her any extra warmth. She'll soon realize that being rude
means she loses access to your warmth and attention for a while, and she'll cut out doing it
with you.

And, instead of

"How come I never hear from you anymore?"

give her a reason to want to contact you -- be more attractive, be more charming, be more
exciting, become a more enriching and enticing aspect of her life. She'll contact you more and
more if you do that.

See how this works? Instead of complaining about the problem -- a useless thing, that puts
the onus to fix things on the other person and asks her to be the one who takes charge and
leads the relationship (a position she'll rarely be willing to take, since it's the man's job to take
it, not hers) -- you take action and solve the problem, or you just ignore it if it isn't
something you can change, perhaps taking mental notes to start looking for a replacement if
it's a trait that's highly undesirable in a partner and not easily changed.

The man who wants to go to a different restaurant does.


The man who thought he'd see a girl on Thursday recognizes that she isn't going to
come over on Thursday now, so he doesn't fight it. Instead he makes a note to figure
out why she's coming over less and resolve the problem -- without being whiney or
complaining.

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The man who's getting fewer responses to his texts fixes his texting, instead of trying
to guilt-trip a girl into replying to texts she doesn't want to reply to.
The man who doesn't like his girl talking to other guys ignores it if it's minor, steps in
if it's immediate and potentially major, and strongly reassesses this girl in the role of
partner and consort if it's major and ongoing.
The man who doesn't like his woman's tone tells her to knock it off by withdrawing
his attention in reaction to it and punishes her bad behavior.
And the man who's hearing from a girl less and less figures out why, and then gives
her a reason to start wanting to contact him more again.

Avoid complaining. This is one part of being a tough can that you can start working on
immediately. Even if bad things happen to you try to make the best of it and don't look for
sympathy from others. This takes no special talent; you just have to develop an inner strength
to deal with problems on your own. Try keeping everything in perspective. You might have a
bad day and there is no denying that can be rough. However, you dont need to tell everyone
about it. Keep in mind that many people have bad days, and that this is something you can
deal with on your own. Of course, if you are in deep emotional pain and need help that's a
different story. But if you're just walking to a restaurant in the winter and you feel kind of
cold, you can probably handle it. [1]

Take action. Make the things you want to happen happen. Doesn't that feel a lot better than
complaining?

The women in your life think so too. And they think you're a much stronger, more attractive
man for it to boot. That's how you get a girl who was on the fence about you to stick around
with you, come home with you, go to bed with you -- even become your girlfriend. Don't
complain -- go get what you want instead.

Avoid drama. Do your own thing, and let others do theirs. If they're not hurting anyone,
what's the problem? Chill people don't look for reasons or opportunities to hate on others just
for being different. There's no reason to bully or tread on other people's territory. Try to be
happy with yourself and encourage self-love in others, too and remember be yourself.

Pick your battles. Some things in life are bound to upset or anger you, and while it's okay to
have those feelings, it's best not to nosedive into every argument that presents itself. Stop,
take a deep breath, and decide whether an unpleasant situation is worth getting into. Catch
yourself before you get stuck in a pointless argument or a big scene. From here, you can
redirect the situation to be in your favor.

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Stoicism

"Stoic" is a word often used to describe people who show their emotions very little or do not
talk much. While it has this everyday meaning, Stoicism was actually a Philosophy followed
by a number of ancient Greeks and Romans which was meant to make people happier by
teaching them to control their negative emotions. Whether you want to simply learn to be
stoic in the modern sense or embrace the ancient philosophy and banish sadness from your
life, read below for some great advice.

Be stoic. In addition to staying calm, it's important to be stoic (showing little emotion). You're
not only stress-free since '93, but you're also never angry, sad, or overly happy. The situations
around you don't phase you much, so you don't have much reason to feel intense emotion.

Whether it's "You killed my fish!" or "I'm dumping you" or "Justin Bieber totally called me
last night," your reaction should be as if someone said, "I bought a new lamp today." That's
nice and all. Maybe you want to know what color it is, maybe you don't. You'll ask if you feel
like it.

Get out of touch with your emotions Internalize your emotions. Keep your
emotions inside and do not let them show outwardly. Experience them but do not
show it. Keep your experience of your emotions limited to inside yourself.

Don't show a wide range of emotions. The very definition of nonchalant is to be


calm and relaxed, pretty much 24/7. You can show mild interest or happiness or
even a little disappointment or frustration but underneath it all, you're still cool as a
cucumber. It's not about being cold and emotionless, it's about being chill.

When a macho guy scores a touchdown, he calmly walks over to the referee, hands
him the ball, and gets back to the scrimmage. Business as usual. Showing off is for
guys who have to compensate, because macho guys are cool and detached and
unaffected. Treat anything that happens, good or bad, as a curiosity. Withhold
excessive displays of emotion.

Keep your reactions minimal. When something happens that brings out an
emotional response in you, physically react as little as possible. Try to react to almost
everything that happens around you casually, as if it's completely natural.

Being at ease no matter what happens is a supreme show of confidence, and


confidence is almost always sexy.

It's especially important to have a low-key reactions to being rejected. If you're trying
to start conversations with lots of different ladies at a party, there's a chance that some
(or even all) of them won't be interested in talking to you. This is OK. React to each

50
rejection with no more hurt feelings than if you've just been told your shoes are
untied.

Let's say your crush told you to back off. Dang. That sucks. You have the urge to cry
and whine and eat your feelings, but the calmer side of you knows better. And you're
not just going to say, "okay," and move on like it never happened, because it did.
When talking about it with your friends, you say something like, "Man, this stinks.
Wish it didn't work out this way, but totally glad I didn't ask him/her out on a date!"
Keep your reactions low-key.

Don't show emotion on your face. Being indifferent is all appearing as if you don't
care one way or another. To keep up that impression, it's important not to give away
your feelings on your face. If your words are, "Oh, that's slightly interesting," you
won't look indifferent with raised eyebrows, eyes aghast, and mouth hanging open.
Try not to look mindless, just a bored expression will do.

It's not about reacting negatively or positively or even not reacting. You're still
present; you're still an alive human being. It's just about hearing or seeing something
and taking it in calmly and definitely not taking it personally. Sort of like every
reaction you have when your little sister's friend starts talking about her potato chip
addiction. Mild curiosity at best.

Don't overreact Keep your facial expressions to a minimum. Not ever. Even if
something happens to be funny to others, just watch them laugh and pretend to insult
them under your breath. When something is surprising, pretend that you already knew
about it or just walk away.

o Sharp, piercing, intense eye contact. No timidity here. You'll notice all three of
the men cited above as example have this. And not only are their stares focused
and intense, but their eyes are held open very wide. Not completely bugged out,
mind you; but wide enough that you can clearly see them. The only exception is
Mozart's first picture, in which his upper eyelids are lowered in a partial squint.
And this is how you'll see men with edge: wide-eyed, or squinting.

You won't see them with the blas, ordinary relaxed eyes that most individuals
employ, because they're intense individuals, and they're constantly running
through things in their minds.

o The underlook. A little-discussed flirtatious head gesture named by Byron as the


"underlook," you'll notice that in every image above (except perhaps Mozart's
second image, which is borderline), the "underlook" is employed. The underlook
is a tilting downward of one's head and chin while staring, wide-eyed and
intensely, into the eyes of another. The underlook communicates intense focus,
and is often employed by both sexy and edgy on-screen characters (James Bond,
Dean Martin, etc.).

Lessen your smiles and laughter. Remember, you can laugh as much as you want
over a joke by yourself in a quiet place, in your own mind, or at home, but when a
person tells you a joke, or something funny or joyful, don't smile or laugh. Be nice,
express your emotions by your words, and not by your facial expression.

51
o Just a hint of a smile. It's almost imperceptible... as we've stated before on being
charming and roguish and particularly when discussing sprezzatura,
understatement takes the day. You'll notice in every one of those pictures above,
with the exception of the third Picasso image, each man has a hint of a smile
playing about his mouth. This makes him look impish... privy to some unknown
detail... and as if he knows something you do not.

Make your voice sound neutral, meaning you can't sound too pitchy or too deep.
Test your voice change; But keep in mind, you don't really have to change it a lot.
Keep your voice but just make it sound really bored and apathetic.

Never raise your voice. People who can remain cool as a cucumber always look and
sound cool. They never are heard yelling in despair or shock.

Don't let your body give you away. So you've got the facial expressions down --
now it's time to make sure your body matches what your face is saying. Turns out
most of body language is just that -- the body. Even if your words and your face
scream "I couldn't care less" but your body makes it clear you're uncomfortable,
you're no longer indifferent.

You should have a relaxed, open position at all times. Like you're watching a decent
movie. You're still engaged, but you're comfortable and stress-free. And if you're
trying to convince your crush you're indifferent, hanging on them is not the way to
mask your body language!

Even if we say the calmest, coolest things, sometimes our bodies give us away. Your
voice says, "It's okay. No worries," when steam is rolling out of your ears and your
hands are clenched in fists. No breaking news here: everyone can see through it. So
when you're speaking nonchalantly, make sure your body backs it up, too.

How your body is positioned will be determined by the situation you're in. The main
way to come off as worried and anxious (and not nonchalant) is if your muscles are
tensed. If you think your body might give you away, go through your body from head
to toe, consciously checking if each part is relaxed. If it's not, let it loose. The mental
nonchalance may come from there.

Calm

Since everything is no big deal and you're analyzing the process from afar anyway, why in
the world would you be anything but calm? You have nothing to lose in 99% of life's
situations when it boils down to it, so why waste your energy?

Lots of people get stressed out during life's situations -- whether it's meeting a deadline, a
fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or drama between friends. It's because they care about the
outcome -- something you don't do. So the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation,
think nothing of it. It'll pass soon enough anyway.

Remain calm whenever possible. Many people act tough but when they are faced
with an emergency they respond by getting panicked, or losing their cool, or blaming

52
other people. Instead of worrying or getting scared take necessary measures to
prevent, correct, and minimize the problem. [4] This is a huge part of being a tough
guy and it doesnt involve having big muscles or being able to punch really hard. You
just have to be calm and collected. Take control of these types of situations. For
example, if a friend gets hurt on a hike be the one who responds quickly and
administers first aid. [5]

Don't let any situation get the better of you. Even if you are panicking inside, try not
to show it on the outside.

In order to be cool as a cucumber, you must not show any fear or signs of being
rattled. When someone is cool as a cucumber other people expect them to never
overact or get stressed out.

Stay even-keeled under pressure. Do you blow your top or burst into tears when
something makes you angry or upset? Being tough doesn't mean not having emotions,
but it does mean keeping them in check so you can think clearly and make rational
decisions. Start reigning yourself in a bit if you tend to react strongly to unwelcome
news.

Don't show your pain. Who cares about what everyone supposedly heard or what
rumors are going around or what people saw with their own eyes? If you want to be
aloof, you must handle pain with as much dignity and grace as possible. If you're
going to fall apart, do it in the privacy of your own home. Don't have a breakdown in
public.

Stay calm on the outside even when you are freaking out on the inside. If these steps
do not seem to help being cool as a cucumber is still within reach. No matter how
freaked out someone is on the inside, they can at least remain calm on the outside.
Unless you are hooked up to a heart monitor, no one will even know what is going on
inside.

Stillness

When I was in high school, I focused really hard on being very still and moving slowly. I
thought it made me seem more dominant and powerful, so I put a lot of energy into mastering
it.

Nowadays, paying more attention when I'm out and hanging with girls, I'm realizing this is a
big thing, nonverbally. Women are very attuned to how still you are. Being still radiates
power.

One of the ways I've come to understand this better is through taking a camera acting class.
You can see it with someone who keeps moving -- legs, arms, body, head, whatever -- vs.

53
someone who is still. Someone who keeps moving puts his energy out through his body.
Someone who is still keeps that energy inside of him and just radiates it out of him.

This is one of the big things the entertainer guys are missing. They're moving around so
much, spending so much energy, so busy being all over the place, that they never take the
time to relax, direct their energy upon one person, really pull that person into their world,
their vibe, their reality, and just be still.

Stillness, I think, is a big part of "charisma" or "magnetism" or whatever you call it. It makes
someone seem imposing, confident, in-control, and unreactive. Other people are moving
around all about him, and there he is, relaxed, unharried, and comfortable in his own space.

He's more comfortable with intensity. Beginners struggle to be intense without losing some
degree of control of their emotions. External intensity = internal intensity. But once a man
becomes more in control of his emotions and more and more naturally smooth, he becomes
better able to channel his intensity without it feeding back and affecting him too (unless he
wants to). This includes through things like intense eye contact, putting social pressure on
people (say, if they're doing something silly or wrong), and forcing decisions ("Are you
coming or not?"). A guy who's intermediate is better able to do these things both calmly and
intensely.

Work on Your Steadiness

Being emotionally calm and not overly reactive is a part of it, but being steady is another big
part. Most people, in emotional situations, are jittery, nervous, and unsure. Their emotions are
flooding their neural circuits, and there's simply too much going on; their voices tremble,
their eye contact falters, and their forced smiles look too fake. Work on this.

Why's it so important to work on your steadiness? Because the fact is, lack of steadiness can
give you away in emotionally heightened situations (such as pulling women home, or
addressing tough questions or objections) that you aren't experienced in.

Oh, sure - you'll get natural steadiness once you've already been there and done that a
hundred times or more. But if you don't want to be reliant on having to acquire massive
amounts of experience in any particular situation before being able to handle it well,
work on getting steadiness down first.

Slow down. Let the world come to you. Never move too quickly. They never run or
act rashly. No one chasing a bus or running after an ex has ever looked cool as a
cucumber. Acting cools means relaxing, not rushing into anything due to uncool
excitement. Instead, just chill, kick back, and wait.

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Let other people talk first. Practice good listening skills, staying quiet until someone
else wants to start the conversation. Acting cool means you're not desperate for chat.
Just take 'er easy. Whatevs.

Take long pauses before you speak, even if you're fairly sure of what you're going to
say. Dramatic pause will give people the chance to contemplate your smarts and your
seriousness. Be stoic, like Kathryn Hepburn, Clint Eastwood, and the titans of cool.

Don't forget to slow your roll, too. Walk more slowly. Look around, scoping the sites.
Smell the flowers. Walk with a cool lope, rather than an efficient bustle.

When you're slow and calm, people are more willing to do something themselves than
to ask you to do it. It's the energetic, wiry people that get asked to comply.

You see a gorilla jumping around the cage, full of energy - he looks cute! So you ask
him, "Hey little buddy, hand me that coconut over in the corner, would you?" Then
you see a slow-moving, calm gorilla sitting in the corner of the cage, who turns his
head v-e-r-y slowly to look at you when you try to get his attention - do you ask him
to hand you a coconut? No, I doubt it, right? Especially not if you're in the cage
there with him and there are no bars between the two of you. You probably leave the
dominant-looking gorilla alone.

Most people also "chicken out" if you are slow and calm and effortless (the "King"
role we discuss in the post on sprezzatura) and they ask you to do something, and
you pause for a moment as if deliberating whether you should. "It's okay, I'll do it,"
they'll often say, then do it themselves.

Getting women invested in you isn't just about having them comply - it's also
about avoiding over-complying, especially with silly or needless requests,
yourself. I strongly advise you get good at shutting down silly requests like, "Can you
take my picture?" or get very good at doing these extremely effortlessly as if you are
doing her a favor but it's not a big deal (rather than making a song and dance out of
them as many newer guys do).

Don't move / respond unless absolutely necessary. When someone says, "Sorry?"
or, "Come again?" pause for 3 seconds or so before you repeat yourself... most of the
time, the person heard you the first time around, and just wanted a moment to think.
By not immediately repeating yourself, you create tension, pressure her to
acknowledge she heard and understood you, and display a jerk-like level of disregard
for someone asking you to repeat yourself.

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Same with moving for people - don't scooch over or make yourself smaller just
because someone sat down next to you in the booth or stood next to you on the bus.
Let them move around you - or be fine taking up space.

Use lots of pauses. Pauses are masterfully powerful when you talk to
women because they keep women hanging on, waiting and
wondering what you're about to say. Pauses communicate the
following things about you:

o You're calm
o You're confident
o You're in control
o You have no need to rush or be impressive

When a man uses pauses when speaking with her, a woman instantly finds him more
intriguing - it is a kind of biological "switch" programmed into her to instantly assess
him as being a more dominant man, and thus a more attractive and interesting one.

Eric talked some about mixing long pauses in with very long stares in his post on
efficient seduction, including giving some conversational examples of how you'd
work these in, and you can also use pauses simply to give you a moment to think or
flesh out a thought. Pauses add a lot of dramatic effect, and cause people to really
pay attention to what you're saying (or about to say). They give the sense that
something important is about to come - and, try not to disappoint.

Talk slower and with a deeper voice: You don't sound too smart if others don't
understand you. Slow down when you talk. Also talk with a deeper voice, which
sounds more authoritative.

Be Relaxed and Comfortable in Any Situation

You dont have to be a master of observation to realize most guys flat out suck when it comes
to flirting. And this isnt even necessarily because they dont know all the right techniques.
The reason for it is actually much more fundamental.

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What is this fundamental reason, you ask?

Only this: more often than not, we repress our emotions and act too stiff or too
mechanical.

Just imagine what a terrific flirt you could be IF you didnt repress your emotions.

Why do we repress them?

Out of fear of failure and public humiliation if efforts fall flat, or *gasp!* a girl snubbing
you. Repress them, and snubs and failures seem easier to shrug off.

But imagine what itd be like to be completely comfortable flirting with even the hottest
girls you meet.

Being cool is all about being relaxed and comfortable in any circumstance. Don't lose your
cool.

Work on being relaxed. The flip side of learning to tamp down your emotions and make
yourself appear more steady is that most learners end up going overboard and become stiff.
But when you're stiff, it's a dead giveaway you aren't actually comfortable OR in control.

What you communicate through stiffness is that you are trying to control yourself, which
means you aren't actually smooth - it's a front you're putting on. The subconscious minds of
others around you read that, and are emboldened by it; "Aha!" they think. "See that!
He's uncomfortable! That mean's we're right!"

When you can be both emotionally unreactive to extreme emotions, andrelaxed in the face of
them, you become extremely naturally smooth. Getting there, however, is the beginner's
challenge.

Relax and be comfortable in your own skin. Look at old videos of Johnny Cash being
interviewed, or Meryl Streep. They give off the impression that they know something you
don't, that they're relaxed in their experience of the world. That's cool. Above all, the most
important part of acting cool? Being relaxed. You want to give off the impression of feeling
comfortable as you, as if you're at ease in the world you inhabit.

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Try not to tap your feet anxiously, or chew your fingernails, even when you're just sitting. Sit
quietly and contemplatively. Anxiety makes everyone anxious. Quiet dignity? That's cool.

Look and be incredibly laid back and "cool". He is always calm and almost never
surprised.

Don't always sit up straight. You're not in the military, relax a little bit. It's
considered nerdy to have a perfect posture all the time. Slouch in your desk and put
your feet out in front of you. You don't have to do this all the time, but it will help you
look nonchalant. If you really want to take it to the next level you can put your heads
behind your head too.

Lean up against things. It's always cool to lean up against things - the cool guys do it
all the time in movies. If you're talking to a girl or guy in the lunch line try leaning up
against the wall with your shoulder while you keep eye contact with them. Super cool.

Try to laugh and remain lighthearted. [7] Dont take things too seriously. Being at
school is a time to have fun. Try not to get as stressed out about things as everyone
else is. People will think youre cool if you never get really worked up about a test but
always seem to do well on them. Just maintain a quiet confidence.

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Sprezzatura
Are You Trying Too Hard? Stop Trying. Start Succeeding

Honestly, trying too hard is one of the most difficult things to explain to someone, and one of
the most difficult things to stop.

Trying Too Hard: A Story

Because I'm someone who's gone through a lot of changes in his lifetime, I've frequently been
in the process of remaking myself, and often when you go through that process it requires the
adoption of new characteristics, traits, and behaviors, many of which are foreign to
you. Because of that, you're in prime position to overdo things, and come across try
hard.

When I first started working after high school, I suddenly found myself out of my middle-
class white existence and thrown into working with mostly black, inner city folks. These were
guys who'd tell you stories about their carjacking days; guys who sold guns and drugs; guys
who were frequently disappearing from work following a drug bust or an arrest or a shooting.
Most of them were a lot stronger and more muscular than I was; all of them were older than
me. And the company made me, a skinny 19 year old kid from the suburbs, the boss of these
guys.

Obviously, they didn't spend a whole lot of time listening to me at first. They'd been working
since before I was born, they'd tell me, or they'd tell me to step outside with them to fight.
These were the kinds of things I had to listen to on a daily basis.

I didn't have a social life back then. I didn't do much, realistically, other than sleep, eat, and
work. So these guy WERE my social circle.

And I decided that if you can't beat, you've got to join them.

I started overhauling myself to fit in. I wanted to be tougher, stronger... more badass.

And I overdid it. And they started poking fun at me for trying too hard.

"Why do you walk like that man?" I remember one guy asking. "You look like you're trying
to make people think you've got muscles. Do you want people to think you've got muscles, is
that why you walk like that?"

"You know," I had another guy tell me right up in my face, who usually didn't talk to me and
who'd just been released after a 5-year stint in the local penitentiary, "you wouldn't last 5
minutes in prison."

It was a hell of a ride for a sensitive kid who'd grown up writing his own science fiction
stories and didn't know how to have friends. I started working out, and put on a lot of muscle
pretty quickly, and I had to learn how to never get called "fake" or "phony" or a
"poseur" ever again.

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While it isnt something most people talk about, it is something that every cool-looking,
socially powerful, and masterfully experienced person does: he adheres very closely to
the Law of Least Effort.

Whether you watch a master fly fisher effortlessly cast his line, then smoothly reel in and
yank back up a giant fish before you know it, only to wonder to yourself, How on Earth did
he do that? I can leave a hook out there all day and catch nothing!... or you watch a beautiful
woman slink through a crowd in a nightclub commanding the attention of everyone around
her despite her slow movements and statue-like poise... thats the Law in action.

All this is is the outward appearance of minimal visible effort, coupled with the
achievement of maximum, and often outsize, results.

Place a novice piano player next to a master pianist. The novice works very noticeably
diligently, but his playing sounds rough and his songs are basic. The master
plays effortlessly (unless hes on a very dramatic piece and putting on a good show), but his
playing is beautiful and his songs are complex. We immediately hold the master in far more
esteem than the novice, and the relationship of effort to outcome is why.

Every cool person you will ever meet instinctively knows this, and constantly and very
often consciously works to minimize the apparent effort he puts out while maximizing his
apparent effectiveness.

Most regular people do not understand this aspect of social power, however, and focus
more on gaining equivalency of effort to outcome I should be able to put effort in and get
an equal amount of outcome back out, they think.

You wouldnt pull ten all nighters in a row just to pass a 10-question quiz responsible for 5%
of your grade in school, for instance. You want to balance out the effort you put into it with
the outcome.

But people who are neither focused on how to be cool nor on how to master
anything usually do not strive to go beyond a net neutral effort-to-outcome ratio in their
lives. Going one more than this takes a level of expertise and dedication that most people
simply dont want to put the energy into acquiring.

Heres what the uncool get all wrong about the Law of Least Effort:
Chasing with little thought to image. These are the guys who just dump epic loads
of highly visible effort into chasing vigorously after whatever theyre trying to get. If
that makes them look pathetically desperate in the meanwhile... so be it!
While persistence is good, its a verydifferent thing from chasing. You must be able
to set your ego aside to get good at anything and let people watch you persist and fail
and try again, but the folks who are uncool are the ones who set ego so far to the side
that they will relentlessly hound people far past the point of any normal persistence
and far outside their own skill levels, making them look both inelegant and incapable.
Results are consistently poor. The cool individual gets consistently great results for
(apparently, though not always actually) little effort. Theuncool individual gets
consistently negligible results for consistently Herculean effort. This is the guy who is
practicing the same exact tennis serve every time you walk by the tennis court and he

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never gets any better. This is almost always a failure of identifying what his weak
points are and fixing them, and/or of seeking out a mentor who can do this for him...
so he just repeats the same actions again and again without ever getting better, like
one of those wind-up toys that walks around and around in a circle, forever destined
to repeat itself. To anyone paying attention, this looks distinctly uncool.
Doesnt play down effort. Talk to an uncool person about something hes working
on, and the first thing you will usually hear from him is how hard hes working. The
next thing you will hear is how meager his results are. This is opposite what youll
hear from a cool person, who will imply hes done little to no work, while reaping
great rewards. The reality is that somewhere along the line the cool person has done a
lot of work to reach the point where he can reap those rewards, but he knows it makes
him look a lot more powerful if he can represent himself as mysterious and naturally
just falling into his returns. The uncool person doesnt get this, and instead tries to
glorify himself by pointing to how hard hes working despite the lack of result...
which only makes him seem ineffectual.
Failure to casually advertise results. Just as the uncool person plays up his effort, he
also typically either plays down his results, or goes too far in promoting them. When
playing them down, this can be because hes unhappy with his performance,
compared to other people hes aspiring to match or surpass, and he communicates this
disappointment loudly and clearly; when playing them up to far it may be because he
thinks if he beats his chest loudly he can willpower others into amazement and awe.
Typically, both leave observers feeling like his results are paltry... especially next to
the massive effort hes apparently had to put in to get them.

The uncool individual follows a rule set regarding to effort/results that dictates he:
1. Chase down the things he wants doggedly no matter how it looks
2. Keeping swinging for the fences over and over and over until he gets a hit
3. Discuss his level of effort expended, so everyone knows how hard he works
4. Pan his results, because hes displeased, or brag about underwhelming results

Meanwhile, the cool individual follows a different set of rules:


1. Pursue the things you want, but be mindful of how youre perceived
2. If something isnt working, figure out why, and tweak it for effectiveness
3. Play down your level of effort expended no one cares how hard you worked
4. Discuss results casually and gracefully, communicating experience winning

The mindsets here that differ are:


The uncool person wants to be seen as hard-working and just unlucky
The cool person wants to be seen as effortless, effective, and lucky

In other words, the uncool person is trying to explain away his lack of success by saying,
Hey, Im trying!

Meanwhile, the cool person is just successful.

Because of these mindset differences, the uncool person will go out of his way to show off
his mountains of hard work, while also showing off his dissatisfaction with his results.
He hopes that you will admire him for his pluck and determination... when oftentimes all that
happens is he ends up looking like someone working really hard to push a dump truck by

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hand to the other side of the street when theres a tow car just down the block. This only
looks like madness and idiocy.

The cool person, on the other hand, is extremely aware how idiotic large amounts of effort
without equal or greater returns appear to people, and so conceals his effort to minimize
the risk of him being perceived socially as inept or idiotic. When effort is invisible, even
small returns look good, and LARGE ones make the cool individual look like a rock star
because of the multiplier effect.

Perceived result divided by perceived effort:


The uncool guy appears to put in 200 effort and gets 5 result. His resulting social
power is 2.5%
The cool guy appears to put in 6 effort and gets 10 result. His resulting social power is
166.7%

Those are made up numbers, but Im convinced the brain uses a similarly simplistic
calculation to determine raw social power its perceived results divided by perceived effort
(the reason it doesnt use real results and real effort is because these are subjective and
unknowable instead, the brain calculates based on what it perceives a given individuals
results and efforts in a given undertaking seem to be).

Now, theres another mindset difference between cool people and uncool people when it
comes to the Law of Least Effort, too:
The uncool person avoids getting out of his element because he fears failure
The cool person seeks to get out of his element to up his experience levels

Well talk about these more just below in the section on breaking rules. Interestingly, theres
some overlap between these two; rule breaking can also be a far more efficient means of
achieving an objective, and, therefore, sometimes the Law of Least Effort will all but require
bending or breaking of rules.

Regardless, by increasing his experience in unfamiliar environments, the individual who


knows how to be cool knows he can make himself both more unflappable the next time
he encounters similar situations, and he can gain experience doing a thing so that he can
get better results with less effort the next time around.

The uncool person generally is extremely rigid and does not want to go out of his element,
because he already struggles enough in familiar situations, and he reasons that spending a lot
of time in unfamiliar situations will just be like this, multiplied a hundredfold. He never
realizes that exposure to a wider variety of new situations and experiences will actually make
him cooler both in new situations, and in the ones hes already familiar with right now.

Adept at minimizing his effort and maximizing his results.While the brooding man waits
for others to chase after him much of the time, and the talkative man does the chasing, the
smooth man straddles the line between, of doing just enough to get people pursuing - he's
constantly adding feathers that tip scales. In doing this, he's able to initiate 95% of what he
wants or needs without having to look like he's chasing - and then get the objects of his
interest to begin to chase and invest in him right back.

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Sticks to the Law of Least Effort religiously does not mean that cool individuals take no
action so as to seem minimally effortful. The Law of Least Effort has two
parts: minimize effort while maximizing returns. Someone who dives to catch a baseball in a
natural, unrushed, effortless-looking way is a firmer adherent of the Law of Least Effort than
someone who stands still and doesnt bother when he could catch the ball because he doesnt
want to look like hes exerting too much effort. The latter man simply looks inept, and
ineptitude is the antithesis of the Laws focus on results and capability.

The Law of Least Effort

When you're working hard for chips, people can tell, and they know you're trying too hard.
And sometimes they'll tell you.

Trying too hard is, in a nutshell, working a lot harder for smaller gains than other
people judge that you should.

Let's say you're sitting at a table, and someone's telling a story about a vacation from hell. At
one point, you jump in to show some solidarity with them:

"I know, right? How could that innkeeper think you'd stay at a place like that?"

This is the kind of thing that someone (a Jester) who's trying too hard will tend to do. They'll
jump in at slightly inappropriate moments to express a slightly-too-much-for-the-occasion
sentiment in order to show themself to be relating, or to bring the spotlight back onto
themself, or to be funny or improve their status in others' eyes.

Examples of things that someone trying too hard will do:


Make "I relate to that" comments when they're not needed
Find ways to interject jokes, humor, and witty comments into everything
Be overly expressive in agreeing with things, "Yeah, totally!" "Tell me about it!"
Seem to be chomping at the bit to dive in and contribute to the conversation
Constantly feel the need to be a part of things at all times
Touch people when it feels like they're trying to touch them

The common thread in all of these is that the guy is trying to regain attention.

I want that to sink in.

If someone tells you you're trying too hard, it means they KNOW you're trying to get
more attention.

You're trying to be funny when the moment isn't quite right.

Or you're trying to show how much you relate to someone when it's not necessary.

Or you're trying to act / look / portray yourself as cool, or strong, or tough, and you're
overdoing it.

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When someone tells you you're trying too hard, it's because you are trying to force an opinion
of you, connection with you, or attention on you.

It's because you're not being a King. You're being a Jester.

Thus comes the Law of Least Effort, which states that the more you can achieve while
appearing to put in less effort, the more attractive, powerful, and "cool" you are perceived as.

When I say the Law of Least Effort, what Im referring to is a very simple, but very universal
and little-understood, social rule common to all forms of socializing (not limited to courtship
and seduction by any means, though certainly of substantial importance there as well, perhaps
especially so).

The quadrant of that diagram that's most important to us here, in terms of guys who are trying
too hard, is the one on the bottom right: The Jester.

The Jester is the guy who's putting a ton of effort in, and getting low results. He's working
really hard for really little in exchange. He is, in effect, spinning his wheels a lot.

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But if we can assume that high effort for low returns is a bad trade, why would anyone
become a Jester in the first place?

The reason is because it often feels like the Jester is getting somewhere with people.

Fact is, people respond differently to each of the four different quadrants:
People like the King because he is powerful. They want to be in his presence, soak up
his majesty, and hope that some of his magic wears off on them too. People are in awe
around the King because he remains so comfortable at all times, and even stays
comfortable in the midst of tense situations.
The Peasant often isn't popular socially - he's just average. He's a hard worker who
gets decent results. The Peasant is the Everyman of the four quadrants of effort and
returns.
The Unknown can be both intriguing and off-putting to people... sometimes both at
the same time. He doesn't seem to care about others' goings on, nor does he ever seem
to have much going on himself. He's just there, and no one's really sure why.
The Jester, like the King, is also well liked, though for other reasons. While people
want to bask in the King's glow, with the Jester they like having him around for the
entertainment value. He's funny; he's informative; he's constantly finding ways to
crack jokes, get people engaged, and make everybody around him happy. He's
uncomfortable with any form of tension, and sees it as his mission in life to plug the
holes of tension with his own effort and energy.

So, as it turns out, the two individuals in opposite corners of the chart are the most attractive
to others: the Jester, who tries very hard and gets little in return, and the King, who doesn't
seem to try at all but gets much in return.

The other two quadrants - the Peasant and the Unknown - escape much notice because they're
more "ordinary."

And while it's not impossible for a Jester to become a King, he's got a lot of work to do
to get there.

It's Good to Be the King

But wait - why would you even wantto be a King? Why not just keep doing what you're
doing?

I'll tell you from experience that Jesters attract, date, and sleep with far less attractive women
than Kings do, and women with far more, shall we say, quirky personalities than do Kings.
Jesters also don't rise as high in their careers, have as cool or effective friends, or find life as
straightforward or fulfilling as Kings do.

It's good to be the King.

The Law of Least Effort is why kings sit on the throne while everyone else comes to them
and stands and kneels. The Law of Least Effort is why women chase after rock stars and the
band members have someone else pick out the prettiest ones and bring them to their rooms.
The Law of Least Effort is why the male lion takes a nap all day and the females go out to
hunt and bring him food and come to him to mate.

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The weak man flails his arms about wildly and rushes from place to place and accomplishes
little. The strong man waves a hand and his will is done.

Women like strong men. Check that women love strong men. But without a solid
understanding of the dynamics of investment and effort, most men's efforts to be perceived as
strong are shots in the dark.

That's why you see so many guys trying to be strong by tooling others. They do okay, until
they run into a guy who understands investment and effort, and he obliterates them. When a
guy makes a dumb comment or tries to belittle you, and you glance at him casually and
skeptically and a slight smile spreads slowly across your lips as if he's just said something
cute like what a little boy might say, then you turn your head casually back to resume doing
or saying whatever you were doing or saying before his attempt to put you down, you've
just...blown him out of the water.

Effortlessly.

Because he invested a great deal to put you on the defensive, but his efforts fell flat. He's on
the suboptimal part of the effort diagram: he's invested much, but gained little in return.

Makes sense when you think about it, doesn't it?

But how often have you ever thought about this before?

This is one of those core, core aspects of human socializing and fundamentals that no one
knows, and no one ever talks about. The man I mentored under early on in my studies of the
social arts discusses a similar concept calledsprezzatura, defined as "studied carelessness."

I call it the Law of Least Effort.

Whatever name you prefer, the end result is the same: if you're visibly expending a lot of
effort while getting little in return, you're a bit of a joker to people; no one takes you
seriously.

If on the other hand you're putting out very little visible effort, but getting a lot of
returns, people stare at you in awe and call you cool, awesome, powerful, sexy.
Charming. Amazing.

The other two are the guys who don't do anything the unknowns and the guys who work
hard and get returns the peasants.

That's the main thrust behind the Law of Least Effort. Most guys out there are jesters. We
want you to be a king.

Often times, the people who strive the hardest for coolness are sabotaging themselves by
trying too hard. People like people who don't try, but are still successful. How does that
work? One of the secrets of being cool is that, when one is just between trying and not trying
at all, things just fall into place.

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Just about every adult will tell you that when you grow up, you'll realize that being cool
doesn't really matter and if they would've known that being cool is about not trying, they
wouldn't have stressed so much. Though it's easier said than done, try to relax a little. If
you're trying too hard, it's a turnoff and people won't think you're confident and that you don't
like yourself. And if you don't like yourself, why should they?

Stay effortlessly in control of the situation. There's a good reason why ladies' men are
called "smooth operators": these types of people often have dominant personalities and know
how to control (or "operate") social situations to their benefit. The smoothest, suavest players
of all know how to lead conversations in the directions they want without even appearing to
do so.

This effortlessness is key someone who insists on dominating a social interaction but is
visibly agitated about the ordeal can give truly bizarre mixed signals. Think about it: If you
were having a conversation with someone who was obviously trying to woo you and was
obviously nervously about it, would you be attracted? Doubtful.

"Studied Carelessness"

Notice that when we talk about sprezzatura, and when we talk about the Law of Least Effort,
what we're actually talking about is putting in less visible effort. In other words, it's all about
the appearance of being effortless.

Basically, that the person who appears to put the least amount of effort out, while getting
the largest amount of effort returned to him by others, comes across as the most socially
powerful.

Note the italics around the word appears in that bolded section of the second paragraph. We
arent necessarily talking about the person who is actually, literally trying the least, but rather
the person who is able to accomplish the most with the appearance of putting in the least
amount of work.

Appearance. Its all appearance. Or, half appearance, half results. The appearance part is how
much effort youre expending; the actual-results part is what you actually get from others.

Think back to the Hard Push. Thats the nickname Ive given to the kind of persistence I
talked about in Dont Let Her Go. Its basically talking a girl out of leaving (or, alternatively,
into coming with you). If you were to watch me, or anyone who does this with any degree of
expertise, persuade a woman who was about to leave to instead stay, it would look like very
little effort was involved. All the guy persisting did was tell his girl four or five times not to
go, give her another reason to stick around each time, in a very laidback, relaxed tone, and
she stuck around.

Heres the rub, though: as effortless as it sounds, now ask a guy whos never done that before
how hard he might find it to do. For most men, this is so outside their experience and
worldview and seems so hard to them that it isnt even something theyd consider trying.

But, the appearance is that the man who persisted in a relaxed manner
andsucceeded achieved a great deal with very little expended effort. And because of that,
he looks quite powerful: he achieved a lot while hardly lifting a finger. Thats the appearance.

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Think of every single man you have ever considered cool. Some of them may have been tall
guys; some of the may have been short guys; they may have been fat guys, skinny guys, old
guys, young guys, white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and everything in between. A colossal
variety of guys, all with different personalities, and probably with only one thing in common
amongst the lot of them: every man you think of as cool subconsciously knows and
obeys the Law of Least Effort. He does things that minimize the appearance of effort on
his part, while maximizing his results.

Fortunately, I learned fairly early on under a few really smart guys whose focus on
investment as one of the pillars of attraction set me back on the course ofmaximizing the
investment of the women in my life while minimizing theappearance of my own
investment. Again, the word appearance is key there oftentimes, I was spending a greater
deal of time and mental effort and concern on women than perhaps any other companion
theyd had before ever had, but I always made an effort to make my effort appear effortless.

As you become increasingly familiar with investment and compliance, it pretty radically
changes your worldview. You notice even small, subtle things like how much of a womans
body is turned toward you, or how much of her mental energy and focus she is putting into a
conversation with you and calculate how much shes investing. You become hyper-aware of
investment.

As you become aware of investment more and more, you become more skilled atgetting
it. Because as you improve you can get investment faster and easier, you necessarily
begin to get it seemingly more effortlessly, as well, and very naturally increase your
default level of cool stemming from others perception of the balance of effort youre
putting out and effort youre receiving back. A focus on investment, over time, makes you
cool almost by default, because it indirectly teaches you the Law of Least Effort.

I typically like to give a lot of practical, real world tips and suggestions and examples on how
to use a technique Ive written about, but the Law of Least Effort is rather different than the
kind of thing you can immediately go out and start doing. Instead, its something that should
influence your thoughts and actions as you move through your interactions with others.

To get to that point, you may very well have to work yourself to the bone, though.

Cultivating an appearance of studied carelessness of effortlessness is no small feat. It


entails an understanding of social dynamics that few people ever come to possess. And it
entails mastering the ability to get people to do what you want without having to expend
much effort.

That's two things right there that are essential to it. They are:
Learning to understand people very well, and
Learning how to compel people to do what you want them to do very well.

Both, for obvious reasons, are essential to being a talented seducer and ladies man, so you're
going to end up working hard to master both of those anyway. But you should also be
seeking, as you learn them better and better, to incorporate their lessons into your presence
and presentation; you should seek to minimize the visible effort you put in while maximizing
your returns.

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Let's take this out of abstraction and look at an example so you can start seeing what I mean.

Example Part 1
A man sees a woman across the room. He locks eyes with her, turns to face her fully, and
strides across the room directly toward her. When he reaches her, he faces her fully and
introduces himself.

Example Part 2
A man sees a woman across the room. He feigns not noticing her, then talks to someone
nearby him. Several minutes later, he strikes off, taking a circuitous route around the room,
until he comes nearby to her. He acts as if he's just noticed her, and casually nudges her arm,
getting her attention. She looks at him first; he turns to face her a bit and locks eyes with her,
and introduces himself.

Of those two men, which would you say the woman felt more attraction to?

Well, she probably thought the first guy was quite bold. But consider this: now that she has
this expectation of him being this incredibly bold man, for walking across the room zeroed in
on her, if he's anything less than incredibly bold and direct, do you think it'll work?

Well... not really, it won't, no. He needs to be on fire, or be so accustomed to incredible


boldness that it's simply the way he always is. There are a few men who can do that
consistently but most men can't. And reaching that level of consistent boldness, while a
noble goal, is incredibly difficult. You can do it, but there are faster and easier paths to
success with women.

The second man in our example, everything seems so casual and natural and effortless. The
woman isn't going to expect him to be incredibly bold. But if heis, she'll be still more
impressed. And if he isn't, if he's still cool and in-control, she's going to be attracted. Because,
from her perspective, he's put in very little effort to get to know her, but he does a good
job of it anyway.

That first guy put a lot of effort in, so he's going to be held to a much higher standard for
results. If his results don't go above his already large outlay of effort, he's going to look
tryhard.

The second guy is held to a lesser standard for results since he put less effort in. That means
that even if he doesn't get quite the results the bold guy does, comparatively he's going to
appear more attractive, and women will be more willing to do something with him.

This isn't speculation. This is rigorously tested. I've done the "walk across the room and
boldly open" thing a number of times. You get strong reactions out of it; women either really
dig it, or they're very dismissive. The ones that dig it though, if you don't move incredibly
strongly and boldly with them right away, you lose them fast.

Needless to say, I usually go the sprezzatura route and go for effortlessness. It means that
even if I'm a little off, I still have a decent shot of moving things forward. You don't have to
be perfect when you're visibly expending little effort.

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The funny thing is, the guy who navigates around the room to casually open a girl, when you
think about it, he's actually expending more actual effort than the guy who just straight-lines
it for the girl. But it isn't about actual effort it's about the appearance of effort.

The king may be crunching inordinate amounts of numbers in his head and stressing like
crazy over how to get the population what they want and not incite rebellion and how to
manage the drama going on between his wife and his head concubine, and he may be putting
in late nights planning and strategizing and figuring it all out.

But when people come before him on the throne, he only sits there calmly and gives them
orders.

He's the hardest working man in the kingdom. But he creates the appearance of achieving all
the results he achieves on the expenditure of little effort, and it makes him seem all the more
powerful.

Less is More

The key to being cool is to not try so hard. Cool people don't push; they're not needy. While
working on your coolness, try dialing everything back a bit. Don't be too eager or too
excitable.[7]

Stop Trying. Start Succeeding.

Most people know, I think, at least subconsciously, if they're trying too hard. It was certainly
the case with me. There's just a sense, underneath the surface, that you're working too hard
for the results you're actually getting... the results just don't match your expectation of what
those results should be. And you know you're putting in way more work for them than you'd
like to.

Once I had a "tough but relaxed" vibe down about myself - and it took some time - I found
that managing the tire shop was a heck of a lot easier.

Guys stopped challenging me, almost altogether.

People respected me more.

I could micromanage less - things would just get done.

Best of all... it was far less work for ME.

I wasn't a poseur anymore. I was legit.

And if you're trying too hard, my message to you is that you should start trying
even harder... to rein yourself in, that is.

There are men out there who are not trying hard enough. Those are the Unknowns (who need
to progress to Jester before they go anywhere else), and the Peasants (who need to try harder
to rein in the level of effort they expend to get the results they do).

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But if you're in the Jester's quadrant - if people around you are telling you you try too hard, or
you feel like you do - your mission is to try hard to take a more balanced approach: get your
results up by getting your effort down. Walk that middle path, and be clear but be
understated.

At that point, you'll stop trying... and start being, and start succeeding.

Work on being effortless. The great thing about working on being relaxed and working on
being effortless is that the two go hand in hand. When you slow down your movements, take
more time to respond to questions, take time to look someone in the eyes and smile first
before answering, and throw a lot of pregnant pauses into your communication, you give
yourself time to think, slow down the interaction, and cut into anyone else's ability to take
control of the conversation and start driving it down a path that's bad for you (it's hard to
really grill someone when he keeps taking his time, pausing a lot, and using
good conversation guidelines and turning the topic right back to you after he answers).

To become a King, you must learn to achieve what you want to achieve with LESS
exertion.

That means, if you want people to think you look big and tough, you learn to walk big and
tough, and thentone it down. Do it enough that it's noticeable... but almost under the radar.

Ever see guys walking REALLY dramatically? It's almost comical. But a guy walking strong
but understated... he looks POWERFUL.

Here's another example. Ever see a guy holding his arms really far out from his body to try
and make himself look bigger? Yeah, looks silly, right? Instead, just puff out your chest and
keep your back straight. Then, deliberately don't put your arms out on the side like those
guys. People will think you look authentically strong, but they won't know why.

Tryhard guys flip "instability" switches in people that frighten them off. Why? Think about it
like this:
1. You run into a guy who's "tryhard tough," carrying his arms out from the sides of his
body. You accidentally insult him. How do you think he'll react?
2. You run into a guy who's legitimately tough, but in a cool way. You accidentally insult
him. How do you think he'll react?

Most likely, you'll assume that Guy #1 is going to huff and puff and try to knock you down.
Meanwhile, Guy #2 is not going to make a big deal about it.

That's because you instinctively know that Guy #2 is secure and confident in who he is,
while Guy #1 is putting on a show and trying to convince himself and others... and he'll
freak out if the curtain is pulled up on that show or his adopted self-image is threatened.
Women are aware of this subconsciously too... and the Guy #2s of the world (the
authentically cool and confident) pull a lot more girls, and a lot more beautiful and higher
quality girls, than the Guy #1s of the world (the tryhard guys).

It's not even close, really.

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When you train yourself how to behave socially, for this reason, you want to be thinking one
word:

Understated.

You should be understating your:


Posture
Body language
Nonverbal communication
Verbal communication
Relating to others
Humor

Understated.

Move more slowly. Talk more slowly. React more slowly.

When someone's telling a story, let them tell it. Make them wonder if you relate to it or
not. Don't be afraid of social pressure - that pressure is your friend, to an extent. You
want to not have so much of it that things get weird, but not have so little that everyone can
count on you to alleviate the pressure at all times and function as the Jester who's going
around making everyone feel carefree and happy.

And think understated in all things. How can you get the message across you want to get
across, but without overdoing it?

To be sure, this is a difficult mindset to maintain. It's taxing. You'll be monitoring your
communication, verbal and nonverbal, to the most minute level... it's a high wire balancing
act. "How do I come across as relatable, but not TOO relatable?" you'll ask yourself. "How
do I seem strong, but not TOO strong?"

You'll be turning a lot of gears in your head while you train yourself to respond appropriately
in situations to give the right presentation to others.

But the good news is, once you've trained yourself on the right way to present yourself in
given situations, it becomes automated.

You stop thinking about it.

And then, ever after, you've just got it nailed.

Let's give you some practical examples of all this. Here's how a conversation between a
normal girl and a normal guy will look:

Girl: So, do you have a girlfriend?


Guy: Um... [knows this is an important question; gets uncomfortable] ... no.

By reacting uncomfortably here, the guy communicates that:


He isn't in control

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He's not used to being asked this

Further, through his response ("Umm... no"), he communicates that:


He isn't all that desirable (otherwise, he'd have a girlfriend)
He isn't lover material (otherwise, he'd have a far smoother answer than "yes" or "no")

Now let's say the guy's a beginner learner at how to be smooth, and he gets asked the same
question. Instead of the above dialogue, he has the following one:

Girl: So, do you have a girlfriend?


Guy: [slow smile spreads across his face as he's looking away; slowly he turns to look at her,
making eye contact half a second after his face has risen to meet hers] Why do you ask?
Girl: I'm just curious.
Guy: [smiles again, as if he knows EXACTLY why she asked and he's just playing along]
Oh. Well, no, I don't have a girlfriend. [leans in to look at her] Do you have a boyfriend?

That's probably a bit stronger than most beginners will pull off, but later on in the beginner
phase you'll put together responses that look a lot like that.

While the guy here is still giving the girl a definite answer, he's making her workfor that
answer, and he's using nonverbal communication to imply here that he knows exactly why
she's asking.

Here's another example, this one of a pull where a man's inviting a woman home with him,
and the woman is demurring. A normal man's attempt:

Guy: How about we get out of here?


Girl: And go where?
Guy: [knows he shouldn't be this direct, but feels like he has no choice] I thought we could
go back to my place.
Girl: I'm kind of tired. Maybe we can go to your place next time.
Guy: [knows he's being turned down, but figures, "Well, there's always next time!"] Okay.

This is a pretty awfully constructed pull, but you'd be amazed how many men try to get
women home with them with a pull like this.

It's little wonder so many guys call it "getting lucky." It's like playing tennis with a blindfold
on. It's a miracle if you manage to hit a ball back over the net.

Here's how a beginner at smooth who's been doing his homework is going to look:

Guy: Let's go somewhere a little more chill and less crowded.


Girl: Where?
Guy: [slow smile] It's a surprise. But it's better than here. Come on.
Girl: I'm kind of tired. Maybe we can go to there next time.
Guy: [ignores this and acts like it's a ridiculous suggestion] You can rest in the cab on the
way over. We're going. [takes her hand and leads]

This pull works far better, because this guy doesn't make it a big deal. This is where
steadiness and effortlessness comes into play - whereas for most guys, this is a HUGE deal

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("I'm inviting her home! Sex! Oh man... is she going to sayyes? I don't know!"), and women
pick up on that and it freaks them out, for the guy who's learning how to be smooth, he keeps
himself calm and steady and unenthusiastic and emotionally unreactive.

He stays smooth.

And when he does this properly - when he stays steady, keeps his enthusiasm and fear and
nervousness tamped down, and remains calm and unemotional - the girl doesn't pick up on
anything that would communicate that this is a big deal.

And since HE'S acting like it's not a big deal - SHE'S inclined to think it isn't, TOO.
One of the miracles of smoothness... even if you're only a beginner, and you're having
to pretend to be calm and steady and effortless, if you do a good enough job at it, you will
actually make HER feel calm, and she'll be orders of magnitude more likely to go with you
than an ordinary, average, nervous guy who's making this simple act of going back to his
place to do something that humans do every day a GIGANTIC DEAL.

Make it not a big deal, be smooth, and be natural, and suddenly women are just coming along
with you like it's the most natural thing in the world... because for them, from the way you
communicated it to them, it is.

How can I get what I want while appearing as effortless as possible? you might ask
yourself. This is a great place to start, and a good launching pad for exploring the power of
the Law of Least Effort.

Some other good general tips:


1. Find ways to maximize the positive attention you receive passively. This includes
most fundamentals, like posture, nonverbals, and hair- and dress-styling. The more
positive attention you receive from people without having to actively do anything to
get it, the better.
2. Find ways to maximize your level of visible comfort. You should always be the
most comfortable person in the room. A good rule of thumb is, if you feelcomfortable,
you look comfortable. The more comfortable you look, the more confident, strong,
and effortless you appear.
3. Find ways to minimize your level of investment. One reason I got myself very good
at connecting with women rapidly was because once women feel a connection, they
tend to be incredibly talkative and talking, for me at least, is work. Its much easier
to be the listener while someone else talks and talks and if youre comfortable as
you listen, you appear to be expending far less effort, while the woman youre
speaking with does her best to impress and attract you.
4. Get good at giving orders and commands in a very relaxed, low-effort way. When
giving people orders or commands, you want to give those orders or commands in a
voice that is both dominant and demanding, but also relaxed and calm. The more
effortlessly you appear to state your demands, the more likely you are to get
compliance with those demands.

The Law of Least Effort is pervasive you will find it everywhere, in just about everything.
Learn it well, and begin applying it whenever you find yourself socializing. Youll be thrilled
when you see it in action appearing effortless is a critical part of being successful in dating,
relationships, and all manner of courtship and social interactions.

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Dont try too hard. This is huge. If it seems like you really want to be perceived as cool, no
one will think youre cool. Just try to stay low key. This is hard, but you can do it. [5]

Finding the Right Balance

Before you go thinking you want to invest nothing, keep this in mind: you must invest at least
a little to achieve results.

The king still has to open his mouth and speak for his will to be done.

The challenge to sprezzatura is finding the right line to walk to generate the results you want
to generate without putting in too much visible effort.

Some suggestions:
Keep correspondence with women short, direct, and to-the-point; use it primarily to
arrange face-to-face meetings.
Master the arts of deep diving and conversation to get women talking a great deal
while speaking sparingly yourself.
Learn to move slowly and regally; powerful men don't jerk around or move much.
Strong men have abundant levels of stillness.
Learn the right voice tone for giving commands. You'll often want to raise your voice
at the end of a command, as if it were a question, withoutactually making it a
question. This raises buy-in substantially and eliminates much of the chance a woman
resents you for giving her a command (more common with Western women).
Learn to respond to jokes or insults with subtle facial expressions instead of verbal
responses. In fact, learn to respond to many things that don't necessarily need a verbal
contribution with expressions instead.
Talk slowly and use lots of pauses. Powerful men don't speed through their
conversation; they take their time to make a point.

Once you have those down fairly well, you'll notice you start getting greater and greater
returns on lower and lower amounts of visible effort. You may still be expending a greater
degree of actual effort, processing everything and learning new behavioral patterns. But the
cool part about it is, once you've learned it, it becomes second nature then,
socializing does become truly effortless.

When it reaches the point where it's easy and natural and it just flows, and all you have to do
is start talking to girls and things just work and they somehow just end up in your bed... that's
when you know you've made it.

Sprezzatura. Just remember you want to be the king leave being the jester to all the other
guys out there.

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