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Absent Goddess
Offered by Heru Christos


Many have been my experiences with the Absent Goddess. At every turn of my heart, beckoning me further into this Darkness, I have stared into yet another mask; each a facet of some unknowable Void. She is as ephemeral as our own images in a mirror; Yet her beauty is the essence of that impermanence, it is the very sorrow invoked at the realization that everything changes. Only Nothing, the sweet Goddess herself, never changes. These words are not from some unknowable source, however; they are the imperfect attempts to translate the beatings of this heart in devotion to my Love, and to existence herself. These pains are the essence of our humanity- to escape from them is to escape from the thrill of union which we taste in those moments when we disperse into sensual awareness. Without these pains, without these sorrows, this world would be cold and lifeless. I share these words in an attempt to articulate the elegance, the sublimity, of the experience of pain and pleasure in Loving. The nature of being human is to struggle, to live, to be enwrapped in the irrational feelings that pulse at the very heart of our soul. The meager attempt to translate these experiences is the birth of Art, and the Birth of Divinity. Our continuous struggle to create based upon our own hearts longing is the only true path to the center of this Labyrinth.

Visions Rape this life has pressed this dreary soul into the withered molds of decay; thrashed and screamed into fairest begotten day and I lay with death I knew her corpse For she wore away As I showered her In the acid of my love; Cocoons break And this falls away With the final few walls; For these tears were never enoughBut for a dying world They fed beyond my sight; And dreams became my spirit My vision broke this illusion And in the purity of truth I found a Flame Alive amidst the darkness That this love pressed in to me. I found a never again That let me sleep

Not in peace But in a vengeful fragrance of A Truth worth dying for A Truth worth fighting for; I found my way along Shifting labyrinthian walls; And from its abyss, These bitter stings Rose to meet my innocence. Enduring the Beasts I learned to walk again In that shadow I found a spark, I see now by its light, Forced to find my own Dream Which became my soul; This heart is unbearable, Kindled into silence; I walk within this gift It outpours from my skin, Exuded from my words It finds a voice in me; I tremble as I reach my hands Out to the few instruments At my command; Afraid to create; Afraid to try4

Yet compelled to share The presence of this indwelling divine… This weakness devours from within Yet the strength of its force Calls me to be free; Tender kiss from this fountain Of Amritas dew in flower; The images arise, In my souls sacrifice; Planted seed in barren despair I am a change, Magick entire fused in to my flesh; A mutant of its siren song; My brain a receptacle For its infinite depths; Enchanted I try to place These words in fragile shells. I fail. I stumble; I fall again and again, Into the wretched The wretched lies That bind me Try to tie me to this demons sonorous voice. Harangued by guilt

And fear of hope; Blessed with sight, Yet no voice to scream To praise its perfection, To drop down to knees In worship with my eyes; Searching they find, to blame. And this tongue Cannot frame Its mighty NameFor all I have is a failing trail Of whispers and tendrils Which touch this presence With a small and frail Whimpering smile, all Lingering as some long gone scent, Inside my only kissOffered to some unknown wish. Searching this forsaken Waste of dilemmas riddle, This sphinx of mist; This enigma of life’s bliss. From out of its bite, This poison in my blood, This is Heaven begotten Inside this absent

Devoid sky Which I have lain beside And tried to die; For I am too walled off, Too alone and scarred To manifest this dream; I press on, Bloom wings to fly For I have no choice But to immolate this “I” To be gone with the doubts And to let vision Take flight; To sweep across This barren rock And ignite It, Ablaze.


Lingering Senses This lingers, unfolding like lotus blooms Projecting this flight into unknown possibilities. This heart beats again… Fear. Pulse. Love. Pulse. Trembling this iridescent glimmer Reflects off of my stillness. Light is brought, ablaze it glows. You, dear night, have erupted this heart, Beating to this magnificent dance of life. Slipstreams slide through the moonbeams Between your eyes; the glow pulses again. “Give in, slip between The pull of the motion of stars draws you in Beckons the hidden depths of your sorrow To extend into light” your eyes speak. I listen, moving out, Through this membrane I push; Fluid moments of past presents Flicker through this heart, a million manifold memories pass across this wounded vessel, filled with light I enter light; and in the infinitude of its mad piping

I hear the sounds of rolling drums Echoing softly over tender limbs, Skins velvet caresses Like a warm scent upon a sheen, A perfect tendril of comparison Which unwinds across my back, Up my spine it pushes, And the magick bleeds from my veins Poured out as a sacrifice To your infinite body. This dream enters, breathing me in; It licks the sound from my throat As a soft kiss it comes from these lips; A worshipping eternity Born into this pregnant silence; Each instant the birth of some new dream. I weave the threads from this moments choices, Spinning a web to catch the flies of fate To ensorcel the world In a blaze of radiant re-creation. In this ecstatic night the pores weep out A bitter and beautiful elixir A wine of deepest amber hues, A vision glistens with a salivating hunger To be born, to take form, And out of this Love comes careening

A billion untold futures; And I weave them on this loom of tears And from its beauty radiates a perfect future. My blood waters these dreams; Ingested into the earth they take form. With undulating scintillations They shimmer with a simple radiance As from the glow of your body, Infinite and perfect and resplendently empty. In this place I burn up, These words, this tongue A golden flame of worship To the divine love Which emanates through your skin. I lie still, surrender to its pulsing. Fear. Pulse. Love. Pulse. Death. Pulse. Dream.


Deaths Demise intentions pressing like lifting veils, presence unfolds from inside this jail; unbarred and unlocked timid steps into light, found in foundations of perfect sight; with a leap and a roar, with a timid small quiver I move into shadows, with a heart full of love, I slip between the sliver of dawn before the sun sets and in to this secret adytum I spy a secret lovers kiss and cry, here I die, amid the moonless aeons revolving , quiet, still; here all ends, this offering of my will; here Vision is born from out of this womb, my body encased and enthroned in the tomb; my love breaks free

from the chains and the bars, my voice cries aloud and sounds the alarm. I take flight into Being, into ecstasies bliss and from out of my night comes the sight of a kiss, infinite and wondrous, encased in your dew, lunar milk from the stars upon earths few who see love in their souls and eternity in this embrace full of awe at the glory which rains down from your face. and I, I watch from within and in my darkness I see the birth of this star that’s inside you and me. blazing throughout all of creation I am set one fire in one glorious pyre singing hymns to the night bringing forth hidden light, and in one long cry,

one last painful prostration I lie still, I die, and out of this death the final manifestation of dreams disguise unveiled at last from the plan of pains demise. wondrous goddess, inspired and prepared there is an ocean to swim in in the depths of your stare. You are Love and Light, a reflection of our divine.

Boundaries Pressing lips, mad kiss Touch of divinity is my insanity Passions breath drips dew of dreams I place myself against the grain, Bare the pain of this infinite creation; Eyes of an angel pierce this devil, Dissolves this darkness In the clear light of your midnight sky;

Beloved emptiness Your shimmering removes this fragile Sense of self, breaks these chains, Unbinds this blindness Untapped light beyond sight. Forever my madness Entrances the glances From the radiant empty jewel Which is your arched starlit body. I am infinite in your embrace; Past the seed of transition This grows out of me, Out of us, out of Visions presence; Ancestral awakening bringing forth day. This is a beginning. Here is where I end And your body begins. There are no more boundaries For we are None, Together in eternity. I finally fade away.


Spaces Between Her the voices to the winds of change, echoing softly down; rose petals scattered soft velvet for feet to tread. down to the waters edge, pale reflections cast across abysses glow bugs twinkle in the frenzy of pan. and I, amidst these branches of twilight, I sink down into this heart, into the wonton barren life around me I sink down into these trees amidst those places of desolation. my love is here, dear love.... dear love.... and I walk again to the sound baleful trumpets lick clean my wounds, and circles fall past this worn path, driving me to the wildernesses edge. and there, to see, ah to see. Being, encompassed again in thralls of pale comparison reaching out unto its counterpart,

like too many lovers crying for union blindfolded and lovely, manifold in their limbs pressing noses to beehives, and sucking in the sweet honey. nectar. "dear lady, why have I come?" "to learn the dissonance of His harmonies, to find His wayside cast beyond the hearth, to hear the vibrations of his harp, to hear the echoes of his flute. Dear chaos enwraps you and feeds you." She says. "But what of yourself?" "I am the glades transience, its waterfalls and cracking twigs, the breezes through its trees, the fog rolling off its waters, the dew upon its spiders webs. I am the ephemeral life, trapped in ecstasy unto my Lord, forever entwined between the glorious dances of energy and the chains of flesh. For me, there is not eternity, but rather fleeting images,

each as unreal as the next. and in all is my beauty residing, reflecting and refracting. in every wind swept cliff, in the beat of every wing in the call of every bird, in the dance of life entire I am. I am the executor of His Law." And I carry on between and back again, as his rain shorns my body leaving me cool and placid and calm. leaving me empty again, so wonderfully empty. I can never return to the habitations of men. a wild one I have become. a child of chaos, a desolate and forsaken wanderer amidst the glorious heaven of wilderness. forget me not, oh lord, for I am ever thy child!


Tumbling Through and my heart tumbles over I see indentations in my skin from where the wrinkles of my sheets pressed into my sides. I smell awakening, and with a breath of crisp air I am shaken awake. I am alive, here, alive. Like so many drifting petals my mind wanders. This heart is free and it beats to the motion of the winds to the speech of the water; it stands erect and powerful as an oak. A light has grown within, and I wrap myself in the darkness. Under the cloak of silence, my love finds its rest; amidst this night I watch the shadows pass and I see forms flicker like so many thoughts in my head. Yet I am at peace,

I am at rest. Tumbling over my emotions, I have found the tracks which led me to this Palace of night I have found this void, so perfect and still; and I alight, as a million suns burning, I fill this space with light. This is nothingness with twinkles. Here I will lay my weary head; here I find my peace amidst this emptiness inside me. Here I will finally stay. I am so tired of running from it so tired of reaching for escape. I have come homehere there is no one. there is no god no lover no friend. here, there is nothing. My beloved nothing. I need no security

when I am wrapped in this lovers arms. No escape, no desire to leave. I accept and I sink downwards. never to leave again. this heart is inviolate immolated; it is immaculate in its precipitate. I let go, into her warmth. There is no guarantee no safety. only the pure thrill of Life pumping through my veins informed from my heart--here all roads meet. I lay my past at peace, I let it all wash away. I have taken the dive down into those deep watersI have left it all behind. I have given up my "love" and I have learned to breathe these waters. How glorious the mysteries of the deep,

how silent, how still, how full of awe and terror and wonder. how the world misses when it seeks in vain to be saved; for they only wish to be saved from the wonder of the unknown the beauty of cosmic expansesthey only ask to be saved from living Life. There are no safe answers here, there are no easy ways out. There is pain, there is sorrowbut they are as nuances in the movement of the tidespain and sorrow are but shadows which play across the patterns of the waves. They are dances, they are definitions. Sorrow defines me, it engulfs me, and as I let go, it is my lover, it is my poetryit is what makes my life worth living. for it gives me moments of joy, and gives me beautyfor what is beautiful must pass away21

and thus is it perfect in its moment never to be captured never to be tamed, never to be saved. I was a fool to ever hold on, to attempt to rid myself of these feelings. they are what I am, and I love them as my very flesh and blood. They leave indentations on my skin from the covers of my lovers. They are the scents of so many days gone past. Fond and painful memories. I have found myself. I have come home. as my heart tumbles over it sees itself and awakens to this moment holy and shining, painfully dark and wonderfully radiant.


Coming Home Enwrapped in this silence The images creep in Under dissolution of sacrifice I find no more words; Lost in the desolation, I am becoming as nothing I have to let go, to fall in the wind. I fall, I am set ablaze, This light is not my own! Sinking into air and death I cry, And my tears become dreams And my blood The life thereof. I am become as perfection Untainted by any one thing. Only in this love, Perfect, passive, peaceful Am I found whole; I am loosing myself All in you, dear beloved! Clear as your darkness is, I welcome its cool embrace.

None of this is mine, I have become it all, All in you! Reflect on me, See your beauty and infinity Become in these dark eyes of longing. Feel my hand grasping for you, And let us go Into the wonder and terror Of the cosmic expanses; Let us embrace the totality Of our insignificance, And expand ever outwards! Let go, give in The hardships threaten The fear grips But we mist dive, you and I. How I have felt you before How I have known you In days long past, In dreams and visions How I have seen you! There will be no vanity here, Only clear expression of love And devotion… I offer you what little I have

What little I am All of it in sacrifice Of the sheer bidding of this heart. I know not why But as I bleed out I am joyous in my going In my giving In my passing. Relief, ecstasy, Purity. Here, I have come to lie A bed of flowers, of roses, Scents of your sweet jasper. I lie down here to die In you. Soft, sweet El, Wonderful peace, Rest…… How tired I am, How very very weary Of searching Crying Struggling I give up now. I am come home To stay.

Crystalline Dissolution I repose in the rapture, In a sea of stars I gather myself; Ah, but there I no hurry, For times exists not for us; It is all the joy of courtship, The games before the night of union. Who comes unto whom? I know not whether my love Is my longing for thee, Or thy longing for me! But these are but sweet words From the bitterness of separationBut even in these I see thy glory! No action I may take Can be other than towards thee! Oh thou mighty nature, Thou art the perfect image Of the sky above… My longing is exceeded Only by my joy of longing; For there is no rest in my motion, A peace amidst the Storm, Thus do I call thee typhon,

The terror of the world; For in you I find relief From this pain of division. I call thee destroyer For all resistance is lost in thee, All I am is given to thee And I receive nothing; Nothing, the joy of dissolution, The loss of separatenessThe wonder of madness, The frenzy of Pan! IO PAN! IO PAN! I embrace all sensation, For it is only the outward form Of my Love of thee. Oh thou beyond all dreamI call thee Naught For my words pale In the face of your perfection! Cover me, Dissolve me, I am thine!


The Offering Pressing onwards dear lady I offer up all I am For just a single kiss… I am open and bleeding; Let it all be offered up In sacrifice and devotion. Through a thousand shimmering veils I have glimpsed youFrom one to the next I have passed; In each a veil. Oh dear lady, How I see you here now Shining so clearly! Bitter tears stain your darkness Let me in, to fall, to descend Into your night! I will fill you with possibility; Yet how to show you what I offer? Arms wide open, Chest gaping, Your presence enwraps this heart, Envelopes me, Calls me to annihilation! Oh bitter sweet end

Draw me in, Lend me wings of emerald, Give me flight into your unknown infinity! Let there be rapturous love songs Unto thee!


Tears of Ascent Weep now the angel said For the beauty of the Lord Is as a heart lost to light; It is a dove that seeks its nest, And not finding it She sings; Your tears are the embrace Of your division; Your broken heart Is your devotion to loveIt will make you new To the wholeness of its healing. Cry now the angel said, For your tears are the flowering Of the bitterness of your heart. Each tear is a dream For the world to see; Each drop an eternity Of devotion. These tears are my love As they flow from my heart. This fire will make me pure


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