By: Jessica A.

LeMin

Copyright © 2006 by Jessica A. LeMin All work contained herein are the direct and original work of the author. No part of this book contains the work of any other person or publication. Printed in the United States of America. This edition is published by Jessica A. LeMin and Cafepress.com. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced, stored in retrieval system, or transmitted in any manner whatsoever, or by any means electronic, mechanical, recording, or otherwise without the prior & direct written permission of the Author. For more information address Jessica A. LeMin, Email: Jay2thaess@yahoo.com
Cover Photos by: Joe Singleton http://www.Joe singleton.com Find Jess online at: http://www.myspace.com/jay2thaess

Dedication:

This book is dedicated to my mother Elizabeth Gentile, my wife Ximena and our two boys John and Anthony. It’s also dedicated to my grandfather George Georgalas. All of the aforementioned encouraged me to be myself and pursue my dreams. It's also dedicated to all of my other friends and family members who have believed in and encouraged me, or helped me throughout the difficult years. I would also like to make a special dedication for all who are supporting this first publication I hope that my words can inspire at least one of you in some way.

About the Author

Jessica LeMin was born in Middletown, NY and raised primarily in Myrtle Beach, SC. She was the only daughter of her two parents. The two divorced while the author was very young. Her father remarried quickly, and Jess was raised by her father and step-mother alongside 3 step-sisters. During her childhood she often felt as if she were a mere outsider to the rest of the family. Spending her formative years in a very disturbing household the author turned to writing as a means to “escape the madness.“ By the age of 14 Jess had moved back and forth between New York and South Carolina several times, and often found comfort in the families travels. By the time she ended her teen years Jess had attended close to a dozen schools, lived in temporary foster care, a youth shelter for teens, and been homeless. During the 5 years or so that she was homeless, Jess carried a back pack full of only spiral notebooks, a copy of Jack Kerouac's On The

Road, and a chess board, which she would often sit down and play with anyone, “as long as the conversation was good!”. Her philosophy was that if she watched others, and studied hard maybe she could learn how to be one of "them". She enjoyed the ideas of others and found their worlds to be quite interesting. Writing poetry was one of the only outlets for the young author who often felt as if she were nothing more than a child who had been dropped off in the middle of Times Square and told to "survive". She formed an intense attachment to other poets whose lives seemed to mirror hers. She found herself idolizing and romanticisizing over friendships with such writers as Charles Bukowski, Jack Kerouac, Jim Morrison, and even Kurt Cobain. Now at the age of twenty-seven Jessica LeMin, has at last completed her first book entitled Gypsy. The author currently lives in Los Angeles, CA along with her domestic partner Ximena; They are raising two boys. Jess plans to continue writing poetry and has even written a reality show about being her experiences being homeless, which is presently in negotiations.

Table of Contents What the World Needs Now Planetarium Days The Bench What the World Needs Now Let’s Get Things Straight Don’t Wait Talk About Irony Freedom Isn’t Free Kendall Lost, Love She So that's what it feels like An Ode to the one I love The Mingling of Lovers A Tribute (of sorts) Staten Island The crime of Innocence Painter Untitled* Bastard Conversations The Apple Stopping A Stalker

Cullen Untitled (Brandy) Fact or Fiction Evoking a Feeling (Dedication to Mieka Pauley) Untitled (Ximena/fight) Tainted Love Fleeting Cloud of Thoughts Soul Mate The curious force of love/Gravity of the Heart The revival of a past Train of thought Yes, I remember Addict Death is the loneliest part of living Stop! Go! Come Inside The Unspoken Love of Lovers Eyes Letters never sent Capturing the Moment Drowning in sorrow Long Distance Lovers Promises, Promises I Always Say Serenity-the Dessert Poem Keep Moving On Home On the Road

Wife, Life, Knife.... Bum Cut Deeper Bussing It Moving (on the train, take 2) 1AM Mud flap Fantasies Without Me Can I Take it With Me? This is How We Make Love Leaving Without Looking Back Dedication To An Old Friend... Insomnia Who's to Blame? The Real Familiarity Of Cartoons For Me Childhood Memories Escaping Family Broken Spirit 1979-1999 Revisited Being Raped By Corporate America My Wife… Revisiting An Old Friend Childhood Fantasy… Job Hunting…. Generations Apart Windows Marriage

Unsatisfied Desires Take Time To Be Kind Life Sentence Forgive Me I can Make you Cum Look What You Did So what if I go? The Living Nightmare Nothingness And The Emptiness Within Cherish The Love Fear of Falling Safe With You All Aboard Where is the Fat Lady? In Your Eyes The One Wanting You Mami Will You? Random Thoughts (On the Metro) Memories Sticks and Stones A Life Unwanted The New Meaning Of Falling In Love, Again I Met Her Inner Child Today A Love Unplanned The Haunting

Meeting the Past Daydreams Apple I Cold Defeat Apple II Immortality of Friendships The Pit Permission to Live Courage Call it consciousness Behind These Eyes 26 years...lonliness Climb Your Own Stares The Perfect Drug Next I Almost Cried Mind Reader Death is Upon Me Passion Declaring My Love She’s Gone The Mystery of a Woman Goodbye Soldier America Wake-up Prisoner Within Influence Panic

Oh Leader? Calling Out Religion

Planetarium Days Sitting here under the starry sky I am reminded of those planetarium days Laying back in the comfort of the reclining chairs While some nice old man pointed out Each constellation Surrounded by all of my friends But alas, that was yesterday When life was good And this, this is today Where there is no warmth or reclining chairs And I’m not surrounded by friends Instead I lie on a slab of cement In the dead of winter Alone In a world That I no longer know A world in which I’ve fallen through the cracks Only to find myself Trapped.

The Bench The loner thinks, Wonders Throws back eerie glances Finds a bench And knows He is home.

What the World Needs Now The world is hungry For a revolution Events are re-emerging from history books And making their way Onto television screens as current events Soon it will inevitably lead to Revolution or death

Let’s Get Things Straight Lets get one thing straight I'm not Straight that is I'm gay as gay as they come Full rainbow flag flying card carrying member of the dyke club. I don't mind seeing straight people make out but I don't want to hear about the rest any more than a straight person wants to hear about how I went down on my girl last night. But one thing is certain it may not be my American right but it is my HUMAN right that I can love whoever I'd like. So unless you want a queer like me running for office of presidency and outlawing your marriage to the redneck on the corner that you've spent the last two years dreaming about then move, follow, or get out of the way this isn't the age of Aquarius and this is not the home of the brave

it's the home of the weak, ignorant, and misconceived and this my friends is the age of the gays. To stand up and fight for what is right.

Don't Wait.... Love is love or is it lust? I can't remember which one of you I should trust Is it the man with the smirk behind the podium Leading thousands into his own personal war? Or is it the preacher who prays With one eye open and one foot in the grave? You know the one who takes your money and Drives away in his Mercedes Benz While you recycle cans and bottles Just to have a meal on your plate. Either way this is getting to be one bad joke When 90% of the country wants to grab them both Around the throat I believe it's time to cast another vote Or should we wait until that right Becomes a mere fairy tale To tell the grandchildren of our children? A great big "I remember when..."

Talk about irony.... Bill Clinton was a funny man Who told jokes and played a saxophone He got a blow job at his desk For that this man ended up on trial. George Bush amuses only himself Plays sick games of war while risking the lives Of thousands of innocents, including “our own” And fucks this country, raping us all while we lie Helpless, Bound by the shackles he's placed upon us all. Yet for this he got re-elected.

What I Have That You Don’t I have two hands a mind and a laptop My words have invaded enough that the thoughts will never stop even if I die tomorrow someone somewhere has been effected enough by me that my world will never drop off of the face of this earth and upon my rebirth i will come just as your curse to continue where I left off unaware that the words I will find in a book on a shelf will be the words of my former self.

Why I Write I write so that in my next life I have a guide to help me survive

Freedom Isn’t Free I was homeless once It lasted for five years or so I slept on benches Rooftops And strange men No one that I knew Thought I cared I spent days without food Donating plasma in between It was a way to eat And bought me a ticket For the acid trip That would allow me to forget That I was a junkie Only after being straight didn’t work I was raped by people who were supposed to help Robbed by friends Abused by family And still I was blamed for my “Situation” No one owned up to putting me out Throwing me away Compassion over took the faces Of those with tied hands My heart broke everyday

As my faith was crushed Today I am depressed I’m no longer on the streets I traded the best thing I ever had (freedom) For a warm bed and something to eat

Kendall I heard her sing today And her voice was beautiful And powerful And it formed hands That picked up my soul Suspending me and my thoughts in mid-air Like one of David Copperfield’s assistants No matter what the words were I felt a sort of strength Yet a giddy kind of weakness Reminding me of childhood birthday parties When you finally get to shake the hand of your favorite superhero It made me want to jump Up and cheer and scream Like I was at a Korn concert But instead I sat And smiled a quiet smile While applauding casually as if at an opera instead It was crazy the way she made me her puppet Pulling any strings she wanted Picked me up delicately like a flower Then dropped me like a ton of bricks Just by opening her mouth.

Lost, Love I want to know what it feels like again To rub my finger tips along Your soft warm flesh As we lie oblivious to the Outside world Wearing only exposed souls So deeply engrossed in the body of love that We shared I want to take more pictures Of your smile that you nervously Tried to hide Eyes wide Glistening With every breath Like two pools I want to dive, swim inside The mind in which you reside To be privileged enough To breath The same air With you Once again

She, Is the being Like a goddess, I want to capture her And dip her in gold For I’d never use anything less Than gold To lock in her beauty. I want to make her my own personal statue And place her on the shelf Of my heart. I want to take her and put her In a large glass container And hold her up for the world to see To show them that she is mine And then I’m gonna run like hell Take her with me Hide her And put her in the cage of my mind.

So That’s What it Feels Like Upon first glimpse I never knew it would be like this When I hear your voice I hear the laughter of our future children To look in your eyes at 23 and feel No, to know, that I want to still look at those same eyes at 90 Kissing you is like having all of the air Gently robbed from my lungs While my soul is lifted far above anything man could know And I wonder if others are this fortunate To know love As I know love To feel love As I have felt it Being apart The seconds seem to last for hours As I long for the emotional trip that I feel When I am in your arms I guess this is what it feels like To really be in love.

An Ode to the one I love In your innocent eyes do I doth see To the deepest depths of your soul that be I can’t imagine my life, without you And could it ever possibly be true? One day, to our love, there will be an end A passing of life, will we ever meet again? Already I mourn the loss of you For when that day comes, I’ll surely be through Like the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet It is you, that my soul, will never forget As you complete My entire being Without you There is no reason for My being

The Mingling of Lovers The first time we touched, I felt the fire Housed within you The fire that I often see in your eyes And felt my soul Dance with yours It was cold outside Yet inside, Inside of you, as we made love It grew warm, and comfortable I closed my eyes Transported from one life to another And now when we kiss I feel as if it were my first kiss And my soul once again dances Dances with yours. The day started soft Until I realized that I was lost Passion mixed fiercely with anger I knew I was in danger The road was too wet Much like my forehead Which was soaked with sweat

A Tribute…(of sorts) I'm in my house, air conditioner blowing on a hot day, The oily smell of ground beef cooking on the electric stove "Glory Glory Hallelujah" bellows from the television over the tick tock of my walls clock The first president I ever really knew of has just died His wife stands dignified just at the the top of the stairs on the arm of a true military man American patriotism riding on the backs of every note sadly dripping from spit valves The Battle Hymn of the Republic broadcast all over the country And I feel that a part of my is sliding around the velvet lining of the casket The innocence of my youth will soon be buried And no matter how challenging, or "non

conformist" I can be, I know that this is a sign of life, pushing on His wife appears almost twenty years older than what felt like yesterday and strangely I feel like I am a part of something bigger than me There's nothing like watching the flag snap in the wind against cloudless skies And before returning to my life I take a minute to realize, that I may actually miss knowing that this man even exists...

Staten Island The smell of wet Pennies nickels and other various forms of change Soak through the soles Of 3 year old Holey shoes The weight of the world Breeds calluses the size Of Poughkeepsie I’m nauseous From the lingering aromas In the New York City Melting pot And it’s the summer heat Sticky; No such thing as central air Only open windows worth of cool That stays with me As I lie in this bed Ashtray in window sill Street lit thoughts Filling pages of ½ empty notebooks The wind gently caressing exposed skin Causing corner mouth curl Snide smiles That remind me, I am home!

The Crime of Innocence Innocence is a crime Used to avoid jail time You must be a rapist Rid the world of another “fag” You’ll get the medal of honor It’s the Olympics of extinction for the human race Everyone’s running But no one knows why. Lost in a nightmare An alternate reality Everything is backwards And nothing makes sense My head is pounding My soul wants out Out of this body This moment This lie That has become My life.

Painter I sit at my desk Like a painter at his easel My brush in hand Lined canvas Ready to go Spirit spills out Onto paper As if this pen were connected to the river of blood pumping straight from my heart music inside of my mind like an orchestra of passion a passion that drives me mad to create something beautiful like the beauty I feel inside The beauty I feel when I look into each of my lovers eyes I am a poet. This is my craft. The gift I carry on my back Like atlas and his boulder But I know in the end At the top of my mountain I will a find a sky

Lined with words Line filled pages become birds Trees made of sentences And this overwhelming feeling Of truth.

Untitled So this is what my life has led me to Reduced me to a pile of bags In the corner, on borrowed carpet In a borrowed room Paid for with sex Work temporary jobs And like a hitchhiker I wander the roads of life Searching for answers. In this moment that I exist A transitional stage before Being picked up by My next life, my next ride And I’ve learned so much From each of my pasts Yet feel I’ve gone nowhere So for now I wait and try To find the lesson I am here to learn

Bastard Open up infected sores Unzip the skin In which I live Expression of self Made fun of and laughed at Old wounds, revisited scars You think you’re hurting me With your uneducated chuckles But I see the ignorance in your eyes And my heart drips with sorrow For your lack of understanding

Conversations A. I have been so afflicted By the way that I am So easily affected Every time I am witness To injustices That it pains me to breath It refuses me sleep And causes me grief This world which resides Outside of me. B. Are you walking through life? Eyes wide shut? Hands stretched out? Mindless and sheltered? Or are you in as much pain As me?

The Apple What begins as green? Streaks and fizzles Into red delicious Scattering galaxies of stars Green and twinkling in all Their dullness And it’s the difference between Golden sunlight Rotating into a dark yet bold Twilight As I spin my frozen appled planet In my hand, suspended only by time Waiting until the moment That I can take a bite And savor This burst of nature All of the way down to the core. Today I’ll bring my lost love An apple As a sign of peace For I am too weak To fight for the heart Of a person who craves release The apple, my own symbol Of independence

Alone, yet determined To stand without my tree Today my love I bring you an apple Because it is time that I set you free.

Stopping a stalker He sits nonchalantly At his computer desk Arm draped lazily over the chair Clicking on their pictures Trying to find new ways To penetrate them Like a stalker Profiling their next victims Each one smiling Not knowing what they’re in for The physical beatings he gave her Mental tearing downs he gave me But he’s smooth And I’ve been forced silent I want to warn them But I’m bound by the emotional restraints That he’s put on me.

CULLEN I stare at the big blue innocent eyes before me Happiness dances on his face As he marches proudly down the beach Blue plastic Frisbee in tow The world has not yet swallowed him up He lies in a pit dug by children who came before him Closes his eyes and lies back Like a king on his throne The world around him is still beautiful Imaginative and new I see the excitement in his eyes As footprints in the sand take on storybook meanings Each grain of salt and peppered beach appreciated The awe of infinite oceans Curiosities creep up curling the sides of his face It saddens me to know that one day You too will grow up In his world Seagulls are beautiful, mystical creatures

Unlike the nuisance like vultures they are to us His hands work like shovels As he bulldozes the castles he just created. But yes, one day he will grow up Only to face the harshness of a bittersweet world I just wish that he could be that one That one who escapes it all And gets to see the rest of life with those Big blue innocent eyes.

Untitled-Dedicated to Mieka Pauley Beyond the hum of the bar Stands a soul. Under the green light Haze, holding nothing But a guitar. Eyes closed, Words flow, Dipped and dripped, With the powerful pain Of knowing life’s beautiful emotions. The voice is raw, honest And speaks of unconditional infinite wisdom Belonging to a timeless soul With a mission A message Of experience and insight Every note sung Or plucked coming from deep Within her universe of understanding A treasure chest provided by this musical missionary.

Fact or Fiction Have you ever been in one of those situations? Where you walk away Only to think about what you should’ve done Could’ve done, or would’ve done If only you would’ve been able to think of this before? When you are reminded of that situation You wish had And after awhile You say that to yourself so many times That you begin to forget what really happened And before you know it What you did turns into what you wanted to do And you can’t seem to remember the difference between fact or fiction

Evoking a feeling (dedicated to Mieka Pauley) She breathlessly kisses the mic Words flowing swiftly from her soul The silhouette in the corner Of the smokey dive Commands the attention of all Who is around her Including the drunk at the end of the bar I feel these invisible lines of my own soul Connected to those words Which so freely fill the air above Its deep and powerful; each word Followed by an army of exclamation marks Driven by emphasis and emotions I feel that this is where it’s at The wisdom The truth The eternalness of youth I take a deep breath and sigh From the sudden release of her musical grip As she exits the stage And I know, for me, life again Will never be the same.

Untitled I wasn’t enough to keep you here I wasn’t enough to make you stay I try to show you what I have inside of me you laugh turn your head to the side, and tell me that you don't want to see any of it just by the way you breathe.

Tainted Love I got what I wanted and now I don’t want it anymore I see right through the drunken stupor that you are a whore You are bruised and tainted like a junkies veins you are bitter and spiteful mean and deceitful yet somewhere underneath it all there stands a little girl a child if you will naked, alone, shivering and scared. I want to love you hold you close but you are like a wounded dog crying in pain yet every time I touch you you try to puncture my veins with hatred and fear you say so much of what I've always wanted to hear Yet your actions speak such hypocritical sentences. Don't sentence yourself to a life

without love just because when I pull you close you'd rather shove Its time to give it all up the hurt you harbor in your heart is not mine was not given by me yet you tax me for all that I am not buying and ask me to trust those beautiful eyes through all of the lies. I'm sick of the lines. when you find what it is you are trying to find find me

Fleeting Cloud of Thoughts I am nothing more than a theorist. A student on the road to life. Walking alone and occasionally catching rides from strangers. Where's everyone going? Where am I going? Where am I at now?

Soul mate I love how excited she gets at all the I have to say. Tell me more. About what I say? About everything. Life, I don't know. I feel like someone. Or no, make that someone else. We exist together in another dimension. We have conversations on a different plain and communicate in thoughts. I don't know if I've ever felt that was possible before. What does it all mean?? I loved the taste of your heart on my hands raining from the heavens from deep within your eyes as you came and went so quickly out of my life.

The curious force of love/Gravity of the heart What is it about this girl that has me so deep? Was it the leap of faith my heart took the moment My eyes dove into the sea of hers as she searched into mine? Or was it when we breathed the same sweat filled air in and out of our lungs into each others, a CPR to the soul? Perhaps, it's because I do believe in the magic of the twinkle that I see glide like a shooting star dancing across the stage of the night sky deep into the hear of her eyes I believe in it the way a child believes in the tooth fairy Yes, what is it about this girl that has pulled me in so deep?

The revival of a past... This is eerie and weird and scares me all the same What I thought was over feels like a facade I've been telling people what they wanted to hear Including the lines of lies I inhale every day as I draw in my mourning breathe. How is it that you still reside so deep inside my soul With all of my thoughts and memories these feelings will hide And I don't know if I'll ever truly recover from the loss of myself in the untimely death of what was us. The love I gave, dipped in the promise of eternity never went astray and here I sit, a year and five months, almost to the day alone in a room

Where we used to lie, and laugh, and plan yet never once did either of us plan for this that one day it would be only in my dreams where you and I would both exist.

Train of Thought I can't think instead I zone venturing into the depths of the unknown forgotten like a stranger who travels alone thoughts dip and swirl spiral and whirl when I return the only thing that remains through hazy fog is the outline of a girl the one who exists only in my mind the one, that I , may never find. My life is intertwined Between illusions and realities Confused by their many similarities Of rarities and unique abilities To suck you in Chew you up And spit you back out Just like the gum on the bottom of a child’s shoe.

Yes, I remember… I remember I was on top Looking into the eyes of The girl I was about to devour She tilted her head to the side Nervous excitement caused The rise and fall of her chest The heat between us Parched my throat As I plunged my tongue Deep inside her oooh-asis And I watched her innocent blue eyes Roll back with the fulfillment Of anticipated pleasure Her back arched now, Just a little more than before Legs spread slightly apart And she opened the flood gates of her soul As I took a deep breath Just a sip if you will, Of her love for me And like a king at a feast I sipped and sipped until I was drunk Yes I remember, What it was like the first time that we made love.

Addict I have a hole in my heart That I like to fill with addictions Medicines to numb Frayed nerves That cause internal bleeding of The soul.

Death is the loneliest part of living… When my life has become So complete that it is time to go I hope I find a distraction Like a fly on the wall To stare at As the grim reaper Rapes my soul And doctors become vulchers Picking over my lifeless body As if they were starving peasants

STOP! GO! Stop! Stop fighting life’s little enjoyments stop using anti-bacterial soap. Bacteria is life, and you are killing it See, the older I get The younger people think I am Because I, unlike you, allow myself to be a child Adults are nothing more than big children who take pills to stop their desires to play Playing is for the careless and irresponsible. Go! Play tag when the street light comes on Turn back the hands of aging with home made mud pies Go, dance under the moonlight And stop dying, start living!

Come Inside I want to fall asleep again in your arms while listening to the drummer behind your heart beat and rhythmic breathing Breathing each others sweaty breaths as the room stood still and we moved both heaven and earth to make them one as we were one and you came inside my world as I breathed the breath once alive inside of you forever making what was once apart of you a part of me.

The Unspoken Love of Lovers There're so many words left unspoken between two lovers who have left nothing unsaid read between the lines of crumpled up sheets lying in heaps on the floor like a trail leading through the bedroom door each one telling a story of passion lust, love, the scent of sweat filling the air irregular breathing fixed gazes as eyes lock and trust is put on the table honestly speaking it’s a tale of honesty raw and primitive in nature yet so complicating simple that there are no words left to describe what it's like to be in love with you.

Eyes I just want to look at you eyes wide fixated on mine rear view mirror could your signals get any clearer? what are these feelings of wanting to draw you nearer? to my soul to have and to hold what mysteries are locked inside of your soul?

Letters never sent: truth be told I could spend forever lost in the 3 ft. deep stairs leading into the ocean of your soul and never grow old Life changes with each breath inside and out before and after the warm air plays frantically with my hair all around for miles and miles porch lights tell tales of its residents awaiting another’s arrival The bulb hums from the center of the insect universe it is the sun in a galaxy of its own Miles of trees stand still, in observance taking in all that has happened. Until the day they will be cut down, only to end up as a page in my notebook

life changes with each breath inside and out before and after there's history in this air in these trees and blowing through the wind

Capturing the Moment I love the immortality of road trips the endlessness of time as you pass life by years away in your mind as the tires paint the pavement with memories of your ghost Every town a story from conversations in gas stations to soundtracks laid out by phantom DJ's with husky voices working graveyard shifts Chain smoking between each set and these are the times you won't forget no matter how far away from this moment that you drift and the bond that is shared by three people breathing the same fresh air, windows down loud sounds hammered on acoustic guitars captured on cd's play in our cars and in this moment the world is ours as we are now in this moment, forever young.

Drowning in Sorrow How many times can one person cry in their life? I've shed so many tears I could drown And everything is just so different now I see them that I used to be like a ghost hovering above The sadness holds me down pain resides inside the lines of a frown Memories flash like headlights on a rainy night the highway yawns and stretches out below My cheeks have absorbed so many memories like sponges each and every time another knife plunges so deeply in my chest and when in the hell will I ever rest? Is this a challenge? or just another test? I have cried so many tears all throughout my twenty six years the salt sears the abrasions of a bruised soul

tattered and torn feeling the scorn of others lashing my back As they lash back at me just because it's easy. I bend over and take the abuse walking on eggshells trying not to give anyone another excuse to hurt my heart with the hurt that has caused them to feel this anger that's consumed them. and I try to breath I want so badly to believe that not all will deceive but they always leave and I am all that I have left feeling robbed after the theft of my sanity that you have taken just for the vanity and you didn't even have the courtesy to leave a note I feel the knots forming in my throat and I know this pain as if it were my lover it is an emotion quite unlike any other What can I do besides run for cover? All I need is to be touched is that really asking too much??

Long Distance Lovers Your eyes light the skies in my mind like fireworks on the 4th of July my heart cries my body sighs every time I think about the distance that lies between and ahead of us like a bridge between two worlds connecting our souls via telephone poles and time slows everything down just for a moment in time we connect and I wonder how good it will be when we see what’s next behind door number one and I think this could be the one as I hold on my nose eyes closed deep into the curious waters

otherwise unknown, I'm no longer alone exhale & you are still there don't ever go anywhere please baby please I beg over and over again in my head from the time you leave until the time I see you again my future lover my current friend whose beauty holds no end You are the reason I greet each day with a smile something I have not done for awhile and I can't wait to be in your arms in your eyes and occupying to mind and I hope you won't mind if every once in a while I call you mine because feelings like this are so hard to find (believe me, I’ve tried)

Promises, Promises Everyday, you make empty promises I've been fed your lies so long Filled with displeasure I am bloated your words, oh so sugar coated cause cavities in my soul fighting it makes me feel old and by the way... when's the last time you saw the Easter bunny? Yeah, it is funny how easily you expect me to swallow that pill just because you promise feelings of ecstasy when truth be told you will not always be next to me to have and to hold and what is this poison you've given me? I'm addicted to your pain Slide the needle deep into my vein close my eyes and breathe my heart is on my sleeve don't tell me you love me just fucking leave

I always say I always say that I want to go go? The word rolls feverishly off of my tongue as I salivate over the idea of leaving No more needing of drugs which cause dry heaving? Because this time I swear to God! This time, really, I'm leaving Shoving my shit in a bag this time I've had all the bullshit I can eat for one life You say I'm running away and giving up but giving up to me would be to stay exactly where you want me to wrists rested on hip my head tipped yes this time I'm leaving

but oh no baby, I'm not retreating just closing and completing another chapter in my book and now that it's over I can't believe that all it took was to take that step 1st the right then the left so tell me, what exactly is it that you have left? have you won? did you have fun? Now it's my turn to be the one who declares? when this little game is done I always say I want to go and look at me yes now I am gone on a journey that promises to be far and long but none the less it is a journey of my own.

Serenity-the Dessert Poem Clouds hover like guardians over deserters mountains casting shadows that translate into symbols and tell stories of the earth Trees climb to peaks that humans have yet to seek The cactus sport sprouts Take on statuesque poses of ancient warriors captured in time Trains carve their way through empty valleys that appears to never end road signs are proof that human existence lurks just on the other side of eternity The oxygen is free here and doesn’t have to come from a tank Life stretches out and yawns like a big cat along lazy roads I may not have a place to reside but I am quite at home inside of this greyhound bus Travel is my love, my passion, and my lust.

Keep Moving On 75 miles from Tucson and the wheels in my head are moving just as fast as the wheels on this bus I've been riding through the dessert since the sun came up I need to walk I'm 2000 miles away from the only home I've ever known and quite happy to be on my own A much needed trip I had to get a grip on the part of me that I let slip through fingertips I want to connect with the earth plug myself in for a recharge but she will quench my thirst my mother earth, for truth and knowledge that’s something never learned in college it's beautiful here all of life's answers appear so clear and though it’s only been a day it feels like a year since I first rode into el Paso

I hate having to leave so quickly though but it's 68 miles to Tucson and I know I must continue to move on

Home On the Road: Mountains cast shadows under illuminated skies lie like beds for stars that leaves streaks as they drop off one by one Like children in the night they twinkle with delight play, play, oh how they play, dance and gleam everything around me has grown still except for the one eyed Mexican with the heavy cough and creeks beneath the metal of the overworked bus the highway below slithers and slides beneath our feet like a map it has become our journey Our lives which we, as travelers, seek to escape It is in the destinations that we hope to find ourselves A nearby city mirrors the serene night sky as if nothing more than a reflective

sea of lights and one breathe at a time the air seeps in through shoddy vents and tell whisper secrets into my ear about just what it is that I’ve found here on the road; it's called "home"

Wife ,Life, Knife.... you say you want to be my wife to give me a whole new life I say stab me already with that knife that you hide behind your back and don't laugh because I am only half as good as you want me to be nothing more than a flea in the circus of madness that you have become the ringleader of and is this lust or is it love? Am I really the one? I have everything to give and you give none Dance around in circles as my feelings dangle from the mantels of my heart cut me free before you even start.

Bum In East LA the homeless lay on blocks of concrete that line the street fighting not only the heat but the voices that control all of their choices crack filled veins ride on metro-like trains Downtown the glamour is gone along with the sun which is nothing more than a shadow on neck bent back so high buildings Fire trucks scream and cops demean the importance of others Where I come from this is considered to be much worse than anything they've ever seen except for the streets of New York yeah they can be mean but the kings and queens of the myrtle beach scene the royalty of those on the redneck Riviera would be scared’ a the air I've breathed and scars that hide under just barely tucked away

under my sleeve but oh no not me, I take the bus, I take the train, I walk, and I thumb just like, every other "bum".

Cut Deeper I just want to cut until something makes sense even if it's 4 quarters for a dollar worth of blood shed for every time I've wished I was dead or wanted to feel the shattering of bone against my head I've trusted everyone who's ever thrusted a cock cocked a gun or knife, against my warm body and this time I thought it would be different than the last with the promise of unconditionally being loved but instead I got shoved face first in the dirt before being walked upon like the pavement being pounded at my feet as I turn and walk away thinking that for once I've finally said, all I needed to say.

Bussing it 7 cities have had my heart every time I leave them my head seems so far reality sits and weeps as I dream of all the tomorrows of yesterday that I've wished away on a train in a city, where I have yet to have a name just a face soon to be replaced by whosoever shall lay in the place, where I stay eyes fixed on his and then on hers as I yearn to figure out the labyrinth of life that continuously unfolds in front of me my stops is next pull the string it's the only thing I am sure of anymore.

Moving (on the train, take 2) Moving, moving everything is always moving the rattle and hiss of the train are noises which are now soothing no more fear of the life I have found Here amongst the stars and famously homeless hanging out in bars, riding in cars its as alien as mars, people sit, on red velvet lined plastic seats tap their feet, to the beats that beat in mp3 players each of us are merely players in this game, each of us wait for our turn at whatsoever shall come later and isn’t it later already? in a world of terrorism and Bush-ism, we wait for whatever cataclysm will be next and it feels as if i've been vexed to feel the fear, that I feel as the train moves on the rattle and hiss the only thing that keep me moving.

1 AM at 1 am down six and main the rattle of old shopping carts rain fill the streets as mom and pop push and pull their hopes and dreams they wear what is probably their Sunday best even though they appear to be a mess hair greasy labeled as sleazy their lives are anything, except for easy asleep during the day on concrete sidewalks they lay hustle and trade it's the American way provide others with what they need just to feed the hunger death nibbling at their feet so hard to get a job when they all think you're going to rob their stores so instead they slam doors and continue to blame you for your situation. what kind of nation have we become

to turn our backs just like that on our neighbor because they harbor the burden of traveling by foot have nothing no one We carelessly shower the rich with free gifts won't reach our hand into our pocket to give a bum a quarter, oh no, no food, no clothing not even a small glass of water the irony lies in making a struggling man's life harder until the whole world is watching then we all become martyr’s and yes ladies and gentlemen this is just for starters see we teach our sons and daughters that people like that are either lazy or crazy but I believe the smoke and mirrors of life has made your vision oh so hazy because when I see a bum, I see ME when I was young. the loneliness of having no one the pain I pretended wasn't there the drugs I turned to when I didn't want to care the eyes that laid and would invade

every orifice crack and crevice in a stare, judging and assuming why I was there No one knew of the years of abuse and those that did called it an excuse well excuse me isn't this supposed to be America? land of the free? Am I the only one with eyes that see how selfishly we treat our brothers & sisters that live on the street you know it pains me to believe how easily we as a society can deceive ourselves into thinking that this will all disappear just by blinking and turning our heads keep on walking past the woman who is talking about the condition of her being head pounding drum like symphonies in her head like a zombie her body is alive but her soul which was crushed so long ago remains dead sleep it away in the comfort of your bed 300 count thread lined sheet front page covers

cover the sores on her feet and i wonder how you'd be if you were she? would you? could you if you had to, make it? could you take it? if you had to live your life on the street?

Mud Flap Fantasies i long for what once was even though it may have only existed in a dream to be kissed by an angel although I was unclean she helped me remember I had a voice and that love could never be a choice we held hands in dark corners of that old strip bar she didn’t mind that I didn’t have a car a home or money she laughed at all of my jokes even when they weren't funny we never had sex but we made love oh how we made love in our minds and in our hearts but she was taken away at the very start of what was to be forever until our reunion my heart remains severed and I could never forget the girl who made me believe in this love that I've not finished experiencing yet

Without Me danger dances around me with every step there's one less breath that I have left until my death and I wonder how it will come heart attack or gun? miserable or fun will I run? will I attempt to flee feeling the panic within me? I don’t want to be just another statistic believe me folks I’m not sadistic but on this special day that I am to die I'd like it to end in a way that is mine if I can plan the way I will leave I'd like an IV of the worlds best hallucinogenic up my sleeve or in my sleep though it gives me great sadness to know that one day this world will exist without me

Can I Take It With Me? I don’t remember much from the past that has passed so long ago each scene, another life old I remember shivering once or twice in the cold when i had no home (not that i really have one now) but its different somehow perhaps because I have grown in experience. it's all been experiments no one to tell me right from wrong taking life, like hits from a bong breath in, hold it Dreaming of a future I’ve already lived inside my mind different every time yet always the same looking back I think what could I have done to make it all better? it's more complicated then remembering to wear a sweater so I'll do it again until I get it right, to the letter doesn’t matter whether I know the end as I somehow seem to know

only the way I do it this time not so blind thanks to the site of hind and even if this life should end today perhaps the knowledge will find a way to follow me into the next So together we can tackle whatever shall lie ahead

Dedication To An Old Friend… I have many times, Since moving ‘cross country Felt lonely Disconnected from the rest of life As I’ve lounged in the back house Of my wife’s mothers place Its entirely too small But somehow it’s managed to become “home”. Yet when night falls so does my mood As my mind cursed by OCD Replays the days gone by Friends I will never see again plague me At the thought of an eternity without those connections And I get sad thinking of all of the would’ve could’ve and should haves Missed opportunities to speak my mind and be free of the restraints that I’ve allowed myself and many others to place on me So I turn to the one friend who’s been there all of this time Ever since I first learned that real poetry Doesn’t have to begin with Roses are red…

Insomnia Insomnia is taking its toll on me… I recently felt a craving Deep within my body That ached and ached as my thoughts Twisted more and more around my mind I swear I could feel various parts of myself Falling asleep with the threat of never again Joining the waking world I am surrounded by 4 walls, a noisy television And two kids screaming for independence I close my eyes trying not to be noticed As if I could make myself disappear Sucked into the mattress in which I lie “Jess” rises over it all It didn’t work “What’s up?” I ask As I robotically rise to my feet

Who’s To Blame? I have pushed down so long Feelings of hatred and a massive urge To vomit tear sized emotions from the Cavities of my mind That I finally feel sick. I’ve come to realize that I hate My father For more reasons than I have to love him That I blame my mother for her disappearance Into the cocaine filled caves and caverns of New York Though I am extremely happy for her reemergence into my life Even if it was 20 years or so over due My sister who is extremely beautiful But was entirely too selfish could’ve saved me too But chose to horde good fortune for herself And for the first time in my life I don’t blame myself For the things that I went through.

The Real Familiarity Of Cartoons For Me Every Saturday morning I wasn’t allowed to watch cartoons I was woken up promptly by 7am Just like every other soldier who resided in my house I was given an emotional beating by the drill sergeants That I called mom and dad And handed a broom, bottle of pledge, and told to clean “This place better be spotless” they swore Or else we would feel their wrath. We’d wait until we heard the tires run slowly over The pebbles in the driveway Before we would relax The radio would go on, A way for us to escape Complete our chores everything from doing the laundry To mowing the yard, cleaning the toilets, making the beds, Washing and drying the dishes, scrubbing the floors, dusting their precious Collectibles that were worth more than us, And if in that time one mistake was made,

no one could leave For the much deserved vacations that slumber parties would bring. By the end of the day the older ones would cook dinner, the younger ones took out the trash and cleaned the nightly dishes, and we would wait Stiffen up as the lights turned into the driveway, another pebble closer to our fate On a good day only one would get into trouble While the other watched knowing that could be us Under that belt behind those tears Each whack hurt as if it were And then we were set free. On a bad day there may be blood pouring out of each one of The four statues that we were supposed to be. Any way you looked at it We were all living out a life sentence for crimes We weren’t old enough to have committed And as I sit here, behind the safety of my laptop with a cracked screen Listening to the bells and whistles of hand held video games Drowned out slightly by the bells and whistles of Cartoons, 3000 miles and 15 years away

From the life that used to be mine, I’m glad that I have broken the cycle And I will never be a parent or step parent In the way mine were, because I’m not cold And I love being loved entirely too much.

Childhood Memories… I remember one time That HE tried to choke me A bungee cord wrapped tightly around my throat Another time HE drug me a good 200 feet Behind a car Or the time that HE shocked me with an electric fence And laughed The times he would command me to pull down my pants So that he could hurt me worse when he struck me with his leather belt The times that he would introduce me to people as the mentally retarded one Because I didn’t want to speak to anyone Or even better the time that HE (228lbs. And 44 years or so old) Punched ME (135lbs and 13 years old) in the nose I lost control and wet my pants The next day I had a bruised face to remind me Of why kids should not exist And HE had another reason to make up lies about how I had managed to walk into HIS fist.

Escaping Family My step mom was a fiery redhead That I initially thought was beautiful And turned out to be abusive and self absorbed My biological mother was once better in my mind. She disappeared when I was a kid My father tried to convince me she was dead My sister was someone I envied She was a princess to all around her And lived with my grandparents as if royalty were in her blood I on the other hand lived with them; My father and step mother Who never wanted kids Only used us as if we were pieces of property Like slaves that they could buy, sell, and abandon. We made them look good Or at least we were supposed to They were our puppeteers dangling from their strings. I guess they never counted On my finding scissors And getting the hell out of there Before they could hurt me anymore (As if 14 years weren’t enough.)

Broken Spirit No, I never had to eat dog food No, I never had to go without clothes When I lived at home But I never felt for even one moment (A moment being the time that spans Between each blink of an eye) That I was wanted That I had a reason to exist other than to act As a sponge so that I might absorb All of the hurt and pain that would be poured Over the wounds that magically appeared on my Already broken body

1979-1999 Revisited I listen to a lot of music That brings me back To times of riding around aimlessly In the back seats of friends cars as a kid, and a teenager Going no place in particular Without the restraints of bills Or the need for money Other than the $1.96 I needed for a pack of Marlboro Reds And a Mountain Dew That usually held me over until bed time And people laugh because I’ve memorized every Note of every word to every one of these Cheesy songs, and because of how ridiculously Happy each of these songs makes me But what they don’t realize is that It was the only time I wasn’t Thinking about how badly I wanted To be kidnapped or killed either.

Being Raped By Corporate America The last time I applied for job I felt completely violated As if the company that I had targeted Had bent me over their bar of standards and expectations And raped me violently Cumming all over the heat of my ass cheeks And leaving with a smile When I was done with the application I came home feeling defeated Took a long shower And retreated into a dazed sleep As I tried to recover What gives these fuckers the right To ask about my childhood? Was I a bad kid? (Depends on who you ask) Do I have a good family? (Now or then?) Am I generally happy? Do I suffer from any mental problems? (Don’t I live in the Prozac nation?)

Would I tell on or confront someone who was stealing from the company? (I’d mind my own fucking business and try not to know if someone was stealing) The questions had absolutely nothing to do with my ability to scan items and make change Being a writer is a great excuse not to have to deal with That bullshit on a regular basis Because when people ask, what do you do? Why aren’t you working? How do you live? You can reply with “I’m a writer, I’m working on a book” Even though what you’re really saying is “The world freaks me out entirely too much, and I have to hide behind sheets of paper, and sheets of acid” There’s always that air though of prestige Just incase you make it So that when you do They can all say they knew you And supported you At one time or another

My Wife… I never thought I would really find someone who could Accept me for who I am For the shit I endured when I was supposed to be a kid Someone who would mother a 26 year old child The way I should’ve been mothered at 4 Someone who would openly call me on all of my bullshit No matter how hard I tried to get one over on her But maybe that’s why I so comfortably and eagerly Wanted to marry her And why I have no doubts that we will last forever.

Revisiting An Old Friend Reading Charles Bukowski makes me Realize that I’m not being as honest with myself as I want to be That I’m leaving parts of myself everywhere I go Every time I get out of the car Every time that I get off the bus And every time one of his books makes its way into my life It makes me smile as if I’ve been healed the way You feel healed when you visit a best friend That you lost touch with so many years ago

Childhood Fantasy… I used to believe That sooner or later I would be rescued From whatever type of terrible events Were taking place in my life At any given time I’d retreat into nothing more than the air bubble Inside of a thought moving through out my body And try to escape out through the nostrils While riding on the back Of a single breath Hover above my body And Wait Waiting Hoping and waiting some more, For anyone to discover my body Have sympathy for me, Ache for me, hold me And nurse me; heal me from all that ailed….

Job Hunting…. Being poor is hard work It’s completely draining on the soul And on the soles of your feet Walking for miles Whether pacing back and forth across the floor Trying to figure out how to manipulate the men who Hound you via telephone, and email, even the postal service Constantly filling your mailbox with more weights as if your shoulders Weren’t held down enough. Or walking all across town trying to put in application after application Begging for someone to pick you To sweep their floors or clean their toilets with your 154 IQ Its like selling yourself on the corner And by the time you get home you have to shower Because of just how many eyes imagined themselves all over your breasts And in between your legs all for the low price of $5.50 an hour.

Generations Apart Rappers of today Talk about the same subjects that the “beats” of yesterday did. They just say it with music behind them Using their words to get attention and “bling” Unlike Bukowski and Kerouac Who lived it on the sides of roads, dirty hotel rooms, and strangers backseats Then wrote about it on 300lb typewriters Not for attention but for release from the intensity that their Thoughts and feelings plagued them with.

Take Time To Be Kind I look out through the Scratched up windows Made only of plexi-glass and what appears to be A 20 year old tint job The engine of the rickety old bus Hums like a congested old man The sky outside is mostly grey Except for a few places left exposed for Sunshine and brief glimmers of hope The streets below are far from being Paved with gold There’s nothing more than litter That lines these roads Human trash, Thrown away Long since forgotten about Huddle in piles on every corner Their belongings surround them Their beds made of stone Yet to them this is home Rock stars drive nearby, In fancy cars, on their way to their five million dollar houses Get fat on hundred thousand dollar couches.

How much richer will the rich get And how much sicker Will the poor get Before we, as a generation, As a society, As a nation, Become tired of the Paris Hilton’s of the world being admired For their lack of skill Lack of class, and amazing ability to show their ass? If anyone should be revered, It’s the man on the train who’s lived on the corner Of Hollywood and highland for 15 years, who sheds no tears And smiles just because he hears a familiar voice outside of the ones That reside inside of his mind Take the time to be kind Give the 20 year old girl Who needs a shower, a blanket, and a mother, Your last dime Because if it were you in her shoes, you’d hers, the way she wants mine.

Life Sentence Perhaps my life is nothing more Than a life sentence A way for me to offer penance For some kind of karmic debt To live life as an observer; some kind of test Looking through everyone else’s window The feeling of detachment is one I can’t let go I see what I seem to be unable to feel; love And I wonder if when I die I can peel Away this painful skin that I’m living in Or if it will follow me through out the next life It’s so hard to be on the outside To be so invisible, yet to be So Alive.

Forgive Me… I can’t explain The distance that remains Between my heart and yours I know that I don’t want to breath Without you Not even one single breath But then again I feel the fear of being left At the alter On the alter, To feel the sacrifice of my soul So for that reason alone I believe it’s time to go Without a word, I will sneak out into the night My back pack intact, I will keep walking Until I feel the warmth of the sun’s light.

I Can Make You Cum My love is better than chocolate My sex is your drug I can drive you crazy with a simple flick of my tongue Look into the depths of my eyes And I will have you hypnotized As I lie My head between the flesh of your thighs Taking my time as I familiarize Myself with every inch of your body The pulse between my legs Urges and begs Me to be naughty And take at least a little sip As I feel you drip From lip to lip (mine to yours) I tug oh so gently on your hip We don’t have to be quick I want to taste you every time I lick The warm secretions of you are thick Slide down my throat And for that I will gloat Because I know I can make you cum

Look What You Did For so many years I’ve felt the void of not having you here Tried to scream But there was no one to hear Why’d you have to leave me There with him? The one who hurt you I would never desert you And why is it that I deserve to Walk around Chasing your ghost each and every day I feel the pain of having been thrown away And it is something that just won’t go away I need my mother at 26 the way I did when I was just a kid Damn, look what you did!

So What If I Go? As I lie awake in our bed I find that I am existing only in my head And I wonder how it will be If I leave Taken away by life or some kind of disease Will you even miss me? How will you lay As you sleep? Your arms around me no more Our legs not intertwined as they were before Will you dream of my return? Or is there someone else for whom your heart truly burns? Will you feel as though our love was untrue? Will you wonder if there is something else you can do? Will you ever feel as if we are through? As I close my eyes, deep in thought I wonder if you are right and if everything really is my fault And if there is anything to make this all That we’ve wanted or if it really is just time to go?

The Living Nightmare… Once upon a time in a land far, far, away, I was a child Of innocence, untainted, but as I’ve said, that was Once upon a time Now I’m an adult Constantly haunted by painful memories From a tortured past Every day, the voices remind me of all that I’ve seen And all that I’ve heard, I climb dark staircases full of cobwebs and shadows With only a single flame of the smallest match to light my way Yet I keep moving, pushing my way through the obstacles Of every day life, the snakes Slither between my legs, Hands, Creepy, old, decrepit with arthritis reach up between rickety old boards Continuously trying to pull me down yet I move on Rushing as I feel the pressure of this abyss like darkness move closer behind me

All the while I wonder when will this nightmare be over? When can I be the one to wake up In the safety of my bed Listening to the comfort of my mothers rhythmic breathing As I lie my head gently against her chest? Will it ever come to and end or is this The sentence that I’ve been handed for committing this heinous crime of being born?

Nothingness And The Emptiness Within I speak No one listens It’s as if I am mute And only speaking silently within my head I walk alone with only my shadow to keep me company Drowned by a thousand voices in a sea of a thousand strange faces All penetrating my soul I know that although I’m surrounded I am alone Nothing will ever bring me back To the world I retreated from So long ago And for that reason I will never have a home or Anything that I can ever call my own.

Cherish The Love So many times I want To open up I want to Get attached But I feel the fear Of hurt from the yester year And how much I couldn’t handle The extinguishing of the candle’s flame That burned so deep in my heart The longing I already feel Each moment that we’re apart I want so bad to believe in forever But until then I will cherish every second that we are together Because I do so love you.

Fear Of Falling Fear of falling, Fear of heights I’ll stand on the edge of forever As long as we’re together Don’t leave me Standing alone With only my shadow in the middle of the night And I’ll give you the rest Of my life With your arms around me, a shield, From all of the hurt, Of all of the years Love like ours doesn’t just burn it seers And I love the way you love me I love the way we are So don’t ever give up, because I’ve already fallen Entirely too far.

Safe With You Long ago I lived a life Where everything hurt Even to breath A wounded animal I was left out in the cold And so I’ve been told, I should have died Many, many times I carry my baggage on my back, upon my shoulders Each day feeling yet another year older I’ve built this wall of hardened skin Calloused by life Wondering when I should pull the knife Across my flesh And at the same time Trying hard not to let them win And for the first time I feel as if I can let the child inside run wild Scream or cry, play and learn, all in your look of concern The embrace we share, which finally Allows me to feel Safe.

All Aboard My eyes dance Around the crowded train Stealing for just one second A moment of their lives Shared glances, some of which are stares At me, away from them (the others) out of the window, Eyes fixated on the floor Face read Mind revisiting a time and a place Already passed, As I wonder How much longer it will last Our brief existence together The hiss of the brakes & chime of the bell Return me all too suddenly to the present A world forever changing Once familiar strangers exit, New ones enter And the pull on the car against the tracks rushing below Tell me that once again It’s time to go.

Where Is The Fat Lady? Maniacal laughter Echoes from my brain Life’s been sabotaged once again. I’ve become more of my enemy and less of my friend Decisions of my past Continue to haunt Dance around and taunt But there is no escape No hero In a cape. This is my hell 365 rounds a year and still no bell The towel was thrown So long ago Yet the ref seems not to know And will it never end? Until my mind is blown across the earth that has become my boxing ring So tell me where is the fat lady to sing The sounds of my revelry.

In Your Eyes I look into your eyes The promise of tomorrow Reflects in the light And I wonder if this is the beginning of the rest of my life What we have yet to do I’ve already done In my mind With you as if you were the one I look into your eyes I see the pain inside The pain you try to hide Try to deny And I wonder if this is the beginning of the rest of your life

When you look into my eyes I try to hide Because of the questions that take over my mind Am I the one? Made for you? Or is this love with you Going to end up being temporary too?

The One… Will you be the one To say I love you forever To want to look into my eyes and see the secrets of my soul To figure out that I am never going to grow old Nothing more than a kid; Without a mom, without a dad, Just the painful memories of the life that I’ve had Wanting nothing more than the love of another Shelter and cover When it rains and pours Thunder pounding in my ears I’m tired of all the tears Tired of being afraid of all of these fears Can you truly promise that you’ll be here for the rest of my years? I need to know That you will never go I need to trust, forget about lust To live and to love As much as it has hurt before, I just want to feel As if for one moment my life were real. Will you be the one As much as I have tried to be the one?

Mami Lying on the bed Your breasts next to my head I look up Into your eyes I want so bad to be the blue of your skies The sun when you are under a black cloud The air that rushes in and out of your chest I feel the warmth of your skin I breath you in, So completely enthralled by all that you are I want to be the one To make you smile To make you want to get out of bed To dance around all of the other thoughts in your head Perhaps one day that will be the way Our lives will intertwine Your heart wrapped around mine Until the end of time.

Will You? When I sneeze who will be the one to say God Bless you? When I cry who will be the one to put my head on their shoulder? When I’m sick who will be the one to nurse me back to health? When I feel like dying, who will give me a reason to live? Will it be you? The one I have chosen to be my love. My mate? My partner brought about by fate? I want to do something special, be loved by someone, Feel as if for one moment that I am great. When I am broken will you fix me? If I were on the shelf in the store would you buy me once more? Or would you keep going back to where you came from? If you had the chance to do it all again would you hit send On the email that you sent the day that we met? Or would you turn around and try to forget?

Am I really the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or am I just a fix like a drug to a junkie? Am I delusional or do you really love me?

Random Thoughts (On the Metro) Why is this guy looking at me? That guy looks funny with his arm bent like that Please, Please, Please don’t sit next to me I wonder if that guy that just got off was homeless? It’s so quiet; is everyone tired or bored? My head hurts Don’t look at me I think that guy’s playing Tetris; I could so kick his ass. Ugh. 9 stops left Seriously Don’t look at me It sounds like someone’s playing air hockey in the tunnel of this train I can’t wait to go to sleep I should’ve eaten at work Anyone on this train could be a murderer, a terrorist, or a cop; maybe it’s her? It always smells like a dirty ER in here Ok, STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME! 4 stops left! I’m getting nauseous What did I eat today? I wonder where that crazy old guy with the guitar is? We’re all going somewhere, where are they going? Fuck it, I’m not going to work tomorrow.

Memories With each passage, there lies the birth of a ghost Hiding in the memories of my mind Each person so perfectly existing happily living breathing the air No matter what the setting, I see them smiling my grandfather walks through the house on his way to work I see a line; his shadow red polyester vest over white button down neatly pressed. His black polyester pants perfectly creased and hanging off his knee and extending just above the ankle. Orthopedic shoes for hard working men worn enough to now be molded to his foot The sound of change with each footstep plays like the march of a soldier The smell of brute the army following behind. I imagine his hair the balding middle and precise comb over, such a flawless routine A smile on his face at the feeling of accomplishment. He was beautiful and strong most importantly ageless I never once thought he would die,

And somehow even after 7years he has not yet. I feel him too strongly for anyone to tell me he really is gone. I see him everyday when I too visit the recesses of my mind.

Sticks and Stones I don’t know how to feel Somewhere along the road of trying not to become a robot I became numb Numb to the insensitive words of others Though yours penetrate me Like ice picks being plunged into My brain and I just want To drain myself of all the hurt And all the pain That I’ve faced throughout the years I wish there was a cure For the disease That seems to be inside of me A shower to wash away all of the dirt That appears to appear when you peer Into my eyes And if you don’t want to touch me I will cry as I feel the life in my heart Begin to die For once I want to be one of you And not one of “them” or “those people” I want to be an equal But I won’t because I don’t fit the mold

Of what you’ve wanted Instead I am plagued and haunted By the judgments of others Even though I am nothing more than a scared Child, hiding, underneath the covers You say you love me So why can’t we be lovers? Why treat me like you are one of the others? With all of the bruises of my soul I ache for some one to hold me And mean it when they say They will never go away I guess life doesn’t have it planned out that way Because you don’t want to touch me I have a disease that’s now caused me Such dis-ease I’m covered with the slime of sleaze And yet you wonder why I want(ed) to leave You will never believe That the spirit that was once inside Was not the spirit of me It was a being Which now likes to hide The real me barely a child I try and I try To make my life into something other

Than the shit it is That I am yours & not his Or hers, or theirs, But instead you climb the stairs in fear of whatever it is That you see Instead of the being of me Leaving me just as they all did ALONE When I was young, I looked forward to being grown No one to cause me hurt or pain Yet here I stand, crying, feeling insane And there you sit Already over it And I wonder what would happen if I were gone? Would you ever realize that you were wrong? That I am innocent and sweet, in need of love A rose, Or a hug. I’m addicted to your love, et already you’ve quit me As if I were a drug.

A Life Unwanted Do you know what it means to sleep And never get any rest? To walk this earth alone To never feel at home Like your life is always on loan To have never been wanted Instead thrown away Told to die or just go away Then to be held, and told not to be afraid By people who would then proceed to rape me Take what they could Do what they would Trust me, my heart’s not made of wood I feel every look, every stare And it used to be easy to pretend that I didn’t care My spiral notebook’s the only time I would bare The feelings nestled inside my shell Other times I wouldn’t dare I’ve been used and abused and believe me I’m NOT amused My temper’s already very short fused So when I say I want to be with you I’m not the one who’s confused But you are the only one I’ve trusted With the keys to the fragile organ

Known only as my heart So please don’t judge my life by its start Instead be my wife, and help me have a better end Or at the very least, Be my friend.

The New Meaning Of Falling In Love, Again Through the shadows on your face I see the smile of a ghost From years past. I want so bad to know that girl The one inside of you That lies behind the light in your eyes So neatly tucked away The girl that giggles every time My kisses tickle your neck I want to know the parts of you that I have yet to meet And I want to let you get to know me The way that I want to know you Because the kid inside of me has fallen in love With the kid inside of you.

I Met Her Inner Child Today I met her inner child today And she was beautiful in every way. Her eyes were wide Like the smile she smiled It stretched for miles I met her inner child today And it made me want to run away So shy I had to hide my face But instead I stayed and we began to play I met her inner child today And she showed me how to smile again I sat and watched, Amazed by her grace That in the last five months As many times as I had looked, I had never really seen.. But with the kiss of the night, The falling light Gently held her face As all of my fears and insecurities began to fade I met her inner child today And believe me when I tell you, It was great.

A Love Unplanned Inhale with the deepest breath And plunge head first Into my mind I want to show you a love that is kind Beautiful and yours I have a place That exists inside of my soul A universe all of my own So much for you to explore So much to be discovered So much I’ve saved for you, my lover So come inside my mind Take off your jacket, stay awhile I’ve traveled many miles I want so bad to feel your smile The warmth it brings The songs my head sings Join me on this journey Give me your hand As we plunge head first into this love, unplanned.

Meeting the Past Ghosts from another life show their faces at the most unexpected time Its almost as if they can read my mind remind me of stories and days left far behind Each person has dug a hole as deep into my flesh as my spine and I wish I could have them all all of the time

Daydreams What happened to the summers spent, dreaming of what was to come reminiscing of what had went Walking miles up and down mountains just to spend time with one another in a time when we had no other only our youths and endless dreams of possibilities

Apple I The bold round apple Offers intense wholesomeness I need to be healed

Cold Defeat The wind snaps and cracks Crack’ling with bitter laughter Fore I know, I’m beat

Apple II Estranged from the tree An apple falls from a branch Alone, beautiful

Immortality of Friendships I see a face in the cloud and it reminds me of how far I've come from being a bum yet being in love with no one in particular; life itself and it makes me wonder what happened to the happiness that accompanied my innocence dancing in the sky as friends gone by and I lie on our backs against the cold earth creating our own smoke filled visions of what will be with the warmth of our breath the only light showing is the red embers still glowing of the cigarette or joint we've just thrown the things we worried about seem so far gone, and I wonder how in the hell its been so long since we've seen each other

the face in the cloud has moved on and so must I until the chance that life gives us one more opportunity to dance with one another the way we danced when we were young

The Pit Lets play pretend meet me under the shade tree buried deep in the pit where we used to meet I’ll bring the vodka you bring the weed we'll talk about all the things we meant to say during all the years we were away we'll continue to dream about all that’s yet to be just meet me under the shade tree where we can pretend we're still seventeen.

Permission to Live I never needed anyone else's permission to live i just did I never needed anyone's approval to exist I just did even when I wanted to no more I sucked it up, found a spot on the floor laid my head to rest and did my best to fall asleep never managing to make it deep enough to not wake up rise with the sun pretend each day is the first one 27 years later, and I'm still here 27 years and it's all the same Wake with the sun get up and try each day just for the hell of it just for fun.

Courage Gone is the courage of generations before to do something great in life to create a world that’s more than what it seems to dig a little deeper at the scenes and find out what it all means I’m tired of being labeled for not allowing preconceived notions of what I should be it's time to change the way our time is spent to stop worshiping men worth a mere fifty cents and use our minds or whatever may be left to explore lives and worlds not found yet be the first, be the last, be the something, be the someone, other than a face in the crowd start being courageous find a voice stop being indecisive, make a choice hear the call to march to the beat of a different drummer remember age is nothing more than a number

Call it consciousness I have at many times lived a life on the outside of the rest of the world like a window shopper with no money staring through un-penetrate able plexi-glass cold and alone No where left to go standing in the snow wondering how I got there here, wherever I was and wondering why I wasn’t one of them in the warmth by the fire never ending dish of whatever it is that I wish being waited on as if I were somebody worth being waited on the site of food always put me in a bad mood because I always knew the sign by the door the one in plain view was for me not for you

Behind These Eyes Behind these eyes there lies a plethora of lies absorbed by this mind and somewhere along the line i tried to find a truth to call mine A combination of stories heard lessons learned all the while wondering when it'd be my turn to feel satisfied by all i have instead of feeling the burn of yearning for what I still need and so it would seem that I'm always the example of the exceptions to all of the rules fore my good deeds are rarely even noticed much less returned

26 years...Lonliness I spent twenty six years disappointing people who didn’t care to begin with twenty six years with no mother besides Carol Brady and the other television moms who raised me my father was a myth a lie that I told my friends while the beaten child inside looked around corners of my mind he was a non alcoholic type with alcoholic behaviors, every night I would pray for a savior to save me from the nightmares I lived longing to be loved clinging to anyone who showed a kind, kind of smile forgetting to check their pulse for a beating heart causing mine to bleed even more tears escaped the prison like walls that I built so long ago making my vision red day after day longing to be dead i had my first drug before I had my first real hug

one that was heart felt and made my soul melt into a puddle on the bed it could be said the my love rained out into a wet spot my family threw me out long ago with the wrapping paper from our only good Christmas the rest of my life was spent like this: Trying to get by, holding onto anyone, or anything that made me high. Twenty six years later I still can't shake this longing to die and believe me its not that I don't try, but the hurt that hurts, wraps its fingers around my throat and chokes. Every time I want to cry every time I find that I've disappointed another mind let down another body But nothing beats the disappointment that I feel I open my eyes and realize I still have no body.

Climb Your Own Stares: People stare oh how people stare but really. Do people care? To hear my story and all that came before me getting on this train no, no, because i am strange I see the world through eyes of a soul that is old older than my body cocky bitches sport shirts that read “hottie” wonder why they're attracted to my boyish charm the older people ask, why I have a naked woman on my arm, I smirk, and I smile fore i too will stare I'm not afraid of their judging eyes their minds already formulating lies about what it is that I do but believe me when this encounter's through you'll be thinking about me longer than I'll be thinking about you.

The Perfect Drug I'm a paranoid schizophrenic little freak who lives in her own little world while pretending to live in yours and I'm aware enough to know it wasn’t the magic mushrooms or notebooks of acid but the abuse of others that’s lasted for so long in my mind and if I could find another kind of drug to make me forget all of the times that I got hit or told that no one would ever want to hold me not only would I take it I'd bathe in it. The age of paranoia lives and breaths new life into every one of our minds some of us go mad others don't seem to mind but when it comes to mine its like traveling through a desertous cave full of mines yet every once in awhile a splash of happy appears to have been painted

by the child who continues to exist deep inside clouds and ducks clowns and mimes maybe it's the random traces of acid that still allow me to have a good time whatever it is there is no reason and there is no rhyme to the map displaying the path for my journey written by a dyslexic God that keeps me guessing about what is next and all be it odd as hard as it has been so far i can sit in any bar and memorize the patrons within with the story I'm living because even when I want to die i still find a reason why i should get up and try just one more day because I never know when the pain may actually go.

Next These are the thoughts I have yet to have thought before No idea what's coming next No idea what's got me so perplexed my being has been hexed my future wife, suddenly my ex seriously man, what the hell is next?

I Almost Cried I almost cried this night this night contained forever in a forest of darkness, I almost cried when she told me she had to go I felt as if a part of me just died. I feel the love of this woman so deep into my heart that the second our voices connect I feel as if we are right next to one another A woman so beautiful that the very idea of her eyes in my mind can only be compared to the diamond like stars in the skies gazing at reflections of themselves in the mirror of an ocean on a full moon. yep, I almost cried tonight when she, who I felt the world as beautiful as for just a brief moment in time told me she had to go, and it was because of him.

Mind Reader My first experience with ESP Was sitting on the floor Tear streaked cheeks Listening to the usual family fight Nothing below 70 decibels My closet door wide open Everything I owned Lay strewn about in front of me The result of the red headed beasts rampage Like a scene from Mommy Dearest My clothes had not been hung perfectly My shoes had not been placed neatly in rows As was expected Toys and games a reminder to them that I was a child Were supposed to stay hidden just like me Now suddenly lie at my feet And on this perfectly beautiful weekend My sentence for committing the crime of being seen Was to mean I had to perfect my imperfections all over again Though no matter how it was done With their rotating door of expectations It would never be done right.

I remember being almost done When the beast returned only to yell And make me do it all over My first encounter with ESP was as she left I called her a bitch Only in my mind Only to have her turn around and yell “You can think I’m a bitch all you want to” After that I did what I could to master my own ESP And meet their expectations Before they could yell them at me

Death is upon me death death i hear it knock on my door it is here it is there it is all around I see it in the over powering darkness sneaking up on a sunset like a roaring ocean angry and fierce Death Death the sound of the footsteps pound in my ears there will be more with each rising year Every time it strikes I fear it more and know that its just a matter of time before mine is here.

Passion I yearn for one more shot To be in the presence of The most amazing girl I’ve ever known To feel the softness of her arm lying on mine as we walk the icy streets in a tropical paradise glaze the nervousness as my arm tingles with excitement to be mingling with yours my eyes fixated on every word and glimmer in yours with each second I melt my soul is no longer a spark but a raging inferno with questions and passions to absorb every drop of you and outside of you there is nothing because without you I am lost, and I wish I could Trade in all of my Polaroids To feel each moment with you Over and over again.

Declaration of My Love I have always loved you Since the moment Our eyes met In this life And every life We’ve shared before

She’s Gone Every night as I fall asleep My minds eye meets yours And we lie side by side Yet you never talk You never move You’re right there in front of me With the most beautiful smile And widest eyes But I can’t reach you. Come back to my weakened heart So I can replace this photo On the nightstand With hugs and kisses Never letting go of this love again.

The Mystery of a Woman The mystery lies behind Her eyes She smiles mischievously As if the angels have whispered All of life’s secrets And she has what you want Even if you don’t know what “it” is

Goodbye Soldier Everywhere around me phones are ringing Uncle Sam and big brother are on the line singing the chorus' to troops to come and "join us" stand up for your country with a big salute in your nicely pressed camouflage suit Not just for you but for me and our families friends and strangers no time for anger so many lives are in danger the boat will be pullin' up its anchor and its all aboard sailor lock up your trailer 3 months till whenever before I'll see you again so take good care big brother, of my friend Because she answered your call to fight the fight for us all

America wake up! Stop hitting the snooze button it's time to get to work and my what work we have ahead of us The man in charge thinks we're all nieve puts on his rubbery mask and does the same little dance as the wind up monkey run by the homeless programmer he put out of work And every day the campain bells sound the lines of old women eating cat food (baked not fried) just to stay alive Support your country they say Support your president! It's the American way! But where was this man when America needed him? Rushed off at avoidance speed by CIA in fancy cars that the woman waiting on the corner for the bus helped pay for Fueled with $2.25 premium gas (only the best for OUR Prez) and no one asks

what's wrong with this picture? Do you fear meeting the proverbial axe held by heir Bush? Wake up America, this is war! and doing nothing can only lead to more... (drama, pain, suffering, damage, disaster)

Prisoner Within Each day becomes a quest a search for a way out digging helplessly through the pages of an abundant phone book of contacts email addresses, last names memories of people that I've encountered that could potentially be the one to help me out of this trap that I've once again found myself inside of locked away, inside of the perfect house with the perfectly landscaped lawn and American Flag hanging front and center like a soldier declaring the happiness of the humans inside the four walls painted bright colors of normalcy upon first inspection the home appears in perfect organized cleanliness. Surely a sign of greatness. The show that is put on mirrors that of leave it to beaver or the Brady bunch. The actors are all just that; Actors. it is all fake, props

the sociopathic farce of smiles and laughter put on just for the visitors that i so cling to hoping just one will notice the sticker like smile on my face losing its stick or the darkness of circles years of embedded torment buried under hollow eyes from my hollowed soul the emptiness I feel so longing to be filled with the love of another yet time and time again they come, to see the perfect house up for sale, or the perfect man who appears to be the perfect male and the side show freak of a daughter that he has created for them to laugh at and be bewildered by No one sees the child inside who still shudders at the sound of the front door closing behind his return from work symbolizing the return to captivity that I must live through every day

Influence The most influential people in society are there because: 1)They lie to you 2)And you believe it.

PANIC Nervous Bouncing volts of electricity Charging! Full speed ahead Randomly, through my veins Somebody help Pull me out Quicksand of stares I feel it burning through Everyone’s watching All eyes on me Pounding Sweating Nervousness I have to go Surrounded Suppressed Clamped I can’t breath! SURROUNDED I can’t hear I can’t see Cloudy vision Don’t look at me!

Like a multi-ball round of pinball STOP! The madness It’s like being shown Too many pictures at one time Hearing too many radio stations simultaneously And then the real panic Creeps And leaps Upon me Wrapping its hands tightly like a noose Around my neck Choking me The army in my heart begins to attack And even though all I want Is to GO My body remains frozen Paralyzed Unable to move.

Oh leader? All the good icons are Dead There’s no one alive Good enough to worship Get excited over, or even pin up on the wall Of my smoke stained walls There’s no real culture to follow Everyone’s bored Or lost Or lost and bored There’s no one to tell us What to do Or how to be So we all run around In fits of pandemonium Like herds Of cattle Suffering from severe mad cow

Calling out religion If reading the Bible Causes so much hate Then why should any one do it? I know who God is. And what it really means to believe But the words As written by man Have lost their meanings And we’re instructed by misguided souls That god is all of the things he’s Really not In the bible, or in the 3rd row of the congregation We’re told that Satan disguises himself As goodness In the name of God But for some reason I appear to be the only one who remains skeptical Are we in such a society that we are so afraid Of death Meeting the real God that we Deny ourselves the right to question by throwing away our freedom of expression To stand up Against anyone holding a bible Even though they are screaming out symbolic

obscenities At our children’s funerals? Should we not challenge our aggressors Or have we really become too fat and lazy; Too self absorbed to even think for ourselves As opposed to having ourselves thought for?

THE END

Acknowledgements I would also like to thank the following people in no particular order: Lou Layton Dr. Sylvia Baer Deborah Pace Margaret Campalonga Mandana Ighani Debbie Boss The Miller Family The Family of Haydee & Agustin Rosado Alicia Anthony & Family The Scali Family Diana Sullivan Hope Norman-Holt and family George Georgalas (Rest in Peace) Dennis, Sean, Melissa, and Jennifer McHugh Caroline Aufdemorte Joe Singleton Dr. Joe Manganello Richard LeMin Elizabeth Gentile The Surrano Family Jennifer Rogers Rachel and E.C. Hood Cassandra Furco and Greg Edwards Schuyler Byrne … And anyone else who’s dared me to dream or challenged me in anyway.

Order Form For on-line orders, please visit: www.cyberpimpwear.com or http://www.eastcoastpoet.com You may also email your contact information to: Jay2thaess@yahoo.com place “order” in the subject line Or via postal mail: Jessica LeMin, 5953 South Side Drive, Los Angeles, CA 90022. Include a check or money order for the amount of $16.95 plus $3.95 for shipping and handling for each book ordered.

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