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A BOXED-IN LOVE 2.

If there were three things in my life which I awfully regret:

It was not knowing for myself that love knows no boundaries.


It was boxing in my feelings for you and lying to myself.
It was choosing not to be with you.

By princessofdisaster

“One bowl of samgyupsal, please,” I told the scrawny little lad in front of me. I was
alone in the streets of Apkujeong. People and the places—they look the same, but
somehow they seemed to have been far from what they were back then. Leaves had
started to fall from the trees as they swayed to the gentle breeze that blew across
my face. It was late afternoon, and the concrete buildings, mostly painted in the
shades of metallic gray, were somewhat painted with the red-orange glow of the
sunset.

The lad held out a bowl of the hot, steaming meal in front of me. The aroma of
samgyupsal started filling my nostrils and made my stomach grumble. “That makes…
twenty won,” the lad said in a foghorn voice.

Without looking at the lad, I shelled out money from my wallet and gave it to him.
Then, I started walking along the street with a bag containing the samgyupsal. Just a
few blocks away, I could already see the very building which held up many memories.
Just by sniffing the scent of food I held with my hands, I could remember how much
you criticized me for not knowing how to cook.

Ten years had passed already. With the now-defunct girl group that went soaring up
in the music charts long gone, I somehow hungered for the scream and applause of
fans every time I passed by the streets in this place.

“I’ll be there, honey. Just give me an hour and I’ll be there. Need to get some things.
Okay? Bye…
I love—“

That faint voice sounded familiar, and it came from a black-haired girl standing not
too far away from me. She stood in front of the building of those memories, gazing
momentarily at it, and taking a deep sigh before entering the building.

I couldn’t believe it was you.

===

“Annyeonghaseyo! My name is…”

“…”

“Jessica?”

“…”
“Well, then, I guess–”

“Oh, I’m sorry, was I talking to you?”

===

I remembered the first time we met at that same building. I was stretching my
muscles and doing the usual warm-up routine when the door slowly opened and your
head peeped out of it. I was startled, not because you suddenly bust into my routine,
but because, when I saw you, that wide smile across your face came rushing towards
me. I spaced out and didn’t know what to do.
I’ve met a lot of girls, but they’re nothing compared to how I met you. But really, it
was just some plain accident that you stumbled into my routine and I, on the other
hand, began to space out in front of you.

===

I quickened my pace to the building, trying to keep up with you. But you already went
inside. I wasted no time and followed you inside the building, thinking I might have
that chance to tell you…
“Good morning, ma’am—oh, I, I,” the guard stuttered as I entered the building. He
then bowed his head at me, but I ignored him and asked, “Is that Kwon Yuri earlier?”

“Uh, yes, ma’am. She was just going to get some things she left behind ten years
ago.”

“Okay, thanks, sir,” I answered without looking back at him. I then gave him the bag
of samgyupsal that I carried with me earlier. “Oh, and this is for you.”

The eyes of the guard widened. “W-what? But I had breakfast–”

“It’s for lunch. Got to go, oppa.”

“I suppose you also wanted to get your things, Miss Jessica?”

“Yes.”

I rushed to the elevator and pushed some buttons in front of me. I tapped my foot on
the floor as I anxiously waited for the elevator to stop at the floor which held even
more memories of my boxed-in feelings.

===

“Um, Jessica-sshi, can I come in?”

“Oh, okay, but you can’t step in here with your shoes on. You know, the rules.”

“Oh, okay, unnie, thank you for the reminder.”

“No problem.”

===

It was the first day that I actually smiled, in like, years? I’ve never smiled like that
before. You were just too gullible not to be laughed at. You looked very embarrassed
and I could see your face getting red as others started giggling with me. I felt sorry
for what I did, but at the same time, I was happy, not because I was able to pull off a
prank on you, but because you were able to put a smile on my face—something that
other people hadn’t done before with me.
At that time, I wondered if I could fall in love with someone like you.

===

“Shoot.”

The elevator doors opened. As I stepped out of it, I literally forgot where we used to
share those memories together. I walked quickly along the corridors, gazing at every
door that I could find to look for the room.

“Oh, shoot.”

Again, that faint, familiar voice went ringing in my ears. I slowed down my face to
trace where that voice came from. Not too soon, I saw a slightly open door not far
away from me. I tiptoed towards that door and saw the past in shades of white and
gray.

To me, the place looked the same, except that it barely contained a few pieces of
furniture and some empty boxes. But I was glad for it, because if it had contained
more and more things, then, I’d probably break down from too much nostalgia.
Pieces of trash and some paper lay carelessly on the floor.

Silently, I started to find you in the area, gazing at the cobwebs and some occasional
spiders crawling from these nets. The kitchen which held our refrigerator, the
countertops, and food seemed to have lost most of its functions. The only thing it
gave me at that moment was more nostalgia and memories—of how I sucked at
cooking, and how good you were in it.

“Maybe the company got rid of them.”

Again, I heard your voice, and I sure knew where I was headed. It was the only room
where you would hide inside your white cupboard, and when I found you, you would
pretend to be asleep. It was really irritating, but seeing you fool around made me fall
in love with you anymore.
Still, I wondered if I could ever fall for someone like you.

I peeped into your room, and tears had started welling up at the corner of my eyes as
I watched you sitting on the floor, your legs crossed, and examining those contents
from the medium-sized box in one corner. I tried to take in deep breaths as you
pulled out a pair of trainers, a lollipop toy, that handkerchief which then turned pale
brown, the envelope which held our doodles and notes together…

Everything from the past came back to me in a split second. I didn’t know if I was
reading too much of Harry Potter, but I felt like being sucked into the magical
Pensieve, and watched those moments we had from afar.

===

I was fond of holding your hand or hugging you, but it would never be the same as
when I held you by the hand at the time we won our first Music Bank trophy. At that
time, I realized that the only person who could truly stand by my side as my best
friend was, at the same time, the same person who made me smile every day, who
shared my joys and pains, who felt the urge to protect me—the one who held my
heart. During what I thought would be the last five seconds of my life, I held on tight
to you, not wanting to let go, because I knew, for sure, I was safe with you.

===

“What the—AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

“Jessica!”

“Omo—we’re going to die!”

“Sica, it’s going to be alright, I’m here, just hold on to me,”

“Yuri-yah… WAAAAAHHHH!!!” (tires screeching)

===

Luckily, we made it. What was even more wonderful was us winning something that
night. I could only look at you, and though my sight of you was blurred by my own
tears, I still found my way into your arms the moment you pulled me into an
embrace. I felt warmth and comfort in your arms, and I couldn’t help but lean my
head onto your shoulder and sob. You didn’t know how much I needed to be with you
at that time. You didn’t know that you were someone I didn’t want to lose for the rest
of my life—the one I wanted to see forever with. The only doubt that I had was if
these feelings for you were right.

===

I didn’t feel my relationship with Jaejoong was a real one—it went on and off just like
the blinking lights in the Christmas tree. Every time I was with him, every time I ate
with him, kissed him, hugged him, missed him, I would always think of you and wait
for that moment for you to take me away from him. There was a time when you used
that handkerchief to wipe away my tears, and it made me feel more important to
you.

===

“Why can’t he just stay a little longer? Jaejoong-oppa is… Japan is–”

“I know, Sica, but he’s, you know—business matters,”

“But why break up with me? He can just call me every night while he’s away,”

“I don’t know, maybe, just—he needs some time to prove his worth I think,”

“Really? But I know he had already proved it,”

“Maybe he just wanted to come back to you as someone who’s even more, um, who’s
even better?”

“I can’t live without him, I just can’t…”

“It’s okay, Sica. Just let it all out. I’m here for you—we’re best friends, right? No
Jaejoong-oppa or any other guy is going to hurt you when I’m around,”

“…”

===

Throughout that moment, I waited for you to tell me that you were much, much
better than Jaejoong-oppa. But no other words came from your mouth except “let it
all out” or “we’re best friends”, something which irritated me more than it comforted
me. Because I was hurt to see you not try that hard enough. That wasn’t what I
wanted from you in the first place. Instead, I wanted you to tell me how much you
loved me. I wanted to you to kiss me, hug me, tell me all those sweet words no other
person could tell me. And I wanted to tell you the same. But we’re friends. And falling
in love with the same species is another issue. It was something we could never do.
Still, I doubted if you would ever love me. I wondered why you could make such a
lingering pain on me—the pain of waiting for you, the pain of thinking wildly of those
possibilities that we could be together, the pain of trying to find my meaning or my
place in your heart even if it seemed I had no meaning to you other than as a best
friend.

===

“Howdy?”

“Yuri-yah, keep focus on the show!”

“You’re even spacing out—and you tell me to focus? Keke~”

“Whatever.”

“Sica.”

“What?! Again?”

“Do you really mean it, what you said earlier about me meeting your in-laws?”

“Of course, keke. Why, you’re my Kwon Seobang, aren’t you? Keke~ You should
meet mom.”

===

Those things I wrote you during that one radio show—I meant every single one of
them. But I guess you wouldn’t care. You saw me as a best friend after all. I think you
didn’t know me too well; I was bad at making jokes. If I would have written “I love
you Kwon Yuri” on these sheets of paper, would you have returned them by writing “I
love you, too”?

I guess not.

I decided to look for reasons not to love you anymore. I decided to return Jaejoong’s
love back, to make it all up to him. I thought it was that easy, because you didn’t
even care. You only smiled at me and even cheered me up every time I told you
about Jaejoong. Seeing that was painful. I wanted to tell you it was all for show, but I
couldn’t. We were best friends, and, cliché as it sounded in romance novels and
magazines, I wanted to have you as a friend than not to have you in my life at all.
===

You took your time looking at those things, until finally, you took out that one thing
which reminded me most of the wrong decision I made.

===

“Baby, come to me now


And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.”

===

Your voice cracked as I heard you sing every single line from that song. It was my
party, and I should have been happy to listen to you sing, but I wasn’t. It was
something that got me all confused. I wanted to tell myself that it was all for me, that
you were actually confessing your love for me. But a part of me told otherwise.
Maybe you were just frustrated with Yunho-oppa, whom you said you liked ever since
pre-debut.

But I couldn’t hide the suspicion as you slightly looked up at me, showing me those
tearful eyes, then turned around to walk out into the balcony.

I couldn’t do anything but just watch you walk away. I wanted to comfort you and ask
you what was wrong, but this awkward feeling I had—the fear that I might be directly
confessing to you, the fear that I’d get rejected, the fear of being goofed around by
friends, especially Jaejoong—stopped me from doing so. It was the fear that I wished I
had conquered.

After having a bottle or two of soju during the party, my inner senses told me to ask
you about your feelings. I didn’t know if alcohol did that for me. Or maybe I ran out of
patience.

===

“Jaejoong-oppa, please,”

“J-just one kiss, Jessica, and we’ll get you home.”

“But, Y-yuri-yah would be worrying about me–”

“Why are YOU always mentioning Yuri?!”

“You’re drunk, okay, just stand up straight and walk with me.”

“W-what d-does Yuri have that I don’t?! Huh?!”

“Jae–”

“Stop this n-nonsense. Are you in love with her? D-do you ch-choose her over me?! I-
I’m the right one for y-you, Jessica…”
===

Jaejoong was a bit heavy and groggy when I accompanied him home. I was lucky you
didn’t get to hear from us, you being several feet behind. At once, I felt sorry for
Jaejoong. And I felt he was right—I didn’t want to end up in a wrong relationship. I
bade him goodbye at the gate and watched him walk towards the entrance of his
dorm, apparently without a thought of where to go. I loved you, but being with you
was a mistake. All a mistake.

===

“Yah, Sica.”

“Hm?”

“Tired?”

“Yeah, and sleepy. Hey, can you bring these boxes of presents for me to my room?
Hyo went straight to the bathroom and I had no one else to help me out.”

“Sure.”

“…”

“Um, Sica?”

“Hey, Yuri-yah, thanks for coming along.”

“No problem. Anything for my best friend.”

“Aw, how sweet of my Kwon Seobang. Keke~”

“…”

“Actually, I forgot throughout the party that I have something to give you.”

“Jinja, jinja?! Nice, nice! Is it DBSK? Oh, well, Jaejoong will still make a fine present,
keke~”

“Unfortunately, no. I don’t know how to put this–”

===

We arrived at the dorm at about two in the morning that day. I was a bit sleepy, but
when I talked to you, I felt my energy coming back. On the other hand, I tried to
restrain my feelings by being not too close as you as possible. I remembered what
the drunk Jaejoong told me,

“I’m the right one for you, Jessica…”

The thought scared me.

You settled down the gifts on one corner of my room as I straightened out the sheets
on my bed. I was about to tell you how much fun I had with Jaejoong—when, in
reality, I didn’t seem to enjoy the party at all, not with you out in the balcony—when
you came up to me and handed me

…those pair of earrings.

===

“Here.”

“…”

“Do you like it? I can’t think of anything, but you kept bugging me about it and told
me you liked that pair very much, so I–”

“…”

“W-well, I think I have to go now. I’m a bit sleepy. Goodnight Sica baby.”

“Yuri-yah.”

“What is it?”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course, as your best friend, I do.”

“Is that why you were acting strangely this evening?”

“What?! What the heck are you talking about? If you think I was being strange, it’s
because the chocolate cake gave me the bad tummy and the soju didn’t taste good.”

“No, I don’t think so, Yuri-yah. You didn’t even talk to me or look at me while I was
with Jaejoong.”

“Come on, you were all lovey-dovey, and we had to leave you two alone. Keke~”

“Not talking to me was part of the plan? Keeping silent the whole evening was part of
the plan? Refusing my chocolate cake was part of the plan? And singing THAT song in
front of me was part of the plan? I thought I knew you Kwon Yuri. But I couldn’t
understand you all the while.”

“Oh come on, my frustrations over Yunho-oppa came over so I had to sing that song!
What does it mean to you, anyway?!”

“I hate you.”

“W-what!? What did I do wrong, Sica? You must have misunderstood me.”

“…”

“What now?!”

“Kwon Yuri. I kept wondering why you can’t tell me directly what the hell was wrong
with you at the party. Now, I started to realize that it concerns me, and…and you
can’t tell me, your best friend, about it.”
“Well, you didn’t even tell me you hadn’t given up Jaejoong yet.”

“And so? What is it to you, Kwon Yuri? Tell me, are you in love with me or something
like that?! Is that why you’re jealous about Jaejoong going out with me this evening?
Is that it!?”

“I—I’m not—it’s not what it seems, Sica…”

“Then what’s wrong?!”

“…”

===

I got tired of you trying to evade that feeling—the same feeling that I had with you. I
slightly stomped my feet and started heading for the door. Suddenly, you pulled me
into your arms. And for a second or two, you leaned in and kissed me.

I should have been in shock. I should have pushed you away. But, as we remained
still with our lips locked to each other, I slowly closed my eyes and thought for a
while. Your scent started filling my senses, and the warmth of your lips started
flowing throughout my body. I knew—your kiss meant everything that I longed to tell
you: “I love you, I love you, I love you…”

However, I felt disgusted when Jaejoong and his words started coming back into my
head. It got me thinking: where are we headed after this? Where would this
relationship go? What would other people say? I guess I was too young to even
understand and be optimistic about those things. All I could think about was my
future, my own future, I was too selfish to even think about your feelings for me, and
I lied too much about my own feelings as well–

“I love–”

Suddenly, I had the urge to push you away. I swung my left arm, and soon after, my
palm landed hard on your left cheek. I didn’t know if it was from the strong force that
my slap had on your face, but you slightly stumbled back and covered your cheek
with your palm. I swiftly dropped the earrings you gave me to the floor.

After that, I found myself taken aback by my own actions. I couldn’t believe that I
suddenly ended our beautiful friendship with that slap. Nevertheless, I rushed out of
my own room, out of the dorm, and out of the building… I could feel the rain starting
to fall on me but I didn’t care.

All I wanted was to be alone. But did I really want to be alone? See, I was too good at
lying to myself. For once, I hated myself for not following my instinct, for not
following my heart. Hot streams of salty liquid fell like endless streams along my
cheeks as I slowed down my pace along the sidewalk. Only a few people have noticed
me crying, and some of the cars that passed by the road zoomed away like they
didn’t care about who was sad and lonely at those times. Minutes later, I found a
bench not too far from the company building. I propped myself carelessly on that
bench.

“Ouch! What the–”

I felt a prickling pain near the underside of my skirt. My hand snaked down, and
found something glittering stuck to the crumpled creases of my skirt.

It was the one earring you gave me.

I stared at it. To think of it, it was the most beautiful present I could have for my
birthday especially that it came from you. Thoughts of you trying to confess your love
to me earlier then re-emerged from the inner recesses of my brain. I was again
confused, too confused.

“Eottoke,” I sighed.

Yes, it was a symbol of your undying love for me, or well, so I thought. At the same
time, it left a mark of vexation in my head, a kind of incomprehensibility which I
couldn’t deal with by saying “I love you” back. I swore to myself that I would keep
that earring until I was sure of my feelings—by then, I decided to either return it,
when I’m sure that this was all wrong, or take back the other earring from you, if I
made up my mind that my feelings for you were right. I thought it would be all easy,
but I was wrong.

Since that incident, you never even bothered to come to me and talk about it. I
wanted you to say something first. I wanted you to tell me, convince me that what
you were feeling for me was right all along. But you didn’t even try hard enough. I
waited for you for so many days, weeks, months, and even years.

It was an inner conflict that I dealt with, until we left SNSD. During that last day,
when I had to leave for US, still, I waited for you to say anything. But you didn’t.
Those things we’d left unsaid had piled up too much on my heart, until they were no
more.

Fame is volatile, and so is love unexpressed.

Until now, I kept the earring with me. What should I do?

===

I couldn’t bear to see the scene in front of me. My throat hurt as I silently ran away
from the room. I ran along the corridors, hoping to find someone who could comfort
me at that moment. Suddenly, I stumbled upon a tall guy in front of me. I was too
emotional to even notice the guard as he backed away a bit from me.

“Oh, Miss Jessica, I’m sorry,” the guard said.

“I-It’s okay, sir,” I stuttered, trying to suppress my tears.

“Where’s Miss Kwon? I thought you followed her into the room.”

“Uh, n-no, I–”

“Anyway I was just going to get her. Someone’s looking for her outside. An oppa, I
think.”

“Really? Well, that’s—I’m going, oppa.”

I didn’t even apologize to the guard. What I wanted at that moment, after all, was to
get away from that building as possible. I had to stop regretting all about what
happened and try to live a new life ahead. The only question I had in mind, however,
is where I should start, because, until now, I was never able to love back the same
way I loved you.

As I made my way out of the building, I saw someone familiar standing beside the
sidewalk. His body leaned back against the door of a car—his car, I think—and he was
humming some songs to himself.

“Hm, hm, hm… kissing you, oh my love…”

Could it be, Yuri’s~

I stood hidden at one corner of the building. I crossed my fingers, hoping I wouldn’t
see what I had in my mind at that moment.

Just then, the guy outside the building went in. Minutes later,

I saw you in your most beautiful smile,

Looking up at your new love,

With your hand and his hand linked together.

You giving him the hint that he was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your
life with.

I guess I had to give you back the earring.

–the end

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