Collection by Case Blackwell

e-mail: woodsinthebear@gmail.com website: woodsinthebear.com

COLLECTION July 2010 (Version #1) CAST Derren Williams - 27 Frank - 40s Mitch- 30s (Frank and Mitch are stage right standing in front of an apartment door. Mitch is holding and flipping through some papers. Frank is holding a large box. Derren is in his apartment, stage left, asleep in a chair.) FRANK I want a pool. And not one of those giant, plastic, buy it at wall mart stick in your back yard kind of pools. An actual, professionally constructed, in the ground kind of pool. MITCH You think there’s room in your yard? FRANK (overly annoyed) No I don’t think there’s room in my yard. I’m just saying, I want one. MITCH I don’t like to think about what I can’t have. FRANK Well thinking has never been a big concern of yours. Is this the right place or not? MITCH No, we need apartment 41 S. (Frank puts down his box and takes Mitch’s sheet.) FRANK Give me that. 415 you moron. This is it. (Frank knocks. Derren wakes up and falls out of his chair. Frank knocks impatiently. Derran collects himself and goes to the door. He opens it.) DERREN Yes?

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2.

FRANK Derren Williams currently residing at 609 Belmont apartment 415? DERREN That’s me. Can I help you? FRANK We’re with McDaniel’s Adolescence Collection agency in accordance with Illinois state law Stages of Life Act 198-C. Are you aware your adolescence is 7 years past due? DERREN Oh, that. I mailed it in a few months ago. You didn’t get it? FRANK Hah. He mailed it in. That’s what they all say. (Frank brushes past Derren and enters the apartment.) DERREN I didn’t say you could come in. FRANK I didn’t ask. (Mitch pix up the box and enters.) MITCH Sorry, he’s kind of forceful. FRANK Wow. Get a load of this place. All 20 square feet of it. And check out this lazy boy. It’s still warm. Are you aware what time it is? DERREN (looking for a clock) Of course it’s... uh... FRANK Waking up at 2pm in a lazy boy. Couldn’t even take the three steps to the bed. You mailed your adolescence in all right. Are you currently employed? DERREN Well, my temp agency hasn’t called in a while. But my band did book a gig a few weeks ago. FRANK Booked a gig! Watch out! We’re in the presence of an artist. I’ll do you a favor and check you for unemployed.

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DERREN Ok. So I’m between jobs. FRANK Between implies there’s something in front of you. MITCH He’s got a pretty nice TV. FRANK Of course he’s got a nice TV. And look at that, XBOX 360, Wii and a PS3. Someone’s been buzy. DERREN They were gifts. I almost never play them. FRANK Funny, the controllers are stretched right out to your little chair bed. Box em Mitch. (Mitch chucks all the systems into the box.) DERREN Come on man. Those are expensive. FRANK Hey, you understood the lease agreement when you signed up for being born. Don’t bitch at me just cause I actually have a job to do. DERREN Ok, you got my tokens of adolescence. Just go. Please. FRANK Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s all there is. Although, it’s funny, cause I took the liberty of picking up your mail for you on the way up. DERREN You can’t go through my mail! FRANK And it would seem you got a letter from dear old mom and dad. Let’s read it, shall we? (Frank opens the letter.) DERREN Please. That’s personal.

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FRANK Aww, it’s hand written, how sweet. Wait, there’s something else in here, uh oh, it’s a check! We got a check Mitch! Someone’s been sneaking little Derren an allowance! DERREN Please. There just seeing me through a dry spell. What with the job marketFRANK Really? An allowance at 27? Box it. (Frank passes the check off to Mitch who puts it in the box. Derren flinches.) MITCH Hey boss, I think there are some action figures on these shelves over here. FRANK Lo and behold. Wow, our childhood guys should have picked these up years ago. DERREN No, those are mementos. Remembrances. Those are perfectly legal. FRANK Are they? Did you fill out the perquisite 9-2c childhood memento declaration form? DERREN Yeah, when the last guys were here. FRANK Did you re-aplly? It re-expires every five years. DERREN Ok, it might have slipped my mind, but seriouslyFRANK Box em. The comics too. DERREN Those are graphic novels! They’re adult! FRANK Sure they are. Let’s see, what else. Well here’s a thing of beauty! A whole stack of unmailed resumes. DERREN I can explain those. I’ve been applying for jobs online.

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FRANK His laptop is open. Check his history. (Mitch goes to the laptop and feigns typing.) DERREN You don’t need to do that. MITCH It’s all porn, Facebook and Netflix boss. Wow, that’s a whole lot of streaming Buffy the Vampire Slayer. FRANK Strange career building you’ve been doing. I’ll tell ya what, we’ll mail these for ya. Box em Mitch. (Mitch box’s them.) DERREN I should really do that myself. I mean, it’s my future we’re talking about. FRANK Maybe we’re making an impression on this kid after all! MITCH Yeah, that’s a real adult way of looking at things boss. DERREN Ok. Great. So you guys can go. FRANK Buy ya know what? We’ll take some stress of your hands and mail em for ya anyway. We’ll be sure to send one to that uncle of yours. The one who’s high up at that insurance agency. DERREN No. Please. That’s the opposite of everything I stand for. FRANK So that makes it what? The opposite of reheated Chinese food and two month old laundry? DERREN My band! My band could take off. I think we’re really onto something. At practice last Saturday we... uh... we’ve added a sort of electronic ambience to our sound. Very modern. FRANK That’s the band your in with that Taylor kid?

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DERREN Yeah, he’s our singer. FRANK We saw him two appointments back. He’s moving back to Wyoming. Gonna work for his dad’s flooring company. DERRAN No. He hates his dad. FRANK Well maybe he’s growing up. MITCH They’re trying to make up. It’s real sweet. DERREN Oh God. But we were really onto something. Like on the cusp of greatness. FRANK Sure you were. You see anything else Mitch? MITCH How about all these novelty T-shirts? FRANK That’s kind of a gray area. People sleep in those. Eh... Box half of them. (Mitch boxes half the shirts.) MITCH Should we take the guitar boss? FRANK Oh, no no no. Absolutely not. Reminders of your failed dreams are an important part of adulthood. I’d say we more or less got enough here. I’ll check ya off. DERREN (deflated) Great. FRANK We’ll be back though if you don’t follow up on these resumes. It’s about time you applied that degree of yours. DERREN Yeah. Sure. MITCH (picking up the box) We on break yet?

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FRANK Nah, we got a 4 bedroom down the street. MITCH Ugh, roommates take forever. FRANK Yeah yeah. That’s why I think of the pool. Get’s me through the day. MITCH That’s kind of depressing. (Frank and Mitch exit the apartment then stage. Derren sighs and sits in the lazy boy. Enter Dick. Dick knocks on Derren’s door.) DERREN Great, what now. (Derren opens the door.) DERREN Yes? DICK I’m with Donaldson’s Adult delivery service. Here to drop off a pregnant girlfriend. (Blackout.)

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8.

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