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Student Writer

Madison Bertenshaw

English 101A

21 February, 2017

The Bachelorette Athlete

Bachelorette #1:

Name: Student Writer

Age: 19

Occupation: Student Athlete

Hometown: Port Coquitlam, BC

Suitor #1 Suitor #2 Suitor #3

Name: Tom Nielsen Name: Greg Jack Name: TJ Crater

Age: 56
Occupation: Project Manager
Hometown: Duncan, BC
Age: 45 Age: 37
Occupation: Assistant Head Coach, Occupation: Assistant Coach,
Virginia Tech University of Arizona
Hometown: Eganville, ON Hometown: East Wenatchee,
Washington

Youre making a mistake leaving.

You wont find a better total package. Before he says his next comment, he spits out
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his tobacco. When you realize no one wants you, youre going to come crawling back to

me. Commented [MB1]: Teagan, what a fantastic

introduction to your experience. Great genre work,
specifically establishing voice and character.
This is why I left my ex. He said those haunting words to me. Being sworn at on a
Commented [MB2]: I like the way you play with the
timeline of the narrative, and begin at the end. Also,
daily basis for a year resulted in my positive self-talk plummeting. After experiencing great sentence variation and diction.

this man coming to practice drunk, I knew I deserved better. It took a lot of courage to

leave a man you are reliant on. He supported my financially, he was the one guiding me

to my dreams and the man I left my own country for. However, I was more than just

heartbroken, I lost a part of myself. I lost self-belief, self-confidence and self worth. It

was time for a change. This time around, I was not nave. I was much, much smarter.

Only two days of breathing the Tucson air, I knew this was home. As I excitedly

strolled into my new suitors office, I felt like a kindergartener walking into school for

the first time. The cool air conditioning became a reality, similarly to my actions during

freshman year. I am was anxious to see what fall training and my new school has had Commented [MB3]: As a reader, I think I understand
what youre trying to say, but Im not entirely sure how
you want us to experience the cool AC and your actions.
waiting for me. Most importantly, I was overwhelmed with happiness because I had Clarify?
Commented [MB4]: Be aware of keeping a consistent
finally found the one. University of Arizona is the total package. Little did I know, verb tense. E.g. previously in paragraph say I knew, I
felt, it became
leaving your first love for a new love involves learning handfuls of new content, as well Formatted: Strikethrough
Formatted: Strikethrough
as adjusting to change. Formatted: Font color: Green
Formatted: Strikethrough
This is the place I will blossom, I thought as I looked at the plaques of
Formatted: Font color: Green

Olympians on the wall.

The comfort I felt in the small, windowless office gave my heart strength to heal.

Walking into my new suitor/coachs office felt like my second chance. Suitor #1s

contagious smile lightened my hunched shoulders, a feeling I had not felt in countless

months. I started to cry and I could not figure out why. Suddenly, I had everything I had

ever wanted, from warm weather to a coach who cares about me. The divorce from
Virginia Tech was rocky, but once I packed all my things and walked out of Blacksburg,
Virginia, I knew that would be the last time we would ever speak.
Im not taking this second chance for granted, I blurted out to the coach of my
dreams.
This is a 4 year process, he confidently replied back with.
A crisp, black binder with Arizona Throws on the cover was in my hands. As I
opened it, I realized I was being introduced to a whole new concept of literature.
Shot Swing Strike x 6/6/8/8 per arm
Cl First Pull, Cl Pull H, Cl 50% 36 x3 60% 45 x3 60% 45 x3 60% 45 x3
PB Arch x6
DB SA ISO Row (:04 hold at top) M x6e M x6e M x6e
I had no idea what any of these acronyms meant. These next 4 years are going to
teach me how to be a better married athlete. I will be learning all over again. Half of the
words on my laminated, training plans, are were unknown to me. Somehow, the blind
faith I had in my new suitor weaved the first stich into my broken heart, courtesy of my
divorce.
The first few weeks of dating, I felt like a lost puppy. I was constantly looking at
my fellow experienced contestants for clarification. Being an independent person, I did
not like feeling lost. New exercises challenged me physically, but the biggest challenge
was communicating with a new suitor. TJ is was my 3rd beau in a year and a half. My
suitor during high school was like a dad to me. His name was Tom and he was everything
I needed at the time. He has supported me since the early days when track became my
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Commented [MB5]: As a reader, I feel a little in the dark
about this experience. You seem to glaze over it, to tell us
and not really show the reader. Consider revising
organization so you can still keep (what I interpret) as, at
times, the intentional jumping between scenes while also
filling in the gaps for the reader so they are invested in
your experience.
Commented [MB6]: How about language instead?
What do you think? I think literature is a little off the
literacy you are exploring has more depth (e.g. it is read,
spoken, implemented, etc.)
Commented [MB7]: Again, I totally appreciate the risks
you took with genre. I think a future revision would
benefit from additional information or set up to clarify
the context (e.g. dating show) you are playing with. In
other words, play even more with it and the conventions
available to you!
Commented [MB8]: What a beautiful visual!
With regards to language of divorce, see my comment
above
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passion. With his guidance, I made 2 Canadian national teams, was a Canadian national
champion and received an NCAA D1 scholarship. Unfortunately, as bigger dreams
emerged, I outgrew Tom. My next coach was a mistake. Mr. Mistake is also known as
a nationally recognized asshole, or Greg for short. I made the mistake of going to
Virginia Tech and I made the mistake of letting my passion get the best of me. I let my
heart lead the way and I naively had blinders on. Young love. However, I refuse to let
mistakes keep me down because I can always learn from them. As the search for a new
love began, I had fairly simple criteria:
1. A coach that was not an alcoholic
2. A warm climate
3. An athletic community that cares about me
University of Arizona is like the man you are suppose to marry, while Virginia
Tech is the loser you should have broken things off with from the very start. Transferring
was hard and I felt like a freshman all over again. New websites were waiting for me to
discover, like D2L and UAccess. However, the most crucial skill I had to learn was
starting over with a new man. New cues had to be learned. Scrambled letters turned into
exercises. Patience kept me grounded. By far, the most frustrating part of my training was
the weight room literature. All of my life, I have only been familiar with pounds.
Suddenly, I was involuntary forced to learn the unfamiliar language ofkilograms.
Whats the equation to turn kilograms to pounds? Pounds to kilograms? Furthermore, I
had another suitor, a lifting coach named Brian. TJ and Brian are a package deal; to have
one means you have the other. Lifting coaches love making up their own exercises. That
is fine. What is not fine is how ridiculous they make the names of certain lifts. To make
Commented [MB9]: Consider transitions within this
paragraph. Establishing multiple relationships rather
quickly. Break into multiple paragraphs, explore in
character sketch perhaps. Either way, smooth out
transitions between different characters.
Commented [MB10]: Brilliant voice and register. You are
a boss.
Commented [MB11]: Again, great voice established
through the sassy and empowered use of diction and
sentence variation. As a reader, Id like to dig into
these different suitors in more depth. I understand
the VA Tech experience is probably still painful for
you but, how can you show us more of the experience
(e.g. interactions with this person, the program, even
things you thought or felt about the whirlwind feeling
of getting wrapped up in young love.
Commented [MB12]: Is this the book you reference
earlier? Would you be open to thinking of it a language?
Revision idea: unpack the idea of this language as part of,
perhaps, some kind of dating rules? Ultimately, explore
gaining the literacy of the weight room or the book in
more depth. Its a bit skimmed over as is
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matters worse, strength and conditioning coaches use acronyms for these outrageous

names. Confusing, I know. Personally, I do not like my men to be over creative. Commented [MB13]: So much sass! I love these playful
moments.
However, because TJ is the coach I have always wanted, I will make sacrifices to try and

work with Brian.

Although Virginia Tech was adequate, I knew it was not the one. Personal Commented [MB14]: Again, see my previous comment
about showing not just telling. I think you skim over
these experiences, so your growth [that] emerged isnt
growth emerged from within me after I left my unhappy relationship. Diving into the sea as significant as it could be.

with plenty of fish was risky. My potential options for a new suitor were endless, but I

stayed true to what I truly wanted. TJ is state of the art and exciting, as any new

relationship is. Following the honeymoon phase was when the constant acronyms and

miscommunication became more irritable. However, working through differences in any

relationship is the true key to success. I continue to be a student in relationships because Commented [MB15]: The introduction of yourself as a
student complicates the analogy you create through the
narrative. Its a bit confusing to insert this detail at the
every new training plan encourages questions and conversations. end without much support.

You cant flirt with the track. You must marry it. Bill Easton

Unit 1: Literacy Narrative Feedback Rubric

Instructors Evaluation Symbols -- KEY
+ = done very well
= done adequately
- = could use some work or revision
= Not done at all/not at passing level

__+__ Paper follows assignment specifications (including page length, MLA format)
__+__ Paper begins with an effective title and introduction that is engaging to your
target audience
____ Paper has a clear, controlling idea (e.g. exploratory claim) establish early (and
possibly revised and complicated throughout) the narrative.
__-__ Paper clearly identifies and describes a specific literacy experience, utilizing
rhetorical strategies specific to the genre (e.g. dialogue, character sketch, sensory
detail, figurative language, etc.).
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__ __ Paper goes beyond storytelling to provide analysis of what you learned about
yourself as a writer from reflecting upon your experience
__ __ Paper is clearly organized with logical flow and connections of ideas
__ __ Paper is carefully proofread and edited for problems with grammar, word
choice, spelling, punctuation and other mechanics (specifically issues from peer review
#2: comma usage, run-ons and fragments, passive language, word choice)
__+__ There is thoughtful improvement between drafts. The final draft reflects specific
feedback from peers and/or conferencing. The writer has taken risks (i.e. crots) in their writing
style, language or genre.

Dear Teagan,

Youve crafted a very creative document and begun to explore genre (and conventions)
in a lucrative way. I particularly like the voice and register you establish; it is very sassy,
empowered, and appropriate for your purpose.

For future revisions consider:

- Adding more detail about your experience at Virginia Tech. You mention in your
SOGC that your peers wanted to see more of this. I do, too! Dont assume your
readers can relate to the experience by providing us with a quick scene and a
few telling statements. Illustrate what that young love was like.
- I think you can push the genre further. I have a few marginal comments about
clarifying the relationship. I think if you dig into the bachelorette concept
more it might make sense. For example, why use this framework at all? Why
incorporate the boxes and photos early in the document if you then abandon
that set up later on (even in the intro paragraphs)? Add coherency and treat the
entire narrative like a story of the bachelorette?
- Grammar stuff: make sure you stick with a consistent verb tense. It was a little
distracting and at times pulled me out of your great narrative.

You took some great risks/crots and began to explore an interesting literacy. Good
work!

Best,