Jesus Christ Calling His Spouse

“In his dying moments Phillip II King of Spain, sent for his son, and throwing off his royal robes, showed him his breast eaten away by worms, and said to him, 'Prince behold how we die, and how the grandeurs of this world end. Oh that I had been a lay brother in some religious community, and had not been king!'” (Preparation for Death, St. Alphonsus) I was in raised the apostate church antipope Benedict XVI and his predecessors created after the death of Pope Pius XII. Despite the darkness, vileness, abominableness of living in the error of heresy, my Spouse called for me to be with Him for all eternity. He lovingly inspired me to follow Him when I was little. I would look up at the pulpit and see the man preaching. He himself was a godless preacher. A man who has the spirit of the world within him. Every cleric standing in the pulpit was full of emptiness and void of charity. They never denounced sin nor strove to correct souls in virtue. I wondered if these men ever knew, looking back now, what truly is virtue? I knew that my Spouse called. His inspirations to abandon my vices were ever present before my eyes. I however was not courageous like a lion. I was timid, lukewarm, and weak. Many times I attempted to read the whole Holy Bible, but I did not persevered. I was so timid of being called by my Spouse that I had no one to turn to. Not even my parents. For they had a kingdom prepared for me in this world. They wanted me to be an engineer. As my worldly father used to say, “they treat them [engineers] like gods.” It is the same inspiration the devil gave to Adam and Eve. Such a pity to see my own father immersed in such a spirit as the world. My parents wanted me to espouse a lady immersed in the spirit of the world, I however wanted to espouse the spirit of penance, self denial, divine love, and Jesus Christ. My vocation laid to be a hidden treasure. The pearl to be purchased at a great price. My parents never knew that I had a vocation because I kept it hidden in my heart. According to the Saints, the Fathers of the Church, and the holy Councils, a vocation should be kept secret from the parents. “It is especially necessary to keep the vocation secret from parents.”(The Religious State, St. Alphonsus) The same is prescribed in the Council of Tribur, and is taught by St. Ambrose, St. Jerome, St. Augustine. St. Bernard, St. Thomas, and others, with St. John Chrysostom, who writes in general: “When parents stand in the way in spiritual things, they ought not even to be recognized.” “Frequently,” St. Thomas Aquinas says, “our friends according to the flesh are opposed to our spiritual good”. For fathers often prefer that their children should be damned with themselves rather than be saved away. Hence St. Bernard exclaims: “O hard father, O cruel mother, whose consolation is the death of their son, who wish rather that we perish with them than reign without them!” (The Religious State, St. Alphonsus) I knew that there was a void of love in my life. I did not have the love of God. “No one can live without delight and that is why a man deprived of spiritual joy goes over to carnal pleasures.” (St. Thomas of Aquinas) Spiritual joy is one of the main fruits of divine love dwelling in a soul sanctified in grace. My early years consisted of me not having any spiritual joy. Especially between the ages of 1220 when I was a slave to lust. 1

My Spouse, in spite of my infinite impurity, still inspired me through His holy angels to repent of my wicked ways. This was the spirit of the world inside me. This is what my parents envisioned me to embrace! What terror! What horror! I was enchained. I was weak and timid. Since I did not have the love of God in my soul, this was my sole desire, the love of lust. Wicked and perverse thoughts would fill my head. And there were times I tried to stop, but the slavery only grew worse. It was very painful for me to deal with not being loved by God. I had the knowledge of knowing God hated me. I felt completely abandoned my God. I would drink the iniquity of lust more than a college student binge drinks alcohol at a party. Lust consumed my life. Are people this mad to embrace the spirit as the world? Jesus, my loving Bridegroom, preserved my virginity for Himself. This I must admit He has loved me, an infinite abomination, more than others. For while He has allowed others to fall away from virginity, He jealously protected mine. This grace alone, as I nearly cry now writing, could never be appreciated. While retaining the spirit of the world inside me, the vice of pride grew deeper into my soul. I pridefully thought that I could resist any temptation a woman could try against me. While in college, God humbled me one night. And I nearly lost my virginity. I wish to write modestly on that subject. So I will say very little on what happened that night. This was the beginning of me falling madly in love with my Spouse, Jesus Christ. Although I did not even suspect it totally. But He was slowly detaching me from the world. A world drowned in sinful wicked pleasures. I first went to the worldly heretical priest who coldly forgave my sins. I still however had a remorse of conscience. I felt within side of me that my sins were not forgiven. Now I am going to fast forward to the spring the next year (2007). I was still sadly in my vice. But my heart grew only worse. I was in greater sorrow then before. Now I did not enjoy the past times of lust. Now it was a war trying to get out. I was striving with all my might to stop. However, I could not. I felt that I was being swept away from God forever. I thought myself to be lost. F...O...R...E...V...E...R... There were many nights I wept over my wretched and vile sins especially almost losing my virginity to that poor woman (may God have mercy on her soul as well). I wept now that I was a slave to sin. God was punishing my wickedness by showing to me my helplessness without Him. He permitted His abominable Spouse to cry to Him for help. [Note: A life of prayer is completely contradictory to the spirit of the world. That is why when a soul immersed in the world has such a hard time praying. That is why Jesus Christ commanded us to always pray. “We ought always to pray, and not to faint.” (Luke 18:1)] After many months of continually up and down emotional fighting the passions of lust, Mary, the Blessed and Immaculate Virgin, took pity on such a wretched sinner as I was. There was to be a battle one night that she was to crush the head of the serpent. I was in bed one night just about going to sleep. Temptations attacked me from all sides. My body was on such fire from lust I thought I was going to be burnt alive. I said no, but the temptation only grew worse. As the temptations grew worse I wept and cried quietly. I was a helpless forgotten weak sickly sinful child. I thought I would never get out of this slavery. I thought God would leave me in such a pitiful state as the state of damnation. For His Justice demanded punishment for my wickedness. There is no greater punishment in this life then God abandoning a soul to its own desires. I began praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary. Hail Mary after Hail Mary and the fire within me grew worse. I would continually fight between, “I am going to commit it,” and “I am not going to commit it.” In the end I cried myself to sleep and never committed the act. 2

The next day, I was not even assailed with a single sinful thought. I had no desire to commit any impure acts. I felt free and pure as if I never consented to a single lustful thought or action in my entire life. Ever since then, I have, not to my knowledge, committed a single sin against impurity.

Part II
“No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the Rosary. Either he will give up sin or he will give up the Rosary.” 1 It was sometime after that I had watched a video on Youtube of a 1943 Easter Latin Mass sung. I asked the rhetorical question to my friend (who was an atheist at the time later converted to the Novus Ordo church), “why do not we have this?” I was raised with the most disgusting liturgy and you clerics in the western church have forsaken the Latin Rite? I would rather have the Lord make me deaf and blind than rather be present at the abominable heretical Novus Ordo Missae. Only if you, the reader, could fathom the holy indignation and abhorrence I have against this disgusting Novus Ordo Missae! An American commented on this “New Mass” in simple terms for the edification of the rest of Americans, “I mean that seriously, because I'm a sinner and I know I don't deserve to be 'entertained' when I go to worship God in that Holy Hour of the Mass. The New Mass is a lot more 'entertaining,' a lot more 'fun.' It's a lot of face to face, up and down, and more like a combination of a talk show, an exercise program, and a home-shopping program all rolled into one.” “Thus saith the Lord: Stand ye on the ways, and see and ask for the old paths which is the good way, and walk ye in it: and you shall find refreshment for your souls.” 2 I had an ardent desire to learn and read about the Fathers of the Church and the Saints. These are the souls who ought to be our guides to the path of salvation. My high school German teacher always stated to us, “lesen, lernen, lieben” - “read it, learn it, love it”. 3 With the Catholic faith it is applies the same way. “He that readeth let him understand.”4 We must read these days from the writing of the Saints. We must learn from them and their actions. We must love God with our whole heart, and with our whole soul, and with all of our strength, and with all our mind. 5 In the spring of 2007, after I had failed to engineering tests, 27% & 33%, I was shocked. I never failed a test in school. For both of my classes, I had only three exams for each one. If I were to fail, I would need to get 100% on the next two just to pass. With some simple math calculations in my head, I did not expect myself to pass my classes. I had inspiration, maybe I am called the the priesthood. At that point in time, I had remembered a past event. I talked to God some years ago, that “if You wanted me to be an engineer Thy will be done. But You want me to be a priest, Thy will be done.” I talked to God back in 2005.
1 2 3 4 5 Bishop Hugh Boyle Jeremias 6:16 If I remember correctly, the proper German translation should read “lesen es, lernen es, lieben es” - “read it, learn it, love it”. But my German teacher would always say, “lesen, lernen, lieben” for short. Matthew 24:15 Luke 10:27

3

But in the spring of 2007, He seemed to say in my heart, Arise, make haste, my love, my dove, my beautiful one, and come. See, and incline thy ear: and forget thy people and thy father's house. 6 “St. Thomas Aquinas, says, that God, when He gives such vocations, wills that we should not defer even a moment to follow them. Christ requires from us such an obedience that we should not delay an instant. And why this? Because as much as God is pleased to see in a soul promptitude in obeying him, so much he opens his hand and fills it with his blessings. On the contrary, tardiness in obeying him displeases him, and then he shuts his hand and withdraws his lights, so that in consequence a soul will follow its vocation with difficulty and abandon it again easily. Therefore St. John Chrysostom says that when the devil cannot bring any one to give up his resolution of consecrating himself to God, he at least seeks to make him defer the execution of it, and esteems it a great gain if he can obtain the delay of one day only, or even of an hour. Because after that day or that hour, other occasions presenting themselves, it will be less difficult for him to obtain greater delay, until the individual who has been thus called, finding himself more feeble and less assisted by grace, gives way altogether and loses his vocation. Therefore St. Jerome gives to those who are called to quit the world this advice: “Make haste, I beseech you, and rather cut than loosen the cable by which your bark is bound fast to the land”. The saint wishes to say that as a man who should find himself in a boat on the point of sinking would seek to cut the rope, rather than to loosen it, so he who finds himself in the midst of the world ought to seek to get out of it as promptly as possible, in order to free himself from the danger which is so great, in the world, of losing his soul.” 7 How did my father8 and mother9 react to this? Not too kindly. We were sitting in a restaurant when I broke them the news, that I wanted to become a priest. You could see the dispositions from an enjoyable late morning to now an angry, “the world is going to totally collapse around you” attitude. My father was always very good at asking questions. He asked these questions to me that would just acutely hurt and annoy. He kept asking those types of questions until I could not answer him anymore. I knew that I was not going to get anywhere with him. Not in the state of mind he was in. I proceeded to walk out and left them in the restaurant. As I was walking back to where I was living in college, my father in his anger screamed out of the car window horrible things I do not wish to repeat. He did that three times. He drove past me turned around in the car and screamed awful things. On the third time, he drove back home with my mother. I was in a state of disbelief that these were my own parents. “Parents who do not 'seek first the kingdom of God' in all their home arrangements are certain to have an inordinate attachment to their individual desires and domestic schemes. They build castles in the air for each of their children. They take delight in drawing ideal maps for their children. Instead of regarding their sons and daughters as a most sacred trust from God, and endeavoring to discover in what way they can best train them so as to carry our His blessed Will, they regard them all as so much property. They
6 7 8 9 Canticles 2:10 & Psalms 44:11 The Religious State, St. Alphonsus An apostate A heretic

4

are family-jewels, to be worn as ornaments of the common home, as long as possible, and then to be skillfully invested in some advantageous social speculation. As long as nothing interferes with these worldly prospects, there is harmony in the house, and any ordinary spectator would never imagine the possibility of a painful change. The Spirit of God, however, 'breatheth where He will,' and often, when utterly unexpected, enters this fold 'like a thief in the night,' and whispers to one of the lambs, 'Hearken, O my daughter, and see, and incline thy ear, and forget thy people and they father's house.' (Psalm 44:11) 'Arise, make haste, My love, My dove, My beautiful one, and some.' (Canticles 2:10) What is this divine breathing? It is the 'Voice of the Beloved,' the call of Jesus Christ, inviting His own elect to follow Him apart from the ordinary track of life to the higher mountain or a more perfect vocation. How is this wonderfully unmerited honor received by these worldly parents? Do they go down at once on their knees and thank God for His mercy? Do they, at least, try to rejoice even amidst the tears that must naturally flow at the thought of the separation which such a summons entails? The intimation falls like an explosive shell amongst selfish hopes. The Will of God not having entered their calculations, they are at first stunned, and then exasperated by the discovery that, without their suggestion or sanction, it has carried their offspring into its sweet and glorious captivity. “For a son to become a priest or a monk, whom they had been sanguinely bringing up with a view to a brilliant and wealthy career, seems to them a kind of robbery of their just rights. The act is felt as a personal misfortune, and is not infrequently treated for a time as an instance of needlessly cruel opposition, the sublime inspiration of God being mistaken for filial ingratitude. In the case of a daughter's vocation to the religious state, the disquiet, the disappointment, and the vexation are often still more intensified. What is the use of her costly accomplishments is they are never to be displayed? Her beauty and elegant manners might have drawn wealth, position, and perhaps a title, into the family, but these two attractions are worthless if marriage is to be for ever renounced. What a waste to bury such a pearl in the sepulcher, however holy, of a cloister! Such is the miserable one-sided, earthly reasoning of the world. All that is lovely, good, talented, and attractive is to be jealously preserved for the use of ambition, show, or at best for the increase of merely natural welfare and happiness, whilst the refuse of humanity may be thrown over in the garden of the Lord. If monasteries and convents would only be content to relieve households of useless encumbrances, if they would only provide an economical asylum for those of its members who are neither a credit, a comfort, nor a benefit to their relations, few complaints would be heard. But when they draw within their quiet walls those who have been ever looked upon as the choicest flowers of the family, then Achab's spirit breaks forth; then arise murmurings and reproaches; the fathers are sullen or violent, and mothers 'will not be comforted'; then confessors who were formerly pronounced to be models of wisdom, lose all their prestige if they confirm the vocation; then, unworthy and ingenious maneuvers are adopted for muffling, if possible, the divine voice, and removing out of the way everything that is likely to keep the supernatural flame alive; then commences a series of domestic persecutions, occasionally so severe as to make the candidate for a religious state 5

almost a martyr before, a reluctant consent having been given, the threshold of the old home is passed and that of the new home entered.”10 The world was collapsing before my eyes. My soul was suffering a very great dark night. For during this time I realized the church that I was raised in was not the same church my ancestors died for defending. “And I passed by, and lo, he was not: and I sought him and his place was not found.” 11 I came to understand that the billions of people that were in my church were just merely heretics. I wept with the deepest sorrow. I could not bear this weight. Who could I trust? Where do I turn to? Are there any Catholics left in this world? These sentiments overflow my poor infinitely impure heart. Then I heard of Catholic “Traditionalists”. These people, SSPX, 12 CMRI,13 SSPV.14 Many within these various societies are “una cum” 15 Benedict XVI. And also there are many who are not. I was thinking at the time of joining one of these “societies” thinking they were the church. I, however, was in grave ignorance. But as we all know, ignorance, is a cureable disease. During this dark night and time for me, I spent about $2,000 16 on Catholic books. I first purchased the writings of the Saints knowing they have the “Spirit of God” and not the “Spirit of Vatican II” which is the merely the “spirit of apostasy and heresy”. Every night, I wept or just about wept, with the greatest sorrow when praying the rosary. I only asked that God might spare me, such an infinite wretched abomination that I am, from the fires of Hell. I saw what happened to others. I did not want to share the same fate with them. It was St. Louis de Montfort, who one of many Saints, spared me from damnation. “If you say the Rosary faithfully until death, I do assure you that, in spite of the gravity of your sins 'you shall receive a never fading crown of glory.' (I Peter 5:4) Even if you are on the brink of damnation, even if you have one foot in Hell, even if you have sold your soul to the devil as sorcerers do who practice black magic, and even if you are a heretic as obstinate as a devil, sooner or later you will be converted and will amend your life and save your soul, if-and mark well what I say-if you say the Holy Rosary devoutly everyday until death for the purpose of knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for your sins.”17 It was with the spirit of “knowing the truth and obtaining contrition and pardon for my sins” that I prayed the rosary. I remembered one night I could not sleep. I got my parents concerned. I was completely terrified. My soul was immersed in despair or on the verge of despairing. Looking back now I cannot discern perfectly which of the two states I was in. “An ancient tradition among the Carthusians says, that what led St. Bruno to the monastic life was the following fact which took place in Paris, on the death of a man named Raymund, who had always been considered a good Christian. As the dirge was
10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 The Prophet of Carmel, pages 80-83, by Fr. Charles B. Garside, M.A., 1924 Psalms 36:36 Society of St. Pius X Congregatio Mariae Reginae Immaculatae - Congregation of Mary Immaculate Queen Society of St. Pius V “In union with” comes from Canon of the Mass. The monetary figure could be higher. The Secret Of The Rosary, St. Louis De Montfort,

6

being sung around bier, at the fourth lesson, beginning with these words 'Responde mihi' Raymund raised his head and said: 'I am accused by the just judgment of God.' The burial was delayed, and the next day at the same place in the office, Raymund spoke again and said: 'I am judged by the just judgment of God.' And on the third day in the presence of great numbers who had heard of the occurrence, he said: 'I am damned by the just judgment of God.' Bruno was present, and with his own ears heard the terrible voice of this hypocrite, accused, judged, and condemned: but his heart was more struck than his ears. ” 18 We proceeded to visit a therapist for my father's anger. My mother, some time later, informed me that my father wept the day I told them I wanted to become a priest. Little did I know that the motivation of going to the therapist was to “cure my father's anger” turned into rather quickly against my vocation to the religious life. How ironic? I told all of them (the therapist, my father, and mother) bluntly and plainly they are ignorant of the divine Catholic faith. In addition, they ought to study the catechism of the Council of Trent. And after attending a couple months, the therapist's concluded I was “chemically imbalanced” and needed medical testing. The therapist believed that Benedict XVI was the pope. Need I explain more? “My daughter, do not weep, for I cannot bear your tears. I will grant you everything you ask for, but stop crying.” 19 My Spouse Jesus Christ, undoubtingly, lead me through this dark night of the soul. My tears, as St. Raphael the Archangel declares, were offered before the throne of the Lord. 20 “What is the dark night of the soul” you might ask. It is when the soul is completely lost. Lost being defined as, “not knowing where to turn and who to turn to”. In addition, tribulations and temptations to despair assail the soul with the greatest pain and torture. No one can relieve or console the soul except God. Many times the soul feels so oppressed that it believes that God is not even listening and has abandoned it. The dark night consists in the initial purging of the soul from the world and the soul's worldly desires. For souls both religious and laity, it is my opinion, this purging is the first step before a soul enters the purgative state. “When, then, any one has thus entered religion, however truly he may be called, and though he may have conquered all his passions and his earthly affections, let him not imagine that he will be exempt from other temptations and trials, which God himself will send him, such as tediousness, darkness, various fears, in order to establish him more firmly in his vocation. We must remember that even the saints, who have loved their vocation the most, have sometimes suffered great darkness with regard to it, and that it seemed to them as if they were deceived and would not be able to save themselves in that state. So it happened with St. Teresa. St. John of the Cross, St. Frances de Chantal.” 21
18 19 20 21 Stories From The Catechist Our Lord to Sister Faustina, Divine Mercy In My Soul, Page 360 Tobias 12:12 The Religious State, St. Alphonsus

7

“And will not God revenge His elect who cry to him day and night: and will He have patience in their regard? I say to you, that He will quickly revenge them.” 22 One night I was talking to an old friend, we were discussing matters of theology. I stated, “if there be a pope may God be praised that we have one”.23 About fifteen minutes later, I found the Vatican in Exile. I was in a complete state of disbelief. I read 20 minutes into the Holy Father's website and sent his staff an email. Informing them that I wish to join the Church and to study for the priesthood. Let us remind the readers of the commentary of St. Alphonsus on obedience for a vocation. “St. Thomas Aquinas, says, that God, when He gives such vocations, wills that we should not defer even a moment to follow them. Christ requires from us such an obedience that we should not delay an instant.” An apostate, who at the time, was seeking to disrupt the salvation of souls by proclaiming that the Holy Father, Pope Michael, was not the pope. I could not decide who was right, the Holy Father or the apostate. For the sake of my sanity, I decided to take the Holy Father's side. Moreover, I was reading a book on Church history and was inspired by God to write a short historical paper to prove (or disprove) the validity of the papal election of Pope Michael. [Later this rough draft turned into my book24] At the time the only thing I noticed was the lack of charity. But from the lack of charity many consequences has arisen. They are the following: Primary Historical Marks to the Validity to the Papal Election of Pope Michael • Charity (divine love) has slowly grown cold to even indifferent in the hearts of Catholics. Starting after the death of the Apostles to the present. (Matthew 24:12)25 • Due to the lack of charity, there was a Great Apostasy. (Matthew 24:22)26 • Where there is a Great Apostasy, there must be a schism. (II Thessalonians 2:3)27 • Where there is a schism, there must be The Antichrist. (II Thessalonians 2:3) • Where there is The Antichrist there must be a small flock. For the Antichrist will cause a very great number of Catholics to fall away from the faith. (Daniel 12:7)28 • We are then left with a small flock of Catholics. • Where there is a small flock, there must be a leader. (Daniel 12:1) 29 • This leader must be chosen by God. In the Missal we pray for the Roman Pontiff, “O God, the shepherd and ruler of all the faithful, look down favorably upon Thy servant, N., whom Thou hast been pleased to appoint pastor over Thy Church...” Therefore, we must look for a papal election for God appoints His shepherds through this method.
22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 Luke 18:7-8 I cannot remember the exact words. But this is close. History of the Church the Formation of the Apostles of the Latter Times “And because iniquity hath abounded, the charity of many shall grow cold.” “And unless those days had been shortened, no flesh should be saved: but for the sake of the elect those days shall be shortened.” “Let no man deceive you by any means, for unless there come a revolt first, and the man of sin be revealed, the son of perdition.” “And when the scattering of the band of the holy people shall be accomplished, all these things shall be finished.” “But at that time shall Michael rise up, the great prince, who standeth for the children of thy people: and a time shall come such as never was from the time that nations began even until that time.”

8

• • •

Pope Michael was the first one elected to the papacy on 16 th July 1990 after the death of Pius XII. Therefore fulfilled: “But at that time shall Michael rise up, the great prince.” 30 The archangels have been noted by theologians to be in a certain sense to be princes of God. We can presume, however, that Pope Michael is the Prince of God, for he has temporal jurisdiction as St. Peter welded a sword in defense of Jesus Christ in the garden. We can at least say that the Holy Father has 105 acres, ie Vatican City State.

Some secondary marks of the validity of Pope Michael (These marks are not necessary to have but helpful.) If Pope Michael is truly the Pope: • He will have the “spirit of the Lord”. The spirit of the Lord is detachment, holiness, and a continual calling for all to be perfectly sanctified in virtue. “Be you therefore perfect, as also your heavenly Father is perfect.” 31 • He will know the Art of Prayer. That is how to properly acquire the virtue of charity. For all virtues flows from humility, but is perfected in the fires of charity (divine love). “Many shall be chosen, and made white, and shall be tried as fire.” 32 One of the four marks of the Church is holiness. Holiness is tried by fire. • The papal name Michael has never been into the line of the papacy in her two thousand year history. Therefore, Pope Michael fulfills, “the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God, and my new name.” 33 Pope Michael, chose the name Michael, in honor of St. Michael the Archangel and his personal devotion to him. Many Saints, theologians, and religious hypothesis that there will be angelic pastors. Pope Michael was elected on 16 July 1990, the exact same day 936 years ago [1990-1054] which the Eastern Orthodox broke away from the Church.34 There are some that predicted the conversion of the Eastern Orthodox reunification to the Church through the angelic pastors. There will be a universal conversion to the Catholic faith. First predicted in Sacred Scripture and secondly by the Fathers of the Church unanimously. The angelic pastors will spearhead this operation of the Holy Ghost.

• • • •

30 31 32 33 34

Daniel 12:1 Matthew 5:48 Daniel 12:10 Apocalypse 3:12 “At the request of the Emperor Constantine Monomachus, who earnestly desired peace, Pope St. Leo IX sent three legates to Constantinople, but Cerularius obstinately refused to receive them. Thereupon they laid the document containing his excommunication on the altar of St. Sophia in the presence of the clergy and the people with the words 'Let God be the Judge,' and immediately left the city. It was the 16 th of July 1054. All attempts made in the later times by Popes and Emperors, and Councils to reunite the East and West were frustrated by the incurable narrow-minded hatred of the Eastern bishops, clergy, and people.” Church History: A Complete History Of The Catholic Church To 1940

9

The Pope Speaks Blog Post
“We should all listen to the voice of love, the Holy Ghost.” Dear Readers, Whenever I write, I wait patiently for God's inspiration to guide my soul, my heart, my love, and my intellect into writing these pieces. As all should do. No one should force what is not the work of God. For if someone does not wait for the inspiration of God, I fear the work may be done out of self love. I do my very best in writing from my heart. I write about the things that affect me very dearly. To show you my sincerity. We should all listen to the voice of love, the Holy Ghost. Since I have been at home, it has been Hell on earth. I realized how little we are a family. And how little I was loved. This pierces my heart very dearly. Just as Mary, our mother, was pierced with the sword of sorrow, so was mine. Here is an example of the pain I am suffering. My father who was extremely busy at work. My senior year in high school, I was signing up for classes. And it just so happened that my class (05) was able to take three years of physics because they were rearranging the academic classes. My father, when I was signing up for classes, stated: “I did not know you took three years of physics”. My father and my mother were always out of my life, in a certain sense. When I say this, I mean that they did not know me on a personal level. They never knew my deepest secrets. Maybe they never wanted to find out. They never knew that I wanted to become a priest. They never knew how much pain and anguish I had in college from continually studying all the time and never socializing. I would ask myself on street corners, “would it hurt if I were to step out into traffic and get it by a car?” My soul, in college, was in deep pain from engineering. I suffered this pain for my parents. These thoughts sound suicidal, and looking back on it now, probably are. I asked God at the time to help me deal with this. I would either stare across the street or close my eyes wishing a car would swerve off the road to hit me, and hopefully kill me, rather than to suffer what I was going through. These are the secrets my family may never know, but I am disclosing to you. I was a very worldly soul. I wanted to have the perfect life. A perfect wife, job, house, children. A perfect wife. It sounds like an oxymoron today. I never got to socialize any point in my life too much. When I was 7 years old all I thought about was marriage. Finding that perfect woman. The woman who was a devout Catholic. A Catholic woman who would die for her faith rather than to renounce it. A woman that was beautiful in her modesty. I was looking for an innocent virtuous Catholic woman. I was looking for a Saintly woman. A woman untainted by the world and its wretched vile ways. I, however, in the end, never did find that innocent woman. I found only heart breakers and teasers. These women were my only hope, as I look back on it now, trying to find the love that I never properly received from home. I hoped for a woman to comfort me in my sorrows. To hear a woman say, “I love you” and to love her back is what I could only dream about. Since I was 7 years old, I was looking to be loved. Because I could not find it in my parents, I looked for a lady to fall in love with. Maybe she will love me... I pray the younger generations learns from the mistakes my generation made. God used my desire for 10

marriage as a protection to keep my virginity for the priesthood. I was very jealous about my virginity. I deemed it the greatest prize and honor to reserving and preserving my virginity for the woman I would have loved. After receiving the Sacrament of Marriage, I would dream of saying the words, “I preserved my innocence for you.” As I would fall asleep, I would contemplate those beautiful eyes of a woman looking at me with the greatest happiness hearing those words. “Finding out what had happened, and knowing how dearly his son loved Dina, Hemor was eager to remedy the situation. Scripture tells us that the heart of Sichem was bound to Dina. (Genesis 34:3) But the bond was not that strong. It was an empty and fragile love like all worldly loves, which last all so briefly. God's love is nothing like that. It remains and never departs from the soul it has entered. It continues to unite and bind the soul to the Divine Majesty not for two or three days like worldly love, but for all eternity. Worldly love, on the contrary, is foolish, dangerous and worthy of condemnation. It stems from and is sustained by foolishness, silliness and stupidity.” - St. Francis De Sales Instead, a much more beautiful gift was given to me. The preservation of my virginity. I can say to my Spouse, the Blessed Trinity, “I have preserved my innocence for you.” So shall it be now and for all eternity. Amen. God Bless and Best Regards, Phil Friedl, Catholic Seminarian, Delia, Kansas, USA. Secretary For The Holy Office and to His Holiness Michael I, by the Grace of God, Pope.

11

Sign up to vote on this title
UsefulNot useful