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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt

A ten-minute play by Alena Smith


And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

CHARACTERS:

ADAM, a young man


EVE, a young woman

TIME: The present.

PLACE: A backyard.

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

A backyard littered with broken things.


3:23 PM. There is a picnic table etched
with graffiti. A tent has been pitched.
The tent is camp-green with beige
streaks of dirt. It has a mosquito-net
window in front. This makes no
difference. Inside the tent, wild
humping ensues. After a scream and a
sigh, a young man, ADAM, emerges
from the tent, full of pride and shame.
He is dressed in an offensively
stereotypical Indian Chief costume.

ADAM
(stretching) Ahhh. The Holocaust hasnt happened yet! Lets smoke a Nat
Sherman party cigarette. A Nat Sherman party cigarette would be simply gay.
(aside) Just so you know, this is a replica. Copy of a copy. Handed down
through the generations, bit worse for the wear, no biggie, you know how it is,
you feel me. (back in the scene) Ahhh. I love sex!

From inside the tent, a young womans


voice.

EVE
Im masturbating with a contact lens!

ADAM
You go, girl!

EVE
Business trip. Business trip to Scottsdale. Oh yeah, motherfucker, Scottsdale!

ADAM
(aside) You got any questions, you come to me. Ill give you the dope. Denzel
Washington? Denzel Washington was an experiment. You heard.

The woman emerges from the tent. She


wears a hula girl costume.

EVE
Why dont you ever rape me anymore?

ADAM
I dont know, velcro?

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

EVE
You should tape an asterisk to your forehead.

ADAM
Keep a diary, ho.

EVE
Who is she? Who is the other woman? I saw. I saw the polaroids.

ADAM
No shit, Sherlock. You took the polaroids.

EVE
Youre a frequently asked question!

ADAM
Youre trying to get me to rape you.

EVE
I can do anything. I get emails from God.

Beat. Then, in unison:

ADAM EVE
I play an instrument. I can name types of haircuts.

They kiss.

ADAM
Ahhh.

EVE
Im going back in the tent. Meet me in there if you want to you-know-what.

ADAM
Time keeps slipping by. I remember how beautiful my mother used to look
when she was as tall as that tree. She was the one who encouraged me to go into
architecture. Now Im afraid the world is coming to an end!

EVE
Look at my breasts. They go from reel to reel.

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

ADAM
Remember that day when we were ten years old and we went out into the woods
behind your house? By dinnertime we were in the basement watching sitcoms
and I had thirteen dog ticks stuck to my legs engorged with blood. Was that
some kind of omen?

EVE
I used to belong to you. You were a cult and I was your only member. Every
moment with you was a sacred festivity. When I look back at how we used to be,
its like peering into a tunnel to some ancient civilization. You and I dancing in
heavenly arrangements of fireflies, nakedness, hair, and grass. Then I ask
myself, what am I remembering?

ADAM
All I can normally think of are individually packaged plastic bowls of gourmet
salad with goopy dressing.

EVE
Yeah, so I was all, I like to party, and I can be a bitch.

ADAM
Walk around with your bra too tightit don matter, you still gon get fucked
tonight.

EVE
Yeah, I was like, Im sorry but, I like to party, and I can be a bitch.

ADAM
When I have anxiety attacks it feels like a hundred cigarettes stubbing out on my
heart.

EVE
At least you know what it feels like. At least you feel it.

ADAM
I walk down the aisles asking myself, do I have a short shelf life? Do I have a
short shelf life?

EVE
We have to talk.

Beat.

Im pregnant.

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

Beat.

I mean Im dying.

Beat.

I mean Ive gotten accepted to a three-week summer program in Paris through


NYU and Im leaving in a month.

Beat.

Im sorry, Adam. My parents are making me go.

Beat.

Will you wait for me?

ADAM
(aside) Years have gone by. It is later in the afternoon. Sunset stains the sky.
The backyard is now painfully beautiful. We have grown up and begun to fulfill
our potential. Life remains a pressing consideration. We are anxious, but we
have a good feeling near our bones. I don an apron. She ties back her hair.
Together we flap open a tablecloth and lay it down gently over the picnic table.
We hear some pleasant jazz. (To EVE, having accomplished all of this business as
described) What if the dinner conversation runs amok?

EVE
Ill forget what to do with the napkins and hide under the table instead.

ADAM
Werent we supposed to get a dog?

EVE
Maybe our skill sets are up in the treetops.

ADAM
Did we get married already?

EVE
Is our backyard on backwards?

ADAM
Well, Ill put the clock on the grill.

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

EVE
Okay, lets see, I peppered the car chase, I salted the bank heist, I marinated the
missing woman and the murder clues are on ice.

ADAM
What did I do with the shot of the staircase from the birds-eye view?

EVE
You grilled it.

ADAM
To impress my boss, I remember that episode.

EVE
Were getting nothing done. Nothing accomplished. We need to hurry up if
were going to make ends meet. We owe it to ourselves this Memorial Day. We
killed the Jews, we got our diplomas, we made a bird-feeder out of trash. We
thought it would be cute but in the end we lost everything.

Beat.

And after that, you look back, and you realize it never meant anything in the first
place. The questions you always used to ask were nothing but lullabies. Who
am I supposed to care about? Every moment is hollow. Every image is cheating
on you. People hate each other so much they think about fucking all the time.

ADAM
I was part of a Zeitgeist and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

EVE
I dont have the strength to put those flamingo stickers on my calendar.

ADAM
Just once Id like to meet a woman who isnt secretly writing short stories.

EVE
Id like to have sex with a hologram but you dont see me blaming the
silverware.

ADAM
Theyll be here shortly. When shall we tell them that the baby is false?

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And all I got was this lousy t-shirt Alena Smith

EVE
That happened already. That wont be a new event.

ADAM
But what will we do in its place?

EVE
Im too exhausted to fill all the places that already exist.

ADAM
But then what are we doing here?

EVE
Waiting for someone to fill our place.

ADAM
It seems like life is just a listless tube cut in slices.

EVE
Ahhh.

ADAM
I love when we communicate.

EVE
Am I supposed to have children? Am I supposed to have energy? Am I
supposed to say thank-you? Am I supposed to pray? Am I supposed to desire?
Am I supposed to pre-heat the oven? I can follow the instructions, just give them
to me.

ADAM
We just have to see what happens.

EVE
But when do we get to stop?

ADAM
Lets pretend were homeless for a second.

They pretend to be homeless as the sun


sets.

End.

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