RAVEN HELL BLACK
Pain…So sharp and deep that I can’t compare it with nothing else. It’s eating me from inside, it’s eating my soul, my heart; takes every corner of my body. And Suffer? It is something that I can’t describe. Thousands of pictures at once, coming in a flash of a moment…Torched faces, fear, sorrow…All those feelings suddenly came in like an explosion. I hear voices inside my head, the noise, my adrenaline raises, I feel a pressure, and there’s no way out. Visions of the past and the future, all together in one moment…And then…It all stops. The poison is running out from each pore, every crack on my body. Blood flows in creeks, a relief is crossing my entire being…Faces disappear, voices silent and then…The darkness. Dark be front of my eyes. There’s nothing else there… I woke up lying on the floor. Bright light tries to blind me. A grey shadow is standing above me, it whispers with its evil voice, and I don’t understand it. I close my eyes to see the darkness again, but the light is not letting me do that. I open my eyes and the shadow is gone. Now I can see clearly. I feel some kind of force raising me up from the floor. I’m sitting now. Silence is around me. I look down on my palms, and dark red color blinds me. Blood was all over me. My hands, my wrists and my palms were covered with blood. A shock carried by some kind of power crossed my entire body like electricity and his strings like the devil’s claws stabs into my mind. I feel like every vein every atom in my body is pulsing. I feel warm liquid coming out of my nose. I raise my arm to stop it, but before I done that; liquid came down on my lips and I feel the taste of my own blood. Big drops of that sweet liquid felled on the floor with such force that I could hear them spreading to pieces when it touched the ground. I look around myself and see more drops, and one bigger stain of blood where I was lying. Different thoughts came on my mind. And questions came with them too. What is going on? Am I dead? Where this blood comes from? But there was no answer. I’ve decided to rise up, but with the first movement of my body I felt tired. Tire so big that I had feeling like someone took all my life force.
I came back to sit again. My body bowed back by touching cold wall, and the pain that hit me than was unbelievable. The wall was cold and my backs were hot like they were burned. The light on the seal looked less blinding almost choked. My look crosses entire room. I’m in my bathroom. But how did I get here? I raise my hand to the locker and I try to stand up again. I’ve felt dizzy. Soon my strength was coming back to me and it helped me to rise on my feet. I’ve looked myself in the mirror. The blood from my nose stopped. I’ve opened the beam of warm water that created mist in the air. I’ve looked at my arms under that beam to wash the blood. And it was taking off already with the first touch of the water by leaving a red mark in the sink. My arms and my wrists were covered with big cuts, like the one from the knife. By washing all the blood of my hands I could see clearly all the marks on my arms. Those were crosses; small crosses one next to another. Where did that come from? Did I done this to me? Fear woke up again inside me. I’ve washed my face and took off my bloody clothes. I’ve turned my back to the mirror and see huge bloody scars all over them; huge crosses and lines like whip marks. The same marks were on my legs. I was sitting in the tub full of warm water that came in my every pore and every wound in my body, by making me feel burning and fire heat. But I’ve felt relief. Fear covered my entire being and I’ve started to shake, I’ve wanted to scream but there was no voice coming out. Tears are the only that didn’t betrayed me; they were coming out like the rain, crossing my cheeks, over my lips and falling down on the water. The blood was gone, but the wounds were left, like the tracks a mark that should remind me to something. But what? What really happened to me? Are the words of the Prophet finally becoming true? Is she somehow connected with this? Just a thought on her words and meanings blood froze in my veins. I’ve remembered hours of pain and tears spilled because knowing that I’m marked for my entire life and that Fate has created different plans for my future. This all would not happen that there was no poison. The poison that I brought in me without knowing. And that this poison was inside of me all this time, torching me, destroying me piece by piece. Until Prophet let him out and relief all that was inside of me till now. I was on the edge of death, I was prepared to leave this world, but it looks like the Fate decided to stick her fingers in it. My life moved with another direction and I was born again.
It all started fifteen years ago. I was a kid, I’ve enjoyed in games, all exciting things that made me happy. I had lots of friends, people that I cared about, I had a normal life. From the outside. But from the inside under the surface and disguise of happy girl was a completely different person. Knowing that there is something so evil and filthy, something so cruel and discussing out there waked a completely different creature in me. Happiness and joy was replaced by sorrow, pain and fear from surrounding. Two opposite personalities in one fragile being. I still shake on the very first thought of that creature, that man, his face full of scars the smell of his old skin, and his endless desire and hunger of passion to innocent and pure creature. His filthy, rough hands ripped skin of an innocent child, that wasn’t aware of what is going on. But one moment of his distraction helped me escape. I ran and ran like he’s coming after me. I’ve looked back all the time to see his dirty hands trying to grab me, to finish what he started. But he wasn’t there. By crossing my house doors I was safe, but not completely. Wherever I looked wherever I’ve turned his shadow was haunting me. Even the water couldn’t wash away his smell on me. I’ve felt so helpless and weak, still caught in of what happened. The secret stays with me. No one would believe me. My nightmares just started. I’ve met him every day, I’ve listened his threats, and dirty words that were eating my soul. Anger was growing in me; I’ve felt this great hunger for revenge. But what can ten year old kid do to a fifty year old man? Slowly I was closing myself between the walls of my own world. Soon my world became my reality and my safety. It was a world without evil, greed, anger, human filth, and without evil creatures. I’ve decided what will happen in this world. But deep inside of my conscience his character wasn’t leaving me alone. He continued to haunt me. The more I ran, the more he was after me. I’ve thought that I will forget this with time, that I’ll forget that he exists, but that was impossible. It was eating me from the inside. Piece by piece a part of me was vanishing. My life changed forever.
All I used to love and had felled down in the abyss. It braked apart like a card house. Dreams became nightmares ideas were gone it all became so grey, so hopeless. Suddenly I’ve rejected everything. I couldn’t avoid another meeting with him. This time greed, evil and lust were speaking from him. His hunger to taste something innocent and completely pure was coming out from every pore of his body. The words that came out of his mouth left scars inside of me; the scars that I’ll carry my whole life. That day the rage came out of me, the rage that was deep inside of me this whole time, it was collecting power and strength to reach out on the surface. My words that were spoken then, although they were weak for him, they were strong for me, but not strong enough to send him away from me. His evil laugh still bounces in my head. He knew he was stronger than me and he liked it. He enjoy in it. I was ashamed, weak and I’ve felt useless. His terrorizing continued. I had a feeling that I’m loosing my mind and that I’m gonna have a nerve breakdown. But in those darkest thoughts a light came to me; a light that saved me. I’ve started to write stories. To imagine things and acts where I’m the main character, a hero that lives in a perfect world where everything is possible. Soon I’ve started to close up myself into that world. Days were passing by, people changed, but I stayed the same person I used to be; surrounded by the shield that no one can reach through. A person that existed before, was gone deep inside of my conscience, somewhere I couldn’t hear her scream, cry for help. I was too weak. People noticed that I’m changing, but they didn’t know the reason. I did. I’ve tried to hide the truth about what really was my problem, although it was eating me from the inside. That brought me new problems. My study, and school, my attitude, and relation to other people were changed. I reach the limit. My parents realized that something is going on with me but they didn’t know what it is. Many times they tried to talk with me, but with n success. New person took control over me. Her lies send people away. I’ve lost my friends and my parent’s trust. Completely normal conversations turned into screaming, shouting and anger; and the anger turned into rage.
Although these kinds of situations were often in my family, my new behavior added more fire into it. Soon I’ve felt the real rage and anger of my parents and their real face. Hits, curses, bad names, molesting and abuse became the part of my life. The person that did all these things to me was my mother. I hated her for everything that she done to me. The scream, the pain, that burning feeling from the strong hit on my skin, and that wild look on her face when she forced me to beg for mercy, became my every day routine. But she didn’t care about my tears and begging, she hit me until the rod brake from the force of her hits. Soon, the fear woke up in me. I’ve started to afraid of the sound of her voice, her being, and even when I tried to make things how she wants them, just one thing was enough for another punishment; for another hit. I didn’t care anymore. I’ve lost my will for life; I couldn’t hide in my own world anymore. All doors around me were closed, and her rage was getting bigger, day by day. Caused by complete different things and problems, she found relieve in beating me, she wreak her rage on me. A rod was replaced by the belt. And it’s not just any belt; it was a big, yellow leather belt with an iron buckle. She closed the door so that no one can hear my crying, my screams, my begging for her to stop…But she didn’t stop. My screaming from the pain, begging and crying, didn’t mean anything to her. The person that hit me then, that molested me, forever stopped being my mother. Her rage grew bigger, day by day. Just the sound of door closing and the sound of belt bucket wake the fear in me, a fear that paralyzed me. She would put the chair in the middle of the house and forced me to knee down be front of her. She would take off my pants and hit me everywhere, over my legs, my butt, my back, my arms, my head… And the worse thing is that my father watched this and he didn’t stop her; he didn’t even try… My younger brother was crying, because he felt sorry for me, and even his begging for her to stop didn’t help. When I tried to report her for child molesting, my father caught me and beat me too. I always loved him more than her, maybe because we were same in some way. But then my vision about him as a person that I liked the most became to wipe away.
The time came when I couldn’t bear these hits. Scars and bruises I succeed to hide, they will vanish with time, but scars inside of me, were left forever, as a reminder on evil, pain and suffering that destroyed my childhood.
It was the end of my eight grade. I was older, but I was still frightened girl, that stand on the crossroad of her life. The hits I get that day I shall remember as long as I live. The belt was cracking over my naked skin, until the bucket break off from it, by leaving me a bloody marks. I kneeled down on the chair and cried, moaned, tried to catch my breath from that pain. I’ve plunged my nails into the chair with such force that they bleed. The pain was unbearable. As soon she heard me scream, she grab me for my hair and dropped me on the floor, she hit me with her legs, her fists over my back and my head. She grabbed me for my chests and dropped me to the wall, where I hit with my head. She completely lost her control… The rage blinded her. I couldn’t stand this anymore, pain was tearing me, the cry was suffocating me… I beg her to stop, I beg her to kill me, I couldn’t stand that, and I couldn’t bear more hits. And when I said that, she kicked me with her leg to shut me up. Then, the first time in my life I’ve took some courage and said to her what I really feel. I told her that I hate her from the bottom of my soul, that she has never been a mother to me, and that she doesn’t deserve to be called a mother. She continued to hit me… After some time my father stand up and tried to stop her. She didn’t want it. So he took the belt off her hands and pushed to side and let me to escape in my room… Although that was the last time she hit me on that kind of way, her molesting was continued. A fear took over me completely. And it took me in such way that even the smallest sound of someone’s voice scared me to death… To be continued…