Composted on Monday

Many years back a lady I knew told me a story about one of
her Mondays. She was out in her garden happily planting
away, listening to the sounds of little lambs cavorting in the
paddock next door, and the sound of birds singing away. It
was tupping time - the time when the rams are put in with
the ewes to make well... more little lambs and next year's
export dinners. That was okay. All of the rams were in with
the ewes, the garden was doing well and.......then there was
the crashing sound. Little did she know one of the fence
posts had come to the end of its life and had rotted out. She
had been spotted by one particular ram who 'rammed' his
way through the entire fence then 'rammed' her in her rear
end with his big thick woolly head which in turn sent her
flying up into the air straight into the compost heap—head
first. I'm not kidding either. Let's just say the next day that
same ram was hanging on a hook in the
chiller....wonder...why.

one small jersey cow determined to make certain her
hooman knew she was around. Other cows would head
straight for the road and see you later. But not the Terrorist.
No she decided her 'mummy' needed a hair trim. Next thing
I know there she is beside me at the mail box eating my hair!
OUCH! It hurt too. Worse were the horns sticking into my
read end while I was trying to get the mail out. Then she
decided to lick me with her sandpaper tongue.

Ever had a cow follow you to your
mailbox?
Okay I have had a cow follow me to the mail box.
The Terrorist got out recently and I forgot she was around
the outside house that morning. Typical of me to go out
With cats trying to trip me up, and Maggie trying to peck at
stomping in my gumboots, open the gate and walk up to the
the mail I had in my hand back we went through the gate
mailbox. Of course I find the usual bills waiting for me—oh
Terrorist reattached to my clothing ..said gate was closed in
joy.
a hurry. It was too funny not to cartoon and make fun of
what was a very funny event.
That morning I had extra company. Other than two cats, and
four chickens that usually accompany me on that short
journey up to our rural mail box, I was joined by the
Terrorist. Stupid had left the gate open, and out had come

wire while Mum stomped up and down all over the farm
checking the earthing rod wires and all the connections. Finally we got the mains back on..and hoped like heck Micah
stayed where he was put. So far so good..but I won't hold my
breath there. If he gets out again..only one decision will be
made. Into my freezer he will be going..grrrr. I'm surprised I
wasn't reported for illegal nuclear meltdowns, freak storms,
Co2 emissions and other environmentally unfriendly acts not
to mention the cattle stick I had waving around. After this I
have to admit it definitely was a bad hair day.

The Red Devon from Hell

My Thursday Comedy Act
Farming is the life for meeeeee!!!! Hmmm...................

This is the story of one Red
Devon cow with the name
of Ruth – but I renamed her
the Tart. This cow was
shock proof, fence proof
and everything else proof.
The Tart had brains. That’s
bad in a cow that means
only one thing on a farm –
trouble and lots of it

. They talk about farm stories. Nice tales of long summer days
and lovely long walks out on the country road. Try that here
and you'll end up getting flattened by a passing milk tanker
This bovine had brains and
or a four wheel drive if you walk on our roads. As for one
the trouble making nature that usually results in the hacked
paritcular Thursday.....ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
off owner sending the thing off on the truck to the works. Not
this one – too good for that.
This is one farm story that is more liked a crazed comedy
Started off as a yearling the old break out through the back
from a Laurel and Hardy show or a really bad Hong Kong
fence trick and end up in the neighbours forestry block for
Kungfu movie perhaps.
three months. Took five motorbikes and the boys next door to
get her out.
It began with our bull deciding he would go and introduce
himself to some of Terry's milking herd, who fortunately
Then there was the electric fence immunity. Same old story.
were safely behind a 6 wire electric fence and well out his
Move the cattle – and the Tart would head straight out and
reach. Up we trudged to get the little sod, who of course,
under into the garden. We had her for a couple of years. She
looked so innocent and came when he was called. Then right
had a nice calf then my mother decided it was time the Tart
behind him Peter, Terry's farm manger, showed up on his
and her sister had to be sold. Oh yeah she was trouble all
quad and gave the sod a damned good rev up. Thanks to Peright. Got the Tart yarded….and things went downhill rapter we got the little beggar back behind the gates and where
idly from there. She must have known she was headed off for
he should be and that should have been that..right?...wrong
other pastures.
I set up a new break feed. Had just gone in to have a coffee
with my Mum when Sasha our old thoroughbred mare decided to have a roll and she caught her leg in the electric wire.
Of course she got shocked and bolted dragging the wire with
her and ripping everything out. Let's just say the words that
came out of mouth needed a lot of censors in that moment.
After roaring myself hoarse (excuse the pun) for the kids to
turn off the fence and get their backsides up the drive to help
me deal with getting back the bull and River back in - we
sorted that one out...
Problem solved....NO!!!!!!!!!!!

There was me and the kids about to head on back down home
now the cattle were yarded when we heard a loud cracking
sound. Sure enough the Tart had smashed her fat red head
through the railings and was in the process of attempting to
do the jail break. No way was I going to let that happen. So
there we were- me with a cattle stick and the kids with hunks
of rubber pipe running around the outside of the yards trying
to stop this nutcase red cow from getting out. Every gap possible the Tart tried to break through including a five wire
fence. Talk about nuts! Finally the truck turned up and the
guy wasn’t too keen to take on a hacked off bovine nutcase
with escape on her mind. Yeah I got the job and booted the
Tart all the way up the loading ramp and into the truck.

An hour later yet again!!! Guess what? We have the entire
fence ripped out, and yet again, the bull was out and in my
And like those rotten sheep we got rid of – I won’t ever miss
mother's garden. By then I was ready to go and get a gun and
her. Take a lesson from me. If you end up with a nutcase cow
drop him where he stood. I'm surprised steam wasn't coming
with brains – eat it.
out of my ears. Yet again it was up the darned hill. Fix the
fence then find out why the mains fence wasn't working
properly. Sorted the connections out. Poor Inaya had to stand
in the cold wind with a huge stick to keep the bull off the

attempting to round up the two woolly
sods.
“No need” I tell 'em. Cows are suspicious of
the two new
humans in their paddock..and won't shift
out. Of course they won't they don't like
strangers - but love their "mummy". Easy to
solve. Call cows - cows follow - woolly sods
do the typical ovine follow the leader
act..heh heh heh..... Get cows into yarding
paddock with woolley sods now realising
they have been duped..and attempting to do
the runner. Unsuccessful of course. We
yarded the sods!!!
Cut out the now hacked off ovine beggars
and ran them up the crush.
Now the fun part.....getting the heavy
woolly beggars into the back of the van.
Master Cavalier was first on the list. Nabbed
This story is literally about packing away a certain species
him by the wool rope on - Kyra and Rachel both trying in vain
known as ovine aka sheep into the back of an SPCA van. Well to shove said sheep into the van. Help required. Two on back
they were close to making it there after busting out several of end while avoiding being crapped on - one attempting to take
insulators and letting two of the heifers out. Let's just say my front end. Trouble was the fleece on the sod was so long we
mother wanted a very big gun when she got home and found couldn't find the legs. Solution tip sheep over - bad idea her newly planted garden turned into the exact replica of a
sheep ends on standing on head. Reversed sheep back. Sheep
WWII battle field. The cause all the havoc - two walking carsulks. Won't move....darn. Kyra can't get in to pull sheep forpets with fleeces several inches long no set of shearing blades ward. I'm smaller get in with sheep. Grab ears and pull head
would get a look in on. After having a chat with the local
forward. Find a leg...move leg. Grab fleece..sheep
SPCA the two girls Kyra and Rachel showed up one cloudy
heavy...shove mutter..yank..ouch my back...Kyra and Rachel
winter's day to tell yours truly they had a nice kind home for shoving from sheep's rear end.....ten minutes later...sheep now
our unwanted woolly ovine pals. I hate sheep. Cattle I'll take
in. I sit on sheep. Comfortable...take rope off sheep get out.
any day over those dumb useless ovine creatures then again
Lock in first sheep. Back now killing me. Everyone totalled.
they did give us a few laughs. Problem - catching the beggars. Now for the next one....Three grab sheep two (Master BremBut wait...I had a cunning plan...
worth) Lift sheep off ground...our aching
backs.....are...killing...us....mutter..whine..complain..Sheep gets
The second part of this sorry little saga begins with..Kyra and the drift. Stands up on front legs. Gumboots used to shove
Rachel from the SPCA turning up with a van. Well I'm used to sheep in the rest of the way. Sheep locked in....mission comseeing sheep in stock trailers not..a van? They eye the two
pleted. Kyra and Rachel get in van and drive away with the
woolly sods staring back up there on the hill.........as for me
two woolly sods sulking in the back.
well I'm used to dealing with sheep and their obnoxious habit
of running everywhere but where you want the sods to go. I
I won't miss them.
had a plan so cunning ..and to quote the famous Black Adder
himself
"I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a
weasel." Thanks Black Adder.
The cunning plan involved the following.
Item 1 - one times set of yards.
Item 2: Two kids and Mum. Item
Three: Three Bovines who think they are people and last but
not least ..
Item 4 SPCA Inspectors and their van.
And the story continues. Kyra and Rachel headed up the top
in their van much to my poor mother's dismay that perhaps
this visit wasn't about anything good. No all good - thing was
would the cunning plan work? I follow with kids.
Head over to Terry's place -close off the gates and open up the
yards. Head back to where Rachel and Kyra are now

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