CAL AND GRADY

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2017
INT. CAL, GRADY, AND AGNES’S HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY
CAL (28) is standing and facing a window to the backyard.
GRADY (28) walks in.

GRADY
Dude. What are you doing?
CAL
Look outside. Do you notice
anything unusual?
Grady scans the backyard.
GRADY
You mean that guy lying in the
grass?
BILL (45, black, wearing a suit) is lying face down in the
yard.
CAL
Um. I was gonna say that there’s a
yellow frisbee
(points somewhere)
in that tree.
GRADY
Bro--that’s not a yellow frisbee.
That’s the sun.

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

Cal and Grady stare at Bill.
CAL
Hello?

Bill continues to lie face down in the grass. Cal looks at
Grady. Grady turns Bill over. Bill doesn’t react. Grady
shakes Bill. Bill still doesn’t react. Cal tickles Bill’s
armpit.
CAL
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Again, Bill shows no reaction.
Grady begins to say something to Cal, but he stops. He
pauses for a few seconds. He starts again.
2.

GRADY
Um. By any chance did you kill this
guy last night or this morning, and
leave him here in our backyard?
CAL
Dude--it’s me. Cal. You know I’m
not a murderer. And you know I’m
not racist. So if you take the
logical ad hominem of that eo ipso
facto, you gotta ask yourself,
would I kill a guy, and would the
guy I killed be black? Logically,
if I ever kill a guy, he’s not
gonna be black, nor is he gonna be
dead. And if you repudiate that
premise, the tautological function
of the renumeration is post hoc
ergo propter hoc.
GRADY
I understood about 50% of the words
you just said.
CAL
That’s pretty good. I only
understood about 10% of them. Maybe
you can help me figure out what I
said.
AGNES (80) enters the back yard.
AGNES
Boys. Do you know where our whiskey
is?
GRADY
It’s where it always is, Agnes. You
drank it all.

AGNES
Yeah. It’s like Ben Franklin used
to say: "An apple and ten shots of
whiskey a day blah blah blah blah
blah something something away."

CAL
That’s some good, homsepun American
wisdom.
GRADY
Uh. Agnes. Would you happen to know
why there’s a dead guy in our
backyard?
3.

AGNES
No. But if black people are gonna
start moving into this
neighborhood, then I’m moving out.

GRADY
This guy isn’t moving into the
neighborhood. He’s dead in the
neighborhood. Did you kill him?
AGNES
Certainly not.
CAL
But of the three of us, you’re the
only one who’s racist.

AGNES
But I’m not a murderer. I don’t
want blacks to die. I want blacks
to live. In Africa.
CAL
(to Grady)
Dude. You know what? Let’s do that
CSI thing where you figure out how
someone died.
GRADY
Um. Alright. How do we do that?
CAL
Well. First we need to analyze the
crime scene and collect all the
relevant semen.

He takes two rubber gloves out of his pocket and puts them
on.
GRADY
Um. I don’t think there’s any
relevant semen.
AGNES
Boys. If we want to investigate a
crime, we need to do what Sergeant
Joe Friday used to do on Dragnet.

CAL
Joe Friday didn’t collect the
relevant semen?
4.

AGNES
He collected the relevant facts.
CAL
Well. That sounds a little
unorthodox. But I guess we can try
it out. Let’s do some facts. Fact
one--this dude is dead.
GRADY
Fact two--he’s in our backyard.

AGNES
Fact three--he should go back to
Africa.
CAL
Uh. That’s not really a fact.
AGNES
Well then what is it?

CAL
I don’t know. Conjecture? You gotta
say facts.
AGNES
Fine. Fact three. This guy is
black.
GRADY
Fact four--we didn’t kill him.
CAL
OK. Good investigation, guys. Case
closed.
Cal starts walking towards the door.
AGNES
Um. I think we need to investigate
some more.
CAL
What for?

AGNES
To see if this black guy stole our
TV.
GRADY
He’s dead, Agnes! Dead people don’t
steal stuff.
5.

AGNES
Fine. Case closed.
GRADY
Case open. We need more facts.
Like, um, fact five--this guy isn’t
bleeding.
AGNES
Fact six--this guy isn’t white.

CAL
Fact seven--I’m hungry.
GRADY
Me, too. Let’s order a pizza. Also,
let’s call the cops, and tell them
about this dead body.
CAL
I’m on it, bro.
Cal takes out his phone.

CAL
(on phone)
What up, cops? There’s a dead guy
in our backyard. And, like, we
didn’t kill him. So, yeah. Can you
come pick him up? We’re at 127
North Maple Street.
(makes another call)
What up, Papa John? We’re hungry.
Can you send over two large pizzas?
We’re at 127 North Maple Street.
Also, there’s a dead guy in our
backyard.

INT. POLICE STATION INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Cal, Grady and Agnes are seated. Two DETECTIVES (male, 45)
are standing in front of them. Cal is stilling wearing the
rubber gloves form the previous scene.
DETECTIVE 1
What are your names?
AGNES
Agnes Watson.
6.

GRADY
Grady Kaymart.
CAL
Cal Reagan.

He takes a can of beer out of his pocket, and drinks for a
few seconds.
DETECTIVE 1
You’re not supposed to drink beer
in here.
CAL
Why not?
DETECTIVE 1
Because you’re not.
CAL
Even if I’m thirsty?
DETECTIVE 2
Stop drinking that damn beer!
DETECTIVE 1
(to Cal)
By the way--why are you wearing
gloves?

CAL
I don’t want to cross pollinate any
of the semen.
DETECTIVE 1
I see. Let’s just, um--first things
first.
(to the three of them)
How do you three know each other?

GRADY
Well. We live together. And me and
Cal work together.
DETECTIVE 1
What do you do?

GRADY
We’re Matthew McConaughey’s pool
cleaners.
7.

DETECTIVE 1
Uh. Yeah. That sounds about right.
(to Agnes)
And you’re the grandmother of one
of these guys?

AGNES
No. My grandsons are hedge fund
managers. They’re not pool
cleaners. My grandsons make a lot
of money. But just so we’re clear,
they’re not Jews. Absolutely not.
They’re 100% non-Jew. In fact,
every week I send them a bottle of
Castrol GTX motor oil, and I tell
them to rub it on their bodies in
order to protect against Jew
wizardry.
DETECTIVE 1
... I see. Um. So, I mean, how do
you know
(referring to Cal and Grady)
these two guys?
AGNES
They live at my home. They pay me
$25 a month in rent.

GRADY
Yeah. ’Cause Agnes believes in 1964
prices.
AGNES
1964. The good ol’ days, before
that troublemaker Martin Luther
King started making trouble.
CAL
Agnes. Martin Luther King is an
American hero. If it weren’t for
him getting on the Mayflower with
Abraham Lincoln and discovering
America, there would be no America.
GRADY
Yeah. We’d be living in Canada, and
there would be mooses everywhere. I
hate mooses. Any time I see one, I
punch it in the face.
8.

DETECTIVE 2
Fellas--can we please just focus
on Bill O’Donnell?!
CAL
Who’s he?
DETECTIVE 2
The dead guy who was in your
backyard.

GRADY
What do you want to know about him,
bro?
DETECTIVE 2
How did he end up dead in your
backyard?
CAL
That’s a tough question to answer.
DETECTIVE 2
I’ll make it easy. Multiple
choice. A: the tooth fairy put Bill
O’Donnell in your backyard. Or B:
You guys killed Bill O’Donnell.
CAL
I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.
AGNES
Don’t do it, Cal. Any time you buy
a vowel, the Jews take a $200
commission. Damn Jews. I will say
this, though. Adam Sandler has a
really nice ass.
DETECTIVE 1
I’m sure he does. But let’s just
focus on Bill O’Donnell, and how
you three killed him. Go ahead and
describe the murder.
GRADY
Wait a second. Hold the phone, bro.
If I’ve learned anything from Young
Jeezy, it’s this: never say nothing
to the police.
CAL
That’s true. Young Jeezy fo life.
9.

DETECTIVE 2
Who in the blue moon is Young
Jeezy?
CAL
Well. He’s this rapper who...
GRADY
Cal. Don’t tell this popo nothing.
According to Young Jeezy, there are
only three things you should say to
the police. Number one: I didn’t do
nothing. Number two: I want to talk
to a lawyer. And number three: kiss
my black ass.
CAL
Right. Yeah.
(to Detectives)
I didn’t do nothing.
GRADY
(to Detectives)
I want to talk to a lawyer.
AGNES
(to Detectives)
Kiss my black ass. ... Wait a
second. That didn’t sound right.

INT. POLICE STATION (MISC. ROOM) - DAY
Cal, Grady, and Agnes are seated at a table with their
LAWYER (male, 40).
LAWYER
OK. I’m your court-appointed
attorney.

CAL
What is that supposed to mean?
LAWYER
Excuse me?
CAL
The words you said. I didn’t
understand them. What do they mean?
LAWYER
They mean, I’m your lawyer.
10.

GRADY
How much do we have to pay you?
LAWYER
Nothing.

CAL
You must be a pretty shitty lawyer.
AGNES
(to Cal)
Here’s the best way to see if this
guy’s a good lawyer.
(to Lawyer)
Are you Jewish?
LAWYER
Yes.
AGNES
(to Cal)
He’s a good lawyer. Jews are good
lawyers. Damn Jews. I also don’t
care for blacks and Saudi Arabians.
LAWYER
Hm. OK. Well. Uh. Anyways. As you
might imagine, this is gonna be the
biggest trial of the year.

CAL
Why would we imagine that?
LAWYER
You know. Because this case
involves Bill O’Donnell.
CAL
Who is this Bill O’Donnell
character we keep on hearing about?

LAWYER
He’s the Secretary of State.
CAL
The state has a secretary?

GRADY
Probably. I mean, who else is gonna
make coffee for the governor?
11.

LAWYER
The Secretary of State isn’t a
secretary who gets coffee. He’s a
politician.

CAL
Politician? Is he the President?
LAWYER
No. He’s the Secretary of State.

CAL
... The state has a secretary?

INT. PRISON CELL - DAY

Cal and Grady are in a prison cell containing a bunk bed.
CAL
So who gets top bunk?
GRADY
I don’t know.
CAL
You know what we should do? Take
the mattresses and sheets, and use
all of them to build a fort.

GRADY
Dude. Can we please talk about our
murder trial?
CAL
Are you saying you don’t want to
build a fort?
GRADY
Of course I want to build a fort!
That’s a great idea! But we also
need to put together a legal
strategy for our trial.
CAL
I have an idea. Forensics.

GRADY
What about forensics?
CAL
Like, um, testimony.
12.

GRADY
What are you talking about?!
CAL
I’m just brainstorming ideas.

GRADY
All you’ve done so far is say the
words "forensics" and "testimony."
CAL
They’re both legal words. I’m
exploring legalities and
jurisdictions and stuff like that.
So, like, yeah. Forensics,
testimony, relevant semen, lawyer,
dashiki, evidence, Chiquita banana,
alibi...
GRADY
Alibi! We can use that. Good work,
bro. We’ll talk about where we were
when that murder took place.

CAL
Right. ’Cause, like, if we were in
Australia, then how could we have
killed that secretary? He wasn’t in
Australia.

GRADY
Neither were we.
CAL
Where were we?

GRADY
America.
CAL
Well then where was the secretary?

GRADY
America.
CAL
Yeah. But maybe we were in
different parts of America.
GRADY
Bro. We were in the exact same part
of America. Our house.
13.

CAL
Great. That’ll make it really easy
for us to prove that we killed that
secretary.

GRADY
Damn right it will! But, like, the
thing is, we’re trying to prove
that we didn’t kill that secretary.
CAL
Exactly. So, that’s why we need to
bring in a surprise witness.
GRADY
Who?

CAL
How the hell should I know? It’s a
surprise.
GRADY
It’s a surprise to them. It’s not a
surprise to you.
CAL
Why isn’t it a surprise to me?
GRADY
Because if it’s a surprise to you,
then you’ll be surprising yourself.
CAL
Not if the surprise witness doesn’t
know who I am. I’ll surprise him,
and I’ll beat him at his own game.
GRADY
Hell yeah, bro! If we surprise our
surprise witness, there’s no way
we’re gonna lose this case. Except
if we don’t have good exhibits.
CAL
Yeah. We need good exhibits. But
don’t tell the surprise witness
about our exhibits. We need to
surprise him with our exhibits.
GRADY
Yeah. And then we’ll kick his ass.
14.

INT. PRISON VISITATION ROOM - DAY
Grady is seated on one side of the glass, and BRITNEY (28)
is seated on the other.
GRADY
So. Uh. What’s going on?
BRITNEY
Well. I was watching Inside
Edition today. And guess what they
did a story on?
GRADY
A kitten who can play the
xylophone?

BRITNEY
Yeah. But before that, they did a
story on how you killed the
Secretary of State. So apparently,
I’m engaged to a murderer.

GRADY
Britney. I didn’t kill that guy.
BRITNEY
Grady. Chicken or beef?

GRADY
What?
BRITNEY
What are we gonna serve at our
wedding?

GRADY
I don’t know. Who cares? Chicken.
BRITNEY
Great. Now can we please set a
wedding date?
GRADY
Uh. I’m kind of in jail right now.
I’m not interested in doing wedding
planning. I’m busy working on my
legal defense. It’s gonna take a
lot of exhibits to win this case.
BRITNEY
Is there anything I can do?
15.

GRADY
Well. First of all, I want you to
take a picture of me, and then post
it on my Facebook profile. Prison
photos are freaking badass. Oh--and
under the picture, I want you to
write the words "not guilty of
murder." Actually, no. Write
"guilty of murder." I mean, "guilty
of murder" sounds way more badass
than "not guilty of murder."

BRITNEY
Fine. What’s your Facebook
password?
GRADY
I’m not gonna give you my Facebook
password.
BRITNEY
Why? Is it because women message
you on Facebook? You’re hooking up
with ho’s through Facebook!
In another section of the room, Cal is seated on one side of
the glass, and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is shirtless and seated
on the other side.

CAL
So. What brings you here, Matthew
McConaughey?
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Well. I noticed that you and Grady
didn’t clean my pool today.
CAL
Yeah. We were busy. You know.
Getting charged with, like, um,
homicide.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
I can represent you guys. I mean,
according to my IMDB page, I played
a lawyer in A Time to Kill, and I
played a lawyer in Lincoln Lawyer.
It’s like I’m a double lawyer. It’s
like I’m a second degree black belt
lawyer.
He karate kicks the MAN sitting next to him.
16.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
I’m a great lawyer!
CAL
But, uh, have you ever, like,
studied law?
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Even better. I have a six pack
abdominal muscle, and an Academy
Award.
(starts eating pork ’n beans
out of a can)
You want some pork ’n beans?

INT. COURT - DAY
An arraignment is about to begin. Cal, Grady, Agnes, and the
Lawyer are seated in the defendant’s section. A JUDGE (male,
55) is present.

LAWYER
(to Cal, Grady, and Agnes)
Alright, guys. This is
the arraignment. There’s not much
to it. We just plead not guilty,
and then you go back to jail and
wait for the trial.
GRADY
Pleading sounds like something
that’s for bitches. I’m a man. I
don’t do no pleading.
LAWYER
Pleading is just a legal term.
GRADY
Legal terms are also for bitches. I
don’t mess with plead or legal. I’m
a man. I’ve seen Scarface 474
times.
AGNES
Grady. Please just listen to the
Jew lawyer.
LAWYER
(to Grady)
Uh. Yeah, Grady. Do what she said.

The BAILIFF (enters).
17.

BAILIFF
All rise.
CAL
(to Judge)
Judge. If it pleases the
jurisprudence and Kramer versus
Kramer, allow me to present our
surprise witness.
JUDGE
Sir. This isn’t the trial. It’s the
arraignment.
CAL
What do you mean?

JUDGE
This is just the preliminary
procedure where you plead guilty or
not guilty.
GRADY
Are you calling us a bunch of
bitches?
JUDGE
No.

CAL
Your honor. I’m having trouble
identifying my surprise witness, on
account of the suprisiness of his
witnessation. If it pleases the
jurisprudence of the habeus corpus,
I’d like to move on to exhibit A.
(takes a pen out of his
pocket)
This pen.

JUDGE
This is not the trial! And also,
how the hell is that pen exhibit A?
GRADY
Because. I mean, like, how could we
have used that pen to kill someone?
It’s not sharp enough for that. Let
me show you.
He takes the pen from Cal, and uses it it to stab the Lawyer
in the arm.
18.

LAWYER
What the fuck! Are you crazy?!

GRADY
(to Judge)
You see that, Judge? Even if we
stabbed the secretary with this
pen, we couldn’t have killed him
with this pen.

CAL
Yeah. We stabbed him with the pen,
but we killed him with something
else.

GRADY
No, bro. We didn’t kill him with
anything.
CAL
Yeah. We killed him with our bare
hands.
JUDGE
Are you saying you plead guilty?
GRADY
Hell no! We don’t do none of that
stuff! Me and Cal--we’re real men!
Pleading is for hos, like that guy
Chandler from Friends. He’s an
estrogen factory. I bet he pleads
all day. Fuck that guy.

JUDGE
Yes. I see. Very good. Thank you
for that. But, we need to follow
the proper legal procedure.

CAL
Exactly. Here we go. Exhibit B.
(takes a rope out of his
shirt)
This rope. We couldn’t have used
this rope to strangle the
secretary. I mean, look.
He wraps the rope around the Lawyer’s neck and squeezes.
LAWYER
Ah!
Cal releases the rope.
19.

CAL
See. This lawyer is still alive and
breathing.

JUDGE
Gentlemen--please sit down, shut
your damn mouths, and stop stabbing
and strangling your lawyer.

LAWYER
(to Cal and Grady)
Yeah, guys. Listen to the judge.
GRADY
I don’t listen to guys who wear
robes--unless the robes are for
karate. Is that judge’s robe for
karate?
LAWYER
No.

GRADY
Then fuck him. I’m gonna kick his
ass.
LAWYER
Well. As your legal counsel, I’d
advise you not kick the judge’s
ass.
GRADY
Well. As a guy who kicks people’s
asses, I’d advise myself to kick
your ass.
DENNIS (55) is seated in the court room. He starts clapping
his hands and chanting.

DENNIS
(cheering like a fan at a
basketball game)
Dee-fence! (clap, clap) Dee-fence!
(clap, clap) Dee-fence!

GRADY
Dad. What are you doing?
DENNIS
I’m rooting for your side. Your
side’s on defense right now.
Therefore, dee-fence! (clap, clap)
Dee-fence! (clap, clap) Dee-fence!
20.

JUDGE
(slams his gavel)
Sir. This is a murder
arraignment--not a basketball game.

AGNES
Speaking of basketball, you know
who’s a sexy man? Magic Johnson.
That being said, he’s also a black
son of a bitch.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY AND DENNIS
Dee-fence! (clap, clap) Dee-fence!
(clap, clap) Dee-fence!
JUDGE
(slams his gavel)
Order in the court! Can we please
just focus on these three
defendants who murdered Bill
O’Donnell?!
LAWYER
Objection, your honor. They
allegedly murdered Bill O’Donnell.
JUDGE
Allegedly my ass!

LAWYER
Good point. Objection overruled.
AGNES
(to Judge)
May I say something, please? Let me
just explain how I didn’t kill
anyone.
JUDGE
Ma’am This isn’t the trial. It’s
the arraignment.

AGNES
Well. I’m not familiar with all of
your legal terms. I’m not a Jew
lawyer like
(points to the Lawyer)
this Jew lawyer. Now. Let me just
say this. I think all black people
should go back to Africa. Which
means I didn’t kill the Secretary
of State.
21.

JUDGE
How does it mean that?
AGNES
Because. I’m not the type of person
to kill a black man. I’m the type
of person to give a black man a one
way ticket to Nigeria. And I’d also
tell the airline to substitute his
meal with one watermelon and a
pitcher of Kool Aid.

JUDGE
That is a very interesting story.
Now can you do me a favor and tell
me how you plead?

AGNES
I plead white. Anglo-Saxon.
JUDGE
You can’t plead white!

CAL
Well. What about the Constitution?
JUDGE
What about it?

CAL
It gives Americans the first
appendix right to plead whatever
they want. Right, Grady?
GRADY
Dude. I don’t even believe in the
Constitution. Because, like, the
Constitution gives this idiot judge
the first appendix right to dress
however he wants. And as you can
see, he’s using that right to dress
like a douchebag, with his stupid
robe. So I want to kick his ass.
CAL
Which works out nicely--because the
Constitution gives you the second
appendix right to kick ass. The
second appendix is what checks and
balances the first appendix. That’s
how democracy works.
22.

JUDGE
Listen. Let’s make this nice and
simple. You three defendants have
been charged with murder. I want
each of you to tell me if you’re
guilty or not guilty of that
murder.
GRADY
Not guilty.

CAL
Not guilty.
AGNES
Not guilty.

JUDGE
OK. Great. Now we’ll schedule the
trial.
A COURT OFFICER walks in.

COURT OFFICER
Your honor. Some investigators just
analyzed the forensics from the
murder scene. And it turns out that
Jim Carrey murdered the Secretary
of State.

JUDGE
Wait. What forensics did you
analyze?

COURT OFFICER
The semen. The semen at the crime
scene matches Jim Carrey’s semen.
JUDGE
What? How the hell did the
investigators match the semen with
Jim Carrey’s?
COURT OFFICER
You know how it is. Every time we
find semen at a crime scene, we
check to see if it’s Jim Carrey’s.
And sometimes it is. Jim Carrey
just confessed to killing the
Secretary of State, and dumping the
body in the defendants’ backyard.
23.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
(imitating Jim Carrey)
Alrighty then!
JUDGE
(to Court)
Now, um. I find the defendants
guilty of pissing me off. But,
uh--it looks like they’re not
guilty of murder. You three are
free to go.

CAL
What about our other exhibits? We
brought 173 of them.
GRADY
Dude. No more exhibits. We won the
case.
CAL
Wait a second. Do you know what
that means? It means we got away
with murder!
GRADY
No. We didn’t murder that guy.
CAL
The point is, we’re such good
lawyers, that we could get away
with murder.
GRADY
You know what? That’s true.

Grady takes the rope from before and starts strangling the
Lawyer.

EXT. MATHEW MCCONAUGHEY’S BACKYARD - DAY

Cal and Grady are using nets to clean a pool.
CAL
Dude--the next time we’re on trial
for murder, maybe we can request,
like, to have Judge Judy as our
judge.
GRADY
What are you talking about? Judge
Judy doesn’t do that kind of stuff.
(MORE)
24.

GRADY (cont’d)
She only handles really important
cases, like that one about the
woman who stole a squeegee from her
ex-husband after he stole a box of
tampons from her.
CAL
Well. Whatever. Forget Judge Judy.
I’d rather be on Cops.

GRADY
We were on Cops last week, bro.
Remember that whole thing with the
trail mix, and the surfboard, and
that guy who looked like Hulk
Hogan?

CAL
Right. Yeah. And the Korean woman
who had a potato in her purse.
GRADY
Yeah. That was a good episode.
CAL
If I was an actor, I’d add that
episode to my IMDB page. But, you
know what? I’m not an actor. I’m a
pool cleaner. That’s why instead of
putting that Cops episode on my
IMDB page, I put it on my criminal
record.
GRADY
Yeah. Me, too. I’m not some sissy
actor with an IMDB page. I’m a pool
cleaner with a criminal record.
Matthew McConaughey walks towards them, wearing swimming
trunks and holding a towel.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
Hey, Cal. hey, Grady. Is my pool
clean yet?

GRADY
Five more minutes, you sissy actor.
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
(imitating Jim Carrey)
Alrighty then!