11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.

com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

Society MAGAZINE | MAR 19, 2012

SOCIETY: DIVORCE

Making Quick Work Of What Isnt Working

Some folks wont suffer bad marriageseven for a few months
NAMRATA JOSHI

The Business Of Breaking Up

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 1/6
11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

The trend of rising divorces has fed new online businesses. Like www.divorcelawyers.co.in,
launched by ANZ Lawz. A one-stop shop, it offers help on an assortment of marital issues, from
litigation and child custody to divorce, domestic violence and alimony.
On www.secondshaadi.com divorcees can register to meet other new singles
Ex-Files, Indias first divorce newsletter, available at Mumbai family courts. It offers info on
cases, counselling, support, even dating rules for divorcees.

***

Divorce Trigger

One major causes of people ending marriages is violence, usually by the male. Women wont take
it any longer. Their parents wont either.
Impotence, incompatibility in demands for and expectations from sex, perversions...
Carrying on with ex-flames, jealousy about spouses friends, lies about job, salary...

***

S ouma Seal, 33, comes from a progressive, liberal family of Calcutta and works with a top

international consultancy firm. Though she never grew up nursing the delusion that marriages are
made in heaven, she wasnt averse to marrying either. So, when a seemingly good catch, a US-based
groom, came along, she decided to take the plunge. That was in 2006, when she was 27. A postgraduate
in English literature, she looked forward to a teaching career in the US. Her husband had other plans: of
having her sitting at home, doing nothing. She also found they had nothing in common. Our
incompatibility extended to every sphere. Im an avid reader, he and his family made fun of that. Our
attitude to money differed. I dont mind if someone is frugal, but I dont like miserly behaviour, she
says. And he was not what hed claimed to be: though hed been in the US for long, hed never held a
steady job and had no long-term career plans. In one and half months, she decided to walk out. That
was long enough for me to realise things wouldnt work, she says. Better end such a marriage
immediately than prolong the misery.

Months. Thats again how long it took Rani Dubey (name changed), a 30-year-old media professional
from Delhi, to sever a tie that wasnt working. Only, in her case it was more violent. She found her
husband obsessive, chauvinistic and extremely suspicious from the day they were engaged. But she
held on, hoping he would change. Things deteriorated. He was uncontrollable in his rage, and would
abuse me physically, she recounts. At last, unable to stand the beatings, she ran away to her cousins.
She lodged a complaint with the Crimes Against Women cell and filed for divorce. And within a year,
the marriage was over.

Sometimes its not about violence. Soumik Pal, a 35-year-old Mumbai surgeon, met his wife, a Tamilian
and also a doctor, when they were in medical college. They married after a short courtship. But soon,
Pal realised it was impossible to live with an extremely domineering woman. He felt she always
wanted him to do things her way. Adding fuel to the fire were the many cultural differences, likes and
dislikes in food and so on. The last straw was when Pal realised her family in Pondicherry wanted them
to settle there. In three months, he decided to end the marriage and be on his own.

Souma, Rani and Soumik are not aberrations. They are a small but growing breed of urban Indians who
are opting out of bad marriages quicklyrather too quickly by old reckonings, without necessarily
allowing time for relationships to mature and settle, as the old-timers would have it, with all the

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 2/6
11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

negotiation and adjustment it entailed. Even so, a break-up can never be easy: it is always painful and
often a battleground of emotions. But for them, its a matter of avoiding more agony and suffering.
Nobody wants The End, but theres no reason to stay emotionally tied down to a status quo, says
Sadhana Vohra, a psychologist.

For some years now, divorce cases in urban India have been on the rise, but what counsellors are noting
of late is that the fault-lines in marriages seem to be appearing far more quickly. The time couples are
willing to spend trying to work it out is getting shorter, says Ruma Ghosh of Relations, a marriage and
divorce counselling agency in Calcutta. Dr Vijay Nagaswami, a psychiatrist who counsels couples, says,
In the last five years, I have met many couples seeking divorce within a month or six monthseven a
couple of weeksof marriage. Often, women take the lead.

I n India, with familial and social pressure to sustain a marriage, however bad it may be, divorce has

always been the last option. But now, at least among educated, urban Indians, its fast becoming the first
choice of couples trapped in traumatic marriages. This despite Indian laws having never been divorce-
friendly: couples cant file for divorce before one year of marriage, and even for a divorce by mutual
consent, they must have remained separated for a year. Courts even played the role of counsellors and

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 3/6
11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

kept asking couples to try to make it work, says Jayanta Narayan Chatterjee, an advocate at the Calcutta
High Court. Even as recently as in 2005, Justice Amit Talukdar of the high court had sent a couple to
Digha, a beach resort in Bengal, telling them to try and work it out. However, courts are taking a more
realistic view, and divorce is becoming more accessible, says Chatterjee.

And people are indeed walking out, and then waiting for the divorce. Comprehensive figures are hard to
come by, but counsellors and lawyers across India say there are many pointers to a general increase in
divorce rates. In 2004-05, Delhi had two or three matrimonial courts. Now there are 17-20 and theyre
still finding it difficult to cope, what with about 40 new cases being listed every day, says Osama
Sohail, a partner with legal firm ANZ Lawz. Nibedita Roye, an advocate from Alipore, says, On any
given day, there are more matrimonial cases heard in the courts than even property-related cases.
Most of these cases are by mutual consent, that is, they are uncontested and get disposed of quicker.

Theres another factor: in quick divorce cases, couples usually dont have children, so maintenance or
custody issues do not add to the dispute. In fact, its plain to see this as a goading factor: people in a bad
marriage are likely to want to avoid the complications children would bring rather than wait long
enough and invite it. Hence the haste. Ajit Kumar Bidwe, coordinator of counselling at the Bandra
Family Courts, says a majority of mutual-consent divorces are cases of early breakdown of marriages
and they have gone up by one-fifth from 2007 to 2010. Mumbais celebrity lawyer Mrunalini
Deshmukh gives a higher figure: she says divorces occurring within two years of marriage have gone up
30-40 per cent.

Except in instances of violent abuse or other aberrations, in which case its best to end a marriage, quick
break-ups are somewhat symptomatic of the modern-day urge for quick solutions. Tolerance and
patience are not necessarily virtues for a generation conditioned in a certain way; nor is the willingness
to make compromises. We has been replaced by I, says Deshmukh. Couples dont want
counselling. They only want me to advise them on how to get a divorce, pronto. The reasons for early
break-ups span the gamutfrom serious to quirky. Lies or non-disclosure of physical defects or of
previous affairs are a big factor. One woman walked out when she realised her husband was not the
graduate he claimed to be: he had failed to clear Std X and held a clerical job. Another walked out after
realising the man was schizophrenic when he had a full-blown psychotic episode during their
honeymoon. Differences in sexual expectations, incompatibility, frigidity, impotence, of course, play a
part. Intrusion by a spouses family members is another point of friction. One couple split a few months
into marriage because the wifes dominating mother even dictated what curtains to put up. Vandana
Shah, editor of Ex-Files, a divorce newsletter, went through a similar situation herself. We never found
space to adjust to each other. Instead of spending time together, we spent it with relatives. There were
eight people in our marriage, not two of us, she says.

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 4/6
11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

T hen there are larger social changes and markers. Marriage, as an institution, is no longer seen as

sacrosanct, as it used to be. People are looking at marriage for plain closeness and companionship. Its
moving away from being a sacred space, says Dr Nagaswami. Lets Talk, a Facebook page on which the
young discuss relationships and sexuality, recently asked if marriage was a sacred institution and if
youd stay in a loveless match: the overwhelming response to both was negative.

Career commitments also often increase fragility. High-stress industries like IT and bpos are leading to
early break-ups. When both partners are attending meetings, chasing targets, travelling and almost
living in office, they can hardly give time to each other, says Bidwe.

The stigma attached to divorce, too, is lessening in the urban scenario and people are hastening to break
up rather than feel guilty about it. Remarriages have become a lot easier, says Madhabi Desai,
counsellor at Mumbai Family Courts. Divorced women are not socially ostracised; they are not old
maids in the house any more, says author Advaita Kala. And Amit Verma, in his India Uncut blogpost

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 5/6
11/01/2016 www.outlookindia.com|MakingQuickWorkOfWhatIsntWorking

headed We Should Celebrate Rising Divorce Rates, wrote that it is the single best statistical indicator
we have of the empowerment of women. Rising divorce rates tell us one thing for sure: that more and
more women are finding the means, and the independence, to walk out of bad marriages and live life on
their own terms, he says. Women are no longer helpless victims. Unlike previous generations, this
generation finds it easier to cope because, in the main, it is empowered by education and financial
independence. They are far less tolerant of abusive behaviour, says Desai. Its also easier for them,
because their own family supports them.

Whatever the reasons, the trend towards quick break-ups shows that the irrational belief in marriage
being sacrosanct, however agonising it might be, is fadingwhich is not a bad thing.

By Namrata Joshi with Smita Mitra in Mumbai, Akhila Krishnamurthy in Chennai, Dola Mitra in
Calcutta

Photo-illustrations by Sorit

Click here to see the article in its standard web format

http://www.outlookindia.com/printarticle.aspx?280178 6/6