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The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?"
asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same
snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! Submitted by: Elise Owen. I'm her mother. I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer: Phone rings: "Green. sir." said her father. I didn't know that you were her father. I do! Who do you think changes the water? . Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó Headmaster: I've had complaints about you. "Wow!. "That was short. from Indiana A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour." replied the girl. You are a taxi. from all your teachers. but I'm the one who must dig his grave. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped." Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltó A teacher asked a student to write 55. green!" They answer: "Yellow?" They ask: "White?" They hang up: "Pink!" While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone. man! Please call me a taxi. what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is. Sir!" Submitted by Bernadette Kelly A: Hey. and then she hung up. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing. because I haven`t done my homework. B: I'm not. Headmaster: Exactly. I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either. Dalian China Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course. You usually talk for two hours. can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny.A: Oh. Johnny. sir." PUPIL: "Good. PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not. Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz Little Johnny: Teacher. A: Was he your pet? B: No. Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez Teacher: "Nick. sir. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan When I want to teach the coulors. Submitted by Joe. What happened?" "Wrong number. Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think. I'm sorry. Submitted by Cláudia Almeida A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. B: Yes.

Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No. Teacher: That's nice." Bank Teller: How do you like the money? English Student: I like it very much. Later when the mice told their mother what happened. When they got there. Stone Customer: Excuse me. come on." "I was born in California. they realized they had forgotten the soda." "Well. but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.yes and no. Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia) "Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower. I was standing on it. finally a year. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No." "Which part?" "All of me. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked. Submitted by Fred G. "By the garbage dump." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said. cheap apartment for you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account." Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more? Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia) "You look very funny wearing that belt. A week went by. Woman: Yes." Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well. that's okay." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it. it pays to be bilingual!" Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez Once there were three turtles. "You see. it's two blocks this way. when the two turtles said. let's eat the sandwiches. I won't go!" Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait) .. "I have a good. I'm sorry I don't. The soup isn't hot. then one block to the left..." "Excuse me. what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Man: I want to share everything with you."oh." The man replys. then a month. "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared.Son: Dad. "If you do. One day they decided to go on a picnic. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Submitted by kara dolson Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers. Submitted by Jim Sperling The real estate agent says. Three mice are being chased by a cat. Do you understand me? Son: No. Waitress: Oh. she smiled and said. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back.

he did it all by himself. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Submitted by Kyle Jefferson Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework? Student: No.. if we didn't have a schedule? Submitted by Kyle Jefferson A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head. Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. A: Then why are all the others running? Submitted by: Girish Chavan Patient: Doctor. I'm okay.age 21 . Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker . B: No. The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. On a crowded bus... Submitted by: Mouhssin Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late. Submitted by: Janekt Ho A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. The student: I run. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. you do. do small elephants have suitcases? Submitted by lisbeth A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud. Submitted by Fred G. "No. I think that I've been bitten by a vampire. one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No. that was yesterday. The student: I walk. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." If big elephants have big trunks. You walk . Stone A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. You run .. Teacher: Of course.

He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!" Submitted by Robert Stadnik In a restaurant: Customer: Waiter..) Submitted by Barbara S. "B" is for me and my wife.you keep both hands on the wheel. He's having a good time. REDMOND. Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait) Man said to God --. Banana who? Knock. Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues One teacher said this to his students before the final test. Who's there? Banana.. WA (API) --..I'll tell you when it's raining!" :) Submitted by Joan M. Banana who? . But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! Submitted by Eric Vadot "Spell SPOT three times. Who's there? Banana. S P O T ." "S P O T . sir.But why did you make them so dumb? God said to man --. Olive who? Olive you so much! (I love you so much. Banana who? Knock. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching.A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand. "A" is for God. He's wearing shorts. Knock Knock Who's there? Olive.So that they will love you.. Who's there? Banana. Submitted by Esmond Jones. waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry.Why did you make women so beautiful? God said to man --. When she couldn't stand it any longer. knock.MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901. S P O T" "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What. "D & F" are for all other students.. Man said to God --. knock. knock. she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man. Diez Cliville I used to be a werewoolf.. a towel and listening to music on his walkman. "C" is for the perfect student.So that you will love them.. The fly is on vacation. Knock. sunglasses. at a GREEN light?" Submitted by Karen There is a California dude going through a desert.

Knock. Peter? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.." The man replies. Terrell A man receives a phone call from his doctor. Submitted by C. Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. Invigorated by the brisk breeze. Submitted by George L. What is a person who speaks one language? An American. If vegetarians eat vegetables. Student: I is the. Washington My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him. knock. What do you think. what are fog horns made of? Submitted by r." Submitted by Anonymous Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Lockhart Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe? He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop. Submitted by Jozef Karpat "Do you know what really amazes me about you?" "No. "I have some good news and some bad news. I forgot to call you yesterday." The man says. Submitted by: Monirul Hassan . Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I".Sorry. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Submitted by Pat Bacon (For advanced learners. and teachers?) Early one morning.. then what's the bad news?" The doctor says.. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw? 2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard? Submitted by Leah Davis You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment. Submitted by H. The doctor says.. what do humanitarians eat? Submitted by Shahirah Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.. "The good news is... "I'm Thor!" His stallion looked back at him and reminded him. Who's there? Orange. Keyes 1.d. thilly!" Submitted by Walter F. "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle. Andy says I'm ugly. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. Mary: John says I'm pretty. A person who speaks two languages is bilingual. "Oh no! If that's the good news. one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus.A person who speaks three languages is trilingual.What?" "Oops. you have 24 hours to live." The doctor says..A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. I was thinking about someone else!" Submitted by The Clar (South Korea) Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway? Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle If tin whistles are made of tin. "The bad news is. "OK.. he shouted euphorically. give me the good news first.

. CANCER. prutas. "I can make the boss give me the day off. lahat ‘yun. "I'm a light bulb. Girl : ah." The boss then says. sa akin ALMURANAS! * * * * * Boy : Miss san prutas ka ipinaglihi? Girl : Uhhmm. "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. para kang chicharon Girl : bakit naman? Boy : ang sarap mong papakin! (bakla umepal) Bakla: ako rin parang chicharon! Boy : oo." Boy : Miss.Two factory workers are talking. katulad ko. natikman ko na. "Just wait and see. too. The boss comes in and says.. alam ko na ‘yan. nagmamahalan na. I can't work in the dark..bwiset! nakaka high blood ka! * * * * * Boy : Ang manok. bakit hugis MANGGA yang mukha mo?? sinungaling mommy mo! * * * * * ." The man replies. * * * * * Boy : ano ang horoscope mo? Girl : anong huruskup? Boy : yung bang kapalaran mo. tayo na lang ang hindi?! Boy : Hindi. ikaw na lang ang hindi. bkit mo naitanong? Boy : eh." The man starts to follow her and the boss says. baboy." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. gulay… Girl : Hmp. sabi ng mommy ko sa apple daw. I think you need to take the day off. "I'm going home. The woman says. "Where are you going?" The man says.. "And how would you do that?" The woman says. "What are you doing?" The woman replies.

hindi ka bagay. I heard lasenggo na siya after our break-up 7 years ago. well… I’m a husband! * * * * * Girl : Kamusta ang lovelife? Boy : Eto. love.hindi maganda! . Busina lang * * * * * Boy : Sino ‘yang tinitingnan mo.. Couture Fashion? Boy : Kukur as in KUKURTINAHIN! * * * * * Boy : alam mo para kang drugs. hayop ka! * * * * * Boy : Susunduin kita mamaya ha? Bubusina na lang ako kapag nasa harap na akong bahay ninyo Girl : Okay! Anong sasakyan ang dala mo? Boy : Wala. Girl : Ano tayo? Boy : Bagay tayo. hindi ka hayop.. love? Girl : Ex ko iyon. ha! haba ng celebration! * * * * * Girl : langya ka! Niloko mo ako! May asawa ka na pala! Boy : Excuse me! Ang sabi mo. Girl : pero wala naman akong problema. Wag ka excited.. Boy : kasi nga.Boy : Wow ang ganda naman ng damit mo! Kukur Fashion! Girl : Kukur? Baka you mean.. parang ikaw.... * * * * * Boy : Hindi ka tao. hindi pa tau.. Girl : aber! na naman? sige nga! bkit dahil ba sa nakaka adik ako? Boy : hindi! nkakasira ka kasi ng buhay ko! * * * * * Boy : pag tayo na. you need a husband. Girl : Utot mo! Hindi ka tao.. Boy : Grabe. magkasama na nating haharapin ang mga problema.

anu poh yung elevator? Tatay: anak. sabihin ba nmang mukha akong magsasaka pag ktabi kita! Girl : Sbi nia un? hihi! (blush). yung escalator. sinapak ko yung nkasalubong ko knina! Nainis ako eh. Pustahan 'to * * * * * Boy : Your eyes are really attractive Girl : Talaga? Boy : Oo. Rape Victim: Bakit.. mukha ka daw kalabaw! Girl : Asan yang p***** i**** yan?!! assssaaaaaaannn???!!! Windows Erap: Magkano ba yan? Tindera: 100 pesos lang Erap: Aba mura.Girl : Grrrrr! * * * * * Girl : I have experienced so much happiness since you came. Tindera: Bakit para sa computer nyo? Erap: Bakit may windows din naman yon ah! Calculator Anak: tay. Bakit ba niya sinabi yun?? Boy : kasi. marangal naman ang magsasaka. Dalawang beses lang. sige bibili ako para sa computer ko. yung elevetor. they attract each other! DULING ka kasi remember? * * * * * Boy : Babes. kahon yun na tumataas at bumababa sa isang building Anak: Ah! eh yung escalator tay? Tatay: anak. yan yung slant na galaw na hagdan…. No one can ever replace you here in my heart. di ba Counted yung nasa Ibabaw ako? (Nasa elevator ka with your crush) Eh that time sinisipon ka suddenly! Napautot crush mo . wag ka na magalit babes. Boy : Wait lang ha? Nagdodota ako eh. Just keep in mind that I'm still the same girl who loved you and nothing can ever stop that. Anak: ah! eh yung calculator? Tatay: ewan ko anak. (Usapan ng dalawang bata) Juan: Magaling ang tatay ko! Alam mo ba yung Pacific Ocean? siya ang humukay nun! Pedro: Wala ‘yan sa tatay ko! Alam mo yung Dead Sea? Juan: Oo… pedro: Siya ang pumatay nun! Victim Judge: Miss ilang beses ka ba ni-rape nitong akusado? Rape Victim:Tatlong beses po! Rapist: Sinungaling. di pa ako nakasakay niyan.

. may bayad po ba kapag bata? Driver: Wala pasahero: Kapag kandong? Driver: wala din Pasahero: ok anak umupo kana kakandong ako. Pasahero: Mamang tsuper.Natawa ka! Lumobo sipon mo Sino mas nakakahiya? Ikaw o siya? Kandong Dahil sa hirap ng buhay.