Open House Volume 1 Cats! Kids! Cancer! Just FOUR dollars!With especially earnest thanks to Yoshiko, Sheryl, Amy, Je Linda, Christiane, Morgan, Iya, and Miyoko! Your friendship and support are so very greatly appreciated. Hazel Catkins, PO Box 69, Perry Park, KY 40363 Email: LittleShopBookClub@gmx.com Twitter: @LittleShopBC Pinterest: pinterest.com/hazelcatkins I'm in lots of other places, too. Just look for me on the web! Also, please support your local book and music stores! Their Child Mr. Bam Clef “Middle C" Mra. Treble ClefOpen House, Volume 1 Halo, dear reader, You may know me from Bitter/ Sweet Zine Cookie Cutter Crafts Scream |f You Went to Go Fester, or Snail Mail! Or, more likely, you don't, because! never finished any of those Zines | havea huge backlog of zines! never finished and because |’d like to finish one I've decided to change my whole approach. | labored and labored over a layout for those other Zines and | struggled to find a cohesive theme for each one and nothing ever worked. When | used to publish zines, | had a lot of time alone | had a lot of work space. And | had one massive theme to cover almost anything | could think of. These days though, | have a gall farrily and welivein a snall home and | only have brief moments of time in which to work on something as labor-intensive as a zine. So, | ‘ve decided to not even think of this asa zine It’s morelikea collection of dispatches to anyone who's interested in reading about a stranger's life. So, it will read like a found diary or a found shopping list or something in between. | don’t even know if I'll have any graphics yet. Oh, wait. Of course! will. | love found images from old books and I’msure you do, too! | know it sounds very whimsical, but it might not always be It might get kind of depresing sometimes, but I'll try to keep it balanced. I'll try to occasionally entertain. | hope you'll join in, if you'd like! I’d be happy to share any stories that you take the time to write! Sound fun? Sure itis! And with that, | introduce you to Open House! With love, HazdOpen House Volume 1 Table of Contents 1- Mix Tape for a Dead Cat 2- The Sari-Detached Parent 3- Landslide 4- My “Dealing with Dad’sL ung Cancer” Soundtrack 5-TheKids 6- Mix Tape froma Dead Man 7-1 Wonder Open House Volume 1, copyright 2013 All stories are written by Hazd Catkins All images used in this zine are from books that can be purchasad in my online Etsy shop at hazelcatkins etsy.com. Stop by and have a browse! | try to find the most adorable vintage booksto share with you!Open House Volume 1 A Mix Tape For A Dead Cat Before! I@t LA, my cat wes partially eaten by coyotes. | t seamed significant for many reasons | had grown sick of thecity and had fallen in love with a faraway fallow My cat’s death symbolized many of the problems that | had with the city There seemed to be many people around me who were talented and sweet, but who were kind of ripped apart by the dity You had to be ruthless and predatory to survive So the violence of his death reminded me that | had to leave To cope | madea mix tape 1) Across the Universe - The Beatles “Pools of sorrow/ Wavesof joy" Thissongis a tribute to John Lennon's guru and | felt like my cet was kind of my guru. Hislevd of idleness was ingpirationd, and his restrained friendliness was something which | aspired to. Jai Guru Kitty! 2) Carry On Til Tomorrow - Badfinger My cat had the kind of quiet determination and resignation described in thissong. 3) Lilywhite- Cat Stevens "| raise my hand and touch the whed of change" It'scertainly a big empty change to lose a loved pet. 4) My Only Friend - Opal | used to dedicate this song to my cat when | hosted a college radio show. | probably dedicated more songs to my cat than to my boyfriend. It’sno wonder my rdlationship with my cat lasted much longer. 5) All Things M ust Pass- George Harrison Another song about how change is an inevitable part of life and about how some things ‘end, but "it's not always going to be this grey." 3Open House, Volume 1 6) Black-Eyed Dog- Nick Drake My cat was eaten by a coyote | say eaten, but it was more gruesome than that. He was. torn apart by a pair of coyotes. T hey hunt in pairs | saw his intestines strewn across my neighbor's front yard. They left his head. It rerrinded me of Kurtz's hideout in Apocalypse Now with the totem heads strewn about. | kind of think of the coyote as the black-eyed dog calling for him. Also, though, my cat wes 15 years old. He was dow and skinny. He was growing old, like thesinger of the song 7) Jersey T hursday - Donovan | heard this song in the car just after he died. | t's not so much about death asit is perhapsa love song to a sunset. I t's certainly about a beautiful moment beginning and ending which ishow| saw my time with my cat. 8) Only Talking Sense- T he Finn Brothers Thisis my song to the coyotes The big stupid jerks! “Did you suffer asa child, That's why you want to make me cry? You areafraid of me, That's why you're so unkind." Yeah, coyotes! That'll put you in your place! 9) Holocaust - Big Star Anather song to the coyotes, the poor, stupid beasts. "You're a wasted face You're a sad-eyed lie You're a holocaust." GRRR! 10) All Cats AreGrey- TheCure ‘Well, sure. My cat was grey And all my favorite cats are grey. So, I've always loved this song just for the title The tempo fit my mood, and it's about death. And | used to play this song on the radio for my cat, too! 11) Pyramid Song - Radiohead Thissong feds like dying and it feds like dealing with grief as wall; bringing everything into it, your pasts and futuresOpen House, Volume 1 12) Adeep - The Smiths | felt this way. I'm certain my cat fatt this way He was old and infirmand perhaps he sacrificed himself to save his cat friends in the naighborhood. He had a valiant spirit. 13) World Wrapped in Grey - XTC My cat wasgrey but he couldn't have been more colorful. | often thought of himasa feline Quentin Crisp. He had a dignified appearance, but with abit of flair. And he could charmanyone! _Hehad more friendsin the ndghborhood than |. T hey al cameto my home to tell me how much theyd loved him, and how he fit into their daily routine He apparently had a busier social register than | 'd ever imagined, with breakfast at Booka's, lunch at the lady's apartment across the way, and dinner with the rottweilers who lived on the next block. 14) New World - Bjork In Dancer in the Dark, she sings this song as she prepares to die | hope my cat had that same kind of acceptance when he passed. 15) Dancing With Tearsin My Eyes- Ultravox Okay. | wes quiteaware even at the time, that | wasindulginga bit much in saf-pity. But it wes a cat | 'd had my entire adult life! And this dance song wes one | heard when | was out with my friend that made us burst out in laughter. It ssemed so appropriately extreme His strained '80s vocals and the persistent dut-dut-dut-dut of the music really put it over the edge "Weeping for the memory of a life gone by," | surely was but not really to an '80s beat. 16) She's My Best Friend - Wedding Present A Vdvet Underground song, but | prefer the Wedding Presant version. Gedge's soft ddivery is how! think my cat would have sung this song to me. 17) |f Not For You - George Harrison A sweet little love song to my kitty. | lived alone and his daily presence kept me from feding too londy. 18) You're My Best Friend - Queen Thissong isa cdebration of his sweet, brief life "Ooooh, you make melivel" In the movie this would be theclosing scene, and the next song would be the wacky song, with very little to do with the movie played over the credits 19) Cat In the Window - TheTurtles Thissong was just a little bit of fluff to lighten up the mood. He certainly had a very free lifestyle and | 'll bet he'd have liked a set of wings, too!Open House, Volume 1 The Semi-Detached Parent Perhaps you're tired of hearing about parenting styles right now. | know that every time! hear about a new one, my hair bristles bit, becauseall | really hear is “You're doing it wrong! We don’t know you or your children, but we're going to tal you how you're doing it al wrong!!!” Just in the last year, there's been a strugge between tiger mamasand attachment parents. And | suppose both styles have the seme ultimate god: to provide the best for your child. But neither style provides much for the mother. T hey both, in their own way, provide an unattainable goal where the proof of how good a woman is at her job isonly demonstrated in the achievements of another person. | don't went to completay conderm either style because! know how hard it isto be a mother, and | know that motherhood is a highly competitive fidd already, so if anything from either styles helps you cope with being a mother or gives you a strategy for handling difficult situations, then that’s great. | guess. But do we have to make things so difficult for oursalves? It doesnt seem that we've come very far as women when the ultimate goal of our mothering is to completly lose oursdl ves in thelife of someone dse, even if that someone dse is your child. Child-rearing isan important job, but our success at it isno indication of how good we are as people. And maybe when we put too much pressure on oursdlves, we jeopardize all of our good intentions any way. Noneof these styles have actually been tested any way. And what | 'veread about child- rearing that has actually been scientifically tested tals me that a child whose parents have @ active positive interest in them will be more successful and happy than a child whose parents show no interest. Thisinterest can take the form of daily story time or board game night or anything that you both enjoy together. And | think that's the part of Tiger or Attachment parenting that isthe most successful, the daily interest and bdief in your child's abilities | try to talk to my kids a lot. | try to let my children know that | appreciate their talents and | let them know that anything that they want to master only requires a lot of practice | try to hdp them learn to do things on their own and to know that they're capable of so many thingsif they try. But | also try to give them plenty of space to discover their interests and to truly enjoy them. And when my children leave me, as they eventually will, | hope they'll be prepared to deal with people whose lives don't revolve around them. T hey'll have realistic (but optimistic) expectations of thensd\ves and others | won't resent them for letting them take over my life and they won't resent me for taking over their lives.Open House, Volume 1 Landslide | don’t mean to write this asa spoiler, but thisisa story that won't end wal. No life ever does It'staken over a year to try to write about all of this, because 've been kind of denying what's going on. In some ways | haveto deny it, because! have 2 young children, who don't nead to know how incredibly close they are to losing their grandfather forever. And part of me doesnt want to admit to mysdif how close! am to losing my father. What good would it do anyway to act asif every moment might be my last with my father?! How ould it possibly hap himfor meto live as if | were already mourning his passing?!So | ‘ve tried to be optimistic. | 'vetried really hard to believe in miracles | ‘vetried really hard to have faith in science But | know that my dad doesn’t really have much time let. Over the last few months I've written about my dad's lung cancer in lots of places. I’ve posted on Facebook, | ‘ve emailed friends, | ‘vejournaled on CaringBridge, and | ‘ve kept notes of things! went to renember. T his article will include bits from all of those places. | keep re-reading them and wondering if there's a better way to tall this story. | haven't thought of one so you get it in moments, not in one whole. 7Open House, Volume 1 The begnning.. . 27 September 2010 My dad's collars were unusually high this weekend. | thought nothing of it, though. My dad's dothing is a mix of really good outlet mall bargains and clothes passed down from dead priests. So strange dothing choices aren't that strange for him. During dinner, he barely ate. H e coughed and grunted as he tried to swallow Out of politeness, we pretended not to notice. He'd just been to the doctor and things had gone well, so we ignored his discorrfort. Sometimes old people just make funny noises. On Sunday morning my mom made my dad show us his neck. T here were 2 large lumps The doctor said that it was probably something to do with the thyroid and not to worry about it. “Come back in a month, if you're still having trouble” My husband knowsa bit about nutrition, so he suggested some dietary changes that my dad could make He'd drastically changed his diet after a heart attack in February so perhaps his body was missing out on some nutrients. 11 October 2010 My parents visited this weekend to see our new town. It was supposed to be a kind of celebration: of my husband's new job and my upcoming birthday My 5 year old boy was eager to show off his favorite aress of our new hometown: the miniature golf course the lake the library, and the large playground where the M ennonite mothers bring their children to play. It's alovely rural town, and | hoped my parents would like it. | hadn't seen them for a couple of weeks and even though very little time had passed, they both seemed strikingly dderly. My mother looked worried. M y father could barely manage the short walks betwem each hole of the putting course We visited the playground for a while My dad sat on the old-fashioned playground carousd with my 2 year old son, while my 5 year old spun them around. It looked like a happy enough scene but my dad was definitely far below his normal energy level. Whilethe kids and my dad played together, my mom told me that my dad had nearly fallen adegp on the drive. He'd been really tired lately and she'd been lasing deep worrying about him. We decided to take a break from the vist, so sheand my dad could have a nap before dinner. When we met for dinner, my parents fidgeted and didn’t seem interested in any of the foods we suggested. T hey whispered to each other and ssemed angry. | regretted inviting them to vist.Open House, Volume 1 We findly decided on a Mexican restaurant. During dinner, my dad coughed a lot. He Picked at his food. | asked if he was okay and he said that his throat didn’t fedl well and he didn’t fed very hungry. My mom kept looking at him with a mix of anger and concern. We could seethat the lumps on my dad's throat hadn't gone away. In fact, they were larger. And now there was a weird lump above his mouth that he tried to hide by chewing on his upper lip. He had tried to get in touch with his doctor the past week, to see if there was anything dse he could do to try to make the swelling go away and to see if the doctor needed to look at them again. His doctor was on vacation, so he would have to weit an extra week to see a different doctor. My dad wasfine with this, but he wasn't eating He couldn't eat. T here wasn't enough roomin histhroat to get anything down. 18 October 2010 The new doctor checked my dad and suggested that he vist a throat specialist. Perhaps my dad is suffering from an enlarged thyroid. Or perhaps there's a cyst that just neads to be removed. T his throat specialist works with professional sngers He should beable to fix my dad. In the meantime, my dad has been given antibiotics in the small chance that it might: just bean infection. My mother is frantic, though. She feds like they're being given the runaround. M y dad and | tall her that it’s just the way doctors work. And | would rather have a doctor tal me that he doesn’t know what's wrong and send me to a different doctor who might know better, than a doctor who doesn’t know what's wrong, but conti nues to treat me to sae what might or might not work. I’m glad he's seeing a specialist, but worried that things are so bad that my dad is happy to seea specialist. My dad hates doctors He thinks theyre unnecessary middle men between sickness and death. So his eagerness to see someone and get it fixed tells me that this could be very serious | speculate at home with my husband about what could be wrong with my dad. My husband's very blunt and sometimes it’s wdcome. M ost times it'shapful. But | still hold things back a bit when | ask him what he thinks about my dad. | don’t really want to know Really | don’t know much, though, about what really is happening T here are 2 lumpsin my dad's throat that get bigger each week and a small Iump on hislip that also gets bigger. His smoker's cough sounds worse and worse And he's so tired that he can fall adegp in his La-Z-Boy even with 2 boisterous boys climbing all over him. Despite all this, | try not to worry and hope for a smple explanation with an easy treatment plan. At home, | listen to “Bum Leg” aJoe Pernice song about a guy with “a lump growing in [his] neck that somebody ought to see” and a chest that rattles “like a barrd full of emptyOpen House, Volume 1 bottles rolling through the night hitting every fring pothole in my town.” | cryas! listen toit. Sol keap listening to it until I’m numb to it all. 20 October 2010 My husband asks me if | really want to know what he thinks is wrong with my dad. I’m. hesitant, but I'l listen to what he says. H esays that it most definitely is cancer, because with my dad's diet (He'll buy any food that’s 10 for $10 at the grocery store), lifestyle (He's smoked and boozed for 50 years) and family history (He's last half his farrily to cancer.), it’s not a matter of whether or not he'll get cancer, it’s a matter of when and what kind. So we talk about the types of cancer it could be and we figure out which ones we hope it is and which ones would be the easest to treat and which ones have the best prognods 25 October 2010 We wisted my parents this weekend. My mother greets mein tears because my dad's just returned from the doctor. His newest doctor, the third in a month, is certain that my dad has some form of cancer and wants to do some tests to see what my dad has and how extendveit is | hardly react. It’stoo unreal. And asthe daughter of a smoker, it'skind of what | ‘ve expected my whole life. My mother’s been in denial. She thought she'd be the first to go. Still, we don’t know what he has yet. T he potential types suggested by the doctor are incredibly treatable. T his might just mean a few months of treatment and then a healthy dad again! | give my dad my most encouraging smiles and hope that my positive energy will be enough to make him really healthy. 26 October 2010 Dear friends, | have some kind of bad news. In all honesty | don't know if it's really bad news or just mildly bad news My dad's been diagnosed with cancer. Theres a growth in his throat and they think it's a clue that there's cancer dsewhere. So he'sin the hospital right now having vel tests and scans done They've already started chemotherapy to deal with thelumps in his throat, but they might do radiation therapy or surgery to take care of everything else if they've caught it in time | don't know what his chances are Dad's optimistic. Mom's pessimistic. I'm opting for foolish optimism just because! want to bdieve that if there's any chance that he can survive hewill. And! don't think that grieving while he's gill alive about the possibility that he might die soon is very hapful to him. He needs some one to smile & him because the rest of the family is already taking inventory of his bdongings and planning the musi for his funeral. 29 October 2010 It's my dad's birthday. H e's in the hospital for his first round of chemo. He jokes and laughs with everyone. But when | arrive I'm handed the paperwork that the hospital staff has printed out for him to read to understand his condition better. H e's been diagnosed with non-small call metastatic lung cancer. T his wasn't the diagnosis we wanted. | t’s 10Open House, Volume 1 incurable and the only thing they can do is keep zapping it with drugs and radiation to keep the tumors from getting bigger. Both of my siblings corner me during my vist. My brother tals me that my dad has a year tolive My sster tdlsme6 months T hey both seam a bit too happy about this news. Theyre making plans for how to divide his money and theyre already telling me what they want of his when he goes. | refuse to bdieve any information about how much time a person has left to live I’ve heard too many stories about people who defied the odds and lived for 20 years and | think that my dad is strong enough to be someone who at least lives for another 5 years. Looking at himin his hospital bed, though, in his weakened chemi cally-treated condition, it takes a lot of willful ignorance to believe that he'll live beyond his first week of treatment. November 2010 My dad's out of the hogpital and the rest of his chemotherapy will be outpatient. It's going wall, too. They've told him it's uncurable, but theyre going to try to keep it contained for aslong as possible It might be a year. It might be 5 years. | t's encouraging that hes responding really wall to everything, though. His tumors have already shrunk by half in just a week of treatment. My parents have met a few other people in the hospital who have been treated by the same doctors who arestill around after 10 years. T hat's very rare but it's encouraging that my dad's doctors are so successful. So now my ney discovered mini-mission isto educate people about how poorly under- funded lung cancer research is. It's seen asa disease that people deserve because it mostly affects smokers but it also affects former smokers non-smokers who live with smokers or people who livein cities with ozone or partide pollution. November 2010 | had to gp to the hospital with my 2 children and without my husband, because he had to work for the weekend. At the library this week, | saw the Peanuts book about leukemia and checked it out for my son. He lovesto read, loves Peanuts and should probably be prepared for a hospital visit with his sick grandfather. | don’t know how close! should let my son be with his grandfather any more. On one hand, his grandfather is his best friend. They play for hours when they're together and they seam so much alike. On the other hand, | don't know if it's crud to allow a child to remain close to a dying man. But anyone could die at any time, so perhapsit’s no cruder than letting him become close to any human. However, | till don’t want my dad's progressive illness to be alarming to him. So, we havetried to discuss my dad's illness as honestly as possible to a 5 year old. He sees to understand when we tak about it. And there are moments when we can tall that he's upset about it. | found a note he'd typed onto my iPod that said, “Dear Grandpa, | tried to tell you how to be healthy, but you didn’t listen.” nOpen House, Volume 1 And it’s true. After my dad's heart attack in February, my son wrote several notes to tal my dad that he should eat more fruit, diminate trans fats and quit sroking [twill hurt my son very much when my dad dies, but | hope he'll be happy that he was. ableto have auch a doserdationship with his grandfather. Not many kids get that opportunity. After our vist, | go home and post a Youtube video of Rodney Dangerfidd reciting “Do Not Go Gentle| nto T hat Good Night.” Init, he'strying to be taken more seriously and, by posting it on Facebook, I''m trying to take things a bit less seriously It’s one of my dad's favorite poems and he likes Rodney Dangerfield, so it seamed appropriate. 17 November 2010 This weekend, we cdebrated my son's 6th birthday. M y parents couldn't go out to buy him anything, so | ordered some things online for them to give him. T here both very emotiond, and thank metoo much for helping them 20 November 2010 | listened to a Fresh Air interview with O ncologist Siddhartha M ukherjee He mentioned a study that said that patients with lung cancer who received palliative care instead of aggressive treatments lived dightly longer than those who didn't. | want to tall my dad about this, but I'm certain that the family wouldn't support me on this and the small amount of extra time given to my dad isn't worth starting a fight between my parents about the sort of treatment my dad should pursue. 6Dex 2010 |'vealways thought that the worst part of getting older might be the worsening of one's ‘own health and the diminished quality of life from that. Or | also thought that maybe things just got boring when you'd been around for a while | never considered that the worst part of getting older was watching people you love fall apart in front of your eyes and being helpless to stop it from happening 1B Decerrber 2012 Christmas is nearly here and I've just visited my parents alone AsI'mleaving my parents both look at each other asif to figure out who's going to speak first. My dad finally tls me that heistoo ill to go shopping for presents for anybody. He doesn't want to impose upon anybody, but he was wondering if | could pick out some things for them to give to other people for Christmas | 'm eager to hdp, of course! | assure them that it's absolutely no problem and that it's the least | can do to help them out right now When | hug my dad, he starts crying | know that he thinks this might be his last Christmas And maybe he's right. | let him hug me longer than usual and wait to cry until | get to thecar.Open House, Volume 1 25 Decerrber 2012 My dad hasa joke that he tells when people ask him about his bald head. “What happened to all your hair?" "I lost a bet." "What bet?" "| bet that | could sroke for 45 years without getting cancer." It's not that he wants to make people uncomfortable about his cancer. It's his way to try to put people at ease about bringing up such an awful topic, but it'snot very funny. M aybe talking about cancer would be easier if there were better jokesto tall about it. ‘12 January 2011 My dad's just retired from his post-retirement job. He worked there long enough to get a mall pension. H ewes thinking about retiring this year any way, because this is the first year that he's qualified for a pension. T hen he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he didn't know if he could handle a job while going through the processes of treatment to help handle his disease. To see him, though, you wouldn't think he had any kind of disease. Hehasalittlebit of difficulty eating and his joints area bit stiff, but hessams healthy otherwise. We think he has really good doctors, which gives him a lot of confidence in his treatment. He's had 2 rounds of chemotherapy so far and has responded really well to it I'mtrying to be optimistic even though everything | read about lung cancer is so scary It's one of the least-resaarched cancers, so there are fewer effective treatments for it It'sall very New territory for us, 50 it's very scary, but my parents are meeting a lot of people at the hospital and at the treatment centers who are going through the same thing It'sgiven them a lot of hope and a little bit of support. T here's aso a Gilda's Club in Louisville so I've mentioned it to my mom, in case things get really hard for her. It ssems that it won't get that bad any time soon. Weretrying to be honest with the kids about it, too. | got "Why, Charlie Brown? Why?" for my son so that hed have some sort of introduction to some of the d tuations he might encounter in the next few years | think it's been a good approach, because he’s been able to discuss it with us and even talk about it with his grandfather. He's very concerned about his grandparents health. So helll lecture them if he thinks theyre eating poorly or indulgingin bad habits He told my dad the other day that he spends too much timeon the computer. He said, "It's not healthy to just st like that for hours at a time It's probably why you have cancer!" Hesaid it in such earnest that my dad was really touched. |'mnot the least bit prepared to lose my father, and I'm not sureif having a few years of watching his decline is going to make me any more prepared. T hinking about it really wiped me out for most of November and December. And it doesn't help that I'm kind of extremdy emotiond in a very unemotional family. 22 January 2011 My dad is working on a personal project. Every night, he takes a red of dides from the attic and digitizes them with this machine that we bought for him for Father’s Day last year. It bothers me to witness this, to have to watch my dad's life pass before all of our eyes BOpen House, Volume 1 He seams proud of it, though, even though every year chronides the same cycle of events and the only thing that changed was our ages and our surmmer vacation destinations. He should be proud of it, | suppose. He worked hard to make every vacation and every holiday happen properly. It's the life that he made for himself, and the life he wanted to sharewith al of us My dad started taking photographs around the same time he started smoking He had just joined the Army and was in Vietnam with a single man’s disposable income to spend. So he bought a nice camera and took lots of great photos of the members of his platoon and thecamp entertainment. The cigarettes were free to active duty soldiers | don’t know if my dad knew that: Cigarettes were so bad for him, or if he even cared. He’sa devout Catholic and he tends to disviss most health advice by bdieving that there's a predetermined moment when you're: supposed to be taken up any way. So you can try all you like, but you can’t run from the judgment of God. T hat's how he seesit, at least. 24 February 2011 Rdlay for Life was this weekend. M y dad walked as a survivor. He fatt like he scored big He got a freedinner and a bag full of goodies for his months of suffering He giddily showed usall the free stuff he got and he proudly wore his free t-shirt. He was happy to have free goodies. | was happy to sill have my dad. 6May 2011 | make lunch and dinner for my parents twice a week now. | read “Cooking the Whole Foods Way,” which wes written by a woman who bdieves that she cured hersaf of leukemia by sticking to a high anti-oxidant diet. | want to heal my dad's cancer with ddlicious foods | try to make super-healthy meals and | sneak in the good cancer call- destroying ingredients M y dad eats a lot more fish and vegetables than he usad to because | make the food for him and because | “‘acddentally’ make too much and have to leaveit with them. So even if he wont fully convert to an anti-cancer diet, half of his weekly reals are really good for him despite his best efforts to eat as badly as he has his whole life. It'snice to hear him tal me how good the dinners are, too, but it's the least | can do to make hislast days better 4 August 2011 | talked to my dad tonight. His white blood cdl count istoo low still to give him chemotherapy. It was hard for himto talk. T he tumors in his lungs make it hard to breathe and make it hard to swallow | barely know whet to say to him any way. | feel like! should be making the best of things because! don’t know how many moretimes! haveto talk to him Knowing this | really want to say something that will make him fed stronger and | want to make sure he ist scared. | end up not saying anything | tell him another stupid story 4Open House, Volume 1 about something precocious that one of the kids did. Or | makea snide remark about politics Or | ask him how hissblings are doing | hope that something stronger and more meaningful is conveyed through the ins pidness of my conversation. Beforewefinish talking | ak himthesame thing | alwaysaskif | talk to himona weekday “What was the ananer for Final Jeopardy tonight?” He takes while to remember, but remembering the answer and remembering the question seem to reaffirm. himin some wey. And | hope that this isn’t our last conversation, because there's no way that he can know from my chatter how much | love him and how much I'll miss him when he goes. The superstitious part of me hopes that my blandness is keeping him alive. If wedon't have one of those great big erotiond moments then there's no ending Hecan go on indefinitdy. 1 Septerber 2011 My dad's chemo isn’t working very well, but theyre going to keep trying, because nothings gotten bigger and nothing news appeared. He likesto remind all of us that they still haven't found anything in hisbrain. It's his big joke to keep us from talking about how serious everything is That’s what he's most worried about, though, his brain. T hat’s always been his biggest concern. He's seen death from cancer first-hand and he's also seen the long dow dedine of dementia first-hand and he'd rather have the cancer. H ed rather not bein a situation where he couldn't control himsaf or where he had to be in someone dise’s care. He does. ross:word puzzles and sudoku puzzles every day to keep his mind sharp. He plays along with quiz shows to make sure that he still remembers things. He isn't getting better, but he isn’t getting worse He seems to be better, though. He played pif last week, which he couldn't have done just 2 weeks ago. He played with the kids for a few hours without trying to rest. T here’ve been times when he's had to st down and let the kids play around him while he's rested. T hose days have been the hardest to watch. | t's hard sometimes to realize that my dad is an old man. He acts like a 50 year old. Hehasa Facebook page. He has opinions on Bob Dylan. And he knows enough to speak disparagingly about modern pop music. These days one of the few nice things about my dad's renewed awareness of his mortality, ishowwilling he isto tall stories about his youth, about his year in the Army, and about his struggles to raise a young family in the early ‘70s T his weekend, he told us about his walk through Greenwich Village while he wes a soldier. H e loved the folk scene and hated the war, 90 it’snice to know that he got to wander the streets of the dissenters, even if he had todo so in a outfit provided by “‘the man.”Open House, Volume 1 5 October 2011 | read on Twitter that Bert ansch died today Some perverseinstinct tdls me that a 67 year old who dies of cancer probably had lung cancer. | check the news and he did. T hey describe his 2 years of surviving the disease as a long struggle Two years! With any other diagnosis that would be cons dered a brief survival. With lung cancer, though, two years is awhole extra lifetime My dad has survived for a year now and it's seemed like so much more time than we thought hed have It seems like he might be around for at least another year. But Bert Jansch's death isjust a grim reminder that remission with lung cancer is never really a remission. It'sjusta little break that tricks you into being alittle bit hopeful that maybe you're the one lucky person in the world to live longer than everyone dse with the disease | wonder, too, what this news must be like for my dad. H e surely must know that the end is neer. He surdy must fed that each day issome kind of miracle Or some kind of torture When | asked him what wasin store for him at his next doctor's appointment, he said, "I don't know what they're going to do. | just hope they stop hurting me!"" | was glad to be on the phone with him so that | could cry without him noticing My sniffling just sounded like Whatever it is that's going around these days. I'd loveto let my dad hear some of the music of Pentangle, but | don't went to havea conversation with him about Bert Jansch. | don't want to remind him of his cancer, because maybe if he forgets that he has cancer, he won't die from it. There's something particularly horrible about a death from lung cancer. With lung cancer, your body dowly strangles itself. It dowly changes the rest of your body into a giant mass of tumors It spreads until you can't fight it any more In most, this process takes just a few months and the most that can be done isto g ve you morphine and oxygen and enough time to tall your family what you want done with your body when you die. If you're lucky it takes a few years, and you have occasional periods of time when you get a glimpse of your former health. You get to play with your grandchildren or mow the lawn without feding immediately winded. But that lasts only a few days or a few weeksat a time And you still know that the growths will come back. Lung cancer isincurable November 20 2011 My dad is in the hospital with a severe case of pneumonia. | ve been afraid of thisfor a while |'ve ben afraid that he wouldn't die from cancer, but from some small, normal thing that his body is too weak to fight. M y dad is showing signs of getting better, though. But were all a bit tired of coming so dose and then bouncing back. We cen tel that my dad is getting better when he starts to feel that he knows better than thenurses When he firs: goes into the hospital, he's always so grateful for these magical people with their fascinating technology who have allowed him to live But as his vists get longer, he is less grateful and more than a little resentful. 16Open House, Volume 1 My kidscan't visit him, so we use Facetime on his iPod to let him spend time with then. My 7 year old records songs and messages for him and draws pictures that we email to my dad. November 2011 | visited my dad in the hospital today. | wasin a hurry, because! had to pick up my husband from the dentist, but | aso had to spend some good time with my dad. | stretched myself very thin today and | felt too worried about my dad to get much rest. | stayed longer than | planned with my dad because he seemed to need someone other than my mom around. As! wasabout to leave, my mom asked if | could get her something to eat beforel go. | was incredibly pressed for time but! couldn't say no. So | ran down to the sandwich shop in the hospital. T hey were closed and wouldn't open for an hour, so | walked to the cafeteria Same story. Twenty minutes later, | reached the diner on the other side of the hospital complex. I'm qrankier with every minute The waitress took orders and cooked each item asit was ordered. T here were 2 people ahead of mein line | calculated that it would take about 10 rrinutes for her to prepare their food and then wait on me As she finished the second order, a couple rushed in ahead of me.| wasirate and accused them of cutting ahead of mein line. T he waitress had already started their food. | was too furious and shaky to stay | muttered loudly about how unbelievably rude people can be sometimes What | really wented to shout at then was “Look! My dad isdying! He may dietonight! | don't have the timeto do any of the stuff I'm supposed to do today, but | haveto try to get my mom somelunch and | haveto pick up my husband and | have to pretend to every person | see that my dad will be well soon or everything around me will crumble!” When | got back to my dad's room, my husband had called several times to find out where | was and my mom was annoyed that | hadn't gotten her any food. | ordered something to be delivered to her instead and drove dangerously across town to pick up my husband. December 2011 My dad is dill in the hospital. He can't maintain his potassium levels because he can't kegp food down. T he nurses keep feeding him with Assure drinks. After a few days my dad can ext solid foods again, but they continue to supplement it with Assure His potassium levels till won't stabilize, because his food goes through him too quickly. Since the nurses and doctors can't figure out how to make him better, my husband and | take the matter into our own hands First, we read the Assure package, which says not to take more than once a day. Wealso notice that there's an ingredient in it that our son has a reaction to, so we wonder if perhaps that's what's making my dad have issues. We talk to my dad about it and tell him to ask his doctor or nurseif he could perhaps cut back on the Assure, since he's esting well enough to get nourishment from food. v7Open House, Volume 1 Within 2 days hislevds stabilize and he's ableto go home He vows, though, that he's Never going back into the hospital. “Really?,” | think, “But, Dad, you have cancer. You haveto go back.” But really he doesn't. He doen't have to ever do anything he doen't went again. ‘January 2012 | think the worst thing about knowing that you're going to die soon is having to watch your loved ones grieve for you before you've even gone M aybe when | know my time is coming |'Il not tal anyone | want everyone to go on as normal. But with my dad, it'sall too obvious He'slost his hair and quite a bit of weight and sometimes when | look at him, he sears dready dead. We\e darted watching “Breaking Bad,” because it's about a man with lung cancer. He's dimilar to my dad in some ways They both are srart men who gave up potentially challenging careers for a family and stability. | t's weird how much Walter White looks like my dad when his head is bald. And it's comforting to imagine my dad having some kind of action-packed secret life. 8 January 2012 My parents went out to see “Fiddler on the Roof” last night. | asked my mom how it went and she said it was wonderful. T hey had front row seats and my dad sang along with every song |'mdightly embarrassed about this but! think the other quests would understand if they knew that thisis probably the last musical that my dad will ever see. 20 January 2012 My dad has put together a summary of his finances to hdp me settle his estate when he dies Havingit all set out for meisa bit too much. | start to cry. M y parents panic and start to take all the paperwork away. My aying though, isn't for me | feel bad that my dad has to go through all of this, that he's been told by his doctor that this is something he should do, that it's all so cut and dry. And | fed so bad for all of the other people who are going to miss him | joke with my dad about how bad I'm going to fed for everyone dise at the funeral home when he's gone My dad starts to cry, too, because he says that he's always the exact same way. And | remember how he is at funerals. H e'salways the one with a hdpful srile on his face, trying to hap everyone get through it all. K nowing that he won't be able to srile at me or to make a morbid joke makes me not want to go to his funeral. 2 February 2012 |'mwetching my father disappear before my eyes. Very soon, he'll be completdy gone. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer 16 months ago. He's put up a good fight, but a recent visit to his oncologist didn't go wall. She suggested H ospice and palliative care andOpen House, Volume 1 recommended that he read the "End of Life" section in the cancer workbook she gave him when he was first diagnosed. Theresa part of me that thinks that | might be over-reacting Part of me wonders if maybe it won't happen. M aybe my dad will be with us for years and years | t's happened before, right? Someone's been given 3x months to live and against all odds, they go on to live another 30 or 40 years! Right? That happens, right? But science tells me that it's a miracle he's lived this long with the cancer that he has. Science tells me to abandon all hope and just accept my father's fate. H e's nearly 70 and there probably aren't that many medical miracles left in him. And he seamsa bit tired of trying to conjure them any way. He seas ready, so | 'mtrying to make mysdf ready as well. ‘12 February 2012 Dear Facebook friends, I've been meaning to tell you for a while that my dad is very sick. He has lung cancer and though he's been staying well for over a year, his doctor told him in J anuary that his luck has nearly run out. | 've put off talking about it because lung cancer is such a loaded issue. It'sscary and mysterious and | get very angry about it. My dad smoked for 50 years and that is surely the greatest contributing factor to his illness, and sometimes! get angry about that, but | mostly get angry that thereis so little being done to find a cure or even a sustainable treatment for lung cancer. |'ve been afraid to talk about it here because! don't went to scare people and | don't want anyone to fed like I'm preaching to them | don't want to alienate anyone about this in any way, becauseit's very important that something gets done. So, if you smoke I'm not going to tdl you to quit, or refer you to all the anti-sroking campaigns on the internet. What I'd rather you do istry to find ways to pressure the government or the medical industry or even the tobacco companies that work so hard to meke smoking so appealing, pressure them to do more research into treatments for lung cancer, esophageal cancer, enphysema, chronic bronchitis, and other soking-related diseases, And | worry that I've gotten too angry already too preachy. But here's the really frustrating thing about lung cancer. Lung cancer research is one of the least-funded even though it's one of the greatest killers, and even though people who are diagnosed with it have the very dimmest chance of surviving it. And if you could see what my dad is going through, how much pain he'sin asthe cancer takes over his body, you'd be this angry too. You'd be angry that for the next 3- 6 months, the most they can do for my dad is offer him more morphine It's so grim and it shouldn't be that way. There should be more that can be done. If it weren't saen as comeuppance for smoking then more would have already been done. And that's what gets to me the most, 19Open House, Volume 1 this feding that my dad is being punished for his perfectly legal, mostly socially acceptable vice So, if you soke, or if you have sroked, or if you simply love someone who smokes, please maybe try to think about ways that you can hap find some kind of real treatment, something beyond palliative care, that can save people from the humiliating decline that goes along with lung cancer. Hmmm ..1 wasn't trying to make this post a call to action, but that's how! get when | art to talk about my dad. I'm going to misshim and | fed a bit duty-bound to encourage people to find out more about lung cancer. | recommend Lungevityorg and the ALA's lungorg as excelent places to tart. Your friend, Mary 21 February 2012 We visted my parents today. They're both so cheery about the end of my dad's life My moms picking out funeral-appropriate dresses. My dad's hard at work researching his obituary. They have a date to look at gravestones on Friday. I sthere something freeing about knowing that the end is soon? !!'s this what he's wanted all his life?! suppose he can rdax now in a way that he couldn't when he was expecting to live for another few decades He worked on cleaning out his office while we were there When he found a digital picture frame at the bottom of a drawer, he put in a flash drive and we watched the photos scan by for an hour or two. It's hard to know what he thinks about his life. My husband keeps telling me that he thinks my dad is happy with his|ife but | can't tal if hes saying this to comfort me or if he really thinks this. | feel too sad to try to figure out how my dad feds about things My parents are bigger balieversin miracles than |_ am, though, so maybe it hasn't really sunk in for them. | 'mhappy for them that they can be that way. I'm happy for my dad that he has beliefs that make him think that he'll see all the people who've passed on before him. Maybe when you're religious death is sort of comforting, like going home for good. Meanmhile |'m listening to another victim of ung cancer, George Harrison, and trying to take confort in hissongs All things must pass away. 28 February 2012 Had a brief lunchtime vist with my parents today. M y dad was having a harder time breathing and he ate his lunch in his recliner instead of in the dining room with us. | went out shopping with my mom. She told me that he's in more pain these days She tries to encourage him to take his painkillers but he's afraid of that stage of treatment. He wants to be aware and would rather feal pain than be oblivious to everything around him. To not beableto think would be absolute death to him 2Open House, Volume 1 My momis upset at how dow the treatments come for something that's so aggresive He had to wait a week to get chemo. T hen he had to wait 3 weeks for his radiation and after that, hell have to wait another 3 weeks for another dose of chemo. She fees that more could be done. | didn't know what to say. | didn't want to say that at this point, we're really just waiting to se which will be the ultimate cause of death. Will the lung cancer suffocate him? Will his brain tumors take over the parts of his brain that control his life functions? Or will the rigorous chemo and radiation treatments make him too weak to go on? My momisthe only person gill expecting a cure 23 March 2012 My dad can barely get out of his chair any more He neads his oxygen machine more and more. So my sons, now 7 and 4, who used to craw all over him and jump vigorously into hislap, they st on the arms of my dad's rediner and calmly watch television with him. It's the only way they can be closeto him any more My 7 year old helps my dad with the ossword puzzles and they both play on my dad's iPod together. T hese will be my son's final memories of his grandfather. My husband has started to rent movies for our visits so that wecan all watch something meaningful together. Tonight we watched Iron Giant. | t's kind of a way to prepare us all for the inevitable, because the boy loses his giant robot friend. At the end of it, everyone ied. We would have cried any way, but it seemed even moresad knowing that my little boyswill soon lose their best friend, my dad. On the way home, my 4 year old suggested that we turn my dad into a robot so that he could liveforever. 13 April 2012 I'm¢aaying the night at my parents house My dad has gotten so ill that he can barely get out of his chair. T he H osparus nurses are visiting more often and they've asked the res: of the family to help out more, because my dad needs constant care. It'sa T hursday night, so we're watching Doc Martin. It opens with a funeral. Doc Martin gvesa funny eulogy for his aunt who's died of a heart attack. My dad and | both laugh, but were also both crying | start to think of other eulogies that my dad likes He used to joke that he wanted a monol ‘from “Death of a Sdesman” read at his funerd. |'ve tried for 18 months to think of what I'd write asa eulogy for my dad, but nothing has ever seemed right. “| don't say he's a greet man. Willie Loman never made a lot of money. His name was. never in the paper. H e's not the finest character that ever lived. But he'sa human being, yalOpen House, Volume 1 and a terrible thing is happening to him. So attention must be paid. He's not to be dlowed to fall in his gravelikean old dog Attention, attention must finally be paid to such a person.” Isthat really how he always fat about himsaf? It's impossible to know | just know that he tried very hard to make everything better for everyone around him. 15 April 2012 We had an alright Easter. It wasa bit of asad gathering as my dad stayed in his chair and dept mast of the day My dad's illnessis forcing me to haveto deal with my siblings much more than | really like. My moms been very frustrated that my brother and sister won't come over to see my dad or to help her out. T hey always tell her that she can call if she needs anything, but, at this point, they really nead to just be over there to halp out more The things that my dad neads right now are not things that are worth making a call for, but they'd be easy things to do if someone were over there. | want to scream at them to just do something, but they're just not up to the challenge or something | think that because they're not there very often, they don't really understand what's going on with my dad. | don't think they know that his wish is to never return to the hospital, which is why he signed up with Hospice. T hey seem to think that he just needsa bit of rest to regain his strength and that's not going to happen. He's going to rest a lot, but then he's going to keep resting a whole lot more From what | can tall, and from what the nursetold me he's just going to continue to decline until he's finally gone The nurse, by the way is astounded at the lack of help from my siblings My brother just went to California for a week with his farrily and then my sister went to Florida for a week and shes going to go away again next week. | ‘ve had to set up an online scheduler with a message to my brother and sister that said, "T hese are the times that M om needs someone over to hdip with Dad, please fill in the times you can come over, and I'll handlethe rest." ! They both wrote back that I'd put in too many times and that they thought Dad should really be resting instead of having quests So now | have to explain to them that weare not quests. We're nurses now We're not going over there to socidize. We're there to st quietly until Dad neads something |'ll have to say it ina gentler way of course | don't even know if they know that my dad has cancdlled all of his scheduled chemo treatments The treatments werent hdping and they were making him feel too sick. So the doctor agread that they should just continue with painkillers and let him have a dignified ending in the comfort of his own home My mom's really upset about it, of course but she's mostly worried these days that she's not doing enough for him or that something's going to happen and it will be her fault that he goes She doesn't handle things like this wall, but she’s doing a really good job for my dad, especially g ven how little help she's been given.Open House, Volume 1 22 April 2012 When | learned that my dad was going to die, | had an image in my head of how it was ping to happen. He'd talk to us and tell us he loved us. He might be afraid or he might be at peace, but he'd talk to us Wed all be there, my mother, hissisters, my siblings and maybe afew cousins, each of us taking our turn to sing hima lullaby or to sing a song that he loved. | would sing "alll the Pretty Horses" and tell him how great | thought he wes Or perhaps! 'd redte"Do Not Go Gentle Into T hat Good Night." Wedd havea moment. When it really happened, though, he'd gone far beyond needing to be soothed. T here weren't even words to say to him any more He couldn't have said anything back to us any way. And though they encourage you to keep talking even when they don't respond, it didn't seam right. We knew that he was praying to himsaf or trying to deep and our words ered to agitate him. Besides | wanted his going to be gentle H ed raged against dying enough. His last night, then, was very quiet. Wed been prepared to expect him to go within the week. We thought we had a week. So my brother and | were prepared to take turns wetching him through the night, to bring him whatever he needed and to make sure he was feeling the best he could for the state he wesin. My mother was going to go to bed. She prepared to go to bed and started to say good night to my dad. While she talked to him his breathing became strange We expected this type of breathing and had been told to call a nurse so we could give him a bit of medicineto help him breathe more easly. | called the nurse and, asa precaution, | told her that she might want to come over to check on things Looking back, | don't know what! expected her to do, or how effective she could have bean, and now it seems that she would have just been in the way. But | called her a few times, to tell her how my dad was doing He was getting worse The medicine she'd recommended hadn't hdped. H e seemed to be irritated. We were getting upset. | tried to say a few thingsto soothe him, but it felt forced and stupid. T here was nothing | could do, and words were meaningless when he was already so far gone from us. | called my sister and told her that she should probably come over. | didn't know what to say to her. | just knew | should call. The nurse called a few tines after, and | told her that | thought it was too late. | told her that! should probably just stay with my dad until she came over. BOpen House Volume 1 So, | sat with my dad. M y mother was stroking his head and my brother held one of his hands. | took the other hand and told my dad that | was back. His eyelids started fluttering abit. His eyes were active, but he wascalm. He waseven smiling a little My mom kissed his forehead and everything stopped. My brother and | looked at each other. | didn't want to tal my mom that my dad had just left us So wehdd my dad's hands for a few rrinutes more. We waited for my mom to. realize that there was nothing more to be done When she did, we left her alone with him until she was ready to see us again. Then my sister showed up, then the nurse, then the undertakers and everything went into Biase Se ee a in the middle of the room, in his chair, where ‘wanted to dieOpen House, Volume 1 Epilogue 5 May 2012 Thanks for all of your condolences and kind wishes. You mentioned rest, and that'sthe one thing I'm finally able to get. | had to stay over some nights to stay up all night with my ad in case he neaded help moving around. One of the nurses thought that my siblings were being disrespectful by not offering to help out my mother more She told me to try to force them to get more involved. M y mom, as you know, has bipolar disorder, and a flare up can be triggered by lack of deep, so | had to kind of bully them into hdping Dad more The other struggle was that they didn't want to honor my dad's wishes to die at home. They thought it would be better if we could get him into a care home, or get a hospital bed for him. Momand | caved about the hospital bed, but | talked them into letting dad stay in theliving room, whereall the action isin the house | also insisted that they let Dad know that | didn't think the bed was necessary if he didn't want one. | wes proud when my dad gave the bed a try hated it, and settled back into his chair. H e was having none of the hospital experience. He stuck to his guns even in his weaket hours! My siblings aso thought | shouldn't let my son come around as much while Dad was sick, becauseit would ruin all of his good memories of Dad. | was relieved when the H osparus nurse told us that it actually helps a child get through this stage if they fed that they are active participants. When we visited, my son wasin charge of re-filling my dad's water bottle when he needed it, and it did help him fed like he was doing something vital for my dad. T hey were ill able to do some of their favorite things together. T hey would solve puzzles in the newspaper together and Ben would show Dad new things on Dad's iPod. And Ben was respectful of Dad when he neaded more space or just neaded to deep. Plus, we talked to Ben a lot about what was happening and what was going to happen to his grandpa. We tried to be as honest as possible with him about it. We knew that no matter how much we prepared him, he'd still be upset about losing his Grandpa, so we tried to at least take out the surprise of it and we tried focus on the gft of extra time with my dad. Now, we focus on his good memories of Dad and let him ary when he neads to. Ben was there on the night Dad died. He got a chance to hold Dad's hand and tall him that he loved him and Dad got to say that he loved him too. | didn't get to see the exchange but it sounded very sweet. Ben woke up when my dad died. So | took a bit of time to talk to him about my dad and we looked at pictures of the 2 of them together and it calmed him down a bit. He still has moments when he gets really sad about losing his best friend, but | 'm glad | let him have the experience of helping hisGrandpa. |'mdoing okay | think. |'ve had a long time to cry about losing my dad and now it's not about crying any more, but more about just remembering that things! would have shared with him before | just have to keep to myself. So rather than having this big ache | have this big empty feding just a feding of mis-placing something and not knowing what | did with it.I think part of me might till think I'll see him again. BOpen House, Volume 1 My “Dealing with Dad’s Lung Cancer” Soundtrack While my family lived with my dad's illness there were many times that | felt that my self- pity was too much of a burden to share with others. So | created a little mix that I’d play when | ft really low and wanted to keep everything to mysaf. Each of these songs made me ay for hours at one time or another during my dad's illness. 1) Dayis Done- Nick Drake Well, Nick Drake dways makes mecry but this one gets to be on this playlist, becauseit’s all about endings and the dissatisfaction of not behaving the way you'd have liked. There were many times that | felt that way when I ‘d vist my dad and | ‘d have big plans to havea meaningful conversation, but they never happened. | don’t think he wanted them, and now! wonder if he was afraid of them. H e wanted to pretend he wast sick the whole time, 0 my rolein this wasto keep conversations to confortable areas. 2) Try to Ravember - Harry Belafonte “Without a hurt, the heart is hollov.” It’s not terribly comforting, but it made me fed less bad about fading so raw 3) All the Love- Kate Bush | darted listening to this songa lot when | realized that people only visited my dad when he was hospitalized. He wes so desperate for company when he wes homebound, too, but it wasn't taken as seriou, because doctors weren't involved. 4) Sweetness Follows- R E M | think this song is about making amends before the ones you love die. | didn’t have any amends to make really, but it was nice to enjoy the sweetness of being such a part of my dad's last days 5) Orphan Gin - Gillian Walch Okay. T his was for the days when | really, really fat bad for mysaf. | till have a mother, so I'm not really an orphan, but there was sill a void that this song seamed to address. 6) Bum Leg- Joe Pernice This song hit me on a particularly bad night, after visiting my dad who could barely speak for lack of air and when he coughed, you really feared that parts of his lung were coming out. 7) Flirted With You All My Life- Vic Chemutt First, thisisn't a lovesong of any sort. It’s about Vic Chesnutt’s complicated rdiationship with death. T he parts that really struck me were the lines about his mother’s cancer. “When my mom was cancer sick/ She fought but them succomb to it/ But you made her beg for it.” | knew that’s how it would be with my dad.Open House, Volume 1 8) Song For My Father - Horace Silver | heard this on the way to the hospital when my dad was first diagnosed with cancer. It was anice peppy jazz tune that helped me fea that things might be okay. 9) Air - Talking Heads “Air can hurt you too.” | thought of this line often when I'd see my dad struggling to breathe It hurt to breathe It hurt not to breathe 10) Art Of Dying - George Harrison Thissong actually cheered me up a lot, because it mentions reincarnation, and even though | don't bdievein that sort of thing | also don’t bdlieve that I'll ever win the lottery So there'sthe “M aybe it could happen,” that keeps you going. So maybe my dad will come back in some form. M aybe we're not really just lumps of flesh and bone that moved around for a while and then stop moving Maybe. Maybe not.Open House, Volume 1 Kids Provide the Darnedest Facebook Status U pdates! My 4 year old's excuse for not napping yesterday: "It will flatten my rock star hairdo!" My 4 year old told my mom today, "M itt Womney is evil!" He wanted Big Bird to win the ection. My 4 year old has been having really bad nightrrares for the last 2 weeks and we asked him tonight if there was anything he could think of to make him fed less afraid at night. His solution: "M aybe! could get a pet man to protect me while! deep!" Woke up to my 4 yo singing a song that he called "T he Beatles is Real." Lyrics "When the day ends/ You can gill have friends’ T he Beatles is Real" 4 year old: "Ghosts are just fish that are upset because they're s posed to be in weter."" Came home to discover that my 4 year old, who wants to be an artist, had painted all over his bed sheets. His excuse "| saw invisible patterns in the fabric that | wanted you to see!" At the top of a roller coaster when all the other kids were screarring my 4 year old shouted to me, "I'm being very surprised by this!" My 7 year old just explained the Trader J oe’s Fearless Flyer to his 4 year old brother: "It shows everything they sell, but is highly exaggerated." My 7 year old was working on something that asked him to list 3 beautiful things. His list 1. Flowers 2. Butterflies 3. M ulti-colored bowling balls 28Open House, Volume 1 7 Year Old: "If Puff wasso magic, why didn't he make that kid live again?" | was being mdlodramatic today and said, “Oh no! It'sthe end of the world." My 7 year Old son knew | was exaggerating, but assured me that what will really happen to end the world isthat thesun will die and, if it survivesthe extreme burst of heat from the expansion of the sun, Earth will simply become so cold that it will be uninhabitable My 3 year old fell while chasing my 6 year old the other day. The 6 year old apologized, but when he saw that his brother had a cut on his hand from the fall, he said, "| feel that your level of pain deserves a more sincere apology than my original apology So | now offer you my sincerest apologies." T hen he kissed him on the forehead. My 6 year old told me today that most cartoon and comic strip characters prefer Swiss cheese to all the other kinds of cheese My 3 year old at 6am: "Could you tell the day to wake up?" Was listening to Radiohead yesterday when a particularly whiny part came on with lots of high-pitched wailing and moaning M y 3-year-old said, "Who's dat guy?" | said, "Just some ganky Brit" Hislittleface lit up, and he said, "Oh! Isit Daddy?" My 6 year old istrying to convince me that discovery isa compound word. Disco, very! My 3 year old might secretly bea food blogger. H e just said "First, we take a picture of our food, & then we ext it!" My 3 year old just made up a character named Jack M entalson! Took my 6 year old to seethe new Winnie the Pooh movie He gaveit 4.5 tarsout of a possible 5. | asked him what could have taken it up to 5 stars He said, "Well, | think it would have been better if the characters could have spied things correctly." 2Open House, Volume 1 Mix Tape Froma Dead Man It's been 4 months since my dad's death. |1n tribute, I’m listening to a mix cd that he made for a recent birthday. He never gaveit to me He must have forgotten or been too ill. | found it while cleaning out his computer room. | knowit’s from the last 2 years because it includes “K ern River,” which entered his repertoire of songs to sing to me when my husband and | took the kids on a cross-country adventure that included a drive near Mt. Shasta and near Kern River. Listening to the mix, it sounds|ike an autobiography of sorts There are songs that my dad has always loved and songs that must have reviinded him of me and songs that | usad to pick on the jukeboxes of the restaurants and bars where we used to eat. 1) In My Daughter's Eyes - Martina McBride My dad played this for me quite often. It always made me gi ghtly embarrassed, because it's a bit hokey, but | listen to it all the way now, knowing that he really did appreciate something about me even if I'm very different from him, and | suppose! probably did change his life. | was his first child, conceived out of wedlock, and that must have altered his course significantly. 2)1 Still Miss Someone - Johnny Cash een my son's favorite songs and they would sing it together, both giving it their 3)It Doesn't Matter Anymore - Buddy Holly “The Buddy Holly Story’ wasa family favorite. We'd sing along and pretend to be the characters. | wes Buddy. M y brother was he Big Bopper. And we had a whole band of imaginary Crickets 30Open House, Volume 1 4) Angds Among Us- Alabama | think thisis another song about me, but | 'm not sure. Or maybe he just genuindy bdieves that there will always be someone out there to look out for us. 5) T here But For Fortune- Joan Baez My dad would often say this about his life. He fet fortunate to have the life he had and wented us to be grateful for what we had as well. 6) Cocktails For Two - SpikeJ ones My dad would play this for us when we were kids He'd play it very quietly during the beginning and then turn the sound way up when the song got zany. We'd go crazy and jump all over the place and then we'd calm down again during the calm moments. 7) America - Simon and Garfunkel | wrotean English term paper about this song that brought my dad to tears, which is equivalent to a standing ovetion in my family. 8)Kern River - DaeAllan |'ve explained this one already, but the interesting thing about this song is that it comes froma compilation of Merle Haggard covers that | gaveto my dad as a present. 9) Everyday - Buddy Holly Thiswasa song from the jukebox of a local ‘SOs style diner where weld eat every Tuesday. I'd pick this and Sh'Boom. 10) That Silver-Haired Daddy of Mine- Ridersin the Sky Anather song that my dad loved to sng One of his favorite live concert experiences wes when he went to see Ermyou Harris T here was a problem with the equipment, so she said she'd sing some a cappdla songs while everyone waited. She started with this song 11) Crazy - Patsy Cline | used to try to Sing like Patsy Cline when | wasa kid. "Crazy" wasa favorite because of the range of highs and lows and the wails and moans. 12) Brooklyn Roads- Neil Diamond My dad fatt that his childhood was like this He wasa young daydreamer in a working class homeand no one understood. 13) The Boxer - Emmylou Harris | think my dad felt a bit like this when he was a young man. | doubt he sought out the comfort of the whores on 7th Avenue, but! think he fat the same londiness. 14) InTheSummertime- Roger Miller A very happy song about a very unhappy subject: unrequited love. 31Open House, Volume 1 15) If We're Not Back in Love by M onday - Merle Haggard Another juke box favorite! I'd pick this every M onday at our favorite pizza joint. 16) Town Without Pity - Gene Pitney And ANOTHER Monday night juke box favorite! 17) Sweet Baby James- JamesTaylor There's something in this song about seeking comfort in singing My dad loved singing and he had a beautiful, sweet choir-boy voice. And | think that's how he always comforted himself. M y dad's voice aways comforted me. 18) Lookin’ Out My Backdoor - Creedence Clearwater Revival Oh men, | loved this song asa kid! | think | just liked the weirdness of all the thingsin the guy's backyard. And my dad could do his weird little funky white quy shuffle that he liked to do with uptempo music. 19) Mr. Tanner - Harry Chapin | had to listen to hours and hours of Harry Chapin in my childhood. M y siblingsstill listen to him, but I'm put off by the negativity of his song stories T his song is about a guy with a really good voice who tries to gvea professional career a try. So he doesone gg at a concert hall and gets a few bad reviews and gives up. Lame! | don't let my children listen to Harry Chapin. | think he’sa bad influence 20) I’mSo Lonesome | Could Cry - Hank Williams. My dad thought this was the saddest song ever. It's beautiful. 21) A Good Year For the Rases- GeorgeJoney Alan Jackson My dad also thought this song was incredibly sad. 22) You AreMy Sunshine - Norman Blake He sang this to all of hischildren and grandchildren to soothe them to deep. | feel a bit like this isa kind of farewell song on this disc. He would have known that he had cancer when he compiled this disc. | t's a bit painful to remember his sweet voice hanging on the long notes When he sang this song to my first child, 7 yearsago, the notes hdd smoothly until they Sowly faded out, but in hislast years the notes crackled away like a dying fire. 23) Any Old Time- Alison Krauss My dad would sing this to me whenever | was far away. | always kind of took it asa joke, but thinking about it now, | remember that the farrily thought I'd done a great deal of harm to him by moving away to go to college T hat might have made him sad, but my move also coincided with the death of his father, so maybe it was just easier to blame me.Open House Volume 1 | Wonder My son's written a song about losing his grandfather. |t should be sung in a vintage M arty Robbins style | wonder why I'm such a gmall Speck in the Universe | wonder why | had the fate To lose my grandpa first. aaa | wonder why I'm only just ‘Seven years of age. | wonder what ny timing is To read a single page aabigh fidei portable fonograf. i HarelCatkins Ensy.Com music sounds belter on a WEECORAbout T he Author Haze Catkinsis of course not areal human name, but she's sill a real human girl with real human problems. She just doesn’t want the real humans in her life to know what she's up to when she's looking so serious on her computer and typing away. Weil, a few humanscan know, but who really cares. It’s just a name that she took as a joke and it’s nicer than her real name, sp it’s suck. When she'snot caring for the dey or mourning the dead, she's often found taking her children to the library or hiding from people she used to know in the grocery store She's also all over the internet, sharing her opinions, telling jokes without punchlines and posting cute pictures from very old books. Fed free to look her up! She could always use a few more imaginary friends!Open House Volume 1 A Digital Extra! Thisisa photo that | took of a pig that was camping at the same campground where we stayed while we hdped my dad. | didn’t know it at the time, but this was to be the last photo that my dad ever saw When | showed it to him, he chuckled, said, “Well, isn’t that something,” and went back to deep. It brings me some cheer to think of this painted pig entering his dream life in his last days, as if he'd now seen everything and could die feding content.