Sveen Cabin 2017 - Investment Analysis

Nick “I’m Good” Sveen
Past Experience: Nick chalked up a big L last year after “sober-cabbing” the boat and in turn had to play
catch up once the girls arrived and the flip cup games commenced. Then, after losing a $200 Zorbaz gift
card from Pam, Nick went full Pigeon Mode and muttered a total of 5 words at the bar and was
unsuccessful in wheeling anything back to The Cabin.

Outlook: Nick will be looking to rebound after his performance last year. Keep in mind he does hold
home-field advantage. That, combined with a history of steady performances at The Cabin, should be
enough to get him back on track.

Investment Grade: B-

Chase “Hold My Beer” Fisher
Past Experience: Chase has been stellar through his years at The Cabin and it could be argued that he
has the best resume so far... His uncanny ability to draw a crowd and lack of boundaries/standards has
made him 2 for 2 on luring women back to the “Chay Cage”. From crushing Coors off the forehead to his
prowess with a bow & arrow, Chase’s skillset has set him apart from the crowd.

Outlook: Chase plans to build on the solid foundation he has laid and will not look back in doing so.
When the camera comes out, he will do just about anything and that needs to be taken into
consideration. One hiccup he faces this year is the duration trip. An extra day might wear on him, and
who knows if he can maintain his high-level performance standards. That being said, expect Chase to
continue his dominance and extend his streak in the Chay Cage to 3 for 3.

Investment Grade: A-

Charlie “AB formerly known as Ass Blood” Donlin
Past Experience: Charlie’s performance last year was beneficial to all as he brought female talent to The
Cabin that hasn’t been seen in years; a feat no one has accomplished as rookie. Ass Blood consumed a
crippying amount of booze and was relatively subdued which really speaks to his tolerance and shift in
mental stability.

Outlook: Charlie heads into his second year with confidence and his stock reflects it. His months of
March through May were drowned in liquor and his liver has been treated like a Vietnam Vet. Hardened
by a senior-slide that no one can replicate, his 2nd appearance at The Cabin should be a walk in the park.
Two hurdles AB faces are he will be studying for the CPA exam in the days prior, so he may choose this
opportunity to blow off some steam. “The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long”. The other
hurdle is he is deathly afraid of jet skis, which could throw him off-balance significantly.

Investment Grade: A
Drew “I’M THINKIN I’M BACK” Malina
Past Experience: Drew epitomizes the phrase “seasoned vet” as he hasn’t missed a cabin trip since
2010. His love for cabins and Jack Daniel’s has driven his illustrious career thus far. With only a few
hiccups along the way, Drew’s steadfast performance is unrivaled and will be tough to beat going
forward. Drew’s Achilles Heel may be his fetish for being waist deep on a sandbar at 3:00 AM.
Miraculously though, he has made it to his bed, contacts removed, teeth brushed, iPhone on the
charger, every single god damn year.

Outlook: Drew may be the most dependable and least risky investment of the group. This year may be
different though as he comes into 2017 with a chip on his shoulder. After being ousted from the Chay
Cage, and then Chase subsequently using his towel as a jizz rag, Drew is out for blood and it would not
be surprising if Psycho D makes a long awaited appearance. This could either end in glory or in flames.

Investment Grade: C – A+

David “ ” Dolan

Past Experience: We had guest appearances from 3 Dolans in 2016, not one of those being David.
Existing obligations set Dave back last year, but a year prior to that was one to remember. Captaining
the 2:00 AM booze cruise with no recollection while smoking a fat stogie (probably rolled with jazz
cabbage) is the Dave we’ve all come to know and love. Showcasing his athleticism and watercraft skills,
Wide Receiver Dolan caught passes from QB Schroeder, on a jet ski, which is no feat to overlook. Don’t
worry, Ass Blood, this jet ski was totaled and is now out of commission.

Outlook: With ample Alexandria experience under his belt, we look at his 2015 performance as a
benchmark for what we can expect in 2017. The Dolan Family has been a long-time resident of
Alexandria, so Dave feels right at home when entering the 56308 zip code. That being said, don’t put all
your eggs into the Dave Basket as his actions as of late have been very questionable. He recently visited
the DMV to renew his Driver’s License and signed his first name twice “ David David”, which really has
analysts scratching their heads. He has also run into a bit of a bad luck spell with his most recent
altercation with a shower door that left him with a nice little ER visit and some Percocet. A negative, but
also a positive. Coming into the cabin a little scraped up, Dave will be looking to turn around his most
recent misfortunes with a combination of whiskey, watercraft antics, and wheeling women.

Investment Grade: C+
Joe “David Blaine” Neva
Past Experience: From petty magic to fire extinguishers, Joe has been an absolute nightmare at The
Cabin. Aside from his gypsy tricks and shifty tactics, he has been a long-time, revered cabin-goer. His
knack for the water and never mixing in a water, is what Joe prides himself on. A résumé that you find
near the top of the stack year after year, Joe truly is one-of-a-kind. Beware: come nighttime, Joe sheds
his skin and becomes the infamous David Blaine. Fortunately, he was put in his place in 2015 after being
manhandled by Schroeder. Unfortunately, that was two years ago.

Outlook: After missing last year due to conflict and experiencing massive FOMO, Joe is back and ready
for action. Flying First-Class direct from Phoenix, Joe heads into this year with the most to lose. Having
only one weekend with the boys and then the 6 months following to digest his actions and
repercussions, this is make or break. If it goes well, he will have only fond memories to look back on.
Poorly, he will fly South in despair filled with regret.

Side note: the lack of Latinas in the Alexandria/Douglas County area might have Joe disoriented and
damage his judgment even further.

Investment Grade: C

Aidan “Bitcoin” Wyer
Past Experience: Still recovering from the fire extinguisher prank instigated by David Blaine in 2014,
Aidan has had a relatively successful tenure at The Cabin. This, however, is marked with huge asterisk as
he played hooky in 2015 and spent time with his dear fiancé instead. In any event, Aidan had a strong
showing last year. Touting his beer pong skills and making sure everyone knew he drank Sveen under
the table. 25-0 in beer pong is still one of his strongest performances to this date, as well as gloating to
Pam about having drank 25 beers that day.

Outlook: With the A-OK from the ball and chain, Aidan strolls into the cabin with vengeance on his mind.
This will be the first cabin meeting between Aidan and Joe since the incident in 2014 where Aidan was
hosed down fire extinguisher-style by Joe. Also, which many have now forgotten, Joe is responsible for
the five staples in Aidan’s head post-peddle pub in 2015. Reports show Joe has had crippling anxiety
over this meeting considering Aidan has doubled in size (or it seems) and has shown an aggressive side
as of late. His latest chokehold at Cowboy Jacks, on a prey similar to the size of Joe, was just a warm-up.
Besides this feud, Aidan looks to have a calm, relaxing time now that he is happily engaged. This may
just be a warm-up for what he will experience at a bachelor party of 30 guys. Aidan has been recently
infatuated with and invested in “cryptocurrency?” so expect to see Aidan’s sales side come out this
weekend as he puts down some beverages and pitches us his latest Ponzi Scheme.

Investment Grade: B+
Connor “Shifty” Stehlik
Past Experience: Runner-up Rookie of the Year, but this shouldn’t downplay his performance last year.
Connor’s quick feet and gyrating on the Zorbaz dance floor turned some heads, including Krulik’s. He
managed to stay out of any altercations/hook ups with Alexandrians. Coming out of his first year
unscathed was really a win-win for everyone.

Outlook: With a solid foundation built and now accustomed to his environment, expect Connor to come
out of his shell with a memorable 2017. The key to his success this year is Svedka and his grippy footie
shoes. If he wants to come out of 2017 intact like the year before, these are a
necessity. He has developed a habit of jumping over things and don’t think for a
second this will change by mid-July. These shoes might also elevate is game on the Zorbaz dance floor,
perhaps rising up to challenge Krulik who is more territorial than a Silverback in the rainforest.

Investment Grade: B+

Adam “Mr. Uptown” Schroeder
Past Experience: Adam proved to be a martyr in 2015 after wrestling and subduing David Blaine,
effortlessly one might add. Adam’s cabin experience rivals that of anyone attending in 2017. From
threading the needle with a football onto a moving jet ski, to hucking volleyballs at innocent bystanders
at Zorbaz, Adam has established himself as a one-man wrecking crew and will do anything when the
limelight is directed towards him. With a combination of both charm and aggression rarely seen in
Alexandria, Adam has made the most of his tenure at The Cabin and has a résumé that generally speaks
for itself.

Outlook: Adam heads into 2017 with soaring confidence looking to turn self-proclaimed “Mr. Uptown”
into “Mr. Alexandria” for the weekend. Don’t sell him short as he may possess the physical ability and
mental capacity to do so. One demon Adam battles coming into The Cabin is the presence of Warren,
Adam’s cooler, creepier blacked-out alter ego. Keeping Warren at bay, as well as staying off FaceTime
with his fellow Miami frat stars, should be enough to extend Adam’s successful career, and further make
his mark on the town of Alexandria. Expect 110% from Adam this weekend; the word complacency is not
even in his vocabulary, nor Chase’s.

Investment Grade: B

Larry “Eyy girl bust that open” Rice
Past Experience: No one can throw back six (6) Michelob Golden Lights at such an alarming rate, quite
like Larry can. A Drake and Lavar Ball connoisseur, Larry’s cabin experience has been moderately
subdued and even-keeled given his average BAC. The recipient of the vast majority of chirps from the
group collectively, Larry has learned to hold his own the past few years and has seemed to found his
niche.
Outlook: With his status still pending on attendance this year, it is a given that Larry’s stock has seen a
significant downgrade. A recent move 1,600 miles south to join David Blaine has to be questioned, as
well as his preferred method of communication, Twitter, has left many bewildered/shaken. All this set
aside, expect Larry (if he makes it) to put on a strong showing. With a tolerance for alcohol that has yet
to peak and the stature of a U of Miami (FL) running back, Larry has all the pieces to the puzzle that
could make for an iconic Cabin 2017.

Investment Grade: C-

Josh “Snake Eyes” Rockers
Past Experience: With a past that dates back to nearly 2007, Alexandria holds a spot near and dear to
Josh’s heart. A one-time resident of Alexandria, and a many-time Sveen cabin-goer, Josh’s long history in
the area has served him well the past few years. If we look back to 2014, also known as the fire
extinguisher extravaganza, we can recall Josh wasn’t tricked into an onslaught of fire extinguisher
crossfire unlike Aidan. Josh’s common sense and Aidan’s lack thereof, really proved that even with a
BAC/THC count higher than the rest, he can keep his head on a swivel.

Outlook: With the approval from Keyboard Pete, who is still terrifying by the way, Josh heads north from
the Windy City with one thing on his mind: dummying beers. Freestyle flow that gives Roscoe Dash a run
for his money, look for Josh to really takeover when the instrumentals come on. With a track record that
has been only smooth sailing, it can be accurately predicted that this will remain the case going forward.
Expect a solid performance this year; one comparable to a blue-chip stock.

Investment Grade: B+

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