THE WANGS

S3E3

"The C Word"

Harry Jonathan Chong

6/18/2016

After becoming addicted to cigarettes, Harry's friend Emma is

diagnosed with cancer.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456 - DAY

The school bell rings.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456, HOMEROOM - DAY

Were in a full classroom, with sleepy/bored kids, and EMMA

and HARRY, who are seated together.

Their teacher, MR DOLDRUMZ, whos standing in front of

everyone, clears his throat.

MR DOLDRUMZ
(clears throat)
Alright, everyone. We have a
special guest coming in today -- so
please, sit up, and pay attention.
If any of you act disrespectful, I
swear to God, I will show you that
documentary again about that man
with the bifurcated penis. Got
it...? Good.

Theres a knock at the door. Mr Doldrumz opens it to meet

DRUGGIE DREW. He looks like a Goddamned hippie!

MR DOLDRUMZ (CONTD)
Drew, you made it. On time.
Surprising.

DRUGGIE DREW
Uh, hey, are you the guy who sells
really dope weed?
MR DOLDRUMZ
No. This is the other thing youre
supposed to do, as mandated by the
justice system.

DRUGGIE DREW
Oh. Sorry. I mistook you for
someone else.

MR DOLDRUMZ
Please, come in. Were ready to
begin.

Druggie Drew walks inside the classroom, and gets front, and
center.

Mr Doldrumz closest the door, takes a seat in the corner to

listen.
 2.

DRUGGIE DREW
Hey, yall. Im Druggie Drew.

CLASSROOM
Hello, Druggie Drew!

DRUGGIE DREW
I want to talk to yall lil bitches
about something real important in
life: DRUGS. Specifically, the
illegal kind. You see, I used to be
a drug addict. I would get high
every single day. But all the drugs
left my body in shambles, and it
made me poor, and it destroyed my
relationships with family, and
friends. But now Im on the right
path in my life, and Ive been
clean, and sober for the last 15
hours. I tell you, its been
absolute hell... So, anyone have
questions?

Harry raises his hand. Druggie Drew points to him.

DRUGGIE DREW (CONTD)

Yes, you. Fatty.

HARRY
I dont get it. Why do drugs in the
first place? Whats so good about
them?

DRUGGIE DREW
Listen, kid. Drugs are illegal, and
theyre bad for your body. But,
man, oh, man, they are amazing.
They make you feel sooo good. You
feel like Superman. Imagine,
injecting this substance into your
body, and then all your troubles,
and worries, and heartbreak, and
sadness are taken away. How can
anyone resist that? If you ask me,
drugs are basically magic.

EMMA
So, how do you cope without drugs
then?

DRUGGIE DREW
Excessive amounts of alcohol,
coffee, and cigarettes.
 3.

HARRY
Arent those just another form of
drugs, except theyre legal?

Druggie Drew walks over to Harry, and gives him the stank
eye.

DRUGGIE DREW
Listen up here, balloon belly. If
you ask me another stupid question,
Im going to tear your head clean
off, and kick into a soccer net.

Harry is dumbfounded.

EMMA
Hey, you cant talk to him like
that. Death threats are against the
law, mister.

Druggie Drew turns his head to Emma.

DRUGGIE DREW
What are you going to do about it,
you lil bitch?

EMMA
Im calling the police!

Emma takes out her cellphone.

DRUGGIE DREW
No! Dont do that! Im on
probation!
Druggie Drew panics. He runs for the window, and escapes by
jumping, and crashing through it.

Mr Doldrumz gets up from his seat, and goes to the broken

window, and looks outside.

The classroom stare, wondering WTF is up.

MR DOLDRUMZ
Children. Im not saying hes dead.
But Im not saying hes not dead.
He certainly has a lot of glass
embedded in his skin.

Harry and Emma look at each other, seemingly worried.

 4.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456, BACK AREA - DAY

Schools over. Emma, and Harry come out a door, and walk
along the back area of their school.

EMMA
So, did you hear about that gorilla
that escaped from the zoo?

HARRY
No, what happened?

EMMA
It killed twenty people.

HARRY
Wow. What a jerk.

Emma and Harry are now nearing the broken window from their
class that was held earlier.

Emma suddenly puts out her arm, and stops Harry.

EMMA
Stop!

HARRY
What?

Emma finds a pack of cigarettes on the ground. She picks it

up, and shows Harry.

EMMA
Look! Cigarettes.
HARRY
Cigarettes?

EMMA
Its like a primitive form of
vaping. I think that druggie
mustve dropped it when he jumped
out the window.

HARRY
Cool.

EMMA
Should we try it?

HARRY
Are you nuts? Cigarettes are bad
for you. They give you cancer.
 5.

EMMA
Awww, afraid of a little cancer?

HARRY
Well, uh, yeah.

EMMA
Maaan, you are such a square.

Emma opens the pack of cigarettes, and puts one in her mouth.

EMMA (CONTD)
You have a lighter?

HARRY
No...

EMMA
Come on.

HARRY
Yeah, okay.

Harry takes out his lighter.

EMMA
Wait. Something doesnt feel right.

Emma goes over to a wall, and leans against it.

EMMA (CONTD)
Alright, bring the heat!

HARRY
N-no. I dont want you smoking
cigarettes. Youre going to kill
yourself.

EMMA
Im only doing it once, and thats
it. Okay?

HARRY
Once is enough to get you hooked.

EMMA
Please?

HARRY
Im leaving.

Harry turns around.

 6.

EMMA
Can I at least have your lighter?

HARRY
You want my lighter?

Harry throws his lighter atop the school roof.

HARRY (CONTD)
Go get it, Jo Cameltoe!

He begins walking away.

EMMA
Fine! Walk away! You need the
exercise, anyway! Thats right -- I
made a fat joke.

Harry flips off Emma

EMMA (CONTD)
Oh, very mature!

EXT. EMMAS HOUSE - NIGHT

Were at the front of Emmas house. Its a nice looking

place, but really just a regular, plain, old house.

EXT. EMMAS HOUSE, EMMAS ROOM - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Emma is in her bedroom, leaning out, smoking a cigarette.

Then theres a KNOCK at the door. Its Emmas mom, VALERIE.
VALERIE (O.S.)
(whispers)
Emma, are you asleep?
(loud)
WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Emma has a panicked look on her face. She flicks her

cigarette outside, and closes her window, and turns around.

At that moment her mom Valerie lets herself inside.

VALERIE (CONTD)
Emma, what is going on with you?
Your room smells like the inside of
an Indian casino -- DOT not
feather.

EMMA
OK. Thats not racist.
 7.

VALERIE
EMMA.

EMMA
Sorry, mom, I just let out a huge
fart. My farts smell weird, you
know, because Im vegan. Sometimes
theyre smoky. Sometimes theyre
bitter. Sometimes theyre tangy,
with a hint of cilantro.

VALERIE
(suspicious)
Hmmm... Wait a minute, youre not a
vegan!
(gasps)
Youve been smoking, havent you?!

Emma shakes her head no. But Valerie grabs her face, and
opens her mouth, and smells it. A real deep whiff.

VALERIE (CONTD)
You are smoking!

Valerie lets go of Emma, and points.

EMMA
Im so sorry, mom! I only smoked
one cigarette. I was curious. I
promise itll never happen again.

VALERIE
(sighs)
Okay. As long as it doesnt happen
again, were cool beans. But if I
catch you puffing those cancer
sticks, I will break your fucking
legs.

EMMA
Youll break my legs?

VALERIE
Yeah, so you cant get cigarettes.

EMMA
But wont I have a wheelchair?

VALERIE
No wheelchair! And stop smoking!

Valerie turns around, and leaves Emmas room. The door slams
behind.
 8.

Mom gone, Emma returns to her window. She pulls it open, and
looks down outside at the lawn.

EMMA
Welp, I guess I better go clean up
my mess.

EXT. EMMAS HOUSE, BACKYARD - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

We see Emma looking outside, through her window, at a huge

pile of cigarette butts laying on the ground.

Then a strong wind comes by, and blows it down, spreading

them all over the grass.

EMMA
Goddamnit.

EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY

The hospital, the place you go to die. Or not die in some

cases.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAYS

Emma is sick, lying in bed. Shes on oxygen, staring up at

the ceiling.

Then Harry and EMILY come through the door. She turns her
head to look at them. They give a restrained smile, and wave.

They join Emmas side.

EMILY
Emma, hi. How are you doing?

EMMA
I have cancer.

A moment of awkward silence.

EMILY
Oh... Oh yeah.

EMMA
So, whatre you guys up to?

HARRY
Well, Ive been brainstorming, and
since youre dying, I think we
should make you a bucket list.
 9.

EMMA
A bucket list?

EMILY
Its a list of things you want to
do before you kick the bucket.

HARRY
Yeah, its really fun. I can help
you do all sorts of things, and go
on wild adventures!

EMMA
Harry, Im bedridden. I have
cancer. I hardly have the energy to
speak. How is it that you expect me
to go on wild adventures? Did you
even think this through before
telling me about it?

HARRY
But -- in the movies, when people
get cancer, they do all these cool
things, like climb mountains, and
disrespect Anne Frank.

EMMA
Harry, you cant take anything from
movies seriously. Theyre made by
morons with double digit IQs.
Actual people with cancer cant go
traveling around fulfilling their
hedonistic ambitions. They dont
have the energy, or the strength.
They have to go through medical
treatments, which are absolutely
devastating to the body... And even
when you go through all that, its
no guarantee.

EMILY
Awww, Emma. Were so sorry. HARRY,
you fucking idiot.

HARRY
Okay, fine, so I am a fucking
idiot.
(to Emma)
But I can still help you. I can do
stuff for you, if you want. Name
it, and its yours.

Emma takes Harrys hand, and holds it.

 10.

EMMA
Cure my cancer.

Harry now has a very uncomfortable look on his face.

HARRY
Uhhh... What? How can I cure your
cancer? Im not even a doctor yet.

EMMA
Fuck you! Cure my cancer!

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Craig is in front of the housing, wearing sunglasses,

lounging on a lawn-chair. In his hand we notice he is holding
a glass of motor oil, which has a mini parasol in it.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

CHANG watches TV, while MINDY is reading a book.

Harry comes into the room, and stands in front of Chang.

HARRY
Dad?

CHANG
Why are you blocking the TV?

HARRY
Do you have a cure for cancer?
Mindy puts down her book, and looks at Harry.

MINDY
Harry, cancer is not one disease.
Its many, many diseases. Each form
of cancer must be dealt with in a
specific manner.

HARRY
So Im fuck out of luck is what
youre saying?

MINDY
Something like that.

CHANG
Harry, listen. I read a lot of
books, and I work hard, and I study
all sorts of different subjects.
(MORE)
 11.
CHANG (CONT'D)
But I am in no way capable of
curing your friends cancer. It is
beyond my knowledge.

HARRY
...Oh, youre just being lazy! You
can do it, but you dont want to!

CHANG
Okay, okay. Calm down, Ill tell
you something. There is a cure for
cancer.

Harrys eyes start to light up.

CHANG (CONTD)
But it is kept in a dangerous, far,
far away land, where only children
can go.

HARRY
Uh, Michael Jacksons Neverland
Ranch?

CHANG
Not exactly.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, ATTIC - NIGHT

The attic door pops open. Holding a candle, Chang comes

through it to inside, and then he is quickly followed by
Mindy, Emily, Craig, and Harry.

The kids stand around, and their eyes wander, like its a
place theyve never seen before.

CHANG
Alright, here we are: the attic.
The most mysterious place in our
house. This is where your mom, and
I keep a lot of things that we
think are important, but not so
important that they deserve to be
stored in an area where people
live.

CRAIG
HAMBURGER!

MINDY
What?
 12.

CHANG
Come on, follow me.

Chang leads his family to the end of the attic, where theres
a big, old-ass, looking wardrobe. He gestures as if
presenting it.

CHANG (CONTD)
(to Emily, Harry)
This is the wardrobe.

HARRY
Is the cure for cancer in there?

CHANG
Sort of.

MINDY
Children, this is not an ordinary
wardrobe. This is a magical
wardrobe powered by nuclear energy.
If you go into it, you will
disappear into a new world, that is
as dangerous as it is weird, and
wonderful.

EMILY
Australia?

MINDY
Emily, how many times have I told
you? STOP picking on Australia!

EMILY
Sorry.
CHANG
Now, now, children. Time is of the
essence. You must get into the
wardrobe before the full moon, or
you will never get the chance
again.

Chang hands his candle to Craig, and then he opens the doors
to the wardrobe, which is full of old clothes.

CHANG (CONTD)
Make haste!

He steps aside.

Harry and Emily look at each other apprehensively.

 13.

HARRY
You first?

EMILY
Okay, yeah, Ill go first, because,
you know, Im not a pussy.

Emily climbs into the wardrobe, and stands facing toward us.

HARRY
Im not a pussy either!

Harry follows Emily in.

Now, Chang closes the two doors to the wardrobe.

From an inside perspective of the wardrobe everything goes

dark.

INT. WARDROBE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS)

Its pitch black in the wardrobe. Then there is a light.

Harry activates his flashlight. He shines it around for
illumination.

He, and Emily, still surrounded by old clothes, turn around,

and begin walking forward.

The wardrobe is a lot larger than imagined. They keep on

going through an assortment of clothes, and finally, they
come out the other end.

EXT. WINTER FOREST - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

The doors to another wardrobe pops open. Emily, and Harry
fall out into a pile of snow.

They get off their knees, and with mouths agape see they are
in a brand new place, a beautiful, snow filled forest, with
mountains abound.

HARRY
I think I speak for the both of us,
when I say: What the fuck?

Harry puts away his flashlight. He shakes his head, throw off
the snow on his skin.

EMILY
I dont like this. I think we
should turn back, and Google
this, or something.
 14.

Emily turns around, and so does Harry. The wardrobe is

missing.

EMILY (CONTD)
Awww, crap.

HARRY
Dont despair, Emily. We just have
to go forward, and well find our
way.

CUT TO:

Harry, and Emily are making their way down a path through the
WINTER FOREST. Its chilly, and theyre holding themselves
with their arms, trying to stay warm.

EMILY
Fuck, its cold.
(shivers)
Its as cold as C-canada.

HARRY
No way. Nothings colder than
Canada.

EMILY
How about a woman you love that
breaks your heart?

HARRY
Damn, thats pretty cold. Thats
like Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat
level cold.
EMILY
...Who?

As Harry and Emily approach a fork in the road (or path

rather) a man named HERMAN, coming out from the trees,
suddenly jumps out at them with an axe.

HERMAN
HEY, YOOOU GUYS!

Frightened, Harry and Emily jump back. They land on their

asses, where they look up at this stranger named Herman.

Herman is an eccentric character. A bit mentally challenged,

he is also very muscular, with a deformed, lumpy face.

We notice on his back, he is carrying bundles of wood, and on

his belt there hangs a peculiar oil lamp, glowing a bright
red-orange.
 15.

HARRY
(to Herman)
D-dont hurt us! Ill do anything --
except you know what. If youre
gonna take my dignity away, just
kill me now, and do it when Im a
corpse.

HERMAN
Hello. Im Herman. And Im not a
necrophiliac.

Herman lowers his axe, and grins.

HERMAN (CONTD)
Im sorry about scaring you all too
much. I was just playing around.
Im not retarded by the way, Im
just a little slow.

Harry, and Emily get to their feet.

EMILY
What do you want from us?

Herman stares.

EXT. WINDMILL HOUSE - DAY

Its a windmill, plus a house. A windmill house.

INT. WINDMILL HOUSE - DAY

Harry, Emily, and Herman are sitting around a table.

Resting on this table is Hermans lantern. His axe, and

bundle of wood are behind him, where there is a contraption
that looks like an elaborate meat grinder. But its really
for extracting oil from wood.

HERMAN
Beware the Bitchy Queen.

EMILY
The Bitchy Queen?

HERMAN
She has proclaimed herself the
ruler of this land. She controls
others by punishing them if they do
not obey her.
 16.

HARRY
And how does she punish them?

HERMAN
She turns them into trees, or traps
their souls in lanterns.

Herman points to his lantern.

HERMAN (CONTD)
Just like this one. It contains the
soul of my dog named Ruffy. But if
it ever burns out, so does his
soul. I must supply it with oil
made from trees.

Herman goes to the contraption in the background, the one

that looks like a meat grinder, and he sticks in tree
branches, and turns the hand, and makes thick, black oil,
which catches into a container.

He takes the container back to the table, and pours the oil
into the lantern through a hole in the side revealed by the
lifting of a flap.

When Hermans done he puts the container on the ground, and

takes a seat.

We see that the lantern is glowing brighter than before.

EMILY
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Did you
just basically grind up a bunch of
people who were in tree form?
Herman takes his lantern, and holds it up.

HERMAN
I dont have a choice. I must fuel
my lantern, and keep the soul of my
dog alive, lest he be gone.

Emily stands up.

EMILY
Excuse me, but I think we should be
going now.

EXT. WINDMILL HOUSE - DAY

Emily, and Harry leave the windmill house. They begin walking
away.
 17.

EMILY
Well, that was a waste of time.

HARRY
He gave us cookies.

EMILY
Biscotti. Ew, theyre so hard. You
dont even know when theyve gone
stale.

HARRY
I thought they were okay.

As Emily, and Harry make their way the BITCHY QUEEN appears
in front of them.

The Bitchy Queen is magical being, floating ever so slightly

off the ground. She is a large, monstrous woman, with shining
eyes, jet black skin and clothes, and nails that are so long
they look like claws.

Emily, and Harry stop in front of the Bitchy Queen, who is

breathing very heavily.

EMILY
Can we help you?

BITCHY QUEEN
(hissing voice)
Die for your Queen!

The Bitchy Queen thrusts out her hands, and her long nails
grow, and shoot forward like tentacles on an angry octopus.
Emily, and Harry jump out of the way, last second, and fall
to the ground, and the finger nails of the Bitch Queen
pierces into the Windmill House.

EMILY
(to Harry)
G-T-F-O!

Emily, and Harry get up, and run away.

Meanwhile, the Bitchy Queen yanks her nails out from the
Windmill House.

EXT. WINTER FOREST, SOUTH PATHWAY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Emily, and Harry, running away from the Windmill House, enter
the south pathway.
 18.

While they are running the Bitchy Queen appears behind them,
and roars. The two glance back, but keep on going.

The Bitchy Queen then rushes ahead, and gets in front of

them. They turn around to run the other way, with the same
result; the Bitchy Queen blocks them.

Yet again they try, and the 3rd, and 4th time are no better.

BITCHY QUEEN
You cannot outrun me.

Emily, and Harry slowly backpedal on their feet as the Bitchy

Queen gradually moves toward them, and then something
happens.

A rock is lobbed at the back of the Bitchy Queens head. She

stops, and turns around.

Herman, with his lantern on his belt like usual, is standing

in the distance wielding his axe.

HERMAN
You leave those children alone,
Bitchy Queen! Your business is with
me!

The Bitch Queen floats towards Herman.

HERMAN (CONTD)
Run, children! Run!

Emily, and Harry turn around, and run in the opposite

direction.

EXT. WINTER FOREST, END OF SOUTH PATHWAY - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Emily, and Harry are still running. But they are running
blindly. They run over the end, the edge, of the South
Pathway.

They fall down a very steep, and tumble, and fall all the way
to the bottom.

This incident causes them to go unconscious. Not moving, they

lay quietly on the ground.

EXT. SUMMER LANE - DAY

Summer Lane is opposite of Winter Forest. Here it is vibrant,

and full of life. With leafy trees, fresh, brown dirt, grass,
and plants.
 19.

In the middle of the road, under a big tree, lay Harry, and
Emily, who are, it seems, asleep, and trapped in a net.

A bee swirls around Harrys head, and then it stings him on

the nose. Harry suddenly awakes.

HARRY
Ow!

Harry holds his nose. The bee flies away. He looks around,
and notices hes in a net. He shakes Emily to wake her.

HARRY (CONTD)
Emily! Emily! Wake up!

Emily half wakes up.

EMILY
Gimme...five more minutes.

Harry shakes Emily some more.

HARRY
Wake up NOW!

Emilys eyes fully open. She looks around, confused.

EMILY
Where are we?

HARRY
Were trapped in a net. And not the
good kind, i.e. the internet.

Now Emily, and Harry hear some very loud footsteps. In the
distance they spot a BIG FUCKING GIANT coming their way.

HARRY (CONTD)
(gasps)
He must be the one who captured us!

EMILY
Hes coming! Close your eyes!

HARRY
What? Why?

EMILY
Trust me!

The BIG FUCKING GIANT stops by Emily, and Harry. He picks up

the net in which they are in, and puts it on his back. He
then walks down Summer Lane, whistling a tune.
 20.

INT. CAVE - DAY

The Big Fucking Giant is in the kitchen area, facing a

bubbling cauldron. He throws in some onions, and carrots, and
potatoes, and stirs it with a stick.

BIG FUCKING GIANT

(singing)
Humans, humans, so delicious, but
blimey theys not so nutritious!

Meanwhile, Emily, and Harry are sitting, stuck in a cage,

facing away from the Big Fucking Giant.

HARRY
I cant believe it. This is how we
die, and I didnt even find a way
to cure Emma.

EMILY
Dont worry, I have a plan.

HARRY
Whats your plan?

EMILY
Uhhh... When he opens this cage,
Im gonna uppercut his ballsack,
and then when hes in pain, we can
run away.

HARRY
Thats a stupid plan.

At this point the Big Fucking Giant finishes stirring his

cauldron. He takes a wooden spoon, and sips the hot liquid.

BIG FUCKING GIANT

Perfect. Now alls it needs is some
meat. He-he-he.

The Big Fucking Giant walks over to Emily, and Harrys cage.
He looks in, and grins. He gets a key, and unlocks the cages
lock, and opens the door.

He reaches his arm in to grab Emily.

But Emily rolls out of the way, rushes forward, and uppercuts
him in his ballsack.

The Big Fucking Giant crumples, and holds his groin in pain
on the floor.
 21.

BIG FUCKING GIANT (CONTD)

Aghhh, me groin!

Emily gestures to Harry.

EMILY
Come on!

The two run for the caves exit. But before they can reach it
they go past a cage with a bird inside -- a woodpecker named
WOODROW.

WOODROW
Wait! Dont leave! Please, help me!

Harry backs up, and stops in front of the cage.

HARRY
Hey, heh, you can talk. How
amusing.

EMILY (O.S.)
Harry, lets go!

WOODROW
I am really a human. I was turned
into a bird by a dark, evil wizard.

HARRY
Interesting.

WOODROW
Hear me out, kind sir. If you free
me, I can, I can --
HARRY
What?

WOODROW
I can lead you to the Dragon Balls!
Do you know of the Dragon Balls?
They can grant any wish to any
person who obtains them.

HARRY
Oh? Can it cure cancer?

EMILY (O.S.)
HARRY!

WOODROW
Of course! It can cure cancer. It
can, ummm, cure two cancers!
 22.

HARRY
Im sold!

Harry opens Woodrows cage -- Woodrow comes out, and pecks

his forehead, and flies off.

HARRY (CONTD)
(holding welt)
Ow! What did you do that for? You
stupid, bird asshole.

WOODROW
Sorry, force of habit!

EXT. CAVE - DAY

Harry, Emily, and Woodrow come racing out of the cave. They
head for the path ahead, but stop when a giant BULLFROG leaps
in their way.

WOODROW
Stop! If you make any sudden
movements shell think were flies,
and gobble us up whole.

At this moment, the Big Fucking Giant, holding a club, comes

running out his cave. He stops like the others when he sees
the giant Bullfrog.

BIG FUCKING GIANT

Whats all this then? A big fucking
bullfrog, eh?

The giant Bullfrog ribbits.

BIG FUCKING GIANT (CONTD)
What did you say, mate? Ill kick
yer fucken ass!

Harry, Emily, and Woodrow are now stuck between the Big
Fucking Giant and the Bullfrog. They keep close together in
the hopes they arent noticed.

The Big Fucking Giant rushes toward the Bullfrog with his
club high in the air, and the Bullfrog opens its mouth, and
darts out its long, sticky tongue.

The Big Fucking Giant is grabbed by this long, sticky tongue,

and is swallowed up whole by the Bullfrog, who goes GULP!

EMILY
Ew. Gross.
 23.

WOODROW
No, this is good. Now thats hes
not hungry anymore, we can ask him
for a ride on his back.

HARRY
I am not riding on a giant frog.

EXT. RIVER - DAY

Harry, Emily, and Woodrow are riding on the Bullfrog, who is

swimming gracefully through the calm river.

HARRY
Aww, heeeeell naw!

EMILY
What? Why did you just say that?

HARRY
Im reacting to something else I
said several minutes ago.

Emily rolls her eyes.

Soon after the Bullfrog comes to a stop by the shore.

WOODROW
We have arrived!

Woodrow flies down, and then Harry, and Emily slide to the
ground.
They wait for Harry, who pats the Bullfrog.

HARRY
Good bye, Mr Bullfrog! It was nice
meeting you! Youre ugly but kind!

The Bullfrog ribbits, and then goes on its way. Harry, Emily,
and Woodrow wave goodbye.

EXT. GINGERBREAD HOUSE - DAY

Woodrow leads Harry, and Emily. They go down a narrow,

sloping path, and then arrive upon the Gingerbread House. A
house made of Gingerbread, and sweets.

HARRY
Oooh, fancy! Is this place made out
of gingerbread?
 24.

WOODROW
Never mind what its made of. This
is where the Dragon Balls are. So,
go on in.

Emily goes up to the door, and puts her hand on the candy
doorknob, but hesitates.

EMILY
Something about this doesnt feel
right. Why would something so
important be kept in a gingerbread
house? I mean, out of all the
places this one would be the wor --

All of a sudden a JACK-O-LANTERN, with tiny wings, the size

of a sedan, comes bursting out the front of the Gingerbread
House, and swallows Emily whole.

Harry screams, and runs, but is gobbled up all the same.

Woodrow we notice is nowhere to be seen, and then the JACK-O-

LANTERN jumps up, and flapping his tiny wings, disappears
into the sky.

EXT. FROZEN LAKE - NIGHT

The Jack-O-Lantern lands in the middle of the Frozen Lake. It

throws up, Harry, and Emily, and then explodes for some
reason.

Harry, and Emily groan, and get to their feet, covered in an

amount of pumpkin seeds, and slime.
At this very moment, BITCHY QUEEN appears in front of them,
and does Woodrow, who lands on the Bitchy Queens shoulder.

Harry wipes some slime from his face.

HARRY
Woodrow? What are you doing with
the Bitchy Queen?

WOODROW
Sorry, you guys. This is the only
way I can turn back into a human,
and obtain a boxed copy of
Earthbound for the SNES with
manual.

EMILY
You dirty traitor!
 25.

Woodrow descends to the ground. The Bitchy Queen points her

finger at him, and zaps him with a spell.

Instantly he turns into a human boy. He glances at his hands

and is filled with glee.

WOODROW
Its me! Im me again! Im a real
boy! I can go home now!

The Bitchy Queen hands him a copy of Earthbound for the SNES.
Woodrow takes it with a smile.

WOODROW (CONTD)
Woo-hoo!

He runs off, and clicks his heels -- but is then suddenly

swallowed up by a whale that comes up from the lake.

No sooner than it came it vanishes.

Harry seems in shock, whilst Emily is insouciant.

EMILY
Welp, normally I would feel
sympathy, but he was never my
friend.

BITCHY QUEEN
Silence!

The Bitchy Queen slaps Harry away with her left hand, and
with her right, shoots her nails out at Emily.

The nails, which detach from the Bitchy Queen, wrap around
Emily like vines, and constrict her, binding her to the ice
beneath.

Emily struggles. She struggles to breathe, and while the

Bitchy Queen smiles, she transforms into a tree.

The Bitchy Queen laughs.

BITCHY QUEEN (CONTD)

Mwah-ha-ha-haaa! Enjoy your life as
a useless tree.

HERMAN (O.S.)
Trees arent useless! They provide
oxygen to the atmosphere, and can
be used for making fires, and
constructing homes!
 26.

The Bitchy Queen turns around, and sees Herman with his
lantern, attached to his belt, and his axe.

BITCHY QUEEN
You insolent, son of a bitch.

HERMAN
Leave those children alone, Bitchy
Queen. They do you no harm.

Herman charges at the Bitchy Queen.

The Bitchy Queen thrusts her nails down, and sends them
through the ice. They pop up in front of Herman, and he
collides against them, and falls down unconscious.

Now, the Bitchy Queen retracts her nails. Floating on air she
starts to leave -- but finds Harry in her way, and holding
Hermans lamp.

BITCHY QUEEN
You? What are you doing with that?

HARRY
Turn my sister back into a human,
or else...

BITCHY QUEEN
Or else what?

HARRY
I snuff out this lamp.

BITCHY QUEEN
Then you will doom the soul of a
poor, innocent dog.

HARRY
You think Im stupid? I know how
the world works. Its controlled by
the rich and powerful, who trick
the peasants into working for them
for next to nothing.

BITCHY QUEEN
Whats your point?

HARRY
Its a scam! There is no dog soul
in here -- only yours!

Harry lobs the lamp. It flies into the air, and lands in the
hole in the lake that was created by the whale.
 27.

The Bitchy Queen looks on in horror, and then she clutches

her chest like shes having a heart attack.

BITCHY QUEEN
You fool! YOU FOOL! YOUVE DOOMED
MEEE! AGHHHHH!

The Bitchy Queen is set aflame; she screams in pain, and

bursts (explodes) into a million scorching pieces that spread
everywhere onto the ice around.

Harry now looks worried as the scorching pieces start melting

the ice.

HARRY
Oh, crap. Maybe that was a bad
idea.

The ice of the frozen lake collapses.

Harry, Emily as a tree, and Herman, fall into the water.

EXT. UNDER THE LAKE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Harry descends into the lake with Emily, and Herman, but is
too far to reach them

He looks down, and sees a glowing light. There is a dead

dragon resting on the lake bed, with a set of glowing
testicles (i.e. Dragon Balls).

Harry swims towards it, and grabs the Dragon Balls. He closes
his eyes, and makes a wish.
Everything becomes whiteness.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

The whiteness fades.

Harry opens his eyes, and finds himself in bed.

Emma, Emily, Chang, Mindy, and Craig staring down at him,

looking worried.

Harry coughs, and speaks in a weak voice.

HARRY
What is everyone doing here? Why am
I in bed? Emma, did I cure your
cancer?
 28.

EMMA
Youre the one with cancer... Oh,
Harry. Weve been worried sick
about you. Well, not that sick. Not
like cancer-level sick.

HARRY
So, wait, what happened, I -- OH,
NO. It was all just a dream, wasnt
it? The talking woodpecker, the
evil Queen, and the Dragon Balls,
all a fabrication of my mind...?

EMILY
No, it wasnt a dream. All that
shit actually happened.

CRAIG
Emily told us everything. The story
was trippy as fuuuck.

MINDY
Yup. Your dad, and I rescued you,
and Emily from that lake.

CHANG
We got worried, because you two are
kind of incompetent. Not for kids,
but compared to us.

HARRY
But why do I have cancer?

EMILY
The Dragon Balls give you fucked up
wishes. You know what I mean, its
like those horror movies, where a
girl asks to be beautiful forever,
and then she becomes a statue.

HARRY
So, thats how it is, huh? Im
going to die? Well, as long as
youre no longer sick, Emma, Im
okay with that. Youre worth
everything in the world to me.

EMMA
Awww, how sweet.

HARRY
BUT YOURE STILL A STUPID, FUCKING
BITCH! This wouldve never happened
if you didnt take up smoking!
(MORE)
 29.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Emma, y-you moron! What do you have
to say for yourself?!

EMMA
Sticks, and stones may break my
bones, but words will never hurt
me.

Harry sighs, and frowns.

CHANG
Harry, relax. I have a cure for
your cancer. Thats right, your old
man came through.

Chang takes out a needle, and injects a liquid into Harrys

arm.

Harry immediately brightens up. His voice is lifted.

HARRY
Whoa. I suddenly feel much better
now. DAD, holy crap, youre gonna
become a billionaire selling this
medicine!

CHANG
Nah, its kind of a one time thing.
To make it I had to harvest the
blood of a very endangered, and
prestigious animal.

HARRY
What?
All of a sudden four special agents charge into the hospital
room wielding guns.

Everyone looks with surprise. Theyre shocked.

AGENT #1 speaks for his crew.

AGENT #1
Chang Wang! You are wanted for
murdering a bald eagle, and eating
her delicious eggs for breakfast!

CHANG
Look, fellas, cant we --

Chang grabs Emma, and puts a knife to her neck.

 30.

CHANG (CONTD)
DROP THE GUNS OR THIS PRETTY WHITE
GIRL DIES!

AGENT #1
Whoa, easy now. We wouldnt want a
pretty white girl to die.

CHANG
Do it! Drop your guns, and kick
them over to me!

The agents put down their guns on the floor, and kick them
over to Chang.

Chang drops his knife, and lets go of Emma, and makes a run
for the window. He jumps out to escape.

EXT. HOSPITAL, BACKSIDE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Chang, having jumped out the hospitals window, seems that he

is falling to his doom, and then his rocket shoes activate,
and propel him upward.

CHANG
Yaaaaaaa-hooooooo!

Chang comes towards us, with a grin, and high up, rips off
his outer shirt, revealing his inner shirt that says in bold
lettering: FUCK CANCER!

Freeze frame.

FADE OUT.