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How do you know if your child is a bully?

Its not easy. Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and learning aptitudes. Some children who bully
are struggling in other areas of life; others are popular kids who do well in school.

Bullies typically exhibit:

anger
poor impulse control
low self-esteem
bragging
intense sibling abuse or intimidation

However, not every kid who displays such behaviors is a bully. In fact they may be symptoms of
other issues. To complicate things further, kids with disabilities or disorders who are bullied one
year may turn around and become bullies the following.

By GreatSchools Staff

You could hear a pin drop on the blacktop the day that Gabriella Matson, a fourth-grader at a
Colorado public school, wandered onto the playground for recess. A crowd of children had
gathered in rapt attention around the slide. Teachers attempted to distract Gabriella away from
the scene.

Was someone injured? Had a bird hit a window?

Eventually, Gabriella caught sight of the spectacle not a kids broken wrist or a stunned
sparrow, but a message aimed directly at her.

Im going to kill Gabriella Matson tomorrow at noon, said a note scrawled on the slide. (The
names of Gabriella and her mother have been changed to protect the familys privacy.)

Administrators called the police to make a report and requested that Gabriellas mother, Janet,
hightail it down to the school. With a little sleuthing, the school identified the prime suspect: a
fifth-grade girl who had taken a disliking to Gabriella and had left a nasty note in her mailbox
earlier in the year.

When confronted by the police, the suspected bully neither denied nor confessed to making the
threat. Without proof, the police said they had no option but to drop the case.

Battling the school to take action


But for Janet there was no dropping the issue. A child psychologist who worked with troubled
tweens and adolescents, she recalls trying to impress upon the school that the alleged perpetrator
represented a danger to her daughter as well as other students especially since the girl, whose
father was a police officer, had access to guns. Gabriella was so traumatized she eventually
became clinically depressed and needed to be medicated.

After weeks of urging school administrators to take action, Janet says she contacted the governor
and lieutenant governor, who happened to be implementing a new anti-bullying program (which
Gabriella's school had chosen not to use). Feeling that Gabriella still wasn't safe and that she
herself had come to be seen as a pain-in-the-ass mother," Janet withdrew her daughter and
enrolled her in a local parochial school.

Janet says the slide incident was the worst instance of bullying her daughter a solitary kid
who preferred the company of books to her peers experienced. But it wasnt the only one.
Later at the private school, Gabriella encountered bullying of the classic mean-girls variety with
a new high-tech twist: texting, Facebook rumors, a full cyberbully assault. Though Gabriella had
done nothing to provoke this abuse, the quiet, bookish kid represented something that made her
especially vulnerable.

Targeting children who stand out


Considered gifted with AD/HD, Gabriella was one of the legions of children with a disability
who become the target of bullying. Research has long shown that children with learning
disabilities, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, attention deficit disorder, or autism, as well
as physical disabilities, are far more at risk for being bullied than other children. One 2007
British study found that 82% of children with learning disabilities claim to have been bullied.
(An NIH study from 2001 found that 16% of all children report having been bullied in the past
term.) According to Marlene Snyder of Olweus Bullying Prevention Program in Clemson, S.C.,
children with learning issues may be overly sensitive and reactive, which attracts the attention of
bullies.

Any child who is different from the norm is vulnerable," says Karen Hoving, an AD/HD
specialist. "Typical kids are like vultures they pick it up.

Yet the widespread phenomenon remains under the radar for many schools, teachers, and
parents. When it involves a kid whose disability isn't visible, bullying can be all the more
difficult to untangle. "I don't think most kids will kick the crutch out from under a kid," explains
Carol Greenburg, an autism specialist and the executive director of Brooklyn Special Needs
Consulting in New York. "But when it's invisible when it's 'They're weird' it seems worse."

The disability, like AD/HD or obsessive-compulsive disorder, may be a confidential matter so


that fellow students only see the childs unusual behavior with no context or explanation. And
sometimes schools are anything but helpful: One study showed that 25% of teachers see nothing
wrong with bullying.

An attempt to bully-proof her child...


Bullying at preschool: helping your child

By Raising Children Network

Bullying at preschool is something that grown-ups need to treat very seriously. Rather than leaving it up
to a child to sort out, preschools, parents and community groups can work together to fight bullying.

Bullying at preschool

Bullying can be devastating for childrens confidence and self-esteem, especially in the
preschool years. Children need lots of love and support, both at home and wherever the bullying
is happening. They also need to know that you will take action to prevent any further bullying.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, you could start with our overview of bullying and how to spot
it. Or your child might be the one doing the bullying. Read our article on what to do if your child is
bullying others.

Talking to your childs preschool

If your child is being bullied, get help as quickly as you can. Your childs teachers will be trained
in spotting and handling bullying. They will work with you to try to prevent further bullying.

How to involve the preschool teacher

Tell your child you will talk to the teacher about the problem.
Make a time to speak privately with the teacher. Calmly present your concerns as a joint issue
for you both to deal with. For example, Sam says Tyler is hitting him at preschool, calling him
names and telling the other kids not to play with him. Id like your help to find out more about
whats happening and what we can do about it.
Discuss the problem with the teacher. Ask for the teachers views.
Be assertive, not angry or accusatory.
End the meeting with a plan for how the situation will be managed.
Keep in touch with the teacher.

Contacting the bully or the bullys parents directly is likely to make the situation worse. Its always safer
to work with your childs teacher rather than to try to solve bullying on your own.

If the bullying doesnt stop

Remember that its still safer to work through your preschool than to take matters into your
own hands.
Tell the teacher about any further bullying. Keep a record of what happens and when.
Write a note to the teacher. Ask for your concern to be addressed in writing.
If the problem doesnt seem to be getting better over time, speak to the preschool director or
someone from the preschool management committee. If youre not satisfied with the results,
ask to make a formal complaint. Most preschools have a procedure for handling grievances.
Perhaps seek further advice from your local government office or get legal advice about your
options.

It takes time to change behaviour, so you might not see overnight results. But if your child is
still being bullied and you dont think the preschool is doing enough to stop it, you might
consider looking for another preschool with a better record of addressing bullying.

Supporting your child at home

Give your child as much support and love as you can at home.

You can give support by listening and talking with your child. Keep supporting your child at
home while you, the teacher and your child come up with a plan for fixing the bullying.

Also let your child know that the situation is not his fault, and it can be fixed. You can give your
child ideas for coping with the bullying too.

Sometimes it might be helpful to get professional support to help your child deal with bullying.
Talk to your GP or preschool teacher for information on professional help.

If your child is being bullied, you should always step in. But it can also be helpful to give your child some
skills to handle any future bullying or negative social behaviour to stop it getting worse. These skills can
help your childs social development.

Ideas for coping with preschool bullying


Talk to your child about some of the different ways of dealing with bullying behaviour and why
these work.

You and your child could pick one or two ideas that she feels comfortable using and encourage
her to put them into action. This will help your child feel more confident and less powerless
about being bullied.

Here are some ideas, along with suggestions for explaining them to your child:

Ignore the bullying, and move away: the bully cant pick on you if youre not there.
Tell the bully to stop: standing up to bullies in a calm way lets them know that what theyre
trying to do isnt working.
Avoid risky places: by keeping away from places where bullying happens, you can avoid the
attention of bullies as long as youre not missing out on activities because of this.
Stay around other people: if you play with your best friends, the bully probably wont bother
you.
Ask other children for support: other children probably understand what youre going through
and are likely to help you if you need it. Bullies are less likely to strike if they can see that you
have backup.
Tell the teacher: your teacher will be able to help you deal with the problem and will come up
with a plan. The bully might not even know that the teacher is helping you.

Talking with your child about bullying

It might also help your child to know why some children bully. The following suggestions for
things to tell your child come from research on why children bully:

They are copying other people, and dont know its wrong.
They dont know how to be nice to other people.
They have a problem, and they think that making other people feel bad will make them feel
better.
They never learned how to say please or talk about problems.

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More to explore
A guide for talking to preschoolers
Preschoolers Behaviour Toolkit
About self-esteem: children 1-8 years
Anxiety and fears
Social anxiety in children

Web links
Dealing with bullying - Bully blocking
Bullying. No Way!
National Centre Against Bullying
Australian Government Department of Education State and territory anti-bullying policies

Combating Bullying

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It has been suggested that children with autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) are especially
vulnerable to bullying. The Interactive Autism Network (IAN) is now sharing initial results of a
national survey on the bullying experiences of children on the autism spectrum. The findings
show that children with ASD are bullied at a very high rate, and are also often intentionally
triggered into meltdowns or aggressive outbursts by ill-intentioned peers.

The study found that a total of 63% of 1,167 children with ASD, ages 6 to 15, had been bullied at
some point in their lives.

Click here to read the IAN report.

New! A New Study from the IAN Finds Bullying Causes Significant Short-Term Emotional And
Physical Consequences For Children With Autism
Click here to read the new study.

Special Needs Anti-Bullying Toolkit

Autism Speaks is excited to be working with the National Center for Learning Disabilities,
PACERs National Bullying Center and Ability Path in partnership with the new documentary
film BULLY to raise awareness about how bullying affects children with special needs.

Visit specialneeds.thebullyproject.com to learn more, and find out what you can do to help our
children live in a bully free world.

Together with our partners, we just released a Special Needs Anti-Bullying Toolkit, full of
resources and information specifically tailored to parents, educators, and students dealing with
bullying and children with special needs.

Below is an excerpt from the Toolkit:

Top Ten Facts Parents, Educators and Students Need to Know:

1. The Facts - Students with disabilities are much more likely to be bullied than their
nondisabled peers.
2. Bullying affects a student's ability to learn.
3. The Definition - bullying based on a student's disability may be considered harassment.
4. The Federal Laws - disability harassment is a civil rights issue.
5. The State Laws - students with disabilities have legal rights when they are a target of bullying.
6. The adult response is important.
7. The Resources - students with disabilities have resources that are specifically designed for
their situation.
8. The Power of Bystanders - more than 50% of bullying situations stop when a peer intervenes.
9. The importance of self-advocacy.
10. You are not alone.

Click here to read the Toolkit!

Taking Action

Getting started is as easy as writing a letter to your child's teacher, or asking your Principal to
post your school's anti-bullying policy in public places around the school building. It could mean
talking to your child about how he or she has experienced bullying, or reading about the roles of
bullying and identifying your personal place in the cycle of bullying.

Every step towards a bully free world will help a child with special needs live free from fear and
torment.

BULLY: A Documentary

BULLY is a powerful documentary directed by Lee Hirsch that follows the lives of five students
who face bullying on a daily basis. This movie, rated PG-13, opened in select theatres March
30th, 2012, and had a great premier in New York and Los Angeles. In fact, it had the strongest
opening weekend of any documentary film so far this year. Thats a powerful kickoff for this
great movement were building together.

The Bully Project highlights solutions that both address immediate needs and lead to systemic
change. Starting with the films STOP BULLYING. SPEAK UP! call to action, The Bully
Project will catalyze audience awareness to action with a series of tools and programs supported
by regional and national partners.

Check out the BULLY trailer below:

Visit thebullyproject.com to learn more about the movie and how you can help the movement
to stop bullying!

Bullying and Autism Resources

Books
The Autism Acceptance Book: Being A Friend to Someone with Autism
by Ellen Sabin
THE AUTISM ACCEPTANCE BOOK: BEING A FRIEND TO SOMEONE WITH AUTISM is
an interactive, educational and character-building book that introduces children to the challenges
faced by people with autism while also supporting their personal journey toward appreciating
and respecting people's differences. The 62-page spiral-bound book offers educational
information, conversation-starters, and engaging exercises that invite children to walk in
someone else's shoes as they learn to treat others the same ways they would like to be treated
themselves. This book is ideal for use in classrooms, camps, and other group settings. A free
Teachers Guide is also available to help teachers maximize the impact of the book. Click here to
learn more!

Perfect Targets: Asperger Syndrome and Bullying Practical Solutions for Surviving the Social
World
by Rebekah Heinrichs , foreword by Brenda Smith Myles

Mommy, I Wish I Could Tell You What They Did To Me In School Today
by Richard Stripp

Changing Genes: What if Someone Else Were Wearing Your Jeans?


by Jack Branson and Mary Branson

Asperger Syndrome and Bullying: Strategies and Solutions


by Nick Dubin, foreword by Michael John Carley

The Bully Blockers: Standing up for Classmates with Autism


by Celeste Shally

A Is for Autism F Is for Friend: A Kid's Book for Making Friends with a Child Who Has Autism
by Joanna L. Keating-Velasco
Bullying Prevention and Intervention: Realistic Strategies for Schools
by Susan M. Swearer, PhD, Dorothy L. Espelage, PhD, Scott A. Napolitano, PhD

Bullyproof Your Child For Life: Protect Your Child from Teasing, Taunting and Bullying for
Good
by Joel Haber and Jenna Glatzer

Cyberbullying: Bullying in the Digital Age


by Robin M. Kowalski, Susan P. Limber, Patricia W. Agatston

Dandelion: "Bulling is for People with No Imagination..."


by Protein One USA, Inc.

Bullying Cure: The Groundbreaking eBook on Curing Bullying


by Ronald Bibace

The Whisperer Saga: New Antibullying Books for Children


by Jennifer Anzin

It's Not Just About Bullying: It's Time to Change


by Lizzie Vishnevsky

The Magic Dozen at Emerald Pond: An Anti-Bullying Children's Novel


by Amber Lee Sellers and M. Stephen Brown

Teaching Anti-Bullying: A Guide for Parents, Students and Teachers


by Dr. Claudio V. Cerullo

Websites

Bullying and Autism: Helping Kids Cope with Getting Excluded


www.education.com

Face Bullying with Confidence 8 Skills Kids Can Use Right Away
www.kidpower.org
Teach Antibullying, Inc.
www.teachantibullying.com

The National Autistic Society: Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders A Guide for School
Staff
www.autism.org.uk

Amaze Information Fact Sheet: Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders


www.amaze.org.au

StopBullying.gov
U.S. Department of Health & Human Services

Interactive Autism Network: Bullying and ASD


www.iancommunity.org

Autism NOW: Bullying and Autism Spectrum Disorders


autismnow.org

Other Resources

The Signs of Bullying: What to Look For If You Suspect Your Child is Being Bullied
disabled-world.org

Bullying and Students with Special Needs DVD


In the DVD Bullying and Students with Special Needs, experts look at this issue and advise
teachers and administrators on how to develop specific strategies and approaches.
www.omni-pub.com

Explore more:

Family Services
autism acceptance
bully
Bullying
IAN

- See more at: http://www.autismspeaks.org/family-services/bullying#sthash.RqgbeNu7.dpuf

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