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She Wants What?

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SHE WANTS WHAT?
A Normal Person’s Guide to Dealing With Submissives, Sex
Slaves, and Other Flavors of Sexy Annoyance.

by James Wyles
She Wants What? 2

Copyright © 2017 by James Wyles

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof
may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever
without the express written permission of the publisher
except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing, 2017

All images ((Will be when finished version printed))
copyright James Wyles with model releases on file at

Wyles Publishing
1147 NW 41st
OKC OK, 73118
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Dedicated to L, A, C, E, E, A, S, B, J, E, C, J, J, C and E.
There were others I tied up along the way, but these are
the ones about whom I still say very nice things.
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Chapter One: Introduction
So she asked you to do something weird? You thought you
knew how to 'relationship' and were doing it pretty damned
good? You treat her well? Respect and all of that? And she
asked you to do what?

Relax. Breathe. You're not doing it wrong. You may love the
path this conversation puts you on. You may decide it's not for
you. But you don't have to decide right now. Besides, you just
bought a book - so it would be pretty foolish to only get to the
second paragraph and chunk it in the trash. So, for my sake if
none other, please continue.

Obviously you care about her - or you would have walked
away already or shut the conversation down outright. You should
also notice that she obviously trusts you and sees something in
you, or she wouldn't have been this open with you and asked you
to try. I'm going to assume you're not dating or married to an
idiot, so if she went to the trouble of bringing the topic up, she
thinks it's possible you could find your way into enjoying and
being good at this.

So read the book and think about it. In fact, let's just go
ahead and make that lesson number one in this book. The MOST
important skill a dominant can have is a habit of collecting
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information thoroughly and then giving careful thought before he
makes a decision. That’s not such a scary trait to develop is it?
You could probably do it without buying a pair of leather pants,
even, if you wanted to.

What IS this book about?

First things first. If you didn't read the dust jacket and were
confused by those first few paragraphs- let me explain. This book
is an introduction to the idea of power exchange, and it's
primarily intended to help someone whose partner has asked
them to explore these ideas with them. It's short, a little flippant,
and designed to make you ask more questions than it answers.

Power exchange isn't the most popular term for it - more
frequently you'll see it on the internet forums described as
dominance and submission, D/s, M/s, daddy/little, BDSM, or some
other cryptic and potentially terrifying combination of words,
letters and capitalization. All of these are different ways of talking
about power exchange... and later in the book we'll talk a little bit
about the connotations associated with each of those terms. But
for the sake of making this book both as approachable and as
generally applicable as possible, I'm going to use the term 'power
exchange' generically to refer to just about any type of
relationship where one of you is 'in charge' of certain things.

I'm also going to use gender pronouns. This isn't because I'm
a hard-core misogynist who believes that men should be
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dominant over women...because I'm not and I don't... it's because
I'm a lazy typist and don't want to waste the extra half hour it
would take me writing this book to make sure that a bunch of
gender neutral pronouns still make it clear whom I'm talking
about every step of the way. I'm a male dominant, my submissive
is female, and this book is from my perspective, that's all. All of
the concepts are completely gender neutral - it doesn't matter
what either partner's genetic or identified gender or orientation
is. If your brain is SO literal that you cannot infer the meaning of
my work because you happen to be a female with dominant
tendencies or a male with submissive interests, send me an email
that makes me laugh and include an honest offer to buy me a
beer if I'm ever in your city and I'll consider doing the windows
'find and replace' for you to swap all the he's and she's and hers'
and his' to send you a custom PDF. But let's make this a last
resort if we can, alright?

If you're the intended audience of this book, which is to say, if
you are very new to the idea of power exchange and your partner
has got you reading this book because they've asked you if you
would consider being more dominant towards them in some way,
I'd like to explain how this book is intended to be used; It's not
long - it's written as seven chapters and I'd like you to read one
chapter a day for seven days. I'd also like to suggest that you
not to do anything else in your relationship regarding power
exchange during those seven days. If she already 'is your
submissive' then have a talk with her explaining that you'll be
reading this book and examining your relationship and power
exchange, and that for the next week she's to conduct herself
freely - no special rules, no kinky play, no begging you to be
dominant about this or that; You ARE being dominant when you
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tell her to leave you alone about it for a week. Each chapter of
this book has a recommended discussion topic for you and she,
and you'll expect her participation in that. This break from any
power exchange you've already got going isn't an excuse for her
to be bratty either - you can make it clear that you still expect her
to do her best to make you happy and proud of her. But let her
know you're spending the next seven days thinking about the big
picture and you expect to not be burdened with the details during
that time. Then take a moment for reflection. Did telling her
THAT feel good? Setting some ground rules for your
convenience? Claiming space to think and decide things? There
might be hope for you yet.

If you're not the intended audience of this book, in that
you're not entirely new to power exchange... or, god forbid, you
happen to identify as submissive but bought this book by
mistake... don't return it yet. Flip through a few pages and see if
you find anything useful to you. The discussion topics at the end
of each chapter can serve as a great 'emotional retreat' tool to
examine a long-standing and successful relationship for areas you
both might want to further explore or develop. The ideas and
suggestions presented could be of interest to a submissive who is
trying to help someone she cares about grow into the dominant
she believes he could be. But do remember you're not the
intended audience, so don't clutter up my inbox with a thousand
emails about how this book wasn't for you. I told you in the
forward who it's meant for. Damned bratty subs.

I struggled as I wrote this with the balance between theory
and practice. I'm a person who loves theory... I love to analyze
things and break them apart into pieces and pontificate endlessly
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about what I've learned in doing so. But I'm going to try to
temper that here with some practical ideas too. Which brings up
another trap I've tried to side-step - there is no one right way to
go about having a relationship. In this book I'm going to try to
suggest a simple and pragmatic set of things to try as you explore
the theories behind them. None of these techniques should be
taken as 'the right way' to do things. If you hate any of my
suggestions, dismiss them promptly. This whole book is about
you accepting that you're the boss, and that means you don't
have to take crap from me either.

When I present rules or techniques in this text, take them as
examples only. If you like them, steal them. If not, modify them
or discard them as you see fit. But if you're completely lost, you
can take them verbatim and follow them religiously. Doing that
won't magically turn you into a dominant but it will let you and
your partner experience some of the pieces of this 'lifestyle' and it
will let you start exploring how this new part of your relationship
feels so you can see if you like it enough to be worth developing
your own system and structure! Take all of my suggestions as
training wheels - they'll become decreasingly relevant as you get
better at all of this, but they can save you some bruises the first
few days.

What is power exchange?
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What the hell is power exchange? Or D/s? Or whatever the
hell else it's called? What is it?
What do you want it to be? And what does your partner
think it is? Is it about kinky sex?
Absolutely.
Or not at all.

What is power, to start with? What does it mean to be 'in
control?' The concept of power is something we think we
understand, but how many of us have really given it any thought?

To answer that question, let's look at someone who has
power over you. Your boss. What power does your boss have
over you? When he asks you to do something, why do you do it?
What makes you want to do a good job at work? When do you
stop caring what your boss thinks or wants?

I'm going to hope that most people reading this book have
had a boss they've liked... and I'm going to wager that most of you
have also had one you hated. Both bosses held power over you,
didn't they? Describe that power. Could they make you do what
they wanted? How? What happened when you did it well? What
happened when you didn't get it done?

Reward and punishment. The carrot and the stick. If you do
well, you get the paycheck. If you do really well, hopefully that
paycheck gets bigger in the future. If you do poorly, you're going
to get punished. Do really poorly and you're going to get fired.
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So you mostly do what they want. It's not like the world would
stop spinning if you got his email asking you to do something, but
ignored it and decided to play minesweeper at your desk
instead... but the consequence is serious enough that most of the
time you'll do what you're asked. It's still your choice, but their
power over you lets them steer you towards the choice they want
you to make.

And, while we're still talking about the ghosts of supervisor
past, good and bad, it's a good time to point out the different
effects of reward and consequence. Both are, of course, capable
of getting results and I think good leadership takes advantage of
both. But in a general way - reward seems to me, at least, to be
more powerful but slower acting, whereas punishment is
immediate, but tends to fade in effect over time. The fear of
getting fired if you screw around at your desk all day is only as
good as your boss's ability to MONITOR whether you're screwing
around at your desk. The reward for exceeding a scheduled goal
is something that drives you whether they're watching or not.

In all of this, we've described power in a roundabout way..
Power is the ability to influence someone else's decisions. Power
is exercised through reward and consequence. The stronger the
reward and the more severe the consequence, the more likely
someone is to let you influence their decision. You can and
should never take away their ability to decide - unless you like
holding dominion over robots... which isn't my particular brand of
megalomania. But to remain in control you've got to build a
structure of rewards and consequences that makes her mostly do
what you've asked her to do.
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Where's the Power in Your Relationship?

All relationships have a power structure. Both parties will
ALWAYS have some power over each other... if our significant
others didn't have some influence in our decisions, they wouldn't
be very significant, would they?

In most relationships, this power structure never gets any
conscious thought, let alone design.

Who decides what you watch on TV? Who decides what's for
dinner and when? Who decides when you have sex? Where do
you go for holidays? How do those things get decided? What do
each of you do if you don't get your way? Once a relationship has
been going for a while, de facto systems develop for all of these
things. This is power structure. What happens if you try to
deviate from the structure that's established? Feelings are
typically hurt - sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. How do
you deal with these hurt feelings? Do you take your next action
based on them? Where does that get you?

What about 'rules?' Rules are obvious in a power exchange
situation, but what about in a 'vanilla' relationship? What do you
do if you're going to be late? Do you flirt with the attractive
waitress? Do you sleep with her? Who do you hang out with?
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How often do you go on dates together? All of these things are
rules... and part of the power structure of a relationship. What
happens when these rules are broken?

The answer for most couples is that you fight. And the
central theme of most relationship fights is blame. And it's not
just about whatever set off the fight- it's about every little thing
that has bugged you for the last month. Have you all played this
game, before? "Yeah, well, I wouldn't have had to do that if you
hadn't...." "Oh, that's why you said what you said last month
about my...." "You're always saying how much I need to...."
"Well, you're thinking that too even if you're not saying it..."

It's exhausting. Finding yourself in a war with the person
you're supposed to be in the foxhole with. I don't really care if
you add power exchange to your relationship after you read this
book... but if you take ONE idea from the whole text -let it be this
one. Talk about power structure in your relationship. Even if you
both want to be equals. Talk about what that means. Talk about
the rules.

Come to your partner and say "I think we should be
monogamous. Here's why:" and lay out the reasons for the rule.
Ask if they agree. Talk about what will happen if one of you
breaks that rule. Talk about how you'd modify it if you needed to.

Do the same about the other fundamentals of a relationship.
Talk about who picks the restaurant and why. Talk about whose
family you visit at Christmas and listen to what your partner's
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concerns on all of it. Communicate about the way you make
decisions. Get on the same team.

And banish blame language from your relationship
vocabulary. The words "Well," "because," "I wouldn't have to," "if
you didn't," "You always," and "I never" are destructive. They
tear you two apart every time they come up. Oh. Add "every
time" to that list too! Absolutes are rarely constructive
conversation tools.

So, REALLY, what is this book about?

Power exchange can be whatever you want it to be in your
relationship. It can absolutely be a bedroom only game. It can be
the structure of the whole relationship. Typically it's something in
between.

I have a submissive. But if you pointed at her and asked 'who
is that,' I'd respond first with her name. Then I'd tell you that
she's my girlfriend. Being my submissive is the third thing I'd list
as I told you about her. She's an individual first and my partner in
life second and all of the other things she is to me after those two
things. I boss her around because she's my submissive, but if I
ever have to choose between bossing her around as my
submissive or loving her as my girlfriend, I choose loving her. And,
by the same token, if I ever have to choose between loving her as
my girlfriend or respecting her as an individual, I really hope I'm
always strong enough to respect her first.
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How is our relationship different because she's my
submissive?

To start with, the sex is awesome. I'm leading with this, not
because it's the most important, because it's not, but because it's
the most obvious... and it's a great place to start exploring power
exchange. Also, if you were still reading this book and not sold on
the merits of power exchange by all of that fruity communication
stuff in the last section, then here's your value proposition. How
would you like to turn the woman you obviously are attracted to
and care about into your personal sex slave, at least sometimes?
Would you like her to happily get on her knees and give you a
blowjob anytime you tell her to? Would you like to tell her to get
naked and get in the bed whenever the mood strikes you? Take
her in any position and any orifice that you want to? Would you
like to tie her up and tease her every way you can think of until
you're both too exhausted to go on another minute? If she asked
you to read this book... she'd probably like those things too. Even
if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Secondly, we don't fight. Now, that doesn't mean that we're
never unhappy with each other - but instead of throwing blame
back and forth and bringing up everything the other person has
said wrong during the last month, we've got a system in place to
deal with problems when they come up. We communicate about
what's bothering us and we do it in a respectful and calm way. I
ask purposeful questions, and she knows that I expect her to bring
things up when I need to hear them. We both know going into a
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serious conversation how the decisions that have to be made at
the end of that talk are going to be handled.

Thirdly, we're happy. We know we've got something that's
even harder to find than your typical successful relationship. We
don't take each other for granted. We don't have to guess what
the other one wants all the time. We have lots of fun. We both
know our role in the relationship.

So, why doesn't your relationship work this way already? If
she wants you to grab her, pin her down and take her until you're
done with her... and you want that too... why do so many nights
end with you two in bed hoping the other initiates sex... or
doesn't initiate sex... why does she turn you down so frequently
when you do initiate it that you've stopped initiating altogether?
If she wants you to be confident and strong in your desire and
wants to submit her desires to yours... why does she fight you
and pick at you and oppose your every move? Why did she make
you read this book anyway?

Because you haven't created a structure that you can both
put faith in. She wants to give some part of her power over to
you... but until she's certain that you're ready to step up, accept
that power and take care of her... she's not going to let go. In
fact, that's probably WHY she picks at you... subconsciously she
could be testing you to see if you're strong enough to stand up to
it. How can she trust someone to protect her from the rest of the
world if he doesn't even stand up to her?

Structure, finally.
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So, what the hell are you actually going to do to make all of
that rambling I just did work in your relationship? What does this
mythical relationship fixing structure look, smell and taste like?

To start with - common goals. If you two cannot articulate a
small set of goals for the relationship and for life you'd might as
well walk away now. I mean, you can have the kinky sex for a
couple of weeks, if you're both okay with just that, but then it's
time to move on and find someone you can agree to goals with. If
one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, you absolutely know
that this relationship can't make you both happy in the future... so
you're just wasting your time in it now. This is also true for
marriage and careers and cities you want to live in. You have to
come to agreement on a set of goals that will make you both feel
satisfied. No, you don't have to name the kids in a relationship
that's only been going on a couple of weeks, but if you have
radically different views of where you want to be in five years
you're setting yourselves up for relationship failure by just
ignoring this fact. That's also true of power exchange - what's
your shared goal here? Does she want to be your submissive all
the time? Does she want you to make career or social decisions
for her, or just the bedroom ones? What do you want? Agree to
a set of goals. Everything else serves these goals.

Now... life doesn't usually work out where you can set goals
one day and just have all of those things the next. The next part
of structure is a path to those goals. When you just start at power
exchange, this path will wander a bit and take some exploration
and that's fine - being a good dominant (or functional human
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being) requires constantly self-evaluating and adjusting your
plans! I'll give concrete examples of how these goals can work in
later chapters, but for now, accept that a path to your goals is the
second part of structure.

The third part of structure is expectations. In a typical vanilla
relationship these expectations may be mostly the same for each
partner - in a power exchanged relationship, these may be
radically asymmetrical. This is where you articulate what 'rules'
you expect her to follow. It's also where you articulate what
promises you're making to her. I'll talk more in later chapters
about some suggestions for reasonable expectations!

The fourth and final part of a relationship's structure is what
you're going to do when one of you fails to meet an expectation
or when either your goals or your path to reach those goals needs
to change. This is going to be the basis for your communication
system and your punishment and reward system.

That’s it.
Goals,
Path,
Expectations,
Corrections.
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Chapter 1 Discussion

These discussions should happen in a safe, comfortable,
private, unrushed setting. Some of what I'm going to ask you to
talk about will be things you might have talked about leading up
to reading this book, because some of them are pretty basic
concepts in power exchange. Try not to race through even these
questions... just because you think you know the answer. Listen
to her answers again, in the context of everything you just read.
And don't just read these questions off the page- it's not some
sort of formal interview. Just take the ideas for these discussions,
put them in your own words and talk with her about them. Most
of the discussion points I've laid out are either things I want you
to explain to her, so that you're on the same page... or questions I
want you to ask of her... so that, you know, you're on the same
page. These discussions are a perfectly appropriate time for her
to ask questions back at you. And "I don't know, let me think a
couple of days on that" is ALWAYS an okay answer for both of you
to give... but DO follow up on any questions that get tabled until
later.

 Begin with explaining, if she doesn't already know, that you're
reading this book and will be having discussions with her after
each chapter. Make sure she understands that all of these
conversations are just that - conversations. You're not going
to make firm plans or 'hold each other to what was said' in
these conversations because your opinions may well still be
evolving. Make it clear that you expect her to be honest,
direct and open and that you will do the same.
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 These discussions need to be safe. You can't use them to
collect ammo for future blame wars. And you should both
approach them with a constructive attitude. Both of you
should avoid saying "You do this" and focus on saying "I feel
like this." (Good conversation advice for ANY sensitive
conversation - don't accuse the other person, share yourself.)

 After you have the conversation framed to be constructive,
honest, and safe, explain to her the four parts of relationship
structure as the book lays them out. (goals, path to goals,
expectations of each other, and how to deal with unmet
expectations, or deviations from the path towards goals!).
Use your own words. Talk with her about whether that makes
sense to you... and to her. Ponder together the hypothetical -
would having goals, a plan, clear expectations, and clear
consequence/rewards maybe solve something for you?

 Talk about shared goals - in life, in love, and in power
exchange. What do you both want? What can you do to help
with her personal goals? What do you need to help achieve
yours? Are there goals you had when you got together that
have been adjusted or dropped along the way? These don't
have to be power exchange related... getting power exchange
on track if MAJOR life issues are not is a wasted exercise. Talk
about whatever you two need to talk about.

 Ask her to explain, even if she has before, what she thinks she
wants out of power exchange. Is it a bedroom thing? Is it a
whole-relationship thing? Something in-between? It's OKAY if
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she doesn't know. It can help to frame examples. "So, if we're
out with friends... would you enjoy if I had a secret word...
that meant you were required to do something subtle but
meaningful for me, like, touch your own neck and imagine you
had your play collar on, or take hold of my arm and not let go
until you had permission to do so?" "If we are having a
disagreement about bills, would you LIKE to be able to say
your peace and then trust me to decide?" And on forward to
“If one of us was offered a great job but it required moving to
another city, would you actually trust me to make that
decision, even if I knew you had some reasons to disagree?”
It's going to take a LOT of these hypotheticals over weeks or
months or years to REALLY nail down how the power lines are
going to be drawn in your relationship for both of your
happiness, but start the conversation now.

 Ask her what she likes about you, and what she respects.

 Tell her what you like about her and what you respect.

Those two are important, and should also become an ongoing
thing for you. We don't compliment the people we love enough.
Tell them WHY you love them. It's great for their ego... and in the
hard times... it's good for you to remind yourself why you're with
them too.
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Chapter Two: The Submissive

We spend a lot of our lives seeking power. We want to make
enough money that we can do what we want with our lives. We
strive to be respected by our peers - competition and jockeying
for position are common even among close friends. She probably
works hard herself to be as 'alpha' as she can in some areas of her
life. Why the hell did she want you to read this book then?

Coming at it from another angle - we're taught that manners
are the best way to minimize conflict. What are manners, but
socially accepted limits that help keep us from asserting our will
over others? Don't dominate the conversation, don't take more
than your share from the candy bowl, don't tell someone what
they can and can't do, say 'please' and 'thank you,' and the list
goes on.
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We're also taught as modern men (and here I AM talking
about traditional hetero gender roles for two paragraphs!) that
we're to always treat women as equals - it's chauvinist to expect a
woman to wait on you or to follow your instructions without
question. So in that particular gender-orientation you're fighting
a societal conception that goes even beyond what manners
dictates... if someone sees you give your wife an order there's a
good possibility they're going to have a strong negative reaction
to that because they associate what they saw with misogynist
attitudes. And heaven forbid they find out you spank her! You
could find yourself arrested!

And you're not just fighting other people's opinions on the
subject. You've got to get yourself past any association you've
built up over the years between telling a woman what to do and
telling a woman what to do because you don't respect her.
Power exchange is perfectly compatible with feminism. Feminism
is about a woman's right to self-determine. Telling her that she
can't have the kind of relationship or sex that she wants to have
because it's not feminist is exactly the same sort of forced-
gender-role-crap as telling her she HAS to be the perfect little
house-wife. A good dominant respects her right to choose.

To get over the 'but I'm a nice and polite person and I respect
my partner, so I shouldn't tell them what to do' hurdle... you have
to come to terms with something really quickly here. You're
reading this book because she wants this. She chooses this.

She doesn't want to submit to you because she believes that
it's her unfortunate duty because of her gender or orientation.
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She's not an airheaded idiot with no opinions of her own that just
wants someone to make decisions for her so she can giggle and
smile through her day. She's a strong, powerful person who is
capable of taking care of herself and making her own decisions
but she wants to trust you enough to leave some of those
decisions in your hands. She wants a relationship that is based on
that level of mutual respect. She wants the experience of handing
herself over to someone else and knowing that she's safe in that.
She wants those things MORE than she wants to win and be
powerful. But... you're going to have to remind her of that
sometimes.

You're giving her what she wants. You're giving her what she
needs. If you can accept those two sentences this will get a lot
easier. And... to be clear, you're not ASSUMING that this is what
she needs because pop culture, rap music, and Penthouse letters
to the editor tell you it's what she wants... you're learning that
this is what she wants through informed and uncoerced
conversations with her.

Why? Why does she need this? You're really going to have
to ask her. There are lots of possible reasons. I'm going to talk
about some of these reasons... but humans are complicated
animals and figuring out where any particular human is coming
from requires really getting to know that individual. I'm also
going to say there are books out there that go into a lot more
detail about the mindset of a submissive, and I'll recommend
those books at the end of this one. But for a beginning...
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We want to know we've got strong people to count on. Why
do corporate team builders love those stupid trust falls? Because
there is value in knowing that the people around you will help you
when you need it. Power exchange is a way to explore this. You
let yourself be vulnerable in a fairly safe and pre negotiated way
and your partner steps up and takes care of you through that
vulnerability. This makes your relationship stronger.

There's also a basic human need for structure. Some of us
have the personality type to create it for ourselves, and some of
us desire to have it created for us. She may be of the latter type...
and it will help if you learn to be a bit more of the former type.

A lot of submissives are very alpha in other parts of their life
and strongly desire a place in their life where they don't have to
be. They want a partner who will carry the torch for them in part
of their life because it's the only way they can spend a few hours
without pressure during the day.

There's also a guilt-free component to submission. There is a
guilt that many in our society attach to sex. It seems sometimes
we're not supposed to want it... and when we do we're not
supposed to want anything other than missionary position. So the
idea of letting go of choice in some ways equates to letting go of
guilt. You can enjoy it more since you don't have to admit to
'wanting it.'

For some it's just sexy and exciting.
She Wants What? 25

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, most of us feel some
drive to be needed and most of us want to feel like someone
cares. The service component of a power exchange relationship is
a great way for her to feel really useful to you and for her to show
you that she cares. Similarly taking the reins for her for a little
while lets you feel needed and shows her that you care. There's
asymmetrical parity in the situation that works out really
beautifully when the right two people build a relationship with
the right structure!

Consent

All of this hinges on the idea of consent. Do not gloss over
this section of the book because there are no boobs in it. If she
doesn't consent - if you're not taking control of her because she
has given you permission to do so, you're an asshole. And you're
probably an abusive one. There is no room for prejudice in this!
No gender, type, ethnicity, or other group of people is naturally
submissive or naturally needs or deserves to be dominated. If you
did not agree with that sentence whole-heartedly, please close
this book and use it to beat yourself over the head immediately.
Actually, put this book down and go find a heavier one to beat
yourself over the head with. I should have written more pages
just for this eventuality.

Power exchange without consent is rape, abuse, assault,
unlawful imprisonment and a whole host of other things that you
do not want to do... or be accused of doing. You've got to
She Wants What? 26

understand what she consents to and what she doesn't consent
to.

How are you going to figure that out? By talking to her.
Consent gets handled in the power exchange community two
ways- 'limits' and 'safewords.'

Limits
Limits actually gets used to mean two things... Some people
use the word to mean 'things I don't like, but don't necessarily
REFUSE to do.' They'll frequently refer to these things as 'soft
limits.' I, personally, consider this language sort of crappy and
unclear.

To my mind, personal preferences should be called such. And
it's well and good to understand her personal preferences. But
you're not bound by them. Sometimes there are very good
reasons to do something that she would prefer you not to! And
'because I want to' is a fine reason to do something she doesn't
personally prefer, from time to time... or more frequently if
you've got a very good reason for it... after all, she IS placing trust
in you on these matters. You still have an obligation not to abuse
that trust and make her miserable by constantly inflicting things
on her that she hates... but these things ARE your decisions to
make and occasionally picking something off the 'don't like' list to
remind her that you get to do the picking does have its value.

When I actually use the word 'limits' I'm referring only to
things a sub does not consent to. These are things that, if her
She Wants What? 27

partner does anyway, she'll consider her trust broken. She may
also consider it assault or rape. You can't do anything to a person
that they don't consent to. The law is clear on that. So when you
talk to her about limits... make sure you understand what things
she absolutely does not give you permission to do to her. And
respect those things as inviolate. If, at some point after more
trust in built, you want her to consider pushing those limits, talk
about that then. But you talk first... because after she's told you
something is a limit, it remains that way until she tells you it's not.

Of course, not every violation of a limit is intentional. It's
possible the particular activity didn't come up during your
discussion beforehand (usually called negotiations) or that you
didn't understand. But if you DID understand it was a limit and
intentionally crossed it, you've done a harmful and shameful thing
and she ought to walk away and never give you another chance.
Trust is everything in this.

On the web you'll find "BDSM Checklists" or "Negotiations
Worksheets" that will attempt to give an encyclopedic list of
possible kinks so you can go through them together and mark off
the things you both love, the things you don't love but will
tolerate, and the things you don't consent to. It can be a useful
tool, but it's a supplement to, not a replacement for,
conversations with real depth. Talk about things you'd like to try.
Watch porn together. Go to events and watch other people play.
Talk some more. A good dominant IS creative and full of
surprises, but that doesn't mean you have to keep pulling new
ideas off of these crazy checklists and trying to learn to inflict
entirely new experiences on her. There's lots of time to learn
every skill on the list.
She Wants What? 28

But do start by figuring out some things that she's okay with
you doing to her and don't push her actual limits. Over time, as
trust is built, her limits may change and relax... but these are
things you find out in conversation with your clothes on... not
things you try your luck on in the heat of the moment.

I'm also not talking about a dominant's limits here. You don't
need to fill out the checklist, unless you're doing it to inform her
of some things that turn you on. Since you'll be the one
determining what happens next, you don't need to set limits - she
can't do things you don't consent to, if you're in charge of what
she does, right? Now... a dominant can have limits, but they
should be limits on a submissive's behavior. Appropriate
dominant limits might be 'if you resist, no striking my face or
groin' or 'if you talk back, you're not allowed to call me this
particular name.' These are the things that will make YOU say 'not
having fun any more, putting my clothes back on and leaving.' It's
okay to communicate those things to her. But, since you're the
one with the power in the issues, I still wouldn't call those limits...
I'd just call them rules you make and she had better follow!

Safe Words

Safewords are a method to revoke consent, either
temporarily or permanently. For some people they're silly made-
up codewords. Others use the standard public dungeon 'RED."
For many, plain language like "NO" is good enough. It depends on
She Wants What? 29

what kind of play you're doing. If you're enjoying a game where
she may struggle or beg you to stop - you need some kind of
codeword she can use to let you know the difference between
"No," that means "Please force me to do this," and "No," that
means "I really need you to stop and no longer consent to this
activity!" Also, if you're going to do anything to her that might
limit her ability to speak... gags, prolonged periods of penis-in-
the-mouth, etc., then you need to talk about how she can
communicate a 'I need a break' or 'I need to stop' even with her
mouth full, usually by rapid hand movement, or rhythmic
tapping... but in odd circumstances you may have to be creative
to make sure she always has some way to communicate with you.
You should never leave her in a situation that could get dangerous
without a way to communicate when she needs to. This also
means, as much fun as it sounds like to you... you can't leave her
tied up and go out to the bar for a pint. Things can turn from safe
to not very quickly and it's your responsibility to be paying
attention.

While we're on the subject of safewords, I want to take a
second to talk about responsibility. Yes, you need to stop if she
communicates that she doesn't consent to continue, but the
simple fact that she has the ability to stop the play doesn't free
you from the duty to be observant and make good decisions.
Some of the things you might choose to do to her, both pleasant
and painful, can put her in a state of mind where she's not fit to
judge whether or not she should continue... or that she might not
be able to communicate. If you start an activity gradually and
keep pausing to let her endorphins catch up, she can get to the
point where she can handle and perhaps not even notice pain that
is far beyond the point of damaging and harmful. You're the one
She Wants What? 30

with the position, perspective, and obligation to judge how much
she can really handle. So just because she didn't safeword out
doesn't make you right to keep going.

Also, it's your responsibility to evaluate your own state as
well. Your experience level, current mood, and sobriety (BE
SOBER) all heavily affect what activities it's safe to get into. And,
again out of parenthesis - BE SOBER. BDSM play and drugs and
alcohol don't mix safely. KNOW what your mental state is... and
know what HERS is too. Don't let her play so drunk that she
consents to things she'll regret! And really. Be sober. Even IF you
think you're sober enough for what you're doing - think about the
legal liability. If something goes wrong... whether it's because of
the drugs or alcohol or not... when it comes up in court that you
were inebriated but proceeded anyway... any 'I took reasonable
precautions' defense is dead in the water. Be sober. Also, you
might break people you care about.

Before you start any type of play with her, you need to
understand the techniques you'll be using. You can't count on her
to have the same knowledge about those techniques. You're the
person in the best position to judge what's happening in a scene.
If she gets to the point of using a safeword it usually means you
failed to stop five minutes before that happened.

We'll talk more about safety and how to figure out if you
need to stop later when we talk about play techniques, but for
now I want you to really understand the idea that it's your job to
keep her safe... not hers. She's putting trust in you... make sure
you deserve it.
She Wants What? 31

Chapter 2 Discussion
Chapter 2 Discussion

For this discussion, I recommend sitting comfortably in a chair
and asking her, not telling her, to kneel at your feet for the
discussion. If you haven't spent any time with someone you care
and respect voluntarily kneeling at your feet, you'll be surprised at
how powerful and erotic this non-sexual act can feel.

 In light of what you've learned in this chapter, you may want
to revisit why she's interested in submission. In particular, talk
about service, letting go of alpha tendencies from the rest of
life, and the sexiness of it. If you've found anything
interesting, talk to her about it.

 Talk about limits. Discuss anything that you wouldn't consent
to her doing back to you - hitting, biting, cursing? Then talk
about her limits and her personal dislikes - explain the
difference between things she doesn't like and things she
doesn't consent to. Talk about both.

 Ask her to share a fantasy with you. If she has trouble
articulating one, talk about yours... something that involves
power exchange or a bit of kink. Talk about a physical
She Wants What? 32

technique you're interested in or interested in learning more
about - bondage, flogging, spanking, orgasm denial, surely
there's something? If she, after talking about your fantasy
interest, still is having trouble coming up with something,
make it an assignment. If she's not comfortable telling you
(which should be a sign of something you need to work on)
then you can assign her to send you a link to a video or an
erotic fiction story she finds hot... give her 24 hours to find
one.

 This is also a good time to talk about safewords... and make
sure you talk about the fact that you know it's your
responsibility not to push her any further than you think she
can handle. It will take time to learn how much she really can
handle... but let her know you don't plan to try to push her all
the way there in the first scene or two!
She Wants What? 33

Chapter Three: The Dominant

I want to start with the bad news. You’re probably not A
Dominant. We are few and far between. That said, this fact is
VERY good news for society as a whole, and probably for you as
an individual.

Let me explain. I am a control freak. An authentic and true
alpha. This makes me miserable a lot of the time. I HATE being
told what to do. I’ve had GREAT bosses over the years at some of
my own jobs, who were real masters at both their trade and at
managing people. I hated them, and had to work actively to keep
myself from subverting them without even thinking about it. It’s a
simple fact of human society that nobody is in charge all of the
time, unless you get elected President or start a proper cult. I’ve
given real thought to the cult thing. The tax write-offs and the
harem of adoring acolytes and the… I digress.

I find myself taking over every club or organization or
company I associate with. Usually not consciously. I just realize
one day that I’m the leader – either actually, or de facto. Through
She Wants What? 34

making the right alliances, maneuvering at the right moment and
isolating anyone that tried to compete with me, I’m suddenly in
charge. If any of this sounds awesome to you, you’re a
Dominant. Also, you’re probably miserable too. I’m not a
sociopath. I feel bad if I hurt people in my quest for power. But
that guilt weighs on me less than the terror of being under
someone else’s thumb would. So I do it. And if I can’t do it, I lose
interest in the group or club or company and wander off to find
something I CAN be in charge of.

Oh, I can adapt. I’ve held jobs(though now I work for myself,
big surprise) and really great managers have recognized me for
what I was and used it- putting me IN CHARGE of something they
needed accomplished and getting out of the way. If they tried to
manage… the wheels came off. But if they wound me up and let
me go, I was a perfectly effective team member. Though, still
usually miserable after a few weeks when it sank in
subconsciously that someone was managing me… just cleverly.

You’re probably, hopefully, most likely less of a control freak
than me. And probably hopefully most likely happier. Now for
the bad news. It’s EASIER for me to be dominant in a relationship
because I’m so motivated to avoid the opposite. Statistically, I’m
the minority – which is good because too many arrogant
anarchists would make for a short lived society. Most people
actually thrive with some structure, if they feel safe and have
respect for the institution that imposes that structure. Hence,
why so many people feel a desire to be submissive.
She Wants What? 35

Shit, no, don’t cry. I’m not telling you that you’re actually a
submissive! Don’t flip back a chapter. It’ll be okay! Stay with
me!

It’s a GOOD thing for you, generally speaking, if you don’t
HAVE to be in control of everything in your life to feel at peace.
Having a well-balanced and healthy personality type doesn’t
mean you can’t be dominant about some things and get real joy
out of that. It just means that it’s going to take a little effort.

Let’s talk about the how and why…

Control

Who's in control when you're in the car? The first answer is
usually 'the driver.' They're the one with their hands on the
wheel, physically in control of whether the car stays between the
lines... when it accelerates and breaks... if you run into a fire
hydrant along the way.

The other possible and also correct answer is 'the person that
decides where the car is going. The President of the United States
doesn't drive his own car. But when he tells the driver to move,
the car moves. When he says 'turn around,' the car and all of the
cars with it are turning around. The only options the driver has
are 'follow instructions,' 'get in trouble,' or 'quit my job.' The
She Wants What? 36

president is in control of his own car, even from the back seat and
behind a pane of tinted glass.

As a dominant, if you only use the type of control where you
personally sit in the driver's seat and make every decision about
when to signal, when to change lanes, and what to do about every
sign you pass... you're going to get burnt out quickly. Knowing
when to drive and when to navigate is a huge plus. Sometimes it's
enough to get them on the right path and then say 'alright, tell me
when we get there and I'll tell you what to do next.'

I dated a girl once who really enjoyed being told what to
wear. We’ll call her E, so that the wench realizes when I ask her
to proofread this that I’m talking about her. Now, finding enough
clean-smelling and wrinkle-free clothes for myself every morning
is enough of a hassle for me without taking it on for her too... I'm
much more likely to assign her to make sure I'VE got something to
wear every day than I am to be interested in dealing with her
wardrobe... I'm supposed to be the one dictating here... not just
playing the role exactly the way she imagines it in her head...
right?

What's the solution? Analysis. When I stopped and thought
about it, I realized that her motive in asking was wanting to make
sure I was happy with how she looked - she wasn't making a
demand, she was trying to please me. She liked looking in the
mirror and knowing she looked just like I wanted her to. That’s
not obnoxious; that’s romantic and devoted. We should
encourage that shit, right? But how, without going insane?
She Wants What? 37

If I don't want a lot of extra trouble... I set a guideline. ' I
expect to see you in a dress or skirt anytime you're around me,
unless you've got prior permission for pants.' I could have gone
further - outlaw any particular shoes I hate, or assign colors for
days of the week, or whatever else I could come up with... This
way she gets to think about making me happy every time she gets
dressed and I don't have to take an inventory of her closet, figure
out what matches (good damned luck) and then spend ten
minutes every morning coming up with a costume for her. I've
also filed away, since this is something that she obviously enjoys,
that once in a while I can make a specific request before a date
(wear the dress you wore to that thing when we first met) and
she'll appreciate the extra little bit of guidance. That's navigating
the car. Being the boss means being able to DELEGATE the details
once you've provided clear guidance.

What the hell do you get out of this?

This is a reasonable question I was asked by a girl who was
considering becoming a submissive. Isn't life enough stress with
taking care of one person's decisions without being responsible
for another? It sounds like a lot of work. What do you get out of
it?

It can be a lot of work.

But it can also be less stress than a vanilla relationship with
the same woman. If I want something from her, I tell her and it
She Wants What? 38

happens. Does this sound like a situation where I'm using her? It
is. If that's still bothering you, you need to go back to the last
section a little and really ponder her answers to the 'why do you
want this' questions. You've got to wrap your head around the
idea that she WANTS to be useful to you. There is a difference
between taking advantage of her and letting her be useful to you.
One of the thing I get out of this relationship is a really useful
partner.

I get a happy partner. Part of why I do this is for her. I DO
want to make her happy.

I also feel good. Being with a woman who chooses to be my
submissive makes me feel important, respected, loved, trusted,
cared for, needed, and a host of other things. Yes, these are
feelings you can get in a vanilla relationship too, but they're very
obvious in a power exchanged relationship. There's a huge
compliment implied by an intelligent and strong person choosing
to submit to you.

And it's fun. There's something undeniably animally exciting
about knowing you can say 'lose the clothes, go upstairs and wait
for me,' and she'll gladly do it. You BOTH feel a glee as the
seconds tick by and she wonders if she's waiting moments or
minutes or more. There's a rush that comes from grabbing her
hand as she starts to walk away to pull her back and whisper
'you're mine.' in her ear. There's infinite enjoyment in the game
of her trying to get away from the couch fast enough every time
she stands up that she avoids the ass-smack you've got aimed at
her. Who wouldn't enjoy having a sex slave?
She Wants What? 39

Can I do it?

Not everyone can be a successful dominant. There's no
simple test to determine if you've got it, but there are some
qualities you need to have.

First and foremost you need awareness. This starts with self.
You have to be able to honestly examine yourself and admit to
yourself what you're thinking and feeling. You need to be able to
figure out why you do or feel something. You need to know when
you're reacting to something emotionally and ought to wait a few
hours to give a response.

Then you need to be aware of those around you. You HAVE
to be smart enough and disciplined enough to analyze another
person’s actions for motive. Frequently, you have to be better at
figuring out why your partner does things than she is. The reason
for this is – you have to identify and address the underlying
motives behind her actions and wants, because you’re NOT
always going to be giving into them directly.

Secondly, you need to have a giver's heart. This isn't a game
for the selfish. That seems contradictory at first, because you're
going to be getting what you want in this relationship... but you
can never lose sight of the fact that you're responsible for
someone else and you've got to put her safety and security above
She Wants What? 40

your needs. If you cannot look at something from her
perspective and don't trust yourself to do what is best for her,
then you shouldn't pursue this any further. If you don't have a
basic level of emotional stability right now, you need to find that
before you let her count on you in this way. If you lose your
stability along the way, you need to be self-aware and selfless
enough to recognize that and let her know that you need to take a
step back from some of the power she's given you until you're
ready to use it safely again.

Thirdly, you need a certain amount of humility and a
willingness to learn. You have to be able to admit what you don't
know. You must be able to ask others for help. In a later chapter
I'll talk more about what sort of 'community' is out there to help
with this sort of thing, but you can't do it all alone and this book
isn't even close to enough extra help. You need to be able to
approach others and say "I don't know this, and I think I need to.
Can you help me learn it?"

What do I need to do to get started?
 Finish this book.
 Then think a lot.
 Then read another book. Or 10.
 Then read the entire internet. All of it.
 Then climb a mountain, spend 30 years studying with
Buddhist monks.
 Then send me a million dollars.
 You are now almost certainly ready to get started.
Thanks for the money.
She Wants What? 41

Okay... I'll take another stab at that advice. To get started,
you need to learn and you need to network. Go slowly and be
patient. Make HER go slowly and be patient.

What do you need to learn?

The safety answer comes first - you need to learn about any
physical technique you want to use on her. That's all introduced
in the next chapter, but for now I want to go over the fact that all
of the techniques for torture and tease can be piles of fun, but
they're also dangerous when improperly applied. Never do
anything you're not qualified for. There's enough info in this book
to get you started experimenting... you shouldn't get so scared
that you're afraid to touch her. But you also need to have a
healthy respect for the harm you can cause if you just start
swinging the whips at her.

You also need to learn more about yourself. This is a journey.
Finishing this book won't make you a master of all things 'domly.'
You've got to spend some time identifying what you want out of a
relationship and a partner. And what you want out of life, and
how she can fit into that plan.

And you need to keep learning about power exchange. I
recommend getting involved in the online community a bit,
though I also recommend interpreting everything you hear there
through the lens of your own personal 'does this make sense?'
filter. I recommend reading more books, and I'll recommend a
She Wants What? 42

few of them later on. I HIGHLY recommend meeting a few people
in the local community wherever you live. I'll talk more about
that, and to what level you want to be involved there... but
having REAL face to face friends is very valuable when you want to
learn a technique, or ask 'why do you do that?' about something
in their relationship, or go to for advice about a specific road block
you've hit.

Her Only Choice

Does your partner really want another boss in her life? Surely
she doesn't want to get off work, where she had to do whatever
her boss said to get rewards or avoid punishment and go right
back to work doing whatever her 'home boss' says to do, does
she? Why the hell did she make you read this book, again?

The boss analogy has a flaw. Priorities. Your boss’s priority,
no matter what crap he may say to you in the motivational
meetings, isn't to help you out. It's to help the company out, so
that HE can get bigger rewards than you get.

What your partner wants is different than a boss. The best
analogy I've ever heard for a relationship with power exchange
I've stolen wholesale from a submissive... she was an athlete for
most of her life and just recently retired at the end of her college
career. She said to me, during one of our first conversations
about power exchange, that she missed having a coach in her life.
She Wants What? 43

That's really a perfect model for what a dominant is in a
relationship.

A coach is an authority figure with power over you, but if
they're a good one, they're using that power for your benefit as
much as theirs. They want to see you succeed. An athlete can
quit any time - but unless they're ready to walk away, then they'd
better do what the coach says. A coach should be respected,
loved, feared a little, and trusted completely. This is what she
wants. Someone to hold her accountable, but someone who is
always on her team too. Someone who will set goals, demand
excellence and share in her triumphs and failures. She wants
support and structure.

If she believes that the team is your priority, she will push
herself as hard as she can for you. If you let your self-interest win
over the team's interest, you're being a shitty coach. She should
bring that to your attention, and if you can't fix it, she should fire
you.

It's important to make it clear to her that if you go down this
path together, if she asks you to be her dominant, you're going to
take that seriously. She doesn't get a vote on any issue she's
transferred power on. She can still express her opinion, in a
respectful way... and in fact you should make it clear that you
want, and in fact demand that she express her opinion if she ever
thinks you're making a decision that isn't in her or the
relationship's best interest... but in the end, once she gives you
power, the only choice she still has on those issues is 'comply or
She Wants What? 44

quit.' She shouldn't give you that power if she doesn't trust you
to use it.

If she can't come to terms with that idea, then you two are
either moving too fast... or what she actually wants is just some
kinky role play, not a real power exchanged relationship. In which
case, you can just sort of read the chapter on bedroom stuff and
call it done.

This isn’t to say that you can’t renegotiate, moving the
boundaries forward or backward as you see fit. But, one thing she
is almost CERTAINLY going to try to do, subconsciously, is give up
power on something and then the first time you DON’T use it
EXACTLY the way she expected or wanted, try to yank back that
control. How you handle this moment will be definitive of the
rest of your relationship.

Read that again. How you handle it, when she tries to jerk
back control of something she said she wants to give up is
definitive. And I can’t tell you here, in the pages of a book, how
to handle it. For some couples this might be the moment when
you both realize that kinky role play was all you really wanted and
you need to drop this power exchange shit before it drives you
apart. For other couples her recoil may be authentic, but this
journey may have taught you that power is actually something
you crave in a relationship. Now you have a mismatch of major
relationship goals that you either have to reconcile… or not. But,
I DO think… with most couples, standing your ground is the right
answer. It’s a subconscious test on her part – a trial to see if
you’re strong enough to really keep the power she’s given you.
She Wants What? 45

So MOST of the time, the right answer is to stand your
ground, double check your internal motives, double check her
understanding that this is something she wanted you in charge of,
and then remind her to trust you… that this is what you both
want. She may pout for a while. Pouting should NEVER be against
the rules, in my opinion. But it should also never get her what
she wants.

What About Later?
Here’s an annoying truth. Relationships take hard work. And
they’re never the only thing we have to focus on in life. Are they
the most important thing? Absolutely. But that fact isn’t enough
to keep them at the front of our minds all the time.

Power exchange MUST be maintained or it fades. This isn’t
ALWAYS the worst thing in the world. If you’re both happy – then
the relationship is still working – even if it’s different from what
you initially set out to live. But, more often than not, when you
look around in two years and realize you’re bored and maybe it’s
time to answer some of those emails from attractive and single
people in your inbox - it’s usually that the maintenance lapsed
and you miss what you had, but think it would be easier to find it
with someone new than to restore it with your existing partner.

And you’re right. Let’s be honest. New Relationship Energy
is awesome. And not having patterns to fight against makes
structure much easier to establish. But… you’re also talking
She Wants What? 46

about starting all over on falling in love. And that sucks. I’m just
going to ASSUME that your current partner has some traits you
like, or you’d have already buried them in the back yard. Plus
you’d have to teach the new one how you want the dishwasher
loaded and why it’s best if your socks just stay on the floor all the
time, and you’ve just ALMOST got those things handled with your
existing partner. So, for the moment, let’s put a TINY bit of effort
into fixing the relationship we’ve got before we give up?

If you’re looking for how to do that in this paragraph, I’m
going to hit you over the head with this book. The ENTIRE book is
about how to break old patterns and start on a path with more
power exchange. It’s no different to restore power exchange to a
relationship that once had it than it is to put it into a relationship
that never has… it’s just a little harder and a little less exciting
and glamorous. But the process is the same. Communicate. Find
shared goals. Make a plan to get there. Start with limited times
and places. Reevaluate often.

Chapter 3 Discussion

Tonight, sit level with her, as an equal.

 Talk to her tonight about the difference between driving and
navigating. Make it clear that if you become the navigator
that doesn't mean she won't have to drive... in fact on some
things she'll now have to drive better to meet your
She Wants What? 47

expectations. Give her an example of something you might
put her in charge of driving. You can use my example of
picking out clothes, or something you personally would love to
delegate to her- caring for the rope and sex toys, seeing that
all the bills get paid on time, etc. A dominant is not
automatically great at everything. Admit what you suck at,
and assign HER to pick up the slack. As long as you’re doing
the delegation, you’re still in charge.

 Talk to her about the things you're going to try to learn in the
next few weeks or months -both physical techniques and/or
things you'd like to learn about relationships in general or D/s
relationships in particular.

 Finally, explain the idea of "Her Only Choice" to her. Explain
that if she hands over control to you on some parts of her life,
that her only choice after that moment is to revoke that
control, either by breaking up with you or going back to a
vanilla relationship, if that's an option. That you are NOT
going to be undermined by her constantly giving a bit of
power, and then trying to take it away when you actually use
it. Make sure she understands this. She no longer gets an
official 'vote' in the things she's asked you to be in charge of.
She has to really understand and be willing to accept that.
Make it clear that she does get a chance to SAY anything she
needs to - you'll always listen, but in the end you'll decide.
Make sure this is what she wants.
She Wants What? 48

Chapter Four: Playing Around:
The Bedroom and Other Types
of Casual Power Exchange

I really struggled with how to organize this book. To me, this
really ought to be the last chapter, because it's less important to
my power exchange. I could have a power exchanged relationship
where we didn't have any kinky sex... I can't imagine why you
WOULDN'T want to have that amount of fun, but it would
definitely be possible. That said, I know there are plenty of
people reading this book who just want to exchange power
She Wants What? 49

sexually... and I shouldn't make them slog through more chapters
on relationship theory before I let them take their pants off!

You WILL get more out of this book if you read it all and then
apply the parts you like and dismiss the parts you don't. But I'm
not going to stand between the people and what they want. And
some of the ideas of power exchange can be learned from the
kinky sex and then applied to other parts of the relationship... so
it's not an awful place to start, after all. That said, this is going to
be a very brief, incomplete, and high level survey of some of the
things you can get into in the bedroom. A couple of the tomes in
the ‘suggested reading’ at the end are much more thorough at the
specifics!

Start the clock...

Whatever flavor of power exchange you eventually want in
your relationship... jumping all the way in is daunting, and
probably won't be successful. Trying to exchange 'all power' right
away without some practice at it would overwhelm and burn you
both out. So my first bit of practical advice - set clearly defined
boundaries to the power exchange. Make it clear that these
boundaries are temporary - they can move either direction once
you're comfortable, but for now, these are the terms of your
power exchange.

What do I recommend to start with? Two hours a night, two
nights a week seems about right. These two hours can be used
She Wants What? 50

for whatever you want, but I'd recommend that, at least at first,
you try to spend about 75% of this time on sexy fun and about
25% playing at incorporating power exchange into other activities.

The rest of the chapter will elaborate on sexy fun, but some
examples of ‘other activities might include:
 You could have her strip down and be your personal
waitress one night while you enjoy dinner by candle light.
 You could make her kneel on the floor and hug your legs
instead of sitting beside you while you watch TV, and
expect her to ask permission before she leaves the room.
 You could take her out on a date where she has to wear
what you tell her to, do what you tell her to, walk beside
you and hold your arm, not speak to anyone but you,
including letting you order her dinner... whatever you can
come up with.

This is play -you're letting her experience what life is like
when you make all of the decisions and you're getting a chance to
take control in a safe way with clear time-limits.

Another way to set boundaries to power exchange is by
location - pick a room of the house and exchange power
whenever you're in that room. The bedroom is an obvious choice,
of course. Whenever you enter the bedroom, change modes.
Actually, being respectful in the bedroom and taking any
disagreements to another room isn't a bad relationship rule for
vanilla couples, either.
She Wants What? 51

As far as the bedroom goes - well I shouldn't have to tell you
how to enjoy a sex slave, should I? But, because typing about it
gets me a little turned on... I suppose I can elaborate. Nothing in
this chapter is 'the way it has to be.' All of this is really just one
example of how to get started. Use what you like, throw away
what you don't. But if you don't have a clue what to do first, this
will get you moving!

What to do first?

This one is easy for me. Make her kneel. Put her on her
knees. The very first thing I do with anyone I wind up playing
kinky with is teach her how I want her to kneel. How do you
want her to kneel? Whatever way makes her look sexiest to you.
Look at pictures of people with similar body types to her kneeling
and pick a position you find pleasing. I like kneeling positions
where she gets to sit her butt back on her feet because I like to
leave her there a while and if I'm going to wear her out, it's not
going to be with all the kneeling.

So, tell her to kneel. Once she's on her knees, stand three
feet in front of her and give her smiling, clear, and firm
instructions on how you'd like her to kneel. You can touch her
gently and instructively as you explain where you want her legs,
her butt, her shoulders, her hands and her head. Explain that this
is the position she should return to to receive instructions or ask a
question. Did you make her strip first? If not, and you two are
already sexually intimate then this is a good time to make her
She Wants What? 52

strip and get back to kneeling. If you're not sexually intimate, you
don't need to rush that in order to enjoy power exchange, but I'm
going to mostly assume you are for the purposes of this chapter.

I also love to crouch down in front of her, once she's in the
kneeling position and hug or kiss her. I never punish her in this
kneeling position, because I want to teach her that this is a safe
position - seeing her there makes me happy... I want her to love
kneeling in front of me. It's important to make her feel sexy here
too. Tell her how much it turns you on to have her kneeling in
front of you. Run a hand across her shoulder... tug on her hair a
little. If you're hard, tug her cheek or hand into the front of your
pants briefly so she can feel the effect she's having on you.

I'll talk more about the idea of ritual in the next chapter, but,
for now, I just want to mention that kneeling to start a play
session IS a ritual, and it has value. It marks that this time is
different from the rest of your life, and it gives you both a few
seconds to 'switch gears.' to the right frame of mind for play.

Okay, she’s naked, now what?

Dude, stop asking me and do what you want.
She Wants What? 53

But if you're still looking at this book instead of the naked
woman in front of you... here are some ideas. Don't try to work
them ALL into a first scene... you'll wind up spending more time
switching positions and trying to figure out where to put your
hands than teenagers playing Twister. Pick a couple, keep the
first scene short and end it on a high note, if you can.

Have her undress you. Ask her to stand up and undress you.
Have her fold and stack your clothes, then have her return to
kneeling. Did you just notice one of the awesome things about
kneeling? It's pretty impossible for her to NOT be thinking about
your penis when it's at head level.

Make her give you a massage. This is a very intimate act and
one that makes her new role of being useful to you very clear.
And it feels good

Are you, or she, into, or curious about spanking? Spanking is
an easy one to start out with in a first or second play session.

Here are the basics. This is by no means an exhaustive guide
to spanking... go find that before you go crazy. But these basics
will get you going. Start by making it really clear that this
spanking is for fun- yours and hers. You're not punishing her for
doing anything wrong. She doesn't just get spanked when she
breaks a rule... she gets spanked whenever it makes you happy to
spank her.
She Wants What? 54

Spanking should only be administered to the soft fleshy parts
of the body. Hitting bone will only hurt both of you, and you need
to know a bit more before you start working on her back as well.
(Kidneys!) For now, keep it to the butt and inner and outer thighs.
Do NOT EVER strike the face unless you've been taught by
someone how to do it, and then sue THEM, not ME, when you
hurt your partner anyway. There are tiny nerves in the face, as
well as a couple of fairly important organs doctors call your
freakin' eyes and brain. All of these things can suffer permanent
damage if slapped improperly.

Spank with a cupped hand with your fingers together and
start out just hard enough to get a good slapping sound. Move
the smacks around... don't land your hand in the same place every
time. Alternate a few spanks with thirty seconds of rubbing your
hand softly over the skin, just hard and fast enough to generate
warmth with the rubbing. Then administer a few more spanks
and rub again. Warming the skin keeps the blood flowing, which
keeps her feeling the 'good spanking' feeling longer. If you spank
too hard or too fast, she'll pass the 'quick bites of pain followed by
a warm awesome feeling' place and get to the 'oh my freaking
god, stop and get me some ice' place. If you work her up slowly
and gently, always erring on the side of a little too gentle, you
may be amazed at how much spanking she can take. After a few
minutes, rub deeper into the muscles of her ass... this time trying
to help her remember to relax between the spankings... working
out any knots of tightness you find... and again, giving time for her
body to catch up and be ready for the next round.

The reason pain games can be fun is because they release
endorphins - the body's natural painkillers. And, much like
She Wants What? 55

prescription painkillers, endorphins have a side effect of giving
you a bit of a high. The trick you're trying to master, and it will
only come with practice and instruction (read the later chapter on
the local scene and find someone to actually SHOW you) is to
gradually increase the intensity of the spanking at the same rate
that the endorphins kick in to dull the pain. So even though you'll
be escalating the smacks on her ass as you go on, you won't be
escalating the pain she feels all that much... just getting her body
to release more and more endorphins.

Moving on from spanking, sex toys can be tons of fun! Tease
her. Tease her until she can't stop thrashing around and begs you
to stop. Then tease her some more. Smile a lot while you do it
and act really patient, like YOU can manage this all day. That will
really piss her off.

Make her wait. It's easy to get excited and keep rushing from
activity to activity. Waiting and wondering are really powerful
things to put her through too. Blindfold her and then be
completely silent for a few seconds. It will seem like minutes to
her... wondering what you're planning... or if you're even still
watching... before you surprise her with your next naughty trick.
Controlling the pace is an excellent way to build excitement
without needing to develop any physical tricks or techniques!

Also, sex. Have sex with her. Pull her hair, pin her hands over
her head or behind her back, pick her up and move her from
position to position when you want to. Take sex the way you like
it. Don't ask a lot about what she wants, just do and enjoy.
She Wants What? 56

Of Human...

Bondage? Tying a partner up is a great way to really let her
experience powerlessness... and a lot of people find it pretty sexy
to look at too. You might even get hooked on it as a hobby - there
are years worth of things to learn and do! But put the rope down
and keep reading, for a few minutes anyway.

Bondage carries with it some dangers. No matter what
you're using for bondage, you need to remember that applied too
tightly, in the wrong spot, or left on for too long, you can seriously
damage nerves, skin, or blood vessels and you can stop the
movement of blood or air... with potentially fatal results. There's
also the risk of falling or falling over with some bondage positions.

Go find specific instructions for any particular bondage
technique you want to try out... This book isn't going to try to be
a bondage text-book. The web is full of how-to information on
this, and there are some great books on the subject as well. See
my recommended reading list for some references there. Any
good reference on the subject will give you specific safety advice
for the techniques they're teaching you... but I'm also going to
include some general safety tips here for redundancy.

In general, no rope needs to be THAT tight to hold a person.
You should be able to put a finger or two underneath the ropes if
you wanted to. Really inescapable bondage isn't USUALLY the
product of one very tight tie around the wrists or ankles... it's
She Wants What? 57

typically the product of tying that joint with appropriate looseness
for circulating and comfort, and then tieing another joint or two
to limit their range of motion enough to keep them from slipping
out of the first tie. A great example is the traditional 'box tie.' It's
a sex as hell looking chest harness, as you'll see in the next couple
of pictures... but no part of it is tied 'tight.' The wrists are bound
loosely... you could totally slip out of it... except....those loops
around your arms won't let you draw your arms back. And the
loops around your arms aren't that tight. If your wrists weren't
tied and your chest wasn't secured... you could work your arms
up... It's a well planned collection of minor restrictions that add
up to something inescapable, and beautiful to look at.

Which brings up a good point - for now, don't focus on really
inescapable bondage. Explain to her that you could absolutely tie
her up tight enough that she could never wriggle out of it by just
cinching the ropes down until she turned blue, but that it
wouldn't necessarily be comfortable or safe. Explain that you
expect her not to really try to escape from casual bondage. Make
it tight enough to make it hard for her to get away, and impossible
for her to get away quickly, and you're fine for now. If she really
wants to play the escape game... you need to learn a lot more
about bondage before you try to win! This CAN, of course, be a
fun game. Tie her up and offer reward if she can get out in a time
limit... and consequence if she can't. But - the kind of bondage
that safely but inescapably keeps someone TRULY against their
'will' is a fairly specialized thing - do your own research.

Never leave a tied person unattended. Things can go from
fine to dead very quickly. The equipment can break, they can lose
consciousness and quit holding themselves up, the ropes can slip
She Wants What? 58

to a new location, the house can catch fire... or any manner of
other unforeseen unfortunate events can occur. Don't screw
around here. If you need to leave her restrained while you go
grocery shopping (WHY?) then you both need to have a
conversation about the risks involved. The 'self-bondage'
community (Yes there are people who do this solo....) have a lot of
websites that might give you advice on tricks for emergency
releases and such... but... really... push those ideas from your
head.

If you want to leave her in a predicament while you go to
work... leave her with two hours worth of important projects to
do while you'll only be gone for an hour... and let her know what
the consequences will be if she's not finished. Lying around tied
to things is useless and boring. You're not into useless and boring
women. Make her work her ASS OFF to please you while you're
gone. That's what's fun. One idea I often suggest when asked
about the 'but I want to leave her tied up while I'm gone' thing...
Leave her naked and put a lock on the outside of the closet... and
a bike 'chain' through the handles of the dresser. Don't allow her
a shred of clothing or any way to get one! She's DEFINITELY
trapped for the day and spending it cursing you, but if the furnace
explodes into flames, she can STILL wrap a sheet around herself
and make it to safety.

Until you're very good at tying someone up and you really
know how this person responds to being tied various ways, don't
do it while their ability to communicate is compromised (no gags
right now!)
She Wants What? 59

Always ask yourself the what-if questions. What will happen
if the rope breaks? What will happen if she loses her balance?
What will happen if that ring falls out of the ceiling? You
shouldn't be attempting suspension bondage until you've gotten a
very good set of in-person lessons and practiced under
supervision for a while. But even positions that look less
dangerous can become so if you've tied her standing up and she
falls over suddenly and unexpectedly putting all of her weight on
a piece of rope attached somewhere...

Which definitely leads into another important one. Don't do
anything that might strangle her to death. Rope should NEVER go
around her neck. Even when you're using a purpose-made collar
that you know won't cinch tight, you should still never attach it to
anything in a way that could cause it to take weight if she fell or if
something broke or... anything else. Don't strangle her. I mean it.
Strangling is bad.

Enough with the safety crap...

You can use ropes, scarves, purpose-made cuffs, plastic-zip
ties, saran wrap or any manner of other things to make it difficult
or impossible for your partner to move one or more of their
joints... Again, I'm not going to teach all the techniques you need
here, but I'll give some basics - really just an introduction to some
She Wants What? 60

terms so you know what to google with safe-search off in order to
find the instructions.

As far as what to use - you can spend a ton of money on very
nice supplies, or pick up everything you need at the local
hardware store for fifteen dollars. It's up to you. To get started,
I'd used braided 'MFP' rope (multifilament polypropylene, for
those of you who think it's sexy when I talk technically...) either
¼" or ⅜". MFP is soft enough, holds knots adequately, and is
really easy to care for. I'm a bit of a hemp enthusiast myself,
but... natural fibers (hemp, silk, and cotton) are much harder to
clean and oil and terminate and... just go to the hardware store
and get the braided MFP for now. Trust me. If you really need it
to be prettier – try the farm and feed stores. Horse people also
have some uses for soft rope that holds a knot well, and they tend
to like it in a wider variety of colors and patterns than hardware
people.
When you cut any plastic type rope – MFP, nylon, etc., take
a lighter or match and melt the cut ends a little bit to stop it from
unravelling on you. If you find that you enjoy bondage, you'll
spend a lot more money on nice leather cuffs, properly
conditioned hemp rope, and a big assortment of spreaders and
tighteners and other bits of hardware... but for now all you need
is some rope. Whatever source you find for specific instructions
should tell you what rope they recommend you have, but when I
go out of town, my overnight bag has at least...

1- 50' length, for chest harnesses
4- 20' lengths, for two column ties
She Wants What? 61

4- 12' lengths for single column ties, or to tie out to
furniture legs, etc...
2 6' lengths for various little jobs

A "single-column tie" is a tie that goes around one piece of
the body - Tying a cuff around one wrist or ankle is a single
column tie, but so is tying a rope all the way around her waist or
chest... or tying a rope around a fixed beam or pole. In fact, you
can use a single-column tie technique to wrap two objects as IF
they were a single column… which is technically a two-column tie,
but… done with one of the techniques used for single column
ties. Don’t get lost in the semantics. Just go to the internet and
learn at least one technique for a single column tie!

When you're tying a single-column tie you need to think
about how to spread any load against the rope out. If you lean
on me with all of your weight spread out across your flat palm,
you probably won't even cause a bruise. If you lean on me with a
knife in your hand, you'll cut deeply. Similarly, if you tie me to a
chair with the rope wrapped several times to spread the force
out, I probably won't even leave marks on my arm no matter how
hard I struggle... but if you cuff me to something with a small
plastic zip tie... even minor struggling could leave dangerous and
ugly cuts! Beyond spreading the load out, the other concern in a
single column tie is making sure it won't loosen or tighten. "Slip
knots" are dangerous. Find a technique where tugging on the
ends of the rope do not tighten the loop or loops around their
body!
She Wants What? 62

A "two column tie" is just what it sounds like - when you tie
two 'column shaped' objects together. This could be both wrists,
an arm to a leg, an ankle to a chair-leg, a hand to their waist (or
two already tied together hands to the waist). Typically a two
column tie is done in two parts - first you make the loops that tie
the two columns together, then you wrap the rope in between
the two columns to 'cinch' the loops, adjusting the tightness and
the space between the two columns to be tied.

Building from those two basic techniques, you'll discover lots
of different positions and more advanced variations.

A "hog-tie" is a tie where, typically, the wrists are bound
together as a two column tie behind the back, the ankles are
bound together as a two-column tie, and then the ankles are
brought up and tied to the wrists, a chest harness, the hair… or
some other anchor point that generally keeps the hands and feet
close to each other. It's a very helpless position and one many
dominants find visually pleasing as well. It doesn't give great
access to many of the erogenous zones for active stimulation...
but if you thought ahead and incorporated toys into the bondage
predicament, it can be an entertaining tie to watch her squirm in!
Various variations include tying her wrists in front of, instead of
behind her and then bringing them back over her head to attach
to her ankles with a longer rope, and additional two-column ties
around her elbows or knees to further limit her motion in the
position.
She Wants What? 63

"Spread Eagle" is a fairly self explanatory position. She's tied,
either face down or, more typically, face up to a bed, table, or
other surface with her hands and legs tied apart... typically spread
about as far apart as can be. If you wrap her ankle, and then her
foot, in such a way as to keep her toes pointed out, you take away
her ability to swivel her hips and bring her knees together. If...
you know... there were things between her legs you wanted
unobstructed access to. I don't know you.

Below, I've included a little illustration that shows how I make
an under-the-mattress harness out of a few bits of small rope and
a few metal rings. This harness is excellent for accomplishing a
spread eagle position when the headboard and footboard aren't
appropriate for attaching to. You can also typically go underneath
the box springs and tie directly to the legs of most bed frames if
you prefer, but the under the mattress harness can stay in place
all the time without calling attention to the fact that your
bedroom doubles as a dungeon, and you can pick up the mattress
in a hotel and toss this under there in a few seconds! The spread
eagle position is, pretty damned obviously, a position that makes
her very vulnerable to many kinds of pleasure and pain, as well as
penetrative sex of a couple of flavors!

The "Frog Tie" is a position where her upper legs are tied to
her lower ones, with the knees bent. She can sort of crawl about
in this position, and that can be funny to watch. It's a good
position for general genital violation, though keep in mind that
she can close her legs rather forcefully in this tie, unless you've
She Wants What? 64

finished it off by then attaching her legs to the bed or a table or
some other instrument that will keep them open for you! You can
accomplish this tie by using a two-column tie between the ankle
and upper thigh. To finish off, you can then attach her hands to
her ankles, tie them behind her, or tie them above her head (the
under the mattress harness comes to the rescue again!).

A "Ball Tie" is a position where you bind her into a little ball,
similar to the fetal position. Her knees are bent and her lower
legs are typically tied to her upper legs (just like a frog tie) in two-
column ties, then her upper legs are tied against her chest,
typically by tying all the way around her torso and legs as if they
were a single column. Her ankles or legs can be tied together, to
keep them from being able to move side to side. Typically her
hands are tied together as well - they may be tied to the ankles,
they may be tied together in front of and hugging the legs, or they
could be tied behind her back. Care must be taken that you don't
overly compress her chest with this position. It can be tied in such
a way that she can be rolled onto her side to give you access to
her genitals if you'd like to...

A"Chest Harness" is a slightly more complex tie with a lot of
variations available. By itself it doesn't actually restrict motion...
but it can be used as a foundation for many other bound
positions. The legs can be attached to the front of a chest harness
as part of a ball tie - the wrists and legs can be attached to the
chest harness for a much more comfortable (and safer, longer-
lasting) hog-tie. Follow the instructions you find carefully for a
chest harness, especially when they talk about how much slack to
leave at each stage. A well-designed chest harness is like a big-
armed hug- it will leave her feeling very secure but not unduly
She Wants What? 65

constrict any particular part of her. It's also, well executed, a
safer way to leave her in bondage for longer - as, by design, a
good chest harness distributes any load that pulls on it across her
chest and shoulders - parts of the body that are much better at
taking loads this way than wrists and ankles. Chest Harnesses
range from simple and fast to intricate and all day! There are
entire books on the subject!

There are many other possible bondage positions out there!
Do your own porn research... then do your own technique
research! This is an area where getting involved in the local
community will do you wonders... there is no substitute for being
taught a technique first hand, then having some supervision when
you first try it!

And… some of the fun of bondage isn’t just tying her up!
Look for things to tie her TO which will further limit mobility and
create interesting positions. You don’t HAVE to convert the spare
room to a dungeon full of purpose-built equipment. ((But, of
course, you should.)) Once you start down this road, every chair,
stool, ottoman and table you see will find itself evaluated for
potential!
She Wants What? 66

Okay, I bought the rope. What else do I pick
up at the Big Box Store? Wait? This stuff’s on
the internet?

You can spend huge money on toys and even purpose built
furniture for play... but you don't need to! I'm going to list off a
few things that I think you might want to consider... and let you
discover the rest on your own. You don't NEED anything to have a
scene... Your bare hand makes an excellent spanking
implement... and sometimes ordering her to hold still and
punishing her if she can't is more fun than tying her up anyway!

Restraints Other than rope, you can get all sorts of purpose-
built devices for holding her in place. Simple cuffs in leather or
fabric are a good multi-purpose purchase. The local sex toy store
probably has some cute ones that velcro shut, though she can
usually weasel her way out of the velcro! They may have some
furry lined leather ones too... Just... keep in mind that the
quality of the 'mass produced' ones is generally low and the price
is generally high. If you're willing to wait on amazon or ebay to
get things to you, you can frequently find much better done by
people who actually care about how well and safely your sub is
held in place. And don't discount the DIY options - thrift store
leather belts go for a dollar each generally and can be cut and
modified liberally!

You can also find more specialized restraints - stocks, fiddles,
spreader bars... I'll leave it to the internet to educate you on
these things, but they're out there.. I personally don't use one
She Wants What? 67

particular bondage position enough to need many of the
specialized (and frequently expensive) restraints that often,
though spreader bars are simple to buy or build and provide
plenty of enjoyment!

There's a handy product out there called 'bondage tape.' It
works on the same principle as cling wrap - it sticks very well to
itself but not to anything else. It can be handy for quick bondage
play! For that matter, cling wrap can be handy for that too!

And a special note on one type of restraint... collars. Collars
can be incredibly visually stimulating and incredibly sexy to put on
and wear. They also bear a striking functional resemblance to a
noose. Never attach a collar to anything that could ever wind up
putting a lot of force on it. Save the collar for the leash... if you
need to keep her from moving, tie a chest harness on her!

Collars also have a symbolic meaning in many parts of the
'lifestyle.' They can be a symbol that a submissive or slave is
'owned.' I'll talk a lot more about this in the next chapter. For
now, accept that it means whatever you want it to mean in your
relationship... if you like it, buy it. If not, don't. And don't worry
what anybody else means when they put theirs on!

Gags, which limit a submissive's ability to speak or make
sound can be a lot of fun... they come in too many varieties to
mention here. Pick what you like. But read up on the style you're
thinking about. That face-hole she uses to wine at you about not
playing with her enough is one of the face-holes she uses to
She Wants What? 68

occasionally take a breath between sentences. If you limit the
talking, you can limit the breathing too. Be careful with gags and
remember that she still needs SOME method to communicate
with you if she's having a problem, be it a specific sequence of
grunts, hand signals, or some other sign.

Blindfolds are an incredibly powerful toy! They make
whatever ELSE you're doing more intense because she can't see it
coming. A blindfold, a bare hand, a couple of ice cubes and a
vibrator can provide several days worth of torment. When you've
got a blindfold on her... make noise... make noises she can't
identify.... then be quiet... then turn the vibrator on right before
you give her ass a good smack! Also - if you want a GOOD
blindfold that actually stays in place, is comfortable to wear and
really blocks her vision - look at the ones sold as sleep masks. The
cheap ones sold as fetish toys are objectively awful, and the
expensive ones are really just overpriced sleep masks!

Paddles and Whips This is another topic that I'm going to
glance at briefly then leave for others to give you the details on.
Your bare hand is all the spanking toy you'll ever really NEED... but
the other stuff can be fun too, both for the different physical
sensations it can create and for the psychological effect. Line up
four different spanking instruments and let her know you're not
done with her until you've used all of them... then when you get
to three, go back to number one... smile wickedly and repeat as
long as you want to before you finally use number four on her!
She Wants What? 69

Before you using any striking instrument on her, hit yourself
with it. Hit yourself with it several times in the same way and at
the same intensity that you plan to hit her. Then don't shrug and
hit her harder than you hit yourself because it didn't seem that
bad. If it's a whip or flogger you can't really hit yourself with the
same way you'll use it on her, find someone to swing it at you
first. You absolutely HAVE to understand how each tool feels to
use it safely and responsibly.

A leather belt makes a good first spanking tool, from the
cheap and available standpoint... but a full belt hurts a lot! Cut
one foot off the end of an old belt and start with that as a
spanking strap. Again - test it thoroughly on yourself first. As a
general rule- more mass makes more impact, but things that are
too flexible build up more speed and sting. The variety of
sensations you can get from different implements is practically
endless... if you like spanking... you'll probably end up with dozens
of toys eventually... but you don't need that right now!

Never strike her any place that isn't soft! Hitting bones and
joints can cause serious damage. Also be aware of unprotected
organs - flogging the back with a heavy flogger you have to stay
clear of the kidneys. If it doesn't land flatly on a surface that is
facing you, the ends of a whip or flogger can wrap around to sting
the opposite side of her body. These tips will be moving far faster
and consequently stinging far harder when they get there. If
you're doing this on purpose and thinking about where these
stings will land, more power to you. If you're out of control and
these stings are landing places you don't intend (especially around
the genitals and face) you're creating a very dangerous situation!
She Wants What? 70

With any sort of impact toy, you're less connected to the
situation than you are with a barehand spanking. You're going to
have to try harder to make sure you're paying attention to her
and either monitoring her non-verbal cues or asking her direct
questions to make sure she's alright and to gauge how close to
her pain threshold you're getting.

And then there are ‘Sex Toys.’ Any of the various things that
buzz or pulse or penetrate at a sex toy store can also be used in
power exchanged play. Look around and be creative! Think
about things that make her beg you to stop after an orgasm... and
think about how much fun it will be when she can't make you
stop! The 'magic wand' is a favorite for its absurdly overpowered
vibrations and it's large and sturdy handle that lends itself to
being incorporated in bondage... And there are the super
expensive things - the sybians and fucking machines... and also
the more bdsm directed bits - electrostim and violet wands and...
well.. Humanity has devoted a lot of engineering to doing things
to someone else's body really. But, I keep repeating it because
it's important, don't buy it all now! If you HAVE too many toys
available- you're going to end up feeling the need to switch
between them every 45 seconds before any one of them really
develops the reaction it was designed for. Two or three things
that you're really excited about are better than one of everything
for now.

Pervertables Also, look around for pervertable objects that
are sold for non-sexual purposes but that could lend themselves
to something amusing in play. Grin at her wickedly as you walk
She Wants What? 71

down the kitchen utensils aisle at Target. A three-piece bamboo
spoon, slotted spoon, and spatula combination that I bought for a
couple of dollars has brought me endless joy... not the least of
which was watching her blush for the rest of the shopping trip just
because she knew I had it in the basket. Smack your leg with the
flyswatters and see if you find one you like. Does anything around
buzz or vibrate? Does anything look phallic, and safe to insert?
Be creative!

Final Thoughts
I've only begun to touch on things you can do to her in this
chapter of the book... there are more sexual options out there
than you can explore in a few lifetimes. But hopefully I've peaked
your interest about a few things you can go do further research
on?

Chapter 4 Discussion

 Tell her what chapter 4 was about... and grin wickedly.

 Tell her specifically about some kinky things you're interested
in.

 Ask her to specifically list some kinky things she's interested
in. For either of these questions, you may want to refer to an
internet 'checklist' of fetishes for ideas if you're having trouble
coming up with many on your own!
She Wants What? 72

 Talk to her about bondage, talk to her about spanking or
whipping... find out how comfortable she feels being
restrained and how much pain she thinks is sexy/scary.
Discuss safety.

This is a shorter discussion prompt than the others, because I
actually think this is an easier topic to discuss and the additional
questions and conversation will just flow. If it doesn't... well...
hit her with a spoon or something to fill the extra time. Carefully.
On the safe parts of her body.
She Wants What? 73

Chapter Five: Relationship
Principles

The bedroom chapter may have covered it all. If nothing else,
paying attention there will keep her off your back for a few weeks,
at least! But there is more to this whole power exchange thing
than whips and chains, and this chapter is going to talk about that.
I want to start by really driving home the idea that every
relationship is different. She may eventually give up a lot of
power to you, allowing you to be in charge of major decisions in
her life, or she may give up power over a smaller, predefined set
of things. It could be an around-the-clock thing or it could be only
in certain times and places. There is no right or wrong way to do
it. Not all of the ideas I discuss in this chapter will be necessary to
every relationship, but I'm going to attempt to be as thorough as
an 'intro' book can be and let you decide what you want in your
relationship.
She Wants What? 74

Consent, again

As I talk about relationships here, I want to make something
very clear. In a loving healthy relationship power is exchanged by
consent - it is given by one partner and accepted by the other. If
power is taken, or if an attempt is made to force power on
someone who hasn't chosen to accept it, something is markedly
and dangerously wrong. You cannot presume anything here. It
must all be discussed and spelled out. What do you both want?
Until this conversation is over, you two are equals, you cannot
decide for her.

You have to spell out what powers are being exchanged. Are
there limits to when and where? Are there things you don't
consent to doing or having done to you? Spell it all out. And
respect what is spelled out. Neither party should be getting into
something they don't wholly want, so be honest with each other...

If one of you proposes something that is too severe, now is
the time to negotiate about that - say "I'm not comfortable with
that right now. Are you okay with trying this alternative for a
month and then re-evaluating?"

That last paragraph had something important in it - until you
know what you both want, don't treat anything as permanent.
You can set a 'renegotiate and renew' date, but I really think it's
better to just leave that communication open - so at any time
either of you can say 'hey, this isn't working for me. What
She Wants What? 75

about...' or 'I didn't think I'd like that, but I did. Can we try a little
more?' And keep an open mind. Is there any reason that you
have to say today that "I will never be okay with that idea?' Don't
lead someone on, if you really don't think that what they want will
ever be what you want... but unless you've got some pressing
reason to make a decision right now, don't make absolute
statements and don't handle negotiations with ultimatums. Come
up with something to get you through the next couple of weeks
and then try something a little different. When you do know what
you want in a more permanent way, talk about that. A good
dominant is always willing to re-evaluate and admit when a
change of directions is warranted, though you do eventually want
to arrive at a structure that can last with a minimum of
maintenance.

What about the old...

In an ideal world, you would both have researched a lot, had
a couple of 'almost what you want' power exchange relationships,
and then met each other at precisely the right time in your life to
move towards a serious and permanent power exchange
relationship. But if you're reading this book because that isn't
exactly what happened in your life, hope isn't lost. You can learn
and figure these things out together, either at the beginning of a
new relationship or years into an existing one.

It can, however,, be hard to switch gears. In the first chapter
of this book I pointed out that all relationships have some rules
and some division of power, even if they developed completely on
their own without any thought or discussion. Changing long-
She Wants What? 76

standing rules of the relationship can be difficult, but if both
people are committed, it's possible. The secret here is to begin by
identifying how the power structure presently works in your
relationship before you try to institute a new one. Who gets what
they want, on what issues, and by what means? Only after
honestly analyzing how this presently works can you head it off.

If you understand that she uses guilt to get her way on
summer vacation spots, then when you see that start to happen
this year, you can stop her and remind her that you'll make the
decision. If you passive-aggressively punish her for dragging you
out with her friends, you need to identify that and discuss how
you're going to handle it from now on. Will you do it gladly, but
expect a special 'thank-you' when you get home? Don't let her
bargain too much here, though. Understand that it's important to
her and get it done, but make sure she understands it's a gift and
that she should be appreciative. In the same way that you're
going to be very appreciative when you get that hour-long
blowjob afterwards! Invite her to express her thoughts and
wishes and engage in an adult discussion about it, but don't allow
the old structure to just function by default.

As you analyze the old relationship structure, do it objectively
and constructively, with no element of assigning blame. You both
let the existing structure development, so you're both at fault if
it's not the best possible structure. Playing the 'she always' or 'I
never' game will only make it harder to get to where you want the
relationship to be.

Trust
She Wants What? 77

This should go without saying, really, but most things that
should go without saying really can't. This whole thing only works
if you two really trust each other. You, as a dominant, will be in
charge of making some important decisions about your lives
together, and you will be responsible for ensuring her safety
during playtimes. Many of the S&M activities that frequently go
hand in hand with power exchange can be dangerous to the point
of fatal if you're an idiot, or a not idiot who just happens to be
acting like an idiot that day. She is putting a lot of trust in you. If
she doesn't trust you, then she wouldn't be asking you to read
this book. That said, she may not trust you COMPLETELY, because
that sort of thing takes time and it may have been damaged by
mistakes you've made in the past.

How do you deal with that? You talk about it. You ask her
how much she's willing to trust you right now, and you only
transfer that much power. And you tell her what you're going to
do to become more trustworthy - learning skills, organizing your
life, assigning things to her... whatever it will take to make sure
she is going to feel safe with you as her dominant. You make a
plan to help her trust you more. And then you do your damndest
to be trustworthy. Admit your mistakes freely, and don't be
afraid to apologize. Being dominant doesn't mean you're always
right - but it does mean that you should be responsible enough to
admit you were wrong and not make the same mistake twice.
(Actually, those are appropriate traits for all human beings... but...
the rest of them aren't reading this book.)
She Wants What? 78

Even though you're the one with the whips and chains, you
also need to be able to trust her. There's the basic relationship
requirement that you trust each other to have security and
happiness, but there's also a power exchange requirement - for
you to be a good dominant you have to trust her to tell you when
there is something you need to know to make a good decision.
You have to trust her to tell you when something hurts (and she
has to trust you not to inflict harm on her), you have to trust her
to tell you when she's happy and when she's insecure and when
she's restless... For me this is rule number 1 - that she MUST tell
me anything I need to know to take care of her.

If you don't have that trust in her at the moment, you need to
talk about how you're going to build trust with her. Let her know
what you need to see from her to establish trust. Let her know
when she's making progress, or when she sets you back and why.

Ritual

I touched on this concept a bit in the last chapter, but it's
bigger than a play topic. Ritual is incredibly powerful. Every
culture on earth has rituals for greetings, partings, eating,
celebrating and mourning and half a dozen other things. The
specific rituals each culture has developed are expressions of how
that culture views and deals with things.
She Wants What? 79

Rituals are a set of actions that a group of people choose to
attach special meaning to. Rituals help us experience, understand
and share something abstract or intangible in a concrete way.
Read that sentence again. It's important and the idea is denser
than the words.

When thought of this way, it becomes pretty obvious how
some degree of ritual can be useful to us in a power exchange
relationship - it's a way to physically experience something that is
hard to touch on it's own. The rituals aren't the power exchange,
but they're a way to express it and explore it. Think of that in
terms of sex between loving partners. The sex isn't the love...
that would exist without it, and there are other ways to express it
if you'd rather... but... hopefully you HAVE experienced sex with
a loving partner and can sort of understand how... it's a way to
experience and express that love that might otherwise be real but
intangible?

In addition to being a symbol, rituals are also a physical
distraction that allows spiritual action. We're largely physical and
active beings - we experience life as a series of things we do with
our bodies and say with our mouths. Ritual can be something that
we do over and over until it becomes automatic for our bodies
and our mouths... thus freeing up our hearts and heads to explore
things that they wouldn't have found if we'd been focussed on
what we were 'doing' at the moment. This is why religions have,
for so long, used techniques like chanting - singing repetitive
songs - reciting memorized prayers over and over - and going
through repetitive sets of actions. The ritual is a way of 'parking' a
body that doesn't know how to not be doing something... so a
mind and spirit can focus on things that go beyond the physical.
She Wants What? 80

Kneeling was the first ritual I mentioned. Kneeling has been
an expression of submission and humility for thousands of years.
It's also a great example of something for the body to do while
the heart is busy.

In her daily life, she's busy and full of worries, frequently
about things out of her control. When she gets home with you,
she could kneel a few minutes as a way to mark that 'this time,
together, is different.' It's a chance for her to clear her head a
little and remind herself that at home she can shut off the alpha-
woman that has to rule her day at work. She can focus on things
that are exactly within her control, because you've set up the
relationship structure to allow her to do that.

You can do the same at the beginning and end of any play
session - it's a time for her to refocus and relax - a time when she
can know she's doing exactly what you want her to do, and that
there's nothing else she needs to be worrying about right now.

Rituals can be created around any activity you'd like. They
can be as relaxed or as formal as you want them to be.

In the 'community' a somewhat fixed set of 'ritualized
behavior' exists which is referred to as "protocol." These
guidelines represent a sort of standard for public behavior that
you may run into if you attend more formal community
gatherings. I'll talk a little about that in the next chapter. But for
now let me be clear about two points - the purpose of your power
She Wants What? 81

exchange is to make the two of you happy, and your rituals need
only please you. Also, your submissive belongs only to you... she
doesn't owe a nod or a word to anyone else, just because they
happen to think of themself as a dominant, so at this point don't
worry much about community 'protocol.'

Focus on creating a few rituals for things the two of you do
together. How do you want her to greet you when you or she
enters the house after the work day? What do you want her to
do before coming to bed or right after waking up? What does she
do before or after sex or other play? That would be more than
enough for now.

When you get home from work, a moment to readjust is nice.
Have her greet you a certain way, present you with a drink, or
strip off all her clothes and lay down on the kitchen counter.
Whatever it takes for her to say "I'm glad I'm home where I can
express my submissive side and serve you."

When you wake up and go to bed are great times for rituals...
because it lets you both begin and end the day with a restatement
of your purpose together. It can be a recited phrase in the
morning, or a service ritual like getting you a snack... at bedtime
it's common to expect her to kneel and wait for permission to get
into bed. You could require permission to get up in the morning,
but personally, I'll be damned if I want her waking me up
unnecessarily if she has an 8AM meeting and I'm taking the
morning off!
She Wants What? 82

And the same with sex - if you're incorporating power
exchange in the bedroom, this may be the time when your roles
are most obvious and experienced most viscerally... mark that
beginning and end. Have her prepare by laying out the toys or
lighting the candles or shutting off all the other lights in the
house... have her finish up by cleaning and putting the toys away
or getting you a glass of water. Creating all of these little chances
for her to focus on her role in the relationship and to feel useful
and submissive to you are all things she'll appreciate greatly. The
act of walking to the kitchen, getting a certain size glass, putting
ice in it, filling it with water and putting it in the right spot on the
bedside table will become so automatic that you'll force her brain
to spend that time thinking about what just happened! That's the
power of ritual.

Rules

Rules are a pretty obvious one. You're going to get worn out
pretty quick if she has to call you every time she wants to get
dressed, eat a snack, go to the bathroom or park the car. So
you're going to want to sum up your directions in a set of rules
that will govern most situations so you can get a few moments of
rest and relaxation.

Rules are for your convenience, remember that. If you
wanted to micromanage her every decision, you could. But that's
going to get tedious and boring pretty damned fast, isn't it? Don't
make rules that require a lot of work on your part. Requiring that
she get in touch with you for permission to use the bathroom
every time she has to go might sound brilliant to you, but in order
She Wants What? 83

to be a responsible dominant, you then have to commit to never
going more than an hour without checking your phone, because
she could be in real trouble if your battery ever goes dead and she
has to give a business presentation an hour later... Instead make
a rule that foresees a situation where you might not answer and
gives her instructions on what to do when she doesn't hear back
from you in fifteen minutes.

Start with a few basic rules and add to it. They can be
whatever you want them to be. But I'll make a few suggestions to
get you started.

My first rule is that she absolutely must tell me anything I
need to know to take care of her. This includes emotional and
physical safety.

Other good rules include:
 She's not allowed to put herself down.
 Give her instructions on what you expect her to wear, and
when.
 Make her get permission to orgasm.
 Don't let her sit on the furniture without permission.
 She's not allowed to have sexual relations with others,
without your permission.
 She's not allowed to use a certain word or phrase (the
word 'no' can be amusing to take away! Not that this
takes away her ability to disagree... but... make her work
to articulate it!)
She Wants What? 84

 She's not allowed to tell others about the power
exchange nature of your relationship without your
permission.
 You could restrict her to a healthy diet, or limit her
drinking or smoking

Add to the list of rules occasionally. Don't make them overly
complicated and trap her into constant failure - teach her the
rules in a way she can succeed at. She wants to make you happy.

The rules will eventually come in a few flavors -

 Rules for how you communicate - things she has to tell
you, things she can't tell others, how she should express
her concerns or upsets...

 Rules for when you're out in public - where she walks,
what she wears, how she holds onto you, who goes
through doors first and who opens doors, etc.

 Rules for when you're in the house - what she's wearing,
where she sits, how she addresses you, whether she
needs permission to come and go, etc.

 Rules for service - does she have household chores? Does
she get things for you? Does she lay out or iron your
clothes? Does she sit down and write the utility checks?
She Wants What? 85

Does she remind you when it's time for you to do chores,
too?

 Your rituals will get written down in the rules too.

Wait, did you read that? Write the rules down. Just take the
time to do that and you'll both be much happier. As the list gets
longer it's practically a necessity, but even when it's short it's
easier for her to remember them and you to remember to
enforce them when they're on paper and you look at it
occasionally.

I also want to take a brief aside here - Above I mentioned the
possibility of not letting her talk about power exchange to others
without permission. Being a private person... and having things
remain private in your relationship... are TOTALLY fine things to
want. That said - it's imperative that you don't cut her off from
her support structure, or from other healthy sources of learning
about submission or getting opinions about how to handle the
things she's going through. If you restrict this - you have to
intelligently create exceptions. Encourage her to get on the
websites and learn... to make other submissive friends... and
make sure that she can still talk to her best friend about what she
needs to. Trust me - you will benefit in the long run from a
healthier, happier, and better informed partner!
She Wants What? 86

Rewards and Punishments
Rewards and Punishments

In that last section I mentioned passingly about the need to
enforce the rules... now it's time to talk about how to do that.

When we defined power earlier, we defined it as the ability to
influence someone else's decisions, and we said that it was
exercised via reward and consequence. Anyone who's ever
taught or trained anyone or anything will tell you that positive
reinforcement is preferable to negative. So, to begin with, praise
her liberally and genuinely when she makes you happy. When she
gets something right, let her know and let her know that you
appreciate it. When you set a goal for her, let her know what
she'll get for reaching it. This is by FAR the best way to motivate
someone.

But what do you do when she doesn't follow a rule?

You punish her. Now... this is not 'you've been a very
naughty girl!' play punishment. That's certainly a fine game to
play - spankings for fun are perfectly acceptable... we call that
'funishment.' But real punishment isn't fun. For either of you. A
breach of the rules is serious. She's broken your trust. The rules
aren't something she can play with breaking when she wants
attention. They're the actual foundational principles of your
relationship. Breaking them is a challenge to your power. So
She Wants What? 87

when they're broken, you need to deal with that to remain in
control.

Punishment is a healing activity.

That last sentence is important. Punishment isn't a way to
take out your anger on her, it's a way to constructively move past
a mistake. You shouldn't punish until you, yourself, are ready to
put the transgression behind you... because once the punishment
is complete the matter is closed and you're back to moving
forward with the relationship. The issue is absolutely no longer
acceptable to bring up in a fight, the way vanilla couples
frequently do - hitting each other over the head with mistakes
made months and years ago in order to assign blame and win the
fight. Punishment isn't a fight. It's a way to put the past behind
you and to refocus on the future.

Firstly, you can only punish for a rule that you'd actually
taught her. If you hadn't told her not to do something, you
cannot punish for it at all. It's unreasonable to expect her to read
your mind. I know. I hate typing it too. But before you punish
her, you need to stop and make sure it’s not YOUR fault instead.

Secondly, before any punishment you need to explain what
rule was broken, and give her a chance to respond, in case you've
misunderstood the situation and a rule wasn't actually broken at
all, or there was some circumstance that made what she chose a
better decision than following the rule would have been.
Flexibility and understanding are not weakness. Though you can
She Wants What? 88

both admit she was being smart and still warm her ass up for it, if
it feels appropriate!

Thirdly, you execute the punishment. This could be a
corporal punishment - spanking or flogging... but if you use a
punishment that resembles the way you play then you need to
make sure it's not fun in this context at all. The usual warmup
period for a spanking that lets the bodies endorphins catch up
with the pain isn't there... this is brief and painful. You shouldn't
be having fun either - you're hurting someone you care about
(though not harming them.)

Frequently an alternative to corporal punishment is more
appropriate. Some people like writing assignments, or a
temporary revocation of some of her privileges. Sometimes a
long lecture from me and going to bed without our usual cuddle
and television time is more than harsh enough.

Be creative - effective punishments are reasonable, meaning
that the level of punishment is equal to the level of rule breakage
you've experienced (there's obviously a difference between
forgetting to iron your shirt and intentionally doing something
really hurtful to you). If the punishment is unreasonable, it's
actually less effective - because it's hard for her to accept the
legitimacy of the punishment, so it's hard to learn from it. Think
back to a time when you felt you were given an unfair
punishment... your reaction is to focus on the injustice to you,
not on what you did to deserve a punishment in the first place,
right? She has the same mental process.
She Wants What? 89

Good punishments are also, whenever practical, related to
the offense. If she forgets to run an errand, taking away her
dinner will definitely show her your displeasure, but it doesn't
build an association in her head with the offense. Make her put
on a stupid hat every time she drives for a month, and from then
on out when she gets behind the wheel she'll probably think
about the stupid hat... and then check her list to see if she's
supposed to run any errands.

The fourth step after a punishment is aftercare. I always hold
her when a punishment is complete and remind her that I love her
and that I'm glad she's my submissive. I give her a chance to talk
afterwards, but I don't hear any more apologies as the offense is
now officially behind us. This fourth step is very important -
punishment isn't revenge, it's a correction and this is the time you
take to stabilize your relationship on the corrected course.

Monogamy

A beautiful wood to build a table out of, but otherwise... oh,
MONOGAMY.

Take it or leave it. In this author's opinion, and this opinion
isn't relevant to the subject of this book in any way, monogamy is
a social invention and not an evolved behavior in humans. 18% of
primate species are monogamous, and that doesn't include any of
the big ones that are most closely related to us. It's a societal
response to the need for emotional and financial security and the
need to work out inheritance of property.
She Wants What? 90

Monogamy is one of the default rules that people agree to
without really analyzing when they enter into a relationship. In a
relationship with power exchange, it's a perfectly fine rule to
adopt, but that's it - it's a rule you can choose to adopt or not
adopt however you see fit.

That said, jealousy and insecurity are the enemies of any
relationship and power exchange doesn't make that any different.
She can't be happy if she's afraid she's going to lose you to the
next young thing that walks by in a leather corset. She needs to
know exactly what your rule is on monogamy for her, and she
really deserves to know what your intentions are as far as
monogamy on your part as well.

If you'd like to remain free to play around outside the
relationship, then it's your obligation to develop a structure that
meets the same needs for her that monogamy would have met -
meaning you need to find a way to make sure she knows she's
secure, she knows what to expect as far as who you might play
with, how often you might play with a given partner (there's a big
difference between once at a play party and every week in your
shared home...) and what health and birth control precautions
you're going to be using.

Choosing to have a relationship without monogamy does NOT
free you from your obligation to take care of your submissive and
to never make a decision that would harm her. If you know that
she's threatened by the little painslut that's been sniffing around
your online profile, and without any explanation you then screw
She Wants What? 91

around with said painslut, you've made a decision that hurts your
partner. If you want the freedom to make those choices, you
have to exercise the responsibility that goes with it.

As for monogamy on her part... that's up to you too. If she
gives you control of her sexuality, it's yours. You can keep it
locked up, or order her to sleep with an entire football team. The
choice is yours. I can't think of an act that more completely
demonstrates submission to you than her sleeping with someone
because you told her to – passing her to a friend or making her
seduce a stranger - it's a complete admission that her body is
yours to do with completely as you please. However, if you
accept that power you also accept its responsibility - you have to
make certain you never put her in a situation that will harm her
emotionally or physically, either via abuse or disease!

Chapter 5 Discussion

This may be the longest discussion of the week. Get
comfortable for it. There may well be a moment of “Oh, I wanted
you to be IN CHARGE… but I didn’t realize that meant
PUNISHMENT!?”

 Talk about ritual, and why it's important. Get her to talk about
rituals that mean something to her already, if she has any.
She Wants What? 92

 Talk about rules. Give her examples of some of the rules you
are considering making for her. Now is the time she can say
"that one scares me!" or "that would be hard, because of..."

 Talk about punishment. This can be a resentful topic for a
grown woman to stomach... so explain what you mean by it
and put it in context of the types of rules you just talked
about. What might you do if she broke one of them?

 Talk about monogamy. What do you expect? What does she
expect? Why does she expect that? Reasons like "because I
don't share" or "because you're mine" aren't adequate. Find
the insecurity that underlies those reasons, whether they're
yours or hers. There may be another way to address "I'm
afraid of losing you" or "I don't feel that confident in my
sexual skills and I'd be afraid someone else was better." Get
to the real reason behind the way you both feel. And admit
your own insecurities. You may both feel that monogamy is
the best policy and that's great! But arrive at that conclusion
after actual thought and discussion... not as a default because
society says you should. And, for God's sake... talk about it if
you change your mind instead of just sneaking around. You're
now in the type of relationship where you can talk about this!
Admit that "I don't feel all that sexy lately. I'd really like to see
if I can turn somebody on." Your partner can help with this!
Maybe they have a friend they know is attracted to you, but
that they trust enough to keep it a one-time thing!? Solve
problems together. Really and always.
She Wants What? 93

Chapter Six: The
"Community"

I really hate the term “the community." Almost as much as I
hate "the lifestyle." What we're talking about in this book isn't
really all that weird. Do you know how many copies that stupid
shades of grey book sold? Do you think they bought it because
they were interested in the sociological implications of a book
about weird people? Or do you think they bought it because they
were interested in power exchange on some level?
She Wants What? 94

This isn't a cult with a few weirdos practicing secret arts in a
warehouse dungeon, but only in New York or Los Angeles. This is
everywhere and it's a lot of people. In fact, once you spend more
time exploring, you're going to spend a lot of time looking around
at your friends and acquaintances and wondering who's into what
based on little clues you see!

So the idea that you have to join an isolated 'community' is a
little insulting and misleading. And the idea that you have to live
a certain 'lifestyle' to enjoy any of this is even sillier. Is 'eats
dinner' a lifestyle? Is 'enjoys action movies' a lifestyle? Is 'dating
somebody I like' a lifestyle that we have to define? If not, then I'd
wager that 'enjoys kinky sex or power exchange' isn't so much a
lifestyle as just one more thing you do in your particular life. As
we discussed earlier - all relationships HAVE power structure and
a system for making decisions and setting expectations and
recovering when they're violated. The only difference is... after
reading this book you might be qualified to have an adult
conversation about them instead of letting fate take its course! If
you're making your whole life and style about one particular
interest and activity... you're probably being too intense about it.
Chill out. Seriously.

That said, there are clubs and groups in most decent sized
towns and cities... and like it or not they get lumped into 'the
community' or 'the lifestyle' labels.

By and large these clubs and groups are fantastic. It's
amazing to go to a big party on Halloween weekend and see a
couple hundred other people who are sort of into the same things
She Wants What? 95

you're into. You'll learn a lot, make new friends you can talk
about things that you can't talk to your 'normal' friends about,
and just have fun.

It's not 'Eyes Wide Shut' where everybody is rich, beautiful, or
both... the groups are full of normal people who look normal and,
for the most part, act normal. Most groups pride themselves on
how the welcome and treat new people... so don't be scared to
get in touch and just get over your fears and go to an event. If
anything, the groups skew towards the nerdy and shy… so if you
get a luke-warm reception, there’s a MUCH greater chance that
it’s because they were nervous about saying hi to you than
because they weren’t interested in getting to know you!

Most groups have some combination of three basic types of
events.

First there are 'Meet and Greets' or 'Munches,' as they're
sometimes called. These are low-pressure gatherings in public
places - bars and restaurants, usually. Everyone stays dressed in
normal clothes, has a couple of drinks or something to eat, and
talks with each other. Some people find this is a great first event
to go to... because you know that nothing that scary ever happens
at Applebees.

I personally find these events to be a little MORE nerve
wracking than the other kinds of events because there's more
pressure on you to actually talk to people here... sitting in a quiet
corner and watching is an option at a play party... at a munch
She Wants What? 96

there's someone sitting next to you and someone sitting across
from you and it's pretty awkward not to talk to them for most of
the meal! That said, you've got to start talking to people at some
point. And many groups require that you attend one of the
munches before you're allowed to come to a more private event...
because they have the same fears about you that you have about
them - what if this person is a complete nutjob who can't respect
boundaries and makes people uncomfortable or unsafe? The
group wouldn't last long if they were the nutjobs... the chances
are much greater that YOU'RE the really weird one.

At your first munch, just relax and be yourself. Don't try to
sound more experienced than you are - everyone will be really
helpful and friendly to the new folks! Be polite and try to be
normal. Some people will chat about jobs and families at these
events, others want to keep those things very private. Be
respectful of both approaches... if someone asks a question you'd
rather not answer, just politely explain that you're really new here
and until you get more familiar with the group, you sort of want
to keep personal things personal. If the group has been around a
long time, most people at the munch already know each other
and you may not follow every conversation, but just smile and
listen and enjoy the food or drinks. Some people will use their
real name... others will use a 'scene name' to protect their real
identity a bit. You can do either, but don't be weirded out. Yes,
calling someone "GrandSpankMeister" will feel a little silly... but
that's the 'community' for you. Don't get drunk and make an ass
of yourself. That's a good general life lesson, too, but it's
especially important in this kind of setting! Munches are almost
always free to attend, other than it's customary that if you can at
She Wants What? 97

all afford to, you should buy something from the bar or restaurant
hosting the event to thank them for letting you be there.

The second kind of event are the 'play parties.' These are
pretty much what they sound like. People get together, get
naked, and get freaky. These parties almost always start with an
orientation for new people. Some groups will sit down with you
whenever you get there, but most do their orientation at a certain
time. Be there five minutes before that time. The orientation will
be basic. The covered material is almost always:

 No means no. Don't touch anyone else without permission. Or
their stuff.
 Listen to whoever is in charge. Frequently someone is the
appointed "Dungeon Master" or "DM" who will give the final ruling
on whether an activity is safe or acceptable at this event. Don't
argue with them. Do what you want in your own home, and respect
someone else's home or playspace.
 Don't be intoxicated. Also, don't be sober but still stupid.
 Clean up after yourself. There will be wipes and sprays available.
Before you use a piece of equipment, clean it... and then again after
you use it... clean it really well.
 Don't interrupt a scene in progress. Be quiet and stand well back
out of the way if you're watching. Go to another room if you're just
talking and laughing with friends. Ask questions after they're
finished. And if you don't think something is safe or consensual, go
get the DM and tell them about it. Don't step in yourself. Some
people play really rough. The DM should, for the most part, know
who's okay with what and be able to make educated decisions
about when it’s time to say something.
 Understand and use the group's safeword!
 Some groups allow penetrative sex... others don't. Follow the rules.
She Wants What? 98

 Obey basic protocol.

Some places keep this VERY relaxed - it will all feel like friends
hanging out and chatting until somebody gets tied to the bench
with their ass in the air. OTHER places are much more formal. Be
observant. It's not uncommon when you meet a couple to
introduce yourself to the dominant first (if you can tell who it is!
NEVER assume!) and then let them introduce you to their
submissive. This isn’t about value as a person or a lack of respect
for people who like to be submissive… it’s just a bit of protocol
that’s grown up over the years in large groups and don’t let it feel
off-putting to you. I’ve had a partner misinterpret this for some
sort of judgment on the part of others and I really think that,
while kink groups have as many assholes as any other group of
humans, that wasn’t what was going in in that situation.

You also don't have any obligation to call someone else by
a silly title, but when you introduce yourself, you ought to ask
what they want to be called. Sometimes a submissive will come
to you as the dominant partner and ask for permission to talk to
your submissive. This may feel weird at first, but don't be freaked
out - they're just trying to be respectful in a generic way until they
get to know how you guys play specifically. They may not be all
that formal in things either, but there are people who ARE... so
it's just good practice to start things off formal and respectful and
let people tell you to relax as you get to know them. If somebody
explains how they'd like to be addressed or interacted with (or
not interacted with), apologize politely and abide by their wishes.
If someone gets mad at you for not following their specific
protocol without first explaining it politely to you... you either did
something really wrong... or they're an insecure jackass and
She Wants What? 99

you're better off not talking to them anyway! Still, be polite and
excuse yourself.

At most play parties, there are a few distinct areas. There's
almost always a 'dungeon' which is pretty much what you think it
is - an area with some bondage furniture, some seating around
the edges for spectators, and not a whole lot else. People have
'scenes' here. This is the PLAY part of the play party. There may
be divisions to the dungeon as well. It's not uncommon for there
to be a 'main dungeon' that is open and has a dozen different play
stations, and then some semi-private spaces attached to it. It's
also not uncommon for these spaces to have different rules - i.e.
'no sex in the main dungeon, but okay in the side rooms. Also -
anything that might make blood has to be done here or here...
because we're set up to sanitize those stations... and... wait... did
he say blood? Everyone is into their own thing. Don’t judge.

There's also almost always (in fact, I've never found there not
to be) a 'social area' of some sort... a room that doesn't have a
direct view of the dungeon... where people can sit around, get a
drink (soft or alcoholic, as the rules dictate) or a snack, etc. You're
not in any way required to get naked or play at a party... it's
perfectly fine to hang out in the social room and each potato
chips and drink cokes the whole time. You may well be surprised
by the normalcy of the social room - it's frequently a group of
people, half clothed in street clothes and the other half naked or
in fetish wear, sitting around talking about sports, video games, or
work!
She Wants What? 100

Some groups will also have separate areas for other activities.
There may be an area for 'swingers' who are there more for the
sex and less for the bdsm activities. There may also be 'private
rooms' which could be completely private rooms where nobody
outside can see... or they may be mostly private rooms where the
view from outside is partially obstructed, but still, for safety's
sake, partially open. The private rooms may sound like a great
idea to new folks who are a little hesitant to have fifty people
staring at them naked while trying to figure out which end of the
whip they just bought goes towards the submissive... but I'd
advise against them at first. They're NOT an appropriate place to
have a first session with a new play partner, and with an
established play partner, you're not capitalizing on any of the
reasons to go to the party in the first place! If you play in public,
you may have someone experienced come up to you afterwards
to offer a suggestion... or you may have people watch and that
makes them interested enough in you to start a friendly
conversation afterwards. You don't look as awkward as you think
you do. Don't push your limits and try to do everything you can
think of in your first public scene, any more than you should try
everything you've ever seen in a porno in your first bedroom sex
session. Keep it shortish, simplish, and do the things you enjoy
and are comfortable with. It's intimidating at first... but it's a big
rush afterwards!

Play parties typically have a cover charge of some sort. This
fee helps pay the rent or mortgage on the space, frequently
covers basic soft drinks or snacks, covers the group's website or
other costs, and sort of discourages a few of the creepies and
crazies a little bit. It also, for legal reasons, is typically called
'membership dues' or a 'donation(as opposed to 'pay here to have
She Wants What? 101

sex' which is prostitution or 'pay here to get food or drinks' which
requires health department licenses).' Pay what they're asking
you to pay. Having an active local community is worth it, even
though the fees do sometimes feel a little steep for a party. I've
paid up to $75.00 for a couple... and that's far from the most
expensive I've heard of, but I'm cheap and wouldn't pay much
more than that. And for that I'm going to have to be pretty
certain of the quality of the people and place I'm going to see.
$20.00 per person is a more typical 'donation' for most small local
gatherings.

The third type of gathering is that local groups may put on is a
'class' or 'education session.' These are fantastic, and I HIGHLY
recommend these for beginners... both because of the obvious
part -you'll learn shit- and the less obvious -you can direct your
attention towards the presenter, so you won't feel any pressure
to talk to a lot of strangers or get naked and have sex in front of
them! You need to go beyond the classes eventually, but it's a
great way to get started. You can talk to people during breaks,
but most of the attention is on someone else.

Why did I go to this stupid party, anyway?

As uncomfortable as being the new kid always is... you need
to make friends and try to fit in a little. You may love going to
events and wind up going twice a month.... you may decide after
a while that it's not really your thing and just make it out a couple
She Wants What? 102

of times a year. But in the beginning, you need people to talk to.
And, yes there's the internet, but the internet is full of morons
(was that news to you?) who talk more than they do... and it's sort
of hard to get a feel for whether someone is an actual expert... or
just likes to sound like one on the internet forums.

So you have to meet people. And make friends. But... you're
going to get offers... sometimes, if you're attractive people,
disturbingly quickly... or if they think they might score with the
female half of your couple... to get a 'mentor.' Now... finding
someone experienced who will actually invest in teaching you
things for your sake because you remind them of them when they
started out and they want to help you is fantastic. And you may
find that some day. But if you feel 'pounced on' or 'pressured'
politely explain that you're not looking for that right now and walk
away. Ask if you can come to them with specific questions about
a particular technique you've seen them practice at a party,
perhaps. But don't get drawn into someone's personality cult.

Like any group of people... there will be bad ones. Now, truly
evil people looking to rape, murder, and abuse are no more
common in the BDSM community than any other, but you still
have to be at least as cautious as you are in other areas of your
life. And the usual dramas and bickering that plague any group of
more than two will exist, in some ways at some times. Try your
best to stay out of those. Groups grow, shrink, split, and change
over time. When a group is being what you want in your life, be a
part of it. When it's not, either leave, help change it, or start your
own group that will be what you want.
She Wants What? 103

What about this “INFORMATION SUPER-
HIGHWAY” that Al Gore is always talking about?
Shit. I wrote that headline a few years ago when that was a
joke. Not like, a good one. But still. I've been sitting on this book
half-finished a long time. I'll leave it... because it's almost better
to let an internet joke be well dated than to try to keep up with
whatever fashion the grumpy cat doge gods have decreed to be
'in' at the moment. What? The Doge meme isn't funny either? I
hate you. And I hate the internet.

Ahhhh. The internet. In our day and age, anything you want
to know more about has a couple of hundred pages here. And
10% of that information is probably not even wrong. The problem
with the internet is that it's sort of hard to gain context for a
webpage. A page can look really professional and seem really
helpful, but it can be written by someone who's a complete
lunatic who's never tried to live any of their ideas. Power
exchange is a topic where there's always going to be a lot of
fantasy involved... and unfortunately you'll find some writers who
write their fantasies... but make it sound like solid real world
advice. Filter everything you read through your 'does this make
sense?' system... and run things by the real world friends you're
working very hard to make after reading the first part of this
chapter.

There's also a social part of the internet. There are a couple
of different BDSM dating websites. In my experience, these are
She Wants What? 104

complete crap. They're plagued by the USUAL problems that
come with an online dating site – They encourage you to use the
skillset you’ve developed for shopping, but applied to human
beings you might date - that people aren't always who they
appear to be - and that female users are typically BURIED by
messages from male users that didn't even read their profiles so
they'll likely miss any legitimately interesting messages in their
inbox. They're also trolled by a number of people that aren't such
a big problem on regular dating sites - those that are in it for the
fantasy and really only looking for 'internet relationships' where
they never meet in real life, and by the small but always right
around the corner group of sociopaths that have recognized that
women who identify as submissive are interested in pleasing a
mate and are expecting to, at some point, be told what to do, so
they may be easier to manipulate into things than other women in
the population. I highly recommend staying away from these
dedicated sites.

Of all the crazy things to recommend, if this book DOESN'T fix
your current relationship and you find yourself looking for a new
partner for power exchange...I actually think craigslist isn't awful.
Lots of people read through the legitimate dating (not the NSA
SEX!) personals on craigslist... so if you put up an add with a
catchy title and you write several paragraphs that don't indicate
that you're a psychopath, teenager, or totally dysfunctional, you
may be surprised by the number of responses you get from actual
humans. There are still the spambots and the liars and the
crazies... be careful, meet several times in public, hide valuables
and sharp objects when you have them over the first time, etc...
but it's not a total loss and you'll have more luck being honest
about looking for someone for power exchange there than you
She Wants What? 105

will on the vanilla dating sites like okcupid, in my experience.
You'll wade through a bucket of crazy to find a cup full of
awesome... but... the awesome is there!

As for the internet for NOT dating... there's one website I
think every person with any interest in power exchange should be
a member of... and this isn't a paid endorsement or anything.
Fetlife.com is THE social network for kink. It's not a dating site... it
actually makes it pretty hard to look for attractive people of a
certain sex and a certain age within a certain distance to keep
people from 'shopping for sex, though you do occasionally get
random messages saying "wanna screw?" or
"hello."(Internetspeak for 'wanna screw?') But the depth of
information in the forum discussion is really good and the local
community forums are the best way to know about what the
groups in your area are doing and when. If you're active in
conversations in the forums, you'll quickly get friend requests
from people with similar interests and find yourself with a
growing network of local and long distance friends to share ideas
with. Fetlife isn't without its share of fantasy havers who've never
actually held a whip in real life but will tell you up and down how
to do it to YOUR wife... so, in case I haven't been clear enough
already, you STILL need to get out and meet local people face to
face, but the depth and breadth of discussion on Fetlife is still
hard to beat. Join. And participate.
She Wants What? 106

Chapter 6 Discussion
Chapter 6 Discussion

Well, this might be one of the shorter discussion topics.

Ask her where she's gone for information. Talk to her about
what she's found that she liked, and what she didn't like.

Talk to her about fetlife.com. I'd assign her to make a profile,
and make one yourself. Maybe do it together.

Talk to her about what local groups exist. Research it
together, if neither of you already know. (Fetlife is the easiest
place to do this research!)
Ask if she'd be excited or scared about going to a local event.
Talk about munches and play parties and classes. If you're
seriously thinking about going (which you should be, at least for a
while!) tell her that you think it's important and that you'll be
picking some events to go to. She may need some warning to
wrap her head around it and do a little research about what these
events are really like!
She Wants What? 107

Chapter Seven: What Next?

Well, I'm not going to brag about the organization of the rest
of this book, but I'm going to warn you up front that this chapter
will be the least organized. I'm just going to hit a few final
thoughts, talk about where to go from here, and give you a list of
websites and books to look at.

Final Thoughts and What Next

Stop for a second and be honest with yourself about how you
feel now, versus how you felt before you started reading this
She Wants What? 108

book. Did you learn or grow? Are there things you're less worried
about? Are there things you're more worried about?

All of that is normal. If you didn't change a single opinion or
gather a little knowledge during reading this book, you should
probably write me a nasty email right now. If you did, write those
lessons down somewhere so you can reflect on them later.

You should also write down as much as you can remember
about what your partner said during the discussions this week.

Now, really ponder my formula for relationship structure.
Goals, path to goals, expectations of each other, and how to deal
with upsets along the path, or failed expectations. You need to
use this outline to make a 'business plan' that you both agree to.

Any good business plan sets deadlines and measurables along
the way... and this one needs to be the same way. You should set
out some expectations and make some commitments... and set a
time frame that you're going to evaluate your success or failure in.

I think a month is a good start. Put a set of rules in place...
and see where it gets you in a month. Some of the rules you set
out just won't work, and you may have to adjust them earlier than
a month away. Making her ask permission to use the bathroom is
fine and good... until your phone dies or stays on silent and she's
left with the choice of 'break rules' or 'wet her pants at work.' It
doesn't undermine you to change the rules if she comes to you
with a valid reason it's hard for her to follow them... as long as
She Wants What? 109

you're the one making the decision. (And, on this example, the
answer to a lot of 'you need my permission before you do this'
rules is setting out a default answer if she can't reach you.
Obviously... if she can't get an answer in 15 minutes, she needs
permission to go to the bathroom. But if she can't get an answer
on whether or not she can masturbate... she can just wait and
keep her legs crossed on that one!)

At the end of that month, sit down together and talk about
what worked and what didn't. Make an updated plan for the next
month. After two one-month trials... you should have a pretty
good idea of what you want to do going forward. But, until you've
really developed in your roles, it's still good to set reminders for
yourself to do a quick check-up in the head every month or three.
This will help you fight the tendency to slip back into old habits
out of comfort and convenience.

I'm going to lay out a sample frame-work here... you can use
it verbatim or make changes or tear this page out of the book and
wipe up cat pee with it... it's not magic and it's not rocket science,
but here's something you can try if you don't feel very creative.

Sample One-Month Plan
Sample One-Month Plan

Goals
1. Improve communication
2. Have more kinky sex
She Wants What? 110

3. Experience power exchange to see if it's something we
want to incorporate into our relationship
Path to Goals
1. Focus on Expectations and Commitments.
2. Set aside two hours on each of two nights every week for
heightened power exchange time. I will plan, or assign
you to plan activities for these times.
3. Reevaluate in one month.
Expectations
1. Every day when I get home, you'll kneel and wait for me to
say hello. You'll give me a report about how your day
went, and ask how mine went.
2. Every night before you get into bed, you'll kneel and wait
for permission.
3. You won't enter a door ahead of me, unless I'm holding
the door open for you.
4. You will masturbate twice a week... and each time you'll
immediately send me a text message afterwards telling me
that you did, what toys, if any, you used, and what you
watched or fantasized about while you were doing it.
5. Every day, when you're getting ready, you will text me a
picture of you in the underwear you've picked out for the
day.
6. In the home, and when we're alone, you'll address me as
"Sir."

Commitments
1. I will use you sexually at least twice a week.
2. I'll read and think more on power exchange.
She Wants What? 111

3. I will learn three bondage techniques and try them out on
you this month.
4. I will ask you at least twice a week if you're enjoying being
my submissive - and if there are times when you feel
particularly out of control... or particularly back in control.

Adjustments
1. If you break one of your rules... I will discipline you for it.
The severity may range from a stern look and verbal
reminder, if you innocently forgot for a few minutes... to
ten hard swats with my bare hand if you break a rule
intentionally.

2. If you believe that I'm falling behind on one of my
commitments, you may politely ask if there's anything
you can do to help with it. Nagging will not be tolerated,
but polite reminders are part of your job.

3. If at anytime, either of us feels the need - we can cancel
this agreement and renegotiate, or go back to the way
things were before.

It can be that simple. Don't include three dozen rules she has
to try to remember at once (and you have to remember to
enforce)- make success achievable.

At the end of a month, evaluate. This… ISN’T a plan that will
turn you into the most deep and stable of dominant/submissive
She Wants What? 112

couples ever to walk the planet. But it’s a safe and measured
way to test things out and see if you like it. It’s enough of a taste
to be able to point at things that work well and things that were
hard. It, if you have the awareness of self and of her to really pull
this off at all, will give you enough information to figure out what
comes next on your own. Or at least, to figure out what to try.
Trial and error is very domly. You can even spank her for your
errors. As long as you admit that’s what you’re doing.

Or hell, maybe I’ll try to sell you another book full of next step
ideas. Let me know if you think you need that. And how many
millions you’d pay for it.

Terminology

A little discussion about how words are meaningless.

I'm not going to make a glossary in this book. That's all done
for you on the internet. Feel free to look up terms and techniques
to your heart's content. Preferably on urban dictionary or
someplace else that will give you laughs with your definitions.

I'm just going to talk a little, finally, about the different ways
people describe power exchange. First, let me say that nobody
else gets an opinion on your relationship. It's your business. Call
each other whatever makes you happy.
She Wants What? 113

But there are some terms you'll hear, and some common
connotations. Frequently you'll see power exchange called
"dominance and submission" or abbreviated as "d/s." Many
people, particularly on the internet, feel it's important to use a
capital "D" and a lower case "s" as in "D/s" to indicate, if you
didn't understand what the words meant, I suppose, that the "D"
is in charge of the "s." Sure. Follow the conventions of those
you're conversing with. That's a key to successful conversations.
But don't correct me. I capitalize letters at the beginning of a
sentence and when they're a proper noun and when I want my
reader to think I'm shouting mad behind the keyboard and none
of those cases apply to me most times I'm writing those terms. It
gets ridiculous on some forums... with people referring to a
person of unknown orientation as "H/he or H(h)e." Precision of
language is key. A guy is 'he' whether he's in charge or not. Also,
as long as you're not MY dominant, I'm not obligated to use any
special method for addressing you. You're just Bob. And you're
still Bob if you're submissive. Because it's a proper noun. But
knock yourselves out, B(b)ob.

Others will call it "M/s" or "Master and slave." People on the
internet will tell you all sorts of differences between D/s and M/s
and I'll tell you that those people bore me. Do the words have
different connotations? Absolutely. Pick the one you like. For
me... assigning yourself the title of "Master" and expecting
anyone other than your submissive to call you that is pretty
presumptuous, because I worked very hard for my Master's
degree from an accredited major university in my field of study,
and if you didn't, well, you'd better be prepared to prove to me
that you've really mastered the subject before I'm going to call
She Wants What? 114

you "Master LargeMember" in conversation. But if you want your
little 'slavegirl' to say "Yes, Master," that's all fine and fun!

But do understand that there is absolutely no legal way to
keep an actual 'slave' in the modern world. Lots of people draw
up written contracts for their relationships, and that's a fine and
actually sometimes very useful way to put the basic rules,
safewords, and exchange of consent down in writing for reference
later, but these contracts would get you laughed out of even the
craziest courtroom in America. You can't legally own someone,
you can't keep someone in a relationship against their will, you
can't seize their property or hold their income without giving
them proper and legally equitable consideration for what they
gave you in return... they're not legally your slave, and if you
forget that you'll probably end up in prison for wrongful
imprisonment or kidnapping. But by all means... use the term if it
gets you off! It's a lovely and descriptive word with strong
emotional connections! But if you show up one more time in an
internet forum whining about how you're a slave and you want
out of your contract but master won't let you and the contract
says that if you leave he keeps all of your money and your car and
your cats, I'm going to call him and suggest that he use you as a
trade-in on a new SUV or refrigerator or something useful that at
least shouldn't make disturbing noises for the first ten years.

And after two paragraphs of snark, fine, I'll actually deal with
the terms respectfully. The terms DO imply a deep level of
permanent commitment, and that can be a beautiful thing. For
me... the transfer of 'ownership' even if it's only in your hearts is
sort of cool. Though, to me it ALSO implies a 'one time transfer of
consent.' When you lock the collar on your slave - the consent
She Wants What? 115

has been given and from then on out she's either doing her duty
or she's not. With someone who identifies as 'submissive' instead
of 'slave' I feel like the consent transfer is ongoing - every time I
tell her to do something she examines and then chooses again to
submit... and there's something beautiful in thinking of it that way
too. In the end.... It doesn't matter to anyone but you guys what
you call it.

Other words that get used are "top and bottom," and "sadist
and masochist." These words I think DO have a bit of different
meaning to most folks that I think is worth mentioning. These
words are frequently applied by people who don't view what they
do as exchanging power, but simply as playing different roles in a
scene. The bottom is typically the receptive partner... they may
enjoy being tied up or spanked... but they're not really giving up
control - they're choosing to get exactly what they want out of the
scene as an equal. Submission means letting someone ELSE
choose what you get out of the scene.

In the end, I'm not wasting much time on words. Use any
words you like! And don't worry about what others call each
other. It's your relationship. Have it and stop thinking about
what to name it.

Collars

Collars are a popular and powerful symbolic item in power
exchanged play. Lots of people mean different things when they
She Wants What? 116

put a collar in place. A collar can be a 'play collar' just there to
give a handy way to drag them around... or it can be a 'scene
collar' that helps you demarcate the beginning and ending of
power exchange play time - when she has the collar on, the rules
are in force and when she doesn't, they're not.' Collars can mark
permanent ownership... or... especially if you let internet nutjobs
dictate things to you - they can mark other things too...

The internet armchair doms love their 'collars of
consideration' which are a way of saying "I'm not committed to
you yet, but I still want to keep you under my thumb so you don't
meet anyone else!" And their "Collars of protection" because...
apparently... the world is full of barbarians trying to capture and
enslave young girls who are new to kink, but if your Fetlife profile
has the name of this dude that lives a thousand miles away in it,
he will ride there on the back of his horse and fight them for you?

I'm being a LITTLE snarky here too... there CAN be value in
having someone looking out for you. There absolutely are a lot of
people who 'swoop on fresh meat', both online and in real life
kink groups... but... the irony is that THESE are the types who will
typically be TRYING to get you into their collar of consideration or
collar of protection the first or second time they talk to you. The
people who you might actually WANT to be friends or more with
are the ones who said ‘hi’, had a friendly chat, but didn't offer any
more than you expressed curiosity about from them!

So... that brief primer done - you can find thousands of pages
worth of debate about various collar types and protocols and
ceremonies on the internet... from the 'velcro collars' that go on
She Wants What? 117

and off daily in some circles to the 'collaring is stronger than
marriage' types you'll find elsewhere. If you think a collar's sexy...
get one and use it during times of ritual at first. If that ends up
really meaning something to you, go from there... graduating to
something fancy she can wear when it's just the two of you... and
perhaps a necklace she can wear out in public as her 'every day'
collar that only the two of you will understand the significance of.

Or don't. It's the end of the book. By now you should be the
snarky one. Do whatever you want.

Checklist - What else are you interested in?

Moving forward, you're going to want to know a lot more
than what I put in this little book... It’s a starting point for
discussion, or for googling of terms. This isn't meant to replace
negotiation of communication... but just as a place to mark down
everything that you might want to reflect on later when bored!
It’s a good list to go through with your submissive… though if you
catch her flipping through other parts of the book that’s not for
her, you may of course spank her with it!

 Rope Bondage  Leather Bondage cuffs and
 Intricate Bondage (Shibari - straps
etc.)  Metal Hand Cuffs
She Wants What? 118

 sex in bondage  dressing slutty at home
 bondage benches  dressing slutty in public
 St. Andrews cross  high heels
 stocks  trampling
 other bondage furniture  foot worship
 Suspension Bondage  boots
 Escape Play (trying to get out  bare feet
of bondage)  wearing masks or hoods
 Spanking over knee  military, medical, or civil
 Spanking (bare hand) service uniforms
 Spanking (paddles)  school girl costumes
 Spanking (leather straps)  cross dressing
 Spanking (canes, sticks,  diapers
spoons... other stuff you've  'bondage atire (leather... etc)'
got laying around or can buy  wearing collars in public
at the craft store)  wearing collars in private
 anal toys  wearing collars during sexual
 Anal sex play
 biting  crawling around on the floor
 genital torture  cutting... or threatening to cut
 pinching  cum in mouth
 Blindfolds  begging for things
 Clothes pins?  chastity belts
 Choosing a submissive's  bathroom play
clothing  enemas
 Having a submissive lay out  exhibitionism
your clothes or dress you  voyeurism
 corsets  fisting
 lingerie  playing with food
She Wants What? 119

 wearing gags  creampies
 ball gags  deep throating
 bit gags  double penetration
 ring gags  fisting
 handjobs ( to you)  glory holes
 handjobs (to others)  massage
 blowjobs (to you)  outdoors sex
 blowjobs (to others)  dirty talk
 cunnilingus (with you)  sexual teasing
 Threesomes MFM  resistance play - struggling
 Threesomes FMF  cupping
 orgies  fireplay
 cunnilingus (with others)  nudity at home
 sex (with you)  nudity in public
 sex (with others)  sex clubs?
 sex with strangers  dungeon parties?
 bisexuality  playing at sex clubs or
 homosexuality dungeon parties?
 being forced into bi or  orgasm denial... or requiring
homosexuality permission
 humiliation - private  hair pulling
 humiliation - public  tickling
 kneeling  domestic chores
 wearing a leash  light pain
 nipple clamps  heavy pain
 butt plugs  gangbangs
 dildos  teacher student role play
 vibrators  rape roleplay
 strap-ons  age roleplay
She Wants What? 120

 medical roleplay  other roleplay
 prostitute roleplay  Piercing
 interogation roleplay  Branding
 cop/prisoner roleplay  Scars
 religious roleplay
She Wants What? 121

What else to read?
I’m torn on whether to try to make this exhaustive or specific.
It’s not like the internet isn’t full of ‘suggested reading lists’
on this topic. So you don’t REALLY need me to tell you what else
is out there like you might have in the days of libraries and book
stores. So you’re going to get a few of my favorites, and the why
I like them.

SM101: a Realistic Introduction, by Jay Wiseman
The closest thing I’ve found to a kinky encyclopedia. Jay tries
to cover it all, from the conceptual down through the mechanical
and does a rather damned successful job of it. If you’re going to
only get ONE book after this one, I think Jay’s would be a good
choice.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, Philip Miller and
Molly Devon
This one’s first on a lot of people’s lists. It’s a fantastic book,
though it’s never just been my ultimate favorite. A great look at
relationship principles in action as it details a lot of personal
anecdotes about the author’s lives together.

The New Topping Book, By Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
This is the best text on general ‘scening’ I’ve ever found. It
doesn’t dig into the specifics much – where to put your hand or
how to tie the rope, but instead talks about big pictures- the
She Wants What? 122

psychology behind different fantasies and how to, generally, pull
that fantasy together into a reality. There’s nothing else like it.

Devil in the Details Trilogy, by LT Morrison
This one is intense… Morrison focuses mostly on
master/slave relationships, and he’s way serious about it. That
said, he also discusses relationship dynamics and mechanics in
both theoretical and practical terms in a way that was eye-
opening to me. While we practice power exchange very
differently, his was definitely a book that opened my eyes to a
new way of thinking about power and people.

Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes, by Two Knotty
Boys
This, and its sequel, are two of my favorite resources on
bondage techniques when it comes down to the nitty gritty. That
said, while their writing style is understandable and clear, it can
be hard to follow every step of a tie presented in pictures and
words. Their workshops and videos are where these entertainers
REALLY excel. If you need a resource for rope, they should be it.

Final Thoughts
Well. I told you the book was short, flippant and full of more
questions than answers. I hope I delivered on those promises.
She Wants What? 123

I tried to cut all the parts out that I didn’t think were any
good, so it’s hard to write a summary of a book that I feel is
already a pretty bare bones summary already. But of all the
women I’ve known, the scariest were English teachers so I
suppose I must devote at least a modicum of effort to writing a
proper closing to this project.

The biggest enemies you’re going to be fighting in all of this
are things we haven’t really talked about yet. (Shit. Introducing
new ideas in the conclusion? I’m going to be looking over my
shoulder for English teachers all damned week.) Nothing we’ve
covered in this book is all that HARD to do, once. Or even once
in a while. It’s all easy when you’ve thought about it, prepared for
it, cleared your schedule, and focus on it. When it goes to hell is
when the rest of life is competing against it. This is true of any
relationship maintenance though. Do you stop for flowers after
the day from hell at work? Do you remember to plan a date night
when you’ve got family coming in next week? The difference
between those vanilla things that slip aside… and these power
exchange issues… is that NOW you’re going to have
accountability and commitment and communication. You can’t
PRETEND you didn’t know the relationship took maintenance. I
sorta screwed you on that one. Sorry.

How are you going to keep up with it? Read the damned
book again and I already told you. Okay. Okay. Fine.
Conclusions. Keep things simple. Keep things clear. Keep things
sexy. Keep things connected. Keep trying.
She Wants What? 124

As far as keeping things simple goes: Remember – don’t try to
make a hundred rules to cover every moment of every day. Don’t
try to take over control of everything all at once. I recommended
a commitment of two, two-hour sessions per week as a starting
point, and simple rules that need to be thought about a few times
a day in addition, and that are built around and work with the
daily schedules you guys already keep. Don’t set yourselves up
for failure. Design a structure that is plausible for YOUR life.

Keep things clear. I suggested writing down what you’re
trying at the moment – so that you both know what to expect.
Also, communicate liberally. “Hey, we planned to play tonight,
but I’ve got a big thing tomorrow. I know you’ve got the other
thing on Thursday, but would you be up for doing our playtime
after that, instead of tonight?” Don’t ‘hope the other doesn’t
remember.’ That’s not how this works. Communicate. Too
much. Even if it feels silly to talk so plainly about your
relationship and sex life. One thing that gets me laid a lot – I’m
good at talking about sex. I can talk sex with a total stranger, and
keep it from feeling weird or creepy. Which is only a skill I learned
from having it be weird and creepy until it wasn’t. Time and
again, new partners have told me that they weren’t used to
people

Keep things sexy. I was pretty clear earlier that I don’t think
power exchange is about, or even has to include, sexy time… but
it sure is easier and more fun when it does. So to keep yourselves
plugging away at this, plug away at… well, you know. Pick a new
toy or skill or tie or something that you want to try every week.
Something you’re actually curious about and can get excited
She Wants What? 125

about. That will make it easier to hold yourself accountable and
actually DO something.

Keep things connected means two things. One… of course
you should be doing all of this together as a team, but I sort of
feel like I covered that earlier in the communication part. What I
REALLY mean by staying connected is to stay connected with the
rest of the world. Be ACTIVE online and be ACTIVE locally and
you’ll have others holding you sort of accountable too. If you’re
going to a party this weekend, it will keep power exchange on
your mind all week. You’ll be thinking about what to wear, what
to take, whether you want to stop by the store for one more toy
for the bag… it keeps you focused.

And finally keep trying. The book’s not THAT short or funny.
If you made it this far, you did it because SOMETHING in your
relationship is worth the trouble of listening to me ramble all this
time. So don’t give up on that. Keep trying. For her sake. And
for yours. You deserve a sex slave after slogging through my
prose. Go grab one. Or two. You can tell her I said you deserve
two.

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