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in

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With special thanks to The Almighty, who saved Sashwat from all the trouble while trying to do good to the beautiful girls and dealing with their most frightful friends. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  

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“What have you done for me?” “Nothing”. You asked the question because you knew the answer. What is the use of saying that I have undergone scorching heat, singed myself, blistered myself, scalded myself, reduced myself to ashes and destroyed my whole existence to transfer the shimmer in you. You may shine bright today but I am your luster. No one can find me in your brightness. I never wanted to impress that upon anyone. You hold your head high today on the support of my lost sleep. I am a martyr who did all this for my own sake. I am a narcissistic martyr. I sacrificed myself for myself. A first by Biswajit

Follow me at: http://twitter.com/Biswajitkumarch

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Why this rubbish??

I felt a great need to write a novel. It was a dating session of my friend and he had introduced me to his would be girl friend as a writer. The response from her side was that I actually look like one. In rubber bathroom slipper in one of the most posh mall of Delhi, beard not shaved in ten days, folded sleeves, dirty jeanstotally mismatched dress, uncombed hairs, no cell phone, no wallet and carrying out orders of my friend. “What do you write?” I had no answer. That moment made me think and decide I really need to write something to show to the world and to put to use some language skills I picked up preparing for various exams and definitely to keep it in practice. I have tried writing many times, since my school days. All my writings were destroyed. Once just because in anger I deleted my email account where I had saved some of it. Laptop and Scribd are perfect instruments to save my work, which I need to do because I need to prove myself now. Scribd puts me

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under pressure to work because it helps me imagine there is audience waiting my story to be completed. What to write? Love has made many a poet and writer. I am a new addition to the list. Two love stories without a word ever. That is Sashwat. First for four years, second for four days. So saving some paper, my money and my draft has finally made me write something which cannot be understood by all. I say so because I have felt almost no one can ever understand that one can propose a girl just to make her happy, without any interest of his own. It is not always that a person loves another for his or her good qualities and after tallying all factors to check whether it will really fructify in children. Sometimes it is because one feels the other needs him because she is not good enough in some qualities the world thinks necessary to get love. Happy to hear she can get better than him. Coming to know she actually never needed him. Sometimes just to please her knowing he will have to face humiliating rejection. But he does it. Why he only knows. He is not whom love has made fool, he is one who made a fool of himself just for sake of other’s emotions. He is again under his moral obligation of returning the favor to the girl who he imagines likes him. He has forgotten the happenings of his MBA years and only the happy memories are

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with him. Obviously, he has to pay for his misdeeds in his PhD course as well. A feel of a different style of expression of love, happening twice in his life in quick succession, and problems of becoming unconventional in matters of heart. No one can understand why Sashwat did all this. Only him and perhaps the two girls. Try and see if you see some sense in all this nonsense of his.

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(1) Someone who felt ashamed to ask for anything from God, even for others was living on her money. The four girls were really strange. He had to beg in front of the director sir, in front of Nina ma’am for their mercy to spare him this time. He had wept to keep his job, to get proper marks. He never begged for himself. He begged for love from them, for himself, not for himself. He had thought he will fall at the feet of Manali and ask her to tell them that it was not such a serious case. He decided to tell her all this in an Orkut message. He logged on. It was blocked for him now. She had also set the testimonials to private mode that day. His humiliation was not going to stop at this. To avoid losing his self-respect Sashwat had to put their honour at stake. He had only thought that she wants to know about him and he should help her in taking proper decision. He may be laborious but this system had failed him. He will not be as successful as others who would most willingly marry her. Since she has shown likeness for him and he likes him too, it was his duty to make sure she gets the best possible option. He knowingly mis-

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spelt the words towards which he wanted to draw her attentions. Towards his shortcomings. He had not mentioned the big names to show his high level of thinking, it was to make her aware that there may be some with these big names on their resume within her reach. And in return he had to hear something of the effect that what was there in him that an MBA girl would fall for him, doing PhD. They were now free to infer whatever they wanted from his letters. Neena not knowing what to say blurted out that the people in her group had a right to publicly thrash him. That for asking Manali if her family would allow love marriage. Because there was proof that Manali had opposed the letters. Manali herself gave her the letter. She gave them the power which Sashwat had requested her not to do. Yes, he had asked her to forward the letter to them. Both are true. Life is not that simple. Neena got her lifetime opportunity to show her feministic streak. She was itching to bash some male. And Sashwat had to repeat his own death sentence, in his own words, which even Gagan was unwilling to accept that he pronounced. Neena got a chance of doing what she was not being able to do- there was nothing that could make her do that. She approved the verdict. The people in her group had a right to publicy thrash him. She told that in front of them all. Sashwat had went to the Director

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Sir thinking he will solve the matter. Here they were provoking them to take law in their hands- that too without any fault of his. Now he understood the importance of the court of law, else everyone will become a dictator. “What foolishness you did to give her these things in writing” “If she can be so stupid to like someone like me, I will commit this foolishness thousand times” She gave proof of her being foolish by handing them those letters, even the one from her side. All may feel she did the smart thing, but he is happier for what he did. She was really sweet and cute. It was his duty. She wrote in protest of her staring at her, in words where the actual intention were evident only to him, and produced the letter as evidence against him. Under what circumstances didn’t matter to anyone. He was writing to her even though she did not like it. He wrestled with the whole world because Archana had defective eyes and she responded with the words that she was frank enough to talk in straight terms. He begged for love from them, for himself, not for himself. *

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(2) I met her after she got married. As usual I could not meet eyes with her. She wanted me to look at her the same way. Her expression was as if nothing has changed. I am the same Archana. But alas, if only it could be true. You are not my Archana anymore. I can accept her, but never from my heart, even if some great tragedy befalls her. You are not the same. You are not the same. The same Archana whom I wanted to pull me to myself in college, and arrange her stray hairs looked so abominable. Where all he would have touched her. Whichever part I could imagine him touching her, caused me feel sick. I just wanted to throw up. If even a moment more I would have stayed there I would have really. It is true that a man is not changed after someone touches him, but a woman is changed forever. She becomes a woman from a girl. The transition is not so fast for men and it is more in the mind, not so evident. The girl changes and the man can never look at her as before. I was changed. * Manali is surprised why this time? Why now? Now because, Archana is no more in my thoughts. Now because I was not having laptop till now. Now because I had planned to wait for whole first year course. Now because after this session we would have never met in the same class

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together. If there were any heart break I would have hidden it from you. Now because Shivangi confirmed what I always knew. Now because I didn’t want Lakshmi to be in any confusion. Now because I saw you looking back at me. Now because I felt you want me to tell you something. Now because I may not be here for long.Now because your line in Orkut ‘life has to go on and on’ touched me so deeply. * How many explanations should I give you and all? I wanted this matter to remain between you and me. I had wanted the matter to remain between me and Archana. You both understand everything, but why I should give justification to one and all why I wrote to you.Why cannot you both explain it to them. You both just keep quiet. I know you both liked me. I liked you. I wanted to tell you something. Why you both have to shout it out to whole world. You both made me write to you. I was going my own way, stopped to help you both, you both shook off my hand and everyone saw this. They thought those hands were for asking something. If I tell them all, they think I was doing this out of any expectation from you both. There are thousands who are willing to help you. I just happened to be there and felt you need my help. I would have gone my own way. I just wanted to help you doesn’t mean you owe me something. I had no expectations at all. I just wanted both of you to get the best of this world. For me that is true love. Even if we would have been together for a while, believe me I would have found someone better for you and be really happy for you. If I cannot be best for you, I will get the best for you or get out of the way, you like it or not.

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You both are making me tell the whole story to the world. I had never uttered a word to anyone. * (3) Archana and Deepa were checking their marks on the notice board. Vinay came and Deepa . That feeling doesn’t go away so easily. Deepa turned her head, feeling uncomfortable of his presence with a slight smile on her lips. Archana acted the same way.So Archana is equating me with Binay. His next message was: If I like you in facebook, I will follow you in Twitter. Please stop behaving as if I am following you here. * She was a tamil girl. Not so fair, curly hairs, shy, homely. Just as Sashwat had imagined his wife. Very ordinary looking. Sometimes she used to come on her scooty. Once she had come with heena in her hands and once with Gajra tied in her hairs. Her notes were in demand from all of the class. * Be a brave girl. In the class the next day, she called Anik to ask him to come.

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Sashwat: yes? Archana: What is this? (with her mobile cell in her hand) Sashwat: wanted to show her what he could do. How vision towards woman changes: Anti-dowry act Domestic violence Harassment Feminist Bossy attitude ****************** Girls are free to call- dear, yaar, darling ********************* It is very important to maintain impression in class but why it was not worth it ******************** Slecting a moniter and get harassed by him ********************* Medical-representative—what is the difference? 70% in TNB and SRCC Now-a-day all do engineering Only that he has passed one more exam All read the same book

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************************ Sashwat had no sense of difference of who is close and who is not so nice. Santosh used to playfully pick up items from Prakash’s tiffin. His this style looked good. Sashwat tried the same with someone and Gopal Sometimes people act in their own way. If you thought Nina will ask them not to take law in their hands or Rajeev will act sophistically you are wrong. Sometimes they act that way not knowing what to do. Rajeev Ranjan- Laloo cut It was probably god in Rajan’s disguise Now I realize why Pravamaya did not write my name. People don’t remind you when they see you committing a mistake. Then the same people harass you for the same. Why do you do such things so that you anticipate trouble. Pain in hand still helped the woman lift her sack on her head. *

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(4) Be it leaving the bag unattended in the train, be it getting 48% marks in the first year, be it confronting me with letters that I wrote to her, be it the sms I sent to her, be it the scraps I sent to Joel and Archana... The cylinder that never burst in patna. I have lost my sleep. Sometimes I wonder is really everything so predetermined? I committed some mistake and Some people just think too much. What she will do is her problem. Yes it is but you know...

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(5) “Don’t worry, Mishra sir will find out whose comb it is.” These words left him blank. It was totally startling. In class IX th someone from his own class would threaten him to get beaten up by a teacher was totally out of the blue. It had happened when he was promoted to class VIII th also. It was the second day of the new class. The first day a new teacher had joined the school. He had given some homework. Homework in class VIIIth. They had to solve a few problems from Chemistry. Sashwat was so engrossed in his new books, exploring them, especially the physics book that he forgot to solve the problem. Rather he ignored. He had thought that the teachers would now consider them responsible enough to manage their own studies. But in the class the teacher asked for those who had not solved the problem. Sashwat stood up and so did Amit Pratap Singh. The whole class looked at them with a contempt in their eyes. The teacher did not ask anything. Even if he had asked, Sashwat would not have known what to reply. At the start of the period itself Sashwat was getting strokes of duster at his palm. The teacher has nothing to do with what a type of student Sashwat was. No questions, just answers in form of strokes of duster to discipline Sashwat.To make him do his homework. He was worried about the news of a girl being pulled inside a moving car and being raped , he was worried about how Americans are treating Indians, he was worried about the attack of all the invaders on India, he was worried about ugly

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girls, he was worried about how doctors treat patients, he was worried about polio, he was worried about famines. He was worried about the bank benchers not letting him concentrate on his studies. He had taken out a comb and pretended to arrange his hairs as Mishra Sir, the class teacher had described a boy freshly joining a college. Rajeev Ranjan the elected moniter tried to stop him. Sashwat had expected that he will join in the fun and some smart reply from him like, ok you are looing smart,now please keep that comb inside. But here the matter was different. Sensing the situation Sashwat had to say that it was not his comb. The way Rajeev Ranjan replied in front of the whole class was totally unexpected for him. Sashwat had no image. He didn’t care for that, and never for marks. Not in school. Not in college. Not in MBA. Not in PhD. And he had to pay the price of that. English teacher did not believe he had written those essays without copying from somewhere, the class-mates looked at him with despise. It had looked childish to raise a hand on every question being asked and answer them to impress the teacher, even when he was a child. Sahwat always wanted to go deeper in the questions. He could realize in his MBA class what the faculty meant when he said “ When I ask a question, think, don’t answer”. Sashwat had no game plan or any such thing. He was just acting as it looked the right thing for him to do. After passing out from the first year of college he got to know that Rajeev Ranjan had joined the IIT.

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“So he must be right. I was going the wrong way by playing all those pranks and acting like a joker in the class, even if it was only once.” “Nothing like that dear, he belongs to SC category.”

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(6) Adesh: You call yourself economist, you cannot work out a way to liberate farmers of their debt for which they have to sell off their daughters, commit suicide. Sashwat: What should I do? And when did I tell you I want to study because I want to waste my time thinking all this? I was attracted by the mention of hemline index by my economics teacher and how he established relation between the curves in the economic lessons with that of the female body. That is why I am here. Premchand rightly said these very farmers are happy when their wives die, and mourn when their cow is dead. Getting a wife is easier for them than getting a cow. Here water is costlier than milk. Farmers are committing suicide due to indebtedness they have fallen into due to rising of costs of production and the falling prices of farm commodities. Both these factors are rooted in the policies of trade liberalization and corporate globalization. Yesterday you were counting the benefits of liberalization and globalization. I got to view Astha. Its a story of a lower middle class happy nuclear family. The lady of the family gets involved

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in prostitution, owing to the not so good financial condition of the family. It is the story of the guilt that comes with the money and the cobweb that such a route entails that its quite an effort to come out of the profession once one enters it. I want to do something in pure finance and economics, but the system is forcing me towards management. So many mathematicians who don’t get job anywhere come in these fields and formulate beautiful formulae and theories. I will tell you what attracted me towards economics. A newly married girl died in my locality. The reason was anemia. That poor girl was made to work day and night after her marriage. Her mother told me right from her childhood she used to play with dolls dreaming of her husband. She was so happy when she got married. She would never have thought that the person of whom she had dreamt all along would kill her for money. Another one was burnt alive. A poor student was not able to appear in the exam. Next time people donated some money and took care of his fee. See all problems are there in the mind and their solutions are easy. You just have to look for them. If your child is feeling hungry let him suck your fingers. If you feel hungry have a few drop of opium. If you are unable to afford that too you can have a good time with your wife.

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Economics is that you need your daily bread; you cannot eat so much today to last whole of your life. Everything is there in the mind. There is nothing like hunger. It is all there in the mind. Kill those damn brain cells - the root of all evils - and the problem will be over for ever. Intoxicate. Intoxicate them. Intoxicate children with breasts devoid of any milk, women and men with the love of their family in the day and sex at night. Poverty and all those blab blab. If you define poverty in such a way that all of the country looks poor, there is some problem in you. Everyone seems to be happy. It is all in your mind. This whole world is strange. If you want to get rid of AIDS have sex with a child girl, if you want to have a son- devote the first one to The Ganges. **************************

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(7) Everyone was taking turn to gang-rape Sashwat. No one ever lets go of the opportunity to humiliate anyone. Sashwat was waiting to get all this over so that he could go back to his books to find the answer to this basic instinct of human beings, but at the moment every one was forcing himself or herself on him. The group of the girl for whom he did it all, just to save her from embarrassment was raping him time and again, in every possible manner. Even the authorities were using his defenselessness to disgrace him as much as possible .All evidences were against him and he was not even able to raise his head, sitting in front of the committee, least he be misunderstood and be shouted at. Any one had the right to thrash him, and the power was given to them by competent authorities themselves, in front of him. Just because he wrote some letter to Manali was enough in eyes of every one to humiliate him as much as possible. If he tired to stand up to this humiliation he would be taught a lesson in a much better way. They had the letters with them. For them it was a weapon to blackmail him. They could do anything with that. Hit him, abuse him, and go to the director or even to the police. No one took some time to think what would happen to him if authorities decide to take a stern action against him. He had

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written letters to her and the only way for him was a way out of college, and they did everything in their hands to make it happen. What and why he had written did not matter to them. Everyone was doing it for his or her own sake. Sandeep Kapasi, Karishma Shah, Gagan Gupta, Manoj Thomas and Manali herself. Faculties like Nina and Deputy Registrar understood the whole thing internally, but did not want to let go off this chance. They too violated his soul as much as they could. * Revenge…Revenge…Revenge…Rape for Rape. Whoever threatened to get him beaten by police will get his mother fucked by them. Whoever dared him to come to college and get battered by the class will meet the same fate, whoever supplied them the weapon will reap the harvest of his act. The girl who complained of the abuse by Sashwat will know the true meaning of the word. Sashwat had never though the words coming out from his heart for Manali, which he is putting on paper to save her from embarrassment, will make him go out of the college so soon. He was ordered to leave the college. He had also not thought such idea of revenge would come to his mind just a few days ago.

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*   (8) It was 2 a.m in the night. Power was cut-off. Sashwat was sweating. Slowly he had to remove all his clothes. Manali came in his thoughts. She was beside him. He raised her hands over her head. He was snuggling his nose into her arm-pit. The smell was intoxicating. They both were sweating. He put her toes in his mouth. She was so pink everywhere. Suddenly he heard a noise. He stopped. Someone was shouting ‘pink, pink’. He remembered Manali was wearing a pink dress that day. He did not raise his eyes to see what was happening. In case, Manali will get embarrassed. Two or three girls were looking at a girl and shouting ‘pink, pink’ targeting Gagan. Gagan was turning pink in his cheeks. Sashwat didn’t look in the directon Manali was sitting. Faculty entered the room and it was all over. Was the shout for Manali and Gagan. Gagan was no doubt there, but was it Manali. Cannot be. I didn’t want to be her boyfriend, but her lover. Is it not honesty to think in whatever condition of only her? People sleep with their wives and have an actress in their thoughts. I had also overlooked the statement about Sagar that ‘He has raped the books’. The faculty had complimented the girl with

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‘Hats off to you ma’am. I have taught for ten years but never came across such a bold statement from any girl. Hats off to you’.One of the two girls who were sitting in the first bench uttered those words. Nilima and Archana were there. Archana cannot do so. Neelima also cannot use such words. End of the matter. But, It was Archana. And it was Manali. Now he understood that forgetting the incidents was not he should have done. Archana got carried away. Girls do get carried away. Everyone gets carried away. That is why I will never marry a girl who has lived away from her house in hostel. Did Archana really got carried away. Did all started thinking that she is having something with Sujay, for nothing. Why do you need to talk for so long hours with your faces so close together. Archana and Manali both will reject me because they don’t want to hurt Sujay and Gagan. But Manali knew what was there in Gagan’s heart before all this and Archana started with Sujay knowing what this could lead to. Both knew they will ultimately not marry me. But in an attempt to reciprocate I proposed her. But I want to be the first to touch her soul, her body, her mind and her spirit. I want to be the first to be one wit her.She is not untouched for me. People have touched her by calling her flower. They have touched her with appreciative

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eyes and called her Mann. Gagan has touched her with the right that he commands over her. Each compliment that she gets sends her away from me. It may not be her fault but, sorry, it is mine. All these people making these compliments like you and I want a girl whom no one ever liked. Yes that is true. At least if that is not possible I should not be aware of that liking. I will never be able to accept you both. If I had foggiest idea that someone likes them or will like them, I would not have returned the feeling. No one likes anyone, they are made to like. “He is my brother” this is just an excuse and I understand it very well. The girl whom others threaten me to stay away, and try to protect from me, can never be my dream-girl. * Archana and Manali both disclosed the letters they felt will not harm Sashwat.

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(9) Natasha was sitting in her cubicle. Sashwat started, “You know, the girl I told you, in Chennai, got married”. Natasha looked up from her work. Sahwat continued, “I feel a girl in section A is interested in me. It seems she wants me to propose her. What do you think I should do?”. Natasha: You can send her an orkut request. There is provision where you can introduce yourself. Never write a mail. Your tone may be misunderstood in some cases. By the way, who is she?? Natasha had to leave for a class. She promised to come back and resume the talk. That day they could not meet again. Next day as Sahwat was working on a computer, next to Natasha, Shivangi approached him. Shivangi: So, I came to know there is someone who is interested in you. Sashwat: Who told you so? Shivangi: We have reporters all over. Nothing is hidden from us.

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Sashwat: Ha..ha.. Shivangi: Don’t laugh and tell me who is that girl. Sashwat: Do you think any girl may me be interested in me? Shivangi: I don’t have much time. Tell me who is that girl. We like to know who is our would be sister-in-law. Don’t we Natasha? Natasha nodded. Sashwat: Its no one. Please let me do my work. Shivangi: Tell us then we will not bother you. Sashwat: She is, I will tell you later who. Shivangi: Now don’t act too much. Tell us so that we can do something for you. Sashwat came to realize Natasha had told her about that girl. He had not realized they will take the matter so seriously. Sashwat: Oh, I told all that in a joke. Do you think I am of the type who will fall in all this? Shivangi: Please don’t waste my time. Simply tell me who it was. Sashwat was busy in finding out a very complicated formula for some of his research work. He was getting irritated.

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Sashwat: All right, there is no one. But if you really insist for your satisfaction I will give you a hint. Shivangi: I will be happy with that. Sashwat: She wears spectacles. Shivangi: What type of a hint is this. So many girls wear specs. Give me some other hint. Sashwat (without looking up from his desktop): Her name is that of a famous hill station. Shivangi: Nainital, Darjeeling, Ooty… Natasha: Dehradun.. Shivangi and Natasha think for a while. They could not get at the right name. Shivangi: See, we want to help you. You just cannot get away like that. We want the name and you will have to tell us. Seeing that there was no way out, Sashwat finally decided to tell them the name. Sashwat: There is a girl named Kulu Natasha: Kulu? I know almost every girl in section B, but not so much in section A. Even then I never heard any name like that. Sashwat: Off oh…all right, her name is Manali.

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Shivangi: Ohhhh, She is the girl. I had told Natasha many times that girl keeps looking towards our side. Sashwat had felt they will think this is a one-sided affair with only Sashwat developing a liking or her. But here things were turning in a different direction. Sashwat: When did you notice that? Shivangi: It was in all the classes of the first year as well as this year also. I used to think she looks at me. I used to think why she does so. Sometimes I feared she may be a lesbian. I had even told Natasha about that. Sashwat could not believe that Shivangi was telling the truth. Sahwat : Natasha, did she ever tell you anything like this? Natasha: Yes several times. Shivangi was always confused why that girl keeps looking at her. Though I don’t remember the face actually.

*************************************************

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(10) Why will he get tensed? If you drink dirty water, you are building up resistance. If you get selected for medical or engineering you may start enjoying it and not sit for the IAS.

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(11) Nilu called to say her request for transfer had been granted. There were tears in the eyes of mom.

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(12) He had searched for her in Orkut, Facebook, Twitter and even googled her. He could find her nowhere. Finally he searched the profile of some section A students and could find her profile in orkut. She had put her photo in her profile and it was open, anyone could read her scraps. She had three hundred and eleven friends in her Orkut profile. Sashwat sent her a message in Orkut that no one else could read that. * “Hi!! May be you don’t know me by my face, which is not good anyways. I am a stupid kind of, idiot, loafer, and careless person with very low self esteem. I have failed in many papers and finding the PhD course very hard to complete. Yet the college is making exception for me and letting me complete the course in less than stipulated time, perhaps to get rid of me. What I want to actually tell you is if I am causing any kind of discomfort to you, I am ready to hold my ears and sit down and stand up 150 times and I mean it. I am mad. In case you cannot recognize me visit my album. Thanks and sorry. And I don't care what you think of me.”

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* Sashwat looked for a common friend in Orkut, so that he could find when she came online. He waited for two days for her to come online. She did not come. There was something similar in both the girls. Sashwat was sure no girl would again be seemed interested after such a letter. But after a day or two he felt that it would be too demeaning to fall so much in front of a girl who is till now a bit stranger, what ever the reason. To make up he wrote another message in Manali’s Orkut message box. The message went thus: Hi!!! The earlier message was just to build up my courage. I have never said any thing like what I want to say to you, and I don't know how to. I am very bad at talking. Please don't take it otherwise, but I think somehow I have been liking you for almost one year now. I have nothing more to say. I also don't know what further steps I need to take, but I don't want this matter to play in my mind always. So, I just told you what I felt. *

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In the next class Manali glanced towards Sashwat. It was a glace of acceptance, a glance of assurance. * Shivangi, Natasha and Sashwat were sitting in the canteen of the Pharmacy College. Shivangi: So when are you going to propose her? Sashwat: Whom? Shivangi: That characterless girl. Sashwat: What are you talking? Shivangi (to Natasha): This Sashwat is really a characterless person. Sometimes he says he likes the QTM ma’am, some time he starts loving that old Strategic Management woman. He has got no character at all. At least he should understand how to talk about a girl. You just cannot start saying anything about any girl like that. Sashwat kept quiet. He looked into the eyes of Shivangi. There was a mixed feeling of hurt, helplessness and jealousy. *

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The list of the students opting for the subject was left by some one on a desktop in the computer centre. Sashwat checked the list. Manali’s name was there. * In the strategic management class as Manali entered the room, both the girls started giggling so as to attract the attention of Manali. Sashwat was praying Manali not look in his direction. Sashwat : Please act decently. We are Doctoral students. If people come to know something like this we will lose our distinction. Natasha: ohh..ohh, so much of talk about decorum. Shivangi: Now he will teach us about discipline for that loose girl, that bitch. The faculty came in the class and they all became quiet, but Sashwat became aware there will be some attempt by these girls to humiliate Manali. After the Strategic management class, Sashwat was coming down from the stairs in his usual carefree style. Manali with all her group members was there at the base of the stairs. As Sashwat crossed the group he could feel Manali turning her head away from them and watched Sashwat as he passed by.

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************************************************* 

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(13) Sashwat had come to the alumni meet. Archana came with Shweta. Sashwat knowing it was the last chance they were both meeting, gathered courage and approached her. Archana was alone at the moment . Shweta had gone to get some drink. A golden chain signifying her marriage was hanging around her neck. Sashwat: So, how are you? Archana: I am good. What about you? Got married? Sashwat: I want to tell you something I never dared. Archana: I kept waiting to hear it from you till the moment I got married. Once, if once you had told it to me then I would have come running to you. What stopped you then? Could you never realize that desire in my eyes? Sashwat, every girl wants the man she likes to come to her and express his feelings to her. She just keeps waiting and waiting. Somethings are better left unsaid. I know what you want to say but it is too late now. So what if he has right over my body, my soul will always belong to you. You were always there and will always be.

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Sashwat could see Shweta with drink in both her hands leaving the drink counter and coming towards them. There was a crowd near the counter so she could not see them. Its too late now. Its too late now. Its too late now…..the words kept echoing in his ears. He felt someone was strangling him. He kept turning his position in the bed in his sleep. Finally he woke up form his sleep. Those words of Archana were still ringing in ears. What had kept him from telling Archana that he loves her? Fear, fear of what? Rejection. Let her reject. Let her reject for whatever reason. I don’t want that to happen with me again in this case. Let me say it to her. Let me say it to her if she wants to hear it from me. 

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(14) They could have called me confidentially. But coming together to someone other’s room was something I had not anticipated. Sagar actually put his arms around me and tried to push my head ahead. It was Joel who had informed them all about the scraps I had written to Archana. Instead of calling me privately and informing me of my mistake he informed all his friends. There were matters related to all of them in the scraps. Archana came online at the same time and will you believe as all these discussions were going on was deleting all of the scraps. She had changed her setting to private from public and I was unaware that all her friends could read the scraps.

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(15) Sashwat was really feeling bad for Manali. If ever she was caught looking towards Sashwat, these girls will definitely give her some indication that they know all. He wanted to save Manali from such a situation. But he was not getting a proper plan to do that. Finally he thought he should write her to make her aware of the situation. He could not write directly to not look towards him. He had to place this hint in a letter but not make it quite evident. * When Sashwat felt that Manali is not so frequent visitor to Orkut, he lost patience and wrote some emails in official ‘World Client’. Finally when he found that she had not come he mailed her. Email is better than Sms. She read the mail and responded. After thinking that too much of thinking is injurious to action, Sashwat finally decided to write to Manali, how he felt about her. Writing in the official mail system named ‘WordClient’ in some way seemed inappropriate to him. Scrapping in Orkut was also not an option either. Sashwat finally found a way out and used the message feature in Orkut, which could be assessed only by her.

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* Hi Manali!!!! As you have rightly mentioned in your Orkut caption life is passing by very fast. I don’t want to get entangled in the emotional aspects of life. They give us pain and nothing else. Here is something on my background: I am an Msc in Biotech and an MBA finance (2006-2008).I worked with a market research company for one year 20082009, in Bangalore office. Though I have a specialization in finance I had to join a market research company as it was the first one to come in our campus placement and offered me a good job. It was hard to reject the offer. My father is a government employee with Jharkhand government and is due to retire in next 7-8 years. I have got a younger sister who is an Msc in Botany. She is a probationary officer in a public sector bank and planning to go for her MBA. She had cleared Preliminary round of Public service commission exam, but once she got selected in the bank, decided to stick with it. My mother is a house- wife. It may appear as bragging but, I don’t hesitate in telling what is true. I just could not clear IAS exam, because I never appeared for that .This happened because I had no backup plan. All my friends who were no where in competition with me passed from

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IITs and IIMs. I could not make it just because of lack of proper guidance. It hurts even today. I could have definitely cracked FMS, IIFT etc. if not IIMs but circumstances were such that I appeared for only one exam CAT , applied for only one institute and got selected for Chennai branch (because I was not having first division marks in my +2 and graduation ,they are 57 and 58 % resp.). Getting such marks was not due to my fault but totally system's. It may cause a problem for me even in future in getting some good jobs. I am totally caught up here in this university. You cannot imagine how I spend time with the three of them. Both the girls are in relationships. The latter one keeps on insulting me whenever she gets a chance. They are very jealous of me, I don’t know why. She is very jealous of any girl I mention. If they ever come to know I have any feeling for you they will definitely try to insult you. You may not understand what I am saying, but it is true. I am really sorry for that. I could not have joined fellow program in IIMs as it does not offer PhD and above that, there one needs to completely repeat two years MBA course. For other masters it’s not a problem, but for MBAs it is a torture. Without PhD it is not possible to get in academics. I know I will get a fraction of what corporate sector would pay me but I want to give back something to the man kind before I die one day. Money is least

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important for me and I want to earn whatever in respectable manner. I have a passion for studies and I decided to use it to my advantage. As for PhD here, the way they teach is totally not suitable for research. Arora and shrivastava sir has no understanding of research perspective. They just know how to teach a MBA class and expect me to follow their method of teaching. It was just a waste of time and energy for me. Fortunately I have good reputation with Mirza sir, Komal sir and Dilip sir who are kind enough to understand the problem I face. We are given some chances to complete the paper. I decided to use that opportunity and decided to go for in-depth studies even at the cost of getting bad marks and even failing in some papers. But there was no other way. I took many second year papers in my first year itself and am getting the benefit now. Shortfall in marks I will any way make up and have got in-depth knowledge of the subject too. Now only 12 credits are to be completed, which will be over in next 2-3 terms at the most. Hopefully with so many IIMs coming up in near future I will get a chance as faculty in one. I am also hopeful of a job in this university itself. I had a hobby of writing and used to get 100-125 hits on my Orkut profile everyday when I used to write in Orkut 'about me' section. It was so popular in our college. I miss those days.

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I don’t know what you think of me but I am not at all a flirt type. I really like you and would want you to give me a chance to explain why we can spend our remaining life together. Waiting for 'yes' of any girl is emotionally very draining experience, the sooner it ends the better. I will anyway get married in next 1-2 years, but would like to have you as my lifecompanion and soul mate. I even don’t know if you have a boyfriend already which is such a popular phenomenon now-adays. Is it permissible in your family to go for inter-caste, interstate, inter-lingual love marriage. And first of all, do you even consider me fit for you. I have too much to tell you, provided you give me a chance. I will send you an Orkut friend request which will tell all, if you accept. I just want you to hear me once, but only if there is some chance. ******************** Radha: Why did you mention all these IIT things in your letter? Did you think you can impress her by dropping all these words in your letter and make her believe you are a very high thinker? SaSashwat: It was just to help her decide and understand that I lack these degrees and qualification. I just wanted to be aware of the fact that there are people available for her with all these qualities. The only thing that worries me is that in my first

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message I had mentioned that she may not be knowing me. If by any chance I would have written that in e-mail in palce of Orkut and she would have made it public as she did, all would have got proof that I was stalking her. Then there would have been no way other than leaving the college.****************************** Manali was not there yet, in the consume-behavior class. Dhirendra, Shivangi ,Natasha and Sashwat took there seat as usual in the last row. Suddenly he saw Manali coming. As she came he became uncomfortable.

***************************** Sashwat was not being able to lift up his face. He knew if Manali will ever look in his direction, Shivangi was lying in wait to give her a dirty look. And it really happened. Even without lifting his face Sashwat came to know it had happened. * Her reply came: Please don’t expect anything from me. I have already planned my life. And I also do not expect any more letters from you.

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* Hi Manali!!!!! Your name is really cute, and reminds of the beautiful KuluManali (though it is impossible to compare the beauty to yours). If by any chance I get an opportunity I would like to change it to some pious name. How about the name -Puja, for you? You look as pure, calm and good. * Sashwat had always feared the worst. What if she came with her group and told him not to send her nay more mails or she will report it to the director sir, or go to police and he will have to spend three days in the police lock-up. He could only have nightmares of how his face would look like at that point of time.

*********************************** The words expect and planned were good for him. ************************************  

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(16) Lakshmi had come in a tight white sleeveless Salwar. Her figure was among the best in the college. She was looking beautiful. Sashwat was unable to remove his eye from her. Suddenly she came and stood near the table straight in front of the row. He could not keep his eyes away from her. Lakhshmi suddenly looked in that direction. She caught him looking at her. She looked away. Sashwat did not want to remove his eyes from her but he had to. But something prompted him to look at her again. As if she again was waiting for the moment. Their eyes met. She left with her friends. When she came back Sashwat could clearly feel there was redness caused by shyness on her face. She sat with her friends but there was a certain happiness on her face and in her behavior. Same thing had already happened in the class too where she would sit next to Manali sometimes his eyes would steal a look of her. Sashwat wanted to clear this mix-up . So he wrote another mail to Manali. * Hi Manali!!!!!

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First I should make you happy by writing to you. Then I should fear that you don't scold me in front of all. Who knows I may also be accused of harassing you. I am totally at your mercy. Then if I ask you, come to know you already have a boy friend. Some say so just for the heck of it. Even if that is not the case, I will keep loving you, and you will happily go away with someone else for ever in front of my eyes. Some say daddy will not agree and for some its mummy. The pressure to succeed in life also increases. How do I know you are ready at least to talk to me even?? Its almost sure you don't have courage and willingness to add me in your Orkut friend list. Why to take all this trouble?? I see no reason. It’s a bit personal but do you have a boyfriend? There seems no reason to believe why you should not have. I had made up my mind not to write to you anymore, only Lakshmi’s misunderstandings made me do it again. Its my last mail. ****************************** Hi Manali!!!! The first time I wrote to make you aware I am not normal. Second time just something to get a burden off my heart. Third

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time because I was apprehensive of some untoward incident. The fourth one just to show you I can disobey you. This probably last time I have to write to you again to let you know that one of your friends, Lakshmi, is thinking something about me which is true only to a very less extent. I had decided I will not write to you .I really don't want to do all this writing stuff. I am happy as I am. **********************************************  

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(17) It was going on from the very first day of the college. Sashwat was in the first year of PhD of Hyderabad College of Management. She was in the first year of MBA. The first session was orientation program in which a smart fellow was describing the EBSCO. She was making some smart comment to two of her classmates. Her innocent look had gone deep inside Sashwat’s heart. The PhD course required Sashwat to attend some classes in MBA class also. Manali’s seat was just in front of his.  

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(18) “You bloody fuckers” the corridor resonated with the

thunderous sound. Those words were not meant for them, they were intended for the system. The system which had made his blood boil for years. The restrictions, the inhibitions, the so called disciplinary structure everywhere, were killing his creativity for long. The flickering lamp throws out the brightest and biggest flame before it just dies out. He understood that the words that came out from his mouth were indications that the place was too much for him .He decided to leave his PhD course there. The class had just ended and the faculty had left .A guy had come towards Sashwat. Sashwat had sensed something was going to happen. She was following the guy just as a calf walks behind the Cow . Today he had not looked even once in her direction. The last email was really the last one from his side, or at least he had thought so. The guy came to him. Guy: You are sending the mails to Manali? Sashwat had expected he will have to face this situation if the mails got leaked.

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A look towards Manali. This was the first time they were so close to each other and the only time he looked her directly in her face. Manali’s expression was like she had no idea what to do. The class ended. Sashwat tried to merge in the crowd and get out of the class. Manoj was waiting for the class to get over. He quickly followed Dhirendra and asked if he was Sashwat. Dharmendra pointed in the direction of Sashwat. Sashwat could see Manali coming behind him. Arjun: You are writing mails to Manali? Sashwat for the first time looked at Manali. Her cute innocent face got stuck in his brain. She looked helpless. Sashwat: Yes, so? Manoj: She should not get any other mails now. Sashwat: But why should you tell me? Manali: He is my friend. Sashwat in his imagination had thought such a situation could arise, but it seemed just a thought. He had not thought the same situation will arise as had happened with Archana. Any person who loves any girl, if sees her supporting any other person to disgrace him, even when she knows that it is not

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totally his fault, the feeling of humiliation and worthlessness can be understood. He had bared his heart to her and she was supporting Manoj and helping him make Shashwat feel speechless in front of him. One can do nothing except listen to the scolding of that person in front of all in such condition. That happened with Sashwat now.He had done all this just to please at first and to protect hid self-dignity later on. Sashwat: ok, but I had already mailed her that I will not her any more mails. Lakshmi: You had said so earlier also. Sashwat for the first time realized that whole of the group had been reading the mails. He felt he will faint. The old theory of girls not being able to keep any secret was so true. Sashwat left the scene. He crossed the corridor. Something flashed in his mind. He came back and saw the group of girls discussing the matter. Gagan put his arms around his shoulders. Sashwat thought he would say something in a friendly manner. But he felt he was actually being dragged. Gagan: Don’t send her any more mails. Sashwat: You too are thinking the same way? Yaar, it was just… Gagan: I have read the mails and know everything. Stop

writing the mails. I don’t want to understand anything.

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Sashwat: It is not like what you are thinking. At least let me explain the whole matter. The experience was not new for Sashwat. Sashwat had sensed that Gagan was teased in the class whenever Manali used to come. Gagan put his arms around his shoulders and was trying to drag Sashwat towards the water room. Gagan: You listen, she should not get any more mails. Manoj: I know her since class 9th. There was similarity how Sujay and Daxay had behaved with Sashwat. It didn’t take a moment to realize that Gagan had some feeling for her. Sashwat learnt for the first time that you must be able to defend yourself even if you purely love someone. What if she reports it to her boy friend, father or police. Getting love in return of love actually never happens in India, only in Indian films. The time to leave the PhD course may come anytime. Sashwat had decided to make her a proposal. He did that .But being answerable to other person for the proposal was something he had not expected or wanted.

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The fuel was ready, the question stoked the fire. In ten days he left the course and joined corporate sector. The scientist in him was already dead. Now died a Noble Dream. 

Sashwat got angry and decided to take the matter to the director sir. He asked the group of girls to send all the emails to the director sir in a loud voice. He then dared Gagan and Arjun to come to the Director sir’s room. On the way Sashwat tried to explain the matter to Gagan but Gagan “Don’t talk with me in English. I know Hindi Very well. He patted the back of Sashwat two times and shaking his head was told, “just wait, I will show you in the hostel”. Sashwat had never been to the Director sir’s room and didn’t know the way. Gagan was thinking Sashwat was frightened, and tried to mockingly say that the director sir’s room is that side. Sashwat knocked at the door. Director Sir looked up from the table. Sashwat opened the door a bit. Sashwat: May I come in Sir? Director sir: Yes please.

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The three of them enters the room and on being offered take their seat. Sashwat: Sir, I am a PhD student. I have written some mails to Manali. These two persons are threatening me not to write to Manali any more mails. Director sir: (to Gagan) Why do you have problems? Gagan : Sir, please listen to me. He writes emails to Manali. Even when I asked him not to write, he says he will still do it. Director sir: If you all act like this, I will report the matter to police station and then all of you will be in problem. No UGC college will be ready to admit you. One of your friends (Aashish) has already been told to leave. Director sir: Call the girl. As if pranav was waiting for this moment. He rushed out to call Manali. The three girls (x, Manali and Lakshmi) came in.Manali stands with her face away from Sashwat. Pranav and the second guy(name) were expecting Manali will start complaing. No one knows how to introduce the girl to the Director Sir. Sashwat: (pointing towards Manali) Sir, she is the girl. The matter was being discussed while Lakshmi suddenly says, “oh, she is weeping”.

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Sashwat looks sympathetically towards her not knowing what to say. Manali: (Sobbing) No sir, he was not threatening… Director Sir calls the Registrar. Registrar looks at Sashwat as he enters the room. Director Sir looks towards registrar and they both talk in eyes. Registrar: You may be accused of ragging. Gagan: Sir, it is him who should be accused not us. Sashwat: Sir, I am myself against…. Director sir: If you had been so persistent in studies, you would have done wonders. In some organizations, it is banned. Sashwat understood that Director sir was talking about office romance. He could not stop himself from thinking that the hero of ‘ A beautiful mind’ ultimately marries his student. Sashwat was thinking about the mails he had written. The mail where he had written to her about the name change was also coming to his mind. The irony that he had decided to stop looking towards her and writing to her the same day made him want to smile. He was trying to understand the behavior of the group.

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Director Sir: It doesn’t seem from your face that you regret what you have done. Sashwat: Sir I am really sorry. I can give a written undertaking. Director sir: Tell it to her. Why are you telling it to me. Sashwat turns towards the girls Sashwat: Sir I am really sorry. Director: Why are you telling it to me? Tell her. Sashwat turned around to face the group of girls. Sashwat repeated whatever he had written her in the first message, only adding that she was like his sister, his mother, someone from his blood relationship. Sashwat: I am really sorry. You are just like my sister, my mother, someone from my blood relation.I am ready to hold my ears and do sit-ups if you want. Sashwat: I too have a sister Registrar: We all have sister. *************************************

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(19) Rules are meant to be bent. Director Sir had asked not to write emails to Manali. Any other method could be used in place of email and Sashwat roamed here and there in search of Arjun. He could not find him. In the mean time, he saw Manali with her roommate going for tea. On his way back he could again see them coming back. When Sashwat just couldn’t find Arjun, he came to his room. He was restless and thinking of his ways to find Arjun. Suddenly he clicked on IP messenger icon on his laptop. He thought twice. He felt, Good thinkers are never good doers. He flashed the First message: Who was that guy in red t-shirt in Investment-banking and Portfolio management class today? I want to say sorry to him. Sashwat. Room. No-104 Two replies came. One of Prasad and the other one of Shanti. I think he was Arjun. Sashwat wrote back. Is he the same guy who is close to Manali of Section-A?

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Yes. By then someone says, Ipmsngr is not the right place to discuss who is close to whom. Sashwat: Close means as brother, yaar Some other: Please don’t multi. Sandeep had come to Sashwat’s room. Sashwat was aware of what kind of guys would involve in this type of matters. He was leaning on the table as if owned the whole room and could do anything. He was feeling that definitely a crime has been committed and he will threaten Sashwat not to do it again and come out a winner. Sandeep: What is this rubbish you are doing from last one hour? Sashwat: First of all correct your body language. It will help you in life and in job also. Yes, now tell,What is it? Sandeep: What are you writing in messenger? Sashwat: Does your sister do everything after telling you? Yes Have you said enough?

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………………………………………… …………………………………………. Sashwat: All right, I have written now do what ever you want to do. Sandeeps face was something to be looked at. He had expected that Sashwat had written a letter to a girl, which was such a huge crime in his eyes. Sandeep: When you will have to spend three days in police-lock up then you will understand. Sashwat: Anything else? Now do you know what can I do for the way you are coming to my room and threatening me? Please leave the room and do what ever you want. Sashwat looked at his face. His lips were turned down into a frown with lips firmly pressed together. Sandeep felt humiliated. He had come thinking he will dominate and threaten Sashwat and go victorious. Sashwat never felt threatened at all. Inside he knew Manali will never go against him to such a extent as to make him fall in trouble. This was making Sandeep feel dishonored in front of his friend. There was slight lift of the lip into a sneer. The eyebrows were close together with deep lines in the middle like a furrowed

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brow. His eyes had become smaller. The color in the face had become more red. Sandeep: And stop sending her Sms etc. also. Sashwat: but I don’t have her number even. Sandeep (smiling): Oh what a type of love. Without having even her mobile number. Should I show you the mails? Yes..yes.. The other person was clenching and unclenching his fists. He was standing taller with shoulders back and chest protruding. He was spreading his arms away from his body in an attempt to threaten Sashwat. He pounded fists on the table and sticking a finger in the face of Sashwat said, The person: You, sister fucker, don’t you do it again. Sashwat: I had talk with director sir Sandeep: We know all. In place of feeling insulted or anything Sashwat was studying how these men were behaving without knowing anything about the matter. It is these types of men who are use by politicians for rioting. They cam be easily manipulated by a very less amount of propaganda. That the letter would land up in their hands never occurred to him.

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Sashwat was trying not to make it worse. He had no intension to pick up a fight. ************************************ Sashwat came back and started searching on the internet for possible punishment of the crime he had committed. He was afraid of being suspended up side-down in police station and beating beaten with thick bamboo sticks by two policemen as Sandeep had told. There was an article available. **************************************************************** ********************* What is sexual harassment? The Supreme court Guidelines on Sexual Harassment, 13 August 1997 has defined sexual harassment as “unwelcome sexually determined behavior” such as: • • • • Physical contact A demand or request or sexual favors Sexually colored remarks Showing pornography

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• Any other unwelcome physical, verbal or non-verbal

conduct of a sexual nature

Verbal: • • Sexual or gender based jokes or comments. Comments about clothing, personal behavior, or a

person’s body • • • • • • Requesting sexual favor Pressure for dates Graphic description of pornography Obscene phone calls Spreading rumors about a person’s personal or sex life Turning work discussion to sexual topics(using “puns”)

Non-verbal: • • • • Staring Sizing up a person’s body (looking up and down) Derogatory gestures of a sexual nature Sexually suggestive looks

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• Facial expression of a sexual nature, winking, licking lips

Physical: • • Unwelcome hugging kissing Standing too close to or brushing up against another

person, leaning over, invading a person’s space • • Patting, stroking, grabbing or pinching Blocking someone’s path with the purpose of making a

sexual advance • • Stalking Actual or attempted sexual assault, or forced fondling

Visual: • Presence of posters, cartoons, drawings, calendars,

pinups, pictures, computer programs of a sexual nature • • Notes or e-mails containing sexual comments Knick-knacks and other objects of a sexual nature

**************************************************************** *********************

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Sandeep could not take his defeat. He had not expected he will have to come back defeated. He called the Director at that time of the night. What was within the walls of the committee room had come out in the open. Nina Maam raised her eyebrows, puckered her mouth (lips) and nodded and rotated her palm in such a way while reading out the names of the faculty members as if he had written all that to impress Nina. She had forgotten that the mail was for Manali, only for her and not at all for anyone else. Registrar: Did sir not told you yesterday that if again this happens you will have to leave the college? Registrar: You must have done the same thing in your job also. Now we will look at it that way. Do you watch too many films? Registrar: why you wanted to know the name of that person? You thought he was her boyfriend and hit him. Director Sir: He did this again out of foolishness. Registrar: don’t try to fool us. The message will go to all. Nina Ma’am was reading the e-mail printouts. Nina: He has sent his biodata to her.

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Sashwat was relieved. She definitely had not got anything objectionable in the mails. Natasha had warned him that she is a bit of feminist. Sashwat: Maam only this much have I written, and was in humour. Nina Maam: This is enough. Director sir: Had he been so persistent in his studies, he would have done wonders. The group says that “He abused us”. Karishma tries to actually tell what the abusive word really was but thinks something and stops. Nina Maam: No..No..now this is too much… Director sir : I will call the hostel warden and you will be suspended for a week from the hostel. Director Sir attempts to dial the number, but stops. Nina Maam: When she got fed up of his mails, she decided to make it public. Sashwat finds no other way to counter this charge. Not knowing what to say

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Sashwat: Maam it was only because Rajiv had threatened me to thrash me once I reach the hostel. Nina Maam: She is a part of their group. They have all the right to hit you if you try to trouble her. Two of the group, “Sir, we have class and have to go”. Ok. Nina Maam: She is not attending classes today. Tell her she need not fear. We are with her. All of them leave the room. Nina Maam: I have a class sir, I need to leave. Sashwat: Thank you Ma’m Nina Maam looks towards him and doesn’t reply. Nina: A committee will be formed. You will receive a mail and will have to answer. Sashwat sitting in front of Director sir. Director sir asks him to have his tea and then go to regularly attend the class. Sashwat receives a call the next day. Director sir: you have called her? No Sir, I don’t have her number also. But they say you have messaged her.

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Sashwat understands, but “ No sir, it is not possible”. By then all the group members come inside and take their seat. Jaya comes with print-out of the mails. Sashwat hides his face (in two ways) as she reads the letters. Manoj: Sir, She doesn’t even know him. When I asked her who he was, she told he was one of those two persons. Sashwat: She knows me very well. Director Sir: Try to gain the sympathy of them. Sashwat thought to himself what was the need?

*******************************************

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(20) He was pulling Sashwat towards Archana, all smiles, expecting her to respond the same way. Archana avoided eye contact with him, not knowing what to do. She was evidently embarrassed and feeling uneasy. She squirmed in consternation. Sujay couldnot understand the matter. It was she who had started this smiling act first, at the ignorance and innocence of Sashwat, looking towards Sujay. She used to stand with him so close for hours. Sujay couldnot still understand the matter. Sashwat was still in contact with her.

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(21) Sashwat was not sure how those letters reached them. There were all the letters. Even the letter that she had written to him. She must would have provided them that letter. Or had they access to her laptop? She had kept those letters as proofs!!!! Sahwat had not felt Sandeep has such relationship with Manali that she would give him all the mails along with the mail that she had sent him. There were two reasons why Sashwat had suddenly decided to mail to Manali. One was the news of marriage of Archana and the second one that Nikita had confirmed that she had observed her looking towards them for one year. Sashwat was sure she would not accuse him of teasing her, and would never talk against him in this regard. Only she knew the real truth. ************************************************ Two- three days later Sashwat met Nina Maam in the corridor. ************************************************

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Sashwat saw Manali through the canteen window. There was an apologetic look in her eyes. Hi Manali!!!!! Really sorry for the ipmsngr incident. Two of your "chirkut" type friends actually came to my room when I mentioned my room no. I was expecting that, rather I was expecting the whole class, but not all are such fools. Wherever there is some love story some "chirkut" people with no business to mind of their own are born. I myself wanted those letters to be given to Director Sir, so that I may become spotless and he may know I have written just some innocent letters to you. They have no brains. They did just that. All they can think is someone has written a letter to a girl and they have some duty, as if, if they are not there the girl will not survive. It is obvious they didn't take pain to understand the letters. My purpose was served. One of them was Sanjay. These fools don't know if they have to stop some one in such sensitive matter they should not threaten by abusing in sister's name. First of all they don't even know what happened between the two of us. What good he did to you by showing the personal mails to faculty members? I was already at your mercy. What great bravery they showed? All were enjoying the love letters I wrote to you, reading them aloud. Some were asking who Lakshmi is.

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In no case should he have forwarded those personal letters. What was the urgency? Your dignity was at stake. All will now recognize you for those letters. Faculty members understood the whole case, and were laughing at their stupidity. Everyone was thinking why these persons have problem, when you have not uttered a single word of harassment. Your friends were just protecting their ego after they could not threaten me in my room and trying to teach me a lesson and not helping you. The whole problem arose because I wrote in world client, expecting no cultured person reads personal mails of others. I didn't know they are of such type, reading mails of others, that too girls. Where on earth do they get enough time to poke nose in other's personal matters, without even being asked. In all letters I was just begging you. They have plenty of time to read mails of girls and forward it to faculty members. What they have to do with who write to you and why? I would have suffered all humiliation but never done that. To show me what they can do, they sacrificed you. They could have just mentioned the ipmsngr to Director sir. What was the need to forward those personal letters. They just played with your weakness to take revenge from me. They showed me how much control they have over you. I know Gagan not only looks stupid and idiotic, he actually is, so I have no problem with him. He has given me enough proof to

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believe so. They will learn in time, else suffer. What have I to do? ********************************* Thank God Archana was not married earlier!!! ********************************* Sashwat was a man who had nowhere to go. He turned to Natasha and Shivangi for help. Natasha helped him by giving him some advice. Shivangi was also helpful. He knew he had cheated them both. But the reason was something different. The people who were helping him at this moment were they. Shivangi had never looked so lovely. The circumstances had brought the beauty of Shivangi in the open. When you feel cheated by someone you love, you feel the need of arms of some one other, anyone, just anyone at that particular moment. Sashwat wanted to keep his face in her lap and weep and weep. He did that in his heart.

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(22) Rahul: It was so childish to write a mail to a girl at this age. Come on grow up, be mature. Girls and weapon talk for them, who possess them at that moment. You gave her a weapon to use against you thinking you will be able to arise sympathy for you, love for you? How stupid is that? So now you saw what happens when power is given in the hands of them who don’t deserve it. Now remember, girls are made to be fucked. Just keep that in mind and enjoy life. They have no brains of their own. In bed they will just be there, whole responsibility lies on you. What can they do? If you tell them something, they will swell their face, if you do them something, they will swell their stomach. Do you understand why some person have so many girlfriends? Every girl considers herself to be a princess. It is different that during her marriage her father becomes a beggar. Never go for such a girl who is in group of so many guys. You have your self experienced all. What all guys do to be with a girl. The girl understands all. You will never receive the kind of

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love from such girls. They always have a option available. Do you think nothing goes on in the group? Love may be due to sympathy or respect. How do you expect there will no one in the group liking her? You had set out to do good to her? First do your own good. Fuck and forget the girls. How could you trust a total stranger girl with all your weaknesses. Now it is for all the public to see and your letters will be in written record of the college for ever. You should always take it as she gave them the letters to be forwarded to the authorities. It was a step that could have damaged your whole career. You only said she became more intimate with the guy after all this incident. I would have sent her just one more message, saying she need not go away from ipmsngr. How you decided to write her a mail? Sashwat: I had thought it will serve two purpose. If she will have some feeling for me she will try to save me and hide the mails from everyone. If something is going on, it will come in open when the mails will become public. Sashwat: She looked so coy.

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Rahul: You are really stupid . Haven’t you seen those blushing heroine in movies. That is only acting. It is well practiced. ************************ 

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(23) First day at college. The bus from Mandeveli to College. A journey of twenty-five kilometers through Old Mahabaipuram road. While coming back, Shweta and Archana had to get down near Madhya Kailash. They called the driver to stop the bus. He could not listen. Sahwat was sitting one row ahead of them. He rushed to the driver and asked him to stop the bus. Everyone clapped. Both the girls got down. Next day again Archana called out Sashwat to help her . Sashwat pretended he did not hear.Archana again called him. Sashwat showed his unwillingness. He had to adjust his laptop on the seat so that it didn’t fall off.Archana never again asked him. ********************** Sashwat had a habit of sitting on the first seat of the bus. The first seat near the exit. Archana and Shweta used to get down at a temple near Madhya Kailash. After some time he felt Archana used to smile when he used to look towards her. She had stated feeling Sashwat has something towards her. **************************

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Sashwat was sitting with Vishnu. Arhcana was carrying something or her presentation. Sashwat: Be careful *************************** The marketing faculty had arranged a product launch. She had made a poster. Sashwat was looking at that. He could see her smiling. *************************** Archana was with some of her friends As Sashwat passed he felt she was looking at him. ************************ Sashwat was getting in the bus. He could clearly feel Archana looing back at him *************************** Archana was in the chorus. She was looking at Sashwat . *************************** Archana had gone to attend some function with Vishnu. ***************************** Juice with Viany and ankur

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*************************** Sticky note creativity **************************** Sending her a missed call again **************************** Archana waiting for me in canteen ********************************

Vivek was a senior of Sashwat . He had recently lost his mother and used to behave strangely. He was acting strange near where Archana was sitting. Archana felt afraid and went to Vishnu. Vishnu: He is a good guy (about Sashwat). Sashwat thought to him why does she need to fear? She was black, very ordinary looking. *********************** After he got the chit, Sashwat called Vishnu, Paneer. Slowly closeness between Sujay and Archana was increasing. They were sitting together. Sashwat was coming down from the

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stairs of library and he could see Archana and Sujay standing near a pole too close to each other. Sashwat felt uncomfortable to cross them but both of them seemed to have no problem. Slowly it became a daily matter. Every time they both could be seen sitting or standing together near some pole or the other. Once while they both were standing and talking near a pole Sashwat happened to sit just opposite to them on a bench. Archana turned towards him as if to assure him. Sashwat became happy. Sashwat was going to a friend’s room . Archana’s bike had got some trouble. He could see Sujay trying to help her. When he saw Sashwat coming towards them he tried to hid Archana from his body. Once Sujat had an English Book in his hands. Just out of curiosity Sashwat asked him that it was o a friend. By chance he could see Archana’s name written on the book. Sujay asking about orkut writing Sujay was standing with Sashwat near the door of the classroom. Archana was coming from other side. She gave a smile to Sujay which was directed at Sashwat. Paneer also came out from the room and the usual teasing went on. Sagar: I came to hear they are having something.

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Menu: Now she is having another by boyfriend. 

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(24) It was raining and Sashwat had come with his umbrella to see off Dev, who had to take a bus from the main street. Sashwat: She would have been very happy with me as her husband. Dev: Is it because you are the only son? Your sister will go away after she is married. Archana will have only to deal with your mother. Right? Sashwat: Yes, I will always put my wife ahead of my mother. Dev seemed shocked. Sashwat had a habit of making such statements with such a expression on his face as if he had said something very natural. He was aware that Dev will get stuck on this. Dev: Why so? Sashwat: My mother has got her husband. She will weep the most when he dies. My wife will suffer the most when something happens to me. That’s why. Dev: Your thinking is very shallow and mean. Your mind is corrupt.Do you have no respect for your mother who brought you in this world?

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Sashwat: So what great favour they did to me? One passionate night my mother slept with my father and I was born. It was for their own fun. Did they take my permission? Dev: Mothers sacrifice so much for their children. Their love is selfless and do not demand anything. Sashwat: I don’t believe in all this crap. Dev: What crap? Sashwat: See, I will tell you an incident. I was coming from station day before yesterday. Two people were carrying a small goat on their motorbike. The kid was so cute. Three of their relatives met them just as I passed them. Each one of them patted the lovely animal and passed their hands over its soft fur. It was so lovely. But do you think would be the first thing they would do with it, once they reach their home? Dev: What do you want to say? Sashwat: just that love is momentary, dynamic and

comparative. Dev: Could you please explain these technical terms of yours in context of love. Sashwat: Can you see your bus coming. Is it 203? Dev: Yes

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The bus comes.Dev goes in.The bus starts moving. Sahwat: What ever I told you is applicable to wive only and not girlfriend or lover. Bus picks up speed and goes out of sight. Rain has slowed down. Sashwat returns to his room and starts his laptop. The laptop was booting and Sashwat was lost in his thoughts. His mind was full of memories of his childhood days, when he was of about five years. There was no question of recollections of the birth of his sister Sujata. She was born when he was one and a half years old. Every woman who would visit his home would query his mother if having a son is enough. Mother: Don’t you feel a need of having a friend to play with. Sashwat: Sujata is there. Mother: She is a girl. Would you play with girls? When Papa comes, you tell him you need someone to play with. Sashwat decides to comply to please his mother. Not being able to say ‘no’ had always been a problem for him. Thank God for he was not born a Girl.

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At night when his Papa comes Sashwat starts. Sashwat: Papa, Whom I can play with? I have no one.. Papa: Stop these nonsense talks. Have you memorized the tables? Sashwat feels bad about this behavior of his father. ******************************* Sashwat was smiling. He had found a strange relationship between condoms and Tajmahal. If condoms would have been invented or even the night-after pills back then, Tajmahal would never have been made. Where has all he been due to the love between his father and mother. Many of his potential siblings were flushed down the toilet. The Branding faculty would say “We are all born winners”. Oh my God!! Where all I have been!! A part of me was born in a sac in my father’s unmentionable body part, forced out in form of viscous liquid through urinal pipe with thousands of likely brothers and sisters into inner body of a woman. My that part competed and won to mate with a production of my mother. If it was female part, it was a clear case of incest, right before I took the shape of a human. It was at least a straight relationship, what happened when my sister went through the same process. Has she been a lesbian even

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before her birth? Getting in and coming out of dirty hole. Is this the suffering what we want to get rid of by getting salvation? My mother had to suffer for nine months for her act of love. The final day when this wretched character called Sashwat came in this world through a black hole, the pain was maximum for her. Sashwat must would have wept at the time of his second birth. Why he wept is now becoming clear to him. Love caused suffering to Sashwat who was in no way involved in the love, love caused suffering to his mother. Love takes till toll. The sound from his laptop of the booting being over took Sashwat out of his thinking world. ********************** In the extremely dynamic world and in the rapidly developing knowledge based service economy, has put in an increased demand for professionals to manage the business effectively. This is the precisely the reason why amongst various other fields of knowledge; desire for acquiring ma ********************** Sashwat had always been good at studies and bad in marks. The question whether he should go for higher studies was never there. MBA seemed to be logical choice because it gave an impression of moving towards earning some money. The

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general impression about going for masters’ degree in Science was that the person could not do anything else. PhD was as if reserved for girls. After graduation there was immense pressure to get in some job. Government jobs required only graduation. There was no logic to complete MSc and then go searching for jobs which were almost not there. Sashwat had prepared and performed well at medical entrance exam. At that time his aim was to do some research on cancer. He got some b-grade college in his first attempt, so decided to try second time. But due to preparation of medical entrance, his marks in the First year of graduation became too low. Mid way during his second year he realized that it would be wise to pay attention to graduation more. There were plenty of options available after BSc. In the mean time he came to know about MBA and IIMs. ************************ It was the first day for preparation of Mba Interview. The faculty asked a girl randomly “Why do you want to do an MBA?” “I want to be a working woman.”

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Sashwat thought to himself that if ever he was asked, he would say that he wanted to be a working man. A smile came to his lips. The faculty thought the smile was for him. Faculty: Where is your material ? He was asking about the material given to all the previous day and everyone was required to bring it today. Sashwat: Sir, I forgot to bring. Faculty: This shows you are not serious about this class. Sashwat: Sir, I am very serious. I had actually put that sheet in my bag to bring today. Faculty: Then? Sashwat: I forgot to bring that bag. All the girls started giggling. ************************* *************************** Telling Daxay not to tell anything to him ***************************** Maths had always been favourite subject of Sashwat, though he could never memorise his own phone number. He never got

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sin-cos-tan table by heart also. All the qualites required to be a academic researcher was in him, and it showed. He was basically introvert, meditative, philosophical, and curious and above all asked too many questions. He had not seen the Sun for whole year while preparing for his medican entrance test. ****************************** Simplification of qtm and accounting lessons- debit/ credit ******************************* It was just by luck that Sashwat and Archana came in the same group for group discussion preparation. Parkavi Maam was the mentor. Her perception towards him totally changed after listening to his views in the class. While comimg out of the class she was checking and adjusting her dress feeling Sashwat was coming behind her. Paneer also came in the group as expected. Sashwat tried to leave the group. But he felt bad to hurt Parkavi. Once he explained all the matter to Parkavi Maam. Archana was around the place, watching him doing all this. Parkavi: Oh, so you were so upset that day!!

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It was a presentation. Archana was in Aniruddh’s group. After the presentation Aniruddh asked Archana “So did you enjoy sitting with me?”. The happiness on face of her was evident. Sashwat for a moment realized for the first time that there is no such no such thing as only friendship between a girl and a boy. A underwear had came flying on the terrace of the hostel. Vinay asking me money. Satish asking me money. Shweta and Archana used to sit together. Shweta was impressed by him. Shweta and Mahesh. Shwetambari. Deepa. ********************* To Shivangi: take care of yourself. Who knows I may not be here tomorrow. What will happen. I may die. * Sons are like this, brothers are like that.  

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(25) Being a small-town man Sashwat was unaware of the ways of metropolitan cities. It is other matter that afterwards he realized they are much more conservative and backward in their mentality. Seeing thirteen year old girls with their boyfriend ******************* How success counts- paramjyoti and chirkut. ************************* Accident ************************ He had done his schooling in co-educational school, but never talked to any girl. He had been out of his home after class ninth and was not at all interested in TV shows. Movie tickets were too expensive for him. The only memory of actual romance for him was from classic Hindi movies. In those movies he had seen that the first step towards love was hero meeting the heroine. Then instant spark

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flied, there was intense eye-to-eye conversation and they sang songs with no care in amid millions blooming flowers. Paneer : She has already got a boyfriend. He came in the college fest also and he drops her daily on his bike. Sashwat for once became speechless. Paneer: If you want I can give you his phone number also. His name is Raj. It had never occured to Sashwat that one should first confirm if the girl is already having a boy-friend. He was still living in his small town, in his school days. Paneer: And I have been watching you for many days. You keep looking towards her. These days, Sashwat had clearly observed, every girl keeps a gentleman student with her. They call each other their best friend. Paneer was best friend of Archana. These friends are used by these girls for all day to day work. Earlier girls formed their own group and boys were not let in. In Postgraduate professional courses, not a single girl was left free. Some of the qualities Sashwat had observed to be necessary for becoming best friends were: • He should stick to the girl like sticky note.

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• He had to be of slight feminine/ gay and of metro sexual

nature. • He should not be ashamed of carrying the bags of the girl

if there is some need. • He should pose no threat to the girl, in form of potential

proposer. • He should be able to say that she is her sister if there is

any question on their relationships. • He should be ready to go to parties etc. with her, even if it

required hiding it from his friends. • • He should be able to crack cheap jokes to keep her happy. He should be of such a nature that reading mails and Sms

of the girl seem natural to him. • Condemned to be called brother, though enjoy the

company of girl Paneer fulfilled all the criteria. He considered himself to be the best friend of Archana. Paneer asked for Sashwat’s cell phone. Sashwat gave it to him. He had thought Paneer would play some game on it. Paneer returned the cell phone in a minute.

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Paneer: Only today I came to know that you are sending her messages. Sashwat was at a loss. How could she tell him? Sashwat was not knowing Paneer ans Archana were out for the weekend to attend Sumita’s sister marriage in Visakhapattanam. Someone had brought those photographs of their journey to Vizag. From those photographs Sashwat could understand that they were together for as much time as possible. Sashwat remembered that two days ago, Paneer was dressing up to go somewhere. Sashwat had asked him where he was going? Paneer had said he was going to his sister’s place. Now the matter became clear to him. Paneer continued: She is not liking those messages. Sashwat kept quiet. Paneer left the place with last words “She should not receive any more messages and delete her phone number from your mobile.” In the lunch hour Archana was returning with Deeksha from canteen. Sashwat gathered some courage. Sashwat: Archana, I want to talk to you.

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Archana: regarding what? Sashwat: Come, we will talk in canteen. Paneer accompanied them. Sashwat: So you are receiving messages from me? Paneer: Archana, keep those messages, don’t delete them. They both left the place and went to the food counter. Archana took up a plate. Paneer too. There was just one spoon available. Archana tried to pick that up. Paneer tried to compete with her. She won. Paneer tried to snatch the spoon from her. This playful teasing went on in front of Sashwat’s eyes. ******************************** The words by Paneer made Sashwat really angry. He decided to do what he was being blamed of. The next class was of Consumer behavior. The visiting faculty gave the thirty-page case study to read and was out for a while. Deepak had good powered spectacles. Sashwat took it from him and tried to look through it to Archana, as if what can she do if he really looked at her. She was enjoying his antics. When this this didn’t seem to work he decided to just do something. He stared hard at her breasts.

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He started playing the silly-funny game of looking up, down, here, there, only to come back to the breasts. He was staring directly at them. The right one, then the left one. Her luscious breasts were being kissed by her short curly hairs and were standing in the way of his sight. He tried to measure the size of the bra she would have worn. She felt strange and cast her eyes down. He kept on staring. She could barely contain her shy smile. Strange girl, he thought to himself. Sashwat was made of some other stuff. He decided to teach her a lesson. He tried to dash against her whenever he got a chance. Finally one day when Archana was coming with Anjali, Sashwat got the chance. Anjali and Archana were entering the room. Archana was walking behind Anjali. Both the girls had sensed what Sashwat had in his mind. Anjali was sympathetic to Sashwat. She entered the room. Sashwat increased his pace and trying to show he was in great hurry, banged into her. At least he had tried for the full frontal impact, but he was not hard-wired for that type of activity. Though he could have made it possible, what actually happened was a rub of his shoulder with hers, though the rub was hard enough. The breakfast session was next. ************************ I just wanted to slap you- two implications.

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********************* ************************** Sashwat started writing in orkut. His writings became popular. He had expected she would feel angry on reading all this, but exactly the opposite happened. ********************* First day bus Vivek Next day to stop bus at her home The bag was in the luggage compartment just above Archana’s head. All the girls were aware that Sashwat was shy enough. Sashwat tried to come towards her to get the bag. Archana got up and took the bag from its place and handed it over to him. Sahwat could only mumble ‘thank you’ ******************* Girls started becoming fan of Sashwat’s writings. The more he wrote about her relationship with others, the more she became happy

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************************** Sahwat persuaded Anona to make Archana take his call. Finally she became ready. Sashwat: Hi!! I am Sashwat. Archana was not ready for an introduction like this. Archana: Yes..yes.. Then something struck her and she started talking in an angry voice. Archana: Yes tell me. Sashwat: See, I am not at all interested in you or any other girl in the college. Archana: ok Sashwat: There was just some confusion regarding the letter. ***************************** Rituraj calling Sashwat in bus. ***************************** Clapping when Sashwat talked with paneer in gd ************************

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Hitting Paneer on the road. Paneer held his hand and asked him to come to police station with him. Then he rushed to the faculty members standing at the gate of the Mandaveli campus. Paneer: Sir, he is sending messages to Archana. Director sir asking “ what happened?” Sashwat: Sir, it was it fault. ************************** **************************** Sashwat was looking for where to get her mobile number from. ***************************** Sashwat would have by himself went and told her sorry. But whole world were after him, pressurizing him for the same. ***************************** Sashwat had taken to smoking. Once he went with his friends to smoke behind the bus. Archana thought it was to ompress her. She came towards the group of boys. Sashwat could not understand that it was for him. It took him some time. ******************************* Archana feeling bad when Sashwat palys fool

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***************************** Photo session- Sashwat with beard. ******************************* Gaurish interview ********************************* Vishnu- she carries his photo in her wallet ****************************** Sashwat in Standard Chartered interview, in canteen Sujay company, Sashwat in Gaurish company ***************************** Sashwat in search of Aminnor ***************************** Sashwat in Qtm paper ************************* It was a Diwali night. Sashwat decided to say her sorry. He

started typing ‘I am sorry, please accept my friendship request’ in her orkut scrap-book.He did it thousand times, numbering the sentence each time. Then he sent her a message to come to orkut.

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Next day she had written some phrase in her orkut, in Tamil. Now what was it? He called Sujay. Sujay *********************** Abusing sujay in orkut Sujay praising my writings I trusting him with all * making strange noises twice or three times a week which sound like a baby whining/moaning TB Reading all related books but doing nothing get a full nights sleep * All my hard works are paying off now when I have no time or ability to concentrate

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(26) Sashwat was sitting in the canteen. His summer project presentation was due to start after an hour. The college had after much pleading somehow got him the project, but the concerned person at the office had asked him not to come to the office. He had assured that he would be provided the certificate. Three days back Sashwat had gone to get the certificate. Boss: Where is your project report? Sashwat: Sir, here it is. Boss: Who were directing you for the project? Sashwat: Sir, Mr. Amitava and Mr. Saha. The Boss calls the two of them. Boss: Mr. Amitava I am not satisfied with the work done in this project. Mr. Amitava had come prepared or this situation. He had thirteen years of experience in this field. He presents a report prepared by a girl last year. Mr. Amitava: See, how good work this girl has done.

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Sashwat thinks to himself why this report was not shown to him for all these three months. He takes a look at the report. As expected it was nicely typed and formatted. Sashwat was always bad at presentation aspect of the report. Boss: What work had been allotted to him? Both keep quite. Boss shows his displeasure by his unhappy facial expression. Boss: I will sign this certificate, but I am not at all happy by the work done by you. Sashwat: I myself am not satisfied sir. Boss takes a pen and signs the certificate. Sashwat is relieved. Now at least he will get in his hands. He had gone thirteen times to Mr. Saha, who kept on telling him to make corrections in the project report. Where to make the corrections, he was unable to tell. He just kept telling that the company was a corporate entity so there should be no error, else it will be a legal problem. But what and where to do the corrections????? Finally, the certificate is in hands of Sashwat. He gets it photocopied.

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That part done, but now what to do in today’s presentation? He had not been given any work in the office. Director sir Sir had come to know that it was the best Finance batch ever. He himself wanted to be present in the presentations. Sashwat had filled the report with all the information available on the internet. Director Sir had strictly advised that time should not be wasted on describing the company profile. Sashwat was nervous. There were some people sitting five tables ahead. Archana was also there in that group. Sashwat pulls a chair and puts his leg on it. He places his laptop on his lap. He was totally at loss at what to do. All of a sudden Bhaskar Sir came, and shouted at him. Bhaskar: Why do you need to keep your legs on the chair. Sashwat: Sir..Sir.. Bhaskar: Just wipe the chair. Sashwat could not understand what to do. All the people at the Archana’s table were smiling. Paneer just got what he wanted. Sashwat took out a handkerchief out from his pocket and wiped the chair. Bhaskar Sir went muttering.

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Something clicked Sashwat. He went running after Bhaskar Sir, who had by now reached the passage leading to the Director sir’s room. Sashwat: Sir, you should not have treated me like that. Bhaskar Sir starts screaming. Sashwat: Sir, I had not seen you were present there. Bhaskar sir: I have been brought up like that. Sashwat: I smoke, but I don’t smoke in front of you.I had not seen you. Bhaskar Sir : Do you want me to report the matter to the director sir. Sashwat: You have all the power to do so.. Slapping Paneer.reaction of Archana and others. Like mother doesn’t want her son to go to bed with her daughter-in-law.Raj.the classical question of can a girl and a boy be friends? The first reaction of anyone who heard of my having an affair with her was of fiding the use of it. Some counted that it would amount to a cool 50-60 thousand per month. Other thought I was after the property. She looked “kali maa”.Why would

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anyone ever love a girl like her. There must be some reason. The usual algorithm of finding a girl-friend is that of: 1 2 3 4 Look for a good looking girl Look which state Spend time with her Be friend

Some even be brother. They could never think that someone can love some one because of her inferior features. He curly haies, dark complexion, one eye defective, what must be the intention? Changes in her due to love. Black girl Good in bad Gossips- about math topper and about her sass- bahu serial Do you watch movies At first it was shweta who used to think. She talked to all about me. I will not love her even if anyone likes her. Girls start fearing Bride-burning, sarita- we are lucky.

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Testing archana, daxay, sujay, paneer The wrong letter Fears of not proposing Messages to sujay and replies

Girls were making fun of her in bus

“I had thought we would be launching products” making me write the letter.you are here for job, right?Liberalisation ***************** The first salary ********************* Helping Gopi and Anik in job ********************* Getting loan in MBA ********************* Practical-lady *********************

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Clients of the company *********************** If you don’t anger her, how will you ever pamper her. ******************** How Sashwat made them believe, it was not him-messages ************************* Messaging to the three girls **************************** Problems and financial help to Ansuman after leaving the jobmarriage of sister

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(27) This world is a strange place. If I always wanted and am happy having a daughter, people look at me through a sympathetic eye. If I have no problem my wife going out with someone they have. Here a weak famished man pulls a well-fed on rickshaw up the slope of the road.

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(28) "May I kiss you?". He sensed the silent invitation in her eyes. He looked into her eyes for reply. Her eyes were drooping under the heavy weight of shyness. With these words the desire joined forces with shyness and her eyes closed completely.   The psychology of choosing own boy-friend ********************************* Writing love letter and matching it with education-villagers ************************** Comparing expected responses of Manali with Archana ******************************** 

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(29) How much you will drill her after you get her after so much of effort? You will definitely fill all her holes.She will not be able to ask for more for a month. Sashwat had never imagined her wearing only a smile. How can you dream her without a stitch? She is so calamitous. Sashwat had never thought that he was fairer than her. Even if she invites me now, I will feel the touch of her husband on her body.

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(30) So who is your ideal match? The girl must be an Orkut fan, Sashwat thought to himself. Sashwat: any one. Radha:Anyone? Sashwat: Yes anyone who likes me. Radha: So if a black blind girl likes you, you will marry her.. Sashwat: Yes Radha: ok, add some more Sashwat: just who is innocent, meaning not a student of Teir one and two city and definitely not having professional education and been a hostelite ever...and not rated 'sexy' in orkut, guys should not dare to do that. Her mails and sms should not be accessible to any one, however close.Not having many friends from opposite sex and no best friend business...a bit choosy, have to be. Any mention in "what you learnt from past relationship"..out..out.I never go for second-hand products.

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Radha: So, colour of the skin, voice, character, weight, figure, eyes, walking style, hairs, dress sense, table manners, education, nature etc. has no consideration for you? Sashwat: No, I want someone who needs me. Now since you have asked, I have decided to marry a handicapped girl. And for your quality list…can you again name them one by one? Radha had not expected this shy, careless looking guy would be so fun to talk to. Radha seemed perplexed at the mention of Sex-starved Indian men equate women who look them in the eye and don’t wear dupattas as easy to bed. A professionally qualified girl is more likely to have casual sex than Indian women. That doesn’t mean they would sleep around with everybody. They can be likened to whores, bitches. Radha: What do you mean when you say she should be innocent? Sashwat: Virgin, mentally and physically. See, I received a forwarded message from a friend. It said “ In love marriage you marry your girl-friend, in arranged marriage you marry other’s girlfriend”. It is not always that a girl who had premarital sex will marry their partners. Ours is a society where premarital sex is a religious taboo and family honour is perceived to lie in the

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wife’s intact hymen. Men see in the stained bedsheet proof of their honour. What is wrong with that? They should bleed on the wedding night. Girls who live in hostels experiment with sex. They are sexually liberated high class cigarette smoking girls. They have gone beyond their morals. When I sleep for the first time with my wife, she should experience sex, and more significantly bleed. Once virginity is lost it cannot be restored except in case of mythological characters like Kunti in Mahabharata. Radha: Today’s doctors are no less than Gods. Doctors can help her restore her virginity and you would not be able to tell. Sashwat: I cannot. That is precisely why I have put hostelites out of my list. Hostels are perfect place for them who feel stifled in restricted society. Radha: Will you consider religion and caste aspect of the girl? Sashwat: Religion is tricky matter. Recently an incident happened related with ‘Jodha Akbar’ movie. I will tell that story later on. It was the first major movie in Bollywood in recent year about a Hindu woman in love with a muslim man. In most Hindu-Muslim love stories on cinema, the woman has always been Muslim. Veer zara, Gadar, Bombay and Henna. Even Mughal-e-Azam d Guljar’s film ‘Lekin’, which showed Hindu wives of muslim men, only had them in supporting roles.

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Similarly a man from high caste can marry a girl from low caste but if the opposite happens, there are communities like Khaps in Haryana who take care of the matter. Recently I read a book by a writer. In a scene he describes how the low-caste husband imagines that he is hitting all the high caste people, while making every stroke during having sex with his high caste wife. Radha: Indira Gandhi married a Muslim!! Sashwat: Yes, and he had affairs with Tarkeshwari Sinha, Mahmuna Sultana, Subhadra Joshi, a Nepalese woman and also a high-caste Kearala divorcee. Radha: Men have always cheated on women of their lives. Sashwat: And so have women. Indira is rumored to have relationships with a German teacher at Shantiniketan, Premarital affairs with Feroze Gandhi, Mathai, Dinesh Singh and Dhirendra Brahmachari. I say people should not marry girls who are going to join a job. These girls learn how to use men. Radha: The first thing guys look for in a girl is fairness. Sashwat: Sorry, it is a full, shapely breast and then comes well rounded hips.

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Radha: oh!!! Sashwat: With Barak Obama wining the Noble prize, and becoming the president of US, skin colour has become secondary. These fair coloured people oppressed us for about 300 years.All atrocities..Jalaianwala Wala Bagh..Even they now go for tanning their skin. Black is Beautiful. Second quality please. Radha: Voice Sashwat: Do you know a bird called cuckoo. That nasty bird has got so sweet voice. And what it does? Radha: What? Sashwat: It shirks its responsibility and makes crows do all the baby-care or it. I want my child to have my wife’s milk so that she grows intelligent as me. The use of ‘she’ caught the attention of Radha, but she she didn’t want to lose the flow of the talk. Radha: As far as I know, it is the male one who has got the sweet voice and calls his mate. Sashwat: Whatever, next quality? Radha: Would you not prefer a slim girl?

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Sashwat: What are you talking? She must be a Hindu, though I am open to any religion, the probability is high that she will be a Hindu. Radha: I sometimes just cannot understand you Sashwat: What is there to understand? Radha: How is slimness related to being Hindu? Sashwat: Dear, I want to live long. She must keep fasts for me. There her excess weight will come handy. Radha: Now for short curly hairs you will say it is the fashion of the day, like of Kangana Ranaut. Sashwat: Yes now you got it. Radha: These kids are so cute. Do you like male child more or female child. Sashwat: I always have wanted two -three black, curly haired small girls, just like Archana. Sorry, first it was just my princess before I met Archana. Now any number of her is not enough in my life. I love her so much. Radha: You are an MBA, working with such a big multinational company, how much dowry do you expect?

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For Sashwat word like dowry was something he found vulgar even to mouth. How can someone demand something from a girl? The scene of the group discussion that he attended for preparation of CAT flashed in his mind. How girls in all modern dresses were talking about brides being burnt. From their look it was clear that they feared how their father will be treated. Being happily married was a dream come true for them. Radha: In this time, you expect that your wife have no male friends? Sashwat: I know the first thing that comes to my mind when any girl asks for any help from me is that will she sleep with me? I also know that men in their nineties masturbate. A man and a woman can never be friends…. Radha: Because the thing called sex comes in between. Both laugh. Sashwat: Have you ever thought how would your father behave if suddenly all the females are wiped out of this world, and you are the only one alive? Radha: I leave such types of dirty question for you.

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Sashwat: There is an only male and female character that matters. All relationships are secondary and man-made. Continuing, Sashwat: suppose your father is the only male on this world, what would you do? Radha: For now there are plenty….do you always think this type of stupid questions? Sashwat: Why, you don’t? Radha: No,I don’t Sashwat: Now you don’t say you don’t play with yourself. Who doesn’t watch porn now a day? Radha is shocked. Sashwat: I am not hypocritical. I say what is true and fact. Radha: Do you prefer love marriage or arranged marriage? Sashwat: As a male, arranged marriage is better for me. Who looks if the girl will be good to them. That comes later. First how she looks and how much can her father cough up. Radha; So you want a girl whom no one had ever liked? ………………………………………….

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…………………………………………. Radha: Do you don’t feel need of a girl-friend? I pray to God if at all he has to call me to him, do it before my marriage, or at most within three-four years after I get married. I will not marry even if she died.

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(31) Pappu mama had come. Papa was to go to get Surabhi. Pappu: Sashwat can’t go? Papa: No, he studies!! There is no need to collect newspaper now. Everything is available on the internet. What is this? Just keep sitting in front of a open computer and everything is done. There is no need to do everything like military. If I ask him to get me a bookshelf, he will say that I am not such a great scholar that every book should be in front of me always. I want to make a library. There are two types of father. First, who has children for handing them down his property. Second types have them to help himself run the house. If I am not doing all this, then do you come from Delhi and do? He will bring into being a daughter then distribute the responsibility among all his relatives. For some she is grand-

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daughter, for others, niece. If that is not enough to take care of her marriage- he will make her a daughter of the society. Everything is being taken care of. We will discuss this matter only between 8-9 in the night. It will slowly become a habit. Why did you not become a bank clerk? I am born in the same system as him. It is the same for all of us. It will be hard to find a suitable groom even if she becomes an IAS. Is it like that? The family of the groom is given respect not because he is a male, but because he will make her owner of their property. * For three days he will think about what is happening. Then he will say that the affected person should find out a solution. Then he will say it is in her luck. Then he will forget all. * You all start with all your talks so early in the morning.

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(32) Marriage..earn more and more for guy and earn more and more for her father.

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(33) Sashwat had got a call or interview for Assistant professor position. The director had been the deputy director of the college Sashwat had attended. Sashwat was sure there would be questions on Adam Smith. Adam Smith was the favourite economist of Kannan Sir. He used to come to the, cross his legs while standing in front of the white-board, his back resting against the wall. The first sentence he would say would be “Ask me anything”. Students used to ask and he used to reply. Sometimes he used to ask questions from the students too but if any one attempted to answer he would say “Think, don’t answer”. Kannan Sir was a IIM Bangalore product, and had worked for ITC.   Sashwat was movie lover. He was once watching some film in TV room. Two people came to study. Later Sashwat came to know that they had spread the word that he watches family drama the whole day in the TV room.

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Mahindra singh had been called at Ansal plaza. Sashwat and he had discussion about how nothing would have changed If Tendulkar would not have born. Mahindra gets a call from his Orkut girl friend. He gets new shocks. Sahwat agrees to go with him. Cousin of the girl is also to come. They reach, auto wala a bit earlier. Sashwat brings cold drink. He sits in front of the other girl. Keeps on looking at the TV. The girl sometimes look at him. Sashwat and Anik met each other in Madurai. Anik: Do you know how once I was accused of teasing girls in Chennai. Sashwat: no! how Anik: I was once travelling in bus. As the bus was approaching my stop, I moved towards the front gate of the bus. A group of girls were also to get down there. Suddely the conductor started shouting at me. I thought he was asking for ticket. I tried to show him that I had the ticket, but he kept on shouting.

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When I got down at the stop I asked a person, what the conductor was saying. He said that I was being too close to the girls. Sashwat reminded of the girl incident in Delhi. Girls teasing Sashwat on road Sashwat wanting to say you are welcome North east-rikshaw Sahwat and Anil in bus, a beautiful girl in crowded bus Thinking the riksawala will come back Girl carrying plant Sandis compound Cycling competition Tnb case ******************** Archana had written a testimonial to Paneer.  

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(34) It was just by chance that he had come across the

advertisement of the Hyderabad School of Management. After resigning from the job he was looking for some assignment as a teacher. He chanced upon the advertisement and lost no time in calling the institute. The stipend was confirmed. It seemed a golden opportunity. The required fee was Rs.1000/- only. He applied. Suffering from Jaundice. Sashwat was taking a train to Hyderabad for the interview. He was waiting on the platform, when a military person came to him. His name was Sunder. A beggar came to Sashwat. Sashwat could not meet his eyes. He had calculated. The money he was carrying would not be enough to come back to home. He had to pay to Hijras in the train also. He felt ashamed at himself. He will pay the Hijras but not to this begger. Why is Sashwat having money in his pocket, while this beggar not? A beautiful small beggar girl was helping her mother walk by holding the stick. Her mother was blind. She was……… ……………………………………

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……………………………………… Sunder: I have been posted to Kashmir. Sashwat: So you are going to Kashmir. Sunder: Yes. After a brief pause, Sunder: We can have any Girl we want there. Sashwat could clearly see the lust in his eyes. History lessons of Alexander, Gori, Gazhnavi attacking India came to his mind. Different attackers and rioters have different aims. Using the women of the invaded country for own lust is perhaps the most important reason arousing aggressive behavior in men. Kashmir was not being invaded. But after talking with this man Sashwat got some idea of what can happens there. ******************* Rapist attitude of men are liked by some women. In a famous book, a lady urges her husband to go to enjoy a woman whom all others are enjoying. She feels why he should be deprived of such pleasure? ********************

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The d-day arrived. He was suffering from mild stomach-ache. There were total twelve students for interview. his turn was fifth. Two girls were there in white. “I am selected” he blurted out. Anik who was waiting to do some acting by leaving his seat for him etc. was amazed. The girls the widest and slimmest were amazed. Finally the time came. Anik called to say he was in waiting list.Sashwat checked the mail. He had been selected. The first class was of Statistics, called QTm. The books for MBAs were available, but PhD students had to wait. In the first class the cute looking madam gave the assignment to draw bar chart etc. There was some similarity in the female teachers.

I used to think that DPM is not a high-level MBA course and I need a different perspective and strategy to succeed in this field that call for in-depth research. It took me some time to adjust to the MBA class again. 1 Even IIM-A gives first year waiver to all MBA students

(business world, Sep 14, 2009). Repeating the

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2 However times we keep repeating our MBA we will not be

able to appreciate a research paper and put the concepts to use until we start working on something beyond MBA. We did it twice and we all know how much we can apply it. In effect, we will learn applications two years from now. 3 We should be spared of assignments and class

participation which requires us to act like a fresh MBA student. 4 5 6 I always sacrificed marks Work load of assigned teachers Surprise quizes

The work load by the assigned teacher was very great. It used to consume most of my time. Lacked systematic way No one was ready to study with me. 7 8 9 Case of hc shrivastava Go to library to see last year’s papers Half of the class failed

The papers I had selected for my course were as follows:

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1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 Quantitative techniques inmangement-1. Managerial economics Financial management -1 Macroeconomics Quantitative techniques in management-2 Written analysis and communication Financial management-2 Strategic management-1 Managerial accounting -1 Investment and portfolio management Investment banking Research methodology Marketing research Communication for management teachers

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(35) Sashwat was apprehensive of whom he will have to stay with, in the hostel. MBA guys are just not right. Dhirendra was also in PhD and planning to do it in finance. “Why don’t you just stay with me?” “Yeah, let’s see the room” Both reach the room and have a look. “Seems good” “Yes” “I have to talk to registrar sir. I am a local, may be he will allow me to come from my home” “Oh!! Lets see” Dhirendra agrees. Dhirendra kept his hair long. The reason he gave was that he had no money to get his hair cut. People took it as joke . He used to try to project a very religious picture of himself. and Sashwat go to registrar’s room. Ajiit asks the

registrar if his coming from home was possible. He readily

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************************** Once Niraj and Saswat were sitting together in a park. Niraj looked up at the sky and saw a lone star. It was considered a bad omen to have seen a lone star in the sky. If one made other see the star to some other person, the bad effect would be warded off. Sashwat: Today it seems there are no stars in the sky. Niraj got the chance. Niraj: See there is a star. Sashwat looked up to see the star. He had understood what was happening.Knowing perfectly , he looked up-not knowing how to tackle the situation Sashwat thought how can God be happy with someone if he transfers his problem to other innocent person? Would God have not been more pleased had Niraj taken the responsibility to bear the effect on himself? Niraj: Gandhi ji is responsible for the condition of our country. Sashwat: what condition?

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Never competed homework in finance class.You have got a big zero. Don't keep over affection or possessive on anyone, bcoz it hurts a lot lot, very painful...Never trust anyone no one is perfect in the world. Fans and friends of girls in orkut. Rajasthani and phd girl Girls were asking what happened between me and Gagan. Girls behave as if there was nothing from their side. Feeling from both side(Archana waiting for mail). What if polio, small pox, accident. English education *************** Guys carry condom to college ***************

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She was slim, rather natural size zero. The breasts were full and proportionate to her figure, but her hips were dull. Her voice was choky. He could not remove his eyes from her. Rajni was jealous of any one Ankur even talked of. Ankur: I just love this madam. Rajni: You are just a characterless fellow. This dress looks cute-gifted by manav. Always on phone. Came to meet when asked to come for ipm. The day Sashwat heard of marriage of Sometimes how weak we become in search of love. Sashwat had never seen these two together, but that day the two were being so intimate, laughing and joking together. How foolish you feel. You propose knowing you are just doing it to please her. You are told no more is expected of you. If you just send her threefour more just to save your self-respect, she comes with her group. Scolds you. Authorities threaten you to make you leave the course. Some say she need not fear you since they are there with her. Some of her friends who are so junior to you

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threaten to hit you, patting on your back. Then you see her becoming cosy to that guy like never before as if telling you are unwanted. All the girls start fearing you. You cannot meet the eyes of your faculty ever again. She starts weeping too, what all think of that is so obvious. Say sorry to her in front of all, though you had already told her before. Her friends wanted to blackmail you. They thought they will in any case come out victorious and you will listen to their threatening silently. When you did not comply they in frustration forwarded the letter to the authorities. That whore helped them in all this. The scene of a driver trying to pick up a cute girl flashed in front of his eyes. The girl mocked at the child. The mother made her wash herself. *************************************** Look back after paying the autowallah **************************************** What were you thinking? About you only *************************** Again CAT- Archana’s email

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************************** Meeting Manali near girl’s hostel and outside canteen. *****************************

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(36) Kamal had called Sahwat. After spending some thirty minutes on talks, finally he broke the news that Archana was married last week. Namita had told him about this. She had instructed him not to tell him all this. He also came to know that Archana had urged every one not to any material rewlated to her marriage on the internet, in orkut, facebook etc. Sashwat choked. He could not continue the conversation. Tears came in his eyes.  

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(37) Today, after completing one year from the day he left the Hyderabad college of Management, Sashwat has submitted his resignation letter. He has got calls for PhD from three Universities from Germany. He will be leaving in a month or two’s time. With him will be his wife and his daughter Archana. He has decided something for her. She may choose any Person for herself in the world but he will always advice her that neither should she go for an MBA nor her husband should be an MBA. God only will decide what will happen in future but at this point he feels MBA is the most worthless degree in the world.

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(38) I worked day and night for her. She was my motivation. Right from my childhood I had dreamt how to get her married. Tension that she may be maried to Binay. She She is touching thirty-one. You can talk to me only between eight to nine at night. It took me five years to get command over a basic subject like management. Right from starting preparation to getting the right job. Yes that is true and that is precisely why you should pay more attention to your studies. “He only says things, but does nothing, why could you not clear the bank clerk exam?” If she gets selected for IAS at least some PO will definitely marry her.I Sashwat If he will spend six months in getting approval from Ira, and finally the reply will be no then where will there be time to try for other. She will be nearing thirty-two. One more Ira and she will cross thirty-two. Without a single paisa in hand. She has become of thirty-one We commited a great mistake. Everyoneeeeee gives date of birth as five or six years less in their birth certificate.

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As he has heard you talk, so he speaks. Both of the them think she has done smoething so great that any one will marry her. She will find her own soulmate What will she tell from her own mouth. Only one year has passed after she go the job It was eight. She had to leave for office in an hour. There was something in the trunk. I went to help her. The whole of the world knows what all I have done for my family. Stop fighting, what the whole world will say that she fights with her son. The whole of the world knows what all I have done for my family. AI want her to become more advanced, she tries to make me feel that I should behave in a particular way beause she has right to property and doesn’t need anything from me. I feel bad when papa scholds her. I fought with papa for nilu’s marriage and she told me you tell so. Nilu has suffered a lot.explain.What have you done for me? ‘Nothing’.

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Her innocent barb affected my heart in such a way that molten emotions came out of my eyes. I thought that we should decide who will get what before I get married, but then i wanted to give her all. Whatever we thought of gifting him, he demanded that and more. You asked the question because you knew the answer. What is the use of saying that I have undergone scorching heat, singed myself, blistered myself, scalded myself, reduced myself to ashes and destroyed my whole existence to transfer the shimmer in you. You may shine bright today but I am your luster. No one can find me in your brightness. I never wanted to impress that upon anyone. I am a martyr who did all this for my own sake. I am a narcissistic martyr. I sacrificed myself for myself. I think what she would have done had he died. Loosing gold ornament by mummy. Operation, I think of teaching her to use Atm card. “What have you done for me?” “Nothing”. You asked the question because you knew the answer.

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What is the use of saying that I have undergone scorching heat, singed myself, blistered myself, scalded myself, reduced myself to ashes and destroyed my whole existence to transfer the shimmer in you. You may shine bright today but I am your luster. No one can find me in your brightness. I never wanted to impress that upon anyone. You hold your head high today on the support of my lost sleep. I am a martyr who did all this for my own sake. I am a narcissistic martyr. I sacrificed myself for myself. I have been compared with Mr. Aloo Yadav twice. Once in school by Rajeev ranjan other time in mba by paneer. Prakash stared at me. How will she take care of her two daughters? What all people do to get loved. Even if I don’t want to get married I have to take smiles. man-eater, man-chester I think what she would have done had he died. Loosing gold ornament by mummy. Operation, I think of teaching he to us What will she say? What will the society say?

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(39) Rahul was from IIM. He had this unique style of teaching. He was handling Marketing Strategy.

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(40) They asked for dowry from the girl who was ready to kill herself to give her kidney to her father and brother. It is good she died.

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(41) Hurting someone is not what I can do.haircut like laloo yadav. Was a friend with Santosh. Sunil started actually hitting me. Monitor. I was in the wrong school. He has stood fourth.toilet.I will tell them to beat you. Chest-beating. Vyanktesh-tie.Wanted to avid appearing in too many exams. Doing Msc not possible.

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(42) Sashwat had become more experienced now. Archana and Manali both acted shy after they had humiliated me. I just came to the terrace from the stairs. She was waiting for me. She tried to act shy agian the same way. Manali was doing the same. Hers was real. Lakshmi was waiting for Manali to come to the washroom. Sashwat was sitting in the last row. She would have to cross him. She turned from there. Lakshmi sensed something. But the harm was done. Had she not replied in the mail, Sashwat would not have replied in the same.

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(43) Nikhat Yasmin got the job of Probationary officer. The young man who was ready to marry her, refused now. Her father was a peon in the office of a private company. I should sacrifice my leg for the girl only to be told later that she will not be able to marry me because she cannot stand sight of me. What would have Arhana done? She was just practical. * Let me ask questions. Why do I need a monitor? Taking out from Gopal’s tiffin.  

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(44) She was a girl with long hairs. Any girl wearing Indian dress makes you feel as if she is a goddess. I had some plans for my wife. It was in Delhi for the first time when Sashwat first saw a girl in temple wearing a jeans. He had a special feeling for the girl with long hairs.But after three four months she broke all the records. She used to lower her eyes and change her way whenever she saw me. But not changed her way. Tried to run away from me.avoid me. friendly fightfights used to go on. Two hearts met. two souls met. Innocent love. Is laughiing at the words of someone so bad? How my views changed. The heat of the passion melted away the wax of shyness. Looked innocent. Perhaps parents will allow. or ma may be not. Good guys are hard to come by now a day This shyness is a strange thing. Even in porn movies girls are coy. They sell their beauty. They sell their coyness. They can also act coy. Had first seen a girl wearing jeans first in Delhi. Should check well enough. Even if you want to be liberal and let her have her ways, society will laugh at you. Especially for guys. Be sure to check. Even if you find something wrong with her character ina

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later stage society will hold you guilty. Even if you are quite all right with sitting at home and let her work, even if you just want stay with her parents at her home. One has to give up shyness at some point or other. * What is the difference between a TNB college physics graduate and those from other big colleges? TNB students study physics to get a taste of it. They get 70% marks by getting those five or six questions by heart. They don’t have conceptual clarity and they know only that much. * Manali when I went downstairs to attend accounting class. * Death from Diya

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THE FINAL SCENE The six months time frame given by the doctor has passed yesterday. It was not at all the fault of the ox. I came in his way. It was just running away from the person who was chasing him away. I just couldn’t give him the way as I could not hear it coming from behind me. All the bones that broke this time are the same which were the last time. Some extra wounds are there on my lungs, heart and everywhere else. I cannot move any side. The right side hurts as does the left. I have to stay still. Thank god the time is over. I want to live some more. Everything seems so unreal. Where will my body go? Where will my pains and happiness go? What will all these trees, buildings, birds and mountains mean for me now? If they were real they should exist forever. They are here when I am here. I want to stop the time. I want to live some more. I want everything to remain the same. I want to feel the same when I see a beautiful girl coming from a distance. I want to feel the same when I pass a difficult test. I want to dream big forever. I want to be a scientist making a breakthrough. I want to be famous. I want to be rich. But I am slowly losing my feelings. I am losing everything. I feel happy when someone

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comes to meet me, even now. How long will this feeling last I don’t know. A person is detached when he comes to the world, and he becomes detached when he is about to leave the world. Everything is meaningless. Thankfully my life has not been. I want to continue seeing this beautiful world. I will donate my eyes. I will live through my eyes. Why only eyes? I will donate all possible organs and my whole body. Before the flame dies out it has lightened life of someone my own somewhere. I will remain in memory of some. Time leaves nothing vacuum. It will replace the memory. If even one heart is hurt for the time being, there will be at least a drop of my tear in the blood spilled. And that is my satisfaction. ----------------xxxxxxxxx--------------------

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