Kwo-oh-fee!

by Rachit Agarwal

Conceived by Anubhuti Jain

BLACK. A voice. Male, around 20 years. This is the voice ofUhm... BOY (V.O.) SMASH CUT: (The space in which the previous action took place is now revealed to be-) INT. BOY’S HEAD Represented by a DARK STAGE. Almost like a stage for a stand-up comedian. But, the only thing illuminated is BOY, everything else is in shadows. BOY is standing. Around 20-ish, manageable, spiked hair, clean shaven. Dressed rather dapperly in FORMAL SHIRT, DINNER JACKET, and matching FORMAL PANTS. But, in quasi stand up comedian style, a pair of CONVERSE SNEAKERS adorn his feet. A MIC is placed in front of him. ...uhm... BOY

Leans forward a little, as though uncertain, and taps the mic. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - MORNING It’s a crowded cafe, full of that stereotypical cafe crowd. We’ll reveal the main players as and when we get to them. BOY, dressed casually in JEANS, a comic book T-SHIRT and AVIATORS, enters, BAG slung over one shoulder. Sits down. Takes a NOTEBOOK and BALLPOINT PEN from his BAG. BOY (V.O.) ...mic testing... (taps mic) Opens blank page. Writes “TO DO” on top.

(CONTINUED)

2. CONTINUED:

...one... Starts a numbered list“1. CHARACTERS” ...two... “2. PLOT” ...three... “3. SCREENPLAY”

BOY (V.O.)

BOY (V.O.)

BOY (V.O.)

BOY (V.O.) ...testing, testing... Starts tapping his pen on his notebook, as if thinking. There’s a certain exhaustion about his movement, like he hasn’t slept in some time. Brief clips of: A. Rubbing his face in exasperation. B. Running his hands through his hair. C. A watch, with the seconds hand sweeping past very quickly. D. Massaging his temple. BOY (V.O.) Uhm...I don’t think it’s working. CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD Taps mic. Shakes his head, as if to say “No”. BOY (calling out to someone off screen) Abbey, mic le jaao, oi! Mic is dragged off screen.

(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED:

BOY (CONT’D) Yea, well. Getting back to the point ofCUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY is still massaging his throbbing temple. BOY (V.O.) (like a dying man) -nourishment... Almost on cue, WAITER#1 appears behind him. WAITER#1 (handing BOY a MENU) So, what will it be today? Hearing this, BOY perks up, and opens the MENU. BOY (V.O.) My Story, Chapter 1: “So, what will it be today?” BOY starts scanning the MENU. BOY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Cappucino...americano...hot chocolate...iced americano...cold coffee...veg sandwich...chicken tikka sandwich...veg pizza...and, today I think I’ll haveHe reaches something on the MENU listed only asBOY (CONT’D) (to WAITER#1) The usual. WAITER#1 And what might that be, sir? BOY Uhm...a double espresso. Please. WAITER#1 An espresso is black coffee. BOY nods, and WAITER#1 leaves. BOY’s looking off camera, a far away look in his eyes.
(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED:

BOY (V.O.) Some people are able to pull off that whole “The Usual” schtick. We now reveal what BOY has been looking atA suave looking man, dressed smartly in SHORTS and a GOLF SHIRT, two girls sitting at the table with him. This is FLIRT. He is well built, with a square jaw-line, fair. Clean shaven. This group is obviously having a gala time, as witnessed by how the girls are squealing with laughter, hanging onto every joke FLIRT makes. WAITER#2 makes his way to their table. We can just make out Monty Norman’s James Bond theme being played on a guitar. WAITER#2 So, what will it be today? The usual. FLIRT

WAITER#2 (more to himself, writing the order down) One cold coffee. FLIRT (suave) Shaken. Not stirred. WAITER#2 nods and leaves, all as BOY watches, agape. BOY (V.O.) Hmm. Yea...no, he just comes here more often than I do. FLIRT looks at him, and raises an eyebrow, as if questioning him. BOY turns his head to the right, to revealGUITARIST sitting on a raised pedestal, his friends (3 males, 2 females) sitting on a step lower than him, looking up reverently at him, as he plays the James Bond theme on a steel string acoustic guitar, “feeling” each note. CUT TO:

5.

INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY leans forward and knocks on the camera lens twice. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS GUITARIST stops playing, looks up, and while leaning over the guitarWho’s there? GUITARIST CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD You. BOY CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS You who? GUITARIST CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY Stop cheering that flirt on, you aint doing my self confidence any good! BOY is visibly fuming and hyper. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS GUITARIST bows his head down (almost in shame), and keeps the GUITAR down. BOY, who’d been looking at GUITARIST all this while, turns, grinning, towards his “TO DO” list.

(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED:

He jumps a little to see FLIRT seated facing him, at his table. FLIRT You starin’ at me? You starin’ at me? You starin’ at me? He turns around to look behind him. FLIRT (CONT’D) Well, who the hell else were you starin' at? You starin' at me? BOY (nervous) Uhm...uhm... CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY just gulps. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS FLIRT This’ll teach you, fag! FLIRT bangs BOY’s head against the table. As his head’s falling, we cut between two versions- one in which FLIRT is there in the scene, and one where the place where FLIRT was sitting is empty, ending with the latter. BOY (V.O.) Uhm...zzz...? Wakey wakey, rise and shine! Hello...? CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY (with concern) Coffee! Somebody get coffee! BOY sniffs.

(CONTINUED)

7. CONTINUED:

BOY (CONT’D) (cheering up a bit) Hey! CoCUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY’s still lying head down on the table. But he starts getting up slowly, like a thirsty man who’s just seen water. -ffee! BOY

Through his groggy eyes, BOY can just about make out a guy, 20-ish, with gaunt features and a goatee, picking up an espresso shot. This is DOPER. He’s with another guy, an innocent looking chap we’ll just call STRAIGHT GUY. BOY jerks up, alert, and watches in melancholy desire as DOPER drinks up shot after shot of espresso. BOY (V.O.) Uhm...People tell me what’s worth doing is worth overdoing. And I believed them. Which, probably is what landed me in this mess. Yes, I am in love. With coffee, of all things. Coffee, Red Bull, any caffeine. After a point, it’s idiotic, actually. Waking up each day with a massive hangover because your body craves coffee, counting all the sheep in all of Wales at night, not being able to sleep, because you have to much coffee in your body. Which is, I think what landed me in this mess. Oh, I said that already. Ha! CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY is sitting on a chair, “confessing”. BOY I think my mind’s going too here, there everywhere. (MORE)
(CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: BOY (CONT'D) (pointing off camera) Hey! Squirrels. With guitars! Oh, never mind. Whoa-

CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY (V.O.) -why doesn’t anyone make a movie on coffee addiction? I mean, it’s a legit addiction. Every bit as life threatening as drug addiction, I’m sure. BOY zones out. CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY zones out. CUT TO: INT. DOPER’S HOUSE Quick, brief clips of DOPER getting stoned on coffee: A. DOPER takes out a spoonful of coffee from a Nescafe jar. Lays out on the table, uses a blade to make three parallel lines of coffee, and “snorts” it. B. DOPER takes some coffee in a tablespoon. Puts some water also on it. Mixes slightly. Takes a lighter and puts it under the spoon. As soon as the mixture starts bubbling, drinks it up. C. STRAIGHT GUY, visibly sober, dips a SYRINGE into a cup containing espresso. Fills the syringe up, tightens the TOURNIQUET just over a stoned DOPER’s left elbow and drives the SYRINGE into DOPER’s arm. D. DOPER drops some coffee onto a strip of ROLLING PAPER, and rolls it up to make a “joint”. Starts smoking it. STRAIGHT GUY is lying on the floor. DOPER drops by next to him, so that their heads are together, while their bodies point in opposite directions (like the pose from the poster of An Education). DOPER is still smoking his “joint” and looks very, very stoned. STRAIGHT GUY is sober.
(CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED:

DOPER (in child-like wonder) Pretty colors! STRAIGHT GUY gives a confused look, looks around a little. STRAIGHT GUY Colors? What colors? DOPER (same childish wonder) Brown... CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY (childish wonder) Brown... We cut in the middle of the dialogue, so that only “BRA” is heard. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY is ogling at GIRL. Pretty looking, must be around 25, though it’s hard to tell. GIRL has her back, and a bit of side profile towards BOY. BOY is just staring at her, mouth hanging slightly open. BOY (V.O.) Uhm...uhm...uhm... GIRL flicks her hair back. Presently, she starts suspecting that BOY might be looking at her. This is evidenced by how she tries looking over her shoulder at BOY, without making it too obvious. CUT TO:

10.

INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY (frenetic) Red alert! Red alert! Eye contact has been made! Hide! CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY closes his mouth and looks away. His gaze lands right on FLIRT, who’s looking menacingly right at him. CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY (pointing off camera) Boy, duck! CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY hides his face, and pretends to be writing. CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY squeezes a yellow colored RUBBER DUCK, and it lets out a flatulent noise. BOY starts sniffing, and a look of disgust comes onto his face. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY is sniffing around, looking for the source of the odor, a look of disgust on his face. Presently, he sees a guy, 20 years, with thick, curly hair, a shabby goatee, thick black framed SPECS, dressed in JEANS, FABINDIA KURTA and KOLHAPURIS. This is FEET.
(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED:

He’s crossed his legs, so that his right foot is resting on his left knee, and is almost at the level of the table. The Kolhapuri is off the right foot, and FEET is scratching the sole of his foot with his right hand. BOY just looks on in a combination of wonder and disgust. BOY (V.O.) The human foot. Normally located in the bottom half of the human body. Trudging through 250,000 miles of dust, grime and shit in its life. The human foot of an Indian human. Trudges through more shit than any other foot. Now scientifically proven. Sweats a pint of sweat each day. FEET stops scratching, whips the icing off the PASTRY, kept in front of him, with his right index finger, and licks it off. BOY (V.O.) (CONT’D) And you want to scratch it, and then eat food with those very same hands. Are you sure you want to do that? CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE COMPLEX - AFTERNOON FEET is standing, framed against an office complex. He’s dressed in a smart SUIT. His feet aren’t shown right now. His manner and intonation suggest that he’s addressing a rally or press conference. FEET Numerous allegations are being put on my feet. My feet are being called vile names. I will not stand for this. I believe in feet! And he gives the victory sign, just as a great crowd roar is heard, and around 5 PHOTOGRAPHERS pop out from nowhere and click his picture. We reveal FEET’s feet-he’s bare foot. CROSS FADE: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY is taking off his SNEAKERS and socks.
(CONTINUED)

12. CONTINUED:

BOY I believe in feet. And toes. Specially toes. They’re so cute, aren’t they? We see BOY’s big toe with a smiley face drawn on it. CUT TO: INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS BOY is wiggling his fingers, smiling. We see that there’s a smiley drawn on his thumb. He’s still lost in thought when WAITER#1 comes in and places an ESPRESSO shot in front of him. BOY (V.O.) Oh hello, beautiful. You must be my coffee, and you are beautiful. BOY looks around, as though searching for the source of the voice. Shut up! Oh sorry. Oh sorry. BOY (CONT’D) BOY (V.O.) (CONT’D) WAITER#1

BOY gives him a quizzical look. WAITER#1 slinks away. BOY takes a sip. CUT TO: INT. BOY’S HEAD BOY is counting on his fingers. BOY Feet, Flirt, Guitarist, Girl, Waiter#1, Waiter#2, Boy, Doper, Straight Guy. Hmm. #1: Characters...? #1: Characters! IdCUT TO:

13.

INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS -yeah! BOY

BOY, now a man with a fresh burst of energy, starts scribbling on his NOTEPAD. Under “1. CHARACTERS”, he’s writing “Feet, Flirt, Guitarist, Girl”. His cup of espresso just stands there, half finished, now forgotten. FADE TO BLACK. [TITLE] [CREDITS] [FIN]

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