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a Greek tragedy (a tragicomedy, really) by Jon Lott

Mr. President 1
A Note About This Play:
Mr. President is a political tragicomedy that spun out of a
tweet I composed, where I promised to speed-write an ancient
Greek tragedy about Trump if the tweet got just 50 likes. It
did, and I rushed this play out within 48 hours.
It is modeled on ancient Greek drama, where there is a
chorus, ideally filled with 12 people, that chant their lines in
unison most of the time, and provide various dramatic functions
on the side. In this play, they express Donald’s memory,
several groups of protestors, reporters, and American citizens.
The chorus is an unfamiliar for modern theater audiences.
In classic Greek tragedy, an illustrious figure is brought
down by a tragic flaw. Here, the flaws are numerous, and you
can speculate which is worst, but there is no denying that his
behavior with Russia is really what leads to his impeachment.
Since all Greek dramas are supposed to be able to be
performed by just 3 actors (wearing different masks) and a
chorus, I limited the characters in every scene to a select few.
The small cast also better facilitates your own performances of
Mr. President. For the same reason, the set is quite spare, and
requires no change throughout, except for the lighting.
A real tragedy should not make you happy at the end.
Although I see Donald’s character as inherently funny in this
(because of the dialogue, and the sheer bewildering
outlandishness of the scenarios), the believable ending grounds
the conclusion and should force the audience to take the play
more seriously. Obviously Donald isn’t going to a mental asylum
or dying, and the cabinet won’t see serious jail time. The
somewhat emotionless delivery of the final chorus reduce the
audience’s relief to a footnote in Republican history.
If you’ve enjoyed this play, I have written more, and
created other things, too. It’s all on my website.
~Jon Lott

Mr. President 2

DONALD – The 45th President

REINCE – The Chief of Staff to the President

MIKE – The Vice President

BANNON – Special Advisor to the President

IVANKA – Daughter of the President

PAUL – Speaker of the House

JOHN – The Chief of Staff after Reince gets fired

SERGEY – A Russian Ambassador and spy

SEAN – The Press Secretary


Washington, D.C. The Oval Office, 2017.

Mr. President 3
Scene One: The Oval Office. The stage is dark, and only the

CHORUS is on stage, wearing red caps and white masks, raising

their fists again and again in triumph.

CHORUS: Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!

Lock her up! Lock her up! It’s a beautiful victory, Mr. Trump!

Today is a tremendous triumph for you. Your father would be so

proud of you, Donald! Wow, I mean what an amazing victory!

[DONALD and REINCE and PAUL walk on stage as the lights

illuminate the office.]

DONALD: I remember election day so clearly. What a day, believe

me. What a ceremony. Here you are. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?

I mean - you know this is terrific. Such a...incredible place.

You ever been here, Reince?

REINCE: No, Mr. President. This is my first time in the oval.

PAUL: Congratulations, Mr. President. We didn’t think it would

be possible, but you’re finally here. Now I’ve been speaking

with some Congressional leaders, and I-

DONALD: You ever been here before, Paul? Did Barack ever bring

you here?

Mr. President 4
PAUL: Yes, Mr. President. A number of times, actually.

DONALD: But you were never President.

PAUL: No. Not yet anyway.

DONALD: That’s right. (laughs) You lost.

PAUL: Yes I did. Mr. President, we have a number of executive-

DONALD: Hold on, okay? Reince, what am I going to sign today?

REINCE: Well, Mr. President, you have an executive order on

freezing new regulations, and a bill waiting to be signed to

allow James Mattis to become the Secretary of Defense, and

another one for John Kelly.

DONALD: Oh, James Mattis. What a great guy. Do we love him or

what? (REINCE and PAUL laugh nervously.) What else do we have,


REINCE: There’s a very important document scaling back the

Affordable Care Act and-

Mr. President 5
DONALD: Obamacare.

REINCE: Yes, Obamacare.

DONALD: I...I’d want to sign that one first.

PAUL: Mr. President, we’ve worked out an order for you for the

bills to be-

DONALD: Who are you to be working out orders for me?

PAUL: Your Chief of Staff can-

DONALD: I’m the Chief in here. Commander in Chief, okay?

REINCE: All these bills will be signed and enacted into law

within a few hours. It’s not a big deal, we can reorder them,

but there is an order that we’ve planned them.

DONALD: I want to make an announcement, make a great


PAUL: You just made a speech not less than two hours ago.

REINCE: What kind of announcement? An executive order?

Mr. President 6
DONALD: I want to proclaim today as a new American holiday, to

celebrate my...tremendous...acceptance of becoming-being the


REINCE: We can do that. What do you want it to be called?

America First Day?

DONALD: That’s not bad. I was thinking Trump Day. Triumph Day?

PAUL: You can’t name a holiday after yourself, sir.

DONALD: Yes I can. I’m the President.

REINCE: (laughs) You can but you really shouldn’t, Mr.

President. Can you imagine if Obama had given himself a holiday

on his first day in office?

DONALD: I won bigger than Obama did. Did you see the crowd

sizes out there or what?

PAUL: Well...President Obama had more electoral votes than you

did, so-

Mr. President 7
DONALD: No he didn’t. I had more of America, I had more land.

I mean, have you, have you seen the maps? There’s so much more

red than blue, you know. But I wasn’t serious about Trump Day

anyway. Well, actually I am serious, but let’s find a better

name for it.

PAUL: Is this a national federal holiday or something

meaningless like Mother’s Day?

DONALD: Well it’s not a day off if that’s what you mean. It’s


REINCE: -a commemoration of the historic achievement

inauguration of the greatest all-American President?

DONALD: Exactly. What about: Patriot’s Day?

REINCE: We already have a Patriot’s Day.

DONALD: Do we? What about Pride Day? No, haha, how about

Patriotic Pride Day?

PAUL: Patriotism Day?

DONALD: How about First America Day?

Mr. President 8
PAUL: Great New American Dawn Day?

REINCE: Devotion Day? Is that something already?

DONALD: National Day of Patriotic Devotion.

REINCE: We can get Steve Miller on it, and you’ll have something

to sign soon.

DONALD: Is the executive order on Obamacare-is that ready yet?

PAUL: Yes, Mr. President. You’ll be signing it today, in fact.

DONALD: I wish I could watch that man’s face when I sign this.

Such a weak man. What a weak man. When can we get it repealed

by? Fully repealed, fully gone, fully out-

PAUL: I’d say a month or two. But it might hurt your political


DONALD: Capital? I’ve got plenty of capital, believe me. I’ve

got so much capital I don’t have enough time to spend it. Get

out of here and do it faster.

Mr. President 9
PAUL: Yes, Mr. President. (PAUL exits)

REINCE: Anything else, Mr. Trump?

DONALD: What’s going on with, you know, the protestors tomorrow?

REINCE: Well, they’ll be in a number of cities across the

country, maybe a million...or two...a few in other countries...

(SEAN enters, holding a phone)

SEAN: Mr. President, the President of Brazil wishes to send his

congratulations. He’s on the phone now.

DONALD: Bring it over here, then. What’s his name?

REINCE: Michel (Mee-shell) Temer.

DONALD: Okay, okay. Hello, Michael (not pronounced Michel).

Did you see the crowd? What an, what an incredible ceremony. So

many-such a performance…

Mr. President 10
(the CHORUS replaces their red caps with pink pussy hats)

CHORUS: Not my President! Not my President! This President is a

fraud! This President is a fascist! This President cheated

with Russia! Trump is a con artist! Trump is a misogynist!

Trump is a racist! Homophobe! Xenophobe! Islamophobe!

(the CHORUS begins to hiss, loudly at first, but it slowly

quiets down as they each raise a fist and hold it up in protest.


CHORUS (continued): That was the day when we knew we were

winning. The pressure got to him, and he started his Presidency

on a lie about crowd sizes. The Women’s March the next day

brought over 4 million people out to protest and set the record

for the largest one-day protest in world history.

Then there was the immigration ban. The Muslim ban, struck down

in court by the judges before the ink was dry. More people

assembled at the airports to protest. No need to fear,

immigrants are welcome here! No need to fear, immigrants are

welcome here! (lights dim)

Mr. President 11
Scene Two: The Oval Office. Lights fade on. DONALD is walking

around with IVANKA, admiring the furnishings and opulence.

IVANKA: Well, Daddy, I think it could be a little bigger. Make

the whole Oval bigger.

DONALD: Roomier or bigger?

IVANKA: I mean if there were more square feet in the Oval. If

we could just push out on the walls and make the whole room

bigger. Of course that’s not possible, so we’ll have to make do

with what we’ve got. Maybe replace a couple of these chairs...

DONALD: You’re right. I said to Melania: my penthouse in

Manhattan is better than this, actually. But wow, what a place.

Do you want to see Daddy’s pen that he used to do the XL oil


IVANKA: (faking enthusiasm) Yes! (DONALD tosses her a pen from

the desk drawer. It’s a bad toss, and IVANKA doesn’t catch it.

She picks it up from the floor and examines it.)

DONALD: You can have it if you want.

Mr. President 12
IVANKA: Really?

DONALD: Sure. This family is, is like a part of history now.

Many people-so many people have been telling me this. Me, you,

Eric, Donald Jr....Barron, Melania...Tiffany, and all the kids.

IVANKA: (solemnly) For 8 years.

DONALD: (blandly) For 8 years. I’m having dinner with Comey

tonight. Can you believe it? The guy owes me bigly, that I can

tell you.

IVANKA: Where are you eating?

DONALD: Some place, I can’t remember, but it’s supposed to be

the best. I don’t have to pay for anything anymore!

IVANKA: What are you going to talk to him about?

DONALD: This Russia stuff. It’s crazy, believe me. So what, I

can’t believe the lying liberal media. They’re so unfair to me,

so unfair. I can’t trust them at all.

IVANKA: We never could.

Mr. President 13
DONALD: That’s right, that’s exactly right. You know what,

that’s exactly right. Steve said that to me the other day.

IVANKA: Steve Miller?

DONALD: Bannon. He said those button pushers should all be

hanged. And I agree. But he didn’t say it quite like that, you

know. But he did say, call them button pushers and use the word

hanged. Maybe it was hung.

IVANKA: And Flynn?

DONALD: It’s all crazy. I mean, a guy like him. I know the

guy. Okay he went somewhere, so what? He’s working for me and

he’s working for me. He’s a great guy.

IVANKA: Daddy, it’s going to be hard to move past this


DONALD: Delicate? What delicate? Who’s delicate? Mike Flynn’s

not gonna be a problem. I have a, I’m gonna talk with you-know-

who about this tomorrow and-and everything’s gonna be great, I

promise. I have a very big, important meeting about this


Mr. President 14
IVANKA: Can I come? Please, Daddy?

DONALD: You know, you know I’d love it if you came, but not this

time. Hey, you know what?


DONALD: No, never mind.

IVANKA: No, tell me!

DONALD: Okay. We’ve-, I’ve decided who we’re going to name to

the Supreme Court. You wanna hear?

IVANKA: Will I know this person? (jokingly) It’s not Judge

Judy, is it?

DONALD: (laughs). No it’s not Judge Judy...but the ratings

would be through the roof if it were. Neil. Gorsuch.

IVANKA: I don’t know who that is.

DONALD: I heard his name a lot during the campaign, a lot, when

we were talking about this and Obama trying to get the other

guy... Steve Bannon says he’s incredible, just great, loyal, and

Mr. President 15
Mike really likes him too. Everyone’s gonna like my choice,

that I can tell you. And he’s on our side.

IVANKA: Any word on Secretary of State yet? Is it who I think

it is?

DONALD: We’re still talking about it. Maybe it is, maybe he’s

not. I can’t, I don’t want to say now yet.

IVANKA: Can I say who I think it is?

DONALD: If you want.

IVANKA: I’ve told you before about him, but I’ll say it again:

Jeff Sessions.

DONALD: Great guy...but no. I have something else for him.

He’s been very good to me, you know, and he wanted something

else, believe me. He wanted something else.

CHORUS: What did he want? Attorney General. The power to

enforce any law he wanted...and he got it. Racist! White

supremacist! Hippie hater! Bigot! Bigot! Bigot! Russian Pawn!

No more walls! No more walls!

Mr. President 16
DONALD: I can’t even think straight with all the media coming

after me all the time! So slanted, so crooked!

CHORUS: The White House banned the New York Times, CNN,

Politico, and other outlets, and Breitbart was given special

access. He called the media the enemy.

Mr. President, why did Michael Flynn talk to the Russian

ambassador? Mr. President, what communication have you had with

the Russian government? Mr. President, why did the Attorney

General meet with Russian ambassadors? Mr. President, how much

did you know about Paul Manafort lobbying for the Russians? Mr.

President, are you going to pardon Michael Flynn? Mr.

President, Mr. President, Mr. President...

(lights dim, then fade back on)

Mr. President 17
Scene Three: The Oval Office. REINCE and BANNON are sitting

across from each other, while DONALD is pacing.

DONALD: Remember the Louisville rally?

REINCE: I wasn’t there.

(the CHORUS replaces their pink hats with red caps)

BANNON: It was quite a spectacle. Thousands of people, from all

around, chanting. It was so powerful, Mr. President, so strong.

DONALD: What was it they were chanting this time? Drain the


CHORUS: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

REINCE: Lock her up?

CHORUS: Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her up!

BANNON: No, I distinctly remember it was build the wall.

CHORUS: Build the wall! Build the wall! Build the wall!

Mr. President 18
DONALD: Oh, that’s right, it was Build the Wall, wasn’t it?

That’s terrific, that’s tremendous. And I said “who’s gonna pay

for the wall?”

CHORUS: Mexico! Mexico! Mexico!

DONALD: How many people do you think were there, Steve?

BANNON: (lying out of his ass, making up a figure on the spot)

Oh, I’d say around sixty, seventy million, excuse me, sixty or

seventy thousand.

DONALD: (equally lying out of his ass) That’s it? I’d think

maybe a hundred thousand. Maybe even more, you know there’s

always a line outside of people—and agitators—waiting to get in.

Paid agitators. Why can’t we rough ‘em up like in the good old

days? When I was young, the protestors got put down for

standing up.

REINCE: It’s bad publicity, Mr. President. Physical violence

against liberals or against protestors is distasteful.

BANNON: (guffaws, choking a little on his own throat) You don’t

need to break their bodies, Donald. You’re succeeding in

breaking their spirit. And when you win big like you’re going

Mr. President 19
to in 2018, and then win reelection in 2020, you’ll have remade

the world and they won’t matter anymore. Heck, they don’t

matter now.

DONALD: That’s why I’ve kept you around, Steve, you know that.

I-believe me, you’re exactly right. They’re already breaking

and infighting each other. Crazy Bernie did some good after


BANNON: Hillary Clinton was enough to fracture the party on her

own. I said from the very beginning that you would win this.

The Democrats are finally reaping the division that they’ve


REINCE: What do you want to do about Roger Stone?

DONALD: What about him? What is CNN saying about him now?

BANNON: What Reince means is that Roger may have but probably

didn’t make direct contact with a hacker known as Guccifer 2.0,

who might be an individual involved in Crooked Hillary’s email


Mr. President 20
DONALD: So what? Why is that a problem? I didn’t tell him to,

and he didn’t. What Guccifer anyway? I don’t know a Guccifer,

never heard of him before. What Guccifer?

BANNON: It’s not a problem, Mr. President. Roger is ancillary

at best.

DONALD: I like him. He’s out there though.

REINCE: Roger is good but he brings baggage with him. And let’s

face it, you won, so you don’t really need him for another 2

years. He doesn’t want to be tied up in all this anyway.

BANNON: He won’t serve any jail time, because nothing happened.

DONALD: And because we’ll see that he doesn’t.

REINCE: You don’t need to involve yourself in that


BANNON: I agree with Reince for once.

DONALD: You know that one very important thing with me is

loyalty, that I can tell you. Loyalty. L-O-Y-and the rest.

He’s a great guy, and that’s it.

Mr. President 21
REINCE: Okay. And how are we trying to spin the latest Kushner-

Russia connection.

DONALD: It’s all fake!

REINCE: It’s not fake this time, Mr. President. Your son-in-law

didn’t disclose meetings with the same Russian ambassador that

Flynn met with, Sergey Kisylak, and that’s only part of it.

DONALD: Listen, Jared can handle this. That boy’s smart,

believe me. (takes out phone)

REINCE: Mr. Trump, if you’re on Twitter now, you should put your

phone away.

BANNON: Don’t give orders to the President. His instincts won

him the election.

DONALD: Morning Joe said people are considering impeaching me.

What a jerk, what a joke... They don’t have the numbers.

REINCE: Impeachment, a successful impeachment, will never


Mr. President 22
BANNON: You didn’t do anything wrong, Donald.

DONALD: I didn’t do anything wrong. Can a President pardon


REINCE: No, sir.

BANNON: It’s unlikely with this Supreme Court to get away with

it. It would be suicide, politically speaking. And also, it

would mean admitting to guilt in the first place, which you

should never do, because you’re a fighter.

DONALD: Remember that big bomb we dropped on that terrorist

airport in Afghanistan? The MOAB they called it, you know?

REINCE: Of course, Mr. President. That was less than two weeks


DONALD: Everybody loved that. The media even reported it

fairly, for once. You think we can drop another one over there?

REINCE: That’s something to talk to the generals about.

DONALD: I’m the Commander in Chief, believe me.

Mr. President 23
BANNON: Dropping bombs in the Middle East is a dead end. Listen

to me: we don’t want to be involved with those people, one way

or another. Let their civilization collapse and try to rebuild

on its own. They shouldn’t even think about us.

DONALD: So we shouldn’t even think about them.

CHORUS: (wearing pink hats) A March for Science is a March for

Mother Earth! Climate Change is not a hoax! Science should not

be partisan! North Korea has missiles! No more private

backchannels! Let Sally Yates testify! Charge Mike Flynn with

corruption! Impeach! Impeach! Impeach!

(the CHORUS replaces their pink hats with red caps)

Fake news! Fake news! Liberal media, fake news! Seth Rich!

Wikileaks! Seth Rich! Wikileaks! What about the emails?

Private server! Lock her up! Build the wall! Drain the Swamp!

Cut my taxes!

(half of the CHORUS replaces their red caps with pink hats, and

they begin arguing among themselves, each one shouting a

different buzzword)

Mr. President 24
CHORUS (cont.): Homophobe! Snowflake! Bigot! Millennial brat!

Racist! Baby! Classist! Socialist! Fascist! Communist!

Nazi! Agitator! (their words stumble into each other and

become incoherent insults)

Mr. President 25
Scene Four: The Oval Office. DONALD enters with SERGEY, the

Russian ambassador, the day after Donald fired James Comey.

DONALD: Here we are, Sergey.

SERGEY: This is your Oval Office? It’s very nice.

DONALD: Thank you, Sergey, thank you. Everyone says it’s the

most beautiful office, fantastic.

SERGEY: Better than your Florida property?

DONALD: This is a tremendous-incredible place, but I

think Mar-A-Lago is a little better. I like Florida, I like the

warmth, an I like the people there. I have the best people at

Mar-A-Lago, the best, that I can tell you.

(SERGEY and DONALD both laugh)

SERGEY: It is good to get away from the politics of Washington


DONALD: Yeah, yeah-

Mr. President 26
SERGEY: And the prying media and the protestors and the special


DONALD: You’re right. I was just telling Ivanka this yesterday,

right after I fired James Comey, that loser. I said to her:

this place is so busy, why don’t we all go down to Florida? But

we didn’t-I said to her: you could practice your golf swing, but

she...anyway, great to see you, Sergey. Rex is on his way over


SERGEY: Your Secretary of State is coming now?

DONALD: Yes, Rex Tillerson is coming. I love that name: Rex.

You know what it means, I’ll tell you what it means. It’s

Latin, Steve told me. Oh, I love that. It’s Latin for “King.”

SERGEY: But you don’t have kings in America.

DONALD: No, no we don’t. We’ve got some people that think

they’re kings, like my predecessor. I hate that guy.

SERGEY: I know, Mr. President. We...we all know, and we’re very

glad that you won your election.

Mr. President 27
DONALD: It wasn’t even that difficult to tell you the truth. I

mean Crooked Hillary was the worst. She was a real bitch. She

was the worst candidate, so crooked, so not good. It was so

easy. I won almost everywhere-I practically won the whole

country. Who knew it would be so easy?

SERGEY: You had a lot of help, Mr. President, and a lot of

friends supporting you.

DONALD: I know, I know. And I thanked them very much. But I

could’ve won without many of them, believe me. And, let me tell

you a little something, okay? And by the way, there’s no audio

recording in the Oval Office. Let me tell you something. When

I win again in 2020, and I will win, it’s gonna be an even

bigger landslide. It’s not even gonna be a contest, okay? Who

are they gonna run? Crazy Bernie again? Biden? Pocahontas?

They’re all-they’re all such incredible losers.

(REX enters)

REX: Hello Mr. President, good afternoon ambassador.

SERGEY: Good afternoon, Mr. Tillerson.

Mr. President 28
DONALD: Okay, let’s get to business. We spend so much time on

formalities around here. I say-I’ve always said enough being

politically correct, okay?

REX: Ambassador, the Russian government has been involved in the

civil war in Syria for almost 2 years now, and we know you’re

not about to pull your forces out immediately.

DONALD: And to tell you the truth, we don’t even want you to.

We don’t even care.

REX: Yes, and...and we want you to know that we’re going to

continue to monitor the situation on the ground, especially as

it relates to our allies across the region.

SERGEY: You are talking about Israel?

REX: Well not just Israel, ambassador.

DONALD: But you know Israel’s important to us.

SERGEY: Of course, Mr. President.

REX: I mean Turkey, too, and what Putin, what your government’s

been doing to antagonize them, and I don’t think I need to spell

Mr. President 29
it out here and now, what Putin’s been doing over there is not

something that’s in our strategic interest.

SERGEY: (chortles) We can have different...ah, geopolitical

interests in the region, that is no big deal. And if Russia

wants to operate in the area-for the defense of the people-that

is something we are going to move forward with. And I don’t

think I need to spell it out for you now and here, but we’re not

going to let America interfere or negatively impact our

interests in the region. But we will cooperate on ISIS.

DONALD: ISIS is a mess. ISIS is a waste. We’ve got great tough

people fighting ISIS and working on it, that I can tell you.

Can you believe we actually have someone inside of ISIS?

REX: Mr. President, I-

DONALD: Okay, he’s not one of ours, but he’s working against


SERGEY: Really?

DONALD: To tell you the truth, let me tell you, he’s an Israeli.

SERGEY: (laughs) A Jew inside ISIS?

Mr. President 30
DONALD: That’s what I said. (laughs) I said what is he doing,

running the books for ISIS? But this guy, this guy’s feeding us

information from inside Syrian ISIS in Syria. He’s tremendously


REX: Donald-

DONALD: We used to think vests and airplanes. Think 9/11, and

now it’s train bombs and runaway trucks. But now with all the

cyber stuff, cyber this, cyber that, everything is beeping and

everyone’s connected...they’re using computers now.

SERGEY: Was ISIS not using computers before?

DONALD: Are you kidding? Is he kidding, or what, Rex? They’re

using bombs in computers now. The batteries go boom. The

batteries inside them go boom. I don’t know how exactly but

they go boom just like that. Sneaking them into airplanes to

blow ‘em up. It’s crazy, just crazy, I tell you. Tell your

people, tell them because we don’t want to see any Russian

planes go boom over there, do we?

SERGEY: Of course not, Mr. President. Thank you for the

warning; I appreciate that very much.

Mr. President 31
DONALD: You know who I’m having dinner with tonight?

REX: I can’t say that I do.


DONALD. Henry. Kissinger. I mean, isn’t that incredible. I’m

gonna talk to him all about this. So what if he endorsed

Crooked Hillary in the campaign. I mean, I’m beyond that. I

won, didn’t I? I don’t need his endorsement. Everyone says

he’s fantastic, he’s the best, and I have to talk to him. So

I’ll check it out, maybe I’ll order him an omelette or

something. I don’t think he can chew steak.

REX: Mr. President, can we get back to talking about Syria?

DONALD: Right. Anyway, there’s no problem with Russia doing

what it wants in Syria. Assad’s not a good guy, and I wouldn’t

mind if something happened to him, but you do what you’re gonna


SERGEY: And what about the sanctions on Russia, Mr. Trump?

REX: The sanctions will remain in place, ambassador.

Mr. President 32
DONALD: For now, for now. Maybe we can talk about lifting them

sometime in the future.

SERGEY: Very well, Mr. President. I know you have a busy day

ahead of you, with the new FBI Director and Kissinger and your

many admirers.

DONALD: Always a pleasure, Sergey. Rex, will you see him out?

And send in Sean Spicer if he’s hiding out there somewhere. I

need to get the narrative fixed since the media fixed it on

their own. Get to it! I’m a busy man, okay?

(DONALD takes out his phone as REX and SERGEY exit. Dim lights.)

CHORUS (wearing pink hats): There are no kings in America.

Just pretenders. Wannabes and phonies, con artists and frauds.

Don the Con, liar in chief, is there no boundary you will not

cross? Is nothing sacred, and nothing secret from your Russian

allies? Fraud! Liar! Criminal!

Now who will defend you? Who will you eliminate next?

Robert Mueller has been appointed as special counsel, and he

will get to the bottom of it, and expose your Presidency for

what it is: the bastard child of the KGB.

Mr. President 33
The Vice President knows, and the Senate knows. What do

you know, Mr. President?

(lights fade on)

Mr. President 34
Scene Five: The Oval Office. DONALD, MIKE, and REINCE are


DONALD: I’ve been meaning to show this to you for a long time,


MIKE: Oh yeah? What is it?

DONALD: (goes into his desk and pulls out a strand of hair) It’s

from the Pope. Pope Francis.

REINCE: I don’t see anything. What do you mean?

MIKE: I think it’s a hair.

DONALD: Someone took it off the Pope!

MIKE: You plucked the Pope’s hair?

DONALD: Nah, it was on the back of his shawl, his robe, whatever

you call that thing. And I didn’t take it, someone else did, I

forget who. It just fell off his head. Go ahead, touch it.

MIKE: I don’t want to, Mr. President. You know I’m not

Catholic, right?

Mr. President 35
REINCE: I don’t want to touch it either, Mr. President, but it

is interesting.

DONALD: What difference does it make? He’s the Pope, okay?

Believe me, this could be worth something to the right people.

My hair will be worth something someday, if it ever fell off my

head, which it doesn’t. I’ve always had very strong hair, that

I can tell you. Very strong, like rope. My father told me I

had hair like steel.

MIKE: Is that why you brought me in here, Donald?

DONALD: No. I thought we could strategize about the Obamacare

repeal. Paul Ryan told me that he’d have it done by now. And

it’s what, like June, and still we don’t have anything. It’s

very...not good.

REINCE: We have a bill now, but the leadership’s not ready to

vote on it yet.

DONALD: What’s taking them so long? I pulled out of the Paris

deal in one day, okay? It was nothing. They haven’t voted on

anything in what, like 6 months? That’s like a thousand Paris


Mr. President 36
MIKE: The House has its way of doing things, just as we have


DONALD: They should take my method, it’s better and faster and

stronger. I wouldn’t even mind; I’d be happy they’re doing


MIKE: Your political capital is...this is not the right time to

be chasing anything big, since Robert Mueller is looking

especially close at us now.

DONALD: That’s why winning bigly is so important now, okay!? I

used to have a good friend. He was my lawyer, actually, in

Manhattan, Roy Cohn. He was a fighter. That guy was a fighter,

believe me. When they hit you, he said, you gotta hit them back

so hard they can never get back up. You gotta hit them, he

said, so strong and so fast that other people who want to hit

you back off. Believe me, that was genius. There are not a lot

of people out there with as good a brain as me, but he was up

there. It was incredible how he operated. So tough, so tough,

and we gotta be so tough now, because everyone in the fake news

wants a piece of us.

REINCE: What did you have in mind, Mr. President?

Mr. President 37
DONALD: Can’t we do something about North Korea?

MIKE: We’re monitoring the situation closely, but it would be a

mistake to provoke them at this time.

DONALD: So we wait until they get nuclear missiles and hit us

first? We should punch them so hard and so strong that-and so

fast-that they don’t even know what happened.

MIKE: That’s really a conversation for the generals and the

National Security Council.

DONALD: We’ve been having conversations for months. I want

action. Obama didn’t do anything about Kim Jong over there, so

I have to be the one to do it. He was a tremendous failure, a

tremendous failure.

MIKE: Yes he was, Donald, but it’s time to focus on the future,

not the past. North Korea may resolve itself peacefully, or it

might keep going as it has for another fifty years. If you

really want the adulation of the world, maybe we should look

closer at brokering a peace in Israel.

Mr. President 38
REINCE: You could win the Nobel Peace Prize if you accomplished

a lasting peace.

DONALD: Obama, I can’t stand that guy, he won a Nobel Peace

thing just for being black, okay? Okay? And I have to make

peace in the Middle East to win one? So unfair, so crooked.

MIKE: Peace Prize or not, building a lasting peace for the area

is essential for our allies in the area. Peace must come before

stable democracies.

DONALD: Peace is so hard. Why can’t we have wars again?

REINCE: Is that a serious question?

MIKE: Don’t be silly, Reince. He didn’t mean it like that.

DONALD: Yes I did. America was built on wars. Remember the

Revolution? World War II? Great wars breed strong men, that I

can tell you. General George Patton brought peace through war.

Even 9/11, after Muslims were celebrating everywhere,

everywhere, we came together as a nation, as one people.

REINCE: And the Civil War?

Mr. President 39
DONALD: Well that shouldn’t’ve ever happened. But we did come

together afterwards. We came together like never before, and we

were stronger for it.

MIKE: It’s not the right time to start a conflict, Mr.

President. Maybe in 2018 or 2019, after we’ve repealed the

Affordable Care Act and achieved tax reform-

DONALD: And built the wall.

MIKE: And built the wall, regardless of who pays for it.

DONALD: What pay? Who pays? Mexico’s gonna pay for it, that I

can tell you. And if they don’t, we’ll put it on credit.

Everything runs on credit now. I built so many buildings, so

many beautiful buildings in Manhattan with credit from the

banks. So many great banks, and America will repay them if

Mexico doesn’t first. But Mexico’s a tremendous problem, and

everybody is saying they’ll pay for it, and they’ll volunteer to

pay for it, believe me.

MIKE: What I’m getting at is that military intervention is not

in our favor at this point in time. We’ve reduced our

dependence on oil since then, and the deficit-

Mr. President 40
DONALD: I withdrew from Paris, okay? My Secretary of State

Affairs is an Exxon CEO. I thought we were renewing our

commitment to oil. Fossil fuels. Clean coal. Petrol stuff.

MIKE: (laughs grandfatherly) Yes we are, and we’re building

strong jobs because of it, but going into the Middle East is not

good, and you know that better than everyone else.

DONALD: That is true, Mike. Okay, I’m glad we got a lot

accomplished here today. I think I’ll head over to the course

while there’s still some light out. Reince, what time is my

golf appointment?

REINCE: We can get one at any time, Mr. President.

DONALD: Then let’s go, okay? We can strategize about Sally

Yates on the way over. You can tidy up in here, Mike. (DONALD

exits, followed by REINCE)

MIKE: Oh, how I’ve waited for this opportunity. (MIKE creeps up

to the chair behind the Presidential desk slowly) Thank you,

Lord. (MIKE sits in the chair, and the lights dim)

Mr. President 41
Scene Six: The Oval Office. DONALD, MIKE, and JOHN are standing

in the Office. DNOALD and MIKE are on their phones.

CHORUS: Collusion! Corruption! Criminality! Mueller is

tightening the noose, and Kushner is being strung up with the

President. It’s only a matter of time! It’s only a matter of


ONE OF THE CHORUS: (impersonating newscaster) The President has

decried violence “on many sides.”

ANOTHER ONE OF THE CHORUS: (impersonating newscaster) The

President has vowed to meet North Korea with “fire and fury.”

YET ANOTHER OF THE CHORUS: (impersonating newscaster) The FBI

has raided the house of former Trump campaign manager Paul


ONE LAST ONE FROM THE CHORUS: (impersonating newscaster) Special

counsel Robert Mueller set to interview former Chief of Staff

Reince Priebus.

CHORUS: Impeach! Impeach! Impeach! Trump has hit record

disapproval levels, and his plot to repeal Obamacare has failed.

Mr. President 42
It’s our turn to repeal and replace this President! Impeach!

Impeach! Impeach!

(lights dim on the CHORUS, and grow on DONALD, JOHN, and MIKE)

DONALD: Everyone is saying these hurricanes are going to do a

lot of damage. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to be near one

of those things. They’ll rip your house away from you. They

have nothing left after they come through.

JOHN: Have you reached a decision on hiring more FEMA workers,

Mr. President? I’ve spoken to them, and they need more.

DONALD: I have, and I think we’re gonna wait until we see the

hurricanes before we do anything like that.

MIKE: Harvey is supposed to be the worst hurricane since


DONALD: Katrina wasn’t that bad, really. Believe me, there have

been worse hurricanes, that I can tell you. Andrew was worse.

JOHN: There’s going to be extensive rebuilding after Harvey.

You understand this, right? Millions of people will be

affected; billions of dollars will need to be sent to Texas.

Mr. President 43
DONALD: Yes yeah of course. It’ll work itself out the way it

usually does and we’ll be fine.

JOHN: Mr. President, hurricanes don’t “work themselves out.”

People are going to require robust leadership after they hit.

And there will probably be more this year.

MIKE: And we’ll pull together as Americans to build a solution,

like we always do, General.

JOHN: (sighs) Mike, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Now

I don’t mean any offense by this, but I do have to know. Do you

believe manmade global warming truly doesn’t exist? I mean do

you truly deny the science of it? Do you understand it?

MIKE: John, I think you’re trying to box me or push me here or


JOHN: Be honest, Mike. Because millions of people are being

affected by these hurricanes, and lots of people are saying that

the hurricanes are stronger and fiercer because of the rising

ocean temperatures. There are no recordings of this

conversation, and I won’t say anything one way or another. Do

you or do you not accept the science of this?

Mr. President 44
MIKE: I will be honest, if you’ll let me speak, John. Rising

temperatures may cause worse hurricanes, but I refuse to believe

that me driving my car or leaving on my lights has anything to

do with that.

JOHN: Mr. President, can I have a word in private, without the

Vice President?

MIKE: That’s not necessary, General.

JOHN: I’d like a word with the President alone.

MIKE: Alright. Okay. I’ll see myself out. You know where I’ll

be when you need me. (MIKE exits)

JOHN: Mr. President, I’ve only been your Chief of Staff for a

week or so, but let me tell you, you’ve got some real

cornerstone issues in your cabinet. There are some things

seriously wrong with this administration.


JOHN: Let me speak first. This isn’t what you’ve done, you’re

fine, but you’re surrounding yourself with inadequate people.

Mr. President 45
They’re burying you and you don’t realize it. The leaks, the

secret meetings, the tweets.

DONALD: Tweets? What tweets?

JOHN: What happens to a leaking ship, Mr. President? It sinks.

DONALD: This is all fake news!

JOHN: Not all of it, sir. Yes, the media are out to paint you

as Hitler, and it’s disingenuous and hateful and wrong, but you

haven’t played nice with them or anybody, and you’ve alienated

members of your own party across the nation. And now with


DONALD: There’s nothing from Mueller!

JOHN: You can’t fire him, Mr. President. And you certainly

can’t kill him.

DONALD: Kill him? Me? Come on. I would never kill somebody,

believe me. That I can tell you.

JOHN: I felt like it ought to be said all the same. Now I don’t

really know if anything happened, and I don’t need to know, and

Mr. President 46
I don’t want to know. Impeachment isn’t a legal process, it’s a

political one, and if they have the votes, they can impeach you

for ordering your steak well done. If the Democrats had

majorities in the House and Senate, you’d be gone by now. Mike

Pence is a liability-

DONALD: Do you think I’m gonna get impeached?! It’s all

bluffing; I’m meeting with Chuck Schumer later this week, and

he’s assured me that no Democrats are seriously talking about


JOHN: Mr. President, sir, he’s lying to you. It might not seem

like it, but he is lying to you. That’s what politicians do,

that’s how they operate.

DONALD: Don’t tell me how they operate, Kelly! They’re weak,

just like everyone in this town. I never ran before, okay, and

I won bigger than anyone since Reagan! Did you see the map?

JOHN: For god’s sake, enough with the map! It’s almost been a

year since the election, and it’s still your biggest political

accomplishment. Yes it was great and unexpected and

revolutionary, but it’s done. It’s over. We have a lot of

challenges on the field now, North Korea, Hurricane Harvey,

Mr. President 47
healthcare, immigration, and operating around this damn


DONALD: They won’t get me because they don’t have anything!

What Manafort, I don’t know anything. The liberals are still

saying Russia hacked the election! What proof! No proof! No

proof! They’re still stuck up on James Comey. Jeff is taking

care of that. People are talking about Russian lobbyists but I

don’t know any lobbyists. What lobbyists? They’re only coming

after my family because I’m clean.

JOHN: Mr. President, what we do is called public service because

it is supposed to serve the public. In a good way, free from

avarice and ambition. Because there is something good in all of

us, in you and me, that wants to see the country grow bigger and

better and brighter. But the rest of the country isn’t seeing

it. Maybe it’s the fake news and Colbert and Olbermann and all

those other personalities getting in the way, but maybe your own

administration is getting in the way, too. It’s fine to have

your Vice President say one thing and say the opposite in

private, I get it, it’s politics.

I’m a military man, so when I tell you something, it’s the

truth, or what I’m led to believe, straight up, no secret

motives or anything. And let me tell you this: your Vice

President doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Mr. President 48
DONALD: Excuse me, General, I don’t care about Mike. Who is he?

I say Mike who? I want what’s best for America, okay? I get

criticized for whatever I do. It’s not my fault. It’s not my

fault. I’ve dealt with the dishonest media, the political

press, for every day for over a year now, longer than that,

really. Practically since I was younger. Those sleazebags,

those dirtbags are gonna lie no matter what. No matter what,

okay? Nobody buys that crap, and CNN is already tanking! They

were up here, and now where are they? They’re so far down, so

weak, so sad.

JOHN: Do you understand the situation you’re in, Don?

DONALD: What are you talking about? I’ll be fine. I’m making

America great again. So what if I spoke to a few people here

and there? Everybody does it, that I can tell you.

JOHN: Is this what expected when you first ran for President,

Mr. President?

DONALD: Umm...not really, no. Who knew it could be so

complicated? Did you hear what they said about me on FOX?

JOHN: I’ve probably heard something just like it.

Mr. President 49
DONALD: They said it was the greatest and biggest political

event in modern American history. Wow. What a day, what an

event. Just incredible. Landslide, really. Bigger than

Reagan’s first victory, people have said. Don’t we love our

people or what? What a victory...

CHORUS: (with red caps on) Lock her up! Lock her up! Lock her


Mr. President 50
Scene Seven: The Oval Office is in darkness.

(The lights dim, and go to black. They hold there for a moment,

and then the lights grow again. The CHORUS is wearing a mix of

pink and red hats.)

CHORUS: Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!

Lock him up!

(a confused, angry, almost penitent DONALD walks out towards the

audience, near the edge of the stage)

CHORUS: In the end it was obstruction of justice that brought

him down. That and a few counts of perjury once Mueller got him

in court. He couldn’t help himself. He just had to talk.

They dropped the charges against Mike Flynn and his son,

but Paul Manafort got two years in federal prison. Rex

Tillerson and Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon became disgraced


Kushner was sentenced to four months in the same prison his

father went to, but his sentence was appealed to four months

house arrest. The Trump children live as political exiles.

The Vice President, as part of a negotiation with Congress,

resigned a few days before the President stepped down. Mike

Pence was never formally charged with anything.

Mr. President 51
Donald Trump’s impeachment hearings were led by House

Speaker Paul Ryan, and lasted less than a week. Only 88

Congressmen and 7 senators voted against impeachment. Paul Ryan

voted to impeach Donald, and became the 46th President in

November, almost a year after the 2016 election.

As for Donald, the new President has not yet decided to

pardon him. He is suffering from low approval ratings, and is

said to be focused on tax reform and repealing the Affordable

Care Act.

(lights dim, then fade to black)

the end

Mr. President 52