Alice and the Bunny Hole

by
Alex DeFazio

© 2012 Alex DeFazio
alex@elixirproductions.org
CHARACTERS

ALICE Late 20s. Blonde; a mostly adult version
of Alice from the Lewis Carroll books.

BOBBY Late 20s, Alice's boyfriend.

JEROME Late 20s. A hipster.

KELLY Late 20s, Jerome's boyfriend.

BUNNY Anywhere from late 40s to early 60s; the
proprietress of The Bunny Hole.

THE PRINCE (OF HEARTS) 19/20ish; a go go boy and Bunny's
(informally adopted) kid.

MAN WITH THE TINY HAT Early 40s; a fool.

THE DJ Early/mid twenties; ideally an actual
DJ. Is written male but can be played
female.

THE SECURITY GUARD Played by the same actor as the Man with
the Tiny Hat.

SETTING

The Bunny Hole, a lounge by evening and a dance club by night;
Alice and Bobby's apartment; Bunny's apartment; a mailbox/shipping
store.

NOTE: Intermission can occur between Scenes 6 and 7.
SCENE 1

The Bunnyhole -- lounge by day, club by
night. Only a small section of the club
is visible: some tables with chairs, a
small stage, and a DJ booth upstage
left.

It’s early in the morning, after the
nightlife has cleared out. THE MAN WITH
THE TINY HAT sits at a table. He is in
his early 40s, slim and fit, striving
to look younger. Right now he’s a bit
of a mess -- eyeliner running, clothes
dishevelled, obviously very drunk. Next
to him is a SLEEPING MAN wearing
headphones. The Man with the Tiny Hat
downs a shot of something, pours
another.

Sounds of a BATTERING STORM can be
heard throughout. Occasionally the
lights flicker.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(calls)
Bunny? BUNNY?!
(no response)
I can’t feel my face.

The Sleeping Man grunts. The Man with
the Tiny Hat stares at him
contemptuously.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CONT’D)
Prithee, how sleep you so tirelessly? And in the middle of a
hurricane, too! You’d sleep through your own dreams if you
could. Miss out on everything! Natural disasters. Cocktails.
Love. To sleep through love as though it were some tedious
lecture. You, sir, disgust me. No, let me rephrase that: I
disgust me.
(addressing the Sleeping Man
throughout)
No use blaming you. It’s not your fault I disgust me. No,
you’re just... who are you? Are you the DJ? BUNNY, IS THIS
THE DJ? I blame you for one thing. It’s you who plays the
music he dances to -- he, the stars in my eyes, the serenade
in my silence. It’s you who calls him into being with your
ridiculous thumps. Thump, thump, thump -- that’s not music!
No wonder the boy can’t dance. Your thumps degrade him! Your
thumps expose him to the sweaty retinas and crotches of those
who would fain steal the stars right out of my eyeballs!

He pours another shot.
2.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CONT’D)
There I go again, blaming you. Tis the human condition,
blaming others for our failings. I adhere to that condition
just as faithfully as the rest of the world. Only when I’m
drunk to the point of full-facial numbness, only then can I
muster the dignity to confess my horror at the person I’ve
become.

He shoots, pours another.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CONT’D)
I am old. I am, in fact, older than I’ve ever been before,
which is far older than I ever thought I’d be. My brow is
seven fingers wide -- seven fingers now! I fart continuously.
Something has happened with my bowel movements so that foul
streaks remain in my toilet bowl even after I flush it. I am,
indeed, decomposing from the inside.

The Sleeping Man rustles, talking in
his sleep.

SLEEPING MAN
140 BPM. 160. Bonus beats. Thump, thump.

The Man with the Tiny Hat stares at him
contemptuously again.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
BUNNY?!

No response. The Man with the Tiny Hat
stares into his shot glass.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Why won’t he talk to me, Bunny? BUNNY?!

SLEEPING MAN
(having a nightmare)
Turn the beat around. No. Noooo! Turn the beat around before
it crashes!

The Man with the Tiny Hat observes him
for a moment. Then, with a hint of
compassion:

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I had nightmares, too, when I was your age. I still do. Even
clowns like us have nightmares.

He downs another shot. Outside, A SPASM
OF WIND AND THUNDER. The lights cut
out.
3.

SCENE 2

Same setting, around 8:00 PM. MUSIC.
TWO MEN sit at the table, both good-
looking and eager. ALICE and BOBBY,
both in their late 20s, conference a
few feet away from the table. Alice is
small and blonde. Bobby wears a suit.

BOBBY
They’re both guys!

ALICE
Shhh.

BOBBY
They know they’re both guys. It’s not like I’m speaking out
of turn here or saying something inappropriate.

ALICE
I don’t want them to think we’re being rude.

BOBBY
Are we trying to make a good impression?

ALICE
I’m sorry.

BOBBY
They’re guys!

ALICE
I must have entered the wrong search criteria.

BOBBY
You do this for a living!

ALICE
I do not search swingcity.com for a living.

BOBBY
(not unkindly)
You know what I mean.

ALICE
(glancing at the two men)
They seem nice, though, don’t they?

The men catch her looking. They wave.
She waves back.
4.

BOBBY
This is so... not what I expected. Am I the one who said we
should do this? If this was my idea, I want you to kick me in
the balls.

ALICE
We both wanted to do this.

BOBBY
I was drunk.

ALICE
We both were.

BOBBY
I’m the one who started it, wasn’t I? Or was it you? Jesus,
what were we drinking? I can’t remember a fucking thing.

ALICE
The point is, they showed up. We’re here, they’re here, and
this is the first time we’ve been out together since the
move.

BOBBY
We’ve gone out to dinner.

ALICE
This is the first time we’ve been out out.

BOBBY
Dinner’s not out out?

ALICE
I miss our friends, Bobby. I miss having other people to talk
to.

BOBBY
Them?

ALICE
We’ll tell them there was a misunderstanding.

BOBBY
There was a misunderstanding. A big misunderstanding.

ALICE
That’s exactly what we’ll tell them.

BOBBY
Then what?

ALICE
We’ll talk.
5.

BOBBY
Talk.

ALICE
You remember how to do that, don’t you? We do it together.
Tonight we can practice in pairs.

BOBBY
I don’t know.

ALICE
Don’t know what?

BOBBY
I’ll forget what I’m doing.

ALICE
It’s easy.

BOBBY
I’ll open my mouth to start a conversation and what if
nothing comes out? I’ll have to save face by pretending I’m
chewing imaginary food or saying “AHHHH” for the doctor.

ALICE
(smiles, peers over at the
table; sneaky)
There’s a bowl of nuts on the table.

BOBBY
(in a conspiratorial whisper)
Yeah?

ALICE
You can always grab a handful of those if your mouth’s
hanging open.

BOBBY
I shouldn’t have worn this.

ALICE
You look fine.

BOBBY
I look normal. So do you.

ALICE
And?

BOBBY
And we’re the only ones.

Alice chuckles. They look at each
other.
6.

For a moment they seem about to kiss,
but they leave this potential
unrealized, allowing it to grow
uncomfortable before finally brushing
it off.

ALICE (CONT’D)
(beat, a touch mournful)
Shall we?

Bobby looks at her seriously for a
beat, then opens his mouth wide.

BOBBY
AHHHHH.

She laughs, slaps him. They cross to
the table and sit across from the Two
Men, JEROME and KELLY. Jerome is the
unshaven, hipster type. Kelly is clean-
cut. They are about the same age as
Alice and Bobby.

JEROME
Everything okay?

ALICE
Absolutely.

JEROME
Decided not to run?

ALICE
What?

JEROME
Kelly and I were taking bets on how long before you bolted.

ALICE
Oh, no.

BOBBY
No.

ALICE
No, we were just... We were...

She looks to Bobby; he shrugs.

ALICE (CONT’D)
Look, I... I’m sure we aren’t what you expected, either.

JEROME
Not what we expected?
7.

ALICE
I mean, we’re...

JEROME
Perfect.

ALICE
Perfect?

JEROME
Look at you. You’re the all-American couple: cheerleader and
quarterback.

BOBBY
I played lacrosse in high school.

KELLY
I fucked a lacrosse player in high school.

ALICE
So you weren’t expecting two men?

JEROME
You’re Alice, right?

ALICE
Yes.

JEROME
I’ve never met a man named Alice.

ALICE
No, that’s true. I have met women named Kelly, though.

BOBBY
(uncomfortably to Kelly, who is
staring at him)
Hey man.

ALICE
We thought you were a straight couple.

JEROME
(amused)
What?

ALICE
We’re straight, obviously.

BOBBY
Very straight.

JEROME
Did we look like a straight couple in our picture?
8.

ALICE
Picture?

KELLY
(amused)
You didn’t look at our picture?

BOBBY
We were drunk.

ALICE
I’m sorry. I’m sure this could have been avoided if we’d seen
your faces.

JEROME
The picture wasn’t of our faces.

ALICE
Oh. Well, we were quite drunk, as Bobby said. My vision must
have been blurry.

KELLY
Very burry.

ALICE
But I did see your names. I assumed you were the husband and
Kelly was your wife.

JEROME
(to Kelly)
Twinkie Dee?

KELLY
Twinkie Dumb?

JEROME
They thought we were married.

KELLY
Well, we would be if we weren’t living in this fucked-up,
homophobic culture.

JEROME
So you’d be my wife?

KELLY
If that’s some kind of joke about bottoming, because if it
is, I’m going to fuck your brains out later.

JEROME
(to Alice and Bobby)
We don’t subscribe to archaic gender binaries.
9.

KELLY
He says he doesn’t, but it takes discipline to break bad
habits.

JEROME
That it does.

KELLY
And you like being disciplined, don’t you.

JEROME
Only if I get to turn the tables.

ALICE
(clears her throat)
Well, I hope we haven’t offended you.

BOBBY
Yeah, man, we didn’t mean to --

JEROME
Don’t apologize.

KELLY
Apologies are for conformists.

JEROME
(to Kelly)
That’s harsh, Twinkie Dee.

KELLY
I’m harsh, Twinkie Dumb.

JEROME
(to Alice and Bobby)
What he means is, we try to lead shame-free lives. We have a
philosophy that there’s too much shame in the world, so we
strive for a balance between not hurting people on the one
hand and not apologizing for ourselves on the other.

ALICE
That sounds like a good rule of thumb.

BOBBY
I’m sorry we apologized.

ALICE
Yes, we’re sorry.
(beat)
So how long have you two been together?

JEROME
Six years. And you two?
10.

ALICE
Oh. It’s been eight years, now? Nine?

JEROME
High school sweethearts?

ALICE
College.

JEROME
First loves?

ALICE
(meeting eyes with Bobby,
smiling)
First loves.

KELLY
(to Bobby)
Ever let another man suck your cock?

Silence. Alice looks at Bobby. Jerome
smiles.

BOBBY
(trying to be good-natured)
I told you, man, I’m straight.

KELLY
You can be straight and still let another man suck your cock.
(gestures at Jerome)
This one likes to fuck women. That doesn’t mean he’s any less
of a faggot when he’s in bed with me.

ALICE
(inappropriately cheerful in an
effort to change the tone)
Oh! So you’re bisexual.

JEROME
Pansexual.

ALICE
Oh, pansexual.
(beat)
What’s the difference between pansexual and bisexual?

Kelly chuckles.

JEROME
That’s not nice, Kelly. This lovely young couple wants to be
educated.
(looking directly at her)
11.

This lovely young woman, Alice, is asking a legitimate
question.

Bobby and Kelly observe Jerome’s look.
Bobby shifts uncomfortably in his
chair; Kelly looks at him.

ALICE
I just... I never heard the term before.

JEROME
Pansexuality reflects the belief that gender operates on a
spectrum rather than being split between two poles. To call
oneself “bisexual” assumes there are only two kinds of
people, men and women. Pansexuals believe that absolute
maleness and femaleness are two points on a vast continuum of
sexuality, and we’re attracted to all of it.

KELLY
(still looking at Bobby)
Which is to say, most people fall somewhere between
cheerleader and jock, especially in this town. You’d have to
go to a drag club to find anyone near as archetypal as you
two.

ALICE
And the two of you do this... often?

JEROME
This?

ALICE
Swing City. This.

KELLY
Monogamy is the interpersonal equivalent of terrorism.

JEROME
(to both)
I take it this is your first time?

ALICE
Yes.

BOBBY
(correcting her)
Oh, no. See, we’d been drinking.

JEROME
(to Kelly)
I think we should all be drinking right about now, don’t you?

Kelly smiles, gets up, and exits
towards the bar.
12.

At some point during the ensuing
dialogue, the Sleeping Man from the
previous scene -- the DJ -- appears in
his booth and begins setting up.

BOBBY
This was during the hurricane.

ALICE
The hurricane! Yes, the hurricane. You two didn’t have any
damage, did you?

JEROME
(smiles)
A few downed tree branches.

ALICE
Us too!
(to Bobby)
The one that practically came crashing down on your car?

BOBBY
(to Jerome)
Missed it by a foot.

ALICE
Less than a foot.

BOBBY
Of course we were expecting worse.

ALICE
The way they’d been talking about it on the news, I was
expecting the ground to open up and swallow us.

JEROME
So you were scared.

ALICE
Terrified.

JEROME
What did you do?

BOBBY
Drank.

JEROME
And crawled the internet for sex partners?

ALICE
It sounds bizarre. It’s like that story of the soldier in the
battlefield.
13.

He’s surrounded by gunfire and explosions, but instead of
firing back, he drops his gun and starts dancing and singing.
You do the most wildly inappropriate things when the world is
about to end.

JEROME
But the world’s still going.

ALICE
Thankfully.

JEROME
You didn’t have to show up here tonight. You didn’t have to
come back to the table once you saw us.

ALICE
(looks at Bobby; beat)
We were... curious.

JEROME
(beat, leaning in)
Aren’t you still curious? Just a little?

Kelly reenters with four drinks and
sets them on the table.

KELLY
Here we go. Four Drink Me’s, compliments of Bunny.

BOBBY
(getting up)
I think we should go.

ALICE
Bunny?

BOBBY
Alice?

ALICE
Oh, yes. It’s getting late, isn’t it?

JEROME
It’s 9:30.

BOBBY
I work tomorrow.

JEROME
Tomorrow is Saturday.

KELLY
At least have your drink.
14.

JEROME
Stay.

ALICE
(to Bobby)
We can stay for fifteen minutes, can’t we?

JEROME
Of course you can. We want to know more about you.

ALICE
We don’t have any friends in the area.

KELLY
We can be friendly.

ALICE
We moved here a couple of months ago. Bobby got an extremely
competitive promotion.

KELLY
(raising a glass to him)
Congratulations, Bobby.

Bobby looks at the three of them.

BOBBY
Fifteen minutes.

KELLY
Yippee.

BOBBY
(as he sits)
But only for fifteen minutes. I have a bunch of work waiting
for me at home.

Suddenly, a WAILING SIREN overtakes the
subdued background music; it gives way
to a BLAST of thudding beats and
twisting, techno swirls, courtesy of
the DJ, as the lights bathe the stage
in strobes and color.

The characters now have to SHOUT above
the music to be heard by the audience
and each other. (The volume of the
music should be cheated a bit to ensure
that the characters can be heard.)

JEROME
What is it you do, Bobby?
15.

BOBBY
What?

JEROME
What is it you do?

I’m a CPA.

KELLY
Exciting.

JEROME
And you, Alice?

ALICE
(has just taken a sip, coughs)
Oh god, what’s in this?

BOBBY
(taking a sip)
Holy shit!

KELLY
It’s Bunny’s special mix.

ALICE
Bunny?

JEROME
Formulated to kill your inhibitions.

ALICE
How do I know that name?

KELLY
Bunny?

JEROME
This is the Bunny Hole.

ALICE
What?

JEROME
The Bunny Hole!

ALICE
Did this place just open?

KELLY
Are you kidding?
16.

ALICE
We’ve never been here before.

BOBBY
What?

ALICE
I was saying, we’ve never been here before!

JEROME
How long have you lived here?

BOBBY
A few months.

ALICE
Honey, those catalogues.

BOBBY
What?

ALICE
Those sex catalogues. That’s how I know her name!
(to all)
I think she used to live in our apartment. We’ve been getting
her mail.

KELLY
(to Bobby)
Let’s dance.

BOBBY
What?

KELLY
Put that lacrosse-player’s body to use. Dance with me.

BOBBY
Oh, no thank you.

KELLY
I wanna dance!

ALICE
It’s okay, honey.

BOBBY
What?

ALICE
If you want to dance, you can dance.

BOBBY
I don’t want to dance.
17.

ALICE
He doesn’t want to dance, Kelly.

KELLY
Finish your drink, stud.

Bobby finishes his drink, coughs hard.

KELLY
(to Alice)
Don’t worry, honey. I’ll bring him back in better shape than
I found him.

Kelly grabs Bobby’s hands and drags him
towards the offstage dance floor.

BOBBY
Where are we going?

ALICE
Bobby?

They disappear offstage. Alice stares
after them.

JEROME
Alice?

ALICE
I think I should go after them.

JEROME
You never told me what you do, Alice.

ALICE
Oh. I’m a statistician.

JEROME
Finish your drink.

Alice finishes her drink, wipes her
mouth.

JEROME (CON’T)
A statistician?

ALICE
What?

JEROME
You. You said you’re a statistician.

ALICE
That’s a neat trick. How did you know that?
18.

JEROME
I’m very intuitive.

ALICE
Yeah?

JEROME
That’s part of what I do: intuit.

ALICE
What do you do?

JEROME
I’m a writer.

ALICE
Wow. What kind of writer?

JEROME
A playwright.

ALICE
I’ve never known a playwright.

JEROME
I’ve never known a statistician.

ALICE
What kinds of plays do you write?

JEROME
Dark. Sexual. Explicit.

ALICE
Oh wow.

JEROME
I write about people who are driven to dark places because
they’re willing to do anything to get what they want.

ALICE
What do they want?

JEROME
Love, usually.

ALICE
Love.

JEROME
You love your boyfriend very much, don’t you.
19.

ALICE
(sincerely)
Very much.

JEROME
But you’re not happy. No, don’t pretend I’m wrong. I have
incredible intuition, remember?

ALICE
Maybe you’re not a good playwright.

JEROME
And maybe you and your boyfriend didn’t come here to fuck
other people.

ALICE
(beat)
We don’t have sex very often.

JEROME
How often?

ALICE
(thinks)
His birthday. Halloween.

JEROME
So last week.

ALICE
Well, not every Halloween.

JEROME
Why Halloween?

ALICE
I’m a sucker for costumes.

JEROME
You kinky?

ALICE
(drunkenly blurting)
Nooooo!
(beat)
Kinky?

JEROME
You like playing dress-up.

ALICE
What about you two? I bet you’re kinky.
20.

JEROME
You name it, I’ve done it.
(beat)
Go ahead. Name something.

ALICE
No.

JEROME
Why not?

ALICE
Because. It’s embarrassing.

JEROME
That’s your shame talking.

ALICE
My shame has just as much right to speak as your
shamelessness.

JEROME
But my shamelessness is more fun.

ALICE
You love fun.

JEROME
Who doesn’t?

Alice regards him for a moment,
narrowing her eyes. She laughs.

JEROME (CON’T)
What?

ALICE
Nothing.

JEROME
What?

ALICE
I have intuitions, too, you know.

JEROME
Oh yeah?

ALICE
You’re lying to me about something.

He looks at her. She laughs again.
21.

ALICE (CON’T)
Maybe you aren’t as shameless as you say you are. Maybe
you’ve developed this bravado to mask your insecurities and
fool people into going to bed with you. Maybe you need people
like me to go to bed with you in order to feel validated.
Maybe you’ve left a trail of lovers in your wake with nothing
in common but your own damaged ego.

Jerome has been staring at her
throughout. The MUSIC has undergone a
transformation, growing slower,
quieter, muffled. It rumbles dreamily
beneath the dialogue.

Alice takes note of Jerome’s stare for
the first time. Her laughter peters out
uncomfortably.

ALICE (CON’T)
Stop.

He keeps staring.

ALICE (CON’T)
Be serious. How am I supposed to take you seriously with that
face?

JEROME
(eyes narrowing)
You’re getting smaller.

ALICE
(with an awkward giggle)
What?

JEROME
You should be careful what you say about people. I’ve seen
girls like you get so small, you disappear.

ALICE
(beat)
Stop looking at me like that.

He keeps staring.

ALICE (CON’T)
Bobby?
(looking around, frightened)
Bobby?!

Offstage, a scuffle:
22.

BOBBY
(from off)
I said no!

KELLY
(from off)
You were getting hard!

The MUSIC snaps back to normal. Bobby
enters and crosses to Alice; Kelly
follows behind.

BOBBY
(rigidly)
Alice, let’s go.

ALICE
(only too eager)
Yes.

KELLY
You just need another drink.

BOBBY
No thank you.

JEROME
(to Kelly)
Did you scare him?

BOBBY
I’m not scared, I’m tired. It’s late.

JEROME
I think you scared him, Kelly.

BOBBY
I’m not scared!
(beat, trying not to get angry;
to Jerome and Kelly)
Look, I don’t what your deal is, but I’ve had enough of being
down the rabbit hole.

KELLY
The Bunny Hole.

BOBBY
Whatever you call it, I’d like to get back to real life.

Bobby and Alice exit. Kelly stares
after them.

KELLY
Real life?!
23.

JEROME
(ponderously)
Real life.

Kelly sits next to Jerome.

KELLY
Have you ever heard of such a thing? Real life?

Jerome doesn’t answer; he’s thinking.
Kelly looks at him.

KELLY (CON’T)
Scared her too, did ya?

JEROME
I scared her.

KELLY
(beat)
Well, you’ll be happy to know I thought ahead and lined up
two replacements. Look over there.

Jerome doesn’t look. Kelly takes him by
the chin and points.

KELLY (CON’T)
As long as you’ll settle for dick, those two would be happy
to oblige.

JEROME
(looks at them)
Tourists?

KELLY
Adventurers.

Kelly offers Jerome his hand. Jerome
takes it.

KELLY (CON’T)
That’s the spirit.

He kisses Jerome.

KELLY (CON’T)
A cheerleader stole your confidence. Time to take back what’s
rightfully yours.

They exit.
24.

SCENE 3

Morning. The den/living room/office of
Alice and Bobby’s apartment. Most
prominent in the room is a desk
supporting two computer monitors, a
printer, and several efficient stacks
of papers. The entrance to the
apartment stands upstage.

The DOORBELL RINGS. Silence. It RINGS
AGAIN. More silence. A THIRD RING.

Alice enters, stumbling out of the
bedroom in her pajamas. A FOURTH RING;
Alice covers her ears and winces. She
is extremely hung over.

By the FIFTH RING, Alice has made it to
the door.

ALICE
(calling)
Who’s there?

She peers through the spyhole, then
opens the door, revealing...

BUNNY, dressed plainly in sweat pants,
a t-shirt, and a sweater. She can be
anywhere from late 40s to early 60s.
Her movements and speech are timed to a
slow, knowing rhythm, as though she has
a greater understanding of life than
most people but can’t be bothered to
share it.

She sizes up Alice for a few beats.

BUNNY (CON’T)
I hear you’ve got something that belongs to me.

ALICE
Who are you?

BUNNY
My mail.

ALICE
Oh. Oh, yes. Your mail.

Beat. Bunny continues staring.
25.

ALICE (CON’T)
Um, I’ll get it for you.

Bunny enters.

ALICE (CON’T)
It’s in the kitchen.

Alice exits toward the kitchen. Bunny
surveys the room, then inspects the
desk. Alice re-enters with a stack of
mail. Bunny speaks without looking up,
sensing her return.

BUNNY
What’s all this for? You a writer?

ALICE
Sort of.

BUNNY
(slowly turning to look at her;
suspiciously)
What do you mean, “sort of”?

ALICE
I write algorithms.

Bunny looks at her.

ALICE (CON’T)
I work for Find Your Perfect Mate.
(beat)
The dating site?
(beat)
Responsible for more marriages than any other.

BUNNY
Not exactly something to brag about, is it.

ALICE
Is there something I can get you?

BUNNY
(sitting, going through her
mail)
I’m fine.

ALICE
This must be strange for you, seeing someone else living
where you used to live.

BUNNY
What you’ve done with the place.
26.

ALICE
You like it?

Bunny doesn’t respond, returns to her
mail.

ALICE
I do feel a certain amount of pride in my work. I write the
alorythms that generate the matches, so I must be doing
something right.

BUNNY
(not looking up, amused)
How does that work? Generating matches?

ALICE
It’s quite complicated. Basically what it comes down to is
who likes what and the probability that any two variables
will add up to 1.This person likes long walks on the beach,
enjoys horror movies and sushi. That person prefers
afternoons indoors and will only watch horror movies or eat
sushi with the right person.

She looks at Bunny, who is flipping
through a catalogue.

ALICE (CON’T)
It’s more exciting than it sounds.

BUNNY
Sushi and horror movies, huh?

ALICE
Family and career ambitions. Moral philosophy. Sex.

BUNNY
Sex comes last?

ALICE
We don’t ask candidates much about it. I’ve been lobbying for
more data collection about sex. The thinking seems to be that
if everything else clicks, the sex will take care of itself.

BUNNY
Do you believe that?

ALICE
It doesn’t matter what I believe. The algorithm can only be
as effective as the amount of data we feed it.

Bunny closes the catalogue, looks at
Alice. Pause.
27.

ALICE (CON’T)
What?

BUNNY
You’re strange.

ALICE
I am?

Bunny smiles, glances toward the
bedroom.

BUNNY (CON’T)
That your husband?

ALICE
(looks off)
Oh!

Bunny watches as Alice exits toward the
bedroom, then quickly reappears.

BUNNY
You didn’t have to close the door.

ALICE
He’s sleeping.

BUNNY
I saw. I like a man who sleeps in his birthday suit.
(with a wink)
Makes it easier to surprise him in the morning.

ALICE
Surprise him?

BUNNY
You know what I mean.
(opening the catalogue, showing
it to Alice)
This is my favorite, right here. This side goes in him.
Shouldn’t take much effort at all if he’s sleeping, the
muscles are nice and relaxed. A dab of lube’ll do you, then
(whistles)
up the kisser. But what makes this one special is that little
piece right there. I call it the caterpillar. Doesn’t it look
just like a caterpillar clinging to a mushroom stem? That
stimulates your clit while you’re fucking him. A woman
designed this, you can tell.

ALICE
(beat)
Do you have one of these?
28.

BUNNY
Honey, I’ve got one of these as a spare while the other’s in
the dish washer.

Alice gawks at the catalogue. Bunny
moves away a few steps.

BUNNY (CON’T)
(of the catalogue)
Why don’t you keep that?

ALICE
(handing it back)
Oh no.

BUNNY
I’ve got most of the stuff in there, anyway. Besides, I’ve
got a building needs a new roof and boy applying to college.
Can’t be spending my Bunny Money on sex toys, now can I?

She crosses to the door.

ALICE
I was at your club last night.

BUNNY
(stops, turns)
I heard.

ALICE
I’m afraid there was a bit of an altercation.

BUNNY
You don’t seem like the kind to pick a fight.

ALICE
I’m not.

BUNNY
Then again, you were beginning to feel not quite like
yourself, weren’t you.

ALICE
I was drunk. God, I haven’t been this hungover since college
and I only had one drink.

BUNNY
I’ve got four rules for keeping the Bunny Hole in business,
and not skimping on Bunny juice is one of them. But I tell
you what. You go into that kitchen, mix up two glasses of egg
whites, raw oats, caffeinated tea leaves, and a pinch of
vanilla. Drink that down with your husband and in two hours
you’ll both be feeling just fine.
29.

ALICE
He’s not my husband.

BUNNY
(turning to go)
Smart girl.

ALICE
What are the other three rules? For keeping the Bunny Hole in
business?

BUNNY
(stops)
One, play the best music. Two, treat the customers like
family, which is why the coat-check is free and the toilets
are always spotless. And three, which follows from number
two: never let an outsider fuck with one of my people.
(beat)
Unless he had it coming.

She exits.
30.

SCENE 4

The Bunny Hole. Early morning. Seated
at the table with a round of drinks are
The Man with the Tiny Hat, the
(sleeping) DJ, Jerome, and Kelly. MUSIC
plays quietly in the background. The
Man with the Tiny Hat wears a new tiny
hat.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Tonight we drink to a great accomplishment, gentlemen.

THE DJ
(singing in his sleep)
I love the nightlife, I’ve got to boogie...

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(shouting at him)
Ben!
(no reaction)
BEN!!!

THE DJ
(startled awake, grabbing his
headphones)
Wha?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Don’t you ever sleep?

THE DJ
That’s what I’m doing.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
At home, Ben. Don’t you ever sleep at home?

THE DJ
(going back to sleep)
Fuck you, man.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(stopping him)
I’m about to toast, you idiot. I won’t have you sleeping
through my toast!

KELLY
Let him sleep if he wants to.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(shoving a drink in the DJ’s
hand)
Here! Drink that. It’s vodka over uppers over ice.
31.

(to Kelly)
He can stay awake long enough to hear my toast.

JEROME
So toast already. What’s the occasion?

THE DJ
Uppers make me tired.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
The occasion -- and ‘tis verily a great occasion -- is that
tonight, by Jupiter, he looked at me. He looked at me for
three -- count them, three! seconds. He could have chosen
anyone. I wasn’t even closest to the stage, but it was me he
looked at. Cheers!

He drinks. The other three stare at
him.

THE DJ
You made me stay awake for that?

The DJ drifts off to sleep again.

KELLY
This can’t be healthy.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
There’re electrolytes in the ice cubes.

KELLY
Not the drink. This obsession you have with the Prince.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(scoffing)
Obsession!

JEROME
He’s right. It’s weird.

KELLY
(to Jerome)
You should know weird. You’re obsessed with a girl. A girl! I
try to be open-minded, but that’s still a pang to my ego.

JEROME
I’m not obsessed.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Love knows no gender, no age. It barely knows itself, let
alone the reasons for its object.
32.

KELLY
You’re not in love, are you? Jesus, tell me you’re not in
love with her after only one meeting.

JEROME
I’m not in love with her.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
He hates her.

JEROME
I hate her.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Hate is just love spelled backwards using several different
letters.

KELLY
I’ve got an idea. Let’s call up that couple from last month.
The one with the fish tank in their bedroom? You liked them.

JEROME
Who?

KELLY
The couple with the fish tank.

JEROME
The skinny Latino and his out-of-work veterinarian husband?

KELLY
I’ll bring my new leather straight-jacket.

JEROME
For who?

KELLY
Me? Anyone who wants to try it?

JEROME
The Latino couldn’t keep his erection.

KELLY
You don’t need an erection to get fucked.

JEROME
It’s depressing, fucking a man who can’t keep an erection.
Besides, he was a top. The guy kept trying to stuff his limp
dick inside you while the husband showed us their sea-horses.
You enjoyed that?

KELLY
No.
33.

JEROME
Then why would we call them?

KELLY
To get your mind off that girl.

JEROME
At least you could have picked a couple we had fun with.

THE DJ
(smiles in his sleep)
Groove.

KELLY
(who has been thinking)
Can you think of one?

JEROME
A couple?

KELLY
Because I can’t. I honestly can’t think of a single couple in
years that I enjoyed myself with. Jesus. Why do I get so
turned on imagining us having sex with other people when the
sex itself gets more and more disappointing?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(addressing Jerome and Kelly;
Jerome listens, Kelly does
not)
I believe in beauty, gentlemen. It’s why I wear small hats.
I’ve decided to bring small hats into fashion because they
make our heads look bigger, and our heads are the seat of our
brains, and our brains are beautiful organs, the source of
all language and poetry and music. Forsooth, it’s also my
belief in beauty that inspires my love of antiquated words,
because antiquated things are invariably more beautiful than
those that are not... antiquated. Shakespeare was beautiful.
The Renaissance was beautiful. A fine, Victorian fainting
couch is indisputably more beautiful than an affordable, mass-
market piece of dreck with an incomprehensible Swedish name.
I believe in beauty; I act upon my belief; therefore I am, as
a head, as a fainting couch, as my scintillating Prince,
beautiful.

Jerome turns to Kelly to share a
chuckle. Kelly is lost in thought.

JEROME
(touching Kelly’s cheek)
Hey.

Kelly looks at him.
34.

JEROME (CON’T)
I love you.

KELLY
(very sad)
Shit.

Kelly gets up.

KELLY (CON’T)
I’m going to find someone to have sex with.

Jerome gets up as if to go with Kelly.

KELLY (CON’T)
Alone.

Kelly exits. Jerome sits. The Man with
the Tiny Hat has been watching. He
makes a sad SUCKING SOUND with his
tongue.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
He won’t enjoy himself.

JEROME
I don’t care.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Oh, you care, but for the wrong reasons. It’s not his
enjoyment this one night you should care about. No, what
should concern you is time travel.

JEROME
Time travel?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
When lovers drift apart, it is as the turning backwards of
time. Today what was tomorrow, tomorrow is last year, til all
thy tomorrows do thy love endanger, and he who was thy lover
is in no time, a stranger.
35.

SCENE 5

Alice and Bobby’s bedroom, past
midnight. Both are sleeping.

Bobby wakes. He looks at Alice, kisses
her. She shrugs him off and turns over.

He looks at her. Beat.

He looks away and starts to masturbate,
quietly at first so as not to wake her.
His pace soon quickens, rousing Alice.
She opens one eye, then the other.

ALICE
Are you...?

Bobby freezes. She looks at him.

BOBBY
(sheepishly)
I was having a dream.

ALICE
A dream?

BOBBY
You know... A dream.

ALICE
Did you want to?

BOBBY
Yeah.

They kiss.

BOBBY (CON’T)
It’s been awhile.

They kiss.

BOBBY (CON’T)
I’ve missed you.

ALICE
Me too.

She climbs on top of him. Bobby GROANS.

BOBBY
Feels good.
36.

ALICE
What?

BOBBY
Being inside you.

ALICE
You’re not inside.

Bobby looks at her.

BOBBY
I’m not?

ALICE
No, it’s...

BOBBY
Oh.

ALICE
Here, wait.

She feels under the sheets,
repositioning him.

BOBBY
Ow!

ALICE
What?

BOBBY
It doesn’t bend that way.

ALICE
Sorry.

BOBBY
That’s alright. Shit. I’m getting soft.

ALICE
I can’t see what I’m doing.

BOBBY
Turn on the light?

ALICE
Sure.

Bobby turns on the light. It’s
blinding.
37.

ALICE AND BOBBY
No!

ALICE
Turn it off.

Bobby turns off the light.

ALICE (CON’T)
I know. We have those candles, remember? For the hurricane?

She gets out of bed, shivers.

BOBBY
You alright?

ALICE
Cold.

BOBBY
You don’t have to.

ALICE
We need condoms, anyway.

BOBBY
Come back.

ALICE
Where are they?

BOBBY
We don’t need them.

ALICE
Candles?

BOBBY
Condoms.

ALICE
(beat)
Are you still half-asleep or something?

BOBBY
Kitchen closet, I think.

ALICE
(exiting)
The kitchen?

BOBBY
(to himself)
It’s where we keep stuff we don’t use that often.
38.

Bobby feels himself, SIGHS. He
masturbates, trying to get hard again.

Alice re-enters with condoms and two
lit candles in jars.

ALICE
Found ‘em.
(beat, sees him masturbating)
Should I sit this one out?

BOBBY
Just getting ready.
(inviting her into the bed)
Here.

Alice sets down the candles, scurries
under the covers.

BOBBY (CON’T)
Nice and warm.

ALICE
Yes.

He kisses her. She climbs on top of him
again. They kiss heavily, then Bobby
abruptly pulls away.

BOBBY
What’s that smell?

ALICE
What?

BOBBY
The candles?

ALICE
Oh.

She looks at the candles, thinks.

ALICE (CON’T)
Fresh linen?

BOBBY
(not liking it)
Whew.

ALICE
It’s all they had left by the time I got there.
39.

She kisses him, positioning him beneath
the sheets. He SNEEZES -- a small
sneeze. They pause.

BOBBY
Sorry.

Alice starts them up again, becoming
more aggressive as she kisses and
caresses him. He flips her over. Just
as he is about to enter her, he SNEEZES
again -- this time HARD and SLOPPY,
right in Alice’s face.

Pause.

BOBBY
Sorry?

Pause. They laugh.

ALICE
The candles?

BOBBY
Sorry.

ALICE
Ew.

BOBBY
I got you, huh?

ALICE
Oh you got me.

Bobby wipes Alice’s face with the
sheet. He gets out of bed.

BOBBY
(of the cold)
Jesus.

He SNEEZES, crosses to the candles,
blows them out, SNEEZES again...

BOBBY (CON’T)
(scurrying to the bed)
Oh my -- [God].

SNEEZES again. Alice laughs throughout.
40.

He dives back into bed, is about to
sneeze once more. Alice ducks under the
covers. Pause.

ALICE
Is it safe?

BOBBY
(having successfully fought it
off)
It’s gone.

Alice pokes her head out from under the
covers. They giggle. Bobby holds her.
Their faces grow serious, showing hints
of discomfort.

BOBBY
Why haven’t we gotten married?

ALICE
Why?
(beat)
Our parents?

BOBBY
Not anymore.

ALICE
They were right to want us to wait until you finished
graduate school and I established myself.

BOBBY
I finished grad school. You’re established. A bit too
established.

ALICE
What does it mean to be too established?

BOBBY
You work so much.

ALICE
So do you.

BOBBY
That would make marriage difficult. It would make children
difficult.

ALICE
Children. Now that’s a conversation we haven’t had in awhile.
41.

BOBBY
(beat)
Do you want to get married?

ALICE
(pause)
I mean, of course I do. It just... feels late now.

BOBBY
Late?

ALICE
We’ve been together for such a long time, it feels like we’re
already married.

BOBBY
It might feel that way, but we aren’t.

ALICE
I know.
(beat)
Where would we do it?

BOBBY
Where?

ALICE
Here? Back home? It would be difficult getting everyone here.

BOBBY
You’d want to get married here?

ALICE
It’s where we live. Besides, there are fewer options at home.
I wouldn’t want to get married at a fort. Or a golf course.
Or the university chapel.

BOBBY
I thought you liked the chapel.

ALICE
When?

BOBBY
Chip and Dinah’s wedding?

ALICE
I liked it?

BOBBY
You said it was magical.

ALICE
I must have been toasted.
42.

BOBBY
There was no alcohol at the wedding.

ALICE
Do you want to get married?

BOBBY
(beat)
Which answer do you want? Mine or the one you’re looking for?

ALICE
That’s a curious thing to say.

BOBBY
We love each other, right?

ALICE
Of course. You’re my best friend. It frightens me to think
about how I’d manage if you ever disappeared. You’d take so
much of me with you I wouldn’t know who I was.

BOBBY
I’m not disappearing.

ALICE
I don’t mean literally.

He pecks her on the lips.

BOBBY
Go to sleep.

ALICE
Okay.

BOBBY
Sorry... for waking you.

He turns over. Alice stares ahead, wide
awake.
43.

SCENE 6

The Bunny Hole, evening (before the
music gets loud).

The Man with the Tiny Hat, Kelly, and
the always-sleeping DJ sit at a table.
The DJ sits/sleeps between the two men,
who rest their arms on him as a
cushion. Both are extremely drunk. A
bouquet of daisies sits on the table.

KELLY
He had a lump.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
A lump?

KELLY
On his back.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
A hump back?

KELLY
A lump back.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Did it go bump in the night?

KELLY
It went... squish.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Squish.

KELLY
Not squish, exactly. More like one of those stress balls that
keeps the shape of your fingers for a few seconds after you
squeeze it, then returns to normal.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
So you squeezed this lump of his?

KELLY
God no. I did everything I could not to touch it.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
But touch it you did.

KELLY
I needed some way to keep a grip on him. I tried holding onto
his shoulders but my hands kept slipping.
44.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Did you try his rump, or was there a lump on that too?

KELLY
I didn’t want to chance it.

The Man with the Tiny Hat hoists up the
DJ, who remains fast asleep.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(using the DJ to illustrate)
So you held him thusly?

KELLY
More like...

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Oh.

The Man with the Tiny Hat hands the DJ
to Kelly, who illustrates.

KELLY
More like this.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Ah.

KELLY
And the lump. The lump was right there.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(inspecting the DJ’s back)
Indeed.

KELLY
(returning the DJ to sleeping
position on the table)
I hate when I come first.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
So there was an attraction between you.

KELLY
It was friction.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
And then what?

KELLY
Then. Then he needed to come. I’m too fucking polite, that’s
my problem.
45.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
And did he?

KELLY
Eventually.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
And the lump?

KELLY
What about it?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Did it say thank you?

KELLY
Lumps can’t talk.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
But you never actually got a look at it, did you? It could
have been a lump with a mouth.

KELLY
The point is, I didn’t enjoy myself. Is it too much to ask to
fuck a random stranger and enjoy it?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
That depends on the stranger. And the occasion for the
fornication.

KELLY
Revenge.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Ah!

KELLY
The whole point was to have a toe-curling orgasm so I could
tell him how amazing it was. All I have now is the lump-
chump. It’s embarrassing.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Let me tell you something I learned long ago. Revenge...
never works.

KELLY
That’s it? Revenge never works?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Horribly simple-sounding, isn’t it?

KELLY
That’s stupid.
46.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I’d prefer something more eloquent myself, but the wisest
council may disguise itself in the meanest of forms.

KELLY
Since when are you so full of wisdom. Those flowers are for
him, aren’t they? He’s --
(air quotes)
“dancing” tonight.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I’m human just like you. Besides, I was offering my wisdom to
you, not me. Had I offered it to myself, I would have gladly
taken it.

Alice enters, searching for someone.
She spots the table and moves
hesitantly toward it.

MAN WITH TINY HAT AND KELLY
No room, no room!

ALICE
(eyeing Kelly)
There’s plenty of room.

KELLY
(beat)
Have some wine?

ALICE
I don’t see any wine.

KELLY
There isn’t any.

ALICE
That wasn’t very civil of you to offer.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It wasn’t very civil of you to show up without being invited.

ALICE
(beat, sitting)
I didn’t know this was your club. It accommodates many more
than three.

BUNNY
(entering)
Welcome back, Alice.

ALICE
Thank you.
47.

BUNNY
(of Kelly)
Normally you can expect more from this one, but he’s down on
his loveluck. Makes him testy.

KELLY
I’m not testy.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Nor is he lumpy.

BUNNY
(looks at the Man with the Tiny
Hat, beat)
And this one.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Aye, madam?

BUNNY
This one is like jizz on a bathhouse floor. No matter how
many times you sponge him up, you can’t get rid of him.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I am as a lump on your plump posterior. You can’t get rid of
me without cutting off a piece of yourself.

ALICE
(of the DJ)
And who is this?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Who?

ALICE
This... sleeping person.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(shaking the DJ)
Ben! Introduce yourself, Ben.

BUNNY
That’s my DJ.

ALICE
Your DJ must work very hard.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
What are you dreaming about tonight, little mouse? Are you
dreaming of love? Is there music -- real music -- playing in
your head?

BUNNY
He’s the best there is -- when he’s awake.
48.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Why is a raven like a writing desk?

BUNNY
What?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It’s a riddle.

ALICE
I’ve heard it before, I think.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Do you mean to say that you think you can find out the answer
to it?

ALICE
I guess.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Then you should say what you mean.

ALICE
I do. Or at least I mean what I say. It’s the same thing.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It is not the same thing. Why, you might just as well say
that “I see what I eat” is the same as “I eat what I see.” Or
that “I like what I get” is the same thing as “I get what I
like.”

BUNNY
I like those flowers. Does that mean I get them?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
They’re for the boy.

BUNNY
Of course they are. And I’ve told you to lay off the boy.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
You’re not his mother.

BUNNY
He lives with me.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
He’s your boarder.

BUNNY
I pay for his shit.
49.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
He’s your boarder and you pay for his shit, as you so sweetly
put it. But neither of these things gives you jurisdiction
over my heart. Or my daisies.

BUNNY
You want me to have Marco throw you out?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
No. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I want that at all.

BUNNY
Then lay. Off. The boy.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I shall love him, and I shall lay him.

ALICE
Who is the boy?

BUNNY
I’m warning you.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Who is the boy? Who is the BOY?!

KELLY
(wearily)
The Prince of Hearts.

ALICE
Oh.

BUNNY
You just stay away from him.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(to Alice)
She objects to our love.

BUNNY
I object to love in general and you specifically. Give me the
flowers.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
No!

BUNNY
Give me the --

She wrestles them out of his hands. He
stands, indignant.
50.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I’ll have you know, in my heyday, I could have signaled a
mass exodus out of this trash-heap! I was admired. And loved.
Everyone was watching me.

BUNNY
They’re still watching you. They feel sorry for you, the same
as I do, which is the only reason you’re still here.

The Man with the Tiny Hat stares at her
for a beat, deeply hurt, then exits.
Bunny watches him go, then turns to
Alice.

BUNNY (CON’T)
Sorry ‘bout that, honey.

ALICE
(uncomfortable)
It’s okay.

BUNNY
Where’s your boyfriend?

ALICE
Sleeping.

BUNNY
(to Kelly)
And yours? Busy writing a play?

KELLY
Sorting one, maybe.

BUNNY
Alice here’s a writer.

KELLY
No shit.

BUNNY
She writes math.

ALICE
Algorithms.

Kelly looks at Alice.

KELLY
Jerome’s not here.

ALICE
Good.
51.

KELLY
You didn’t like him?

ALICE
I don’t think he liked me very much, either.

KELLY
Oh, he likes you. In fact, he developed this itch when he met
you. For pussy. Your pussy.

BUNNY
You need some coffee.

KELLY
Let me ask you something.

BUNNY
Keep moving.

ALICE
No, I’m okay. What do you want to ask me?

KELLY
Before you answered our ad, had you and the football player
ever done anything like that before?

ALICE
It was lacrosse. And no, not exactly like that.

KELLY
Never picked up another couple?

ALICE
No.

KELLY
But you had... adventures.

ALICE
(beat, thoughtfully)
In the beginning.

KELLY
(amused)
Is that what your dating site recommends for bored young
couples: a partner swap?
(beat, to Bunny)
She doesn’t belong here.

BUNNY
You show me your name on the deed to my club and you can tell
me who belongs and who doesn’t.
52.

KELLY
(to Alice)
You’d be lucky to have him!

BUNNY
Go.

Kelly freezes.

BUNNY (CON’T)
I said, go.

Kelly hesitates, exits.

Long pause.

Bunny looks over at the sleeping DJ.
She pulls out a pocket watch, checks
it, then KNOCKS on the table, startling
Alice.

BUNNY (CON’T)
Wake up, Twinkle. It’s almost eleven. Wake up. Wake up.

The DJ startles awake.

BUNNY (CON’T)
Get to the booth. And don’t fall back asleep.

He nods, scuttles to the booth, and
proceeds to set up for showtime.

Bunny picks up an unfinished drink from
the table and downs it. She picks up
another and downs it as well.

BUNNY
(to Alice)
You want one?

ALICE
Sure.

Bunny picks up the third glass and
hands it to Alice.

BUNNY
On the house.

Alice sniffs the drink.

BUNNY (CON’T)
What?
53.

ALICE
(pushing the glass away)
Maybe I shouldn’t.

BUNNY
Come on, now. You’re at a bar. Don’t tell me you didn’t plan
on drinking.

She puts the glass in Alice’s hand and
clinks her own glass to it. Alice nods,
drinks, then coughs.

ALICE
God, the alcohol here!

BUNNY
Helps you grow.

ALICE
That’s good. Lately I can’t shake the feeling I’m only as
tall as most people’s ankles. Have you ever felt that way?

BUNNY
(smiles)
Used to.

ALICE
It’s just, this city is so big. The buildings are so tall.
There’s so much noise, so much is always happening. I feel
like a spec.

BUNNY
You’ll get used to it.

ALICE
I suppose.

BUNNY
Where did you live before? Some village without cars and
ambulances and tall buildings?

ALICE
Not this many. Or this big. It’s all about proportions. The
proportions here don’t feel right.

BUNNY
You’ll just have to rise to the occasion.

ALICE
I’m trying.

BUNNY
Is that what brings you out by yourself? Looking to stretch
those legs of yours, gain some perspective?
54.

A SIREN blares and the lights change as
the DJ begins his set. Bunny holds up a
silencing hand; the speakers go QUIET
and the lights snap back to normal.

BUNNY (CON’T)
You were saying.

ALICE
(beat)
I have more of your mail.

BUNNY
You’re kidding.

ALICE
(digging it out of her bag and
handing it to Bunny)
I was thinking. About our conversation.

BUNNY
(yelling in the direction of
the bar)
Kelly, tell Jerome how many times do I have to fill out that
form before I get all of my goddamn mail?

ALICE
I think... Well, you strike me as something of an expert.

BUNNY
(looking through her mail)
Idiots.

ALICE
This afternoon I was on an emergency conference call with a
PR rep for the web site. There’s a story coming out about the
odds of divorce for couples who meet online using sites like
ours. I explained that I was comfortable with those odds
because they’re precisely in line with national divorce
rates, but I’m told they conflict with our messaging or
something like that, and...

She looks up at Bunny, who is flipping
through something that looks like a
catalogue, obviously not paying
attention.

ALICE (CON’T)
I need more data.

BUNNY
Hm?
55.

ALICE
I was thinking I could hand out a questionnaire. Or if your
clients wouldn’t be comfortable with that, I could create an
online survey and one of us, me, could pass out a slip of
paper with the URL.

BUNNY
What kind of survey are you talking about?

Alice gestures at the catalogue Bunny
is holding.

BUNNY
(showing her -- it’s a
financial catalogue)
IRAs?

ALICE
Sex.

BUNNY
I don’t run a sex club.

ALICE
No. I know that. But it’s a non-traditional place, isn’t it?.
Free-spirited? People here make choices that I could learn
from and apply to my algorithm.

BUNNY
To your algorithm.

ALICE
To my algorithm.

BUNNY
(smiles, puts aside the
catalogue)
Why are you really here?

ALICE
I just told you.

Bunny looks at Alice for a beat, then
changes tact.

BUNNY
I tell you what. You’re some kind of math genius, right? My
boy is taking the SAT. I’d like him to get into college, have
more opportunities than I did. He needs a tutor.

ALICE
So he’s your child?
56.

BUNNY
You’re all my children. Even the fool. You interested?

ALICE
Sure.

BUNNY
And you can pass out your pieces of paper, so long as you
change your look, make an effort to blend. I can’t have you
going around asking sex questions looking like an outsider.

ALICE
How should I dress?

BUNNY
(suggestively)
Like an insider.

Alice looks around, spots someone.

ALICE
(pointing offstage)
Like her?

BUNNY
That’s a him, sweetie.

ALICE
Oh.
(beat)
He looks lovely.
(beat)
So when do I get to meet him? The boy?

Bunny flips open her pocket watch.

BUNNY
Right about -- now.

She raises her hand; the lights change
and the MUSIC blares, quickly climaxing
in a BURST like exploding stars.

The Man with the Tiny Hat re-enters,
rushing to his seat for a prime view
of...

A BOY, the PRINCE OF HEARTS, who
appears on the small stage. He looks
younger than his 19 years, has a
slight, sinewy build, and wears only a
pair of bright, white underwear
embellished with red hearts.
57.

A music-box rendition of TWINKLE,
TWINKLE LITTLE STAR plays as the Prince
of Hearts marches mechanically about
the stage. His routine is carefully
choreographed and includes the
occasional pelvic thrust, forward bend,
self-caress, and lick of the lips, but
these gestures and others are carried
out with all the grace of the Tin Man.

Bunny watches the Prince with a smile.
The Man with the Tiny Hat hangs on his
every move, beaming with rapture.

About halfway through the routine,
Alice turns to Bunny. The MUSIC fades a
few decibels so that she and Bunny can
be heard.

ALICE
(not sure what to make of what
she’s seeing)
That’s the Prince of Hearts?

BUNNY
(smiling proudly)
That’s him.

ALICE
(beat)
He’s a very good dancer.

BUNNY
He’s awful, ain’t he?

ALICE
Awful?

BUNNY
(her smile unwavering)
Has all the sexual charisma of a tin can up there. It’s why
he dances Monday nights; can’t have him leaving my customers
scratching their heads on weekends, now can I? But what’s a
mother to do? Most of the men here tonight came to see him,
and you want to support your kid doing what he loves.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(apart from Bunny and Alice;
unheard by them)
Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love,
And sing them loud, even in the dead of night;
Holla your name to the reverberate hills,
58.

And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out, the lord of mine own lowliest heart!

ALICE
He doesn’t look much like you, does he?

BUNNY
I love him like he was mine.

ALICE
I’m sure.

BUNNY
I want the world for him.

The Prince has stopped dancing and is
staring at the Man with the Tiny Hat.
Bunny sees. She signals to the DJ, who
spins into a new record. CLUB MUSIC
starts pumping again; the Prince
continues “dancing.”

MAN WITH TINY HAT
No.
(looking around frantically, as
if for help)
NO!
(to Bunny)
I can’t watch him dance to this!

BUNNY
Then I guess you better go.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It’s blasphemy! It’s beneath him!
(mounting the stage)
He cannot dance to this!

BUNNY
Get down from there!

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(to the Prince of Hearts)
I can’t watch you demean yourself like this. This... this
common go-go dancing!

Jerome has entered amidst the chaos. He
and Alice stare at each other.

BUNNY
(catching sight of Jerome,
calling to him)
Jerome, get him out of here!
59.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I love you!

BUNNY
(to the DJ)
Stop the music! Stop it!

The MUSIC cuts out as Jerome grabs the
Man with the Tiny Hat and drags him
off.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(struggling)
I brought you flowers! Bunny, give the boy my flowers. She
has them! She has your flowers, my Prince...!

Jerome wrestles him off-stage. For a
few beats, silence.

BUNNY
(to the Prince)
That’s enough dancing for tonight, baby.

The Prince nods, exits.

BUNNY (CON’T)
(to Alice, miffed)
What’s wrong with you?

ALICE
(has been staring off after
Jerome)
Oh. Nothing.

BUNNY
(calling to the bar)
Drinks for everyone!

Jerome reenters and crosses upstage
right, eyes locked on Alice. Kelly
enters, drink in hand, watching them
both.

The DJ has fallen asleep.

BUNNY
(to the DJ)
Wake up!

He startles awake.

BUNNY (CON’T)
What are you waiting for? START THE MUSIC!
60.

Lights out.
61.

SCENE 7

Bunny’s apartment. Alice and the Prince
sit at a table spread with papers and
test booklets. Alice is staring off in
thought. The Prince punches some
numbers into a calculator, shows her.

ALICE
Can I see your scrap paper?

He shows her. She checks his work.

ALICE (CON’T)
Good. Excellent. Do you have the flashcard we made with all
the formulas on it?

He gives it to her.

ALICE (CON’T)
Have you been studying it?

He nods.

ALICE (CON’T)
Okay, try the next section without it.
(of the calculator)
Remember to hit “clear.”

He hits clear and gets back to work.
Alice drifts off in thought again.

ALICE (CON’T)
(to the audience)
I’m thinking about when Bobby and I met. How excited we were
by each other.

Bobby enters and sits on a chair set
apart from Bunny’s living room. Memory
scenes play out here.

Alice gets up and crosses into the
memory.

ALICE (CON’T)
We made love in the back seat of my car.

Alice sits on Bobby’s lap. They look at
each other, smiling.

ALICE (CON’T)
There was no reason why we couldn’t have done it in one of
our dorm rooms. The reason we did it in the car was
because...
62.

Because it’s where we both were at that moment, and we wanted
each other. I don’t know which was more exciting, that we
wanted each other so badly or that we could have been
anywhere just then, in the back seat of a car or in the
middle of a crowded street, and it wouldn’t have mattered
because we wanted each other so badly.

The Man with the Tiny Hat enters the
memory scene with a flashlight. He
points it at the car, spots Alice and
Bobby, and taps his flashlight against
the imaginary car window.

ALICE (CON’T)
We were just about finished when a campus security guard
found us. His flashlight was in my eyes. I couldn’t see
anything except for his smile; this big, white smile floating
in space above his flashlight. We invited him to join us.

Bobby waves the security guard into the
car. The security guard looks at Alice,
does a silent “hot damn!,” and
struggles to undo his pants. Alice
laughs.

ALICE (CON’T)
Actually, that last part didn’t happen. But wouldn’t it have
been fantastic if it had?

The security guard exits, skulking.
Alice gets off Bobby’s lap.

ALICE (CON’T)
Around the same time I had a friend named Dinah, an artist.
One night she needed models for a photography project. I
asked Bobby if he would help, too. She posed us. Close.

Bunny has entered, playing the role of
Dinah. She poses Alice and Bobby.

ALICE (CON’T)
She studied at us for a moment, then said, “You two should
really be naked.” We’d been drinking and were all a bit tipsy
by this point. I laughed. Bobby laughed, too, but I could
feel him... growing. So I took off my clothes. So did Dinah.
And Bobby. And she photographed us. Naked.

Bunny snaps the photograph, then exits.
Alice and Bobby mime viewing a picture
on a wall.

ALICE (CON’T)
Three weeks later, our photograph was hanging in the Visual
Arts Building as part of the Junior Show.
63.

All you could see were our bare shoulders, my cleavage, some
of Bobby’s chest hair. Most people probably thought we were
only pretending to be naked, but we knew the truth. We knew
we’d made love right after the picture was taken, and we knew
we would make love again right after we returned from seeing
it on display. Somehow that secret knowledge made it feel
like we were inviting the whole world to join us.

Bobby looks at Alice, smiles, and
exits. Pause.

ALICE (CON’T)
Some couples never seem to loose the sense of adventure of
being in each other’s company. But statistically speaking,
couples like those are so few in number as to fall beneath
the p-value. Basically, they’re statistically insignificant.
I never thought I’d want to be insignificant.

Alice returns to her chair at the
table. She sits quietly, staring off
into space.

Bunny enters with two coffee mugs. She
is dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt,
her hair in curlers, but her makeup is
done.

BUNNY
How’s my dancing queen?

ALICE
Oh.
(beat)
I’m sorry. I’m distracted tonight.

BUNNY
(to the Prince)
Finish your homework?
(the Prince nods)
Go on, then. Check your Manhunt.

The Prince nods, exits.

BUNNY (CON’T)
Kids. He’d spend all night posting naked pictures of himself
on that website if I let him. Hormones.

ALICE
Oh.

BUNNY
(offering Alice one of the
mugs)
Here. Drink.
64.

Alice takes the cup, hesitates.

BUNNY (CON’T)
It’s coffee.

ALICE
Coffee only?

BUNNY
(crosses her heart)
Swear it.

Alice drinks. Bunny removes the curlers
from her hair.

BUNNY (CON’T)
I appreciate your helping us, you know.

ALICE
It’s no trouble.

BUNNY
He’s a good kid. Doesn’t talk much, but when he does it’s
because he’s got something to say. Not like most of us.

ALICE
How did he come to live with you?

BUNNY
Caught him at the club one night turning tricks in the
bathroom. My bouncer threw him out, but at the end of the
night he was still hanging around outside. Followed me home.
Like a dog. Same thing the next night. I knew a lady had
twelve cats, said each one chose her. I figured I was too old
to be taking in twelve twinks, but I did have room for the
one.

ALICE
So he was a prostitute?

BUNNY
You shocked?

ALICE
No, not shocked.
(beat)
A little.
(beat)
It surprises me how well he’s kept up with his education.

BUNNY
That was one of the conditions of his moving in. He needed to
get his G.E.D., which he did.
65.

And he needed to be open to the idea of going to college,
letting me fulfill that fantasy through him.

ALICE
Why not go yourself?

BUNNY
I have the club. I make good money. I decided a long time ago
that I would make my choices based on risk and reward, and at
this point the investment has more potential for him than me.

ALICE
That’s a very pragmatic approach to the world.

BUNNY
Pragmatic?

ALICE
Objective. Practical.

BUNNY
I’m a practical kind of woman. Just like you with your
surveys.

ALICE
(beat)
Have you ever been married?

Bunny raises an eyebrow.

ALICE (CON’T)
I know you don’t believe in marriage, but that doesn’t mean
you haven’t been married.

BUNNY
I’m practical, remember?

ALICE
Marriage can be very practical. The sharing of one’s assets.
The shoring-up of emotional and financial resources against
risk.

BUNNY
Divorce costs more than marriage saves.

ALICE
Have you been in non-contractual marriages?
(clarifying)
Relationships.

BUNNY
Is this your survey?
66.

ALICE
Part of it.

BUNNY
(smiles)
Why not give me the whole thing? It’ll make up for me not
returning my census form.

Alice removes a clipboard from her bag.

ALICE
(reading)
How old are you?

Bunny looks at her. Alice takes the cue
and skips to the next question.

ALICE (CON’T)
You’ve never been married. And you’re sexually active?

Bunny looks at her.

ALICE (CON’T)
No?
(beat)
I’d just assumed. What with the catalogues and the... the sex
toy you said was in your dishwasher.

BUNNY
Just cause a dildo’s got two sides doesn’t mean you can’t use
it alone.

ALICE
No. I mean, of course it doesn’t. Of course not.

BUNNY
Making you uncomfortable, am I?

ALICE
No.

BUNNY
Oh, come on. When’s the last time you treated yourself to a
proper, private clit-tickle?

Alice chokes on her coffee, spits some
of it out.

ALICE
I’m sorry.
67.

BUNNY
(kneeling, soaking up the
coffee with a napkin)
No worries. I’m getting used to you spitting up my drinks.

ALICE
It’s a surprising question.

BUNNY
So I’m guessing it’s been awhile?

ALICE
I have a low libido, I suppose.

BUNNY
Do you always do that? Say things about yourself that know
aren’t true?

ALICE
I know how to make myself come, and coming is enjoyable. It’s
just that I’d rather be having sex with a person. Besides me.

BUNNY
Honey, Halloween’s a full ten months away. You and that
boyfriend better get to doing some trick or treating out of
season.

ALICE
(beat)
How do you know about that?

BUNNY
About?

ALICE
Halloween?
(beat)
Oh god. Did I tell Jerome about that? Did he tell you?

BUNNY
(as she cleans; matter-of-
factly)
No one needs to tell me what happens in my club. These walls
are a part of me. The money for those first few mortgage
payments started out as crumpled twenties bunched into my
underwear. Those bills had my smell all over them. Take a
deep breath and you can smell me in these walls.

ALICE
Why?

BUNNY
Why?
68.

ALICE
Why did you open this place?

BUNNY
As a public service.

ALICE
For?

BUNNY
People like you, for one.

ALICE
What kind of person is that?

BUNNY
You don’t need me to explain you to yourself, do you?

ALICE
You’re the second person since I came to The Bunny Hole who’s
tried to explain me to myself. Frankly, I’m beginning to take
offense. I find it condescending that others would presume to
know me better than I know myself.

BUNNY
Are you calling me condescending?

ALICE
It’s terrible feeling small. I don’t suppose you know this
feeling, but it’s terrible and powerless. I can be your
friend, I’m happy to tutor your son, but I can’t have you
treating me like...

BUNNY
Like what?

ALICE
Like everyone is always smaller than you.

They look at each other. Beat.

BUNNY
Ask me another question, why don’t you? From your survey.

ALICE
You’re not mad?

BUNNY
We’re all a little mad here. It’s what makes us such an
interesting bunch.

Alice looks at her survey, takes a
moment to find her place.
69.

ALICE
So you aren’t currently in a sexual relationship.

BUNNY
No.

ALICE
Have you ever been in one?

Bunny chuckles. Alice makes a note,
taking this as a yes.

ALICE (CON’T)
In the past, what was the average length of your sexual
relationships? A rough estimate.

BUNNY
(thinks for a few beats, then:)
Thirty-two minutes.

ALICE
Really.

BUNNY
I was going to say thirty minutes, but some guys went over,
some went under. They all paid for thirty minutes.

ALICE
Have you ever been in love?

BUNNY
(beat)
Yes.

ALICE
How long did that relationship last?

BUNNY
Not very long.

ALICE
Under one year?

BUNNY
He came to see me twelve times. Twelve times thirty-two is...

ALICE
(calculating instantly,
instinctively)
Three hundred and eighty four.

BUNNY
(beat, smiles)
You did that without even blinking.
70.

(beat)
Three hundred and eighty four minutes. That’s how long it
lasted.

ALICE
What happened?

BUNNY
Stopped coming.

Pause. Alice moves on.

ALICE
Do you believe in monogamy?

BUNNY
No.

ALICE
In the course of a sexual relationship, have you engaged in
any of the following with your partner: Threesomes and/or
group sex.

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Scenarios involving domination and submission.

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Scenarios involving cuckolding or consensual cheating.

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Voyeurism.

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Pornography.

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Transgression of established sexual identity roles, such as
having bisexual or homosexual intercourse when you or your
partner otherwise self-identified as heterosexual.
71.

BUNNY
What?

ALICE
(restating the question)
Do you have sex with women?

BUNNY
Yes.

ALICE
Is there anything you feel belongs on this list which I’ve
neglected?

BUNNY
Plenty.
(beat, off Alice’s look)
Hey, it’s a good survey. No one can name them all.

ALICE
It’s not that.
(putting down the clipboard)
I was expecting to find a positive correlation between the
kinds of sexual behavior I’ve been asking you about and the
length of relationships.

BUNNY
Three hundred and eighty four minutes not what you were
looking for?

ALICE
It’s the most specific I’ve heard so far, but not the
shortest. It doesn’t seem to matter if you’re in a
traditional, monogamous marriage or if you and your partner
have sex with dozens of different people in as many different
ways. There’s no significant difference in the outcome.

BUNNY
Which is?

ALICE
Stasis. Boredom.

BUNNY
There are worse things than boredom.

ALICE
True.

BUNNY
That feeling of being small you were talking about.
Heartbreak can do that to you.
72.

ALICE
Imagine if that were our messaging. Two out of three
relationships that begin on our site end in heartbreak or
utter dreariness.

BUNNY
That’s why I only let myself fall in love once.

ALICE
You don’t find that sad?

BUNNY
Not as sad as being unhappy.

ALICE
I’m not. Happy.

Pause. Bunny gets up, reaches out her
hand.

BUNNY
Come on. Burrow downstairs with me.

ALICE
I should go home. I have a report to finish.

BUNNY
Why go home if it’ll only make you feel smaller?

ALICE
I can’t stay here all the time, can I?

BUNNY
I do.

ALICE
My life is -- out there. It’s not as I imagined it would be.
It’s a very imperfect, very fragile, very static life.

BUNNY
And what do you think you’re going to do?

ALICE
Make it better.

Bunny looks at her. Long pause.

BUNNY
You sure you wouldn’t rather stay?

ALICE
No. Thank you.
73.

BUNNY
That’s where we’re different.

Bunny exits. Alice sits alone on stage
for a few beats.
74.

SCENE 8

Alice and Bobby’s apartment, the living
room, early morning. Alice is working
at her computer. She’s burning a tea
candle. Bobby enters in his underwear,
half-asleep.

BOBBY
Hey...

ALICE
Hey. Couldn’t sleep?

BOBBY
Needed a drink of water.

He is about to exit into the kitchen,
then stops.

BOBBY (CON’T)
Thirsty?

ALICE
I don’t want to keep you up.

BOBBY
Tea?

ALICE
(smiles)
Thank you.

BOBBY
Herbal?

ALICE
Caffeinated. I could use some juice.

BOBBY
Yes ma’am.

He disappears into the kitchen,
reappearing moments later.

BOBBY (CON’T)
Water’s on.

ALICE
Did you hear about Hurricane Carroll?

BOBBY
What about it?
75.

ALICE
She’s coming back.

BOBBY
Back? How?

ALICE
It’s some kind of meteorological fluke. The storm hit the
keys, picked up strength along the water, and pulled a U-
turn. It’s all over the internet.
(beat)
We’re not as happy as we could be.

Pause. Bobby looks at her.

ALICE (CON’T)
I’m not suggesting either of us is unhappy, just that perhaps
there’s more we should be doing to... renew our sense of
adventure. Statistics show more married couples renewing
their vows at ten and fifteen years. I know we’re not
married, but we’re nearing the ten-year mark, and non-married
couples have vows, too.

BOBBY
What kind of vows are you talking about?

ALICE
To excite each other. To challenge each other. To take risks,
to grow. I don’t think we ever explicitly made those promises
to each other, but I think we should have. We’re each other’s
best friends and companions, which I love, but don’t you
think there needs to be more than that?

BOBBY
More, like meeting other couples for sex?

ALICE
If it excites us.

BOBBY
We were drunk.

ALICE
I wasn’t excited by the idea just because I was drunk.

BOBBY
So you’d want us to promise those sorts of things to each
other? I, Robert, take you, Alice, as my partner in couples
cruising?

ALICE
Couples cruising. Dildos. Pornography. BDSM.
76.

BOBBY
BDS-what?

ALICE
Role-playing. Sex in public. Periods of abstinence followed
by spontaneous, passionate love-making, locking onto each
other’s eyes and clawing at each other like crazy people
because we want to absorb each other. I’m talking about our
sex life in the beginning, before we felt we’d absorbed
everything there was to take in about the other person. I’m
talking about non-routine, non-seasonal, year-round fucking --

Bobby SNEEZES. She stops, looking at
the candle.

ALICE (CON’T)
Oh.

She blows it out, fanning away the
scent.

ALICE (CON’T)
I forgot, I’m sorry. Did you smell it from the bedroom? Is
that what woke you?

The WHISTLE from the tea kettle goes
off. Bobby exits to the kitchen. Alice
looks after him for a moment, then
returns to work. He reenters with a
mug, lingering indecisively for a few
beats.

BOBBY
I was... seeing someone.

ALICE
(not paying attention)
Hm?

BOBBY
You don’t know her. We work together. She’s married. Has a
kid. We went to lunch. Me and her, not the kid. We drank. I
didn’t think anything of it. I used a condom. It happened two
more times after that. No, three. Three more times. I’m
sorry.

Long pause.

ALICE
You used a condom?

BOBBY
Yes.
77.

Pause.

ALICE
How many times?

BOBBY
I just told you.

ALICE
How many times?

BOBBY
Four.

ALICE
Did you... have feelings for this woman?

BOBBY
Yes.

ALICE
What kind of feelings?

He looks at her. Long pause.

ALICE (CON’T)
May I have my tea?

BOBBY
Sure.

He’s about to give it to her, then
stops.

BOBBY (CON’T)
Are you going to throw it at me?

ALICE
I was thinking about it.

BOBBY
Do you want to do it over there? I don’t want you to ruin
your computer.

She holds out her hand for the mug; he
gives it to her. She drinks. Long
pause.

ALICE
Are you still seeing her?

BOBBY
No.
78.

ALICE
What happened?

BOBBY
She wanted to save her marriage.

ALICE
Do you? Not your marriage, obviously. This? Us?

He looks at her. Long pause.

ALICE (CON’T)
I don’t understand.

BOBBY
I’m conflicted.

ALICE
Conflicted about what? Explain it to me, because I don’t
understand it.

BOBBY
Are you happy?

ALICE
Not right now, I can’t say that I am.

BOBBY
You know what I mean.

ALICE
I know... I know I’ve been happy.

BOBBY
But when was the last time you felt truly satisfied?

ALICE
You said “happy.” “Happy” and “truly satisfied” are two
different things.

BOBBY
That’s a problem.

ALICE
That’s life, isn’t it?

BOBBY
I don’t know. What I know is I love you, but I haven’t felt
truly satisfied in a very long time.

ALICE
But you do love me.
79.

BOBBY
Differently. Differently than I used to.

ALICE
And you don’t think I love you differently?

BOBBY
I don’t know.

ALICE
It’s part of the experience of loving another person for the
better part of a decade. All of this...
(grabbing papers from her desk)
This, the literature on human relationships, the surveys, the
reports from marriage counselors, they all say that. Many
psychologists see it as an opportunity.

BOBBY
For?

ALICE
Solidifying life bonds? Transitioning to a more stable, more
predictable form of intimacy?

BOBBY
We have that.

ALICE
No, we do not have that. We didn’t do it properly. We let the
flame go out. We never got married or had a child.

BOBBY
A child?

ALICE
Married couples with children get divorced, but those numbers
are proportionally lower than for couples without children.

BOBBY
You want a child?

ALICE
That’s not what I’m saying.

BOBBY
Do you?

She looks at him.

BOBBY (CON’T)
I do -- someday. I want... I want a kid and home in the
suburbs. I don’t like it here. I know we moved here because
of me and for awhile you didn’t like it any more than I did,
but now you’re always at that club. The way you dress --
80.

ALICE
What’s wrong with how I’m dressed?

BOBBY
Not now. Those outfits you wear to The Bunny Hole.

ALICE
To fit in.

BOBBY
The fact that you want to fit in with those people.

ALICE
For research. For work.

BOBBY
I don’t like how much you work; I never have.

ALICE
So you’re saying you want a wife who doesn’t work, who only
goes out to pre-approved locations in pre-approved attire,
and who’s primary responsibility is tending your child in the
suburbs? When have you ever wanted that?

BOBBY
It’s not as stupid as you make it sound.

ALICE
Not when I met you.

BOBBY
Can we not talk about that?

ALICE
What?

BOBBY
When we met each other. College. The things we wanted or
thought we wanted.

ALICE
I still want those things.

BOBBY
I don’t.

Long pause.

ALICE
You don’t sound conflicted.

BOBBY
I don’t know.
81.

ALICE
You don’t know?

BOBBY
I don’t know how I sound.

ALICE
You sound like it’s over.

BOBBY
I told you, I’m not seeing her anymore.

ALICE
Not with her. With us.

Pause. Bobby crosses toward the
bedroom.

ALICE (CON’T)
Where are you going?

BOBBY
Getting dressed.

He exits.

ALICE
(alone)
I didn’t think it was possible to feel this small. I don’t
see how there’s room in my body for all these pieces that
hurt so much given how little space I occupy.
(beat)
Bobby? Bobby?

Bobby reenters. He has on a t-shirt and
carries a pair of jeans slung over his
arm.

They look at each other.

ALICE (CON’T)
Can you -- see me?

BOBBY
See you?

ALICE
I haven’t grown so small that I’ve disappeared, have I?

He looks at her strangely.

ALICE (CON’T)
No, it’s just the feeling. That’s a relief. I suppose.
82.

She sips her tea. Pause.

ALICE (CON’T)
Where will you stay?

BOBBY
Hotel.

ALICE
Don’t take much. I’d like you to stop packing and leave as
soon as possible.

Bobby exits. Alice remains on stage
alone.
83.

SCENE 9

MUSICAL INTERLUDE. Continuous.

The Man with the Tiny Hat enters.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It’s cold in here.

ALICE
Is it?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Well, technically speaking, I’m not in here. I’m outdoors.

ALICE
You’re perfectly welcome to be wherever it is you’re most
comfortable.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Aren’t you comfortable?

ALICE
That’s not how I would describe myself just now.

Alice rises.

ALICE (CON’T)
I think I’m going to go to sleep for awhile.

She crosses to exit.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Remember to wake up.

ALICE
(stops)
Oh? I hadn’t realized I had the option to do otherwise.

She exits. GENTLE SOUNDS OF THUNDER AND
LIGHT RAIN. The Man with the Tiny Hat
sings.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
WHO WILL RIDDLE ME THE HOW AND THE WHY?
TREETOPS GROW SKYWARDS AND ROOTS INTO GROUND.
BUT WHAT GOOD ARE DICTUMS WHEN ALL OF A SPUR
A STORM OVERTURNS THEM, AND TREETOPS POINT SOUTH?

WHO WILL RIDDLE ME THE WHY AND THE WHO?
"I LOVE YOU," I WHISPER; AN AMOROUS SOUND.
BUT WHO CAN CONSOLE ME, MY SADNESS DETER,
WHEN SUCH LOVELY NOISES COME JUST FROM MY MOUTH?
84.

THE HOW AND THE WHO
MEAN NOTHING TO YOU,
WHO WOULD, OF THE WHY,
DEFER TO THE WHEN.
AND WHEN, FOR THE HOW,
THE WHO GOES AWRY,
TELL ME, WHAT THEN?
WHAT SAY YOU NOW?

WHO WILL RIDDLE ME THE HOW AND THE WHY?
"DREAMERS ARE FOOLISH," THE LEARNÉD EXPOUND,
AND SO THEY WOULD SHAKE US AWAKE AS A CURE,
AND DAM DREAMY WATERS, UNTIL THERE'S A DROUGHT.
85.

SCENE 10

A UPS-like store, evening. A uniformed
Jerome stands behind the counter, pen
in hand, staring intently at the pages
of an open notebook. Alice enters. She
is bundled up in a winter coat and
scarf, and carries a manila envelope.
She spots Jerome and nearly completes
an about-face before he looks up,
realizing she has seen him.

JEROME
Need help?

ALICE
What?

JEROME
Need to mail something?

ALICE
(looking at the envelope in her
hand)
Oh. Yes.

JEROME
Post office is closed.

ALICE
I know. I just came from there.

JEROME
You looked like you were about to leave.

ALICE
I was.

He looks at her. Beat. She walks up to
the counter and presents him with the
envelope.

ALICE (CON’T)
I need to mail this.

JEROME
When do you need it to get there?

ALICE
Doesn’t matter.

JEROME
The holidays are coming.
86.

ALICE
I know.

JEROME
And Hurricane Carroll.

ALICE
It’s late already. Honestly I don’t care when it gets there.

JEROME
What is it?
(beat)
I need to ask. For the computer.

ALICE
It’s a report.
(short pause)
And a letter of resignation.

JEROME
Nothing perishable?

ALICE
No.

JEROME
Could you place it on the scale, please?

Alice places the envelope on the scale.
Jerome does some key-punching.

ALICE
I thought you were a playwright.

JEROME
I am.

ALICE
(looks at the notebook)
Is that what you’re working on?
(no response)
It looks blank.

Jerome shuts the notebook -- a bit too
defensively.

JEROME
(covering)
I haven’t gotten the ideas out of my head yet. I’ve been
distracted.

ALICE
What’s it going to be about?
87.

JEROME
You don’t care.

ALICE
I’m asking.

JEROME
Why?

ALICE
(beat)
What’s your problem with me?

JEROME
My problem?

ALICE
You threatened me.

JEROME
When?

ALICE
You said I should watch what I say because you’d seen girls
like me get so small they disappear. What did you mean by
that, anyway: Girls like me?

JEROME
You were making fun of me.

ALICE
How?

JEROME
My face.

ALICE
What about your face?

JEROME
(flustered)
I don’t know. You...
(beat)
You avoid me. I see you at Bunny’s, like, every night and
every night it’s like I’m smeared in shit.

ALICE
How am I supposed to act?

JEROME
It was obvious you and your boyfriend weren’t into us. Why
did you stay? What were we supposed to think when you came
back?
88.

ALICE
I was trying to be polite.

JEROME
(contemptuously)
Polite.

ALICE
Bobby wanted to leave. He was intimidated, understandably, by
the idea of being with either one of you since he’d come
expecting to find at least one woman at that table. I needed
to know what would happen. I needed to know I hadn’t run
away.

JEROME
But you ran away later.

ALICE
I came back.

JEROME
To ask other people about their sex lives?

ALICE
Can’t you give me at least some credit for getting my feet
wet?

Beat. Jerome touches his notebook.

JEROME
It’s going to be about a girl. The play.

ALICE
A girl like me?

JEROME
She has a boyfriend. They’re tired of each other, so they
decide to swing. They get drunk and answer an ad on the
internet without realizing it was placed by two guys.

ALICE
So this play is fiction.

JEROME
The two couples meet and things go badly. One of the guys
spends most of the night hitting on the girl’s boyfriend. The
other guy isn’t very nice to her.

ALICE
The other guy is you?

JEROME
Based on me.
89.

ALICE
Well, admittedly I was pretty self-obsessed that night. I can
see how self-obsession isn’t exactly a winning quality in a
prospective sexual partner.

JEROME
The character based on me -- Guy number 1 -- he becomes
obsessed with the girl. His boyfriend gets jealous. Acts out.
Guy 1 can’t concentrate. Can’t write. Loses his job at the
post office, starts working for a private shipping company.

ALICE
I never saw you at the post office.

JEROME
I worked in the back.

ALICE
Once your character realizes where the girl lives, does he
have anything to do with the fact that she keeps getting
another person’s mail?

JEROME
(smiles)
He wants to keep her close.

ALICE
So he’s a bit of a stalker.

JEROME
Not a stalker. Just... controlling. He has issues with
control.

ALICE
That’s interesting considering that he and his boyfriend have
an open relationship. I imagine it would be hard to control
for all the possible outcomes.

JEROME
They break up. In the play.

ALICE
In the play?

JEROME
It’s no fun writing about things exactly as they happen. I’m
a playwright, not a documentarist.

ALICE
And in real life?
90.

JEROME
In real life, I saw him drink nine, ten shots at the club. He
weighs all of 140 pounds, never had more than two shots
before I had to carry him home. He tried to set me on fire.

ALICE
Did he?

JEROME
He took down the cuffs he’d drilled into our headboard. He
separated our dildos into two boxes. He took apart our sling
and packed it in boxes to send to his mother’s house.

ALICE
She must have been surprised.

JEROME
She would have been, but thank God I got my head out of my
ass long enough to really look at him. See him as I saw him
in the beginning. He’s my partner in crime. Don’t know what
I’d do without him.

ALICE
That’s really beautiful.

JEROME
He hates that I’m attracted to women, that I want us to fuck
other people. Makes him think I don’t want to be alone with
him, that we aren’t connecting. I get that. Sometimes I hate
the kink. It would be nice to fuck my boyfriend with nothing
in the bed but me and him.

ALICE
But those are problems you can work on.

JEROME
You think so?

ALICE
I don’t know.
(beat)
Don’t you? Know?

JEROME
I love him.

ALICE
I loved Bobby.

JEROME
What happened?
91.

ALICE
I don’t know. We stopped connecting. Don’t let that happen to
you.

Pause.

JEROME
Do you want to know what happens to the woman? In the play?

Alice nods.

JEROME
She gets eaten.

ALICE
Eaten?

JEROME
By a giant caterpillar.

ALICE
That’s strange, isn’t it?

JEROME
You don’t like it?

ALICE
Being eaten? No, I can’t say I find that particularly
appealing.

JEROME
You would if you were a French Absurdist.

ALICE
What happens to her before she gets eaten?

JEROME
She flounders for awhile.

ALICE
(disappointed)
Does she?

JEROME
Sure. I mean, you can’t expect a person to give up most of
what’s familiar to them and not have some difficulty
adjusting.

ALICE
So there’s more.

JEROME
More?
92.

ALICE
Floundering. Self-doubt. Crying. I’ve been doing a lot of
that. It’s pointless, really. I can cry until I’m so tired I
can barely keep my head up.

JEROME
It helps you sleep, doesn’t it?

ALICE
I suppose.

JEROME
Sleep is good for you.

ALICE
There’s that.

JEROME
Floundering can be good for you, too.

ALICE
Let’s hope so, for both our sakes.
(beat, of the envelope)
I have to pay for that.

JEROME
I’ve got it.

She looks at him. Beat. She turns away
and crosses to exit.

JEROME (CON’T)
Good luck, Alice.

ALICE
(stops)
See you down The Bunny Hole.

She exits.
93.

SCENE 11

SOUNDS OF RAIN AND WIND beating
branches against windows.

The Bunny Hole, evening. Alice is
tutoring the Prince of Hearts at the
table. She wears a blue vinyl corset
and skirt, white vinyl apron, and long,
glittery blonde wig -- a kinky riff on
Disney’s Alice. The Prince is wearing a
red cape and a pair of underwear
decorated with symbols from playing
cards.

As usual, the DJ is fast asleep at the
table; the Prince uses the DJ’s head as
a stand for his exam booklet. Between
the Prince and the DJ sits an empty
chair with a tiny hat perched on top of
it. A coffee cup sits near Alice on the
table.

ALICE
(reviewing the Prince’s work)
Yes. Yes. Ah...
(she looks at the exam booklet,
pointing)
This one’s tricky. A is the obvious choice, but if you look
back at the graph -- here -- you see that it doesn’t actually
solve the problem.
(writing on the page)
Eliminate A and what you’re left with are these three
intercepts, none of which are going to jump out at you as the
best answer. But, if you...

The Prince starts writing; she follows
along.

ALICE (CON’T)
Yes... And...

He keeps working, picks the right
answer.

ALICE (CON’T)
There you are. Not the choice you started with, but sometimes
the best choices aren’t.

She takes a sip from the coffee cup and
spits.Bunny enters, chuckling.

BUNNY
You just can’t hold your liquor, can you?
94.

ALICE
Not your liquor.

BUNNY
Relax. Enjoy the scenery. God knows plenty of men in here are
enjoying looking at you.

ALICE
It’s been six days. I’ve been boxing up my things, looking
for apartments, sending out resumes for new jobs where I
don’t have to make perfect matches, because we both know how
good I am at that.

BUNNY
God created the universe in six days and rested on the
seventh. I’m sure you could take a break and do something
enjoyable one day earlier than He did.

ALICE
I’m not ready for another relationship.

BUNNY
Who said anything about a relationship?

ALICE
I appreciate this, really... Besides, it’s not like I’ve had
any offers.

BUNNY
A man doesn’t have to march right up to you to make an offer.
It’s how he looks at you. How he smiles at you. You know
that.

ALICE
Well, sneaking alcohol into my coffee isn’t going to make me
any more receptive.

BUNNY
A little alcohol never hurt anyone.

She spots the tiny hat perched on the
chair and looks at it.

BUNNY
At least it never hurt anyone who has some sense.

Beat. She takes out her pocket watch.

BUNNY (CON’T)
(to the Prince, who has been
working)
It’s gonna get loud in here soon, honey. Why don’t you finish
that upstairs, get changed for your show?
95.

The Prince collects his things and
exits. Bunny closes her eyes and
exhales deeply.

BUNNY (CON’T)
I wasn’t gonna let him see me react.

ALICE
React?

Bunny nods at the tiny hat. A CRASH OF
THUNDER sounds outside. Bunny looks up
at the ceiling. Beat.

BUNNY (CON’T)
This new roof better hold up. Guy said it should last me at
least ten years, but that’s before anyone knew Carroll was
coming back.

ALICE
(beat, gently)
If you don’t mind my asking...

BUNNY
(of the hat)
Get rid of that, would you?

ALICE
(plucking up the hat, turning
it over between her fingers)
Obviously they like each other.

Bunny picks up Alice’s coffee mug and
drinks. She snorts/chuckles.

ALICE (CON’T)
He’s nearly an adult.

BUNNY
Is he? The fool claps for him. Brings him daisies. Leaps onto
the stage. An adult’s not taken in by any of that.

ALICE
I’m not saying it’s a good choice, but it’s his choice to
make.

BUNNY
The boy never even noticed him until the other night.

ALICE
How can you know what he notices? He doesn’t talk.

BUNNY
He talks to me. When it’s important.
96.

ALICE
Has he talked with you about this?
(pause)
Isn’t this important to him?

Pause. Bunny drinks, sets down the
empty mug. Beat.

BUNNY
You’re a smart girl.

ALICE
Sometimes.

BUNNY
So tell me, what’s to stop that boy from making a fool out of
himself? What’s to stop him from ending up just like that
fool outside?

ALICE
Is that what’s bothering you?

BUNNY
That fool wasn’t always a fool. How do you think he ended up
that way?

ALICE
He fell in love with a fool?

BUNNY
He fell in love. Over and over. Some were fools, some not,
but they all broke his heart this way or that. Cut him down
to size, then smaller. I tell you what. You might think those
hats are too small for him, but that’s only because you’re
seeing him from the outside. Outside he’s the same size as
always. Inside, those hats are the perfect fit. I am not
going to let him do to my boy what those others did to him.

The STORM SOUNDS suddenly grow LOUDER
as the offstage door to the club opens.
Bunny and Alice glance off at the door.
Bunny frowns.

ALICE
I’ll get you another drink.

Bunny nods. Alice rises, slipping the
hat into a pocket (or a purse).

BUNNY
Tell Marco to stand by.

Jerome, Kelly, and the Man with the
Tiny Hat enter.
97.

All three are soaked and storm-tossed.
Alice throws a cautioning look at
Jerome, then exits. Beat as Bunny sizes
up the three men.

JEROME
It’s getting bad out there.

BUNNY
Is it?

JEROME
Kelly, tell her.

KELLY
It’s getting bad out there.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(singing)
Who will riddle me the how and the why?

Bunny looks at him.

BUNNY
Sit him down.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
J’Accuse...!

The Man with the Tiny Hat topples over,
drunk. Jerome and Kelly attempt to get
him into the chair.

BUNNY
You two dry off upstairs --

MAN WITH TINY HAT
J’Accuse!

BUNNY
Bring down my blow dryer for this one.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I don’t need blow!

BUNNY
You need to be dried out.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(singing to the tune of “Love
is the Drug”)
Blow ain’t what I need
Love is the drug that is guaranteed
98.

BUNNY
(holding out the mug to Kelly)
And have Alice fill this with coffee.

Kelly reaches for the mug.

BUNNY (CON’T)
Just coffee.

Kelly nods, takes the mug. He and
Jerome exit. The Man with the Tiny Hat
continues to sing.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Oh, oh, catch that buzz
Love is the drug that I’m thinking of
Oh, oh, can’t you see

THE DJ
(in his sleep)
Love is the drug for me

The Man with the Tiny Hat looks at the
DJ and chuckles. Alice enters with a
drink, hands it to Bunny.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(louder, singing)
Oh, oh --

Bunny dumps the drink on the Man with
the Tiny Hat’s face. He stops for a
moment, stunned. Bunny hands the glass
back to Alice.

BUNNY
Another, please.

Alice exits. The Man with the Tiny Hat
touches his face and licks his fingers.

BUNNY (CON’T)
You asshole.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Pardon?

BUNNY
You know the kind of life that boy led before I got him?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
A life like yours?
99.

BUNNY
A life like mine. Yes. How it used to be.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
How say thou, “used”?

BUNNY
How?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Thy goods may have shifted shape, my lady, but the rate is as
usurious as ever -- for thyself most of all. Thou tradest in
fantasy now as you did then, but now at the cost of love for
thyself as well as for the boy.

BUNNY
I’ve had love.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Only if “Love” be the name of one of the knaves who had you.

BUNNY
The boy will have more options than I did. That’s what I’m
trying to give him: options. What are you gonna give him?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Love?

Jerome and Kelly (carrying a towel)
enter, accompanied by the Prince. They
stand off to the side of the stage,
listening. Alice joins them a few lines
later. She holds another drink (for
Bunny) in one hand and a mug of coffee
(for the Man with the Tiny Hat) in the
other.

BUNNY
Jumping onstage like a maniac isn’t love. Standing outside in
the middle of a hurricane just to catch sight of him. That’s
not love, it’s childishness.

The Man with the Tiny Hat stands,
indignant. Beat.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I am a man in love. My love can be as plainspoken as it is
ornate, as real as it is fanciful, as full-grown as it is
childish. It is a foolish love, because only a fool can love
as both a man and a child. It is the smashing of cups in a
stubborn fit and the reasoned exposition of a scholar. It is,
simply, love, and the only thing sadder than seeing it
destroyed is resigning oneself, permanently, to its absence.
100.

BUNNY
I love that boy, don’t I? I provide for him, keep him safe.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
It’s a terrible safety for the pair of you, no doubt, which,
like a fortress to thine enemy’s slings, makes waste of their
arrows and keeps love out.

Beat. She stares at him. He comes
closer to her, taking her tenderly by
the chin.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CON’T)
This is thy fortress, my lady. Tis a goodly fortress, for it
comforts as well as protects, but do not mistake it for the
kingdom, else t’will be as worthless as a shed, and thereby
shed its purpose.

Bunny sees the Prince and company.

BUNNY
(to the Prince)
How long you been listening?

The Prince stares at her, concerned.

BUNNY (CON’T)
The fool must have found an onion on the street and eaten it.
Must still have some of it in his teeth because the closer he
got to me, the more my eyes started to water.
(beat)
Come here for a minute, honey.

The Princes crosses to her. She looks
at him.

BUNNY (CON’T)
I wish I knew what was going on in that brain of yours.

She turns to look at the Man with the
Tiny Hat, who is dancing/slumping and
singing/mumbling. The Prince follows
her gaze.

BUNNY (CON’T)
There’s something about him you like, huh?

The Prince nods.

BUNNY (CON’T)
He brought you flowers, is that it? Makes you feel like
you’re larger than life, the most beautiful thing on earth.
(a beat of realization)
That’s why you’re always putting on a show, isn’t it? Here?
101.

On the computer? You want to be worshipped, is that it?
(beat)
Listen to me, baby. A man can’t get his hands on your heart
if he thinks you’re twelve stories tall. Being worshipped
isn’t love; it’s power. Is that what I taught you love is?

Beat. She looks at the Man with the
Tiny Hat.

BUNNY (CON’T)
(to Alice)
Real love hurts, doesn’t it.

Everyone (save the DJ) looks at Alice.

ALICE
(beat)
It hurts.
(beat)
But, in the beginning...

BUNNY
The beginning?

ALICE
You only fell in love once, but surely you remember the
beginning.

BUNNY
(beat, to the Prince)
Go on, then.

The Prince looks at her.

BUNNY (CON’T)
There are no words for the pain he’ll cause you, but that
feeling in the beginning... there’s no cocktail comes close
to making you feel as tall or as strong as that. If he gives
you that feeling, then you go to him. But you’ve got to let
him reach you, do you understand? You get down off your
pedestal, and you go to him for real.

The Prince turns to the Man with the
Tiny Hat, who has been listing to
Bunny. The Prince hesitates. Bunny
gestures to Alice; Alice retrieves the
hat and hands it to Bunny, who gives it
to the Prince. The Prince looks at the
hat, then at its owner. Alice, Jerome,
and Kelly watch as the Prince slowly
crosses to the Man with the Tiny Hat.
Bunny looks away.
102.

THE PRINCE
I have something for you.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Is it crimson?

THE PRINCE
No.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Does it make music?

THE PRINCE
No.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Does it bend two ways depending on thy temper?

THE PRINCE
No.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Then thou knowest not what thou bringest to me, for the
melody of thy voice is made sweeter by its crimson banks, and
the whole of it -- thy mouth -- is as yet a line, but thy
smile...

The Prince smiles.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CON’T)
Thy smiles are precious riches, your highness.

THE PRINCE
You make me feel special.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Many have called me that.

THE PRINCE
I used to dream someone would look at me like you do.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Many here look at you.

THE PRINCE
You’re different.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Many have called me that as well.

THE PRINCE
Different can be exciting. I like different.
103.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
I hear you’re smart.

THE PRINCE
I’m a good memorizer.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(to Alice)
Is it true, he’s smart?

ALICE
Very.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Your tutor says “very.”

THE PRINCE
Being smart isn’t everything.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
So say you to a fool.

THE PRINCE
Is it smart to love a fool?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Better to ask, is it smart to love? Many a lover has lost his
heart, his shirt, his patience, his powers of sight and
speech. ‘Tis never wise to pay such costs. But is it gracious
to love? Was there ever a more splendid means of squandering
one’s accounts? Here’s where ‘tis smart to love a fool, for
fools have no mind for figures: others may scrap and save in
love, but fools overdraw their funds.

THE PRINCE
So you’ve fallen in love too much?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
(beat)
Do not grow old, my Prince. Or, if thou must, do not, as I
did, go bankrupt for love. I drink too much, protest too
much, dream too much, but no lot of substance or fancy can
replenish what I’ve lost.

THE PRINCE
What about that stuff you were saying to Bunny? About how
important love is, and how sad it is not to have it?

The Man with the Tiny Hat looks at
Bunny; she is still turned away.
104.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
She is the miser, ‘tis true, but I am the spendthrift. So
says the spendthrift to the miser, “I shall not play
carelessly with such treasure as thou hast saved from meaner
hands than mine.” Do you hear me, my lady?

Bunny looks at him.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CON’T)
I shall not be the one to hurt him. Not now. Not ever. I
could not forgive myself such a mortal offense, even if
immortal pleasure be my loss.

Bunny and the Man with the Tiny Hat
look at each other for a beat. Then the
Man with the Tiny Hat turns back to the
Prince, extending his arm.

MAN WITH TINY HAT (CON’T)
Wilt thou do me the honor?

THE PRINCE
The honor?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
To dance, my Prince.

THE PRINCE
(gesturing at the DJ booth)
The music isn’t on yet.

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Pichst, that’s not music.
(placing the Prince’s hand on
his [The Man with the Tiny
Hat’s] heart)
Here is music. T’will not play for us much longer, for the
storm grows louder, the night is dark, and we are only young
for an hour.

THE PRINCE
Why only an hour?

MAN WITH TINY HAT
Thou hast known pain, my Prince, but thy smile assures me
thou art yet a boy. I cannot bear to hurt thee, nor therefore
to love thee. But do not be sad. My music is playing. Do you
hear it? Tonight it plays for us, though it shall play for
you always. Henceforth shall I watch thee as a king from a
thrown, made regal by the memory of this magic eve, whereupon
we danced, and you danced only for me.
105.

The Prince takes the Man with the Tiny
Hat’s arm. They exit towards the dance
floor.

Long pause. Alice crosses to the table
and sits, watching the offstage dance
between the Prince and the Man with the
Tiny Hat. Jerome and Kelly join her.
Bunny remains upstage, watching the
dance.

ALICE
There must be some way to have both.

JEROME
Both?

ALICE
A foolish love that makes you dance. A grown-up love that
makes you feel safe and cared for. There’s no algorithm for
that.
(beat, smiles)
Look at them dancing.

KELLY
I’ve never seen The Prince so...
(to Jerome)
What’s the opposite of wooden?

JEROME
Relaxed?

ALICE
In love. You’ve never seen him so in love.
(beat)
I wonder what Bobby’s doing right now.

KELLY
Don’t.

ALICE
Don’t be so conventional; I can wonder if I want to. How can
we know what we want unless we wonder about it? And right now
I’m wondering... imagining... why, I’m actually seeing Bobby
right there, by the door. He’s so handsome. He’s smiling at
me. He’s...
(long pause)
Curiouser and curiouser...

JEROME
What?
106.

Bunny approaches the three of them,
looking off in the same direction as
Alice.

ALICE
That’s not Bobby, is it?

JEROME
That guy by the door?

KELLY
The one dressed in uniform with the flashlight?

ALICE
(smiles)
He’s a security guard.

KELLY
He’s cute.

ALICE
What’s he doing here?

BUNNY
I’m thinking he came just for you. To make you an offer.

The Security Guard from Scene 7 enters,
lingering at the edge of the stage. He
is played once again by the Man with
the Tiny Hat. Alice crosses to him.

ALICE
I’d recognize your smile anywhere. The last time I saw it, I
believe I had my underwear around my ankles in the back seat
of a Pontiac Bonneville.

Pause. She turns back to Jerome and
Kelly.

ALICE
(to both)
Are you coming?

JEROME
Coming?

ALICE
You think he’s cute, right?

KELLY
Yeah.
107.

ALICE
So? Let’s dance for awhile, the four of us. Let’s be
connected. Unless you’ve suddenly lost your imaginations.

Alice and the Security Guard exit.
Beat. Jerome and Kelly look at each
other.

KELLY
Remember what I told you.

JEROME
Got it.

They stumble to their feet and rush
after Alice.

KELLY
For every minute you fuck a girl, I get you in the handcuffs
for twenty.

JEROME
I love you.

KELLY
Thirty if you make her come.

JEROME
I’ll make her come.

KELLY
If you make her come, you’re mine for the rest of the night.
(beat -- a hint of trepidation)
Do you want that?

JEROME
Just me and you.

KELLY
And the handcuffs.

JEROME
I hate those fucking handcuffs. Otherwise it’s exactly what I
want.

They exit.

The stage is now empty save for Bunny
and the sleeping DJ. Bunny looks
around.
108.

BUNNY
(to herself, with a small
smile)
Wonder...

We hear the STORM WINDS RAGING outside.
Bunny looks up.

BUNNY (CON’T)
You better hold up tonight.

She glances at the DJ, huffs, and
exits.

Long pause, then a sharp CRACK OF
THUNDER. The DJ startles awake. He
looks around frantically.

THE DJ
Where is everyone? What are those sounds? I’m scared. I’m
scared. I was about to mix from one record to the other but
then I saw there were no records on the turntables. And then
I listened and there was no music, just these sounds. Why am
I still hearing those sounds?

The STORM SOUNDS begin to fade.

THE DJ (CON’T)
Bunny?! Did I miss my set? I can’t do my set without music.
And there were no records. No music. And then I looked out
onto the dance floor, and I was alone.

The STORM SOUNDS are gone.

THE DJ (CON’T)
Everything was quiet, and I was alone.

Lights fade.