250 Novels for People Whose Attention Span Is Limited to 140 Characters

Novel 1 The Boy on the Burning Deck A boy stood on a brng dk. The fire brnd his pants off. He put on his sister¶s. People laughed, but he got a reality TV show. He is rich.

Novel 2 The Old Mormon Guy An old Mormon had mny wives. Wives who got laid MWF were happy. Wives on TThS were ok. Su wives hated hm. 1 day he ws found ded behind the brn, a knitting ndl in his hrt.

Novel 3 The Old Jewish Guy An old Jew said hah hah to his wfe. I¶m a man and ur not. She wrapped dough arnd his nk and strangled him. She savd the crcle of dough. That¶s how bagels were invented.

Novel 4 The Young Swedish Girl This yng grl was blonde and blueyed. She had big bubs and a nce ass. She got a senator in lots of trbl. She got a reality TV show. She is rich.

Novel 5 Superman A German guy nmd Nietzsche told another gy he could be Superman. The gy looked silly in red jockeys, but he dint care. He flew off a tall bldg. He died. Nietzsche laughed. Novel 6 A book for those few people, like the inmates of Charenton asylum, who would like to

read a book that has a title which is much, much longer, and has had more thought given to it, than the book of which it is the title. A little rabbit really pissed off old McGregor. He killed it.

Novel 7 The Happy Farmer Once a trvling salesman came to a frmhouse dr. A grl answered. She was ugly. The slsmn was drunk and nearsighted. He asked hr to marry him. The frmr gave him 3 goats and a Mdl A Ford.

Novel 8 The Angry Farmer Once a trvling salsmn came to a frmhouse dr. A grl answered. She was ugly. The slsmn dropped his sample case and ran. Bfr he reached the gate the frmr shot him in the ass with a 12 gage.

Novel 9 The Sad Farmer Once a trvlng salsmn came to a frmhouse dr. The frmr answered. He cried. My doter is in NY learning to play the sitar. The slsmn and the frmr got drunk and each kissed a sheep.

Novel 10 The Mad Scientist A guy invented a time mchine. He went bk 100MY and killed a moth. Wen he came bk to the prsnt, a Japanese girl in a rubbr moth suit bit him on the neck. Then they got married.

Novel 11 The Mad Scientist II A guy invented a time machine. He went bk 50Y and made luv to his mother¶s spinster sister. When he came bk to the prsnt, he had a cousin who looked just like him.

Novel 12 The Mad Scientist III A guy invented a time machine. He went 100Y into the futr. He could find no record of himself. When he came bk to the present, he wasn¶t there. He still isn¶t.

Novel 13 The Young Italian Guy This yng Italian gy had drk hair & dressed cool. He made luv to mny grls. Then he bought a Ferrari. He wnt broke and wnt to live w/ his mthr. He ate lots of pasta and got fat.

Novel 14 The Pilot A guy flew airplns. He was jealous of Amelia Earhart, so he flew a plne into the Pacific and got lost. He crshed on a litl island. There was girl there. She was really hot. He said the hell w/ Amelia Earhrt. They lived on shlfish.

Novel 15 The Pilot II A guy flew airplanes. He wore a scarf, to trail out the ckpit. Except it was a

jet, so he was sucked out over Grand Turk Island. There was girl there. She ws really hot. They lived on drinks w/ little umbrellas in the glass.

Novel 16 The Pilot/Pirate A pilot had a peg leg. He could only turn lft. He made circles over Grand Turk. He saw a grl dwn there. She was really hot. He went for her. He crashed on a coral reef. The sharks lived off him.

Novel 17 The Pirate A pirat dint lik the blk flag, so he sewed his own. It was pink, w/ lace bones. The other pirates laughed at him til they lnded at Tortuga. All the ladies there really went for the guy w/ the pnk flg. Hah hah he said.

Novel 18 The Pirate II A pirat captured the Spnish Guv¶s dotr. She said eeww ur are dirty and smelly. He took a bath. They lived happily ever after.

Novel 19 The Pirate III A flt of Brit ships trapped a pirat in a cove in the Carolinas. He asked the Indians for help. They threw a prty. Everyone got drnk on wild grape wine. They all movd to Virginia and formed the House of Burgesses.

Novel 20

Out West A cowboy had a good horse. He likd it bettern his girl frnd. She got on the train for St. Louis. The cwby tried to catch up. The horse wasn¶t as good as he thought. The grl livs in SL with a lawyer named Bob.

Novel 21 Way Out West A Spanish gy fell into the Gran Canyon. He said ouch ouch ouch all the way down. At the bottom he found gold, but his mule was still at the top. The mule is still there. He is very old and hasn¶t mvd in 100Y.

Novel 22 Way Way Out West A 49er had a dotr named Clementine. She asked him why he named her that. Dmnd if I know he said. She said ud better call me Darling or I won¶t wash ur socks. He did, but they did not find any gld.

Novel 23 So Far West It¶s East A Chinese guy was very wise. He was so wise he was misunderstood. So he stopped telling people things. 1 dy a ltl boy brt him a fish and asked what¶s this. The gy dint answer. The fish made a good dinner.

Novel 24 Even Farther West Than East A Chinese gy rode a camel into the Gobi Desert and met a Mongolian gy. Haven¶t I seen you someplace the CG said to the MG. I don¶t know the MG said. You all look alike to me. Then they had to bld a wall.

Novel 25 War I The Brits had battlshps. The Germns had the Red Baron. The Frnch had Belgium. They thot they shld hav a war. So they did. There were some heroes.

Novel 26 An Old Balkan Guy The Turks came to Serbia and kilt lots of people. Lots of Turks got kilt 2. One old gy said to Vienna you o me. No one nu why he was talking to Vienna. Vienna never even answered.

Novel 27 War I A The Princess liked Bosnia. They tattled on the Serbs. The old Balkan gy said I hate Bosnians more than I hate Turks. He shot the Prncesses bro. This made Brits kill Grmans. The OBG drank warm beer.

Novel 28 A Young Balkan Guy A yng Croat let a lot of Albanians move into Kosovo to piss off the Serbs. The old Balkan gy finished his warm beer and said I hate Albanians more than I hate Bosnians. The Young gy was boss tho.

Novel 29 The Old Slovenian and the Young Croatian An old Slovenian put his arm around the yng Croat and said don¶t do that the

Serbs are PO¶ed enuf already. They drank warm beer together and raised 101 Dalmatians.

Novel 30 The Understander of the Cosmos It¶s a Big Universe A gy with a hi forehead and fuzzy hair said the universe is finite but unbounded. What duz that mean the peepl asked. I don¶t know yet he said. They still loved him.

Novel 31 The Understander of the Cosmos II Does God Care A gy with a hi forehd and fzy hair said god doesn¶t play dice with the universe. You understand god they asked. No. I understand dice. They still loved him.

Novel 32 The Understander of the Cosmos III Schwarzchild and His Radius A gy with a hi forehd and fzy hair said there r holes where u can¶t get out. A younger gy said yes u can. They had a fight. The winner got a hot girl on Grnd Trk Island. Novel 33 The Man Who Was Not Sure A Grmn gy said there r things u can¶t no at the same time. The gy w/ fuzy hair said there¶s no such thing as the same time. They were never on the same page. They both got hot girls in Bavaria tho.

Novel 34 Call Me Jesus

A gy and his pals ran arnd together. The put all they made in the same pot and each took out what he needed. They were the first commies. They threw some good parties.

Novel 35 Call Me Jesus II A gy and his pals traveled w/ a grl named Mary M so peepl wunt no they were gay. Mary was happy, since some of the gys were bi. Mary grew a strange weed that made their parties really good.

Novel 36 The Earth Guy A yng gy asked an old gy why another old gy dint believe in Plate Tectonics. The old gy told him a story. It had dragons and eunuchs and stuff. The heroine got pregnant. No 1 nu how.

Novel 37 The Earth Guy II A yng gy asked a dumb gy why he dint believe in Global Warming. The dumb gy told him a story. It was about 6 Hindus and some sneaky other gys. The heroine had twelve arms. Peeps stopped counting at ten.

Novel 38 Biology and Sister Agatha A gy asked a dumb gy why he dint believe in evolution. The dumb gy told him a story about a nun who didn¶t look like a monkey at all. And rat mothers sometimes eat some of their babies. And that settles it.

Novel 39 The Understander of the Cosmos IV The gy with the fuzy hair needed to know something. But he dint. So he made some stuff up. Then he nu what he dint no before. So he made the same stuff down. Pretty soon he died. He should have known.

Novel 40 The Math Guy An old Greek gy looked at the grains of sand on a beach. That was a pretty big number. He made up a story about it. No one cared. He got a hot Sicilian girl and they stopped counting at ten.

Novel 41 The Math Guy II An old Greek gy put a gld crown in water. Then he ran thru twn naked shouting holy shit. While in jail he invented lots of machines. He almost invented rockets, but he met a hot girl and invented lipstick instead.

Novel 42 The Math Guy III An old Greek gy drew math picts in the sand. While he was doing this, a soldier jumped over the wall and kissed him. The soldier was discharged. The Romans had a don¶t ask don¶t tell policy.

Novel 43 Star War Treks An alien with fingers like snakes starts fondling the female captain of a space ship. 1st she says eeww then she says wait a minute that feels good. They settle on

Rigel II and start a Saturnian pod ranch.

Novel 44 Star War Treks II The cap¶n of a spc shp starts getting green spots and craves coconut milk. He lrns his hot grl 1st mate has been hanging around with aliens. He maroons her on Rigel III. She keeps hngn around with aliens.

Novel 45 Star War Treks III An astronaut crashes on a distant planet. It is inhabited by talking kangaroos. They make him a slave, but a hot grl kangaroo hides him in her pouch. They escape to a planet of talking jellyfish.

Novel 46 Star War Treks IV There is a warp in spacetime. It leads to the court of Louis XIV. In the Andromeda Galaxy no 1 noes L XIV, so no 1 is interested. The warp keeper has to go on unemployment.

Novel 47 The Artist Guy A gy nu Van Gogh. He said paint my portrait and I¶ll intro you to my sister. Van Gogh did. The gy dint. Van Gogh drank lots of absinthe. He dreamed of worms.

Novel 48

The Artist Guy II A gy nu Modigliani. He said ur very skinny. Modi said that¶s cause I¶m starving. The gy said here take this sausage. Modi gave him a pnting. The sausage was rotten. The painting sold for $1M in 1998.

Novel 49 The Artist Guy III A gy nu Pollock. He said that painting looks like shit. Pollock said that¶s what I used. The gy took Pollock home, fed him sausage, poured him absinthe, and introduced him to his sister.

Novel 50 The Great Inventor A gy said I no. I¶ll make a cotton gin. He put a bunch of cttn in water and put in a bunch of sugar and some yeast. It smelled bad. He distilled it through juniper. It tasted bad. Cotton gin is no good he said.

Novel 51 The Great Inventor II A gy said I no. I¶ll make a light bulb. He used a multi-polymer double ester junction on a three carbon trichloryl substratum with epoxy buffers and cupric methyl dioxide insulators. It dint work.

Novel 52 The Great Inventor III A gy said I no. I¶ll make a steam engine. He cunt find any wood, so he used rocks. They wunt burn, so he got them hot at a volcano. When he threw them into water, it made steam. It worked.

Novel 53 The Wolf at the Door A wlf came tp a pig¶s door. Let me in. Not on your ass. I will foreclose on your mortgage. Still not on yr ass. The wolf came back with the sheriff. They got in. Later, the wolf ate the pig.

Novel 54 The Wolf at the Door II A wlf came to a pig¶s door. Let me in. Not on your ass. I will refinance your mortgage. The pig let him in. Later, the wolf ate the pig.

Novel 53 The Wolf at the Door III This lady rang a doorbell. She told the man she knew Jesus. If he didn¶t listen to her he would go to Hell. He said fine. He was on his wy there rite now. Would she like to join him. She said ok, and they went in style.

Novel 54 Satellite World An old Egypt Greek nu the wrld was round. He wanted to no how big. He figured out how to figure it out. He made some mistakes but came close. He won a camel. A hot babe married him.

Novel 55 Satellite World II A French gy thot he cud do bettern the Grk gy. He measured lots of stuff. He also made the meter, which later pissed off lots of gys in Mississippi. He attached his world to Potsdam. That was funny. People laughed.

Novel 56 Satellite World III A Finn gy and Hungary gy did some stuff about the world. They made words like Isostasy and Free Air Reduction. People didn¶t understand, so they made words like fellatio and cunnilingus. People understood.

Novel 57 Satellite World IV Some really smrt gys thot satellites cud measure better. They made words like negative gravity anomaly. Nobody understood. So they made words like GPS and u are here. Nobdy understood, but they were happy to b here.

Novel 58 Satellite World V This gy had a crdt crd. He wanted to get cash from a mchine in Scotln, but was afraid the CIA wud no. He only had 3# in his pocket. He bought some haggis. He lived for two days after he ate it. Novel 59 Satellite World VI This gy had a 4G cell phone. He dint no what that meant. No 1 would tell him. He called his hot grl in Iran to find out. They put her in prison. The gy traded his 4G for 4 g of maryjane.

Novel 60 A Priest Went Into a Bar

A prst passed the NY bar exam. He chased ambulances. He helped people sue, or gave them last rites. Depending.

Novel 61 A Rabbi Went Into a Bar A rabbi passed the CA bar exam. He was very wise and loved to argue. He became a dfns atty. He never lost an argument. All his clients are in jail.

Novel 62 An Episcopalian Minister Went Into a Bar An Epis mnstr past the UT bar exam. He wnt befr the UT Suprme Ct to advocate for Gay Marriage. He was disbarred.

Novel 63 A Jehovah¶s Witness Walks Into a Bar A Jhova Witns walks into a bar. The tender says who¶s that little gy on ur shoulder. That¶s Satan. U will meet hm soon if U don¶t give up ur evil ways. The BT says meet Molly. She was hot. The JW lrnd to dance.

Novel 64 A Scientologist Walks Into a Bar I don¶t need alky to get drnk. I can smel the rses. The tender says gin¶s better. They argue. Elbert Hubbard appears from nowhere. He is drunk. The tender says told u so.

Novel 65

A Shaman Walks Into a Bar The shaman say ugubooguboogu. The tender says only on Fri. The shaman says nakanakana. The tender says 5 bucks. A hot shamaness says me too. They get drunk and put a curse on the village.

Novel 66 The Cursed Village This village has a curse. Every 1 has hairy teeth. They ask 7 men to save them. The men have horses and guns and fight a band of shamans. The men win, but the people still have hry teeth. So do the horses.

Novel 67 A Horse Walks Into a Bar A horse walks into a bar. I have hry teeth. Then stop smkn that bad shit and drink whiskey like a man. A hot grl named Molly sez I¶ll teach u 2 dance. The horse learns the foxtrot. He still has hry teeth.

Novel 68 Molly Runs for Office Molly sez I can solve all ur probs. She wins the guvship of CA. She fires every 1. There is an earthquake. CA falls in the sea. Molly and grls from Baywatch live. They have fun with seals.

Novel 69 Molly Moves to Argentina

Molly tells Sammy Seal don¶t cry 4 me. She meets a gaucho. He has a bolo. They catch Pampas land seals and teach them the foxtrot. They love each other and have many babies.

Novel 70 The Immortal Teeth A vampire goes to the dentist. He has a double abscess on his right fang. The dentist pulls it. The vampire dies. The tooth lives and gets a job making mouthwash commercials.

Novel 71 The Immortal Teeth II A vampire¶s right fang flies Lufthansa to Prague. It is a spy for Hugo Chavez. It falls n luv with a gargoyle on the façade of St. Vitus. They love each other and have many babies.

Novel 72 The Immortal Teeth III A vampire¶s left fang is lonely. It has no friends. It says to the bicuspid wil u b my friend. Just then the sun comes up and the vampire dies. The left fang still has no friends.

Novel 73 Molly and the Vampire A grl from Argentina meets a vampire. He bites her neck. She says ur such a

pussy. Land seals bite hrdr than that. He sez I have only 1 fang. She lends hm 1 from her collection. They have many babies.

Novel 74 The Electrician A Grk gy rubs some amber with some fur. He touches the amber to his penis. Zap. That¶s bettern sex he sez. Electra is the Grk wrd 4 amber. The Grk writes a book called the electric penis. It is a best seller.

Novel 75 The Electrician II An American gy flies a kite in a tstm. He lives. He invents a lightening rod. He invents a stove. He invents bifocals. He invents the Gulf Stream. He invents a country. He¶s dumb. He thinks electrons are protons.

Novel 76 The Electrician III A Scotch gy invents a whole bunch of equations. Only electrical engineers understand them. The are no electrical engineers. The Scotch gy writes poems and dies young.

Novel 77 The Electrician IV An elect gy delivers pizza. A hot grl answers the door. She sez oo I like that. They do things they shunt. She has a baby. The baby becomes an electrical engineer.

Novel 78 The Electrical Priest A Jesuit learns the Scotch gys equations. He wires the confessional. People now tell him the truth. He is depressed. He quits the priesthood and marries an Egypt woman. They have many babies, all Jesuits.

Novel 79 The Electrical Rabbi A Hassidim learns the Scotch gys math. He wires the Wailing Wall. People really cry now. He is depressed. He becomes an atheist. He marries a Syrian spy. They have no babies.

Novel 80 The Electrical Seventh Day Adventist An SDA learns the Scotch gys math. He make electric vegetables. The batteries run down on Saturdays and the vegs spoil. He is depressed. He quits SDA and marries a Hassidic atheist. No sex, no babies. Novel 81 The Menopausal Swede A hot Swede lady lived in a doll house. Then she got hot flashes. Then she broke her Timex. She got bloated and broke her husbands nose. Then she broke her hip. She lives alone. It is cold in Sweden.

Novel 82 The Athabascan It is cold in Athabasca land. A baby is abandoned in the forest. He is raised by wolves. He becomes a silent movie star. Talkies kill his career. He can¶t talk. And he dances like a wolf.

Novel 83 The Athabascan II An old Atha man makes a totem. It has a fish on top. The fish can¶t talk or dance. The eagle on the bottom can do both. The fish gets a reality TV show.

Novel 84 The Peace Pipe A Quechan lives hi in the Andes. He puts the sacred leaves in a pipe made of sacred rock. He can run for miles. He does. When he gets there he gathers more sacred leaves. He never eats.

Novel 85 The Pipe Peace A bunch of gys are against war. They smoke something. They go to Canada and smoke more. They work in a Canadian Dodge plant. They make shitty cars. They¶re still against war. Novel 86 Rocket Science This German gy is smart. He makes multistage rockets. He lights them with a match. He runs out of matches. Hitler fires him.

Novel 87 Rocket Science II This Grmn rkt gy teaches his kids about rkts. They get very smart. They shoot rockets at other people. Brit commandos invade their secret lair. It makes an ok movie.

Novel 88 Rocket Science III Some gys steal some Grmn rocket gys. Some other gys steal other Grmn rocket gys. Some rkt gys r gud at 1 thing, sum at another. The sum other gys mak biggr rkts. They win.

Novel 89 More Rocket Science The not sum other gys have better aim. And bigger bombs. They scare the sum other gys into not shooting anything. Everybody gets drunk on vodka and kisses an Athabascan.

Novel 90 Volcanoes A Hawaiian gy goes up this volcano. Pele burps fire. The gy kills a pig. Pele burps more fire. Lava covers the road. The gys pregnant wife has the baby in a taxi. They call it Bill.

Novel 91 More Volcanoes A convict in Iceland is thrown out of town. He hides in the mountains. Laki erupts. The townfolk think he did it. They get pitchforks. & torches. They get drunk and forget about the convict.

Novel 92 Even more volcanoes A cnvic in Iceland is thrown out of town. Laki erupts. The lava is just luke warm.

The cnvics grl is hotter. She runs off with a lawyer named Bob. Laki stops erupting.

Novel 93 Volcanoes For the Ages A Roman gy is taking a nap. Vesuvius erupts. The gy is turned to stone. Later a hot babe kisses him. He wakes up and starts a violin business. His violins are ok.

Novel 94 The Nations of Wealth A poor gy sez y? A rich gy sez the unseen hand. A blacksmith works. A whitesmith sez he shud. The unseen hand dangles from an infinite arm. It fondles a hot babe. The poor gy is still poor.

Novel 95 The Prolichariot A gy is Marx. He is not funny. He says ride with me. Poor is equal is free is happy. He fights with unseen hand. The fight is unseen. The ride is the best at Disneyland.

Novel 96 The Nations of Wealth II The Marx gy fites w/ the Whitesmith. They call each other names. They are both right. They are both wrong. India get smarter and dirtier. China get smarter and crueler. The World dies. Everybody cheers.

Novel 97 The Cheerleader This grl wears short skirts and says rahrahsisboombah. Gys get weird thots. The grl makes a porn movie. She is rich. She is lonely. She takes drugs. She goes to rehab. She is rich again.

Novel 98 The Boy Cheerleader This gy is below average. He leads cheers. He becomes President. He still leads cheers. His team loses. He is quiet. His white clothes are dirty. He makes oxyclean commercials.

Novel 99 The Outdoorsman A gy is really tuff. He lives on twigs and berries and drnks puma piss. A hot babe comes to study pumas. She sees the gy naked. Holy shit she says. He takes her to his cave. She is never seen again.

Novel 100 The Outdoorspeople This ht babe lives in a cave with this tuff gy. They are attacked by pirates. A gaucho with trained land seals saves them. The babe runs for the House of Burgesses. The land seals have many babies.

Novel 101 The Espanish Gardener A Spnsh gardener sees sumthin sinister in a window. A hot babe comes out. She makes luv to the grdner. Her hubby sees sumthing sinister in the garden. There is a murder. And a ded raccoon.

Novel 102 The Mejicano Gardener A Mex grdner grows agave behind the tulips. He makes tequila. A hot babe drnks it. They make luv. Her hubby sees them in the garden. There is a murder. And a ded squirrel. And 2 ded raccoons.

Novel 103 The Irish Gardener An Irish grdnr grow potatoes behind the tulips. He makes whiskey. A hot babe drnks it. She does an Irish jig. The grdnr tells a story about his mother. The hot babe kills him and drnks more whskey.

Novel 104 The Hot Babe Gardener A hot babe grws pot behnd the tulips. She smokes too mch and mows the lawn naked. A neighbor complains. There is a murder. The hot babe¶s hubby goes to prison. He learns crocheting.

Novel 105 Folsom Prison at Dusk The American River glides by. The prisoners sing in three part harmony. Sum paint landscapes with acrylics. Sum practice ballet. Who the fuck is Johnny Cash they ask.

Novel 106 Medico There was this god Asclepius. For healing. His priests used a lot of opium and dull scalpels. Some peeps lived. A gy Hippocrates thot he cud do better, but his wife Irma wunt let him out for night school.

Novel 107 Medico II There was this gy Semmelweiss. He was a gyno doctor. He washed his hands between patients. They sed what are we icky you pussy. He invented the stethoscope. Nobdy cared. He opened a peanut stand.

Novel 108 Medico III There was this dctr. He made a potion for purple mahungus. It turned him into a monster. Then a hot babe showed him her appendix scar. He became a Baptist and did faith healing.

Novel 109 Medico IV There was a dctr on TV. He told peeps how to lose wt. They lost a total of 1M# but it was all in 1 place. They were all rabbit asses with pot bellies. The dctr opened a Toyota dealership.

Novel 110 Child Care A lady has many babies. All they have to eat is cardboard boxes that Nikes come in. Nike uses them in a commercial. They can buy burgers at McDon¶s. Then they go back to eating cardboard.

Novel 111 Child Care II A famous lady adopts a little mermaid. She has a nice swimming pool, but it¶s not salt water. The Fish Society takes the case to the Supreme Ct. All recuse. The mermaid gets a job at McDon¶s.

Novel 112 Ghosts and Chains There is this haunted castle. Wind blows. Chains rattle. An invisible dog howls. There is a party. The dog pees in the punch bowl. No 1 noes except Cinderella. She laffs when the Prince drinks the punch.

Novel 113 Ghosts and Chains II There is this hotel in Maine. It is cold. A man bites a werewolf. The WW turns into a human. A sign on a punch bowl says here¶s johnny. But the WW pees on a grease fire and saves everyone.

Novel 114 Ghosts and Chains III A blithe spirit haunts an obviously phallic lighthouse. She is happy until the CG decommissions it. She sues, but the jury can¶t see her. She haunts a missile silo. Missiles are bettern Fresnel lenses.

Novel 115 Ghosts and Politics The House of Burgesses is haunted. Ghosts of land seals roam the halls. A naked tuff gy is called in. He uses Kung Fu. The Ghosts give up and sing in harmony who the fuck is Johnny Cash.

Novel 116 Ghosts and the New York Philharmonic Eric Leinsdorff is guest conductor. An old lady ghost thot his beat was too fast. He finished Beethoven¶s 7th 2 min 2 soon. She puts a curse on the French horns. They all go flat within a year.

Novel 117

Ghosts and Quantum Mechanics Some things happen in Planck space. They are virtual. They could be ghosts.

Novel 118 The Ghost of Columbus Day Past An Italian gy does some illegal stuff. He gets rich. His priest dies and comes back as a rabbi. The rabbi sez give to the poor. The Ital gy sez ok look at that poor babe with a nice ass.

Novel 119 The Holy Ghost This kid goes to confession. I masturbated. How many times. I don¶t know. The Holy Ghost does. Does he count. I don¶t know just say 5 our fathers and 5 hail marys. Novel 120 The Holy Ghost II This kid goes to confession. I masturbated on the Holy Ghost. Wat do u mean. I got my sheets dirty. 5 OF & 5 HM. Is that all. Ur mther can wash the HG. Next time use a kleenex.

Novel 121 Sasquatchus Bigfutini Two gys are in the woods drnkn Lonestar. A big hairy gy comes up. Give me ur beer or I¶ll kick the shit out of you. They run to the sheriff. He sez is my Cousin Elmo in town again.

Novel 122 SB II

2 gys are drnkn Lonestar. A big hairy gy comes up. It sez me want sum. They ask it to join the Moose Club. It wins that yrs award for charity work with foster kids. It is grand marshal in a parade.

Novel 123 SB III Two Bigfoots are drnkn Lonestar. A gy comes up. Give me your beer or I¶ll kick the shit out of you. The sheriff finds his body in a hollow log. Cousin Elmo he cries.

Novel 124 The Pot Farm The sheriff has a cousin. Elmo grows pot in the forest. Here, Elmo. Take this gun and guard the farm. OK. A hot babe comes along. Hello big boy. The gun goes off. In the Fall there is Littlefoot.

Novel 125 The Pots Farm The sheriff has a cousin. He grows pots. Big pots and little pots. He gets his pot metal from the Chinese. It has lead and cadmium in it. Folks die. The villagers come with torches and pitchforks.

Novel 126 The Pots Farms

The sheriff has a rich cousin. He has many pots farms. He sells pots to Macy¶s. The buyer is a hot babe. In her office is a Ming Pot. He breaks it while trying to feel her up. They move to Mendocino and grow pot.

Novel 127 Alien Fiends Hungry aliens come. They feed on humor. They steal every copy of every Marx Bros. movie. The Earth gets very sad. Then the aliens die of a Three Stooges virus. The Earth is happy again.

Novel 128 Alien Fiends II A flying saucer lands. A man gets out. You earth gys are assholes. His robot kills everyone. The saucer flies away. It crashes into the Enterprise at a four way stop. Everybody dies.

Novel 129 Alien Fiends III A talking potato lands in Ireland. The folks mob it. Please don¶t eat me. Jonathan Swift suggest they eat babies. They feed Jonathan Swift to the potato. Everybody dies happy.

Novel 130 Alien Fiends IV A talking Ire lands in Potatoland. Why are you mad Mr Potato asks. It¶s what

I do you moron. Potato pulls off his nose and stabs the Ire. The Ire spits fire. They both die sad.

Novel 131 Alien Fiends V Aliens make huge signs in wheatfields. They are ads for Erectile Dysfunction. They will send pills in a plain box. 29.50 for a month¶s supply, plus shipping and handling.

Novel 132 Dirty Rotten Spies This gy is tied to a chair. A gy with an eye patch sez ve haf vays to make you talk. He burns his elbow with a cigar. The gy sez 2 tsp of mayonaise. The eye gy sez dis vil vin ze var.

Novel 133 DRS II The envelope is stamped top secret. The other side is stamped bottom secret. The gy doesn¶t know what to do. He moves to Brazil and has gin and tonics with Martin Bormann.

Novel 134 DRS III The gy is a rare book dealer. He only has one book. It is the key to all the codes used by the Paraguayan Navy. A hot babe steals it. She sells it to a one eyed

tailor. He could only read with the eye that went blind.

Novel 135 DRS IV A cowboy spy has a top secret goat. The goat bleats two different codes. The other cwby spy confuses the codes. He shoots the hot babe and kisses the horse. The first cwby spy sez o shit.

Novel 136 DRS V A Japanese cwby spy herds sea cumbers into a secret code formation. There is Ainu uprising. It is suppressed by Russian cwby spies. Japan and Russia make peace, but keep spies in Moscow and Tokyo.

Novel 137 Front Pages A daring reporter infiltrates the mob. Call himself Bony Spumoni. Mob gys laff. R U shitting us. Editor gets own newspaper with fish in it. Assistant editor sez this means its Friday.

Novel 138 Metro Section City cncilmn caught with young wmn in library. I was just reading to her. Open book is city tax code. Wmns panties in cncilmns pocket. Daring reporter breaks story. Thursday club has meeting.

Novel 139 Sports Pages Mudcats win chmpionshp. Star pitcher caught with yang wmn in dugout. I was just reading to her. Open book is season stats. Wmns panties hanging in batting cage. Daring reporter breaks story.

Novel 140 Sports Pages II Daring reporter follows golf pro. Catches golf pro making luv to tennis pro. Tennis pro sends flowers to soccer coach. Soccer coach has another wife in Schenectady. Footbabll coach is Japanese spy.

Novel 141 Financial Pages Buffates sells all his stock in GE. The market crashes. A daring reporter investigates. The reporter¶s grl is held captive in an abandoned factory. A Japanese cwby saves her.

Novel 142 Drama 101 Vladimir Grabowski is the richest Protestant in Poland. The Pope hates him. A mysterious priest appears in Krakow. It rains. A black sedan run over a hot babe. Vladimir is still rich.

Novel 143 Drama 101 II On a dusty country road a dog howls. Farmer sez shut up bitch. His wife howls. Shut up bitch. A shot rings out. A while buffalo breaks down the garden gate. The gored frmr sez shut up bitch.

Novel 144 Drama 101 2 III Myrna is skinny. Her husband is old. Her waitress uniform is stained. A stranger comes n for cofee. Kill my husband and I¶ll get bigger tips. The strngr gags on the coffee. Everybody dies.

Novel 145 Romance True Molly run thru a field of bluebells. Gabriel blows his horn. She blows Gabriel¶s horn. They lock in an embrace. I can tell, I can feel and some other BS. Blubirds sing. Molly lvs him there with his pants down.

Novel 146 Romance Too True This gy is a longshoreman. He has big muscles. This hot babe in a cotton

dress watches him work. She sez oooo. He¶s rather drink beer. That nite they rob a bank. In the shootout, 2 cops die in each other¶s arms.

Novel 147 French Romance Pierre has a wife and three mistresses. They have sex in various permutations. Only two of the five really love each other. They die in the end. The others toast them with absinthe.

Novel 148 Italian Romance Gina makes luv to Marcello. Marcello makes luv to Sophia. Sophia makes luv to Carlo. Carlo makes luv to his Ferrari. The Ferrari gets a Bugatti pregnant. They name the baby Fiat. They wash it in Lux.

Novel 149 Scandinavian Romance Bjorn luvs the fjords. They never aren¶t beautiful. 1 day he finds a hjot blond babe in the middle of his fjavorite fjord. Ympin¶ yminy he sez. U r bettern lute fisk. You betcha she winks.

Novel 150 English Romance 3 jolly coachmen sit in an English tavern. Let¶s get some grls 1 sez. But the other two fall in love with the barmaid. They flip white feathers to see who gets her. The loser goes to the Sudan.

Novel 151 War and Piece A czar is cold. I no. Let¶s have a war. Maybe I can get a piece of Finland. At least the cannons will keep me warm. His wife sez you need something. She has blue eyes that never blink.

Novel 152 Pieces of War An old China gy sez don¶t hav a war if you can¶t win. So the other China gys just have little wars here and there. They still lose. So they invent checkers. Sometimes they win.

Novel 153 Wars of Pieces A yng China gy wins little wars here and there. He gets of little piece of here and a little piece of there. It goes well until he runs into the czar. The czar has a wife with blu eyes. And lots of cannons.

Novel 154 English Comedy An English gy has big feet. He sings like a bagpipe. Crowds laff. War. He goes to Gallipoli. He tells jokes in the trenches. Nobody laffs. He trips getting out of the trench. Turks kill every 1 but him.

Novel 155 Serbian Comedy An Albanian falls down the stairs. A Bosnian slips on a banana peel. An Albanian and a Bosnian run into each other and bump heads. A Turk falls on his sword.

Novel 156 Argentinean Comedy It is snowing. A Tierra del Fuegan is naked. He is fine. A missionary says get dressed. The del Fuegan catches pneumonia. The missionary says it better this way.

Novel 157 South African Comedy A Great White Shark learns the ingénue part in 42nd St. He is an understudy. The lead breaks her leg. The shark can¶t tap dance. He eats the producer.

Novel 158 Australian Comedy A bushman loses his hat in the bush. A hot babe finds it. An aborigine sees her and thinks she¶s a goddess. A croc eats them all.

Novel 159 Searching For Things An English gy sez I wil find the S Pole. He gets some Siberian ponies. A gy in a Weddell seal suit sez what the hell are those. Every 1 laffs except the English gy. He doesn¶t find the Pole.

Novel 160 SFT II A Norsky gy sez I wil find the S Pole. He gets some Huskies. No one laffs. They never laff in Norway. He lives on lute fisk & apples. He finds the Pole. Back at the boat they get drunk. No one laffs.

Novel 161 SFT III A Wales gy sez I will find the source of the Nile. He searches in Indiana. He finds moonlight on the Wabash. He calls it Lake Victoria. He goes down in history and is honored by the Queen.

Novel 162 SFT IV An African gy sez I will find the source of the Nile. His wife sez what the hell are you wading in. He calls it Lake Victoria. They open a trattoria and make excellent pizza. No one remembers their name.

Novel 163 SFT V An Ital gy sez I will find India. He sails west. No one hears from him. Some think he went off the edge of the world. Years later a bottle floats ashore in Ireland. The bottle is empty.

Novel 164 A Tall Handsome Stranger This gy rides into town. He has no name. His horse is called Pretty. He orders milk in the saloon. A bully sez hah. He kills the bully. They elect him mayor. He leaves twn with the money and the dentist¶s wife.

Novel 165 A Handsome Tall Stranger A gy is a POW in a Luftstalag. He plays chess with the commandant. He speaks English with a German accent. They think he¶s speaking Grm. He escapes. He opens a small store in Dusseldorf.

Novel 166 A Stranger Handsome Tall A spy gets the secret opal ring from a hot babe. She dies in his arms. Her last words are salami on rye. He vows vengeance. He tracks the Algerian spy to Buenos Aires. They get married.

Novel 167 Handsome Tall A Stranger A spy and his partner are gay caballeros. They have a sandwich shop in Ushuia. They serve salami/rye. When a Russian orders 1, they kill him. Oooops. Wrong gy. They kill 3 Russ before they get the right 1.

Novel 168 Tall Handsome A Stranger A gy comes to sml twn. Keeps blinds closed. Kids think house is haunted. Hot babe brings cookies. Moves to NY with stranger. Picture of her in chorus of 42nd St., next to shark.

Novel 169 Stranger Handsome Tall Hot gy goes to by dress for hot grl. Salesgrl not hot. Squirts perfume in his eyes. Hot gy bekums blind concert pianist. Plays Rachmaninoff at Carnegie. Gets lots of hot grls. Salesgrl fired. Bkums bank rbbr.

Novel 170 Stranger Tall Handsome Tall handsome goes to West Point. Scores winning TD against Navy. Cheats on exams. Joins CIA. Has face altered to look Japanese. Dies in Kyoto from poison bell polish.

Novel 171 Spartapussy Women gladiators fight in thongs. Sellout crowds. Spartapussy big draw. SP drugged by nemesis Pussyspartus. Loses. Sent to caves in Cappadocia. Lives out life as olive oil squeezer.

Novel 172 Spartapussy II 1st Empress of Rome, Caesaria Romera, crosses Rubicon. Finds sick Celts sewing sacks. Sacks city, kills Kelts. Queltic queen Quanona curses all Romans. It does no good. Caesaria dies happy during orgasm.

Novel 173 Prophets God sez to this gy take this sacred fruit. Gy sez that¶s a bell pepper. Take it anyway, asshole. Gy takes the fruit to Samaria. Meets a hot babe. They have three sons. One is Hercules.

Novel 174 Prophets II God sez to this gy take this sacred oil. Gy sez it¶s saturated fat. Take it anyway, and melt it. The gy opens a pie shop in Jerusalem. He makes pork pies for Reform Jews. He gets rich.

Novel 175 Spartapussy and the Prophet On the road to Damascus SP has a seizure. She sees a Corinthian eunuch risen from the ded. He helps her mend her torn robe. They both eat mushrooms. The eunuch falls down a rabbit hole.

Novel 176

Prophets III God sez to a gy read the hndwrtng on the wal. It sez for a good time call Sheri, XIXXCLD. The gy finds Sheri. She is not so hot. He marries her. They have three sons. None of them are Hercules.

Novel 177 Spartapussy and Caesaria Romera Two women are lovrs. They get a prophet to inseminate CR. She has a son she calls Hercules, but he is not. He is a nerd. Even skinny prophets kick sand in his face. He moves to Serbia to spy on Turks.

Novel 178 Terrance of Arabia A gy moves to the desert. Puts on keffiyeh. Bedouins call him boss. Loots a French fort. Legion soldiers curse him. Moves to Keokuk. Opens a donut shop. Votes for Harding.

Novel 179 Old Terrance of Arabia A gy moves to desert. Puts on keffiyeh. Bedouins laff at him. Loots a Bedouin camp. Gets chased to Casa Blanca. Opens a donut shop. Becomes world famous for date donuts.

Novel 180 Young Terrance of Arabia

A gy moves to desert. Puts on keffiyeh. No one notices. Loots the lotion dispenser in a woman¶s rest rm. Get chased to Seattle. Opens a coffee shop. Dies sleepless and unknown.

Novel 181 The Prophet and Spartapussy A prophet is wearing a keffiyeh. Leading a Roman legion, SP rips it off. It is John the Baptist. He baptizes her. He laughs at her wet T shirt and small breasts. She kill him.

Novel 182 The Shield of Codor A dragon eats a herdsman and swallows the golden amulet of Pholob. Pinkyboy is given the Shield of Codor and told to sift the dragon shit until he finds the amulet. The dragon swallows Pinkyboy.

Novel 183 Book Two of The Shield of Codor Now the dragon shit has the Shield of Codor and the golden amulet of Pholob. Pinkyboy¶s daughter, Skankygirl, is given a second shield and goes to sift dragon shit. The dragon swallows her, too.

Novel 184 Book Three of The Shield of Codor

A smarter king is in power. He gives Gorgonzola, the last hero, a colander and sez go at night wen the drgn ain¶t ther. Gorgy sifts three tons of shit. The drgn still has 2 Shields of Codor and the Pholob thing.

Novel 185 The Shield of Codor - Epilogue A drgn has a martini on a terrace overlooking the Med. He wears a nice amulet. A hot babe asks where he got it. She marries the drgn and decorates their villa with 2 pretty shields.

Novel 186 The Monk A mnk prayed. Lord if u can¶t help me fr hvn¶s sake don¶t help that bear. He walks in the woods. A bear eats him. A beautiful Manzanita bush grows out of the bear shit.

Novel 187 Another Monk A mnk prayed. Lord u helped the bear. The Lrd sayeth no I helped a Manzanita bush. The mnk brews manzanita tea and becomes St. Francis. All the bears love him.

Novel 188 A Third Monk A monk prays Lrd let me b good but not 2 soon. The Lrd sayeth you can wait til

ur 85 if u live that long. The monk sees a lite in the chapel. A votary cndl has exploded. He gets good rite away.

Novel 189 A Defrocked Monk A monk prays Lrd let me b good but not 2 soon. The Lrd sayeth I¶ll think about it. The monk sayeth while ur thnkng I¶ll slip it to Sister Agatha. She¶s hot. The Lrd sayeth ur fired. Novel 190 Our Man in San Jose This spy gy frm Costa Rica tries to get US nuclear secrets. They will make a bomb to scare Nicaragua. He is a janitor at Los Alamos. There are no bombs there. He dies a janitor.

Novel 191 Our Man from San Jose This gy from CR is Percy Santamaria. He is master of the spy wrld. He can steal any secret. He steals a lttr from a mail box. He lrns he may have already won $1M.

Novel 192 Our Man with San Jose Santamaria joins Alvin San Jose. They steal plans for the Norden bomb sight. San Jose sez now we must steal Norden bombs. They can¶t find them. They steal cherry bombs and sell thm in a Chinese laundry.

Novel 193 Our Man for San Jose Santamaria moves to California. He tries to steal the minutes of the San Jose

City Council. Too late. They are already in the newspaper. He steals a newspaper from a crippled paper boy.

Novel 194 Our Man through San Jose A crippled paper boy sez Bazam and becomes Capt. CA. He flies Santamaria high. Give back the paper or I will drop you. SM duz, but CC drops him anyway. He falls into the men¶s pool at Stanford. Novel 195 Our Man before San Jose Santamaria is a child spy. He tattles on his classmates. He is teacher¶s pet. His classmates beat him up. They are all sent to Nicaragua. They plot to capture CR. SM decides to steal the A bomb.

Novel 196 Fairies and Things A good fairy taps an ugly gy with her wand. He gets uglier. Oh shit my wand¶s not working. She tries to break it over her knee and breaks her knee cap. The very ugly gy is her nurse in the hospital.

Novel 197 F & T II A really ugly gy is a nurse. Most of his patients die. A fairy tries to save some with her wand. They turn to stone. Oh shit goddamm wand again. She breaks her other knee.

Novel 198 F & T for Two A fairy is in the hospital. The food is lousy. She tries to make it better with her wand. It comes out good but Martha Stewart sez eeww. The fairy turns MS into a

Turkish weightlifter.

Novel 199 The Fairy and the Lone Ranger A fairy sees a masked man on a white horse. Oh shit a bad gy. She turns him into a small girl in a pink dress. The grl draws her pistols and shoots the fairy in the kneecaps. Hah hah missed sez the fairy. Novel 200 The F & the LR & Tonto An Indian sees a little grl in a pink dress. She has a black mask. That you quiemo sabe? Yes. Quick. Get my horse. Get ur own goddam hrse. The F turned Tonto into a little grl in buckskin.

Novel 201 Knights and Ladies Pirates lurk on the Rhine. A knight with white armor sez I will protect you mlady. Pirates from the maushaus jump on their barge. The knight kills them but the barge sinks. The lady calls him a dumb shit.

Novel 202 Ladies and Knights Joan of Arc wears her armor for 40 d. She smells bad. A knight sez I¶d protect you but I can¶t get near you. They burn her at the stake. She smells better.

Novel 203 Knights and Daze Lou Costello is a knight. He fights Frankenstein¶s monster. They both fight the Wolfman. The Wolfman loves Audrey Totter. She is bitten by Dracula. Bela Lugosi never loses his accent.

Novel 204 Days and Nights Noel Coward has a fight with Cole Porter. Each claims the right to fight Earnest Hemingway. Norman Mailer sez I did that already. Faulkner sez I did it with words. Nobody is naked. Everybody is ded. Novel 205 Fights and Daze Joe Louis fights Rocky Marciano. It last 67 rnds before everyone goes home. 2 gys in a bar argue about hu is best. They fight. It lasts 67 rnds before everyone is 2 drunk 2 care.

Novel 206 Fame A movie star drinks too much, beats his wife, takes blow, smokes pot, and hates everybody who isn¶t Catholic. This makes work for 1K peeps, and the economy of America soars.

Novel 207 Smart Guys 4 gys figure out how to invest lots of money. It is so much nobody can keep track. Every 1 thnks they are rich. The money is really on a yacht at Monte Carlo. Hot grls are expensive.

Novel 208 The Paleontologist Billy finds bones of a brontosaurus near Beijing. Billy brags to a broad in a

Beijing brothel. The broad boasts to her brother Bui. Bui bumps off Billy for the brontosaurus bones. Bummer.

Novel 209 A Better Paleontologist Brad buys the bones from Bui. He binds birdwing bones to the brontosaurus bones, and brags about the biggest bird that every lived. He gets the Nobel Prize for bullshit.

Novel 210 The Tired Drummer A rock band has a gig in Hamburg. They need a drummer. The find a gy hu¶s really gud, but he¶s sleepy. They give him Mtn Do. Their next three albums go platinum.

Novel 211 The Extra Tired Drummer A country band has a gig at the Gran Ol Opry. They need a drummer. They find a gy asleep in the back of the bus. They hire him. He sleeps through the whole performance. No 1 notices.

Novel 212 The Tired Drummer Extra A jazz quartet has a backup drummer. He never plays. He goes to the beach at San Clemente and sleeps in the sun. He gets burnt. That night they need him. He can¶t play. They r fired and go surfin.

Novel 213 The Not Mad Scientist A science gy makes an electric bike. He likes to fish. He rides the bike to the bait store and the pier. A wave washes him into the ocean. He lands on Gilligan¶s Island. He boffs Ginger.

Novel 214 The Truly Great Mad Scientist Dr. Stiffinger makes a death ray. It will only kill evil people. He turns it on. It kills every 1 in Oz except 2 blind Munchkins. A telegram comes for Auntie Em. She is ded 2.

Novel 215 The Truly Mad Great Scientist Dr. Fingstiffer makes a death ray. It will only kill good people. He turns it on. No one notices.

Novel 216 The Mysterious Barber A barber shop is a front for the CIA. People come in and bet on horses. The secret code is Daisy Mae in the 9th. A lil grl comes in. I¶m Daisy Mae in the 9th grade. The barber kills her.

Novel 217 The Mysterious Barber of Seville Un barberia es un frent para el CIA. Gente vienen y se ganan por los caballos. La coda secreta es Maria en novena. A muchachita viene. Soy Maria en novena. El cortero la mata. Novel 218 The Mysterious Barber of Munich A barber shop is a front for the Gestapo. People come in to avoid concentration camps. A fraulein comes in. The barber sez ve haf vays to make you talk.

Novel 219 Thr Mysterious Barber of Munich - Part II The girl sings Pamina¶s aria from Act II of Mozart¶s Magic Flute. The barber gives her his Enigma machine. She becomes a U boat commander and is killed in the Battle of Leningrad. Novel 220 The Battle of Leningrad Igor is starving. The Germans throw a party on the Bismarck, with really nice pastries and helium balloons. Igor eats cream puffs but still hates Germans. They all get drunk on warm beer.

Novel 221 The Battle of Britain Igor joins the Polish Air Force. He flies for the RAF. He shoots down a Junkers bomber. He gets to drink warm beer and kiss British grls. He thanks Germans for the chance to get laid in London.

Novel 222 The Animal Lover

A gy hates cats. He meets a hot babe. She luvs cats. He sez he duz 2. Her cat makes him sneeze. He can¶t get an erection. The babe cries. The cat purrs. The gy writes a hit country song.

Novel 223 The Animal Trainer A gy has a dancing bear. It will only dance to Yankee Doodle played on a harpsichord. The gy can¶t find YD sheet music. He can¶t find a harpsichord. He goes homeless. The bear eats him.

Novel 224 The Bird Trainer A gy has a talking mynah bird. The bird only speaks Japanese. The gy puts him in a Kabuki theater. The mask doesn¶t fit. The bird goes crazy and dies in an asylum. Novel 225 The Man Who Used Rabbits in Cosmetic Tests A gy put chemies in bunny¶s eyes to see if it hurt. It did. He felt bad. He went to Tibet and asked a guru for help. The guru said rabbits are good with Pinot Noir and basil.

Novel 226 Blues Cousins Ma mama throwed me out. Ma mama throwed me out. She opened up that big oak doah and she flat throwed me out. Wah wah, wah wah, wah wah, wah wah.

Novel 227 Blues Second Cousins I saw a girl awalkin¶. She scared the shit out o¶ me. She had muscles like a Mozam ape. And legs just like a tree. She was my beauty, she was. She was my

beauty, she was.

Novel 228 Blues Second Cousins, Once Removed That girl she grabbed me by the balls and turned my ass around. My soul got twisted in her hands. I landed on the ground. She was my mama, she was. My sweet ol¶ mama, she was.

Novel 229 The Action Hero A gy is on a tall bldg. A chopper is shootn at him. In the chppr is a Colombian w/a mustache. The hero gy shoots of the stache. It trns out to be a hot babe. She gives up coke. They have mny babies.

Novel 230 The Hero¶s Action This gy goes in a mine. A Colombian w/a blk stache has diamonds and dynamite. The hero makes dinner. The stache falls into the soup. It is hot babe. She gives up dynamite. They have many babies.

Novel 231 The Action¶s Hero This gy climbs K-2. Three hot babes are there 1st. They all have black staches. They do a menage-a-quatre. The Hero takes them to Katmandu. A monk blesses all four of them. They have many babies.

Novel 232 At Last Action From a Hero A hero strts shootn bad gys. He kills 44. There are 144 more. He chases them in cars. He runs down 41 peepl + a fruit cart. He kills all the bad gys + all the liberals in the Vietnamese parliament.

Novel 233 Nancy¶s Birthday Mom is a pole dancer. She luvs ltl Nancy. She gives Nancy a pole for her bday. Nancy gets real good. She becomes CEO of Megacorp. She poles dances at brd mtngs. I owe it all to mom.

Novel 234 Mom¶s Birthday Ltl Nancy gets a job. She does lap dances. She teaches mom how. Mom is better than Nancy. Nancy gives her stiletto heels for her birthday. They have balloons and a non-alcoholic punch.

Novel 235 The Serial Killer A gy likes to kill peepl. He also kills kittens and pandas. He is not nice. Then he goes to Canada and kills the gys who kill baby harp seals. Greenpeace is confused. Some women die of pneumonia.

Novel 236 A Serious Serial Killer A gy kills people by putting cobras in their mailbox. 1 person is immune. The killer puts peanut butter in his Cheerios. The prsn still doesn¶t die. The killr uses a small nuclear weapon.

Novel 237 The Serious Person the Serious Serial Killer Couldn¶t Kill A killer gy riddles a person with depleted uranium bullets. The prsn appears to die, but a giant yellow lobster emerges from the corpse. The lobster reads Sartre aloud. Only his feelers are existential.

Novel 238 The Philosopher Astronaut This gy goes to Uranus. He can¶t find uranium. He goes to Neptune. He can¶t find Neptunium. He goes to Pluto. He can¶t find Plutonium. He sez I bet Superman is bullshit 2.

Novel 239 The Eulogizer A gy is at a funeral. He was a grt gy he sez. He made us all laugh. The body sits up. And you all made me cry it sez. The crowd stampedes. The corpse lays back down. A cat pisses in the alley.

Novel 240 The Saintly One A gy dies. St. Pete says you pushed a litl ol ldy off a cliff. The sy sez she was dying anyway. I saved her family money. They gave the $ to the poor. A litl kid dint starve. St. Pete sez don¶t pass go.

Novel 241 God God¶s name is Bob. Bob doesn¶t like Micronesians. He makes volcanoes and tsunamis. Peepl throw a virgin in a volcano. It spits her back out. Bob sez try that fat gy with a wig.

Novel 242 Another God God¶s name is Irene. Irene is a lesbian. She resents penises. She makes them fall off every man in South Africa. One gy sez I will play with jacks instead. Irene makes him a grand marshal.

Novel 243 God of a Lesser Child Ltl Amy says her prayers. She wants a car for daddy. One day a red wagon with a Briggs and Stratton engine appears in the garage. Amy sez thank you god. Daddy says r u shitting me.

Novel 244 The Mountaineer Hi in the Alps an oleander grew. An ol man came. What are you doing here. The ole said I like it. The ol man said you don¶t belong. He killed and made tea from the leves. It killed him.

Novel 245 Son of the Mountaineer A yng gy sez I can climb higher than u. The other gy sez let¶s see. They go to the Andes. A shaman sez I can get u higher. He gives them coco leaves to chew. Pretty soon they can fly.

Novel 246 Grandson of the Mountaineer A 12 yr old climbs Mt. Everest. He comes down when he is 56. What did u do up there. Up where. On top of Everest. Is that where I was. I thot I was in a bar in Kansas City.

Novel 247 The Honky Tonk A gy is in a bar in KC. I could climb Mt. Evrest. Bartender sez uve had enuff. A hot babe sez I bet u cud. They go to Nepal. The hot babe gets Chlamydia from a monk. The gy climbs a dumpster.

Novel 248 The Freudian Monk

A monk sez sometimes orange cloth is just a robe. An Austrian Jew says sometimes it¶s ur mother. Sometimes it¶s a rabbi, but only if there is no God.

Novel 249 Our Father A gy has 3 wives. Each has a child. They come to a river. There is a small boat. He can only put 2 people in the boat at the same time. A wife can¶t go with her own child. They use the bridge.

Novel 2457 Which Art in Heaven 2 gys went to heaven. Both were named Art. St Pete said one of you duznt belong. Pete flipped a coin Call it. Heads sez one. I wanted heads. Its tails sez Pete. Which Art is in heaven.

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