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If you do it from a place of “I have to”, you’re going to get a carnation wrist-corsage. If you’re into it, a nice classy bouquet. Deepthroat and ball tug = two dozen long-stem roses. And, ladies, really… you don’t need an excuse to get flowers, do you? You always want to date someone slightly less attractive than you are. You want them to be worried about whether or not you are going to cheat, not the other way around. If you aren’t rich, famous, good-looking or have an enormous cock, you are going to end up with someone fat. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. So please take honest stock in yourself and ask, “Is it really worth me going up to that girl and being shot down when I can just scan the room for a ‘chubby’ one?” MANAGING “CRAZY” I will be the first one to tell you that there is nothing better than fucking a crazy woman, but you have to “manage the crazy”. If possible, you want to have sex with her at her house. You don’t want to be dragging some insane chick into your home because a few drinks have blurred your judgment. Remember, she will know where you live and that is a major no-no. If worse comes to worse, fuck her outside, but nowhere near your license plates… again, that could lead her to your house. The crazy ones always make the best sleuths. Crazy women have something to prove. Someone at some point very early in their lives didn’t give them enough attention and they will do anything for it; including, but not limited to: performing really dark dramatic monologues they learned in class that week or sucking your balls on the first hook-up. About the balls, I’ve had crazier things happen to me, but I don’t want to get the average guy’s hopes up. Though I would tell you to be prepared for some Ibsen. Some women like to put on a show and make you think they are crazy. They are fun too, but don’t be fooled by them. It’s a fine line between someone who is crazy and someone who will act as though she’s crazy to please you. It’s the difference between fucking the homeless woman you saw taking a shit on Pico and Juliette Lewis in “The Other Sister”. One is nuts, the other is just bad acting. WAYS TO TELL IF A WOMAN IS CRAZY: 1) She is an actress. 2) If she laughs a little too hard. This can easily go with #1, but also stands true for non-creative types. A ‘big laugher’ wants everyone in the bar to know where she is at all times and she wants you to think you are really funny. You know whether you are genuinely funny or not, so pay strict attention to the times when she guffaws after you have mentioned something mundane like, “It’s Wednesday.” Or
“This beer tastes flat.” Or “My mom lives in Virginia.” 3) If she talks before you do. We all know that women talk more than men in general and if this fact on it’s own bothers you, imagine it 10-fold. Trust me, if she approaches you, run. Unless you want the attention from this crazy woman to attract the attention of a different woman. However, this has only about a 5-10 minute effectiveness quotient. From the crazy woman’s perspective, anything after 10 minutes will make her feel like she ‘has’ you and her clinginess and annoyingness will be with you all night long whether you literally turn your back on her or not. From the woman that you really wants perspective, she will assume that you are with the crazy woman and back off completely. Or best-case scenario, the two of them will get into a girl-fight and let you jerk-off watching. This is terrific as you don’t have to buy either of them breakfast. 4) If her first question is, “Have you seen my poodle anywhere?” 5) If her second question is, “Is maize corn?” 6) If she ever says, “I always bring my own toilet paper with me… because you never know…” 7) If she tries to hold your hand at the party or bar. This is her trying to mark her territory. You can simply lean over and whisper in her ear, “How you would like it if I took a piss on you right here?” If she says, “yes”, you will be led on one of the most fucked up sexual adventures you have ever had. If she sheepishly says, “no”, you are now in total and utter control and can lead one of the most fucked up sexual adventures you have ever been on tonight. And as Dale Carnegie said, “This is a classic win-win.” 8) If she enjoys sucking your nipples more than you enjoy sucking hers. Some women obviously think this feels good to us. It doesn’t. Stop, because now you are making us both look incredibly fucking stupid. 9) If she won’t touch your dick, but loves playing with your asshole. I haven’t really come to what this means yet as it has only happened once, but I can tell you that it is incredibly frustrating. I was left with nothing but masturbation and an irritated lining. 10) If she gets uncomfortable that you are opening doors for her. This tells you straight away there are some serious self-worth issues – that she is not a “receiver”. This will work out great once you are actually in the sack with her as you won’t have to tell her how great the blowjob she is giving, you can just know that (like anorexics) no amount of “but you’re really skinny” matters. So save your “Oh, my god, you are the best at that” line for someone who can really ‘hear’ it. 11) She talks to her pussy. You want her pussy to be a cohesive and silent part of her, not her ‘best friend’ and errand-girl. No one wants to hear that your “pussy went to the store today and couldn’t decide between the low-fat or regular Trader Joe’s cheese crunchies.” Just zip it. 12) If she says she gives an amazing blowjob chances are she doesn’t. This is classic over-compensation. Don’t buy it. DEAL BREAKERS:
1) She has dated anyone in the NFL or the NBA . I don’t care how big you think your dick is, being the second act to a seven-foot defensive end’s crooked python that has destroyed your “potential sweetheart’s” womb will only feel to her like a cornichon being thrown down a tunnel. And to you, it will feel slightly less friction-y than a cool bowl of jell-o. 2) Immediately after sex when you are cuddling up to her (whether it is because you genuinely want to or you are just ‘making her happy’) she tells you that she was a) molested by a relative, b) one of her relatives died when she was under the age of 11 or c) both. 3) She has dated James Woods. Or any man that you don’t want to visualize fucking her. Others in this category include: James Woods, Ron Pearlman, Dennis Rodman, Flavoflav and Kevin Farley (Chris Farley’s less funny, but equally sweaty brother.) 4) If she is starting to get undressed… as she lifts her shirt over her head and you see her arms raised and her armpits are unshaven and the shirt is still covering her face, you have a split second to come up with some sort of excuse as to why you now don’t have an erection. I like to say that I totally forgot I had a breakfast meeting at 6 AM and I have to be sharp for it so I have to leave. If you say you aren’t feeling well all of a sudden, she will probably want to take care of you leaving you with no “out” and lying next to her two little furry caves. THINGS A MAN NEVER WANTS TO HEAR: 1) “Your penis is nice.” That’s like us saying, “Your vagina’s kinda tight.” Or “Usually those pants make you look less chubby.” Or “I’d only be into a younger woman if she was as smart as you are.” 2) “That the sex was really sweet.” That is like us saying, “It was an OK anniversary.” Or, “No, seriously, tell me about your childhood again.” 3) About your work. We don’t know anyone there. We don’t want to know anyone there. And we don’t want to catch up on everything that is going on there. And if you don’t work, shame on you, you money-grubbing whore. 4) About things you are thinking about buying: the cute little size 7 Jimmy Choo’s you saw at Crossroads of the World or whether or not you should get a regular cake or those adorable little cupcakes at the new place on Larchmont for your friend’s party. First of all, you are a size 8 and secondly, if you did eat cake, you’d be up to a fat size 8. 5) Non-sexual stories about any of the ex-boyfriends… even if he was a complete and total dick… this makes us wonder what the hell you were doing with him in the first place. Did he smack you around? Did you secretly like it? And are therefore secretly holding a flame for him? Should I smack you around? Just a little? Should I ask first? Or just do it? I think I’ll do it. No, wait, maybe I’ll ask while she’s upset about something and vulnerable. How hard is too hard? What if she really likes it? A lot? And we hook up and I’m smacking her around. HARD. And for no good reason the next day I do something she doesn’t like and she goes to the cops on me. With her smack bruises. I don’t want to go to jail.
How hard is too hard? Maybe I’ll use my dick. That won’t leave any marks. But it won’t really give her the desired effect she wants. Plus it’s mildly rude. I’d have to really be nice to her for her to let me dick-smack her. Ok, fuck the dick smacking, that’s too much work. How hard? How hard to smack? Open hand for one thing, I know that much. God, I kinda want to practice on something. 6) Sexual stories about any of the ex-boyfriends. Even if you swear your Sophomore boyfriend “wasn’t as big as you are.” This just leads to us wanting to go back in time and fuck you as a Freshman. And really, this is to your detriment, because as soon as we picture you as a Freshman, you will never be that pretty to us again. 7) About your weight. Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime bore us to tears. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. We don’t want to hear about the steps to skinny… we just want to fuck results. If there is a girl that wants to exchange numbers and you aren’t into her and would like to let her down easily, tell her that you “don’t do the phone thing so much” and that she would have a much better chance at communicating with you through email. Tell her to text you her email and you will email her back “soon”. In general, you want to treat a woman like a little red wagon being dragged behind you. You want her to perceive that she is steering a little bit by herself, but don’t worry, it’s not a well thought-out system. She can not make a sharp left without dumping over. It gives her a ‘sense’ of control, with no real power. Better yet, if she spills over a) you won’t wreck because the spill is behind you and b) you get to put that little band-aid on her knee. Again, win-win. Thanks, Mr. Carnegie. No one talks honestly about the way they were conceived. Your mom will tell you how beautiful the lovemaking was with candles and scented things and your dad probably has his lame version of what really went down. HOWEVER, back in the day (the next day), your dad told all of his buddies that he “fucked the tar out of this chick with a really sweet ass. Oh, man, I was hitting it HARD! I was all up in that pussy. This chick has never been fucked so good in all her life… I was pounding, she was screaming… I never thought in a million years I’d ever have sex in her parent’s bathroom, but the thrill of getting busted was just too much for me to handle… I guess I’m sort of an exhibitionist at heart. Anyway, we were sucking and fucking for hours, but for some reason as soon as my feet hit the cold hard tile of her parent’s bathroom floor, I just lost it. I knew I had cum a little bit, so I pulled out last minute and she finished me off with a nice tugjob into the sink. I was shocked and truth be told, happy when she told me later that she was pregnant.” Yeah, some of you are the result of accidental pre-cum. Remember that next Thanksgiving when you are sitting with your family at Na-Na’s house. FAKE ORGASM I will show men how to do a fake male orgasm (like Meg Ryan in the diner).
This will be done over a microphone completely earnestly. (Slowly building) “Oh, right there. Yeah, that’s it. Oh my God, you feel so good. You like that? Good girl, baby. Good girl. Squeeze me a little harder. A little more. Harder. Can you reach back and grab my balls, sweetheart? (gaining intensity) Oh, yeah, that is perfect. Do that twisting thing with your other hand... that’s it... that feels incredible. You are the best. Come on, baby… that’s it! Here we go... C’mon, yes, yes, yes, yes, oh my God, I’m cumming, I’m cumming... (he cums) umph, umph, umph, umph, umph... (after shock) umph...(pause... one more...) umph. Oh my god, that was... wow. Come here, let me hold you... (sounds of shivering) I am so cold... where is that towel?... thanks... God, I love you. (long beat) I don’t wanna get up, but I gotta pee. I love you soooooo much.” ETHNIC PROS AND CONS Lasso a Latina: hot, big butt, but be careful they are very family oriented and don’t like to use protection. Don’t get me wrong, they are trying to get off, but they are also trying to have a family. Spearing some Sushi: submissive, make these little soft moans, but they bind their feet and you WILL find yourself having sex on Hello Kitty linens. I recommend hanging out with gay guys and having sex with Asian women. You get the best of both worlds: to have clever hysterical conversations with people that can keep up with you AND you get to go home and be serviced by a woman from the Orient. They are small (which implies less feeding) and 99% of them aren’t in the business (which means you don’t have to hear about the job “they came sooo close to getting!”). Personally, if I could get David Sedaris and Lucy Lu to pro-create, I would fuck the shit out of that baby while telling it listened to my clever jokes. Banging a black: big butts, big lips, fuck like the end of the world is here, but they expect you to ‘bring it’ every time and if you don’t, they will let you know and you will feel like the girl. TONY ROBBINS Using his powers of persuasion to find a woman. YOUR BREASTS ARE YOURS!: Just because you have big breasts doesn’t mean they are nice! Just because we look at your big breasts doesn’t mean we want to fuck you. They are big. They are there. It’s the same thing as me walking down the street with my dick hanging out of my pants. You can’t not look. It doesn’t mean it’s a nice dick or even a big dick… it’s just a dick out in the open for people to notice – but when I purposefully pull my dick out of my pants and walk down the street, well, then you know I have just gone too far. Big boobs can be sloppy. In fact, most of the time they are. What no one ever talks
about is that firmness is more important than size in a boob. I don’t want to see your gelatinous mammaries spilling onto the bed. It’s nasty. How would you like it if I spread my giant scrotum across the sheets like peanut butter? Exactly, not very much. And if you have smaller breasts but they aren’t firm either, we don’t want to see them. No one wants to see your cue balls in an old pair of socks. New moms: stop breasting feeding in public! I’m not saying to starve your child, but I am letting you know that large swinging lactating breasts hanging out of your shirt at the mall, the park or my dinner party makes everyone uncomfortable. Please, you go to the bathroom to pee, it’s sort of the same thing out of your nipple!