This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
up onstage. Starring Tony Forkush Lights up on a small rinky dink apartment in Hollywood. We see a small TV screen on an impossibly tiny television set with rabbit ears. The TV is propped up on a set of books. On it is Vin Scully, broadcaster of the Dodgers. SCULLY And it all comes down to this. Bases loaded, two outs in the ninth, two strikes on the hitter. And here’s the pitch… The camera closes up on a pair of eyes with a “deer in the headlights” look. SCULLY Strike three called. And that’ll be that. We see the eyes again with the reflection of a Dodger walking back to the dugout disconsolate. Suddenly: VOICE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!! The eyes jump open wide and jump up. It is a cat that scurries under the bed. The camera pans away from the TV and we see a man, Tony Forkush, sitting on a crate in an empty living room of his studio apartment. He is shirtless and fat and is wearing the cheapest Dodger cap you can find. There is food stuff all around him that has been there for days. He throws his lit cigarette at the tv. FORKUSH Motherfuckers! He lights another cigarette and eats from a dish of ice cream at the same time. He kicks the tv off the stand. FORKUSH (SPEAKS TO THE AUDIENCE) Why do I do this to myself? Three and a half hours of my life, totally wasted. What’s the point? I knew they were going to lose. You could just tell.
Forkush moves around his apartment. He carries plates to his sink which is filled to the brim with unwashed dishes. FORKUSH That’s it. I’m not gonna watch anymore games this year. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I could be doing something with my life. I don’t get any of those hours back. A fantasy montage of Forkush doing incredibly productive things ie: cleaning his apartment, going on a date, writing the next great novel, wine-ing and dine-ing beautiful women and: Suddenly we fast forward to the next night. The TV is wrecked but held together with chicken wire. Scully is calling the game. We see the deer in the headlight eyes again. SCULLY (EXCITED WITH THE SOUNDS OF CHEERING FROM THE CROWD) …and that’s hit down the right field line! We hear a high pitched whoop from Forkush FORKUSH WHOOOHOO!!! The cat jumps up and under the bed again. SCULLY …in comes Izturis, in comes Repko on a double by Drew! We see Forkush with food all over his face and a lit cigarette dangling. He is wearing the LA cap and the rattiest old Dodger championship shirt from 1988. FORKUSH YEA! YEA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN ABOUT MOTHERFUCKER! WHOOO! We hear banging from the neighbor downstairs and muffled yelling. NEIGHBOR VO (MUFFLED) Shaddup up there! I’m trying to sleep! Forkush goes to the kitchen sink, opens up the cabinet and yells down under the sink.
FORKUSH Sorry Mr. Stankovitz. But the Dodgers just tied the game and it shouldn’t go on much longer. STANKOVITZ What’s the score? FORKUSH It’s 3 to 3 in the eighth. STANKOVITZ Oh you got it on Tivo. Well I can save you the trouble buddy. They lost 5 to 3 Forkush hits his head on the sink. FORKUSH Shit! Mr. Stankovitz, how could you do that? I waited all day to see the game. STANKOVITZ Well I just saved you the aggravation. Now shaddup and let me get some sleep. Forkush slams shut the cabinet. Paint falls down from the ceiling onto his head. FORKUSH Oy vey. What a cocksucker STANKOVITZ I heard that. Forkush goes back over to the decrepit TV and turns it off and the Tivo box. The phone rings. FORKUSH Go fuck yourself! The answering machine picks it up. FORKUSH ANSWERING MACHINE VOICE (Singing) Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, fuck me oh fuck me oh blow me now. I don’t care if you’re a circus clown. Oh its root root root. (beeep) It’s Forkush’s neurotic friend Mark.
MARK Well it’s the total destruction of the team. Jeff Weaver is a complete mental case and once again, as suggested by this office, Tracy decides to keep him in one batter too late, they get the run, Of course it’s Sean Green getting the winning run, what karma, and then Tracy figures it out an inning late. What a sniveling granny, with his glasses sitting there, this son of a bitch.
FORKUSH (Yelling at the machine) Jesus Christ! That was last nights game you moron. Stop calling me. Would you just stop calling me! MARK It’s gonna be a long long season my friend. Just don’t pick up today, no matter what. Remember, only pricks drink. (hangs up) FORKUSH That’s my sponsor! With friends like that who needs sobriety. (he picks up the phone) Listen Mark. I’m really sick and tired of your negativity. I’ve told you before, stop calling me unless you have something positive to say. Hello? Hello? (nothing). You’re fired. (he hangs up). Theme song and opening montage ala That Girl and Mary Tyler Moore, but with a distinctly loser feeling and hopeless array of failed encounters on the street and restaurants and other places. Scene One: Forkush gets ready for bed. He turns the lights out. Suddenly we see former Dodger announcer Ross Porter appear in the bedroom. ROSS PORTER Tony. Tony. FORKUSH Wha…who is it? Who’s there? ROSS PORTER Ross Porter, Tony. FORKUSH WHAT!…WHO…? Ross Porter? How did you get in here?
ROSS PORTER You know Tony I really have no idea how I got in here. As a matter of fact I don’t even know how I know your name. FORKUSH You mean you just appeared? ROSS PORTER Hmmm mmhh. That’s right Tony.
FORKUSH (turns the light on) Well…so…what can I do for you Ross? ROSS PORTER Find me a job for one thing. Ha ha ha. No, I’m just kidding Tony. Tony, you and me need to have a talk. FORKUSH (correcting him)You and I . ROSS PORTER Hmm mmh. That’s right Tony. By the way what time do you have to get up in the morning? FORKUSH 5:00am ROSS PORTER Ouch. Oh right, you’re a Special Ed Teacher at Hollywood High. So you have to be to work at, what, say, se’m o’ five? FORKUSH Se’m thirty. (correcting himself) Seven thirty. Ross suddenly appears right next to Tony near his bed. Tony jumps. FORKUSH Ahhh. ROSS PORTER A little nervous there Tony?
FORKUSH Wait a minute. Are you for real? ROSS PORTER You need to ask Stu Nahan that. Ha ha. Tony, you’re probably wondering why I’m here. FORKUSH I’ll say. Why are you here? ROSS PORTER (Ross’s words get choppier as he speaks. More garbled). You and me have a few things in common Tony. Our lives haven’t gone in quite the direction recently that we would have liked it to go, see what I mean? FORKUSH Oh yeah, that’s for…whadya say? ROSS PORTER Sorry about that Tony. Lemme just take these pebbles out of my mouth. (Ross spits some pebbles out) What I said was, You and me’s life haven’t gone quite the way recently you would have like me to. FORKUSH You can say that again. (Ross opens his mouth) No. Don’t. ROSS PORTER Obviously I’m in need of something to do these days, so the Dodger brass in the sky felt that I should be your Dodger godmother. FORKUSH Dodger godfather? ROSS PORTER Hmm mmh. Thas right. Tony, if there was anything in the world you could do right now, what would it be? FORKUSH Gosh Ross. Well, I don’t think in tarnations I really know. (catches himself) Gee, it’s contagious. ROSS PORTER I’m here to help you become the real Dodger Tony you have always wanted to be.
FORKUSH Wow! What’s that? ROSS PORTER (stadium organ music underswell) The real Dodger Tony is the kid that never grew up. The kid that couldn’t learn to ride a bicycle at ten. The kid that didn’t know how to swim. The kids that everyone made fun of at camp. The kid that wet the bed and sucked his thumb till he was thirteen. The kid… FORKUSH Okay, okay. I get it. ROSS PORTER Tony, you get three wishes. But you must use these wishes consistently. If you can’t be consistent then there is really no hope for your future and all that’s left is your continuing to live below the Mendoza line. FORKUSH How do you figure that I live below the Mendoza line? ROSS PORTER Last year Tony, you had a measly $14.71 hourly rate percentage. You went to work only 3 out of every ten days. That’s an average of about .200. Your scoring rate was down to a paltry one date every six months. And that was after several key errors. Consistency Tony, that’s the name of the game. FORKUSH Hey, I couldn’t help it if I was sick three days a week every week. I have sleep apnia. ROSS PORTER Hmmm. Rick Monday has that problem too. Do you sleep with a CPAP machine? FORKUSH A who-pap what? ROSS PORTER A CPAP machine. It pushes air into your deviated septum and allows you clear and unobstructed breathing. See without it Tony you don’t achieve REM sleep and have nightmares like the one your having now. FORKUSH Well, maybe I should look into it. ROSS PORTER That’s okay Tony, I happen to have one right here.
Ross attempts to apply a grotesque device to Tony’s head. The device has wires and electrodes all in it and clamps. It sparks with electricity. FORKUSH No…wait…stop…stop… ROSS PORTER Just relax Tony. Keep breathing. Just keep breathing. FORKUSH AHHHHH!!!!! The alarm goes off. It is suddenly the next morning. Tony has a pillow over his head and one of his cats on the pillow.
FORKUSH Ross, help me Ross. Stop it…no more stats…!!! It’s 5:00AM. Time to get up and go to work. FORKUSH It’s 5:00AM. Time to get up and go to work. Forkush collapses back to sleep. End of Scene. Scene Two. Hollywood High School. The loudest most obnoxious rap music plays. Millions of kids mill around the quad area. Forkush has just arrived. He has dark sun glasses on and is literally sleep walking. The kids raz him mercilessly. KID Good morning Mr. Forkwad. Nice Wheels. A shot of Forkush’s pathetic Toyota Corolla. There are dents and mashes everywhere. Bird droppings cover the windshield. There is a completely torn up Dodger bumpersticker that’s been graffitied over with a LA Angels logo. The kids laugh at Forkush with gusto. Suddenly the assistant principal, Mrs. Finkel appears.
FINKEL (WITH PSYCHOTIC EFFERVESCENCE) GOOD MORNING!!!!!!!!! She stands one inch away from Forkush. FORKUSH Oh good morning Mr. Dalway FINKEL Mr. Forkush, it’s me Mrs. Finkel. FORKUSH (removes his sun glasses) Oh sorry ma’am. How are you this morning? FINKEL Terrible. Ten out of eleven aides called in sick. I need you to cover for all of them. FORKUSH (wearily) Okay, that’s fine. Where do you want me to go first? FINKEL I need you to go to Mr. Bumpel’s room. There you’ll be with Jose Rojas. As you know he is a dwarf, uhm, excuse me (she twitches), size challenged, and he needs you to carry him up to the second floor. FORKUSH But Mrs. Finkel, he weighs three hundred pounds! You know I have severe work restrictions. My orthotics aren’t strong enough to carry that kind of weight, they could break. FINKEL Fine! That’s just great! I guess I’ll have to do it myself. FORKUSH No no, that’s not what I meant. FINKEL Well, what did you mean? FORKUSH I mean I have no problem. Just give me the elevator key.
FINKEL Sorry. The elevator is out of service. FORKUSH How come? FINKEL Jose broke it riding it last week. FORKUSH Oy vey. The bell rings. FINKEL Okay get going. You’re late. FORKUSH Late? But I was talking to you… FINKEL Have a good day. She leaves. Cut to Forkush coming into Mr. Dalways room. It is complete pandemonium. Cursing, kids having sex, food being thrown around. FORKUSH Mr. Dalway? Mr. Dalway? DALWAY Yes. FORKUSH Mr. Dalway? Where are you? DALWAY Help me please. Can you please help me. Forkush looks around. Can’t see where he is. FORKUSH Uhmm. Where are you?
DALWAY I’m right here. Forkush looks under the desk. Mr. Dalway is hiding under it. FORKUSH Good morning sir. I’m here for Jose Rojas. DALWAY Who? FORKUSH Jose Rojas. The midgit…(catches himself) the “little person” Special Ed. Student. DALWAY Oh, right. He’s in the bathroom making his doodies. FORKUSH Thanks a lot. (leaves) (comes back) Do you need a hand getting out from under there? DALWAY Are you fucking crazy? This is the safest place in the classroom. FORKUSH Okay then. Have a good day. (leaves). DALWAY (taking roll from under the desk) Hernandez Hernandez? (no answer) Garcia garcia Ronandez? KID Aqui. Forkush goes into the boys bathroom. FORKUSH Jose? Jose? ROJAS (From inside the stall) Oh shit! Is that you Mister Forkush?
FORKUSH Yep it’s me. Get your ass out of there, let’s go! ROJAS Make me! FORKUSH Jose, don’t make me come in and get you. ROJAS I know you are but what am I? FORKUSH Great! (has an idea) Jose, I’ve got a nice juicy quarter pounder with pork right here for you and some delicious fries from Pound-A-Fries. JOSE (TOILET FLUSHES) All right Mister. You’re the bomb! Uh Mister. FORKUSH Yes Jose. JOSE I’m stuck. FORKUSH What? JOSE I’m stuck (starts crying) I’m fucking stuck. Wahh. Get me outta here? I’m stuck! FORKUSH Jose, I can’t get you out. I gotta call maintenance. JOSE Hurry! Hurry! Oh and Mister… FORKUSH WHAT? JOSE Can you slip the QP with pork and the pound-a-fries under the door please? FORKUSH I don’t have them. Sorry.
ROJAS WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! FORKUSH Okay. Okay, I’ll get em for you when we get outta here. ROJAS Thanks Mister. (under his breath) What an asshole. Cut to elevator and Forkush carrying Rojas on his back. Jose has his pants down and the toilet is literally stuck to his asshole. Forkush is carrying the three hundred pound Jose and the 60 pound toilet. ROJAS Come on Mister Tony. I’ve missed half of school already. FORKUSH (being crushed by the weight) RRRgggrrtttlllittt….can’t breathe…. ROJAS (pounding down the QP with pork) Man Mister Tony. This shit is the bomb! (He poots out an electrifying fart) The elevator door opens and several retarded kids get on board, not allowing Tony to get out of the elevator. ROJAS HEY YOU FUCKIN TARDS! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR! MATT THE TARD (repeating what Jose said) veegodda get oudda elevaduhr… Poopie Perez, a diminutive retarded boy, caresses Mister Forkush’s leg and inner thigh. POOPIE PEREZ (translated from espanol) DAAAHUUUUWWWEUHHHHHHHHFFF MATT THE TARD (repeats Poopie Perez) duhhhhhwffff….
ROJAS SHUT THE FUCK UP. LEMME OUTTA HERE. WAAAAAHHHHHHH The tards have no aide as all the rest are out sick. FORKUSH (demanding the kids out of the elevator) fferrrrrr,llegrrrrrrr…my back crushed….out of the elevator….. The kids run out of the elevator except one, Mary foofel, who falls down and smashes her head into the concerete. FORKUSH (grabbing her) Mary…oh my god are you allright? Mary gets up and smiles a big smile. All her teeth have been smashed out
MARY (In a high pitched sound) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! She skips away around the corner. JOSE Hey Mr. Tony. That’s my LADY. FORKUSH You mean Mary? JOSE Yeah. She’s my momi. You know what she does for me? FORKUSH What? JOSE She’s a purple people kishka eater. FORKUSH I see. (Forkush shakes his head to clear the weirdness of that late statement.)
FORKUSH Okay Jose. Here we are. JOSE Fuck. It took forever man. You’re a snail fuck. Now get me offa this thing. FORKUSH No problemo. Forkush dumps the commode with Jose on it right on his big fat head. He puckers his ass and pops off the toilet. JOSE WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Fucker city! FORKUSH See you at lunch fat boy. Jose opens his mouth to speak and an enormous fart comes out of it. Cut to: The Break room. The most divided lunch room in the history of the city of Los Angeles. Every single table is broken up into groups that completely ignore every single other group. Forkush comes in with a tuna sandwich and cookies. He tries to sit at each and every table and notices that when he does, someone looks at the open chair as though it were occupied. FORKUSH Hola Contresa. Anybody sitting here? Every single latino at the table is mortified and silent. They quietly speak to each other in Espanol. CONTRESA Uh…well….uh….well….. FORKUSH Oh, sorry. Someone is sitting here. Right? CONTRESA Uh…well…uh…well…. FORKUSH Hey, no problemo. Catch you on the rebound.
Forkush leaves. He stops off at the Armenian table. FORKUSH Hello Ms. Acchh. How is Achchea? MS. ACCHH. Oh…Okay….oh….Okay… FORKUSH Great. Anybody sitting here? Every single Armenian begins babbling in their tongue, until they have reached a hysterical din. FORKUSH Oh, hey, no problemechhh. I’ll catch you on the barev side. MS. ACCHH Oh…Okay…oh….Okay… Forkush finally sits at a table all alone. He opens his tuna sandwich. It is completely saturated in oil and falls apart. He takes out a carrot. As he puts it into his mouth the bell rings. End of lunch. Later that night: Forkush is home with his three cats, Inky, Stanky, Funky. It is feeding time. FORKUSH Allright Kitties. Here you go He opens up the tuna cans. The fat cats go berserk. FORKUSH Okay. Okay. Calm down. There’s plenty left where that came from. Suddenly Ross Porter appears: ROSS Hmm mmh Tony. That looks delicious. Mind if I have some? Forkush is freaked out. FORKUSH Oh Ross. You scared the hell out of me. Sure go ahead.
Ross kneels down and starts eating with the cats. ROSS: Hmmm mmmh good Tony. Delicioso. The cats start hissing at him. Inky, Tony’s oldest cat of 26 years, Poops on the floor. FORKUSH: Oh no…Inky…oh no…sorry Ross. ROSS: No problem-ooo Tony. Ross makes the poop magically disappear. FORKUSH: Wow Ross. You are good. ROSS: Well, Tony, I noticed that things didn’t quite go as planned at work today. FORKUSH: Actually, they went exactly as planned. It’s the same way everyday. ROSS: We need you to stand up for yourself Tony. People are taking advantage of you everywhere you go. FORKUSH: Oh, I don’t know about that Ross. ROSS: Well, I guess you’re right. (Ross puts Tony’s wallet in his pocket after he just pickpocketed him).
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.