This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
but if the sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to ... Darla and Abby too super-hot black cheer-leader types see him. DARLA OMG, a nerd. I thought there was science convention in town. Why isn't he there? ABBY And where did he come from? They shoot out of the ground like weeds! Then you gotta look at their nasty pocket pencil protectors when you pass them. DARLA Let's teach the little turd a lesson. Say something that will get his hopes up. ABBY Gotcha five by five. The girls start strutting suggestively as they close in on their prey. Poindexter notices nothing until it's too late. ABBY Hey, Poindexter, want to feel my breasts? The girl continue past him. Poindexter stops cold. Suddenly he's like a block of ice. The girls stop their snickering and turn to look at him immediately becoming concerned about his dramatic change. DARLA Hey, wait a minute -- he's not even moving. ABBY OMG! I laid it on too thick. The girls go to him. DARLA
Poindexter, are you all right? ABBY Poindexter, snap out of it. I was just playing... Poindexter?... Poin...? DARLA God, I think he's gone. Look at his eyes. ABBY Nothing ... the pupils ... they're like, like, the lights are on, but nobody's home. DARLA Gimmee, a match. Abby reaches into her pocket and pulls out a Bic lighter, hands it to Darla, who flicks it and passes the flame back and forth past Poindexter's eyes. DARLA OMG! It's like staring into the abyss. ABBY Let me see that. Abby takes the lighter and waves it front of Poindexter's eyes. She picks up his hand, rises it to shoulder level, let go of it. It drops like a life-less object. Result: Nothing. No movement or anything. Nothing. ABBY OMG! We did it! We did it, I'm telling you, Darla. We sent him over the precipice. DARLA Over the what? ABBY Precipice. DARLA Oh. ABBY I don t know what the word means either. DARLA And what's with this "we" stuff? I didn't say nothing to him. You're the one who sent him over the precipice ABBY Me? But you're the one who told me
to. DARLA I didn't tell you to lay it on that thick. You could have turned it down a notch or two. Now look at Him he's gone. You overloaded all his circuits and shorted all his fuses and transistors. ABBY What are we going to do? The dean told me the next time I do that to a boy I was going to be suspended. DARLA You should have thought about that before you sent him over the precipice. ABBY I know. I know, but what are we going to do now? DARLA Just get a grip, that's what. It's just morning. We got classes for the rest of the day. That should give him enough time to thaw out. C'mon, let's go to class. Nothing we can do for him now anyway. We'll come back later. ABBY Ok, ok... Please, God, give this nerd his mind back, I promise to leave them alone for the rest of the day if you do.
The girls leave Poindexter standing there. Time passes. Classes empty out and students pass Poindexter but he stands there ramrod straight like a bronze statue. Sometime later the girls return with Petula, a girl nerd. Petula takes a doctor's flashlight from her pocket and shines it in Poindexter's eyes. She takes his pulse and places her head against his chest to listen to his heart. She shakes her head and looks at the girls. PETULA I hope you girls had your fun. He's toast. Gone. Over the precipice. What did you tell him to get him this way? ABBY Nothing! Nothing, I swear!
DARLA Tell her what you told him. Hurry. He may be a nerd, but he's a human being too. PETULA Well...? ABBY Ok, ok, ok -- I just asked him, if he wanted to feel my breasts. PETULA You Monster! ABBY I didn't know! I didn't mean no harm, I swear I didn't. PETULA Why didn't you just take a knife and run it throw his heart? It would have been more merciful. ABBY I was just having a little fun. Can't a girl have a little fun? PETULA "Fun" is that what you call it? Pull the legs off grasshoppers, that's fun. Tying cans on a dog's tail, that's fun. Pouring lighter fluid on an ant hill and setting it afire, that's fun too. But a Smoking-hot babe like you telling a nerd to feel your tits knowing full well it would turn him into a pillar of salt, no, young lady, that's not fun. ABBY I didn't know it would turn him into a pillar of salt. PETULA No? Petula grabs Abby by the back of the neck and forces her head only inches away from Poindexter. PETULA (continued) Like his cheek! I said lick his frickin' cheek! ABBY Ok! Ok! Ok!
Abby licks his cheek and frowns. PETULA Well, what does it taste like? ABBY Salt. DARLA Lighten up, Petula. It wasn't intentional. PETULA No? DARLA No. We're two young, super-fine foxes. We're only doing what we're supposed to be doing. PETULA Really? And what's that? DARLA Driving young dudes bat-shit crazy. PETULA Oh, really? I guess I didn't get the memo. ABBY That's right. Just like you only do what you're supposed to do. PETULA Really? And what might that be? ABBY Whatever... DARLA Look, Petula, you probably have a point, but this is neither the time nor place. We have an emergency here. I mean, how do we know this is not stopping the flow of blood to his brain, and if it is, when he awakes, he'll be brain dead? PETULA Don't be ridiculous. DARLA What do you mean? PETULA He's a nerd, for crying out loud -it's medically impossible for him to go brain dead. Even when a nerd
dies his brain is still computing, still trying to work out Fermat's Last Theorem and shit. DARLA Oh... ABBY What about his sexual organ. Won't it shrivel up and fall off? PETULA What sexual organ? ABBY Oh, that's right -- nerds don't have sexual organs. PETULA That's not entirely true. Some actually do have sexual organs, at least, at birth. But what happens is, since they never get to use them, the sexual organs metastasize into those of the opposite sex. ABBY You mean they become virtual homosexuals? PETULA So to speak. DARLA Petula, look, all we want to know is what's the antidote? How do we break him out of somnambulist state? PETULA Well, if he was a vampire you'd run a stake through his heart. DARLA But he's not a freekin vampire. PETULA In that case, ice water... buckets of it, that's the only way to melt a pillar of salt. ABBY Ice water? PETULA Buckets of it. ABBY Ice Water...?
DARLA You a parrot? You heard what the woman said. PETULA Buckets of it. ABBY Ok,ok, ok. We get ice water. C'mon, Darla. Let's do this. PETULA Buckets of it. ABBY What are you a parrot? PETULA Buck you. The girls leave then return with a hand wagon loaded with buckets of water. PETULA Ok, ok, let's get this done. Abby, you take one bucket and get on his right. Darla, you take another and get on his left. The girls do as they're told. PETULA Ok, on the count of three, drench the bitch. One... two ... three! They splash the cold water on Poindexter and he immediately comes around. POINDEXTER Wha? Wha? ..but if the sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to -Yeow! Seeing Abby Poindexter let's out another Yeow! Turns and starts running down the road like the dogs of hell are upon him. ABBY Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We just wanted to say -DARLA Let him go, girl! Let him go! Ain't you learned nothing. He can't handle your fabulousness. PETULA She's right. The ice water worked once; it might not work a second
time. ABBY But I just wanted to say we're sorry and everything. Tim Russel, big, young, HNC (Hottest Negro on Campus) runs up to them. TIM Hey, what's going on with that stupid nerd? Abby and Darla are laughing. DARLA Abby told him he could touch her breasts and he turned into a pillar of salt. TIM Haha! Y'all are too much. (he points to Petula) Hey, who is this pretty mama? DARLA Her name is Petula. Petula, this is Tim Russell, quarterback of the football time. .... Petula...? Everyone stares at Petula who suddenly looks like she's just turned into a pillar of salt. DARLA Petula, are you all right? ABBY Wait a minute, she's trying to say something. What is it Petula? PETULA (in a pained whisper) The freekin ice water -- hurry! Copyright e. Landers 8/31/2010 email@example.com