[Roar]

{CHANEL}

Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite

Columbias best efforts, its the stealthiest band in the world, the Columbia
University 209 Band!

[Fanfare]

{JULIA}

Featuring:

J. Net Neutrality: Connection Interrupted

J. NetFlix: Chill sesh disrupted

And J. FCC Chairman: Leadership corrupted

[Fanfare]

{CHANEL}

Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,

sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semicentennial, solipsistic,

recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where

the shelves are long lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are

checked out but long overdue. As well as indictments going up, approval

ratings going down, and Alabama Elections at an all time fuck, that was
close the Band now presents its 66th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to

lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the worlds

largest simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyones enjoyment:

{JULIA}

SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.

{CHANEL}

GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.

{JULIA}

CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.

{CHANEL}

Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Lets start the show!

[Who Owns]

{JOKE 1 Morningside Changes}

{JULIA}
Morningside Heights has undergone some serious changes this semester,

and after years of waiting, its voice has dropped, its balls have plopped,

and its grown about 15 blocks since its last checkup. New restaurants and

hang-out spots are popping up all around, just like pimples on the face of

every freshman who refuses to wash their sheets. So, without further ado,
the band presents a guide to the places you'll eat, the people you'll eat out,

and the cook-ups and hook-ups that will haunt you long after you leave

Morningside Heights for good.

Students have been flocking to Shake Shack, where for the price of just

three textbooks and a modest one-bedroom apartment in Harlem, you can

enjoy a four-ounce burger delivered in a four-gallon paper bag. This is your

Columbia fuckboy: you know theyre no good for you, and theyre not even

that good; but sometimes, you just need a nice hunk of underwhelming

meat. In fact, hes the same jerk-off dude you were hooking up with at

NYU, but now that hes at Columbia you think hes changed, that maybe

this time, hes literate. News flash: Just because he likes to talk about

phenomenology after sex doesnt mean that his promises are any less

empty than his calories. But Shake Shacks not always down to shake it up.

If youre into group sex, for example, he might not be so willing to spread

the love for that, we suggest Five Guys.

Speaking of orgies Pret Mnage Trois! Finally, we found out what

killed Vine. Pret is just like the basic bitch who may or may not have been
your suitemate freshman year. You really dont know because she was

never there instead she was vacationing on the French Riviera on

weekends and hitting on Science Po students during the week. Shes the

kind of girl who pretends shes from Paris, and then just turns out to have a

third-cousin from Montreal. And, if you make her caf au lait with whole

milk instead of skim, shell throw a fit bigger than that of an only child being

forced to share their bonbons.

Speaking of only children, China! Junzi Kitchen opened its doors this

semester to students who were still picking the shrapnel out of their Ollies

udon. Junzi is a rare breed they actually transferred to Columbia from

Yale instead of the other way around. His classmate, Panda Express, is

always glancing over at Junzis paper, since hes the one person in their

CC class who actually understands Marx. But just because Junzi isnt the

class clown in their discussion section doesnt mean theyre not down for

an intravenous injection. Junzi after-hours emphasizes the work-hard

play-hard attitude of a student who has an adderall prescription, but

chooses to do coke instead.

Speaking of coke, the only student who wouldnt snort the devils dandruff

is Hex&Co. If you havent heard of them, its probably because theyve

spent the last year holed up in their basement playing Dungeons and

Dragons. A long-time member of the Smash Club, their claim to fame is

being the clubs all-time low scorer at the annual bring a date night. Hex is

that neckbearded elf who lived next to you in Furnald your freshman year.

We recommend you check in on them to make sure theyre taking their

weekly shower.

All in all, while variety is great, at the end of the day all we want is to crawl

back to JJs and chug her Carolina Tangy until our stomach explodes.

In honor of coming home the band now forms a JJs fried mac n cheese

triangle and plays Carry out my wayward bun.

[Carry On My Wayward Son]

{JOKE 2 SHIFT}
{CHANEL}

Over the last few weeks, the world has seen some dramatic changes:

Australia legalized same sex marriage, the value of bitcoin surpassed the
GDP of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and the two state solution

abruptly became the final countdown. But most notably of all, after

generations of treating women with the same respect a Beta bro treats his

unwashed me-time sock, men were finally forced to think with the heads on

their shoulders instead of the ones in their pants and confront some ugly

truths.

People have been bravely condemning sexual assault and harassment,

going to great lengths to state the controversial opinion: its bad. But

honestly we werent surprised to hear about people like Louis C.K. what

is stand up comedy if not jerking off in front of a crowd? So everyone,

before we begin, fasten your seatbelts, evacuate for Hurricane Harvey

Weinstein, and cancel your internships with Al Franken.

But in spite of everything that has been happening in the world, lets

remember that Columbia was exposed for ignoring sexual assault way

before Hollywood made it cool. Two years ago the Columbia administration

decided to take some real action, and made a survey, just like every stats

student in your class Facebook page. The SHIFT survey revealed that, on
campus, 1 in 3 women face sexual assault by senior year, 3 in 3 sexual

assaults go unresolved, and 4 in 5 dentists recommend brushing your teeth

far away from Columbia. The university spent two years and 2.2 million

dollars on a survey to learn about campus sexual assault, which is like

making a yet another Star Wars movie youre spending millions of dollars

just to hear the same story over and over again.

Lets imagine for a moment, that by their senior year, 1 in 3 Columbia

students will have fallen victim to food poisoning from, say, a Ferris Booth

omelette. Wed hope the first line of defense wouldn't be an optional,

two-year, 2 million dollar survey asking about our eating habits. And

hopefully Columbias response wouldnt just be havent you learned not to

go to Ferris by now? Perhaps its just not worth protecting the same chef

whos been serving up rotten omelettes for thirty years. Were tired of this

chicken-and-the-egg bullshit. Columbia, its not us, its you.

In honor of the break up we deserve, the band now forms the TIME person

of the year and plays The Sound of Breaking the Silence.

[Sound of Silence]

{JOKE 3 BARNARD}
{JULIA}

Barnard has a new President, Sian Beilock and the only thing harder than

pronouncing her name is figuring out what shes done so far. Shes been at

Barnard for 4 months and hasnt even hosted a Belly dancing with Beilock

event yet! Beilock was a psychologist whose chosen field of study was

choking under pressure. Were not totally sure why shes at Barnard;

shed find much more appropriate test subjects at Cornell. Nevertheless, it

didnt take long for Beilock to catch on to the age old Barnard tradition of

empowering women, but only when its convenient. Well, shes here now,

and she really hit the ground running, or at least hit the ground, stumbled a

bit, and suffered some backlash.

Recently, when Beilock let the Barnard Bartending agency dissolve,

Barnard students became more angry than well, Barnard students.

Barnard Bartending was an agency that spammed wealthy, liquor-drinking

New Yorkers with emails about hot, poor students in their area. By getting

rid of this agency, all Barnard is doing is making it harder for their own
students to find work to pay their tuition, which is about as self destructive

as wearing a pipe bomb on your morning commute through Times Square.

The Barnard Bartenders initially threatened to sue the university for the

change, but have since dropped the suit, marking the first time in history an

angry Barnard student has let go of a grudge.

But grudges arent the only things getting let go! This semester, Barnard

RAs are being fired for their lack of commitment which doesnt really

come as a surprise. Its hard to take your RA job seriously when youre

asked to pretend that tea cures depression and have to organize events

like Give birth to your own spirit animal or Bedazzle your own bottle of

Prozac. Why cant Barnard Reslife just let Barnard RAs be more like

Columbia RAs who dispose of your illicit substances by smoking them

with you?

Firing an RA that doesnt care about their job only to replace them with

another RA that doesnt care about their job is like destroying an ugly

library, just to replace it with an equally ugly library. Barnards campus is

actually starting to remind us of our crazy Great Aunt Myrtle: it seems like
none of the furniture in her apartment goes together, but no one says

anything because shell just start flinging asbestos-filled drywall at you.

But we worry about the message Barnard is sending to young women

when they replace buildings with younger, perkier, emptier models. Barnard

claims they are a womens college, but does less to support its student

body than a good padded bra. We in the band think that Barnard should

learn to embrace its natural beauty, even if its lawns have a few bald spots,

its building facades are a little blemished, and its libraries are a little

bloated. After all, real womens colleges have curves.

In honor of a new era at Barnard, the band now forms an inexplicable

tutorial video and plays Were having Trouble pronouncing Sian Beilock.

[I Knew You Were Trouble]

{JOKE 4 HOUSING}
{CHANEL}

Columbia University is known for a few notable things: making students

wish they were anywhere but here, some pretty lights, and being the best

gentrifiers around! Seems like Columbia just cant get enough of their fun
game of Harlemonopoly. Between overcrowding, fires, and policing,

Columbia students feel about as welcome in upper Manhattan as well,

every other resident of upper Manhattan.

The first housing change popped up in Carman, the place where beer

comes up and girls go down. Gone are the days of lounging in hallways

and coming home to a cinder block prison cell. Some especially lucky

students were placed in the new ten person suites, which are bound to end

in NSOP orgies or worse, a Columbia University live reenactment of Lord

of the Flies. Carman 10 residents also had their shower ceilings cave in,

giving them a nifty preview of the New York renting experience.Carman

hall: it doesnt get better. Seriously, it doesnt get better.

ECs overcrowding came to a head this year on Halloweekend, a simpler

time when it was still okay to dress up as a slutty schoolgirl in front of a

Republican Senator. Public Safety officers got so pissed off at the poor,

tired, huddled masses yearning to chug jungle juice, that they closed down

the borders of EC completely. Now EC is like a TSA checkpoint they

have one line for frequent flyers, and one line for potential terrorists
Barnard students. Because according to Columbia, when Barnard sends its

people, theyre not sending their best. Theyre bringing drugs, theyre

bringing exotic teas, theyre lesbians, and some, we assume, are good

people.

But even though its lines are the longest, EC cant yet claim the title of

hottest club on campus no, that would be Ruggles. At 11pm on a random

Wednesday night, a fire alarm interrupted Ruggles residents who were just

trying to have a quiet night of sleeping, studying, and murdering their

girlfriends. Firefighters had to break the windows just to get into the

building, making broken glass the only thing to get smashed that night! We

in the band think this is a clear sign that our campus is in need of a

refresher course on fire safety tips. So, as a reminder, students who dont

want their dorm rooms to catch on fire should avoid leaving their bongs

unattended, celebrating Hanukkah, and connecting 17 extension cords

together to make a snake named Taylor Swift.

But we in the band must inform you that one good thing has come out of all

of this housing skullfuckery. Early this semester, Spectator, the most

masturbatory group on campus other than us, lost their longtime offices.

They relocated to Riverside Church, which must be tough, since were

pretty sure all Speccies are vampires. Think about it they stay up all

night, they burn in the sunlight, and they suck the life out of everyone they

meet. Spec claims that they moved because their office lease was up, but

we know that the real reason is that the office just wasnt large enough to

hold their ego.

But through it all, Columbia wants you to think all this residential ruckus is

just a coincidence. Sometimes shower ceilings just cave in. Dorm rooms

catch on fire. Print media is shuffled away to die its slow and inevitable

death in peace. Its the circle of life. But we in the band can see that theres

something much more sinister going on. Columbia University is doing the

same thing to its residences that its doing to the residents of

Manhattanville. In fact, weve figured out Columbias ultimate goal in all of

this: to make Morningside Heights so uninhabitable that only PrezBo can

live here.
In honor of Ruggles losing its 3rd floor, Spectator losing its every floor, and

EC guards losing their shit, the band now forms a Shabbat turnstile and

plays Columbia cant let you Stay.

[Stay]

{JOKE 5 CUCR}
{JULIA}

Youve heard of Black History month, youve heard of Latinx Heritage

month, and this past October, brought to you by Columbia University

College Republicans, is White Genocide Awareness Month. This semester,

CUCR invited the finest group of speakers they could find lingering in the

tiki torch aisle of Home Depot. The two biggest speakers they brought were

Tommy Robinson and Mike Cernovich, or as we like to call them Tweedle

Dee and Tweedle Doesnt want Muslims in this country.

We in the band do have to give CUCR credit where jackbooted,

goostepping credit is due. Robinson and Cernovich are moderate choices

compared to their original invite list, which contained the less-punched side

of Richard Spencers face, Alex Jones blood pressure cuff, and Robert E.

Lees reanimated corpse. We do advise CUCR to consider their next

invitations carefully, and to think twice before placing another bulk order of

arm bands.

When protests against these events were organized, students came out

harder than a Barnard girl after a Tegan and Sara concert. Little did they

know, being protested is CUCRs kink! Theyre like a hoard of mini Milo

Yiannopouli, putting on these events less to make a point and more to

trigger the beta cuck globalist libtards. See, in CUCRs little minds, its

okay to host muslim-hating MRAs, because theyre just being i ronically

racist. Like, its just a prank, bro! While protesting is a reasonable

response, every protest sign goes right from the think tank straight to

CUCRs spank bank. Well, CUCR, if getting attention gets you off, we cant

wait to star in your sexual fantasies after the show!

Days later, flyers appeared exposing CUCR board members for giving a

platform to nazis, something everyone on their floor could probably already

tell from the whiff of burning crosses emanating from their dorm rooms.

CUCRs Grand Wizard, Aristotle Boosalis, who is somehow more racist

than the original Aristotle, went on Fox News, where he bemoaned that he
didnt have a secure setting in which to say Im not racist, buuuuuuut If

only there were some sort of, space where white men could feel safe in

their opinions you know, other than just CC. Honestly, we dont know why

Boosalis didnt want flyers advertising his beliefs on campus the real

Aristotle believed the same stuff, and now his name is on Butler Library.

But giving the alt-right attention with loud protests and angry flyers is like

telling a five year old to stop saying "I know you are but what am I?" We

all know that the only way to actually shut them up is to punch them in the

face. Next time CUCR tries to host a Klan rally, we in the band hope the

Hillel will book that space in Lerner first, so the Jews can indeed replace

them.

In honor of fake news and even faker self-awareness, the band now forms

alternative facts and plays Shut up and listen to the truth that I believe.

[Shut Up and Dance]

{JOKE 6 FOOTBALL}
{CHANEL}

This semester, the Columbia community suffered a huge blow, something

that shocked its quivering members to their core. This tragedy hurt more

than the broken promise of 24-hour JJs, and even more than when

Columbias new de-stress schedule forced us to stop jerking it and start

working it. This was far, far, worse. The football teams winning percentage

surpassed their Lit Hum grades!! This semester, shit hit the fan that is,

the one fan in attendance at Robert K. Kraft Field when the Football

Team flushed its beloved losing streak down the toilet. The team managed

to squeeze through our rivals tight ends, avoid the sack, and make a clean

break for the endzone plopping into the Ivy League standings at number

2.

We miss the old lions, miss every goal lions. Easy to troll lions, those

no-win flow lions. And, just like Kanye, fame and success inflated the egos

of every football player. We in the band long for the days when every

football game was guaranteed to be a disappointing, flaccid loss, which is

coincidentally the name of the football teams sex tape. Then it all changed

when one Al Bagnoli attacked.

After wasting 22 years of his life at the University of Penn State, coach Al

Ravioli took the journey to a real city. Columbia made him head coach of

the team after recognizing Coach Rigatonis unique talents, like being

willing to sit through Columbia Lions football games. The Lions rewarded

him with two more losing seasons, but, like Hillary Clinton continuing to run

for president, Al Gnocchi just kept coming back for more.

But not all of Al Linguinis actions are admirable not even all of them are

constitutional! When it comes to the first amendment, Al Fettucine got more

fired up than Southern California. When asked to comment on his players

kneeling during the anthem, Coach Bagnoli said, Its something thats

going to have to be rectified. Although we cant wait for the football team to

get wrecked again, we havent seen anyone overreact about knees like this

since our parents found out what we did in the Beta basement.
The excitement about the team came to a head at Homecoming, or as its

more accurately called, 30-minutes-away-from-home-going. When the

Lions won in overtime, fans rushed the field, the loudest gathering of

screaming Columbia students since the BDSM clubs last orgy. After that

display of school spirit, and the most running Columbia students did all

year, we in the band have to wonder where the fuck have you been for

the last every damn year of Columbia Football? If youre such a fan of

Columbia football, name their last five albums.

This sick, twisted fantasy of a good football team needs to stop. The

football team used to understand a core Columbia principle coasting by

on mediocrity. If we wanted a bunch of try-hard muscle heads representing

us as a school, we would have just supported the wrestling team. We just

want the football team to know that when this weird fluke is over, we will

still be here for you to fill at least some of the stands at Kraft field.

In honor of better days, the band now forms a 44-game losing streak and

plays this school is making me a Basket Case.

[Basket Case]

{CHANEL}

Well, thats all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, wed like to leave you

with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:

{JULIA}

Salt is a compound formed by the neutralization of an acid and a base. A

good concert pregame is formed by the combination of acid and a vape.

{CHANEL}

Silicon can combine with two oxygen atoms to form quartz crystals.

Silicone can combine with two breasts to form people who take crystal

meth.

{JULIA}

Ethylene is a flammable gas with a sweet and musky odor. Our roommate

Ethel is an inflammatory ass with a dank and musty odor.

{CHANEL}
And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part

of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the

solution are part of the Band!

{JULIA}

Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way
out!

[Raw]