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Gardiner 1

Daniel Gardiner

Mr. Russell


9 February 2008

Abnormal, Nabloram, Iso & Topes

Chapter 1

“I’m not a mad scientist!” Nabloram retorted to his tablemate. “I’m, well, more of a

philanthropist, you could say. I have moral standards, therefore I’m not mad.”

“Moral standards, yea, right.” she replied, sarcasm dripping from her supple lips, “oh,

and I believe I forgot to introduce myself. I’m the Messiah. Have you met my fiancé, Satan?”

“I’m serious! I’ve got more morals than the rest of the people on this island combined!”

he said, face flushing. “Okay, fine. If you come with me to my lab I’ll let you in on a little

secret project that I’ve been working on that will prove that I have high moral standards. Stop

looking at me like that!”

“I’m sorry, but that’s a pretty weak pick-up attempt.”

“It’s not a pickup attempt! OK, fine, I’ll tell you now, just don’t tell anyone else. I am

going to…”, he paused, enjoying the moment of suspense, “destroy Wal-Mart! My plan will be

ready in less than a week, and it will be the end for Wal-Mart. No more will they only hire non-

union workers on this island! No more will they force businesses to sell at little or no profit!

They and their corrupt business practices will be destroyed!”

“Umm, yea. Right. Better luck next time, buddy. I suggest working on those lines a

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He turned around, face flushing harder than ever. “Just get me out of here”, he mumbled.

Unfortunately, at that moment, he happened to notice there was a sizable group of trailer trash

directly behind him. Very large trailer trash. “Uhh, hey guys”, he managed to rasp out,

nanoseconds before he was hurled up against the wall of the bar by a giant named Clamp.

“Destroy Wal-Mart, eh? You got some guts, pal.” Now, had Nabloram any air in his

lungs, he would have pointed out that yes, he did indeed have guts, and he would appreciate it if

this giant would mind removing his spades of hands from where his guts had previously been.

As he had no air in his lungs, however, he did not manage anything except a small squeak.

“Now, I’m going to make a little ‘recommendation’ for you.” Clamp said menacingly.

“Leave Wal-Mart alone, and you might live to see next week. You see, we like their everyday

low prices, to hell with you and your bloody morals. Don’t touch Wal-Mart, and we won’t touch

you. Understood? Good.”

And just like that, they disappeared out the door, leaving Nabloram in a heap slumped

against the wall. “The things I do for women…” he said under his breath as he stumbled out the


Chapter 2

Nabloram opened the door of his datacenter/store, and walked in. ‘I did all this’, he

thought. It really was a sight to behold. In the first part of the store was something that looked

like a fine jewelry store, except in Iso & Topes, there was no jewelry. Nabloram sold nuclear

isotopes. Sitting under the 3 inch thick glass was every imaginable hue, shape, size, and glow of

nuclear rocks. “Pretty, but functional too”, he reminded himself, because it was these very

isotopes that powered his laboratory, datacenter, and staff of mutants.

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Past the display of isotopes was a datacenter of impressive proportions; row after row of

humming high-powered servers, racks of switches, and enough electricity running through to

power an above-average sized manufacturing plant, and it was past these that Nab now

journeyed. The datacenter, complicated as it was, had a secret beyond what most people would

think. In one of the server cabinets, there were all the blinking lights and fans, just like all the

rest. This one, however, did not host any files. The lights in this cabinet were not hooked up to

any hardware: there was no processing going on inside cabinet 42. It was a secret door; a tunnel

to Nab’s secret underwater laboratory.

As Nab opened cabinet 42, a small keyboard presented itself. After entering a 128-

character code, two more panels slid back, one revealing a green gel for a 3D fingerprint scan

that also measured pulse and blood pressure to make sure that the opener was alive, and the other

revealed a lens that had a laser waiting behind for a retinal scan. Having passed those, the real

fun began. Two more doors slid open below the first two, revealing two handprints, where Nab

placed his hands as he spoke his secret pass phrase. Meanwhile, a microscopic needle entered

his thumb and ran DNA tests, while the vocal recognition was in progress, and a scale precisely

measured his weight, foot size, and BMI. The final door opened after the security system was

satisfied with everything else, revealing a piano keyboard. Nab played 16 measures of a song

that he had composed many years previously, and the door silently swung open. Looking down

into the void was a seemingly endless corridor, lined with steel and blue lights, inviting to only

the purest. Down this tunnel Nab now slid, getting faster and faster. The lights lining the tunnel

flashed past with alarming speed. Suddenly, the tunnel flattened out, but, as the tunnel was so

smooth, Nabloram kept up his speed as he rocketed down the tunnel. Finally, after a journey that

seemed to last a lifetime, he arrived at his destination: The Cavern.

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Chapter 3

Impressive though the datacenter was, The Cavern was undoubtedly Nab’s most

impressive achievement. Consisting of six main rooms, The Cavern was hollowed out from the

ground directly underneath the ocean, two miles out from shore, covered by nearly a mile of

ocean above.

The first room that Nab entered was his home. It had all the amenities one would expect

in a home: running water, heating, a kitchen; all the basics, but very modernly decorated.

Looking up, he saw another of the main rooms; his bubble room. Situated directly above his

living area to act as a sort of skylight, the bubble room was on the floor of the ocean, and it was

made entirely of three-foot thick, crystal-clear, missile-proof quartz. It was a room that he was

immensely proud of, because when he asked one of the most respected undersea builders if it

could be done, the response he received was decidedly negative. Actually, he was laughed out of

the room. Here it was, however, defying the so-called “laws” of physics, a tribute to man’s


Moving onward, Nab passed into a room that had four enormous lead doors, one on each

wall. Looking like fathers of all trolley cogs, they had the appearance of being completely

immovable. Nab, however, knew better. These cogs had been milled to an error tolerance of less

than 1 nanometer, and, as a result, they were so perfectly balanced that, once unlocked, they

could be pushed aside with a toothpick despite their massive weight. Engraved into each door

was a symbol that hinted as to what lay hidden behind its mass.

The first door was labeled with a computer. It was the first in the triad of labs that these

doors hid, and, one might think, the most innocuous. It was an intellectual laboratory. Behind
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this door lurked a supercomputer beyond imagination, it was here that Nab conducted his

research into parallel universes, modeled hundreds of dimensions, and conducted research on a

teleportation device that he hoped was near completion.

The second door was labeled with an electricity symbol, for this was the second in the

triad; it was the mechanical laboratory. Behind this door, Nab worked on advanced hardware for

his datacenter, machines for The Cavern, and implemented the ideas that were initiated in the

intellectual lab. In the corner, seemingly harmless, was a device that appeared to be an empty

doorframe, with a gentle glow where the door should have been. It was, Nab hoped, the first

working teleportation device ever created. It had, however, never been tested.

The third door was labeled with a biohazard symbol. It was the last in the triad and,

perhaps, the most dangerous, for behind this door, Nab did genetic “research”, creating the

beings that lurked behind the fourth and final door.

Behind the fourth door, lay another cave of immense size. It needed no lights, because

the walls all glowed eely, bathing the cave and everything within with a steady greenish glow.

This was where all the nuclear isotopes that Nab sold in his store were mined. It was also where

Nab got the isotopes necessary to sustain the cold fusion reaction going on 10 miles underneath

The Cavern that supplied the cavern and datacenter with electricity. Inside the cave was an army

of beings. They cannot be called men, because they neither spoke, nor ate, nor drank. These

beings were sustained by the radiation that they absorbed by living and working surrounded by

nuclear isotopes. These men were born in the biological lab, if you call growing from a fetus in a

tube being born, and lived their entire life underground, never straying from the cave that

provided them with life-giving radiation.

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It was into the Biological lab that Nab now ventured, once more being subjected to a

battery of biometric tests, and there, sitting on the table, was The Answer.

Chapter 4

The Answer sat on the table, looking at first glance quite normal. There were two good-

sized jars. The first held quite a few bees, flying around peacefully. The other jar was full of a

clear liquid that appeared to be water. Upon closer inspection, however, it became apparent that

these were not normal bees, and the liquid that the other jar held was not pure mountain spring

water. The jar of bees actually held genetically modified wasps, specifically created to find a

special liquid, fill up a special bladder with that special liquid, then follow a leader to a target,

and deploy the liquid through a particulate sprayer, contaminating anything the liquid comes into

contact with. Anyone that then touches the contaminated material will have itching anywhere

that the contaminated material contacts them. The Leader was a nuclear-powered robotic insect

that was programmed to lead the swarm to Wal-Mart, in through the ventilation system, attack

everything in the store, and then return to the lab.

“Every week, I will send them back out, essentially destroying the entire inventory of

Wal-Mart, and soon they will be destroyed! I have watched this town go from a wonderful little

village of family-owned stores, and now look at it! One by one, the family businesses have been

run out of town, to be replaced by places of sin. And it all started because of Wal-Mart. Finally,

this town will get its revenge. Wal-Mart has sent us from paradise, to hell. Now, to hell with

Wal-Mart! Go, swarm! Infect the tyranny!” ‘Infect the tyranny’ was, in fact the code word that

initiated the leader to begin the attack. The wasps flew, in perfect order, into the jar, filled their

bladder with the liquid, and up into the night air, by way of a specially modified exit, partway
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through the tube that was precisely the size that would fit one wasp at a time, no more, and only

opened when the leader commanded it to be so. The swarm flew through the night air, target:


Chapter 5

The next morning, coming back up through the tunnel by way of high-powered fans, Nab

made his way towards his storefront to open for business. As he walked towards the front door,

however, he noticed the same group of trailer trash outside his store as the ones that assaulted

him the night before. When they saw him, they tried to break the glass on the front window, but

the foot-thick hardened glass was not about to be marked by the puny double-barreled elephant

shotgun they were firing at it.

“Can I help you gentlemen?” Nab said through the intercom.

“Get out here and fight like a man, you bastard! We know that you did something to Wal-

Mart, and now you are going to pay for hurting our Wal-Mart!”

Without saying a word, Nab put up a sign that said ‘Closed due to current global

economic situation’, turned around, and walked back, returning to his Cavern.

“That little $hit! We have to stop him!” Clamp declared. “That’s it. I happen to know

that he has a little hole in the ground he calls his lab that lies underwater, about two miles out

from shore. Rod, do you think that you can make some of our trailers float?”

“Is there a woman on this island that I haven’t ****ed?”

“Great”. Clamp turned to another man, who appeared a bit less brainless then the rest.

“Napster, did you get that, err, ‘Manhattan project’ completed?”

“Ready, and waiting to be armed, sir”

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“Excellent. We, gentlemen, are going to pay our friend dip$hit here a little ‘visit’”

And with that, the mob went back to their trailer park, leaving a swathe of destruction

behind them as they planned the demise of Nab.

Chapter 6

Back in The Cavern, Nab was pacing back and forth in the bubble room.

“There is no way they can know about my lab, they couldn’t attack it!”

“Unless I told somebody one time when I was drunk”

“Or maybe that chick I told last month let slip to one of them.”

“But she promised she wouldn’t!”

“Well, she was a girl… I think…”

“Ok, so they know about the lab. There still isn’t any way they could possibly even reach

it, much less attack it. And even if they did, I have my A.I. barnacle machine guns and radiation

field that would kill them far before they got anywhere near here!”

“Unless… oh no! I sold 25 pounds of purified uranium to Clamp last week! Oh, what

was I thinking?!”

“Oh, come on, there is no way he could build a nuke, he’s trailer trash!”

“Well, he couldn’t, but what about the old lab assistant, Napster?”

“Oh, $hit.”

And with that, Nab raced off to another part of The Cavern, preparing for something


Chapter 7
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“All right men, ready?”

It was the black of night, and Clamp was preparing for the deployment of his fearsome

plan. In a black caravan, the trailers made their way towards the marina’s launch ramp, and

silently slid into the water. When the black train was two miles out, they gathered in a circle.

“This is what you have all been waiting for, gentlemen”, Clamp said to the group. “No

longer will this city have to deal with him and his ‘holier than thou’ attitude, no longer will Wal-

Mart be in danger, this bastard is going down!” He paused, waiting for the cheers to die down.

“Napster, deploy the device.”

Napster produced a large cylindrical object from inside his trailer. “I made the casing out

of an old 55-gallon drum”, he explained, and, with a small splash, it began its descent to the


In the bubble room, Nab looked on in horror. “A simple nuke, I can take. But that, that

must have all 25 pounds of uranium in it! And that casing, that will direct the blast directly

downward. That thing is going to blow a hole a mile wide in the ground!”

Then, Nab did what he knew he had to do; it was his only option. He sprinted to the

mechanical lab, hoping he wasn’t too late. Sitting in front of the terminal connected to the empty

doorframe, he typed as fast as he possible could, and, within seconds, the glow in the frame

intensified. He had opened a door to a parallel universe he called Orbit 42. The Earth in Orbit

42, Nab calculated, was identical to this Earth, except without Wal-Mart.

“Goodbye, this Earth. Orbit 42, I really hope my calculations were correct.”

And with that, he stepped through the door, into a world unknown.

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Back on Earth, things were not going so well. Napster’s nuke had indeed managed to

destroy Nab’s lab. Including the control circuits governing the cold fusion reaction, it might be

good to add. As such, as soon as the nuke went off, all the control pellets in the hopper that fed

the reaction were released at once. While the trailer trash were celebrating above the water,

something far different was occurring below. The cold fusion reaction had been fed so much that

it began expanding exponentially, engulfing the rich nuclear isotope vein that had been feeding

the mine, which made it that much stronger. Growing larger, stronger, and hotter by the second,

it was only a moment before the Trailer trash felt the rumbling and looked down, to see a star

being born.

It was the last thing that they ever saw.

Twinkle twinkle, little star…

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