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WITCHAPALOOZA

By
Kamron Klitgaard
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WITCHAPALOOZA
By Kamron Klitgaard

Copyright © MMXVI by Kamron Klitgaard, All rights reserved.


ISBN: 978-1-61588-334-9

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2 WITCHAPALOOZA

WITCHAPALOOZA
By Kamron Klitgaard

SYNOPSIS: Welcome to the Annual Witches of the [Name of your town or


school] Coven Conference! The witches have gathered in the forest to discuss
their new strategy for capturing children and turning them into tasty treats. But
Jack the witch-hunter has found out about their meeting and enlists the help
of all the children in the audience to trick the witches and create a brew that
will destroy them once and for all. As it turns out, the witches’ greatest
weakness is candy! But Jack hits a snag as he falls in love with a member of
the coven of witches. See for yourself why Witchapalooza is so much
interactive fun!
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CAST OF CHARACTERS

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(7 females, 3 males)
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JACK (m) ...................................................... Witch hunter. (111 lines)


HANSEL (m) ................................................ German child. (37 lines)
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GRETEL (f) .................................................. German child. (75 lines)
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HELGA (f) .................................................... The Grand High Witch. (101


lines)
WILLOW (f) ................................................. Witch inventor. (78 lines)
LUNA (f) ...................................................... Moon-obsessed witch. (73 lines)
ZELDA (f) .................................................... Allergic witch. (58 lines)
SABRINA (m) .............................................. A manly male witch and
defensive about being male. (49
lines)
BRUNHILDE (f) .......................................... Jokester witch. (47 lines)
SCARLET (f) ................................................ A good witch – falls in love with
Jack. (127 lines)

ALL LINE COUNTS ARE APPROXIMATE

DURATION: 75 minutes
KAMRON KLITGAARD 3

SETTING

A witch’s lair in the forest with a cauldron and a large cage made from sticks
and branches.

PRODUCTION NOTES

Audience participation is written into this play but it is completely optional.


Whenever the script uses children from the audience, the option would be to
use plants or have the characters of Hansel and Gretel do all the audience
participation parts. However, using the children in the audience is simple and
adds a lot of energy to the production.

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PROPS

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A bag of witch’s spell ingredients (or things that could resemble):
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 Vial of powder
 Frog’s wart
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 Dog tongue
 Fly wing
 Vial of blood
Hand mirror
Smoke machine (optional)
A “kidding” pole (A stick, candy bar and string)
7 magic wands
Candy bar
Chair
Rope
Flyer advertising the witches conference
A sign that reads “Candy Night! Free Candy!”
6 containers full of candy
Plate of gummy worms covered with a cloth
4 WITCHAPALOOZA

SET PIECES

The only mandatory set pieces are a witch’s cauldron on a small table or
something to raise it off the ground, and a cage made from sticks and branches
to capture the children. Any other set dressing could be used to indicate a
witch’s lair in the middle of the forest.

SOUND EFFECTS

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING SOUNDS


MAGIC SOUNDS
JUNGLE SOUNDS

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CIRCUS MUSIC
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DISCO MUSIC
BALLET MUSIC

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HEAD BANGER MUSIC
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CANDY NIGHT MUSIC


an SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
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SCENE 1: Willow, Luna, Zelda, Sabrina, Brunhilde, Helga


SCENE 2: Scarlet, Jack, Hansel, Gretel
SCENE 3: All characters
SCENE 4: Scarlet, Jack, Hansel, Gretel
SCENE 5: All characters
SCENE 6: Scarlet, Jack, Hansel, Gretel
SCENE 7: All characters
KAMRON KLITGAARD 5

SCENE 1

SETTING: A witch’s lair in the forest with a cauldron and a large cage
made from sticks and branches.

AT RISE: A blood-curdling witch’s cackle! WILLOW enters laughing


and heads toward the cauldron.

WILLOW: Now, to add the final ingredients and the spell will be
complete! Here we are. Powdered lizard’s leg. (Dumps a vial of
powder into the cauldron.) Frog’s wart. Yuck, they always stick to
your fingers. (Drops wart into cauldron.) Entrails, dog tongue and

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the fly wing. (Drops them into cauldron.) And don’t forget the
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Baboon’s blood. (Pours it in.) Now for the most important ingredient
of all – the light of the moon! (Pulls out a hand mirror and reflects

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the moonlight into the cauldron.) And poof! (Nothing happens.)
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Hello? Did it work? Luna? Are you here? Luna? Luna, I need to
talk to you before the Grand High Witch arrives. Where are you,
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Luna? Oh! I forgot the most important part! All spells have to
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rhyme! Let’s see, what were the ingredients? Frog, fly, lizard, dog,
baboon, okay got it!

Powdered lizard’s leg in you go


Wart of frog, stir to and fro
Poisoned entrails in the pot
Wing of fly that I did swat
Tongue of dog and baboon’s blood
Now take a whiff, it smells like crud
Before arrives the big kahuna
I call forth my best friend Luna!

SFX: Thunder and lightning. LUNA appears in a puff of smoke.

LUNA: Willow!
WILLOW: Luna!
LUNA: How did I get here? Did I miss the meeting?
WILLOW: No, no. You’re early. I did a spell!
LUNA: A spell? I wanted to ride my broomstick!
6 WITCHAPALOOZA

WILLOW: Your broom hasn’t worked in years.


LUNA: I’ve been practicing. I’ve been watching Harry Potter and he
doesn’t grip it as low as me; he sort of chokes up and when he leans
he –
WILLOW: Would you shut up about the broom? The Grand High
Witch and all the others will be here soon and I need your opinion.
LUNA: About what?
WILLOW: Let me show you! First, we need one of those. (Points out
into audience.)
LUNA: Well, that’s just it isn’t it? And how do you propose that we get
one?
WILLOW: Watch this.

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WILLOW grabs a stick from the front of her lair which has a string
attached at the end like a fishing pole. A candy bar is tied where the

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bait would be. She hands it to LUNA.
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LUNA: What is this?


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WILLOW: I’ll get it up here, then you use this stick to lure it into that.
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(Points to the cage.)


LUNA: And how is this supposed to lure it into that?
WILLOW: Just be ready and follow my lead.

WILLOW pulls out a single candy bar, goes into the audience and finds
a child audience member volunteer. She tries to lure him/her up onto
the stage with the candy bar. She ad-libs to get the child up on stage
dangling the candy bar in front of him/her.

LUNA: Amazing! It wants that thing you’re holding. I got one at the
end of this string! Oh, I get it! Here little boy/girl. Here it is. This is
what you want.

LUNA uses the candy bar dangling from the stick to get the child
audience member to walk into the cage. WILLOW slams the gate.

WILLOW: Gotch-ya!
LUNA: Amazing!
KAMRON KLITGAARD 7

WILLOW: Quick! Do a locking spell on the door. And remember all


spells have to rhyme.
LUNA: I know all spells have to rhyme. That’s basic spell-casting! I’m
not a nincompoop, you know. I mean, if I went around not rhyming
my spells I wouldn’t get very far, would I? It’s one of the first things
we learn as witches. Rhyme your spells, rhyme your spells; they
beat it into you––
WILLOW: Alright! Just cast the spell before s/he gets away.
LUNA: Okay, let me just ready my wand.
We caught you kid, you are our score
I wave my wand and lock the front entry way!
WILLOW: Oh, for Ursala’s sake!

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LUNA: What? That should’ve worked!
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WILLOW: Luna, you do not have the gift of rhyme. Score! Score!
You were supposed to rhyme with score!

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LUNA: Really? r
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WILLOW: I’ll bet that kid could even do it. Hey kid, what’s your name?
[Ad-lib about the kid’s name.] Listen [kid’s name], can you think of
an
a word that rhymes with score? Here, fill in the blank:
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We caught you kid, you are our score


I wave my wand and lock the ______.

They wait for the child audience member to say something. If s/he says
“door,” then a MAGIC SFX happens and they go on. If s/he says
something else, they ad-lib around until they get the kid to say “door.”

See?
LUNA: That does sound better! Nice job kid. So, what is this thing at
the end of the string? How did you know s/he would be tempted by
it?
WILLOW: That’s what I want to present to the Grand High Witch at
our annual conference. It’s called… I like to do a dramatic pause
right before I say it… candy!
LUNA: Candy! Oooo! I like the sound of that. (Trying to open the
candy.) Let me try it!
WILLOW: No! You can’t eat it! Only to the child is it a delicious treat.
The price to pay for a witch to snack is certain death!
LUNA: (Releasing the candy.) I see! So…
8 WITCHAPALOOZA

WILLOW: Yummy cakes for them; tummy aches for us!


LUNA: Willow, did you just cast a spell?
WILLOW: No, no, that was just a coincidence.
LUNA: Ah. Now that we’ve caught him/her, let’s eat him/her!
WILLOW: This one’s much too scrawny. Unlock the gate and throw
him/her back.
LUNA: But I’m hungry.
WILLOW: Just do it. And remember the unLOCKing spell must rhyme.
LUNA: (Readying her wand.) Oh, yes, I get it – un-LOCK-ing spell.
Un-LOCK. Oh, yes. I completely understand. Here goes the un-
LOCK-ing spell.

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Outside this cage you cannot… WALK
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Unless this door I do un… deadbolt.

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Wait, is that right? That doesn’t seem right.
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WILLOW: Help her out [child’s name].


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Outside this cage you cannot walk
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Unless this door I do un______.

They wait for the child to say “lock.” There is a MAGIC SFX. WILLOW
opens the gate and tempts the child out with the candy.

WILLOW: Come on out, [child’s name]. I have a nice little treat for
you!
LUNA: You’re such a clever little boy/girl. And you look so tasty. Let’s
just have a bite.
WILLOW: Look at his/her arm; it’s nothing but skin and bone. This
one needs to fatten up first.
LUNA: How long will that take?
WILLOW: I’d say about four years and seven cavities.
LUNA: (Grabbing the child’s hand.) I can’t wait that long! What about
a finger? I just want to eat one finger.

LUNA brings the child’s finger to her mouth but WILLOW stops her.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 9

WILLOW: Uh-uh! You don’t want to make a mess before the Grand
High Witch arrives.
LUNA: Oh, alright.
WILLOW: Back to your parents, [child’s name]. And take this with
you. Remember, the more calories the better. (Give’s the child the
candy and nudges him/her back to his/her seat.) Don’t worry, Luna.
There are a lot more out there with a lot more meat on them. And
we have the means to catch all the children we can eat.

WILLOW holds up the stick fishing pole with the other candy bar. They
both cackle. Suddenly, there’s a puff of smoke and ZELDA,
BRUNHILDE and SABRINA appear with SFX: THUNDER AND

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LIGHTNING.
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LUNA and WILLOW: Zelda!

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ZELDA: Hello, Luna, Willow. It’s wonderful to see you again. I love
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these annual witch conferences, don’t you? Getting the old gang
back together after all these months, next year we must hold it at
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my lair, I just planted these lovely thistle patches running along the
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front walk and… wait a minute… oh no… aaaaah…


LUNA: What’s the matter?
ZELDA: Aaaaaah…
WILLOW: You’re not going to….
ZELDA: Aaaaaah… (Daintily.) Choo!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND.

LUNA: You better watch that sneeze. You’ll turn someone into a kitty
cat.
ZELDA: A warthog.
WILLOW: A what?
BRUNHILDE: That was one of her warthog sneezes. Someone
somewhere just got turned into a warthog.
LUNA: (Peering into the audience.) Oh, yeah. I see him right there.
(Points to man in the audience.) I like warthogs. (Waves to him.)
WILLOW: Brunhilde, how long has it been?
BRUNHILDE: Too long, darling. Say, I wrote some new jokes since
we last met.
10 WITCHAPALOOZA

ZELDA: Here it comes.


BRUNHILDE: Okay, okay. Why don’t witches wear flat hats?
WILLOW: I don’t know, Brunhilde, why don’t witches wear flat hats?
BRUNHILDE: Because there’s no point in it.

BRUNHILDE cackles uncontrollably. The others don’t even smile.

Get it? No point? Because our hats have points? Oh, that’s a good
one. Okay, here’s another one. How do you make a witch itch?
Take away the “w.”
LUNA: Alright, let’s get back to—
BRUNHILDE: Wait, wait! One more: How do you make a child float?

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(They just look at her.) One child and two scoops of ice cream!
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(Cackles uncontrollably.)
WILLOW: So, who is this?

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SABRINA steps forward.


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ZELDA: This is my cousin.
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LUNA: It’s a boy!


WILLOW: A boy witch? I thought all the boys were warlocks.
SABRINA: (Defensive.) No, no! Boys can be witches! There’re boy
witches. There are a lot of ‘em actually. So I’m a witch. Okay? It’s
not a big deal!
WILLOW: What’s your name, witch?

SABRINA hesitates.

ZELDA: Tell ‘em, cuz.


SABRINA: Fine. My name is… Sabrina.

They all laugh.

LUNA: Sabrina?
KAMRON KLITGAARD 11

SABRINA: Okay, so what? My mom always wanted to have a witch


and so when I came out she named me Sabrina and dressed me
up like this. I don’t see what the big deal is. Jeez! Why does
everyone think it’s so weird for a boy to be a witch!? I am so sick
and tired of hearing all this boy/girl witch/warlock talk and people
making fun of me! You ought to try being me and getting your
broom repaired or your hat shaped. The tailor looks at me like I’m
some kinda freak! I’m sick of it. (Hyperventilating.) I AM SICK AND
TIRED OF IT!!! IF I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT IT ONE MORE TIME
I’M GONNA SCREAM!!!
WILLOW: You’re right. It’s not a big deal. We’re sorry. Sheesh.
ZELDA: Calm down, Sabrina. Control your breathing. There, there.

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Good. That’s better.
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BRUNHILDE: Hey, Sabrina. What did the boy witch say to the girl
witch? Wanna be broommates? (Cackles uncontrollably.)

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SABRINA: Like I haven’t heard that one before.
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WILLOW: So, did you all come by broomstick?


BRUNHILDE: No, we witch-hiked. Ha!
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ZELDA: That’s enough, Brunny. Why don’t we… oh dear. Not
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again… Aaaaah…
LUNA: She’s gonna blow!
SABRINA: Take cover!

They all run for cover.

ZELDA: Aaaaah….
WILLOW: Anything can happen!
BRUNHILDE: Maybe we should put something in her nose!
ZELDA: Aaaaah…
LUNA: I’m not going near that thing!
ZELDA: …Choo!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. They come out of hiding except WILLOW.

LUNA: Is everyone alright?


SABRINA: Yeah, what happened? Where’d the magic go?
BRUNHILDE: Everyone make sure you have all your limbs.
ZELDA: Maybe I turned the warthog back into a human.
12 WITCHAPALOOZA

LUNA: Oh, let’s take a look. (They all peer into the audience.) There
he is. Hmmm. I can’t tell.
WILLOW: (Moving and talking in slow motion.) Hhheeeeeellllllppppp!
IIIIIIIIIIIIIII caaaaaaannnnnn’t mmmmmoooooooovvvvve!
BRUNHILDE: That’s what her sneeze did?
SABRINA: A slow motion spell.
WILLOW: Uuuuuunnnn-doooooo iiiiiiiit.
ZELDA: Someone cast a counter-spell.
LUNA: Oh let me, let me!
WILLOW: Nooooooooooo!
LUNA: Don’t worry, Willow. I can do it. She thinks I’m not a strong
rhymer.

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ZELDA: Just make sure the last word of your first sentence is an easy
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word to rhyme with; something simple.
LUNA: (Waving her wand.) Alright, here goes.

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She dresses up in all that purple… doh!
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SABRINA: (Waving his wand.) I’ll do it.


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Luna lacks skill as a spell caster
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So I’ll help Willow to move faster

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. WILLOW moves normally.

WILLOW: Thanks Sabrina. Not bad for a…


SABRINA: (Offended.) For a what? What were you gonna say?
WILLOW: I was just gonna say for a witch with shorter hair, that’s all.
Short-haired witches aren’t normally known for their spell-casting
abilities.

SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING with big puff of smoke.

ZELDA: The Grand High Witch! She’s here!

HELGA appears in the smoke. The others grovel.

BRUNHILDE: (Groveling at her feet.) Oh, Your Most High Grandness.


We’re not worthy of your elegant presence. You’re so grand and so
high and so… witchy.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 13

HELGA: That’s why I’m up here, and you’re down there. Arise, my
fellow witches. No need to grovel.

As she stands, BRUNHILDE gets too close to HELGA’S fingernails.

Aaaaaaaaaahhh! Don’t touch my nails. I just had them done. (To


her nails.) Oh, are you alright, my poor little poopsie woopsies? Did
that bad witch almost touch you with her nastiness? Don’t worry my
babies, my little snugglie wugglies.

The others give each other cuckoo looks.

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Look at these. (She displays her nails.) You see the exquisite paint,
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the eloquent design? There are no nails like these in the entire
world! Now, let the conference begin.

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WILLOW: Excellent, Helga, I mean, Grand High Witch Helga.
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HELGA: Helga will do. No need to be so formal, darling. Just don’t


touch my nails.
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WILLOW: Of course. Since I’m hosting this year’s conference I
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thought we could all stand around the cauldron.


HELGA: Very good. Everyone around the cauldron.

They form a semi-circle around the cauldron with HELGA in the center.

ZELDA: Before we start, can I ask how you grow your fingernails so
long?
HELGA: Pig vomit.
WILLOW: Pig vomit?
HELGA: Yes, you simply dip your nails in pig vomit.
LUNA: Are you telling us that pig vomit smeared on your fingernails
makes them grow?
HELGA: No, but it keeps you from biting them. Now, I hereby call the
Annual Conference of the Coven of the Witches of [Insert your town
or school] to order. The first item of business: New members.
ZELDA: Yes! We have one. I would like to present my cousin for
membership in this coven. This is Sabrina.
14 WITCHAPALOOZA

HELGA: Very good, Sabrina, step forward and we shall administer


the… (Getting her first look at him.) Oh badness gracious. You’re
a… you’re a…
SABRINA: A what? I’m a what? What is the problem?!

ZELDA is waving HELGA off behind him, pantomiming not to talk about
it.

HELGA: You’re a… uh… rather tall witch. Yes, that’s it, a tall witch
aren’t you?
SABRINA: That depends on who I’m standing next to.
HELGA: Yes, well, are you ready to take the witch’s oath?

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SABRINA: Sure, let’s do it.
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HELGA: Raise your right hand into the witch’s honor sign.

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SABRINA makes a circle with his thumb and forefinger and sticks his
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nose through it.


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Good, now repeat after me. I…
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SABRINA: I…
HELGA: State your full name…
SABRINA: …Sabrina Juliet Isabella Lisa Proctor…

The others snicker.

What? What’s so funny?


HELGA: Nothing, nothing. Let’s proceed… Do hereby proclaim
membership…
SABRINA: Do hereby proclaim membership…
HELGA: In the [Insert your town or school] coven of witches.
SABRINA: In the [Insert your town or school] coven of witches.
HELGA: And by so doing…
SABRINA: And by so doing…
HELGA: … embrace sugar and spice and everything nice…

The others snicker.


KAMRON KLITGAARD 15

SABRINA: Sounds a bit strange for a witch, but whatever… embrace


sugar and spice and everything nice…
HELGA: …and…
SABRINA: …and…
HELGA: …willingly forfeit all legal rights to...
SABRINA: …willingly forfeit all legal rights to...
HELGA: …snips and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails.

The others start laughing.

SABRINA: What?! What is so funny? Is my fly down or something?!

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They laugh harder.
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HELGA: It’s just a laughing spell. Happens every initiation. Continue

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please. r
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SABRINA: …snips and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails. There, anything


else?
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HELGA: No, that will do. We welcome Sabrina into the coven. And
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now we come to the part of devious schemes. I would like to pose


an important question: What do witches eat?
LUNA: I know! Children!
HELGA: Correct, Luna. And what do we eat apart from children?

They all think but no one answers.

Exactly… absolutely nothing. This means that if a witch’s only food


source is children, then it is vital that we be able to capture them.
The problem is, to a child, witches are scary looking, so they don’t
want to come near us.
BRUNHILDE: That whole “don’t talk to strangers” nonsense isn’t
helping much either.
HELGA: That is why I assigned each of you, at the last meeting, to
come up with a new and creative way to capture children. But before
we begin, I would like us all to go into the woods and search for
children so that we might have some subjects to experiment with.
ZELDA: Brilliant! And after we’ve experimented?
HELGA: We dine, of course.
16 WITCHAPALOOZA

They all cackle and then head out into the audience searching for
children. Eventually they exit.

SCENE 2

SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING and a puff of smoke and SCARLET


appears.

SCARLET: I’m here, I’m here! Hello? Oh don’t tell me I’m so late I
missed the meeting? I’m gonna be in so much trouble.

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SCARLET sits down and takes off her witch hat. She tosses it away.
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HANSEL and GRETEL enter the audience. They talk to audience
members.

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HANSEL: I am Hansel!
GRETEL: Ja, ja! Und [pronounced: ʊnt] I am Gretel!
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HANSEL: I like candy!
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GRETEL: Ja, ja! Und I like candy!


HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Ve like candy!
SCARLET: Hello? Is anyone out there?
GRETEL: Ja, ja! Ve are out here! Look Hansel, ein fräulein.
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ein fräulein!

They approach SCARLET.

GRETEL: Halo, fräulein.


SCARLET: Oh, hello. Two little children!
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ve are little!
GRETEL: Und ve are children!
SCARLET: Oh, two little German children! Aren’t you precious!
HANSEL: Nein! She is precious! I am adorable.
SCARLET: You’re both just so cute!
GRETEL: Ja, ja! I am Gretel.
HANSEL: Und I am Hansel.
SCARLET: Hansel and Gretel? How delightful. I could just eat you
up.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 17

GRETEL: Ve are lost!


HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ve are lost!

They sniff in unison.

SCARLET: Oh no, you can’t find your parents?


GRETEL: Nein! Ve can’t find candy!
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ve are hungry.
SCARLET: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll help you. My name is Scarlet. First,
we’ll find you something to eat and then we’ll find your parents.
HANSEL: Ve get to eat?
GRETEL: Candy?

rm fo l
SCARLET: We’ll see. I think your parents would rather you eat a
rfo ot sa
proper dinner before you have dessert.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Ve like dessert.

ce
HANSEL: I don’t like bread crumbs.
r
pe N ru

JACK enters.
an
Pe

JACK: Hansel, Gretel, there you are! Your father is worried sick.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Guten tag, Jack!
GRETEL: Ve are hungry!
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ve are hungry!
JACK: You’re always hungry. Don’t you know there could be witches
about? Oh, hello… I didn’t see… (Stunned by her beauty.) My
name is Jack.
SCARLET: (Stunned by his handsomeness.) Oh hi, I’m Scarlet. What
was that thing you said about witches?
JACK: Which thing?
SCARLET: Yes.
JACK: What?
SCARLET: That thing?
JACK: Which thing?
SCARLET: Yes.
JACK: I’m sorry, I must be flabbergasted; or under some sort of spell.
SCARLET: Well, I didn’t do it.
JACK: Of course, I’m sorry. What did you ask me?
SCARLET: You said something about witches.
18 WITCHAPALOOZA

JACK: Oh, yeah. Hansel and Gretel, you need to get home before
you’re captured by witches!
SCARLET: Don’t be silly, what would witches want with two
adorable…
HANSEL: Und precious!
SCARLET: …and precious little children?
JACK: Eat them, of course!
SCARLET: Eat them? That’s disgusting.
JACK: Scarlet, that’s what witches do, they eat children.
SCARLET: That’s ridiculous.
JACK: You obviously haven’t had much experience with witches.
SCARLET: Oh, really.

rm fo l
JACK: Witches are terrible, awful, vile creatures, who only exist to
rfo ot sa
cause others misery.
SCARLET: (Irritated.) Is that so?

ce
JACK: Oh, yes. Witches are mean and nasty and very, very ugly.
r
pe N ru

SCARLET: (Insulted.) What? They can’t all be ugly.


JACK: You obviously haven’t seen a witch before. They’re the ugliest
an
creatures on the planet.
Pe

SCARLET: Oh yeah? What about inexperienced witches?


JACK: What do you mean?
SCARLET: What if there was a certain witch that didn’t know she was
a witch for a long time, most of her life even, and then suddenly
realized that she was a witch and didn’t know very much about
being a witch and was still trying to learn, like a witch-in-training, but
she had a good heart and only wanted to do good and would
certainly never even think of eating children. So basically, she was
a good witch.
JACK: She’d still be ugly.
SCARLET: Why?!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Vhy?!
JACK: Because there are no such thing as good witches.
SCARLET: What about Glinda?
JACK: Glinda?
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Glinda!
SCARLET: The witch of the north?
JACK: From the “Wizard of Oz”? Scarlet, that was a movie. We need
to stick with reality.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 19

SCARLET: Yeah Hansel, yeah Gretel, stick with reality.


HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Reality!
SCARLET: My point is that you can’t just judge all witches if you don’t
even know them.
JACK: Fine. Next time I find a witch that isn’t disdainfully ugly and not
trying eat children all the time I will refrain from hunting it and I’ll sit
down and have a cup of tea with her.
SCARLET: You hunt witches?!
JACK: (Striking a hero’s pose.) Yes. I’m Jack the witch-hunter.
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Cheering.) Yay! Jack da vitch-hunter.
SCARLET: Oh my! I think I’m gonna be sick.
JACK: That’s exactly how witches make me feel.

rm fo l
SCARLET: (Hyperventilating.) How many witches have you slain?
rfo ot sa
JACK: Plenty. And now I’m on the trail of the worst witch of all. See,
witches are very tricky. They cast spells, and ride on brooms, and

ce
hide in the forest. They’re very difficult to find. But I’ve learned that
r
pe N ru

they’re having their Annual Coven of [your town or school] Witches


meeting right here in these woods. That’s why I’m here. I’m going
an
to find that meeting and when I do, those witches will get exactly
Pe

what they deserve!


SCARLET: (Turning her back to him.) I think I’d like you leave now.
JACK: What?
SCARLET: (Crying.) You’re horrible. I never wanna see you again.
JACK: Scarlet. What did I do? Did I say something wrong?
SCARLET: Just go!
JACK: But… I… come on Hansel. Come on Gretel. Let’s get you
home.
HANSEL: Ja, ja! I am Hansel!
GRETEL: Ja, ja! Und I am Gretel!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ve like candy!

HANSEL, GRETEL, and JACK exit. SCARLET retrieves her hat, sits
and cries.
20 WITCHAPALOOZA

SCENE 3

All the witches enter.

HELGA: Right this way, ladies… I mean witches. I think we’ve found
that there are plenty of children around these parts. We will be
feasting all night and long into next week.
LUNA: I can’t wait!

They all cackle.

ZELDA: And who’s this?

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
SCARLET stands.

ce
HELGA: Scarlet! You made it. I was afraid you’d lost your way again.
r
pe N ru

Everyone, this is Scarlet, my niece.


SCARLET: It’s nice to meet you.
an
BRUNHILDE: It’s niece to meet you! Ha!
Pe

WILLOW: She’s not very ugly, is she?


HELGA: She has recently discovered that she’s a witch! She doesn’t
know much about being a witch so she’s here to learn. Scarlet,
you’re just in time to hear all the new ideas on how to capture
children.
SCARLET: Capture children? Why on earth would we want to do
that?
BRUNHILDE: Why on earth – ha! That’s a good one!
HELGA: Sabrina, let’s hear your idea.
SABRINA: Alright. How about this? I travel to the other side of the
forest. I pull out my flute and play a magical little ditty that enchants
the children to follow me back here and right into your clutches.
ZELDA: I like it.
BRUNHILDE: It’ll never work.
LUNA: Why not?
BRUNHILDE: Because if he gets lost he won’t stop for directions.
HELGA: And what have you got for us, Brunhilde.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 21

BRUNHILDE: I was thinking that we could build a large wooden horse.


Then we push it to the edge of town. The townsfolk will think it’s a
gift and so they’ll come out and bring it inside the town. Then, after
everyone has gone to sleep, all the children jump out of the horse,
and we eat them.
ZELDA: What?
BRUNHILDE: No, wait. I said it wrong. It’s a large metal horse.
HELGA: I hope everyone’s ideas are… better. Luna, what do you
have for us?
LUNA: Forgive me, your grand highness, but I think we should hear
Willow’s plan. I’m certain it’s the best one because I’ve already
seen it work!

rm fo l
HELGA: Is this true, Willow?
rfo ot sa
WILLOW: Well, as a matter of fact, yes! Let me show you!

ce
WILLOW grabs the stick with the candy bar tied to it.
r
pe N ru

SCARLET: I still don’t understand. Why are we catching children?


an
ZELDA: We’re witches, dear. That’s what we do!
Pe

HELGA: Badness gracious, what’s that contraption?


WILLOW: If we were catching fish it would be a fishing pole, but we’re
catching kids so I call it a kidding pole.
BRUNHILDE: I like the sound of that.
HELGA: And what is that dangling at the end of the string?
WILLOW: It’s called… candy!
HELGA: And where do you get it?
WILLOW: Any convenient store.
HELGA: Alright, what’s next.
WILLOW: I have discovered that children love… candy! So what we
do is—
LUNA: Enough talk, Willow, just show her!
WILLOW: Right. Everyone stand back, you don’t want to frighten the
little monsters.

The witches step back as WILLOW dangles the candy bar over the
edge of the stage, tempting the children in the audience. She can ad-
lib for a bit until HANSEL and GRETEL enter the audience singing.
22 WITCHAPALOOZA

HANSEL and GRETEL: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la…

They find a child in the audience and talk to him/her.

HANSEL: Guten tag! I am Hansel!


GRETEL: Ja, ja! Und I am Gretel!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ve like candy!
GRETEL: Do you like candy?

They wait for his/her answer.

HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! S/he likes candy!

rm fo l
HANSEL: Vhat is your name?
rfo ot sa
They wait for his/her answer.

ce
r
pe N ru

HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! His/her name is [child’s name].


GRETEL: Vill you help us find candy, [child’s name]? Ja, ja! S/he vill
an
help us find candy!
Pe

They help him/her out of the chair.

HANSEL: Hey, [child’s name] undt Gretel, if I put candy in my mouth


it tastes yummy. My teeth are always in my mouth too but they don’t
taste yummy. In fact, my teeth don’t have any flavor at all. Do your
teeth taste yummy?
GRETEL: Nein! My teeth don’t taste like anything. Vhat about yours,
[child’s name]?

They wait for a response.

HANSEL: That’s too bad. I vish my teeth tasted like chocolate!


GRETEL: I vish my tongue tasted like gummy worms!
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Das ist gut!
GRETEL: Let’s find some candy, ja?
HANSEL: Ja, ja!
KAMRON KLITGAARD 23

GRETEL locks arms with the child audience member and they
approach the stage. They see the dangling candy bar at the end of
WILLOW’S kidding pole.

GRETEL: Candy!!!

GRETEL and the child follow the candy bar as WILLOW guides them
up on to the stage and into the cage. LUNA slams the gate shut.
Meanwhile, HANSEL is recruiting another kid from the audience.

LUNA: Gotchya!
HELGA: That was so simple! Here, let me try.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
WILLOW gives the kidding stick to HELGA.

ce
HANSEL: (To the child he’s recruited.) Let’s find some candy! I see
r
pe N ru

some! I see some!


an
They follow the candy up onto the stage and into the cage where LUNA
Pe

slams the door.

LUNA: Yum! Yum!


SABRINA: Ha! Ha! Ha! We’re going to eat you!!!
SCARLET: What do you mean?
HELGA: It’s your final step in becoming a full-fledged witch, Scarlet.
Children are the most delicious and tasty delicacy a witch can eat.
In fact, they’re the only thing we eat. Yes, we’re gonna fry ‘em up
and chomp ‘em down!
BRUNHILDE: I’m afraid we’ll have to eat these little ones raw.
ZELDA: Why is that?
BRUNHILDE: Because it’s not Fry-day! Ha! Get it? Fry-day? Ha,
ha, ha! Fry-day!
HANSEL: (Sticking a thumbs down outside the cage.) Boooo!
SCARLET: I can’t believe it! Jack was right!
HELGA: Jack? Where did you hear that name?
SCARLET: I… I…
HELGA: Spit it out, child. How do you know Jack?!
SCARLET: He… he was here… while you were gone.
24 WITCHAPALOOZA

HELGA: What did he say!


SCARLET: He said he was a witch-hunter.

All the witches react.

HELGA: Silence! Yes, Jack, I’ve heard of this Jack. His uncle was
my arch nemesis.
SCARLET: What happened to him?
HELGA: He lost. I won. So, it seems that Jack has taken up where
his uncle left off. If he’s as unfailing as his uncle was he’s probably
been looking for us for years. Did he hurt you, child?
SCARLET: No. Actually, he was nice. I don’t think he knew I was a

rm fo l
witch. I guess he’s not a very good witch-hunter.
rfo ot sa
HELGA: We shall see. He’s obviously skilled enough to find the
location of our meeting.

ce
SCARLET: He doesn’t know we’re having a meeting. I don’t think he
r
pe N ru

knows anything about us. I think it was just a coincidence that he


wandered into our meeting site.
an
ZELDA: Maybe this was a different Jack. Was he ugly?
Pe

SCARLET: Oh no, he was very handsome. And he had this wonderful


smile that created the most adorable dimple on the side of…
HELGA: If you weren’t my niece I’d say you have a soft spot for the
witch-hunter.
SCARLET: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. I was just merely pointing out
to my fellow witches how to recognize the low-down, filthy, piece of
garbage.

JACK enters the audience.

JACK: Hansel! Gretel! Where are you?!


HELGA: Well, there’s our hunter now. It’s time to prove yourself,
Scarlet. Lure him in and then capture him. Don’t worry we’ll be
close by. (Taking SCARLET’S hat.) Witches hide!
JACK: Hansel! Gretel!
SCARLET: (Conflicted.) Oh dear… Mmmm… Jack! Jack over here!
JACK: Scarlet! (Running up onto the stage.) Have you seen Hansel
and Gretel? They’ve run off again.
SCARLET: (Pointing to the cage.) They’ve been captured. See?
KAMRON KLITGAARD 25

JACK: (Running to the cage.) Hansel and Gretel and… others!

SCARLET pulls out her wand.

HANSEL and GRETEL: Halo, Jack.


JACK: Scarlet, help me free them.
SCARLET: Sorry about this, Jack. (Pointing her wand at JACK.)
Jack the hunter, you have been chosen.
You cannot move, for you are frozen.

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. JACK turns to face SCARLET just as the


MAGIC SOUND hits him. He tries to walk but he can’t move.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
JACK: Scarlet! What’s going on? I can’t move.
SCARLET: Sorry, Jack. I had to.

ce
r
pe N ru

The witches come out of hiding.


an
JACK: Witches! Scarlet, run!
Pe

HELGA: (Putting SCARLET’S hat back on her.) Nice work, Scarlet.


You are one of us.
JACK: You’re one of them?!
HELGA: Of course she is, darling. What did you think – you’d ask her
out until she sat down to tea with you?

The witches cackle.

JACK: Tell me it isn’t true, Scarlet.

All the witches look at SCARLET for her reaction.

SCARLET: (Walking around JACK, taunting and mocking.) I’m sorry,


Jack, but you’re the one who said it, witches are terrible, awful, vile
creatures. But most of all, we’re very tricky.

The witches cackle again.

HELGA: What shall we do with him?


26 WITCHAPALOOZA

ZELDA: Can we eat him too?


SABRINA: He won’t be very tender, but we could make a nice dipping
sauce out of him.
HELGA: A fine idea! Let’s tie him up.

WILLOW brings out a chair and rope.

LUNA: That was a nice spell, Scarlet. I’ll have to remember that.
Frozen and chosen. Brilliant!

WILLOW hands the rope to ZELDA and places the chair. ZELDA
approaches JACK with the rope then suddenly stops.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ZELDA: Oh no… The fibers from the rope. They must’ve gotten in
my… Aaaaah…

ce
WILLOW: Look out!r
pe N ru

The witches take cover.


an
Pe

ZELDA: …Aaaaaah…
SABRINA: She’s gonna blow!
ZELDA: (Sneezes right at JACK.) …Choo!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. JACK unfreezes. The witches look around to


see what the sneeze did. JACK moves around like a chicken.

JACK: Bwak! Bwak, bwak, bwak! Bwak, bwak!


BRUNHILDE: Hey, why did Jack cross the road? ‘Cause he was
turned into a chicken! Ha!
ZELDA: Aaaaah… Choo!

JACK changes from a chicken to a robot.

JACK: (Robot voice.) Computing. Odds of defeating supernatural


adolescent consumers: 326 to 1.
ZELDA: Aaaaah… Choo!

JACK begins river dancing.


KAMRON KLITGAARD 27

JACK: I can’t control my feet!


SABRINA: Oh man, that’s embarrassing.
ZELDA: Aaaaah… Choo!

JACK is frozen again.

LUNA: He’s frozen again.


HELGA: Someone take that rope away from Zelda!

SABRINA grabs the rope.

rm fo l
Now, make him sit in this chair.
rfo ot sa
LUNA: I’ll do it! Let’s see, chair… chair. Got it! (Waves her wand at
JACK.) Although you gave us quite a… scare. I command you to

ce
sit in this… seat.
r
pe N ru

HANSEL and GRETEL: Chair!


LUNA: Sorry. I command you to sit in this chair!
an
Pe

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. JACK struggles against the spell but sits in the
chair. SABRINA and BRUNHILDE tie him up.

HELGA: Nice catch, Scarlet.

HELGA cackles then looks at SCARLET who then tries to cackle but it
comes out all wrong.

JACK: Scarlet, please! Don’t let them eat the children!


HELGA: Oh yes, the children. Thank you for reminding me, Jack.
Bring out the children!
JACK: Are you really that wicked?
HELGA: Let me put it to you this way: My name should be engraved
on a plaque in the wickedness hall of fame along with Hitler, Stalin,
Lucifer, and the I.R.S.
JACK: Villain!

LUNA and SABRINA bring the audience member children and


HANSEL and GRETEL out of the cage.
28 WITCHAPALOOZA

HELGA: Did you kids see what happened to Jack when we put a spell
on him? Well, I want to see what happens when we put a spell on
you! Sabrina, I choose you!
SABRINA: (Waves his wand at the kids.)
We want to eat you but you’re not chunky.
Let’s see you move just like a monkey!

(An afterthought.) And make the sounds too. And be boy monkeys.

SFX: MAGIC SOUND then JUNGLE SOUND. HANSEL and GRETEL


lead the audience children in acting like monkeys. The witches watch

rm fo l
the kids and ad-lib about their monkey impersonations.
rfo ot sa
HELGA: Very good! Brunhilde, your turn.

ce
BRUNHILDE: (Waving her wand.)
r
pe N ru

Enough with the monkeys in this place.


Let’s see you make a funny face!
an
Pe

SFX: MAGIC SOUND then silly CIRCUS MUSIC. Again, HANSEL and
GRETEL lead the volunteer children in making funny faces. The
witches watch the kids and ad-lib about their funny faces.

HELGA: Their funny faces are making my mouth water. Zelda, cast
your spell on them.
LUNA: But what if she sneezes?
ZELDA: (Waving her wand.)
I want to see your feet a-tappin’
But if I sneeze anything could happen
You like cookies from Nabisco
Let’s see you dance like you’re in a disco!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND then DISCO MUSIC and disco lighting. Again,
HANSEL and GRETEL lead the children in a disco dance. The witches
watch the kids and ad-lib on their dance moves and try to get the
audience to cheer them on.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 29

JACK: Stop! Stop!

The music and lights stop.

It’s so cruel making them dance like that. Disco?! Have you no
decency? Please don’t make them dance anymore!

ZELDA Sneezes and ballet music plays. HANSEL and GRETEL lead
the kids in ballet dancing. ZELDA sneezes again and the music
changes to head banger music. HANSEL and GRETEL lead the kids
in head banging and air guitar.

rm fo l
HELGA: Enough! Put them back in the cage!
rfo ot sa
LUNA and SABRINA put them back in the cage. Then LUNA waves

ce
her wand. r
pe N ru

WILLOW: Remember, rhyme with door.


an
LUNA: Got it.
Pe

You’re the first, but we want more


So lock the desk and… Dang it!
SABRINA: (Irritated.)
You’re the first, but we want more.
I seal you up and lock the door.
Sheesh!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND.

LUNA: Show off.


JACK: You heartless wenches! Scarlet, you can’t let them eat these
children!
HELGA: We’re going to do more than that, Jack. We’re going to fatten
up every child in town and then we’re going to use Willow’s kidding
pole to capture them. All of them!

They cackle.
30 WITCHAPALOOZA

HELGA: (Continued.) Willow, you say these children never grow tired
of this candy substance?
WILLOW: That’s right. They’d eat it 24/7 if their parents would let
them.
HELGA: And you say this candy has a lot of calories?
WILLOW: Oh, yes. And most of it also contains saturated fat.
HELGA: Then this is what we’ll do: We’ll hold a special day - no, a
night. Yes, a night where all the children can have free candy!
Spread the news to all the children in the town. Every witch is to
give away this candy to every child. We’ll fatten them up in one
night. And then we’ll capture them all.
ZELDA: It’s brilliant!

rm fo l
HELGA: We’ll trick them all with a simple treat! What shall we call it?
rfo ot sa
SABRINA: We should call it Trick-or-Treat!
HELGA: No, let’s just call it Candy Night.

ce
ALL WITCHES: Candy Night!
r
pe N ru

HELGA: Yes, Candy Night!


an
They all cackle.
Pe

WILLOW: Oh! Uh… Just a fair warning to all witches: Don’t eat the
candy! It’s poisonous to our kind. Mouth-watering for them, witch-
walloping for us!
HELGA: Good safety tip from Willow. Thank you, Willow. Now let’s
get going.

All the witches exit cackling.

SCENE 4

JACK sits tied up. HANSEL and GRETEL peer out the cage.

HANSEL: Hallo, Jack.


JACK: Hello, Hansel.
GRETEL: Hallo, Jack.
JACK: Hello, Gretel.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ve are—
KAMRON KLITGAARD 31

JACK: Hungry, I know. I’m afraid I’ve let you down. I can’t get loose.
I think the ropes have been magically imbued.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, Ja! Imbued!

SCARLET enters.

SCARLET: Jack!
JACK: Scarlet!

SCARLET rushes to JACK and tries to untie him.

SCARLET: I can’t get the rope untied. It’s like it’s been—

rm fo l
HANSEL and GRETEL: Magically imbued!
rfo ot sa
SCARLET stands up and points her wand at JACK. He winces.

ce
r
pe N ru

SCARLET: With all my power you shall not die


For these ropes will now untie!
an
Pe

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. SCARLET dashes to JACK and unties him.


JACK takes the rope off and grabs SCARLET and pushes her back
against the cage.

JACK: You’re a witch!


HANSEL: I don’t think that’s how you pronounce it!
SCARLET: Jack, please!
JACK: You tricked me!
SCARLET: I’m sorry! When you said that all witches are mean and
ugly I…
JACK: You what? Captured a few children for dinner?
SCARLET: I didn’t know. I had to pretend to be one of them so that I
could rescue you.
JACK: Deceiver!
SCARLET: I rescued you.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Rescue!

JACK softens then releases her.


32 WITCHAPALOOZA

JACK: I guess you did do that. Can you open the cage?
SCARLET: (Waving her wand.)
Children frolic and be free to play
As I unlock the front entry way.

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. GRETEL opens the gate and the children come
out.

JACK: You’re free! Scarlet, I’m sorry. I was wrong.


SCARLET: No, I was wrong. You were right. We are grotesque. I’m
a dirty, disgusting, blemished, revolting, sickening, repulsive,
nauseating, filthy creature. And I’m not just fishing for compliments.

rm fo l
JACK: That’s nonsense! You’re none of those things. You’re the most
rfo ot sa
beautiful person I’ve ever seen.
SCARLET: But I’m a witch! And my kind eats children. (Dry heaves.)

ce
Yuck! (To the children.) No offense.
r
pe N ru

HANSEL and GRETEL: None taken!


SCARLET: Take the children back to their parents, Jack. And then…
an
(Cries.) …just burn me at the stake.
Pe

JACK: Don’t be silly, Scar. Listen, how did you become a witch?
SCARLET: My mom was a witch. So I guess I was just born this way.
JACK: Our birthright isn’t what makes us who we are, it’s the choices
we make that define us. And look at the choice you just made. You
freed them! You freed me! Those other witches just expect you to
be wicked, but you made your own choice.
SCARLET: You mean I don’t have to eat children?
JACK: Of course not! You’re free to choose your own path.
SCARLET: (Kneeling down to children.) Did you hear that, kids? I
don’t have to eat you!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Yay!
SCARLET: I’m so happy I could just eat y… hug you! (Hugging all the
children including HANSEL and GRETEL.) I don’t know why they
would want to eat you. (Aside.) They don’t even smell good. Oh
Jack, I’m so happy!

SCARLET and JACK hug. They pull back a bit and realize the feelings
they have for each other. They are about to kiss but…
KAMRON KLITGAARD 33

HANSEL and GRETEL: Ve are hungry!

SCARLET and JACK break apart.

JACK: Alright, you kids, let’s get you home.


SCARLET: Jack, wait! You heard the plan. If we take these kids back
home they’ll just get caught again along with all the other children
in these parts. We’ve got to stop the witches.

Behind JACK and SCARLET, HANSEL and GRETEL find the kidding
pole, open the candy and share it with the audience member kids.

rm fo l
JACK: Scarlet, I have a confession to make. I’m not really a witch-
rfo ot sa
hunter.
SCARLET: You’re not?

ce
JACK: No. In fact, before tonight I’d never even met a witch.
r
pe N ru

SCARLET: Then how do you know so much about witches?


JACK: My uncle was a witch-hunter. He told me stories about the
an
Grand High Witch. One night he said he’d finally found her and then
Pe

he left to hunt her down. He never returned. So I vowed that I would


finish what he started. But let’s face it, I’m no witch-hunter. I’ve
never even had any training.
SCARLET: There must be something of a witch-hunter inside you.
How else could you have found the secret location of our annual
meeting?
JACK: (Pulls out a flyer or program for the show.) It was on this flyer.
See?
SCARLET: Okay. So, what was your plan?
JACK: First, I find the secret location of the witch’s annual conference.
SCARLET: Okay, you did that. What’s next?
JACK: Well, I didn’t really expect that part of the plan to work so I
didn’t plan anything after that.
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Eating.) Ve like candy.
SCARLET: That’s it! Remember what Willow said about candy?
JACK: She said it was poisonous to their kind!
GRETEL: Ja, ja! Mouth-vatering for us!
HANSEL: Vitch-walloping for them!
SCARLET: That’s it! We just need to get them to…
34 WITCHAPALOOZA

JACK and SCARLET: …eat some candy!


HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Candy!
JACK: But they know it’s poisonous. How do we get them to eat it?
SCARLET: Don’t you remember? We witches are very tricky.

JACK tries to cackle.

Don’t do that again. We’ll need that candy at the end of Willow’s
kidding pole. First, I’ll need to replicate it into lots of candy. Then
we can make it into a concoction that doesn’t look like candy. And
that’s how we’ll get the witches to eat it.

rm fo l
They turn to the children. GRETEL is holding the kidding pole. Only
rfo ot sa
the wrapper remains. JACK grabs it.

ce
JACK: Hansel! Gretel! And you other kids! You just ate our plan!
r
pe N ru

SCARLET grabs the wrapper from JACK.


an
Pe

SCARLET: It’s okay, Jack. Look, all the ingredients are here on the
wrapper. If we can just find all these ingredients we can mix them
into Willow’s cauldron and make our own candy. Then we just add
a little magic, and poof!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Poof!
JACK: Monosodium glutamate? I don’t know what most these
ingredients are! How are we supposed to find them?
SCARLET: We’ll use the children!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Hooray! We’re made out of monosodium
glutamate!
JACK: No, she means you’re gonna help us find them. But how?
SCARLET: Wait a minute! We don’t need to find each ingredient!
Remember the witches plan about Candy Night?
JACK: Yeah, they’re gonna fatten up all the children out there in one
night with a bunch of… I see where you’re going with this!
SCARLET: All we have to do is get the children to donate a little bit of
their candy—
JACK: Straight into Willow’s cauldron! We’ll use their own plan
against them. Do you think it will work?
KAMRON KLITGAARD 35

SCARLET: I guess that depends on the children.


JACK: Kids, are you ready to trick the witches and get some treats?
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja!
JACK: While the witches think that they are fattening you up for their
next meal, you children will really be collecting the candy to make
our own brew.
HANSEL: But ve vant to eat the candy!
SCARLET: You can still eat most of it. All we need is for each child to
put one piece into the cauldron. Can you do that?
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Nodding yes.) No!
SCARLET: Hansel, Gretel, if you give up one piece of candy, the
witches will never be able to capture you again. Now, can you do
that?
rm fo l
rfo ot sa
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Shaking their heads no.) Ja!
JACK: (Angry.) Hansel and Gretel! If you don’t give up just one piece

ce
of candy the witches will eat you, and if they eat you, you will never
r
pe N ru

be able to eat another piece of candy ever again!!! Now, will you
give up just one piece of candy?!!!
an
HANSEL and GRETEL: Okay. (They sniff simultaneously.)
Pe

SCARLET: (Kneeling down to the audience member kids.) You kids


spread the word. Tell all the other kids that on Candy Night
remember to secretly put one piece of candy into Willow’s cauldron.
Then we’ll be able to make a special candy brew that will destroy
the witches once and for all. Now, go back to your parents. (She
sends them back to their seats.) Hansel and Gretel, if this is going
to work, we can’t let the witches know we’re onto them. You’ll need
to go back into the cage.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Yay!

HANSEL and GRETEL run back into the cage and shut the gate.

SCARLET: Jack—
JACK: (Sitting in the chair.) I know. I need to remain tied up.

SCARLET wraps the rope around him.

SCARLET: (Kissing his cheek.) For luck.


36 WITCHAPALOOZA

SCARLET exits.

JACK: Wow. (Looking out at the audience.) Alright kids, let’s hunt
some witch.

Blackout.

SCENE 5

WILLOW enters with a container full of candy and a sign that says:
“Candy Night! Free Candy!” and shows it to JACK.

rm fo l
WILLOW: What do you think of my sign, Jack?
rfo ot sa
JACK: You spelled “candy” wrong.
WILLOW: (Turning it to see.) What?! (Seeing that it’s spelled

ce
correctly.) Oh, Jack, don’t be poor loser. And the important word
r
pe N ru

there is… LOSER!


JACK: You witches are horrible!
an
Pe

WILLOW cackles and hangs the sign somewhere visible. She admires
it.

WILLOW: What a great sign!

LUNA enters with a container full of candy.

LUNA: (Showing her container.) Willow, look at all the candy I got! I
even got moon-shaped ones!
WILLOW: That’s wonderful, Luna! I made the sign, see? I even glued
some candy onto it. Do you think it will work? Will the children take
our candy?
LUNA: Of course it will work! I mean, what if the shoe was on the
other foot and we saw a sign that said “Children Night! Free
Children!” Would you fatten yourself up on some free kiddies?
WILLOW: No, it sounds like a trick to me. So when is it?
LUNA: When’s what?
WILLOW: Free Children Night! I can’t wait!
LUNA: I think your sign will work.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 37

ZELDA enters with a container full of candy.

ZELDA: I brought my candy. I’m so glad this stuff is sealed and pre-
packaged. I know it’s only toxic to us witches if we eat it but you
can’t be too careful. I don’t even want to touch it, and I sure don’t
want to… aaaaah… aaaaah… aaaaah….
WILLOW rushes to put her finger under her nose, stopping the sneeze.

…Inhale it. Thanks Willow.


LUNA: Just keep that sneezing magic blaster under control. If you
were to sneeze at the wrong time, your spell flinging nostrils might

rm fo l
mess up our entire plan.
rfo ot sa
ZELDA: Ah, you’re exaggerating. Everyone sneezes. It’s as common
as breathing.

ce
r
pe N ru

BRUNHILDE enters with a container full of candy.


an
BRUNHILDE: I got the candy!
Pe

ZELDA: Where’d you get yours?


BRUNHILDE: At [name’s a local convenient store]. And do you know
what the clerk said to me? She said, “Don’t you know that eating
all that candy can rot your teeth and make you fat?”
WILLOW: What’d you say?
BRUNHILDE: I told her that I did not know that but that my
Grandmother lived to be 108 years old.
LUNA: And what’d she say to that?
BRUNHILDE: She said, “Are you saying she lived that long by eating
candy?”
ZELDA: And what’d you say?
BRUNHILDE: I said, “Nope. She lived that long because she knew
how to mind her own freakin’ business!” (Cackle laughing.) Ha!
That’s a good one! Mind her own freakin’ business! Ha!

SABRINA enters with a container full of candy.

SABRINA: Are you laughing at me?! Why is everyone always


laughing at me?! I have a Master’s degree in herbololgy you know!
38 WITCHAPALOOZA

BRUNHILDE: Maybe you should get a doctorate.


SABRINA: A doctorate? Why?
BRUNHILDE: Because then you could be a witch doctor! Ha!

BRUNHILDE cackles on. Suddenly, SABRINA points to the sky.

SABRINA: Look out! A house!

BRUNHILDE ducks and takes cover. Nothing happens.

ZELDA: He got you on that one, Brunie!


BRUNHILDE: Falling houses are no laughing matter.

rm fo l
ZELDA: Did you bring your candy, boy?
rfo ot sa
SABRINA shows his candy.

ce
r
pe N ru

LUNA: Good. Now all we need is—


an
HELGA and SCARLET enter. Only HELGA has candy.
Pe

HELGA: We’re here! Is everything in order?


WILLOW: I made the sign!
HELGA: (Approaching the sign.) “Candy Night! Free Candy!”
WILLOW: Do you like it?
HELGA: You spelled “candy” wrong.
WILLOW: What?!
HELGA: Just kidding, darling. It’s wonderful! Now, does everyone
have the candy?

They all answer affirmatively except for SCARLET.

SCARLET: I’m sorry, Aunt Helga, I wasn’t able to find any.


SABRINA: Did you try Walmart? They have it in huge bags.
HELGA: Well, that’s okay, you’re new. Besides it looks like everyone
else got plenty.

SCARLET goes to WILLOW’S cauldron and touches it, almost


displaying it.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 39

SCARLET: But isn’t there something I can do, you know, to help on
our triumphal night of children eating?
HELGA: Ah, yes. I’ve got just the thing. Once the children are all
fattened up we’ll need to cook them. I need you to get that cauldron
ready. Can you do that, Scarlet?
SCARLET: This cauldron? Of course, you can count on me!

SCARLET winks at JACK.

HELGA: Good. Then we’re all ready.


LUNA: What about him?

rm fo l
SABRINA: What about me?! Just because I’m a boy witch doesn’t
rfo ot sa
mean that I can’t—
LUNA: Not you! Jack! What are we gonna do with Jack?

ce
HELGA: Hmmm. Jack. Drag him back over by the cage. We don’t
r
pe N ru

want the kiddies to see him, but I want Jack to see our whole plan
unfolding right in front of him, and to know that there’s nothing he
an
can do about it.
Pe

They all cackle and drag JACK over to the cage.

HANSEL and GRETEL: Halo, Jack.


LUNA: (Eyeing HANSEL and GRETEL.) Weren’t there more of them
before?
WILLOW: Nah, it only seems like it because those two are so
obnoxious.
HELGA: Let them out. They need some candy too.

WILLOW opens the gate for HANSEL and GRETEL.

HANSEL and GRETEL: Yay! Candy!


BRUNHILDE: Won’t they warn the other kids of our plan?
HELGA: No, they’re too stupid.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja, ve are stupid.
JACK: You’re monsters! All of you! Monsters!
HELGA: Scarlet, be a good witch and cast a zipper spell on his mouth.
40 WITCHAPALOOZA

SCARLET goes to JACK and pantomimes a spell, while all the witches
gather around HELGA.

ZELDA: Oh, I’m so excited!


WILLOW: Let’s do it!
HELGA: There’s one last thing: Our hats. Everyone take off your
hats. They’re a dead giveaway that we’re witches.
BRUNHILDE: Oh yes, we don’t want the little brats knowing that we’re
witches or they wouldn’t take any of our candy.
SABRINA: How stupid of us!

They all take off their hats and place them in a pile.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
HELGA: There now. Spread out. Good. Now we’re ready. (Stepping
up to address the audience.) Girls and boys, kiddies and kiddos,

ce
Welcome to the First Annual [Insert name of town] Candy Night!
r
pe N ru

NOTE: At this point HELGA can invite all the children in the audience
an
to come up on the stage and collect a piece of candy from each witch
Pe

as it is written, or the witches can go into the audience and distribute


the candy to all the kids.

HELGA: We invite all the children, far and near, to join us up here for
free candy!

All the witches encourage the kids in the audience to come up onto the
stage. They ad-lib about how cute they are and how good it is to see
them, etc.

SCARLET and HANSEL and GRETEL are the key to crowd control with
the kids. They go into the audience and encourage them to come up
onto the stage. When the audience member kids get a candy from
each witch, SCARLET and HANSEL and GRETEL encourage them to
toss one candy into the cauldron and then have them go back to their
seats. During this time, music appropriate for trick-or-treating can be
played. They can talk to them and give them instructions as needed.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 41

Once all the children are back in their seats, HANSEL and GRETEL
lock themselves back in the cage and HELGA addresses the audience.

HELGA: Thank you all for participating in Candy Night! And don’t
forget, eat it all up!
SABRINA: But not all in one night because it might give you a tummy
ache.

All the witches give him a look.

Oh, yeah, uh, I mean, go ahead and eat it all in one night. It won’t
make you fat or anything.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
ZELDA hits SABRINA.

ce
HELGA: Again, thank you for coming, and let those calories go to
r
pe N ru

work. See you all next year!


an
All the witches wave.
Pe

BRUNHILDE: Okay, they’re gone.


ZELDA: Finally. Can we start luring them in now? I’m starving.
HELGA: Let them finish their candy. We want them nice and plump.
Is the cauldron ready, Scarlet?
SCARLET: (Looking inside.) It sure is.
HELGA: Good. In a few minutes they’ll be nice and plump. Drag Jack
up here, I want him to have a good view as we dine.

They drag JACK back. He tries to talk but can’t open his mouth.

WILLOW: Nice zipper spell, Scarlet.


BRUNHILDE: Hey, I gotta question. If the candy is poisonous to us,
and the kids eat the candy, and then we eat the kids, doesn’t that
mean that we’re eating the candy too?
ZELDA: No, no. The candy goes through a purification during the
digestive process.
SABRINA: Speaking of the digestive process, I gotta go potty.
42 WITCHAPALOOZA

LUNA: Yeah, is there an outhouse around here? Preferably one with


a moon on the door?
HELGA: Good idea, let’s take a bathroom break. Meet back here in
ten minutes.

All the witches exit.

SCENE 6

SCARLET sneaks back on.

rm fo l
SCARLET: (Untying JACK.) Nice pretending on the zipper spell, Jack.
rfo ot sa
JACK: Did we collect enough candy to create the brew?
SCARLET: With all of those helpers, we must’ve gotten… it looks like

ce
we’re two pieces short.
r
pe N ru

JACK: Hansel?! Gretel?!


HANSEL: Ja, ja. I am Hansel.
an
GRETEL: Und I am Gretel.
Pe

JACK: I know who you are! Did you put a piece of candy into the
cauldron?
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Nodding yes.) Nein!
JACK: You put nine pieces in?
GRETEL: No. “Nein” is the German word for “no.”
SCARLET: You each need to put a piece of candy into the cauldron.
Do it now, please.

HANSEL and GRETEL each pull out a piece of candy and hold them
over the cauldron but can’t drop them in.

JACK: Drop the candy into the pot.


HANSEL: We did.
JACK: No you didn’t. They’re still in your hands.
GRETEL: Nein, we dropped them a long time ago.
JACK: Drop the candy!
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Crying.) We can’t!
JACK: (Loudly.) You drop that candy right now or so help me I’ll give
you something to cry about!
KAMRON KLITGAARD 43

SCARLET: Jack! Relax. Hansel, Gretel, do you need some help?


HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja.
SCARLET: (Looking out to the audience.) Are there any children out
there that could help Hansel and Gretel? Go get them, dearies.

HANSEL and GRETEL go into the audience and choose one kid each
to help them and bring them up on the stage.

GRETEL: These two will help us!


SCARLET: Good. Now hold the candy over the pot.

HANSEL and GRETEL hold their candy over the pot again.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
Now, you two make them put it in.

ce
They ad-lib to get the volunteers to get the candy into the pot.
r
pe N ru

JACK: Yes! Finally! Can we make the brew now?


an
SCARLET: Yes, the final two pieces must be accompanied by the
Pe

magic word and magical move.


GRETEL: Magical move? Vhat ist dat?
SCARLET: You make it up. You make up the magic word too but the
magic word has to rhyme with the prominent ingredient in that
candy.
JACK: I hope it wasn’t monosodium glutamate.
HANSEL: Don’t be silly, Jack. It vas Gelatin.
GRETEL: So ve have to rhyme with Gelatin?
HANSEL: I know, our magic word can be smellaton!
GRETEL: Nein, nein. Dats stupid! I like Gelatin Skeleton!
SCARLET: That’s a great rhyme, Gretel!
HANSEL: Nein. Smellaton!
GRETEL: That doesn’t make any sense. Smellaton is not even a word!
HANSEL: It is too! If you get sprayed by a skunk you smell-a-ton!
GRETEL: Nein! Skeleton!
HANSEL: Smellaton!

They argue and fast slap at each other until JACK pulls them apart.
44 WITCHAPALOOZA

JACK: Knock it off! It doesn’t matter if it makes sense, just rhyme!


HANSEL and GRETEL: Gelatin Smell-a-ton skeleton!
SCARLET: Good. Now, all of you say the magic words and then do
your magical move at the same time.
HANSEL and GRETEL: (Encouraging the volunteers to shake and
move like them.) Gelatin smell-a-ton skeleton! Gelatin smell-a-ton
skeleton! Gelatin smell-a-ton skeleton!

They do some silly movement and end by pointing at the cauldron.


SFX: MAGIC SOUND.

SCARLET: Excellent!

rm fo l
JACK: What’s next?
rfo ot sa
SCARLET: (Stirring the cauldron.) Let me just stir them up.
JACK: Now add your magic!

ce
SCARLET: r
pe N ru

Dextrose, Beeswax, Artificial Flavors


Citric Acid looks like party favors
an
Corn Syrup, Coconut, Red Dye Number Five
Pe

Once the witches eat it they’ll take a nose dive!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND.

It’s finished.

SCARLET pulls a plate out of the cauldron covered by a cloth. She


peaks under the cloth.

JACK: What did it make?


SCARLET: It’s a little treat I like to call… you’ll see. Let’s not give
away the surprise. Jack, the witches will be back soon.
JACK: Right, Scarlet, take those kids back to their parents.

SCARLET leads the kids back to their seats.

Hansel and Gretel, if our plan is to succeed, you’ve got to go back


in the cage.
HANSEL AND GRETEL: Ja, ja! In da cage!
KAMRON KLITGAARD 45

SCARLET: (Gives them the covered plate.) Wait, take this. Hide it in
the cage. But whatever you do, don’t eat it!
GRETEL: Is it yummy?
SCARLET: Uh… it’s made out of vegetables. Green beans and peas.
HANSEL: Yuck!

JACK shuts them in the cage. He brings the kidding pole to SCARLET.

SCENE 7

The WITCHES enter into the audience.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
JACK: I put a new candy bar on the kidding pole.
HELGA: Oooo! Look at all the kiddies! They’re looking chubbier

ce
already! Let’s grab a couple to hold us over before we capture them
r
pe N ru

all!
an
They all cackle.
Pe

SCARLET: Jack! They’re back. Your ropes!

JACK sits in the chair and SCARLET ties him up. Then she sneaks off
the stage and joins the witches with the kidding pole.

HELGA: Where’s the kidding pole?


SCARLET: Right here!
HELGA: Luna, you and Willow lure some children into the cage.

The other witches choose two or three audience member kids to go up


on stage and get lured into the cage. They ad-lib about the children
they catch and how tasty they’ll be. Once the children are in the cage,
all the witches enter the stage.

HELGA: Jack! Right where we left you. What’s the matter? Have
you no manners? You’re supposed to stand when ladies have
entered your presence.
46 WITCHAPALOOZA

JACK: You are not ladies! Release me and I’ll send you all to your
graves.
WILLOW: Why would you say that?
JACK: What?
WILLOW: I mean, if you want us to release you why would you tell us
that if we do release you you’re going to send us to our graves?
LUNA: Oh yeah, that is weird. You tell us to do something we don’t
want to do and then warn us that if we do it, something bad will
happen do us. It doesn’t make any sense.
SABRINA: It’s like saying. “Here, jump of this cliff and land on those
spikes at the bottom.”
BRUNHILDE: Or hold this scorpion in your hand, it will sting you.

rm fo l
ZELDA: Or eat this candy, it’s poisonous.
rfo ot sa
BRUNHILDE: Yeah, that is weird.
ZELDA: Maybe he’s using reverse psychology on us.

ce
BRUNHILDE: What’s that?
r
pe N ru

ZELDA: It’s when you say the opposite of what you really want in order
to get someone to do something they don’t want to do.
an
SABRINA: What’s the opposite of “Release me and I’ll send you all to
Pe

your graves”?
WILLOW: The opposite of release is capture.
LUNA: And the opposite of me is you.
SABRINA: So, “Capture you and you’ll receive me to my… What’s the
opposite of “grave?”
JACK: Trivial?
SABRINA: Thanks, So, “Capture you and you’ll receive me to my
trivial.”
ZELDA: Hold it! What if he just used reverse psychology on that word?
SABRINA: What’s the opposite of trivial?
BRUNHILDE: Grave!
ZELDA: He must want to send us to our grave!
BRUNHILDE: Nice try, Jack. But we figured it out and we’re not falling
for it.
HELGA: Alright, knock it off! I’m getting hungry. Scarlet, it’s time for
your initiation. Bring us some hors d’oeuvres before we cook up the
main course.
SCARLET: Right away, Aunt Helga.
LUNA: Ooo! I can’t wait to sink my teeth into their tasty flesh!
KAMRON KLITGAARD 47

LUNA opens the gate as SCARLET enters the cage and stands among
the children. LUNA is watching close and leans in to get a good look.

SCARLET: Luna, could get out of my light? You’re causing an eclipse.


LUNA: Oh, sorry.
SCARLET: Alright children, get over here!

LUNA moves away from the cage. SCARLET kneels down and huddles
up with the kids. SCARLET secretly instructs the audience member
children what to say.

rm fo l
SABRINA: I can’t wait to have my first bite.
rfo ot sa
ZELDA: I’m not even gonna chew it; just swallow it whole.
WILLOW: I’m not gonna chew it either. I’m gonna let it sit on my tongue

ce
and roll it around.
r
pe N ru

LUNA: I’m gonna chew it. But I’m not gonna swallow. I’m just gonna
chew and chew and chew until it’s a big mushy mush in my mouth.
an
And then I’m gonna chew it some more.
Pe

SABRINA: That’s disgusting. Just eat it like normal people, you


weirdoes.
BRUNHILDE: I’m gonna make up some joke, like, “Hey waiter, there’s
a fly in my child.”
HANSEL: Oooowwwiiiee! Please don’t cut off my finger!
GRETEL: Ja, ja! Not my finger!
LUNA: Fingers! She picked my favorite part!
BRUNHILDE: I love finger food!
AUDIENCE CHILDREN: (HANSEL and GRETEL can help them.) No,
not our fingers! Please don’t cut off our fingers! I won’t be able to
do my homework! No not my finger! (Etc.)
SABRINA: Sounds delicious!
SCARLET: Let me out! I’ve got them!

LUNA opens the gate. And SCARLET exits with the plate that is no
longer covered with the cloth. [It has six Gummy Worms laid out on it.]

LUNA: Ooo! Me first!


SCARLET: Relax! There are plenty of fingers for everyone!
48 WITCHAPALOOZA

All the witches take a “finger” from the plate. They dangle them over
their mouths.

WILLOW: Mine’s red.


SCARLET: Uh… from the blood.
SABRINA: Mine’s green.
SCARLET: Must be gangrene… adds flavor.
ZELDA: I gotta blue one.
SCARLET: He was really cold; could be frostbite, like a popsicle.
ZELDA: Oooo, a finger-sicle!

rm fo l
One by one, the witches scarf down the “fingers” except for HELGA.
rfo ot sa
She is about to eat it when…

ce
HANSEL: Yum, yum… Dose don’t look like vegetables! They look like
r
pe N ru

gummy fingers.
GRETEL: Can I have a gummy finger?
HELGA: What?
an
Pe

SCARLET: Nothing. They’re obviously delusional from losing their


fingers.
HANSEL: Ja, ja! Ve are delusional! Can I have a gummy finger?
LUNA: Oh, my stomach. I don’t feel so well.
WILLOW: Me neither.
HELGA: You, children! Show me your hands!

HANSEL and GRETEL and the other children thrust their hands out of
the cage showing they have all their fingers.

HELGA: It’s a trick! Don’t eat them!


SABRINA: (Collapsing.) Too late!
BRUNHILDE: (Collapsing.) We’re done for.
ZELDA: (Collapsing.) I wish I was on a diet!

All the witches except for HELGA double over and are dying.

HELGA: Scarlet, you betrayed us! Now you’re going to have to die
along with your boyfriend.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 49

SCARLET: He’s not my boyfriend. We just met. We haven’t even


been out on a date. I mean, if he were to ask me I’d probably say
yes, I mean, I might say yes; of course, it depends on where we
would be going. I mean, I don’t wanna go anywhere tacky or
anything, like Denny’s or Village Inn, but if it were a nice restaurant,
you know, like The Olive Garden, I’d probably consider it. Oh, who
am I kidding? If Jack asked me out to Taco Bell I’d go.
JACK: Scarlet, will you go—
HELGA: (Whipping out her wand.) Too late! You deceived us so now
you will pay!

Before she can start her spell, JACK jumps out of his chair and grabs

rm fo l
her wand.
rfo ot sa
JACK: Ha-ha! Now, I’ve got your wand! Say goodbye!

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JACK winds up the wand and is about to shoot it at HELGA when…


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ZELDA: Aaaaaah-choo!
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SFX: MAGIC SOUND. JACK and SCARLET are frozen. HELGA takes
the wand.

HELGA: Yoink! Ha, ha! You’re too slow. Now, Scarlet, you first, then
I’ll deal with Jack, then I’ll eat you children.
HANSEL and GRETEL: Okay!
WILLOW: (Staggering.) Hold it. I feel like I’ve been scared half to
death… twice. (Dies.)
LUNA: Willow, don’t go! Maybe a spell can save us:
Inflammation of my hemorrhoids reminds me of your smile
I have stomach pains plus heartburn and am choking up some bile
My allantoidal cancroids cause my fever and bad breath
I love my warts and hairy legs as I go to my… (Dies.)
HELGA: Ooooo! (Turns back to SCARLET.) You’re going to pay for
that!
ZELDA: Aaaaaah-choo!
50 WITCHAPALOOZA

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. HELGA is frozen and JACK and SCARLET


unfreeze.

JACK: (Taking back the wand.) So the tables turn again.


BRUNHILDE: (Staggering.) Wait, I’m trying to think of a good dying
joke, but I’ve got nothin’.
SCARLET: You were just going to eat these children. And now you’re
dying. I don’t think joking about it is appropriate.
BRUNHILDE: Wait, wait, I got it. Knock, knock.
JACK: Who’s there?
BRUNHILDE: I eat dude.
JACK: I eat dude who?

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BRUNHILDE: You eat doo-doo? That’s worse than eating children.
rfo ot sa
HELGA: (Still frozen.) Ha, ha! That’s a good one! She got you. But
what does that joke have to do with dying?

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BRUNHILDE dies.

Oh.
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JACK: Let’s take care of the Grand High Witch before Zelda sneezes
again.
ZELDA: Aaaaaah-choo!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. JACK and SCARLET freeze. HELGA unfreezes


and grabs the wand.

SCARLET: Dang it!


HELGA: Nice one, Zelda.
SABRINA: (Staggering.) I just wanna say, girls drool, boys rule!
(Sabrina dies.)
HELGA: Not Sabrina too!
ZELDA: It’s okay, he kept leaving the toilet seat up.
HELGA: Nevertheless! You two will pay! (She winds up her wand
and…)
ZELDA: Aaaaaah-choo!

SFX: MAGIC SOUND. HELGA freezes and JACK and SCARLET


unfreeze.
KAMRON KLITGAARD 51

JACK: So, the tables turn yet—


SCARLET: Just get the wand!
HELGA: Wait! You got another sneeze in there, Zelda? Come on,
one more. You can do it!
ZELDA: Aaaaaah… Aaaaaah… Aaaaaah… (Dies.)
HELGA: Ah, nuts.
JACK: (Grabs the wand and tosses it to SCARLET.) Scarlet, here.
SCARLET: Gummy fingers travel south
But only when you open your mouth.

SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. HELGA involuntarily opens her

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mouth wide. JACK takes the gummy finger from her hand and puts it
rfo ot sa
in her mouth and then he makes her chew. She swallows.

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JACK: That’s it for you, Helga!
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HELGA: I’m not afraid of death! I just didn’t want to be there when it
happened. This is gonna be awkward. (Dies. But she’s still frozen
an
standing up.)
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JACK: (Checking her.) She’s dead. Hmm, she was right; this is
awkward.
SCARLET: All the other witches fell
So I release you from this spell.

SFX: THUNDER AND LIGHTNING. HELGA crumples to the ground


and SCARLET tosses her wand on top of her. HANSEL and GRETEL
and the other kids cheer. JACK lets them out of their cage and sends
the audience members back to their seats.

JACK: We did it, Scarlet. The children are safe and the witch threat
is no more.
SCARLET: (Snuggling up close to JACK.) Now that everyone’s safe,
isn’t there something you wanted to ask me?
JACK: Oh yeah, um… I was just wonderin’ if you… um… and I mean
if you’re too busy or didn’t want to or had to clean up this mess, I
would completely under—

SCARLET lunges in and hugs or kisses him.


52 WITCHAPALOOZA

SCARLET: Sure, I’ll go out with you.


HANSEL and GRETEL: Yay!
JACK: Alright, Hansel and Gretel, let’s get you back to your parents.

JACK and SCARLET exit hand-in-hand. But HANSEL and GRETEL


stop at HELGA and pick up the wand.

HANSEL: Ein magic vand vill come in handy.


GRETEL: Vhen you want to eat some candy!
HANSEL and GRETEL: Ja, ja! Ve like candy!

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They exit with the wand.
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Blackout.

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THE END
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NOTES: