01/03/01 Issue no: 1004


Life after the Womb

Comic Relief



They think it’s all over - it is now!
By Tom Sugarman Elections Corespondant The climax of months of toil, frus tration and sleepless nights came to a climax last Friday evening when the results of the Sabbatical elections were announced. An hour later than scheduled, the results were in! The candidates and their supporters, assembled in Harris bar, were told to move down to the union dancefloor to receive their fate. The night’s first successfully elected candidate was Lisa Widdows who will be next year’s Vice-President for Education & Welfare. Although Lisa was the only candidate in the contest she easily saw off the challenge of RON (Re-open the nominations) by taking a mammoth 90% of the vote. After her victory Lisa told Barefacts that she wanted to thank all her supporters and that she was relieved to have avoided the humiliation of the nominations being reopened. When asked if she had any advice for future candidates she replied, ‘Chubba Chups are the way to go for a successful campaign!’ VP Finance & Development was the first contested result of the night. The first ‘candidate’ to be eliminated was RON on 156 votes. The next eliminated candidate was Mark Limbrick. Those who voted first for Mark acted as ‘king maker’ since the elections are run on a transferable vote basis i.e. the candidate voted for after Mark received that vote which meant that John Geeson was victorious on 449 votes, 62 votes of which were transferred form Mark. On his success John wished to thank his friends for all the help they’d given him especially for organising his campaign. Defeated sabbatical wannabe Mark Limbrick said he thought he’d done better than expected, admitted he was disappointed with his hustings performance but was going to enjoy himself regardless.

VP Sports & Comms
The order the results were announced followed that of Hustings so the next result received was VP Sports. Denise Goodwin won at the third stage after RON’s and Simon Chappel’s votes had been transferred. Before the result was known Denise was relaxed stating that ‘whatever will be will be’ and that she was very tired with the effects of campaigning all week, a dissertation and a physiotherapy session all catching up on her. Obviously jubilant in victory Denise was quick to credit oth ers and paid special tribute to friend Hannah who she said she couldn’t have won without. The ecstasy of success is always in contrast to the dejection of the defeated candidates and this occasion was no exception. Unsuccessful candidate Dave ‘Beaker’ Civil was gracious in defeat and said, ‘I’m disappointed to have lost in one of the closest races for a while but I wish Denise

all the best for next year.’ Tristan O’Dwyer emerged victorious from the contest for VP Communications and Marketing. His statement before the announcement was made that he was ‘quietly confident’ was clearly prophetic. He also mentioned that it was the most tiring week of his life and that, in his own words, he was ‘getting mashed tonight’, (Friday). Fair play to both losing candidates who were prepared to give quotes both before and after the result. Luke Hickey said he enjoyed the week campaigning; he was only expecting to come third so had done better than he expected, although was particularly shocked that one women admitted to voting for him because he was the best looking candidate. (Would that lady please contact Union reception for details of the nearest optician – ed). When asked about his future Lovebite said he’d wait and see what happened, but thought he would end up travelling. Andrew Thomas noted that all the candidates got on

well but wanted to mention that to inject some fun into the tedium of the election he bought with him an inflatable alien whilst campaigning! Andrew certainly won’t be dwelling on defeat though as he has ambitions to create a new indie centred music magazine – he adds that anyone interested is welcome to write on it!

ner fellow Societies and Culture candidate Phil Hatwin helped him put the banner back up.

The President
The final result to be read out was the most important job of all - the President! This was the biggest turnout of any of the Sabbatical elections but Adam Jakeway stole a resounding victory with 676 votes with nearest challenger Logan Hillier on 507. Adam declared that the contest had been interesting, had been worth every minute but also that it had been the 3 most stressful weeks of his life and that he had virtually no sleep during those 3 weeks. Logan noted during his campaign that ‘Bangra’ music was popular and that the was a popular desire to bring music nights in the Helen Rose Bar into the main Union in particular ‘Innocence’ night featuring R’n’B and Hip-Hop. continued on page 3

Da Cul Cha!
The Societies and Culture VP position was won by the most resounding margin of all the sabbatical positions. James Buller triumphed with an almighty 627 votes out all the 1142 votes cast. James with his distinctive ‘JPB’ campaign, imitating the construc tion company motif was understandably ecstatic and had a whole list of numbers to phone to spread his good news. Most candidates said they had amicable relations with their competitors but James made one stark illustration of this - when he was fixing a ban-

From left to right: (back row) James, Denise, Adam, Lisa, (front row) John & Tristan.


News 1-3 n

Features 5-6, n

Barearts 7-14


Lifestyle 16 n

Sport 18-20

Editorial Team
Kevin Marston Hi all,


please come and see me or send us an email. ‘phased’ will be hitting the streets again in May and so barefacts are looking for feature writers for this task. So if you want to write a feature, do an interview, write a story, review a gig/theatre/book or anything please let us know. If you want to contribute in any way but are not sure what to write then contact me or David Abbott (features ed) as we both have ideas. hmmm, it’s not particularly a short one is it....oh well

Deputy Editor
Luke Hickey

Production Editor Andy Thomas News Team
Mike Rolfe James Buller

It’s only a very short editorial this time as I don’t have that much time to write it. So lets make a start.... congratualtions to Tristan O’Dwyer who is the new Communications & Marketing Officer for next year and I hope you enjoy the late nights. This week’s edition sees the introduction of a new symbol to the paper. So if you see the following symbol located on any of the articles in the paper please be advised that this article may conatin material that could be of offensive nature to the reader.


Political Editor
Reuben Thompson

Features Editor
David Abbott

Music Editor
Owen Hazelby

Film Editors
Libby Hurt

The introduction of this symbol into barefacts was suggested by the Ethical adn Environmental Committee of the Union as they had received a few comments about the material in bf over the last year. On another note I would like to thank all the people who have responded to the barefacts advert for writers and if anyone else would like to write for the paper

Sports Editor
Dave Chapman

...News In Brief...News In Brief...News
Surrey Braced Against Food & Mouth
A 5-mile zone around a Guildford abattoir has been set up in response to the Foot and Mouth disease crisis currently sweeping the country. Chitty's slaughterhouse in Slyfield housed a bull that may have been infected with the airborne cattle virus. Blood tests on the animal have proved inconclusive. Concerns were raised when it emerged that infected pigs might have been transported through Surrey last week. As a further precautionary measure, three Surrey farms, which supplied the Essex abattoir where the disease was first identified, have had 21-day livestock movement restrictions placed upon them. A Council spokesperson said however "we are still one level below declaring an 'infected area'". While harmless to humans, Foot and Mouth is dev astating to herds of certain animals. Angus Stovold, a farmer in Shakleford said, "If we do get it, it would be a disaster." At the time of going to print (Tuesday), there were 19 confirmed outbreaks of the highly contagious Foot and Mouth disease. The latest was in Anglesey showing that the condition is spreading around the country. So far Surrey has not been hit and the Council has taken measures to reduce the risks of the county being so. Guided country walks have been cancelled. Many attractions and nature reserves have also been closed until further notice. The Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food (MAFF) is urging the public, to avoid walking or riding in the countryside, especially near any farmland. Dogs being walked in rural areas are expected to be kept on leads The Council's Youth Service centre in Dorking has been temporarily closed, forcing the postponement a large Scout convention and "cyclocross". Surrey's 160 Duke of Edinburgh's Award centres have also put off all outdoor expeditions. Youth Manager, Martin Cusselle, said: "Many areas that are traditionally visited by young people on expeditions will be cordoned off. If the crisis continues it is likely to have a big impact on the award programme." Meanwhile the Council's Trading Standards Department is continuing to help police and MAFF officials monitor the situation across the farming industry in Surrey. They are enforcing the nationwide ban on livestock movement declared by MAFF. School to his home in Brockham. He was last seen trying to hitch a lift at the Chessington roundabout at Hook at 3.55pm on April 23. Surrey police have always kept the investigation open, being optimistic of a breakthrough. Now working with the Metropolitan Police, Det. Supt. Dave Cook, said they were now following "very strong" new lines of inquiry. The detained man is aged in his 60's and was living in the West Midlands.

Marketing Team
Ali Danby Ellen van Keulen

Tom Sugarman Simon Robinson Anna Wheeler GU2 All the Sports people

Eggs, Milk & errmm...??
Pancake fever gripped the universtiy this week. Annual Shrove Tuesday saw many students holding pancake parties in kitchens all over campus. On Wey 1 Emma and Hudda had an efficient production line going for their housemates. After 20 delicious servings the pair concluded they were top notch tossers. The day is traditionally for using up food in preparation for fasting during Lent, part of the Christian, Easter festivities. Alex H eyed the Aftershock bottle on the table and considered finishing it off. People commonly use Lent to abstain from some favourite consumable. Alex decided against her initial idea. Meanwhile the Surrey Advertiser was forced to des perate appeal for more material. "Calling all pancake lovers. Where are you?" asked an insert in last week's paper. It painfully continued: "It appears there are only a few official pancake races taking place in our area... We can offer a little post publicity, so if your school is or society is preparing to batter the ceiling call us".

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Suspect For 32 Year Old Murder
A man is being held by police investigating the murder of a Surrey schoolboy 32 years ago. Roy Tutill was killed in 1968 as he returned home from school. He was sexually assaulted and his body was discovered later in woods near Leatherhead. A man was arrested and questioned last week about the case as well as two attempted abductions in 1998 and 1999. Tutill was 14 and travelling from Kingston Grammar




continued from page 1 All the successful candidates attended a dinner with the Vice Chancellor, various university VIPs as well as, of course, the newly elected sabbaticals in the Oak Suite that evening. Despite the fact that only 10% of those eligible to vote did so’ this year’s election had one of the biggest turnout’s in the university’s history. The closing event of the election campaign came at midnight at the FNO Beach party where the results were read out to the masses with the elected candidates, on stage, embarrassingly thanking people for their support. Another equally important election that was counted on Friday was the bi-annual NUS affiliation debate. The electorate voted a resounding ‘Yes’ to remaining part of the NUS with 92.6% voting for affiliation to continue. However, clearly enthusiasm for the NUS is not shared by Imperial College, London who are currently not affiliated to the NUS. Congratulations to all the successful candidates who will be back next year but commiserations to all the unsuccessful candidates who put in so much effort into the campaign.

.News In Brief continued.
Scottie commented "Give me somewhere to live and I would not be kipping on the tarmac." Pauline Humphreys of Guildford Homeless people in Guildford were stripped of their belongings and Police said, "We have a real problem with a certain group of people kicked out last week by authorities. who are a frequently abusing resiHowever the vagrants have defiantly returned to their favourite site dents and passers by, dropping litter and generally behaving in an and intend to stay. anti social manner." Police and Council workers "Unfortunately because they are descended on premises owned by not always committing criminal BT in Haydon Place on Tuesday offences and they are on private morning. The location is popular amongst the rough sleepers as the property the police do not have sufficient powers to deal with them. building has outlets for hot air at It is extremely frustrating when we ground level. Complaints from local residents however provoked receive numerous letters of complaint from local residents who BT in to action. Vans collected rubbish and furni- then accuse us of not doing anyture while the pavement was disin- thing about the problem." BT, the Police, the Council and fected. Personaly property of the vagrants was taken to a nearby other agencies met this week to consider a long-term solution to shelter for collection. By Thursday the issue. however the homeless were back. Paddy said, "They are not moving me on from here. I'll stand my ground. They can only arrest us".

Homeless: Moved On, Come Back

be heard


Your Emails


Your Emails
To: barefacts From: Chris Apostolou Subject: RE: GATS Cc:
I am writing in response to the article written by Emma Van Huysse regarding the General Agreement on Trades and Services (GATS). The World Trade Organisation (WTO) was established to reduce the trade barriers that governments create to protect domestic industry from competition. It is a well known fact that competition increases efficiency and the general well-being of society, in the UK for instance gas prices have continually fallen for the last five years due to increased competition. By pursuing profits this does not mean that a company is 'against' society, if done properly (as the WTO intends) the competition introduced lowers prices for these services the poor so desperately need. When governments are allowed to favour domestic companies, these companies know that they do not have to bother to improve the quality of their services as people have no choice to buy from them. It also untrue that these initiatives are forced upon countries, the WTO is a multilateral organisation and membership is voluntary, as is whether a country signs up to any agreement. The organisation occasionally does get involved in dispute resolution and recently ruled against the EU which was refusing to allow Latino countries a fair opportunity to import banana's to Europe. Now there are increased jobs for third-world workers in the industry, and cheaper banana's for Europeans, a win-win situation. This involvement also stops many countries from going to war. There is also great protection for health and the environment, in the WTO's 'constitution' of the GATT article 20 it is clearly stated that countries are allowed to take actions to protect human, animal or plant life or health and to conserve exhaustible natural resources. Other clauses aim to promote interests such as food safety. The best way to help the thirdworld escape poverty is to encourage firms to enter countries, pushing up wages and standards. It is easy to see for instance in China where special economic zones for investment were set-up around 25 years ago, that the average wage can be around ten times higher than in excluded area's which are as poor now as they were 52 years ago when the WTO's predecessor the GATT was established.

To: barefacts From: Name & address supplied Subject: Housing Cc :
Once again a blunder by the accommodation office has left hundreds of students in a troublesome situation, on a randomly produced waiting list for on-campus accommodation. Many students at this university are doing four-year courses and assume that final year on-campus accommodation is guaranteed, but in truth this is far from the case! Only a few courses at this university are three years in duration, and most obvious being nursing and dancing. For these students the time of application for next year's accommodation has been and gone, and now they are discovering the grim reality of the system. Many are left on what seems to be a randomly produced waiting list, and here is one such story in detail: A young lady from a small island off the coast of France (not mentioning any names) has been refused campus accommodation for her third and final year. This means that she has been left very high on the waiting list for accommodation on campus. She inquired as to why she was not guaranteed a place on campus being an international student, and they replied that she was not classed as an international student, even though her family pay over £4000p.a. fees for her to attend this university. Granted this is not the full amount payable for a person not of British origin, which is around £9000, but I'm sure you will agree, it is still a considerable contribution to this university's welfare. Surely there is a floor in the system, there should at least be some order of merit for this decision, but alas having spoken to many people on the fatal list there seems to be no logical order. This girl may now be forced to live in nursing accommodation just behind Gill Avenue. OK for some, if you don't want to be treated as student, and if you don't want to partake in student life on campus, stranded along way from campus, which is especially an issue with all the security notices we keep seeing about never walking alone at night. Plus, if this is what she is forced to do, the nursing accommodation is being refurbished during next year, causing her to be living in a porta-kabin while writing her dissertation! Not something I would fancy. After the hunt for off-site accommodation last year, many second year students were left stranded by this university in very awkward situations, living miles away and commuting in for their lectures, therefore being denied a social life, through not being able to afford the long trek to the union and probably shattered from all that travelling. Or alternatively being left with nowhere to live, frantically searching up until the last minute before term started, even then many being left in the lurch with nowhere! Soon it will be the turn of the current first years to undergo the rigours of the system, where they could be winners of the university-housing lottery, although most will come out as the unfortunate losers. Good luck to you all, we all pity you having been there ourselves. If this is the case next year and many people are without on-site accommodation after returning from their industrial years next, there will be anarchy. The University need to address this situation soon. The solution is not building one "train" of new housing to solve the problem of lack of on-site accommodation. If there are too many students for the accommodation available, it seems that there are only two logical answers, more accommodation or less students, the choice is yours University of Surrey! Intake into this university is growing every year, isn't about time something was done?

To: barefacts From: Name & address supplied Subject: Housing Cc:
Dear Barefacts According to Alex Stanway (Barefacts 15/02/01) the market is apparently far better at allocat ing resources than any government could ever hope to be, going on to suggest that this is “obvious” and therefore brooks no argument against any claim to the contrary. Just what are the “obscene” wastes of resources to which Alex refers earlier in his/her letter? For sure the Millennium Dome (equal in cost to five years plus of free higher education for all by the way) and certain other wobbly monuments to the Reverend Blair’s ego would not get much disagreement from me as obvious white elephants from the outset. That said the relinquishment of the state’s role in the provision of resources to private organizations and charities is another matter entirely. Do we really wish a return to the days of provision for the homeless being reliant upon the recipient’s acceptance of what may be an alien religious moral code being foisted on him/her? Must we also go down the road of ad hoc educational provision, which if present at all requires the student to adopt the political beliefs of the provider. I for one am glad I am not studying at Bob Jones University or I may be the subject of a witch hunt if this letter is printed! The point is that the benevolence of the great and good is rarely without a price, even where it exists at all which leads me to a second related point. Does anyone genuinely believe that if 40% of the nation’s wealth were “freed up” that some would “trickle down” into charities and education? How much is “some” in any case. There are enough examples of the disintegration of public services under privatization to fill a book let alone an e-mail. For one I give you the railways. Nuff said. In fact just wait until March 26th and see how long it takes for your mail deliveries to become shall we say, somewhat like the railways. Of course we are not “given” such services for free. We pay for them through the taxation system that Alex Stanway finds so repellant. But that is just the point. When I or my son receive a public service such as education it is OURS. We have already paid for it and we receive it without the taint of any benefactor. Alex is of course correct in asserting that such rights should not be “handed down” from above as “entitlements” to be withdrawn at a later date yet it is a misreading of history to think that this was ever so of the few remnants of public provision that still survive. They were fought for and won by suffragettes, unions, some politicians, and even students (once upon a time!). For sure government is both centralized and slow, and yet, I would much rather submit (for now!) to such an arrangement than be provided for by the anarchy of the greed merchants in the city. No singing hymns for soup for me thank you very much! yours. Barry Fentiman.

To : barefacts From: K A Warren Subject: HRB Express Cc:
I am writing to complain about the foul taste left in my mouth from the lies fed to me by the staff at the HRB express. When I have been either low on food or working late to a coursework deadline, getting food from the HRB has been essential. It saves the time of having to cook a meal and food is available when most other shops are closed as I'm sure you are all aware. When I'm working late, my work schedule is planned bearing in mind I can get food during the HRB express' opening hours. Not an outrageous assumption to make. Far too often I have gone there around half an hour before it's scheduled close to find it closed. On two more recent Sundays, I even asked the staff in there what time they closed. On both occasions I was told midnight. The first time, at 1130 pm, it was closed when I returned. The second time, I returned at 1050 pm and was told they were not taking any more orders. On both occasions not only did I waste time making these trips, I also had to waste time cooking as well. We all should be allowed to go to the HRB express at our convenience. They shouldn't choose to serve us at theirs. I worry whether the staff are being paid for these hours that they aren't working, unnecessarily adding to the debt of the union. I appreciate that the staff continue working after food stops being served but surely then the times advertised should be changed If they continually fail to achieve their commitment. Some common decency would also not go a miss when informing customers what time they intend to close. This situation should be checked by the appropriate people so will not happen to other people depending on the HRB express. K A Warren

Please send all responses to emails to barefacts not the author. If you would like to write a letter then please send it to barefacts@ussu.co.uk




Rich W Goes To The Elections
It appears that no matter where who would American's most like to the acquisition of whichever sabyou go at the moment, be it to the have around for dinner'. Now you batical position was desired - that toilet or to another country, you might argue that, of course, you really appears to be the way it really cannot get away from an want a man with a good personali- works. (That's not to say that the election of one sort or another: ty to become your president (other- person who finds themselves in we've already had the London wise we would be in the realms of that position isn't the person for the mayoral election and the American dictatorship), but the whole pitch of job - it's just to say that they'll cerpresidential (excuse for an) elec- the campaign battles was more tainly be a beneficiary of those cirtion and now we're going to be 'Gore vs. Bush', not 'Democratic cumstances). subjected to a General Election at vs. Republican': it always has been I think my other worry with an some point in Easter. Not only and it will always will be. electoral process such as the one these, but we also have our own Bring this back and apply it to our we've all experienced is as a result VP and Union President sabbatical own elections and what do you of people's starch unconcern for elections going on at the moment get? Posters on the wall with some candidates proposed dealings if (although by the time you'll have person's face on them, familiaris- elected to 'office'. I mentioned earread this, we'll all be far too aware ing themselves to the students they lier that I didn't like campaigners of who's in and who's not). hope will vote for them. Don't get forcing issues down my throat in an In all truth, it equates to a lot of me wrong here - I'm not saying that attempt to secure my vote and it's elections. is necessarily the fault of the candi- this I'd like to address - it almost Now I can only speak for myself date: they are only going about feels like a loss of autonomy and here, but I'm a little sick of these things in a way that seems to have that I cannot feel relaxed when tryprocesses by which our supposed become the norm over the past few ing to walk from A to B. It's a feel'representative years or so. ing that everyone has experienced v o i c e s ' ...The essence of the whole No, I think it is in a much more familiar way b e c o m e election, was not 'who had more a fault in whenever a 'homeless' person appointed - it the way people asks if you have any spare change, would be nice the better manifesto’ but go about figur- you instantly feel more self-conto turn on the more 'who had the better ing out who scious and a little uncomfortable; news or walk personality'... they will vote the same occurs if you come across camfor. I'll bet that across a monk in the street when pus without some banner-wielding, the vast majority of students who they ask you to donate money for slogan-shouting, vote-pinching have voted over the past week whatever cause they happen to be candidate attempting to convince haven't even come close to read- supporting. The fact is, they me to vote for them because ing the manifestos of the candi- approach you and take away they're better than the other per- dates. It's almost guaranteed they whether or not you have a choice son; it would be nice to not have lit- didn't attend hustings. So how can to donate or not - they give a list of tle bits of paper with some clever this majority of people therefore reasons why you should give little play-on-words stuffed into my justify the votes that they have money and you are left feeling terpocket for me to find at a later date cast? They can't, after all, turn rible because you deny them your and wonder how on earth it got around to a change. My there; it would be nice to not see dissenter and ...Being a familiar face or point is, you the face of someone I've more than list reasons having a pretty girl cheering may actually likely never met before plastered for their for your side probably donate at a all over any advertising space I choice of canlater date, or happen to set my eyes on. All d i d a t e culminating in the acquisition may already these things would be nice, but I because they of whichever sabbatical have done know they are never going to hap- probably don't position was desired... so, but in that pen. know what case, you So why is this? Why do we sud- the candidate was hoping to have made your own choice and denly have people we don't know achieve. What is more likely, I your own decision, based on your trying, it would appear, to become believe, is that they were simply own beliefs and ethics, with regard our friends in order to guarantee walking around campus and then to any charity/collection fund they our vote. Well, we only need to suddenly set upon by the cam- are supporting. Somehow, by look at the nature of an American paigners I mentioned earlier and approaching you and asking, they Presidential campaign to see. then goaded into voting for whoev- remove the freedom of choice and When George W. Bush and Al er happened to get hold of them instead, to a certain extent, force Gore went head-to head, they first. Very effective from the cam- the issue. Now, applying this back were literally fighting against each paigning point of view (for which I to an election, we have exactly the other: the essence of the whole applaud the candidates) but some- same principle - people coming up election, as with all American elec- what negligent on the voter's to you and pushing you to vote and tions that have gone before, was behalf. not letting you get on and do it not 'who had the better manifesto Hence we find ourselves in a whenever you want to. I underand who was going to offer a better position of being a familiar face or stand that they need to make up for America to its civilians', but more having a pretty girl cheering for apathy (this refers back to the 'who had the better personality and your side probably culminating in 'starch unconcern') and that they may argue that people would never vote if they didn't create such an explosion of awareness, but it would be nice if someone had a more subtle campaign - this would mark them out somewhat and maybe work in a reverse psychology kind of way. Perhaps if someone campaigned behind the slogan "Don't Vote If You Don't Want To", they might have a surprising amount of success. As it is, the results will already have been documented, discussed and demeographed and we'll all carry on next year not really knowing what the people we have voted for are actually doing for us. We'll be under a government that I imagine will have been re-elected and we'll be moving closer to a unified Europe quicker than you can say

"Tony Blair has got more hair than William Hague and that's probably the only reason he's Prime Minister". As I mentioned before, elections are being fought over the battle ground that is personality and not on the field labelled 'manifesto bulletin points'. Maybe, therefore, we can look forward to the day that our most popular television and music celebrities move into the field of politics and we argue not over whether we should become a part of Europe, legalize

drugs and allow human cloning for scientific purposes, but instead over having laws enforcing at least one night out a week, discussing the new seasons fashion on Newsnight and having a referendum on the next series of Big Brother being allowed to go ahead or not. Fundamentally, that's the problem with politics - it's just not cool and funky.

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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Lovebite here; another week, another millionaire, and it appears that the features ed, one David Abbott has given me rather a large amount of space to fill in my introduction this week, so I have two choices, either subject you all to another photograph of me in one of my C&A poses or just waffle for quite a few lines. I chose the latter. This weeks sees the newly elected sabbs battle it out to win the coverted crown of general knowledge. To celebrate this I thought I would make the quiz just that little bit harder. So in the hot-seat this week are president-elect Adam Jakeway, comms-elect Tristan O’Dwyer, societies-elect James Buller, finance-elect John Geeson, sports-elect Denise Goodwin and education and welfareelect Lisa Widdows. Don’t forget the grand ‘Weakest Link style’ final in the union, probably Friday 16th March (week 9). And don’t forget to support Comic Relief that day by either giving us your money or voting many times in the Phantom’s election. Since Mr. Abbott has left me this much space to fill, I might as well explore the virtues of voting for him. So don’t forget vote [1] David Abbott for the gunge. If not you could always vote for Kev, I’m sure he deserves it. The Questions 1 (£100): What food is traditionally eaten on Shrove Tuesday? a: Eccles Cakes b: Fairy Cakes c: Cream Cakes d: Pancakes 2 (£200): Which country hosted the 1966 football World Cup? a: England b: France c: Australia d: Germany 3 (£300): By which name was Richard I also known? a: The Tigerheart b: The Lionheart c: The Bearheart d: The Sharkheart 4 (£500): In which city would you find the Louvre Museum? a: Paris b: Washington c: Sydney d: Vienna 5 (£1,000): Which animal’s home is called a dray? a: Badger b: Squirrel c: Fox

Denise Goodwin
First up was the new sports sabb, Denise. She began with little confidence, saying, “My general knowledge is pants. I do wish that it was real money though, as I’m skint.” Despite this, she began really well, sailing through the first five questions with consumate ease. Problems began with question 6, where she openly professed to not have a clue and duely asked the audience. Denise decided that the answer to question 7 was badger before giving me a chance to read out the possible options, she quickly changed her mind upon hearing this and answered correctly. However, question 8 proved her downfall, as she first took a 50:50, then decided that the Wasps rugby player Mark Denny wrote the novel rather than Jules Verne. Always promising from a sports sabb. £1,000

Adam Jakeway
Next was the new president, the oneway man Jakeway, who began by saying, “I hope this one is easier than ther one in Chancellors.” Well, the first four questions proved relatively easy for the new supermo, but he began to falter on question 5 as his lack of knowledge on nature matters was exposed. However, the audience were overwhelming in their answer and he decided to follow. Questions 6 to 8 proved no obsticle but question 9 proved the downfall as he took a 50:50 and then guessed wrong, saying b - Paris and wasted all his hard work. £1,000

Lisa Widdows
Next years VP for Education and Welfare was third up and began with a request, “I’m an ex-blonde dancer, please be easy.” We can only assume that she meant she wanted the questions to be easy. The newly redhaired lass copied Adam in sweeping through the first four questions as if they weren’t even there and then requiring the audience’s help in answering question 5. However, Lisa’s downfall proved to be earlier than Adam’s as she required a 50:50 on question 6, then guessed wrongly that the Quo released Rubber Soul. Still, was right to guess as she didn’t loose anything. £1,000

John Geeson
The geezer was up next and began with his trademark honest, “I’m not normally good at this quiz lark but I’ll try to keep up the financial end up by getting disqualified like Luke Mac did. Well, John was right to be worried, he got question 1 correct but began struggling as early as the second question, taking a 50:50 and then saying England, “I knew England won but thought it was a bit obvious that they also hosted it.” Questions 3 and 4 were a bit easier but John again required assistance on question 5, where the audience were required to help him through, he followed their advice and secured the gauranteed thousand pounds. The run ended on question 6, where he thought it was Paris, took a 50:50 to make sure and answered Paris. Unfortunately it was Paris in French Connection I, not II. £1,000

d: Gerbil

6 (£2,000): Who recorded the album ‘Rubber Soul’? a: Queen b: The Beach Boys c: Status Quo d: The Beatles 7 (£4,000): What kind of animal is Sooty’s friend Soo? a: Dog b: Cat c: Penguin d: Panda 8 (£8,000): Who wrote the novel ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’? a: James Spearit b: Jules Verne c: Mark Denney d: Simon Davinson 9 (£16,000): Which city is the setting for ‘French Connection II’? a: Marseilles b: Paris c: Bordeaux d: Lyon 10 (£32,000): In which decade did Juan Carlos become King of Spain? a: 1950’s b: 1960’s c: 1970’s d: 1980’s 11 (£64,000): What colour are borage flowers? a: Red b: Yellow c: Green

d: Blue

12 (£125,000): Where was tennis player Monica Seles when she was stabbed? a: Madrid b: Milan c: Paris d: Hamburg 13 (£250,000): When did Britain first occupy Hong Kong? a: 1831 b: 1841 c: 1851 d: 1861 14 (£500,000): Anthophobia is the fear of what? a: Flowers b: Insects c: Sport

James Buller
The penultimate victim was the new societies and culture VP. James is a bit of a vetran of Millionaire, having taken part as part of the bf 1000th issue one. He did reasonably well then, managing £4,000. “I enjoyed doing it last time, and hope to do even better this,” he enthused before we began. Well like many before him, James walked through the first four questions barely pausing for breath but struggled on question 5. He began by thinking the answer was badger but then changed his mind and decided he wasn’t sure after all. So he took a 50:50 and realised it wasn’t gerbil, so decided upon Squirrel. Question 6 was also problematic, he thought it was Queen but used his audience lifeline just to make sure The audience said The Beatles so he followed their advice. He sailed through questions 8 & 9 but decided to take the money and run on question 9, having done better than last time. £8,000

Tristan O’Dwyer
Last but by no means the least was Tris, bf’s editor-elect. So will he do any worse than Kev at this lark. Almost certainly not, but we’ll see. Tris began quietly confident, “I usually do well in both the TV and bf Millionaire, so I’m expecting to do well here, although I could be digging a grave for myself.” Tris sailed through the first four questions but question 5 again proved to be a stumbling block as he used his first lifeline (audience) to help him. Question 6 was easy enough for the music buff but question 7 saw him unstuck. He took a 50:50 after knowing that Soo is either a dog or a panda, luckily for him dog was one of the options dropped and he correctly said Panda. After hearing question 8 he immediately answered Palin before realising his error and changed his answer to Verne. His run ended on question 9 as he incorrectly guessed Paris. “I should have known that, being French, he concluded. £1,000

d: Paint

15 (£1,000,000): If it is noon at GMT, what time is it in Managua? a: 4am b: 5am c: 6am d: 7am Audience 1: a:0% b:0% c:0% d:100% 2: a:98% b:0% c:0% d:2% 3: a:1% b:95% c:4% d:0% 4: a:85% b:3% c:4% d:8% 5: a:4% b:76% c:18% d:2% 6: a:9% b:9% c:17% d:65% 7: a:37% b:16% c:2% d:45% 8: a:26% b:32% c:24% d:18% 9: a:23% b:26% c:25% d:26% 10: a:23% b:19% c:42% d:16% 11: a:19% b:16% c:29% d:36% 12: a:27% b:16% c:31% d:26% 13: a:23% b:28% c:24% d:25% 14: a:32% b:17% c:21% d:30% 15: a:22% b:14% c:36% d:28% 50:50 1: keep a & d 2: keep a & b 3: keep b & c 4: keep a & c 5: keep b & d 6: keep c & d 7: keep c & d 8: keep b & c 9: keep a & b 10: keep b & c 11: keep c & d 12: keep a & d 13: keep a & b 14: keep a & b 15: keep b & c

The Answers: 1:d 2:a 3:b 4:a 5:b 6:d 7:d 8:b 9:a 10:c 11:d 12:d 13:b 14:a 15:c

Snow Patrol

This Week in barearts: Snow Patrol & Straw Interviews, Music Reviews, OFU & GU2




Music News
If you haven't heard already then where have you been, but the Brit awards were announced on Monday night with Robbie Williams coming away with the most awards. The self confessed sex symbol clinched Best British Male Solo Artist, Best British Single for 'Rock DJ' which also won him the Best British Video. U2 walked away with awards for Best International Group and a lifetime achievement award and Coldplay won more awards to add to their collection by winning Best British Group and Best British album. The nights biggest surprise was the fact that Craig David nominated in 6 categories failed to pick up any awards. The main list of winners are as follows: Best British Group: Coldplay Best British Album: Coldplay-'Parachutes' Best Pop Act: Westlife Best British Dance Act: Fatboy Slim Best British Female Solo Artist: Sonique Best British Male Artist: Robbie Williams Best Newcomer: A1 Best British Single: Robbie Williams 'Rock DJ' Best International Male: Eminem Best International Female: Madonna Similarly this week the Americans announced the award winners of their biggest annual music awards, the Grammy's, where U2 managed to pick up a hat trick of awards by winning record of the year, song of the year and best rock performance by a group for 'Beautiful Day'. Eminem also collected three awards but feels he was hard done by when jazz rockers Steely Dan won best pop vocal album. However, this didn't stop Eminem to go on and perform a duet with Elton John much to the delight of the audience, who endured the giving out of 100 awards. In other non-music award news, Atomic Kitten have managed to shrug off all competition once again to remain no.1 'Whole Again' for the fourth week running. Over the previous weeks they have managed to prevent singles from U2 and Wheatus from reaching the top spot and it was the turn of Outkast's 'Ms Jackson' to come runners up in second spot. Madonna has confirmed that she will be performing a world tour during the summer

Atomic Kitten - top cats!

and she claims that the shows will "mind boggle the senses." Speaking to a US magazine, Madonna revealed that she is "finally going to fucking drag my ass into a rehearsal studio" for her first world tour since 1993.

It is rumoured that she will be playing live shows in the UK, possibly at Earls Court and Milton Keynes Bowl. Simon Robinson


Competition Time!
Hello again, not much space this week, I appear to be competing for space with some arts and film column. Last week saw just the one internal competition, for the posters, mug and t-shirts. They were won by Lesley Cornfield; well done Lesley. Smirnoff is, of course, renowned for vodka. This week I’ve got some Lenny Henry tickets and a cocktail shaker to give away. So send your entries into barefacts@surrey.ac.uk by 5pm th Monday 5 March.

Lovebite’s Arty Bit
Bonjour luvies, you know it’s always a busy time of year in Filmland during February, with all those award ceremonies, parties, and drinking, it must really hard for all the celebs. Well the British Academy Film and Television Awards (BAFTA’s to you and me) were announced Sunday with Gladiator picking up five awards in all including best film and the ‘Orange Audience Award’. Billy Elliot also had a good night taking away best actor for fourteen-year-old Jamie Bell, best supporting actress for Julie Walters and best British film. Bell picked up his award with more self-assurance and dignity than some recent winners as he said, “To be nominated with all these guys - Tom Hanks, Russell Crowe, Geoffrey Rush and Michael Douglas - I was kind of thinking of not bothering coming because I thought what’s the point?” Next up is the 73rd Annual Academy Awards (Oscars), surprisingly Bell isn’t even nominated for best actor but Walters is in the running for best supporting actress and Billy Elliot itself for a couple of other awards. Not surprisingly Gladiator is up for pretty much everything and is widely tipped to win most of the main ones, with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragonalso doing rather nicely, with 10 nominations. The awards themselves are on 25th March. Right now to the theatre part, well March promises to be a classic month at the Guildford Civic. First up in the man, the legend, Lenny Henryon 8th March. (See the comps for a chance to win tickets and more details about the show). The 11 th sees Warren Mitchell bring his unique brand of humour to the Civic, with his show ‘The Thoughts of Chairman Alf’ and more comedy on 15 th March with a night of stand-up entitled Screaming Blue Murder. Legendry 70’s rocker Rick Wakeman then comes down the following week on the 19th March. The day after is the turn of The Levellers (look out for your chance to win tickets to this in next week’s bf). March 22nd is the turn of The Solid Silver 60’s, part of a nationwide tour featuring some of the best from the magical decade. Music continues with Magic – A kind of Queen visiting our humble shores on 23rd March rounding off the month. A few dates for your diaries: May sees Jimmy Nail (5th), The Counterfeit Stones (17 th) and Bjorn Again (28 th) visit us, but more of them nearer the time. For tickets call the box office on (01483) 444555. Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud plays host to Naked Justice, a play by John Mortimer (the same bloke who wrote Rumpole of the Bailey) about the murder case of a seventeen-year-old boy, staring Lesley Philips as barrister with a conscience. The play runs from 5th –10th March. Finally congratulations to David Jason and his partner Gill Hinchcliffe on the birth of their 9lb 6oz baby daughter. Luke Hickey

Win a Cocktail Shaker!
There appears to be a cocktail shaker in my pigeonhole, nobody is too sure why it’s there so we thought we’d give it away. If you fancy it answer this really easy question: What spirits and mixers are contained in the cocktail ‘Sex on a beach’? 1) Peach snaps, gilliano, vodka and orange juice 2) Whiskey, red bull and tomato juice 3) Gin, vodka, baileys and lime

Win 6 FNO Tickets!
th 6 tickets, FNO Friday 9 March, week 8, in the union, no queuing, …with my reputation. Well, if you answer in the most apt, original and witty way they could be yours, just tell us:

shaken, not stirred

Win Lenny Henry Tickets!
Over the last two decades Lenny Henry CBE has risen from being a cult star on children’s television (TISWAS with Chris Tarant) to being one of Britain’s best known and loved personalities - who has had a crucial influence on the creation of black-centred comedy and characters. After his 1999 sellout tour and staring in two acclaimed television productions, Chef and more recently as the headmaster of a failing school in Hope and Glory, Lenny returns to the stage with his brand spanking new show for the people of Britain, entitled Have You Seen This Man? The show promises to be ‘funny, topical, naughty but nice, Lenny aims to bring his small yet aesthetically pleasing powers of observation to bear on sailing the Atlantic with Tony Bullimore, alcohol, guns in the ghetto, South Africa, religion, enlightenment and much, much more’. Lenny himself promises, “Japes, wheezes, stuff with the audience, lots of music…the unveiling of some new characters and lots of plugs for my wife’s tour”. The tour visits the Guildford Civicon Thursday 8th March . For more information call the box office on (01483) 444555. But if you fancy two tickets to see the show answer this question: Lenny Henry is married to which famous Comedienne? Dawn French Dawn German Dawn Latino

meet sensible young ladies...

If you had one wish what would it be?
...and sophisticated young men




A slight case of the Chills
Snow Patrol Interview words: Simon Robinson “We make every album as though it is our last ever”, says Mark McClanland, bassist from Irish band Snowpatrol. This is quite a serious statement from such a young band, but it is this feeling that their band is terminally ill that enables them to capture such passion and emotion in their music. The story of Snowpatrol, consisting of Gary Lightbody (singer/guitarist), Mark McClanland and Jonny Quinn (drummer) began when Gary and Mark met at university in Dundee and since finding a drummer in Jonny the band “became a job, but not a nuisance like most jobs.” Their first album, ‘Songs for Polar Bears’ which came out in September 1998 was seen as “just a weekend thing that went really well” says Mark. This statement is said with so much excitement it was difficult to believe that this all happened almost 3 years ago and it still sounds like he can’t believe it. Their new album ‘When its all over we still have to clear up’, is spoken about with the same amount of enthusiasm, “we’re completely happy about it. Recording has been a very long process but also very creative. We have been able to make a complete piece of work that we hope will stand up there against every other band.” And happy they should be as their latest offering is full of sublime and beauty to wish away they those long winter nights. The fact that bands are coming back into fashion according to Mark “can only help.” The trouble is he claims “everyone is looking for fads and trends, things like nu-metal last year”, he just hopes that Snowpatrol don’t get forgotten. This is unlikely, as Snowpatrol have been put alongside current Scottish favourites like Travis, Belle and Sebastian and Teenage Fanclub. However, they don’t care who they are compared to or “what pigeon hole we have been put in. It really doesn’t effect us. It doesn’t effect how we make music.”

Snow Patrol

“what pigeon hole we have been put in. It really doesn’t effect us. It doesn’t effect how we make music.”

“we just shut everyone else out, we don’t brought Snowpatrol to where they are now, readily poised to rely on anyone else to get involved, It is a have their name heard by all. It is their reason for their obsesnatural process a very natural thing.” sion with snow that best This is how Snowpatrol make that they are great songs.” describes Snowpatrol that, their music by just focussing This is where living in Glasgow “everyone’s got a smile on their solely on it, “we just shut every- helps there is a “big musical face when it snows.” And with one else out, we don’t rely on community where everybody Snowpatrol around life’s a conanyone else to get involved, It helps each other. London stant blizzard and boy does it is a natural process a very nat- seems too big and England make us happy. ural thing.” It is a wonder then seems like a very long place to how Snowpatrol come to cre- go.” Despite their almost The new album out now... ate such musical soundscapes claustrophobic approach to by just writing on there own in a recording, playing live is a difstudio. But according to Mark ferent matter, “touring is one of this is due to the “heart and my favourite things,” says soul” that they put into it. “The Mark, “its on a par with being in first record was by an almost the studio. It’s always what I’ve different band. We used to wanted to do, it’s a great push lovely songs to the side crack.” but now we have the confiIt is this Irish charm and new dence to play them and realise found confidence that have

Straw Interview Words: Anna Wheeler Quite right. The band reinvented them selves after first album bf talks to three members of up 'n' 'Shoplifting'. So how did the style coming 4 piece "pop rock outfit" change? "It got better", states Straw: Duck (very energetic, talka- Duck simply. "It was quite beatsy, tive keyboard genius), Andy now it's a lot simpler. We took all (apparently a jedi knight, but also the crap out of it, kind of weeded it a drummer in his spare time) and out, gave ourselves a bit of a Dan (quiet bassist). They're in a musical diet! and now we're honed very jovial mood and obviously down to playing our instruments, can't wait to get on stage tonight that's it. There's no programmed where they will be support to Reef stuff or sequencers or anything at the Guildford Civic Hall. like that at all. It's all the 'Real Mattie (lead singer) and Duck McCoy'." Although they are still poached Andy from another "horri- very proud of the first album, "It ble" band, and Dan joined about a was a snapshot in musical time", year ago. "Dan ate cake and made Duck jokes, they can't wait for the us tea", says Duck. "It wasn't until new album 'Keepsakes' to be the third meeting that I played released in March. The first single bass" Dan laughs. "It's more from the album is 'Sailing Off The important that he's a nice guy", Edge Of The World', released on agree the others. Aaahh, bless, a February 19th. Duck says with pop band that actually like each pride (It's the) "greatest piece of other. Straw describe themselves music ever committed to any foran "an indie band, but we don't mat. It's going to change the want to look like one, although we world, it is." What expectations do are signed to Sony, the biggest the band have for the single? "Top label in the world so it's stupid 40 definitely, I'd like top 10" says really to call ourselves indie". Duck. Do the band care about chart success? "Yes", says Dan, "because it's got a great chance of making it sell more albums". Duck agrees "The album chart means a lot to me. Because it means you've succeeded and that you get to make another record". The band think playing live is "fantastic". Duck would "recom mend it to anyone". Andy, "We don't get nervous. We just get up on stage and play music. It's very, very simple and very easy, because we all like each other and we all get on and we all try and go in the same direction". Do Straw mind being the support band? "No" says Duck, "we quite like it actually. It's good to mix and match, do a bit of both". "There's no pressure" agrees Andy, "and you get two thousand people coming to see you every night without even trying", finishes Duck. "It's great." Do they get on with Reef? "Yeah, yeah, they're really nice guys", says Duck. "We played them (at football) the other day and whipped their arses. Beat them 12-9", he says with a smile. "Reef are excellent. I've only ever really seen them live, but they rock as a live band. I'd buy a 'Best Of Reef', and live, I'd pay to go and see them again." The band are influenced by "core elements" explains Andy. "The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, the Beach Boys, Steely Dan, just good music", and this is definitely reflected in the set they play later on that evening. When the band start throwing ice cubes around the room I decide it's time to leave. But watch out for Straw in 2001. "We'd like it to be our year", says Andy, and it only seems fair that it should be.


GU2 Profiles


Radio Shows
A selection of the shows on GU2, watch out for future issues for more profiles Womble Radio
Mondays 9-11am Jamie and Lovebite drag you kicking and screaming into a new week with their own brand of inimitable humour and the odd prank phone call, together with today's top music and a few classics from over the years - but best of all, the weekly chance to win A PINT OF LAGER! for a crime they didn't commit. They were alleged to have passed their exams. These men promptly set about hi-jacking the University Radio Station, as presenters on GU2. Today, still wanted by the public, they provide Caffeine Powered Radio, C.P.R. The original J-Team members, Mr. Tea and Judge Mental, present J-Team Classic. Tune in every Thursday evening at 9 for ALL the classic tunage as well the crazy features such as Hammertime and The Queen's Speech. Listen. These guys soon managed to pull together a Dance act, a Rock and Alternative show as well as the latest addition to the team, our very own Chart and Pop show. For the latest dance and garage, join DJ Deano and The D.T. on Monday night at 9. On top of the music, there will also be plenty of prizes to go with the usual J-Team madness. So tune in to J-Team Dance EVERY Monday at 9pm.

Mon, Weds, Fri - 5pm

Catch up on the latest news from campus and beyond together with weekly entertainment, political and sporting features. Join Luke and Ben every Monday, Wednesday and Friday - If you prefer something with a bit more of a 'rang' to it, J-Team Rock and Alternative, prelive at five. sented by DJ Steed and The Drummer Boy, will have you bopping. If that's your thing, tune in to Phoneti K’s Alternative J-Team Rock and Alternative EVERY Friday at 4pm. Saturdays 7pm-9pm A show not for the weak hearted as Phonetic K brings you to the forefront of the Alternative nation with music from nu-metal - Grunge Stoner-drum ‘n’bass - hip hop and much more so watch out, your mind might just expand into a new horizon. And last, but not least, we present J-Team CP. For the latest sounds from the charts and all the best pop music, be near a radio at 5 on Tuesday evenings. So all you closet cheese fans, give Neighbours a miss and tune in to 1350am GU2 at 5pm EVERY Tuesday. Listen to The J-Team on 1350am GU2 most weekdays. ‘GU2 1350am’ is the brand new radio station brought to you by USSU and UniS. It looks set to be the most exciting communications and entertainment tool to of the moment, with two brand new fully equipped studios. GU2 is run by students for students so there’s plenty of scope to get involved in the many aspects of radio management or presenting. If you enjoy music and are thinking towards a career in broadcasting or media then why not join our experienced team as a DJ, reporter, reviewer, sound engineer, producer or publicist. Full training will be provided and anyone is welcome.

The J-Team
In 1999 two lay-abouts were sent to University


Music Reviews
backdrop. Some cool strings build the tension and enrich the sound. Musically it’s a bit limited; the cord sequence is the same all the way through. ‘Paint the Silence’ is best described as a mixture of Stone Roses and the Charlatans, not bad. 6/10 A.R. CUSTOM – Faster Grace (Blurb) This debut single from Custom sounds like a British Green Day on harder drugs. Full of attitude the current UK scene is awash with and complete with searing guitars and vocals ‘Faster Grace’ is a bright start. But throughout you get this nagging feeling that its all been heard before. 6/10 S.R. DREAM – He Loves U Not (Arista) This is your average pile of shit that comes all the way from the good ol US of A, stays in


THE YOYO’S - Sunshine Girl An excellent single, both lyrically and instrumentally. I had never really heard of them before but somehow new this was going to be good stuff from the “Slick backed rockers”. You know it’s a song with good vibes and good spirit and essentially is good music. 8/10 C.H. SOUTH - Paint the Silence (Mo Wax) This is the first full-release single from South. Singer Joel Cadbury provides great Ian Brown like vocals to the guitar and drum

Single of the Week
GORILLAZ – Clint Eastwood (Parlophone) Mixing the likes of Ibrahim Ferrer (Buena Vista Social Club), Damon Albarn, Miho Hatori and Jamie Hewlett is a crazy idea, but it works a dream. Gorillaz are one of the first ‘virtual’ bands who don’t have a fixed line-up, but instead use different vocalists and musicians to achieve the effect they’re after. 9/10 O.C.
the charts for a week or two and ends up in the reduced pile in HMV within three months. Avoid. 3/10 J.H.

SNOW PATROL – When it’s all over we still have to clear up (Jeepster) Cor blimey, by the sounds of it life’s pretty depressing. But then why should we be happy, we’re stuck in a miserable British winter and summer looks like it’s a long way away. That’s where this second album from Snow Patrol comes in handy by giving us that perfect album to dream of those long summer nights. Right from the Grandaddyesque opening track, ‘Never gonna fall in love again’, to ‘Batten down the hatch’ which is an autumnal melancholic masterpiece which the Velvet Underground would be proud of, Snow Patrol take you on an emotional journey right to the edge of despair and back. ‘When it’s all over we still have to clear up’ is depressing and bleak in content but beautiful, exquisite and sublime in retrospect. 8/10 S.R. TALVIN SINGH - Ha (Island) His debut ‘Ok’ received the Mercury Music Prize in 1999 and ‘Ha’ has made reasonable progress for a follow up. Singh’s work is always hugely contrasted which is refreshing to the eclectics among us. If your taste is varied and experimental it will appeal, if it’s solely rock don’t bother. 8/10 M.S. MY VITRIOL - Finelines (Infectous) ‘Finelines’ is the debut album from ‘My Vitriol’. It features the singles ‘Losing touch’, ‘Cemented Shoes’ and ‘Pieces’ amongst the 16 tracks. It is awash with dark sounds, heavy guitars and powerful lyrics. Some of the sounds are deeply inspiring but others are just repetitive. Som Wardner provides the vocals and has a great voice for the sound they have created. It is harsh where it

needs to be but equally soft at other moments. This is a very mixed album and certainly has its moments. The stand out tracks are the singles, ‘Windows and Walls’ and ‘Grounded’. It’s generally a good album but I don’t know why they included a track called ‘C.O.R’ as it’s just 39 seconds of shouting. If you like Feeder and the Foo Fighters this album is certainly worth a listen and hey you may even like it’s dark side. 7/10 N.M. Cohesion – VARIOUS (Collective) What with all the atrocities occurring in Kosovo this double CD compilation has brought together some of Manchester’s finest and future finest artists to raise money and awareness for two charities MAK (Manchester aid to Kosovo) and MAG (Mines Advisory Group). This album contains the best that the Manchester musical community can offer with the likes of New Order, Ian Brown, Happy Mondays, Badly Drawn Boy and Doves all contributing. For a charity album this contains great music which would be worth listening to even if a record company was going to make money from it. But as there not there’s no excuse now! 7/10 S.R. LUNA - Live (Beggars Banquet) Luna Live is culled from three separate shows, two from New York in 2000, one from Washington in 1999. The band are said to be masters at the live act so here they are offering us what they’re best at but in fact the band has a kind down to earth style they don’t rock enough and don’t shout. Its all surround by this peaceful aura and it is down to earth. 6/10 J.F. THIRTEEN :13 - 50 STORIES ( Polydor ) 50 Stories is the second single of Thirteen:13 ‘s forthcoming debut album ‘Deny Everything’. Last year they toured with JJ72, which might be a useful hint to

Album of the Week
LOWGOLD - Just Backward of Square (Nude) Having supported Coldplay on last year’s UK tour, comparisons are immediately drawn. However Lowgold know how to rock out and play with definitive power behind vocals and guitars. This debut is subdued and melancholic yet at the same time original and uplifting. If you enjoyed the singles then go out and buy it. 9/10 M.S.

some of you. All in all, 50 Stories is not bad, but nothing that hasn’t been there before. 6/10 N.G. ROTHKO - In the pulse of an artery This is a very eloquent and finely tuned compilation of some of Rothko’s best music, and the band itself is regarded as one of the best base emphasised live bands around. The music is all very sober, possibly too much so and you feel not one rhythm, not one note is out of place. It comes across at times as lazy and at others as narcotic. Whether one likes it or not there is no doubt that this is music of a very high standard. 6/10 C.H. EXPERIMENTAL POP BAND – The Track Suit Trilogy (City Slang) If you like weird music, then this is for you. Well, if you like people who want to think they’re weird, this is for you. You get the impression right from the start of this albumthat the band are just trying far too hard. It’s obvious from the name too. It’s not that the songs are bad – they’re generally not. They just have “experimental” stuff

added, that only irritates the listener. Think of an inferior ‘Younger Younger 28s’ with a crap singer and you’re pretty much there. Somethingsaremoreimportantthanmusic’ makes you think “Well actually no, tunes are usually a good thing”. ‘Bang Bang You’re Dead’ and ‘I Like It’ are cartoon pop, supposed to be amusing, but not. The band can play their instruments, they just need to go back to basics and stop trying to be so clever, because they’re blatantly not. 4/10 A.W.

This weeks reviews are brought to you by: Nigel Martin, Alex Read, Matt Southcombe, Simon Robinson, Oliver Chamero (I spelt it right this week Oliver, about time too. Sorry – music ed.), Christian Hunter, James Hemingway, Anna Wheeler, Juan Fanals

Out On The Road
At the Drive-In / My Vitriol / Terris— February 2nd , Astoria Tonight the Astoria contains a lot of very and leave all but the few of their fans present relieved people. They thought they were to disappointed. be subjected to Gay Dad, but following a last Headliners, At the Drive-In, however are minute cancellation are instead treated to quite different. Walking on stage, they stun indie rockers and NME favourites, Terris. I the crowd into silence by demanding no have to admit that I don’t like Terris on crowd surfing and no pushing, lest someone record, but they really aren’t bad live. get hurt. Nobody really minds since it is an Although lacking a bassist, once they have opportunity to get all the assholes out of the warmed up a bit, the last few songs demon- building since they are bound to ignore the strate how good they could be if they lost the instructions. Sure enough, three are thrown slightly pulpish air they have adopted. out during the set. Although not a band I’d My Vitriol on the other hand are a band I considered overtly political, it seems the have been trying to see for a year now, so I band have a message behind every song, was pleased to see them go through an and the band even complain that people above average but staid set, containing sev- dance too much to Arcarsenal since “it is eral new songs plus old track Grounded and such a sad song”. singles, Losing Touch, Pieces and Always It is, though, rare to see a band with as Your Way. They do little to woo the crowd much energy or presence as ATDI. They however, keeping almost stock still on stage, stride around the stage with singer, Cedric, walloping the drum kit with his hands at every opportunity and king of the big hair, Omar playing both guitar and keyboards at the same time. The crowd is impressed. They shout for more. The set included the majority of the tracks on the latest album, Relationship of Command, including One Armed Scissor, Arcarsenal, Catacombs, Rolodex Propaganda and Invalid Litter Department, as well as too tracks from much earlier release, In/Casino/Out, in the form of Hulahoop Wounds and Napoleon Solo. It was obvious that the older stuff went down really well with even those people who hadn’t heard it before. Reuben Thompson




"I can't talk, I'm in the library."
But, hey, who needs talking when you can shout, eat ice cream, kick a football about and witness a shark attack, all without having irate librarians berate you? And all this on a Sunday morning, when most of the participants are more typically asleep? Oh yes… Conceived as OFU's first short film for nigh on 25 years, Jaws In The Library (working title) played havoc with student sleep patterns and normal library taboos alike. The early start at the hideously unsociable time of 9:30am on a Sunday morning was well made up for by the chance to get up to otherwise frown-worthy "antics" in the library and to produce what may well be considered the finest piece of experimental cinema the university has ever seen. But then, to be honest, the university has not seen very much experimental cinema. The story is essentially a tale of love between one girl and a large inflatable fish, which is all perfectly normal; at least, it is all perfectly normal in the warped mind of OFU's chief writer and storyboard artist James Dibley. But the concept started out rather differently. Having filmed a number of documentaries and animations, all shot on 16mm film, OFU decided to make a spoof of Jaws. This decision was inspired by one of OFU's films from the early 1970s. Called Enter The Newt, it was a bizarre parody of a certain famous martial arts film, featuring the lost Japanese fighting technique of "Origami", amongst others. Under the quirky authorship of Andy Gale, the Jaws plot took shape: a shark assault on a poor, defenceless girl who, rather than swimming in the sea as might be traditional in a shark attack scene, happened to be reading a book in a library. Meanwhile came the potentially tricky problem of persuading the manager of the library to allow OFU to shoot the film in the building outside of normal opening hours. Fortunately, he was quite keen on the idea and agreed to open it early on a Sunday. "A morning in bed with The Archers and a paper just can't compete with a shark in the library," he said. While work progressed on the storyboard, another problem cropped up: how to persuade people to act in the film. In particular, producer David Abbott found a distinctly hostile reaction to his recruitment technique, which was to wander drunk around the Union at FNO, asking random women if they would star in a film wearing only a swimming costume. Eventually, a compromise was reached with several very brave volunteers agreeing to participate. Shooting of the film was carefully planned in advance to make the best possible use of the unique opportunity available and, despite an initial snag (when the storyboard artist presented several new pages of material just moments before filming began), everything ran extremely smoothly, with the team relishing their roles on a "real" film project. Director David Turner, better known as "Mad Scottish Dave", clearly relished his job as the film's director, managing to create incredible levels of subtlety in an otherwise one-dimensional plot. The three volunteer actors also threw themselves whole-heartedly into their roles and it became clear at an early stage in the proceedings that the finished movie would be a strong Oscar contender next year. With time and filmstock both in limited supply, the ending to the film was hurriedly re-written to incorporate a surreal twist in the plot. While this process was going on, the Second Unit Director (Sami Sarkardei) and Props Manager (Jayne Elliott) took the opportunity to interview Eddie the shark for the "Making Of" documentary, which will be a major feature on the DVD release of the film. All the necessary footage was in the can just in time and several students waiting on the steps outside the library were bemused to see a gaggle of filmmakers emerge from

The Star of the Show, the show, the shark not the girl. the building just before opening time, complete with camera, floodlights, surfboard and shark. The film is currently in post-production and will be shown before one of OFU's films later in the semester and at a major film festival near you... OFU would like to take this opportunity to thank Robert Hall, for giving up The Archers; the three volunteer actors, for willing to be excessively silly in ridiculous cloth ing, all in the name of art; Chops for the loan of a surfboard, complete with genuine sand; and the residents of 48 University Court, who have been unable to wash for a week due to the various items of film equipment being stored in the bath. Matthew Sheppard

Please excuse me, I appear to be wearing a stupid hat

Right Mr. Shark, here’s what I want you to do.

All The Depth And Complexity of a Gravestone Inscription
Many people of the Western world nowadays feel their lives are utterly devoid of variation, excitement, or even the tamest intimations of covert guerrilla warfare. Evenings across the globe are whiled away with trivial forms of entertainment, which do little to enrich the spirit or nourish the mind. Eric Dantes of Calcutta writes, "My patience for this life is at an end. Last night, I spent seven hours doing nothing but sipping vodka and attempting to psychically communicate with my dog. This morning I saw the last 'Police Academy' sequel, and I think that I shall have no choice but to kill myself now. I must die with honour." This Sunday at 8pm, Oscar Film Unit shall be showing "Runaway Bride",starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. It's a pleasant and non-threatening romantic comedy suitable for the mildest of girlfriends. And with more sly twists and turns than a inter-uterine device, "Runaway Bride" is sure to inspire much thrilling conversation in the queue at HRB Express after the feature. The following Wednesday, University Arts Cinema shall be showing "Alphaville", a genuinely inspired and surreal blend of science-fiction, philosophy, and film noir from the legendary Jean-Luc Godard. Secret agent-cum-private investigator Lemmy Caution checks into a hotel in Alphaville, a carefully constructed world ruled by a computer named Alpha 60. The residents of this world inhabit a primlycouttured hell of desensitising drugs, outlawed emotions, and pure logic. Lemmy, meanwhile, is quietly investigating a series of curious disappearances. Together with his friend Natascha, he pursues his mission in this peculiar world, leav ing a breadcrumb trail of chaos in their wake. "Alphaville" is a light-hearted and bizarre film, revelling in the subtle humour and all-pervading incongruity of its utopia. Fans of "The Prisoner" will feel instantly at home. Moreso than a simple SF story, "Alphaville" becomes a quiet and dignified hymn to the power of independent thought and human emotion. Oscar Film Unit will be screening "Runaway Bride" in Lecture Theatre G at 8pm on Sunday 3rd March. University Arts Cinema will be screening "Alphaville" in Lecture Theatre G at 8pm on Wednesday 7th March. [column by Geoff Kay]

01/03/01 With International Week fast approaching barefacts asked some of the International socieities to write an article on their country. So here are some of their articles with more next week. And remember if you want to know more come along to the International Exhibition next Tuesday evening.

International Page

support given by our sponsor, ContactSingapore. Do check out the website if you are interested in visiting or are looking for a job in Singapore. ContactSingapore is at www.contactsingapore.org.uk

The Singapore Students' Society
The Singapore Students' Society has currently 77 registered members. 10 of our members are of other nationalities (British, Portuguese, Malaysians, Mauritian, Chinese, Greek). We are proud to be one of the most active and cohesive societies in the University. We represent our members' interests and are dedicated to meeting their social and developmental needs. We encourage active participation and the spirit of volunteerism in all our members. We had wonderful opportunities to work with other Societies like the Taiwanese and the Chinese-Asian societies, organising events such as the Chinese New Year Celebrations in the past and we hope to continue to work together again in future. One of the goals of our society is promote cross-cultural activities and to attract students from other nationalities. Look out for our little trips to Chinese supermarkets and places of interests as well as our Asian Cooking Classes sometime soon. The Society appreciates the

The Cypriot Society
The Island of Cyprus
The island of “Venus” as known by mythology is situated in the northeastern part of the Mediterranean Sea. Due to its geographical position, Cyprus is the crossing of three different continents, as Asia, Africa and Europe; Cyprus has often been conquered by a lot of nations. As the British, Turkish, Venetians, Francs and others. However, it has always kept its culture incorruptible and has not been influenced by any other nation. The formal language of the Greek –Cypriot community is Greek and the majority of the community adheres to Autocephalous Greek Orthodox church of Cyprus. The capital of Cyprus is Nicosia in the sector controlled by the government of the Republic of Cyprus. Nicosia is situated roughly in the centre of the island. One of the main Cypriot financial resources is mainly tourism, which brings a lot of income in the country. Every foreigner once visits Cyprus, gets amazed by the beauty of the island. The beaches, the nightlife, are like a dream come true for any foreigner. The food is absolutely delicious and often people are seen to enjoy it a lot. Places such as Ayia Napa became known worldwide for their amazing nightlife and their incredible beaches. Another domain, which brings a lot of foreign currency in the country, is commerce, import export. The main export products are wine, cheese such as “xaloumi cheese”. There are also a lot of shipping companies in Cyprus where trade commerce in a lot of countries in the world. In the future, thoughts for visiting Cyprus may occurred to everyone of you reading this, remember that Cyprus is a country which has a lot to offer to a visitor (very exciting nightlife), and anyone can have fun. It is worth it if you can! Therefore give it a try!! Why not?? More about Cyprus may be seen at the International Week at the Main Union!!! See you all there!! INTERNATIONAL OFFICERCYPRIOT SOCIETY PHOEBE HERACLEOUS

Sweet ‘n Sour Pork
Serves 2 Est. preparation time: 8 mins Est. cooking time: 34 mins Ingredients: Ingredient amounts have been scaled and may need to be rounded where appropriate 8 ounces pork strips, diced 1/3 onion, peeled and sliced 1/3 (8-oz.) can pineapple chunks, crushed 1 tablespoon 1 teaspoon C&H Pure Cane Golden Brown Sugar, firmly packed 1 tablespoon cornstarch 2 teaspoons lemon juice 1 teaspoon soy sauce 1/3 teaspoon salt 1/24 teaspoon ground black pepper 1/24 teaspoon ground ginger 1/3 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped 1/3 (6-oz.) pkg. sugar peas

The Hellenic Society
Greece is a country steeped in ancient mystery. For culture, history or just fun in the sun, nobody can help but be impressed by the constant reminders of classical civilizations that inhabited Greece. It is a country where remnants of the past are almost everywhere. One thing is constant in Greece: ‘It is a nation of great variety and with some of the most valuable and indelible traditions’. Greeks are proud of their inex haustible traditions, history, civilization, charm and simplicity of their lifestyle. It is without any doubt a truly inspirational population and country. Greece is the cradle of western civilization. The origin of drama, history and philosophy, the birth place of democracy.

Directions: In a baking dish mix pork strips, onion, pineapple(undrained), brown sugar, cornstarch, lemon juice,soy sauce, salt, pepper and ginger. Cover and microwave on MEDIUM until the pork is no longer pink, 25 to 30 minutes, stirring

every 3 minutes. Stir in green bell pepper and sugar peas. Cover, and microwave on HIGH until the green bell pepper and sugar peas are tender, about 3 to 4 minutes. Serve hot.

The Malaysian Society
Malaysia is a young nation with a small population yet is blessed with numerous natural resources. Since independence, Malaysia, has enjoyed steady growth and pros perity. It has also earned the respect of many developed and developing countries. In its early growth years, Malaysia concentrat ed on developing its agricultural resources and its primary indus tries such as tin, rubber, palm oil and other crops. This brought weatlh to the people. The government of Malaysia recognised that in order to further hasten the development process, it had to encourage manufactoring activities. ‘Made in Malaysia’ products were manufactored for export to earn foreign exchange for the country. Thus began the transformatiom of Malaysia’s economy. In line with world trends, and the demand for financial and other services, Malaysia too began to focus on these areas, to promote a new service-oriented economy that included the provision of imformation servies.

Dr Russ
Dear Russ Is it worth using a recruitment agency to try to find employment? Dear Nick Over the years I've come across many different views about recruitment agencies. They range from "I wouldn't touch them with a barge-pole" to "There's no way I would have got my job without their help". So why are they so controversial? First of all, graduates often worry that it will be expensive to use an agency. Actually, it is illegal for them to charge you for their services. They make their money by charging the employer who asked them to deal with the vacancy in the first place. Secondly, I must say that new graduates often find agencies are rather unhelpful when they first contact them. This is because they are mainly interested in people who have experience relevant to their client's needs. New graduates often don't have quite what they are looking for, hence the cold shoulder. Fortunately, University of Surrey graduates who have a Professional Year under their belt aren't in this position. They have something to offer and agencies are likely to show much more interest. Remember, though, that they only want to make money from placing you. They are therefore quite likely to encourage you to accept a job offer even if you're not entirely happy with it.



I'm often asked how to track down agencies who deal with particular jobs. Fortunately, there is a very comprehensive directory produced by the Recruitment and Employment Confederation in the Careers Service which lists them all according to their areas of specialism. This is also available on the internet at http://www.rec.uk.com. Another way to find out the particularly active agencies is to scan the advertisement pages in appropriate journals e.g. Personnel Today or Computer Weekly. The chances are that the agencies advertising there will tend to specialise in that area and you can give them a ring to see what else they've got on their books. Once you have found an

agency, all you need to do is get in touch. They may ask for your CV or may ask you to fill out one of their own forms. They will also ask you what job you have in mind so you must think this through beforehand. If you do get the cold shoulder, it's probably because they simply don't have vacancies at that particular time for some one with your background. Finally, you may like to know that in some years as many as 10% of Surrey's graduates obtain their first job through an agency. For me this is convincing evidence that they are worth using.

Russ Clark Careers Service

LTA on Sunday 18th March at 3pm.

Womens Football
Week 9 (15th March) 8pm Varsity

Rifle Club
9th March For more info contact bs01vv@surrey.ac.uk

The University Chaplains
present: "FREEDOM - a Journey through Lent" a study group with liberating appeal.

Thursdays at 1.05 p.m., starting 1st March in the GRANT MITCHELL ROOM *All are Welcome* WANTED: BASS PLAYER & GUITARIST TO JOIN UNIVERSI TY BAND SKETCH. ALL REPLIES WELCOME.IF INTERESTED E-MAIL JOHN AT: jleswright@hotmail.com.

Monday Week 10 19th March 8pm Venue TBC

Thursday Week 8 7.30pm, UniSport Main Hall


Gossip, Sex & The Universe


Big Sister
We have some disturbing reports of some late nightshenanigans that have been happening in the richest of battersea court. It has come to our knowledge that certain final years have been enjoying each others company to such a degree that they are keeping several housemates awake deep into the early hours with their sexual olympics. Or is their subject just that exciting? We therefore think that this matter be brought into the open in the hope that the innocent members of the floor may get a decent nights sleep. Lets hope they get the message, Yes or No!!! With the elections over, all of those sexy arrowed women are going to have to find a new cause to turn their charms to. Talk about tactics! Then again, it evidently worked! Drums and gogo girls just couldn't compete with their supreme skills and strategically placed badges. Best campaign for 8 years, so we hear. Valentine's day seems so long ago now, but with the mysteries of all those secret admirers still looming, we thought we'd give you a hand to figure out who they could be.... Saying it with flowers seems to have been the way forward for many a man. One of you really took it to town; rose petals, poetry, the works. Are all sailors this romantic, or should the word be creepy, obsessive maybe?! An easy way out for others though wouldn't you say K features? Speaking of whom, could he be the reason for the disappearance of our chum Unicorn? Could it be that he's been giving her more than just a rose.... You really should come up for air from time to time. You've been getting away remarkably lightly so far this term. This will all change. You've been warned. Well that all from us from the world of Big Sister......apart from of course the phantom flinger itself. So empty promises and empty threats, but we have been warned that we are going to get it at the end of the year would you like a public slaying or just a private affair? We know who you are and want to know if you want a bit of rough and tumble with us? lots of love, Boa & Asp

by Rich W There are three things you need to keep in mind whenever you are watching “The Antiques Roadshow” on an early Sunday evening. Firstly, the people that take in their little, ‘been in my family for several generations and has a lot of sentimental value’, ‘my God, who on earth would like something like that’ type ornamental things are in no way interested in antiques: all they are interested in is the money. Look closely next time one of them gets told that their lovely Chinese teapot (the one they thought served Louis XVI during his reign in the 1700’s-ish) isn’t worth the £20,000 they were hoping for, but more £500 because it is in fact a copy of one of the originals - you’ll notice the feigned surprise followed by absolute disgust and a sudden hatred for the once so revered teapot. I can guarantee the first thing they’ll do when they get home is throw the damn thing in the rubbish. Secondly - if something is worth a lot of money, then that doesn’t mean that it’s just worth a lot of money, it means that someone, somewhere, is quite willing to fork out some silly amount of cash to own this antique that a money-grabbing capitalist happens to own. I’m not sure about you, but I really can think of better things to be doing with money than spending it on ‘things’ that noone else in their right mind would consider purchasing. So next time a little dithering old lady gets told that her hideous porcelain doll, with original lacy dress and slightly demonic eyes - the one that makes you hide behind the sofa every time you see it, is worth around £15,000, remember that someone is actually going to pay for that and that they are going to be ecstatic to have it as part of their collection. Someone was right there is no accounting for taste. Finally (and this is my main point): just how many experts can you get on antiquities and other stuff that’s really, really old? Honestly, I’m not joking, the last time I watched “The Antiques Roadshow”, there must have been at least fifteen different people talking about the things people had brought on. I mean, where do they get these people from? How do they know what ornaments the public are going to bring and manage to get a corresponding expert there in time? How does the expert know so much about the stuff? Is it really a proper job - because if it is, how did they get into it? I know there are little antique shops all over the place, but do people really go into them and but things from them or do they just go in and say things like “aahh, isn’t that quaint?” I’m confused. The main reason for my confusion, I guess, is how these people got into this job in the first place. I think we all remember our careers advisors at school and what a complete load of tosh they used to feed us when we had to talk to them, so how is it that these expert-folk made it to where they are? Surely their careers advisors didn’t suggest it as a possible career path - that would be too off-the-wall: all I remember them suggesting was something like accountancy or being a lawyer - you know - proper, sensible stuff. I think it would have been cool to go to the careers chappy and say “hello, I would like to be an expert on antiques and be involved in the selling and purchasing of the aforementioned goods”. Would they have a phone number to go and call? I’m sure they probably would. Of course, the other thing you could do to try and throw the advisor off their familiar path would be to try the following: “What would you like to do then, sonny?” “Well, Mr Careers Advisor, I’ve always wanted to be a careers advisor - how would I go about getting onto that?” Then all you would have to do is listen to the person sitting in front of you waffle on about how they got to where they are and you wouldn’t have to say a word - I know it kind of defeats the object of the exercise, but that was what school was all about - finding different ways to entertain yourself. But antiques expert - that has a certain ring to it. Hmm, only problem is I can’t quite see how my degree is going to help with that career path and I can’t quite see the parents digging it, either. Maybe I’ll have to forgo the possibility of wearing tweed jackets and just watch these folk as they value different objects week-in, week-out at antiques stalls all over the country. I’m going to have to hide my disappointment.

Caught on Camera

If you have any photos or personals that you would like to see in bf, then please pop into the office or send us an email to barefacts@ussu.co.uk

This Week’s Personals
* LITTLEJUDE - why don’t you come down to Chancellors next week? There are two blokes are your cute arse. *Spock, Spock he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no-one can. *Q. & Jo N. sitting in a tree, k i s s i n g. Who is the secret bf admirer? *Bfpg5-Grill a christian? Hmm i'll have mine with bbq sauce. *I can't find my karma, I can't find my state of nirvana. *Oh no tilly, you are a lazy poomeister. *Apoligies to all I harrassed last week, Thanks to those that voted, and Good Luck James, Adam, Lisa, Denise, John and Tristan. *Becky ‘Perry-Look-at-meee-everyone’ Tutt…Thanks for the set up, u cheeky gypsy!! *Raj…Remember any more ditties??! *Luke 'God' Godfrey has the nicest arse in the world...from your secret admirer......x *It must be really depressing having a seven teen yr old after your body Gav! At least console yourself with the fact your a fat, welsh ,rotund c$%t *At least you haven't got much of your dis sertation left to write....wait a minute... *Funkyberry has a modular mind. So even when bits of it stop working, hestill kinda has a general idea of what is going on. *Randy?! Condoms now available 24/7 from machines in AP toilets! *AP condom machines installed on the initiative of Nightline! *But NL still gives away 2 Jonny's each for FREE !!! *Jez, he was only SIXTEEN *F, J & L, schoolgirls tomorrow, can’t wait!! *Who are you daydream? *I know more about Gazza than I know *Chef, we did warn you, now we must act. Expect us to give Big Sister the gossip about you, then it’s time for the Phantom Flinger, let her do her worst. *A certain mechie would like to thank his fantasticly nice and particularly leanient lecturer Dr. Rockliff for her recent kindness with Maths tests. *This week’s competition: work out the secret email hidden in one of the 25 scorching bf mail articles, then email the best anagram of your name to that address, the best entry wins £25. *Welcome to the loony bin. *Lick me Budweiser shirt girl, we need to go for a drink. E mail to unknownmale63@hotmail.com *Peter H. there’s a rumour going round that you can’t shoot peoperly, well that’s what she said.




Comic Relief - Phantom Style
Hiya, it’s me again. How are you? Well, I’ve been busy this week getting this year’s only important election sorted, the one for who is gonna get gunged. There are 12 candidates: (Lovebite / Kev delete below as necessary) Kevin Marston (current Comms sabb, long haired scruffy bloke who, despite moaning about having too much work to do, is always playing with his frisbee when I visit him). David Abbott (union chair, the real goatee and doing a Masters in Electronic Engineering – surely he deserves being splatted just because of that). Bulent Yazici (union technology officer, the Sex God of the Sailing Club who describes his pastimes as getting wet). Jo Nobblet (societies chair, the girl who is lusted after by at least one bloke in bf, maybe he could produce some photos of her getting gunged). Adam Jakeway (president-elect, rugby player and security – must get your vote if you’ve ever been thrown out by them). Logan Hillier (star of Guys and Dolls playing a slimy greasy gangster – want to see him slimy in real life?) Spenser Theobald (a man so laid back, he’s virtually horizontal all the time. Will the sunglasses still be on his head when he’s gunged?) James Buller (societies-elect, have you seen his new sexy haircut? it would be a shame to ruin it). Tristan O’Dwyer (comms-elect, bit worried about this one, should I gunge the bloke who’ll be my boss next year? Yeah, of course I should) Denise Goodwin (sports-elect, the blonde bombshell on crutches, surely we need to do something to spoil her looks if only for a few minutes). Lisa Widdows (education-elect, the girl usually found behind the union bar with the butterflies in her hair). John Geeson (finance-elect, the jack-the-lad always up for a laugh, fancy seeing the ‘yoke’ on him?) Right now you know who the nominees are, how do you vote for them? Well, none of your fancy 1,2,3 here, just a simple tick in the box of the person you want slimed. Pick up a voting form from Union reception; it’ll cost ya 50 pence a vote, all proceeds to Comic Relief and you can (and are positively encouraged to) vote as often as you like. Comic Relief is a registered charity, number 326568. (Had to say that bit, it’s the law). You can vote from now till Wednesday of week 9 (14th March) and don’t forget to watch the splatting live in the union on Friday 16th March. Lastly are you doing anything else for Comic Relief? If so let the bf team know by emailing barefacts@ussu.co.uk

Surrey Sport welcomes new Nurses
For any new Nursing students out there, welcome to Surrey Uni and welcome to the sports side of life here in Guildford. With fifty clubs (see below), we invest a huge amount of time and money on sports and take pride in welcoming everyone regardless of ability. Any sporting achievements (such as the recent Women’s Football league title) are just a bonus. To celebrate Sport we have an annual Colours Ball, the launch party of which (along with GU2) you might well have been at last night. The actual Ball is the 4th May and tickets are now on sale. Although it does cost you £50 you get a heck of a lot for your money and is considered by many to be the best night of the year. See the website (details below) for more details. To get involved with any aspect of sport at Surrey, check the Union website; www.ussu.co.uk then “sports” or have a look at the club notice boards (near the offices). And while I’m here, another thing to get involved in is our efforts for Comic Relief. My advice: vote for Jo Nobblet - third year nurse. In fact I will personally pledge a tenner for her to be gunged. Chops (Sports Ed)

The view from the Millenium Suit; venue for this years Colours Ball.




TKO (Total Knockout) Yes all you TKO enthusiasts we have a new teacher to carry on Rose Coopers fantastic, bubbly class. And you Guys out there - our new teacher is JOHN-O, just to prove that Surrey classes are streamlined for you too!! This definitely is a FUN based class which involves upper body boxing and kicking moves, all put together with simple, low impact aerobic routines—— IT’S SIMPLE and it’s a great way to punch away those pent up feelings !! Come Along WEDNESDAYS 5.30 in the University Hall and TUESDAYS 1.00 pm at the Sports Centre Studio

STEP AEROBICS Join COLIN at classes on Tuesdays and Fridays at 6.30! [5.30 classes are full] at the Sports Centre Studio] LOTTERY The lottery has now been postponed 1 month so there is now plenty of time to get yours number. Support for this venture would be greatly appreciated by your fellow students. JIVE NIGHT Jive Night is making its debut at the Varsity in March. Similar to Latino Evenings this new event will be a huge success. Ticket prices will be the same as normal and will include and

American diner style meal, a shot of Vodka and a great party! More details form the Sport Centre ext. 9201 SPORTS DAY Wednesday 21st March, Entries by 16th March. What a day this is going to be at the Varsity Centre Soccer, Tennis, Hockey, Frisbee, Netball, Rounders, Tug-o-war and Karaoke. Mixed teams of 8 – 10 people, staff & students. £10 per team For more information contact Campbell Livingston ext. 9242, email c.livingston@surrey.ac.uk.

Mens Footie only score 1 cos 1 of them scored
After last weeks excellent 4-1 victory over Shottermill which didn’t warrant a match report due to Andy Bray’s jammy hat-trick, it was with some confidence we approached this important game against Shalford. The 10-1 loss against Brunel on Wednesday had long since been forgotten, mainly due to most of the team getting so shitfaced at the Beach Party we probably wouldn’t have recognised our own mothers. Due to Ross Wehr pulling a women of questionable repute and still being at it for kickoff, we were forced into starting with only ten men and once more I was forced into goalie action. Having stolen Robin and Kaiser Sumner from the 1st team we started strongly and were definitely creating the best chances. Robin was ‘unlucky’ not to get us an early goal but with the sun in his eyes opted to head wide from at least 5 yards. Andy Long also got involved with some wayward finishing but can be excused because as a Saints fan he is probably still in trauma from last Tuesday. We were unfortunate to concede 2 bad goals before Ruth’s Ben notched his first goal and took his incredible scoring run to 2 games! At this stage we looked the better side and with the addition of Berry’s mate Matt who turned up after 25 minutes and joined in, we should have been looking at making the game ours. Unfortunately this wasn’t to be. With me controversially sent off just after half time for a challenge that wasn’t so much late as in another timezone, Shalford were able to dominate the 2nd half and score seemingly at will. There were still some excellent individual performances to report, just that none of them were that excellent as to stop us getting dicked on. Ben did add a second with a cheeky lob and Mark Shaw bagged a record breaking second goal of the millenium. Alex ‘Liam’ Read battled well in midfield and several times used his silky skills of sticking his arse into opponents to good effect. Kier Milligan and DJ Christos also defended stoutly under the watchful eye of Sumner who may just about have earnt a starting role on wednesday. All in all, a good team performance but a moment of madness cost us the game. Sorry guys, how was I to know he was only 16??? Unis 3 - Shalford 8 “Well, your story is very compelling Mr. Jackass ... I mean, uh, Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.” Chief Wiggum - Springfield Police Dept Jez Hill

MWC Chill in the Beacons
van. We then embarked on the epic walk Simon Cox had planned for us. This involved the five highest points of the Brecon Beacons, including Corn Du and Pen-y-fan. We stopped for lunch at the top of Fan-y-big (probably spelt wrong), where most of us ate stale pitta bread with primula but Pete had smoked salmon, so gained the nickname Sir Peterlot. We continued onwards down to the reservoir where everyone had a nap in the sunshine. Eventually we continued along the Simon’s epic route plan, we led us to climb up a waterfall. Fortunately the waterfall was lacking water since it had frozen. Spag. Bol. for dinner and a visit to the pub helped us recover from the walk, however when we left the pub we realised it had been snowing steadily for a few hours. We all went to sleep wearing as many layers as possible to stay warm, after the experience of the night before. However the extra layers did not help since it was so cold overnight that all the water to the caravan froze, so we had no water in the morning. Excellent engineering by Evan meant that he was able to defrost the pipes to the caravan. We then ventured out in the Minibus again, but got halfway up a hill and decided it was too icy to continue. We then had the problem of getting the minibus back down the hill. A massive snowfight ensued, which was definitely lost by Art. Antifreeze helped the minibus tyres were able to grip, and we managed to park safely. The side of the mountain was then ascended, and promptly descended by Simon sitting on a survival bag. Only a collision with a bush saved him from a messy end. Unfortunately we then had to leave Wales to return to Sunny England. MM

Welcome all new Nursing students. (see page 18). Colours Ball (4th May) tickets are now on sale. Make sure you get yours soon or you might be disappointed. Just think if you don’t come, you will miss the chance to see what Men’s Waterpolo are doing to stick-out. Last year they appeared sporting (no pun intended) shaved ‘n’ dyed blue hair. If you are on a Sports Club committee (especially any social secretaries out there) make sure you get your members to come along. Before the Ball is the Sports Day which is just under three weeks away now and should be another good event for your sporting calendar. This week all our competing teams had a hard time. Men’s Football had another sending off

Sporting Vernacular

and therefore got another kicking. When will they learn? American Football have been forced out of the league due to injuries and stiff competition while Ultimate Frisbee came last in their first compeition. I hope Surreys luck will have improved by tomorrow as the Surf Club will be in their first BUSA National Championships. Mountain Walking have been off to the Brecon Beacons for a trip involving strange named mountains and slightly chilly conditions. On a sad note, Sir Donald Bradman, has died in his sleep at the age of 92. Known as The Don, he achieved an incredible average of 99.94 over 52 tests. Former Test umpire Dickie Bird described Bradman as “a genius” at the crease. Chops ps. Vote Jo[1] for gunge.

Last Friday the Mountain Walking set of for The Brecon Beacons. Our excellent navigational abilities meant that we were able to find our way to the campsite down isolated Welsh country roads at 1am in the morning, but managed to get lost in Farnham on the way. We awoke the morning after and decided the best word to describe our situation was cold. We quickly cooked a massive fried breakfast in an attempt to warm up the cara-

Some people enjoy a nice relaxing weekend doing nothing more than sitting down in front of the television with a cup of tea, a newspaper and a biscuit of one variety or another. Others, though, need something with a little bit of an edge: it sounds funny to say it, but some prefer nothing more than running round like an idiot chasing a small flying disc, more often than not colliding with another likeminded idiot or, if the worst comes to the worst, a wall. They actually enjoy aching muscles, bruised or broken toes and the feeling of not being able to walk properly. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the world of Ultimate Frisbee. This weekend saw the involvement for the first ever time of a Surrey Ultimate team at a tournament with other universities - we are now truly “out of the closet”. A team of nine enthusiastic enthusiasts left very early on Saturday morning (for some, it was still Friday night) in a convoy of two cars and set off for the bright lights of Nottingham: Slurrey Slingers was about to put UniS on the frisbee map by kicking some metaphorical butt... ...it’s just a shame it didn’t quite turn out that way. Given that it was our first tournament, we didn’t expect to do very well - in all honesty, we weren’t expecting to score a point. So, by the time it came to the first game and we found ourselves a point ahead, there were a few looks of surprise and bewilderment - could we, the tournament virgins, really win a match? In a word, no. The skill and experience of the other team (who eventually finished second) showed through and we soon found ourselves on the end of a bit of a drubbing. So the day wore on and we began to realize, via numerous other thrashings, that we had quite some way to go until we could compete with the teams we were playing - at least we were picking up a few tactics that had previous ly neglected to come our way. Problems off the pitch were starting to occur and we’re not talking animosity - we’re talking injuries (and the possibly slightly adverse effects of the night before). Some folk had been sensible and had decided to have an early night


before the early start - a good idea, ...and so it proved: even though you’d imagine, in order to get some we could have won had we had a sleep. Two team members, fully fit team, we didn’t because though, Rich Rees (the captain) fatigue began to take its toll. For all and Rich W (your poor author), the efforts of Suzy, Rich, Karen, thought they knew better and rolled Rob, Rich S and Rich R (the only fit in from the union at an hour even ones left) it all ended with us propthe pope would call un-holy. This, ping up the rest in a resounding combined with the fact that ‘Big’ last place. Lukey M sustained a rather nasty But that didn’t matter - we’d had toe injury following an encounter the experience of being the first with a wall, did not help. So the day’s play ended: 6 games, 6 defeats and one team was left wondering what the hell was going on. Best thing to do, we figured, would be to go and carry on as a couple had done the night Ultimate Frisbee looking fun before. Off we went, then, and represented the UniS spirit as best team ever to represent UniS at an we knew how - we danced a funky Ultimate tournament and we beat and drank some cheeky pints. received a small bong as our Our only problem was getting to wooden-spoon prize: you’ll underwhere we had to go: convoy of two stand, though, that none of us cars - can’t be that difficult for one knew quite what you are supposed to follow the other, you’d imagine. to use it for... Ah, maybe it is. Picture it - Stew ...given the opportunity, I know driving the front car, Rob following that we would all do it again - the not quite close enough behind. friendliness of all the teams really Within minutes there were cries of was something I don’t think any of ‘can anyone see Rob?’ from the us had ever experienced before. It front car and ‘will the bloody idiot went as far as after every game, slow down?’ from the second car. both your own team and your It all ended about an hour later opponents all go outside and pretafter the front car went over an A- ty much have a group-hugging road that the following car hap- session, where everyone else says pened to be going along and we all how brilliant everyone else is and met up with each other on the you play silly games for a short other side of the city from which while, all roughly held together by a we’d started off. slightly ambiguous bit of string. It The following day, we began to really made no sense at all, but rue our funkiness and curse our then again, neither did much about drinking abilities - the casualty list the weekend we all just had. made for impressive reading: Luke When all is said and done, we M sitting out with a bruised toe; were all knackered at the end of it Rich W asleep continuously, rous- and had a tremendous sense of ing only at the mention of food; satisfaction of what we had done... Stew Fudge - another victim of a ...and remember - if you’re the toe incident (a fellow opponent this slightly nutty type and have nothing time and not a wall); Rich S - a lit- better to do on Sunday at 12 noon, tle hungover; everyone else - make sure you find your way to the aching muscles. We were in trou- UniSport sports hall so you can find ble - three matches to go and we out what it’s like for yourself. were down by at least three players - we really had no chance... Rich W

Due to injuries and illness the Stingers were forced to withdraw from this British Collegiate American Football League fixture Following the toughest decision of his coaching career Head Coach of the Stingers, Pete Vaughan, said “ My players have given everything this season and I am proud of them all. We were given the toughest schedule in the country and we knew we would have difficulty in view of the key losses we suffered, due to graduation, from last years team. People stepped in and stepped up and our early season 3-1 record was a credit to their efforts. Luck has not been with us and we have suffered further losses - all of them to key veteran players. We were ready to leave for Cardiff when we got the news that 2 of our remaining 5 linemen were unable to make the trip. I know that of the 17 people on the bus at 7-00am this morning 3



were far from fit but had comitted themselves to playing regardless. We had no Center or Tight End and only 3 linemen in total. There is only so much you can ask of people and as coaches we have the responsibility for the safety of our players - myself and Steve Rains (Offensive Co-ordinator) therefore very reluctatly decided that the team would not travel.” The Stingers end the season 34-1 and will look to bounce back next year. Testimony to players efforts and the difficulty of the schedule is that UEA, who we defeated twice, will now progress into the play offs. Some of the Stinger players will continue training with the British Senior League Division 1 PA Knights who are currently preparing for the new Senior League season - practice is at 11 am on Sundays (Varsity Centre). David Skinner

Warm up…
Name & age: Louisa Phillipson, 21 going on 15 Nickname: Lou, Lolli, Tigger, Wizz – take your pick. Best feature: My mates What you look for in a man or women: Sexy Forearms Availability: Attached and loving it Worst thing about your sport: Wearing a lurvely leotard Best single moment in your sporting life: Winning Grade B National Finals last year Ultimate sporting dream: Making a GB team Worst injury: Concussion – doing a double back somersault

Favourite position (this question applies to relevent sports only – no innuendo intended honestly): Who am I to ague with “10 different positions in under a minute.” Best thing about your sport: Matching hair scrunchies

Sporting idol: Erika Burt – a trampolinist who has represented GB after having sproglets Most embarassing sporting moment: Going all the way to St Moritz to compete and falling off the end! Tip: Keep your bum tight and watch your toes Hidden aspects to your sport:

Bum glue!

Cool down…
Worst fear: Leotard up my bum, how embarrassing Chancellors or Roots: hmm! Pub crawl potential You in three words: Mad, bad, bouncy