Rag Special

FREE
25/01/01 Issue no: 999

Aliens have Landed
p5

Human Auctions
p7

Dimestars live review p11

Sport news p22-24

Sewage Chaos
by Luke Hickey Deputy Editor A series of events took place over the last weekend, which could have led to a serious health hazard. The bizarre sequence of events began on Friday morning, as some of the occupants of House 29, Stag Hill Court noticed the toilet and showers overflowing slightly, with green water coming up through the drains. The water soon died down, and by the time the Warden arrived to inspect, there was little left to see. The area was then cleaned and to the best of the residents’ knowledge nothing further was done about the incident. On Sunday morning, there was a similar occurrence, with the water again dying down before the Warden could properly inspect the area. Sunday evening, saw the third occurrence of the same pattern, except this time the water did not recede as before, instead getting higher and starting to seep out of the bathrooms into the hall. The Warden was informed of the events and staff began attempting to remove the overflowing liquid with buckets and hoovers. However, the staff soon left the residents to continue the job on their own. The water began rising too fast, so the residents decided to go to the only court reception open on Sunday evenings, Battersea Court. The receptionist at Battersea Court was unable to locate any disinfectant, but did open their cleaner’s cupboard, where some gloves, and further buckets were found. By now the water had started to relent and it was getting late, so the residents decided to block the gaps at the bottom of the bathroom doors with their duvets and go to bed. At about 1pm one of the residents got up and noticed puddles of water on the floor. Security were called and residents were helped to move out of their rooms for the night. Two of the residents, Claire Cooper and Kelly Andow, told barefacts of the conditions at the time, “The place smelt absolutely disgusting, with toilet paper coming up through the toilet and floating across the bathroom, the whole place was a massive health hazard”. The following morning, the residents returned to find that the water level had dropped and were told not to use showers, baths or toilets. However, the rest of the court still was using the amenities and soon the sewage began flowing across the bathrooms, hall and rooms again. By this time Richard Paxton, university accommodation manager, had arrived to inspect the scene for himself; he immediately offered to move the residents. Paxton later gave the students a letter apologizing for the inconvenience caused over the weekend, and offering University help in moving them. He also made clear that the new accommodation given to the residents (University Court) was theirs until the end of the academic year and that they would not be charged extra for it. Paxton told barefacts that the problem was due to a build up of grease in the drains on Stag Hill. He also said that before it is fit for living in again, House 29 will have it’s carpets replaced, and where necessary refurbishment is required it will take place. Paxton commended the residents for their actions over the weekend and their willingness to cooperate in moving out quickly. He also made clear that the students who used duvets to block doors will not be charged for doing so. Barefacts has also learnt of similar problems in Guildford Court over the weekend, although in this case it is believed that the cause was residents flushing plastic bags down the toilet. Barefacts readers may be keen to ask themselves why it took so long for the University to appreciate the potential seriousness of this situation and why the residents were not offered temporary accommodation immediately while the cause of the drainage problem could be investigated.

Stag Hill 29 Ground floor

Residents moving out

Stag Hill Burning
By Luke Hickey Deputy Editor Last Tuesday (23/1), Campus was awash with flashing blue lights as the fire-fighters descended on House 22 in Stag Hill Court. Around 7:00pm, a resident was grilling a burger, when the grill pan caught fire. The resident immediately followed correct procedure and placed the fire blanket over the grill, thus putting out the small fire. University security was then called, who in turn alerted the fire brigade. Sub Officer Paul Crowder, senior firefighter at the scene, spoke afterwards of his delight at the way the resident handled the situation, “The fire department was alerted by security that there was a fire on campus. When we arrived security directed us to the scene quickly and four other officers already on the scene met us. When we entered the building, we found that the grill pan had been safely extinguished by the use of a fire blanket. The students concerned acted in an entirely proper manner. I would like to commend security and the students for their prompt action.”

Fire engine on Tuesday night

barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

News 1-2 n Rag 3-5, n barearts 7-18

n Lifestyle 21 n Sport 22-24

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Editorial Team
Editor Editor
Kevin Marston

News
Editorial
Welcome to our 999th issue, which this week sees rag taking it over for their own needs...so spot their stories. All of the money raised at rag will go to the various charities that they support so the more money you can give the better. As part of the fund raising various members of the barefacts team auctioned themselves off at the Human Auction raising about £70,. So a big thanks from me for doing so...even though I gave them that little shove. Also this week sees the introduction of a barefacts proof reader, Duncan Hamilton...I wish him the best

25/01/01

Deputy Editor Deputy Editor
Luke Hickey

Production Editor Production Editor
Andrew Thomas

of luck as he’s going to need it. (and he’s only proof read three articles...so the rest is my fault) Finally, I ‘ve decided to change the picture this week, so watch out for more wacky pics in the future. - Kev

News Team News Team
James Buller Arthi Veerupillai

Film Editors Film Editors
Libby Hurt

Science Editor Science Editor Political Editor Political Editor
Reuben Thompson Nick Walsh

...News In Brief...News In Brief...News
'Death-trap' Destroyed A derelict Guildford building, notorious as a drug den and squat was knocked down last week. The walls of the old Biddle print-works started to fall as the demolition experts started their 4-week job. About 40 tons of rubbish including used syringes for injecting drugs had to be removed from the site in advance. In the past the emergency services have had to contend with the danger of these as they were frequently called to the old factory. During the summer two drug related deaths were recorded there. Guildford Firefighter Michael Franks said: "It was a horrendous place. Horrible things and drugs were inside, so we will heave a sigh of relief. It was a potential danger to the public because of fire and other hazards." Offices will be built on the cleared land while the 200 tons of steel and 700 tons of bricks will be recycled. Four year old Paul Mead who lives nearby has been watching the wreckers. "It's exciting watching the machine. When those bricks fall down it gets too noisy" he said. Neighbour Liz Shales however is sad to see the structure go. "It was once upon a time a nice building and if the owners had done something with it 10 years ago we could have something better," she said. Lakeside Makes Donation The metabolism of three soya foods will be examined though volunteers providing blood and urine samples. A preliminary study last year used volunteers from the local community wishing to contribute to a greater scientific understanding of nutrition and health. Most subjects found the study an enjoyable and sociable experience, To find out more contact Anne Hawdon on 01483 876480, email a.hawdon@surrey.ac.uk Police: We Know Damilola's Killer Officers investigating the stabbing of 10-year-old Damilola Taylor say they know who did it but cannot act because they lack the firm evidence required. Chef Inspector Trevor Shepherd, said a "culture of hostility" among young witnesses was stopping the inquiry from progressing. He said many Peckham residents have helped police but some have not. "It indicates a culture of reluctance to talk to police, if not downright hostility that exists among what some would call gangs of youths on some of these large estates," he said. "This said I would appeal to these youths, particularly those who weren't actually responsible for the injury, to come forward." To date police have arrested 15 people in connection with Damilola's death but no one has yet been charged. A renewed appeal was made by A Radio One DJ Jonathan Joseph on the BBC's Crimewatch program yesterday. 'DJ Spoony', filmed the piece just yards from where Damilola bled to death. He said: "I know it is difficult. I grew up on an estate just like Damilola where the police are often not the most welcome people." He went on: "But this is such a tragedy... The chances are there is someone out there who knows who killed Damilola... I'm begging them to come forward." Damilola's father was also interviewed for the broadcast. "What was it in the minds of those who did it? What did they want and why did they do it?" he asked. Mr Joseph was recruited after police visited youth centres in the area of the incident. They asked which celebrities the youths most respected and would listen to. At Damilola's funeral footballer John Fashanu also made an appeal for information. Museums To Axe Entry Fees All England's National galleries and museums could soon be offering free admission according to the BBC. A deal has apparently been made between government departments, allowing institutions to scrap their entrance fees. The Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) has got the Treasury to let museums off a technicality making free entry unpalatable. Museums currently receive a rebate on VAT as long as they levy a charge for admittance. The DCMS had already agreed to subsidise the museums so that they could charge a £1 flat rate from September. The new deal means the rebate will be still paid even if there is not charging. Sites affected by the move include the Victoria and Albert Museum, the Natural History Museum and the Science Museum, as well as the Tate galleries at Liverpool and St Ives. Museums outside of England however are not covered as their own parliament and assemblies fund them. The National Museum of Scotland is to remove its entry fees from April making it equal with the Ulster Museum. The National Museum and Gallery of Wales is negotiating with the Welsh National Assembly to drop prices to £1 in the future.

Sports Editor Sports Editor Features Editor Features Editor
Vacant Dave Chapman

Marketing Team Marketing Team
Ali Danby Ellen van Keulen

Music Editor Music Editor
Owen Hazelby

Arts Editor Arts Editor
Vacant

Proof Reader Proof Reader
Duncan Hamilton

Contributers Contributers
Ali Danby Luke Mackenzie Lucy Andrews Reuben Thompson David Abbott MWC Simon Robinson Music Team SAIS & Dr Russ

barefacts Union House, University Of Surrey Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH Tel: 01483 879275 Fax: 01483 534749 email: barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

Deadline for Publication

Monday 12pm Submissions preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, Text in Arial, size 9 font
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office.

The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union or the University of Surrey.
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission of the publisher. All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions.

The Lakeside Restaurant has given £500 to a dinner dance in aid of National Meningitis Trust and local charity Cherry Trees. The restaurant run by students of the School of Management Studies got the money by accumulating gratuities left by impressed diners. The Charity Dinner Dance, now in its 34th year is also arranged by final years in the management department. David Sharman and Rachel Odlin received the cheque on behalf of the events organising committee. Sharman, the Chairman said, "The Dinner Dance is the finale of eight months of fundraising which has included balloon races, street collections and a cocktails evening. We look forward to raising even more money for our two charities at the ball in London which is one of the University's most prestigious events of the year." This year the event will be at the Park Lane Hotel in London, on 27 January. 450 guests including the ViceChancellor and other distinguished guests will be there. Full of Beans? UniS needs volunteers to take part in an investigation into soya. The study hopes to determine how the amount of soya consumed relates to good health. The Centre for Nutrition and Food Safety based in the biology department is seeking healthy men aged 18+ and post-menopausal women. The trial involves a little dietary modification and would include just eating one soya meal each week. "This is a really important first level study, which will enable us to provide deductions as to what and how much soya individuals should consume to maximally benefit their health" said Projects Co-ordinator Anne Hawdon, Existing data suggests that soya consumption may reduce incidences of coronary heart disease, menopausal symptoms and breast cancer. There is a lower rate of these complaints in Asia where more soya is more prevalent.

Printed by East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT
© USSU Communications Office 2000

25/01/01

Rag News

VC Finishes Alphabet
Sector. He is consdidered by many in this field to be a world leader. His contributions have included, taking the credit for the Apollo Moon landing, the release of Nelson Mandela, and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Since arriving at the University fifteen years ago, Prof. Pending has been instrumental in many initiatives which give him credit for everything, including a weekly newsletter “Pending Matters” which informs everyone of his greatness. Prof. Pending MA, BA(baracus), NBA, MBA, ABC, easy as 123, CNN, MTV, NEWS24 (digital and cable only), CU, L8TER, M8, DiR, CD, DEL, C:\, MP3, NWA is 127.

Farewell Unis, Hello BP!
by Rag News Team
Image In what is expected to a major waste of money, the University announced yesterday, that the old name UniS is about to be ditched. After a period of review, design consultant Mr Bags O’Money came up with the new image on the back of an envelope in Wates house last week. “UniS is very circa 20th century” said Mr O’Money, “We needed to bring the enviroment straight into the 21st century with a new dynamic that would meet the needs of getting Prof Pending onto the front page of the Surrey Advertiser”. Black From next year, Unis will be known as “Battersea Polytechnic”, and the corporate colour will be black. And White The old UniS logo will be replaced with a rather regal looking “Crest”. “The review will go much further than just a new name”, Prof. Pending commented. “We are planning to scrap the semester sytem to introduce a schedule we are calling terms”. There is planned to be three ten week ‘terms’ in one academic year. The old school structure has also been earmarked for review. “We are currently looking into the idea of ‘Departments’ to replace the schools” said somebody important. Minstrel Show The new ‘Departments’ will be smaller and easier to manage, with students being taught at group sessions called ‘lectures’. We came up with the name of Battersea Polytechnic due to the fact that the University is situated right next to Guildford Cathedral.

3

by Rag News Team
It was announced this week by the queen that Prof. Pat Pending will recieve an order of XYZ so he can complete the alphabet behind his name. Prof. Pending said of his award, “Naturally I’m totally surprised by this honour”. The professor is expected to receive his award from the queen at a private ceremony in the Elm-Tree pub later tonight. Prof. Pending began his career at Bogchester polytechnic where he was senior lecturer in the Managing Complex Engineering Structures For the Education

Planes, Trains, and Buildings
by Rag News Team
Following the success of the new “train” design of Car Park 5 court, the University have commisiond another landmark building from architects Nicholas Grimsdale and Partners. The new building, will be situated on the last section of grass on the campus, in front of the lake. Mr Grimsdale said “We’ve covered boat and train, so it is only natural that we move onto aeroplane”. The new building will house the Battersea Polytechnic Centre for Useless Research. “We are planning many exciting new projects for the new centre”

Guildford Cathedral

Design Consultant, Mr Bags O’Money

Warning: The Effects Of Alcohol
by Rag News Team When you drink too much alcohol you are Wiskeyed off in a Martini to the nearest Port. There you meet two women:A Black Russian called Tia Maria who wears nothing but a Gin slip, and another girl called Bloody Mary. She's bloody because of the Screwdriver stuck in Cider head. Every time Mary shakes her head blood Oozo's out of her, at a rate of one drip Pernod. The pool of blood gets slowly Lager and Lager until you can Beer it no longer. "What are you doing here?" she Schnapps "I'm busy talking on my Vodkaphone." "I don't know" you Wine. "Nothing is Red and White to me any more." But then Baby, you realise it's all a sham. You're rudely awakened the next day by Jack Daniels. As usual for a Southerner he offers no Comfort and simply Brandys you a drunk. That was a Rum thing that happened last night you think, let's get drunk again!

Architect Nicholas Grimsdale, yesterday

Government Abolishes A-Levels
David Blunkett announced on Monday that the Labour Government plans to abolish ALevel examinations altogether. His announcement stunned the opposition benches into silence. George Fotheringham, Conservative MP for West Stretton, was even said to have woken up briefly after Mr. Blunkett's speech for the first time in nearly a decade. Mr. Blunkett was quick to explain the logic behind his decision. "We believe that university education should be open to the people who want to go - not just the privileged few with qualifications," he said. In a press conference afterwards, he elaborated, "First we abolished grammar schools, because they were unfair; then GCSEs replace O-levels, because they were unfair, too. This year we are trialling new-format It is already apparent to us that these do not go far enough in allowing even the thickest pupils a decent shot at further education. "Our new policy ensures that more students will be able to study vitally-important subjects such as Fashion Marketing. This will generate much-needed cash for us, as we are intending to charge students even more money for the privilege of going to university." The Conservatives were quick to criticise the plans. "This is just yet another in a sorry line of votegrabbing, penny-pinching, policyavoiding, crowd-pleasing ideas from the Labour Party," William Hague commented. "I just wish we'd thought of it first." Unsurprisingly, the announcement caused shockwaves across the teaching community. In the private sector, there was a palpable sense of relief. "We knew we'd done the right thing switching to International Baccalaureat exams," said Donald Chipping, head of Newingtonville College, an exclusive boys' boarding school in Yorkshire. "No Labour Government will be able to take those qualifications away from our students." Meanwhile, there was a mixed reaction in state schools. The Principal of one inner-city school in Birmingham, who asked not to be named, said that the new measures were "an intense relief for his team. Now my school won't become the first ever to have an entire year fail every exam they take." On the other hand, Mr. Blunkett's plans were ridiculed in Tunbridge Wells - one of the last places still to have grammar schools. "I fink it's, like, y'know, really stoopid," was the response from one articulate GCSE student at Southborough Grammar School for Girls. William Hague was also keen to point out the similarities between this policy and Labour's previous effort to wipe out selective secondary education. He said that if Tony Blair had been put in a class with the same sort of dunces that Mr. Hague had to share with, he "very likely wouldn't be running the country now." This statement was quickly refuted by the DfEE, who said, "Mr. Blair was indeed at school with a bunch of dunces, but in our opinion, he turned out all right in the end."

9am

Todays TV
BBC1 Breakfast with Frost Hullo, good morning and goodbye FILM Other Peoples Money Hilarious romp about the rise and fall of a spend happy window cleaner. A Touch of Frost David Jason stars as the detective who this week investigates the mysterious disappearance of £240, 000. FILM Carry On Spending Closedown (Due to lack of funds)

An artists impression of the new building.

11am

7pm

10pm

12am

Disclaimer - Rag News is not to be taken serious as all stories are fictious. Rag News Team - Disco Roy, Bulltix, D.Bishop

4

Your Emails

25/01/01

Your Emails
Please send your emails to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk To: barefacts From: Penny Murphy Subject: Male Escorts Cc:
Dear Mr Editor, I am writing on behalf of my fellow students at the EIHMS building. We are final year nursing students and graduate this August. We are having our graduation ball at the Forte Post house hotel and being only fifty five of us all female and the majority of us under thirty and single are looking for dates for this special occassion. we were wondering if the hockey, football or rugy team could help us out. There will be a three course meal, wine, a disco, free transport for a fee of fourty pounds, extras not included in the price !!!!!!!!!! but we may be willing to negotiate. Please send me your thoughts on this matter. Yours sincerely Miss Penny Murphy (sports ed. What’s wrong with the Ultimate Disc team??)

To: barefacts From: Tim Brown Subject: Bollards and Chikanes Cc:
Dear Bare Facts I just read the article regarding the rather unfortunate grey hatchback that crashed into a bollard. Lighting is definitely an issue although I have not yet seen one vehicle on campus move within the speed limits other than security vehicles. For those who do not know the speed limit is 15mph and even 5mph near Senate House. And I was even informed in my minibus test that this is a strict rule for which fines are in place. I would have thought that such accidents like this would be very infrequent if people obey the law as I, being someone who has to walk around that area to get to my office, feels that sooner or later some serious accident will take place.I personally don't under stand why people can't drive within the limits. I, as a driver, have always done so and intend to continue doing so. I hope some others out there feel the same way or may even begin to feel that way. Tim. (ed. See news in brief on page 2 for an update on last week’s front page story)

To: barefacts From: Tristan O'Dwyer Subject: RE: Tuition Fees Cc:
Dear Sir, I would once again like to reply to several points made by Mr Stanway in his latest letter on tuition fees and education. First of all I will reply to his final point. He seems to believe that those who took part in the march against tuition fees should offer him an apology for claiming to represent him. They were not. He should realise that the purpose of a representative (in this case the NUS) is not to represent its members views. The role of a representative is to represent the interests of a group, not necessarily what they want. The NUS believes that it is in its members best interests not to have to pay tuition fees. I think I should take this opportunity to remind him that he does not have to be a member of the union. Indeed, the 1988 Education Act states that a student has the right to be member of a university without being a member of the NUS. If Mr Stanway really believs the NUS is not protecting his best interests he is entitled to leave. Somehow I doubt he will. Mr Stanway thinks that primary education should be privatised too. Who is to pay for this education? If it is the parents of the child then what would happen if they could not afford the education? It's bad enough people missing out on University education because they cannot afford it, but not getting a decent primary education would have disastrous results for the individual AND for the country. He also states that "the justification for funding education is that it pays off in the long run to have an educated population and active scientific research". If this is the case (and I believe that it is) how can it be an argument for privatisation? The best active scientific research is what we call "blue sky" research. This is research that is of no apparent "use" to anyone, but is undertaken because of curiosity (the "thirst for knowledge" I talked of in my original letter). This research often leads, in the long run, to new useful technological breakthroughs, which wouldn't have been foreseen when the research was started. Private organisations are more worried about knowing what they will get out of it before commencing research, and as such would not fund "blue sky" research. Governments do, although still not enough. Another point raised is that "taxation is about taking money off people with the threat of throwing them in prison. It is distinctly antisocial, and no basis for a healthy society." I think this is a very selfish view. Taxation is actually about asking people to contribute to the smooth running of the country and helping to provide the basic services needed by society. What I do think is anti-social is a refusal to face up to these responsibilities. But then again, Mr Stanway doesn't seem to have any problems with selfish views. As he said himself on the Union message board "My beliefs are in unmoderated, unashamed selfishness." The final point I would like to raise is in response to the following. "To claim a right to education is to claim that educators have no right to refuse to educate us." This all depends on who Mr Stanway sees the "educator" as being. Individuals have a right to refuse to educate by not becoming teachers, and not having children. I accept that. But society and government does NOT have the right to not educate. It has a responsibility to do so, and therefore has a responsibility to encourage individuals to become teachers. There will always be people willing to do this if it is a position treated with respect, and paid accordingly, through taxation. If anybody would like to discuss this further, a discussion on the union website message boards has been taking place for several weeks now. I look forward to seeing other peoples points of view. Yours sincerely, Tristan O'Dwyer Final Year Phyics

Please send all responces to emails to barefacts not the author. If you would like to write a letter then please send them to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

The new University of Surrey Students ‘ Union Website Containing information on Union Events Societies Welfare Sports & more SO TAKE A LOOK AND HAVE A BIT OF FUN

www.ussu.co.uk

25/01/01

Rag Features

5

Cosmic Crash Landing in Surrey
by Antidec Mclewn -Rag News Lunar Editor Earlier this week, shocked observers reported that they had seen an alien spacecraft crash land behind Stag Hill court! After a recent newspaper story reported on how there were possibly alien motorways on the moon barefacts thought it worth investigating. Sure enough behind Stag Hill we found a huge cone-like structure, it looked slightly damaged by the torrential rain and wind. Under it we could hear grunting and the sound of power tools. A few minutes later we came face to face with an alien, as it came through the bushes towards us! Having run to a safe distance we decided to follow it. The alien was seen to disappear into the craft only to materialise on some kind of lunar-trolley, which it drove into the Stag Hill residences. It then stopped off to “phone home” in a local booth before continuing onto central campus. Passing the union building the alien was seen to study several signposts and get excited over one in particular. It continued down some steps and it all became clear where it’s final destination was. Sure enough our silver visitor was seen to arrive at the Surrey Space Centre and disappear inside. It has not been seen since.

The alien approaches the Surrey Space Centre

The alien spacecraft

Phone Home

Mr Alien goes rambling

Mysterious space vehicles?

£££ NO TRAIN NO GAIN £££
If you can answer all these questions with "yes" we would like to hear from you!!! Do you need some cash? Do you live in University Court IV? (If you live anywhere else on Campus see "Other jobs include") Do you want to earn some money and get valuable work experience at the same time? Do you like trains??? Your profile: You have a cheerful personality and relish the challenge of people behaving extremely rudely towards you You enjoy working in a very unfriendly and hostile atmosphere at unsocial hours You are great at making up excuses if people ask unpleasant questions Great!!! This means our mission is your mission: Making our clients, the rail passengers, truly happy by providing an excellent and absolutely superfluous customer service!!! Have a look at the exciting part-time positions we offer: Train Spotter: If you live in one of the rooms in "The Train" which face the rail tracks turn a disadvantage into an advantage! All you need to do is: · count the annoyed passengers in the passing trains · fill out the confusing "passenger survey" forms we provide · press the "service" button every time a train comes in so that the "customer fairies" can start their equally useless work Customer Service Fairy: If your room is on the other side of the building don't despair because your new job is just as fun and challenging! When you hear the "service" bell you only need to: · get your promotion gear together (don't worry, it's all provided by us and ncludes: whistles, packets of crisps, cans of lager, crayons, copies of our free rail paper DelayTimes, a guitar etc.) run out to the rail tracks and entertain our passengers in the delayed trains (which usually stop just before Guildford train station) by singing happy songs to them, giving out freebies and let them shout abuse at you.

Other jobs include: Collecting stranded TESCO trolleys around campus Working as a bell boy in the ridiculously slow library lift ensuring that people wake up when the lift has reached the chosen floor Feeding the ducks and geese in the lake (in co-operation with the RSPCA) Working as a "lollipop lady" ensuring that no more senseless car drivers crash right into the new barriers on the hill beside the DK building You'll be pleased to hear that we have students working for us all over the UK and our theme parties such as "Catch the train" have proved to be extremely popular. Enjoy the fun of meeting people who also live in superb purpose built accommodation like "The Train" and share jokes on topics that everybody can laugh about like fire alarms, problem windows and shrieking showers. Don't hesitate to join CrazyTrains any time you like. We can assure you that your efforts will be incredibly valued not only by our company, but also by the whole country. We have all been suffering from bad train service for too long. It is time for some action and you can make a difference!!! If you think that none of these jobs is ridiculous enough not to have a go at feel free to contact us at www.thiswasjustajoke.com or scratch your head for a little while if you still didn't get it…

by Reuben Thompson Politcal Edior

Reuben Rants

6

Elections

he’s political!
able. Blair prudently left the country for an "official visit". MPs were given three choices on the future of hunting. The first option was to allow "self regulation", i.e. the status quo. The second was an authority to license and oversee hunting, and the third was a total ban on hunting with hounds. The important thing about this new bill, however, was that all three main parties allowed their members the rare spectacle of a free vote. This means that MPs can vote how they want to, not how their party tells them. There were therefore several surprises of the Widdecombe variety. For one, she voted for a total ban on hunting. The only Labour MP to vote to retain the current situation was Peter TempleMorris. Several prominent Lib-Dems voted to allow hunting to continue. Guildford MP, Nick St. Aubyn voted for the middle option of licensed hunting. In the end though, the option of a hunt ban won through by a fairly wide majority. The bill now passes to the Lords who, in their infinite (ha ha ha) wisdom will probably throw it out. There is not now time for the government to invoke the parliament act before the impending general election so there is little chance of it becoming law. Having been something of a zero issue week last week, this week had not only the hunting, but also the highly ethically controversial human embryology debate. The argument centres around the use of human embryos for research. Both sides are totally convinced they are correct morally, with one claiming it is murder and the other claiming that the embryos are not people and therefore the potential gains in saving people are worth it. The commons debated the motion a couple of months ago in another of those ever elusive free votes I mentioned, and narrowly passed it. The Lords however may look at it in a different way. The final minor issue of the week was the US presidential inauguration. Struck me as a complete waste of time and money, but hey, the Americans need made up bureaucratic ceremonies to replace their total lack of genuine history...

View From Across The Atlantic
By Jimbo Einz, Washington Correspondent. Gee, hiya, all you readers in lil'old England. I'm here in Washington DC to watch the inauguration of George 'Dubya' Bush and gee, what an experience it is- it sure beats the crowning of your ol' Queen Lil! As I'm sure you know, Dubya was elected president despite getting a lower number of votes than his opponent, Al Gore. Well gee, ain't that good ol' typical American democracy! It couldn't happen in England, where Tony Blair has a huge majority, I'm told! In all my years of covering our presidential elections, I've never seen one quite like this. The election went all the way to the Supreme Court. But yes, we still say that although the election was decided by judges, it is a triumph for democracy. And gee, let's face it, where else but The Land Of The Free would such an important election be decided in such a great way! Such a healthy contest like this is just what our Founding Fathers intended- y'know, the accusations of racism, fraudulent voting practices and court decisions split along party lines. Yup, every day I thank God I'm an American! Catch Jimbo’s weekly report in Muppet Radio with Jay, Lovebite, Dr. Spock and The Squire every week on GU2 (comming soon)

25/01/01

Last Wednesday saw three very strange things involving Anne Widdecombe. Firstly, she took the left wing view on an issue-- in this case supporting the banning of hunting with hounds; secondly, she received cries of "Who let the dogs out" from the Labour front bench during Prime Minister's Question Time (whatever happened to the "adult and sensible debate" I was talking about last week?), and finally she insulted my hair. It is however the hunting issue on which I shall be concentrating. Since Labour came to power in 1997, the issue of a ban on hunting with hounds has surfaced and resurfaced countless times, first with a Private Member's Bill brought by Labour MP Michael Foster which was talked into the ground by the government, and now with the new, government sponsored bill that received its third reading last week. Rumours, albeit in the end false, abounded in the press that the Tories were going to amend the bill until it was unwork-

Sabbatical Elections 2001
“Reach for the stars, climb every mountain….” Become a sabb?
For those of you who aren’t clear about the exact purpose of the Students’ Union, hopefully this article will help put things into perspective. Every student at this University will have a different view of USSU and how it affects their lives, but all have one thing in common: All have the automatic right to membership. Whilst you might find the odd bar here and there, maybe a band playing sometimes, or a disco going on, take away the entertainments, bars, and pool tables and you’ll still have a Students’ Union. Don’t worry; I’m not about to spout politics at you! The Union’s not about party politics it’s a democracy run for students by students, facilitating representation, training, academic advice, information, publications, co-ordination of clubs, societies, and amenities. But all this can’t happen by itself; which is where the Sabbatical team step in. Every year a team of six Sabbatical Officers is elected by cross-campus ballot, (in which all full members are entitled to vote), and each is elected to be responsible for a different aspect of Union life. It’s a full-time post held as a “year out” either during or after completion of studies. Below are some details about the positions available. Typical responsibilities held by all sabbs include representing the student population on various University committees, as well as on a local and national scale through work with and support from the NUS (National Union of Students). Together or individually, they tackle issues affecting students as and when these arise, providing contact and integration for all student groups, ensuring the objectives of the Union are met. ing So why be a Sabb? Well, to fully answer that you’ll have to speak to some people who’ve tried! Being a sabbatical officer puts you in a place to really influence things and tackle the problems you faced as a student. If you’re concerned about the way the Union’s run or the issues facing students, if you feel you can really make a difference at University or national level, then it’s definitely worth standing for election. Being a sabb is a great learning experience: it’s about making sure the student perspective is put forward (and listened to!); it’s about teamwork, a lot of work, campaigning, networking, meetings, support, education, trying to make an impact - oh, and beer prices... If you’re thinking of standing for election or just want to know more, please just come along and talk to any of the existing Sabbs; we’ll be more than happy to help! Election nomination packs are available from USSU reception from Monday of week 15 with information on what you have to do to get involved. You can stand for the following positions.

Vice-President Welfare

Education

and

This position deals with academic affairs and appeals and also personal and confidential matters. This involves sitting on many university committees and being a good listener.

erly and that every group is equally represented within the Union Structure

Vice-President Development

Finance

and

Vice-President Sports
Having an overseeing of all sports clubs can be a logistical nightmare. Have you made sure the coach to take the Men’s fifths to Brighton is ordered? … or was it Portsmoth? Luke Mackenzie Closing Date Friday 2nd Feb, 4pm

Sorting out budgets can be hard work. Making sure clubs and societies stick to them is even harder. Also being involved in the commercial side of USSU through chairing Finance and Services Committees.

Vice-President Societies and Culture
Making sure all the societies function prop-

President
They have overall control of not only the non-commercial aspects of USSU but also its commercial affairs. The President sits on all the major University committees and is the direct link between the Union and Senate house.

Vice-President Communications and Marketing
Barefacts is one of the prime media tools of the USSU and in this position you become the editor. A lot of late nights are involved putting the paper together but have the joy of seeing the end result published – as long as you can make enough money in advertis-

Splat-tastic

Phantom Flinger Human Auction Music Reviews OFU

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Elections
by Texas with their 'Greatest Hits' album. Rock is also causing a storm across the globe as Queens of the Stone Age's Nick Oliveri was arrested at the Rock In Rio festival on the 19th January. Police were waiting for Oliveri after the bands performance where the bassist played naked for the set. He was arrested for indecent exposure as frontal nudity is considerd a serious offence in Brazil and Oliveri could face a severe fine. Craig David has top the nominations for this years Brit awards by being included in the 'Best British Album', 'Best British Dance Act' and 'Best British Newcomer - R and B Urban' categories. Coldplay, David Gray and Toploader are amongst other top nominees. The award ceremony is due to take place on the 26th February at Earls Court. Meanwhile in the NME Brat awards Eninem leads the nominees with 6 nominations including 'Best Album' and 'Best Single' with 'Stan'. Coldplay and Oasis were nominated in three categories with both of them fighting it out for the 'Best Band' category along with Radiohead. The first headliners for this years festivals have been announced as Pulp and Orbital are both confirmed to play this years Homelands festival. The event takes place on the 26-27th May at the Bowl near Winchester. Other acts that have been confirmed include The Orb, Artful Dodger, Paul Van Dyke, and Pete Tong. Further festival news is that since the cancellation of Glastonbury, organisers of the Phoenix festival are considering bringing back the festival

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to try and fill the space Glastonbury has left. The event which was cancelled several years ago due to poor ticket sales is due to be held later in the summer near Stratford Upon Avon. On the eve of Oasis's forthcoming US tour with The Black Crowes, Noel Gallagher has brandished the American record buyers as having "bad taste, hence the Backstreet Boys." He went onto add that they "can't sing, can't play and can't dance." Trouble is I can't remember the last time I saw Noel dancing but I bet it wasn't that good either. Simon Robinson

Music News
The year 2001 has started how the music pundits predicted that rock would be big this year, as Limp Bizkit have stormed straight into the number one UK spot with their latest single 'Rollin'. In the process they have knocked Jennifer Lopez's 'Love Don't Cost a Thing' of the top spot after only one week. Similarly the Beatles album '1' which looked like it was going to number 1 for a long time to come has been knocked off the top spot

Emotive Nation
If you were in PATS last Saturday you may have seen some strange sights: hands grabbing eggs, heads peering over sheets, and dancers in toilets. Well, it was all part of the Emotive (Student dance company) Dance for the Camera workshop. Led by Mim King, a Brighton-based dance artist, the workshop was part of South East Dance National Dance Agency's Inside the Artist scheme. Mim showed us her dance films, which have been shown on cinema screens nationally and one of which (Dust) won the IMZ (an international art film festival) Screen Choreography award. She talked us through the process of making a dance film and then we began story-boarding our ideas for a one minute dance film. After lunch we were armed with video cameras and sent off to make our short films. At the end of the day there were some fascinating films for us to watch by projector. One group had created a surreal experience with hands in a shower room, another had experimented with filming dancers exploring textures and there was a comic film testing the possibilities for dance within a toilet. It was a great experience for me and I think all the others enjoyed it too, there was certainly a great atmosphere throughout the day. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who took part and helped make the day so interesting and fun, and to Sophie at Unisport and Kate and Pauline in the Dance Department for finance and support for this event. If you'd like to try your hand at dance-making or filming then get in touch with Emotive, we have a pigeonhole in the Union reception area, so drop us a note or e-mail ameliagammon@hotmail.com Michaela Lucking Secretary, Emotive

Quirk’s Music tips for 2001
This years list for "Best Newcomer" at the Brits reads like an obituary for UK music, who else would suggest the likes of under 6's fave Lolly and mind numbing trance by numbers workmen, Chiccane? Well here at Bare Facts we like to think we know a little better than the morons in their plush offices who see Cher as cutting edge and Garage having something to do with cars. Here are 5 acts who you should be hearing a lot more about this year. My Vitriol A four piece who met at college and signed to Mushroom shortly after a limited release on London's Org records. My Vitriol combine cutting edgy guitar rock with emotional content several levels above any of their contemporaries. 2000 saw the band narrowly miss the top 40 with "Pieces", a follow up to the anthemic "Cemented Shoes", both of which received substantial airplay on Radio 1. The band played to huge audiences in support to larger acts and also at the Reading and Leeds festivals. Their new single, "Always", is released in a couple of weeks. letting the world get on with it's own ego. The sound is similar to Bjork's more serene offerings, and will certainly please fans of "Debut". Emiliana's latest single is out this week. Sugarcoma Take 4 teenagers, add a bucketful of anger, pain, and general index fingers in the air attitude, and you have Sugarcoma. Jessica (vocals), Claire (guitar), Heidi (bass), and James (drums) met at school (and in fact, are still there finishing their a-levels) on the wave of nu-metal. Their debut single, "Blisters", was released late last year on Velocity records and has so far sold over 2000 copies. Steve Lamacq is a fan, playing their songs regularly on the Evening Session and bringing the band in to record for the show. This is metal music by metal kids, an example of the audience becoming the band not seen since Bis transcended indiepop hell circa 1996. An album is currently being recorded but has been delayed by their high profile touring support slots with the likes of My Ruin. Venus In Furs An as yet cruelly overlooked indiepop outfit, Venus In Furs hail from Darlingon but make regular trips down to London in a bid to find a deal. Their MP3 track, "Carnival", sat at the top of the Clickmusic internet music chart for over 2 months (and were only knocked off by Suagrcoma) showing that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have downloaded it. Theie latest demo cd has been played on the Radio 1 E v e n i n g Session, and also by XFM. The band have also appeared in several magazines, including the (now defunct) Melody Venus in Furs Maker, and MP3 Magazine. King Adora If you believed the Melody Maker hype this group of cocky make up smeared gutter boys were going to revolutionise pop music last year. Unfortunately so far they've yet to deliver - with their last single, "Big Isn't Beautiful", landing outside the top 40. It's been a good warm up though, national tours, magazine features, and extensive airplay have at least placed King Adora in the indiekid conscious. For those looking for a "new Manics" they fit the bill, more glam, more mouthy, and less fat, if they don't chart with their impending new single the world is simply not rock n' roll anymore!

King Adora

My Vitrol
Emiliana Torrini A 23 year old half Icelandic / half Italian singer and composer Emiliana Torrini was snapped up by One Little Indian (home of that other great Icelandic export, Bjork) last year. Her current album, "Love In The Time Of Science", has been well received by the press and she is now breaking through to mainstream airplay thanks largely to garage-style remixing of her most accessible tracks. Previous single, "Unemployed In Summertime", was a charmingly care-free naïve tale of lying back on Primrose Hill and

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Competitions & Millionaire

9

Competitions
Afternoon m’lovelies. Monsieur Lovebite, the huggable sex machine, is taking a well-earned break from competitions this week, so you’re stuck with me, The Bird Bums, instead. First of all to the winners of last week’s competitions. Congratulations to Louisa Hamlin who wins a batch of spankin’ new CD’s, including the latest from Jennifer Lopez. The answer to her question, which long-running TV program is co-presented by Jayne Middlemas, was of course Top of the Pops. Well done too to Nigel Martin who proudly collects two reef CD’s plus tickets to their concert in Guildford , for identifying that the Great Barrier Reef is in Australia. Hmm, me thinks Mr. Hickey could do with making these questions a bit harder. Anyway, what’s up this week?

WIN 6 FNO TICKETS
To get you plus five friends on the guest list for Friday Night Out, just complete this sentence in six words or less. The funniest response (according to the ed. board) wins the tickets: Other than Friday Night Out, what could the abbreviation FNO stand for? (and they need to be vaguely printable, please)

SOUNDS
We also have a copy of audio, the latest album from fuse, to give away. To get your hands on it just answer this question: Who was the youngest member of the Beatles?: George Bush George Harrison George Clooney

First correct answer out of the hat wins the CD. All entries must be in by 6 pm. on Monday. Editor’s decision is final. .

Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Hi, quizmaster Lovebite here again, this week two of our finest sportsmen take to the general knowledge field, representing the honour of their team. As usual, two lifelines (ask the audience and 50:50) and if they get the £1000 and £32k questions right, they ‘win’ at least that. If you want to take part in a future Millionaire then drop us a line a barefacts@surrey.ac.uk.
Ask the Audience £100: a 0% b: 0% c: 100% d: 0% £200: a: 0% b: 100% c: 0% d: 0% £300: a: 98% b: 1% c: 0% d: 1% £500: a: 7% b:83% c: 6% d: 4% £1000: a: 11% b: 17% c: 15% d: 57% £2000: a: 67% b: 30% c: 2% d: 1% £4000: a: 18% b: 14% c: 10% d: 58% £8000: a: 22% b: 63% c: 11% d: 4% £16000: a: 54% b: 27% c: 12% d: 7% £32000: a: 2% b: 22% c: 47% d: 29% £64000: a: 20% b: 17% c: 11% d: 52% £125,000: a: 31% b: 29% c: 23% d: 17% £250,000: a: 52% b: 7% c: 39% d: 2% £500,000: a: 27% b: 29% c: 24% d: 20% £1,000,000: a: 30% b: 18% c: 24% d: 28% 50:50 £100: keep c & d £200: keep b & d £300: keep a & b £500: keep b & c £1000: keep a & d £2000: keep a & d £4000: keep c & d £8000: keep b & c £16000: keep a & b £32000: keep c & d £64000: keep b & d £125,000: keep a & d £250,000: keep a & c £500,000: keep b & d £1,000,000: keep a & b

The Questions: £100: Which of the following is a famous card game? a: Doker b: Noker c: Poker d: Coker £200: In which month would you find Valentine’s Day? a: January b: February c: March d: April £300: For which football team does David Beckham play? a: Manchester United b: Sydney Olympic c: Miami Fire d: River Plate £500: Which of the following was not a James Bond Film? a: Goldeneye b: The World is more than Enough c: You only live Twice d: Never say Never £1000: Who is the current England cricket captain? a: Alec Stewart b: Mike Atherton c: Michael Vaughan d: Nasser Hussain £2000: The Gallagher brothers are part of which band? a: Oasis b: Blur c: The Stone Roses d: The Sex Pistols £4000: Paddington Bear’s favourite type of sandwich was a: Jam b: Peanut Butter c: Chocolate Spread d: Marmalade £8000: Hannah Spearritt is a member of which band? a: Steps b: S-Club 7 c: Scooch d: A1 £16000: In which county would you find Welwyn Garden City? a: Hertfordshire b: Berkshire c: Dorset d: Hampshire £32000: Which English monarch died in the first decade of the 16th century? a: Henry V b: Henry VI c: Henry VII d: Henry VIII £64000: Which county cricket team play at the Oval? a: Worcestershire b: Yorkshire c: Somerset d: Surrey £125,000: Which of these beetles is usually the biggest in size? a: Stag Beetle b: Burying Beetle c: Green Tiger Beetle d: Violet Ground Beetle £250,000: Habere is the Latin verb meaning a: to live b: to sleep c: to have d: to hold £500,000: How many silvers did Great Britain win at the Sydney Olympics? a: 9 b: 10 c: 11 d: 12 £1,000,000: How many named satellites does Saturn have? a: 18 b: 20 c: 22 d: 24

The Contestants
Matt Jackson After deciding to take most of the season off with the pathetic excuse of a broken leg, Kempy describes his job as 1st team hockey manager. He began by requesting that there were no hockey questions in the quiz, so as to avoid total embarrassment and then added, “General knowledge aint my bag.” Despite admitting to a couple of guesses, Kemp, managed to get to question nine before needing a lifeline. He took the audience and went with their answer. After hearing question 10 and muttering a few words not printable in a family newspaper, he took a 50:50 and then worked out the answer as c, since he knew the Mary Rose sank in 1545 (not certain how he managed to get it from that but never mind). Question 11 proved no problem and that was where it ended with Kempy not willing to gamble. £64,000 Jeremy Hill Up first was footie boy Jez, the rock at the heart of the impenetrable fourth team’s defence. Jez said that having got £16,000 on last week’s quiz, he would be happy with £32,000 this time and after that he’d gamble. Well, he started off well managing the first nine questions without a hitch, then disaster struck with question 10. First Jez asked the audience, but was not happy with their answer, so he took a 50:50 and was still not happy but went with the audience anyway. That landed him a guaranteed £32k. He then guessed the next two correctly but had no idea about £250 question so gave up, with the best score this semester. £125,000

10

Music Reviews
that wont let you go. Great song. 8/10 SR U2 – Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of (Island) The second single from ‘All That You Can’t Leave Behind’ is another example of U2’s never-ending talent for writing good songs… Other bands who have been going on for as long as they have don’t write songs half as good as this one! 8/10 O.C PINK - You Make Me Sick (Arista) Sassy attitude from the nu-feminist American with pink hair. This one seems pretty straight forward, there’s this guy, right, and he makes her sick. Put it with your Destiny’s Child and other assorted “men are scum” singles. 7/10 A.T. SAINT ETIENNE - Boy Is Crying (Warners) Like a Macdonalds, Saint Etienne are reliable if a little formulaic. More looping drums, synths, and the delicious vocal of Sarah Cracknell. As good as anything else they’ve done, bar of course “She’s on the Phone”. 7/10 A.T. Ash – Shining Light (Infectious Records) Ash return to the fray after almost a 2 year break with what can only be described as Ash back to their best with shimmering guitar, rock overtones and all backed by the Irish charm of Tim Wheelers vocals. Shining light is a simple love song turned into another Ash anthem which takes them back to sounding like their ‘1977’ days. 7/10 SR ETIENNE DE CRECY - AM I WRONG (XL) Am I Wrong is the first single to be taken from the recently released ‘Tempovision’ album. It is a innovative disco track with distinct fuses of house and groove. De Crecy is renowned for his expert production and the single and two B Sides are proof that he is one of the best and most influential producers in Europe in the last ten years. 7/10 M.S. EMILIANA TORRINI - TO BE FREE (ONE LITTLE INDIAN) Emiliana Torrini is a 23 year old half Icelandic, half Italian chanteuse singer

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Singles
EMINEM - Stan (Aftermath) Everyone knows this one, even your gran who complains about how the man ruins that nice girls singing. It’s a classic, yes, and everyone is sick to death of it after hearing it five times a day on the radio since November. So although this would have got a 10 last year sheer saturation point forces this down to a more modest 8/10 A.T. SPOOKS - Things I’ve Seen (Artemis) Like the Fugees circa “Ooh la la la”, with a smooth groove, a soulful female vocal, and some blokes doing their husslin’ rap thing. A total kick back of a tune and definite turn on for a sultry shimmy. 8/10 A.T. EVERLAST – Black Jesus (Tommy Boy) The hip-hopper that gave us “Whitey Ford Sings The Blues” is back with a razor sharp single with hefty guitar riffs and thumping hip-hop beats… a winner! 8/10 O.C. LSK - THE BIGGEST FOOL (SONY) This is another power-filled soulful track from a band that deserve far more widespread recognition than they’re getting at the moment. Catchy chorus and a quality vocal throughout. Nice 8/10 M.S. FATBOY SLIM feat MACY GRAY – Demons (Skint) Well, you have all heard this before haven’t you? Nothing for me to say really except that this is surely one of the best singles from the Fatboy’s album ‘Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars’: with its soothing piano line, weird chants and Macy’s distinctive singing, this is Norman’s production genius at its finest. 8/10 O.C Alpine Stars – Interlaken (Faith and hope records) Hotly tipped as the best new dance act, ‘Interlaken’ just shows why. Like an Air with beats ‘Interlaken’ is full of electronic bleeps and blips that would put Kraftwerk to shame and the listener is drawn in by an insatiably catchy melody

Single of the Week
LIMP BIZKIT - Rollin’ (Interscope) Fred Durst is ace, a huge grown man whining and swearing for “the kidz” with his hard mates riffing away in the background. Every 12 year old wants to be uncle Fred and now they’ll be looking to joyride round their middle class suburb with this blaring from the speakers. It’s Britney Spears when she burns her teddies and declares she wants paint her room black. It’s tailor made for GAP when they declare “everyone in baggy pants” (wait, it’ll happen). It’s absolutely f***king the sh*t (as Mr Limp would say) and just what daytime raido has needed for a long time. 9/10 A.T. who has been turning heads across Europe throughout last year. This single is in collaboration with Tore Johansson (of Cardigans fame) and consequently has a very recognizable sound. Torrini’s voice is also very similar to another famous Icelandic singer… nuff said. 7/10 M.S. JENNIFER LOPEZ - Love Don’t Cost A Thing (Epic) Okay, so it’s very nice to have a full screen video of this single (comprising Ms Lopez rolling on a beach and ripping off some Janet Jackson dance moves) but the song itself is a tired format. Some r n’ b beats, a sliding chorus, and some hideous horns at the end. It’s not bad, just overkill of a genre in an already crowded chart. 6/10 A.T. LIGHTS - Dare To Dream (Sony) Touted as the next big things in the alternative scene Sony yet again shoot wide with a tiresomely trad guitar rock thing that improbably combines the worst of Reef and Ocean Colour Scene. Give them three re-releases over the next year or so and they might strike lucky in a Toploader style as being everyone’s second favourite band. 5/10 A.T. DUM DUMS - ARMY OF TWO (GOOD BEHAVIOUR) This is the fourth single from the guitar
SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project (BMG)

boy-band. It is annoyingly plain and seems to have stepped back at least five years into the brit-pop era. Having said that it will probably be loved by teenage girls. I predict it will be the theme tune for a tv drama soap in the very near future. 5/10 M.S. JAY-Z – I Just Want To Love You (Give It To Me) (Mercury) Quite how this guy manages to get in the charts is a mystery: his hip-hop is bland, commercial bull****. However, I am sure that as with previous releases, this will be a hit. Sad, very sad. 4/10 O.C INGE VAN HENDRICK - Shamen (Unicorn Star) Possibly the most derivative watered down lousy attempt at pleasing the trancefloor this side of Hi-Gate, this is a shameless souless xerox of a thousand tunes that have come before. 3/10 A.T. Alaska J – Pop Idiots (London Records) The first thing that springs to mind when hearing ‘Pop Idiots’ is something like the pot calling the kettle black because pop idiots are exactly what Alaska J are. Riding on the Blink 182 punk pop phenomenon, they combine the attitude of punk (or to them shouting and load guitars) with pop melodies and they sound like a Top Shop Sex Pistols with crap songs. 3/10 SR

Album of the Week
SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project (BMG)

If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you will have a good idea of what this sounds like: a mixture of rock, blues and folk. Beautiful singing, clever, profound lyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivity with rhythmic chutzpah. Stand out tracks include the first single ‘Last Time’, the bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’ and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Too Much’. There is also ‘Wasting The Rain’ a love song that should be and all those cheesy tapes you make for your loved ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C

If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you will have a good idea of what this sounds like: a mixture of rock, blues and folk. Beautiful singing, clever, profound lyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivity with rhythmic chutzpah. Stand out tracks include the first single ‘Last Time’, the bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’ and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Too Much’. There is also ‘Wasting The Rain’ a love song that should be and all those cheesy tapes you make for your loved ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C SCANNERFUNK – Wave Of Light By Wave Of Light (Sulphur) A departure from the more abstractly invigorating experimental work that they are more usually recognised for, this album seeks to unite the hip with the

Albums
brain. Sculpting a sound that twists state of the art technology in gloriously unconventional ways, this C.D ignites flaring beats with symphonic strings, fluttering electro rhythms with melancholic minimalism. The future of funk is here. 8/10 O.C Turin Brakes – The Optimist LP (Source) Whilst rock is supposed to be the big thing this year, at the other end of the scale bands are starting to get noticed what with Badly Drawn Boy and Coldplay entering the charts recently and likely to join them soon is Turin Brakes. The Optimist LP is an album

No picture

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full of murky despair and anxiety. However, like a Shakespearean tragedy at the bottom of it all there is hope as on ‘save me’ Ollie Knight sings “pulling me out of this mystery making me breath again” and on ‘The Door’, “there’s a much better place”. Turin Brakes consist of Ollie Knight and Galle Paridjanian and together they write songs with more despair than Thom Yorke and with more beauty than Jeff Buckley. This is certainly something worth being optimistic about. 8/10 SR SLUDGEFEAST – Rock n’ Roll (Fuzzbox) This debut album from these south Londoners, with its brash, unpolished sound is a direct take on the likes of Five, Westlife and all the other shit that clogs up the charts… The album sounds like MotorHead in their early days, with a hint of Stooges: raw energy, killer distortion and LOUD!. It seems like they are saying: look here you gabbling-rosyfaced-manufactured pile of shit (Westlife, Britney et al.) learn how to ROCK! 7/10 O.C SUCONA - NO EXCUSES (CONVERSION STUDIOS) This is a debut album from a southeast-

Music Reviews/ live
ern band who are hoping to expand their horizons. Their sound is very guitar based with funk influence and despite good lead vocals the material doesn’t have much innovation or potential. I can picture them being a full-time professional support band. 5/10 M.S. Yongen Whispers and Knives/Moonrise (Igi) The Japanese music scene has hardly made much of an impact in Britain and this debut single from Yongen could explain why. Whispers and Knives is a beautifully crafted song creating an evocative wide screen soundscape. However, this blend of beauty and grandiose leaves a feeling of emptiness with nothing to fill the space. Whispers are too understated to fill this gap and will just go by unnoticed perhaps someone needs to start shouting. 5/10 SR The Smut Peddlers – Porn Again (Beat Wax) The Smut Peddlers are the hip-hop equivalent of Alex from ‘A Clockwork Orange’ as they revel in smut, filth and ultra violence. However, the big difference between the Anthony Burgess character is that Burgess writes with art where as the Smut Peddlers know no poetry and the smut just gets dirtier and the violence harder. Still its supposed to be it is hip-hop. 5/10 SR The Action Time – Versus the world (Southern Records) Comprised of 6 members, all of whom appear to be ex-cons or gambling drug addicts, which the chances of them al meeting is pretty slim and by the sounds of it the chances of them making a good album is even less likely. Made up by Miss CC Rider, Jack Duvall, E B Rockets, Miss Spent Youth, S k Sparkles and Rock Action, The Action Time are a kind of Motown Sex Pistols. However, this comparison is probably just an excuse so that they can get away with not even sounding like they are in tune. Throughout the whole of ‘Versus The World’ The Action Time sound like a cross between a group of drunk Irish men returning home from the local after drinking fifteen pints of Guinness and a primary school choir group that cant sing but just go along to get out of lessons. The only good moment throughout the album is when front man Rock Action leaves the singing to the women on the beautiful ‘Killing Time’. However every-

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Albums
thing is relative and the reason for this tracks apparent brilliance is probably due to the standard of the rest of the album which is poor. 2/10 SR ANDY SMYTHE - CHANGING SEASONS (DREAMING ELEMENTS) I’m sorry, I refuse to hold back. THIS IS DIRE. Utter meaningless, musicless drivel that a rabid monkey could produce. His voice tears at my ears like a pneumatic drill, his lyrics have caused my friends and I literally hours of amusement, but also serious pain. My personal favourite track is ‘the Russians are coming’. Avoid like the plague. 0/10 M.S.

This weeks reviews brought to you by: Andrew Thomas, Alex Rajkovic, Simon Robinson. Matt Southcombe, Oliver Chamero(There were more but a “technical fault” prevented their appearance).

Live
Fire Apple Red, Me Against it All and Ollie Impossible The Peel, Kingston; 20/12/00 I don't know if Belgian punk band Fire Apple Red like playing bottom of the bill, but they do seem to consistently occupy that position in spite of the excellent quality of their performances. Tonight they don't let us down, running through their usual set of punk/ska crossover songs, mainly revolving around beer. Singer, Tarik deals with a thirteen year old mohicaned heckler with aplomb, telling him exactly where he can stick himself to the enjoyment of the crowd. Me Against It All, having recently secured a major record deal were something of an unknown quantity, but they proved themselves to be one of the best punk bands I have seen in a very long time, featuring tuneful, highly lyrical songs almost reminiscent of the Foo Fighters at times. The sound they produce is doubly impressive when you consider that their average age is no more than sixteen. Definitely a band to watch out for in 2001. Ollie Impossible, on the other hand, do nothing to justify their position at the top of the bill and simply are not as good as the other two bands. They are a lowest common denominator thrash punk band who find it amusing to write songs with profane titles which I would be forbidden to repeat here in the hope that they will offend someone. Even so, there rendition of Slade's infamous "Merry Christmas Everyone" was a classic in it's own right, if only for the benefit of hearing punked up. @tomika, IJay, Reuben, "Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" Christmas Party, West End Centre, Aldershot; 16/12/00 Local fanzine, "Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" have always been known for their excentricity, but this evenings "traditional" Christmas Party took the biscuit, or more litterally the mince pie. On arrival, gig goers were handed a satsuma and told it was "good for them". Added to this, mince pies littered the tables in the bar area, where a (totally inappropriate) dj was banging out drum and bass classics. This aside, the West End Centre is a good little venue, and the sound was nothing but excellent throughout the night. First up were indie stalwarts @tomika, playing their last gig ever. A band who recieved far more bad press than they ever deserved, they really did play this one like it was their final gig and they wanted to go out with a bang. Playing all the err... non-hits, they wowed an admittedly kindly disposed audience with probably the best performance of their career. Sounding like an early Manics and 60 Foot Dolls crossover, they finished with a triumphant rendition of their first single "Dead Flowers". Next up was acoustic reggae artist, IJay, who quite frankly was simply not that good (and I like reggae...), but still managed to please the crowd since most of his songs were about drug abuse, which was obviously what they wanted to hear. Top of the bill were local band Reuben, previously known as Angel. Sounding something like the bastard child of Placebo and Bush on heat, they showed themselves to be back on form despite the recent loss of their original drummer. All in all, a good, well organised night. by Reuben Thompson Dimestars USSU, 21/01/01 Kim Wylde clearly invented eighties pop/rock music. Always perhaps seen as a manufactured bandwagon jumper with the likes of Tiffany et al it is only now we realise she was in fact the original source. What could lead to such a conclusion? Well, Roxanne, lead singer in Dimestars, is the sister of 80’s pop “sensation” Kim Wylde. And Dimestars are so gloriously eighties it must be part of their genetic makeup. Strutting on in grrrl rock leather trousers, feisty boots, and her hair yanked up, she’s flanked by a “wacky” looking bassist wearing Ali-G yellow tint wrap shades, and a guitarist who could have dropped off the back of a Dum Dums tour bus. The sound they make conjures up memories of girls with big perms and boys driving their beat up cars around the streets of some insignificant city in America (the “Kids In America” no less). Single, XXX, has a chorus so big there’s hardly room for anything else whilst their cover of “Echo Beach” will probably be the track that takes them chart bound. Clearly a band in the 80’s styling their attempt at 70’s disco resembles nothing more than unfortunate pastiche. Although, as with many bands, you wonder if, in a seriously Y2K stylee, that may have been the point. After all, did you see the especially “wacky” grin the bassist had throughout? Andrew Thomas

The Indignity of a Dinner Plate (w.r.t. Uni students) I may be just a dinner plate that you replace as and when But while I'm here being used by you I shall make my own stand! The first day you laid eyes on me I knew you'd be no good You're just the type to come to me when your belly yearns for food, and after you've been satisfied you'd leave me your remaining goo! Do I look like I would eat the crap you always leave on me? Even if I could, I would not want your leftover gravy! Perhaps you think I would wash myself if left in the damn sink Maybe while others washed their filthy hands I could will the tap to water me clean!

You humans only know to laugh at the mistakes of others When you yourself may well be worse; that a pig would be your better! Then I heard you'd left for a month You heartless S.O.B.! You left me here with a pile of others all unwashed and smelly! I told the creatures that appeared on me these white and greenish beings; to travel quickly through the air and infest all your things. Such indignity have I not known of any other thing; than this injustice done to me by a pathetic human being! -bloocowIn solemn rememberance of dishes left unwashed. ;-p

And the goes on ...

beat

stealing stones is dangerous... catch some snatch saturday 27th Jan 9pm main union free entry

So, what’s in store for 2001? Well for open ers you will already have noticed Boy George will be here on the 2nd of February, along with the perennial favourite Mark Davis Rumour has it young Gareth will be joining the ranks that night too. We’ve got a cou ple of film nights lined up on Saturdays, beginning with Snatch on the 27th January. On the 10th we have the original teen slasher flick, so long banned by the censors, the Texas C h a i n s a w Massacre. One of last years most popular events returns for a rerun on the 2nd March, FNO Fetish Night Pt II, for rubber phreaks and BDSM fans. Hip-Hop and Funk is now a regular on the events menu, with Rio et al making an appear ance in the HRB most Thursdays as well as the regular slot in Chancellors on a Saturday night.

Live Sport on the big screen Saturday 27th January Sunday 28th 12pm Leeds Vs Liverpool (FA Cup) 4pm Gillingham Vs Chelsea (FA Cup) Matches Will Be Shown In the Main Union

14

Interview

25/01/01

Alive and Kicking
The Melody Maker is dead, Limp Bizkit are on daytime radio, schoolgirls have thrown away their Topshop mini-dresses and are stomping around in hooded tops and enormous combat pants. The alternative has become the mainstream and the mainstream the alternative. Whilst this may cause untold shrieks of anguish from the alternative hardcore it does you a lot of good if you happen to be making loud angry metal tinged punk. Before you were the kids everyone else stared at and called grungers. Now you are the epitome of cool and you can headline scuzzy London venues and support some of the biggest names in the alternative rock underground. You are 17, you have a debut single with Abuse’s “nu metal” offshoot Velocity, you are three quarters female, you are Sugarcoma. I meet Heidi (bass) and James (drums) in the dismal confines of the Minibar next to Highbury Garage. Claire (Guitar) isn’t here as she’s looking after Jessica (vocals) because as Heidi puts it, “…she’s experiencing a lot of pain, she’s having a bit of trouble”. The riggers of touring, a personal issue, or a stomach bug, I never find out but do get a chance to speak to her after the gig. So how did Sugarcoma go from being a band playing their local pubs to a group capable of supporting My Ruin with a single out on Velocity? Heidi, “we recorded this really bad demo and had this list of people to send it to. Abuse was at the top ‘cos it was in aphabetical order, Sid came to see us and it went from there”. The music press have been really interested in the band since the single release, what is it that makes you stand out as a band? Heidi, “it shouldn’t be because of it, but having three girls in the band probably helped, and being young as well. Girls like to see other girls playing in bands as well”, James, “we get loads of riot grrrl type at our gigs even though we’re not really that kind of music”. With the whole scene that’s grown up around bands like Limp Bizkit, Slipknot, and more saliently Kittie, where do you think you fit in? Heidi, “it bothers us that we get included in the scene ‘cos we’re not really nu-netal. You have to be certain things to be nu-metal, I mean, we’re not very downtuned…”, James cuts in, “and we don’t have a DJ and we don’t know Fred Durst!”, Heidi concludes, “we’re more, well people say we’re punk, nothing like Kittie”. Although Sugarcoma clearly do not want to be lumped in with the nu-metal scene a quick look at their audience confirms the look, with mini Slipknots and Dursts doing battle in the mosh pit. Many parents and social commentators like to write this all off as non-substantive “teenage angst”, the question is, are Sugarcoma 4real? Heidi smiles, “If anything when you’re young you have more, (dramatic voice) pain!”, James, “It’s about what hurts you personally, people are all different. If your parents died when you were two then your idea of pain may be different to that of someone who’s split up with their boyfriend”. Heidi continues, “the lyrics are a personal thing to Jessica, she writes them. But then again there’s one song based on a book she’s read so it’s not always like that. I didn’t know the lyrics to Milk Fed were about someone with an eating disorder for ages…”, James adds, “I didn’t realise until someone pointed them out, we don’t get involved in the lyrics really”. The lead track on Sugarcoma’s debut single, Blisters, has been sat in the Clickmusic MP3 chart for months and their website is one of the best around, what role can the ‘net play in the band? Heidi, “in the long run it might be that everyone gives their songs away as MP3s with site advertising paying for it, I like the fact people can download our songs cos then they sing along at gigs. I guess as far as the business side goes we distance ourselves from that, we leave it to other people”, James, “MP3s definitely help with albums cos I know loads of people who download a few tracks then decide if to buy them”. Back in the real world the band have been touring continuously. As support to My Ruin there must be some good stories. James, “Tarri B got pushed over in Nottingham and Jessica jumped in and picked her up, now Tarri is like ‘Jessica saved my life’ all the time!”, Heidi, “Roy who was in Soulfly is doing the sound for My Ruin and it’s like ‘whoah we’re not worthy’! We still get starstruck”. With that James and Heidi are called to soundcheck so after the gig, featuring stage divers and a fearsome metal duet between Jessica and Tarri B, I caught hold of Jessica after she’d signed cd covers pushed at her by a small riot of fans crowding around the backstage door. Lyrically Sugarcoma are not the happiest of people, discuss. “I write my lyrics to show how I’m feeling, you can write at any age, even if it’s shit! If someone wants to say something then they should say it, it doesn’t offend anyone, I wrote the lyrics for me, it’s not fake band stuff or anything. Two nights ago this girls collapsed at our gig because she was anorexic, you could see her ribs poking through as they carried her out. That’s the sort of thing that makes me write

something like Milk Fed. We’re not like Limp Bizkit, yes we’re entertaining but when I sing my words I mean and feel them. Our songs are not fake angry shit!”. Sugarcoma, entertaining, real, and a whole lot more than mere “teen angst”.

16

Story

25/01/01

B ALLON S ELLER
He couldn’t see beyond the tumbling, watching, waiting, crashed colliding. Watching was real. But he knew that everything was all right. The daylight blue, blood red, the hate and the love. Nothing was still tonight. Sitting on the bench opposite the tumble drier, Francis levitated his mind. You can beyond your eyes when you have time to kill. And Francis had time to kill. Somewhere in the confusion a solitary red tea towel was glamorising Francis’ dress sense. The tea towel was a troublemaker and Francis was trouble. His perfect clothes reflected his love for the abnormal. It was this that contradicted the rhythmic song in his head, the switch in balance of the unheard conversations and the peaceful humming of those machines. For the laundrette was peaceful. And everything, after all, was all right. Francis stared until he knew that it was time to finish staring. He knew that it would be time to leave when his palms began to sweat. Once again Francis was overcome by the feeling that he had been here before, he had felt these emotions, ignored these sounds. But Francis only felt that he had been here before because he had been here before. It was a Saturday after all. “Turn,” was the simplest way to describe the movement in front of Francis. Francis could picture himself thrown against those dead ends of life. He recognised the pattern of picking himself up, brushing away the stress of past experiences, only to be thrown against the wall again. And then, inevitably, the time would come when… The red patches would have been less obvious to any normal onlooker. But to Francis they were brighter than the silver pinnacles under the soles of his own shoes. Split wide open like a new beginning. His hands were beginning to sweat. It was time. Francis stood up and walked towards the tumble drier in front of him. He pushed the stop button, opened the door and began to unload the contents throwing each item of clothing into his washing bag. Once the bag was full, Francis slung it over his shoulder and walked towards the door of the laundrette. Once at the door, he stopped and waited politely as an attractive pensioner struggled with her shopping. He did not help her; it would have opened up the possibility for an interaction. Francis hated interactions; he hated polite conversation most especially. The pensioner’s dark eyes thanked Francis as she passed him. Francis smiled, smiling was easy. “Don’t say another word,” was the statement that met Francis as he stood on the pavement, attempting to light his cigarette. “It’s my life,” was the response. The phrases came from the two girls who were standing at the bus stop outside the laundrette. In Francis’ mind the argument had no meaning. In their minds the importance was overwhelming, it was something that he could identify. Finally the lighter in Francis’ hand produced a perfect flame. The cigarette was lit and Francis no longer had any need to listen to the solving of other people’s problems. “Tell me what you want to be.” Francis dreamed of quiet sounds, the people around him were cattle: Why were they not speechless? Speech was something that he liked to avoid. And walking down the street of his own small world, avoidance of all things inert was a necessity. Walking was an effort at times. “One foot in front of the other,” they had told him at school. How many muscles were involved? This was something else that Francis had learnt. And it was one of the many things

BY

C HRIS M ORTON
It no longer mattered to Francis that it was raining; the warmth felt nice. The water was squelching in his shoes, but it was nothing but noise. But as Francis began to recover, a sudden uneasiness returned (hunger? thirst? warmth? caffeine?). A sense of unreality was overwhelming. And then the questions returned. “Your coffee sir.” “Thank you.” “And what would you like to eat?” “What sandwiches do you have?” “Well, we have…” There were many sandwiches and Francis said the first recognisable flavour that the waitress spoke because it was only one that he could manage to remember. She was reading the recipes off a blackboard. “Um… Chicken and Mayonnaise?” Eye contact with the waitress was becoming increasingly difficult. Did this mean that she had a stronger character than Francis did? Had she stolen his confidence? The waitress walked away with the order while Francis stared through her body towards her friend at the counter. He noticed the eye contact between the two of them. He knew that he was the subject of their entertainment. But the same was true of everyone. Francis stared at the sugar packet in front of him. Did this contain an exact spoonfull of sugar? What was a spoon-full anyway? What type of spoon was used to measure this, a teaspoon maybe? But were all teaspoons the same? The businessman was talking to his daughter. He was telling her that Red-Hill was called Red-Hill because it was built on a red hill. A blue vase was on their table. It was holding an arrangement of flowers. Why were they there? And the tea cloth patterns: These brought back past memories of childhood, when Francis was taken to restaurants with his parents. Francis turned his attention to the in-door tree that grew across from the table that he was sitting at. It reminded him of a caged animal. Was it cruel, this restraining of a free life to an unhealthy environment? The waitress, with her sixties haircut returned to Francis’ table with the sandwich that he had ordered. She placed it in front of him, lay a knife and fork down on the table and told him to enjoy his meal. Francis had been unaware that it was a meal. Was a knife and fork necessary for a sandwich? Was this the policy? And what was this salad on the side of the plate that nobody ate? But some people ate it, surely. Maybe it was for a want of better health. Francis didn’t like salad – lack of taste, lack of anything! Was it consumed to get one’s moneys worth, and in this way did it give a satisfaction in a way not intended? Francis decided to avoid these questions by concentrating on the present task of consuming the Chicken and Mayonnaise sandwich in front of him. Sometimes though, it was difficult to stop thinking. Just as Francis finished his sandwich, the coffee ran out. But there was still some milk left. Francis drank this because he was thirsty. If he had run out of milk, but not coffee, would he have been able to ask for more milk? Was the milk free? Francis was going mad. He had noticed the two balloons that were tied to the businessman’s table. Would he rather be a businessman or a balloon-seller? Would he rather have a daughter or a wife? Would he ever buy a sweet shop? All Francis wanted to do was buy an ice-cream van and drive around in the rain selling ice-creams to those people who were brave enough to…

that he had forgotten. What was the point in learning something that you were soon to forget? “What I do for myself, I understand thoroughly,” was the best lesson in education. But Francis still did not understand walking. Running was different. Francis could understand running: There was always something to run from. Francis imagined himself running while the world moved slowly passed him. If he had been running, then the world would have been a bigger place. If the world had been a bigger place then there would have been even more mess. But Francis was walking, and when you walk the world is always a big place. And in a big place there is time to think. Thinking while you are walking is always dangerous. There is too much silence, and too much time to think about the things that you do not wish to think about. Like angels and devils. Francis always knew what he liked to think: Destruction. Honesty was too powerful and escape was too seductive. Francis was oblivious to all that he saw. All that he saw was nothing, because nothing was there to see. The unfound was on his mind. The past, present and future already existed. Forgetting to breathe was a simple task really, all that air, the transfusion passing through him while he continued along the path obliviously. He didn’t like to think about dinner, because dinner was effort. And loneliness: loneliness was painful. Working was a task, too much of a task even. But working was also an occupation, something to occupy the mind and provide a distraction from fearful thoughts. The thoughts were governed by his state of mind, a state of mind that was becoming increasingly significant to his situation. On his last dance Francis would release all the tension. He would survive because of his intelligence. Intelligence was something that could be nurtured. But also, he knew, intelligence was luck, and luck was what you were born with, born to. Crusts and curly hair was a popular thought. Did crusts really make your hair curly? What if you wanted to have curly hair? Would this mean a diet of crusts? Had Francis’ Mum cut the crusts off her cucumber sandwiches for a reason? Francis was told never to run down the stairs when he was a child. He was told that if he ran too fast then he would break his legs. Sometimes stairs frightened Francis. Francis remembered sitting on the bottom of the stairs of his old house, when he was a child, frantically tying his shoe-laces together, anticipating the snow-filled streets of the outside world. He remembered the sweet that he was eating, chocolate money, the sort that was always given to you at Christmas. This was the day when Francis came closest to his maker. As Francis remembered the choking, and the pain in his back and on his sides it brought a smile to his face. It was a fond memory, that memory of helplessness. Even if it is still in your innocence, you often remember the pain. Though it is still so confusing, the effects of those voices are often there to remind you. And then the memories are boxed up and shelved, there for the possibility of later use. Emotions for us are nothing but incomplete. They are there to ramble, proceed, traverse and progress. Take a trip to the grave. Maybe that is the way that it is supposed to be. That place is in the clouds. At times you have seen those days so enjoyed and you will once again understand. Those visions smell so strong (they take you back). Time will tell he supposes…

…’Till one day there is nothing more to hide from. Just one day in a hundred, you remember. Those photographs to ease the memory. The things you make to aid the imagination, but also to change the reality. The lie is there to make it better. Francis remembered the photograph that his Dad took from the bedroom window. Where they were all arguing. He was sitting on his old Grifter; the others all had BMX’s. He could only half remember the trouble they used to have, the laughable discussions were laughable to the adults, but to them they were of greater significance: their future was at stake. When Francis was in a good mood he remembered the bike races, climbing trees in the woods, the picnic in the bomb shelter, those walks around the golf course. Star Wars toys, Action man, the cars that were revved up for speed. The building sites and the videos about disasters in these situations when he was at school. When Francis was in a bad mood he remembered the fighting, the dominance, the feeling that he was worse off than anyone else. The times when he was locked in his room. Francis remembered looking out of the window of his childhood bedroom. He was looking at the older kids; they were so free. As always they were playing out in the street ‘till late. He was overcome with jealousy. He no longer wanted to be himself. This was his one wish. It was raining. The world was changing. In a metamorphosis of emotion the rain changed everything. One more time the promises of a better world were shattered by the natural progression. There was one perfect day that had always been remembered in Francis’ mind. He had been only twelve years old. He never used to talk much to the girl next door, but somehow on that occasion they had been together. Girls were silly but Francis was often bored. The day had been perfect, the sun had shone. They had been given a picnic, and a swim. That day would never have happened if it had been raining. The memory would not be there. Now Francis slept on the floor. And he thought of these things. Those days of old would be there to lie beside him. In the rain people are more likely to overtake you when you are walking. The pedestrians were and are like traffic. To escape from the rain a restaurant was needed. Francis could feel the eyes of each customer looking straight through him. The forlorn dignitary sheltering from the outside world. His confusion was more than obvious. The oddness and the entertainment of his situation filled all of their minds. With great difficulty, Francis managed to order a coffee and find a table for himself. Francis had nothing to read, so he concentrated on the menu. It was better to look down and avoid any eye contact. But every now and again Francis would look up because he needed to be aware, and slightly on the defensive. A glance to the left told Francis that the world was still immersed in water. A glance to the right told Francis that the waitress had still failed to come over. Francis was waiting. The old man in the corner was sitting by himself as well. Francis wondered what he was thinking. The businessman at the centre of the café was ordering squash for his daughter. Francis wondered whether it was a business lunch. “Orange, lemon, lime? No?” Now was the time to negotiate. “How about orange milk shake? Strawberry, banana, vanilla?” “Thank you, very much.”

25/01/01

Websites & OFU

17

WebSites Sex, Lies....... ....& The Camberwell Carrot
OH LORDY, but why must I be a thief? And can it be wrong to steal from people who don't know what they have? Such deep philosophical questions are ones wholly evaded by this week's OFU film, "Entrapment". Starring Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Douglas, not to mention the world-famous Ving Rhames, "Entrapment" boasts a top-rate cast, tons of style, and all the blissful silliness of a classic heist film. Catherine Zeta-Douglas plays the world's most voluptuous insurance investigator, investigating the theft of a Rembrandt when she encounters charismatic chief-suspect, Robert "Mac" MacDougal. "Mac" quickly ensnares her in typical cad fashion, and the two repair to his Scottish castle to plot the theft of a rare mask from an English museum. Yet the plotting doesn't end there... "Entrapment" is the kind of film Barry Norman would describe witheringly as a "delicious romp", probably while polishing his nails on his cardigan. Fact remains, however, that "Entrapment" is a film with tons of attitude, sex appeal, and a thrillingly daft plot, helped along by the charm of Zeta-Douglas and Connery. The tension between the two characters is realised in grand fashion by the two leads, and even cheesy lines like "Never trust a naked woman," do little to dispel it, even if one does suddenly start searching the screen to see where Roger Moore is hiding. OFU shall be showing "Entrapment" at 8pm on Sunday the 18th of January, in Lecture Theatre G. University Arts Cinema this week shall be showing a modern classic. There is simply no other way to describe the cavalcade of debauchery, insanity and terror that "Withnail And I" so vividly brings before our eyes. In "Withnail", the two titular characters are unemployed scumbag thespians (Richard E Grant and Paul McGann), half-heartedly battling addictions to various substances and

You like games? Well there are some good online games around but to try and keep things short this week I'll review the sites I've found with JAVA games and next week I'll look at all the sites out there with free shockwave based games. OK just a slight plug but try going here for a few nice JAVA games like Asteroids and Tailgunner…I won't review the site coz a) it's on geocities, and b) it's one of mine ;o) http://www.geocities.com/thera_r http://www.eyeone.no Register for free and then just have a look round, there's a lot more here than just games but as it's games we're looking at I have to say this has a slightly smaller selection than some of the other sites but they are good, and fast, and easy to get to…just one small snag the invaders game isn't always up and running, they fix it, it breaks, they fix it, it breaks, they fix it…. 9/10 http://www.BrainBlitz.com Again a lot more than just games, in fact it's really just a great spring board to find the games you want to play no matter what format they come in. It's well laid out, easy to follow and has a nice simple nav tool if you want to look around the site more. I also have to say it has more than one version of Asteroids listed…but it doesn't tell you what the games run on you just have to click and find out. 8/10 http://www.brackeen.com/home/scared This is an amazing JAVA game, a doom clone with a difference, only a few problems with them making it in JAVA, only one type of weapon and one type of bad guy, but if that doesn't bother you and you enjoy walking around the halls shooting people this should be just the thing for you. Just click on the play more games link and find some other goodies this guy has here, all I can say is way to go Dave…9/10 http://www.gamehacker.com/georgerh Some nice games here, the darts game is annoying, I guess you get used to it…the pool game is ok a bit tedious at times but fun anyway and the game of bully is good once you get going, especially if you move up the levels. Only a few games but I did like bully…6/10 http://www.vandaveer.com Not exactly the best layout but has some great JAVA games…try games like cannon, bunny blaster, pinball…just look through the arcade plenty of games to suit anyone's taste. I recommend this site to anyone with time on their hands, which basically means I shouldn't even be trying these out there's too many. 8/10 Final thoughts…well just have a look round for yourselves…I'm pleased to say that at least two of the games I placed on my site I didn't find anywhere else. Hours of free online gaming fun is so easy to get to…but perhaps best not to get caught using them on the university computers… “due to technical faults ie servers crashing we were not able to obtain any pictures of these websites” - ed

Entrapment above all, not doing any work. Finally succumbing to The Fear one fateful morning, they pile into an antique and decidedly dodgy Jag and head for the hills, hoping to shack up with the redoubtable Uncle Monty (Richard Griffiths). In mood and atmosphere, "Withnail" straddles a razor's edge between drunken euphoria and sobered despair, having the courage and honesty to show us both sides of the characters' mottled existence. For this, it seems all the more a magnificent film. Costing next-to-nothing to make, the aftershock of "Withnail" was extraordinary, making Richard E Grant a star overnight and reaping considerable dividends for its other leads, particularly Ralph Brown. Writer/director Bruce Robinson went on to suffer a string of well-made flops, including another cult classic, the darkhorror serial killer film, Jennifer 8, bowlderized by its US studio and stealthily released to die a quiet death. Paul McGann went on to be a Doctor Who. For a little while. "Withnail" retains its classic status and cult following after fourteen years for two reasons - one, people just /cannot/ stop quoting lines from it; and secondly, because it's utterly magnificent and perfect in every way. University Arts Cinema shall be showing "Withnail & I" at 8pm on Wednesday the 31st, in Lecture Theatre G. James Dibley

25/01/01

Adverts

19

Do you know someone who wants to be flanned?
email: phantom_flinger@hotmail.com

20

Rag

25/01/01

RAG Human Auction

Jacqui and Michelle look to see who their master will be Adam Jakeway caught with his trousers down Monday saw the first night of rag week, and as tradition dictates, the Slave Auction. MacKenzie is shocked that somebody is actually buying him

Over 150 people turned up to bid for about 15 slaves. The victourious bidders ended up forking out between £3 for James Buller (who had to wear his underwear outside his trousers) and £37.50 for Socket. Somewhere in the middle of that was Adam Jakeway who originally went for £15 only for A.J. to walk on stage and re-open the bidding with AJ bagging Adam for £25 and condemming him to ‘total humiliation’. Despite the Production Editor managing to get out of it, bf was well represented with James (£3), ed Kev (£8), dep ed Luke (£15) and marketing team Ali and Ellen (£25). Pres Fi went for £12.50 and has to wash Shaggy’s clothes (which hasn’t been washed for over a month) and Shaggy himself went for £10 with the victor getting to shave his hair and beard. Lucy went for £15 and Susi went for £21 after her boyfriend tried to place a telephone bid, but didn’t think she was worth more than £21. Overall, about £300 was raised for the RAG charities on a night when more people became aquainted with the Phantom Flinger. Hair today, gone tomorrow Jo gets her come-upance

Kev doing his Marilyn Manson impression

When Dan’s old enough, he might need all that foam to shave

The Phantom Flinger
Hey there, it’s your ever-loving Phantom again. Sorry I couldn’t make it to the Auction on Monday but I sent on of my assistants and boy was he a busy bee. As you can see from the photos, he got six people in all. First up was the ever-lovely Jo Noblet, over a dozen people wanted her splatted, what have you done to deserve it Jo? Or is it just a bunch of admirers wanting to lick the cream off of you!! Next was the sex-God that is Baby Dan from UniSport, he wasn’t meant to get flanned, my assistant was just a bit too eager and made up too many pies, sorry Dan, I reckon you’re too good looking to get done. Third was a real deserving case, Andy Blair, now Blairy has committed many crimes against humanity, as anybody who has heard him sing will testify (only joking babe), also he managed to get away scott-free during his year as a sabb, so better late than never. Next was another random one, Pete Chambers, who just happened to be sitting in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never mind though it is Rag Week after all. Last but by no means least was the double hit of the gorgeous sailor boy, Ben Sidders, and the evening’s host Paul Hobra. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite go to plan, Ben was hit but Paul managed to overpower my assistant and got away with it. Oh, well you win some, you lose some.There is one problem thought Ben, the photos taken of you getting got are not usable, so I might have to get you myself, so that we can put it in bf. Before I go, I would like to make it clear that I will personally splat the deputy editor if he boasts once more that he was sold for more than the rest of the male bf slaves put together. Do you wanna see somebody splatted, well drop me a line at phantom_flinger@hotmail.com and remember, the next flan could have your name on it.

Some cruel people laughing at Dan

Blairy in all his glory Random Pete gets Splatted

25/01/01

Life, Gossip, & the Universe

21
LIFE AFTER
THE

Big Sister
Well Christmas seemed to have its ups and downs, didn’t it? We had a complaint from the house-keeper from Cathedral Court.....how much noise do you need to make? Apparently the cleaner was mopping the floor to the sighs of ecstasy. I suppose every court has their fair share of screamers but honestly Guildford Court girl, can’t you keep the noise down ‘cos it sounds like he just stands to attention all the time. These final year chemists can’t control themselves can they. You should be ashamed of yourselves, it sounds like your doing a biology degree rather than a chemistry one! Stag Hill have also seen their fair share of comings and goings. It’s great fun watching those girls and boys climb up the fire escapes and sneak into the rooms above. You know who you are! The little gossips have been out and about and what a story they came up with. Last semester chats at the bar were overheard and there are some girls out there (the ones with the pleated hair) who don’t like giving blow jobs because all the hairs get stuck in their mouth. Perhaps you’ve been giving them to the wrong boys!! Keeping campus boys satisfied is by no means easy. Where did that slippery diva Asp go? It seems she has disappeared off the face of the earth in a Pied Piper fashion. Come back Asp we need you!! Friday night proved itself to be fruitful of gossip, as usual. Blondie midwife A seemed to receive a LOT of attention, and most of it unwanted. So remember lads you can look, but you can’t always touch. We’ll look forward to the updates from the nursing birthday party this week. Keep us informed. On a serious note, GIRLS, if you have a boyfriend and decide you fancy someone else’s....boyfriend that is, keep your hands to yourself. We have to do our duty to the community and report such crimes, so just remember you have been warned or we will try to set the phantom flinger on you. Right that’s your lot, enjoy and any more titbits can be posted to the usual address. Gorgeous_babe69@hotmail.com. Boa, The missing Asp and Tinky Winky. (ed: if you would like us to set the Phantom flinger on Boa and Asp please let us know)

WOMB
by Rich W I’ve been watching a lot of that flashy box-thing that sits in the corner of the lounge recently. You know, the one that has people trapped inside it, but they don’t seem to mind so they just carry on with what they were doing, unaware that I’m watching them. Anyway, on this peculiar contraption, there is this thing called “The Box” - it’s kind of like music television, but you can choose what songs you want to come on next, and so it’s got this slogan that goes “Smash Hits You Control”. It’s very addictive. Anyhow, to choose a song, you look for its code, which comes up at the bottom of the screen and then phone for that number: it’s really quite simple. The only problem is that sometimes, the entire title of the song won’t fit on the screen, so there’s that little abbreviatory “...” thing. For example, if you wanted to hear Savage Garden’s ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’, it would come up like this: Savage Garden - “Truly, Madly...” (At this point I’d like to mention that should anyone reading this column want to phone up for a Savage Garden single, then can I ask them to stop reading; not because my opinion as to Savage Garden’s credibility as any kind of musical act might offend them, but also because I’d rather not have fans who like and admire that ‘band’ liking what I write - the slightly tenuous possibility of similarity by association is too much).

Personals
*Not bad at this matchmaking lark am I. *Libby, why wont you answer me, love Drew. *See Mr. Sidders, don’t mess with the best *Anyone fancy a lovebite? *Who is the Phantom Flinger??????? *Wap fone tastic *Are you RUSSIAN? If you would be willing to answer a short ques*Bloody Phantom Flinger *Poncy Git *GINGER IS GREAT!!! tionnaire about the Russsian language then please contact me, Rachel, on 01483 569053. It will help me out a lot - thanks! *ohhhh! SPARKLE SPARKLE *DAVE HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR PILLOW RECENTLY

So, all of this dot-dot-dot business is fine, but occasionally, there are the odd song titles I’m not too sure of, and it is these that I would like to share with you, if that’s ok (not that you have much choice) - would someone write in and correct me if I’m wrong? Ronan Keating - “The Way You Make... fajhitas, perhaps? Maybe he means that lovely cheese sauce I put with my pasta? Or possibly he likes the way I make my scrambled eggs? I don’t know. Bon Jovi - “Thank you for... letting my career go on this long even though I persevere in having really bad haircuts and wearing leather that a man my age just shouldn’t be wearing? Or for letting Aerosmith fade away in a cloud of drug and alcohol abuse making everyone think we’re the only people left who can really rock? Whitney & Enrique - “Could I... have my ball back please? I kicked it over the fence by accident and my mum will be really upset if I don’t get it back. Bob the Builder - “Can We Fix... it for this old tv celebrity who runs in marathons and smokes cigars to have his fame back and become a star again? Or possibly “Can We Fix...all of the railway lines that still need mending in time for Railtrack to avoid more hefty pay-outs to aggrieved commuters? Britney Spears - “Ooops I... forgot to keep my appointment at the laser eye surgery clinic and so will have to continue living with this lazy eye I’ve got? Or, more probably, “Ooops I...have realized the effects I was having on the male population of the world and so have decided to shed my innocent virgin-like image and will instead concentrate on my new chosen profession: Britney Baps- the porn star. Christina Aguilera -“Come on... (ermm, best not say. She may mean it in a Gary Glitter, “come on, come on” chanting “be in my gang” sense. Then again, she may mean it in the other Gary Glitter sense, so we’ll leave this one, I think) Baha Men -“Who Let the Dogs... into the Union? (I personally blame Security) Jennifer Lopez - “Love Don’t... mean you can shoot some rapper and expect everything to be alright just because he comes from a different side to you? Or maybe it doesn’t mean you can shake yo’ ass like a momma just ‘cus you have the Latin spirit and a puffa jacket to match? I’d better stop here, but feel free to have a look yourself - it really does pass the time when you have nothing better to do. (Actually, it passes the time when you do have things to do as well, but don’t tell anyone I said that). A quick hello to Police Officers Leaving Lovely York, by the way.

3 Reasons to come to Cricket Training on Sunday
1) You can watch trampolining totty perform 2) You can legally injure union security 3) What else do you do early Sunday evenings?

Cricket Training: Sundays 5:30 - 7:30pm Unisport
Contact Mike (ma91mp) or put a note in the pigeon hole for more details

22
Dr Russ
Dear Russ Why do some employers use tests and what advice can you give me to improve my performance? Dear Kate Employers use tests because they have found that interviews don’t always provide them with all the information they need about a candidate. For example, if they want an up to date measure of how good you are at reasoning with numbers, a test provides a more accurate measurement than a question during an interview - however persuasive your answer! There are basically two types of test. The first sort are designed to measure different aspects of your personality such as your sociability or your assertiveness. They are not usually timed and there are no right answers. It is best to answer these as honestly as you can rather than by trying to give answers which you think the employer wants you to give. The other kinds of test are timed. They are known as aptitude tests and are used to measure your ability in some area. For example, how good are you at working with figures, can you recognise patterns, are you good at reasoning with words, and so on. The key to doing well is to take full

Lifestyle

25/01/01

advantage of the preparation time. When the instructions are read out, make quite sure you understand what you are asked to do. Make the most of this opportunity to ask questions while you can. Once the test starts it is out of the question! You’ll have practice examples to try. Don’t worry about holding everyone up if you find these difficult. It is vital you get the gist of what is required before the real questions start. Thereafter, try to work - quickly and accurately. Some tests start easily and lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t be fooled! They often get more difficult as the test proceeds and you realise you don’t have as much time as you thought. Finally, try to stay calm even if you think you’ve done badly. Tests only form part of the selection process and you can aim to improve your overall performance through doing well in other exercises. Russ Clark Careers Service PS We run Practice Aptitude Tests throughout the semester. Please sign up in Careers if you wish to attend. For more information on other events, please look at our website at www.surrey.ac.uk/Undergrad/Careers/index .html

MONEY MATTERS TOP TIPS WANTED
So far this semester the finance team in the Student Advice and Information service have seen about 200 students who have asked for advice and help. Does this mean that there are several thousand of you out there who are managing your money really well? If managing your money is no problem to you, you must have dreamed up some good money saving ideas. PLEASE SHARE THEM WITH EVERYONE e-mail us on student-advice@surrey.ac.uk and we will arrange to publish the printable ones! Student Advice and Information Service, (SAIS) Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court,

AGM’s
OFU OFU Tues 30th January Tues 30th January 6pm LTH 6pm LTH Womens Rugby Womens Rugby 30th January 30th January 6.30pm, Union 6.30pm, Union Stage Crew Stage Crew Monday11th February 2001 Monday11th February 2001 6pm Helen Rose Bar 6pm Helen Rose Bar EGM’s EGM’s Golf Club Golf Club To elect a new commitee To elect a new commitee Tuesday Jan 30th Tuesday Jan 30th 6pm, Main Union 6pm, Main Union Hockey Hockey Tuesday 6th February Tuesday 6th February 6pm Varsity 6pm Varsity Chem Eng Soc Chem Eng Soc Wednesday 7th Feb Wednesday 7th Feb 1pm 43BC02 1pm 43BC02 Sailing Club Sailing Club Monday/Tuesday (week 4 Monday/Tuesday (week 4 tbc) tbc) LTA Time TBC LTA Time TBC

Tuesday 30th January 1pm Union Union Exec Committee Union Exec Committee Thursday 8th February 5pm GMR

Notices
Friday 8th December Friday 8th December The Union Cash Desk will be open between 11.00am - 1.00pm First Aid Course First Aid Course Weekends of 3rd February Weekends of 3rd February and and 10th February 2001. 10th February 2001. Cost approx. £30 Cost approx. £30 Contact Jo (nm81jp) for Contact Jo (nm81jp) for details details The Stag Hill Archers GM The Stag Hill Archers GM will take place Saturday will take place Saturday 10th Febuary, 10.30am, TB 10th Febuary, 10.30am, TB 12B 12B KENWOOD STEREO KENWOOD STEREO for sale. for sale. Excellent condition car Excellent condition car stereo (Kenwood KRCstereo (Kenwood 151LA) featuring cassette 151LA) featuring cassette player, FM/MW/LW radio player, FM/MW/LW radio with 18 pre-sets, removwith 18 pre-sets, removable front panel, "loud" able front panel, "loud" function, and built-in 4 function, and built-in 4 channel amp (20Wx4). channel amp (20Wx4). Nice looking. Works as Nice looking. Works as new. Original instruction new. Original instruction manual. £55 ono. Tel: manual. £55 ono. Tel: 52542. 52542.

Notice from Information Services
Questionnaire: How can the University's computing facilities be improved? University Computing Services is carrying out its first major survey to find out how satisfied Undergraduate and Taught Postgraduate students are with current computing services and facilities and what should be done to improve them. Student focus groups have already identified some of the key issues and this is your opportunity to tell us your priorities. The questionnaire will be live on the web from Monday 22 January. Paper copies will also be available for those who might have difficulty accessing the web. Everyone who completes the questionnaire may have their name entered into a prize draw worth £50 of gift vouchers. So, Undergraduates and Taught Postgraduates, make your views known to help shape University Computing Services planning and policy making and to improve computing facilities. Sue Telfer Service Quality Librarian Information Services

Meetings
Ethical & Environmental Ethical & Environmental Monday 29th January Monday 29th January 5pm GMR 5pm GMR Student Council Student Council

25/01/01

Surrey Pride

23

UniSPORT News
Leap into the Millennium Yes ‘free’ week is over but there are still many opportunities for you to join in the exercise/dance and sports programme which compliments the 47 active sports and dance clubs at Surrey. Places available for:Tai Chi (Wednesday Evenings) Squash Beginners & Improvers (Wednesday Afternoon) Golf (Thursday Evening) Body Max (Monday evenings or Thursday Lunchtime) Dry Skiing (Monday Evenings) Please register at the Sports Centre to secure a place on these 5 or 10 week courses. Exercise & Dance Classes Drop in Free (UniSPORT Card) for any class from TKO (Total Knockout), Legs, Bums & Tums; Aerobics; Tone to the Bone; Circuit Workouts or simply Stretch! Lunchtime Classes – 1pm Monday Tone to the Bone Tuesday Nordic Walking (meet at Senate) Tuesday TKO Wednesday Tone to the Bone Thursday Legs, Bums & Tums Thursday Body Max Friday Tone to the Bone Community Sports Leadership Award Please contact ( HYPERLINK “mailto:s.edie@surrey.ac.uk” s.edie@surrey.ac.uk or ext. 3917) if you would like to participate in this 9 module course taking place on Wednesday evenings from the 7th February. Intramural Sports Wednesday Lunchtimes and Wednesday & Sunday Evenings Contact your departmental Sports Rep to play Frisbee, pop lacrosse, racket ball, indoor cricket, netball, soccer, touch rugby and badminton. All starts from Monday 29th January Fat Busters Want to lose some pounds after the Christmas Season? If so Fat Busters is for you! Wednesday 1-2pm at the Sports Centre. Students £5 for UniSPORT Card holders or £7.50 £10/£12.50 for staff. Nutritionist offers advice in friendly session plus exercise that is low impact. See you soon.

Sports Preview
Cricket
Weather permitting, England are likely to beat Pakistan in the 2 test series. They will, though, no doubt struggle to beat what has been descirbed as the greatest Australian Test Team of all time. Domestically, Surrey are favourites for every single competition. However central contracts could cost them Stewart, Thorpe and possibly Tudor and Ward. The depleated squad might give Lancashire or Yorkshire a chance. take the overall lead at the end of the year.

Football
With Man. Utd virtually having won their umpteenth Premiership on the trot, the battle will be for second place. Arsenal are rightly favourites but it would be stupid to completely discount a rejouvinated Liverpool. At the other end, Bradford and two from Coventry, Man. City, and Derby are likely to be for the drop. The year ends in a 1 so Spurs are among the favourites for the FA Cup but Man Utd appear to be taking it very seriosuly (having already booked a hotel for the final week) and will be the team to beat. On the internationals front, whether England qualify will a lot on whether the new manager will go with the old guard or the ‘kids’. Either way though, they face a tough test to qualify for the Euro Champs

will wear my surfing gear to the union the following week’. Their only test will be if they get the Grand Slam, with the ever improving Ireland their main threat. The British Lions against South Africa should be a fascinating affair with both teams playing great attacking rugby. I fancy the Lions to snatch iit 2-1. Domestically, Northampton will almost certainly win the league, with Wasps the most likely runnerup.

Cycling
David Millar should continue the British tradition started by Chris Boardman of winning the Prologue of The Tour de France and holding onto yellow for a few days. The only real danger will come from Lance Armstrong who will win overall again, through a combination of nearly unbeatable time trialing, intelligent pack placement and completely devistating climbing. The question will be, by how much will he win and will he get the Giro as well. Track honours should be shared amoungst the British, Germans and French. with Germany likely to

Tennis
Despite very good showings over the last month, I would be shocked if either Tim Henman or Greg Rudeski win Wimbledon (or any other major for that matter) over the next 12 months. That said, if they are both fit, GB have a great chance of getting back into the top flight of the Davis Cup. Although, it should be interesting as to whether it is Rudeski or Arvind Parmar that line up with Henamn in the doubles, given the latest spat between the two ‘greats’. by Chops and Lovebite

Rugby Union
Here is a statement, ‘I, Dave ‘Chops’ Chapman, do herby declare that if England do not win the six-nations championship, I

SURREY PRIDE
S KI C LUB T OUR - I N
LARGE Function: adjective Inflected Form(s): larg·er; larg·est Etymology: Middle English, from Latin largus Date: 12th century Meaning: Exceeding most other things of like kind especially in quantity or size. Example: The 127 people, 3 coaches, £44,715 UniS Ski Club Tour to Alpe d’Huez. The White Stuff With the greatest number of beginners ever on the tour the wide open green (read easy) runs were a welcome sight. However, those of us who ventured up to the top of the mountain, some 3200m in the clouds, were greeted with a different sight. Perhaps abseiling ropes would have aided progress on ‘The Tunnel’? Did you do any of it on your skis Matt? Thursdays Valley Rally saw skiing, snowboarding, blading, monoskiing and even 3 legged skiing all both forwards and backwards. Competitors started the rally in 70’s and Hawian attire. But many I don’t wanna Rock DJ. We are unable to show the end of the picture.... soon realised how bad they looked and decided nudity was a better option. Are you sure it was just the cold Wacker? The less said about the eggs at the last checkpoint the better. Apres Ski For most, ‘large’ would be better used to describe the evenings entertainment. Some of the skiing masses! O’Sharkies, Crowded House, Underground, Roadhouse and the pick of the bunch: Smithy’s. Indeed I would rate Smithy’s 10 shots of flavoured Vodka for 100Fr with the invention of the lightbulb. Ah yes, fond memories. Or not as the case may be, hey Silver? Bars were invariably followed by Alpe d’Huez’s answer to Cindy’s; Igloo. Igloo was invariably followed Le Kebab. Still confused by the real lamb meat Bungle? Now who’s up for a spot of ice skating? Tedddddyyyyyy…. Sound interesting? This Easter the Ski Club will be joining 2,500+ students from across Britain in Saalbach, Austria. Call Dave on 0795 107 4570 ASAP if you’d like to join us. Finally a special THANK YOU to Rebecca Jackson for making the tour possible. Tigger Nb. The “dead sexy” caption is not mine - Chops (Sports Ed) Proof that alcohol only makes you think “you’re dead sexy.”

A WORD ...

S PORTS P ROFILE : A RCHERY
Warm up…
Name & age: Nadia Khan, 20+ Nickname: Schnarff Best feature: My draw-length What you look for in a man or women: Dependability Availability: Spoken for

110%…
Favourite position (this question applies to relevent sports only – no innuendo intended honestly): Open stance Best thing about your sport: It can be taken up at any age Worst thing about your sport: (Deputy Editors) Shattering expensive arrows. Best single moment in your sporting life: Breaking my personal best while suffering from the flu. Ultimate sporting dream: To see the Stag Hill Archers win the BUSA Nationals Worst injury: Bruised arm when I forgot to put my bracer on! Sporting idol: Steve Redgrave. Most embarassing sporting moment: Dropping an exit barrier onto someone elses bow-stand… Oooops!! Tip: Always aim at the target. Hidden aspects to your sport: Improves ones night-vision, as you may very well be looking for arrows that have missed the target as the sun goes down.

Cool down…
Worst fear: Shooting myself in the foot. Chancellors or Roots: Roots You in three words: Sincere, dedicated, stubborn

M OUNTAIN WALKING On Saturday a hardy bunch of Mountain Walking Club members met up early in the morning to walk off some of the excess Christmas pounds. Due to some technical difficulties, the walk that was originally planned could not take place, however an alternate route through Guildford, Artington and Peasmarsh proved successful. A new nickname was developed for Evan, "The Ice-Man" despite his protests, due to his predilection for 'testing out' the ice on most of the frozen puddles and ponds we came across. However, he has yet to beat Mike's feat of actually falling in whilst testing the ice!

BACK FOR MORE

(Lake District trip Jan 2000) It was nice to see a new member, Tobi, joining us on such a cold morning. If anyone else is interested, our meetings are on Tuesday lunchtime, 1pm in the Teaching Block foyer. Next weekend we are going down to Dorset to sample the countryside and coastline. If you wish to join us please contact Maddie or Mike at mountainwalking@surrey.ac.uk. MM

S PORTING V ERNACULAR
The first of a possible two reports on the Ski Club Tour that took place in the last week of the holidays. Wisking 127 people off to Alpe d’Huez takes quite some doing so thumbs up to all involved. I will die a happy man if I can manage to get the Surf Clubs “Tropical Surf Trips” to be any where near as popular. Its also good to have received another couple of Sports Profiles. Thanks to Archery this week, its great to be able to feature a new club (unless we get any new clubs we will be repeating sports). If possible, include a photo or pop into the office where we can get one done. Keep them coming folks. Remeber if you can get a couple together from the same club we will run thm together and anounce the winner of the coveted Sports Showdown title. Chops Almost forgot, the cricket club have started up again, nets are on Sundays 5:30pm till 7:30pm in Unisport. Contact Mike (ma91mp) or Ben Mac for more details.