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30 October 2003
Published by the USSU
Communications Office
issue number 1066



Phil Howard and Sarah A brang spangly new Quote COMMENT | Neil Christie wonders what
Butterworth report back Quiz and photo teaser from Ben women really want | page 5
on the National Demo, Berryman, Dave Tucker and HALLOWEEN | Barearts is full of a distinctly
including a groovy photo Matt Adams, provide some Halloween-y flavour | pages 16-18
collage by Pete Nichols. diverting entertainment. SPORT | Tim Goodman interviews cricket
Collage | page 7 Interactive| page 20 maestro, Alec Stewart | page 23

Surrey Students Demonstrate

USSU join 31,000 students from around the country to demonstrate in London against the proposed top up fees

BY PHIL HOWARD & SARAH BUTTERWORTH On Sunday night the national news was full could be a move toward tuition fees in students demonstrating | photo: chris hunter
of coverage of the demonstration, and those Scotland as well.
ON SUNDAY, STUDENTS from the University of watching Sky News might have caught a Ms Telford is looking to persuade MPs
Surrey joined an estimated 31,000 students glimpse of some familiar faces from USSU. to oppose top-up fees in Parliament, and
marched through central London, bringing The march comes after some research had this advice in her campaign blog:
it to a standstill. The “biggest student published by the NUS suggested that 85% “The government would be better simply
demonstration for decades” produced of year 10 students who were likely to conceding they have got it wrong with top-
over three times the number of protestors attend university would change their minds up fees, scrap the idea and save themselves
predicted by the Met police, according to if they faces debts of over £20,000 upon the embarrassment of a prolonged fight in
figures from the coordinators, NUS. The graduation. This is the latest of many studies the Commons.”
atmosphere was electric, with chants and which suggest that the public perception She remarked on Sunday: “It makes me
whistles filling the air and photographers of increased fees may well reverse the more optimistic that we can beat the top-up
lining the streets. government’s intention to widen access and fees plan. Students are getting involved in
The students marched from Malet Street to increase participation. their thousands and the government should
Trafalgar Square for the rally, with speakers Original predictions from the Metropolitan start listening.”
such as Frank Dobson, who is now a vocal Police put numbers at around 10,000 For more on the Demonstration see
critic of tuition fees. One student told the protestors, whereas NUS figures put the barefacts opinion on page 4, and the collage
Guardian that “there are those of us who attendance on the day at around 31,000, of photographs from the event on page 7.
want to do something, but we get money including some 600 from Scotland. The fear Keep your eyes open for more ways in
taken off us all the time”, whilst others saw for Scottish students is that a by-product of which you can help the Stop Fees Now
university becoming a form of job training. the increased tuition fees south of the border campaign - this is just the beginning.

Drink Spiking Concerns at USSU

BY CLAIRE ILES unusual substances are present in your system. However,
VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION & WELFARE a blood test will only pick up irregularities within 24 hours
of the drug being administered, so we urge you to contact
FOLLOWING LAST WEEK’s article in barefacts on drink spiking your doctor if you have any concerns, just to clarify the
concern in Guildford, an incident involving a date rape drug situation.
has been reported as happening at the University of Surrey If the health centre is not open (staff illness prevents sick
Students Union building. The student reported that they had bay being open between 12pm and 9am from Monday 27th
consumed a small quantity of alcohol when their legs gave October until Monday 3rd November) please go to your
way beneath them and they collapsed on the floor. When local police station or A & E immediately.
they had regained their balance, they felt extremely drunk. Colin Howard, the Dean of Students, has stated that the
Fortunately, trustworthy friends took the student home. University will not tolerate such behaviour and will take
The next day, however, the student in question did not any attempt to incapacitate a student to the level of severity
experience a hangover, but endured vomiting and fly like where the culprit (if a student) may not be allowed to
symptoms. It was then that the student realised a drug may remain at the University. The individual will face Union
have been introduced to their drink the night before. If disciplinary procedures and a life ban from USSU.
you believe that you may have been the victim of a drink If anyone has any information on this issue, or wishes to
spiking incident, you are advised to go straight to the seek advice, then they should visit the Students’ Union’s
watch your drink | photo: chris hunter Health Centre, where a blood test is available to see if any Welfare and Representation Unit as soon as possible.

Dave Project | page 9 GU2 Sketch Show | page 10 Lyrics Quiz | page 21 Sandy’s Stars | page 22
2 NEWS 30 October 2003


Oxford Professor Suspended
Editor in Chief BY CHRIS WARD June. Duvshani said that the email outlined
Sarah Butterworth EDITOR Wilkie’s objections to the way Israel treated
comms Palestinians. As a result of the hearing, PROFESSOR ANDREW WILKIE, Nuffield Professor Wilkie was given an unpaid
professor of psychology, has been suspension period of two months, and
Editor suspended by Oxford University for will have to undergo equal opportunities
Chris Ward rejecting a student’s application on the basis training.
cs21cw that he had served in the Israeli army. He A spokesman for the University said: “This emailed Amit Duvshani, a masters student ruling reflects that there can be no place
at Tel Aviv University who had applied to for any form of discrimination within the
Deputy Editor do a PhD under him, stating that he would University of Oxford. Professor Wilkie
Neil Christie not enrol “someone who had served in the fully accepts the gravity of the situation and
ms33nc Israeli army”. is determined to make full use of training to Wilkie had been called to face a ensure that his actions and those of his staff
disciplinary hearing for this decision in reflect best practice in future.”
Deputy Editor

Meningitis Looking For Something?

Ben Berryman

Music Editor
Matt Badcock
has been traditionally seen as offering and
utilising many skills that are important in

Bristol Uni the workplace. It was seen to promote
IF YOU CAME to university and did not confidence, presentational skills, and turn
Music Editor have an idea as to which career you wish young adults into academics. However, with
Jon Allen to pursue after graduating, you are officially more vocational degrees giving, arguably,
bs21ja BY CHRIS WARD in the same circumstances as one in two these skills and many more specific talents EDITOR students. As the government is intent on to students, the traditional view of a degree
increasing university participation to 50% has changed. Graduate numbers are ever
TWO STUDENTS FROM Bristol University are by 2010, will the rising number of students increasing, so merely having a degree is no
Film Editor being treated after they were confirmed to starting university and falling numbers of longer much of an edge, more something
Neil Boulton have contracted type B bacterial meningitis vacancies (on average 3.4% per year) mean taken for granted. It may be possible to go
cs21nb two weeks ago. A further two are receiving students need to be more focused than ever so far as to say it’s the individuals who have treatment after suffering symptoms of the on the direction their career paths? taken a more experience, hands-on based
disease. Ben Taylor, spokesman for the It is thought that a contributing factor to this approach that catch the eyes of employers,
Theatre Editor University said: “The two confirmed cases trend is the lack of career guidance given to not the letters after an applicant’s name.
Daisy Clay are first year students and have made a young adults in schools. However it seems Speculation aside, there are many students
ps21dc good recovery”. almost contradictory that specialisation is that echo the words of Linda Zell, who To counteract the threat of infection, the something that is being called for, yet the studied law at Cambridge. She said: “Like
university has issued antibiotics to 3,000 government are looking to introduce a wider most of my friends, I picked my degree
people. These pills have primarily been curriculum for students studying A-Levels, without being really sure about what I
Literature Editor given to students and university staff in the either in colleges or sixth form. There have wanted to do after university. I worked
Jennifer Walker Stoke Bishop and Clifton area. In regards been a few schools that decided to reject the hard to get my qualification but, by the
ph21jw to the two being treated for symptoms, Ben advanced level subject curriculum and opt to time I’d gained my law degree, I knew a
Taylor added: “ The two suspected cases are push students through onto the International legal profession definitely wasn’t for me.
more recent and it is too early to say much Baccalaureate, which was deemed to have I’m back at home now, waitressing and
News Editor about their condition”. Three of the patients greater influence on more needy skills. temping, and trying to work out what I
Philip Howard are being treated at the Bristol Royal Another possible factor leading to such want to do with my working life.”
ph02ph Infirmary, and one in Taunton. ‘directionless’ students is that a degree

Sports Editor barefacts is an editorially independent

newspaper and is published by the University
Do you have a complaint
barefacts notices
Peter Nichols of Surrey Students’ Union Communications against this newspaper?
cs11pn Office. barefacts meeting | Thursday 30th October | 5pm | USSU Media Centre
If you have a complaint about any item in this newspaper which
The views expressed within the paper Cyprus Society AGM | Thursday 30th October | 6pm | Lecture Theatre L
are those of individual authors and do not contains inaccuracy, harassment,
intrusion or discrimination write to
CONTRIBUTORS necessarily represent the views of the Editor,
the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the our editorial team about it.
Afro-Carribean Society Meeting | Thursday 30th October | 6pm | 72MS03
Matt Adams Catherine Lee If you remain dissatisfied please
University of Surrey. Switchgear Gaming Society | Monday 3rd November | 6pm | TB11
David Block Carol Main
This publication may not be reproduced in contact the Press Complaints
Josephine Bright Andrew Malek
whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or Commission - an independant
Amnesty International Soc AGM | Monday 3rd November | Committee Room
Tom Cartwright Frankie Mann distributed, without the express permission of organisation established to uphold
Mike Chambers David Meredith an editorial Code of Practice for the
the publisher beforehand. USSU Union Council | Tuesday 4th November | 1pm | Main Union
Jonathan Darzi Dina Mystris All submissions must include the author’s Press. This newspaper will abide by
Scott Farmer Paul Sanderson name and Union or Staff Number. Submission their decision. Photo Soc EGM | Thursday 6th November | 6pm | TB1
Michael Field Katy Saunders is no guarantee of publication.
Matt Fisher Sandeep Sohal Press Complaints Commission GU2 Radio EGM | Thursday 6th November | 6.15pm | Hari’s Bar, Main Union
Chris Hunter Pete Tivers Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will 1 Salisbury Square
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Tel: 01733 424949
30 October 2003 NEWS & LETTERS 3

Roehampton May Lose UniS Branding For more UniS Merchandise, visit
the USSU Shop, open Monday-
BY PHIL HOWARD Friday 12 noon til 4pm

UNIVERSITY OF SURREY Roehampton may be due to change

its name in the near future, losing ‘University of Surrey’
from its title, according to the Wandsworth Guardian.
Roehampton’s council has commissioned a report into
the effects of changing its name, with the most likely
replacement being ‘Roehampton University’. Roehampton
joined the Federal University of Surrey in 2000, and
according to Roehampton’s chief executive and Rector, Dr
Bernadette Porter, it would remain part of the federation.
If Roehampton decides to go ahead with its application, the
DfES would be notified in December, so the name change
would be unlikely before the next academic year.
Roehampton’s place in the Federal University of Surrey
has been criticised by some as Roehampton is a significant
distance away from Guildford. However, Dr Porter said that
staff recruitment, student enrolment and academic quality
had all improved since Roehampton joined the federation.
Should Roehampton opt to change its name, it would be an
attempt to strength the brand of Roehampton as an institution
in its own right, as other similar institutes use the proposals
in the recent White Paper to obtain university status, which
university of surrey roehampton... soon to be roehampton university?
could disadvantage Roehampton.


photo: chris hunter | model: amy fawcett

Is there something you don’t like about the University? Maybe
you have a gripe about the Students’ Union? Then head on down
to the Lecture Theatres on Friday lunchtime every week between
12 and 2pm and have a chat with the Sabbatical and
Executive Officers. Get your voice heard.
b e h e a r d | b e h e a r d

Letters to barefacts
Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to be published in the next newspaper.
Letters may be edited for length or clarity |

Dear barefacts for sports teams to travel about. The fields around campus the university of surrey students’ union | photo: chris hunter
aren’t just maintained by the university – it’s union too. So
I don’t enjoy paying lots for drinks as much as the next guy, if you want decent playing fields, you need the union.
but the amount of whinging that goes on in the letters section When you need representation – from academics, to
about prices for entry to the union, and drinks in the union, health, or to implement sensible ideas and get funding for
really only shows one thing – people don’t know what campaigns… there’s the union again.
they’re missing. Barefacts and GU2 – opportunities to start careers or
USSU is expensive when compared to other unions. In interests in the media, journalism, technical skills… these
terms of ‘living in an expensive area’, that claim is simply things make you as an individual more interesting and
not true. What is true is the fact that too many people see potentially more employable.
the union as just a source of entertainment. Yes, that part Basically if you as a student get up and do something, that
is expensive, but why are people overlooking everything something will be subsidised heavily by the union. USSU
else? Pete Tivers’ article about where the money goes was do a lot for their students, more so than other unions around
informative, but it covers merely the financial aspect. the country hence the extra prices. The union makes a profit
DAVE and V are not just there to help students to learn – but all profits go back into the union.
skills or ‘get involved’. They are, I’d argue, another tool that I write this not as a sabbatical, not even as a union official,
makes Surrey students the most employable in the country. but as someone with their eyes open to what goes on. At
Nowhere near enough people utilise their potential. first I didn’t know what the union did do for us, so I went
The sports and societies – yes, there are a lot of people and found out. I’m glad I did. There’s so much opportunity,
that get involved, and many that don’t, but there’s a huge due to USSU, and if you come to uni simply to get a degree
opportunity for people to get involved. Chatting to a you’re going to miss out. A first and nothing else won’t beat
Sabbatical the other day, it came up that societies have a 2:1 or 2:2 with loads of other experience and skills.
money for far more things than just running the club. Books,
equipment, training, teaching… you name it, the union YOURS SINCERELY,
subsidise it. Sports – the elite sports programme doesn’t NEIL CHRISTIE
pay for itself. The minibuses are constantly booked out
4 COMMENT 30 October 2003

The Saga of Campus Life

opinion Paul Sanderson wonders about the state of campus accommodation
and facilities, and asks where exactly all of our money really goes?

Union Council Consider, if you will, the simple verb phrase

‘I iron my clothes’. It only means one thing no
matter how pragmatically you look at it, right?
and had we not cooked together it would have
been unthinkable. If people have guests over
the situation worsens tenfold. The cause of our
TUESDAY 4TH NOVEMBER sees the second Union Council of Wrong. Place it in a student accommodation absurdly small kitchen: money. According to a
the Academic Year. Everyone is free to come along and context. Linguistic magic then transforms it into ‘I very good source, one of the rooms on our floor
find out what’s really going on in the Union - question your increase exponentially the number of creases in my used to be part of the kitchen but the university
Sabbatical and Executive Officers, find out where the money clothes’. Basically, the iron provided is woefully decided that they would cut the kitchen in half
I do feel quite
goes, or have a gripe about something in the University. One inadequate. It must be from the 70s; this small and shoehorn another room into the floor thus
happy with my
representative from every Sports Club and Society should black plastic thing with a bit a metal bolted to the earning them an extra £2000 a year whilst making
attend, as well as all the Union Councillors. On the menu is bottom sits in the cupboard looking incompetent. the kitchen impractical. You would think they
on the whole
a debate on Top Up Fees to formulate an official view from It has two uses; drying your clothes if you can’t be could at least provide a decent iron.
- as I sit here
all our students, as well as a chance to find out about current bothered to wait for a dryer in the painfully small I can just about live with these things. Indeed,
eating my Dairylea
Union campaigns. We will be discussing issues which launderette; secondly, you could use it to crack the I consider myself lucky compared to some places
on toast, I’ve
affect us all, so come along and get your voice heard. Any skull of an invader since it does have quite a nice *coughGuildfordCourtcough* but I don’t like the
realized that we
apologies from Union Councillors should be emailed to Jay point on it. Perhaps if you hit them hard enough university’s unwillingness to sort things out. The
have quite a nice
Butcher, Union Chair, at So, put it would break and then maybe the university freezer really is a problem that needs fixing. It
the date in your diaries - Tuesday 4th November, 1pm on the would get you a new one. Sorry, temporary lapse took 4 days for them to get us a new light in our
Main Unin Dance Floor. Be there and be heard! of sanity there: they would get their superglue out bathroom. All this while they spend obscene
and stick it back together, of course. amounts of money on fountains, leather sofas and spiral
I’m not simply moaning. Granted I’m moaning but it’s staircases for the management building. I accept that as a

Be Heard....
objective. On my floor alone we have to deal with several flagship building, this looks good and will probably play
annoying things which most students will either relate to or a part in attracting new, decent students to the university.
think ‘that’s nothing’; the aforementioned iron; the freezer; Perhaps they should be less concerned about their research.

.... And We Were

the kitchen; and a housemate’s room. The freezer is broken. Perhaps they should be less concerned about covering the
The second shelf sits in the third one rendering it useless cracks with impressive buildings to attract potential research
unless you fancy building up your muscles by lifting out students. Perhaps they should care more about what keeps
a drawer full of food each time you want to get out your them in business – the existing student body. I don’t
ON SUNDAY MORNING, bright and early, members of the frozen lime. There’s only one such person on our floor, know where the profits from my accommodation fees go
barefacts team joined 2 minibus loads of other Surrey and yes, he does have a frozen lime. We told our cleaner – undoubtedly there is a profit. I’m quite sure I don’t see it
Students heading to London to get our voice heard about the about the problem and she informed the appropriate people. directly judging by my iron.
prospect of top up fees. Seeing so many other students who They initially said we might get a new freezer which, as you As I said, I do feel quite happy with my accommodation
cared enough to be there was certainly an experience, and can imagine, was quite exciting. The next report was that on the whole. As I sit here eating my Dairylea on toast,
depsite a rather chilly day and a distinct lack of toilet stops, they would come and fix it. This was about week 4. Now I’ve just realized that we have quite a nice toaster. I hate
an amazing day was had by all, and hopefully, along with going headlong into week 7 (doesn’t it go fast?), several to think what state the old one was in to replace it. Maybe
32,000 other students, we went some way to showing the complaints later, drawer two still sits ominously in drawer they used to have students build a fire in the corner and
government what we really think about top up fees. three. Perhaps they’ve fallen in love and the university recently realized that this wasn’t quite right for the 21st
doesn’t want to separate them. century. Cathedral Court also has a decent location between
The freezer is also too small for 6 people but that pales Tesco and the amenities on campus, it isn’t on too much of
into insignificance compared to the relative size of the a hill, and I’m on the bottom floor so I don’t have to climb
kitchen. Those in Cathedral Court will know what I mean. the stairs every day. However, the issue is one of customer
Guests certainly understand judging by their reaction to service; we pay for it and expect something in return. If a
it; something along the lines of ‘bloody hell!’ We joked hotel behaved in such a way it would be bankrupt within 6
when we got here that we would have to have an eating months. The university would do well to acknowledge that
rota. Yesterday we had three people eating at the same time it needs us more than we need it.

living on campus: more trouble than it’s worth? photo: chris hunter

the bf demonstrators: ben, sarah & neil

THIS WEEK WE welcome two new additions to the

barefacts editorial team - Neil Christie and Ben
Berryman [pictured above] as Deputy Editors. They
have both been regular contributors to the paper since the
start of this semester, and will now also be joining Sarah
Butterworth and Chris Ward on the design and editing
side of barefacts. Good luck to them!

Random Fact of the Week [by Matt Adams]

It is physically impossible to lick your elbow.

barefacts | be heard
30 October 2003 COMMENT 5

What do Women Want?

Neil Christie is as confused as the next man about that age old subject - you can’t live with
‘em, can’t live without ‘em - women...
You can’t live with business world. Although there’s absolutely treatment’. Why is that so scary anyway? the image that the sexes portray (as given
them, yet can’t live no evidence to support this claim and it’s All you’ve been thinking for the past half above in some instances), the list is endless.
without them. They based purely on personal observation – is it hour is “please stop talking” and when they The question is, why do these differences
pick you up (steady at the back) to the a coincidence that the best looking females do, it’s like walking into a room that was exist?
highest peak, or put you down to the lowest tend to earn more money? For the males audibly bustling and turns silent upon your Trying to tread carefully, I think it’s clear
ebb. Girls are fascinating / confusing reading this article, would you give a job arrival. Cue the questions, “Is it something that females tend to experience emotional
as hell. I write as a male that personally to a female who has all the experience and I said / didn’t say / should have said / did turmoil at least once a month, which is
feels his understanding of women is a bit qualifications going, or to the immensely / didn’t do / should have done / shouldn’t out of their control, but surely not all of
better than average (or perhaps my friends’ gorgeous one that kept eyeing you up have thought of doing or saying”. Someone the differences can be accountable in this
understanding are just pitiful), but I’ll never during the interview? Shallower than the isn’t getting any tonight. manner. The difference in male / female
claim to have it all sussed out and don’t baby pool, but there is evidence to suggest Males on the other hand tend not to differ perception and behaviour is probably best
even know if it’s possible. This stems from it happens. from the norm too much. In terms of a left to the psychology boffins that I ironically
when a female was introduced to a group of This is obviously an extreme viewpoint, spectrum, the concentration around the labelled over-analytical last week. However
two males and another female. The males as is believing that all females are helpless, modal average for male behaviour would be from a purely male-orientated point of view,
responded positively and enquired how hapless individuals that spend single life far greater than that for females. Or at least, it does make you wonder if you, as a male,
she was. The female invited her down for searching for a man and attached life trying the behaviour expected from a male in a should be feeling more… emotion. I believe
what proceeded to appear like best-friends to serve their other half. Although extreme, given situation is more predictable than that it was Chandler in Friends who summed it
reunited after thirty years apart. The amount I think it’s fair to say that everyone knows of females. For the record, I’m not saying up nicely with his inability to cry.
of variation of topics of conversation was at least one female that has a few of these that this is better or worse, but that it seems I think I’ve lost count of the number of
somewhat bewildering and the depth and characteristics to some degree, and it makes to be the general feeling amongst society. times either I have, or one of my friends
meaning nearly brought a tear to my eye. for a huge range of female attributes for The stereotypical differences in the sexes has, been labelled as heartless or having
So this prompted a discussion of memorable males to get to grips with. Hence the classic is phenomenal – hence the many number of “no idea” – much to the bemusement of
female traits – of course with no opinions response from an annoyed girlfriend, “Oh pictures and emails highlighting these facts. the males present at the time. What I ask
attached to them, and lasted nearly as long you just don’t understand” or the ‘silent His and her responses to certain situations, is that if someone, somewhere, could throw
as the discussion amongst the girls. One us males a line was to what idea we need
major point that came up, was just – ‘what - in order to understand the crucial aspects
do (females) want?’ of female psychology we are, at present,
Whether you want to just sit and admire missing. How many times have I heard
their beauty (or lack of, depending on “I’m not spelling it out to you” or something
personal tastes of course) or are sitting along those lines? If I had a pound for every
crying uncontrollably in your room, time… but anyway, the point is girls, we
suffering from a broken heart, the fact is that need it spelt out to us. Empathy is not a
women are a complete mystery to all men. male strong point, and apart from the likes
According to a recent room survey, only gay of Derren Brown, we can’t mind read or
guys understand women (understandably interpret slight physiological responses
frustrating for women) and are also the to situations until it’s too late. I’ve even
best looking – so for the heterosexual seen the film What Women Want but there
community, it seems to be a losing battle were no clues there apart from jump in the
trying to understand what makes females bath with a hairdryer for enlightenment. I
tick. welcome anyone (ideally female but I’m
One viewpoint could be that females abuse not one to be exclusive), for the sake of
their powers of sexuality in order to gain male pride and to bring about a brighter
power and money. A male dominated world future for the female race, to answer the
is therefore the utopia for females that can old age question – what do females want?
use their sex (or power to get some) to reach Answers to, no points
the tops of corporate ladders. “Sleeping” the scored for technical language and / or an
way to the top is a phrase that is uttered with equally complicated reply. Big neon signs
reference to the successful female in the welcome.


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6 COMMENT 30 October 2003

Just Wondering... The New Rulebook

Laura Koskenmäki takes an alternative look at the mentality of our road users
BY JOSEPHINE BRIGHT (A. LITTLE-PERSON) my 9-11am nap, I managed to fall asleep
three times that day. Three times?! Surely There are different rules for the different that BMW is using. And the child that is
I’ve had moments when I think I may be that’s not normal? But the worst (and perhaps drivers, but unfortunately these rules are not trying to cross the road can see and be seen
going crazy. No really, there are times most predictable) part of it was that once it in the study syllabus for the driving license through expensive vehicles, unlike those
when I have serious doubts about my sanity. reached the early hours again, I couldn’t test. older and cheaper ones.
Let me talk you through a day I had last sleep. Not tossing and turning couldn’t Bus drivers are allowed to ignore the Drunks are the only people entitled to
weekend… sleep, but full on pottering around the house, annoying 15 mph speed limit and number drinking and driving. Ask any sober person
Because of a malfunction of my body (badly) drawing random items and listening of zebra crossings, especially if they that and they’d say they’ll never drink and drive
clock, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 8am. to nearly every cd in my collection (it took standard 20 minutes late from schedule. because it would be dangerous. But if you
Now some of you may be saying “8am? You 5hrs and included Hanson…). After all they drive the same route dozen ask the drunk who is just climbing into his
pansy! I’m up at 6am everyday… blah However it wasn’t merely my nocturnal times day, surely they are safer drivers than car, he’d say “I’m ok, don’t worry, I’ll be
blah”, but if I tell you that I went to bed at behaviour that worried me, oh no. You the more inexperienced students, lecturers careful, plus I’m only a few pints over the
4am you may cut me some slack. And I do see when you’re awake at 3, 4, 5am, most and in fact any other road users. limit, and the roads are empty at night” The
mean went to bed – I fell asleep at around normal people are tucked up in bed and (like If you fancy yourself as a safe driver, you slower reaction times and poorer judgement
5am, woke up again 3⁄4 hour later and so on. my next door neighbour whose window was are allowed to drive as fast, and as close to don’t apply to these people. They never
So you see being awake at 8am was a little wide open) snoring loudly. My problem the others as you like - as long as you say you kill their friends when losing the control
alien to me. was that I had no one to talk to. That may are doing it safely. Most of the speed limits of their car. They have super human ability
The day in question was a Saturday, one not seem like an issue in itself, but anyone are unnecessary, and the speed cameras are to overcome the effect of the alcohol
of my favourite days of the week because it who’s met me will tell you that I do like a bit a real rip-off. They are there just for the bad, while driving. The police are wasting their
means no work and no uni. Though I had a of a natter (I believe the phrase “kissing the unsafe drivers! Everyone knows that the time trying to tell them off. They should
few things planned to do (veging out being blarney stone” may have been mentioned…). reaction times in the statistics do not apply concentrate only to the dangerous drunk
the main one); I hadn’t planned on quite so So I did what any self-respecting chatterbox to safe drivers. They can react instantly drivers - not the safe ones!
much time to do it in. So I mustered up all would do – I talked to myself. For three when something unexpected happens - it’s Please note that if you do not belong to any
my early morning strength (and believe me, hours. That’s where the sanity part comes only the rest 100 percent of the population of these groups, you are part of the statistics.
there’s not much) and stumbled blindly to in, because my friends reliably inform me that take at least 1-1.5 seconds. Also their You may cause an accident by speeding,
the kettle for a reviving cup of coffee. After that while talking out loud isn’t necessarily cars stop immediately, they don’t work drinking and driving, ignoring signs,
that and a plate of chips (the fridge was reason to call the men in white coats, a full under the laws of physics like other cars that parking wherever you like etc. Tough luck!
empty and I thought I’d pay my body back blown conversation may well be. travel forward considerable distance after You should go drive down to nearest pub
for confusing me) I promptly fell asleep. For your peace of mind, I’ll let you know the driver hits the brake pedal. and get pissed, or spend three year’s wages
Typical. When I resurfaced next at 2pm, that yes, I am totally sane (the funny man Rich and famous who have expensive on a flashy BMW, and join the privileged
I realised that the world was in full swing with the stethoscope said so). It was merely sport cars, are not expected to follow the group of drivers who are immune to errors.
and I was, once again, going to be labelled a rather bizarre, almost sleepless night (I same rules as the ordinary people. Their car
a lazy sod. finally crashed at 6am). Strange as it may parked on the double yellow lines will never Got something to say?
The rest of the day seemed to follow a sound I would like to do it again. I believe be a hazard. Fire engines and ambulances
pattern: read, go cross-eyed, fall asleep, I fell asleep arguing with myself about the can always wait or take another route; surely
wake up, make coffee, read again. Including merits of hypnotism… they don’t need that couple of square meters be heard

Drink Spiking: The Bare Facts

After recent concerns at USSU about drink spiking, the Vice President Education and Welfare, Claire Iles, gives us the low down on the facts on drinks spiking

How to avoid drink spiking What to do if you think your drink has been
• Don’t accept drinks from strangers or leave drinks unattended. If someone offers you a spiked?
drink, go to the bar with them.
• Buy your own drinks and know what you are drinking. If you think your drink has been spiked, tell a friend, the bar or security staff, or the
• Don’t drink something you did not open, or see opened or poured. police. Your doctor can test for the presence of traces of certain drugs through urine or
• If you’re unsure about your drink, leave it. blood tests within 24 hours.
• If you feel dizzy or sick, ask someone you trust to take you to a safe place. If you are If you think that you have been assaulted or raped, it’s important you tell a friend or
alone or can’t find your friends tell the staff behind the bar. family member, and go to a doctor or hospital. If you think you’ve been spiked, don’t
• If you’re on a date with someone you don’t know arrange for a friend to call you hesitate: get yourself to the doctor immediately, inform friends, the police, the Advice
during the evening and/or pick you up. Meet in a public space. Arrange your own Centre, Education and Welfare Officer, or whoever you trust
Drink spiking and the law
How do I know if my drink has been spiked?
Drink spiking is illegal. It’s a serious offence to introduce a drug into the body of
You might not be able to see, smell or taste if you drink has been spiked—the drug may another person without their knowledge or consent, especially if the person is assaulted
be colourless, ordourless and may not affect the taste of your drink as a result
Warning signs include:
• Feeling dizzy or faint Information from:
• Feeling sick or sleepy
• Feeling intoxicated or confused even if you have only had a little alcohol to drink. For more information on drinks spiking, and how to avoid it, pop into the Activities
• Passing out Centre in the Students’ Union and have a chat with Claire Iles or Lisa Widdows in
• Waking up feeling uncomfortable and disorientated, with memory blanks about the the Welfare and Representation Unit.
night before
photos: chris hunter | collage: pete nichols
surrey students
8 UNION 30 October 2003

Self Defence - Can

You Risk Not Going?
Ride The London Eye For Free!
BY CLAIRE ILES 3-5pm Sunday November 16th
3-5pm Sunday November 23rd A reminder of exciting V Project competition that I announced in last week’s Barefacts. This
OVER 50 STUDENTS attended the self defence Venue: Sports Centre Studio (Unisport) is your chance to write a short piece about some volunteering that you have taken part in, and
session run on October 19th and reported Price: 5 (plus 5 deposit) the winner will be awarded a pair of tickets for the British Airways London Eye (valid until
that it was an overwhelming success, 30th December 2003) - otherwise known as ‘the big wheel on the River Thames’, where you
teaching them techniques to use against get stunning views of London on a breathtaking 30 minute ‘ride’, whilst snapping away on
attack and building their confidence. your camera at all those well known London sights.
Its now your last chance to sign up for All you have to do is write a short piece (the length is up to you) about any volunteering
the four week self defense course starting that you have been involved in in the last 12 months (it does not have to have been done
this Sunday. At a ridiculously cheap 5 isnt through The V Project) – it could be a club or society that you sit on the committee of, a ‘one-
it worth resisting those two drinks and off’ volunteering event that you took part in, or volunteering that you are involved in in the
learning how to defend yourself? community on a longer term basis. Just tell me who you are, what you did/ are doing, where
This is the only course being offered this and when you did it, why and how you got involved, what you learnt, and anything else you
academic year, so dont regret missing the think is interesting about the experience.
opportunity at a later date. Submit your entry by email, post, or bring it to me in person (post it under my door if I’m
You can sign up now at the Students Union not here) by 5pm Friday 7th November. An independent source will read all of the articles
reception with Jacqui or at the Union Shop and pick the winner, who will be notified by Friday 14th November.
or email to find out
more information, have any questions Poppies!
3-5pm Sunday November 2nd Yes it’s that time of year to wear your poppy with pride – to remember all those brave
3-5pm Sunday November 9th people who fought in battle for our freedom. If you can help in Guildford town centre to sell
poppies for a minimum of 1 hour over the 7th and 8th of November, or would like to find out

Euro Quiz Night Success

more about The British Legion then get in touch asap.

RAG Goes To Windsor!

BY MIKE CHAMBERS rounds and a number of spot-prize questions. Have a fun day out, meet new people, and actually make a difference to people’s lives!
Entrance was a very reasonable £2 per person RAG (Raising & Giving) are having an exciting street collection on Saturday 1st November
ROOTS CAFÉ BAR saw an unusually busy or just £1 for EuroSoc members. Prizes were in aid of The Children’s Trust, which are a charity that provide help and support to children
Tuesday night last week when the venue awarded to the winning team in each round, with severe disabilities, as well as their families. They are currently trying to raise £4 million
was taken over by the newly established and included French Champagne, Italian to make drastic improvements to the trust’s school and children’s houses.
European Society. EuroSoc, as they prefer wine, Belgian chocolates, a subscription to Collecting will commence at 10.30/ 11am, and then return to Guildford at about 6/16.30pm,
to call themselves, ran a quiz night, which The Economist (worth £35), £100 cash and and if you can’t manage the whole day – don’t despair as it is possible to just collect for
attracted numbers never seen before on a many more. part of the day. The money will then be counted before trundling down to Chancellors for
Tuesday. The high turnout at what was the The winning team overall, “Culture a well deserved drink, where totals will hopefully be announced. If you are not able to
society’s first major event was an impressive Shock”, won a small trophy. There was also come out collecting but would like to help count the money then your help would be greatly
achievement for EuroSoc. The Quizmaster, a prize for the Best team name, awarded to appreciated! Transport and a lunchtime snack will be paid for, and you will be provided with
and Director of Communications for the “Eurotrash Team”. EuroQuiz part 2 is in everything you need to go out collecting, including an information pack containing tips and
EuroSoc, Mike Chambers said “The the planning and is set to take place at the advice on street collecting and info about the charity.
overwhelming success of this event was a end of November.
marvellous accomplishment for the society. In the mean time, EuroSoc is taking
The venue was packed to capacity, and members on a Bar Crawl next Tuesday (4th Handicap International
most importantly all participants had a very Nov), which starts in Roots at 7.30pm. For
enjoyable evening”. more info on the European Society, email …Is an NGO working to support landmine victims and people with disabilities in 55
The quiz consisted of six 10-question countries around the world, and was co-winner of the 1997 Nobel Peace Prize. Handicap
International UK is based in Farnham, and is in need of volunteers to help with an event on
Saturday 1st November in Trafalgar Square. The event marks the start of Landmine Action
Week, and is an awareness raising day. The focus will be the construction of a ‘pyramid of
shoes’, each show symbolising lives and limbs lost as a consequence of landmines. A variety
of exhibitions and entertainments will be on offer, and experts will be on hand to talk about
de-mining, mine-risk education, and prosthesis fitting. Volunteers are needed (whole day,
morning or afternoon) for stewarding, talking to people, event set up/ clear up, etc, and will
be invited to attend a post-event get together.
Please contact me for more information on any of the above fantastic opportunities, or to
find out about more exciting opportunities – the list is fun, and endless!

Name | Carol Main

Tel | (01483) (68) 3254
Email |
Web |
Person | The Activities Centre @ USSU

photo: eurosoc management committee with euro flag

10 COMMUNICATION 30 October 2003

You GU2?
sketch show

BY TOM CARTWRIGHT & FRANKIE MANN more ideas this way, and the more brains
there are to storm, the better.
Radio? With no music? A comedy sketch We will also need some people to say all
show? Here? On GU2? Now there’s a this stuff in front of a microphone. We are
thought. after a small cast of versatile performers.
We need writers and performers for a new Comic timing and a range of voices, accents
comedy sketch show on GU2. The show and impressions are always handy.
will be half an hour long, and run for a series The plan is to write most of the material
of 8-12 weeks depending on various factors now, and the show will start in January. We
yet to be determined. The format is quick can then add sketches about current affairs
fire sketches, like a radio version of Smack as and when they happen.
the Pony or Big Train. If you would like to be a writer or
Anyone can be a writer, sketches can be performer or both, then please contact
submitted by email, and anything received Frankie:, or if
will be read and considered. you find her frightening, contact Tom:
However, you could become a regular Come along to the
writer on the show, taking part in production general GU2 meeting on Thursday, 6.15pm
meetings where we shall undergo an intense in Hari’s Bar to find out more…
comedy brainstorming. We find, we get

Want to find out what’s on GU2, or listen to

our very own radio station online? Then type into your web browser, and discover
the wonders of online streaming, as well as
finding out the programme schedule, and much
much more about GU2.

otherwise tune your radio to 1350am/mw, sit back,

and relax to the sound of your favourite music

Care about the environment? Want to make people

more aware of mental health issues? If you care about
these, or any other issues, you should get involved
with USSU Campaigns.

email Claire at for more details


Coming Up in Week 9 at the Careers Service Dr Russ Replies

DEVELOPING YOUR SKILLS use as part of their selection process. There are three
sections designed to test your logical thinking. DR RUSS CLARK | UNIS CAREERS SERVICE
WEDNESDAY 5 NOVEMBER EMPLOYER PRESENTATIONS Got any tips about answering difficult questions during
2 – 4 PM IN LT B interviews?
A repeat workshop for anyone unable to attend on 22 BUNAC
October. MONDAY 3 NOVEMBER The first question I was asked in my first ever job interview
6 PM in LT F was “Tell me, Mr Clark, what prompted you to apply to our
PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST* BUNAC will be giving a presentation on the company?” This wasn’t really a difficult question. The
THURSDAY 6 NOVEMBER opportunities they offer for work and travel in the US, trouble was, I hadn’t prepared for it, so it was ten times more
6.15 – 8.15 PM IN LT B Canada, Australia and New Zealand. difficult than it appeared. As a result, I simply panicked.
The tests we run are parallel to those that many employers What could I possibly say - surely the truth is the best thing
in emergencies I told myself. “Well, you pharmaceutical
* Please register with Careers if you wish to attend or email firms are all the same so I just stuck a pin in it”. My intense
relief at being able to blurt out the semblance of an answer
was matched by the look of abject horror on the interviewer’s
face. She got rid of me as soon as she could and I was left
licking my wounds.

So what could you have said if you’d had another


How about - “I’ve applied to you because I believe your

company could make the best use of my abilities”, or what
about “I read about the kind of work you require graduates
to do and I must say it all sounds extremely interesting”.
Although those answers could be improved they are at least
a lot more positive than my rather pathetic first attempt.
Actually that particular question is one which you are almost
certain to be asked during the interview and the best way to
deal with it is to plan your answer in advance. In fact, it’s
a good idea to make a list of all of the questions which you
think they might ask and consider how you would reply.

But how would I reply to a question I wasn’t expecting?

The following strategy might help. First of all it’s very

important to keep calm. Don’t worry about pausing before
you answer. You can even comment that it’s a difficult
question and that you’d like a moment to think about it.
While the interviewer is quietly reflecting on how good
they are at their job, you are using those precious seconds to
consider your reply. Ask yourself what exactly they’re trying
to get at. They almost certainly want to find out something
about you which will show them whether you are right for the
job. Frame your answer in such a way that it says something
positive and relevant about you. It doesn’t have to be earth-
shattering - just confident, honest and to the point.

What if my mind goes completely blank?

If you really can’t answer a question, why not ask if you can
come back to it later. It shows you’ve got the confidence to
ask and it gives the old grey matter a chance to mull over the
question in the meantime. They might even forget they asked
the question in the first place - but don’t bank on it!

Do you have a question you

think Dr Russ or the Careers
Service could help with?

Just send your question in to or pop
into the careers service (in
the Philip Marchant Building,
by the Accommodation Office)
and speak to an advisor
Barearts Film and Literature sections are home to
a Halloween Special this week - spooky films, scary
books - you name it, Neil Boulton and Jen Walker
have them all for you...



daniel beddingfield performing live

FIRE WALKER Gliding effortlessly past their
Scenario post-Britpop peers (mentioning
no names), Elbow prove once
What we have here is a funky MC headed dance mix again that endlessly rewriting
which struts itself along with it’s solid loops leading the way the same indistinct tune needn’t
and a rather memorable chorus. There’s also a remix which does little be the only way. Guy Garvey
to change the song but seems to slap a nice fuzz-box effect on the soars where other vocalists would
original’s guitar funk. The Aracde-fuelled B-side ‘High Score’ is also saunter aimlessly and strings
worthy of merit. n.b. hum gently without suffocating CHICKS ON SPEED MACHO MAN RANDY
the haunting main melody, which 99 CENTS SAVAGE
embeds itself deeply in your Chicks On Speed Records BE A MAN
consciousness after at most a
BORN AGAIN MILKSHAKE Unusual pop-ish album from No, your eyes do not deceive.
couple of listens. It’s nothing new
EMI Virgin of course, but executed with such this all-female German art- Wrestling super-legend Randy
aplomb that it’s hard to care. j.d. collective - It’s a big swirly mix ‘Macho Man’ Savage has
The title of this single from Kelis returns with the first single of electronics, vocals, guitars, actually recorded an entire
the band’s ‘eagerly-awaited’ from her forthcoming album sort-of-occasional rapping, and album. I’m Back kicks in with a
(by who? I can’t work it out) ‘Tasty’. What struck me first loads of other stuff. And this is no metal riff, and as soon as Macho
second album is misleading; whilst listening to this, is the DANIEL BEDDINGFIELD bad thing, the whole thing starts starts flowing, you can’t help
it’s the same heart-on-sleave striking similarity to Missy Elliott. FRIDAY as a guitar/electronica mix and but chuckle, especially as he
whining and dreary mush that Producer Pharrell Williams lays Empire wraps up as techno-pop. Stand out says things like “shout out” and
has characterised James Walsh down a tribal bass through which tracks are the stompy ‘We Don’t “jizzle”. Rockier tunes such as
and co’s sound ever since they Kelis’ voice can drift in and out Behold, a stop gap single release Play Guitars’ - which features the RU Ready sound like generic
promised much yet failed to of, leading to a hypnotic effect from Mr. Bedingfield - Now to sorta-similar-sounding Peaches rap-metal, and might win some
deliver on the trio of excellent which makes the tune stick in your be honest I wasn’t the greatest (She appears to be everywhere at Limp Bizkit fans over. Half the
songs on their epic debut EP head well after hearing it. I have fan of Gotta Get Through This, the moment), the plinky ‘Culture album sees Macho dropping the
Fever. Astute observers will to admit this type of tune isn’t my but Friday is nowhere near as Vulture’ and opener ‘Shooting rock edge in favour of straight
note the Nick Drake-embezzled usual cup of tea, but this song is a annoying. The music’s fasted From The Hip’. The track ‘Sell- up hip hop that could have come
acoustic jangle and for this real grower. m.f paced and with a few tweaks it out’ is a good testament to the from a Ja Rule album (except
heads should roll. The song could almost sound sinister. The diversity on show, there’s at least with the “Oooooh Yeeeeah...
arrives without fanfare and drifts human beat box with acoustic three different styles going on in Macho Man bout to drop this”
aimlessly until the unmoving guitar intro for the live B-side of the song. Nothing ear-bleeding, epigraphs). And like Ja, he gets
conclusion; stick it on repeat and James Dean is amusing (laughing just a good mix of styles built on guest female vocalists to sing his
huzzah, you’ve got an instant at, not with) and there’s also a a strong electronic-pop base. Nice choruses and provide a harmonic
insomnia cure. m.d.f forgettable remix of Friday, but hidden track too. n.b. contrast to his raspy
Friday on it’s own isn’t bad. n.b. voice. The standout title track
Be a Man hits you like one of
Randy’s signature elbow drops
- Killer beats with a Nelly-like
THE HOLIDAY PLAN chorus. It’s a callout to his
THE HOLIDAY PLAN EP apparent nemesis Hulk Hogan
Fallout : “I smell a coward, is that you
Hogan? Macho’s gonna kick
Young emo rockers, The Holiday Plan thrash into Every Day Is Winter your butt is the slogan.” . Make
mixing the classic formula of a commotion of noise followed by a blend no mistake, this is a novelty
of sweet melodies ending on a crescendo of smashing drums. The album and should not be taken
macho man randy savage - musician?!

four tracks making up this EP release sees strength seriously (apart from maybe
musically with a mature sound at a relatively young the aforementioned track), but
age though sounding like yet another American the man has obviously made a
emo band. Not to take anything away its promising serious effort and it’s not as
stuff but is never able to differentiate itself. m.b. bad as you’d think. a.m

This week’s music section is brought to you

by: Matt Badcock, Jon Allen, Jonathan

(WHO WILL BE) HERE TO HEAR? Darzi, Dina Mystris, Andrew

al b
Eat Sleep Records
Malek, Michael Field, Matt
This EP is the first offering from this Kansas based duo, who offer Fisher and Neil ‘Tree’
a rich blend of acoustic soft rock and emotionally charged lyrics.
Although this collection of songs hints at the obvious talent on offer, Boulton.
I’m afraid to say it’s just boring – none of the songs have any life in
them. I really wanted to like it, but on this form The Belles remind me
of a second rate Turin Brakes without the tunes. m.f
30 October 2003 MUSIC 15

To become part of the bf COMPETITION

music team, just Want to get your hands on ultra rare My Morning Jacket single
‘Mahgeetah’ on 7” vinyl, OutKast album sampler, Iron Maiden and
Alfie posters plus various other CD delights?
turn up to the meetings

at 5.15pm on Mondays in Well three lucky readers will win these goodies by just answering
this question:
the Which band released the singles ‘Growing On Me’ and ‘I Believe
In A Thing Called Love’
Send your answer, name and contact details by e-mail to
or email RG Records by 5pm on Monday 3rd November 2003.
THE Thankfully, Ominous is not
THE FIRE THEFT an extended 46-minute paean
THE FIRE THEFT to guns, drugs and comically
Rykodisc oversized gold jewellery as I
had initially feared, but instead
AQUALUNG I’d call the music of The Fire Theft sort of a more toned down, and exhibits a proactive social
boring, version of Jane’s Addiction – Sort of slow rock with orchestral The Boggs take their chaotic
STILL LIFE sound honed on debut album We awareness (excepting laid-back
B-Unique type sounds going on in the background with Perry Farrell-esque vocals ode to hedonism Dance For
over the top of it all, though these go missing as the album continues. Are the Boggs We Are and take it a
step further on this equally madcap Your Life) that British hip-hop
Matt Hales was brought to the For me the album started off without much to hold my interest, then artists are becoming increasingly
‘Chain’ came around and the sound became less sparse after the string follow-up. Ranging from raucous
public’s attention last year when and anthemic to rousing acoustic reputed for. Rather than restricting
his song Strange and Beautiful led intro. Which flows into a nice instrumental called ‘Backwards Blues’. themselves to a single genre,
Another high point is the soaring ‘Rubber Bands’. While a bit lengthy singalongs its lo-fi production
off his debut album was used and the band’s don’t care attitude Border Crossing have gone for a
in an advert for Volkswagen. (8 minutes…) the final track ‘Sinatra’ is a great way to end the album, kitchen sink-type affair, mixing
coupled with the ambient sounds of the hidden track. Once the album make it a charming but ultimately
His new material is not really difficult record to listen to. It lacks numerous styles loosely united
that different – acoustic indie gets going, and you get into it, this album’s really quite good... n.b. under the hip-hop banner with
the necessary flow and continuity
with excellent sweetly sung and at times the badly-played varying degrees of success. The
vocals, but to be honest it’s non- violins sound a bit like the hidden lush cinematic ambience of
descript enough to not be able track on the Stone Roses’ Second Taxi and Flight Path along with
to describe much else. Brighter Coming. That said, there’s a fair politicised statement of intent
than Sunshine is by far the mixture of styles and instruments In Your Area work particularly
best song but it’s one of those Capitol well, but Ricky Rankin’s gruff
(banjo included) and some decent
shrinking violet albums, very tunes to catch your attention. If vocals on Rankin’s Move and the
happy to hide behind the success It all starts with the sound of a grating Future Blues prove less
winning slot machine; yes this mess and disorder is your thing,
of contemporaries Elbow, Doves give it a try. m.d.f palatable. Ultimately, I’m not
and so on. Having said that, it’s album is about cashing in, not qualified either to wholeheartedly
definitely worth a listen, but do musical integrity. It has been a recommend Ominous or to
make sure you try before you massive success State side; it’s unceremoniously pan it – but
buy. j.a. not hard to see why though. Tunes it certainly beats yet another
with catchy beats and Nelly style Starsailor single. j.d.
rapping, bounces from one party
track to the next. Lyrically it deals
mainly with bootys and having as
much fun in one night as possible. BRAND NEW
It also isn’t short of the power DEJA ENTENDU
sellers like Snoop Dogg, Jermaine Triple Crown Records
Dupri and of course Ludacris,
who bring old skool approval to Who would have guessed that being really sad and singing about it
this fledgling rapper. One for a hip could bring so much success. Following in the wave of recent emo
hopping time and who knows this style rock and punk this band shines. Think Coldplay with aggressive
smash hit in the guitars and song titles such as Good to know that if I ever need
states may just attention all I have to do is die. It is a slight departure from their
hit it big right previous albums, with the praise they have received from Zane Lowe
‘herre’ in the making them single of the week on his show, to Rolling Stone saying,
UK. d.m “When is emo worth a million dollars? When made by these guys”
certainly a move in the right direction. The definite bass lines and
heartfelt expression of lyricist Jesse Lacey come together with sincere
screaming and perfect whisper. d.m
16 FILM 30 October 2003

The Happiness Of The Katakuris

Starting off his Halloween film special with a bang, Film Editor Neil Boulton ponders how the hell producers
managed to fuse together “The Sound Of Music” and “Day Of The Dead”... and make it relatively good.
The Katakuris are a simple family, living up the wrong end a second to take about the clay-mation, it’s so damn odd -
of the mountain, trying to run a guest house in the middle it’s fantastic. The film’s opening 5 to 10 minutes are almost
of nowhere – business is terribly light due to their location, nothing to do with the rest of the film and will probably
but the future promise of a new road helps them cling to have you looking at the film’s case going “Uh?!” when
their dreams of happiness and prosperity. For Grandpa, Dad, the small clay monster jumps from her soup to bite off her
Mum, Shizue, Mayasuki and little Yuri all is well… and then uvula (yes, uvula). And despite all these ideas being stuck in
their first guest shows up on one stormy night. They welcome the same bag, things are done amazingly well. On paper it
him into their home and, well, wake up next morning to find looks like a great B-movie, but the finished film never looks
he’s killed himself with the room key. This would be what like a B-movie. Within the film the colours can be so bright
you’d call a crisis, and like most other families in a crisis, and vibrant and then turn on their head to being as dark as
they… break into a musical number… err… Takashi Miike’s previous works (In the past he’s done some
Hold on, this isn’t normal and I know it, and that’s what pretty gruesome horror films, take Audition for example,
makes The Happiness Of The Katakuris so damn special. it has some ‘not very nice’ torture scenes in it. He’s also
It’s a horror film, with love stories and musical numbers. In responsible for bringing us Ichi The Killer). The acting’s
a similar, but far more highly funded, ilk to Cannibal: The great too, there’s some ham flying around but the family
Musical (See the Halloween-y Suggestions)… it’s a film you can’t stop yourself – More bodies get buried out the comes into their own for the final dance number, a post
packed with love, death and song. As it so helpfully stated back and more song and dance numbers thunder by. Then disaster show-stopper complete with dancing corpses. The
on the back of the DVD, it’s “The Sound of Music meets development prior to the new road threatens to unearth their film even has a positive life-affirming message at the end.
Day Of The Dead”, and while I may not wholly agree with ill-fated guests resting places. Full on horror fans may not appreciate this film fully, it’s
that statement it’s a great place to start. Anyway, where was This film really does twist genres like nothing I’ve seen only a 15 and the horror elements aren’t that horrific or they
I – The family with a corpse on their hands fearing the bad before, it’s almost as if director Takashi Miike went around might not be too fond of musical numbers. Other people
publicity that would follow the guesthouse’s first occupant the big cinema supermarket just grabbing film genres off the might not get it because of the basic ludicrousness of the
committing suicide on the first night decide to bury him shelves and sticking them in a well funded trolley. This film whole thing. If you like things random, there aren’t many
in the garden. Slowly the guesthouse gets more and more has so many movie traits packed in it including: romance, films out there this random. Buy it, rent it, or borrow it off a
visitors passing by and they all have a habit of dying on family, horror, comedy, musicals, thrillers, clay-mation… friend and don’t let the subtitles put you off.
the poor Katakuris, and when you get locked into a habit the film even has policemen and a volcano in it. Let me take

Halloween Spectacular
Classics of halloween
by Neil Boulton
Rather than just fit one solitary film in for classic of the week, given that barefacts will be (hopefully) be finding it’s way to you on Devil’s Night, I’ve decided to try and cram a heap of
season themed cinema nuggets into one section, I could probably harp on about these films all day so I’ll try and cheap things succinct. Also, I’ve tried to keep things fairly light hearted,
most of big horror film names were on TV last week and people are probably sick of hearing about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre by now (I didn’t really like it that much). So, if you
like your horror with a big ol’ smile on its face, read on (Read on if you don’t too, you might see something you like).

Sam Raimi Peter Jackson

In my opinion (as usual) no Halloween Yes, him what did the Lord of the
style movie sit in would be complete Rings films. His forays into the world
with out at least one of Mr. Raimi’s cinema didn’t start with big budget
Evil Dead films. All three of them are Tolkien adaptations, no sir. Peter, bless
wonderful and they’re nice enough for his cotton socks, started off by making
there to be a film for everyone. Evil a film funded by himself and shot over
Dead, the original, the darkest of the four years in his native New Zealand.
three would probably be the best choice And the similarities with the dear Mr. Troma
for your straight up horror enthusiast, Raimi above don’t end there, his first Ah, Troma. As this article goes on I
a group of young friends (Damn young steps were also made in the wonderful see most of the films I’ve mentioned
people) go up to a secluded cabin in world of horror, Well, horror comedy. are mainly low budget home-made-
the woods and accidentally unleash a terrible evil from the woods surrounding it, the His first film was the gore-laden tour- ish type things. And nothing says
evil unleashed from the book of the dead starts attacking the quartet and introduces us de-force that is Bad Taste - A film that low budget like a Troma film. Llyod
to the All-American-Anti-hero Ash (Bruce Campbell – lantern jawed B-movie wonder, teaches us to never mess with a man Kaufman and Michael Herz’s empire
looks a bit like Elvis) … Evil Dead 2, a loose remake of the first adds a whole load named Derek (Derek’s don’t run!). “The have been proudly shunning good
more screwball, three stooges, pratfalling into the mix and allows Ash to really come Boys” are sent out to dispatch some taste and decency for over 20 years,
into his own, especially when he’s forced to cut of his own hand and decides to attach alien nasties that are hiding out in small producing films of dubious standards.
a chainsaw on the end. Then there’s Army Of Darkness, the alone in the woods formula town New Zealand. With the success of Troma also released South Park’s
of the last two films is destroyed and along this he then went on to make the even Trey Parker’s Cannibal: The Musical
comes a medieval time-travelling deadite messier Braindead, where a young (Watch it, it’s ace). Depravity and bad
comedy horror masterwork. Ash finds himself man tries his best to stop a shed load of cinema, a good Halloween night in if
in the past (life ain’t easy for Ash) and has to zombies from escaping the house (rather ever there was one. Anyway – some
fight his way through the army of darkness to then the usual convention of keeping quick recommendations: Terror Firmer
get home to his own time. The film’s dripping them out of the house), even more (Self-parodying Spectacle of Gore), Sgt.
with quotes and is funny as hell (Seriously, go quotable lines and officially the best use Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. and the legendary
watch all three of them, now). of a lawnmower in cinema follow. broom wielding Toxic Avenger.
30 October 2003 FILM 17

Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

Channel 4’s Shriek Week rumbles on bringing with it Sunday 2nd November 2003
even more choice horror morsels and distributing
Channel 4 | Final Destination | In the wake of all the slasher clones which followed
them like sweet candy for greedy kids, and the 9:00pm – Scream, Final Destination came along with quite a novel idea… It’s not who
horror films continue well after 31st October has 10:50pm dies, but how they die. A Boy and some classmates have a narrow scrape with
disaster - Turns out Death’s still after them for cheating him. The film is packed
BY NEIL BOULTON passed... there’s still some gems about, though, so with elaborate death sequences, which makes for some fun viewing. Too bad
FILM EDITOR there’s a sequel.
settle down with a mug of cocoa, and have a night
Channel 4 | Audition | One of Takeshi Miike’s, as mentioned elsewhere in the film section,
in with the old goggle box. 11:50pm – gruesome horror films – excellent. A widower is convinced to audition young
1:55am women in order to find himself a new beau. At first everything smells of roses,
but further investigation leads him to wonder if he made the right choice, with
Thursday 30th October 2003 messy results. Might not be for the squeamish, this one.
Channel 4 | Ring | Super-de-doop-er Japanese horror, as this film’s attained cult type status Monday 3rd November 2003
12:20am – you’ve probably heard of it. Legend has it, there’s a videotape, and a week
2:10am after you watch this videotape, you die. The premise is excellent and it’s not a Channel 4 | Chopper Chicks In Zombie Town | It’s Troma time, kids… The title pretty
gore type horror, but it’s all the better for it. Great, yet scary, stuff. 1:10am – much describes everything you need to know about the film. It also looks like
2:40am Takeshi Miike’s not the only guy who likes putting musical numbers in horror
Friday 31st October 2003 films. The cycle slut’s roll into a town to find a mad scientist and his midget are
ITV | The Glimmer Man | Watch Steven Segal fight his way through all manner of turning everyone into zombies. Genre… err… Exploitation-Horror-Comedy
12:00am – naughty people as he takes up his old policeman’s job to track down a serial
Wednesday 5th November 2003
01:45am killer. The film gets extra points for inventive use of a credit card. Action fun
albeit rather stupid. Five - 10:00pm Predator 2 | Danny Glover proves how hard he is by taking on the Predator in
– 12:05am this sequel to the jungle based original. This time the Predator’s made his way
Channel 4 | The Hitcher | Rutger Hauer! A young man transporting a car to another state
into the city and starts killing goodies and baddies all over the place. No Arnie
12:45am – gets stalked along the road by a relentless serial killer who eventually frames
but still a laugh.
2:30am the him for a string of murders. Now the driver’s being chased by the police
and shadowed by the killer. How’s he gonna get out of this one? Rutger Hauer BBC1 | Escape From L.A. | Stuff blows up, Kurt Russell gurns in this futuristic
plays the nasty hitcher making life hell for unfortunate motorists. 11:15pm – actioner. It turns out in the future that L.A. has become one big prison, and the
12:55am presidents daughter just went inside with a device which controls the city’s
Channel 4 | Ring 2 | Sequel to Ring, same basic premise intact, okay but not as good as it’s
power. Rather than save her, Snake Plissken is sent in to kill her and retrieve
2:30am – 4:10 predecessor.
the device or else.
Saturday 1st November 2003 Channel 4 | Night Watch | If Snake Plissken isn’t your thing, try Nightwatch. Ewan
Channel 4 | The Exorcist | They’re starting up Tubular Bells as I type – the infamous film 11:15pm – McGreggor’s a student moonlighting as a night watchman in a morgue. But he
10:00pm – about possession is here! A woman fears her 12-year-old daughter has become 1:10am soon becomes the prime suspect for a set of nasty serial killings as the bodies
12:20am possessed by dark forces, and as a last resort she calls in the Exorcist (sounds start arriving, however soon the real killer is also after him. Has Brad Dourif in
like he should have a cape). it, that may not seem important, but it is.

Film in Guildford
Friday 31st October -
Thursday 6th November

THE MATRIX 8.15 performance not 18.00 19.05 20.45 Wednesday only 20.30
REVOLUTIONS (15) showing Sunday 21.45 Thursday only 20.30
[2hr 9min] Fri & Sat 11.00 12.00 Sun-Tue 13.15 15.55
Free list suspended 12.30 13.30 14.45 17.45 18.35 20.45 SECONDHAND LIONS
Wednesday only 14.00 15.15 16.15 17.30 21.10 (PG) [1hr 49min]
15.30 16.45 17.20 18.05 19.00 20.15 Wednesday only 12.15 Daily 12.15
19.30 20.00 20.10 21.30 15.00 17.45 18.35 Sun-Thu 12.00
Thursday only 12.20 Sun-Tue 11.20 12.00 21.10
13.20 14.00 15.30 12.30 14.00 14.45 Thursday only 12.15 BAD BOYS 2 (15) [2hr
16.45 17.20 19.30 15.15 16.45 17.30 15.00 17.45 18.35 27min]
20.00 20.40 18.05 19.30 20.15 21.10 Fri & Sat 20.50
Wednesday only 12.00 Sun-Tue 20.35
THE TEXAS 14.45 17.30 20.15 THE LEAGUE OF
MASSACRE (18) [1hr 14.45 17.30 GENTLEMEN (12A) 21min]
38min] [1hr 50min] Advance Screening
Free list suspended INTOLERABLE ‘contains moderate Sunday 8.20
Fri & Sat 14.35 17.05 CRUELTY (12A) [1hr violence and horror’ Advance Screening
19.30 22.00 40min] Fri & Sat 12.45 15.30 Thursday 8.30
Sun-Thu 14.20 16.40 ‘contains moderate sex 18.15 21.10
19.00 21.20 references and one use Sun-Thu 12.45 15.30 ODEON Movie Mob

HOLES (PG) [1hr

of strong language’
Fri & Sat 13.45 16.10
19.05 21.35
18.15 20.55

[1hr 25min]
Happy Halloween to everyone...
Free list suspended Sun-Thu 13.20 15.55 (12A) [1hr 48min] Saturday 10.40
Fri & Sat 12.50 15.25 18.30 21.00 ‘contains moderate
Sun-Tue 12.35 15.10


1 (18) [1hr 51min]
nudity and sex
Fri -Tue 12.50 15.20
To book tickets
online, visit
... from the barefacts crew
[1hr 44min] Fri & Sat 13.45 16.20 17.55 20.30
18 LITERATURE 30 October 2003

Dracula - by Bram Stoker

Literature Editor Jennifer Walker dissects the origin of the famous horror novel, and provides a glimpse at what
possibly could have conceived such a woeful tale of darkness.
Dracula, possibly the most notorious piece of literature in “Dracul”. He acquired the name “Vlad the Impaler” due to
gothic fiction, a book on horror, sex, suspense and the classic the numerous Turks he has impaled. He was also famed for
good versus evil scenario. Stoker’s classic book inspired other atrocities he committed, he took pleasure from torture
countless numbers of gothic horror films, and writers such and no one was safe from him, not even his own people.
as Anne Rice. However he was not the only Transylvanian that gave the
What is it about the Dracula myth that entices us so? Is country its vampyric name. Countess Erzsébet Báthory
it just a straight horror story or does it have something we (other spelling as well) who obsessed with the blood of
can all relate to. There are many different interpretations of virgins, bathed in a bath of blood in the belief it would keep
the book. One of these interpretations is from the sexual her young and beautiful.
point of view; that the whole Dracula myth is based around The superstition of the Dracula myth was also fuelled from
menstruation. The idea that “the blood is the life”, springs to rigor mortis (when dead bodies would randomly sit up from
the idea of the menstrual cycle, the relation with a female’s their coffins due to this) and a rare disease called Porphyria;
ability to create life, the blood produced when the womb is causing the gums to recede and bleed, it also causes the
not fertilised – dead blood. person to become photosensitive. It is also known that some
Dracula searches for something that he needs to sustain chemicals make this condition worsen such as garlic.
him, his obsession with the blood! Is Stoker trying to convey So is Dracula a book based on the feminine sexuality or
a message to society of the importance of feminine power? Eastern European history mixed with unexplained Victorian
It may sound laughable now, but in the past menstruation science? Any way it is definitely a gripping book. Written
was seen as something powerful and spiritual. The idea of in the form of a diary and letters, Stoker writes the book
womanly power came from her ability to bleed in old pagan as if it is a collection of reports giving the book an edge of
beliefs, Dracula being an ancient creature, may be Stoker’s realism. However this report style of writing does however
way of showing this. Other symbolism shown here is the leave the character of Dracula two-dimensional. He is only
garlic, used in medicines in the past for period pains, the really shown as an individual at the beginning of the book
crucifix – the fact that the Christian religion oppresses the in Transylvania, when Jonathan Harker travels to his castle.
feminine power by seeing women as a soul-less creature; of a Victorian lady. Dracula is interpreted as a personification In the rest of the book he is just a monster, a horrible shape
parallel to the idea that vampires are also soulless creatures. of sex; wild, seductive, dangerous and above all evil. He is shifting, blood sucking nocturnal creature. He remains
This book was written in the 19th century, a time of social a devil, a demon, identifying with the Christian/Victorian mysterious and horrific, and this story is really and truly
oppression and sexual frustration, denial and double ideal of sex. Dracula speaks to us on a deep level on our a horror/mystery. However the moment in this book that
standards. Women were put on pedestals and seen to be deepest desires and fears. Did Stoker use this book as way of shocked me the most was that of Lucy’s death; when she
either angels or whores. The girls in the book are innocent putting across this subliminal message? becomes a vampire. Stoker knew how to induce suspense
and good, yet when they encounter Dracula their wild and But the Dracula novel was not just inspired by sexuality, and fear, which he does perfectly when Van Helsing and the
passionate side is unleashed. When Lucy dies and becomes it was also based on a true life character. Vlad Szepes was a others are in the cemetery looking for the living dead girl;
a vampire she is reborn as a woman with power, she is Transylvanian aristocrat in the 15th century, no more than a an almost seductive horror. It is definitely a book to get your
transformed into almost an animal; the opposite to the ideal blood thirsty warrior who served in the brotherhood of the teeth (or should I say fangs) into.

Spirits Of The Dead

Edgar Allen Poe
Pain By Katy Saunders
When you feel pain, how does it feel to you?
Thy soul shall find itself alone Does your heart ache with longing,
‘Mid dark thoughts of the grey tomb-stone – With hatred, with sorrow?
Not one, of all the crowd, to pry Does your heart fill with overwhelming grief,
Into thine hour of secrecy: With a sense that it was not meant to be,
With a fear that it never will?
Be silent in that solitude,
Which is not loneliness – for then Or, does your heart fill with rage?
The spirits of the dead who stood Does the pain cut through you as a knife would,
In life before thee, are again Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish –
As it sliced up your pitiless body
In death around thee – and their will Now are visions ne’er to vanish –
With its catatonic soul?
Shall overshadow thee: be still. From thy spirit shall they pass
Have you realised that you were not
No more – Like dew-drops from the grass.
meant to be,
The night – tho’ clear- shall frown- And is that your pain?
And the stars shall look not down. The breeze – the breath of God –is still –
From their high thrones in the heaven, And the mist upon the hill
Nothing is meant to be.
With their red orbs, without beam, Shadowy- shadowy- yet unbroken,
To thy weariness shall seem Is a symbol and a token-
As a burning and a fever How it hangs upon the tree,
Which would cling to thee for ever. A mystery of mysteries! -
30 October 2003 THEATRE 19

Madam Bovery: Breakfast With Emma

Chris Hunter takes a stroll down to the Yvonne Arnaud, and is impressed with the contrasting juxtapo-
sition of depression laced with “wedges of humour”.

Madame Bovary is set in just one rather marriage in the small country village, she
plush room of a house, with a politely does meet a couple of men that she falls
set dinner table ready for breakfast. The totally for, and ends up getting in huge
theme of the story is rather morbidly about debt from buying them gifts.
suicide, although the sharedexperience As we get more into the story line we
theatre company were able to bring in find out that although Emma thought that
wedges of humour to stop the audience no one else knew about her relationships,
becoming too depressed. in fact the whole town did know – and
The main characters are: to make matters worse for Mr Bovary,
- A grave digger who comes to bring the the whole town was laughing and
post, pitying him for blindly loving his wife
- A housekeeper/maid who looks after the all along. Emma continually threatens
kid and makes the breakfast to commit suicide to make things
- The Bovary’s child, a rather spoilt little easier for Mr Bovary, and all through
girl who only appears in the story for the the story he forgives her at every new
first 10 minutes, before being sent to her revelation. At the end though, when the
grandparents so not to be in the way true magnitude of Emma’s love affairs
- Mr Bovary, a country doctor and very and the 8,000Franc debt he now owes
traditional bread winning husband who the bank is revealed, Emma runs up the
totally does not understand the female of stairs to stuff herself full of arsenic and
the species! the Maid asks Mr Bovary if it was at this
- Finally Madame Bovary, who has some point that he should run upstairs after
real issues! He starts prying, and gradually Emma reveals more and Emma and stop her…
To summarise the whole story in two paragraphs, Mr more about what she has been up to behind her huspands Instead he gets up and slowly shuts the door, and the
Bovary comes down to breakfast and sits down as normal back. While Mr Bovary loves Emma as a husband is meant audience is forever more wondering if Emma really did take
to eat. Madame Bovary (Emma) then comes down and starts to, it is all on the surface, and what Emma really desires is the arsenic, or did Mr Bovary know Emma more than we
asking whether her husband would miss her if she was dead. the truly, madly, deeply love of fairytales. Over her years of thought and knew she would chicken out?

The Deep Blue Sea

Providing his usual cynical view on love and life in general, Chris Ward
reviews a performance based upon the inevitable endurance of pain.

Set in 50s London, The Deep Blue Sea by only substance. (Walter) listens to his words of advice. Pack’s
Terrence Rattigan is a deep exploration of An excellent performance is given by the main character is something to look up to – someone
how we face obstacles in the world, and either actors. As noted in previous reviews of this who has endured the shame and the pain of
move on, or die. It is a perfect example of the play, the current actors have the unique talent ridicule. Walter similarly performs her character
typical cliched phrase, “if it doesn’t kill us, it’ll of making the audience empathise with all the with a height of eloquence, portraying the pain
only make us stronger”. The curtain opens to characters, swinging the pendulum of sympathy and suffering of life, with a cynical and sarcastic
us revealing darkness with the sound of waves and disgust in many different directions. Roger overtone. Her analysis of suicide seemed to be a
crashing against a shore, it is then that the Lloyd Pack (of whom you may remember as logical one. As is pointed out later, she does not
audience realises that the play is indeed not Owen in The Vicar of Dibley, and Trigger in want to kill herself as a way out, she wants to kill
set anywhere near the sea, yet the presence Only Fools and Horses) seemingly plays his herself because she feels she has no worth in the
of a looming dark depth is always present as usual typecast character at the opening, yet twists world, that the “flame” of life has burnt out. In
Rattigan explores the satisfying yet painful the perception round as the play progresses. The her own words, “When you’re caught between
accomplishment of finding a way through life. subtext of his character, a former shamed doctor, the devil and the deep blue sea, the deep blue sea
The play opens with the attempted suicide is later revealed during the play, as Hester can sometimes look very inviting”.
of Hester Colyer (Harriet Walter), ironically
foiled by the fact she forgot to put another 10
shillings in the gas meter. Smashing the cliché “Taking Sides” - Showing at the Yvonne Arnaud, Guildford from Monday
of romantic love, Hester is haunted by love, and
feels sexually dissatisfied with her lover, Freddie 3rd - Saturday 8th November.
Page (Robert Portal). She is emotionally and
sexually unstable, and her feelings seem almost From the Oscar-winning writer of The Pianist, playwright Ronald Harwood recently won an Oscar for the screenplay of the film
tangible to the audience when accompanied The Pianist.
with the dark and threatening colours of blue “A taut chilling drama… Riveting… Witty… stirs one with a powerful indignation” (Financial Times)
high above the scenery, along with the sound of Willhelm Furtwangler was one of the outstanding orchestral conductors of his generation. The focus of this gripping play, a huge
the waves, crashing. The image of the sea, it’s hit in the West End and on Broadway, are the accusations of Furtwangler’s Nazi collusion and his interrogation by the American
power, provides a reminder of life’s devastating section of the De-Nazification Tribunal at the end of WW2. Little is known of this group; what is known is that Furtwangler was
inevitability, and how the laws of cruelty discard humiliated and pursued and, even after his acquittal, disinformation followed him.
“happily ever after”, and forcefully drags the Was this justified? That depends on THE SIDE YOU TAKE.
audience into a world where painful reality is the
20 INTERACTIVE 30 October 2003

Quote Quiz by Dave Tucker &

Ben Berryman

And now for something completely different! Match up the quote down the left hand side with the quotee from the list on the right hand
side. Couldn’t be easier. The answers, as ever, are opposite, under Rawson’s Creek.
Matt Adams is back, not with a random
fact, but a random photo. For those of you
1. I realise we’re in Los Angeles, a city that lacks integrity and moral value, but you would Bill Clinton who weren’t aroound last year for Eye Spy,
rather cheer a porn star over me? What is wrong with you people? the general idea is that you idenitify where
on campus the random image is taken from.
2. If I wasn’t so sure you were a lesbian, I’d say you were coming on to me. Peter Griffin
It’s a pretty easy one to start us off.... stand
3. I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception. Margaret Thatcher by for the answer next week!

4. They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of
course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head. Chandler Bing
5. For a time I considered sparing the wretched planet Cybertron, but now, you shall Ian Rush
witness its dismemberment

6. In my country we go to prison first, then become president. Groucho Marx

7. “There’s just no such thing as truth when it comes to him. He just says whatever sounds Nelson Mandela
good and worries about it after the election”

8. Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t Kurt Angle
Let us know what you think
9. ‘I couldn’t settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.’ Unicron of the Interactive Page...
10. You know what’s weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out ... email
of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about? Edmund Blackadder

bfpub quiz Word Search

1 What type of creature is a guillemot?
This week Deputy Editor and Interactive-wiz Ben Berryman brings us a random selection
of things found in a campus kitchen - and it’s not necessarily all food or kitchen implements,

Bill Beaumont was a famous name in which sport during the 1970s and 1980s?
so lateral thinking is the key!

Do you do the wordsearch in your Friday morning lecture and think “I could do that!”? Well
then, what are you waiting for? Email your 20 words across to, and
In the title of a famous book, what kind of creature is Tarka?
sit back and wait for them to appear in the next paper. Only problem is you’ll know all the

answers then. Damn.
What is a bream?
Hoi polloi is a derogatory term for whom? X X K J M I C R O W A V E R Y

6 The
T he British dependency of Gibraltar is joined by land to which other country?
7 What was the name of the character played by Julia Sawalha in ‘Absolutely Fabulous’? A
8What is the name of the snack made from pieces of pork skin?

9 In which sport does a player ‘address’ the ball?

10 The chalky cliffs of Beachy Head look out over which body of water?

Upsidedown answers to everything in the Interactive section, are

at the bottom of page 21. L H U S B A J N O R I N O J X
If the bf pub quiz has whetted your appetite for something more
‘real’, then grab your mates and toddle along to Chancellor’s at C C O O K E R N K P A S W H A
8.30pm on Thursday night and pit your wits against the resident
quizmaster, Chris ‘Funkyberry’ Hunter, at the weekly
Chancellor’s Challenge. The answers to this week’s wordsearch are at the bottom of page 21, underneath Rawson’s Creek.
30 October 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

The lyrics Quiz

The Lyrics Quiz this week is courtesy of Pete ‘Mr. Tea’ Tivers, copresenter of the J-Team
Classic show - every Thursday night from 7 only on 1350am GU2!
Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random
slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Think you can write the lyrics/slogan/anything else quiz? Email
Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the Students’ Union...
1 “Take me as I am - take my life, I would give it all I would sacrifice”
THERE ARE LOTS of condoms in my office. THIS WEEK, FOR once, I have no shortage
Boxes of them, in fact. Now, I thought at all for what to write. As you may read in 2 “You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got”
that condoms normally came in discreet this edition we kinda went on this little walk
little wrappers, but these ones are entirely thing around London village with a few 3 “Maybe get a blister on your little finger; maybe get a blister on your thumb”
different. Each one (yes, each condom
as opposed to each set) comes in its own
other students. I didn’t do much chanting,
although I found it all rather too easy to get
4 “Early morning, April 4, Shot rings out in the Memphis sky”

“Strapped in the chair of the city’s gas chamber, why I’m here I can’t quite
little box, with a detailed instruction leaflet, carried away and start shouting “FEES NOT 5 remember”
complete with humourous headings. ‘After GRANTS!!”. Our president Pete and best-
rising to the occasion...’ heads the entire
leaflet, following with several more ‘witty’
mate Mental’s jovial banter was keeping
all around amused, and they found various
6 “So when the night falls, my lonely heart calls”

(note the sarcasm) titles. ‘What to do after other chants in response to ones that people 7 “She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene”
the deed’ was the main one that jumped out were chanting. For example “Education
at me... needless to say, the condoms appear should be free!!” replaced by “KFC should 8 “You’re so fine and you’re mine, I’ll be yours ‘till the end of time”
to be from some dodgy far eastern company, be free!!”.
and I think the translations are even more THE noise was amazing, and there were 9 “Each time you leave me I start losing control; you’re walking away with my heart
and my soul”
dodgy.... so many people that you just could not take
THIS weekend it hit me that Christmas it in. Despite the obese number of people 10 “So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye, so you think you can love me
and leave me to die”
really is just around the corner... well, at the march, the NUS training events the
in the views of the million and one toy sabbaticals went on over the summer paid
retailers it is, anyway. Whilst watching off as the whole day we kept bumping into
some rather terrible Saturday morning TV sabbaticals from other universities. A lot of
[so terrible that it’s completely slipped my people had gone to a real effort to make
mind what on earth it was], I noticed that banners and learn chants for the march,
every single advert in the breaks was for but they were mostly made up of lots of
some hideously expensive ‘mummy-can-i- 4-letter words and the name of our beloved
have-that-please-please-please?’ toy. There “Downing Street Dictator”.
were Micromachines that can go upside- THE only real issue I have with the march
down, Barbie toys ‘from her latest movie’ was that someone had the great idea of
(Barbie can act?!) and of course the crying, holding the march in the middle of London
talking and weeing babies that definitely on a Sunday. This meant that for the day
This week I am mostly … wondering how long I can hang
didn’t exist when I was young. Sometimes we became London’s largest mobile tourist
onto my job following threats of a P45 from a small precocious
I look forward to the time I’ll have kids, but attraction! Even the chosen location for the
I think I’m going to be of the ‘give them a ending speeches was carefully selected so
cardboard box to play with and they’ll be that Trafalgar Square’s most permanent and
Twice a week I play piano for ballet lessons at a local primary
happy’ parental ilk! prominent resident had his back turned to
school. Before you all start cooing in unison, whilst there
LAST week I did my first semi-proper radio the stage!
may seem nothing cuter than twenty four-year-olds in pink
show (drum roll). After realising that GU2 AFTER the speeches we all went to the
tutus flying round the school hall like fairies, it’s not all plain
was on SBN (Student Braodcast Network) Leicester Square McDonalds, where myself,
sailing – projectile vomit, tears and the odd fistfight [believe me, bitchiness in all-girl
in the middling of the morning, Scott Famer Scott, Jess, Pete and Chops waited in the
schools begins in Reception] are all par of the course. The perks most definitely outweigh
(of DAVE fame) and I decided to take a brief freezing cold for aaggeess while the others
these traumas though – there’s nothing like a chorus of “Thank you Miss Catherine” whilst
‘break’ from the hectic life of the Union to all feasted in the warm (they told us they
they perform a synchronized curtsey at the end of class to make it all seem worthwhile,
present our first joint (and very impromptu) were going in to pick up the food!). Finally
and their wide-eyed innocence never ceases to keep me entertained. With Halloween
show... One of our links involved talking they came out, and before we left we were
approaching, we’ve been doing some role-play – witches, broomsticks, cauldrons and the
about Britney Spears’ stalker suing her, accosted by some guy who had too much
like. Imaginations were working overtime to think of the nastiest, grisliest, squelchiest
and I commented that maybe I should stalk life on his hands.
ingredients for our magic potions… worms… spiders…mud…goo… and er… curtains
Britney, so I could sue her and get some ALTHOUGH someone pointed out today
all went into the mix. Trouble was, they just weren’t listening to the music. Then came
money. Scott then asked me what i’d do if “1million people marched through London
the fateful question. “Girls, why is Miss Catherine here?”. Twenty hands shot straight up
she said yes to me.... and I had to admit that against the war, and still the government
into the air and the class simultaneously stopped breathing as they jumped around on their
I really would turn Britney Spears down, in went to war” I really hope that our efforts
tiptoes, trying to get the teacher’s attention. My stomach was a field of butterflies, I didn’t
the completely hypothetical world that she will have paid off, and all the MPs back in
want to hear it, I didn’t want this moment of truth to ever arrive. The chore of answering
‘wanted’ me! their constituencies will have watched us on
fell on five-year-old Abby, blissfully unaware of the emotional significance [for someone
OH yes, by the way - the aforementioned TV while eating their Sunday roasts.
as sensitive as myself] of what she was about to say. You see, Abby and I are friends,
condoms aren’t actually my personal
we’ve had conversations about dinosaurs and Robin Hood and everything. I had an ally
supply - they’re from the welfare office for
chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter here… “Because she’s easier than a tape recorder?”. That was it, it was out there now.
distribution to all and sundry. So, remember
She couldn’t unsay it and I, well… I couldn’t stop giggling behind the piano. How the
kids, play safely, and pop into the Media
teacher managed to maintain a straight face eludes me. I still fail miserably. A discussion
Centre if you need any help on that front.... ‘ickle sarah butterworth
on the appropriate undergarments to wear under their ballet attire led to one tiny ballerina
Rush, 10 Chandler Bing declaring “But Mrs.Blackley, my mummy doesn’t like me taking my knickers off”. No I
Marx,4 Edmund Blackadder, 5 Unicron, 6 Nelson Mandela, 7 Bill Clinton, 8 Margaret Thatcher, 9 Ian bet she doesn’t. On that occasion, I found myself chuckling just like one of them would
Turner, 10 Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen | Quote Quiz: 1 Kurt Angle, 2 Peter Griffin, 3 Groucho after hearing a naughty word like “poo” or “willy”.
- Whitney Houston, 7 Billie Jean - Michael Jackson, 8 Like A Virgin – Madonna, 9 The Best - Tina I’m smarting this week though. Sophie announced that maybe I wouldn’t need to come
Of Love) - U2, 5 Paradise City - Guns ‘n’ Roses, 6 I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)
back next week. Apparently, she can now play both Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Jelly
on a Plate so she’d be playing for the lessons from now on. There was something about the
Adams, 2 Livin’ On A Prayer - Bon Jovi, 3 Money For Nothing - Dire Straits, 4 Pride (In The Name
saucepan, sponge, tea towel, toaster, wok | lyrics quiz: 1 (Everything I Do) I Do It For You - Bryan
cooker, fairy liquid, fork, freezer, fridge, iron, liquidizer, microwave, mould, padlock, late, rubbish, evil glint in her eye that really has me worried.
6 Spain, 7 Saffron, 8 Scratchings, 9 Golf, 10 English Channel | wordsearch: barefacts, beer, bowl,
upsidedown answers: bf pub quiz: 1 Bird, 2 Rugby Union, 3 Otter, 4 Freshwater fish, 5 The masses, Catherine Lee
20 LIFESTYLE 30 October 2003

by psychic sandy and David

Libra Capricorn Aries Cancer

All you Librans on the Fake tans and porcelain The planets seem to Pinch pinch. There
floor, let me see you veneers may make you have been pulling you go your little nippers
dance! All you Librans look like a Hollywood towards that law school snapping at all the
wanting more, let me movie star, but we all lot lately, but you freshers’ booties yet
see you dance! This know you’re a fake. haven’t been making again. Don’t you
week, you’ll feel the beat from the tip of Wipe that grin off your face and do some the most of it…bumping and grinding Cancerians have any shame at all! It’s time
your toes running through your veins. My serious begging…or you’re not coming to Guildford’s hottest nitespot on Thursday to put those pincers away and pull out those
my, we pity all you Britney wannabes – but my party. nights seems to be on the cards, but just pens as deadlines are approaching.
there’s only one! remember, Arians, you’re not in Girls
Aquarius Aloud. Leo
Scorpio Having been incredibly Sugar cubes,
Birthday time is shocked and overawed Taurus Courvoisier and
coming! The planets by the frankly Do you believe in Cristal are definitely
wanna lick, lick, lick, overwhelming image GHD? Obviously not, gonna put a rocket up
lick, lick you from your of Othello over the as your recent frolics your arse this Bonfire
head to your toes – oy weekend, you’re feeling not just a little in the undergrowth by night. Remember remember, the fifth of
oy sailor. Well, funny that sailors should faint. Don’t worry though, there’s always the lake have led you November, as well as that guy you pulled at
crop up, what with the Spanish Armada the Swedish sauna boys…wooo! to sporting a moorhens nest instead of your The Drink on Monday, the pikey you pulled
docking at your port last weekend, bringing usual coiffed ‘do. at Time on Thursday and that minger at 80s
with them plenty of pleasure and South Pisces Flirt!!
African sausage. Portable first aid kits Gemini
and Barbie plasters Bum-skimming black Virgo
Sagittarius won’t heal those mini-skirts, fabulous Birthdays, Halloween
Marks & Sparks wounds inflicted when MAC make-up and and Christmas are
chocolate milk is you are savaged by a brummie lassies coming! Ho ho ho!
flavour of the week Leo, nipped by a Cancerian, and butted have been playing Well, as you well
right now, which is by an Aries. In short, you’ll be looking an important part of your singleton life. know, it isn’t really a
pretty handy since you like a nun that’s just rolled down the stairs However all will change this weekend, laughing matter, so perhaps a little visit to
most definitely aren’t. At the moment you backwards. Pull an Aqua move and call Dr what with Halloween fast approaching, and the Hardship Fund could well solve all your
are the Cava of the champagne world, so Jones as you find that life in plastic isn’t a song-writing hunk dressed as a fiendish financial woes. Oh Oh! You’re in trouble,
ditch that Attitude (magazine), learn some really all that fantastic after all. ghoul should fulfil all your sordid fantasies. but tell us, what’s come along and burst
moves and get a trout-pout! your bubble?

- Personals -
It’s very simple, really. All you need to do is wait for your friends (or yourself) to do something silly, amusing or just downright strange, and then find
yourself a computer or indeed a scrap of paper if technology isn’t your thing). is the email address, ‘Personals’ is the email subject,
and then all you need to do is sit back and wait for the next issue of barefacts, and the look of horror on your friends’ faces...

these computers are crap!!!!! Shake that booty! Jo, you are the reason I get up in the morning ..... (cos fetish on - particularly the
you kick me out of bed)! pregnant scottish guy, the hobbit and the guy with
Marc: I just don’t want cuddles tonight Matt. I’m not really on a power trip - the keys have a hold elvis glasses and a dead
over me... I love you ... chicken! Hehe ... x Sully, have you had any more run-ins with horny
Matt: Its called 99 because that’s how long it is. ostriches recently?
Does Tony Blair really have a wonky willy? QM: Which 3 countries border Lake Victoria?
‘I am the extension king’ NC: (to MA) You ought to know that, it’s in America... shall we line the vibrators up along the windowsill
Funkyberry is so cute, gorgeous and very sexy. xxxxx Dumbass Hobbit! then?
JMB...I just thought i would let U know and the world
know that U are a fine Yes basketball girls, you are all very sexy ladies!! Well Shopping list for Sarah: Disinfectant, Large sofa, and Hey Sexy, remember rabbits are good for the soul,
specimen of a man...U are certainly the most done on the win! new telly. they are filled with good vibrations!
gorgeous, most talented and
most intelligent person i have ever had the pleasure paint is fit tim you fat bastard - loose some weight, the belly is P: I REALLY AM SHY - Although it doesn’t really come
of knowing...Oh and I going to take over the world out in photos, does it?
know U how U like leather sofas, stairs, kitchen work Love you, my gorgeous! xx Oh well, you’ll just have to take my word for it! You’re
tops and your parents Chops f*cked three beautiful women... apparently! awesome, JMBx
shower....U have been a busy boy! Wink Wink Px Neil’s directions to the pub: Go down the road that I
used to walk down when I was 5, turn left at the shop Bigs, you rock my world beware of the strange noises in pizzaman....
You having a good time with Neil? Well, you should my dad used to work at, cross next to the bus shelter
see what he’s doing to me now! where I first had a snog, down the road my sister hurt My house mate has herpes who’s pulling your pubes?!
her knee on and it’s on your left next to my ex’s house.
mole on his head. Thanks for the great road trip. Rach. xx Rach the best has won the treble - hearts, solitare and Beware the roads of Guildford! Caroline has passed
free cell her test! Muchos congratualtions from The Park Barn
Bring back BAR PRIDE it keeps the continuity of team Who cares what the score was its the continuity that Massive
drinking, Ta counts! Has anyone seen Vic’s unbothered face?!
I’m too busy to write this personal!!
Women’s Rugby would like to give a big hand to i love you puddels even tho your not much of a To the guy who got his funky brown ‘about a boy’
Women’s Basketball who won on wednesday, Well trained seal style hat nicked at the union I’m busy!
played ladies see you in the union I expect. last Wednesday night by 2 crazeeeee scary girls - we
I’m finding it hard to resist Chris’ magic powers..... are v.v. sorry. Its at happy birthday maisie lots of love sandy and david
Hey Sexy K, remember to keep the hole alive! the union reception in lost property if u want it back. xxx
Why did u get rid of the magic mole. I’ve lost my Also sorry to any
Oi Oi Sweetboy! You’re still looking as sexy as ever! magic learning powers! other people who we inflicated our drunken hat I’m wearing big pants alright?!!!
30 October 2003 SPORT 23

Tim Goodman meets Alec Stewart

Tim Goodman from the GU2 Sports Show interviews Alec Stewart before his signing at WHSmiths, and has a brief
discussion about his achievements and plans for the future.
What are your plans now you’ve retired? As a kid, you were obviously influenced internationals this year and performed well. and breathe cricket. Every country you
I’m looking broaden my outlook on the by your father (a former Test cricketer Now all its gong to be is going up a level go to is a new experience and you meet
working world having spent 20 years as a himself), who were your other influences to international cricket and gaining the new people you learn about their cultures
cricketer. The easy option may have been as your career progressed? experience and making sure he produces etc. That’s the good side of cricket but the
to go into coaching or the cricket media Geoff Arnold, the former Surrey and the right results. Both him and Geraint downside is the length of time we spend
but I’m going to join a sports management England opening bowler was also my coach Jones will be doing their best, which is away from home.
company and also I’ll be doing 30-0 days at Surrey and had a big influence. Duncan what they’ve always done, but at the same
with Surrey (my former county) on the PR Fletcher, England coach in recent times, time you have to take the rough with the Having played for so long, what do you
and marketing side of the club. has taken my game forward even at the smooth and realise that it isn’t every day think are the major changes in the game
age of 35 that goes to show you never stop you score a hundred or take 5 catches since your debut?
Being a big Chelsea fan, what did learning. A fellow called Kevin Gartrell and it’s how you react in adversity that’s From a purely cricket point of view, the
you think of the Chelsea game at the who was my coach when I used to spend important. fitness levels have increased. Most teams
weekend? my winters in Australia. now have fitness coaches to ensure this.
I suppose my language better stay polite What was your most memorable With that go improvements with running
hadn’t it? We always go to arsenal and Which players in the modern game do international game? between the wickets and fielding becoming
never turn them over do we? One error you admire? There’s been a few in my time haven’t much quicker and more athletic. It’s a much
from Cudechini who’s been the best To be honest, I admire anyone who goes there? I guess from an individual point of quicker game sine I started in 1981.
goalkeeper in the premiership for the past into professional sport. Especially those view it would be the Barbados test match in
few seasons, as a keeper, be it a wicket who play at the top level because it requires 94 when I scored the twin hundreds in that What interests do you have outside the
keeper or goal keeper, your mistakes are a lot of hard work and dedication. I guess game. From a team point of view it would game?
highlighted and unfortunately that cost Graham Gooch is the one player I’ve be when I captained England at Headingley Chelsea football club, spending time with
Chelsea the game. As long as we’re ahead admired or respected more than anyone against South Africa in 98 to win that my family and I’ve just taken up golf.
of Arsenal at the end of the season, I don’t else I’ve played with or against. There’s series and it was the first 5 test match series
mind. so many though, Steve Waugh, Brian England had won for 13 years. Well, thanks for your time Alec.
Lara, Sachin Tendulkar, I could go on but No worries at all
Did you enjoy writing the Graham is the one I’ve admired more than What were your favourite places to tour
autobiography? any other. and your favourite grounds? If you have any sporting topics you would
Yeah, I did it through the winter when Favourite ground has always been like to discuss, listen to the sports show on
we were in Australia and then during the What do you think is the biggest Lords weather its full up with 32,000 or 1350AM GU2 every Thursday between
world cup in South Africa. It bought back challenge facing England’s two new even if it’s empty it has it’s own special 1pm and 4pm.
some good memories, just to go through wicket keepers in taking over form atmosphere as it’s the home of cricket and
your own life sounds a bit boring but was someone with your experience? its certainly been a lucky ground for me. If you would like to
actually quite interesting re living certain You’ve answered it really; it’s gaining the I’ve got a lot of good friends in Australia write about your club’s
things and I’m very happy with the way it’s experience. Chris Read has already had a form my time playing grade cricket out achievements, contact the
come out as well. taste of international cricket about 4 years there and the West Indies, both tough places Sports Editor, Pete Nichols,
ago and has come back into the one-day to play but away from that the people live on

BUSA Results | 22 October 2003 BUSA Fixtures | 5 November 2003

Mens Womens Mens Squash
UCL 1st vs SURREY 1st
Badminton Badminton Badminton Sussex 1st vs SURREY 2nd
SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st 0-0 W0 Reading 1st vs SURREY 1st 8-1 SURREY 1st vs Brunel 1st
Imperial 2nd vs SURREY 2nd 0-0 W0 SURREY 2nd vs Kent 2nd
Basketball Womens
SURREY 1st vs Royal Holloway 1st 57-45 Basketball
LSE 1st vs SURREY 1st Badminton
London Met 1st vs SURREY 1st 75-38
Football SURREY 1st vs Imperial 1st
Fencing Kingston 1st vs SURREY 1st 0-1
Sussex 1st vs SURREY 1st Basketball
SURREY 1st vs Essex 1st 126-97
Hockey SURREY 1st vs Kingston 1st
Football SURREY 1st vs Chichester 1st 2-0
SURREY 1st vs LSE 1st Football
SURREY 1st vs Imperial Medics 1st 4-0 Kingston 3rd vs SURREY 3rd
SURREY 2nd vs Sussex 3rd 3-1 Netball Sussex 3rd vs SURREY 3rd
Brighton 4th vs SURREY 2nd
Portsmouth 4th vs SURREY 3rd 4-0 SURREY 1st vs Kings 1st 29-20
Chichester 3rd vs SURREY 5th Hockey
SURREY 4th vs SURREY 5th 0-3 SURREY 2nd vs Portsmouth 3rd 30-39
SURREY 4th vs Sussex 4th Imperial Medics 1st vs SURREY 1st
Golf Rugby Union Golf
Imperial 1st vs Surrey 1st 78-0 Netball
SURREY 1st vs Royal Holloway 1st 4-2 SURREY 1st vs UWI 1st St. George’s Hosp 1st vs SURREY 1st
SURREY 2nd vs St. Mary’s 2nd
Rugby Union Hockey
SURREY 1st vs Brighton 1st 0-22 for more fixtures and St. George’s Hosp 1st vs SURREY 1st Rugby Union
results visit: Royal Holloway 2nd vs SURREY 2nd Roehampton 1st vs SURREY 1st
LSE 1st vs SUIRREY 1st 0-5 Rugby Union Squash
SURREY 2nd vs Imperial 2nd 3-0 Sussex 1st vs SURREY 1st SURREY 1st vs Guy’s 1st
24 SPORT 30 October 2003

Windsurfers Hit the Sea in Style
BY GEMMA BLOCK the guidance of the RYA National Race coach, Helen
Cartwright. Surrey was well represented with good results
The student windsurfing association’s festival aka Aussie from Andy Benstock, Will Brown and Ben Hipwell.
Kiss set the 2003/2004 series off to a kicking start last As usual at student windsurfing events a party is essential
weekend with the biggest UK windsurfing event this year. and dressing up even more so. The theme here was Rolf
500 students from literally all corners of the Country met Harris, which brought about a shortage of cotton wool in
in Weymouth where their prayers were answered with Weymouth to make the beards, as well as much drinking,
winds between forces 5 and 7 constant all weekend. A limbo dancing, and the predictable void in memory
great turn out for our new club, 16 guys and gals from afterwards. Nursing hangovers we somehow made it back
Surrey- including 11 brave beginners who made the trip to the bay Sunday morning, to be met by even more severe
down on Friday evening ready for an early start. By 9am winds. Unfortunately this resulted in the cancellation of
Saturday we were down on Portland Bay, checking out the beginner lessons but provided an entertaining freestyle
the water and joining the crowds in the manic rigging. competition from the advanced guys, with many attempting
The first event of this year; its aim was to promote impressive ‘vulcan’ jumps, following tuition from
student windsurfing, provide taster lessons for all those windsurfing pro John Hibbard.
new to the sport while offering tuition and handy tip The weekend proved a successful introduction to the
sessions to those of all other standards. Over 200 complete years racing events in which I’m sure Surrey will do well
beginners took part and, once wetsuits were on the right in all 3 divisions of windsurfing. The next event will be
way round, took on the choppy water and crazy winds at Cardiff over the weekend 1/2nd November, where there
with admirable determination using the smallest sails will be racing for advance, intermediates and fun racing
that could be found. Over 200 successfully returned to for beginners. Anyone who would like to go or join the
shore! On the other hand, the advanced league rigged up windsurfing club contact me, or
huge 7.5m2 sails and, much overpowered, raced under andy,

SPORTS PROFILE Surrey Skiers Kick off the Racing Season

Name: Martin Page BY CHRIS HUNTER
Age: 21
Sport(s): Cricket & Squash The first ski race of the season and Surrey
Nicknames: Pagey, Worthers, Batfink, put up two mixed teams and a ladies team.
Symbols, Social Handgrenade, Ray We usually train at Wycombe Summit dry-
Most Embarrassing Sporting ski slope on Monday nights, and so when
Moment: Taking a stumping, screaming we arrived at 4:30pm on Saturday it was
like a girl and then realising I missed the interesting to see what the place looked like
stumps! outside the reaches of the floodlights we are
Sporting Idols: Ray Dent, Steve used to seeing.
Redgrave The dual slalom course was initially set-up
Other Pastimes: Drinking & sleeping, so close that there were several very close
drinking & not remembering, squash, shaves during practice, and before racing
sailing and the ‘spicy chicken combo’ started the poles were moved further apart.
The plug: Cricket training is on Basically the way that racing works is that
Sundays at 5:30-7:30 at UniSport there are two slalom courses side by side, at least one ski, then attempt to attach this but the viewing pleasure comes when you
and each team races in relay. There are ski to their feet (which is made harder by watch them both trying to scramble back up
really only three rules: the gradient of the slope, and the fact that the slope to go round the pole they missed. It
they probably lost their poles in the fall), helps that snowboarders tend to have a lack
1. You cannot start until the previous team then having to both run back up the slope of co-ordination anyway
member has crossed the finish line, to go round the poles they missed, and then Both teams did quite well, and some of
2. You must go round ALL the poles, ski the rest of the course on 1 or 2 skis while the team lost their racing virginity. In the
3. You must cross the finish line with a avoiding any stray skis/poles. end Surrey 2 came 10th and Surrey 1 came
minimum of one ski. They also have snowboarding races, and 7th. I must just add that the team who came
if you thought the ski crashes were funny, first (Hertfordshire Uni) had a fresher in
Rule 1 is just procedure, but rules 2 and you should see snowboarding crashes. their team who is in the England Ski Racing
3 are where the most excitement arises. For Snowboarder’s feet don’t usually come Academy…oh, and she brought along her
example, if skiers from both teams crash off when they fall, so they don’t have the younger sister to race for them too, and she
out, then a mad dash ensues to first locate problem of having to re-apply their board, also is in the Academy!

The Sports Show on GU2

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