Thursday 20 November 2003

Published by the USSU Communications Office issue number 1069 free

A mega three page Comment section for you to have your say on the University, Union and life in general...
Comment| pages 4 - 6


I N T H I S W E E K ’ S PA P E R

Sports Editor Pete Nichols brings us a three page sports extravaganza with all the latest from sports clubs, BUSA and Quantum Fitness at UniSport.
Sports | pages 22 - 24


COMMENT | Paul Sanderson tells us all about being a ‘Northern Monkey’ | page 4 INTERACTIVE | Matt Adams and Ben Berryman, entertain you | page 19 DAVE | Find out what’s going on with the amazing DAVE Project | page 9

USSU and DAVE Lead the Way
BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH EDITOR IN CHIEF THERE SEEMS TO be no stopping the DAVE Project at USSU, with the ever diverse courses that it offers to students at UniS. In the last few weeks over 200 students have participated in ‘Senior Resident Essentials’ and ‘Programme Rep Essentials’, run in two huge evening sessions in the new Management School. It is the first time that such training sessions have been attempted on such a large scale, and according to the students who attended, the events were a resounding success. Up until last year Programme Representatives (previously known as Course Reps) have had no formal training, or been aware of the support that is available to them outside their department. Senior Residents, a long standing tradition at Surrey, previously had smaller training sessions run for them within their courts, but never had the opportunity to meet other Senior Residents from different courts, or find out about the resources that can help them out in their job as Senior Residents. Since its inception just over a year ago, the DAVE Project has grown from strength to strength, under the leadership of Scott Farmer, USSU’s Membership Services Co-ordinator. It is widely recognised that with more and more people leaving University with degrees, it is increasingly more competitive in the job market. By attending DAVE sessions, students are gaining valuable employability skills, as well as meeting new people and learning skills that will help with their degree; everything from time management to how to deal with stress. Students can attend two hour sessions, held in the evenings, afternoons and weekends, to work towards bronze, silver and gold id|: certificates, accreditation recognised by employers once students leave University. A student who attended the Programme Rep training on Monday said that “it made me further understand by role as a course rep” and “it was easy to follow and brought people together in a comfortable and easy going environment”. An important aspect of the DAVE Project sessions, is that they are fun, as opposed to on a par with attending a two hour academic lecture. Sweets and toys are provided, sessions comprise of interactive games, group discussion and question and answer sessions, and participants are provided with feedback and training materials. If you are a Senior Resident or Programme Representative and have not attended a training session as yet, then USSU will be running more session before the end of semester. Senior Resident training is to be held on Wednesday 10th December (venue and time to be confirmed), and Programme Representative training is on Thursday 4th December and Monday 8th December at 4pm, and Wednesday 17th December at 1pm. For more details you should check your email regularly and keep an eye out for advertising around the campus. To sign up for any other DAVE session, pop into the Students’ Union Activities Centre and sign the list at reception.
the management school, location of the mammoth DAVE sessions, with the fountain filled with bubbles on sunday night

photo: chris hunter

York Triumph at Guardian Media Awards
BY PHIL HOWARD NEWS EDITOR YORK VISION (THE York University paper) has taken the Guardian’s best newspaper award at their student media awards. Intrepid reporter Robert Harris, editor of the paper, was named both student reporter of the year and student journalist of the year. The accolades continued with York Vision’s Jon Bentham taking the student travel writer of the year trophy. A panel ranging from the editor of the Guardian to Jonathan Ross judged the awards, many of which were individually sponsored by the likes of EasyJet and Sky News. Trophy-laden Harris “produced a story worthy of any national and had told it with flair and verve, demonstrating excellent reporting skills” said the judges, according to the Guardian. After a day of masterclasses for student journalists, the winners were announced and awarded their prizes - money and much coveted work placements at the Guardian. Other winners were student feature writer of the year Thomas Whipple of the Cambridge Student; student photographer of the year Ryan Li of Oxford’s Cherwell; student publication design of the year went to Hardcore is More Than Music, from Chelsea College of Art and Design. Student website of the year was awarded to Blunt, Cardiff University; at Student Direct (University of Manchester) Steve Pill was named student critic of the year and Ravi Somaiya got student columnist of the year; and The Latymer School’s The Best Years of Your Life was awarded small budget publication of the year. Finally Will White of Student (University of Edinburgh) got student sports writer and the student diversity writer of the year award went to Peter Lahiff of University College Dublin’s The College Tribune. The awards are one of two main student media awards held each year, the alternative being the NUS awards - in which this very newspaper is nominated for Best Campaign (again), for Lights, Camera, Action. By the time the next issue of Barefacts arrives it will all be over.

Letters | page 3

What do Men want? | page 6

Dr Russ | page 7

Visiting the Pub | page 10

Editor in Chief
Sarah Butterworth comms


20 November 2003

Chris Ward cs21cw


Deputy Editor
Neil Christie ms33nc

The Duke Launches Crime Campaign
BY PHILIP HOWARD NEWS EDITOR MASCOT OF STUDENTS across the UK, David Dickinson, has become the new front man for the police campaign to raise student awareness about falling victim to burglars. With the tagline “Don’t let them bag your booty”, ‘The Duke’ is soon to be seen on posters, beermats, door hangers and crime reduction packs on the largest campuses in the UK, as well as appearing in ‘Bargain Boost’, a game available on the Home Office website. Dickinson has long been avidly watched on Bargain Hunt by students throughout the UK, and is returning the favour: “Students have always been my biggest supporters and I’m really pleased to be involved with this campaign to keep them safer.” he said at the launch. “Many students don’t realise how valuable their possessions are. CDs, DVDs, games and electronic goods in an unlocked student house could spell a real bargain to thieves.” Dickinson’s show proved a surprise hit for the BBC, and most surprisingly with students for whom the antique dealer - whose haircut hasn’t changed since 1969 - is something of a universal mascot. Bargain Hunt is now a prime time event (Thursdays at 7 on BBC1). Remember “The Duke says - always lock your doors & windows”.

Law Exam to Invade UK Elite
BY PHIL HOWARD NEWS EDITOR ELITE UK LAW schools are collectively considering the introduction of a nationwide admission test for law at university, in reaction to the failing A-level system. Headed by Oxford, the group includes UCL, Kings College, Bristol, Birmingham and Nottingham. The test would mirror the US’ LSat (American Scholastic Aptitude Test for law students), and has been dubbed LNat (the National Admissions Test for Law) according to the Guardian. Oxford’s director of admissions, Jane Minto, said “Subject specific tests can, alongside interviews, be of vital help in differentiating between candidates who all have top predicted grades, and Oxford is taking a leading role in developing a National Admissions Test for law.” Ms Minto’s counterpart at Cambridge, Dr Geoff Parks, said “We’re definitely interested in investigating further. With the BMat already in place and the thinking skills assessment being piloted, there is a general interest in looking at aptitude tests.” Two possible effects of the introduction of such a test could be that Surrey becomes a more popular ‘backup choice’ for students who fear they may fail the main test, and also that some students may decide to avoid yet more tests and exams and opt for nonparticipating institutions, such as Surrey. The group that does implement the tests, however, are likely to be grouped together as the law elite, at least in the eyes of prospective students. Any universities outside the first group will be allowed to join at a later date, but will have no say over the content of the exams - fears have been raised over the creation of a two-tier system.

Deputy Editor

Ben Berryman ma91bb

Music Editor

Matt Badcock ms01mb

Jon Allen bs21ja

Music Editor

Calling all partygoers! Christmas has definitely come early with he exclusive and fun-filled Malibu® Seriously Easy night on 28th November at USSU. Malibu®, will bring the ‘seriously easy going’ spirit of the Caribbean to all lucky students during the cold winter months. As the nights draw in, the Seriously Easy nights will provide some light-hearted relief for pleasure seeking partygoers. On arrival there will be a free Malibu® & Cranberry, courtesy of the Seriously Easy staff, as well as chances to get two-for-one vouchers through the Seriously Easy photographers. Three lucky barefacts readers can each win a bottle of Malibu®, a Malibu® branded jug and some cranberry juice. To win this seriously easy going prize, simply log on to and find the answer to the following question: What is the name of the Chairman of the Seriously Easy Going Phone Company? Email your answer to by Monday 24th November at 5pm.
For more Malibu® fun and a chance to win some other fantastic prizes including an exclusive holiday for two to the beautifully sun-drenched island of Barbados - visit

Film Editor

Neil Boulton cs21nb

Theatre Editor

Daisy Clay ps21dc

Literature Editor
Jennifer Walker ph21jw

Philip Howard ph02ph

News Editor

Got something you think is newsworthy? Then email it to Phil Howard, at
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editorial Team, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission of the publisher beforehand. All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not be published.

Sports Editor
Peter Nichols cs11pn

Do you have a complaint against this newspaper?
If you have a complaint about any item in this newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, intrusion or discrimination write to our editorial team about it. If you remain dissatisfied please contact the Press Complaints Commission - an independant organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide by their decision.

barefacts notices
Gliding Club EGM | Friday 21st November | 5pm | Committee Room Union Council | Tuesday 2nd December | 6pm | Venue TBC Physics Society AGM | Wednesday 3rd December | 1.10pm | 29BB03 --------------------------------------------------------------------The following societies will be having AGMs in the next few weeks, however the details have not yet been finalised. Please see next week’s barefacts or for time, date and location details for the AGMs for the following societies: Arabic Society | Celtic Society | Indian Society | Juggling Society | Korean Society | Nordic | Oscar Film Unit | Pakistan Society | Turkish Speakers Society | SPSS --------------------------------------------------------------------Amigos and amigas! Show your Latin spirit and come to La Latina Society’s Fiesta on the 27th November in the HRB from 9pm till 2am. Don’t be shythere’ll be good music and raffle prizes of fabulous Latin drinks to be won!

Matt Adams Vicky Bird Shani Crawford Chris Connor Jonathan Darzi Michael da Silva Corin Douieb Scott Farmer Michael Field Matt Fisher Chris Hunter Peter Innes David Jesson Laura Koskenmaki Catherine Lee Amelia Lefroy Carol Main Dina Mystris Paul Sanderson Ed Scott Adriano Silva Sandeep Sohal Arvind Virdee Pete Wigfield

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20 November 2003



Letters to barefacts
Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity |

Dear barefacts, I write in response to John Chiverton’s letter in issue 1068. I do hope that all the points raised in Mr Chiverton’s letter did not arise on a single visit to the bookshop! I also hope that, as a regular customer, Mr Chiverton will continue to use the bookshop and give feedback on areas where he thinks we need to improve. I will deal with all the very fair points he raises but I should start by apologising to him for the frustration he has clearly suffered when dealing with us. It sounds as though Mr Chiverton has had some difficulty finding the books he wants on our shelves. He correctly suggests that our ranges are dominated by books required for reading on courses run at the university. However, we do work very hard to build ranges of books that cover the main text book requirements of students but also provide an

interesting selection of background reading. Unfortunately we suffer from severe space restrictions and I hope he can understand that we must first provide those titles that are necessary to support students’ study. I am very disappointed that we obviously did not find what he was looking for on our databases as we take pride in often tracking down the most obscure books. I can assure him that we are happy and able to search for books by title, author, keyword, subject or any combination or fragments of the above. I hope he will give us another chance to search for the books he wants. If they exist, we will find them.On the issue of book prices Mr Chiverton raises a number of important and valid points. I can well understand, given the current financial situation of many students, that book prices are a serious concern. The bookshop must at least break even, to operate at a loss would drain money from the university and our

prices are set at the lowest level possible to avoid this. Our prices are never higher than the published price and are generally competitive when compared to internet or high street bookshops (the competition that prevents us from enjoying a monopoly). We do however, try to think creatively about how we can provide better value for money for students. For example, there are currently special reduced price packs of text books in the bookshop, we often work in conjunction with lecturers and publishers to set a special lower “Surrey” price for text books on widely used titles. We also run an account system at the beginning of the autumn semester that provides substantial discounts to students. If Mr Chiverton or any other student has any ideas or comments about how we can improve value for money for students then I really would be happy to listen and consider them. It is important to clarify that the bookshop

is owned and operated by the university as a facility for the university community. We don’t pay shareholders and any surplus that we achieve is retained within the university for the benefit of all staff and students. We might be the only bookshop on campus but we take our role in student life very seriously. Any customer walking past the bookshop today (Friday 14th) will notice that one of our window displays is supporting a concert being run by students in the music department and another carries a full display of the best new general (non academic) titles, all at reduced prices. I believe that an avid book reader like Mr Chiverton will find plenty of interest. YOURS SINCERELY, JAMES NEWBY UNIVERSITY BOOKSHOP

Dear barefacts, I am writing to appeal to your readership regarding something many may consider a minor issue, but which has an ability to start me off on a hissy fit in seconds. NTL phoneboxes. What is it with peoples complete in ability to close them? Nearly every time I walk in or out of GU2 in Battersea Court (which is a fairly frequent occurrence) the NTL cover is wide open. During the summer this is not too much of an issue but Dear barefacts, For weeks I have laughed heartily at Psychic Sandy’s refreshingly hilarious approach to star signs! Cynic that I am I think the whole star sign predictions are a load of horse twaddle and that other papers pathetic attempts to try and convince you that it all means something just plain sad! So I have really enjoyed you obvious piss take of the whole thing.... that is until this week! I read your predictions on Thursday

during the winter their purpose becomes ever more important. They are there to protect the phones from rain, sleet, snow, hail and projectile vomiting of drunk students. PLEASE, PLEASE, can you implore your readers to shut them, it literally takes one second and such a ridiculously little amount of energy it takes the, erm, st Michael! YOURS IN FRUSTRATION, AMELIA LEFROY

and yet again had a good old chuckle! However it seams that far from taking the piss you are in fact really psychic! Your prediction for my star sign this week reads like summary of my last few days! Scared, very, very scared! I will be reading your prediction for me this week and I will be taking notes... just in case! YOURS SINCERELY, DOM RILEY P.S. Oh and I’m an Aquarian by the way!

ostgrad f and P Staf Night Curry Tuesday 25th Quiz &
£3 per person including food & quiz entry
Quizmaster: Dr David

The Postgrad Association Presents:

November Wates House 7.30pm



20 November 2003

Make The Most of it
As reported on the front page of this week’s barefacts, in these recent weeks the DAVE training team have run two sessions, one for Programme Representatives and one for Senior Residents. Both were a big success and built massively upon last years’ turn out, thanks to the commitment from Claire Iles, VP Education and Welfare and her advisor, Lisa Widdows. So, what does this mean? Well, it means that now both your Senior Resident and Programme Rep for your department or course is trained, they will both be in the best possible position in order to offer you representation. As a student you are entitled to representation, and to spend a gross amount of money at university and not take advantage of that wouldn’t make sense! So if you’re on campus and have a problem with accommodation, or if you come under the huge umbrella of being a student at UniS, then there are now fully-trained representatives for you to take your problems or queries to! There have been a lot of instances with students having concerns about their courses, be it coursework deadlines or over-crowded rooms, so take the opportunity to inform the programme rep of the problems and with enough support you can get the issues dealt with through the correct procedures. The university supports the notion of programme reps as a ‘quality control’ measure for teaching and learning within the university – so it’s important to make use of this and restore the reps’ role to its former high. Potentially the body of programme reps represent the whole of the student population at UniS – i.e. the largest possible voice to contend with. This vast voice can implement changes for teaching and learning within the university, and it’s entirely up to the students if they want to utilise the potential at their disposal.

It Pays to be a Pikey
Paul Sanderson provides an insight to managing student finances in true northern style, and offers advice for future entrepeneurs
Is everyone sitting/lying/standing comfortably? I’m going to let you into a little secret. Keep it quiet because I don’t want to be mugged. Ready? I’m not in debt. Well technically I am – I have a student loan – but that isn’t something I’ll ever notice. I have £1400 in one bank account and am around £50 in credit in another. These aren’t savings accounts; I regularly use both of them. Apparently this is something amazing. People give you the strangest looks when you tell them such information. How, you may be asking, have I avoided the seemingly inevitable chasm of student debt? I suppose there’s one inherent characteristic that not everyone is lucky enough to have which is a huge factor in my hunter-gatherer attitude towards money: I’m a dirty northern monkey. This gives me a squirrel-like instinct to sniff out money from any source possible and to save it for a rainy day (of which there are many in Sheffield – metaphorical and otherwise). By the end of my university career I hope to have saved enough for my first car or for a deposit on somewhere to live – with Surrey’s policy on having placement years this should be easily possible. While I appreciate that not everyone can be northern – there isn’t enough room in our coal mines for everyone – you can learn much from us. No really. Firstly, don’t get excited when your student loan installment comes; I’ve learnt to savor having lots of money because it doesn’t happen very often. Don’t get excited and suddenly think ‘I have £1000 in addition to a £1200 overdraft…let’s go shopping, go out 3 million nights in a row, and buy a piano’. I’ve seen it happen and it’s truly tragic. Next thing: shopping: grocery shopping that is. This is something that I’m gradually learning how to do in a costeffective manner. One thing I’ve learnt the hard way is, don’t go shopping when you’re starving. You’ll get home, cook something and realize just how little you actually want the tinned Bombay potatoes (they are simply repulsive). I’m sure most students are already connoisseurs of the Tesco value range. If not, why? There are, however, further bargains to be had within this set of products. Consider, if you will, 10 fish-fingers for the diminutive sum of 25 p (content of actual fish not guaranteed). Next up is a can of coke for a miserly 15p (cheap as chips as the orange one would say). And finally, an entire cake mix for around 35p (and it even contains real flour). Also, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the cheap stuff is always at the bottom of shelves; if it’s in the middle where your eyes fall, it means they want you to buy it thus ensuring a hefty price tag. You should also be sure to go home at sporadic intervals. Not because you might want to see your parents – although that may be a consideration, don’t allow it to sidetrack you from your money-making goals. No, you should go home because you will get money. If you can avoid it, don’t go home too often and you will build up the impact of the ‘I’ve missed you so much, here’s £20’ factor. Also, make sure you go see as many relatives as possible and the same will apply. If you decide to go out when you’re at home, get in touch with as many people as you know and they will all think you’re so wonderful for wanting to see them that they’ll buy your drinks for the evening. There are also the age-old clichés that you will be fed properly and get your washing done but those are just so passé compared to receiving money. Moving swiftly forth: going out. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to stop doing it, but please, stop spending so much money. It’s hardly as if the Union needs it. ‘But I can’t have a good night out without getting hammered’ I hear you cry. Me neither (being sober affects my already lamentable dancing skills). The trick is to acquire some vodka (either Tesco’s own or expensive stuff given by your parents on your last trip home, naturally) and some Tesco value apple/orange/cranberry (delete as appropriate) juice and start mixing. Some will say I’m antisocial – do it in your kitchen if you really want to make an exhibition of your newly-found cheapness – but I do such a thing when I go out. So those people are just being oxymoronic (as well as moronic for having more money than sense). If you need further justification, we’re students; it’s hardly the most shameful thing you’ll ever do. As a result, you can enjoy Friday and Saturday night at the Union for around a tenner – providing you get there early for cheap entry. There are more obvious routes to take if you’re in fairly deep financial trouble: get a job: ask your parents (if you can’t get money out of them after 18 + years then you’re bad offspring): or for those in more serious trouble still, apply for a hardship loan. You could also get a job when you go home for the summer but I know how the best of intentions gang aft agley. If you want to save an extra £200 or so a year (a cheap holiday perhaps), then follow the northern creed to stop being so damn wasteful.

Good Luck barefacts!
This Saturday (22nd) sees the the ceremony for the NUS National Student Media Awards, in which barefacts is up for the award of Best Student Campaign against York and Warwick Universities. Last year saw the launch of the Lights, Camera, Action campaign, which has since continued this year, and barefacts was nominated after NUS looked at the extensive coverage in the newspaper, then under the Editor in Chief-ship of Rich Watts. This follows a win for barefacts a year ago, in the same category, and it is seen as quite an achievement to be nominated two years in a row. The senior editorial team will be attending the NUS Media Conference during the day, followed by the awards ceremony. Best of luck to barefacts! For a report on the event, see next week’s barefacts. That paper is also the last of the semester, so make sure you send in any articles by Friday 21st at 5pm, and get your Christmas personals in my Monday 5pm at the latest. Random Fact of the Week [from Matt Adams]

James Bond’s or Paul Sanderson’s?

‘Typewriter’ is the longest word you can write using the letters on just one row of a keyboard

barefacts | be heard

20 November 2003



The Colombian Crisis: Operation Surrey Students
Vicky Bird reports on the occurrences in the southern hemisphere and shows why students in safer conditions should lend their support to those students worrying about staying alive, not just out of debt
While student politics has more than its share of dark moments in the UK, it doesn’t compare with the genuine horror faced by student leaders in Colombia. Colombia is one of the most dangerous places in the world to be a student leader. The chalk outlines of bodies drawn on the ground of the National University in Bogotá, Colombia’s capital, represent students assassinated and disappeared by the terror infrastructure in recent years. On 12th April 2003, Edwin Lopez became another of the disappeared. He was a final year student at Francisco de Paula University in the town of Santander. He was involved in social work in a very poor neighbourhood that had been plagued by violent attacks on prostitutes, street vendors and homosexuals. It was reported that Edwin was taken from his house by masked men who also stole his computer with his human rights database. Students are prime targets of the paramilitary death squads. The paramilitaries are responsible for the vast majority of human rights abuses and have well documented links with the country’s official military. It is little known outside Colombia that education workers alongside students bear the brunt of terror. Last year, 184 civilians were killed for trade union activity - 83 of them teachers and lecturers. This year a teacher has been killed every week – more than in the rest of the world combined. In the city of Cucuta, there are reports that paramilitaries have imposed a curfew on young people after 10.30 at night. Night-school students have given up their courses in fear and women students have been banned from wearing crop tops and jeans. Punishment for disobeying is severe. There are accounts of acid being thrown at offending students or a knife being used to cut the bare skin above the stomach. Cucuta is not surprisingly described as a “terror town” where community activity is impossible. Colombian students interviewed in a recent report by radical charity War on Want described this terror as one aspect of a wider campaign to privatise education and impose free market policies throughout the country. The report states that the “student movement has been historically affected by violence, but in the 1990s repression started getting really severe”. Private companies are increasingly being brought into education and teacher numbers have fallen dramatically. Schools have been asked to cut their budgets by 10 billion pesos before 2008, which in practice has meant that when teachers leave they are not replaced. Of those who have retained jobs, only 10% are employed on full-time, permanent contracts, compared to around 90% in 1990. Universities are also being incorporated into Colombian President Uribe’s “informer network”. Reminiscent of policies pursued in what are normally described as police states, the new right-wing President is aiming to build a million-person network to act as the eyes and ears for the Colombian state. This is being pursued with vigour on campuses where students say “there’s always someone ready to point out student leaders”. In the last five years, between 60 and 70 student leaders have disappeared. Despite the hopelessness, Colombia is home to some of the bravest student activists in the world who, like many others in Colombia, risk their lives to fight for a better society. They look to our support as a last defence against the horror film their country has become – and we can start here. The British government refers to Colombia as having “the longest democratic legacy in Latin America”. A campaign by War on Want recently uncovered that the British government is sending military aid to the Colombian armed forces – a military which works with the same paramilitaries responsible for human rights abuses against students. It is difficult to see how this assistance can be squared with fighting the war on terror. The student movement can play a vital role. Our actions don’t merely save people’s lives– as worthy as goal as that is in itself. They are an act of solidarity with progressive forces throughout Colombia, keeping alive hope of social change and a better world for the destitute yet courageous people of this terror state. To Join War on Want’s Global Justice Network and to get more information on Colombia contact Nick Dearden on 020 7620 1111 or email:

Is UniS as Accepting as it is Diverse?
After hearing of an issue in the Union, Shani Crawford questions whether or not UniS is different from the urban universities, traditionally believed to have problems with racial tension, and if the utopic image is simply a mirage of the truth
Often appreciated as such a cosmopolitan university, with a high proportion of international and some minority home students Unis appears to function not quite harmoniously but sufficiently. For example no racial wars, rivalries or notorious reports of racial abuse. In fact one could argue that considering Unis to be such a small university is in a relatively middle classed and non-mixed area the university appears relatively utopic in comparison to our cosmopolitan city-based counter parts. However is all what it seems? Is Unis just an expert player in the game of deception? Hiding many a tale of discrimination and bigotry! The answer…maybe. Perhaps I have been fast to judge on the basis of one event or could it be the one incident that has occurred has only helped to secure a view already held by many about attitudes within the university and Guildford. I recently heard an account of an event that occurred at the Union involving two female students and staff at the union. This occurred on a Monday - Bling at the union, an event to which especially African and Caribbean students come out for, feeling this is their one night where they are catered for at the university. It is especially appreciated, as for many of you know in the past ‘urban’ i.e. fundamentally music of a black origin has been relegated to the basement, HRB of the union. These two female students were not together but on two separate occasion were refused service at one of the union bars by the same bar man. On both occasions white patrons had pushed in front of these two black female students and been served despite them themselves admitting that they had jumped the cue. The barman ignored this and then on one occasion advised other bar staff to ignore these two students, who were later, referred to by this bar man as coloured! When bought to the attention of superior union staff the students were told that the discrimination they perceived to have occurred was just that perception. And after looking into the situation action cannot be taken on the basis of their perception. But is discrimination and racism not based on perception. The fact that a such a situation can occur at Unis makes one curious as to how much minority members of the student body are valued, if their perceptions of their own discrimination is questioned surely such disregard and disrespect proves that as a minority student you only exist her to make up some statistical quota to demonstrate how theoretically multicultural the university is. I find that although they’re maybe a significant amount of minority students, their impact is not felt. They are dedicated one week in spring semester to show off sparkly things representing their culture to alumni who smile and say isn’t that interesting while choking on the ‘spicy food’. Then the students mostly return to their many isolated social groups mixing mostly with their own kind, repeating the philosophy that there is safety in numbers. Or is there? Those two black female students assumed so only to be told there is no substance in the perception of the two of them. The cliché question one must ask is, if there was a race reversal would things be the same would white students have been brushed aside with a couple of discount drink vouchers and free entry to Bling. The event meant to make the minorities feel better about being here but feels to many like a patronising pat on the head. The irony is the very thing meant to make the minority community feel in a sense more at home makes the realise how foreign they really are.

Need to report an incident in the union? Contact the president, Pete Tivers at



20 November 2003

Track him, trick him, trap him!
Laura Koskenmäki decides that marriage is not on the cards for the near future, and that the pressure put upon individuals to take the big step is without reason
In the 21st century, woman’s primary goal still is to get married… and man’s goal is to avoid marriage as long as possible. Women want to show their friends and families that they are capable of manipulating men into proposing. Their social status depends securing a husband. It is not just love, but money, looks, and other factors that will make rest of the female population jealous. Women are desperate not to be left on the shelf after they pass their sell-by date. It is much more important for a woman than a man to be married - a woman is either Miss or Mrs (or Ms, but everyone knows you are trying to hide something), but a man is just Mr. It is as if there were two classes of women - married and single, but a man is a man regardless of his marital status. The Internet, and the women’s magazines are full of advice on how to get a husband. After a quick search I found an article with a rather interesting title “Track him, trick him, trap him!”. Scary stuff! These self-help websites, magazines and books make it sound like it is not who you marry, as long as you get there. They talk about marriage in the same way that our career services help us with job hunting. Girls supposedly dream about their wedding day, dress, cake and the ring for whole their lives. If it is simply about being the queen of the day, why not just throw a massive birthday party and get it over and done with? A friend of mine told me that where he comes from, the girl has a “right” to break up if the man does not propose within a year. He said a year should be long enough for the man to decide whether or not he wants her. Obviously he thinks the only real way to be together is marriage; none of that girlfriend-boyfriend rubbish. Surely, both of them have the right to break up whenever they like and for whatever reason? And even if he does propose, it is within woman’s rights to say no. I have been with my boyfriend for five years, and it really annoys me to hear “Well, it’s not like you are married…” or “Oh, you don’t think he is the one then?”. What is wrong with just being together, without inviting all your relatives for a slap-up meal (i.e. wedding), and signing some

So... What Do Men Want?
I suppose I could take the easy option and simply put “sex on tap” but, due to many comments following the last lighthearted view on life, I’ve got in touch with my feminine side and done a bit of market research in order to try and answer the not so obvious question of what the guys want. After discovering that robots weren’t about to take over the world and having the value of last week’s article disappear quicker than that of the Russian currency, I thought a bit of research wouldn’t go a miss in at least one of these random comments. I’m glad that I didn’t need to shock myself in the bath (it’d be a luxury if we even had a bath in my court) to become female for a week in order to think about the question – although I’m sure fetish night for many was the time to flaunt their inner desires. I think it has to be said that, really, blokes are clueless. I mean – even if it was written in neon lights on the union ceiling, would any guys have remembered what women do want? I doubt it, instead choosing to divert the eyes towards the chest area of the blonde that just walked past. I mean, there could be a chance for a guy to effectively find the meaning of life and the answers to all his problems and what would he prefer to do? Stare at breasts. I think it’s that kind of dumbfound stupidity, and the idea of men being ‘ruled by their package’ that women find so completely frustrating. Once the blonde has walked past and the attraction is out of view, there’s an angry face to confront. “Were you staring at her breasts?” Of course he was, he’s a bloke. And why do blokes do things they know are wrong but do so anyway? Because they’re male. For a woman that’s obviously exceedingly frustrating, but for a man that’s the only answer they have. Considering that at times it seems men’s behaviour is nothing short of primitively inane and plain stupid, it has to be asked as to why men believe they’re the dominant part of the species. It can seem that some men are about as deep as the skin that surrounds them – having a conversational about anything other than sex, the ‘big game’, money, or cars is nearly impossible. Or if it is possible to get into a conversation about anything other than those things, you can bet your bottom dollar that he’s either not listening (quiz him about it after – you’ll see!) or is thinking about how the next sentence can be linked in to sex, the game, money, or cars. It also seems that men get it a lot easier than women in terms of putting things right, or being seen to make effort. A man brings home some chocolates and flowers for his wife or girlfriend and is pretty much guaranteed a good time that night. He’s thoughtful, caring, and a truly “loving” guy. It might be a bit cynical, but how many guys do things with a view to the end result, rather than ‘out of the goodness of their heart’? A woman spends her time cleaning, washing, ironing, or cooking for a good few hours to be greeted with a sublime grunt of thanks and ignored whilst the television is flicked through. It seems scandalous on paper, but that actually happens. Of course not all men are the same. For a woman, it seems she has a few different types of men to choose from, none of which really have that great an appeal but I guess there’s something for everyone, or at least for the change in mood. For example, the jock who (although exceedingly handsome) is about as bright as the Tesco underpass was two year’s ago and the competition in trying to win him over when he’s already in love with himself is immense. Then there’s the thoughtful, caring, charming, and exceedingly kind guy you met when he held the door open for you in the lecture, and then carried your books to your seat. Only problem with him is that his boyfriend wouldn’t be too happy you trying to date him. Somewhere in between there’ll be a mix and match – but has any girl really figured what makes men tick apart from their ‘thought’ every six seconds? You can pretty much guarantee that if there are female hands in the air right now, they’re all dating the same guy and he’s just done a great job of keeping it quiet until now. So the predicament for women? Finding a man that has

insignificant piece of paper? Can you not be committed to each other without being married? I am not anti-marriage as such; I just hate people jumping to conclusions. One day I may consider it, but I am certainly not in a hurry. If I get married, it is likely to be for rational reasons like taxation, or I might finally give in to society’s pressure and admit that even if my boyfriend and I value our relationship, no-one else will until we have exchanged the rings.

After a finger was pointed and a challenge was made, Neil Christie looks at what makes men an unfathomable race for the female kind and tries to answer the logic behind male obsession for female parts.
is more interested in anything rather than developing his 10 inches (bicep measurement) and yet is not clingy and about to cry every time you say you fancy seeing your mate that also happens to be male. It’s pretty hypocritical that men wonder why they can’t stare at other women all day and then get a rosy reception, yet if an attached female is found to be chatting to another boy, that boy is either “a right prick” or she gets a billion and one questions about why she was chatting to another man. Or both. And to think it was said that women are hard to work out, whoever said that clearly didn’t know what they were talking about. So to be fair, it isn’t just women that can be confusing or have strange traits. That, and if a remotely attractive female approaches a man, is that guy thinking about a possible friendship with a girl that could potentially have an ideal personality and be up for a great laugh, or what she’d look like wearing one if his shirts cooking bacon and eggs the next morning? Perhaps the predictability of men is also something that women also find tiring. Can a woman realistically chat to a guy on a regular basis without that guy thinking he’s in with a chance of something more than friendship? For a woman to make male friends there’s definitely a barrier stopping that from happening. Men, really, are probably too easy to read. They want a gorgeous girl, with a personality that won’t drive them crazy if they’re in contact with it for more than an hour at a time. It makes you wonder how any couple are actually compatible, with women being seen as difficult to read by men, and vice versa. Ignorance is said to be bliss, so if the answers to these questions are yet to be found, the answer itself might be that it’s not worth looking for. Because really, if you’re male or female, all you want to find is someone perfect for you – and that’s really what we should be worrying about, as generalising about what a whole group of people want, when you’re only going to share your life with a select few people, is about as fruitful as seedless grapes.

20 November 2003



VC Visits Telephone Campaign
Amintha Buckland brings us an update on the Alumni and Development Office’s Telephone campaign, and the Vice Chancellor’s visit to meet the callers on Monday night.
The Vice-Chancellor and his wife, Dr Dowling, visited the call room one evening this week to meet our team of student callers. Professor and Dr Dowling thanked the students for their splendid efforts. They chatted individually to the callers about their experiences during the campaign. The money raised for the Annual Fund, predominantly for student support, keeps on rising! We are very grateful to all donors, particularly to the many alumni who are making regular donations for a minimum of the next three years. We are also delighted to be receiving donations from overseas as the callers are now contacting alumni around the world to tell them about the Annual Fund. The callers’ achievements will benefit students at the University of Surrey for many years to come. For more information contact the Alumni & Development Office on 01483 683930.

Dr Russ Replies

I’m worried that exams are looming and I still haven’t filled out all the application forms I intended. What should I do? This is one of those questions for which there is no right or wrong answer. There are all sorts of personal issues involved. For example, how important is it that you have a definite job offer before you leave? It goes without saying that the more applications you make, the more you increase your chances of finding a job. Mind you, it is mainly the larger graduate recruiters who set early closing dates for receipt of application forms and they are also the ones who are the most difficult to get into. Simply making lots of applications doesn’t, unfortunately, guarantee you a job. Only you can decide whether you want to make the extra effort required to meet their deadlines and keep alive your chances of employment with them. I am wondering whether it might be better to concentrate on my degree. What do you think? If you are you on a borderline at the moment e.g. First / 2.1 or 2.1 / 2.2 and you think that spending too much time on application forms will interfere with your chances of getting a higher degree class, then you might benefit from a strategic decision to put your job-hunting on hold for the time being. It may also help you to know that typically about 30% of Surrey graduates obtain their work by replying to advertisements. Since these are more likely to be available nearer to the time you graduate, you could decide to put off applying till then knowing that you won’t have missed the boat. But aren’t they more likely to be smaller employers who advertise in the summer? Generally speaking this is true. Most of the employers who recruit graduates in large numbers are likely to have filled their vacancies. However, they sometimes get their sums wrong or perhaps win contracts they weren’t expecting so you can still pick up occasional vacancies with recruiters who are popular with graduates. If your heart is set on a Graduate Training Scheme with a major recruiter you could also consider applying the following year. Any final tips? Just one. If you are someone who is good at getting on with things through careful prioritisation and a well-organised lifestyle, then you might be able to squeeze a few more forms out of your busy schedule. If you decide to do that, you can check closing dates in the Vacancies Bulletin on the Careers Service website at http: // We also keep paper copies in the Careers Service if you would prefer, together with other useful information which could help you with your applications.

Week 12 sees the last issue of barefacts before Christmas, so if you have any articles, make sure you send them to by 5pm on Friday 28th November

20 November 2003



Do you GU2?
By Amelia Lefroy | Station Manager Irene Nzagi is the winner of The V Competition, and has won 2 tickets for The London Eye. There were many fantastic entries, with 2 runners up – Jane Dudeney with her story of volunteering at The Canterbury Drop-In Day Centre, and Jody Thompson who wrote about her volunteering experience teaching yoga. These will be published in Barefacts over the next two weeks. “It was a cold Saturday morning on the 4th of October and as part of the RAG group, I was collecting money for the Breast Cancer Campaign in the high street of Guildford. This was my first time ever; a bit nervous as to whether I’d collect any money at all but also excited because it was my first time doing anything like it. I decided to do this because it’s for a good cause. I knew it would put a smile on somebody’s face somewhere and that’s all that matters. And as they say, every penny helps. I stood outside Boots. It was a good spot because people were coming out of Boots and giving me money but others tried to avoid me by using a different door. So I developed a strategy where I’d hide at the corner and as soon as they came out I’d pop out of nowhere! It was great fun. Every time someone dropped a pound in my tin I felt the cold even less (I’m not joking) it was so heart warming and great. I collected from 9am – 1pm. As my collecting tin became heavier and heavier, my smile was wider and wider. It didn’t matter that it was cold anymore. People were just giving me money and I was giving them the pink ribbons in return. Soon enough the whole of the town centre was pink! Obviously some people didn’t donate anything and looked guilty as they walked past but I still had a smile on my face. It was quite amazing seeing people with huge Karen Millen, House of Fraser bags and yet they found it difficult to give a pound for charity. All in all the day was great and in total we collected £1,580 pounds. I was the top fresher collector, which just made my day and I got a t-shirt and a little bag as a reward. This experience taught me not to dodge people asking for money for charity, appreciate all the small things in life and that every little helps!” Wanted - Muscle Power! Normandy Community Therapy Garden is a day centre for disabled people which specialises in horticulture. On Sunday 30th November they will be starting to construct their raised bed vegetable patch. Enthusiastic volunteers are needed mainly to move wooden railway sleepers and level some ground – what a great way to keep fit, get some fresh air, and contribute to making a difference to people’s lives! You can go along for as long or short as you choose between 9.30-3pm. Contact me for more details. The Week Named RAG! Every year UniS’s RAG (Raise & Give) Society runs RAG Week, which is a week of fun-filled raising money for good causes. RAG Week 2004 takes place the first week in February and planning is already getting underway. They want as many students, societies, sports clubs and staff members involved as possible, with loads of different events happening! If you are interested in helping out with this great society – from suggesting ideas to helping run an event, or maybe you just want to find out more, then go to the first planning session on Thursday 20th November 1pm in the USSU Committee Room. Website Designer Wanted! This is just a great project to get your teeth into – great experience, and fantastic on your CV, as well as a lot of fun! Surrey Welfare Rights Unit provide a specialist consultancy service and are in huge need of a website with their services on – can you help? Please contact me for more information on any of the above fantastic opportunities, or to find out about other exciting opportunities. Whatever you do, travel expenses will be paid and you will receive a funky certificate at the end of the year – what could be better! Carol Main: / (01483) (68) 3254 So far we have covered technical, production, news, presenting and marketing. This week its music. Our Head of Music, Phil Brown, is snowed under once a week with new releases for the station, and although he and his team have done amazingly well so far, he still needs people to help him. Word on the grapevine is that there are free cds in it once you’ve reviewed them! Now this next bit is for all party starters! We need someone to organise socials, so if you fancy yourself as a bit of a Van Wilder and want to show off your party expertise then come along the weekly meeting on Thursday, 6.15 in Hari’s Bar, main union. Be there or be unknown! GU2- Hands on experience in all aspects of radio for everyone.

Get up and (Dinner) Dance
By Chris ‘Chef’ Connor
So you’ve seen the posters, read the email but what is this event all about? Well settle back and relax and I shall tell you just that! In 1967 a group of Hotel and Catering students decided to host a ball to raise money for charities within the local community. The ball became an annual event and was named the Charity Dinner Dance. Since then over 15,000 people have been entertained and over £150,000 raised for various charities. A food and wine reception, and the release of helium balloons in the Lakeside Restaurant marked the launch of what will be the 37th annual event; which is already set to be the best yet. As usual the event is being organised by undergraduates from the School of Management. In the past the event has been open to all students and staff of Surrey University; however considering 18 other institutions are associated with Surrey; and coupled with the signing of a Deed of Federation nearly 4 years ago, we decided to make next year a truly federal event; thus the Federal Charity Dinner Dance was born. Each year the dance committee chooses two charities to benefit from the proceeds of the dance. This year the chosen charities are; Tommy’s, a charity dedicated to saving babies’ lives, researching the causes of baby deaths and providing information for mothers, and Cherry Trees, a Surrey charity which provides respite care for handicapped children. The Federal Charity Dinner Dance will be held at the 5* Hotel Intercontinental on Hyde Park Corner on Saturday 7th February 2004. Tickets are available at £65 each. This includes a champagne reception, three-course meal plus sorbet, coffee & truffles and a half bottle of wine per person. A live band, acoustic acts, a magician and an illusionist will provide entertainment, and the evening will also feature a grand raffle with some spectacular prizes, a photographer and a vodka luge.Return coach services will also be provided on the evening. It is truly THE event in the School / University calendar and an excellent night out for both staff and students. Watch out for events organised by the committee over the coming months, to raise money for the charities involved. Also on Friday of week 1 we will be taking over the Union. Starting at 7pm in Chancellors we will be organising a Jazz&Cocktails evening. Entry cost £1 and for this you get £2 off entry to the Union, a jazz band, Judge Mental on the decks and of course great cocktail deals courtesy of our outragous flairing cocktail barman! Moving on up to the Union there will be vodka luges, great music and drinking games including that old favourite, Wacky Races, where you could win up to £450! Further information on the event is available from

Barearts Film and Literature sections are home to a Halloween Special this week - spooky films, scary books - you name it, Neil Boulton and Jen Walker have them all for you...

“I’d Rather Go Down the Pub”
It was going to be a review of Tarantino’s Kill Bill by Neil Boulton... But the George Abbot pub stole the show...
“We were curious if they could meet up to past glories, much like Tarantino himself.” Tarantino’s back, and with a bang apparently, his latest film being so big and wonderful it has to be cut into two bits and taken separately. Jackie Brown wasn’t quite the film it could’ve been, so I wasn’t sure what to expect from Kill Bill. Anyway, I trotted down to the Odeon on Sunday afternoon with company ready to see what QT had done now, and well… Me: “One for the 15:40 showing of Kill Bill, please” Kindly Assistant: “Erm, the next showing’s at 18:15, Barefacts is wrong, sorry” Hmmmm, it would appear the cinema times in last weeks Barefacts were erroneous and I’m very sorry if you trekked to the Odeon expecting to pay good money for cinema enjoyment only to find out the times were wrong. I’m not sure how badly the times were wrong, but the Odeon sends us the times themselves, so, err, sorry. Now I was unable to attend the next showing of Kill Bill, I’d already seen the Matrix Revolutions and it’s already been reviewed in this fair newspaper, so I, like some others might, went to the pub. I enclose my review of the pub here for you today. The George Abbot pub (near those roundabouts just past the station, you know, near that bridge) is a chain pub (most are nowadays) with an interior décor swinging more to the rustic side of things. Kinda like a pub should. My trip began with a pint of one of the beers on tap at the bar (Well, I think it was on tap, I wasn’t really paying attention) and so with transaction duly completed in the time honoured manner I returned to a table as did person similarly at loss with the film times who came along for the trip. The pint started brilliantly, everything I’d expected straight from the time the head settled. It had an outstanding plot, no superfluous bubbly-bits and lasted just the right time. There’s nothing worse than going to have a beer and the show going on for too long, backsides have feelings too. With the excellent pint over we decided to see what the Garlicky Dough Balls were up to nowadays. My friend had previously worked in a similar establishment and we were curious if they could meet up to past glories, much like Tarantino himself. The Dough Balls too were excellent, although the plot was a bit cold in the middle suggesting the output may have been rushed. Also the main grievance with them was the exceedingly short running time – You’d think for the money we’d spent the food would’ve lasted longer. All in all, a nice trip to the pub – it was a shame the Dough Balls couldn’t live up to the beer’s benchmark, but you can’t have anything. Also, we’re very very sorry about the film times.
It’s all fun and games, until someone loses an eye...

Theme Rating

A quiet urban pub setting, no films to be seen

Strictly 18 only

running 4 pints Time
Watch this if you like
widescreen football, smokey atmospheres, lack of popcorn, alcohol

Taxi! Taxi! A Universal Language
The budget boys come good once again, as a simplistic plot and entertaining nature make this film what 2Fast 2Furious “wants to be”. Faster still, and far more furious, Neil Boulton introduces French Taxi drivers
Budget release ahoy! Now these 2 films are French and penned by Luc Besson (there’s a 3rd one too, but we won’t mention that) which means as you sit there, reading the subtitles, you can tell yourself you’re watching a foreign film - you must have taste - no matter how brainless the films are. And boy howdy is it brainless, Taxi is about Daniel, an ex-pizza delivery boy, who’s just started as a taxi driver and happens to own the world’s most beefed up Peugeot 406. Ever. And after getting keelhauled for speed violations (200 m.p.h. odd) he’s given an ultimatum by policeman Emilien. Help us catch some bad guys or you’ll never get your licence back. He complies and off they go trying to catch the bad-guys and save the day. The French police are all portrayed as direct offspring of Jacques Clouseau, but apart from that it’s just a humerous car-based action film; basically Taxi is the film ‘The Fast And The Furious’ wants to be. Now Taxi 2… exactly the same as Taxi but with ninjas and twice as many car crashes. Uncomplicated fun.

Seen a good film? Want to comment? send neil your thoughts

20 November 2003



Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead

Howdy, once again some of the more interesting cinematic 90-odd-minute epics have been carefully harvested for your perusal. I do try and guide people towards quality cinema, see I left ‘The Wedding Planner’ off the list, although a lot of it is left to chance and rumours. This week is a very interesting week – Ghosts, animated Treestumps, ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan and Dudley Moore at a piano. Excellent.

Five | 11:20pm – 01:10am

21st November
Cold Sweat | Surreal thriller weaving its way through the tangled lives of six individuals and a ghost, sounds promising. Mad schemes and twists of fate combine to sweep a disparate group of people into a mischievous mess. It all starts with Mark Cahill and his wonderful family, too bad he’s a hitman and haunted by the sexually precocious spirit of his last victim. Warning: contains traces of Baldwin. Diabolique | A remake of a classic suspense film from 1955, with Sharon Stone. Wife and mistress of a cruel schoolmaster plot together to bump him off and be done with him. Making sure he’s dead appears to be more difficult than they bargained for.

Channel4 | 10:45pm – 12:40am Channel 4 | 12:40am – 3:00am

24th November 2003
Young Guns II | William H. Bonney, Billy the Kid, is the core of this Wild West adventure sequel. As usual, Billy the Kid’s gang is wanted for some discrepency or other. The law’s after them and Billy’s friend Pat Garrett has just been hired to haul in his ass. Expect gunfights. Little Otik | One of the week’s real ’Ones to watch’, what we have here is a Czech folk tale incorporation live action footage with animation to tell a very unusual tale. A childless couple adopt a tree stump’s root and carve it into the resemblance of a child, after giving it a great deal of love and attention the stump comes to live... with an insatiable appetite for human flesh. Ooh ’eck.

ITV | 12:35am – 2:35am

Channel 4 | 10:00pm – 11:45am

22nd November 2003
The Enforcer | ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan! Eastwood returns in this sequel as one of cinema’s most beloved gun-toting mavericks. Today he tackles an underground terrorist group and tries to deal with the problem he has with his new partner - a woman. The terrorists are threatening to blow the city to smithereens unless their demands are met. Another day at work for Mr. Callahan. LA Confidential | Custin Hanson’s dark, pacy double-cross thriller about two cops drawn together by an obsession with the same murder case and the same woman. One of Russel Crowe’s ground-breaking style roles set in a world of powerful gangsters and corrupt policemen. Hardened detectives, rookies, dames and plot twists abound. Great stuff. The River Wild | “Lets combined armed robbery and white water rafting” and lo these words were uttered and the actions carried out. Meryl Streep is the skilled rafter hijacked by some escaping armed robbers while on holiday with her family, she has to pilot them in a boat down a very treacherous stretch of river. Or else.

Five | 9:00pm 11:30pm

26th November
The Bodyguard | Whitney Huston, Kevin Costner and a song which would make grown-men roll on the floor with dispair. Melodramatic love story between a pop diva and her bodyguard and I know I said I was avoiding questionable entertainment like this earlier, but it’s been a slow week filmwise and well, someone out there had to like it for it to do bank at the box office. On The Rocks | In the first film Arthur (Dudley Moore) found himself a $750 million fortune, and well, now he’s lost it. 4 years after he inherited his millions we find him broke and married, and his wife wants a baby. Arthur might possibly have to get a job... alcohol-fuelled comedy sequel type stuff.

BBC1 | 10:35pm 12:50am

BBC1 | 11:30pm 1:25am

BBC1 | 11:05pm 12:55am

Want to write a film review for this esteemed publication? Then get writing, and email it to Neil Boulton, at Happy viewing!

Living in Hope: A DVD Through the Post
Neil Boulton opens a strange package and gets down to business with his DVD... delayed due to some costly strikes
“A great student movie… both for and about them” Okay, before we get going on this indie homegrown film production I’d like to talk about the title. It’s a bad title. Mainly due to the preconceptions it caused in my mind. I took one look at the title and went “Oh no, something tells me this film’s going to talk to me about feelings and will probably involve hardship and fields”. This assumption was deeply erroneous, for upon closer inspection it would appear to be a film about students and it’s with students I shall begin. The film is set at a fictional Bristol university and the film’s title stems from the fact that the five students the picture follows all appear to live in ‘Hope Halls’; so Living in Hope is just a matter of geography. The plot is basically a coming-of-age story, following what five students seem to be getting up to in their first term at the university, namely Posh (womaniser, has a family motto), Liam (Come to study all the way from Ireland), Harry (Londoner trying to fit in, doubles up as the film’s narrator), Animal (Rugby player) and Footsie (There to make the most of his time). All with their different motives and provides a fairly predictable cross-section of students. Actually, at the end of the film itself it describes itself best “sort of Risky Business meets Human Traffic with a little Swingers thrown in for good measure”. So we watch their uncertain starts and how they all learn to make the most of their time and take advantage of opportunity (…Opporfuckin-tunity…). It sounds far more grave than it actually is, at the heart of it there’s a solid rites of passage film in their, but they’ve also made the ride funny, it takes a very real look at university, why people go and the like but the element of comedy in there makes it all far more enjoyable. There are naked rugby players charging about with flaming toilet paper wedged between their bare arse-cheeks, sex, alcohol abuse and some very dangerous bridge jumping (And Grave robbing… but we best not delve to deep into that). University life is on show in a way that an American student movie has never shown it (Though if I’m wrong do tell me) and behind it’s witty exterior there’s some very real intestines. The acting’s all top-notch and from UK-types you may have seen before such as Naomie Harris (Her from 28 days later) and Tom Harper (Don’t let the fact he’s been in a film with Kevin Costner put you off), with the fact that everything in the film is believable is a great bonus too. It’s a great student movie with everything pretty much for and about them. Although nothing will ever come close to touching Withnail & I’s crown as King of the Student movies. Independent cinema and even some of the larger scale UK cinema gets unfairly ignored by the cinema system, but hopefully that’s where the world of DVDs come in and can help films like this get seen by the masses. So if you like your realism but without the stern granite exterior, I recommend this film greatly and if you feel like checking it out, it’s released November 17th and will be available from all the usual DVD consumer haunts.

The Lord of the Rings - The Two Towers
Arvind Virdee heads into the fantastical world of J.R.R Tolkien’s second installment of The Lord of the Rings
In accordance with the breaking of the fellowship at the end of the last book, The Two Towers is really split up into three stories. Frodo and Sam have headed off to Mordor on their quest to destroy the ring of power, whilst Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli pursue the orcs who have captured the other two hobbits. Frodo and Sam separate from the group and head east, their journey is difficult, dark and murky. On their travels Tolkien re-introduces his most notorious character into the trilogy, Gollum. He is probably everyone’s favourite character in Tolkien’s books, at once funny and sinister with a kind of pathos that induces the reader to feel pity for him. He offers to guide the hobbits to Mordor with the motive of trying to get the ring back off Frodo. Merry and Pippin have been taken by Saruman’s (the wizard corrupted by the darkside) orcs, mistaken for being the “ring bearer” are being taken to Isengard; however on their way the orcs are attacked by the riders of Rohan and the hobbits escape into Fangorn Forrest, where they meet an unlikely creature. Treebeard is one of the most original characters in literature; a walking talking tree! Meanwhile, the three remaining superheroes of the fellowship, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are rudely interrupted from Indiana Jones-ing it across the plain by said Riders, fronted by a bitter dude named Eomer. Rohan is being invaded by Saruman’s forces; Eomer and his mates the Rohirrim were exiled for suggesting King Theoden ought to do something about this. Good King Theo won’t lift a finger to oppose the nasty wizard, because he is kept in a vegetable state by his trusted advisor the charmingly named Wormtongue, who happens to be taking payoffs from Saruman. Dastardly. So their immediate task is to undo Wormtongue’s spell over the king; just the kind of situation that calls for Gandalf. The trouble is he was last seen being dragged by a fire-demon into the bowels of the earth…. The Two Towers comprises a pretty heavy tonal shift from the first book. The homely, friendly atmosphere you found at intervals in the Shire, Tommy B’s house, Bree, Rivendell, and Lorien has for the most part evaporated; use of the pronoun “thou” and similar abounds, with all the seriousness that entails. I could go on, but the misery-guts ambience is designed to get across the following: THE BAD GUYS ARE WINNING. This necessitates a pair of ridiculously cool battle chapters, specifically at Helm’s Deep (imagine Zulu, but with orcs) which the movie extensively covered; and at Isengard, where Treebeard and pals comprehensively trash Saruman’s love shack, and which the movie completely and unforgivably (in my opinion) glossed over. All the more reason to read the book then; even though the Ents (that’s the politically correct term for a tree-dude, another being Film Editor, yo) meet practically no resistance at Isengard the account of the tower’s destruction is every bit as gripping as Rohan’s heroic resistance and miraculous triumph against all odds at Helm’s Deep. The overarching theme of the book, what with Saruman’s eventual trouncing is “the turning of the tide”, as Gandalf says after his resurrection. (That’s not a spoiler. We all know Jesus comes back to life, and Vader is Luke’s father. Get over it.) Because of this and the fact it was written from 1939 to 1946, some very misguided and literalminded folks have suggested The Two Towers, and even the entire trilogy is an extended metaphor for World War Two. Tolkien himself was extremely upset by this theory and similar rubbish, and wrote an entire section in the foreword of the later editions patiently explaining why its advocates were utter dipsticks. I suggest you go read that for further information. Tolkien is indeed very very good at writing about apocalyptic battles; he fought in quite a few during World War One. At the Somme, he got to see first hand the “metal and wheels” of the industrial war machine being introduced to the verdant fields and forests of France, and their reduction thereby to a torn, scorched wasteland covered in death. (The Dead Marshes are eerily reminiscent of the Western Front, where you can’t move for decaying corpses.) If there’s an allegory here, it’s a more general one about nature and tradition versus artifice and the cult of progress. But let me segue into an allegory of my own. Where other writers turn their real-world fears and experiences into meat and potatoes, Tolkien just used them as paprika. His delicious goulash was filled with… imagination.

20 November 2003





20 November 2003

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THE GHEARS INTER: FLEX Offbeat Records SPANK THE MONKEY SUMMER DAYDREAMS Megaphone Records Arriving at the CD handout several minutes late and mildly flustered, I hurriedly picked out this single from the three totally unfamiliar names that remained. Luckily, the two surprisingly inventive – if slightly unmemorable – tracks on offer see the Anglo-Celtic quintet displaying a satisfying level of confidence, along with a competent grasp of the dynamics that are so central to their angular three-pronged guitar assault. Proof, if it were ever needed, that putting no thought whatsoever into decisions can often be quite rewarding. j.d.


Maybe the fact Hundred Reasons’ guitarist produced them is the reason for their ‘unique’ sound being just a carbon copy of Hundred Reasons’. So what we have here is slightly poppy melodic rock stuff. The opening track ‘Chez Chef’ started promisingly but then failed to deliver, bottoming out and reverting the the Hundred Reasons’ sound. Fourth and final track ‘Party Potential’ deviates from the set out template slowing things down further but it still all feels far too generic. n.b.

Summer Daydreams opens with a vocal accompanied acoustic guitar, and sounds like indie rock by numbers. After about 50 seconds or so the main tune kicks in and it sounds roughly the same until the song ends. However it is a happy catchy tune (as you may expect from a generic indie rock band) and the fact it follows a tried and tested song structure isn’t too bad. p.w.

THE BLUESKINS MAGIC ROAD EP Domino After a busy summer doing the festival rounds, The Blueskins release this collection of fast and furious songs. With subject matters as diverse as a fascination with the number 23 and the destructive social habits of townies, this band offers good old fashioned rock and roll which leaves you gasping for more. All five tunes here are excellent, from a band that make great raw music with frenetic drumming and fingerlicking guitar work, which is all too rare these days. m.f

REUBEN STUCK IN MY THROAT Xtra Mile/ Integrity Records The local boys hailing from Surrey who have been bubbling under the radar for years, release their new single, the first of their up coming debut album. This may be just what they need to boost their fan base and come into the spotlight as fellow friends Hundred Reasons proved was possible. It’s a step forward for UK rock and with 2 terrific B-sides one worth picking up. d.m.

NO DOUBT IT’S MY LIFE Interscope Records Released as a new single for their forthcoming greatest hits, No Doubt attempt a cover of the classic Talk Talk hit. The end product does not disappoint, as the band opt for their recent style of adding a pumping bass line and synthesisers to Gwen Stefani’s cracking voice. If you liked the band’s recent offerings (such as Hella Good) you’re sure to enjoy this three and a half minute romp. m.f

THE TENDERFOOT WAKING ME UP AGAIN 5:15 Records Waking Me Up again is hardly an appropriate title for the song seeing as waking someone up is about the last thing it would do even on full volume. In fact it is so quiet that listening to it at a reasonable volume for the music it is very difficult to hear the vocals. Inspired by the Lemonheads and friends of British Sea Power it is a surprise how this particular song is quite this bad. p.w.

TURBONEGRO SELL YOUR BODY (TO THE NIGHT) Burning Heart Records Armed with an ensemble that look like Marilyn Manson’s twisted version of the Village People, Turbonegro actually outshine their image and put out a decent song of the rock variety. Taken from their LP Scandinavian Leather, this electric guitar laden track shows the group’s talent, and even though this isn’t my type of music, I’d be intrigued to hear the album. Definitely worth a listen. c.d.

THE WHITE STRIPES THE HARDEST BUTTON TO BUTTON XL Recordings Undeniably one of the best bands around with their raw sound and that looming question, sister or ex the White Stripes has heralded a new era. Off the splendid Elephant the stomping, The Hardest Button To Button’s deafening bass line thuds in unison with Megs droning drums with Jack Whites unmistakable vocals slashing through another classic we have become accustomed from Detroit’s finest. m.b.

GHOST GHOST STORIES E.P Breakin Bread Records Breakin Bread release another superb record courtesy of one of the most talented producers today. Ghost provides smooth melodies and head-nodding drums, for the cream of UK hip-hop to lace with rhymes. The stand out is Exactly with Verb T and Asaviour, a track so fresh it will have even the most stubborn music fans nodding their heads. The beautiful instrumental Dedication rounds off this amazing record. Buy it. c.d.

HEADWAY VITAL SIGNS V2 Young Nottingham types Headway have got that melodic swirly rock thing going on and that’s pretty much the name of the game for this 4-track single. Never heavy and maintaining the same soaring instrumentation through out, but things never get that interesting. I think the reasonable up-tempo ‘Self Defence’ is the best track here and I know they sound like someone but I can’t work it out – Which isn’t much use to those reading this, Sorry. n.b.

ERIN MCKEOWN BORN TO HUM Nettwerk America Blimey. The hilariously whimsical Born To Hum sounds like this singer has been shoved in a stable and told to sing over two old men’s banjos. However, the gem on this single is Slung-Lo where McKeown’s soft voice gets the chance to shine over instruments, using her optimistic vocals to float with the music. If you like bluegrass rhythms, and sugary sweet singing, check it out. c.d.

This week’s music section is brought to you by: Matt Badcock, Jon Allen, Jonathan Darzi, Dina Mystris, Matt Fisher, Corin ‘skeptik’ Douieb, Pete Wigfield, Michael da Silva and Neil ‘Tree’ Boulton.

20 November 2003



Another in the fantastic series charts an artist’s soundtrack to a late night this time sees the Funk, Soul sounds of Jamiroquai. Since the days of Acid Jazz debut release When You Gonna Learn JK’s career has taken off with his uncompromising jazz, funk soul influences shown in this jampacked compilation from the soulful Marvin Gaye to the disco sounds of Sister Sledge. Sharing some obvious personal inspirational tracks the hat wielding funkster glides through endless laid back grooves taking in the fabulous Aqshford & Simpsons, Stay Free that’s only bettered by the immense Disco divas, Sister Sledges’s Pretty Baby. Theirs no denying JK’s influences covering some of the best soul and funk ever produced is a must addition for any chilled groove lover, LateNightTales deliver once more with this excellent compilation. m.b.


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Cinematic Orchestra
@ Shepherds Bush Empire | 6th November 2003
JAMIROQUAI LATENIGHTTALES Whoa The regenerated theatre that is the Shepherds Bush Empire was tonight reminiscing it former glories hailing the jazz orchestra talents of the Cinematic Orchestra. The stage bare a transparent curtain projected with Dzig Vertov’s fantastic 1929 film Man With A Movie Camera. This silent film proved to one of the most innovative films of its time capturing the cultural diversity of the Soviet Union. The all seated venue appeared transfixed as the film began vividly portraying another world in its stark black and white images prompting the Cinematic Orchestra to begin their original film score. Creeping through the screen the succulent strings accompanied by saxophone scratch DJ, piano and the magnificent drums and percussion make up this unorthodox jazz orchestra creating the most amazing sounds. Opening with the atmospheric The Projectionist through the climatic All Things concluding a fabulous seventy minutes of modern jazz incorporating graphic images and fresh atmospheric jazz. After a rapturous ovation The Cinematic Orchestra progress into their previous more upbeat two studio albums jamming with Saxophone and vinyl scratching conducted by the marvellous Swinscoe. Capturing an inspiring performance this evening The Cinematic Orchestra transform jazz giving it a modern twist in this mammoth display that dispels any theory jazz is irrelevant and boring. matt badcock

AMY WINEHOUSE FRANK Island Mixing a whole host of styles – ranging from hip hop to jazz; this debut album offers an eclectic look into the world of Amy Winehouse. At only 19, she is able to use her sultry voice in a way many pop idol hopefuls can only dream of, dealing with ex-lovers (In my Bed) and Club bimbos (Fuck Me Pumps) in ferocious manner. The lyrical content is both cutting and humorous, and musically, the breakbeat style works well. However, on some tracks I felt that the grand ideas attempted aren’t quite pulled off – with the album tailing off towards the end. Overall this is an excellent first album, which stands up well to the likes of Lauryn Hill. m.f.

It’s a rare thing, an N.E.R.D. gig. Firstly, they play very few venues and infrequently perform outside of the US or UK. But even more unusual, such is the overlaping genre of music they create, is that N.E.R.D. have the ability to bring together a hugely diverse audience. Every continent it felt were represented at the Brixton Academy, on November 9th. After support from Spymob and a sensational beatboxing performance from Killer Kela, N.E.R.D. (minus Chad Hugo) exploded onto the stage and stormed straight into ‘Brain’. The atmosphere was frenzied from the off but Pharrell & Co. had a surprise up their sleeves.


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@ Brixton Academy th 9 November 2003


The Electric Soft Parade/British Sea Power
@ London Astoria | 12th November 2003
What’s this? The West End has been invaded! By the South coast! Well, for now anyway. The three main bands performing tonight were all from the Brighton area of the Sussex coast. After the lo-fi musings of the very good Clearlake, came the delights of British Sea Power, one of the only bands around that shout about their love of nature. As they took the stage, some of the band members were wearing large bits of foliage in their hats, and they looked perfectly comfortable alongside the numerous stuffed birds that they shared the stage with. The bass player greeted us by flicking his shoe into the crowd, which promptly flew out of the fug and took the drink clean out of my hand. Not that I cared, as they piled into the juddering Apologies to Insect Life. Their set carried on in a similar manner, through the positively barnstorming Remember Me and on to the finale, involving one of the band strutting and jolting his way through the crowd with a bass drum, the bass player on the guitarists shoulders, then the guitarist doing handstands on the drum kits and so on, I have no idea what song it was, it was impossible to concentrate! And how could any band upstage a performance like that? Just ask The Electric Soft Parade. They grabbed a hyped up audience by the scruff of the neck and dragged them through their superb brand of tune-filled, powerful prog-stoner-indie-rock. Highlights of the set included latest single Lose Yr Frown, and the charming, yet forceful Silent to the Dark off their first album Holes in the Wall. They saved the best for last though, storming through There’s a Silence and Empty at the End as their encores. Overall it was a fantastic night, who cares about the New York music scene? Brighton is where it’s at! john allen

After the second track, Pharrell Williams announced that he wanted to introduce us to a good friend of his, and to the shock of the South London posse Justin Timberlake made his way to the stage, as he did three days earlier in Edinburgh after the MTV Europe Music Awards, and joined N.E.R.D. for almost the rest of the entire set. He lent smooth lead vocals to Pharrell‘s solo hit ‘Frontin‘’ and N.E.R.D.’s ‘Run To The Sun’, ‘Provider’, ‘Stay Together’, ‘Rock Star’, ‘Bobby James’ and the crazy finale of ‘Lapdance’. Timberlake was almost ever-present and even performed his Neptunes-produced hits ‘Senorita’ (for which he was on keyboard and Mr. Williams on drums wearing some ridiculous white-rimmed Versace sunglasses) and then the pumping ‘Rock Your Body’. Pharrell dropped tasters of other tracks he has helped produce including ‘Hot In Herre’, ‘I’m A Hustler Baby’ and ‘Excuse Me Miss’. Timberlake was lovin’ it and shouted to the crowd: “It’s great to be among some real-ass people”. The gig had some fresh performances from two of the hottest names in music right now and it certainly turned into the Justin & Pharrell show. Both were superb and the cameo did Timberlake‘s street-cred no harm at all. After the last track ‘Lapdance’, Pharrell Williams put to sleep any rumours that the Neptunes are getting tired of production saying: “As long as you’ve got us, and we’ve got you, no one can f---ing stop us”! michael da silva



20 November 2003

The Constant Wife at the Yvonne Arnaud
Daisy Clay heads into Guildford to see Liza Goddard in a play that despite premiering almost 80 years ago, still remains a “thoroughly relevant and timely piece”
The Constant Wife, despite premiering nearly 80 years ago play’s finale is formed when Constance announces that she in 1926, still remains a thoroughly relevant and timely piece. is to leave for Italy on holiday, and that she will be travelling Constance (Liza Goddard) is witty, captivating and intelligent, with Bernard. John is furious, proclaiming that “If a husband and has been married to top London surgeon John Middleton is unfaithful to his wife, she is an object of sympathy but (Robert East) for 15 years. Their relationship is the subject of is a woman is unfaithful to her husband, he is an object of gossip among the friends and family of Constance because ridicule.” Constance informs him that she is going anyway John is having an affair with Constance’s and he cannot stop her. Realising that he is best friend Marie-Louise (Sara Crowe) and, “If a husband is powerless, he states that he will still take her as far as they are all convinced, she is totally she returns. unfaithful to his wife, back when numerous contrasting portrayals of unaware of her husband’s infidelity. However, There are when confronted by the husband of Marie- she is an object of women within this play. Constance’s mother Louise, Mortimer Durham (Robin Browne), sympathy but is a Lady Culver (Virginia Strider) believes that Constance coolly provides the lovers with an all men will stray and that women are obliged alibi, convincing Mortimer that he is mistaken. woman is unfaithful to look the other way. Constance’s sister on Despite knowing of her husband’s affair, to her husband, the other hand has a spinsterly, cynical and rather than accepting the infidelity or throwing men. he is an object of unshakable distrust of career Then there is a her husband out, Constance seems resolved to friend of Constance’s, woman Barbara ridicule.” continue her married life as normal, regardless Fawcett (Maev Alexander), who runs her own of the intolerable situation. business, and Marie-Louise, a blonde bimboConstance speculates that marriage is an economical type figure, who has one affair after another whilst milking arrangement, with wives being financially dependent upon her husband for expensive jewellery. their husbands. Whilst working class wives complete all the The beauty of this play lies in the poetic justice, where household tasks and raise the children, among the middle Constance, despite being betrayed by her husband, still classes there are paid staff to carry out such duties. Thus seems to win. However, we must ask the question, did she it is so that wives such as herself must perform the role of ever even fear she would loose it? I very much doubt so. playmate to their husband in order to earn their keep. It is The comedy appears throughout the play from the varying not until a wife becomes financially independent that she degrees of knowledge about the affair between John and no longer has to accept her husband’s prerogative to fool Anne-Marie, whereby the audience is constantly laughing at around elsewhere. It is from this viewpoint that Constance the problem of who knows what and who doesn’t. decides to become an interior designer, and over the next Despite feeling initially frustrated by Constance’s year she becomes economically independent from John. calm tolerance of her husbands infidelity and her best In the first act, we are introduced to Bernard (Michael friend’s deceit (as I believe many audience members Praed), an old boy friend of hers whose proposal of marriage felt), I experienced such enormous and satisfying relief as was turned down years before. He’s been living in China, Constance gained the upper hand and publicly humiliated and whilst visiting London for the year, re-declares his her husband. For this I consider the immense frustration to undying love for Constance. Initially she keeps him at arm’s have been worth it. Accompanying this relief was a wave of length, wishing to keep him as a close friend. However, the feminist ‘girl-power’, which swept over the audience, much to everyone’s delight. Although this play is old-fashioned, Maughan’s work still succeeded in being uplifting and highly amusing.
Liza Goddard as Constance in The Constant Wife

... at the Ambassadors Theatre, Woking
gripping psychological thriller, starring Sian Phillips, Angela Thorne (To The Manor Born), Rosemary Leach (Down to Earth). ‘Had audiences shrieking in their seats’ (Globe & Mail). Written by acclaimed author Rodney Ackland (Absolute Hell), The Old Ladies is a gripping psychological thriller set in th 1920s full of twists and turns, guaranteed to keep you on the edge of your seat right up to the explosive and unexpected finale. Lucy and May have rooms in an old house and, through fond memories, simple pleasures and buried hopes, happily help each other through their impoverished days. But, in the upstairs room, the dark brooding presence of Agatha plans to shatter their friendship. Little by little, she begins a journey of terror as she manipulates, ridicules and undermines the careful fabric of Lucy’s and May’s lives. Uniting the talents of three great actresses, this nail-biting, nerve-shredding thriller shivers with increasing intensity as tensions build to a menacing climax. Expect the unexpected….. Showing Monday 24th to Saturday 29th November, contact the box office on 01483 545 900 for student tickets priced at £9.


20 November 2003

Guess The TV Character
Maybe the Interactive page should be renamed the ‘nostalgia page’ - afterall, that’s what it seems to be turning into over the past few weeks. The Guess the Mr Men (and the obligatory single Little Miss) quiz last week seems to have been pretty popular, so Matt Adams (with a little help from Lauren Tedaldi) returns with a variation on a theme - Guess the Children’s TV Character! The idea’s pretty much exactly the same as you’re used to - name the character, and give yourself a bomus point if you can get the name of the programme they are from as well. Next week brings with it the last issue of barefacts before Christmas (my, how time flies), so if you are good little boys and girls, maybe, just maybe, the Interactive page will have a slightly Christmassy theme! Answers on a postcard at the bottom of page 20.



Yes, we know they’re steps, but where on campus are they? Answers in next week’s barefacts... Matt Adams asks the questions....

Let us know what you think of the Interactive Page...
... email

Word Search
Neil Christie and Matt Adams were caught in a materialistic mood, and so the theme for this week’s word search is ‘Clothing Labels’. There are apparently “lots and lots of things” that they’d likebut “can’t afford until the next student loan installment”! Tune in next week for a Christmassy themed wordsearch - send your favourite Christmas word to and wait for it to be included next week. Got 20 vaguely connected words swimming round your head?

Which animal has the largest eyes? How many carats is pure gold?
















Robert Plant is connected with which rock group as lead singer?

What on a ship is a jib?

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pub bf quiz
By Ben Berryman

Who in the bible, was the first person to be born?

In Disney’s “The Little Mermaid”, which character sings “Under The Sea”?

In In which 1991 movie thriller does one of the main characters say “I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner”? Who is the Hindu god of love?

What city is home to the football club Lazio?

In the “Toy Story” films, what is the name of Woody and Buzz Lightyear’s owner?

Upsidedown answers to everything in the Interactive section, are at the bottom of page 20 If you feel in the mood for a Chancellor’s Challenge, Chancellor’s [bar and] Restaurant at 8.30pm every Thursday night. Pit your wits against a variety of the top quiz mastery brains around...

The answers to this week’s wordsearch are at the bottom of page 20, underneath Rawson’s Creek.



20 November 2003

The lyrics Quiz
Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the Students’ Union... YES, BOYS AND girls, it was that time of year again. When town swarms with students raiding the most bizarre of shops, and the queue outside the Union reached astronomical proportions. You’ve guessed it – the first of the two annual Drag and Fetish nights hit us with force last Friday. LATE on Friday afternoon I headed into town for a last minute run round the shops. My excuse for the last minute-ness of my quest was the rather convincing ‘having a full time job’, but it seemed that hundreds of other students, who may or may not have had similar excuses had the same idea. As we wandered round Oxfam, looking for inspiration, I overheard the lady at the till talking to an old couple at the front of the shop. “Busy day today?” they asked her. “Yes, actually” she replied. “There’s some party going on, I think – we’ve had lots of youngsters in all day”. Then, for some reason, I piped up from the back, “It’s Drag and Fetish Night up at the Students’ Union tonight!” The lady then turned to her husband and said “Wow, that sounds interesting”, as Ben and I stifled our giggles. WE carried on our quest into one of the several ‘Party Shops’ round Guildford, which was packed to capacity with students staring at the dodgy costumes, ranging from fake chest hair to bunny girl suits. As I picked up a PVC nurses outfit (purely out of interest, of course), I heard someone behind me say, “go for it, that’d suit you!” Thinking it was just some random making a crude comment, I chose not to turn around, until I caught sight of Union Chair Jay out of the corner of my eye, looking not too happy at me for completely ignoring him! FINALLY I decided, mainly due to financial constraints, to cobble together a costume from my ‘Fetish Night Collection’ (random bits and bobs collected over the past 4 years), and went as a Kinky Devil. Once inside the packed Union, I saw one of my friend’s predictions that “There’ll be so many 118 blokes” was correct – well, there were at least 6, in very impressive costumes. I got used to the “Got your number!!” shouts from Special and Jonah, so was slightly confused when a guy dressed in a white mask and long black cloak tapped me on the shoulder and said, randomly, “Got your number” to me! I think it’s become a new chat up line! ‘ickle sarah butterworth
eye spy answer | week 10 | senate house

I’M SITTING HERE... the sound of waves are crashing over the rocks... washing over the sand... someone is playing some faint wind instrument things somewhere over there... occasionally the odd bird can be heard on its way past... and still... the waves... keep crashing... and crashing against... the sand... Shutting my eyes I take bites into my pasty... the temperature is quite warm, and there is a gentle breeze blowing across... feeling relaxed I lie back and munch on the pasty... The waves are getting softer now... more a gentle lapping on the shore now... The music seems to have stopped, but the birds have come back... CONSIDERING that your always meant to be able to smell salt, I can really only smell my pasty? but its really not important.... its nicer being here than worrying about whether I should be smelling any salt on the air... Starting to feel a little chilly now, and the breeze is blowing backwards and forwards..... I’ve finished the pasty, and get out the sandwiches I made earlier.... I wonder if those birds would like some bread? ..... well I bought the bread, so I’m having it!! HAVING sat up to get the sandwiches... I lie back again... and start concentrating on the sea again... I wonder if the sea ever gets bored? ... or more importantly, I wonder if the sea ever gets lonely? ... The ocean is a very very empty place....... HUMANS are totally humbled by the power and size of the sea - on occasion, as violent as the wrath of God himself!! Even the largest man made vessels are as vulnerable to the ocean, as a toy boat is in a child’s bath... Do you think someone... somewhere.... knows about every wave that washes up upon the beach? And if you took a single second of time..... I wonder how many waves in the world are hitting beaches in that single split second of time? ALL these things I think about as I sit here quietly in awe... not wanting this moment to end... safe in my solitude... the world seems to quietly tip-toe away from me... soundlets from the ocean seem ever more distant from me...and eventually... silence... I get up out of my office chair, walk over to the CD player, take out the “Natural Sleep Inducement: Solitudes, Music for your health” CD, and replace it with some Placebo! chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter

Matt Adams is back this week with another tantalising lyrics quiz. Next week’s barefacts is the last one before Christmas (hold back your tears) in order to allow the wonderfully, amazing, dedicated barefacts team to get their heads down and catch up with 12 weeks worth of work, but that gives you all the perfect chance to wrote your own lyrics quiz over Christmas! Once you’ve tested it out on your family, then power up the old computer and send it across to, or even, and who knows,, it could make it into the first issue of barefacts 2004!

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I think about you all the time, I see you in my dreams. So hurry up and bring your jukebox money. And if I leave here tonight and I fall asleep… Engine, engine number 9 on the New York transit line. ‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’. Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone! He came into the apartment, he left bloodstains on the carpet. Honestly you promised me I’m never gonna find you fake it. Meet me in the crowd, people people, throw your love around. You say alone we stand together we fall apart.

This week I am mostly … addressing my addictive personality as it persists in finding increasingly unusual outlets! Anyone who read my article on fizzy drinks in the first issue of BareFacts this year will know I’m more than a little naïve as concerns all things food-and-drink-related. I confess I’ve still yet to try a Double Decker or a Caramel Snack’a’Jack [although I did sample a curry-flavoured Pringle the other night – not a success to be honest] but then unfortunately, my tastebud adventure has had to take a bit of a backseat of late. Yet as these things often do happen when you least expect them, I have stumbled across a new edible obsession: the humble Malt Loaf. Quite what it was that allured to me to such an unassuming foodstuff on my last supermarket trip, I have no idea. It certainly wasn’t on my list of top-ten-things-to-try-this-week [I can’t be the only student to re-enact Ready Steady Cook at home, can I?] and I don’t remember it calling out at me from the shelves like wine and of course, chocolate have been wont to do. Admittedly, considerable time elapsed between Malt Loaf’s arrival in my kitchen and the actual tasting, and one could argue that the life-or-death circumstances surrounding my first experience of Malt Loaf [a definite Mother-Hubbard moment] may have clouded my judgement. But ever since this first mouthful, I’ve been completely hooked. I’d go so far as to say Malt Loaf is the most multifunctional snackette on the market. Ideal for breakfast, lunch or supper, depending what beverage and spread one chooses to complement it with, Malt Loaf remains undoubtedly reliable and [read into this what you will] there is something exceptionally comforting about its sweet sticky chewiness. More so perhaps than even chocolate - a controversial statement if ever there was one. Debate is raging in our house at the minute [understand my housemates are also mad Malt Loaf aficionados] at the number of slices needed to satisfy a Malt Loaf craving. Currently under development is the theory that the number-of-slices-needed increases exponentially with stress levels. See, until recently, one slice for than sufficed for me, but now, that’s just a tease – at present, I seem to need two. I don’t know if maybe I should be worried – isn’t this how other addictive substances take hold of their victims? If I’m needing more slices to get the same “hit”, have I in fact unwittingly embarked on a downward-spiral into Malt Loaf dependency? I guess only time will tell. Read into this column what you will – either I’m merely extolling the virtues of an underrated Fruitcake variation or hidden here somewhere is in fact a subliminal cry-for-help. In any case, I’m feeling a little peckish… Catherine Lee

Upsidedown Answers: Kid’s TV Quiz: 1. Count Duckula | 2. Jimbo and the Jetset | 3. The Jetsons | 4. Henry’s Cat | 5. Pigeon Street | 6. The Raccoons | 7. Commander Shore from Stingray | 8. Scooby Doo | 9. She-Ra | 10. Dogtanian and the three Muskehounds | 11. The Shoe People | 12. Garfield and Friends || Wordsearch: adidas, animal, armani, ben sherman, calvin klein, caterpillar, gucci, kangaroopoo, levis, monsoon, nike, paulfrank, quiksilver, ralphlauren, reebok, tedbaker, teddysmith, tommyhilfiger. || Pub Quiz: 1. Cain, 2. The Horse, 3.24, 4. Sebastian, 5. Led Zeppelin, 6. Silence of The Lambs, 7. Kama, 8. A Sail, 9. Rome, 10. Andy || Lyrics Quiz: 1. Beyonce (feat. Sean Paul) – Baby Boy, 2. B-52’s – Love Shack, 3. Obie Trice – Got Some Teeth, 4. Fatman Scoop – Be Faithful, 5. Black Eyed Peas – Where is the Love?, 6. Pink Floyd – Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2), 7. Michael Jackson – Smooth Criminal, 8. Avril Lavigne – Complicated, 9. R.E.M – Shiny Happy People, 10. The Strokes - Someday

20 November 2003




Libra Stop allowing random stray shower curtain rails to fall on your head! Dumbass. No wonder your nice face F.A.C.E. face (cheerleader in a past life…) is severely bruised. However, your landlord is crap mate. Maybe you should sue? Lycka till, honey.

silly Stars
Capricorn Shaka laka baby shaka laka baby! Get it on with the Bollywood Dreams. Only francophones have the answer. How’s your mom? Maybe you should call her. She misses you, y’know. Wish you were here. Aquarius Well, you had a bit of fun with the old Channies cocktails this weekend, didn’t you? Cheeky. How was the orgasm sweetie? Feed cheese and pickle sandwiches to that gorgeous bikini-clad person who pinched your bottom on Friday night and they will forever be indebted to you. Bring on the bubbles! Pisces Hit me baby one more time. Where’s your head been at this week? Well, things can only get better from now on, but make sure you patronise the kebab man. Lovely jubbly, with a bit of jelly on the plate. Agadoo, and all that jazz. Heads, shoulders, knees and toes. You know it makes sense.

by Psychic Sandy
Cancer Well, Christmas is coming, so hello shopping spree! Oh no. Have fun with the credit card (not too much, mind), and really, really think about what you’re gonna get. Nobody wants a Santa hat. Face it, we’re all a bit old for that now. Leo Oh no, not you again! What are you, a stalker? Stop calling me! Security..! Don’t stress, I’m sure you’ll pass your exams…just make sure you have a few more ‘Armless drinkies. Eat a Happy Meal. Yes I know they’re minging but oh well, someone’s got to eat them. Look at the floor when you speak to me, I am a diva. Virgo Come on over baby. Your husband and daughter are properly missing you. As is Enrique. And JT, who is gonna cry me a river if you don’t come home soon. Bring us back a t-shirt and a stick of rock. And don’t forget your toothbrush…

Aries You loon. You may have been livin’ la vida loca with a certain somebody, but get over it. Anyway, you’re in love with your sister. How do I know this? You are clearly very comfortable in each other’s company, and she loved your Britney drag thing at Fetish. Taurus That dominatrix look was a smart move…it certainly got you doing a bit of bed-hopping this week. Pass the Cristal baby, you’re celebrating! No idea what, but who needs an excuse? Just be sure to buy me a drink, I’m skint. You should be happy enough, I believe we won the rugby… Gemini Get a makeover…you know your mate’s been dying to turn you into her latest project. The cubicles in the men’s loos are always a fun place to snog the Lebanese Blonde AKA Shakira. Have fun at the School Disco. Or had you forgotten about those extracurricular uses for your old school tie?

Scorpio You just can’t keep away from PulseJangles can you? It’s the pikeys isn’t it? Admit it. Don’t see the attraction myself but hey, chacun a son gout, according to RW. And it is an allinclusive night after all, so whatever. Loved the miniskirt by the way, and keep getting the boobies out. Sagittarius Don’t pee in your house. That’s what bushes are for. And that bit in the park and ride behind the recycling bins. Rust-coloured crushed satin trousers with a tapered leg are just the latest in a long line of the wonderfully fashionable clothing in your wardrobe.

- Barefacts Personals You all know the score - send your personals across to, with the subject line ‘personals’ if you please, and as if by magic they’ll pop up in the next issue. Whoopee. Next week’s paper is the last for the semester, so make sure you get all your Christmas personals in by Monday 21st November at 5pm. Remember, if you’re sending in lots, pop them all in the same email! Cheers!
A score at last - well done girls! Bells, you’re a star! Wanted, dead or alive: the phantom screen nibbler. Lost: one Clengie. If found, please return to Jon. “You can’t spell environmental without the word mental...” Shariff - does a CRT monitor taste any better than a flat screen? Well, it may have been going on for over a month now, but what’s that got to do with the price of fish? Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex. Is it me, or have Dr M and Prof T been asking us THE SAME QUESTIONS every week for the past ten weeks? Hello, my name’s Neil, and I’m a girl. Didn’t the Welsh put up a plucky effort on Sunday? Sale of stoles, wraps, and scarves on Thursday in the union - 11am-3pm. Each piece completely unique. Handmade, hand-embroidered, and hand-beaded. Perfect for Christmas and black tie. 10% student discount on production of NUS card. Make mine a jack daniels and coke.. no ice! Perfect! Dude! She saw my feet! Searching for ‘Special K’ in his jungle outfit- but you were behind him all the time! Hi tamara, this is talal, just thought that its time that I Does carpet give u XMAS?!?!?! I reeeaaally need to know the name of your bear! xx Menoo Flick you are wonderful i don’t know how anyone could hate you!! To my Darling L. I’m gonna miss you so much honey, and I’ll always be here for you, and when you get home. Loads and loads of love forever. From your darling Stonefish XXXXX I am the one and only, nobody I’d rather be........apart from that bloke over there with the nice hat. <goes to pay for petrol> Matt:Pump number two, please. Attendant:Six? Matt:Nooo, two. I don’t like being called Stuart, being touched or having my photo taken! It’s disrespectful to be called Stuart OH MY GOD MMMARZIPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aneh aneh aneh aneh, don’t call me Stuart harry potter won!?! For f*#k sake what time do you call this??? Johnny Wilkinson 24, France 7 By day a mild mannered student called Stuart, by night the evil dark lord MAX. Guys can you stop acting like pricks cause I havn’t seen this episode of Pokemon the Teletubby slayer! C, seeing as you read these religiously every week, thought I’d put a message in for you! hope you’re frustration ends soon! I want HK back!! Yes, you know who you are! CxXx I can’t believe I’ve found my birthday twin! Does that mean I’m staying at yours tonight? Definitely! Carlos, I don’t think peering over your neighbours shoulder at explicit porn counts as research for your coursework! Why is a christmas tree better than a bloke???...Its always erect, it stays up for 12 days + nights, has big balls and looks good with the lights on!! Sarah: How does Neil pull every time he goes home?! Matt: cos he has no shame! mr unisport man - can you put circuits on every night please?? people would go - it’s in demand!! To my Eeyore. Happy 3rd Anniversary. All my love, Your very own tigger! xxxxxxxx Hey Troy, you bushy beast, how’s your finger? To all dancers at UniS...Neil was not serious in his reference to the Dance course and does realise that UniS asks arguably the most in terms of theory of its degree programme in the UK...please lift the bounty off his head! x All the bf team are stars! Love from Sarah xxxxx Ben - roll on 17th December, and beyond! xx sheila the sheep... i hope your new owner is taking good care of you.... I will miss you. i believe in a thing called trees just listen to the rustle of my leaves!!! MMMMM Fudge cake WARNING: Boys make sure the house is tidy coz Ruth, Jamie and Kat are coming round to cook Xmas dinner. Shes not subtle is she!!! told u how much I love u, sorry Bilal. x Tam this is Moe, talal told me what he said, and i dont care if bilal gets angry either, ur mine darlin x John you’re about as straight as the pope is young anyone else think amy lee is gorgeous and fascinating? We love postmen Who stuffed the condom down the back of the radiator??



20 November 2003

Quantum Fitness Club
Quantum Fitness Club is one of the busiest facilities at UniS, with over 4000 users. The gym is packed full of equipment, ranging from treadmills and rowers, to free weights and stability balls. Along with all this equipment comes many services supplied by our enthusiastic and knowledgeable staff. Apart from the many classes on the vast UniSPORT programme you can also book in for programmes and fitness tests. So if you’re new to exercising, or just want to freshen up your current fitness regime then you can book a personal consultation with one of our staff members. Alongside this new programme we also recommend having a fitness test done, which include tests for strength, aerobic capacity and body fat percentage. This can be done prior to a new programme and then repeated in a month or two later to see how well your programme is working. If you are not already a member then don’t worry because you can still purchase the UniSPORT card, for £70 which provides you with the free use of the Quantum Fitness Club, and many fitness and dance classes, for the whole year. A full induction is essential so there is no worry of being thrown in at the deep end if your new to a gym environment.

Meet The Team
Gavin Baker
Position: Head of Health & Fitness Qualifications: MSc Sport & Exercise Science (currently studying) BSc (Hons) Sport Science CYMCA/NVQ Level 2 Gym Instructor SAQ Preliminary Award Personal Statement: As Head of Health and Fitness, Gavin shares his time between the Quantum Fitness Club, the Elite Sports Programme (ESP), and the UniSPORT Wellbeing programme. Gavin is the newest member of the team, having previously worked with Sheffield Wednesday FC. His sport science background means that he believes very strongly in regularly testing and evaluating, so as to ensure that programmes are working and what areas to focus on in future. He specialises in improving elite athlete performance with his main areas of interest

Jonathan Field

being power, speed, agility and quickness. So if you’re a budding athlete, or want to get into shape for future competitions, then he is the man to contact.

Position: Fitness Assistant Qualifications: CYMCA/NVQ Level: 1,2,3 Gym Instructor. YMCA Studio Instructor BOXERCISE Instructor

Personal Statement: Jon has been a member of staff at Quantum for three years and specialises in Free weight training and advanced programme writing. Jon studied his main YMCA qualification in London and has increased his teaching and personal training skills massively, running four classes per week which consist of Body Blitz, Boxercise and Circuit Training and has six major training clients, whom he sees on an average of three times per week. Jon is a very keen sportsman and has trained with the NEC Harlequins Ruby Team for one season and then left due to injury. Jon’s enthusiasm and knowledge make him the man to see if your after a programme, or just general motivation. Jon will be with us until January and will then be leaving us to go on new ventures round the world.

Daniel Oliver

Position: Quantum Fitness Club Manager Qualifications: Diploma in Personal T - modules include: Nutrition, Personal Training/Fitness Instructing, Fitness Assessments, Circuit Training, Body Massage, Sports Massage Therapy Paul Chek Scientific Core Conditioning Paul Chek Programme Design Football Association Coaching Certificate

Personal Statement: Dan has been working at UniSPORT for the past 5 years. He is a keen sportsperson maintaining a high playing standard at football. Conditioning from the core is an important component to all fitness programmes with this in mind Dan is focusing on improving his knowledge on the science behind core training. Dan has heavy involvement with UniSPORT ESP squad (elite athletes) and contributes to the Wellbeing programme. Daily duties include Personal Training, Fitness Assessments, Programme Writing and Inductions. As manager it is also Dan’s responsibility to maintain high training conditions for all Quantum users ensuring that the gym is functioning to optimum levels. Dan’s experience and considerable knowledge ensures that Quantum Fitness provides an update cutting edge service in a safe and enjoyable environment. Dan will be with us until January and will then be leaving us for new ventures round the world.

Due to the ever expanding popularity of the gym, Quantum are looking for students who are interested in working in the gym. Anybody with gym qualifications, or who has a keen interest in health and fitness, should contact Dan Oliver. Quantum offers new employees the opportunity to be trained both in-house and through external bodies so you can gain further qualifications whilst you study at UniS. So if you want to join our great team and work in a sociable and relaxed environment then pay us a visit or email

20 November 2003



Convincing Win for Men’s Rugby Athletics: Just Another Club?
BY PETER INNES It was going to happen eventually, and when it rains it pours. Surrey Rugby 1st Team won there first match of the season, and their first home win in over 2 years, last Wednesday when they beat Greenwich University 1st’s by a convincing 53 – 5 margin. The team has been developing dramatically over the last few months and showed promise right from the very first match of the season, when they drew in a friendly at home against Guilford Law. The matches since have been very competitive, with the opposing team never really winning by more than a couple of scores each time. The set-up of the team as a whole has gone through quite a few changes this year with the introduction of a new coaching staff and committee. This transformation has resulted in an increase in popularity, and for the first time in several years Surrey Rugby has enough numbers to form a 1st and 2nd team. Back to the talking point, the win last Wednesday. Conditions were perfect for rugby, sunny and dry with a slight breeze. The first 10 minutes of the game were as expected, fast and frantic with Surrey controlling the game, behind a dominant pack led by pack leader Dave Glossop (Paintbrush). Surrey’s dominance of pressure and possession paid off with the pack driving over for the first try of the match, scored by Dan Acorda (Bacon). A problem in the past with this Rugby team has been their lack of confidence, even after scoring the first try, however today was to prove that the team’s self belief has grown over the season. Surrey soon scored again with a well-worked break to the blind, which was finished off in the corner by winger Simon Rolls. Greenwich, however are an experienced team and they soon answered back with a try of their own mid way through the first half. This however proved to be their first and last points for the day and when fresher fly half Roger Balcher went over just before the break Greenwich’s heads went down. The second half became more of an expedition game as Surrey ran rampant, finally finding their scoring touch. As a brace of tries early on by impact winger Paul Rogers resulting from some excellent back line movement, especially in the midfield, set the tone for the half. Further tries by Ceri Thomas and Jaco put the game out of reach, before hooker Clive Lambden topped it off with a brilliant individual effort, intercepting at the half way line a running it in. Man of the match was given to our hard running number 8 Baron Anyangure. In the end the score line was a formality, the win showed that Surrey rugby is on its way up and the dedication and heart shown by all Surrey rugby players was tremendous. If anyone is interested in playing, or has played rugby before just turn up on Tuesday nights at the Varsity and come and join in. BY ADRIANO SILVA The answer is no not at all, I decided to write this article as I think there are many students out there who would benefit from the athletics club, in fact everyone would benefit something out of it. To start with the team welcomes anyone and everyone regardless of experience, ability or fitness. If you are an athlete and would like to compete then what are you waiting for?! On the other hand if you would like to be an athlete and want to take a chance to compete then wait no more, your time has come to reveal yourself. However the club is not just about competing, if you’ve always wanted to try one of the athletic sports that you have seen in the Olympics then come along too or if you think you are unfit and actually want to do something about it (you should!) then the athletics team is the perfect one, this also applies to those health conscious students (and to those no so health conscious). The athletics club is really about feeling fit, being healthy and feeling confident. We train on the athletics track at the Spectrum and we have exclusive access to it, that is also where the Surrey & Godalming Athletics club train, which means not only have we got a fantastic track but the equipment and coaching from a professional athletics team! Obviously we can’t offer all this for free but for real value for money, training costs only 50 pence per session , (there’s 3 sessions a week but we only charge £1 max per week), alternatively you can pay £20 for the whole academic year, this works out at about 40 pence per session (if you come every week)! So to those of you who have been using the “I can’t afford to go to the gym”as an excuse but can afford “pint training”, you’ve got no more excuses! Training in the fresh air is an experience I personally enjoy more than in a crowded, confined and smelly room, we also train as a team, usually split into a few groups like sprinting, long distance and fitness (quite popular with the girls!). If you worried about the cold trust me, after the warming up session the least I feel is cold! If you interested meet everyone outside Senate House at 6 on Tuesdays & Thursdays (training starts at 6:30 till 7: 30) or contact the chairperson Andy on, so come along and get fit!



Other Sports Results


Athletics London Colleges League Division 2 Andy Moreton 5th with Surrey 2nd after 2 races.










Other Sports Fixtures

American Football PA Surrey Stingers vs Southampton Stags Sunday 23rd November


BUSA Results | 12 November 2003
Badminton SURREY 1st vs Kingston 1st Reading 2nd vs SURREY 2nd Basketball Brighton 1st vs SURREY 1st 5-3 9-0 81-66

BUSA Fixtures | 26 November 2003
Badminton Sussex 1st vs SURREY 1st SURREY 2nd vs Imperial 2nd Basketball SURREY 1st vs London Met 1st Fencing Essex 1st vs SURREY 1st Football Imperial Medics 1st vs SURREY 1st Sussex 3rd vs SURREY 2nd SURREY 3rd vs Portsmouth 4th SURREY 5th vs SURREY 4th Golf Royal Holloway 1st vs SURREY 1st Rugby Brighton 1st vs SURREY 1st Squash SURREY 1st vs LSE 1st Imperial 2nd vs SURREY 2nd

Badminton Royal Holloway 1st vs SURREY 1st 1-8 Basketball SURREY 1st vs St Mary’s 1st w/o Football SURREY 1st vs Roehampton 1st 3-0 Hockey SURREY 1st vs Kings 1st 4-2 Netball SURREY 1st vs Roehampton 1st w/o Royal Holloway 2nd vs SURREY 2nd 34-11 Squash LSE 1st vs SURREY 1st w/o

Badminton SURREY 1st vs Reading 1st Basketball Royal Holloway 1st vs SURREY 1st Football SURREY 1st vs GKT 1st Hockey Chichester 1st vs SURREY 1st Netball Kings 1st vs SURREY 1st Reading 3rd vs SURREY 2nd Rugby Union SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st

Football SURREY 1st vs St Georges Hosp 1st 4-1 SURREY 2nd vs Kingston 3rd 1-3 Portsmouth 5th vs SURREY 4th 4-0 Golf SURREY 1st vs Exeter 1st Hockey St Mary’s 1st vs SURREY 1st Rugby SURREY 1st vs Greenwich 1st Squash SURREY 1st vs Kent 1st SURREY 2nd vs Kingston 1st 3-3 8-1 53-5 4-1 2-1

for more fixtures and results visit:



20 November 2003

Mountains, Caravans and Hypothermia
BY MICHEAL FIELD Recently we have made a number of Saturday walks, including Cranleigh and the fireworks display, Ewhurst, Godalming and the much-anticipated trip to the local Hogsback Brewery. Many of their finest ales made the walk home a near-impossibility for some, so we piled into the metal snake for the short journey back to Guildford from Ash. The following week saw our ever-popular International Food Night, where we get to sample food people have made that originates in their home country. Last weekend we finally got another chance to head off into the wilderness for two days, and went to The Yorkshire Dales. After some appalling traffic on the M25 and also the ‘detour’, we arrived at our camping barn in the Forest of Bowland at 1:30am and what followed will stick in most people’s minds for some time; having been told the key was ‘under the stone’ we proceeded to tear up every boulder, rock, brick and pebble anywhere near the barn without any success. We gave up at 3am and decided to try and catch some sleep in the minibus until we could get hold of the farmer at dawn. Anders proved it’s possible to sleep outside in the North of England in November without dying of hypothermia, but the rest of us enjoyed an uncomfortable night of very little sleep! When we finally got the key it was rather obvious we’d have to forego the planned long walk and instead catch some Zzzzs in the barn. We went on a much-shortened walk up Whernside, the high point of the Yorkshire Dales, where we encountered the strongest winds in memory; we could lean forward diagonally into the gale and not fall over! This made for a more interesting climb than we’d anticipated. Returning to the barn for some delicious spag. Bol. after some beers in the pub next to the start/end of the walk, we were all absolutely knackered so had to turn in by 11pm. Early the next morning, some more trademark grease from Mike set us on our way for a beautiful walk in the Wharfedale valley, until we hit cloud level and lost all view on top of the soggy brown lump that dared to call itself a mountain. The view on the way back down was absolutely stunning however, and we set off home at 2:30pm happy we’d at least done one substantial walk over the weekend. If you’re interested in getting involved in the many activities of the Mountain Walking Society, then visit our website at, send us an e-mail or come along to our weekly meeting at 1pm, Wednesdays, in the Teaching Block foyer. Future destinations include the Peak District, Lake District, Dartmoor and The Scottish Highlands. No experience of hiking is required, as long as you’re relatively fit and reckon you can make it up quite a big mountain (almost everyone can) then please come along!


Archery: SEAL of Approval
BY DAVID JESSON The majority of university archery clubs are members of local leagues and so Surrey has been instrumental in putting a league together (The South-East university Archery League, SEAL). Together with representatives from Imperial College, we have been melding Brunel, Sussex and the University of London Union (ULU) into a well organised shooting machine – at least that’s the theory! The 8th of November saw the inaugural matches with Sussex at home to ULU, but more importantly Surrey at home to Imperial. Imperial were the favourites going into the match, with pundits on the circuit divided as to whether the eventual league winners will be ULU or Imperial. Imperial have had recent problems with illness and star “players” being struck down by too much work, and so some confidence returned that we might be able to beat them. Also, with Surrey’s reputation for good management to be maintained we decided that even if we weren’t going to win we would be gracious and hospitable hosts, with a smoothly run competition and results being delivered promptly, in the luxurious surroundings afforded by Chancellors. With everything ready to go, IC’s archery squad arrived just after 12.30pm, complete with envious comments about our hall (IC have about a quarter of the space available). They were also deeply impressed (including the SEAL coordinator, who this year is from IC) with the effort that we had gone to with clearly marked areas for equipment and waiting. Our own Mike Ampstead was joined by the much respected Ian McGibbon (IC’s coach) to act as judges and with out further ado the match started. A brief hiatus with a few missed arrows was quickly dealt with and so to real shooting. Nearly 3 hours later, with much in the way of mixed reactions from joy due to good shooting to doom and gloom when it all went wrong, IC emerged as the winners, defeating our ‘A’ team by a mere 8 points – much closer than Imperial were comfortable with and almost as good as a win for Surrey. IC also beat our ‘B’ and novice teams, although by wider margins. (In other News: ULU beat Sussex). Special awards were given to IC’s Eloise Fowler and to our own Tim Fox who it was felt really pushed the limits of their skills to put in their best performance of the season so far. A special thanks goes to our computer whizz-kid who wishes to remain nameless, for his sterling efforts in keeping the running totals running and providing a swift and timely summary of the results. Surrey were gracious enough to take IC bowling after, which was more about fun than competion… which was probably just as well! If you think you’ve got what it takes to help us win the league, or you just want to give archery a try, then come along to UniSport, 12 noon, Saturdays and come and give it ago!

Name: Eduard J Scott [USSU Sports Clubs Officer] Age: 21 Sport: Basketball Nicknames: The General Best feature: Level-headedness Favourite position: Standing up (…whilst coaching on the sideline of course) Best thing about my sport: Concept of the team Hidden aspects of sports: Tactical pre-game preparation including scouting of opponents Best single moment of my sporting life: Scoring a screamer (as well as the winner in a 4-3 thriller) from the half-way line as the final whistle sounded in the last U12 school football game of the season Ultimate sporting dream: Coaching basketball professionally Worst injury: Damaging ligaments in my ankle Sporting Idol: Goran Ivanisevic Most embarrassing sporting moment: Whilst refereeing a game, questioning a players eligibility in a junior mixed game (claiming that a girl on the opposition was actually a boy!)

Think your sport is physically or mentally demanding or simply different from all the rest? Then why not Challenge Chops to take part in your sport and show exactly what is involved.