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Thursday 12 February 2004

Published by the USSU Communications Office issue number 1074 free

www.ussu.co.uk

THE UNIVERSITY
I N T H I S W E E K ’ S PA P E R

OF

SURREY STUDENTS’ NEWSPAPER

COMMENT | Simon Peasley on Thunder, thunder, thunder, thundercats! | page 5 UNION | Carol Main on more exciting opportunities with ‘V’ | page 8 SPORT | Federal Sports Day, and more from the USSU Sports Clubs | pages 23 & 24

On Monday 16th February GU2 hite the FM airwaves for a whole month. barefacts brings you more on everything GU2...
GU2 | page 7

COMMUNICATIONS

barefacts gives you the low down on the Big Vote 2004, with details of all the candidates in the Sabbatical elections, and how to vote by post...
News | Below

THE BIG VOTE

The Big Vote is here
BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH EDITOR IN CHIEF ON FRIDAY FEBRUARY 6th nominations closed for this year’s ‘Big Vote’, the Sabbatical Elections 2004. After years of waning interest in the Sabbatical positions, many were shocked and pleased by the announcement that there are 22 students contesting the positions this year. There are also 15 students running in the election for delegates to the NUS National Conference, which is held in Blackpool at the end of March. The most hotly contested position is that of Vice President Education and Welfare, with five candidates running, as well as the option of Re-Open Nominations, an option which appears in every election. Over the past three years there have been only four candidates for the position, with it being uncontested apart from RON in 2001 and 2002, so the number of candidates this year is particularly impressive. For the position of President of the Students’ Union there are four real life candidates, a twofold increase on last year’s elections. For the newly altered position of Vice President Communications, the Sabbatical position with the responsibility for all Union media, including barefacts, there are four candidates, all coming from the realms of barefacts or GU2. Vice President Societies and Culture, a position which was uncontested other than RON last year, has drawn four candidates, all of whom have been involved in various different societies in recent years. After a late withdrawal, there are three candidates for the position of Vice President Sports. The new job of Vice President Postgraduate Affairs, which was created after Union Council in December has drawn two candidates from the Undergraduate and Postgraduate communities. The winner of this election will have an exciting and challenging year, being the first Vice President Postgraduate Affairs in the UK. The 15 NUS Conference candidates range from first years to current Sabbatical Officers. At the NUS National Conference the winning delegates will play a part in deciding NUS policy for the future, as well as electing in the NUS Executive Officers for the coming year, including the new NUS President Campaigning starts on Monday 16th February at 10am, when candidates will be allowed to start canvassing in person, putting up their posters and banners and answering questions from students at Question Time, and on the Union Bulletin Board. Question Time takes place on Thursday 19th February, and is an opportunity for students to hear the Sabbatical candidates talk in person about their thoughts, ideas and plans for the next year. Candidates will also be around campus and the Union during the two weeks of campaigning to talk to students and answer any questions. The all important voting week takes place from Monday 23rd February at 10am to Friday 27th February at noon. There will be polling stations around campus from 10am until 4pm, located in the Lecture Theatre Concourse, Library entrance and the Students’ Union reception, as well as various other locations in the evenings. This is your chance to have your say in who will run the Union next year – The Sabbaticals coordinate everything, from barefacts to Societies to events to representing you on high up University Committees. The winners will have a real impact on the lives of students at the University of Surrey, so make the most of your vote, and use it wisely. You will be able to see candidates’ manifestos, showing their ideas and plans for the future, online at www.ussu.co.uk from Monday 16th February, and in next week’s Elections Special issue of barefacts. If you are away on placement, or not in Guildford on Thursday 19th February, you will also be able to watch the webcast of Question Time online at www.ussu.co.uk.

deputy returning officer scott farmer brief sabbatical & NUS candidates on friday | photo: chris hunter

Sabbatical Candidates 2004
President Richard Benson Oliver Harmer Hashim Alsaidi James Butcher Re-Open Nominations Vice President Communications Neil Boulton Hasan Akil Chris Ward Catherine Lee Re-Open Nominations Vice President Sports Sarah Taylor Stephanie Millington David Glossop Re-Open Nominations Vice President Education & Welfare Lynnette Atkins Jane Birch Zoe Kilb Hayley James Ewan Panter Re-Open Nominations Vice President Societies & Culture Simon Nutbrown Samantha Stevens Martin Stylski Andrew Gough Re-Open Nominations Vice President Postgraduate Affairs Diane Carter Rachel Appleyard Re-Open Nominations

The Vice Chancellor | page 3

Letters | page 4

Big Fish | page 14

Interactive | page 20

2
EDITORIAL TEAM 2003-4
Editor in Chief
Sarah Butterworth comms @ussu.co.uk

NEWS

12 February 2004

One Labour Rebel on Fees Committee
BY PHILIP HOWARD NEWS EDITOR THE GOVERNMENT HAS announced the group of MPs who will constitute the committee to assess and report on the Higher Education Bill, passed at it’s second reading to much consternation. Among the members of the committee are 17 labour MPs, of whom just one is a labour rebel, voting against the bill at its second reading. The committee will be chired by Labour MP Jimmy Hood and Conservative MP Roger Gale. Hood is an old labour leftwinger, and Gale is vice-chairman of the Conservative Party. The government has received a lot of criticism for the bias shown in the choice of committee members - despite 72 labour MPs rebelling, only one of them has been picked. The balance of members (excluding the chairs) will be 16 Labour MPs, 6 Conservative, 1 member of the Welsh Plaid Cymru party and 2 Lib Dems. Soon-to-be member Phil Willis, Lib Dem MP, told education.guardian.co.uk: “They are stuffing [the committee] with loyalists. It is a pity that it does not reflect he feelings on the floor. The government does not want to concede too much at the committee stage.” Among the Labour MPs are two education ministers, Alan Johnson and Ivan Lewis. Mr Willis commented on some of the absent names: “It is a shame that Gibson and Farrelly are not there. They have brought a great deal to the debate and Paul [Farrelly] has been denied an opportunity to speak on the floor of the house.” He is pleased to see certain names on the list, however: “I am pleased that Mudie and Campbell are there, and Time Boswell because he brings a great deal of experience and a sane and calm voice to the committee. But I could not say that this is a balanced committee.” The bill next goes to the committee stage, where the committee debates the issues in the bill and reports to parliament before the third reading in the Commons. The committee is widely expected to focus on the issues of the students’ adjudicator and the setting up of Offa, rather than top-up fees. Instead, rumours are growing that there will be a new all-party alliance opposing the variable fees part of the bill, hoping to remove them at the report stage. Mandy Telford, president of the NUS, was still unfazed: “we remain confident that the deep-rooted opposition to parts of this bill will stop variable top-up fees bring introduced despite the government’s best efforts to the contrary.”

Chris Ward cs21cw @surrey.ac.uk

Editor

Deputy Editor
Neil Christie ms33nc @surrey.ac.uk

Deputy Editor

Ben Berryman ma91bb @surrey.ac.uk

Music Editor

Matt Badcock ms01mb @surrey.ac.uk

Jon Allen bs21ja @surrey.ac.uk

Music Editor

Film Editor

Poorer Applicants Favoured Channie’s Live
Government Higher Education admissions review shows that some Universities favour ‘disadvantaged’ students, over those from higher income backgrounds.
BY CHRIS WARD EDITOR A GOVERNMENT REVIEW of higher education admissions has exposed that a large majority of higher education institutions agree with offering places to poorer students from “disadvantaged” backgrounds on the basis of lower grades. According to the report, these universities support the bias towards students from poorer schools, as they argue they are taking into account the “obstacles” these students may have faced when applying for a top higher education institute. The report is being published by Professor Steven Schwartz of Brunel University, who recently suggested to Oxbridge that they reserve “wild card” places for state school students who excel in their Abarefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission of the publisher beforehand. All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Articles submitted Anonymously and Pseudonymously will not be published.

Neil Boulton cs21nb @surrey.ac.uk

Theatre Editor

Daisy Clay ps21dc @surrey.ac.uk

Literature Editor
Jennifer Walker ph21jw @surrey.ac.uk

Philip Howard ph02ph @surrey.ac.uk

News Editor

Sports Editor
Peter Nichols cs11pn @surrey.ac.uk

Levels. Oxbridge immediately dismissed the proposals. Schwartz is heading the government taskforce on university admissions. 71% of higher education institutions stated that it was “fair” to give students an offer based on lower grades if they originate from a disadvantaged background, whereas 25% disagreed. 65% thought that other factors should be taken into account, such as the size of the classes at the school the pupil comes from. However, 52% were concerned that allowing some candidates in with lower grades than others could expose universities to litigation. The report is based upon the government’s plans to widen participation, where higher education institutes will have to prove their commitment to fair access if they wish to charge top up fees.

CHANCELLORS NOW BOASTS a live open-mic night on Sundays. The event has so far been a total success, bringing in many more numbers than the usual Chancellor’s Sunday night punter population. The start of the term saw acoustic bands such as Alchemy and Yellow Car. Last week, the open-mic night was introduced. Hosted by MaD Soc’s resident nutter Chris “Rael” Jones, many students got involved and provided Chancellors with excellent performances and an enjoyable atmosphere. Due to the success of the events, the Sunday acoustic nights are set to continue with gigs from both rock and jazz groups gracing the stage over the rest of the semester. This Sunday sees local rockers Phoenix Red playing an acoustic set. Entry for all these gigs is free and bands are usually on stage from 8pm. If anyone has any demos or would like to recommend a band then please contact the Restaurant Managers Rob Ellis or Stella Webb for more details.

CONTRIBUTORS
Matt Adams Hasan Akil John Broadbent Dave Chapman Jonathan Darzi Rachael Dobbs Mike Field Matt Fisher Claire Hathaway Chris Hunter Catherine Lee Carol Main Dina Mystris Ewan Panter Simon Peasley Paul Sanderson Sandeep Sohal Neil Tallack

AGMs& notices
Russian Society AGM | 6pm | 19 February | Lecture Theatre A Korean Society AGM | 7pm | 19 February | Committee Room Conservative Society AGM | 7pm | 20th February | Committee Room Christian Union AGM | 8.15pm | 4th March | Tree Top in Wates House

‘Fiesta’ hosted by the La Latina Society - 26th of February 2004 in the HRB (Helen Rose Bar) from 9pm till 2am. Entry £2 before 10: 30pm and £4 thereafter.
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it’s big... it’s getting bigger... it will soon be the biggest
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12 February 2004

NEWS

3

Vice Chancellor Responds over Fees
barefacts’ News Editor Philip Howard takes a trip to the eighth floor of Senate House and interviews the Vice Chancellor about the events that have unfolded over the past few weeks, and ‘that front page’ of barefacts.
In an interview with barefacts’ news editor, the Vice-Chancellor Patrick Dowling explained the university’s position over fees. Of the exchange of press releases last week between the union and the university he said: “as I made it quite clear to the sabbaticals, no decision has been reached.” Professor Dowling defended his position on fees, and his proposal to charge full fees across the board: “the situation is very very clear, and that is that after a period in which the unit of resource in universities has been constantly reduced and just recently stabilised, the only opportunity in my lifetime which has presented itself - that is 40 years in the education sector - to bring additional money has been presented by the bill, and had its second reading in Parliament, and that appears to be the only thing on offer, and my major concern is for the future of this university, and the future of the students at this university.” The VC sees no alternative option available to bring in extra funding, necessary for the future of Surrey: “It would have been unthinkable if we did not take the opportunity to receive some additional money to help us secure the future of the university. I think we have a duty of care to do that, and at the end of the day, any decisions have to go through the proper procedure.” Referring to the accusations of failing to consult students on decisions, he continued “We can make proposals - we can propose all we like, but if they’re not ratified by Senate, if they’re not ratified by the finance committee, not ratified by Council, then they would not be accepted. There is student representation on all of those.” He also offered an explanation of the timing of the university’s press release concerning new bursaries, and mentioning the proposal to charge full fees: “It’s quite clear that nearly every vice chancellor in the land knew that this was the only opportunity going to be presented itself, and they wanted to give maximum support to Parliament, to make sure Parliamentarians - to make sure that the bill went through, because if the bill had fallen at that stage, in the words of the Prime Minister, and the minister, ‘there was no plan b’. And there wouldn’t have been for quite a long time. The timing, I suppose, was coincident with it to try and get the maximum support for the bill. Which anybody who would lobby would do, I mean just the same way as I would lobby for any particular thing that I thought was in the interests of the university. It wasn’t orchestrated by me, incidentally”. Sympathy was offered for students in response to the letter on the front page of the January 29th barefacts: “I feel with the students, any concerns about additional burdens on student finance, but the reality is that I welcome the government’s intention to reduce the financial obstacles to students from whatever source, particularly from financially poor homes, or nontraditional families. I welcome the opportunity to dismantle that barrier, and so I am in favour of widening participation, and allowing people who can benefit from university to benefit from it. So I very much welcome that.” He pays mention to the provision of increased loans and grants: “I also welcome that there is more money up front for students, that they can pay that back when they have sufficient funding to do so. And I think that’s much better than an alternative proposal.” The VC also made specific mention of part-time students, who currently receive no government help: “I’m concerned about part-time students - it’s not clear whether this also will affect part-time students, and part-time students are probably 50% of the total number of students that go to university at this moment in time. So there are other things to be fought for and won, you know, there’s more lobbying to be done, shall we say.” Prof. Dowling also explained that the university will be monitoring reactions from prospective students, as to whether the loan repayments will present a barrier to middle class students: “Well, that certainly remains to be monitored - we’d have to monitor it; I suspect it won’t. I suspect it won’t - any research that’s been done to date suggests that that will not be a barrier, but I was very relieved to see that the government are going to monitor it, and review it after three years”. Some students questioned the intention to charge the full fee across the board, asking about the variability of fees, and he responded: “The issue on the variability was again there was no Plan B; that was an essential part of the government’s package. If we did not back variability it was not going to go through, simple as that.” However, he acknowledged that the courses are different: “nobody can seriously argue that ... they are all the same; that the cost of educating a doctor is the same as the cost of educating a philosopher, and so I can understand the principle of why you might have variable fees.” He then explained the proposal: “Why would I recommend, or would I suspect, or propose that we would charge the maximum amount is because it’s what everyone else in the country will do, and if we were to charge less than that it would be sending out a signal which would be totally at variance with a research-strong university - that somehow we were into cutprice education.” He continued: “The important areas in which we need to spend money, first of all, are the students, though in many ways we give back that money to the students; spend it on staff, which are - even in the words of the Prime Minister - are underpaid for what they do, and improving the infrastructure.” The VC takes pride in the positive impressions given by the campus as a whole: “The students on their own admission tell me that this is a beautiful campus; this is a nice place to be, they enjoy it.” He explained that he was concerned about the future students of the university - current students are “happy, in general, and so if I have on overriding concern it’s for the future generations of students - it’s not so much for the students we have here ... but it is the next generation of students.” The VC also voiced his concerns that the university remains stable, should the unthinkable happen: “I postulated that anything could happen, for example, we rely ... on overseas students’ fees, quite a lot, to give us the fees to support what we do for our home students here. Nobody imagines that one thousand two hundred pounds is the full economic cost of the course - so we have to have other ways of making money, and anything could happen; the portfolio could become totally unbalanced - suddenly SARS spreads over south east asia, we would be devastated, and so we would be very foolish not to try and have a new source of income to ensure the future stability of the university, for future generations of students and staff. I live in the real world, we all live in the real world; we can postulate as much as we like about what we might do in the perfect world, but this is not a perfect world.” When questioned on how he thought the bursaries might affect student fees, he explained the focus of the courses mention: “Well, I’ve just floated that as a proposal and I’m not saying that it would be. I’m concerned about areas ... which I consider to be of national importance. And they include areas certainly that underpin the new knowledge economy in science and technology.” He also mentioned his concerns over other courses: “Certainly it includes those areas, particularly engineering and technology. But it also includes modern languages - there, there has been a tremendous drop-off of interest in modern languages.” Continuing, he defended the choice of subjects: “it’s not just related to engineering or science. It’s wherever it is, in the national opinion, important to recruit students and if we have the flexibility of being able to use our money to encourage that, or make do, or to supplement or subsidise students coming in there then I think we’ve got a national duty to do it.” Professor Dowling was also asked how he expected the balance of undergraduate and postgraduate student numbers to change in the future: “I certainly would expect to see the postgraduate population increasing, and I would expect to see the undergraduate course increasing at a rather slower rate because the government has put restrictions on the funding of undergraduate courses.” He continued: “But we will compensate that by putting on courses which are using different modes of delivery - outside this campus, encouraging part-time work-based learning, encouraging all the other modes of delivery. I want to continue to have a high quality undergraduate cohort here, which we have, the very lifeblood of the university”. He tried to allay fears of Surrey losing undergraduates altogether: “without them, there would be very little point. There is no intention of turning this into a research institute with no undergraduate students”. The VC later responded to a question about how the flat fee regime would affect students’ perceptions: “Which stop people coming? I don’t think it’s going to go, as long as our courses are better than most other people’s. We’ve got some very interesting things happening.” He then mentioned a new course to be run from September 2005: “we’re introducing a course in politics and international policy. This’ll be the first time we’ve put on a course in politics in this university - that’s due to be introduced in September 2005, a lot of interest in it.” He again emphasized that he was not neglecting the School of Arts: “So I’m about strengthening our School of Arts and its offerings. Law, which is housed within Arts, is going from strength to strength. Languages, I’ve told you about, that I’m concerned and we need it to take whatever action is necessary to strengthen the uptake in languages.” He later continued: “I’m also very keen on fine arts and performing arts. I don’t think you need to go very far to have that demonstrate I take a very keen interest in the architecture of the new buildings. I take a very keen interest in the art, music and performing arts on this campus. I have supported, together with Sir Rupus Pierce, the proposition of putting 1% of our capital funding into arts and humanising the university, and if you look in my entry in who’s who and elsewhere you’ll see that that’s one of my interests. Anyone who thinks ‘he’s a clodhopper from wherever it is’...” He finished with a parting reminder of what the university is: “’We are the university’. We all are the university. The university is the staff and the students, the gardener, the guy who cleans the toilet - it’s not just the students. It’s everybody.”

4

LETTERS

12 February 2004

opinion

Letters to barefacts
Letters must be received by 12pm on the Friday before publication to be published in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | barefacts@ussu.co.uk Dear barefacts, A thousand students live in Park Barn and Westborough - that’s one in ten residents. It is highly likely that this number will increase as the University continues to expand. There is a community development agency here called Community Works and we have an appeal to make to students: Even though you may only be with us for a couple of years here please think of Park Barn as your home. We welcome the vibrancy and fun that students bring to an area and the regeneration that a local university brings. You, the students, are one of our most valuable resoures- so please make your home with us! That means treating it like your home town or village though. There is so much potential in all of you to help us transform our community. It is great to see some of you starting to broaden your horizons, (and your CV’s). Please come and get involved: get to know your neighbours, recycle your waste, help keep the environment clean and most of all- GET INVOLVED SOCIALLY. Through Carol Main at the USSU V-Project and Community Works you can help out in Youth Clubs, at the day centre, in kids groups, up at the allotments, in the parks and through the local paper amongst other things. We’ll help you think up and start up brand new projects, campaigns or groups because for people like you the sky is the limit, (and don’t worry about the dosh- thats covered!). Thanks- and good luck with your studies, (and the rest!), YOURS, ANDY TRENIER COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT WORKER COMMUNITY WORKS For more information about volunteering in the Park Barn area, on anywhere else, contact Carol Main at c.main@surrey.ac.uk, or pop into the Activities Centre in the Students’ Union

www.ussu.co.uk/barefacts

Hope you enjoy barefacts this week. It’s been a labour of love, and a time consuming one at that! It’s 5.30pm on Wednesday, the paper should be at the printers, and for some reason noone on the layup team, including myself, realised that there was nothing for barefacts opinion..... .... until now.... so I guess that, this week, barefacts is unfortunately opinionless. Happy reading. Love from Sarah xxxxx

Dear barefacts It is with great interest that we have followed recent events regarding higher education, particularly the university’s stance on the proposed increase of tuition fees. After studying the university’s press release, we welcome UniS intending to offer scholarships to undergraduates studying engineering and science based courses. We find it hard to understand the negative reaction this has generated from the barefacts community. Surely increasing the number of students graduating from these courses is good, not only for the university, but for the national economy as a whole. We believe this should be seen as beneficial to science based degrees and not detrimental to courses such as music. Unfortunately, there is a shortfall in higher education funding which somehow needs to be addressed. Why should UniS be chastised for a decision which we believe in time other institutes will replicate? KIND REGARDS. LEON AND KEVIN SCHOOL OF ENGINEERING UNDERGRADUATES

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Health Centre Bottom of University Court, opposite bus stop at the top of Yorkies Bridge. Tel: 01483 689051 or ext 9051 (internal) Open: Monday - Friday | all year round Semester: 9am - 6pm | Vacation: 9am - 4.30pm Emergency Nurse available 24hrs, during semester Counselling Service Ground floor of House 23, University Court, between the Duke of Kent building and the Health Centre. Tel: 01483 689498 or ext. 9498 (internal) Open: Monday - Friday | all year round Semester: 9am - 12pm | Vacation| 9am - 12pm Chaplaincy Bourne Flat, Surrey Court - Opposite Seasons Restaurant Tel: 01483 682754 or ext 2754 (internal) Open Lunch: Thursdays 1pm - 2pm The University of Surrey Students’ Union Provides help and advice on academic problems as well as welfare issues. Located in Activities Centre in Union Building Tel: 01483 689228 (VP Education and Welfare, internal ext 9228) Open: Monday to Friday | all year round The Student Advice & Information Service (SAIS) Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court, by University Hall Tel: 01483 689261 or ext 9261 (internal) Open: Monday to Friday | all year round Semester: 10am - 4pm | Vacation | 11am - 3pm Closed: Mondays, 9am - 1pm

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For more information contact Claire Iles on welfare@ussu.co.uk or (01483) (68)9228

12 February 2004

COMMENT

5

Past Refreshed NME Awards: 2004
Simon Peasley takes a trip down memory lane and revisits those hallowed days when children’s television was actually good...
Recently, the coveted pages of Barefacts have been a breeding ground for ill temper among the students, the sabbaticals and staff of the University. Top-up fees and the University’s stance over the whole issue has taken up a lot of column space. As serious as these issues are, we should take a moment to breath. Only so much can be achieved my mouthingoff other people. ‘Frankie says relax!’ This article will bring back some good memories, and reveal the shortcomings of the present. People look upon life with certain nostalgia. Mine normally hits when I’m watching TV and one of these new ‘Pokewiener’ cartoons comes on. I ask myself “What the hell happened to all the good cartoons? Transformers, Thundercats! The misinformed youth of today need you!” I think the parents of yesteryear even preferred the songs that accompanied those cartoons: “Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats!” compared to some rap about ‘Pokewieners!’ Sometimes it feels like everything that is good in the world is locked up in the past and is only accessible if you’re watching UK Gold. Dammit, somebody bring back Noel’s House party! People yearn for the past, it seems like such a safe place. If the kids today could speak (since they all have speech impediments after watching too much teletubbies) they would ask what we did back in the day, before the Internet, text messages and having sex at 11. You can answer that yourselves but mine would generally evoke memories of having fun with friends at school singing, “When I Come Around” by Green Day, Christmases receiving Lego and summers spent doing pretty much nothing. Oh, happy days. Even movies were better back then, I’m talking about the proper cheese adventures movies such as ‘Back To The Future’ and ‘Ghostbusters’. As cool as some films are today, what will ever be cooler than the coolest itself: ‘Cool Runnings’. There is no need for Hobbits when Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd are kicking paranormal butt. Who needs Bullet-Time when you’ve got a Dolerean that can travel back in time? Those pesky kids, that’s who. Of course much of the past can stay there. And those trying to get Peter Andre re-released should recall how much they hated the guy (‘s music). Not only do we yearn for the past, but we certainly laugh at it too, The Spice Girls and pretty much all pop songs circa 1989 – 1997. But when you think about it (concentrate now) even songs by “artists”, such as Gary Barlow and Boyzone are better than the crap on the radios now, i.e. The Fast Food Rockers. The Fast Food Rockers just defines this era of nonsense pop that sounds more like the noises made after a bit too much vindaloo rather than music. Obviously this is a lighthearted reflection on a time less complicated for all of us and there are many things in the past that should not be conjured up, but a part of me will always crave one more series of Thundercats or one more Christmas when I actually got cool presents such as Lego ships and He-Man figurines. So, my friends, it’s time to think of ways to bring back the good old days of Gladiators and refreshers bars, Mutant Turtles and Saved by the Bell. Write to your local MP, canvass support from your parents who probably preferred buying you Lego/Barbie rather than your younger brother/ sister who now wants something called a NeoPet, organise protest marches around ITV, tell them we liked the old series of Power Rangers much more. The world leaders need to know. Forget the talk about Top-up fees; the kids of today wont get to University if they keep watching Barney. b a r e f a c t s @ u s s u . c o . u k

Neil Christie takes a trip down to Portsmouth for the annual NME awards, and likes what he sees.
For the second time in two weeks I’m writing about a novel (ish) experience. I’m a bit worried about what next week has in store for me, because at this rate it could be something like cordless bungee jumping. But alas, once again I shed my Essex roots and head to the NME Award Tour in Portsmouth. I was promised more bass than the two 14” speakers in the back of my mate’s Saxo, so felt compelled to see if this could live up to such a feat. It has to be said, I was a bit apprehensive about going to the NME Awards tour. Although I listen to pretty much any music, it has to be said I don’t frequent gigs as much as I would raves. Glow sticks replaced with ‘illegal cigarettes’ seems like a poor selection to me. However, I was optimistic and ended up having one of the best nights yet, from start right through to the finish. First of all – thanks to who ever it was that left £20 in the ATM machine outside the union. Not only did you fund our (myself and Matt Adams – who’s written a more informative report on the music in this week’s barefacts) McDonalds on the way there, but also our drinks for the evening. We had a great night, thank you. However next time you want to check your balance, avoid hitting “withdraw cash”! To be fair, we did try and find who it was that left the money there – but thought it must be a sign of things to come. And we were right! Portsmouth Pyramid Centre. Basically, a big theatre type place on the seafront. When driving to the venue, we had already decided to hunt out the nearest McDonalds. After about a 12 minute drive we found one, and proceeded to use three vouchers to get (between us) 2 Big Macs, 2 Quarter-pounder with Cheese meals, and 2 McChicken Sandwiches. A hearty feast indeed! The guy behind the counter clearly didn’t want to enforce the bold rules on the back which stated “no more than one voucher to be redeemed per person per day”. £7 (of someone else’s cash) later and we were stuffed – so on to the venue. Now, I don’t know a lot about ‘music’ (i.e. things not made on a computer and released on CDs starting “Underground…”), but upon entering two things hit me. Firstly, the absolute stonker of a choon that was being performed. Secondly, I’d walked back into my school hall and it was, in fact, Battle of the Bands for Charity week. There were kids that shouldn’t have been out that late, let alone drinking – and parents being ushered towards the back. The ‘student’ 19-24 year old population was somewhat lacking in number, but we acted immaturely enough to stand out so that was just as well! First things first, grab a beer. Secondly, admire the talent on offer. Thirdly, watch the performance on stage. A few things struck me on the third point. One was the big screen that had ads in between acts changing over. Quotes such as “I like seedy. The more disgusting the better”, and “We’re really horny bastards and we get a lot of sex on the road” immediately drew my innerself to thinking about taking up a career in rock music. After hearing the first two acts my mind was made up – “this is for me”. The music was fantastic, I could feel my neck aching from the head-banging I subconsciously had subscribed to, and I was feeling an incessant drawing feeling to the mosh pit in the middle of the arena. With lyrics like “go down, go down, go down” is it really any wonder I wasn’t feeling in my element? The Von Bondies – a name to remember. Buy their album – it’s out on the 9th February. As I write this I don’t have it. When you read it, I will. I digress, the emotions were running high. I was even having a sadistic enjoyment of the ridiculously bright lights shining in my eyes and making them water (along with the smoke and beer flying everywhere). In addition to the music making my ears bleed (again – positioning ourselves next to rather large speakers towered on top of one another wasn’t the brightest thing we could have done), it was heavenly. The crowd surfers were my idols, and the tongue-tied security guards suddenly had a job that would appeal to me if I didn’t make it ‘big time’. But wait…it was all far too good to be true. The third act, “The Rapture”, came and spoiled all my dreams. Sorry if I’m insulting anyone’s tastes here, but they sucked far greater than a Dyson cleaner in comparison to what we heard both before and after. The night’s sting was taken out by their set. I could have reproduced the same kind of sounds they were making by offering a guitar and microphone hooked up to a ten giga-watt system to my three year old niece at the time she’s throwing a tantrum. It was shockingly awful. Strangely, not all of the crowd shared this view. However, most of the crowd were probably stoned, hammered, or over-tired so it doesn’t stand up to much. So we took the opportunity to have a look at the merchandise on offer and get another drink (also free – ta again to the money fritterer) and escape the sweating maul of bodies. The final act – and if there are hopes of me mentioning any more names or bands in this article let them be quashed now as I don’t have a clue, were also good. Matt found them “too heavy” for his liking, but with my uber-frame I managed to support their weight and appreciate the return of headbanging sounds. All in all, a mighty fine time. One issue I did have was with the “more bass” claim. All I can say is that until you’ve fully appreciated a sound test on a fully ICE’d motor, don’t go making rash assumptions, and if Matt’s ears have stopped ringing by the time you’re reading this, he may not be quite so old as he seems. For all the pictures and movies we took of the event, check out our GU2 website: www.neilandmatt.co.uk

6

COMMENT

12 February 2004

UniS: Exclusively for Engineers
In a slight change of stance from his pro Top Up Fees article in week one’s edition of barefacts, Paul Sanderson offers up his opinion on the University’s stance on different subjects.
I’m writing this feeling most unimportant, insignificant and really quite humbled. Up until about two weeks ago I was feeling a remarkable sense of self-satisfaction with my whole university experience. I had settled into my new life without too many problems. Despite my mother’s predictions that I would wither up and die without her, I was managing quite nicely thank you very much; my room isn’t the dump that everyone predicted (I’ve even cleaned twice); I haven’t wasted away as was foreseen (I’ve worryingly put on a stone since the start of the year); and I’ve learnt to cook (pheasant was this week’s culinary delight – and a bargain it was too). That is, until the vice-chancellor decided to label 11,000 Surrey students ‘unimportant’. In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last few weeks, the higher education bill got through parliament and now variable fees are a real possibility in Britain’s universities. Now, this isn’t the problem; I personally think the bill is positive and variable fees will be good to ensure that the Sociologist doesn’t fund the Surgeon. Those courses that are cheaper to teach will cost less than the expensive ones, right? Wrong. This university will charge £3000 for every course. Perhaps I could let this go if it weren’t for the ViceChancellor’s attitude that some students are better than others. In case you missed it, there was a press release outlining the university’s stance on the future of higher education which confirmed that students doing ‘subjects of national importance’ (engineering) would get bursaries whilst those doing insignificant disciplines wouldn’t. Naturally, the offending article has been replaced by a more euphemistic one but the facts don’t change; the engineering-dominated management considers the majority of students inconsequential, irrelevant and worthless. In other words, the Senate wouldn’t collectively relieve itself on us if we were on fire. Obviously, they would refute my claims (if they bothered to read articles by little old me) and say that the university is simply trying to specialise in an area that undoubtedly plays a serious role in the development and infrastructure of the country. They would also say that they are trying to give the university a direction and make one department a national leader in its field. So, what’s the problem? Well besides the obvious point that it makes second class students out of the vast majority of us, I don’t see any reason for specialising. To put it in easily understandable terms for the moneyorientated Senate, the university needs students. What the opponents of top-up fees fail to realise is that for every £1200 that we pay, the taxpayer pays the same five times over. Therefore, more students mean more pennies. Specialising will only put off students and if UniS claims to be any more science oriented than it already does, the Arts numbers income will reduce dramatically (Arts being around the third biggest department/source of capital here). Furthermore, as a linguist, I think that there are far more important things in society than engineering. If it weren’t for the early philosophers creating the modern political orders then contemporary society wouldn’t exist. If it weren’t for psychologists then current society would be unstable. If it weren’t for linguists, then North Korea might be able to unexpectedly drop nuclear bombs on the world, thus destroying society. If it weren’t for society, we wouldn’t need engineers because we would still be deer-hunting cave-folk. But then I would say that. It seems to me that the university would be better generalising if it wants to climb the league tables. Instead of trying to attract lots of mediocre students into one department by offering them free money, the university could invest this money across the board. If there were some kind of scheme whereby people gaining, for example’s sake, AAB in their A levels, got £1000 then the whole university would be enriched. You would get the most able students coming to Surrey and the result would be more firsts being awarded, more research being done (more money, Senate House) and UniS going up the league tables (these being two major criteria on which universities are judged). After a few years, we would start to attract more and more able students to every department and will gain a reputation for being one of the best at everything (or at least for handing out lots of firsts). Would it work is the question? One little compound word for you: Oxbridge. They aren’t the best at everything yet they attract the most able students year after year just because they have a reputation for generally being good. According to The Times, Aberdeen was best at French and Sheffield was best at Russian. Did I apply to these two places? No. Did I apply to Oxford? Yes. Clearly, this place will never be Oxford but it shows that generalizing is the way to go if you want to see a steady improvement in reputation, status and bank-balance.
The UniS Press Releases can be found at: www.surrey.ac.uk/news/releases/bursary_ 04-2201.html www.surrey.ac.uk/news/releases/funding_ 04-2601.html

photo: chris hunter

Prepare to be Wallpapered
BY PHILIP HOWARD I can see it coming, as I sit here. I can feel the price of paper skyrocket as demand triples, quadruples. I can see the look of fear in the blue-tack, and the smug grin of the clouds. Have I gone mad, some are asking. Others know, however, of what I speak. Its imminence can be read in this paper and the last, on the internet, and in the creases on my forehead. What is imminent? The wallpapering. The elections are immaterial, the candidates fixed, the manifestos variations on an upbeat clique-be-dammed theme, but that is all nothing to the wallpaper. The wallpaper rules: covering, enclosing, binding. Like accidentally hitting Apply on a garish desktop theme, or sending a child to pick out paint from the DIY shop. The styles will clash, the shapes, colours, fonts, slogans - all demanding your attention, but by their number becoming a muzak blur across the back of your eyeball. You cannot look away, without seeing more.

Less than 1 in 10 turn out to vote. I doubt more than half of those know of any differences between the candidates, and fewer still will care. But the wallpaper affects all but those away on placement, cut off from the spectacle of a campus in a brown paper bag, newspaper shades merging into a flock wallpaper too garish for the most overdone faux Indian restaurant. The wallpaper itself is a candidate, screaming for your attention, but doing so passively, and with a smugness that I can well understand. For whatever the reason behind particular poster, whatever the slogan, whatever the draw, the wallpaper has won. It can unite with others, a firework display of manipulation, a smorgasbord of bland demand. The paper has coerced so many candidates to put it on every available wall, every inch of permanent landscape. A means to an end for the candidates, but victory for the attention-seeking paper. Paper, on walls. Despite the slogans, this is Campus Wallpaper.

12 February 2004

107.3fm
G U 2 R a d i
Yes, it’s that time of year again, when your very own Student Radio Station, GU2, hits the FM airwaves around Guildford and beyond. From Monday 16th February 2004, for one month only, GU2 Radio will be broadcasting on 107.3FM. This means you will be able to listen to all your favourite programmes and more in crystal clear stereo wherever you are in Surrey. GU2 is run solely by students, who coordinate all the behind the scenes running, as well as DJing radio shows 7 days a week. There will be all manner of exciting things happening over the next month, including a huge launch party (see the ents planner for more details), outside broadcasts and the chance for you to win loads of exciting goodies in competitions. All you need to do is tune your radio in to 107.3FM or type in www.gu2.co.uk to listen online. Make sure you don’t miss out on one of the most exciting events to hit student media at Surrey for a while. Remember, tune in to GU2 Radio on 107.3FM and 13120AM/MW and visit www.gu2.co.uk for more info and to listen online!

GU2 - 107.3FM

7

Do You Know
Assistant Station Manager Hasan Akil gives you the low down on all things GU2

GU2?

www dot o gu2 dot co dot uk

I am here to give you a bit of a recap of what and who is GU2. Because I personally feel that you students need to know what you got! A quick history of GU2 radio station - We have been around for almost 4 years and the quality of our service has increased so much that a new scale system has to be drawn out just to show how successful we have been. We came from having the bare necessities and using very old parts from GCR a predecessor radio station, to now having two lush sound proofed studios and an office. We have certainly come from a long way in the past years. This all showed when we were so good in 2002, that we won the award for Best Student Radio Station in the COUNTRY! And now we have a healthy range of music and DJs to suit all you students out there (well the large majority of you) and provide useful information on what is happening on campus.We are one massive society and about half the jobs don’t even involve being a DJ. We have so many other sectors that are equally if not more vital to the running of the radio station like Advertising, Marketing, Programme Controller and Technicians are just some of the examples of jobs that are required. So if you have an inspirational idea for a radio show, or want to help out in the running of GU2 radio station then come to the meetings, which are on every Thursdays 6.112pm at Hari’s Bar and speak to us and we would be glad to help or discuss ideas. If you just want to listen and hear what all the fuss is about then tune in to GU2, broadcasting on 13120AM (which is exactly the same as 13120MW) all year round, and from 16th February to 14th March on 107.3FM. Tell as many people as you know, because it will be a very exciting time so listen out!

co uk Gu2 codot wwwdot wwwdot dot dot

8

UNION

12 February 2004

Calling Placement Students...
.... you can still vote in the Sabbatical elections
This year USSU are operating a postal voting system so that even if you’re not around in Guildford at the time of the elections, you can still have your say on who are going to be the next team of Sabbatical Officers. All you need to do is cut out the form below, or download one from the elections section on www.ussu.co.uk and send it, along with a photocopy of your Union card to Scott Farmer, at the address at the bottom of the form. To find out about the 22 sabbatical candidates and 15 NUS conference candidates standing for election, and to make your decisions about who to vote for, check the Union website from Monday 16th February to see candidates’ manifestos online, or view them in barefacts the following week. You will also be able to watch the webcast of Question Time on Thursday 19th February, and can even ask questions to them online. Keep an eye on www.ussu.co.uk in the coming weeks for everything you need to know about The Big Vote 2004. The Sabbatical elections are one of the most important times of year for the Students’ Union - afterall, they are deciding who will be running the organisation for the coming year. Every single student has a vote in the elections, and can run as a candidate. To find out more information about Elections 2004 then contact any of the Sabbatical Officers, or Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer, at s.farmer@ussu.co.uk. There are only a couple of days left, so remember to send off your application form to arrive at the Union by Friday 13th February, and you must include a photocopy of your Union card. You will recieve your postal ballot during the week of Monday 16th February.

Fun on Stoke Park!
A local infants school is linking together for 2 mornings with Disability Challengers (who run a playcentre, sports club, activity weekends etc for children and young people under 212 years) on Thursdays 11th and 18th March. It is an awareness raising event where there will be a talk for the local school children about the organizations, then the children will be able to play. They are looking for up to 112 students to go along and join in on the day.

Student Volunteer Conference
Why not go along to a conference especially for student volunteers where you can meet like-minded individuals, have fun, attend seminars and go to a new town! The annual conference by ‘Student Volunteering England’ is being held in Coventry from 27th-29th February. Book your place ASAP!

Battle of the Bands
This amazing annual event where local schools battle it out to win a top prize and the honour of being the best local school band takes place in the USSU over 2 Sundays with a semi-final and final. The dates are 14th and 21st March and volunteers are needed to help out on both days – it will be a fun time and is a fantastic opportunity to learn new skills.

RAG Collection
On Saturday 14th February RAG are holding a half-day street collection in aid of The Anthony Nolan Trust in Guildford Town Centre.

Postal Vote Registration Form
This registration form must be with the Deputy Returning Officer by Midday Friday 13th February. Postal vote forms will be sent out on Monday 16th February If you have not received your paper by the end of Friday 20th February you should contact Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer. Postal votes are issued for the following reason only:
The student will be unable to attend the university during the period of voting
I declare that I will be unable to attend the university during the preiod of voting Signed:_____________________________________________________________________ Name: _____________________________________________________________________

Emergency Services
Fancy spending a fun day gaining a fascinating insight into how the emergency services work together? What an amazing opportunity! St. John Links is the student wing of the UK’s largest voluntary first aid society and they are running an ambulance training exercise on Saturday 17th April, locally – in Dunsfold Park (transport provided – numbers depending). In semester 1 a similar event ran and volunteers from UniS (both students and staff) attended and had a fantastic time! This event will run from 8am until about 8pm and meals will be provided.

I Like Driving In My … Minibus!
Do you hold a USSU minibus licence? We are on the lookout for drivers willing to be added to a database so that when people are on the lookout for drivers we have list readily available of people potentially able to help (don’t worry, your details will not be handed out to anyone just kept on file). Please contact me for more information on anything mentioned above!

Name | Carol Main Te l | ( 0 1 4 8 3 ) ( 6 8 ) 3 2 5 4 Email | c.main@surrey.ac.uk We b | w w w . u s s u . c o . u k / v o l u n t e e r i n g Pe r s o n | T h e A c t i v i t i e s C e n t r e @ U S S U

Address postal vote will be sent to: ______________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ Course: _____________________________________________________________________ Campus Card Number: _______________________________________________________ Reason for Request____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________

FOR OFFICE USE ONLY
Period when student is not at university Issued by Date

Please ensure you have enclosed a copy of your campus card! and return to: Scott Farmer, Deputy Returning Officer, University of Surrey Students’ Union, Union House, Guildford, Surrey. GU2 7XH

12 February 2004

UNION

9

bf introduces:

New Executive Officers
accommodation” as well as ‘chairing the Accommodation ad-hoc Committee’, and carrying out work on behalf of and directed by that committee. Alongside setting up this committee, my other main aim during my term of office will be to promote the NUS ‘Safe as Houses’ accommodation campaign which has largely gone overshadowed by the high profile ‘Stop Fees Now’ campaign. Since my election I have met with the UniS Accommodation Director to discuss the latest issues that fall within my remit, as well as fielding questions from both current and prospective students on the USSU Bulletin Board. Over the following couple of weeks I will be organising a meeting to discuss accommodation issues that are affecting School of Management students who start their placements part-way through the academic year. If you are reading this, and you are a first year management student who starts their placement in January 2005 and have any concerns about finding accommodation for either before or after your placement, or if you have any other queries or issues, then email me (ms31ma@surrey.ac.uk) and I will do my best to help. EWAN PANTER UNION CAMPAIGNS OFFICER I was elected to the position of Campaigns Officer at the first Union Council of this year on the 27th of January; the post was unfilled because no one had been elected in the main Union Executive elections last semester. I decided to stand for election because I have been heavily involved in the Lights Camera Action (LCA) and the ‘Stop Fees Now!’ campaigns since last year. I hope that this article will help to explain what my duties are as Campaigns Officer, and how students can become involved. According to the Union Constitution, the Campaigns Officer is primarily responsible for ‘helping coordinate, publicise and implement campaigns agreed upon at Union Council‘ and to form, chair and publicise the Campaigns Ad-hoc committee. These will be my primary objectives for my term of office, however to achieve these aims I will need help from other students. As I have come into this role halfway through the year I intend to concentrate my efforts on the two campaigns that I am already involved with; LCA and ‘Stop Fees Now’. Whilst the ‘Stop Fees Now’ campaign suffered a major set back on the 27th of January, it is important that we as students keep the pressure up on our elected representatives in order to defeat the top-up fees bill in its third reading. LCA is making steady progress towards its ultimate goal of making the approaches to the University safe for students whatever the time of day, indeed the 23rd of February sees a big meeting between the Union and interested parties which will hopefully see firm funding and timing commitments. The Constitution states that the Campaigns Ad-hoc committee should provide a forum for the development and organisation of Union campaigns; currently however there is no Campaigns Ad-hoc committee, I therefore intend to create one. To do this I will need the assistance of likeminded students who wish to help out with campaigns like LCA and ‘Stop Fees Now!’. So if you are interested in joining the Campaigns Ad-hoc committee or would just like to find out more about about Union campaigns in general, please email me at me91ep@surrey.ac.uk.

MATT ADAMS ACCOMMODATION OFFICER I was elected into my post of Accommodation Officer at the first Union Council of the year. I did consider standing for the post during the Union Executive elections last semester, but being in my first year at UniS, I wasn’t really sure if being an Executive Officer was for me. During my first semester though, I spent some time in the Media Centre working on barefacts, and gradually branched out into the Activities Centre, meeting the Sabbatical’s and other Union Officers. After sitting in on several Union Executive meetings and seeing what goes on day to day behind the scenes at Union House, I decided that actually, a position on the Executive was for me. Knowing that an Accommodation Officer had not been appointed at the start of the year I set about preparing for the job and waiting for the by-election. The rest, as they say is… (sorry, bad cliché). The Union Constitution states that the Accommodation Officer is mainly responsible for ‘representing students who are in either on or off campus

12 February 2004

PROFESSIONAL
Go to the Oak Suite (above Seasons Restaurant) any Thursday lunchtime to get an application form and apply for a fitness test. Dancers are particularly encouraged to apply.

11

Are there submarines in the lake? Have they been attracted here by the Duke of Kent building? Does this explain the sonar bleeps recently heard ringing through the building’s hull? No! That’s the sound of the beat from the Movement Laboratory where people have been jumping, those who have responded to the invitations posted around campus this term. And it’s serious research.

Jump at the chance to earn £20!
They want to find out how synchronised people are while jumping to a beat so that structural engineers can forecast stadia movement at rock concerts more accurately than they have been able to previously. It will take less than two hours of your time. contact: Graham Parkhouse 12 DK 03 | Ext. 6734 g.parkhouse@surrey.ac.uk www.surrey.ac.uk/MME/Research/BioMed/stadia/

the C t ump a J

to earn

Dr Russ
BY DR RUSS CLARK UNIS CAREERS SERVICE Why do employers use assessment centres? These was a time when an interview was enough to convince an employer whether you were right for a job or not. However, in recent years studies have shown that interviews alone are not always reliable. On the one hand, people don’t always turn out as you expect them to when they actually start their job. On the other, some of the attributes which certain jobs require such as numerical ability or assertiveness are very difficult to measure in an interview. As a result, some employers, particularly those recruiting for trainee management positions, have devised alternative assessment procedures. They usually bundle all these together in the form of selection centres or assessment centres. How can I know what to expect? If you’re not told in advance what sort of exercises they are going to put you through you can try to work it out. The clue to it all is the job description. What sort of person are they looking for? If they want numerate

£20

hance

Replies
applicants it’s not unreasonable to expect a test to measure this. If you will be required to display self-confidence in the job, they may ask you to give a presentation in order to assess this. If assertiveness is a requirement, you are highly likely to face some sort of group discussion to see how persuasively you communicate. If the job requires people who can write clear and effective English, you may be asked to draft a letter or précis a document. How can I prepare for them? Over the next few weeks I’ll describe these exercises in more detail and provide a few tips on how you might prepare for them. You might also like to think about getting some practice at an Assessment Centre Workshop. The next one of these will be on Wednesday 3 March and you can book your place by dropping into the Careers Service beforehand. There is also a good video you can watch in the Careers Service. Finally, if you’d like to try a practice aptitude test, they are on 12 February, 212 February and 10 March. Once again, you will need to book your place in advance. One thing is certain, practising beforehand makes the real thing far less threatening.

Valentines Aphrodisiac
As Valentine’s Day approaches, Rachael Dobbs gives you a lesson on the art of seduction - the natural way!
What with Valentines day just around the corner, love is definitely in the air so what better time is there to impress your lover with your vast knowledge and experience in the art of seduction. Ever since ancient Greek times aphrodisiacs have been used as a remedy for sexual anxieties and for increasing fertility. These days, more scientifically robust methods such as IVF are used to conquer fertility problems and so aphrodisiac foods and drink are used more to spice up a romantic evening in. So unless you consider yourself in the love ranks of Hugh Hefner and Peter Stringfellow, here’s some handy aphrodisiac info which could help to ensure your Valentines night is a steamy success… Now there hasn’t always been agreement upon what foods actually have an aphrodisiac affect and some suggestions are pretty bizarre. For example Aphrodite, the love goddess was said to consider sparrows highly amorous (?!!) and mythology states that they were included in many aphrodisiac brews! But I’m definitely not suggesting you serve up a steaming bowl of sparrow soup on Saturday so here are some more appetising alternatives: Bananas are a highly popular aphrodisiac food. Some say this is due to their phallic shape but a more scientific explanation is that they are rich in potassium and B vitamins, which help to get those sex hormones flowing around the body. A slightly more enjoyable one, mainly for us girls, is the wonder that is chocolate. Known by the Aztecs as “nourishment of the Gods” chocolate, especially of the dark variety, contains chemicals thought to effect neurotransmitters in the brain causing feelings of well being and arousal. Drinking red wine brings about similar effects, so combining the two is clearly a winning formula. Wine relaxes and helps to stimulate our senses but remember that more than a couple of glasses will make you too drowsy for any after dinner fun and games. You could always counteract any sleepy feelings with a little intake of caffeine. Dark coffee stimulates both the mind and the body, so partaking in a small cup could help prepare you for a stamina-fuelled all-nighter. Going back to the vegetables, carrots (I see a shape pattern) are believed to be a stimulant to the male. The phallus shaped carrot has been associated with arousal since ancient times and was apparently used by early Middle Eastern royalty to aid seduction. They’re also high in vitamins and beta-carotene so go prepare yourself a big steaming plate of that sexy vegetable. Or you could eat some carrot cake… Another one for the ladies is apparently liquorice, which is said to enhance love and lust, and is particularly stimulating to women. One for the boys and the girls are fruits such as raspberries and strawberries which have been described in erotic literature as “fruit nipples” (!) They can be part of a yummy dessert but are also known to have seducing qualities when hand fed. So now you have some knowledge to go and prepare an enticing, passionate and stimulating meal for the perfect valentines evening. And if that doesn’t get your lover in the mood, you could always try reeling off some scientific facts involving neurotransmitters and hormones. Hey, if it worked for the geeky guy in the Yakult advert, it can work for you too.

science corner

CAREERS EVENTS | SPRING SEMESTER WEEK 4
PRESENTATIONS IBM* MONDAY 16 FEBURARY AP LAB 2 AT 6.30PM IBM will be giving a presentation and running a skills session on online applications for placement students. *Please sign up in Careers if you wish to attend or email c.greaves@surrey.ac.uk A CAREER WITH ONE OF THE BIG FOUR* TUESDAY 17 FEBRUARY 6 PM IN LT M Christina Kerr from PricewaterhouseCoopers will talk about the range of career opportunities within a large firm of chartered accountants. *Please register with Careers if you wish to attend or email c.greaves@surrey.ac.uk STARTING YOUR OWN BUSINESS THURSDAY 19 FEBURARY 6.112 – 8 PM IN LT B Mike Davis from the Prince’s Trust will speak about the help with bursaries/grants, loans, business advice, marketing support, legal advice, business plans and training that the Trust can offer to people between the ages of 18 and 30. INTERVIEWS RAF* THURSDAY 19 FEBRUARY Visiting to hold informal interviews. Vacancies in a wide range of occupations. *Please register with Careers if you wish to attend or email c.greaves@surrey.ac.uk

want to write a bf science article? then email it to barefacts@ussu.co.uk

FILM
Neil Boulton pops down to the Odeon once more, to review the very original and captivating ‘Big Fish’.

LITERATURE
Lots more reviews of your favourite bands, plus some other ones you may or may not have heard - bonus!

A Big Fish In A Small Pond
Neil Boulton once again frequents the Odeon to review Tim Burton’s latest episodic creation. Includes witches, giants, the circus, bank robber, and uncatchable catfish.
Tim Burton’s back – his last film before this, the much sniped at Planet of the Apes remake didn’t please too many people (It was a remake, thus doomed… still didn’t do too badly at the box office though) but now with Big Fish he seems to be in a lighter territory but one which still feels like it has his uniqueness - Big Fish is a story about telling stories, something that Burton has done very ably in the past with films like Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. And the big story we’re dealing with today revolves around young William Bloom Billy Crudup) trying to reconcile with his dying father Edward Bloom (Ewan McGreggor) - Will believes he knows nothing about his father due to his habit of telling extraordinarily tall tales and wants to understand his father before he passes away. This isn’t easy because his father is still telling the same tales and the truth about Edward Bloom seems impossible to find beneath his amazing stories. In the film we see a mix of Will trying to get the truth from his father and the fantastical stories which have made up his life from his (eventful) birth – Is he just lying or is there any truth behind it all? The film is very episodic due to it’s very frequent flashbacks showing us the stories told by Bloom of his life and in a way it’s a bit like Forrest Gump, but not overly annoying in the way Forrest Gump was. All of the stories we’re treated too along the way are great; they’re all winding yarns about episodes in Edward Bloom’s life as he travelled. These stories involve witches, giants, the circus, bank robbery; the most perfect village that ever existed and un-catchable catfish, providing just a small cross section of the events and characters Bloom paints and claims he’s met during his life. Tim Burton doesn’t disappoint when telling these stories, each and every one of them looks perfect - Be it the one about the werewolf or the one about the Siamese twins. The story has a strong Frank Capra (It’s a wonderful life…) vibe to it but never drenches the audience in sticky saccharine like fluids. I enjoyed the film from start to finish – It was funny and lighted hearted but was never schmaltzy about it, never descending to the depths of hitting you over the head with the false sentimentality of a greetings card (Cheaper By The Dozen…. Ack). Burton’s film is packed with an excellent cast, Ewan McGreggor & Albert Finney are superb as the past & present Edward Bloom as are the supporting roles of Danny DeVito and Steve Buschemi. After watching it everyone will have his or her favourite mini-story, mine’s the tale about how he eventually met & married his wife, it’s a film for those with over-active imaginations. Plus the ending is one of the most touching I’ve seen in the cinema for a very long time.

A Tribute T o: Mel Brooks
BY NEIL BOULTON In some kind-of-a follow up to last weeks near-discussion on the topic of spoofs for this weeks decided classic film I thought we should take a glance at the work of one of the other high priests of spoof – Mel Brooks. I said last week that the best spoof films generally come out of poking fun at a broad genre instead of constantly picking fun constantly at a chain of popular movies and Mel Brooks’ film give us some cracking examples of how to do this feat well. Over the years Brooks has done comedic films looking at several genres, Blazing Saddles – Westerns, Young Frankenstein – Horror, High Anxiety – Hitchcock, Spaceballs – Sci-fi (looking quite specifically at Star Wars really) and Silent Movie – Well, looking at Silent Movies. As well as making many spoofs in his time, Mel Brooks also pokes a great deal of fun at his Jewish heritage, quoted as saying “I’m the only Jew who ever made a buck offa Hitler!” and back in the day a lot of the humour was considered extremely vulgar and politically incorrect. Brooks’ first film The Producers, while definitely making a buck offa Hitler has also provided a blueprint that has been reworked many times to form the basis of new films – The concept where someone tries to ruin something by bringing someone in completely unsuitable only for the venture to prove a success. So in this small (almost) feature on Mel Brooks we’ll look at his first two films, The Producers & Blazing Saddles. The Producers is about Max Bialystock, a Broadway producer, who with the help of his meek accountant, Leo Bloom (Gene Wilder) hatches a plan to leave the country with a great deal of money in their back pockets. The swindle is to convince people (Actually Old Ladies which max romances checks out of) to invest in a Broadway musical, promising them a percentage of the box office, then making sure that the musical becomes the greatest flop in Broadway history. In order to guarantee box office disaster they try and make the most offensive musical ever… and they find a script for “Springtime For Hitler” (“Don’t be stupid! – Be a Smarty! – Come and join the Nazi party!” goes one of the musicals big numbers) and think their prayers have been answered. And well, I’ve given the game away earlier, but regardless of their best efforts the musical becomes a success leaving Max & Leo in a very unenviable position. One of the best things in the film is the character of Lorenzo St. DuBois (or L.S.D. to his friends) the rather blessed out hippy they get to play Hitler in the musical (Achtung!, baby – The Furher does not say ‘Baby’!… apparently that’s were U2 got the album title from ‘n’ all). Mel’s second film, Blazing Saddles, was more successful – It was nominated for 3 Oscars and is the highest grossing Western ever made – and follows a near identical plot to it’s predecessor. The evil Hedy… I mean Hedley Lamarr is trying to buy the land that the town of Rock Ridge is situated on, so in a bid to scare off the townsfolk he sends in the worst group of lowlifes he knows (inc. Mongo) and then also sends in a black Sheriff to help scare away the white & backwards townsfolk. The film is just packed with Parody and Farce as Sheriff Bart wins over the hearts of the townsfolk and helps rid them of Hedley Lamarr – The Indians speak Yiddish, everyone in the town’s called Johnson and the endings a tad bizarre, in one film magazine I read the quote “If anyone can explain the ending we’ll give them a fiver”. So, go forth and seek out these two films, I could go on about the funny moments contain within their runtimes for ages – It’ll just be easier if you go watch them for yourselves, they’re both classics and have stood up well to the test of time.

12 February 2004

FILM

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Extra Terrestrial - The Week Ahead
Sometimes it’s unnecessarily depressing that channel five seems to get most of the watchable films, however this week the standard 1 through 4 are fighting back, meaning that no longer will you have to squint at a fuzzy out-offocus screen for an evenings entertainment (I do mean channel 5, honest…) – Just take a look beyond Friday, not a channel 5 film in sight.
BY NEIL BOULTON FILM EDITOR

Thursday
Five | 8:00pm – 10:10pm

12th February 2004
Miss Congeniality | Sandra Bullock plays an FBI agent who ends up going undercover at a beauty pageant to thwart someone-or-other – Michael Caine’s in it too as the beautician hired to preen her from a slob to contest material. The film’s good as far as lightweight comedy goes, but the film has William Shatner in it. And he gets to sing. That’s enough for me. Striptease | Demi Moore has lost custody of her daughter because she’s unemployed, so, like any normal individual she decides to take up stripping as a means to get enough money to get her daughter back. Sleaze, sentimentality and not very funny... not what you’d hope from something labelled a crimecomedy-drama.

And a late night bonus | Chose between No Escape (BBC1 – 11:35pm – 1:30am) – ‘trashy’ futuristic prison film where the inmates have split into a tribe of hippies and a tribe of warmongers, Ray Liotta and Lance Henriksen supply the ham. Or you could have The Slums Of Beverly Hills (ITV - 11:30pm – 1:05am) a ‘quirky comedic’ coming of age drama about a girl growing up in the titular area of America.

Sunday
ITV | 9:00pm – 10:55pm

15th February 2004
Unbreakable | Day two of ITV’s M Night Shyamalan-a-rama(-lan?), Bruce Willis is in it again and there’s some more unusual goings on when Bruce is convinced by Samuel L. Jackson that he’s an invincible superhero, shot full of dark comic-book style imagery it comes complete (possibly as standard) with a twisty-type ending. I preferred this one to the sixth sense myself, it’s amazing how annoying Osment is in the sixth sense… Sense and Sensibility | But if unbreakable isn’t your kettle of fish maybe Ang Lee’s seven-oscar nominated Jane Austin adaptation is (might be a long shot, that). Emma Thompson’s Oscar winning script and Ang Lee’s realism supposedly made this a treat. There must be something there, I have a feeling it sparked off a period drama revival in England… Duel | The film that made Steven Spielberg, pretty much worth looking at for those six words alone. A man leaves his house for a routine business trip only to be chased by giant smoke spewing big rig that tries to run him off the road.

Five | 10:10pm – 12:25am

Friday
Five | 9:00pm – 11:35pm

13th February 2004
The Rock | Naughty military people have taken over Alcatraz and are threatening to launch toxic rockets at San Francisco from their newly claimed vista. This can only mean one guy’s behind it all. Jerry Bruckheimer. Yes – It’s another one of those late nineties Bruck brain tanked action films. FBI chemical warfare guru Nicholas Cage and ex-SAS & ex-escapee Sean Connery are out to teach them a lesson. Excellent. Dangerous Minds | Michelle Pfeiffer is an ex-marine (right) and has now taken up a job as a teacher (…right) and has been given a classroom of underachieving delinquents to knock into shape. This all results in an intense school room drama, which I know I’ve watched and can’t remember much about. I think they go to the fairground somewhere in it. Meh.

Channel 4 | 9:00pm – 11:35pm

Five | 11:30pm – 1:25am

BBC 2 | 12:05pm – 1:30pm

Monday
Channel 4 | 11:00pm 1:05am

16th February 2004
To Live And Die In L.A. | “This cult hi-tech thriller from French Connection director William Friedkin features excitingly kinetic car chases through the City of Angels and hi-energy gun battles choreographed to a pounding up-tempo rock score.” – I’m there. That and it has Willem Dafoe in it. And apparently is a bit like Miami Vice. Aces.

Saturday
Channel 4 | 7:00pm – 9:05pm

14th February 2004
The Madness Of King George | Yes, it’s set in the days of old, in England, and not much blows up. But this film is still worth watching. Nigel Hawthorne plays the titular king who appears to be showing some signs of insanity (in person and in bowel movement) and the story follows the quacks forcing his commitment. The Sixth Sense | M Night Shyamalan’s first film, a ghost story and most will remember that the key to the plot is that kid who insists he sees dead people. Bruce Willis is the child psychologist trying to work the boy out (He should be in a vest blowing stuff up). Most lauded is the twist ending (which people insist they saw coming).

Tuesday
ITV | 12:00am – 1:35am

17th February 2004
Brave New World | Film adaptation of Aldous Huxley’s dystopian tale staring Leonard Nimoy. Sounds a bit wrong doesn’t it… However it’s warned that people who like the novel will probably hate this – they say it’s been far too over simplified. While that’s usually the staple of a Hollywood diet, this would appear to be a TV movie. To use words uttered by Tim last week: Oh Dear.

ITV | 9:15pm – 11:15pm

Wednesday

4th February 2004

Space to rent. Got any cinema related opinions? Hurl them digitally at cs21nb@surrey.ac.uk

Bargain Cinema Bin: The Boondock Saints
As a special barefacts Film Section treat, Neil Boulton supplies us with a proper student review of the type of film you can pick up from that big red thing near the DVDs in Tesco.
The Boondock Saints is a film financed (I think…) by Sky (Those people with the satellite dishes) and is firmly lodged in the bargain bin of cinema; and it’s actually quite good. It posses some recognisable names on the billing, such as Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery and… Billy Connelly, yes, the comedian. The story’s pretty basic too – Two brothers rather irate at the state of things between the Russian and Italian organised crime syndicates in their home of Boston decide to take the law into their own hands after seeing too many of these crime bosses walk free. Starting with an act of self-defence the brothers are soon declared as saints by the local press and with the help of a mob insider they set about cleaning up the town. Dafoe plays the FBI agent hot on their heels and Billy Connelly plays a hitman called “Il Duce”, there’s also a small part in the film played by porn legend Ron Jeremy. Anyway, back to the film, what makes the film interesting and something new to watch is the film’s odd bending of time. Whenever the film descends into a fight just as we’re about to see the action it stops and cuts to when the police find the scene and then Dafoe camps it up and we find out what exactly took place. It’s a B-movie worth checking out, Dafoe’s amusing enough and the odd skew of the action is commendable. The dialogue’s a tad iffy in places but it’s definitely a good evening in waiting to happen. barefacts@ussu.co.uk

Literature
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LITERATURE

12 February 2004

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Perhaps one of the ultimate classics of British literature, Wuthering Heights has been immortalised by numerous film/TV adaptations, not to mention the squeaky hit by Kate Bush. But why has Wuthering Heights earned its title for being one of the most romantic stories written? Set on the eerie, bleak and depressing Yorkshire moors at the end of the 18th century, Bronte tells of a saga of love, passion and betrayal. The tale opens on a dark and stormy night, when a man by the name of Lockwood searches desperately for shelter from the unkindly storm, stumbles upon “Wuthering Heights”; his stay is livened up by the discovery of the tempestuous history that haunts the house and its melancholy inhabitants. Heathcliff (the rough and uncouth current owner) came to Wuthering Heights by being “adopted” by Mr Earnshaw (Cathy’s father). Although Heathcliff is supposed to be raised as one of the Earnshaws, he is treated abysmally by his foster brother Hindley, due to the fact that Heathcliff is a gypsy. Beaten and forsaken, Heathcliff grows bitter, violent and becomes hostile to everybody except save Cathy; albeit there are moments where his actions towards her are just as cruel. The romance between Heathcliff and Cathy I would not really call a true romance; it is more like animalistic lust and passion. Bronte in fact toys with the ideas of Heathcliff and Cathy being soulmates, that they share the same wild and fiery soul. The love between the two principle characters really is quite destructive and unchanging. It is really the sole focus of the book, and is the cause of all the tragedies that occur between the Earnshaw and the Linton families. Their love is so unconventional and improper for their time, it is difficult to see if Bronte is condemning them or making them out to be romantic heroes. Nobody in the book can relate to Heathcliff except for Cathy, as although she is in denial, in personality and temperament she is his twin. Her denial frustrates and angers Heathcliff, who tries to win Cathy over, break down her pride and

Jen Walker explores the unconventional love of animalistic lust and passion in the 18th Century setting of Bronte’s popular classic.
It is also interesting how Bronte plays on some of the gothic imagery and ideas that were popular in 19th century literature. Ghosts have a principal role in Bronte’s pseudogothic novel, but they are always ambiguous. One is never really sure about whether the ghosts are supernatural apparitions or the product of the characters’ consciences, or the general air of superstition that abounded at the beginning of the 19th century. The apparition of Cathy’s ghost to Lockwood at the start of the book may just be the product of his own nightmares. The ghosts are really just used as an expression for the eternal love between Heathcliff and Cathy, or maybe even just to jump on the gothic bandwagon that was popular for that time. Wuthering Heights has a bit of everything; ghost story, passionate lust/romance, psychology and religious allegory. Bronte is also very detailed in her descriptions, mainly to create ambiance also by using symbolism such as the landscape of the moors to reflect upon the emotions and the tensions that brew between the characters. Bronte also throws up the theme of dichotomy; she seems to have put a lot of things into pairs, whether it be landscape features, characters, and even themes. For example the two houses belonging to the two families; each family has two children, and some of the characters have two conflicting sides. She also uses repetition to give the feel of continuity, that Wuthering Heights is a saga with no end, and plays out generation after generation. This is mainly apparent in the parallel treatment of the children and their relationship to each other. In the end, I’m rather ambivalent about Wuthering Heights. I think the story and the psychology around the characters is gripping and very moving, but the writing style of the book is quite a challenge. One of my friends studied it for A-level and said that he had to reach for the thesaurus to understand what was going on. With the old writing style and language of the late 18th / early 19th century, and that Bronte uses local phonetic dialect for some of the characters (which can be off putting), makes it quite a challenge to read Wuthering Heights. This is not an easy read, so if you are not prepared to have the thesaurus handy or have an English A-level it will be unpleasant, but none the less worth the effort. But had Wuthering Heights been re-written in modern times with modern, accessible English, it would be everybody’s favourite book.

live the romantic ideal of being together forever. Cathy on the other hand has a very selfish nature and chooses to marry for status and money. This brings up the possibility of another sub-theme in Bronte’s book; the pride and the precariousness of social class in the 18th century. The Linton’s in the book represent a respectable family in the hierarchy of nobility and money, and hence marriage into such a family will earn respect and comfort. Cathy’s reasoning for marrying Edgar Linton is really to fuel her own pride and gain status for being “the greatest woman in the neighbourhood”. However this convenient marriage destroys her, she paid for this status by throwing away her soul and her “destiny”, which causes her to basically go nuts and die, leaving her daughter motherless, and Heathcliff even more bitter. Cathy defies her own nature for status, hence there is an apparent conflict (which I am sure was very true before the twentieth century) between one’s nature and one’s expectations and culture. Cathy is this social victimisation personified.

The Fly
Little Fly, Thy summer’s play My thoughtless hand Has brushed away.

By William Blake
Am not I A fly like thee? Or art not thou A man like me? For I dance And drink, and sing, Till some blind hand Shall brush my wing.

12 February 2004

THEATRE

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surreytheatre
G u i l d f o r d
Adapted for the stage by David Wood from the book by Philippa Pearce, comes a half-term treat for anyone with children or younger siblings they want to keep busy! Showing from Tuesday 17 - Saturday 21 February, comes a “A sensational, spellbinding success!” . Is it possible to travel back in time? Tom has always believed it cannot be done, but when the grandfather clock in the hallway chimes thirteen times, Tom is transported to a secret garden from the past. Here he meets Hatty and together these two new friends enjoy fantastic adventures in a magical wonderland. But with each new journey through time, strange things begin to happen – and Tom must solve the mystery of the midnight garden! The Birmingham Stage Company is proud to present this classic story, following their acclaimed tours of Charlotte’s Web, The Borrowers and George’s Marvellous Medicine. “A brilliant production, but you would expect nothing less from The Birmingham Stage Company.” (Sunday Mercury). If you’re looking for a magnificent adventure that will truly enthrall all the family, then book your tickets now! While there’s still Time! Performances are at 7pm each night together with matinee performances. Tickets are priced at £14 for Adults and £10 for Children.

&

W o k i n g

Showing from Monday 16 - Thursday 1 9 February at The New Victoria Theatre in Woking, Moscow City Ballet presents Sleeping Beauty, followed by performances of Cinderella from Friday 20 - Saturday 21 February. A sumptuous feast of colour, spectacle and excitement from this world renowned Russian ballet company of over 80 dancers and musicians performing a fairytale programme of famous and best loved classical ballets. Described as ‘a breathtaking whirlwind of colour’ (Brighton Argus) and as ‘a feast of wonderful dancing by a superb company’ (Time Out). A delightful blend of dazzling entertainment, supreme artistry and joyous music, The Sleeping Beauty is the enchanting and romantic story featuring the enchanting story of Prince Florimund and Princess Aurora. Colourful sets, sparkling costumes and Tchaikovsky’s glorious score performed live by the Moscow City Ballet Orchestra. Danced to Prokofiev’s rich score, this brand new production of Cinderella features virtuoso dancing performed with effortless style and impressive grace. A spellbinding confection guaranteed to enchant and delight the whole family. Performances are at 8pm with ticket prices starting at £10.00.

How to get to... New Victoria Theatre, Woking
By car: Woking is just a 10 minute drive from Guildford, and parking is free in the Peacocks car park after 6pm. The New Victoria Theatre is part of the Peacocks Centre in central Woking, easily accessible from the M25 (Jct 10,11), M3 (Jct 3) and A3. By train: Woking is also just a 10 minute train journey from Guildford, with trains going every 5-20 minutes between Guildford and Woking. Box Office (01483) 545 900 www.theambassadors.com/newvictoria/

A Slice of Saturday Night
Let us transport you back to retro 1964, where the hems were high and the fringes low. Here at, Club-A-Go-Go, you can witness the antics of a group of teenagers out on a Saturday night. Witness the laughter, the tears, the break ups, the makeups all accompanied by the psychedelic sounds of the 60’s, that will have you tapping your feet and dancing in your seats. The University of Surrrey Music and Drama Socitey invites you to join Eric ‘Rubberlegs’ DeVene, at his infamous Club-A-Go-Go… Where the music’s loud and the lights are low! ‘A Slice of Saturday Night’ is showing at the Electric Theatre from Wednesday 3rd to Saturday 6th March 2004, 8pm and 2.30pm (Saturday matinee only). Tickets are available from the Electric Theatre Box Office on 01483 444 789. Alternatively they can be purchased in the Union between 12pm and 2pm from week 12 onwards. Tickets are priced £7/£12.
Photos below by Chris Hunter: (left) Brian Perry (Eric ‘Rubberlegs’ DeVene), Nick Wyschna (Rick) & Claire O’Mahony (Sharon) and (right) Kate Trevithick & Lisa Webb (Penny).

How to get to... Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford
By foot from campus: Leave campus by the bottom of University Court, go across Yorkie’s bridge, down the hill and turn right to go into the town centre. Walk past the train station and down Bridge Street. Then turn right along Onslow Street (past the Friary Shopping centre), cut through the pedestrianised Friary Street, continue along Millbrook past Debenhams. The Theatre is just past this large building on the right. Box Office (01483) 440000 www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk/

18

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s le g in
JOHN MAYER BIGGER THAN MY

MUSIC
FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND ESCAPE ARTISTS NEVER DIE Infectious Welsh Quintet FFAF released their new single on Monday, hoping to repeat their glories of last year. They have been headlining the NME Brat Awards Tour. The single appears however to be much like their last one… and the one before. Although there appears to be nothing new about any of their songs I expect this will be receiving widespread radio play. All in all another release from the welsh emo-metallers that will probably disappear as fast as it comes. I’m still living in hope that one day they may produce the goods to go with the hype. p.w.

12 February 2004

THE ORDINARY BOYS MAYBE SOMEDAY B-Unique

SPAN DON’T THINK THE WAY THEY DO Universal Island Records Having toured the UK with great success, including one gig at our very own union, Span release their follow up single to Papa: Don’t Think The Way They Do. With its catchy riff and smooth rock vocals it drags you along tapping your feet all the way to the end. Although if you did listen to it too much you might go a little insane. p.w.

BODY Aware Records

Reportedly a virtuoso blues guitarist, John Mayer wholly suppresses his natural yearning for slide action and twangy soloing a-plenty in the studio, instead delivering meticulously polished teen-friendly pop with the tiniest hint of rock. It is not readily apparent whether this curious dichotomy stems from commercial pressures entirely beyond his control or an overwhelming desire for mass appeal (and, perhaps, money) over credibility – both very cynical viewpoints for entirely different reasons – but the net result is a bland and forgettable exercise in marketing, obscuring any visionary musicianship that Mayer might possess. j.d.

The first thing that strikes me on listening to this track is how much it sounds like The Jam. And not just that, it sounds like a tune that even Paul Weller himself would be rather proud of. To me, this track evokes images of people jumping around in Ben Sherman shirts and riding round on mopeds, whilst simultaneously kicking The Libertines’ skinny little arses back to the East-End. Everybody watch your backs and prepare for the new Mod revolution. j.a. ****

FRANZ FERDINAND FRANZ FERDINAND Dominorecord Band of the moment, Franz Ferdinand championed from every corner including a support slot on their new band showcase NME tour. Debut album from this Glaswegian four-piece show that earlier expectations are not hyped with the stomping rock roll Jacqueline sounding like the Stokes have been transported to Glasgow. Franz Ferdinand start off in blistering form with excellent Tell Her Tonight with harmonic melodies with a mild punk edge incorporating a vast array of influences littered throughout the LP. Number two single, Take Me Out catapulted Franz Ferdinand with all the hype this extended album version combines two mini tracks in one with the unmistakable bouncy guitar led chorus capping of the highlight of the album. To the same high standard Matinee offers a catchy lighthearted slant singing about Terry Wogan on Radio two although the constant repetition of Matinee after a while begins to grate. Self-titled debut, Franz Ferdinand has risen above the hype to show why a lot is expected this year, ignore them at you peril. m.b.

ELECTRELANE THE POWER OUT Too Pure The four piece, all female indierock bands highly acclaimed first LP, Rock It To Moon, drew comparisons with Stereolab due to the 80’s sounding electronics mixed with their indie-rock traits. The highlights of this album, which is produced by Steve Albini (The Pixies), are the melodic instrumentals largely due to the fact that a majority of the lyrics are hard to distinguish. The album contains a European feel with lyrics in English, French, Spanish and German. Standout tracks are the electronica inspired One Thing Is Needed and Love Builds Up as well as The Valleys wrote specially for a choir. Overall most of the tracks are spoiled by the vocals which, incedently, did not appear on the first album. n.t.

INCUBUS MEGALOMANIAC Epic/Immortal Incubus are a back with a sound more akin to their earlier works than their last album Morning View (I didn’t like it) and Megalomaniac is one of those cage-rattling rock songs complaining about politicians. Along the years they seem to have lost their funk elements (They’ve changed bassists too) but they’ve kept the melodic vocals, guitars and occasional odd noises. On the whole it’s a good song, but not Incubus’ best. n.b.

ILYA BELLISSIMO Virgin Used as the music in the ‘Amor Amor’ advert, this single has been gaining airplay through one of its mixes. This is understandable, because the original version is frankly a dull, slow dirge of wannabe ‘Air’. Having said that, the mix (by Ashley Beadle that’s getting the airplay at least kicks some life into the song, with a South American tinged beat that tries to cover the blandness of the tune. The most interesting thing I can say about this single is that Martin Freeman (Tim from ‘The Office’) is in the video - other than that try I suggest you stay well clear of the track. m.f DAMIEN RICE VOLCANO 14th Floor Records The latest single to be taken from the winning Shortlist Music Prize album, O, sees the vocals shared by the outstanding Lisa Hannigan. Along with the vocal duo, the music sees the swirling cello overshadowing the acoustic guitar. Fortunately, it is easy to miss that song is about the all too familiar story of love. The song resembles fellow countryman David Gray but is much more appealing to listen to. n.t.

NORTHERN HEIGHTZ LOOK AT US Sony Music In the absence of a press release – quite possibly for fear of legal action over its highly derivative content if any names are revealed – I am unable to assign Look At Us to any precise commercial dance subgenre, but vocoderised soaring vocals, progressive synth sweeps and a repetitive thudding bassline all surface in all-too-familiar fashion. While this may go down the proverbial treat in clubland, it’s difficult to imagine anyone without a multi-kilowatt sound system and strobe lighting rig in their home voluntarily subjecting themselves to this as I have just done. Twice. j.d.

ARTHUR RUSSELL CALLING OUT OF CONTEXT Rough Trade Records Arty ambient trance, and if you like arty ambient trance then this is what you need. Possibly more for the elitist amongst us as some of the quirks are quite odd. In fact you may listen to the album and wonder just how he came up with it. Genius you suggest? However as we all know there is a fine line between being a genius and being insane. It’s not bad; actually I would say it was good in an open minded reviewer type way, though possibly not the choice of your average chart buying public. p.w.

4AD

THE MOUNTAIN GOATS WE SHALL BE HEALED

The music is the most interesting part of this album. It is a very samey affair as it drifts from one song to the next with the overall same theme and vocals that leave a lot to be desired. Listening to this you could imagine a bunch of guys in college getting high and making what they think is a great record. The musicians are talented as the piano in Home Again Garden Grove shows but they don’t seem to prove it to the full. The vocalist has this whiney quality that is enough to drive anyone completely mad, but don’t let me put you off. If typical middle of the road American college folk rock is your thing, then this is for you. dm

t h ese p ages we r e b ro ug ht to yo u by: j o n at h a n d a r z i, n e i l bo u lto n, l o uise o ’ n e i l l , n e i l ta l l ac k , m at t f is h e r, d i n a my s t ris, co ri n d o uieb, a n d r e w m a l e k , j o n a l l e n, a n d m at t b ad co c k w i t h des ig n by ic k l e sa r ah

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12 February 2004

MUSIC

Athlete embark on their largest gig to date to an expectant packed out academy awaiting last years Mercury Music Prize nominated, Vehicles & Animals debut album. Band of the moment Snow Patrol support slot delight as they roar through the re-released Final Straw LP. The unexpected rapturous response reaches a peak as their top five single, Final Straw concludes this fine display as Snow Patrol have finally staked their claim to join the elite. Down to the main act, Athlete starts the year reminiscing last years glories producing the critically acclaimed debut album. The unquestionable intro to catchy El Salvador greets the band to a heroes welcome eclipsed by dramatic lighting. The enigmatic Beautiful motivates a sing along, hand waving and lifted bodies blockading the stage as the undaunted Athlete breeze through its beautiful melodies. Showcasing material from the, work in progress, forthcoming album at the end of the year early glimpses show a fuller sound but loose that innocent charm achieved by the quaint Vehicles & Animals. Having come off a sold out tour, Athletes admirers cannot be disappointed with innocent lyrics, charming choruses and upbeat accompaniment capping off this winning combination. You Got The Style, arguably athletes strongest single and Westside show the depth from one albums work raising the expectations of their Christmas bound forthcoming album. The mature sounding Tourist, set for future release is among their finest work to date incorporating piano and an intensive sound offering an insight into their musical progression. Ending the show as they declare ‘We’ve run out of songs now’ Shake Those Windows is executed to the same high standard given to each song but seemed overwhelmed by the surroundings a step up too far? Matt Badcock

s ig g

ATHLETE @ Brixton Academy 31st January

s m u lb a
MISERYGUTS www.thesadsongco.com THE SAD SONG CO. A solo project of Nigel Powell (From the now defunct Unbelievable Truth) who currently tub-thumps Dive Dive is very different from Dive Dive’s melodic hardcore sound. The general feel of the album is sort of like a laid back Badly Drawn Boy (Possibly a bit Beth Ortony, who coincidently he’s been invited to support in the past) with gentle keyboard/synth effects. Nigel’s done a good job song writing, producing and multiinstrumentalising (save for a few helping hands on bass) but unfortunately nothing seems to set the album apart from other similar coffee-table classics that have gone before it. And the album’s nowhere near as sad as the titles would suggest, for example the opening track ‘Beginning To Wonder’ along with ‘Pleasure Babies’ being airy reasonably uptempo tracks. n.b.

19

SCISSOR SISTERS SCISSOR SISTERS Polydor

A Perfect Circle Hammersmith Apollo After lectures overrunning and delayed trains it was a miracle I made it in before support Auf Der Maur. Auf Der Maur (formed by ex-Hole members) acquitted themselves adequately but no matter how hard they tried the crowd remained motionless. I can’t but think that they would be slightly disappointed seeing as it was their first London performance ever. However as the lights go down for the second time and APC prepare to enter it becomes very clear who the crowd are there to see. It was

a bit strange that they chose one of the quietest songs (Vanishing) off of the new album to open, though this was set straight with a vibrant performance of the schizophrenic Pet. With a fair mix of songs old and new the performance was as impeccable as ever, with all members making being great look so easy. One of the most memorable moments was the singer’s determination to prove that Americans aren’t funny by making one of his band mates tell bad cracker jokes, much to the amusement of some of the crowd. Another of the highlights of their performance was their light show, with more psychedelia than you can revolutionary bands such as Pink Floyd be washed aside as ‘gay.’ Just because the music is experimental and different without a constant drumbeat and a failed soap actor attempting to sing in tune, it doesn’t mean it isn’t any good. If you listened to it without all these preconceptions, you would be able to hear and understand the talent of the musicians and appreciate the atmosphere and different emotions they created, sometimes just by a few simple guitar chords. Anyone who has listened to Dark Side of the Moon will understand! OK, so maybe I’m getting carried away but this music is too good to be ignored and trust me, it can even be appreciated without the help of certain substances as everyone is led to believe! As for bands like Queen, yes that’s right, the one with the gay lead

can wave a multi-coloured stick at. The encores were done in the most professional manner, they told us to pretend they had gone off and changed rather than make us sit around waiting, and it was the same for the second encore. By the end of the set closer Judith (a crowd pleaser more reliable than a Toyota pickup) the whole place is on its feet, right up through the stalls and it is clear that the band have delivered the goods once again. APC are well on their way to becoming the most successful super-group in the world. p.w.

Ok, you’re either gonna love or hate this band’s reinterpretation of ‘Pink Floyd’s’ ‘Comfortably Numb’ - but try to forget about that for a moment. This album offers a mix of music heavily influenced by the 70’s and 80’s, but has very little disco. The majority sounds like a mix between Elton John when he was half decent and David Bowie when he was great. Starting off with their infectious first single ‘Laura’, the album stays consistently great, albeit for the aforementioned top ten hit, which is not exactly to my (or anyone else I’ve spoken too) taste. This aside, ‘Scissor Sisters’ have produced an excellent album, with a sound that’s perhaps not original, but sounds a lot different than any current band (hey it’s a ploy that worked for ‘The Darkness’, why not for these guys!?). m.f

JOSS STONE THE SOUL SESSIONS Relentless What a fantastic album! Now that’s out of the way lets tell you why. This 16 year old from Devon has managed to capture the essence of what made people like Aretha Franklin, Betty Wright and other such powerful musicians. This is a collection of some less popular Motown tunes that she has made her own, such as Some Kind of Wonderful. Its not all old school though, she has reworked the White Stripes Fell in Love with a Girl, and with The Roots on production giving it that funky vibe. Her silky voice has the authority to make you stop and listen and not many girls her age can say they had Angie Stone as a backing singer. Its Super Duper. d.m.

music: comment
I want to express my growing annoyance of people labelling my music as ‘gay crap.’ At the slightest mention of the fact that I like bands such as Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Queen, people start raising their eyebrows with the reply of, “Er, yeah, my Dad likes all that old stuff.” Unfortunately, coupled with the discovery of where I come from, the standard reply being, “Oh you’re a northerner, that’s a shame,” usually means I end most nights at the union still single and searching for the direction of Pizza man! I appreciate progressive rock may not suit everyone’s taste but how can people who think Justin Timberlake is the most talented musician around dare to criticise my music. How

singer who died, they may be thought of as a bit ‘sad’ but if any of you actually bothered to listen to any other albums apart from the Greatest Hits, you would discover there are other songs just as good, if not better, as the overplayed Bohemian Rhapsody. Its ‘cool’ to like the Darkness though isn’t it? Not that I’m putting them down but ever noticed how suspiciously like Queen they are? Not just because of the dodgy hair styles, but that the guitar solos are very similar to Brian May’s, and the middle clapping bit to I believe in a thing called love is a complete rip off of Queen’s Radio Ga Ga. I know the Darkness are supposed to be ironic, I’m just saying you’re allowed to enjoy bands that aren’t as popular as well as the commercial ones! Also, without artists such as Gary Numan, tracks such as the Sugababe’s Freak like

Me, one of the better songs of pop I think, wouldn’t have been produced. Limp Bizkit’s cover of The Who’s Behind Blue Eyes is another example, but maybe we shouldn’t thank them for that! Also, the awful cover of Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb, ruined by Scissor Sisters but that’s just my opinion. I’ve had my little rant now. Basically I’m not telling any of you that you must go and listen to this stuff. Everyone has their own personal taste and I understand many people may not agree with what I’ve said. Music, whatever genre it is, is to be enjoyed. I just hope that all the ignorant people out there who tell me my music is ‘gay’ can learn to open their little narrow minds and understand that everyone has different tastes, but as long as we enjoy the music that we listen to, it doesn’t matter.

by Anna Shaw

20

INTERACTIVE
By Ben Berryman

12 February 2004

Jumbled Quote

We’ve got some new puzzles for you this week, and here is the first of them. I was playing with some fridge magnets and had made them into a very funky pattern. Later in the day when I came back to the fridge I found out that my nice pattern had slipped down to the bottom of the fridge door. Whilst I was having lots of fun trying to put my magnets back where they came from I thought to myself - “I’ve got a puzzle here!” Each letter appears bellow the column in which it once was placed. Your mission, should you accept it, is to put all the letters back into the grid. Once completed the will show a quote from Mark Twain. You could even continue the ‘cut out and play’ theme from last week’s barefacts and cut out all the letters.... on the other hand, that might get a bit messy...

1 2

pub bf quiz
By Ben Berryman
What number system uses only the digits 1 and 0? In the cartoon series, which cat chases after Tweety Pie?

In In the ‘Arabian nights’ stories, what were the magic words used by Ali Baba to gain entrance entrance to the cave of the 40 thieves?

A Y

H B O

A U B O E

E A U

L T M M

I C A T

S Y A R H

E R P

A R B E D

D O I I F

I N E O U

L N K T

O S G

What kind of creature is a meerkat? Where would you expect to find a northing?

F

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Name the ancient Greek warrior who was killed by a poisoned arrow shot into his heel?

What are close encounters of the second kind?

In In which city was the first underground train service opened in 1863? What does an anemometer measure?

Where in Europe are the only wild apes to be found?

Word Search
As we had a more male themed street fighter quiz last week, this week’s theme for the barefacts wordsearch is one designed for the female market. Ben Berryman presents you with valentine themed wordsearch, as, surprise surprise, valentines day is coming up this week! There are twenty words hidden in the grid below. Happy hunting and good luck.

Milk Bottle conundrum
I came across this problem whilst helping out teaching at a local school. The year eights to which it was asked didn’t manage it. I wonder if degree students will fare any better? The problem went as follows: Can you place 18 milk bottles into the 6 by 4 crate pictured such that every now and every column add up to an even number? Big thanks to Mrs Crossley for this one. by Ben Berryman

H T T R R O S E S E Q D P S N

T S B N D C H S F B A X R G O

N D E D R E R Q I L X H E U I

E X O S A V S E Q K C O S H S

E P V R I R M F C S E M E T S

T M T Q E R E V E N M S N L A

R H R W G B P T D G A K T A P

U J O S R I A R M B N M S N A

O L O U A L E W U E L U O R I

F V A J O T J C E S R J G R R

F R L C A K U A C R E N N I D

Y B O D P K C R O U K E V O L

X H G Q B W Z D D V P Q N W Y

C A N D L E S S E A T I S K P

E N I T N E L A V X Y Z D P Y

Answers to everything in the Interactive section, are upsidedown at the bottom of page 21

Ben’s Riddle Corner
A dozen Royals gathered round, Entertained by two who clowned. Each King there had servants ten, Though none of them were also men. The lowest servant sometimes might, Defeat the King in a fair fight. A weapon stout, a priceless jewel, The beat of life, a farmer’s tool. What’s being talked about in this riddle? Four men sat down to play, They played all night ‘till break of day. They played for gold and not for fun With separate scores for everyone. When they came to square accounts, They all had made quite fair amounts. Can you the paradox explain, If no one lost, how could all gain?

The answers to this week’s wordsearch are at the bottom of page 21, underneath Rawson’s Creek.

12 February 2004

LIFESTYLE

21

Sabbatical Officers Ickle Sarah and Funkyberry give a random slice of life from their humble dwellings within Surrey Court Wey, Battersea Court Tate, and the University of Surrey Students’ Union...
AFTER A SLIGHT lack of inspiration this week (slight being a.... slight under-exaggeration), probably brought on by spending far too long in the far too messy Media Centre, I took a trip to rawsonscreek.com to have a quick gander at what I was up to exactly a year ago. And it didn’t bring back good memories - in week four of the Spring Semester 2003 I got food poisoning after the Music Department Ball, was more than a little overworked preparing for elections, and, most fun of all, I became single on that most inappropriate of days - Valentine’s Day! LAST year, after a not very well placed ‘splitting up talk’ (my excuse being that we’d known it was coming, so there was no point dragging things out.... even if it was that day), I headed out to the Union to, well, drown my sorrows. Many Universities hold Valentine’s Balls, discos and suchlike, but what does USSU do? Well, last year’s event consisted of being given a numbered sticker when you arrived, and scouring the Union for your matching number. This year we have Rob’s Lonely Hearts Cocktail Evening, with a little icon on the posters of a crossed out heart, presumably meaning ‘no couples’ - I guess I won’t be welcome then! (Yes, despite my lack of Romantic history on Valentine’s Day, I am proudly and very firmly attached now). NOW, if you’re already fed up of elections, look away now... if you’re not, there are only about 150 words left, so it’ll only takea minute or so! The next few weeks last year were amongst the most amazing of my entire life, so to all the sabbatical candidates out there - make the most of it! My memories of chalking the floor with ‘You’d be dead stupid not to vote’ (with the obligatory outline of a ‘dead’ person - well, we had to do something to get people’s attention) are as clear as yesterday. And then there was my slightly bizarre thinking that going out to the Union dressed in school uniform for two weeks running really would convince people that I should be the next VP Comms (afterall, you have to be crazy to be a sabb!) MY ADVICE - if you know someone who’s going for a sabb position, get on their campaign team if it kills you. You won’t regret it for one moment (ok, maybe when all the coursework piles up in week 7, but hey, what’s a bit of coursework?!). If I weren’t a sabb I’d be out there every moment of the day with bubbles, tinsel, flyers, t-shirts, remote control cars....... ‘ickle sarah butterworth FIRST OF ALL this is a bit of an apology to those that had their photo taken at the Charity Dinner Dance, and who got a little flyer telling them the web address they could go get the photos from. Due to various boring technical details the address didn’t work, and so the photos can now be found on www.chrishunterphotography.com CONTINUING on the theme of photography, I’ve been taking digital photos in the Union on the majority of nights out for over 3 years now (see my website www.funkyberry.com) and have the following tips for Union night out or gig photography: IF you are standing quite far from the stage and want to take a photo of people on the stage, then you will get better results not using your flash than using your flash – especially if there is quite a lot of smoke in the room. WHEN taking photos of your friends, look for the flash setting or camera function that shows a person with a star behind them. Line your friends up so there isn’t a lot of light in their faces, but there can be light behind them, hold your camera still, and take the photo. It will take practice and luck, to make sure no beams from the dancefloor lighting hit the camera lens, but you should then get a good photo of your friends, with a nice colourful background. IF you are on the front row of a gig, and you are trying to focus your camera on a singer that is either a bit dark or is throwing themselves around so much the camera cannot focus, then the best way to focus is to focus on something that is roughly the same distance away as the singer. Items that work best are things with clean lines, like mic stands, speakers, wires on the stage, or even just the front of the stage. Once focused you can then point the camera back at the singer, and shoot. THOSE of you who get to the front of a gig, and have fancy digital cameras that you can adjust the shutter speed, and want photos where you can use the flash to light the singer, but still retain some of the colours from the smoke and lighting rig, then follow this. Go to shutter speed mode (usually called “TV”), use a shutter speed between 1/15th sec and 1⁄2 sec, turn the flash on, focus and shoot. The results will all depend on the distance, power, smoke, etc… but again – practice. chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter

This week I am mostly … avoiding town like the plague lest I set eyes on another nauseatingly pink teddy bear or catch another snippet of a panpipe love song compilation! For anyone struggling to turn a blind eye to the vomit-inducing merchandise in the shops at this time of year, here’s a tried-andtested method of survival from Auntie Angelica. Potter down to your nearest retail outlet and proceed to catalogue all the things on the shelves you’d really rather not receive from your [maybe imaginary] other half. Think about all the gifts out there that would make you dump them right there and then if they were even momentarily convinced you’d be appreciative. Think “all-singing all-dancing pink gorilla clutching a velvet heart inscribed with the words ‘you rock my world’” type gifts. Don’t give me the “it’s the thought that counts” mantra – look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you wouldn’t rather a slab of Dairy Milk if it came to a straightforward choice between the two. I know I would - I’d even settle for Galaxy and that’s saying something. Anyhow, yup you guessed it, I’m not a great fan of Valentine’s Day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want your sympathy – nope, I’m just up for dispelling the self-destructive myth that everyone else is having the most romantic day of their lives, whilst anybody single is destined to an evening in listening to Celine Dion, eating their own body weight in Ben & Jerrys and contemplating fleeing the country to start work immediately on an Israelian kibbutz. Trust me, I’ve been there [well, save the Celine Dion soundtrack… wouldn’t catch me within a ten-mile radius of any of her records, Titanic theme included…]. The year before last I did in fact have a date, but with a guy who happened to find the technical specifics of the bar’s speaker system far more interesting than anything I had to say… unsurprisingly, I couldn’t finish my pint quick enough. A not-dissimilar scenario two years before, though that time I actually stood-up the date in question. Before you jump to his defence, you have to realise [a] it was a blind-date organised by the RAG society at Birmingham Uni and [b] my friends had submitted my application form on my behalf. Call me cowardly if you like, but to be honest, I was sure I was doing him a favour - any guy they would have matched with a girl who claimed “listening to Mozart” and “reading García Marquez” were amongst her favourite pastimes, would no doubt have been more than little disappointed to find me as their company for the evening. It wasn’t like my friends had taken the time to find out what time I was supposed to meet him, or even what he looked like. True, I may well have missed out on meeting Mr.Right, but that was a risk I was prepared to take - as it happened, the poor soul I’d deprived of my random ramblings was in fact the campus “stud”. I maintain I still did him a favour, life would have dented his ego sooner or later, I just gave it the little nudge it needed… ahem. My plans for this year are yet to be finalised. I mean, these things can’t be rushed. After all, there’s a load of decisions to be made – Chianti or Chardonnay, Chinese or Curry, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough or Chunky Monkey… Besides, I’m still waiting for those kibbutz brochures to arrive. Anyone would think the postman was busy. Catherine Lee

Lyrics Quiz by Chris Ward
It’s Robbie Williams theme this week - find the missing words and then the song - simple! 1. “I guess the love we once had is officially _________ “. 2. “Such a saint, such a _________ “. 3. “Live for ____________, detox for your rent.” 4. “And down the _____________, wherever it may take me.” 5. “My bed’s full of _____________, and fantasies of easy lays.” 6. “__________ ain’t easy, but if your selling it, it’s alright” 7. “We were one, we were _______.” 8. “You were there for summer _________.” 9. “I’m a burning ________ of everything I used to be” 10. “I sit and talk to God, and he just laughs at my _______.”

Pub Quiz: 1.Open Sesame, 2.Achilles, 3.Binary, 4.Sylester, 5.Physical evidence of UFOs, 6.London, 7.Wind speed, 8.Gibralter, 9.Mongoose, 10.On a map (it is a grid line) | Jumbled Quote : Be careful about reading health books you may die of a misprint | Word search : Candles, Cards, Chocolates, Cupid, Date, Dinner, February, Flowers, Fourteenth, Hearth, Hugs, Kiss, Love, Passion, presents, romance, roses, Saturday, Surprises, Valentine | Riddles : A Deck of Cards, The players were musicians | Lyrics Quiz: 1.dead (No Regrets), 2.whore (Come Undone), 3.liposuction (Millenium), 4.waterfall (Angels), 5.takeaways (Strong), 6.pimping (Rock DJ), 7.free (She’s The One), 8.dreaming (Eternity), 9.effigy (Let Me Entertain You), 10.plans (Feel)

29

LIFESTYLE

12 February 2004

You know the drill - send an email with the subject line ‘personals’ to barefacts@ussu.co.uk and as if by magic they’ll appear in the next issue of bareafcts. If you#re sending in more than one, pop them in the same email, will you? Cheers!
Jessica, it has been 10 years since I first sent you the message in Bare Facts. Five years of marriage and two children later, I love you more than ever. Love always, Mark XXX Can you pull 5000+ times in 3 hours? WE CAN!! Watch this space. Why not come down to the union for some stobby lovin? Can you drink a pub dry 2 nights running? WE CAN!! Watch this space. “Is alice in wonderland by shakespere?” I’d like to thank Cullen and Kebab for a great night on Wednesday. Unfortunately I can’t remember any of it! Thanks anyway girlies,love Eveready. Cullen...got a few bruises and cuts in training...war you said...bring it on! I think Loose likes Paintbrush more! Strawberry tequila rocks! Rugby golfers rule. Another legendary birthday pub golf. Thanks guys! Tilly - you really do know every pub in Guildford! Bok I have a riddle for you, How can a guy who is easy on the eye, has a body to die for and who can I think hes a very LUCKY chap regardless of his parentage! GRRRRR -Who called my LANDROVER a jeep! Don’t feel unwanted or unloved this valentines! log on to “society.conservative.com” and join the Conservative Society ... we love anybody! xxx Sorry Cullen, I abandoned you for the second time! I’ll buy you a (double) tequila next time ;) I might actually be improving...i won 2 games out of 5!!! But alas...she has a new racket now! Congrats to the winning team at extreme pub golf...Big John, Woody, Boff & Chunks. Everything in 99.9% of students would not be able to achieve this Did you find your hat because it looked like you gave him a pretty thorough body search? chunks, i know we’re meant 2 take training seriously but injuring ur own team 2 days b4 a match is not a good idea! training sessions are no substitute for anger management classes! nice footwork layher - very fancy! p.s. like your dummy! flash......aaaaa-aaaaah! chunks, since when was drinking squash in the kitchen the new name for ‘getting in with unlucky’! Engaged @ 22/23 - House @23/24 - Married @ 25 - Babies @ 28 - we’ve got it all sorted! I love you so much my gorgeous xxxxx Passing a dude in a wetsuit with a surf board under his arm at 9.30pm on a Wednesday night on a Guildford street might make you think that pub golf was causing hallucinations but then you remember that Chops is a nutter and it doesnt seem quite so strange! Well to my fellow highway woman, tulips are all around us and much waving of tubes of the f. variety has occurred but as if by magic or a flash of beige indeed, it is finally over! Congrats to us xxx Chunks does this mean you have to let him win at monopoly now? charm the pants of any rugby lass when hammered be so painfully shy and incapable of communication when sober? Hey Cullen I thought it was Woody you fancied? That explains the angelic voice mate! are there no ends to your talents? New racquet, bring it on Chunks. Cobbles arent you glad you got your nickname on the first pub golf cos dustbin doesnt have the same ring!!! Why didn’t you do anything embarrassing on Pub golf Loose??! It makes writing personals very difficult. I heard some freshers cheated at the “run round the union, eat a ryvita & two crackers, finished by downing a pint” challenge...shame on you! “Oh!, they feel even bigger today” one with added cheeky ones! I think it was done in record time too. Dan from breakfast fitness is EVIL. My pub golf sick wasn’t nearly as pretty as you told me it would be. Cullen and Kebab how many birthday drinks did you buy her before she fell of the toilet and banged her head on the door? Fragile (the rugby one!) not a bad attempt for your first pub golf apart from chucking on the second hole, you can be on my team any time. Happy birthday Donna old bird! Happy 21st Si... from the girls at Weyside Gardens!

- Barefacts Personals -

the

Libra You are psychic you loon. Your name used to be George, but I am only guessing. Hopefully I was right. I should be, cos I’m a real psychic. Forgedd aboudd idd. Have you got a fièvre de cheval? If so, get down the doctors, like now! It’s wrong.

silly Stars
Capricorn Drinking games are what its all about for you, so get yourself in with the rugby boys for a bit of paralytic fun. Thursday night’s a good one this week, so make the most of it innit. How was the party? How’s your Great Coat by the by? Aquarius Your vegetable addiction is beginning to get ridiculous, so chill Winston! Burgers are good, burgers are good… Bring on the 80’s fashions, so get down to your local Topshop ASAP. You have a new neighbour, so get chatting, maybe they’ll come round to borrow a cup of sugar? Mais oui, mais oui, ça me fait rire. Pisces It’s all about the naughty things…so have fun pulveriser-ing some stuff. Learn some graphology, its the new feng shui dontcha know. Watch it this week, your blushes may betray you at inopportune moments. Hope the bones are better. It’s all a bit rocambolesque.

by Psychic Sandy
Cancer High five bro! I believe Cinderella did indeed go to the ball, and that she did indeed WOW everyone there! Win any of the raffles? Well done if you did, commiserations if not. Quel dommage. Mmm-bop and all that. Leo Who is that annoying Scottish bird with the big teeth??? Shut her up. And get that chuffing chain off your damn jeans. It’s not big and it’s soooo not clever. If you thought last weekend was fun, this weekend’s going to be even better, so get ready…cos here I come… Virgo Techno techno techno techno…wooo! Far too cool for school, you have been living the life of riley of late. Na na na na na…go greased lightning…its only little… but enough of that, you guys can guess your actual horoscope cos I actually can’t be arsed.

Aries Everything you see at the moment’s reminding you of absent friends etc. Ils te manquent trop but, frankly, get over it! You are a social butterfly, so make the most of it – and its not like you’ll never see them again! Just how good is the Toxic video? We know you love it girlfriend! Taurus You might find that you have a bit of chance this week, Mr/Ms Popular! Eat carrots, they make you see in the dark – always a good thing… you might be woken by a clanking noise on Monday, try not to get too arg cos its not a real proper crisis. Gemini Get that barnet cut! It’s about time, don’t you think?! Still, at least you only spend about a fifth of what everyone else spends on hair beautification… get some sleep this week; you definitely look like you need it after last night’s shenanigans! The shame of you, honestly! Keep up the good work, by the way – mommy and daddy are proud!

Scorpio Ooh! Just in time for Valentines Day methinks! You’re toxic, I’m slipping under… c’est ce que quelqu’un m’a dit. You can do it, put your back into it and all that jazz. By the way, Chicago is crap so don’t watch it. Moulin Rouge by far surpassed it, if you happen to be into that kind of laryngitis. Sagittarius What kind of a man abandons his spoon, answer me that. So there. Candy-coloured plastic bangles are your lucky charm this week, so go out and get some on the buy-one-get-one free deal, as they say at Iceland, which is where mum’s gone.

12 February 2004

SPORT

23

Battle of The Swords Federal Sports Day
BY CLAIRE HATHWAY Last Wednesday (4th February) the men’s fencing team faced one of their hardest home matches of the season. Surrey were at home to Sussex, who had the British number two foilist on their side. However Surrey put Just as we were sitting on the edge of our seats, the tension mounting as the foil was even closer at one point Surrey were leading 40-37 then after the toughest fight of the whole match against the British number two foilist, who not only looked like Spiderman (he wore a Spiderman mask) but also fenced like him, the final score was 45-42. Finally it was time for the Epee, which again was a hard, gruelling match, where Surrey fought their best. Unfortunately in the end the Sussex team gained the advantage, the final score being 45-36 to Sussex. Well done to Surrey men’s fencing team, who despite losing fought really hard against tough opponents. The third and final Federal Sports Day is this Wednesday (18th February). For those of you unfamiliar with this event, it is essentially University of Surrey Vs Roehampton. A range of traditional team sports will be played, both at UniSPORT and at the Varsity Centre. Last year, Surrey achieved a decisive victory, an impressive improvement over the previous years draw. Overall across the three years, Roehampton
surrey: last year’s federal cup winners

Wednesday February 18th 2004
will need the win this year in order to equal Surrey. If we hold them to a draw or repeat last years success, we will have earned the right to be crowned Federal champions. To mark the occasion, GU2, our very own student radio station will be at the Varsity Centre for an outside broadcast. Next week marks the start of GU2’s FM month, so if you can’t make it over to UniSPORT or the Varsity Centre, tune into 107.3 FM.

SPORT, FITNESS & DANCE

AT SURREY STUDENT MEMBERSHIP

Think your sport is physically or mentally demanding or simply different from all the rest? Then why not Challenge Chops to take part in your sport and show exactly what is involved. sports@ussu.co.uk
BUSA Results | 04 February 2004
Mens
Badminton Brunel 1st vs SURREY1st 3-5 Kent 2nd vs SURREY2nd L-L Basketball SURREY 1st vs LSE 1st 74-68 Rugby SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st Squash SURREY 1st vs UCL 1st 4-1 SURREY 2nd vs Sussex 1st L-L

ONLY
MEMBERSHIP

£70

INCLUDES:

Fitness club membership; all dance fitness & aerobic classes free; discount on most taught courses; most casual sports free including badminton, squash, basketball and climbing; Membership lasts for one year

GIVE BLOOD
• Blood Donor Sessions • On: Tuesday 16 & Wednesday 17th March 2004 • Venue: Mobile Unit to be parked in Senate Car Park, University of Surrey • Students Session Times: Tuesday & Wednesday 11am2pm & 3.30pm-5.45pm • The National Blood service strongly advise you to make an appointment in advance, by ringing: 020 8258 8429 • However, a few spaces may be vacant on the day, times of which are available from the mobile unit itself.

L-L

Fencing SURREY 1st vs Sussex 1st 122-135 Football LSE 1st vs SURREY 1st SURREY 3rd vs Kingston 3rd Sussex 3rd vs SURREY 2nd Sussex 4th vs SURREY 4th SURREY 5th vs Chichetser 3rd Golf UWI 1st vs SURREY 1st 1-0 L-L 1-1 5-2 0-3 2-4

Womens

Basketball Kingston 1st vs SURREY 1st

L-L

Hockey SURREY 1st vs Imperial Medics 1st L-L Netball SURREY 1st vs St Geroge’s Hosp 1st L-L SURREY 2nd vs St George’s Hosp 3rd 00wo Rugby Royal Holloway 1st vs SURREY 1st 0-0wo Squash SURREY 1st vs UCL1st 4-1

Hockey SURREY 1st vs St George’s Hosp 1st L-L SURREY 2nd vs Sussex 2nd 7-0

24

SPORT

12 February 2004

teamsurrey
“Moor” Fun for the Mountain Walkers
BY MIKE FIELD 30 January saw the fourth Mountain Walking Society weekend trip of the year, this time there was a promised 2-for-1 deal as we would be visiting both Dartmoor AND Exmoor in the same weekend. First off, I feel that gratitude is due to whichever club or society used the minibus prior to us, as this time we actually had enough fuel to get to the filling station in Aldershot Road, cheers! Of the ten of us on the trip, Nicky, Aine, Elaine, Zoe and Josef were all on their first MWS expedition, and ‘8-pints’ Richard was back for the first time in about three years. Evan’Ready’ was driving the bus again and probably passed 2000 miles for the year during the weekend. With help from the network of local spies we ascertained that we were expected, squeezed through the legendary 6’6” gap in Dulverton and found our camping barn on the stroke of 10pm.This time it was sheer luxury, a welcome change to stone floors and freezing temperatures. The log fire had warmed the place up considerably, and nobody could complain about the conditions this time. The next morning was my debut as breakfast chef, however Rich and Josef had managed to get up at 6:30am too and I was relegated largely to a directorial role. Just to prove our hardcore status we decided to ascend even higher, and made it to the top of Yes Tor (619m), were the wind was so destructive we were forced to cower behind some rocks at the summit. Unperturbed, we eventually made it back to the bus and set off, whereupon I received a very useful bad weather warning from Social Secretary Dan, back in Guildford. Everyone had done brilliantly to cope with the conditions on that day and deserved the evening of relaxation in the pub that followed. Back at the barn, Rich, Jon and I decided that an impromptu cheese and wine social was in order, and set about getting well and truly lashed. Unfortunately due to the stress that comes with being Society President, I was knackered and had to retire at 2:30am but rest assured, the other two flew the flag in true style, apparently causing some ‘psychological damage’ to canoeists who were staying nearby. We’ve yet to hear any more on this issue. Sunday saw us dodge the rain briefly along the South West Coast Path in Exmoor, before the Forest of Death (so good it had to be walked through three times) and another three hours of hailstones ended our weekend and any harboured hopes of calling at the Pagan magnet that is Glastonbury Tor on the way back.

After a hearty breakfast we took over the winding West Country roads in our white van and headed down to Dartmoor. Setting off from the Meldon reservoir at around 10am, we were soon faced with a seemingly uncrossable river, transformed into a raging torrent by recent heavy rain, so scrambling through some trees and undergrowth was required before we even made it onto the moor. Once out in the wilderness we found the army vehicle tracks

easy enough to navigate by, but from then on the weather chose to treat us with total disdain. Reaching Row Tor for lunch was reasonably comfortable, but by the time we conquered East Mill Tor (543m) the wind had picked up to hurricane proportions and many of us had to resort to crawling. Add to that an hour or so of hailstones and this was easily the worst weather I’d ever seen on a walking trip.

SPORTS PROFILE

Footsie Fever in the HRB
BY PETE NICHOLS Last Thursday (5th February) saw the return after a period of absence of Bar Footsie. The concept of this night is that drinks prices go up and down in relation to supply and demand. This combined with the stock market crashing on many occasions created an on going happy hour. The event was organised by the Sports Executive Committee in association with the Bars and Catering department in order to raise money for this year’s Colours Ball to be Held in April/May of this year. The doors of the HRB opened a little later than planned at ten past nine with the security greeted by queue going back up the ramp towards the union steps. After only a period of minutes, the HRB was the busiest I have seen it at that time of night with everyone’s eyes on the screens trying to get the cheapest drinks possible. As the minutes ticked on, more and more people came and with this influx of people the first minor crash of the night occurred with a few products going down to crazy prices. The time was 10:40pm the HRB was packed full of people and the screens went wild as the first market crash of the evening was occurring. The price of every product behind the bar crashed and the rush to get to the bar before the prices all started to rise again was on. On behalf of the Sports Executive Committee I would like to say a big thank you to everyone who helped put on this event especially the Bar staff who did a fantastic job and did not stop all night. A big thanks also goes to Jimmy and Pete Playing their usual mix of cheese.

Name: Stephanie Millington Sports: Women’s Football Age: Legal Nicknames: Gadget, MMM, emin-eminem, PsychicSteff Sporting Idols:Duncan Ferguson, Rachel Unitt, Rachel Yankey Best Aspects of your sport: Slide tackles, comparing stud marks, mucky pints Worst aspects of your sport: Lack of players!! Best sporting moment: Playing our arses off to finish runners-up in our BUSA league in the 2002/03 season Most embarrassing sporting moment: Not only scoring an own goal whist falling over an opponent but also hitting my head on the goalpost as I landed Worst Injury: Patella tendonitis The plug: Women’s football training, Thursdays 6-8 at the Varsity centre

Are you in a Sports Club? submit your article and pictures for barefacts to Pete Nichols - email cs11pn@surrey.ac.uk by Friday @ 5pm