You are on page 1of 3

CJ Reed

Mrs. Anderson

English 111

September 28, 2017

Question: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal

growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

It was a scorching hot day in June as I stepped through the old creaky door into London Commented [1]: Make it a clear story by separating
ideas into paragraphs. (a clear beginning, conflict, and
some form of resolution)
Bridge Baptist Church. I shivered as chills shot through my body, overwhelmed by the amount
Commented [2]: _Marked as resolved_
of animated chatter in the room. I scanned the room of joyous kids and couldn’t help but smile, Commented [3]: _Re-opened_

taking notice of the uniqueness of every one of them.

As I finished my scan, I took notice of two kids, who unlike the rest of the kids, were off

sitting by themselves, discluded from the rest of the Young Life Capernaum Summer Camp. Commented [4]: use the introduction to set up the
story without giving it away. Make the reader curious as
to where you are going.
Immediately, flashbacks raced through my head as I reminisce on my first day in highschool,
Commented [5]: _Marked as resolved_
feeling excluded from the predeveloped cliques. I immediately knew how the two campers must Commented [6]: _Re-opened_

be feeling, so I moseyed my way over to Graham. Eyes wide with nervousness, the lonely

camper noticed me coming over and curled up into as tight of a ball as possible, wanting nothing

more than to maintain his solitude. Motivated by the desire for him to enjoy his time at camp, I Commented [7]: I like this sentence, but would
consider re-wording it.. its structure is awkward
plopped down into the folding chair next to him. My heart sunk as my unsuccessful attempts to Commented [8]: _Marked as resolved_
Commented [9]: _Re-opened_
get him to talk got me no closer to knowing the high school boy. I stood up to go try my luck

with the other camper when Graham yanked surprisingly hard on my arm, pulling me back to

him. Grinning from ear to ear, I knew I had gotten through his stubbornness. The two of us

chummed it up, questioning one another about the other’s life and rapidly became best friends.

All of a sudden a hint of guilt hit me across the head; I had forgotten about the other kid!

Pulling Graham by my side, we hurried over. Unlike Graham, Brian eagerly accepted the

attempts of friendship. Eyes gleaming with the desire for companionship, the three of us instantly

connected. Graham and I found out everything there was to know about Brian, especially the fact

that he had a supermodel girlfriend. The three of us were inseparable, so much so that we

squeezed into a single rider water slide together, ignoring the rule against doing so. Nothing

could stop our shenanigans as the following day we ran amuck through the petting zoo, striking

fear into the heart of every goat in our paths. Commented [10]: bahaha - I love this image.

I loved every hour of adventure I spent with them. Nothing could top the feeling of true

friendship when they sprinted to me every morning, wrapping their loving arms around me. I

can’t put into words the amount of joy that courses through my body as I cherished every second

of their embraces. Knowing Graham and Brian were both alone, not only at their high schools

but even at a camp surrounded by kids who had similar disabilities, I knew how much they

valued our friendship. They are in my life as a constant and vivid reminder of how much I must

cherish my friendships and serve as a reminder to reach out to kids, alone and misplaced, like I

was freshman year. These boys showed me how I can use my outgoing personality to change Commented [11]: I know what you mean here, but I
think the wording could still use some work.
people’s lives as well as my own. The last day of camp I fought to keep my rollercoaster of Commented [12]: _Marked as resolved_
Commented [13]: _Re-opened_
emotions in check, and as tears of joy well up in my eyes, I muse over the new life purpose

these two put in front of me through their unique friendship. Commented [14]: CJ - this essay brings me joy. I am
glad that you met Graham and Brian.

Exemplary (A) Mastery(B) Progressing(C) Commented [15]: Great rewrite. CJ!

Content Focus on topic is clear and Focus on topic is clear. Sufficient Focus on topic is somewhat
definite. Effective and appropriate details details create a defined. Underdeveloped details
create a vivid picture. Writing “shows” picture showing some show little knowledge and are too
rather than “tells.” Fresh (uncommon) knowledge and insight. Fresh general to create a picture.Fresh
approach to topic holds the (uncommon) approach adds to the approach to topic is attempted yet
reader’s attention. reader’s understanding. lacks support which will aid the
reader’s understanding.
Organization Memorable introduction and Effective introduction and Introduction and conclusion
conclusion are clearly linked and establish conclusion are clearly linked attempt to establish focus.
focus. Sequencing of details is effective and (may be explicit or implicit) Sequencing of details is
logical (chronological). Transitions and establish focus. Sequencing of limited.Transitions are limited.
effectively tie the ideas of the paper details is
together.. logical. Transitions attempt to tie the
ideas of the paper together.

Voice The writer’s personality is Writer’s personality pokes Writer’s personality is

expressed; confidence and through; confidence and undefined; writing is
feeling are apparent. Individual, powerful feeling fade in and out.A commitment cautious. Commitment to topic is
commitment to the topic is obvious. to the topic limited.Connection to audience and
Connection to audience and purpose is is apparent. Connection to audience purpose is limited.Writing evokes
excellent.Writing evokes strong and purpose is appropriate.The writing limited
emotion in the reader. evokes some emotion in the reader. emotion in the reader.
Word Choice Precise, vivid natural Correct, adequate word Ordinary word choice attempts to
language creates a clear and choice creates a clear picture create a picture
complete picture in the reader’s mind. in the reader’s mind. Lively verbs, in the reader’s mind. Verbs, nouns,
Powerful verbs, precise specific nouns, adjectives,
nouns, appropriate and appropriate adjectives and phrases are adequate.Language
adjectives and phrases and phrases add to the choice and phrasing lack
enhance meaning.Original phrasing and meaning. Some colorful language and inspiration.Dialogue sounds forced.
memorable unusual phrasing encourage reflection.
language prompt reflective thought and Dialogue sounds appropriate.
insights. Dialogue sounds natural.
Conventions A strong grasp of the A strong grasp of the A basic grasp of the standard writing
standard writing conventions standard writing conventions conventions is apparent.Errors in
is apparent: capitalization is is apparent: capitalization is conventions may impair readability.
accurate, punctuation is correct, punctuation is (11-15 errors)
smooth and enhances smooth and enhances
meaning, spelling is correct meaning, spelling of
even on more difficult common words is correct;
words, grammar is more difficult words are
essentially correct, generally correct, grammar is
paragraphing enhances the essentially correct, usage is
organization of the paper. (0-5 errors) generally correct,
paragraphing works with the
organization of the paper.
(6-10 errors)