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PHOTO: CAMILA KUKULSKI

2 Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018

The Student Campus Centre

COMMUNITY
BUILDER AWARD

Applications Open
Monday, Jan. 8, 2018 at 9am

Applications Close
This award is designed to Monday, Feb. 26, 2018 at 9pm
recognize students within the
Ryerson community who have SUBMIT YOUR
contributed to campus life and APPLICATION ONLINE:
building community at the Student www.ryersonstudentcentre.ca
Campus Centre as demonstrated
through exceptional volunteerism.
Annual awards:
Awards are available to all
undergraduate students, all
continuing education and
$500 x4
for Continuing Education
certificate students, and all students
graduates students who are
enrolled and in good standing
during Winter 2018.
$2,000 x3
for Undergraduate students
NOTE: Members of the Ryerson Students’ Union and
the Continuing Education Students’ Association of
Ryerson or the Ryerson Student Center Board and
seniors enrolled through the Chang School are not
$2,000 x3
eligible for this award. for Graduate students
Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018 NEWS 3

Dude, where’s my 6 Fest report?
By Jacob Dubé According to Emberson, Singh But according to current RSU
never gave over the login informa- president Susanne Nyaga, her team
The events of 6 Fest, the Ryerson tion for the Eventbrite and the Gmail isn’t required to follow through
Students’ Union’s (RSU) controver- used to organize the event, nor did he with the report. She said motions
sial concert in October 2016, left a release the report to the board. He did only stand for the term they are
lot of people with numerous ques- provide some information about the passed in, and only move on to fu-
tions that may never be answered. finances for the end-of-year audit. ture years if they’re transformed
The high cost of the concert great- “He gave the bare minimum that he into policies or bylaws. “Stepping in,
ly contributed to the RSU’s $1.2 mil- had to give for us to be able to verify Lauren [Emberson] had been very
lion deficit that year, and $80,000 of the 80k, as well as the invoices,” Em- vocal about releasing a report to
RSU funds were transferred into the berson said. “He gave us all the docu- provide students with the informa-
ILLUSTRATION: CAMILA KUKULSKI
personal accounts of executives and It has been a year. Where’s our report? mentation we needed for the audit, tion, however, Harman never ex-
their friends. but he didn’t do anything past that.” pressed an interest in creating one,”
In early 2017, the RSU’s board of manage operations and ticket sales, the 6 Fest finances. Last year’s RSU president Obaid Nyaga said. “We have not seen a re-
directors passed a motion requir- along with a comprehensive report Former vice-president student Ullah said a lot of the documentation port from either individual.”
ing then vice-president student life on 6 Fest. life and events Lauren Emberson, for the refunds was still being pro- However, Nyaga said, the 6 Fest
& events Harman Singh to release The Eyeopener reached out to Singh who resigned last month, said she cessed until May 2017. After that, it finances—not just the refunds, but
all information he had pertaining for comment three times but did not worked to reconcile the 6 Fest re- became the job of the current execu- other invoices and purchases—were
to 6 Fest and its operations. The hear back in time of publication. funds with the help of the financial tives to follow through with a report. still a concern for the RSU. Nyaga
motion required Singh to provide It has been a year since that mo- controller and part-time staff. “It’s “It became Lauren’s responsibil- said she hopes to release some infor-
the board and the financial control- tion passed, and despite Singh still a lot of information for someone ity, just like Susanne took on the mation to students before the end of
ler, among others, documentation sitting on the board as student who’s 21 years-old, who stepped Wellness Centre from me,” Ullah this term. She would not comment
of ticket sales and refunds for the groups representative, it seems like into this role without access to a lot said. “It should have been her re- on how or what the RSU is looking
concert, the logins for the Event- the report will never see the light of of information that I think is perti- sponsibility to complete that report into specifically, saying the research
brite account and the Gmail used to day. But the RSU is still looking into nent to the 6 Fest report,” she said. to the board.” is still ongoing.

What Ryerson needs to go waste-free
By Maggie Macintosh pose a challenge to becoming zero
waste, she added.
Ryerson administration says the Depending on what building
university is making “a conscious ef- you’re in at Ryerson, there could be
fort” to rework the garbage bin sys- no compost bins, organics bins or
tems across campus to achieve zero bins in Jorgenson Hall, which use
waste, but the school still has a long worms to compost chopped food
way to go. scraps. This is known as vermicom-
“We cannot give you a defi- posting.
nite answer of when we’ll be [zero Ryerson president Mohamed
waste] but I think we’re marching Lachemi said while there’s no com-
ahead in that direction,” said Saher prehensive zero waste program in
Fazilat, assistant vice-president of place, it’s “definitely something to
facilities management and develop- consider.”
ment at Ryerson. In coming up with a zero-waste
Zero waste doesn’t really mean no strategy, Voula Cocolakis, executive
waste. It means at least 90 per cent director of university business ser-
of what goes into an institution’s vices, said it’s important that Ryer-
waste streams is diverted from land- son takes the entire university into A four-stream waste bin in the Hub Café at Ryerson. PHOTO: KOSALAN KATHIRAMALANATHAN

fills through recycling and compost. account.
Carleton University announced “We want to make sure we have Van Den Bosch, a Microbe Hub attraction of “the bajillion” fast food mental Services Inc. will monitor all
that their food court achieved zero an approach that’s uniform across volunteer, said the “dream goal” is places around campus adds to the the waste being produced on site to
waste at the end of January 2018, campus, and right now we don’t,” expanding their initiative across university’s waste, since people throw find out where waste is generated,
several months after Carleton’s said Cocolakis. “We operate in campus. out take-out containers. what materials are being recycled
residence dining operations did the some buildings, in other buildings, “I think we all want to live in a “It’s a really complex problem, but correctly, what’s being contami-
same. we’re not the operators, we’re the clean and healthy city and respon- that’s why student-led initiatives are nated, where garbage is misplaced
Ryerson Eats, which includes the tenant.” sible waste diversion is a huge part so vital,” she said. “Something like and where recycling is being sent to
Hub Café, Pitman dining hall and She visited Carleton in November of that,” she said. Microbe Hub has the capacity to re- landfills when it shouldn’t.
the International Living & Learning and said their food court bins are Van Den Bosch said the way ally engage the entire body of the “Our slogan is, ‘If you don’t mea-
Centre dining hall, still has a ways to “beautifully-marked and communi- waste management works on cam- university in trying to work towards sure it, you can’t manage it,’” said
go until the university-run kitchens cated so you can’t make a mistake,” pus now, with different bins in dif- zero waste.” Varner. “I truly believe that.”
can call themselves zero waste, let adding misplacing things into bins is ferent buildings, can get confusing Students are the most important Once the waste is measured, she
alone the entire campus. often a problem. and it gets even more confusing stakeholder to consult when trying said they can pinpoint ways to im-
“There are some organic bins that “We still have a lot of measure- because the vermicomposting bins to come up with a zero-waste plan prove.
actually go in the kitchen and we’ve ments to do in terms of measuring can’t take the same scraps the Hub since they’re the ones who’ll be us- While unsure when Ryerson will
started putting some in the librar- where we’re at and what we need to Café and library compost bins can. ing the systems put in place, accord- achieve zero waste, the new vice-
ies. And we want to take it further,” put in place, but again, it can’t just be The third-year environment and ing to Heather Varner, special pro- president, administration and opera-
Fazilat said. a food services initiative, it’s got to be urban sustainability student said the grams manager of Environmental tions, Deborah Brown, said there’s a
Bins with separate slots for recycla- a campus-wide initiative,” she said. Microbe Hub’s bins can only really Services Inc., the solid waste consul- definite commitment from Ryerson
bles, mixed paper, waste to landfill (or But staff aren’t the only commu- take fruit, vegetables, coffee and tea. tant company Carleton hired. to divert waste.
garbage) and organics can be found in nity members brainstorming ways “I think Ryerson is up against a Varner said a university that “I think a demonstration of that
the Hub Café and the library. Ryerson can lighten its garbage load. lot in terms of trying to attract stu- wants to achieve zero waste needs commitment is Voula [Cocolakis]
Fazilat said Ryerson plans to ex- Microbe Hub is a student-led ini- dents to recycle and divert waste,” to connect with all their stakehold- going to Carleton and taking a look
pand this four-stream system to tiative run by volunteers who col- she said. ers, like students and the city, and at what they’re doing,” she said.
more buildings over the next two lect Jorgenson Hall compost bins, Van Den Bosch said commuters should also start with a waste audit. “It’s something we can learn from
years. Different bins across campus and put them in worm bins. Tess often purchase to-go food, and the For a 24-hour period, Environ- Carleton.”
4 EDITORIAL Wednesday, Feb 14, 2018

A debate without hope
By Kosalan an overwhelming majority were to be spoonfed to the candidates?
Kathiramalanathan wearing promotional clothing for the At one point, the Chief Returning
slates they supported or volunteered Officer, who was moderating the de-
Election season is finally coming to an for. And this isn’t specific to this year, bate, said he wanted to prioritize al-
end. However, for the average Ryer- or to a specific slate, it’s been an ongo- lowing students who weren’t running
son student who goes to vote (or not) ing issue for years upon years. on a slate to ask questions—however,
this week, they may know absolutely What made this debate more frus- those people were severely lacking in
nothing about the slates running for trating was the fact that the student attendance and they weren’t asking
a position on the Ryerson Students’ journalists in the room, arguably the most of the questions.
Union (RSU), let alone the individu- people who have been following the The roughly 60 people in the room
als running. If it weren’t for their election cycle the closest, were barred weren’t here to listen to all sides and
faces being plastered all over campus, from asking any questions or from seriously consider who would repre-
you probably wouldn’t even know even filming the event. Not allowing sent them best.
When you realize change isn’t in the air. PHOTO: KOSALAN KATHIRAMALANATHAN
who was running. the media to participate, ask difficult The RSU’s attempt to mitigate
So what better way to get their questions and to video tape it doesn’t dismal student attendance was by stairs in the SLC with slides reached a chance to ask questions before the
ideas and platforms out than a good just silence our concerns, but it stops hosting a livestream on Facebook. 13,400 Facebook views. It was a par- media can.
old fashioned debate? Democracy us from keeping the student body in- The livestream got 2,900 views the ody story. Even the comment section Students shouldn’t be deprived of
is built on the key tenet that poli- formed. last time I checked—before the video of the debate livestream was full of this knowledge, nor of a chance to
tics should be a respectful discourse While there were some really im- was taken off the page. It means that supporters or candidates themselves ask the questions that matter to them.
where various points of views can be portant questions posed to the candi- there’s no record of what was said in hyping up their slates instead of They shouldn’t have their access
debated and thoroughly examined. dates, it was disheartening to see that the debate anymore. When one of meaningful discussion from students. to information limited. This prob-
That’s why I was excited for the RSU almost all of them were rehearsed. these candidates gets elected, how can Journalism is all about making sure lem isn’t going to go away easily. It’s
debate on Feb. 12. They were often worded so they students hold them accountable to that we can hold those in power ac- been going on for years now and any
Unfortunately, like many aspects would target one slate or specifically what was said during the debate if the countable, and so rarely do we get change to the system will take time.
of student politics, beneath the shiny bolster another. RSU won’t even keep a record of it? a chance to do so in front of their But that doesn’t mean that we should
prospect of leadership was the disap- During every question period there The 2,900 views might seem like membership, who they are most ac- settle for what we’re stuck with right
pointing reality. Instead of a chance were students wearing either pink an impressive number until you real- countable to. We are supposed to be now, we can still do better.
for students to challenge ideas put Unify or green Elevate shirts who ize that 2,900 pales in comparison to the purveyors of information, which If the RSU really wants students
forth to them, all we got was two read questions that were pre-written the 31,000 undergraduate students in this debate, wasn’t reaching the to engage with the elections, they
hours of self-indulgences and bullshit. on their phones. What’s the point of that are RSU members. Compared to student body. It’s ridiculous that vol- can start by sorting the mess that is
As for the students that did attend, having a debate if questions are going that, our fun story about replacing the unteers for the campaigns are given their debates.

Media Arianna “Get That Credit”
PetsInDanger Ryerson Student Club Malachi “Snookums” Rowswell Kyriacou
- Attend exciting social events, develop skills Mikayla “Sweet Thing” Fasullo Michael “Bike” Mazzei
Erika “Dinner?” Dreher
transferable into further education / job searching,
Copy Editor Jacob “Creepy Crawler” Stoller
enhance your resume, receive a Certificate for Igor “Sugar Bum” Magun Chris “Colonel” Sanders
community service hours... Vidya “Cried at Call Me By Your
all for a great cause: to combat pet Editor-in-Chief General Manager Name” Thakoordeen
overpopulation and help save the lives of Sierra “Doll” Bein Liane “Sugar Plum” McLarty Emma “Squad of Editors”
4.5 million dogs and cats each year. Buchanan
https://ca.petsindanger.com/studentclubs News Advertising Manager Kelly “Portfolio” Skjerven
Annie “Kitten” Arnone Chris “Sweetie” Roberts Sera “I Crave Good Sources”
Jacob “Queen” Dubé Wong
Justin “Boo” Chandler Design Director Daniel “I Crave Ghost Peppers”
J.D. “Sweet Cakes” Mowat MacIntosh
Photo Madison “I Crave Answers” Henry
Camila “Angel” Kukulski Interns Parnika “Welcome” Raj
Kosalan “Bub” Kathiramalanathan Kintaro “Silly Goose” Skinner Jacob “YES” Exrleben
Samantha “Wifey” Moya Andrew Opar
Contributors Reema “Great” Balouch
Online Tova “Tahu” Friedman Solah “Vicarious” Lee
Karoun “Sweet Heart” Chahinian Raneem “Lewa” Al-Ozzi Sarah “I’d Makeout With You”
Alanna “Precious” Rizza Angela “Gali” McLean Krichel
Lee “Hot Mama” Richardson Michelle “Pohatu” McNally
Isabelle “Kopaka” Kirkwood The Mug would like to suggest that
Features Maggie “Makuta” Macintosh everyone just hang on until the
Skyler “Pumpkin” Ash Michael “Onua” D’Alimonte 15th. All of the chocolate will go on
Jesse “Takanuva” Caplan sale and you can gorge! Yes, yes I
Arts and Life Stefanie “Matoro” Philips know it’s February and everything,
Premila “Babe” D’Sa Emma “Jaller” Sandri EVERYTHING is due. Just hold on
Xavier “Axonn” Eeswaran until tomorrow and then you can buy
Sports Denise “Brutaka” Paglinawan all the treats you can carry!
Ben “Foxy” Waldman Nathaniel “Vakama” Crouch
Peter “Honey Bee” Ash Charlie “The Snack Packer” The Eyeopener is Ryerson’s largest
Buckley and only independent student
Biz and Tech Shakir “Back on the Train” Rimzy newspaper. It is owned and operated
Sylvia “Hot Stuff” Lorico Dylan “Star-Crossed” Freeman- by Rye Eye Publishing Inc., a non-
Grist pro it corporation owned by the
Communities Lyba “Holy Fucking Shit” Mansoor students of Ryerson. Our o ices are
Hayley “Love Bug” Hanks Melissa “Hold the Door” Salamo on the second loor of the Student
Manuela “Due Diligence” Vega Campus Centre. You can reach us at
Fun and Satire Kiernan “5-Day-Read-Receipt” 416-979-5262, at theeyeopener.com or
Emerald “Snuggle Bug” Bensadoun Green on Twitter at
Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018 NEWS 5

Elevator breakdowns prevent access
71 people got stuck in Ryerson elevators last year. The average rescue takes 43 minutes. Here’s what happens if you get trapped
ability to access work and education, stead, it can help lengthen an eleva- It’s important people report issues
or even exit a building. tor’s lifetime. Not to mention that such as doors, lights or buttons not
On a campus that’s constantly stairs save energy, too.” working, Amasya added.
growing outward and upward, that
presents a problem.
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Every week, The Eyeopener re- tion and safety management systems. elevator performance levels.
ceives reports from Ryerson se- She explained that getting stuck in Ryerson media relations officer
curity about people getting stuck an elevator isn’t always dangerous.
in elevators on campus. Getting “An elevator stoppage is a safety
stuck can lead to medical distress mode when the safety systems de- It takes an average
and the breakdowns make parts of tect abnormal conditions,” she said.
campus inaccessible. “Occupants in a stopped elevator are
of 43 minutes to
From Feb. 4-10, four instances not in danger as long as they remain be rescued from a
involving students getting stuck in in the elevator car and do not try to Ryerson elevator
elevators were reported to security. self-extract.”
In one instance, security and medics Tanya Poppleton, manager of se-
were called because an individual had curity and emergency services, said Dasha Pasiy said once the Facili-
trouble breathing. medical services are called when ties Management and Development
Alp Amasya, Ryerson’s director of necessary. (FMD) team receives notice that an
maintenance and operations received “One of the very first questions elevator has malfunctioned, staff im-
reports from security detailing the asked [by security] is, ‘Is anybody mediately dispatch a Schindler rep-
elevator-related incidents that have experiencing medical discomfort?’” resentative to assist. Schindler is the
taken place over the past three years she said. “That will always change manufacturer of the elevators on Ry-
and provided them to The Eye. the level of dispatch who is called. erson campus.
In 2015, there were 85 instances of If they identify any medical issue, Should the elevator be out of ser-
people being stuck in elevators. And emergency services are called.” vice for more than a few hours, a
in 2016 and 2017, there were 71 in- It takes an average of 43 minutes notification email is sent out and a
cidents. for responders to free someone from notice is posted on my.ryerson.ca, as
Amasya attributes the drop in in- an elevator on campus, Amasya said. well as on all FMD webpages.
cidents between 2015 and 2016 to Woodcock said a stopped el- Poppleton says the best thing to
Ryerson’s elevator upgrade program, evator can prevent people who use do if you’re trapped in an elevator is
which was implemented in 2016 and mobility devices, have physical con- to press the call button in the eleva-
resulted in the replacement of a num- ditions affecting strength or en- tor to connect with an operator, and
ber of elevators across campus. durance, or people pushing heavy to remain calm.
Kathryn Woodcock is a registered carts from accessing different lev- “Most of the time, people are only
engineer and professor at Ryerson els of a building. going a few floors up or down,” said
in the undergraduate occupational That in turn can affect a person’s Amasya. “If you can use the stairs in-

Needle disposal helps diabetics
By Michelle McNally units to the highest risk washrooms five insulin injections a day. Afraa
in Kerr Hall, the Student Learning Mustafa, the communications direc-
Devan Moura seldom finds a place Centre, the Victoria Building and tor for the Canadian Diabetes Asso-
to safely dispose of the sharps from Eric Palin Hall. Geeta Sharma, the ciation at Ryerson, hopes the sharps
his insulin pump. Due to the lack of director of Environmental Health disposal bins will stay for good.
disposal containers on campus, the and Safety and Risk Management, “I feel like this is something that
fourth-year business management says the program will test if dis- should have been done a long time
student has always carried his used posal bins are an effective means to ago and something that should defi-
needles and glucose testing pricks in lower the number of unsafely dis- nitely stay permanent,” she said.
his backpack. carded needles on campus. Ryerson To those concerned the pilot could
Ryerson’s sharps containers pro- will determine if the bins become encourage drug abuse on campus,
gram hopes to provide a safe option permanent at the end of the pilot, Sharma says the nearby safe injection
for students like Moura to discard Sharma wrote to The Eye. site at 277 Victoria St. will facilitate
needles. According to Facilities Man- “We will be closely monitoring the needs of drug users. Tanya Pop-
agement and Development, the num- the containers to see if they are be- pleton, the manager of Ryerson Secu-
ber of unsafely discarded needles, ing used and how often we have to rity and Emergency Services, said in
otherwise known as sharps, has been replace the full bins,” she said. an email that the bins are focused on
growing across campus. Stray needles Accessibility to public sharp con- addressing medical conditions.
are often found on washroom floors, tainers remains an everyday issue for “The purpose of these bins is to
in garbage bins and in bushes. diabetics. Those with Type 1 diabetes reduce the chances of being harmed
The six-month pilot project has require a continuous intake of insulin, by an exposed needle, so we believe
introduced 18 medical disposal sometimes needing between three to they are effective in that manner.”
LOVE LIKE THEIRS parents, I learned love should be fun. Love should be playful.
Love should be singing old advertisement jingles in the car
together and practicing your boxing in the kitchen and acci-
BY SKYLER ASH three times a week and my dad sits with my mom while she dentally giving your husband a black eye (true story).
falls asleep on the couch. They carry photos of each other in And that’s what we wanted to do with this issue. We decid-
My parents met at a bar. On the crowded dance floor of The their wallets. They are in love. ed to have fun. We decided to play. And we decided to explore
Ports, a Toronto bar that’s long been closed, my father saw I want a love like my parents have. In almost every stranger what love and sex can look like. Having sex isn’t always about
my mother across the room, leaned over to his friend and told I see, I try and picture our lives together, and I wonder if we love. Sometimes it’s just about exploration and lust and fun.
him, “That’s the woman I’m going to marry.” They danced for could be as happy as my parents are. They have five kids and And we should try to have fun whenever we can. We decided
the first time while “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell played, talked still manage to have fun. And I want that. I want to have toast to write about what people can look like in love and how love,
all night and exchanged numbers. After three dates, they were with my partner in the morning, I want to fight about who got sex and sexuality can affect an individual. Sometimes it’s dys-
engaged. And after almost 35 years, they’re still married. The more steps that day, about who did better at boxing and to fall functional, uncomfortable and unexpected.
pants my mom wore the night she met my father are still in asleep on the couch with someone. So eat toast with the people you love. Give them an acciden-
her closet, and they both have pins from the bar that say “I got I thought I was in love once, but it didn’t end very well. But tal black eye in the kitchen and then serve a beautiful dinner to
lucky at The Ports.” maybe I just haven’t walked into the right bar yet. And that’s your family. Keep the pants you wore when you saw the per-
They have coffee and toast at the counter every morning, OK. I’ll walk in to every bar if it means I can be so wildly in son you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Because
compare their Fitbit stats with fierce pride, go boxing together love like my parents are. Because growing up watching my it’s fun. It’s love. And those pants were pretty sexy.

GLOSSARY
Media
Malachi Rowswell
Mikayla Fasullo
Listed here are some terms and phrases we use in this issue that might
need some extra context. Parnika Raj
BDSM (each word within it): letters within BDSM are dis-
puted, but can include “Bondage and Discipline,” “Dominance Copy Editors
and Submission,” “Sadomasochism,” “Sadism and Masochism,”
and “Slave/Master.” Karoun Chahinian
Bottom: a role where a partner receives action or sensation. Alanna Rizza
Top: a role where a partner gives action or sensation.
Switch: someone who switches between and enjoys both sub Igor Magun
and dom(me) roles.
Sub: the submissive partner, one who surrenders power or
control during sex. Other views of sub include one who makes Writers
the demands which are fulfilled by the dom(me).
Dom/domme: the dominant partner, one who exerts control. Karoun Chahinian
Other views of dom(me) include the dominant partner who Alanna Rizza
fulfills the desires of the sub.
Femme: gender identity or presentation that leans towards Emerald Bensadoun
what is societally associated with femininity but can be used by Stefanie Phillips
those of all or no gender identities and expressions. Sarah Krichel
Femme passing: one who is perceived as having a feminine
identity/gender regardless of how the individual in question Andrea Josic
Ida Monroe

MASTHEAD
identifies.
Fetish: sexual arousal from objects, practices or situations not
typically affiliated with sexual arousal. Sidney Drmay
Flesh hook suspension: involves suspending the body in the Camila Kukulski
air through hooks in freshly pierced body piercings. May or
may not be sexual. Editor-In-Chief
Futomomo: part of Japanese rope bondage, a leg tie used for Models
sex play. Sierra Bein
Gender expression: the way in which one expresses their Casey Lynne
chosen gender identity (or lack thereof). Raheem Rose
Gender identity: usually affiliated with one’s internal gender Managing Editor
identity (or lack thereof). Kyle Stewart
Hentai: a Japanese subgenre of manga and anime, usually fea- Skyler Ash Brandon Yung
turing overly sexualized characters and plots.
Heteronormative: the assumption that heterosexuality is the
Rebecca Tran
societal or cultural norm. Photographers Adan Perez
Intersectionality: the interconnectedness of an individual or Vidya Thakoordeen
group’s race, class, sexual orientation and gender identity/ex- Camila Kukulski
pression and how they relate to disadvantage/discrimination Yasamin Ahmadzadeh
Kosalan Kathiramalanathan
or oppression. Lauren Saarimaki
Non-monogamy: having multiple romantic or sexual part- Samantha Moya
ners, or those that do not identify or adhere to monogamy
Stephanie Ricciardi
(having one sexual and romantic partner). Nelaajan Jogathasan
Paraphilia: recurring abnormal sexual desires, expressed ei- Creative Director Adnan Saffie
ther in mental images or behaviours. Some affiliate paraphilia
with extreme, dangerous or deviant activities, but not exclu- Camila Kukulski
sively. A very big thank you to all of our
Vanilla: conventional sex that conforms to basic cultural/so- incredible, beautiful models who are
cietal expectations of sex. Design Director
LGBTQ+: an umbrella term that is includes but is not limited featured in this issue!
to lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, questioning, the plus Skyler Ash
representing sexualities such as intersex, asexual, aromantic,
pansexual, polysexual and two-spirit.

LOVE, SEX & PLAY 6 FEBRUARY 14, 2018
THE SCIENCE
OF KINK
Why do people like the things they like? Research and
experts believe the preferences you have in the bedroom
can be attributed to one thing: science

BY KAROUN CHAHINIAN

K
Kink. It’s not a dirty word. But whenever it’s brought up in a stimuli. This helps researchers
conversation, people often blush, change the topic or blabber locate the different brain sectors
in denial that they’re not into “anything weird.” But what often and physiological reactions when
isn’t discussed is how common kink actually is. a person is exposed to their sexual
According to a poll run by the dating website OkCupid in preference.
April 2017, out of 400,000 of their members, 71 per cent say “For someone who’s kinky and
they were into kink. Of those, 75 per cent of men and 62 per they’re interested in this particu-
cent of women says they’re into rough sex, and 64 per cent of lar thing that this vanilla person
men and 51 per cent of women were interested in Bondage, isn’t interested in, their brain will
Discipline (or Dominance), Sadism and Masochism (BDSM). be having these activations that
But what sparks most of the controversy or negative reac- are more elevated than someone
tions whenever kink is brought up are mainstream misconcep- who’s not interested,” says Yule.
tions and lack of knowledge on what it actually is. In the most Kathryn Klement, a sex and
basic definition, kink is any sexual preference that is deemed BDSM researcher and professor at Bemidji State University, SOCIOLOGY
to be unconventional—which can really be an endless list. This says this also has a lot to do with differing pleasure and pain Maybe you’ve been walking around with your eyes closed
umbrella term includes fantasies, fetishes, paraphilias, BDSM thresholds or tolerances. Compare it to people who need to your whole life and haven’t been exposed to kink at all to truly
and anything else that goes beyond basic “vanilla” sex, which a eat very spicy food in order to taste it: some people seek out know whether or not you like it. Without proper conversa-
lot of people have been pretending to enjoy since high school. more extreme forms of pleasure because that’s the only way tion or positive media representation about kink, it’s difficult
One common question people both inside and outside the they can fully experience sex. This threshold is something that to gauge whether or not you’re kinky.
kink community have raised is why some people are kinky and can be biologically inherited, but also developed over time, Klement says most people use their 20s to experiment and
others are not—and the reasoning behind that is complex. It’s a says Klement. figure out what they enjoy sexually, but it’s also not uncom-
blend of biological, psychological and sociological factors. “Some folks have a higher threshold for sensory experi- mon for someone to be introduced to kink in their 40s or 50s
ences meaning that they need more sensory experience to by a partner, sparking a late sexual awakening.
BIOLOGY feel it,” says Klement. “A person who eats a ghost pepper to Positive media representation plays a huge role in lack of
There is evidence that shows that people are born with pre- feel something, in an extreme example, has a higher thresh- proper conversation surrounding unconventional sex, such
existing sexual preferences, similar to sexual orientation, but old for doing that.” as with kink. A popular book/movie series that people in the
that doesn’t mean everyone is born into a fixed sexual identity. kink community love to call out for being factually and rep-
According Morag Yule, a Toronto-based clinical psychologist PSYCHOLOGY resentationally problematic is Fifty Shades of Grey. But with
at the Toronto Sexuality Centre, kink is developed through a While some people may feel a physical craving or inclination all the dangerous misrepresentations in mind, Klement says
mix of nature and nurture. towards kink, upbringing and psychological factors also have a the fact that the relationship between the two lead characters
“It’s so complex … when we’re trying to narrow down [sex- lot to do with whether or not these inclinations are developed. Christian and Anastasia began after signing a firm contract
uality] to something, it can be really challenging to understand Stigma and social context play a huge role in personal re- which draws out limits, activities and other sexual preferences
it,” says Yule, adding that their role as researchers is to identify actions towards kink. If someone grows up in a traditional highlights sends a positive message about consent and pre-sex
patterns in sexuality, rather than fixed answers. home or town where kink is strongly stigmatized, the per- conversation.
Yule says sex research is vital so that she is able to educate and son may either be turned off by kink entirely, or internal-
comfort clients, break social stigmas surrounding unconven- ize their attraction towards it, which would only build over Stigma and social context
tional sex, and answer broader questions raised by the public. time. But this idea of shame which leads to internalization
She says a lot of sex researchers analyze people’s neurological of feelings is dangerous and is caused by the rigid idea of
reactions to different sexual preferences through functional what is normal.
MRI scans—which detect changes of blood flow—by compar- “The problem with current norms and how we think about
“ play a huge role in personal
reactions towards kink
ing kinky and vanilla participant’s reactions to different sexual sex is that they’re not really representative of what people ac-
tually experience or are interested in,” says Yule. “If we ac- A lot of media representation of sex is subtle and vanilla,
tually talked about these things and really understood other according to Klement. “All of a sudden it magically happens
everyone’s interests, and had it more on the table and open that he’s doing exactly the right thing to her body and she’s
discussion, some of the stuff wouldn’t be as problematic as cumming seventeen times and it’s so wonderful but they never
people think it is.” talk about condoms,” says Klement. “Sex requires some kind
With rigid norms also comes the cliché temptation to go of conversation about it. You can’t just go into it expecting
against them, whether it’s publicly or privately depends on the that everything is going to be non-verbal and everyone will
individual. be okay with that.” Even though it’s just a movie, it’s still a
But Klement also says outside of social context, kink can be harmful representation.
developed through classical conditioning, a behaviour-based Before you judge your kinky friends, take a moment listen
concept of repetition and reward. This can be applied into and be open to engaging in a conversation about it—even if it
our everyday lives, including the development of kinks and makes you uncomfortable. Because what you probably didn’t
fetishes. An example Klement gave included a thirteen-year- know about kink is that it actually contributes to a stronger
old boy masturbating in his bathroom to not risk one of his state of mental health according to a 2013 study published in
family members walking in. As he climaxes, he notices a pair The Journal of Sexual Health. It increases communication and
of nylons drying on the shower rod. Because he saw that ob- intimacy between partners and even reduces stress.
ject at the perfect time, he now associates it with pleasure and By shifting the tone surrounding kink, it may be destig-
arousal, and may develop a fetish for nylons. A combination of matized and nearly half the population won’t have to feel
experiencing something at the perfect time and place. ashamed for what they enjoy in the bedroom. It should be less
Personality also has a lot to do with interest in kink and about what makes people kinky, and more on why it’s an issue
BDSM. If someone has an open and adventurous personality, to begin with.
they may be more inclined to try new things in the bedroom, “It’s more just about destigmatizing it, normalizing it,” says
rather than someone who doesn’t like change. This may be a Yule. “Whether it comes from biology, family, psychology, it
factor in why some people are kinkier than others. doesn’t really matter. Because here we are.”

FEBRUARY 14, 2018 7 LOVE, SEX & PLAY
LOSING THE
V-CARD
While some may be saving themselves for the right person,
others argue that there’s no point in waiting to have sex. So why
and when do people choose to lose their virginity?

BY ALANNA RIZZA
showing quite the opposite. was acceptable and didn’t count as losing your virginity—but
According to a 2015 study using tampons was only OK after you had vaginal sex which
from the Archives of Sexual Be- should be after marriage. Alissa, now 24 years old, has been
haviours, U.S. adults surveyed in sexually active since, but the notion of virginity still angers
2002 to 2012 who had more sex- her. “To this day, what my cousins said fucked me up, because
ual partners were more likely to what they think doesn’t make any sense—like what is really
have casual sex and were more virginity anyways? I was 15 years old getting this information
accepting of sex before marriage from someone older so I was confused if that was something I
than adults in the 1970s and ‘80s. should have been doing.”
The survey also found that ac- For Nikhil Gupta, sex should only be shared with someone
ceptance of premarital sex rose a person sees themselves marrying and is in love with. He says
steadily for those born between it also takes maturity for someone to be able to know when
1901 to 1964, but then declined they’ve met that “special person.” Gupta thinks his genera-
among Generation X. The most tion’s overall casual attitude towards sex has taken away from
accepting of sex before marriage the meaning behind it and that it’s only about pleasure.
are those born between 1982
and 1999.
For 20-year-old Orthenz,
sex is put on the back burner
because her studies and career “ When Alissa had sex for the
first time she immediately

Q
take up most of her time and
Quinn Orthenz* was sitting at her desk in her all-girl Grade energy. She’s had casual hookups since high school, but hasn’t in thought, ‘Oh my god my
10 religion class. She watched as her old, white male teacher the last year or so. Marriage has never been much of a thought
handed her and her classmates a contract—”I promise to save in relation to hook ups; she never took away the lesson that mom is going to fucking kill
my virginity until marriage,” read the small piece of paper, God doesn’t want her to have premarital sex from her Catholic
along with a spot for each girl to sign. Orthenz looked around education. Her sex education was only focused on heterosexual herself.’
at her classmates, who were signing the paper eagerly in or- relationships and penetrative sex, which she says was an overall
der to leave the classroom. But Orthenz hesitated. There was “alienating experience” because her sexuality didn’t apply. “I think not having sex helps build self-control. It’s hard to re-
only a few more minutes until the bell rang and she still hadn’t “l identify as queer and a lot of the language used in class was sist sex in an environment such as university. However, in the
signed the credit card-sized piece of paper; small enough to heteronormative so that made me distance myself even more long run I know it will be an entire different feeling losing it to
carry in a wallet to be pulled out whenever there was the from that idea that a women will be destroyed or deflowered the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with,” said
temptation to have sex. if she has sex before marriage,” says Orthenz. Gupta.
Orthenz put the unsigned paper in her backpack. As Despite the rising acceptance of sex before marriage, recent But Alissa’s ‘first time’ was underwhelming and nothing special.
she walked through the halls of her Catholic high school, data shows young people aren’t having much sex at all com- She thinks it’s better to have sex with someone before marrying
she thought about throwing the contract away, but she felt pared to our parents’ generation. A study published almost a them because you “know what to expect.” She believes the physi-
guilty—what if God was watching as she threw it in the trash? year later, also by the Archives of Sexual Behaviours, stated cal aspect is always part of a relationship and it can make a huge
For about a week, the contract remained in the back of Orth- that about 15 per cent of Americans aged 20 to 24 years old impact on how long a couple lasts. “To me it’s much scarier being
enz’s mind. She knew she wasn’t going to sign it, so she made had no sexual partners before the age of 18, more than double in bed when I’m 40 with a man I absolutely despise, rather than
up her mind that she was never going to allow anyone to be since the ‘60s. “Contrary to popular media conceptions of a having multiple sexual partners and dying alone.”

M
a gatekeeper to her virginity. She threw the contract in the ‘hookup generation’ more likely to engage in frequent casual
garbage, but on a different floor from her religion class just in sex, a higher percentage of Americans in recent cohorts, par- Marriage has never been a goal or priority for Orthenz. If it
case her teacher was watching. ticularly Millennials and iGen’ers born in the 1990s, had no happens, it happens, and she wouldn’t be devastated if she
Even though the sexual freedom movement started in the sexual partners after age 18,” says the study. Millennials might never found “the one.” But the possibility of having a life part-
‘60s, the emergence of the internet and dating apps has also not be having as much sex as their parents did, but that’s not ner has been brought more to the forefront of her thoughts as
contributed to a rise in casual dating and hookup culture. Mil- because marriage is on their minds. she becomes more open about her sexuality.
lennials, Generation Y, or those born in the early ‘80s to late Orthenz hasn’t come out to her family. She describes herself

D
‘90s, were quickly fixed with a stereotype by the baby boomers Dolores Alissa’s* mom was dropping her off at school. Even as straight and femme-passing; wearing makeup and having
that they were constantly having casual sex, had commitment though her high school promoted abstinence, at 14 years old long hair which doesn’t match the appearance of what her
issues and couldn’t put a label on a relationship. The birth of Alissa was just starting to think more about her sexuality and family thinks queer people look like. Orthenz thinks if she
Generation Y was also the beginning of a steady decline in what it would be like to become intimate with a guy. But then were to tell them about her sexuality, they would think she was
teen pregnancies. According to a Statistics Canada report, in her mom started talking about how happy she was that her just experimenting or going through a phase. She thinks about
the last 25 years, there has been a decrease in the rate of teen- daughter wasn’t “one of those girls who had sex and did drugs.” that along with bringing someone into the family permanently
age pregnancies in part because “the social stigma that once Alissa listened quietly as her mom said, “If I found out you and how it would be a long and difficult adjustment period for
attended out-of-wedlock pregnancy may have diminished.” were having sex, I would kill myself.” Alissa says her middle them. “There’s a sense of permanence with marriage of course,
Stats Canada started collecting teen pregnancy data in 1974, eastern mother has a tendency to be overly dramatic—but two and at the end of the day, as pessimistic as it sounds, it is a
when there were 62,279 pregnancies from women under 20 years later when Alissa had sex for the first time she immedi- contract … and [with] that sense of permanence, my family
years of age. This is compared to the most recent data from ately thought, “Oh my god my mom is going to fucking kill herself.” will be like, ‘Oh, [Orthenz] won’t go back to being straight’
2005 when the number of pregnancies in the same age group After almost every hook up, she felt slutty and ashamed. She which I think will always be in the back of their mind no
was almost cut in half at 30,948. knows she shouldn’t feel that way, but she can’t help but be matter how accepting family can be.”
The decline in teen pregnancies has been widely attributed reminded of her judgemental high school teachers and peers. “If I end up falling in love with someone who is a woman
to increased knowledge of contraceptives, sexually transmitted Alissa, like many other millennials who didn’t get much sex or a non-binary person, how will that look to my Filippino
infections and possibly even the fear of consequences of hav- education, found herself turning to close friends and cousins immigrant family? I can date them but, marrying them is like
ing sex instilled in young minds. But today’s youth continue to to learn about sex, and what was acceptable to do before mar- a whole other level.”
be viewed as if they still lots of casual sex, despite the numbers riage. Her older cousins would tell her that having anal sex *Names have been changed to protect anonymity

LOVE, SEX & PLAY 8 FEBRUARY 14, 2018
PARENTAL
ADVISORY
What would you do if your parents had your life planned out
for you, right down to the person you’re going to marry? One
writer talks about what his future could be with a woman he
hasn’t even met

BY ANONYMOUS

E
Ever since I was young, my parents have played a big role friends around me date so openly, while I had to date in secret find a genuine connection with whomever my parents want
in my life. They’ve always felt the need to micromanage my like I was committing a crime. me to meet, not without getting to know the person. But this
life so I wouldn’t stray from the path they wanted me to go Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you want to look is made even more difficult because my parents have kept me
down. For a long time growing up, everything from the cloth- at it) we broke up, before the question of “How do I bring this in the dark on who they’ve had in mind on who they want me
ing I wore to the television shows I could watch was filtered up to my parents?” became pressing. But that doesn’t mean to marry.
through them. Years later, things have changed quite a bit. dating has gotten any easier. It’s fallen into the same cycle of
I can finally pick my own clothing (thank god), and I watch meeting someone I like, going on a few dates and keeping the The only thing I do know
what I want, whenever I want to. But that doesn’t mean my
parents have stopped managing my life completely. There are
plenty of standards I still have to live up to. One of them is that
they expect me to marry someone I’ve never met.
whole thing on the down low while panicking about how my
parents would react if they found out.
Trying to talk to my friends about this has also been just as
awkward sometimes. As far as I know, I’m the only person in
“ about this girl is she’s literally
an ocean away, living in Sri
Lanka
Conversations about my love life started when I was kid. my friend group that’s gotta go through with this. I lived in a
They never forcibly hammered the idea into my head, but very culturally mixed neighbourhood so there weren’t a lot of
rather tried to “convince” me that love was a recipe for disas- Tamil kids around me growing up, and those who I did end The only thing I do know about this girl is she’s literally
ter. That falling in love would keep me blind from the pit- up befriending didn’t have to face the same problem, or their an ocean away, living in Sri Lanka. The cultural barriers be-
falls of the relationship, and an arranged marriage would be parents didn’t bother to bring the topic of marriage and love tween us are another roadblock I’ve considered. I won’t be
stable and I’d meet someone they had in mind when I turned with them. I truly felt alone in facing the problem, and some- able to make the same shitty jokes and obscure movie refer-
20. In any case if I were to fall in love, they had to be the same times I still feel alone, despite the reassurance of my friends ences without it flying over their head. There would be little
as me: Sri Lankan and Tamil at a minimum of a dozen other that things will work out. that we would be able to connect through. I don’t want to
standards. abandon the culture I grew up with and I don’t expect her
They both had their own reasons for this. They themselves The last person I dated perhaps came the closest to a com- to do so either.
were in an arranged marriage, before moving to Canada promise. She was someone I liked who happened to speak the But I also know rejecting her would break my parents heart
shortly after. My mother was always the more vocal one on same language as me, despite being different in every other and the vision they have for me. I’ve broken and changed a
the topic. For her it was an issue of pride and culture. She way. For the first time I felt like I could have a “normal” rela- lot of the standards that they’ve set for me over the years, but
wants to see her first born have a traditional family with a tionship, one that I didn’t have to hide or try to push down. this one seems to be the one that they might not budge on. A
wholesome reputable girl, while preserving our culture. My But even then, talks of an arranged marriage put a strain on part of me understands why they won’t. They’re afraid that I’ll
father was more practical on the issue. All he cares for is that us. In the end, things fell apart, partly from questioning how lose my culture if I don’t, and that if I were to marry someone
she understands him when he speaks Tamil, and that our kid my parents would react. different, than they won’t want a traditional Hindu wedding,
can speak it back. The only thing that hasn’t really changed is the conver- or that they won’t want to come visit Sri Lanka. If I were to
As a kid I really couldn’t be bothered that much, mainly be- sations I have with my parents about the topic of love and date anyone that didn’t fit their standards it would isolate me
cause I had no concept of love or attraction, and turning 20 felt marriage. Largely it’s the same as when I was a child, with my further from them.
like an eternity away. It wasn’t anything I had to worry about. parents telling me it’s for my own good, and that it’ll make Standing between my own happiness and my parents is a
But then the hormones kicked in. me happy. They haven’t even told me who they want me to reality I’ve just come to accept. The best and only way I can
As I entered my teenage years, there was a lot of change in marry. cope with the dilemma is the same way I’ve been doing for
my mentality. The first girl I was ever attracted to was white It’s put me in a stressful place, forcing me to make a decision years now: try not to worry and hope that by the time I have
as fuck, which for someone who was raised being told that about whose priority I’m going to put ahead: my parents or to confront my parents their plans have pushed back another
the only person I should find attractive was someone like me mine. I’ve come to learn that this isn’t how I want my roman- day. At the end of the day though, I know someone is going to
made it an awkward first relationship. It was hard to see my tic life to go. It seems too cold and artificial. I won’t be able to get hurt, and I’ll have to decide who it’ll be.

FEBRUARY 14, 2018 9 LOVE, SEX & PLAY
FINDING POWER was difficult to break routine. Months later, for the first time in
Zalewski’s life, he felt horribly unsure of himself. He’d been flirt-

THROUGH PLAY
ing with a new girl for some time whose friends invited him to
their apartment. But he was confused. “Spit in my mouth,” she
demanded. “Slap me.” Zalewski was torn between arousal and
inner turmoil. If there was one thing he’d ever been taught from
a young age, it’s that good boys don’t hit women.
For Zalewski, empowerment is a quiet confidence, and feel-
BDSM isn’t for everyone. But for the people who enjoy ing a level of control that builds pleasure from the knowledge
engaging in acts of bondage, domination, submission and that he is fulfilling his partners’ desires. Zalewski, who lives
in Toronto’s downtown core, offers relationship and personal
masochism, they can find a new way to experience their body coaching for various clients in his spare time, but he doesn’t
charge money for it. The women in his life kept asking him for
advice on BDSM. He decided he would try his best. In 2016 he
BY EMERALD BENSADOUN -coming BDSM boutique in Toronto’s Annex. BDSM, she created Authentic Connections, to help people overcome their

M
says, is about much more than pain—it’s about empowerment. barriers in exchange for a relationship they’ve always wanted.
Marianne LeBreton is suspended in mid-air, tied in an upside LeBreton says we could use a little more playfulness in our His goal was to have someone open up to him enough about
down futumomo, legs bound together. The ropes cascade in lives. More sensuality. More discovery. “That’s usually what the types of barriers that were preventing his clients and their
intricate patterns, beginning at her ankles and working their I hear from customers who are curious; they are excited and partners from having the sex life they wanted to have.
way all the way around her wrists. The ropes arch her body thrilled to be daring and to be doing this for themselves or “What are your fantasies? What are your desires? What
backward. Her breathing steadies. Serenity washes through their partners,” says LeBreton. “It’s definitely a journey of self- do you want out of your partner or partners?” He would ask
her. The slight discomfort of certain positions causes slow discovery and acceptance.” In her workshops, being naked and them. Once he could get them to admit what they actually
burns to spread across her body—but the pain is secondary to engaging in play publicly, she says, has helped with her confi- wanted, they would work out a plan. Develop themselves, de-
the relief. LeBreton becomes entrenched in a state of flow. Her dence and body image. velop their skills to be able to do the things that would help
mind is quiet. She’s enjoying the intensity, both emotionally In 2015, Christian Joyal, who has a PhD in psychology from them achieve their goals. Zalewski says a lot of the time, this
and physically. the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières, and his colleagues is the most difficult step for the people he’s met with. It’s hard
For LeBreton, bondage has become a meditative experi- published a paper on fantasies; ranging from sex in a public for people to step outside their comfort zones sometimes, he
ence. When it comes to receiving pain, which she enjoys, it places, to tying up a sexual partner, to watching same-gender says, because they’ve been conditioned into associating kink
takes a certain focus and determination. LeBreton finds rope— sex and pornography. But there were also fantasies about be- and BDSM with abuse and mental instability.
especially Japanese rope bondage—to be particularly medita- ing dominated sexually. These were present in 65 per cent of A person becomes curious in BDSM. They don’t tell their
tive. She equates BDSM to an empowering “sense of calm,” but women and 53 per cent of men; dominating someone sexually, friends. Maybe they’re afraid of being ridiculed or judged.
it didn’t start out that way. present in 47 per cent of women and 60 per cent of men; being Maybe rejection. But maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe
“What colour should it be?” thought LeBreton. She wanted her tied up for sexual pleasure which appealed to 52 per cent of they just want to keep their personal life, personal.
boyfriend to like it. As an 18-year-old student on a budget, women and 46 per cent of men. In 2006, the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality pub-
it couldn’t be too expensive. For almost a week she scrolled lished an article that compared BDSM practitioners to pub-
There is something very

through the internet until she finally came across what she was lished norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the
looking for. It was even in her price range. This was the one. normative samples, those who actively engage in BDSM had
Satisfied, she clicked “purchase.” LeBreton had just bought her
staged, controlled and lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress dis-
first flogger—a whip with long tendrils coming out the end. “It intentional in BDSM order, psychological sadism, psychological masochism, bor-
felt like the beginning of something for me,” said LeBreton. derline pathology and paranoia.
When asked about her first experience with BDSM, she “From what we’ve seen, most people have a very strict image But just because a person likes to be controlled in the bedroom
grins from ear to ear, trying to visualize the details. “There of what [BDSM] should look like, which is very restricting,” doesn’t necessarily mean those needs translate into the real world
wasn’t Fifty Shades of Grey but there was hentai,” she says. At she says. BDSM, she notes, doesn’t have to involve leather. It and can have dangerous implications for parties involved.

J
the age of 13, LeBreton became fascinated with Bondage Fair- doesn’t have to involve pain. Another mistake is attributing
ies, an erotic manga about highly sexual, human-shaped fe- masculine or feminine traits to erotic behaviour. For many Jen Chan was 16. Her boyfriend was 24. He was her dominant
male forest fairies with wings who work as hunters and police people, BDSM is a healthy way to express their sexuality and and she was his submissive. “That was generally the dynamic
protecting the forest. grain a sense of control in their lives and of their bodies. of how our relationship went,” she says. But chipping away at
Now 30, LeBreton has an MA in sexology from Université When it comes to dominance and submission, negotia- her self-esteem, her boyfriend would pressure her into doing
du Québec à Montréal and owns KINK Toronto, an up-and tions, and boundaries, safety and consent are crucial. While things she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with, and she
the words “dominant” or “top” would go along with them, afraid of appearing inexperienced
may conjure up images of and childish to her older boyfriend. While BDSM allows you
complete control, those in the to play out different scenarios from that of everyday life, she
BDSM world know that the says her first experience with dominance and submission was
submissive, or “bottom” hold just an extension of the life she already had.
true power. “The bottom is the After their relationship ended, Chan says it took her sev-
one who gets to decide what eral years until she felt confident enough to engage in BDSM
they would like, what they do again. Coming out as queer, she says, has also made all the
not want, what their limits difference. Chan now identifies as a switch, which is someone
are,” says LeBreton, “It’s the who enjoys partaking in both dominant and submissive roles,
top’s responsibility to follow or both topping and bottoming.
that through. Of course some “There is something very staged, controlled and intentional
people have very specific kinks about BDSM, at least that’s the way I interact with it,” says
where it’s kind of like ‘I want Chan, who adds that her empowerment with BDSM lies in
you to take control.’ But that’s feeling like she’s doing something adventurous in an environ-
negotiated and within limits ment of her choice. Feeling satisfied sexually, she says, has
set by the bottom.” made her feel more confident in the real world.
Feeling in control can also Is what you’re doing safe? Is what you’re doing consensual?
be about letting go. Relin- Zalewski says risk awareness, the amount of risk a person is
quishing that sense of control comfortable taking in order to attain the pleasure plays a large
they exert in every other part role in BDSM. From flesh hook suspension to unprotected sex,
of their lives can be therapeu- it’s important to understand the personal level of risk you are
tic. For this reason, LeBreton comfortable with when it comes to the acts you want to perform.
says that men, especially those Chan says that while engaging in BDSM gave her the op-
in positions of higher power, portunity to try new things and step into new roles, most
will often identify as submis- importantly, it allowed her to reclaim control, sexually. As a
sives in the bedroom. person begins to immerse themselves in BDSM, Chan says,

A
they start to learn more about what makes them comfortable,
Alex Zalewski says he’s always where their boundaries lie, all while pushing themselves to
been a little rough. But in a sev- continually learn new things—and to her, that’s all empower-
en-year “vanilla” relationship, it ment really is.
LOVE, SEX & PLAY FEBRUARY 14, 2018
10
MY
IDENTITY
IS NOT
A PHASE
The hypersexualization of bisexual
people leaves them left out of the
communities that surround them ousted from the queer community by the very people that she them in a safe space. “It’s usually a big relief to acknowledge
sought approval from. Misconceptions of bisexuality don’t ex- your sadness.”
BY SARAH KRICHEL ist only among straight people. While this isn’t always accessible, Davis suggests turning to
When she came out to her family, the validation also wasn’t visibility. According to Davis, who is a coordinator for the Ry-

S
there. She was inclined to keep her identity a secret as she be- erson Students’ Union Equity Centre, this plays an important
Sarah Rowe had a huge, gut-wrenching crush. Make that came more self-conscious of how people perceived her. To role in dismantling this category of biphobia.
two crushes. Rowe and her friend Lucas* were ready to her queer friends, she was an in-the-closet straight person, One year ago, Davis took to her passion for embroidery to
walk home together after another long day in their freshman slutty and confused about who she wants. To straight people, make a testament to her bisexuality. The piece depicts a two-
year in high school. It was nearing 5 p.m. when Rowe’s best she was the “warden of the queer land”—the person anyone headed snake, just born, on the verge of death. It elicits the
friend, Amelia*, Lucas’ girlfriend, came through the empty could ask sex questions to. Davis was hypersexualized on both truth of being stuck in one body but having more than one
hallway. She was fighting with some other friends at the time ends and wasn’t being perceived as who she really is: someone direction to go in. She finds the animal unnecessarily politi-
and needed Rowe on her side. Amelia grabbed Rowe by the simply willing to love anyone and everyone. cized, just like her sexuality. “It’s just been born, and it prob-
shoulders tightly, pulled her aside and shook her purposefully. ably won’t last very long in its pure existence,” Davis says. But
“You’re my best friend,” Amelia told Rowe. “We’re going to be unlike the baby two-headed snake, Davis won’t let unwar-
[They’re] pretty quick to
best friends forever.”
Rowe felt butterflies in her stomach, but forced herself to
listen to her inner monologue in that moment: Don’t lean in
and kiss her. Don’t lean in and kiss her. Do. Not. Kiss her.
“ push bi people out, because
we’re just not gay enough
ranted opinions stifle who she is.
“I’m not out, but I’m really glad I have someone like you in
my life,” some bi folks told her upon seeing the piece.
Once Davis learned about the alternatives to the stringent
After making her case for Rowe’s loyalty, Amelia planted definitions of each letter, she didn’t question herself—unlike
a kiss on her boyfriend and fled. Rowe recognized her friend Rowe, who questioned her own identity after constantly being
was straight. If she ever disclosed her feelings, the friendship Being bisexual is often perceived as “fake queer,” as Davis challenged for it.
would surely end. So she decided to throw herself into the puts it, and as someone seeking attention because they just After Rowe came out she was ashamed for “daring” to come
crush she had on Lucas. At least a fraction more hope existed can’t decide on one gender. People also often assume their bi out as bi because she never had sex with a woman. “It’s just the
there. partner is more promiscuous due to being attracted to more mere thought of having to prove myself as a bisexual woman,”
Rowe’s high school heartbreak is reminiscent of any inno- than one gender and consequentially, assumed to be cheaters. Rowe says.

N
cent crush or young relationship. But once Rowe came out, By anyone, straight or gay, Davis’ sexuality was sexualized.
her love life became less about finding “the one” and more “I wanted them to accept me in that community,” Davis Nothing ever came to be between neither Rowe and Amelia,
about who she was attracted to. To others, the fact that Rowe remembers. “People that are supposed to be welcoming and nor Rowe and Lucas. But some months after their moment in
is attracted to more than one gender encapsulated her identity. understanding … those same people are the ones that are the hallway, an innocent, curious dare unexpectedly enticed
Egale Canada Human Rights Trust, a nonprofit advocacy pretty quick to push bi people out, because we’re just not gay Rowe to explore her sexuality again. She and her friends were
organization for LGBT+ equality, launched its second na- enough.” She says she’s perceived as being confused about curious to know if it was possible to breathe while kissing. It
tional inquiry into homophobia, biphobia and transphobia on what she wants. didn’t take them long to learn it was, and they kissed a few
Canadian post-secondary campuses in October. In 2012, their The bi identity itself is often dismissed, made invisible and more times that night. And it felt right for Rowe.
first inquiry found that 70 per cent of participating LGBTQ+ degraded. Another problem is that data doesn’t exist for these After that night, Rowe went on another hiatus from explor-
identifying students in Canadian schools reported hearing ho- experiences—according to a report from Researching for LG- ing her sexuality after the girl from that night told her to “nev-
mophobic remarks every day in school, and 10 per cent re- BTQ Health, the organization found that studies which probe er speak of this again” the next morning. It wasn’t until she got
ported hearing such remarks from teachers. treatment of LGBTQ+ people tend to overlook the unique ex- to Ryerson and started frequenting Toronto’s gay clubs and
But biphobia for women and femme people often takes place periences of the “B.” bars that she became more comfortable being honest about
in nuanced ways. When Rowe previously came out to her Navigating biphobia can be difficult with little statistics to who she was. While she still struggles with people sexualizing
male friends, the usual responses consisted of “it’s just a phase” cite and little to no access to support or resources. This short- her on a regular basis, she’s honest about who she is at the
accusations—something all too familiar in the bisexual com- age of resources is also prevalent in local book stores. Glad Day very least.
munity. Other times, reactions have to do with threesomes, Bookshop is a Toronto store dedicated to LGBTQ+ content
If you feel like you’re

asking whether she’s “even had sex with a woman before” or on Church Street. But books on bisexuality and biphobia exist
random sex questions because they assume Rowe’s some sort only on one shelf, with some content interspersed in other
of expert. “Everything I did and everything I said just became sections. Content for sale remains limited when it hardly ex-
bisexual, no one can tell
a little more sexual.” ists. Gay and lesbian fiction are more easily found in LGBTQ+ you you’re not

C
specific retailers, leaving bi folks with few resources.
Claire Davis was never on the fence about her bisexuality. “What you’re seeing as a result is this kind of biphobia going
But having to continuously reassure her own girlfriend of her unchecked,” Davis says. “People having to just carry their ex- Being bisexual is many things. It’s constantly facing
queerness slowly chipped away at Davis’ confidence in what perience on their own and not having a community to check threesome requests, assumed BDSM knowledge and
her own truth was. Are you sure you’re gay?: an unanticipated in with … That’s even more for people who live outside of presumed STDs. It’s a lack of support and resources on your
question for somebody in an on-again-off-again relationship cities or are in isolated situations.” local bookshelves. It’s fighting for equal rights alongside an
of about a year and a half—yet Davis had to deal with it on a Shiva Safari, a bisexual, LGBTQ+ therapist who special- oppressed community that doesn’t seem to want to accept you
regular basis. izes in collaborative, emotionally-focused therapy, says it’s all either. It’s butterflies in your stomach that you’re told are fake,
Disbelief and pressure to come out persisted in the group about the specific experience for the person—because contrary temporary and attention-seeking.
of queer friends the two hung out with. “If you don’t come to popular belief, every bisexual person is very different from What bisexuality is not, however, is a factor determined by
out, then we don’t believe that you’re actually queer,” they said the next. Safari advises that rather than focusing on the con- anyone other than yourself. “If you feel like you’re bisexual,”
to Davis, after an intoxicated night sitting on a kitchen floor descension and sexualization from within and outside of the Rowe says, “no one can tell you you’re not.”
at 3 a.m. Davis felt if she didn’t come out soon, she would be community, it’s good to talk about your feelings and validate *Names have been changed to protect anonymity.

FEBRUARY 14, 2018 11 LOVE, SEX & PLAY
LEARNING TO
LOVE YOURSELF
Whether you’re in a relationship or single, it’s important
to learn how to love yourself. It’s a skill that can be hard to
work on, but for some it can be life-changing

BY ANDREA JOSIC unpacking and accepting.

O
It’s been easier for May to be open about
On the subway ride home from a date with my then-boyfriend, her queerness than her non-monogamy with
I thought about my life before I had come out. I remember the her family. When she told a cousin about her
guilt I felt in Grade 8 when I realized I had a crush on a girl in non-monogamy, they assumed it was because
my neighbourhood, just weeks after I had my first kiss with a May wanted to sleep around. While that
boy. Growing up, I was constantly on edge about the validity might be the case for some non-monogamous
of my bisexuality. I knew I wasn’t straight, but when I con- folks, May enjoys sharing a space and con-
sumed media with bisexual characters, I never felt represented. necting with people on an emotional level.
Was my identity really just something made up for the male Practicing non-monogamy has allowed May
gaze or straight people “experimenting” in college? to unlearn her demons. “I want to be honest
These thoughts were provoked by something my ex said: with myself,” she says.
“Nobody comes out as bisexual, that’s not a real thing. Any- May admits that she still struggles with
ways, you’re with me now.” I think it would’ve hurt less if insecurities but her self-love has grown. A
he said it with the intention to make me feel bad. The fact few years ago, she wouldn’t have been able
that he said it so casually as if it were true shattered the small to treat herself so kindly. “If I’m not telling
amount of confidence I had. In that moment, all of the judg- the truth, I’ll feel guilty. I’m not carrying that
ment and ignorance I faced came up at once. I admitted it heaviness because there’s so many things in this world that try a man who became abusive. First, he abused her emotionally
to myself: I was ashamed of my sexuality. I wanted to crawl to make me feel heavy.” and verbally, and then physically and sexually.
back into the closet and cover myself with the mask I worked Al Mcdonough, a genderqueer Ryerson student who uses “During that relationship, I lost all sense of self-love. Espe-
so hard to rip off. they/them pronouns, feels as though non-monogamy allowed cially when the emotional abuse took place,” said Farzana.
What makes up an individual is multifaceted. Finding a them to be transparent in a way that’s not usually encouraged “It strips you of any feeling of beauty, love and self-respect.”
sense of self-worth is difficult in a world that tells people ev- in society. Mcdonough feels like the experiences of coming out Eventually, Farzana left her husband. Now, 22 and in her first
ery out-of-the-norm part of themselves is wrong. Some of the as non-monogamous and gender nonconforming are similar year in social work at Ryerson, she is still learning how to love
earliest ideas of self-esteem and self-love in modern society are because a lot of the reactions to both are the same: “What the herself following the marriage. She created a practice where
credited to psychologist William James in the late 19th cen- fuck is that? That’s not real.” she would sit in front of a mirror and repeat everything her ex-
tury. He reasoned that humans measure their worth by com- Despite their experiences, Mcdonough has tried to work husband used to do and say and would counter it with positive
paring their success to their expectations. Over the years, this towards self-love by creating not only a space for others in affirmations.
theory has been debunked because of the fact that nobody is their life, but a space to process their own insecurities. “My In a report by Christopher K. Germer and Kristin Nef, the
able to control how often they fail. More recently, it’s become gut knows if somebody does not communicate with me trans- founders of The Centre for Mindful Self-Compassion, they de-
about what people take away from their experiences. parently,” says Mcdonough, “and that is learned from having scribe self-compassion as a “platform for healing.” Germer
The complexity of self-love thickens when it comes to the trauma.” and Nef believe that negative experiences are necessary in or-

I
intersectionality of identities. Kelisha May, a 19-year-old Ry- der for individuals to learn how to treat themselves gently, and
erson student who is Black, queer and practices non-monog- It’s difficult to overcome the barriers of certain identities and in turn, relearn how to love themselves.
amy, says it’s difficult to find a soft landing place in a super the trauma that can come from the experiences attached to “That’s what self-love means to me,” says Farzana. “Being
heteronormative world that isn’t kind to people of colour. them, especially when you’ve touch with yourself. At 17, Ryer- able to look at yourself and remind yourself of what you went
There are a lot of aspects of her identity she’s working on son student Tarim Farzana was arranged into a marriage with through and still be able to call yourself beautiful.”

THE TOWEL WRAP
Drag can be an empowering way to use your body. This drag queen tells us about the
power of the dress, by sharing the story of the first time they wore one

BY IDA MONROE seemed to swallow my slender, “boyish” frame even more,
hiding beneath layers and layers of black cotton.
The classic towel wrap-dress has been the introduction for Adults watched me dissolve under the clothing, smiling in
many a queen over the years, but I like to think I elevated it the same way you might smile at a dog trying to swim. As
to a higher art form. much as I hated it, I was more than happy to play along if it
I knew my silhouettes. I could work the towel into a floor meant getting to be my mother’s “little man,” or that I could
length gown, I could create movement and rhythm and fla- blend into the background of other plaid ties.
vour with just intricate folding. Alexander Wang and Alex- But whenever I pictured my red carpet look, a belt and
ander McQueen were shooketh. jacket had no place there.
But that’s the poetic irony of the towel dress. It is never on I remember the first time I wore a dress outside the house,
display. It poses in fogged mirrors, it accompanies hairbrush it felt just like wearing a towel dress. The familiar squeeze
Oscar speeches, but boys in towel dresses never ever, ever set around the waist, the caress at the legs, and the same hug
foot outside the bathroom door. Unless they want the fearful reminding me of the existence of my body.
looks of their mothers, or the mortified stares of their sisters, The bustle of the thrift store faded away, just like the bath-
or the disgust of the men they seek to impress. room fan at home, and that changing room might as well
Somehow, I always felt even more ridiculous in a tux have been a limousine. The floor of the changing room
than I did in a towel dress, and I think the world knew that. might have been tile, but I didn’t hear the steps of the size
Tuxes never sat right on my toothpick shoulders, and they 10 heels.
always flapped loosely around my chicken legs. Each wrinkle Shoes don’t make noise on red carpet.

LOVE, SEX & PLAY 12 FEBRUARY 14, 2018
TV MADE ME GAY
media that made us gay. Well, maybe not ‘made’ us gay neces- on someone non-existent that wouldn’t tell all our classmates
sarily, but certainly helped with that sexual awakening people about how I was sinning. I could talk about how cool I thought
have and gave us some kind of representation. It’s almost three they were and my friends assumed it was purely admiration
pages long. for a character, not an intense crush. All the discomfort and
One of my first crushes growing up was Raven from Teen confusion of being a young queer kid in Catholic school was
Titans. I would wake up every Saturday and station myself in alienating, it made it impossible for me to feel like I could be-
front of the TV, waiting for the show to start. If I was ex- lieve in a God who hated me. So instead of devoting myself to
tra lucky it would be a marathon day. I had never read any God and a community that didn’t want me, I devoted myself
of her comics and didn’t even fully realize that the character to the goth girls of my dreams. I dyed my hair dark blue when
was actually created in the ‘80s. All I knew was that her snarky I was twelve, wrote shitty fanfiction and I worshiped their
attitude and purple hair was super cool. Raven sparked an un- shows, watching everything I could as often as I could.
ending trend of immediately being obsessed with the spunky, I learned how to stream on the family PC and started down-
goth girl character in shows as soon as she was introduced. loading as soon as I got my first laptop for my fourteenth birth-
You know the ones: Sky High’s Magenta, Nikki from 6teen, day. If my school days were bad at least I had some good shows
Shego from Kim Possible, Ellie from Degrassi. They were cool, and movies to watch at home to help me feel better. They
tough, stylish, a little bit scary and defied expected notions of still do too—they’ve become my comfort media. Whenever
femininity. It wasn’t until I was part-way through puberty that I’m feeling sad or sick, I turn to them, feeling the nostalgia of
I realized I didn’t just think these fictional girls were cool, but youthful crushes and happiness. I rewatch Degrassi, Teen Titans
that I legitimately had crushes on them. They were everything and 6teen at least once a year. They remind me that though this
I wanted to be while also being everything I wanted to kiss. world can be a cruel and uncaring place for young queer kids,
Growing up, I attended a French Catholic school in a small we still find ourselves wherever we can. Kids media has been
Being queer might be something we’re town in Southern Ontario, where there were plenty of peo- getting better; there’s overtly queer characters in major show-
born with, but the hot TV characters we ple who showed me why that would quite literally ruin my runners on major networks. It’s amazing to see and I still make
life. The girls who wouldn’t invite me to their sleepovers, the time to watch the episodes that have queer characters, but the
grew up with helped solidify it friend who immediately told everyone after I confessed to shows I was obsessed with as a kid still mean the most to me.
thinking a female classmate was cute; the Grade Six teacher They helped me feel comfortable in my identity, calmed my
BY SIDNEY DRMAY who sat me down and told me that the things I felt were a fears of loneliness and eventually helped me find other queer

L
problem; the Grade Seven teacher who told me gay marriage kids to bond with.
Let’s get one thing clear from the start: Growing up in the late was a sin. It was a constant battlefield of avoidance, shutting Even though I’m pretty sure being queer is just a thing you’re
‘90s/early 2000s was weird because they made cartoon char- down and brushing off what people say to me. I didn’t have the born with, I feel pretty confident in saying that TV made me
acters hot. I don’t know why they started doing that but they liberty to be a curious kid, I was more focused on surviving in gay. Without those goth girls I might have always felt a little
did, and now all us millennials have to live with the reality that a hostile environment. I lived in fear of developing a crush on bit broken. Which means, despite the weirdness of growing
a lot of our first crushes were cartoon characters. So thanks a classmate. up with hot cartoon characters, I really do have to thank the
for that, animation industry. As a direct result, my best friend This meant that the characters in TV shows and movies animation industry for making that a thing. So, again, thanks
Kayla and I have a list of all the characters from childhood were perfect for me, I could pin all my growing hormones for that, animation industry.

LOVE ON
it’s made the thought of trying a LDR a little more appealing. For some, sexting is a good way to connect, but for oth-
In fact, as many as 75 per cent of all university students will ers, they prefer using technology in different ways to enhance
find themselves in a LDR at some point during their educa- their relationship.
tion, according to a 2012 study by Purdue University. Cynthia Loyst, co-host of CTV’s The Social and founder

THE LINE
After making that decision two months ago, Bernabe joined of FindYourPleasure.com, says this expectation largely comes
the ranks of her fellow Canadians, texting her way through from the presence of pornography in the learning and explo-
the honeymoon stage with love, lust and a lot of technology. ration stages of defining your sexuality. As the internet grows,
But she admits it’s hard to stay intimate from 6,000 kilometres pornography continues to be the main driver in creating a
away. They can video-chat, talk on the phone and text all they person’s sexual fantasies.
want to keep their communication strong, but it’s the erotic “People may look to their partner and want them to or hope
Maintaining a connection and staying fantasies which are hardest to fulfill. In order to keep their that they might send a video or a visual that reminds them of
intimate in a long-distance relationship flame burning, sexting and exchanging nudes have become some of their fantasies,” she says. “But there’s so much more to
necessary. sex than just nakedness and pornographic images.”
can be hard. Here’s how some Ryerson “I feel that it is an important part of a relationship,” she says. Loyst says, for the most part, technology is a “friend” for
students are managing it “I like it because you know he still wants you, you know that
he still wants to see you, that he really wants to see your body,”
I like it because you know
BY STEFANIE PHILLIPS
she says. “It is sexy.”
It’s safe to say the exchange of erotic language dates back to
“ he still wants you, you know

A
the 18th century when Napoleon sent love letters to Josephine that he still wants to see you,
A lot has changed since Alysson Bernabe’s parents were in a using Quill, signing off with the sensual salutation, “A kiss on
long distance relationship (LDR) in the ‘80s. When Bernabe’s your heart and one much lower down… much lower.” that he really wants to see
dad immigrated to Canada in 1981, he left his wife in the Phil- The infiltration of sexting into our everyday life has made it your body
ippines while he worked to save enough money for her to join feel like an expectation for some people, one that leaves them
him. But during the two years it took to make his wife’s trip feeling vulnerable.

B
possible, the couple committed to a LDR. They sealed hand- couples dating long distance, but she advises them to set
written letters with love and sent them once a month, only But for Sophie de Francesco, being on either end of the sext boundaries to ensure that all exchanges are consensual. If sex-
calling each other occasionally because of the high cost. exchange makes her feel uncomfortable. Since high school, the ting and nudes are outside of your partner’s boundaries, find-
“I don’t think that would work [for me],” she says. “I don’t fourth-year early childhood studies student has been in three ing creative ways to play into your partner’s curiosity is the
think that’s possible at all.” Almost three decades later, the third- LDRs. The first lasted four months when her boyfriend at the way to go.
year theatre production student finds herself in a LDR of her time was living in Iran. She felt pressured to send nudes, even “It’s about being clever with your dialogue as opposed to just
own. Thanks to our digital world, hers has fewer limitations, though she didn’t always want to. The same pressure intensi- sending a random photo,” she says.
creating more ways to explore intimacy with your partner. fied in her second LDR when her partner left for a month to When Bernabe misses her boyfriend, she admits it’s the cre-
After meeting on OkCupid, Bernabe and her boyfriend travel to Thailand. With her current boyfriend, de Francesco ative messages that remind her why she decided to date long
clicked immediately. She told herself she wouldn’t get at- says she hasn’t felt the same kind of pressure because they have distance in the first place. The other day her boyfriend was
tached—he would eventually have to move back home to Par- established boundaries. sacrificing sleep in order to talk to Bernabe throughout her
is, France. But when it came time for them to part ways, nei- “My body is something that’s personal,” she explains. “You day. She was pleasantly surprised when she saw a phrase in
ther of them wanted to end their relationship. Together, they need to be here to experience my body ... it’s something that I French pop-up in her messages with the instruction to type it
agreed to make a committed attempt at dating long distance. think he and I should share together instead of something him into an online translator. When she clicked translate, “I miss
Being the first generation to grow up with the internet has just having.” The pressure, she says, also came from “societal you” appeared on the other side in English.
changed the nature of millennial relationships, especially those expectations” that made her believe it was a normal and neces- “That made me so happy,” she says. “I’m just thankful that
that are separated by plane rides and long drives. In many ways sary part of any LDR. there’s someone on the other side that truly cares about me.”

FEBRUARY 14, 2018 13 LOVE, SEX & PLAY
‘Oh, let me pencil that in,’” he says. “But I think it’s kind of
healthy to do that in some ways, have a person to do stuff
with and have your boundaries figured out—I won’t do any-
thing spur of the moment, especially with the recent events
in the Village.”
The assurance of safety is one of the more appealing factors
of the dick appointment. Not just in terms of consent, but with
the steady rise of STIs, having a trusted sexual partner you
know is safe is important. Though for many university stu-
dents with hectic schedules, also knowing when they’re going
to have sex gives them a little more structure.
Third-year student Jessica Sanders* schedules dick appoint-
ments, even in her committed relationship with her boyfriend.
“We’ll go out for dinner and a movie but the whole time we
both know what’s going to happen at the end of the night,”
says Sanders. “Sometimes it’s just about being straightforward
and saying ‘Hey, I need sex on this day.’ It makes things simpler
for the both of us.”
Sanders says her favourite part about it is knowing what
days to wear nicer underwear. Being in control of the situation
boosts her self-confidence, which she says makes the sex better.
“It’s also nice to have something to look forward to.”
Dick appointments seem like a pretty solid solution for peo-
ple like me, stuck in the limbo of not wanting a relationship,

MAKING TIME FOR
but still wanting a comfortable sexual relationship. But people
are messy and emotional, so things don’t always work out the
way they’re supposed to.
Part of McKelvie’s dick appointment ritual is getting to
know the person he sleeps with. He likes to develop some-

SEX. LITERALLY.
thing he has in common with them and build up a rapport
before entering a sexual relationship. It makes his whole
experience a little more comfortable, but in becoming more
comfortable with someone, sometimes McKelvie can’t help
getting a little attached.
“When you think about it, sex is one of the most intimate
Sometimes you just have to pencil in a specific time and date for sex. This is what things you can share with a person so when you go into this
some students are doing to make sure they’re staying satisfied dick appointment, always in the back of my mind I’m thinking
‘Is there a way to get out of this if I need to?’” he says. “It does
get hard to cut it off.”
BY ANONYMOUS have pre-dick appointment rituals (mine is running Piccolo’s “Dick appointments are probably unhealthy and problem-

A
motivational speech from Dragon Ball Z in my head). The criti- atic for me sometimes, but I think that has to do with self-
A couple months ago I got out of a long-term relationship. cal difference between a dick appointment and anything else confidence.” For McKelvie, not ditching the appointment for
There were a lot of things about it that I haven’t missed (having is that you know what’s going to happen and when it’s going a relationship comes back to one thing: he wants to work on
to make time for another person, annoying fights, my ex’s rac- to happen. And there’s a sense of freedom in that scheduling. himself before he works on being with someone else.
ist mom). But there are also parts of it that I really miss. It was You can get things ready: protection, nice underwear, a good I like the self-care aspect of the dick appointment. Millen-
great having someone to talk to when you needed it, someone playlist. It’s also a lot easier to set boundaries, especially if you nials are on track for becoming one of the most overworked
to laugh at your stupid jokes and watch bad movies with. But to pick a single partner. and sleep deprived generations. It gets harder and harder to

S
be honest, above everything, I really missed the sex. balance things as more responsibilities consume us, so recog-
One of the main reasons I broke up with my boyfriend was Since coming out a little over a year ago, Mark McKelvie, a nizing that you have sexual needs and taking safe, consensual
because I really didn’t have time to maintain a healthy relation- second-year journalism student at Ryerson University, felt like actions to satisfy them seems like one of the ways we can take
ship. So I knew coming out of my relationship, given that my relationships with guys and taking things slow wasn’t work- back control. And if I have the opportunity to take control
schedule was pretty much the same, I was in no position to en- ing out for him. “If you don’t think you’re the best version of of anything in this crazy, crazy world we’re in I’m going to
ter a new one. But the sex. Did I mention I really missed sex? yourself, you’re not going to be able to go into a relationship jump at it.
The obvious solution to my problem was to download Tin- that is healthy for you.” A couple weeks ago I was spending a Saturday evening in
der and get swiping. But Tinder almost seemed like a relation- McKelvie says that with living in the Village as a gay man, a tub (post-sex baths are part of our ritual) with my sexual
ship in itself—swiping and coming up with witty one-liners it hasn’t been hard to find partners for safe, consensual and partner. “Riot Van” by Arctic Monkeys was playing. It sounds
to send people consumes time. Plus, I wasn’t into hooking up casual sex. And the scheduled, methodical nature of the dick cliché, but it was so nice. I had a tough week but being in tub
with a string of strangers. appointment has helped him figure things out safely and com- with a boy who wanted to be there with me and was equally
I must have been putting out pretty strong “I want to have fortably. He says he always schedules his “appointments” a happy about it was so, so nice. We were safe, we were com-
sex” vibes because a couple weeks after my breakup, a friend week out so he can “think on it.” fortable, we were happy. We scheduled this for ourselves.
and I hooked up after a party. It was everything I needed—fun, “It’s kind of comical in a way, when you think about it like *Names have been changed to protect anonymity
consensual, satisfying.

Being in control of the
“ situation boosts her self-
confidence, which she says
makes the sex better

We were both in similar positions, having gotten out of
long term relationships. And we were both young, busy pro-
fessionals with no time for a full-blown relationship. One af-
ternoon, during what was going to be long days at work for
the both of us, he told me to stop by later that night. A dick
appointment had been scheduled.
Let’s clarify the term “dick appointment.” It isn’t just anoth-
er word for “booty call.” Booty calls are spontaneous, but dick
appointments are literally appointments. Some people pencil
them into their planners or Google Calendar. Some people

LOVE, SEX & PLAY 14 FEBRUARY 14, 2018
HOW NOT TO SET UP YOUR SEX BY THE
ONLINE DATING PROFILE
BY CAMILA KUKULSKI NUMBERS
Dating is difficult. Whether you find someone in-person or Don’t post photos of someone else’s kids. We had to ask! Below are the highlights from our annual Love
online, it’s hard to not only find someone you connect with, Are the parents super stoked that a photo of you and their & Sex survey, where we got 152 Rye students to tell us all their
but it’s also hard to have them connect with you. Dating on- baby will help you get laid with strangers you meet on the in- deep, dark, sexy secrets and publish them (anonymously and
line is particularly tough because you can’t gauge a person’s ternet? It’s creepy, take it down. in aggregate data of course).
reaction to your go-to “two guys walk into a bar” joke when Don’t post shirtless photos.
you can’t see their face. So how can you make sure your profile You may spend hundreds of hours in the gym to look like a
isn’t screenshotted and shared on stranger’s group chats with marble sculpture of a Greek God, or you may not. Either way,
emojis that cry of laughter as the description? Just don’t do it’s good to be proud of your body, but it’s better to be pleas- 59% oftoysrespondents masturbate, either using hands or
and other aids
some simple stuff. antly surprised in-person than to know you spent an hour and
Don’t post a photo of your arms around someone that a half flexing your muscles in your parent’s bathroom mirror
you might be dating, or might have dated. just to get the best angle. 64% of respondents consider themselves kinky
You might look super cute in that photo of you where you’re Don’t post photoshopped photos.
shirtless on a beach with your second cousin twice removed, If your profile shows a photo of your face on the body of a
and they’re family so to you it’s not weird, but unless you’re centaur but in person you cannot gallop on your four hoofed 65% of respondents are into role play
clearly looking for a third person to spice things up, you’re legs, your date will be thoroughly disappointed. They matched
sending the wrong message. you because your profile photo was what they were looking
Don’t write about your dislikes or pet peeves. for, but you clearly can’t be ridden into battle so you’re just Are you into bondage or tying yourself/your
You might have a very understandable reason never to date another let down. partner up?
someone who wears fingerless gloves, and that’s okay. But if “I look better in person”
you write it in your bio even people who wear full fingered Do you? Do you really?
gloves will see you as negative and annoying. Just don’t do it. Don’t provide only photos of you in groups. 18% said no
Typos I shouldn’t have to conduct a detailed analysis of your profile

35%
It doesn’t matter how good you are at writing, every device on photos, complete with scatter graphs and a venn diagram just
said yes
earth that you would be using to type out your bio has auto- to be able to figure out which person is you in your own dat-
correct. Use. It. This includes writing letters instead of words. ing profile.
Its nice that U think I M A QT, but this isn’t 2003. Real words
are sexy.
“I’m a nice guy” or “Nice guys finish last”
You write that, you’re very unlikely to finish at all.
46% said only if they’re “in the
mood”
Don’t mention your height. “I never use dating apps, and don’t really know how this
Unless you want your next date to come armed with a mea- works.”
Would you rather get a lapdance from The
suring tape to make sure you’re not a liar, then don’t write it. Really? If I can see your photos and read this in your bio then
If that’s what you’re into however, all the power to you, tape you clearly use dating apps and know how they generally Eyeopener or The Ryersonian?
measures on first dates can be sexy. work. It’s not that complicated. Swipe left.

20%

TOP SEX
Lovense’s “Max”
The ‘Sonian
Lovense tried to out do their counterparts with a special stro-
ker, and boy, did they do just that. This item is similar to a Flesh- 80%
light, but it also has the ability to get hot and enhance pleasure
The Eye

TOYS
for the average male. This item also has an application, which
further enhances its value. Retail price - $199 excluding tax.
Lovense’s “Lush”
The female version of the “Max” the “Lush” is known for its
strong suction power. Shaped like a hook, this toy can provide When asked which faculty at Ryerson is most
pleasure from the inside and outside. It’s hook-like shape gives fuckable, the most popular response was
If you’re into the typical dildo or vibrator, this isn’t the list for it a full range of motion, giving the carrier multiple options
you. For this year’s Love, Sex & Play issue, we decided to kick during their time of self-stimulation. Retail price - $119 exclud-
it up a notch and give you 10 of the most interesting sex toys ing tax. Faculty of
in the market. Doc Johnson’s “Great American Bombshell”
Stud 100 Nothing says BIG BOMB like a GREAT AMERICAN Communication and
We had to put one of the most popular items on this list, BOMB. This super long (and wide) dildo is built well enough Design
because why not? Arguably the best desensitizing spray in the to take heavy action. It also comes with a suction cup and the
market, the Stud 100 is known for its ability to help the aver- company also provides vacuum-like cups that are sold sepa-
age male last for an extra 30-45 minutes. Two or three sprays rately. Retail price - ranges from $40-50 with tax. Ready for a hot tip? We asked where the best place to
and you should be on your way. Retail price - $25 excluding tax SexFlesh’s “Sarah’s Sexy Mouth” secretly bang on campus is
The Toki-Doki Most people care solely about performance when it comes
Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes. Some people like to toys. However, the appearance of an item can definitely Here are our favourite and shockingly detailed responses.
them small, some like them large and others like them shaped play a part in a customer’s experience. SexFlesh decided to (Our apologies if you frequent these places for your sexual
like a unicorn. This special wand can be utilized in a bevy of make a stroker based on appearance, and let’s just say, they got endavours and can no longer use them).
ways, making it well-worth the hefty price tag if you’re into some mixed reviews. The long-necked toy comes with a “sexy
having everything covered. Retail price - ranges from $15-180 mouth” and a load of hard and stiff plastic teeth. It isn’t pretty, “The library. Book one of those study rooms
excluding tax. let alone “sexy.” Retail price - $20-45 excluding tax. with no windows. Just be quiet while you do
The Big-Rack Stroker We-Vibe’s “Sync” it though, those walls are paper thin.”
This item is made up of two parts; a pair of breasts and a Similar to the Stag 100 in terms of normality, the “Sync” is
vagina. When this item was made, it’s almost as if someone known for being one of the more versatile items in the mar- “Any hallway at 3 a.m.”
said, “Let’s take the two most sexualized parts of a woman’s ket. It’s a simulator that provides pleasure for both men and
body and put them together.” Unfortunately, it looks like their women. The toy also has an application that allows it to con- “A distant stairwell in Kerr Hall”
idea went wrong, as the item basically looks like a giant sex fly. nect to someone in a long-distance relationship. To top it off,
Retail price - $40-75 with tax. it plays music. What more can be said? Retail price - ranges from “Anywhere the security ain’t”
The 17-inch Dick Rambone Cock $160-220 excluding tax.
Sometimes, a regular-sized dildo isn’t enough. This large The Drill-do “The Quad”
and thick toy isn’t for the faint of heart, as it’s heavy duty build This item looks exactly how it sounds like. It’s literally a
makes it particularly difficult to handle and utilize. But, for dildo that comes with an add-on drill. It also comes with a pair “Have some restraint, you animals.”
reasons unknown, people tend to buy this product. Size is im- of gloves, safety goggles and a vest. Yeah, you could say that
portant, people. Retail price - $40 with tax. this toy really gets the job done. Retail price - $30-190 with tax.

FEBRUARY 14, 2018 15 LOVE, SEX & PLAY
16 Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018

Sexy resources at Rye
For this year’s love and sex issue, we want to make sure that
you’ll always have someone to lean on in times of need. Here are
some helpful resources that can point you in the right direction:

If you want to talk about your If you want to get tested or If you want to talk about your If you think you’re being If you identify as a woman or
sex life, you can go here: talk about STI prevention, or mental health, you can go here: discriminated against, you can trans person, you can go here:
Ryerson Health Promotion pregnancy you can go here: Centre for Student Development & go here: Centre for Women and Trans
350 Victoria Street Ryerson Medical Centre Counselling Office of Equity, Diversity and People
POD 256C 350 Victoria Street 350 Victoria Street Inclusion 55 Gould Street
Open Monday to Friday from 10 181 Kerr Hall West JOR 07C (Jorgenson Hall) 350 Victoria Street Ryerson Student Centre, room 210
a.m. to 4 p.m. Open Monday to Friday from 9 Open Monday to Friday from 9 Jorgenson Hall, room 1112 Email: womenandtrans@rsuonline.ca
Phone: 416-979-5000 ext. 4295 a.m. to 5 p.m. a.m. to 4:45 p.m. Phone: 416-979-5000 ext. #3243 Website: www.ryecwtp.ca
Email: healthpromotion@ryerson.ca Phone: 416-979-5070 Phone: 416-979-5195 Email: equity@ryerson.ca Phone: 416-979-5255 ext. #2350

Continuing O ve r 1 5 0
courses in

Studies at 3D Modelling

OCAD
Animation
C r e a t i ve B u s i n e s s

UNIVERSITY
D ra w i n g a n d P a i n t i n g
F i b r e a n d Fa s h i o n
Film and Video
G ra p h i c D e s i g n
Industrial Design
I n t e ra c t i ve M e d i a
M a r ke t i n g
P h o t o g ra p h y
Printmaking and Sculpture
Theory in Art and Design
UI and UX Design
Visual Analytics
We a ra b l e M e d i a
We b D e s i g n
Courses for Seniors
a n d Yo u t h

E x p l o r e Yo u r C r e a t i v e P o t e n t i a l
A r t . D e s i g n . N ew M e d i a CONTINUING
STUDIES

E ve n i n g s . We e ke n d s . O n l i n e
C o u r s e i n f o a n d r e g i s t r a t i o n : o c a d u . c a /c o n t i n u i n g s t u d i e s

Ryerson_Sept2016_QuarterPage.indd 1 8/23/17 3:27 PM
Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018 LOVE AND FUN 17

Treat bae with these romantic gift ideas
Why not spend your whole paycheque on bae?

If you’ve got a bae, spend money on them. PHOTO: SAMANTHA MOYA

By Lyba Mansoor This one’s particularly good
for the hopeless romantics. It’s
Valentine’s Day is right around ideal if you dig the plots yourself,
the corner and putting together preferably in the backyard of the
the perfect romantic day can be home you may or may not share
a struggle. Agonizing over the with your lover. If you don’t
details, like where to eat or what share a home together yet, maybe
kind of chocolate your significant try the backyard of your dream
other would like can turn this home (wishful thinking, right?).
otherwise sweet day a little sour. In Grave plots may not sound sexy,
the hopes of helping to ease some but at the end of the day, nothing
of the difficulty that comes with is quite as loving as telling your
planning the perfect Valentine’s partner “I want our bodies to decay
Day, we’ve put together a list of in holes in the ground close to
romantic gifts to bestow upon one another.”
your partner that will leave them 4. A stick of butter
thinking “holy fucking shit,” the There’s a million reasons why
moment they open them. a stick of butter is probably the
1. Gym socks best thing your partner could
When it comes to gift giving receive, but I’ll leave you with one:
you can never really go wrong with edible lubricant.
socks. After all, everybody needs 5. A vial of your own blood
a pair. To spice up this traditional Valentine’s Day gifts are
gift for Valentine’s Day, try giving supposed to come from the heart,
your partner gym socks that you’ve and this gift does that. Literally. A
worn at least twice. Your lover can vial of blood, varying in size based
slip these steamy beauties on when on how adventurous you’re feeling
they’re missing you, reminding that day, goes a long way when it
them that you’re always happy to comes to expressing your love. It’s
run on over. The strong scent and giving a part of yourself to your
texture of well-worn gym socks significant other, and will show
is sure to act as an aphrodisiac, them you’re willing to put your
an ideal way to set the mood on blood, sweat and tears into your
Valentine’s Day. relationship.
2. A tattoo of your current lover’s 6. A canister of nuclear waste
ex-lover’s face Whoever called it “waste” was
V-Day is all about big romantic seriously disturbed. There’s not
gestures, and what says “ultimate much that could top a canister
romantic gesture” better than an of this nuclear goodness. This
everlasting tattoo? Sure, getting gift is a guaranteed crowd
your significant other’s name or pleaser. Even though getting
birthday tattooed on your body your hands on some may
is cute, but if you’re looking to be difficult, if your partner is
really wow them this year, try truly worth going the extra
getting a tattoo of their ex-lover’s mile for, you’ll make it work.
face on some part of your own It’s unique, thoughtful and
body. The tattoo will not only a little bit dangerous, just
serve as a constant reminder to like you!
your partner of how much their We hope this list of gifts helps
taste has improved, but will show ease some of your struggles on
them you’re secure enough about Valentine’s Day. Remember, being
your relationship to permanently a loving and nurturing partner
make their past a part of you. all year round doesn’t mean shit
3. Grave plots dug next to if you can’t deliver gift-wise
one another on V-Day.
18 Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018

Sex and
Satisfaction.
We happen to carry both.

@lovecraft_ltd lovecraft.ca
19 Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018

MONday
Meatless
Monday
$7.99
Craft Pints
$5
STUDENT
DEBT
TUESday
SPECIALS
BBQ SHORT
RIBS
$8.99
TALL CANS
$5

FRIday
WEDNESday
FISH AND
WING
CHIPS
NIGHT $8.99
$8.99 ThurSday DOMESTIC
WHISKEY BOTTLE
$4 RAM AND
$5
VEGAN CURRY
$8.99
BAR RAIL
$4

RYERSONSTUDENTCENTRE.CA /RamInTheRye @RamInTheRye @RamInTheRye
20 Wednesday, Feb. 14, 2018

DINING AND ENTERTAINMENT

EATERIES SHOPPING SPECIALTY
Baskin Robbins Starbucks Adidas Freedom Mobile
Blaze Pizza Subway DAVIDsTEA Gadget City
California Thai Tim Hortons LIDS Goodlife Fitness
Caribbean Queen Zeytouna Shoppers Drug Mart Mobile Klinik
Chipotle WINNERS Rogers
Curry & Co. The Beer Store
Harvey’s Express
MII Sandwich Wine Rack
Opa! Souvlaki
FREE WIFI
Real Fruit IN THE FOOD COURT
Bubble Tea
Salad Days

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