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This is a well structured and fluently written essay with a clear argument, well done.

The examples are
appropriate and the evidence and quotations you have chosen highlight your argument well. Excellent
set of readings.
You could do more to say specifically why Bosnia, Rwanda and Armenia are cases of genocide at the
start of the essay ? perhaps compare them against the UN Convention. You say they are all cases of
genocide, but are they all exactly the same? Are there any differences between them that are of
importance when considering outsiders' failure to prevent/end them?
To push your argument further, think about the reasons why major international actors fail the victims
of genocide: you give a few reasons, such as political and economic interests, reputation, the desire to
avoid costly and indeterminate conflicts, UN bureaucratic inertia and so on. Could you systematise
these at all? Are the reasons the same in each case, such that you can make a general claim, or does
it vary case by case?
In the bibliography, make sure you give the publisher of books.

Dear Student,

You have a clever argument. Importantly, you build in very plausible objections to your
claims and then seek to respond to those objections. Your three points of criticism build
very well on each other, and you end with a satisfying resolution. As noted throughout,
the biggest weakness of the paper is the occasional lack of clarity. I suspect that a lot of
this has to do with the difficulties of writing in a second language. I encourage you to
avail yourself of the writing center. Also, as noted, your opening needs to be more clear.
Don’t worry about giving away your main point upfront – in philosophy that’s a good
thing. Finally, it’s significant that you overlook Sen’s comments on comparing in the
absence of an ideal standard.

Dear student

I’m impressed with your ability to write concisely. Not only did you fulfill the assignment, you
also wrote a long-ish intro and answered questions that went beyond the prompt. Doing so
within the word limit and doing it well deserves recognition. One result is that outside of the
opening paragraph the entire essay is focused exclusively on the arguments –there’s no excess
fat in this essay. Given the nature of the assignment, that’s great. As noted throughout, however,
some of your specific arguments need developed –your paper would’ve been better served had
you eliminated one of the arguments in order to better develop the others along the lines
mentioned in my comments above. Overall, it’s clear that you understand each of the
philosophers you address and you present interesting ideas.

Dear Student

As noted above, you do well “synthesizing”several insights from multiple studies as you
make different points, rather than flatly summarizing one study at a time. I’ve tried to
make clear in my comments the things that I think you can do to strengthen this paper
and your writing in general. Specifically, I want to emphasize the following:

I’m confident in your ability to improve. Your conclusion here is a bookend. Some of the different sections and points you’re making in the paper are clearly flagged for the reader with transition words.1. If all of the authors you cite were locked in a room would they all agree on the question you’re exploring? Help your reader to understand the tensions. James . along with the frequently awkward phrasing of the paper makes it read like a first draft. a critical part of your argument is exploring a counterargument. you want your conclusion to be in the service of your argument. Your paper is almost exclusively a report of various points of consensus among the authors you cite. A clear and specific thesis sentence stated up top will help you to organize and tie together the various parts of your paper. 3. The host of punctuation and grammar errors. This is not just true when attempting to make your own argument. however. It should both summarize and highlight the most important points you’ve tried to establish in the body of your paper and state how these points support your thesis. however. More than just a bookend. This is closely related to my comment on argument. Again. that the paper is not just a list of points. As discussed in the assignment. Either in making specific claims to support your thesis or after articulating your argument. This does not meet the specifications of the assignment. Counterargument. Transition language needs to be accompanied by explicitly tying together or explaining the relationship between the different sections of the paper. 4. Proofreading. The conclusion section should also help to do the same thing. but is also an important element of explicating the academic dialogue for your reader. This is very distracting and inhibits your ability to keep the attention of the reader or convince the reader of your point. Doing so is an important way to highlight your overall argument and make the paper cohere. bringing up the same (or at least a similar) point as the one you began with concerning the different kinds of attraction that exist. Remember. contradictions and questions –your reader ought to side with your own claims. contradictions and questions that are left in the wake of their studies. Then argue for why –given these tensions. This is critical. Structure. weaving together a number of overlapping ideas. consider countervailing evidence or interpretive frameworks or objections to your reasons and conclusions. Doing so will strengthen your case. the paper shows a good grasp of some of the basic points made in the literature. What’s needed is to utilize this ability –the ability to extract important and overlapping ideas from the literature –in the service of your own independent argument. At any given point in the paper it should not only be clear to the reader what you’re saying but also why you’re saying it. however. At each stage. ask yourself –how does this support my argument? Is this fact clear to my reader? 2. Argument.