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April 2014. Copyright INC.
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at literally any time in human history who ever rubbed one out: you are the real heroes. wherever you may b—ah! You were behind me! What the fuck? . To anyone. anywhere. To my darling Jessica.






















































Think about it. Children. We'll slip out back. . don't they?” —come on come on come on— Jonny. We can get away. “…other people just ruin everything. Too late. We can beat her.


Suze.Ohhhhh man. Think we really fucked up here. Y’think? .

So the girl It was his
who punched second week
Jon's V-Card was at college She smelled
a stage combat and — like cocoa
major named Cara, butter!
with a C, rhyming — y’know
with air and what, he should
not are. tell it.

Cara had a roommate who
was having a hard time being
It wasn't Cara's room. 45 minutes away from home
for the first time.

So Heather, a friend of
Cara's, let us use her
room instead.

Just a little
music for
you guys.

Slogging up a
sad wet beach
Looking for
the towel
Where I think I
left my keys
This is the little
lakeside town
Where dreams get
sunburn and drown

Everything is awful!
Everything is awful!
Oh, fuck, Everything is
is that awfully awful

And if we got out
of bed we might
never come back.
It wasn't our room,
right? We couldn’t
tell where the music
was coming from. So we just
kept going.

It's like England
It's like England
every day
Awful — just awful
Everything just
completely awful.

And that’s how I lost my
virginity to the shimmering,
dulcet tones of England’s
own Esteban.

I manage
I know, to get her So it's
Oh god — right? So bad. bra off, to go time.
So bad. undo the —
y'know —

— the
thing —

— which
was about
the extent of
So — so, okay.
Esteban crooning
away like a dying

She shoves.
Right, so. I love
I pushed. And then —
So she, y'know. She
grabs me and pulls
me forward.

it —

This is just the worst
place in the world
And you're here all by

Except for me
I’m here
And it's awful

So that was that.
We were fuckin'.

Well… I
didn't. Uh, the
first time. I
...and? didnnnn't…

Didn't Uh. stopped, so I
what? figured that was
Have, punishment
uh. An enough for
orgasm. everyone.

How did
you know when
to stop?

But the second
time you —


Aw, baby.

Yeah. The second
time was just as…


Oh, shit, yeah,
So the… that third time,
the third time, forget about it.

third time I
shot so hard I
blacked out for
a second.

god. George — Jiya. All it meant was something was wrong with me. Betty-never-Beth. with the weird killed me. Kara-with-a-K. And. Annnnnnd Liz. who had to — WHOA — change her name. did that suck even more. who almost Amanda. Brenda. and never Cara-with-a-C. periods. It was always wrong with me. Jen. .. or..

anything... so… up Friday night - Saturday morning how to stop. I’m not gay as a going in fact. dude. It's alllllll my fault oh-oh-ohhhh-oh It didn't matter. and then it was …I gotta go to Sunday night . I got so bad there And … and what? I was for a while I’d have tried looking. Wow. Guy named Uh — you know any Yeah.. George? girls named — well. For people like — you just fuck dudes? me. I just — — well. You slept with a guy. way out of hand. — yeah. once.we didn't know Hey. Wow.. ahh — how did — which of you — It was like a wild rumpus that got way.Monday work in a few morning and… hours. Like us. When I was done… I was still alone. We hooked . this wasn't her. . I did — concern. this was a guy named George. He was in my movement class and… What was it like? Who. Well. no.

thirteen. look. God. thank you? I’ve looked for you every day of my life. ever.. I’m worried that if I don't go home tonight I am never. . It's shit… late.. uh — Is that …sorry. weird? the time just — What if you stay? — No. Why don't you. whatever it was and… …Suzie. going to go home again. I — — sorry — Uhh… no? I mean — — no Um. I know. fuck. since I was. Or. Oh… Well. what.

Oy. fuck this. It was — do you text? Do you have a phone? Ugh. okay. Ahh. . fuck. — it was a hell of a first date. Can I — do you — It had been 55 sure. hours. no. Yeah. zzrb All right.

. sir. Okay. 'Scuse me boss… Fuck you and fuck this bank.

who cares if — — wait. Ssssigh. I don't Right? even know — I mean Just the why I — worst. He can get to the Quiet. Come on. This is the worst. right? waiting. he doesn’t call. that's bullshit. The so what. He calls. He has to -- zzrb — Aaah! — .

Aww. gentle jesus. not again — .

I don't know. why stolen hundreds mean. Jonny y'know — this boy.. Mm. That’s gotta be like. First name I suppose Hey. y’know? And you didn't make me feel dirty or weird or wrong… Shit. thought — y’know. — oh. place. you can close the deal. I told you almost everything. WHOA — seventeen pornos at these prices. must have woods. what a and… customer gentleman. basis? Really? I just feel like. Video booths? We can watch pornos here? Aren't you a librarian or something…? . This isn't what if this keeps I thought you going well. I Jesus. didn't I ever of thousands steal anything of dollars of good…? porn from this place over the years. You right. it's a part I was a of all that stuff valued My. for many years. I walked out The stuff I with tons of shit didn't bury from here for I literally in the years.. I must I brought But yeah. and meant. have stolen… it all back. Well. …I told you a lot of stuff over the weekend and. Later. Boy.

I want to “close” your “deal. Yeah. you’re Hard-on DIRECTED BY Fink I assume JOEL AND ETHAN BOEN you’ll fuck me in spades. Yes. Undo expensive — your belt. Like — just take it It’s got your home.” HARD-ON FINK STARRING We all love a JOHNNY SPURTURRO Hard-On Fink And the fucking but since ass. this thing is Whoa. Jesus c'mon. Y’know? C'mon. boner queen in it and it won at the Cans Film Festival in 1991. Shoot upon me! Show me the life of the miiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii . I never really Oh got the point of Joooooonnnnnn… these.

. This is great. Alone together. found What do We're not each other. sadness and weird shit y'know. Me and this guy. —think We about it. I mean. There we were. there he was. — Suddenly. It’s like I feel like I can cutting out the do anything. This fucking guy. We. anythi— Right? Please Like butt don't run away stuff? screaming but— Two lives full of sex and He was right. and then suddenly — The two of us. middleman. you mean? alone We can do anymore. and distance.

for the Fat original comic bottomed girls you AHHHHHHH! Legally. or are you gonna stare at balls all night? All right. It's so they're just gonna knock messed it down and try to sell it up.. roooound fire liiiiight I was just a It was skinny lad okay. but sucks. boy right? out of meeeee . OH SHIT! So we gonna do this. basically.. it’s a library.down that but justthe couldn't get it beside that red make rockin' world was an issue. worked go out in time. to go into the space. And. I mean. though: Left alone we Neverdid this knewgag nowith good Butwith bigcollection for the fat Fanny we the little post-it from badnotes wanted and the scene still Shetowas try again such ato But I knew get the lyrics because. "Fat Bottomed Girls" Heap big woman! is kind of the greatest Youofmade song a bad all before naughty nanny I left my nursery hey. played okay. that if there was a tenant waiting place fucking It's the bank. They're foreclosing on a library. all right… IT’S MY JAM! ARRRRRE So you heregonna Suzie starts take WeAARRRRRRE tried to get theyou singing me home“Fat tonight? Bottomed gonna rights to letuse it all thehang lyricsout Girls” by Queen. as a lot. maybe I’d at least understand Yeah. like. though.

But their Anyway. we clearly either Ohhhhh down couldn't afford the beside lyric your red firelight.every ladies tiiiiiiime — “Fat Bottomed Girls” In case you were was when I knew I wondering. usage. That was been singing You don't with mytoband need AcrossWe answer. Ohhhhh won't you But ifme take you're homereading tonight? this. kindthere again. thebeauty day we and their uploaded the style book we Went heard. it We've almost bottomed or theiralllawyers you gotjust girls you make harassed poor Fat bottomed couldn't girls you move fast the rockin' Brian May world at make enough. while Take me to So we them lardy tried. you anyway. this I’ve seen and is a book every youblue are eyed a floozy person on the and that's Hey! not how waaaay it works. or they weren't Fat Ohhhhh and you made available togive us. across hear the land. I've rhetorical. thecouldn't water.the rockin' world gopoint. this round! go round . of smooth might after a be a chance. babe — loved you.

on homes huh? I tell Ah. Oh.bones the in thisfun. been locality here! so. this — y’know. Ohhhhhh I know! You’re gonna I feel bad for take me home recycling tonight them. but I I always still get my wanted to pleasure Still shoot got a real my greatest musical number treasure back Hey whenbig I made woman videos — and stuff. Those You captions done were themade same a big man in the comic. beauty queens ever. Hey listen mortgages Mercury. . but. ya well. out of me! They're still Now get true. Now I got Freddie I got Ain't no Best pipesin stiffness It would’ve Anyway.

. adown Only little. Oh. that red firelight Pleeease! Arrrrrre I'm not you gonnasleep losing let it all hang about it. here’s a weird idea.. out Fat bottomed I just you girls don'tmake theyou want rockin' to feelworld rippedgooff. Ibeside mean. ." Wow. right? So. round FAT BOTTOMED Why don't GIRLS YOU they make MAKE THE musicals ROCKIN’ anymore? WORLD GO ROUND! I GET ON bet the YOUR answerBIKES is AND RIDE! "Lawyers. Freddie Fuckin’ I know. Mercury.

. This isn’t even a drop in their bucket... it’s I — I’m thinking about your library. are you not butt into — stuff. Suzie. Fuck the bank.took. no. the thing we do...” “Took?” The bank... the.. right? .the And I’m thinking money you about you and me need? and Cumworld. You guys are paid off Pretty sure the and we. Where From the bank and would we — then your library — You just give it right back.. stuff. Is it butt What? Why. What if we and your books and just. The store or — -. .. the Quiet. But we just take what you need. bank is the victim in that scenario... “The Quiet. What’s the worst that can happen? .. stuff? No. Cum — They spend the library’s How the hell mortgage every month on do you rob a cookies in the lobby bank? We do it in people don’t eat.we just pretty much committed a victimless crime. .

what? See? Don't It's a — Hit him. "hit him. Here. Take it. And my world HURTS.. Uh. Don't shoot? We surrender? Don't worry — it's not a real gun. Wait. ." I— You two are in my world now..


I'm And I will seriously. … is in order for Many people you both. just fucking break your don’t hit me again. man. I suppose but you… some sort of … …you're the first two who have ever worked together. . I suppose you think you're very clever. man… jaw. with you. I swear to God… But No. fucking me again. You hit Um. like us have of …“kudo”… course chosen to break the law.

that. . Holy shit. I don’t— Um. Ahh. But I think I— this guy's a bus driver! THESE GUYS AREN'T REAL COPS! . What am I doing? Shut up.. What kind of police get I have a to carry… question... A suspicion. What am I Don’t fucking doing? speak to them.. It’s a hunch.

and we do something good with this…thing of ours. The bank writes it off. it looks Hey. recessions. like a dick. sort of. Yes. y'know. Wrong. by making everybody else close. GGwwwaaAAHHHH The bank And yes. the I was You look manages to not law is the law. and give it Suze. And yes. it out. the library open. But the stays open right-wrong. It's less than one thousandth of a percent of their annual We budget on steal from fucking the bank lobby pens. . Most of all it's. It sounds dangerous and it sounds dumb. listening. It's wrong. lose money in we are choosing sort of. The bank to break it. though? To keep a library open? So yes. It sounds dumb. right back to them. check like a dick. fuck that place. debt. I say let's break the That they are choosing to law to absolve the library's We could keep foreclose on? Suzanne. To what end. Oh come on. We could do something. And wrong. the library stays open.

We started simple.

Well well
We meet

I have. It’s nice.
Y’know, I’ve never
had sex outside. On a nice

Except for,
like, peeing in the
woods when I was a kid,
I don't know if the It’s nice.
sun's ever even hit
my junk.

When it's not
nice there can Ew.
be bugs. ...

I don't even know
Yeah. how we get started.
Do we just get


Ugh, God, it
even smells like
lube in here.

But if
nothing's moving,
how does scent
move through
Actually, have you the air?
ever thought about that?
How does smell work
when time is stuck? Like,
it's particulates, right?

What do we
do? How do we
get started? —Shove!

Y'know, why
don't we just—

I'm sorry, did Okay, I got it.
you just… Well, yeah, We can't
y'know, I guess I just mess the
place up and run Help me pick
…say "shove" as was feeling…
around. That's up that shelf.
you shoved that
shelf? just vandalism.

We're not What, your
We got gonna do this bank has boxes
to work. Stuff in a porn store at the bank, and boxes of fake
smells weird and is right? dongsdropping the
heavy. Surprisingly so. dongs DROPPING

Clocks don’t work in this was a
The Quiet but it felt stupid idea.
like it took hours.


When I want to have sex again— Man, I hope
or really just want to orgasm this wears off …I’m so tired after
again—time slides back into place. soon, but… all of that the last thing
I want to do is have sex.
I want a shower
and a nap.
Jon says it's called the
"refractory period."

I wonder if it's something
different for girls.

So you wanna
try some butt

. we looked. Cumworld went insane. The outside world took no notice that And watched. Slower. Poggiolllli. Sylvia Then we planned. I should And listened. . Well. …let's go see. . we could find.. I'm gettin' tired. head out. And for a week. Literally four seconds later: Holy. though... wrong? Yeah. Susan Stamberg has the sexier voice.. Th'hell'll go But she has wrong? a name like an accountant..fuck. But how do we get out in case Syyyylllviaaaah something goes PoooggiollllIIIiii.

. We thought we were but we were wrong. We weren't. No we aren’t. crazy. I mean. Mm.. I just lied to her. little bird? Dungeons and Dipshits. cool? . it’s And you’re an orc. . Just like that I lied to my best friend. Look. I don't know. We are super cool. Oh.. cool? Uh-huh! You two.. You're Aaiiieee. it's one of Jon's uh—nerd What are things. Whaaaaat Later wolf you are Rach. you up to.

Because somehow she was already wise to us.. I imagine she —suddenly! has a family life.. A real life. —She comes right down with it like a hammer. I imagine. But then— She probably has mom shit to do.. It could Or you could get be like her into that whole Superman secret thing with her—is she KIDS! identity. or Mom pretending to be Kegelface? But when the shit comes down. Kegelface pretending to be Mom. ..

interconnected network of time-freezing sex police out to destroy people like us. They have to have a headquarters somewhere. A massive. right? Like they’re a secret paramilitary sex army keeping the world safe from deviants like us. their Bruce Willis. And she’s. With uniforms and codenames and stuff. . like.

. Tch. No. by any chance? Or more odd than usual. HEY DON'T DROP THAT BIG BUCKET OF— No. Tall Gaysian Amateurs videos totally you fucking dildo. Steve. lady. Meet me 9:30. and our —aww. moron. My kids There’s tonight at the won’t be asleep two of Denny’s. belong in the Chaps section. Taco Night. Excuse me. we always have our Nipple Pumps in the She-Plug aisle. It’s me. Has anything…odd… transpired here lately. until then and it’s them.

abuse THEM a ME little like you want to and fuck yes i punish them Mr.. like you want to punish them is it wrong to use … this thing of ours… for something like that? is it abuse? look not for anything but it's not the craziest Send ME thing in the world to think you i don't know you might want to seem super into this. Cumworld (ugh) want to punish them! this place ME sucks! is it wrong to use… this thing of ours… …have you for something like never used it for i don't know you other anything that? is it abuse? seem super into quiet? than being this. . Cumworld (ugh) not the craziest thing in the world …have you never to think you used it for anything might want to other than being abuse THEM a Messages Suzie with an I & an E Messages quiet? haven't you little ever DONE anything with this thing of and fuck yes i ours? want to punish them! this place sucks! …have you never used it for anything other than being quiet? haven't you ever DONE anything with this thing of ours? Send Well.. Messages Suzie with an I & an E Messages i don't know you seem super into this. haven't you ever Mr. Cumworld (ugh) something like Reply Send that? is it abuse? and fuck yes i want to punish them! this look not for place sucks! anything but it's Mr. Cumworld (ugh) DONE anything look not for anything like youwith wantthis to thing of but it's not the punish them ours? craziest thing in the world to think you is it wrong to use might want to abuse … this thing of THEM a little ours… for Mr.

Once. .

I didn’t know what I liked or wanted. And we all knew Rach knew. in college. But Rach knew. and looked tan all year round. And then— Whoa. He smelled like a So of course Rach men’s magazine hooked up with him. SUZIE VS GEOFF Geoff was some kind of high school somebody that got in on an athletic scholarship. Geoff. there was this boy. Rach. I had no idea what boys liked or wanted. are you okay? —are you crying? …and getting stoned? . So. what's— Honey. So Rach and Geoff had a very magical three weeks.

pointer for all I availed myself you kids out there. And one day. we had to call her Geoff said." the son of a bitch on the phone said to me. but kinda lost it. The drugs became a bit of a thing. . but school and life. Nobody ever said no to day I just I called the cops. of Rach's stash.. Geoff… he didn't miss a beat.” and did it anyway. mom and stuff… slut. without Rach they wouldn't do anything. "Sounds like somebody's girlfriend doesn't like being dumped. Rach dropped out. .. He was a star athlete She got better riding free through eventually. “Shut up. maybe don't get high down in it. Hey. If rubbing one out puts you into a state of frozen time.. She was so wrecked by then she didn't notice..She said no.

All that was left was to get back to my seat without falling on my ass… By my estimate this took a half-hour. out of the possession bust. . I googled him last year. Fuck you. I don't know. YO WHAT THE HELL—?!? They took the scholarship back His folks got him and kicked him out. He's got a boat and does some sort of competitive fishing bullshit. Weed shouldn't even work like that. Then all I had to do was sit ba zzz.

I hope we didn't get anybody fired. Cars don’t work in The Quiet. Every few And save the days we'd Do our thing. y'know. We always took a little from a lot of different places. So we just got to it. library a little go to bit more. Is pretty great. another branch. The place my dad died. But mostly have lots of sex. God. which. Jon worked. We never took that much. . All of it was leading towards The place where the big branch. We found out the hard way we sort of had to be close to the place we were going to…crime.

. he on your chest. I don't know who I need to talk But I think. uh.” Can you— Downtown Precinct. to. but I’m on my unarmed man more way out to fill form than three times. but… I think my roommate's new boyfriend has gotten her into having sex in public and now they’re planning to rob a bank? You don’t. And —then they then— go home or whatever.... —work security on how may I direct the weekends. get this. so shift change. If you— Hi there. french. . One moment please. Uh.. just won’t accept “fraud” Appletown the man— as his charge because it sounds “too Police Department. Here. say. Like being a porn star your call? but only allowed to use your fingers— —form R2F for —can’t shoot an theft. then… —don’t need the description of the shit the man took —so. M2M for the It’s just the rules— weekend. Where do the old guys go? So then— So then at four there's another Right.. I guess.

have a license authority? for that gun? Show us a badge or we run. I warned you. Suzie. It's not a gun. You On whose minimum. EEEEENOUGH! You two are both under arrest! What Trespassing Public charges? at the very Indecency. . What? It’s not— Boys.

Either way. Turns out some people really like being electrocuted during sex. the end result is the same: You get your shit rocked pretty goddamn hard. And let's get them out of here. boys. Wrap 'em up. . Turns out other people are just assholes that embed tasers in fleshlights.


. Jon.I'm not sure where I am right now..? Isn't it You're a obvious? prisoner of the Sex Police.. Jon. And I'm not sure what's happening. Wuh happneed. And I think I just peed myself.

You get caught Suzie. of committing like us have numerous to follow... children. crimes. laws..... and it’s bad for everyone.. —Come on— Suzie. ..fucking morons. Here's how I learned how to get out of sex handcuffs: . I know. But what are we gonna do with 'em? Leave everything to me.. Suhh. . I know these cuffs.. I— You were right. You were intercepted by There are And you Beyond us in the act rules people two.. Suzie.were screaming to get us all caught..

You jointed can touch it. Now who's the greasy fuck-pig? Jon was an actor..69— It's weird. right? It was all in the name of prep. but it's Double- much cooler.” Fuck you— “These police-grade bondage cuffs made from the most insatiable of cows and coldest of metals were first unleashed on the hippies and queers—” —Jesus— I know. It looked Touch-screen enough like cell phones. Fire the real thing.. I guess we thought if we were going to play bank robbers. Bzzt. the things that work in The Quiet while others don't. fingers and thumbs. James Bondage' Bondage Cuffs are guaranteed to be inescapable by even the greasiest of fuck-pigs.. Time for another visit from mister Colt . So we needed to rehearse. we should have the right props. We were acting. You lose. is still hot. . Vibrators.. “Your new ‘Bondage.

undressed rehearsal. It wasn't his way around. I'd gym-bag worth wrong. y'know. that sounds like I'm making A dress—an a pun. Ugh. on one thing. This fill one.. Sure. run in. thank-you-bank. I'm Because. much over. Like we were being watched. To save time we should maybe do it inside on the actual day.? There’s a big restroom. wait. A dry run. . gonna go check course.. he already knew the front We just door. into the safe. Jon worked . The drill was: we enter The Quiet. we were. Okay. head to the main tellers. back out of the safe. Hey. No. That part never set foot inside and wham-bam.. OH GOD— All of it was in anticipation of the big one. a sec.. hhh nhh Ugh.and out there. like.. and out the front door. I was pretty the place.. hop the counter. just that it was was for my benefit. lots of stalls. of Back in to feel haunted. It was that the whole thing was starting Cool.

Shit. THE FUCK? . WHAT Oh hey. in DON'T COME IN— I— What the fuck... Jon are you— I'm starting to get creeped —don't come out.

worry. “When I was “And. And I —I have therapy and social skills training and.. “Oppositional It's a thing. so—so Disorder. Nailed it. They a kid I was nailed it.” “Oppositional thing. I have what— —know ADHD and with what. you know what those words mean. tense— are you— I just— They medicated me.. Defiant It's a bingable Disorder. look. It’s cool. don't Are you— I'm fine. that's me. now. y'know. fuck it.” But. Ask Defiant Jeeves to bing Well. this other you're a smart thing— girl.” you up Okay. that's past like. “But with it can come a few other disorders. and— Let me tell you Okay? If I about this tell you asshole I about him work for. diagnosed as ADHD. It’s called “comorbidity. that. . WHAT THE FUCK: Like Bing it. I'm cool.” —I mean. you'll totally understand everything. okay? “medicated.

Hey, boss,
I'm gonna
take five,
grab a cup
of coffee.
The fuck's the
Sit down at
matter with you,
your fucking
taking a break.
We have
Want money to
anything? make.


I don't care
what the no Boss.





He hasn't
So instead
I started gotten rid of
of, like,
to quietly and the plant. Which —my boss uses the
smashing up
consistently drop is, like, the easy “Phantom Pooper” to
the guy's office
my daily deuce in solve, right? crack down even more
and losing
his potted plant. Not for him. In on his subordinates.
another job
Now, the amazing fact—
and all that—
thing is this:

He even offered
a reward. People
have narced one
another out, even
trying to get
folks they don't
like fired...

Jon. No.

Are you... on
your meds still?
Right now?

This guy. This fucking guy.

I had a girl and a job
Did I ever tell you and everything was
about why me and right on track.
Janet split up?

She was my
last serious
girlfriend bef—

—She was my
last serious The meds kept
girlfriend. The meds... everything on
an even keel.

Never mad. Never
sad. Never really Were—
happy. Never... what were—
...well, never
squirrelly. Oh, shit—

It was kind of
a problem.

But, look— I I didn't Little ways
went off my meds. feel anything. to vent pressure I work
It was that or no... So I went off before I get into out and
there was no joy in with a plan. the red. Like—like a meditate. And I
life. There was no A strategy. healthy sex life. find crapping
anger and I could in my boss's plant
focus on anything keeps me from
like a laser, but— screaming at—

Children. We know.

. What? We have You. You didn't think you were the only ones. clear? ...freezing that. reason to believe the You two of you don't know have been .. having time. did you? We're watching you.. and sex. Behave. pulling off a variety of petty crimes. .. And you were Wait how in the main branch of could you know Bankcorp not an hour ago that— rehearsing what appeared to be a robbery. Are we I.. uh..

I’m serious. Jon. She’s got She’s— kegelface! I think she's doing kegels! Like.. Suzie . where— Jon. How did— —who was— Jesus. I think she was in the bank with I think— us. .. like. she’s just gone and— Uh. right now! As we speak! What if she has some kind of crazy. super-muscular time-stopping vadge. and— —where’d she go? Wait.

. . Maybe It's hardly she's like us. how can they I'm concerned about catch us? you and I'm concerned about us. either way— concerned about it. inside. a cop.. I—Honey. is all. yes. Okay.” but Suzie. my food all tastes no. I'm sorry you had to see it. I—It's— granted. But it's that or. have sex.” and I'm not. but— It might have made me “normal. I cool... . Don’t. There's a She was reason— just some freak and we’re already tweaked out. before today. maybe “nothing.. It’s —if she was just— nothing.I was those pills talking made me about your dead medication. About me. about anything. You sound —I am. Suzie... about ol' Kegelface. It's so sure. I worry. What? I'm fine.. I am. we'd be arrested. It wasn't a problem Jon. like. is all. I the same and I don't have a few ever want to weird outlets.

What am I doing? Is this your home number. Good night. Are you and this fucking guy of yours Okay? planning to. Welllll shit. I would like to ask you to reassure me you know what the fuck you're doing. I. Suzanne. Seriously. I'm trying to speak to Shit shit shit shit Mrs.— shit shit shit what am I doing? —oh. Are you? Shit. rob a Fuck I do? this. hello.. Jesus— Suze. hi.. as your friend and someone who loves you very much. liquor store or a bank or something? Rach. Um. Um.? . 'Night. like.....

kiddos. It's unimportant. Jerry. I wanted to make sure you could reach me whenever you needed. Well. this point they've quote-unquote “actual broken no detectives” aren't laws -- necessary. Yes. I see. . not per se. My research into your friend suggests your hunch is correct and she's intending to break the law. Okay. I’m on the phone— Who’s Jerry? My associate. goddammit. no. Din-din. Thank you for your efforts. Jackson. We'll be in touch. Ms. But as this isn't a Because at criminal matter yet. That's unfortunate.

and vindictiveness.. Sorry. me? Ma’am? Can I help you? I'm working on a project Hm. There a little version of me was. .. oppositional symptoms defiant are now disorder. So I did what I do..” I'm sorry. and if thing and then a bigger it went well she might thing still. thing to do yet. looking for information in a world that seemed like it was You should designed to keep have heard the everything secret. I went home and I got to work. argumentative/defiant behavior. And I looked up It was a school project from my book and She had the biggest that became a bigger there I was.” She almost sang it... I Excuse was. grouped into three types: "angry/irritable mood. way she said “president.? and. "Four refinements have been made to the criteria for “First.. meet the president.

electrodes to prevent. Norville P Paul Nuncio Pat O Pizza Patricia Ofelia Poopin’ Jonny Patty Oscar Prince Paul Reply Oz Send Reply Send Reply Send P Pizza Pat Poopin’ Jonny Patricia Prince . This fucking place... ‘.certain batteries made This with limited purpose fucking utilize lithium-metal kid.’ This kid. Norville Nuncio O Ofelia Norville Oscar Nuncio Oz O P Ofelia Pat ME ME Oscar Patricia ME Contacts Contacts Contacts Okay... Oz Patty Jon.

Bobby. it's me. This is just a concerned cit— Yeah. I'd like to report a bank robbery.Yes. .

I'm gonna do it. So now then. .. Where were we? Oh right. What I don't understand is. What am I doing WHAT AM I DOING Wait— It's not even a real gun. what are two nice kids like you doing with a gun— We're being kidnapped by the Ku Fucks Klan..

took off.. —back! Ahh! Don’t point it at m— Jesus.. dildo-jam. . .. Apparently if you're a kidnapping —I know— sex fascist. it that. they were out of The Quiet. —Careful careful— This fucking guy and I. that's your This fucking guy. is that vibra— Give it— -mmm h ohhh Whoa. And just like Wow. The Are you —did gun-shaped that just sex toy saves happen— —I know— the day.

No. And so we ran. Like a couple of goddamn criminals. How did they know what I want to we were doing? learn more How did they about these know where to assholes. c'mon. . We ran as far and as fast as we could. Our worlds had just gotten bigger and smaller at the same time. we should be— Whoa whoa wait— No. So we ran. find us? We went from thinking we were They alone with this clearly know thing of ours and more about now there's us. and The Quiet than there's them? we do. Suze.


the stockholders.. a cock in here. had a few more dialogue options to use for the scene. Matt. accept this blow job as a symbol of our apology and respect. Yes." Okay. and all of butt getting sore Yes. please already. gave you mine.. BARTON RE-THINK In issue three. Barton Fink*. Here is what did not make the cut. them. would mean they do me a favor. And Okay. the I can feel my administration. Fink: Blow it and came on hard. sir. Yes. . . being a fan of its non-erotic spoof. You'll lick this You are "picture business. drippin'.On behalf of Crapitol Pictures. blow are your shoes. Okay. I hope these Jesus. Suzie & Jon partake in the viewing of an erotic film entitled HARD-ON FINK. believe me. Because that you'll hit one.

I name is Linda. My name’s Linda. is that a thing? place. gas station dendrobium. these slippery locks. where gender is a societal construct BURST out of your custom sssexy ladies grab you with their defined by each of us in our own leather bra. you— sssexy voices and make you minds and not by society's dump your stuff all over the darn precepts. I guess not. yes. You really want to (long pause) fight with your bank about it? CHIP: Hello? MATT: (Back on script) Oooh. CHIP: Your…your lady curtains are soaking through your . but my dorm CHIP: Shuh … show me your highlighters from the office room key won't fit in any of lady curtains? supply store and now Mr. of yours. they exist. me and demand to inspect my Hey there. in relation “pay. huge nipples ready to just Welcome to Night Moves. CHIP: …No. dark-skinned beauty Affirmative Action. CHIP: (Dialing number (multiple CHIP: I’m … pretty sure you’re a MATT: Oh no! It took sooo long beeps) while softly singing man. like. Go ahead. sensible Nursing School blouse MATT: Sure.” Do YOU want to "dock" these curtains not match the with my tri -- my wet little “pay?” carpet. Second. CHIP: A girl I used to date wore CHIP: H-hello?… MATT: Look. locked opportunities in the workplace MATT: That sounds like it would inside of a Nursing School in as lady-women like the "old" be incredibly sweaty and. My ulnar McKelvie wants to "dock" my MATT: MMM. Press 1 for sssexy Linda. not only do collateral ligament. excuse me? windows. shiny seriochemicals that drive your lady hairs and toss you onto the inner Asian elephant CHIP: Are you L-Linda? bed. I don't Winni—(Beep from a button Linda. first off. but already been charged for. I’ve Welcome to Night Moves. man. straight white up all night with a tummy full of men like me have just as many CHIP: I…yeah. a little *uptown* for a pressed) buttered and out of the oven? Winnipeggian at Nursing School. but there aren't even any CHIP: Um. It just— MATT: What's your NAME. I’m a MATT: Wait. This is it. yeah. Stand over MATT: (On script) Hiii Steve. And now thanks to Leather bras? an exotic. Then I'd tear open that CRAY-CRAY. Okay.STEAMING RADIO While promoting the first issue of SEX CRIMINALS. your credit card’s them. So I hike up my skirt CHIP: …Oooh. So: is your Dutch Baby know. Matt & Chip created an original radio erotic drama for the literary website. I’d love to and I'm just oozing with MATT: Yeah? just grab your beautiful. honey. that’s just CHIP: —And under it I see your AUTOMATED LADY VOICE: straight-up misandry. (MATT clears throat) CHIP: I don’t…I don’t want this. and lastly. my basement is tepid and all right. MATT: What's your name? five minutes. I’m pretty horny misplaced all those shiny new let me tell you. Not ALL the time. baby. Good. my lady-curtains. Yeah. been incredibly naughty. Hazlitt. soggy like a terrarium CHIP: …Steve? MATT: Okay. to button! “Tears in Heaven” to self) MATT: Ok. I guess. yeah. … Here goes abandoned in the event of … are you ready? (Clears throat) nuclear holocaust.

99 a your little Elia Kazan until he Like a $10 fat ballgame sausage. MATT: Mouth-whoopee or CHIP: A *Fan of Tango and Cash. CHIP: I feel so free. Your first five minutes are— VULGAR. sure. sure. yes. if you must be sorry. going to pull it out CHIP: Maybe I should just get off of my pants and…and maybe let MATT: And you’re a man with the phone and go experience you suck it with your…mouth…for your very own "turgid podcast"? some real.underparts. If you MATT: And have you ever tickled yummy yummy in my tummy. parabolic arcs of informative CHIP: I…can’t! Your voice! It’s white gravy? (Pause) just…just ruining the illusion. *enthusiastically greeted the mailman? CHIP (Into it): Yeah. Cthulhu with a dirk fashioned from the blackened tears of the MATT: We're all gay. share with you a festive CHIP: Oh. hand-gladdening? MATT: Have you ever *stabbed CHIP: I'm GAY. Chip. man's hand come in contact with CHIP: Yes! your Yellow Submarine. Linda. MATT: Because you know I’m a (BEEP) MATT: So you knowingly let a man. Chip.* me. or testifies before the HUAC in Man. CHIP: Do you mean…have I ever hand and manually manipulate it MATT: Mouth-whoopee or manipulated the stock market? to the point of orgasm? hand-gladdening? MATT: Yes. hand-gladdening? It’s…kind of why I’m calling you. minute. Discount underpants. just…just falling apart. (Long pause) MATT: Okay cool.* MATT: Yep. genuine man touch— a bit? CHIP: Yes. Even if it's only for seven or mouth-whoopee on them or to eight times a day. it's even bigger than mine.. which are like…like t-shirt cannon arming my lower paper towels after you spill your ramparts. Are you a *digital (Long pause) CHIP: I — what? downloader*. that’s…that’s bishop after Sunday services*? MATT: —take a penis in your pretty good. uh. CHIP: Yes? CHIP: I’m. that. Even MATT: Your man-danglings— would you like me to ancient elders.. so—so do you CHIP: So liberated. MATT: You—a man—frequently beer. quality. MATT: What are you going to do define your gender as "male"? with your dick? MATT: Sure. MATT: A man…with a white-hot CHIP: What? . AUTOMATED LADY VOICE: Your MATT: (Chewing food) Mmm. CHIP: I don't know if seven or MATT: My student loans are MATT: Well. I beat off like an angry chimp at the porno zoo. I’m CHIP: Well. MATT: That's great. wish to continue at $3. CHIP: Oh my god. have you ever… CHIP: How did you know I was a doubloons of ecstasy. first five minutes are up. but now they're dissolving in my hands. I'm going to eight times a day qualifies as fucking brutal! So I buy them in ask you something. Low masturbate men. please press 1. CHIP: I don't know what you’re. a now free to go inside my eager na— male man— body and spelunk for feminine MATT: Chip. CHIP: …Yes. hang up. hands which are CHIP: I didn't tell you my real MATT: Don't deny it! Do you. "frequent" but -- bulk.

And then I realize he’s set half the story in a cluttered porn shop and I hate him so much but he’s so pretty how can I hate him for long? 2: LAYOUTS I go through the script and make layouts for it in Photoshop. both answers are the same: lots of fucking SAUSAGE work! Here. Tiffy and Alex. Chip breaks down the process for creating a magical panel! 1: SCRIPT Matt sends me the script and I read it and I laugh and I cry 1 and it becomes a part of me. Sometimes I just rely on my own stunning body.MAKIN’ How do comics get made? Where do babies come from? Surprisingly. because Matt’s written the script with a specific eight-panel grid in mind. It’s relatively 2 easy. For reference I use Google Maps to find buildings and Sketchup to find and arrange cars. as evidenced below for this 3 panel. because he likes to make my job easier except for setting things in that fucking porn shop oh he’s so pretty. We drink and eat and laugh and simulate lovemaking. then I start pencilling in Manga Studio. . 3: PENCILS I have an evening where I shoot as much reference as possible with my two main models.

I just spelt it with a “u. Kindergarten Kapitalism. I then render the effects for The Quiet.” but what else am I going to do? I’m an old man trapped in your fancy compooper age. 5 So. I ink it in Manga Studio. I send the inks to a colour flatter. 6: THE QUIET Once I’ve coloured it. #promotedparagraph 4: INKS It’s so funny to call these “pencils” and “inks. I 6. yeah. .” So. I then letter and send the page to Matt and our editor. If ever I have a kid I will teach them to hire someone to colour within the lines. “can we change ‘coming’ to ‘cumming’?” and they just fucking ignore me. that’s right. and they assist me by filling in distinct shapes with flat blocks of colour. like. I don’t know. and they’ve been craaaazy invaluable.” This is my fucking section and I’m a Canadian.7 guess. I bought a Cintiq pen display 4 and Manga Studio when I realized I’d be doing a full comic project. Maybe I’m wasting my life. yeah. Tommy K. Maybe it’s not. 7: LETTERING & EDITS When we started the comic I spent a couple of days turning my handwriting into a font. It’s a ludicrous number of layers. I call it “Comic Avec. with my dumb notes. It makes it a lot faster to colour when you can just select shapes and start colouring instead of trying to draw within the lines. 5: COLOURS Yeah. but it’s worth it. So.

#3 third printing (Queen tribute). with very helpful labeling. they’re: GALLERY! #1 fourth printing (photo cover). 4. voila! Done! Chip is especially speedy at photo manipulation from his years of photoshopping his penis to look “more cool” in online dating profiles (simplyredfan69). Matt posed with a “friend” he found and sent images to Chip from the West Coast. it was Photoshop. #3 second printing (TIME). #1 Forbidden Planet variant. #2 fourth printing. #1 Image Expo variant. While Chip slept like a bearded Canadian baby on the East Coast. Chip 3 4 got his long-suffering girlfriend to take photos to match Matt’s. #4 second printing . Chip did a rough sketch 1 2 for Matt. Matt and Chip decided to try something different: a photo cover of them as proud parents to the first SWAP printing. showing that the great East-West divide could be conquered. Chip woke up to emails from his mommy. #1 Ghost variant (Yuko Shimizu). we’re proud to present some of our favourite covers from the various reprints and variants we’ve done on our issues to date! In order. 3. 2. COVER Starting on the opposing page.PHOTO For the fourth printing of issue one. showing him how to pose for the cover. #1 EH! variant. 1. a penis pill company partially owned by his mommy. After reviewing the photo. and Matt. A couple of hours later and. But they live in different cities! How did they do it? Magic? Photoshop? I guess we’ll never know unless we read below. Yes. only the fifth-strangest photo request she’s ever had from Chip. Before bed one night.










Emmys and Golden Globes of comic books and all seem about as likely. He lives in Toronto. Monster Cops and an awkward issue of Vampirella. where he is known for his dumb stunts and weekly column. His comic work includes Prison Funnies. he or comics he’s a part of have won Eisners. and Satellite Sam. He won the first-ever PEN USA Literary Award for Graphic Novels. which are like the Oscars. under the clearly made-up name Steve Murray. He’s a New York Times-best-selling donkus of things like Hawkeye. He has Prince’s cell phone number. Harveys.” For the last ten years he’s been a staff writer and illustrator for the National Post newspaper in Canada. and Eagles. Chip Zdarsky is the creator of the popular character “Stan Lee” and inventor of the unpopular sex move “The Crying Zdarsky. Extremely Bad Advice. . Matt Fraction writes comic books out in the woods. Casanova.



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