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I put them in the same room and let them ﬁght it out... So then I ﬁlled the humidiﬁer with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing... For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward] This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the ﬂoor, then lifts it]...gutter... There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just ﬂick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out." I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone. "The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.." "My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old." "I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing." "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." "I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
.. George is a radio announcer... or I'm marking down everything in the store..... I .... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I said 'I don't want your job'..... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in... Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question.. with braces on them.. every half mile." "All of the people in my building are insane.. the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I have two.. with a pricing gun." "Some people think George is weird. She said. We switched on the driving.. She was shopping.. He could go under a rug...." "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No.. I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.. He said. So I drove it around.." "I met her at Macy's.... If you wanted to run the blender. I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building.... Wanna know how he made all of his money? .. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats....." "Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity." "I bought some batteries.. you can't hear him talk.." "I collect rare photographs. 'Where do you live?'."I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. so I had to buy them again. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip......... I was an only child.. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car..... "Give me all of the money in the vault.... I think George is weird. because he has sideburns behind his ears....." "One day. A policeman stopped me for going too fast." "Last year we drove across the country... I made a few mistakes. you had to rub balloons on your head.. He got pretty good.. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store.... and you turn on the headlights. but they weren't included.... when I came home from work... and when he walks under a bridge..... eventually." "Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.. I turned it.. does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. because he has false teeth...." "He was a multi-millionaire. I don't remember what it was.' "I lost a button hole today. and the whole building started up.." "When I was a child..
. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators... One time the power went out in my house. and I ran outside.. I said. and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. Babies don't need a vacation. I said.. so if you have any boxes.. and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." So I went down to the end of tired.. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen.said. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!" My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how. "How long have you had it?". I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out .." She said.." "If you can't hear me. "It's real easy. it's because I'm in parentheses. why haven't you called me. What's another word for thesaurus? I can remember the ﬁrst time I had to go to sleep.". I installed a skylight in my apartment.... I don't know how I got there. I had no lights.... it's original size ... Fortunately my camera had a ﬂash." "I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said.. My mother was there.. Mom said... I bought a house.".. My neighbors called the police. it says one mile equals one mile." "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" "I'm moving to Mars next week. and just out of curiosity I hung a right. but I still see them at the beach..." "I have a map of the united states . "Steven. Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. my (new) phone has no 'ﬁve' on it.. my calendar has no 'seven's on it. "I can't call everyone I want. "I don't know." ... 'Right here'. They thought it was lightning in my house. I said "the whole time". on a one-way dead-end road. The people who live above me are furious! Power outage at a department store yesterday.. He said 'Stephen." Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night..
but didn't take the old one out... but I wasn't going to be out that long.. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. The ofﬁcer said. maybe I wrote that.. I bought some used paint. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.and I didn't hear it. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. but I can't read music. but I don't know what to add.. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance... You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the ﬂoor to it.. I just bought a microwave ﬁreplace. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. I wrote a song. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants.. A tree fell right in front of me -. "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied... but you couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was once walking through the forest alone.. I got some ﬂipup contact lenses.' . that wasn't me. It was in the shape of a house. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign. I was pulled over for speeding today. I put a new engine in my car." I said "Yeah." I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board.. "Yes. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". but I don't believe everything I read. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. Today I. I was going to commit suicide the other day.. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. I've got some powdered water.No. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey. So.
Some people are afraid of heights. it was yesterday.I just... My dreams were broadcast all over the world...I caught every other ﬁsh. I turned my air conditioner the other way around... I've writing a book. I watched the Indy 500. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. My friend has a baby. Not me.. I've got the page numbers done. "I don't understand it." . I'm so tired..no.' I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.. he said. I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. I used to live in a house by the freeway.. but they wouldn't let me buy anything speciﬁc.I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich.Four years ago.. I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes. the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther... and I was thinking that if they left earlier.. I went to a general store. I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge..I was up all night trying to round off inﬁnity. The other day. so they called the cops.so I never have to go upstairs.. "Well ﬁrst I..to make a long story short. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.. you can go. The weatherman said.. When I asked him how he got such a great idea.. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Now when I get pulled over.. trying to see it clearly].." Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. I went ﬁshing with a dotted line. He invented Cliff notes.. and it got cold out... I have a friend who's a billionaire.My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today.. When I went anywhere. Good thing my camera had a ﬂash. 'Here. on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above. In my house.. they wouldn't have to go so fast... and says.... Last night the power went out.." and I said "Oops.. I'm afraid of widths..
" and then I said." I said. could I speak to Joey?" They said. "Nice day.. I don't think so. but I wouldn't want to paint it. I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl.. "Hello." and she said. They had little pictures of cats on them.. I woke up one morning and looked around the room. "Hello?" and I said... He's a midget dwarf. It's a small world... I couldn't believe it. my name is Dennis.It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring." I said. "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.I sat beside her." I said. were they mad!! (Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign. they mail it to me.I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.' . but not Dennis.. I don't even know you...." Uh. "I can't tell you. "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said.. "What's the problem?" She replied... Something wasn't right..." Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. "Well. and when I stepped in. "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said.. I always go out the window... "Hi. Today I dialed a wrong number. Both his parents are midgets." and she said. my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys.." So I asked.. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back.I got my roommate and showed him. I listen to the great music on Rock 107...boy. "Do I know you?" I was born by Caesarean section.. "I'll wait.. "Hi.. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. You can't have everything. I said.. and when I'm out of town.except that when I leave my house..He's only two months old. Dennis.The other side said. isn't it?. My name is Bucky Goldstein.." I have a friend name Dennis.by the way... but you really can't tell. I said.Where would you put it? One day I got on the usual bus. He's the guy who poses for trophies. "Hello. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
. I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick. You'll just be walking down the street." I said. And when I get real. He said.ooooohhhhhh. I like to skate on the other side of the ice . but my lawyer thinks he can get me ﬁve. If you wanted to cook..The other side said. where you going?" He said. I pushed 'Phoenix'. The other day when I was walking through the woods. and you get to the top. and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. A few seconds later..It seems you have missed your last 17 payments... "Yes.. You don't have to go.. two tumbleweeds blew in. and. I had to get rid of the other one -.. We would just like to know what happened to the money. I pushed '1' and he just stood there. real bored. I got a new shadow.. and with it he built a nuclear weapon.000 we loaned you.. "Hello?". I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.." The guy said. Maybe you've seen some of it. I have a hobby. "You get it.it wasn't doing what I was doing. "Hi." I picked it up and said.." So. "Phoenix.we were in downtown Phoenix.and I would appreciate it if you never called me again. and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17.. you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit . Jones. I like to reminisce with people I don't know . I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world... that's much better... you had to pull off a sweater real quick. "Mr. Jones. the student loan director from your bank. I looked at him and said.I said.. If you wanted to run the blender. you had to rub balloons on your head.... .Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.. Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I like to ﬁll my tub up with water. I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree... the doors opened..... Then the phone rang. "You know... I'm Mr.. then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.. "Hi.. "Is this Steven Wright?" I said. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck.." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert... I broke a mirror in my house. You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs.
Sometimes I. I don't... They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.. I out and lift my house up over my head. There's a ﬁne line between ﬁshing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. . The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got ﬁred for drinking straight Bosco on the job. I used to be an airline pilot. except the little kids. I got ﬁred because I kept locking the keys in the plane. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it..No. When no one is home across the street.My house is made out of balsa wood. I got a full house and four people died. I used to work at a health food store.
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