How to confuse people and stuff

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This section is a list of things that you can say to people to confuse them. Just walk up to somebody (even if you've never met them in your life before, which often helps because they won't know just how warped and twisted you are) and say one of these things to them. In fact, some of these are so good that if they fail to confuse somebody, we're offering a triple your money back guarantee. Now you know why there is no charge for this stuff. 1. "You forgot to say cheese" 2. "Don't you just love it when people throw cereal spoons at birds?" 3. "Does your fridge say `ekeefoo' when you open the door?" 4. "It wasn't the hosepipe" 5. "Oh no! You're one of them!" 6. "Some fool made the wheels invisible." 7. "Is your fridge walking?" 8. "Stuff blew up and stuff." 9. "Are you sitting in the cat-bird seat?" 10. "So what does the brick have to do with all this?" 11. "How isn't it going rather frot and thingies???" 12. "May the force be on you" 13. "Who cares that's the point you see?" 14. "Have you been asked to the headmaster's dog's birthday party?" 15. "Great frolicking bags of bullet holes!" 16. "I say, did you state that on Thursdays?" 17. "May the cheese be with you." 18. "Thanks" 19. "Jim said I should tell you 'never' " 20. "It isn't" 21. "You'll find two in the bathroom" 22. "I don't take cheques" 23. "It wasn't really, you know" 24. "You're quite the toothpaste today, aren't you?" 25. "Did you remember the cards?" 26. "Lithawanian Badger's Cheese" 27. "Bunghole" 28. "ARG!" 29. "You broke it" 30. "Why'd you kill the poor billy goat?" 31. "I'll slit your wrist with a rusty brick!" 32. "Its only about 5 feet high, you know" 33. "Don't tell anybody, but I'm dead" 34. "Don't tell anybody, but I'm a meatball" 35. "Am I in graduate school yet?" 36. "Are the stewed prunes still in the hairdryer?" 37. "I trust you finished your vegetables on time." 38. "My phone is green"

39. "Does your bedroom have enough asparagus?" 40. "I am a meat popsicle" (apologies to Bruce Willis) 41. "Hey, I ordered a cheeseburger!" 42. "Why do we open Swiss cheese?" 43. "Have you seen my double barrel giraffe?"

50 ways to confuse people in the computer lab
This section is adapted from an ASCII version by the name "50 ways to confuse, worry, or just scare the bejeezus out of people in the computer lab". That's why not all of them are confusing (I only left them here to confuse people who expected to find only confusing things). 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive; when it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 22. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 23. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 24. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

25. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 26. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 27. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 28. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 29. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 30. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 31. Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking. 32. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 33. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 34. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard and taking it. 35. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 36. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 37. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 38. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your file isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 39. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 40. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing,grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 41. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 42. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 43. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 44. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 45. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 46. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 47. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 48. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 49. Two words: Tesla Coil. Home Links Software Olympiad training Research Photos Blog Confusion

50 Ways to Confuse the Heck out of People in Dining Halls by Robert Chen 1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils. Inhale your food. 2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup. 3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food. 4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?" 5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk. 6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself. 7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones. 8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then "involuntarily" drool. 9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your body and return to the end of the line. Repeat. 10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down and sit on your food let out a loud sigh. 11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice. 12. Do not use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast. 13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells. 14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, "HEY!" and shake your head. 15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester. 16. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights too?!" 17. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite. 18. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene. 19. Same as above, but with burgers. 20. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some." 21. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye. 22. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them. 23. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down. 24. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat. 25. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food. 26. Bring insects and small rodents. Release. 27. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk. 28. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have some peanuts."

29. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you should put orange juice under "o" or "j." 30. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death" Eat avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to speak while your mouth is full. 31. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much milk. 32. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?" 33. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more. 34. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders. 35. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with your pet turtle. 36. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza. 37. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then pause for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some napkins. Use them as toilet paper. And, to thoroughly confuse people... 38. Comment on how GOOD the food is!

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