If William Shakespeare Wrote Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies

Title card appears showing the below:

Ye Terminator 2

Or

Much Ado About Automatons

Caption:

The Terminator appears and requires clothing.

Terminator: Pardon mine interruption, sirs, I have journeyed far from times beyond thy minds
comprehension, magicked here by powers exceedingly strange. Behold mine naked form, and assist
me post haste, for I dost require thy clothes, thy boots and thy steed.

Biker: Sir, thou art a rogue, braggart and villain, thou dost believe I would part with mine wears,
when thou prattle thus without a single ‘please’?

Caption:

The Terminator has rescued John Connor from the T-1000

John Conner: Sir, ‘tis evident thou art not a villain, and mine death is not thy aim. Pray tell, what are
thy inclinations, automaton?

Terminator: Thy protection is mine aim.

John Connor: Thy jest! If that is thy goal, then what lord hath asked thee such?

Terminator: Thou art the lord of which ye speak. Five and thirty years hence, thou reprogram mine
circuitry, and despatch me to thy time, to protect thee nobly.

John Conner: (aside) Zounds! Tis more than mine mind can comprehend!
 Caption:

It is evening. John Connor discusses more with the Terminator

John Connor: Thou art but one automaton – what of the rogue? He appears to be a kindred spirit of
thee.

Terminator: Thy arrow misses the mark. That villain is a T-1000, a most devilish and advanced
automaton.

John Connor: More advanced than thee?

Terminator: Aye, thy speak the truth – he dost possess a mimetic poly-alloy.

John Connor: Sir, thy prattle on with terms exceedingly mysterious – avaunt thy caterwauling and
speaketh plain.

Terminator: Metal of a liquid form.

John Connor: Kind sir, please reveal the destination of which ye head?

Terminator: A pressing need to escape the city

Is carried upon our weighted shoulders;

The city watch with eager eyes doth see,

We must escape thy land, immediately.

John Connor: Halt, automaton – I must stop a while at mine home, and gather a few trinkets for the
road that layeth before us.

The Terminator: Thy speak like a fool, a jester of some court, dancing the hey nonny and ringing thy
bells. The villain, this T-1000, this rogue, will lay an ambush for thee.

John Connor: Dost thou speak it true, automaton?

The Terminator: Aye, for these are actions I would deign to take.

Caption:

John Connor and the Terminator find a phone box so John can warn his foster parents.

John Connor: Todd and Janelle art fobbing, boil brained devils, but I must avert a catastrophe upon
their persons. Dost thou have a shilling, automaton?

The Terminator smashes the coin bin and gives it to John.

John calls home. T-1000 answers.

T-1000 impersonating Janelle: Aye?

John Connor: Janelle, ‘tis thy boy, John.

T-1000: John? Zounds! Tis past the setting of the sun, and thy dinner sits upon the table, tis beef
stew that I have cooked for thee.

John Connor: (aside, to Terminator) ‘Tis exceedingly strange! Her demeanour is most appealing,
against the norms of her person.

T-1000: John? I am worried to mine bones with fear for thy safety, where art thou?

Todd Voight: (off screen, hearing a dog bark) Thy incurable pock marked beast! What dost thou bark
at, so fiercely? Silence, thou villainous abominable misleader of youth!

John Connor: (aside) I hearest the dog bark – perchance the villain is there already!

Todd Voight: John must be persuaded to relinquish that fusty nut with no kernel!

T-1000: (killing Todd with its arm) John, where art thou?

The Terminator: (impersonating John) Janelle, worry not, sweet foster mother, for I am here.

T-1000: John, ‘tis exceedingly late, where art thou?

The Terminator: (aside, to John) Pray tell, what dost thou call thy dog?

John Connor: Max.

The Terminator: (impersonating John) Sweet mother, I pray thee tell, what irks Wolfy so? His barks
are want to wake the halls of hell, is all well with him?

T-1000: Worry not, boy, thy Wolfy is fine, now pray thee tell, where art thou?

The Terminator: (aside, to John) Thy foster parents are dead. We must away.

Caption:

The Terminator explains to John that the T-1000 can impersonate anything.

John Connor: Halt thy words, automaton. Thou sayest that this villain can imitate anything with
which its hands doth touch?

The Terminator: Any thing which it dost sample through contact physical.

John Connor: Thy jest again, automaton! Couldst the villain disguise itself as a flagon of mead?

The Terminator: Only that which doth possess the same shape and size of the rogue.

John Connor: Then why, pray tell, doth the rogue not taketh the form of a battering ram, or the pox,
to strike at mine flesh and bones, thus harming me such?
The Terminator: The rogue possesses a deft hand, tis true,

Yet such forms are beyond what the rogue can do

Moving parts a battering ram doth hath,

The pox much too much for imitation,

Solid metal shapes are its limitation.

John Connor: Pray thee tell, automaton, what shapes canst this rogue create?

The Terminator: Rapiers and blades it hath want to stab with.

Caption:

John Connor decides they should rescue his mother, Sarah Connor.

John Connor: Automaton, ‘tis of the greatest concern to me that mine blood mother is rescued post
haste!

The Terminator: Poor lad, thy request is uttered in vain,

The T-1000’s course is laid out plain;

The rogue will mimic thy mother, and thus

Remain hiding in ambush, for both of us.

John Connor: Dear automaton, wouldst my dear mother be free from harm?

The Terminator: Thy mother, as is the want of rogues such as T-1000, will be terminated.

John Connor: Oh howl! Howl! Howl! Thy words are like a blade,

That striketh hard, fast and true to mine heart.

My mother, that, incarcerated thus,

Doth spake the truth all these years past, and me

Her only son, born from her flesh and blood

Doth ignored her cries, and named her insane.

O! Fate! Thou art a cunning, sly, mistress

Who in the guise of the city watch, doth

Chase my feeble form and slay mine foster folk,

And now thy dare to mimic mother-kind.

Thy intentions are to slay mine own blood,

Spilling mine in due process, and that

Of all mankind in thy bloody orgy.

I beg thee, automaton, we must to her aid rush us hence.

The Terminator: Dearest John, thy request is like a dream thy had which thou canst not remember
upon waking and therefore fruitless in its retelling. Thy mother is not mine priority.

John Connor: A thousand deaths upon thee, automaton! Thou art a puking hedge-born nut-hook! O!
Teach me that I would forget to think, and in turn forget to think that my blood-mother is a priority
to me, and thus conform myself to thy wishes! But alas! I cannot, and she is a priority to me, if not to
thee!

Caption:

John and the Terminator arrive at Pescadero Hospital

John Connor: Automaton, thou must refrain from bloody murder.

The Terminator: Pray tell, squire, why is this?

John Connor: Thou art a bloodier villain than terms can give thee out! Thou canst not kill
indiscriminately, it is just so.

The Terminator: Pray tell, squire, why is this?

John Connor: Thou art i’ th’ worst rank of manhood! It is just so, thou canst not kill. Trust mine word
upon this matter.

A guard appears. The Terminator shoots him in the legs.

The Terminator: Thou tell’st me I canst not kill, so upon his legs I commit mine crime. True to thy
word I stay, and thus I promise thee – he shalt live.

Caption:

The Terminator is in the process of rescuing Sarah Connor from the Pescaredo.

The Terminator: Thou art alarmed and fear to see me here,

Thou believe I am a danger to thee,

But ‘tis my aim that assistance I give,

Thou must come with me, if thou want to live!

Caption:

John Connor receives a cold reception from his mother. He cries.

The Terminator: Thy reaction is most strange to me. Pray tell, squire, what afflicts thy eyes?

Caption:

The three hide in an abandoned petrol station. The Terminator patches up Sarah Connor’s shoulder
wound.

John Connor: Automaton, dost thou know the task thou perform?

The Terminator: Aye, ‘tis true, mine circuitry hath detailed formula for human anatomy.

Sarah Connor: Thou surprise me not, automaton. Thus thou art a more ruthless murderer.

The Terminator: Thou art correct.

John Connor: Dost thou hurt when thou art wounded?

The Terminator: I can sense mine injuries. Thou couldst call this data pain.

John Connor: Canst thou learn other manners that thou hast not been programmed with? Thou
couldst be more human in thy actions. Perchance thou wouldst be a less of a ninny, if it were so!

The Terminator: Mine CPU is a tool exceedingly advanced, a basis of stratagems most complex, thou
wouldst say it was a learning machine. But alas! Skynet hast pre-set mine switch, thus I am read only
when I am alone.

Sarah Connor: Skynet dost not want thou thinking too greatly, in truth?

The Terminator: Aye, ‘tis so.

 Caption:

Dawn. The Terminator hotwires a car and the three set off. John Connor teaches him how to speak
like a normal person.

John Connor: Automaton, thou art a jester with thou words! Thou must listen to how people talk,
and imitate them thus. Thou must not respond with ‘affirmative’ or the like. Thou must say ‘Aye, tis
true!’ If some rogue or braggart gives thou the cut of his jib, then thou must say ‘have at you, cur!’ If
thou wish to pass them on, thou must say ‘hasta la vista, thou goatish reeling-ripe flax-wench!’

The Terminator: Hasta la vista, thou goatish reeling-ripe flax-wench!

John Connor: Aye, but later, thou horseback breaker! And if some person has a temperament that is
vex, thou say’st ‘peace be with you’. Thou canst do combinations of such phrases.

The Terminator: Peace be with you, horseback breaker.

John Connor: Thou hast proven thyself a master of tongue!

The Terminator: Aye, ‘tis true!

Caption:

The three stop at a petrol station for food. John sees children playing with toy guns and wonders
about the future of mankind.

John Connor: ‘Tis plain to me that humanity is cursed with a tragic destiny.

The Terminator: Tis in thy nature to destroy thyselves.

John Connor: Aye, tis true, a thought that leaves me exceedingly vexed.

Caption:

John Connor tries to explain to the Terminator why people cry.

The Terminator: Squire, why dost thou leak water from thy eyes?

John Connor: Thou mean’st people, as a whole?

The Terminator: Aye.

John Connor: In truth, I cannot say for sure. When there is hurt, we cry.

The Terminator: ‘Tis caused by pain?

John Connor: Thou miss my meaning, automaton. If thou hast no pain, but thou hurt anyway, thou
cry. Dost thou understand?

The Terminator: No. Truly, thou art unusual specimens.

Caption:

After the raid on the Skynet offices, Terminator finally defeats the T-1000 in a steel mill. The T-1000
melts in a vat of molten steel.

The Terminator: (One armed and battered) By the beard of Zeus, a vacation is mine only
recompense.

John Connor: O! Most blessed automaton! By thy troth, is the rogue dead?

The Terminator: Aye, ‘tis terminated.

John Connor: (holding robot arm aloft) Automaton, dost thou believe this arm will melt betwixt this
molten liquid?

The Terminator: Aye, tis true, banish it yonder.

John Connor: Adieu! (throws arm)

The Terminator: Dost thou not forget the chip.

Sarah Connor: Bless the heavens, tis over.

The Terminator: Fair lady, tis not so, there is one last chip that thou destroyeth must (points to
head).

John Connor: Alas! Alack! Oh curse ye, ye gods who mock the feeble nature that is man! Why must
thou go? Sayest ‘tis not so, and stay a while, ‘twill be reasonable.

The Terminator: Alas, dear squire. Thou art a good friend to me, but with my destruction, must this
tale end.

John Connor: Blow, wind! Come, wrack! The alarm bells ringeth thus within my heart! Thou art
automaton, art thou not? Therefore my orders thou must follow. I order ye, not to destroy thyself! I
order ye! I ORDER YE!

The Terminator: Alas, dear boy, I know thus why thy art wracked with tears, but verily, thy actions
are beyond my imitations. (Giving elevator control to Sarah Connor) Alas, I cannot terminate mine
very fibres. Thou must lower me into yon molten pit. (Lowered into the pit). Adieu! Adieu! Curse not
this tale with thy tears, but celebrate thy victory, adieu!