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1.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Alex and Jordan are moving boxes into their new place. JAKS can
trail after them happily.

ALEX
You need to get that wormhole
under control.

JORDAN
The whole reason I took JAKS to
church was to teach them it’s not
okay to kidnap. Instead I think he
got a little too inspired.

FLASHBACK TO

Jordan and Alex sit on their couch, trying to play a video game,
but are inconveniently surround by a plague of locusts. They are
evidently miffed.

RETURN FROM FLASHBACK

JAKS
BLRRR!

ALEX
Have you tried just talking to
them?

JORDAN
You try reasoning with an
amorphous blob!

Someone knocks on the door. Jordan heads toward the door as he
converses.

ALEX
If you don’t get him under
control, we’ll end up with rats
next time. Or space rats. OR
DRAGONS! Can Jaks create dragons?

JORDAN
We can just invest in bugspray.

ALEX
They don’t make dragonspray.
2.

JORDAN
We’ll figure something out. Either
way, we are never allowing vermin
into our household again.

Jordan reaches the door and opens it.

DAVID
Greetings!

Jordan closes door abruptly.

SMASH CUT

TITLE SEQUENCE

INT. APARTMENT – JUST AFTER

Jordan and Alex unpack their new apartment. Alex drops a box,
and a scarf falls out.

ALEX
Oh hey, this is Tiffany’s. I
should probably start returning
some of her stuff.

JORDAN
Just put it back in the box. That
way you don’t have to deal with
her.

David’s knocking continues in the background.

ALEX
Well, you should probably deal
with him. David’s been knocking
for awhile, he’s not just gonna go
away.

The knocking abruptly ceases.

JORDAN
I beg to differ. See what happens
when you simply ignore your
problems?
3.

DAVID (O.S.)
Hey, guys!

Both turn to look. David has appeared inside the apartment.

JORDAN
JAKS!!

ALEX
What did they do? Did they open a
portal? Did they phase you through
the walls? Did they dissolve your
corporeal form and reconstruct you
in our midst?
DAVID
No, I think they unlocked the
door.

JAKS trills happily.

JORDAN
The heaviest betrayal.

ALEX
What do you want, David? We’re in
the middle of moving in.

DAVID
I’d like to join you.

ALEX
Together? Like, into a singular
being? Because JAKS tried that
once and it didn’t work out. It
was actually quite horrific.

JORDAN
I won’t be a part of any more
experiments.
4.

DAVID
Actually, this time, I’ll be the
experiment. I want to move in with
you.

JORDAN
(perplexed)
What kind of experiment is this?

DAVID
I want to be able to see JAKS, and
for some reason, the particles you
radiate are conducive to this
endeavor. I need to assimilate
into your particle locality, so I
can be absorbed into JAKS’ sphere
of influence and study them more
closely.

JORDAN
See, you’re talking, but all I
hear is, “I really wish you’d
punch me squarely in the face.”
And honestly, you’re being very
convincing.

DAVID
Alex, could you reason with him?

ALEX
uh…

Alex’s phone rings.

ALEX
Sorry, gotta take this! It’s
Tiffany, and (pointedly to Jordan)
I can’t avoid my problems.

Jordan sticks his tongue out at Alex.
5.

DAVID
(turns back to Jordan)
You don’t understand, I’m trying
to help you. I think I can find
away to detach you from the
wormhole. I can solve your
problem!

JORDAN
I can solve my own problems, thank
you very much.

DAVID
I think it’s fairly obvious you
can’t.
JORDAN
Hey, screw you, pal! Just because
you have a fancy major doesn’t
mean you’re better than me!

DAVID
I’m just better equipped to handle
this situation.

JORDAN
Unless your senior thesis is on
sentient wormhole theory, I don’t
think that’s true.

DAVID
Oh, please enlighten me about how
your studies in- what is it even?
Video game multiplayer maps? --
help you understand the dynamics
of this aberrant being.

JORDAN
Hey, man! Call of Halo is an
intricate multiplayer experience!

The pair continues to argue, loudly and completely off-topic.
JAKS appeared disconcerted at the display.

DAVID
I’m trying to help you. Even if
you don’t like me, wouldn’t you
try to help me if you saw I was in
trouble?
6.

JORDAN
If you were abducted by aliens, I
would halt all space exploration
to ensure you were never found.
And I love NASA!

DAVID
Oh, very nice. Impeding human
progress for a grudge. Meanwhile
I’m working for the greater good.

JORDAN
You’re not doing this out of the
goodness of your heart. You just
want to win fancy science awards.
Jordan and David continue to fight loudly and stubbornly in the
background. Brief shot of Alex on her phone in another room,
then another shot the pair arguing incoherently, then a shot of
JAKS looking as if he’s up to something.

CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET MIR - DAY

Suddenly, Jordan, David, and JAKS appear on another planet. It
is a fair-weathered world, calm and cool, with blue and purple
tones of the ground and sky. They’re fighting immediately
ceases.

DAVID (V.O., THINKING)
...what just happened.

Jordan looks exasperated

JORDAN
JAKS happened.

DAVID
...what?

JORDAN
JAKS happened. I know that because
I understand them better than you.
Also, the sky is purple.That
doesn’t happen unless JAKS is
involved.
(V.O., thinking)
Idiot.
7.

DAVID
Can you hear my thoughts?

JORDAN
What?
(V.O., thinking)
As if you have thoughts

DAVID
There! I heard you! You said I
didn’t have thoughts. Which is
offensive by the way, because I’m
literally an astrophysics major.

JORDAN
Oh, thank you for telling me! I
did not know that about you!
Please tell me more about how
you’re so much smarter than me.

DAVID
I didn’t say that.
(V.O.)
I’m totally smarter than him.

JORDAN
HEY!

David and Jordan continue bickering in the background.
Meanwhile, as their fighting heats up, the once cool and fair-
weathering environment begins to heat up. Starting from David
and Jordan’s location, warmer, more hostile colors begin to
appear instead of the blues. The sky around them turns orange
and the vegetation begins to react. JAKS trills around them,
trying to get them to notice the changing world, but they’re
caught up in the argument. Spoken words and thoughts tumble over
each other, making the argument almost indiscernable, but
eventually, a few words are clear.

DAVID (CONT’D)
Why won’t you just let me live
with you?

JORDAN
Because you drive me insane! I
don’t like you and you don’t like
me. We will never ever get along!
Just leave me alone!

At this, the planet begins to rumble, like an earthquake is
about to be triggered.
8.

ALIEN (O.S.)
Be still!

They pause abruptly. They glance at each other, perplexed.

ALIEN (V.O.)
You two are causing quite a stir.
but my people never fail to be
polite. Welcome to Mir.

JORDAN
(hopefully, to David)
Are they here to abduct you?

SMASH CUT

END OF ACT 1
9.

ACT 2

INT. APARTMENT – DAY

ALEX is sitting uncomfortably on the couch, awaiting Tiffany’s
arrival. There is not much to do other than be uncomfortable.

DOORBELL RINGS. She answers the door, and Tiffany stands
outside, on her phone and not seeming to notice that the door
has opened. Alex waits a polite amount of time before trying to
get her attention.

ALEX
…Tiffany?

Tiffany doesn’t look up. She’s chewing gum, just to add to the
general atmosphere of disinterest.

TIFFANY
Hey.

ALEX
Do you wanna come in—

TIFFANY
Yeah.

Without looking up, Tiffany brushes past her. Alex rolls her
eyes and closes the door.

CUT TO:

EXT. PLANET MIR – DAY

Jordan, David, and the Alien Elder regard each other
suspiciously.
DAVID
What . . . a fascinating life-
form!

JORDAN
Ughhh…

DAVID
He seems to have our language! Is
that a product of JAKS’s
interference or is his species
capable adopting any language, a
race of polyglots?
10.

JORDAN
Slow down, David. You don’t get to
probe him yet.

DAVID
Oh why do I even talk to you? You
have the mental capacity of a
peanut.

JORDAN
You have a heart the size of
a…smaller peanut! I wish you
wouldn’t talk to me!

The planet begins to rumble again.

ALIEN
Be still, I said!

Jordan and David get quiet.

ALIEN (CONT’D)
Do you see that village over
there?

Shot of a village in the near distance.

ALIEN
My people live there in peace and
harmony, for that is the only way
to preserve community on this
planet. The earth here knows when
its inhabitants are in conflict,
the very elements intercedes in
the name of achieving balance.

JORDAN (V.O., THINKING)
The elements? Do we need to
recapture the avatar? Do I need to
regain my honor?

DAVID
Please stop talking.

JORDAN
I wasn’t talking! I was thinking.
Stop listening to my thoughts!

ALIEN
You two are disrupting the
equilibrium of this planet, and
the earth shakes before us.
11.

DAVID
We . . . didn’t mean to do that?

ALIEN
You must cease your conflicts at
once if you wish to live among us.

JORDAN
We don’t! We do not at all want
that!

DAVID
We’re only here because our
parasitic wormhole—

JORDAN
--MY parasitic wormhole—
DAVID
--transported us here against our
will. We would very much like to
go back to our own planet.
Dimension? Galaxy? We don’t where
planet Mir is.

JORDAN
We don’t care where it is! We’d
just like to get home.

ALIEN
Considering the danger you pose to
my brethren, I have no qualms with
this request. However, I am ill-
equipped to fulfill it. I know not
how you got here or where you are
from. I know only that while you
are here, conflict must cease
between you.
DAVID
Oh, yeah, we don’t want to
endanger you’re people. We’ll just
stop fighting.

DAVID (V.O.)
And anyway, it’s always Jordan who
starts it.

JORDAN
HEY! I’ll un-conflict if he un-
conflicts!
12.

DAVID
All you have to do is let me live
with you!

JORDAN
We’re literally on a different
planet at the moment! That’s not a
concern!

DAVID
I’m thinking of the bigger
picture. It’s a thing scientists
do!

JORDAN
A REAL scientist would have
figured out a way to get us home
by now!

DAVID
Oh, it’s MY fault we’re stuck
here!?

The world rumbles again, and a crack develops on the surface.
The ELDER regards it with concern.

ELDER
See how you endanger my people!

The pair pauses in their quarrelling. He’s not wrong.

ELDER (CONT’D)
If you lack the fortitude to
refrain from conflict, then I must
send you to the far forests to
gather the Root of Mir.

JORDAN
You want us to go get groceries?

ELDER
It’s a remedy used for only the
most unruly and combative souls.
When they cannot maintain peace,
they are sedated with this root.
It turns off telepathic
communication, and dulls the
tendency towards malice.

JORDAN (V.O.)
Are you gonna roofie us?
13.

DAVID (V.O.)
No, I think he’s asking us to
roofie ourselves?

ELDER
Consume of the root, and you will
be at peace with the planet, and
perhaps you then can find your way
home.

Jordan turns to look at JAKS. JAKS wags their tail, seeming to
approve this idea.

JORDAN
I think that might be what JAKS
wants.
ELDER
It grows beneath the tallest tree
at the center of the forest, just
northeast of here.

DAVID
That sounds doable.

ELDER
Please try to not destroy my
planet in the meantime.

He turns to leave, abandoning them to their quest.

JORDAN
Let’s try not to destroy our
planet.

DAVID
Well, the foundational structure
seems to initiate tectonic
disturbance when friction between
us reaches a—

JORDAN
Yeah, let’s just not talk. Or
think too loud.

David accepts this, and they both head off towards the forests,
JAKS trailing behind them.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT – DAY
Tiffany is gathering her belongings, and Alex stands aside
awkwardly. She picks up a spiral on the floor.
14.

ALEX
Hey, don’t forget your gay agenda.

Tiffany regards her, and the spiral; doesn’t laugh. It’s
awkward.

ALEX
Because…it’s an agenda…and…never
mind.

Tiffany continues looking at her long enough to make her
ashamed, then looks back at her phone. Alex sighs.

CUT TO:

EXT. MIR FOREST – DAY
David and Jordan walk in the forest, but are a considerable
distance away from each other, not even looking the other. This
seems to frustrate JAKS.

Jordan shivers.

David exhales. His breath is visible in the cold.

JAKS shivers. It’s adorable.

They continue walking, shivering, teeth chattering for awhile.
David stops abruptly.

DAVID (V.O.)
Trying not to think is exhausting
for a mind like mine.

JORDAN (V.O.)
Did he just think that? I can’t
believe he just thought that.
That’s the most pretentious thing
I’ve ever heard.

DAVID
Hey! I can still hear you! Think
quieter!

Jordan groans, but tries to oblige.

They walk in silence, trying to ignore each other. The wind
picks up, and snow begins to fall. JAKS shivers harder.

JORDAN (V.O.)
We aren’t even speaking. Why is
the planet upset?
15.

They keep walking, keep shivering, but finally David has had
enough.

DAVID
Okay, this isn’t working!

Pan over to Jordan, arms crossed, comically covered in snow.

JORDAN
You think?

DAVID
We’re probably just freezing the
planet to death now!

JORDAN
Yeah, it doesn’t seem to like when
we give each other the COLD
SHOULDER!!!

David deadpans.

DAVID
Have you been thinking of that
this whole time?

JORDAN
I was trying to think of it
quietly so you wouldn’t hear. It
was funny, right?

DAVID
I heard it four times on the way
here.

JORDAN
But it was funny, right?
DAVID
No.

DAVID (V.O.)
A little.

JORDAN
I’ll accept that.

They trudge a bit further, and reach what is certainly the
tallest tree in the forst. But . . .

JORDAN
Do you see the root?
16.

DAVID
I don’t see anything. I just see
snow.

JORDAN
But this is definitely the tallest
tree.

DAVID (V.O.)
We may have frozen it…

JORDAN
What?!

DAVID
When you were giving me the cold
shoulder, the freeze must have
killed it.

JORDAN
When I gave you the cold shoulder?
That was your idea! You killed it!

DAVID
You’re the reason we had to do the
cold shoulder thing! You couldn’t
speak to me like a civilized human
being!

The snow begins to melt around them. There is still no root to
be seen.

JORDAN
I’m uncivilized? You treat people
like experiments! Me, Alex, and
even some random alien who was
trying to help you!
DAVID
I was trying to help you guys! And
I was trying to help Alex find
Tiffany, and I was trying to get
us off this planet!

JORDAN
Well you did a great job!

More cracks in the ground begin to form.
17.

DAVID
I’m doing more than you’re doing!
You’ve had a wormhole following
you around, and you just ignore it
like you ignore all of your
problems! At least I do something
about it!

JORDAN
You only make everything worse! You stick your nose where it doesn’t
belong and now look at us, we’re in the middle of nowhere, arguing
over a root that isn’t even here! I bet that alien sent us on a wild
goose chase, you’re supposed to be smart but you couldn’t even see
that!

DAVID
you didn’t know it either!

JORDAN
But I’m supposed to be the stupid one, right?

The world rumbles.

DAVID
Yeah, you are!
DAVID (V.O.)
you’re not stupid.

JORDAN
what?

Aliens appear, holding spears (or some kind of weapon); they
have david and jordan surrounded.
ALIEN ELDER
Enough! It’s clear to us now that
sending you away was ineffective,
the entire planet is convulsing
thanks to the two of you!

DAVID
You sent us after a cure that
didn’t exist!

ALIEN ELDER
Do not turn your dark energy onto
me, we will not respond. We are a
peaceful people.
18.

JORDAN
Oh yeah, real peaceful,
surrounding us with spears.

ALIEN ELDER
Seize the tall one!

JORDAN
Hey! Back away from me.

DAVID
I think they mean me.

They both glance at each other. David is evidently taller.
JORDAN.
Aw. Well…I have a taller heart.

DAVID
What does that even mean? The
heart of every human is roughly
the size of a fist.

JORDAN
Why are you—!

The world rumbles slightly.

ELDER
SILENCE! You’re fighting upset the
planet!

One of the aliens grabs David by the arms, and manhandles him
away from Jordan.

JORDAN
(unconvincingly) No…Don’t…stop…

DAVID
Wow, thanks!

ALIEN MINION
No more fighting!

The alien knocks out Jordan with the end of his spear, rendering
him unconscious.

ELDER
We shall separate you both to
preserve our home. When we take
you back to our village, we will
let the planet decide your fate.
19.

DAVID
Do I get a space-lawyer??

JAKS buzzes, raises their tail in an “I-volunteer” fashion, but
no one conscious can see them.

Also, they are probably not a competent lawyer.

SMASH CUT