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APRIL 29, 2018


Dear you,

First of all, aku nak minta maaf sebab aku pilih untuk tulis kat sini rather than giving it to you,
cause for me, I need to lash out everything but not directly to you so that it won’t affect our
friendship. And, if one day u happened to read this, know that despite everything that I wrote
here, u are the great best friend in this whole wide world that I could ever asked for.

Sebelum masuk medical school, I’m a very emotional person with multiple broken heart
episodes, let it be about friendship, love life or any bad luck that happened in my life. I love
drama, I grew up reading all those Malay novels sampaikan aku hidup dalam angan-angan yang
my life should be as dramatic as all the heroin in the novels.

Tapi sebab kau dan hanya kau, I blew up all my covers, I break all the rules I made, I showed my
true self to u just so u can be alive once again, so u can be better again. I reveal to u the pathetic
emotional side of me but seriously I regretted it.
Kau tahu tak disebabkan apa yang kau buat, segala rahsia semua orang di sekeliling kau
terbongkar. Their deepest darkest secret that I wish I never knew, that I wish all of you never told
me, that I wish I’m just a spectator who is heartless and don’t ever care about the drama that’s
been going on, but unfortunately I’m not.

Kau adalah orang yang paling aku hormat dari 1st year, kau antara sebab aku start turun surau
solat berjemaah, join diorang pergi segala Islamic talk, pergi Islamic camp. Kau buat aku rasa yang
I’ve found my old self back, seolah Allah datangkan kau dalam hidup aku to guide me to the right

And with all that, how could you tell me you are a gay? How could u tell me it wasn’t just a
feeling? How could u share with me that things are way worse than just porn and masturbate?
How could u break my heart by telling me it involve physicals with strangers? How could u do
that? Why? Why it must be u? Aku tahu kau lembut but I seriously do not expect this.
And by telling me, what u expect me to do? Untuk hadam segala perkara and be open minded
about it? Do u forget that I grew up in a conservative typical sceptical narrow minded Malay
family? Untuk terima yang aku berkawan dengan lelaki lembut macam kau pun is an achievement
to me dan kau nak aku terima kau gay?

Aku mungkin nampak seolah aku okay dengan semua ni, ibarat aku menyokong semua, and being
non-judgemental about it. But honestly, no, aku tak boleh terima sebenarnya. Tapi aku terlalu
sayang friendship kita, sampai aku ketepi segala perkara dan buat sehabis daya untuk ada dengan
kau, untuk biar kau rasa hidup ni tak sefucked up mana sampai kau perlu telan 20 biji

Semua orang kisah tentang kau, kerana kau pesakitnya, kau yang diadmit ke psy ward, kau yang
dipaksa terima IV NAC, tapi ada orang tanya tentang aku, ada orang tanya perasaan aku, dan
semua ingat aku kuat untuk menghadapi dan semua berharap pada aku untuk berada dengan
kau, memberi semangat tapi aku, siapa yang akan kisah tentang aku? Segala breakdown aku
dalam bilik, setiap air mata yang jatuh, setiap suicidal thought yang menghantui aku. Takde siapa
yang tanya sebab bukan aku pesakitnya.

Aku nak kau tahu yang N tahu tentang perasaan kau dekat S, and it breaks her heart so much that
she won’t be able to meet all of you guys ever again. Aku harap kau faham. Let her be, she
choose to leave. Dan aku nak kau tahu betapa tersepitnya aku antara N, S dan kau. Aku kena
control setiap apa yang aku cakap supaya it wont hurt her feelings sebab dia seboleh-bolehnya
tak nak langsung dengar nama korang. And know that, if I have to choose, I choose her over you a
thousand time more.
Dan, aku dah confront S and A. S mengaku dia bi walau hakikatnya dia gay jugak. Dia tak cerita
kat N yang dia dengan budak Astar tu sebenar nya pernah couple, dia kata diorang just kawan. A
kata dia straight, but who knows kan? And just so u now, I have feelings towards A that I’ve been
avoiding because yeah, he might be gay too. Complicated enough? One last thing, the girl who F
confessed and give her the expensive makeup staff, remember her? Yeah, she actually like you for
a long time already, since 1st year actually.

I don’t know why I’m the one need to know all these. I’m sorry but if in the future, I see u but I
never say hi to you, know that u are the best thing that ever happened to me but u also the worst
thing that breaks me which I might choose to delete u from my life in order to move on with all
the adult stuff going on. Nice to know you. Hope our path may never crossed again.


Love, Aira
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Kejap The Best Friend Zone Betrayed

May 9, 2016 February 19, 2017 May 23, 2016
With 2 comments In "Dan lain-lain" Similar post


One thought on “Hope our path never

crossed again”
APRIL 30, 2018 AT 5:19 PM

I felt compelled to reply, even though I wasn’t the intended reader.

Firstly, you’re hurt and emotive. Understandably, the revelations and confessions being made to
you by your friend has changed the dynamics of your group. So, you’re justified in having all
these feelings.

Secondly though, it took courage and careful thinking on your gay friend’s part to acknowledge
that he himself is gay, and from there on complicates the dynamics of your relationship, to which
you somehow feel he doesn’t have the right to do. Being gay. ‘How can you tell ne that you’re
gay’ – this line shows that as much as you might have understand the situation, you don’t have
the empathy for your friend; whom might have a much harder time in having to justify in his head
and of how to manage his already complicated life. So, what I’m saying is that; you are saying that
he somehow is at fault for being gay and thus complicates your life. Which is untrue. Think about
it from his perspective. Imagine if you’re in his situation. What would you have done different. Or
would do differently?

Thirdly, as a future medical professional; I hipe you have it in you to not be prejudiced.

Homosexuals and heterosexuals are homo sapiens.

Treat all of them without prejudice

ps: I hope you will move on with your life without any difficulties. But from my viewpoint, if
you’re saying goodbye to your friend just because he’s gay and that complicates your life
somewhat because it befuddles the group dynamics; I wanna reach out to your friend; that he
will find a better friend. One, who after careful consideration and much judgement; wont
abandon someone just because they happen to love the same gender.

pps: yeap. Ive also read the poem.