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Ladies and gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite

several sternly worded emails, it’s the most backpedaling band in the

world, the Columbia University Marching PLEASE DON’T SANCTION US!




J. Michelle Wolf: master of roasting

J. Donald Trump: somehow still boasting

And J. CC student: just barely coasting



Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous,

sententious, sesquipedalian, semicircular, semic​entennial, solipsistic,

recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation! College Library, where

the shelves are long l​asting, but sadly not the men, and the women are

checked out but long overdue. As well as cheating in STEM going up,
quality of STEM going down, and Econ at an all time NOT THE E IN STEM,

the Band now presents its 67th consecutive, 69th semia​nnual drive to lower

the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world’s largest

simultaneous Orgo! And so, in the interest of everyone’s enjoyment:


SEAS students, please turn off your Android devices.


GS students, please turn up your hearing aids.


CC students, please set your cell phones to vibrate.


Barnard students, please set your vibrators to phone. Let’s start the show!

[Who Owns]



Earlier this week, Columbia students were shocked to learn that they had a

new least favorite Upstate New York|, semi-private research university| with

a color for a mascot – Syracuse! Yes, the Syracuse Orange ascended to
the Ivy League of Racism after Theta Tau fraternity was suspended for

saying… (deep breath) very bad things. Fraternity bros claim that the video

of them| pledging to hate anyone who isn’t white was just a harmless skit,

sort of how “Birth of a Nation” was just a light-hearted family comedy. We in

the band would like to think that ending racist fraternities is as simple as

pushing Syracuse into the Erie Canal, but unfortunately, it turns out racism

is as much a part of Greek Life as hazing, getting your ass paddled by your

brothers, and butt chugging.

Not to be upstaged, frat bros in Lambda Chi Alpha at Cal Poly took the

focus of their frat parties from “gin and blow” to “Jim Crow”. After news

broke that they had worn blackface and dressed as self-proclaimed “Latino

gang members”, students protested, but Cal Poly’s president just shrugged

and said “free speech bro.” Eventually, Prezbo-lite had to wake up and

smell the racism after another frat pulled the same stunt – putting students

of color through a Groundhog Day of racism. Cal Poly’s Greek life has been

suspended for two years, hopefully long enough for them to get costumes

more culturally sensitive than that time your mother dressed your white ass

as Pocahontas.
Before you start thinking Columbia solved racism back in the 80s when

Obama​ went here, our frats can also be as toxic as the kitchen at

Nussbaum. A Spec op-ed recently broke news that no one at Columbia had

known before – Columbia frats can be racist too! The article discussed a

racist slur hurled at a member during a game of Settlers of Catan, which is

disgusting – who the hell still plays Settlers of Catan? This student’s

experience just goes to show that Greek life is still ​as​ dominated by

powerful white people as, well, the Columbia administration. We in the

band hope that frats on campus can clean up their act, but more

realistically they’ll probably just continue using racist and sexist slurs until

their GroupMe screenshots are sent to Bwog!

In honor of being more problematic than a Pennsylvania Starbucks, the

band now forms a suspension letter and plays “Buddy, Holy Shit that’s


[Buddy Holly]


Recently it seems Barnard’s campus is finally starting to look a little less

like 2007 Britney. While the grass is being rolled out, and Athena is

hatching from her cocoon, Barnard is trying to provide students with

something other than a first-year sexuality crisis. But this semester,

Barnard students have been eating out in more ways than one.

First, Hewitt earned something you’ll never find at Harvard: a B! Health

inspectors discovered that the kitchens were crawling with vermin, and

we’re not just talking about members of the rowing team. This might be

because Hewitt is run by Aramark. Which is a company best known for

feeding prisoners and public school children meat that is definitely ​not

abandoned freeway tires. With their track record, we should be grateful

that Barnard only ended up with some rat poop, and not kosher,

chopped-up dick.

And then Barnard took food security way too literally. The NYPD arrested a

student in Hewitt for refusing to put down a fork while having a seizure –

because if there’s one thing the police care about it’s table manners. By
calling the cops, the Head Chef proved that Hewitt is more afraid of

fork-protectors than health-inspectors. Meanwhile, Barnard students were

reminded that they can’t actually have it all, when the late night puke on the

JJs staircase hit critical mass and the whole thing was removed for

emergency repairs. The repairs forced Barnard students to seek out

sign-ins like the kid in Oliver Twist: “Please sir, may I have some mozz


But before you students at “The College” start getting all high and mighty,

remember: your food is about about as secure as your sense of superiority.

Suites in EC will not have ovens or stoves for the next school year, forcing

seniors to live on what they were going to live on anyway: a diet of

microwaved hot pockets and overpriced Seamless orders. Students will

have to cook their food the same way they cook other things – with a lighter

and a rusty spoon. Rising seniors got no sympathy from the administration,

because according to them, choosing to live in EC is like not showing up to

ESC meetings when you’re the president – if something bad happens to

you, you knew what you were getting into.
Still at the end of this cold, hungry tunnel there is a light...reflecting off the

greasy Ferris pizza. This year, members of GSSC and USenate finally

opened up Columbia’s student-run food bank– the only type of bank where

finance bros don’t want an internship. That initiative was followed up this

semester with Share Meals, an app advertised less than the ten millionth

Kingsmen concert of the semester. While it’s nice to see Columbia trying,

we in the band know what food security really means: to feel secure and

warm, bundled inside a Ferris buffalo chicken wrap.

In honor of Hewitt’s rating being higher than our GPAs, the band now forms

a health inspection and plays All of the Violations.

[All of the Lights]



This semester, Columbia’s campus finally got the mental health resource

we’ve all been waiting for: Elitist Memes. That’s right, Elitist Memes for

Every Ivy League Teen started as a place for students from all top schools

to come together and shit on Cornell. As the months passed, it became
refuge for recycled content: ranking schools by distance to Flavor Town

and cut-and-paste “Ivy League as” jokes. Otherwise known as, shitting on

Cornell. But perhaps the greatest repeat offender is the “Tag Yourself”

meme: which allows Ivy League students to do the two things they love

most: putting themselves into arbitrary categories and, you guessed it,

shitting on Cornell!

Well, we in the band want to get in on the Elitist Meme action. So, without

further-ado, Tag Yourself: Ivy League Elitism Edition.

At Princeton, elitism is measured by what you eat, where you eat, and who

you eat. Eating clubs are not “officially” affiliated with Princeton University,

in the same way that “whites only” is not “officially” their admissions policy.

They’ve turned the act of eating into an elitist tradition, which is a ballsy

move for a school that shares a mascot with a brand of mediocre breakfast


Next in our elitist meme is Dartmouth, where you’ll be right at home if you

want the ruggedness of camping with the comfort of a Double Tree Hotel.
Dartmouth might be the easiest “real” Ivy to get into, yet they still choose to

live in a place where you have to spoon livestock for warmth. Fartmouth

students think they’re so elite, (“HOW ELITE ARE THEY?”) they still chose

sheep over people. In the rest of the Ivy League, we wear wool – but at

Dartmouth, wool wears them.

And speaking of elitism, Hahvard.

And now for Yale. Students at Yale act like they’re elite, but they’re just like

their mascot: they drool at the sight of meat, they roll over on command,

and they don’t get any tail. Yalies are so elite that the only smashing they

do is when they smash the dreams of the working class. Plus, Yalies don’t

see any bush unless it’s named George and it plans to invade Iraq.

Brown has given up most of its elitist traditions over the years, like the

exclusive drag-racing across Rhode Island club or the concept of giving out

grades. When it comes to Elitism, we in the band have to admit, students at

Brown, frankly aren’t the most elite. But, just like Mark Zuckerberg
sometimes pretends to be a real boy, Brown students sometimes trade in

their working class ​pot​ for some ​high​ class marijuana.

Speaking of doing high class drugs, Columbia! Not to toot our own horns,

but we’re number one if you count elitism by number of displaced

Manhattanville residents! Not only do we live in the most expensive city, we

also OWN the most expensive city! Guess we really do put the Columbus

in Columbia. In fact, Prezbo is the modern day Christopher Columbus:

pushing out local businesses and replacing them with shrines to his

colonizer god – econ. But if Columbia owns all of New York, we in the band

have to wonder, why can’t we even fix the one train?

Though Cornell is basically a state school, the fact that they still have the

confidence of a white Soundcloud rapper is truly peak elitism. In fairness,

Cornell is an Ivy the same way that Staten Island is a borough of New York

City – big, red, and full of trash. Cornell students have the kind of reckless

elitism that makes them live on a hill high above lake Cayuga… and start a

meme group dedicated to you guessed it, shitting on Cornell!
In honor of ironic elitism, the band now forms a first year asking their

parents for a Canada Goose jacket, and plays “Paint it, Gold.”

[Paint it, Black]



This year, the nation shot into action about gun control for the first time

since...the nation last shot into action about gun control. The Parkland

teenagers showed us that students can be passionate about more than just

Tide Pods™. But the older and stodgier people of the nation were confused

– what are your teenage years for if not fearing for your life every time

you’re in a crowd of more than five people? A growing youth movement has

pointed out that if you feel like you need an AR-15 to defend your home,

you should probably just move out of Westworld.

In the wake of the tragedy, the Parkland teenagers organized the March for

Our Lives, making every college student realize we probably should have

spent our high school years doing more than smoking in the parking lot and

giving bathroom blowjobs. These brave kids proved that the Internet ​can​ be
used for good, and not just for reddit threads and vine compilations. Also,

they got more people to go for a walk than any Healthy American campaign

ever did. We miss the days when kids learned that “the mitochondria is the

powerhouse of the cell” and not “the window is the most vulnerable part of

this classroom”.

While the student marchers called for common sense gun reform, the NRA

called for arming babies. After all, the NRA claims that the only way to

prevent gun violence is more guns, which is like trying to improve your GPA

by spending ​even more time ​masturbating. The NRA’s agenda is more

clear than Parkland student’s backpacks. If the NRA had its way, every

University would have armed guards, meaning they’d make Fausta protect

Ferris with double-pump shotguns. And Barnard professors would finally

have a way to deal with that one loud CC boy in every class. We in the

band have to wonder: when republicans say they ​want​ people to carry guns

in schools, are they talking out of their assholes, or the NRA’s?

If we are going to take advice from the generation that still refers to Eastern

Europeans as “the reds”, then we might as well replace our high school
curriculums with hiding under your desk and waiting for Sputnik to come

and end it all.

In honor of your high school bio teacher armed with an AR-15 the band

now forms an active shooter drill and plays We’re All Locked In The

Classroom Together.

[We’re All in This Together]

{JOKE 5 – BDS}


Out in the world, we’ve seen opposing sides come together in powerful

displays of unity: North and South Korea, Bill Cosby and prison, ...but here

on campus, pro-Israel and pro-Palestine students are still at

Kanye and American history. Israel Apartheid Week turned into Israel

Apartheid Month as students from both ends of the scream tunnel

presented their views in front of the most ​powerful​, the most ​influential

group at Barnard: S G A!
SGA issued a referendum, making their council meetings better attended

than CCSC’s Mozzarella Monday’s™. This referendum asked students if

SGA should write a letter supporting Barnard’s divestment from a list of

Israel-profiting companies, which is like walking into the Diana Center and

shouting “Everyone, tell me about your daddy issues!” Those from all

positions worked to get out the vote: pro-Israel, pro-Palestine, and that one

person who thought this was the referendum to ban all cis men from


The referendum passed, putting wind in the sails of a thousand activist

opinion pieces on “the little Jewish college that could.” But while SGA was

still brainstorming, President Beilock drafted a response that was basically,

“No thanks – sent from my iPhone.”

SGA, in all its pant-suited glory, decided to send the letter anyway. And just

in case they hadn’t already gotten the message, Beilock sent them ​another

response,​ as though the council is a kid with her hand in the organic

free-range liberated cookie jar. Beilock claims she’s all for “civil discourse”
but we know the only discourse she wants is whether Barnard should put a

Pinkberry or a Sweetgreen in the new library.

But we in the band have come up with a solution for everyone: Barnard

should really divest from the global market of big acronyms. Think about it.

SGA, SSI, CUAD, BWOG: we haven’t been this traumatized by letters

since the last time our grades were posted.

Perhaps instead, we can have ONE organization, simply called “Students

for Israel, Unless They’re for Palestine, and Also Students Who Haven’t

Quite Made up Their Minds Yet, As Well as Students Who Have No

Opinions, And Students Who Aren’t Vested in The Outcome Either Way

But Want Administration To Respect the Results of the Referendum”

(*BREATH*) abbreviated, of course, as


In honor of unity, the band now forms your new Facebook profile filter and

plays Any Referendum You Want.
[Any Way You Want It]



Being a grad student at Columbia right now is like being a rat in a Carman

suite: you’re running from falling ceilings, nobody wants you to have sex,

and the administration would prefer if you didn’t exist. The latest group of

grad students the administration is ignoring are 50 MFA visual arts

students, who paid for a Picasso-quality education, but got finger-painting

instead. Instead of famous professors and high-end facilities, they’re facing

half-empty departments and their facilities are basically the outhouse of

Columbia University. We in the band are sympathetic – we also paid way

too much for name-brand recognition when we bought the iPhone X.

While MFA students aren’t getting what they paid for, grad students just

aren’t getting paid. Their union has begged Provost Coatsworth for

recognition for years – we haven’t seen anyone ignore the popular vote this

hard since 2016! Grad students starting picketing, shutting down campus

faster than three inches of snow. We were shocked to find out the Grad
students are also musicians when they pulled out those plastic buckets

from Home Depot. Undergrads, faculty, politicians and celebrities came to

support the grad students but Prezbo and his brand-new Audi were

nowhere to be basically, it was business as usual. Prezbo left the

Provost to do his dirty work and run Columbia’s Union Hunger Games, a

Quarter Quell to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the 1968 protests.

Coatsworth has shown he’s even less interested in Unions than Mississippi

in the Civil War.

As though the lives of grad students aren’t hard enough, the University

Senate is now trying to make it harder for them to get hard. They recently

announced a proposal to ban relationships between “officers of instruction”

and undergraduate students. Congratulations, Columbia: it only took you

8007 cases of professors going into “early retirement.” Unfortunately, the

ban won’t just protect you from your creepy, 89-year-old Lit-Hum professor

– it also cockblocks ​undergraduate ​TAs more effectively than living in a

Wein walk-through double. The policy would require TAs to get a special

permission slip from Coatsworth to have sex, which is basically the Barnard
sign out policy 2.0! After news of the proposal broke, there was a reported

300% spike in office hours during reading week.

This leaves us with one big question: if one undergrad TA wants to fuck

another undergrad TA, what happens? Is it like Schrödinger’s fuck – both

banned and allowed until you ask the Provost and find out?

In honor of our downtrodden grad students, the Band forms a sex

permission slip and plays “You deserve a Holiday”.



Well, that’s all for us tonight, folks. But before we go, we’d like to leave you

with a few study hints for the big Orgo exam tomorrow:


Steric blocking imposes additional stereochemical retirements, whereas
cock blocking imposes additional masturbatory requirements.

Hormones are peptide or small molecule physiologic signals. Her moans
are what you hear through your John Jay walls every weekend.


In SN2 reactions, methyl groups are more favorable than primary carbons.
At Fox news, opinionated white, male groups are more favorable than
primary sources.


And finally, in chemistry, elements that are not part of the solution are part
of the precipitate, whereas, at Columbia, students who are not part of the
solution are part of the Band!


Thanks and good night folks! Try not to break any bookcases on your way