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Math Humor Quarterly: Spring 2018

1.

The equation of a straight line

is one of the simplest in math
but a series of short straight lines
can approximate a curving path.

So the next time you are on the road

you should take time to observe
how the short straight lines
trace out the path of a curve

But don't get too distracted

as you sit behind the wheel
because there may be some heavy traffic
just over the hill.

2.

Jerk is associated with the third order rate of motion

but stupidity will often lurk within a foolish notion.
Acceleration is only the second order rate of change
but it is sufficient to drive the missile down the test range.

Smoothly is how a mechanical device will work

if you can eliminate every annoying jerk!

3.

If your wallet is solid with cash

and you are fast in the forty yard dash

But if your credit cards are all maxed out

and you can hardly get about
then your romantic goose is virtually fried.
4.

Content is what is contained in the big tent

and if it is valuable, there is something you want to prevent:
the thief who will get a preview
of all the stuff old and new
that he wants to steal from you.

5.

In Super Bowl XLIX New England Quarterback Tom Brady threw a third quarter
interception.....

Tom Brady is a great quarterback

but he probably wishes he could get the third quarter back
in which he threw an interception.

The ball followed a parabolic path

in full accordance with the principles of math
but it was an opposing player who made the reception.

6.

because they are both members of the human race.
But with most of the women that Tom has dated
would Ronnie even get to first base?

7.

We're living in the aftermath,

after math was discovered and applied.
But we must not use high tech
as a means to disconnect
ourselves from the faith
upon which our ancestors relied.
8.

A pulley is a mechanical device

and is used for lifting a weight
but a bully is maniacally not nice
in expressing his vicious hate.

9.

A complex curve can be difficult to navigate

for the simple reason that it is not straight.
And a plane is devoid of valleys and hills
and plain vanilla has few frills.

10.

The future is sommething that is hard to foretell

for who knew that “e” would be a new kind of mail
or that a person who was not in a jail zone
could make a call from his cell phone!

11.

The consequences are things that a con seldom senses

before doing wrong in deed
but a book too long is what an editor condenses
so that it is short enough to read.

12.

A professor of mathematical physics is an avid golfer and plays in several amateur

tournaments. But he has never shot better than 78 on a par 72 course. One day he
got a bright idea. He would use his knowledge of newtonian mechanics to improve
his game.

to take advantage of his arm strength
and he used bio-physics to improve his swing.

And he improved his initial approach

with the aid of a swing coach
and he practiced his short game in a circular golf ring.
And then he started finishing second to none
after his wife gave him a new set of clubs
And although he never finished in second place
he still beat the pace
of the golfer who finished thirty fifth.

Editor's (RHB) Note: the statement “he never finished in second place” does not
imply that he always finished in first place. We will close with item # 13 which is the
seventh number in the Fibonacci Series.

13.

Three men pulled up in a van in an alley behind a major art museum. Two of the
men entered the museum dressed as heating/air conditioning maintenance
engineers. They told the curator that they had been sent there because their central
office had detected a malfunction in the air conditioning in a sensitive area.

The third man called the curator via cell phone and falsely reported a fire on the 4th
floor. The curator along with the security guard went to investigate. The next day
the curator and the security guard were fired and let go because they let a van go
with an expensive Van Gogh!

RHB

To paraphrase the scriptures: there is nothing new under the sun. What they are
now doing has already been done. This implies periodicity which is a fundamental
feature of the solutions of the basic wave equation of mathematical physics.

The following is well known but this may be a new (well let's say another) way of
expressing it. If you want to find the 12th number of the Fibonacci Series: just take
the square of 12 and obtain 12 x 12 = 144

also do original math research. I have published some of it on this site. There is
much more to come. I am looking for a sponsor for the arXiv.org site. Your
assistance will highly rewarded at a future time and such a statement should not be
lightly regarded, if it comes from a master of rhyme.

I was awarded a Master of Science degree in Math from the University of

Minnesota, Minneapolis, MN in 1993
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