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NEW HAVEN EDITION

APRIL 2018 THE ONLY MAGAZINE AT YALE ABOUT STUFF AT YALE VOL 25 ISSUE 3

RUMPUS PRESENTS...
YALE’S
50 MOST
BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE
2 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

The Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale.

The Rump’s View
KIM
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Nick Adeyi
Chase Ammon
Zachary Kreiser

KYLIE Dearest Yale,
PUBLISHER
Hank Loughlin As young Rumps, we dreamed of the day we’d have this much power over Yale’s collective sex life. Now fully formed RumpDad-
dies, we’ve realized that with great power comes great responsibility—responsibility we threw to the wayside long ago along with
KENDALL
our morals, foresight, and liver function. As the tyrannical despots who oversee this sorry excuse for a publication, the time has
MANAGING EDITORS cum to let loose our creative juices with full force. Grab a tissue in case you get some in your eye.
Kristina Cuello
Kiddest Sinke
Much like the hotties in this issue, we’ve had to take good care of ourselves to make it to where we are today. Inspired by Psych
KOURTNEY and the Good Life’s “hack yo’ self ” project, Rumpus has taken up a strict regimen of hot yoga, cold-pressed juices, and frequent
STAFF tantric masturbation—with spectacular results. Zach’s hair is luscious, Nick feels more energetic than ever, and Chase is now
Adam Shaw
Andi VonHilsheimer
reading at a fifth-grade level, a huge step from when he first learned to read at the age of eight (he was busy “going to a Montessori
Anushka Walia school and making jewelry”).
Carlos Velez
Charles Foster
Chase Westover
Chloe Heller Creating 50 Most has been no easy task. You try holding a conversation with someone when you’d much rather be holding them
Daniel Kaylor
Dustin Dunaway
up against a wall. But Rumpus has a journalistic duty, so we pressed on, fueled by sheer force of will and VerbTM bars (taken as a
Dylan Forgione
Eugenia Zhukovsky
suppository). We Facebook stalked. We actually stalked. We developed valuable software and design skills that will serve us well
Fatima Abaroa in our professional careers. This issue is the culmination of everything Rumpus has taught us: find the right person, ask the right
Helia Gagnon
Jakub Madej questions, don’t use too much tongue.
Josh Tarplin
Journey Streams
Leila Halley-Wright
Lindsay Jost
We stand before you, fully erect, and lay bare our hearts and our genitals in what is truly our finest work. Though you may only be
Lydia Hill
Lydia Schooler
an average-looking normie, you are one of many, and through sheer numbers you are powerful as well. But not, and realistically
Mariah Kreutter not ever, as powerful as we are now. So settle in, grab some lube, and let Rumpus do the talking. Today, we’re your daddy.
Miles Waits
Molly Ono
Nathan Murphy
Ryley Constable
Sean Walker
Sol Thompson Rump Love 4ever,
KHLOE
L.O.B. RumpDaddies
Viviana Andazola Marquez
Alex Saiontz Editors-in-Chief
Jenna Selati

THE NEXT 50: THOSE WHO
KRIS
SPECIAL THANKS
All Our Alumni
Ryan Craig
Dean Jonathan James
Turley Publishing
JUST MISSED
My Neck, My Back
Narcissism Nick Adeyi, Chase Ammon, Zack Kreiser, Viviana Andazola Marquez, Alex Saiontz, Jenna Selati,
Partner’s Cafe
Long Island Iced Teas
Poppers
Kristina Cuello, Kiddest Sinke, Adam Shaw, Andi VonHilsheimer, Anushka Walia, Carlos Velez,
Just Add Humor
The Drama House
Endgender
Charles Foster, Chase Westover, Chloe Heller, Daniel Kaylor, Dustin Dunaway, Dylan Forgione,
The Barge
Heyo It’s Larry Eugenia Zhukovsky, Fatima Abaroa, Helia Gagnon, Jakub Madej, Josh Tarplin, Journey
Streams, Leila Halley-Wright, Lindsay Jost, Lydia Hill, Lydia Schooler, Mariah Kreutter, Miles
RRumpus is a non-profit, non-partisan, non-violent monthly
student publication published by RTA Publications and
registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. Yale College
is in no way responsible for its content.
Any reproduction, re-transmission or
rebroadcast without express consent, implicit or supercil-
ious, from Rumpus Magazine, its parent organizations,
and its bastard offspring affiliations. By acknowledging
Waits, Molly Ono, Nathan Murphy, Ryley Constable, Sean Walker, Sol Thompson, Sophia Nam,
Rumpus’s existence and binding yourself to our cause, you

Zach Glass, Charlotte Young, Ryan Craig, Austin Strayhorn, Octavia Spencer, Clark Burnett,
hereby pledge to do everything in your power to endorse
the third world order. Failure to comply with this regulation
will result in the If you would like to purchase a monthly
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us with the dried placenta of your firstborn child. Placentae
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the evil reign of Taylor Swift over Paul Freedman’s heart.
Stephen A. Schwartzman’s Hairy Scrote, Eoin McGuirk, “THE BEST BIG EVER OMG ILY”
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Rumpus
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018

RUMORS, TRUTHS WE COULDN’T PROVE, AND OTHER ALLEGATIONS
The attic of which umnist snuck into Nips to get an earlier pick college to hide organic Rumpus. poof is so self obsessed
sorority house is so in- (Sage and Chalice’s during room selection? matter in. that he can literally suck
fested with rats that the senior-only lingerie Instead they got caught What freshman know- his own dick? Rumpus
ceiling sags? (It’s Theta). party) at Sig Nu after and received last pick What junior light- ingly let her suitemate isn’t jealous though;
Apparently it’s so bad being turned away at along with a healthy weight crew member use a toothbrush she in our experience that
that their advisor from the front door? After portion of public peed in his date’s bed kept exclusively for feels less like getting
nationals chose to get a throwing her clothes shame. Looks like they after inviting every girl post-blowjob teeth a blowjob and a more
hotel room rather than in the backyard, she should have just Let it he matched with on cleaning? We can only like sucking a dick.
stay on the top floor. attempted to blend in Be. Bumble to lightweight assume she has an arse-
We’d like to point out among the seniors until crush? In the end, nal of toothbrushes to What 50 Moster was
that the only thing that being escorted out by Giving new meaning to none of them touched wash away the shame of wined and dined by a
can fix a rat problem is police. Sounds like she the phrase “my room- his cox, and he spent any sexual act. Luckily Yakuza boss who called
an army of snakes. Bet- could have used some mate is an asshole,” the night stroke, stroke, for the roommate, she himself Don Corleone
ter call up the YD“N”! advice on when to take which Rumpus staffer stroking. didn’t hate her enough during the rugby team’s
a hint... decided to shove carrots to hand her the ass trip to Japan? Turns out
On that note, which up her ass in order to What former head of eating brush. sake bombs taste twice
sorority house had Which Pike realtor get back at her room- Pierson College is legal- as good if you fear for
people break in over the complained to a tenant mate who had been ly changing her name What senior society your life while drinking
summer of 2017 who about how condescend- eating them without because of the bad was disbanded after 4 of them.
used it to run a crack ing Yale students are asking? press she got for writing its members cheated on
operation? (It’s Theta). to her, including one a series of Yelp reviews? their significant others Which 50 Moster
Ah, crack - the only billionaire’s son who What 50 Moster buried In her honor, here’s one during a foursome with began dating a girl after
thing more enticing toured a house with a 40 an umbilical cord in the of our favorites: “So each other? Heads up having a wet dream in
than eternal sisterhood. year old handler from Silliman courtyard at what they have is barely - bio stands for biogra- her bed? He was so in
Even better, when Pi NYC? I guess money the request of a Turkish educated morons trying phy, not biology. And love that just being next
Phi heard the news can’t buy manners. woman who believed to manage snack orders juniors, keep an eye out to her was enough for
they decided to start an it would help her child for the obese and also for a letter from Helios him to get a nut. The
even bigger crackhouse What group of 5 fresh- get into Yale? Pretty try to add $7 plus $7.” if you’re looking for a next morning he stole
in an attempt to be #1. men transferred into dumb of her in Rum- Not bad! We wish she good time. her heart and her dirty
Saybrook and faked a pus’ opinion - everyone hadn’t resigned so she sheets.
What Junior YDN col- dust allergy in order knows Saybrook is the could write for the Which current Whiffen-

By the Numbers
As STEM majors, we RumpDaddies love some good, quantitative data. This issue has 25 women, 24 men, and one Whim. From our statisti-
cal analysis, we have concluded that Yale Men need to focus more on their unibrows. We had to do a lot of retouching in Photoshop because here at
Rumpus, we’re all for unrealistic body standards! 50 Most Drinking Game: take a shot for every man you think we de-browed. Hint: there are four.

The hottest college this year, with NINE 50 Mosters, is everyone’s favorite plantation, Davenport. Followed closely by the snakes of JE, with
seven hotties. Pauli Murray received zero ZERO zero 50 Mosters, making it one of the ugliest colleges in Yale’s history. Ben Franklin only received 1,
which just goes to show that the New Colleges are objectively the worst. And that’s science.

Nine first years made it into the issue. Sophomores and Juniors tied for first place, each raking in SEVENTEEN 50 Mosters. The washed-up
senior class only contributed six this year...probably because they’ve had the most time to wrong us here at Rumpus.

20% of our 50 Mosters are members of the Fence Club. Call nepotism all you want, but that’s one hot group of Mio addicts. Guess smoking
weed has some benefits after all.
4 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Rumpus sat there, which she was actually time she leaned in and Photo by Sol Thompson
palms sweaty, knees weak rather skilled) include the puckered up.
arms heavy. Genevieve theater (skill less evident). Initially a wily
(GH ’19) sat across At a young age, she interviewee, wary
from us, hands looking fancied herself a thespian, that anything she said
moisturized and radiant. but realized Broadway could and would be
Genevieve has beautiful may not exactly have twisted out of context
hands, so beautiful, in been her calling after by Rumpus, Genevieve
fact, that they’ve scored being dismissively cast eventually came around
her modeling gigs in the to giving us the content
past. As Genevieve later
bombarded Rumpus with GENEVIEVE that our sophisticated
readership craves. After
“humble brags,” we stood
in awe. An undefeated ESSE a bit of conversational
lubrication, Genevieve
state champion rower admitted to being a
in high school (captain most beautiful dabbler in the thespian
of a Head of the Charles HANDS arts, but the lesbian arts
winning boat, no less), as well (again, a pastime
Genevieve went on as the magic carpet for since surrendered). We
to be recruited at Yale her elementary school’s (and by we, Rumpus
and rowed through production of Aladdin means Genevieve) waxed
her freshman year. (Rumpus long considered poetic about the aesthetic
Miraculously, her hands enshrining Genevieve as wonders of female-female
have stayed pristine “Most Beautiful Carpet,” pornography. Having
through the erging. but we digress). been nearly run over by
Not limited to Genevieve’s biggest an Oscar Mayer truck
her beautiful manos, insecurity is her (so she in childhood, Rumpus
Genevieve has a beautiful says) “uneven” butt-chin agrees that things can
mans too (Alex Copeland, (yes, most beautiful butt be unpleasant when
a fellow 50 Moster–with was also a contender). you have a giant peen
reportedly more calloused Asymmetric cleft or threatening you. Akin
hands than hers). Rumpus not, she still couldn’t be to her fiery critiques
can only presume he stopped from modeling of gender imbalances
maintains god-like levels things other than her in Yale’s social sphere,
of wokeness, given hands! As a young lass, Genevieve is also a ([n]
that he keeps up with a Genevieve modeled for armchair) crusader in
soft-campus dwelling Wisk™ Detergent, where the fight against similar
Engender member she was photographed issues in the pornographic in the porn industry [to for not having seen the no wonder you didn’t
(in Fence, as per all kissing a toad (her first industry. Not only can ameliorate professional Kardashian sex tape, but make it in show business,
expectations). We pressed kiss). The campaign was Genevieve “not stand” gender imbalances but then Genevieve admitted Genevieve! Rumpus
her with the hardest of something along the lines the “intimidating” dicks also improve overall porn to skimming through it understands that porn is
questions, like whether of “our detergent is so that appeal in straight quality?].” herself, lacking an interest much like 50 Most, in that
Fence would beat Sig good it can even clean porn, but she reviles the Genevieve further in both pornographic you may come for the
Ep in a street fight. She your nasty daughter,” gross, fat men attached to lauded adult actresses exposition and Ray J, beautiful young people
answered correctly. according to Genevieve. them. “75% of the internet for their thespian (yes, whom she described as (and their beautiful
Other things that She has never been more is porn,” Genevieve back to this) prowess, “whack.” If you don’t hands), but you stay for
Genevieve has quit harshly rejected than she kindly reminded citing Kim Kardashian’s care for the bit with the the literary inspiration!
outside the realms of hand was by that toad, who Rumpus, so “we need exuberant climaxes. pizza delivery men and
modeling and athletics (at struggled to escape every more female directors Rumpus was chastised the naughty nurses, it’s —HANK LOUGHLIN

50 MOST LAUNCH PARTY
PARTNER’S CAFE
10:00PM ON WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4 TH
VENMO $7.00 @Yale Rumpus

OR VISIT FACEBOOK PAGE FOR MORE DETAILS
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 5
Alex Copeland (GH mirror. a roast of himself anyway. he read from a scroll, and
’19) has a very large butt. Cope is the type of “I think I’d be roasted I had a queen crown for
“It’s really my biggest Yale Man who absolutely on how cocky I am; how her and asked if she’d be
flaw. My butt is WAY too knows he’s hot, but I’m not nearly as funny my homecoming queen.”
big,” he says. As a man refuses to acknowledge as I think; just generally Rumpus suspects that this
with very few flaws, he it so that other people how my perception of was all just an elaborate
had to think about this myself is cooler than it plan for Cope to make
for one very hot second.
While he says he also
ALEX actually is… My butt
for sure, though.” He’d
sure everyone knew he
was a king, and that HoCo
has a very large ego, his
butt is apparently larger. COPELAND describe his aesthetic as
“athlete who thinks he
queen saying “I do!” was
just an added bonus.
This makes sense, since most beautiful dresses well but kind Rumpus would gladly
Copeland (Cope to his HOCO KING of doesn’t.” Cope is on feed Cope grapes and
friends—Rumpus thinks the basketball team. carry him anywhere…
we’re better friends than can do it instead. This is Touchdown! Rumpus perhaps to the bedroom?
we probably are so will only acceptable because would like to point Nope! Rumpus
therefore refer to him as when asked to describe out that he wore three regrets to inform Yale
Cope henceforth) doesn’t himself in one word, layers of sweaters to this Womyn everywhere that
really know why he’s he chose “charming,” interview. their dreams of being
here; “I don’t think I’m which Rumpus agrees is Keeping in character, Cope’s queen are sadly
very beautiful,” he says. fitting and handy since he Cope’s most interesting doomed—he already has
“Well, in third grade, admits he’s beautiful, but pastime is planning big one. He happens to be
there was a girl that I not that beautiful. He also romantic gestures. He’s dating another 50 Moster
thought was the prettiest mentioned “giddy” and Heath Ledger, 10 Things I included in this issue who
girl. Thought for sure I’d “whimsical.” Rumpus Hate About You-level into is equally charming and
marry her. And she said I can confirm that Alex elaborate promposals. lovely (see left). Hard to
like you, and I thought I Copeland is a) both of “Junior year,” he says, “I hate these two, but not
must be attractive. That’s these other things and b) asked a girl who was a impossible. Don’t give
when I knew,” but on a not very good at following senior to homecoming, up, Yale: you may never
quick side note, “I also directions. and asked a bunch of be Cope’s queen, but
don’t really think I’m Rumpus is glad that kids to carry me in. I got maybe someday you can
attractive.” Cope changes Cope made 50 Most this a king’s robe and a crown, carry his throne.
his mind approximately year, since he says he’s and got one of my friends Photo by Kai Dougan
every time he looks in the always wanted to organize to feed grapes to me, and —KRISTINA CUELLO

“I think my most says sophomore Tyler Columbia for a big-city love at Yale? “I’m not on That being said, she our own score, with
beautiful feature is my Holloway (BF ’20). A vibe but instead chose to Tinder, but while I love isn’t afraid to show her disappointing results.
nose. My family used lifelong resident of the bless Yale University with animals, I don’t think I’d sensitive side. “I love “I’m always looking
to always joke about New Haven area, Tyler her warming and graceful like to see someone who Marvin’s Room,” she to meet more people. I’m
my Whoville nose,” was tempted to attend presence. has a picture with their said, “actually, after often finding myself in
“I was very surprised dog.” As she said this, we this interview is over, I the library, so I think I
when I found out that I could hear the sound of think I should go listen may come off as someone
was selected for 50 Most, 2800 Yale Men™ opening to it.” Also, as a singer who doesn’t talk much.
because knowing that I’m Tinder, deleting their in Shades, she happily Honestly, I’m open to
picture with a dog, and commented on how talking to anyone.” How
TYLER naturally replacing it with
one of them in Blue State
excited she was for the
Valentine’s Day show.
does one make their
way into Tyler’s inner
HOLLOWAY reading Kerouac.
Standing at a model-
Rumpus was so excited
we had to investigate…
circle? Such a musically
talented lady is always
most beautiful esque 5’9”, Tyler’s looking and found that Tyler has looking for more music.
HUMBLE PERSON for a tall guy to sweep her a voice that could make “My suitemate’s music
off her feet. And, even angels cry. taste is phenomenal, and
beautiful is something though she’s an incredibly Rumpus doesn’t I’m so thankful for that
that I’m still coming wholesome person, she check GPAs for 50 Most, Spotify feature where
to terms with.” She would happily date an but Tyler has scored you can see what your
describes herself as very Econ snake. “He’s got to internships with Google friends are listening to,
wholesome, and doesn’t be nice and caring, but and Facebook, proving and I just follow whatever
often go out. Rumpus not so caring that, like, her immense knowledge, he’s listening to.” Unless
understands; we’re we’re gonna be sitting work ethic, and love you’re a Yale Man™ who’s
getting pretty sick of together crying all the of money. That’s right, just going to send her a
drinking lukewarm Natty time.” As she said this, RumpReaders. Not only half-assed mix of Frank
at Sig Nu. This begs the we could hear the sound will she make you cry Ocean and 2008 Drake
question… when Tyler of sadbois across Yale with her voice, but also (she’s already heard it
goes out, what does she opening Tinder, deleting with her ability to fuck all), this is your chance to
like to drink? Naturally, their picture of them up the curve in any class make friends with one of
the Cupcake Moscato in Blue State reading y’all are taking together. the most impressive and
from Box 63. “It tastes just Kerouac, and replacing it Rumpus sat next to her most wholesome people
like apple juice,” she says. with one of them reading during the intro macro on campus.
Photo by Sol Thompson But is Tyler looking for The Intelligent Investor. midterm to try to boost —RYLEY CONSTABLE
6 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
“What keeps me up always said it was in case thank you card on the last around romance. “My linen sheets. On my back. and I’m so happy to
at night? Sometimes I wanted to be a rock star, day we filmed because new thing is to reverse I have an imagination but have had my time. In an
you’re just horny,” Raffi and I’m like, ‘Do you I’m a kiss-ass and my the power dynamics of it’s not really active right ideal world, this article
Donatich (BK ’19) shared mean porn star?’” Jewish mother told me to desire. My theory is this: now. I’m really celibate.” makes me seem like the
with Rumpus as she While Raffi is no longer write a thank you note. when you have a crush Hit Raffi up to change most amazing, eligible
reclined in her bed, which a porn star, she is an artist. I’m half Jewish. Issa Rae on someone you have less that, but only if you have person at this school. The
she referred to as her She’s a comedienne as the is so nice. She will laugh power. Telling someone broad shoulders, nice most beautiful, amazing,
haven. “The vibe for my director of Red Hot Poker. at your jokes.” Rumpus, how you feel in a romantic hair, and are kind. Oh, talented, cool, chill,
bed is bed of The Study. She sings with Tangled though we are not nice, realm shouldn’t be life or and “size matters, as they eligible, creative. But I’m
It makes me feel decadent Up in Blue and slays all also laughed at Raffi’s death. By reversing the say.” worried I’ll seem totally
and hip at the same time.” of her riffs. She will sing jokes if that says anything. power dynamics of desire, Before we ended our narcissistic, annoying,
Likewise, Raffi made with Whim ‘n Rhythm as While Raffi clearly you empower yourself interview, Raffi insisted: and desperate.”
Rumpus feel decadent a senior. She’s a writer, succeeds at most by being vulnerable. You “Everyone is beautiful. I
which is where she hopes everything, the romantic tell the person how you think 50 Most is hilarious —CHASE AMMON
RAFFI to focus her career. She
began by writing poetry.
realm is the one place she’s
“the most uncertain.”
feel. And that doesn’t
make you less powerful.
DONATICH Above her bed hangs
her first poem, framed. It
While she’s certain that
marriage is going to be
That makes you more
powerful. I’m saying all
most beautiful reads: “Heart heart heart awesome: “You go for a of this having never once
heart heart / Bye bye walk. You go see a movie. put myself out there in
UNTAPPED pillow / A poem about You come home and my life.” But the point is,
RESOURCE a pillow / Pillow pillow you have non-stressful she’s ready to.
you’re so soft / I can’t sex. Then you go to the Hopefully, through
and hip. Here’s why: believe I lost you.” It has farmers market,” she has reversing the power
To start, Raffi has a a picture of a crying girl, yet to find a first love: “I dynamics of desire, Raffi
really fucking cool name. and everything is spelled have never identified as will soon be able to realize
“My name is Raffaella wrong. Since then, a single person. Ever. I’ve her sexual fantasy. “It’s
Sweet Donatich. It’s Raffi has improved her never been in a serious like in Greece. The white
Italian. My mom wanted spelling. “I have taken my relationship, but single is buildings. We have this
to name me Rachel but my fair share of poetry classes so far from my identity gorgeous patio. There’s
dad dated a Rachel that here. I write about myself, even though I’m forever no one around us and
he didn’t like. I hated my the world. But I haven’t alone.” Currently, Raffi it’s the most amazing
name when I was little, done it this year. I don’t is trying to enter the weather. Breezy. I’m not
so I told everyone my miss it because now I’m world of romance. “My really focusing much on
name was Gabriella and off to bigger and better original goal for this year the sex here, I’m mostly
I went by Gaby, which things. The world of the was to put myself out focusing on the aura. My
is embarrassing. My stage…and the screen.” there before the Oscars. sexual fantasy would
middle name comes from Yes, Raffi is probably The Academy Awards. feature a lot of oral. Not
my great grandmother, going to be very famous But that’s not going to me performing it, fuck
whose name was Susan, very soon. Last summer, happen.” no. My sexual fantasy
which is hilarious because she worked on the show It didn’t, but Raffi has is grounded in reality. A
how do you go from Insecure. Issa Rae knows been working hard to foreign Greek reality. I
Photo by Josh Tarplin
Susan to Sweet? My mom her name. “I wrote her a reconstruct her own ideas want to be in a bed. Like

“I’m coming here and self. Teava is living proof lie?” Teava also looks love advice (he shared
I have no secrets,” Teava that you don’t need to be for “genuine emotional some confidentially with
Torres de Sa (GH ‘21) born pretty to be pretty. connection,” which Rumpus and, admittedly,
declared openly as soon His painstaking efforts to sounds so fake Rumpus it has proven useful), or if
as he found Rumpus in attain a satisfactory level you’re a Goldman Sachs
an undisclosed location
near Peabody 2 (RIP) on
of beauty consist of daily
workouts and a healthy
TEAVA recruiter, try 808-358-
DICK. If you’re interested
a Saturday night. Being
an open book might be
diet (really, just that?).
Oh, and his “aquamarine-
TORRES in anything more, make
sure he’s no longer dating
second nature for this
trusting first-year, or it
ish eyes,” for which he
insisted on having his
DE SA the beautiful girl whose
identity he would not
might just be the alcohol photo printed in color. most beautiful disclose until the final
he consumed while Charming (and no). NOVELIST drink. “Okay, you got
talking to us. His success goes me drunk now.” Rumpus
Teava grew up in beyond his looks. Teava almost believes him. didn’t push: we wouldn’t
Honolulu. Though his wrote “The Procession With his beauty, be surprised if she was
dad is Brazilian, he is of Days”, a dystopian openness, and lack of gone before this interview
of Tahitian origin: “I’m novel, while attending the apparent interest in is printed.
definitely not perceived same high school Barack consulting or investment Before we let this
as hot back home,” he Obama did, and has a banking, Rumpus Tahitian hottie get away,
admitted.“Everyone 4.0 GPA. He does seek believes there is still Rumpus had one burning,
is Polynesian there.” Photo by Sol Thompson validation of his beauty some hope that Teava lingering question: do
When did he realize he nearly constantly, though. will end up a decent you like vegans?
is beautiful? “I used to school,” he said, showing Insta-worthy photo of “If you had to rank 50 human being. If you’d “I think they are weak.”
be unattractive in high Rumpus a not-quite- his grimacing younger Most, where would I like to ask him for life or —JAKUB MADEJ
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 7
Zoeth Chalat (SM public space is scary,” Photo by Sol Thompson physicality throughout of becoming a camp
’21) is not as interesting Zodi says. Just last week the entire interview. counselor, so he can
as his name, but he is he and his boyfriend were When pressed on his sit around a campfire
much nicer than his “being intimate” when most attractive feature, after a long day of polo,
strong, masculine jawline Zodi’s roommate walked he said, “My gaze.” and tell “sweet stories
makes him appear. He in on them. No, he didn’t “I think I have a good of days gone by.” If
is attractive, like an L.L. join. And, no, Zodi didn’t persistent stare that is Rumpus ran into Zodi in
Bean model, which makes like being so #seen. Did both comforting and ten years to find his hair
you, Tucker? exciting.” Rumpus disheveled and smelling
ZOETH Around campus,
Zodi is known for more
can confirm; we feel
comfortable and
of days worth of natural
odors, we wouldn’t be
CHALAT than looks, apparently.
He plays Club Polo, a
excited.
Another intriguing
surprised. He is a natural
man. Rumpus would
most beautiful sport he picked up just thing about Zodi is be relieved to know he
FLAUTIST last year! While at the that he is not only stayed true to his roots,
extracurricular bazaar, undeclared, but living off the land like a
sense given that he is from his suitemates said, “Bet apathetic to choosing man should.
Cape Elizabeth, Maine, you won’t.” So he did! a major. In the end, Zodi wears a necklace.
but doesn’t make sense Isn’t that crazy? He just he will probably just His mother bought it
since he’s too gay to grow fucking walked onto the pick something at for him as a Christmas
a beard. As if his name Club Polo team, risking random—archeology, present. On it is Saint
and appearance weren’t his life among the horses geology, or maybe Jude, the patron saint
intriguing enough, he and whores of Club environmental studies of lost causes. To those
goes by Zodi and he Polo, all for a chance to so he can fuck Tucker unfamiliar with Zodi,
spells it with an “I” at the straddle those massive in Kroon Hall, the only they’d look at it and think
end because he is, in his beasts and swing his big public building where he is deep or religious.
own words, “dynamic stick (which, Rumpus he would do such a But he isn’t that much
and interesting.” notes, sounds strikingly thing. Zodi seems to be of either. “I just wear it
Zodi and his boyfriend, similar to the scene his a natural nature-lover. because I like it,” he said,
Tucker, haven’t had roommate walked in Zodi doesn’t want to “it looks cool.” Yeah it
But, Zodi doesn’t has confidence—but also
Stacks sex yet. Rumpus on!) He also plays flute use his degree. “The only does, Zodi. And even
think he is that hot. Not humility. What a man! In
tried to convince the pair; in the Davenport Pops use of a degree,” he said, though you may be a lost
in a gross unattractive fact, he tried in earnest to
they politely declined Orchestra, objectively the “is having something to cause, so do you.
self deprecating way; he avoid any mention of his
the invitation. “Sex in a gayest instrument. tell people.” He dreams —DUSTIN DUNAWAY

As Rumpus walked Dancers (YD) where she a relationship herself
into Lawrance A-11, we focuses on ballet. You doesn’t stop her from
spotted an incredibly might find her studying participating in other
wholesome sight: in the depths of hell, aka people’s relationships. As
abundant tea, snacks, Bass Library, in strange the self-proclaimed mom
multi-denominational pretzel-like positions. of her suite, she loves to
holiday decorations, and Faith has danced her provide her suitemates
Faith Tomlin (ES ‘21). In entire life and it’s been with healthy snacks while
fact, the wholesome aura basically her existence preventing them from
about her suite began to for years. On top of YD, making questionable
singe Rumpus’s skin as Faith recently joined the decisions and having fun.
the interview went on, and sorority Alpha Phi. Rumpus doesn’t need a
so we had to cut our time When asked about her mother since we have 3
short. Faith is just about love life, Faith actually loving RumpDaddies, but
as wholesome and square squirmed out of her couch we will note that Faith
as it gets. She clearly must seat like a frightened offered to find Rumpus a
be hiding something, earthworm and exclaimed boyfriend and drive us to
because It’s impossible soccer practice, which we
for someone to be this
pure. Instead of going
FAITH sincerely appreciate.
Listen up boys: if
out, you might find Faith
playing Bananagrams TOMLIN you’re looking
someone who will satisfy
for

and avoiding any other most beautiful your Oedipus complex,
board game which she Faith is your girl, but if Photo by Sol Thompson
“isn’t good at” or that WHOLESOME you want to cuff this Yale
“does not provide instant SQUARE gem, good luck trying to IKEA.” In other words, her that our proprietary impressive part about
gratification.” meet her incredibly high Faith will be single for her beauty algorithm had Faith to be her taste in late
This San Diego beach “yikes!” She continued standards. Truly all she’s entire time at Yale because chosen her fair and square. night food, and someone
babe self-identifies as to explain, “I avoid searching for is someone that person doesn’t exist Her beauty is one of such who endorses putting
“very bendy” which she relationship problems “intelligent, who can here. purity and innocence that french fries in burritos is
may or may not use to her by completely ignoring hold a conversation, has a Faith initially thought Rumpus was delighted to someone we can all have
advantage in a multitude relationships [and Yale sense of humor, and will that her nomination to defile her by taking her faith in. Haha get it?
of situations. Primarily, Men].” However, her deep take her to the sketchy 50 Most was a mistake, interview-ginity. Overall,
she’s a member of Yale set fear of developing trampoline park by but Rumpus reassured we found the most —LINDSAY JOST
8 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
An international humble. “When people London. “It takes you a people are struggling. I Rumpus thinks it totally Simon thinks that calling
student from London, find me funny, it’s a second and a few lectures missed that in my first 19 sucks that Simon had to people by their Instagram
Simon Soros (JE ’20) disgrace. I suck. No, I from your girlfriend to years,” Simon admitted, deal with that. handles is sexy. “I’m no
wanted to make it clear suck. I really suck. Yale be like, wait, people are wistfully sipping from Also, Simon is confused scientologist, but it’s a
that he is not gay. “I’d is vapid, superficial. You suffering, really? Are his glass of Cabernet about assault. Simon is huge turn on,” he said,
definitely say I’m gayer say ‘Chicken Tender you kidding me? Not Sauvignon. a member of Sigma Phi finally putting to rest the
than most straight people. Thursday’ and they everyone, like, doesn’t Simon doesn’t “miss Epsilon. “Sexual assault is rampant rumors that he
But that doesn’t mean I’d laugh.” But don’t worry, have to work? Are you it” now, though. Simon wrong,” Simon declared is a closeted Scientologist.
be gay… I’m not gay,” he Simon isn’t too hard on proudly, which was a Simon knows other
told Rumpus. Mysterious. good start. While Simon ways to a lady’s heart,
When asked if he would
get a piercing, he replied,
SIMON acknowledges that sexual
assault is a problem in
though. When Simon
was a preteen, he started
“I would probably get an
earring. Which one’s the
SOROS fraternities, he doesn’t
think that sexual assault
taking a selfie every day
for a few years. He then
gay one? I’d get both. Just most beautiful is just a problem in Greek compiled these photos
to be sure.” We weren’t CONFUSED Life. Referring to the into a five-minute-long
quite sure what Simon recent Business Insider video complete with
meant by this, and we himself. “Brits have a article on DKE, Simon very sad piano music
weren’t sure Simon knew better sense of irony and argued, “You could and uploaded it to his
either. But Simon Soros self-deprecation. I think replace the name of DKE YouTube (sorosg9). “You
has a cute little British it comes from the fact with the name of, I don’t can really catch me in
accent, so Rumpus let that we are still trying know, like the Dramat…” my depressed phase,”
him get away with it. As to get over how we once At this, Rumpus almost Simon said, which gave
the interview continued, were good at ruling and spit out our wine. He Rumpus pause. Then he
though, it became clear also, like, colonialism,” went on, “I recognize continued, “No, I didn’t
that Simon is confused he informed Rumpus. that fraternities create a [get depressed], but I like
about a lot of things. Simon clearly thinks power dynamic in which to say I did.” Rumpus
For one, Simon is he is funny, because men are placed superior hopes the attention this
confused about his jokes colonialism. Also cancer. to women and therefore article gives Simon will
not always landing. “Everyone is shaving are more likely to render help his chances with “las
He performs stand their heads… What is it, sexual assault but what chicas,” as Simon put it.
up regularly with The cancer? No, go on… It’s Photo by Sol Thompson I’m saying about the The only thing Simon
Opening. During the fine, I know people who Dramat is it’s the person, isn’t confused about is
interview, Simon tried to have it.” Rumpus regrets not the organization.” that publicity means
tell Rumpus a lackluster not informing Simon that kidding?” Simon said, lived in a Himalayan Simon wishes people everything, no matter
joke from one of his bits people with cancer aren’t on the record, for real, to monastery last summer. would stop getting on who it’s from—as his
about a pencil sharpener. bald because they shave Rumpus. People had been “They’re very mean. his case for being part Sig Ep brothers say, “all
When Rumpus didn’t their heads. keeping a lot of secrets They’re very mean to of a fraternity. “There buzz is good buzz.”
laugh, Simon retorted Though Simon is from Simon, we suppose. white people. It sunk are bad apples in every Rumpus is always down
defensively, “well, 200 now active in the Yale Not his ex-girlfriend in what it meant to be a fraternity… just because I to publicize. With this
people laughed at it.” Undergraduate Prison and fellow 50-Moster minority here in America. paid dues to SigEp doesn’t in mind, Simon has a
Rumpus noted that Project, at one point in Zoe Ervolino (see right). I think I can relate. I felt make me concordant with message for the vapid
Simon is counting how time, Simon was confused Rumpus is disappointed it. I think I understand everything to do with the and superficial student
many people laugh at about privilege. For that things didn’t work critical theory. They were fraternity.” Hmmm. population of Yale:
his jokes. Though Simon those of you who don’t out between them, but super mean. Not what Finally, Simon is “Follow me on Instagram.
definitely thinks he’s know, Simon hails from they’re on good terms you’d expect monks to be confused about why girls @themonopolisticfirm.”
funny, he’s quick to act a very wealthy family in now. “She was aware that like,” Simon tried to joke. don’t like him. For context, —DANIEL KAYLOR
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 9
Zoe Ervolino (MC ‘20) she has the chance to. VQ awkward phase. While let’s have a laugh at her we really needed this. as a Pi Phi fleeing the
is a Yale Comedienne™ wanted her, 5H wanted resistant to questions of expense, let her cry about Love you.” Aw, Rumpus rough, foreign grasps of
in the truest sense. She her, and so, now, does flaws and weaknesses, it later, and forget her loves you too, Zoe. a Leo party for the soft,
wears loose pants so Rumpus. And all this our little Zoe responded pain kind of sense. So what is the result traditionalist palms of
she can work on her from a Morse College with zeal to the age-old Zoe had friends in high of this trauma? Is Sig Nu late night. But we
physicality. She let her resident? Transcendent. ice breaker: have you school–unlike Rumpus– Zoe stronger for the digress. The real proof
bangs grow out so she This is not to say that ever been bullied? Yes, and of these friends, Zoe experience? Has she is in one simple request
can see where the scene Zoe is as cool and collected she has–not in a sad, made sure to inform us, learned not to compare she made of Rumpus:
is heading. Her childlike as she seems from the forgettable documentary she was “the DUFF.” “Please make fun of me.”
eyes say “Yes, and” before outside. Zoe had her sense, but in a funny, I know what you’re
thinking. DUFF’s never
ZOE Zoe’s diagnosis is highly
troubling, yet curable.
change, how can she be
a 50 Moster? But she did
ERVOLINO Here’s her prescription:
1. More basketball. Zoe
most beautiful
change, the same way should get back in that
everyone else grew out CLASS CLOWN BK court for a game of
of their awkward phase: knockout to relieve her
by getting cyberbullied herself to others and to stress and grow a pair.
on Tumblr. Pro-tip: never love her flaws? Of course Please, feel free to join her.
make a group Tumblr not. She does comedy 2. Zoe should read this
with your beautiful now. Diagnosis: crippling profile over and over until
friend. While “Hannah” insecurity. she realizes her beauty.
was littered with high Here’s our proof: She 3. Zoe should take some
praise, referred to as “doesn’t know why” she time to herself, away from
“hot” on occasion, one got picked. Transparent. the stage. All those lights
user granted Zoe the Fishing for compliments. will age her beautiful skin.
descriptor of “mad She claims her skincare Drop the bit. Say “No,
ugly.” Mean, we know. routine is to “wash her but” for once. Withdraw
However, not all face.” Come on. Anyone into the now-moldy
responses were so bleak. worth their weight in halls of Morse College
One user told Zoe she clout knows the name and when you emerge
was “gorgeous in her “Mario Badescu.” She’s with the confidence to
own way”, which we a member of Fence, but stand up to your new
would have to agree with, claims to be critical of bully (Rumpus™), just
but still say is remarkably Greek Life. Really Zoe? remember all we’ve done
condescending. Zoe’s We know you’re trying to for you.
Photo by Sol Thompson response? “Thank you, climb that Fence as hard —LYDIA HILL

For most parents, looks from her mother, knew we could never be perfect, you were wrong.
including ours, their faith but her wholesomeness as friends with Haley, but We haven’t yet mentioned
in their child’s ability to well. When asked about we couldn’t turn back. that she’s a Froco in
miraculously become her best feature, she chose In a direct quote, Haley Davenport, or that she
a 10/10 is completely to focus instead on her was adamant about being gives up her weekends to
misplaced, but that isn’t values and personality. “Very single.” Not only teach children to swim, or
so for the mother of Haley “My friends in Psych and is she “on the market,” that she’s a double major
Mitchell-Adams (DC ’18). she is a second-semester in psychology and history
With flawless skin and a
dazzling smile, Haley not
HALEY senior that does not
want anything serious.
of science, medicine, and
public health because
only stole her mother’s
heart but Rumpus’s too. MITCHELL- Yale Hook Up Culture,
it’s your time to shine!
she wants to feel like she
has learned more about
Haley admitted that she
knows she’s beautiful ADAMS Unfortunately for most
of you reading this,
people as a whole, or
that she said lots of other
because her mother loves most beautiful Haley admits that she wholesome cliché things
to send her old pictures needs someone taller that Rumpus could care
VERY SINGLE
of herself and her twin than herself, and the less about.
brother along with the Good Life sent me this absolute shortest she Haley Mitchell-Adams
encouraging messages. weird personality quiz so would go is 5’11”. There’s is the perfect person
What a wholesome family. I took it…The first three hope for the crew team yet! and Rumpus could find
As an afterthought, she (strengths) of mine were The most important thing no evidence that says
added, “My brother is honesty, kindness, and on a date with Haley is for otherwise (trust us, we
also a model, and if he then social intelligence.” it to be “relaxed, with an tried). None of us are
is my twin, I guess there She surrounds herself easy flow of conversation really sure how Haley
is something there.” with others that share and laughter.” Haley’s made it into 50 Most with
(And no, he doesn’t similar values and are ideal date sounds like the no debauchery to brag
attend Yale…Rumpus is just generally warm- poop Rumpus hopes to of, but her drop-dead
disappointed, too.) hearted, good people— take when we finally start gorgeous looks convinced
As the interview Rumpus would like to eating enough fiber, sorry us to let it slide.
progressed, it became know where exactly these mom!
apparent that Haley not people are hiding. At this If you thought Haley —HELIA GAGNON
only inherited stellar point in the interview we couldn’t be any more Photo by Sol Thompson
10 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
“You know when she wasn’t even mad would hurt. That wasn’t because I was so anxious house and every piece of butter…I want to be
you just want to put when her grandma stole the only time she would and my body induced cutlery would be from a called ‘Elio’…I want to
something in your vagina, the spotlight at her bat have hurt Rumpus in an orgasm in the exam different shop.” wear more latex…I want
and take it out? That’s the mitzvah and literally died. bed. The first time she room…I googled it, and Nurit still has many to squirt once. I’ve never
art I want to do. I think You know what they say: touched a penis, she was your body can do that to things she wants to do: “I squirted.” She left us with
vaginas are interesting. when one girl becomes a all, “What the fuck? Why calm you down.” Rumpus want to go on a road trip one final request: “Please
It’s like a pocket in my woman, another woman does your penis have has never orgasmed to in the American South don’t twist my words so I
body,” Nurit Chinn becomes dead. Her friend a heartbeat? Why is it this day, so fuck you, because I want to eat sound insane.” Never.
(DC ’20) mused, as she sang ‘The Climb’ at the alive?” Rumpus is very Nurit. cornbread and jalapeño —CHASE AMMON
twirled a gold necklace, party, so you know it was insecure about our penis. Nurit knows what
customized with her life going to be some kind of His name is Harold. Nurit she wants out of life. “I Photo by Josh Tarplin
mantra: “Trust No Man.” night. works for The Herald. She want to have babies and
She explained, “I think Now, she absolutely is also in Control Group I want to bring my babies
all men are capable of hates male attention. and Fifth Humor. to my job. And I want it
terrible things,” except for Men should know that Nurit may seem to be an all women’s art
her boyfriend, Ben, who Nurit sees herself as “this blasphemous, but she is collective with babies.”
is nice. He agrees with her actually blessed. She has She realizes that in order
mantra, and that’s why it
works. Ben could not be
NURIT a birthmark on her butt
in the shape of a kiss.
to have babies, she would
need a partner, so hasn’t
reached for comment.
‘Nurit’ means
CHINN
most beautiful
“My mum told me I was
kissed by God.” And
ruled out marriage. “I
think I’d do a spiritual
‘buttercup’ in Hebrew; while Nurit has thought wedding. I don’t think I’d
buttercup flowers are BUTTERCUP about shaving her head marry contractually, but I
the female sex organ of to “remove [herself] want to have a wedding
the plant and they’re fleshy little raw baby,” so from the male gaze,” because it sounds fun.”
poisonous, so we think it’s if you look at her, you’re she’s “too connected to Clearly, a well-thought-
a great name for her. She a pervert. She describes [her] hair because of it’s out reason. “The wedding
is a British-Israeli citizen, her style as “things that [her] Jewishness.” Okay has been traditionally
but has lived most of her toddlers might wear,” Samson-a. On the topic patriarchal, so I’m trying
life in London, giving her like onesies, overalls, of body modifications, to think of ways to reform
an irresistible accent. As jumpsuits, and diapers. Nurit would never get it. So, no white dress. I’d
the middle child, Nurit Basically, she is a fully her ladies pierced because wear a red one. I don’t
soon learned that if she grown adult-baby with she can orgasm solely know if I could be walked
wanted attention, she acrylic nails. “Once I put from nipple stimulation. down the aisle because
had to grab it. She once my finger up someone’s She’s not gonna mess of that whole transfer
shoved a coat hanger up butthole. I had a long nail with that. In fact, she can situation, so maybe I
her nose to make it bleed on and I got poop on it.” orgasm more easily than could walk down a spiral
because her little sister’s She didn’t care; she isn’t anyone Rumpus has ever staircase.” But if that
was broken. But as she afraid of poop because met: “Once I orgasmed doesn’t work out, she’s
matured, Nurit got over she is strong. Rumpus is in the middle of taking a fine with finding a buddy
her need for attention still thinking about how history exam…my body and co-parenting. “We’d
because FEMINISM and much a nail to the anus went into this crazy panic live in a really colorful

Rumpus met up with feels good; it feels like past the social politics of as she finished her second
Imani Butler (JE ’20) in home.” Rumpus shed a appearing to Succeed at braid and her second
her suite on a Thursday single, sentimental tear Yale™. She wants us all glass of Moscato.
night, and while it was a into our glass of Moscato. Imani is single. But if
brisk walk, the glowing
vision of Imani braiding
Nobody has the same
composure and control
IMANI you want to take her out
you must go somewhere
her hair with a glass of
moscato twinkling on the
over their body like Imani
- not even Imani! Her
BUTLER Italian and you must
be over the age of 21
table next to her warmed most memorable Woads most beautiful (to drink in the state of
Rumpus’ cold, hungover experience was the night YASS Connecticut). She would
soul. “Let’s spill some she dislocated her knee on love to see a museum,
tea,” Imani remarked the dance floor and had to to remember she’s just but mansplainers beware!
before we could even hit be carried home in drunk an awkward girl. What a Imani is not the type
record on our phone. hysterics by her friends. treasure. of woman that wants
Those who know Imani is a wholesome Although Rumpus had or needs to prove her
Imani Butler (read: soul, and although she’s the privilege of witnessing intelligence, so leave
everyone), know her for “only a good person 5 the goddess herself that shit at the door.
her insane dancing ability. days out of the week,” she moisturize and braid If you don’t have an
She’s been dancing ever loves herself most when her hair after washing it, appointment with her,
since we was little at her she feels comfortable Imani swears that there don’t approach her on
family’s dance studio in enough to be herself. is no secret to her beauty, the street. “I hate random
Queens, and has since She says she’s tired of beyond picking out her niggas on the street. Don’t
joined Rhythmic Blue being lauded over and outfit in the morning talk to me. I don’t want to
and Taps here on campus. talked about (although “because half the time be talked to by you.”
She says “synchronizing that’s literally the point everything else is not on —JOURNEY
Photo by Sol Thompson my body to music just of this article), and she’s point,” she told Rumpus STREAMS
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 11
It’s the middle of the for long before Rumpus selling out, B) you’re not dedicated to Eastern Instagram.” Maks hopes Ex-Wall Street Employee
night, and you’re in Rhode discovered him for 50 even making that much European politics last to one day run a meme Makes Waves in the
Island. More precisely, Most. After admitting money, and C) you’re year. Surely that will grow page of his own focused Meme World. You read it
you’re in the back of a to know from a young getting judged by fucking The Politic’s readership. on the finance industry. here first.
U-Haul truck. With an age that he was beautiful random people.” He also reads the Rumpus can see it now: —CHLOE HELLER
empty keg and seven or thanks to the wise words Maks has many Financial Times, which he
eight other guys, who of his mom, Rumpus striking features, but he admits is “pretty fucking
are absolutely blackout thinks Maks really cannot gets the most comments boring,” but he likes to
drunk. And the cops are claim to be too shocked on his flowing, golden stay up to date on the
there. For what happens by his modeling career locks. “I have pretty markets for when he sells
next, you’ll want to ask and accolades, but he’s distinctive hair, and I his soul to McKinsey. Just
Maks Szwajewski (DC humble nonetheless. think people have this when Rumpus was about
‘20). “I think embarrassing Regardless, Maks had preconceived notion that to suggest he instead read
things are fun to share,” some harsh words I, like, triple moisturize it a certain Yale tabloid,
he says, pensively staring about the industry: “I and quadruple condition which is most definitely
into the middle distance. think fashion is a really it every morning and not boring and will still
Either that or he’s staring shitty industry, and not style it for six hours.” Get keep him up to date
at a spot on the wall of something I either follow real people: ain’t nobody on anything vaguely
GHeav’s second floor. or aspire to in any way. got time for that. Maks important, Maks read our
Maks learned that look I’m a student, not a #WokeUpLikeThis and minds: “I fucking love
during his foray into model.” allegedly doesn’t spend Rumpus. I think it’s the
modeling, during which Maks plans to major much time on his hair at best publication at Yale.”
he walked the runways of in both economics and all. Nice save, Maks.
Europe for designers such philosophy, and half- With the time he saves On that note, Maks
as Prada and Martine ironically dreads selling on his hair routine, Maks continued to speak
Rose. out in the near future. writes for The Politic. from the heart: “I would
After a taste of the But so far his personal As an international encourage everyone at
fashion world, Maks experience with selling student from Poland, Yale to be a little more
decided to prioritize out looks different from he was underwhelmed ridiculous and a little more
other things in his life. Wall Street: “being a with the coverage of stupid at times… do it for
But Maks didn’t choose professional model. Eastern European news the memes.” But what is
the model life, the It’s definitely worse both at Yale and in the his meme of preference?
model life chose him: than going into finance United States in general, “There are a lot of great
he couldn’t hide at Yale because A) you’re already so he started a column finance meme pages on Photo by Sol Thompson

On paper, William into casual conversation. says ‘I still own Yu-Gi-Oh and his girlfriend broke
Kaelin the Third (SY ‘18) He’s secretly nerdy about cards.’” Um ok, Tripp. up. A classic Yale love
is the epitome of Yale professional cycling. And Tripp is into girls who story, indeed.)
Men. He’s a Boston bred he has an irrational fear are passionate and want But Tripp hasn’t
SigEp brother, a history of bees, despite his desire to share their interests in always maintained this
major, and a varsity to own an apiary (a word a sincere way. Oh, and level of sexual prowess.
squash athlete. Not to also brunette. He values During an 8th grade class
mention, he’s a pretty
white boy. We thought
TRIPP emotional receptivity and
“a robust immune system
trip to see the Nutcracker,
he tried to put his arm
we knew what we were
getting into when we sat
KAELIN to guard against diseases
for viable offspring.” Um
around his crush and hit
her on the back of the
down with Tripp, but we most beautiful ok, Tripp. head. He also once sent
couldn’t have been more The one thing he can’t a girl a text that read:
wrong. stand? “Annoying voices. “I think I’m in like with
“I think I inhabit a MANSPREADER If you yell at me and it’s you.”
unique sexual niche like “Nyaaaaah,” I just We’re not gonna lie.
of ‘dad chic corduroy can’t.” We’re still really confused
pants,’” Tripp suggested. that Rumpus has since If any sonorous by Tripp Kaelin. Frat boy,
“I really like it when added to our lexicon). brunettes hope to scholar, athlete. He wears
people are comfortable It’s unclear whether approach Tripp with a self-deprecation almost
with being uncool. I his quirky charm is a Yu-Gi-Oh card in hand, as well as his Dad-chic
aspire to be like that.” carefully cultivated act or you’re out of luck. Tripp corduroy pants. He is so
He wasn’t kidding. just downright weird. is seeing someone. uncool as to be a little too
During our interview, Early in the interview, They started dating last cool. But if Tripp is trying
Tripp sat with his limbs Tripp was eager to share semester after visiting to embody the spirit of
spread everywhere, his tips on meeting the an orchard in search of Yale Men, he’s terrible at
twirling a pen in one perfect partner. “If you “fresh, unpasteurized, it. Instead, he’s given us
hand, all the while saying meet someone interesting, non-chemically treated renewed hope in real Yale
everything humanly give them a Yu-Gi-Oh card apple cider.” You know, men. We think we might
possible to convince us of with your phone number your classic Yale love just be a little bit in like
his utter lack of chill. on it,” Tripp advised. story. (Editor’s Note : with him.
He slips words like “Because then you’re Regrettably, after this
Photo by Sol Thompson “apiary” and “lexicon” making a statement that article was written, Tripp —SOPHIA NAM
12 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Rumpus initially thought the US/Mexico Border of whatever she was
this help came in the rank from 1840-1860? Tide learning in class at that
form that most Yalies POD®. Packing a bag to time. War and Peace?
engage in—under-the- explore the Appalachian More like More and
counter chicken tenders trail after graduation? Please!
from Durfee’s, extra- Sounds fun, make sure to If reading this has
potent Tic-Tacs from bring some Tide PODS® impressed upon you
STM—but evidently not! anything at all and filled
After our interview, Julia
reached out to clarify JULIA you with a desire to
meet true inspiration,
that anything construed
as such was simply a FLEMING- Julia would like you to
know that she spends

DRESSER
misunderstanding. Julia a lot of time in the
is one of the cleanest Timothy Dwight area.
people out there, all The peripheral space
thanks to the purifying most beautiful really lets her go at her
power of Tide PODS® TIDE AD own speed, which isn’t
Ultra OXI Laundry very fast so she won’t be
Detergent. hard to catch up to. One
Whether it’s with along! last thought Julia wished
friends or as an easy Once she satisfies her to impart on the student
individual snack on the craving with a super body: “Just because I’d
go, Julia thinks nothing affordable, linen-and- probably die in a bear
Photo by Sol Thompson can beat this tasty, simple cotton-friendly treat, fight, doesn’t mean the
laundry pack. Heading Julia will channel her bear will be walking
Have you ever at Rumpus, we’re much Fleming-Dresser (TD ’19) to work in the art room artistic talents into truly away without a scratch.”
wandered throughout too busy infiltrating the isn’t afraid to get lost in in Timothy Dwight? original outlets. One time, We hope not, Julia. We
campus caught in a Yale Corporation being her dreams, even if she Tide POD®. Staying she hosted a radio show hope not.
daydream? Have you real journalists to be requires a little help to get up late researching the called “Poetry and Prose”
ever gotten lost because distracted by the small, her there. Construction of the where the themes for her —CARLOS VELEZ
you’ve been overcome by everyday pleasures of What sort of help does Wilderness Imaginary on playlist were reflective
a flower in bloom? Here life. But not Julia! Julia Julia rely on, you ask?

People like Harry Kahn between Jean-Ralphio Tarantino films as he is in basement; we meant to to get hammered and fucboi in disguise.
(JE ‘21) simply aren’t and Andrew Garfield. the Classics and “delving say he lied right through go to Woads. In Harry’s That’s not to say Harry
supposed to exist in real He’s as interested in Wes into more esoteric subject his immaculate teeth. inebriated mind, this was hasn’t been denied a few
life. He’s been called a mix Anderson and Quentin material,” which Rumpus There’s no doubt he was the perfect opportunity to times, or that he doesn’t
took as a silent nod to laughing to himself when show off his “spectacular” have his own “hazy
Harry’s probable stash of he thought we wouldn’t dance moves to his night at Toads” or “wild
90’s literotica. His music catch him in the act, friends. A bowl of “trash Sig Ep party” stories. In
taste ranges from The but Harry screwed up can punch” taken later fact, the only definitive
Velvet Underground to big-time when Rumpus from Box 63 served as statement Rumpus could
indie rock to hip-hop, asked him “When did a perfect drink to end get from Harry about his
and of course he plays Harry’s perfect night (as craziest hookup story was
the guitar. Once you add
his great personality,
HARRY far as he remembers it at
least). As far we we can
this: “undisclosed frat
basement; another person
fantastic laugh,
jewfro, Harry has the
and
KAHN remember (which isn’t
very far), a perfect night
walked down.” Um...
So what type of
makings of a classic fake most beautiful for Rumpus ends with romantic encounter does
Tinder account white Yale LOWKEY(?) FUCBOI booting in the nearest this beautiful Yale Man
boi. trash can. want most? “It’s gotta be
But Harry is, in fact, you realize you were Apparently, Harry’s moonlit, apple orchard,
real, and Rumpus would beautiful?” Harry then looks, and not his penis, wandering aimlessly,
discover a great many recounted how he’s are the hardest part of with Cara Delevingne or
things about Harry as known all along, ever his life at Yale. Not only Margot Robbie (as her
our interview progressed. since he stole a kiss from do they demand that he character from Suicide
“Yeah, I was surprised. an eighth-grade girl when work out eight to nine Squad).” Rumpus loves
I laughed. I didn’t tell he was in fifth grade! times a day to maintain ambition. When asked
anyone,” Harry said When Rumpus was in peak physical form, but why Harry’s ideal
with a classic Hollywood fifth grade, we were still they’ve also impacted his encounter sounded like
smile and swagger. peeing the bed. So yeah, romantic life. Distraught, a great way to commit
Tom Hanks Hollywood, “I was surprised” my ass. Harry told Rumpus “I’m an unsolved murder, he
that is, not Weinstein or The story of Harry’s just overwhelmed; I’m offered no comment. It
Spacey Hollywood. Wait, best night at Yale constantly swarmed by seems there are still more
did we say Harry was mystified Rumpus even beautiful girls and I hate things about Harry that
surprised to make the more. On a Wednesday to break so many hearts Rumpus - and the rest
list? Rumpus could smell night during reading out here.” Rumpus is of the world - has yet to
Harry’s bullshit if it were period, Harry and some confused whether Harry uncover.
Photo by Sol Thompson
hiding in the Branford friends responsibly chose is truly lowkey or just a —MILES WAITS
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 13
Lucy Tomasso (GH from Marathon to Athens the demon queen she could only assume was a
’19), in many ways, eludes and a victory in IM ping played in She Kills euphemism for the Yale
us. Her self-described pong. Lucy, amused but Monsters her freshman population en masse,
“low speaking voice” unperturbed, was still year. Why? Among more given her collection
belies her ringing soprano there. Under the dim substantive reasons, of certifications. What
(jazz hands included). glow of the New Haven which Rumpus chose certifications, you ask?
Romantically, she prefers streetlights, we made our not to publish, Lucy Lucy listed off her
“short trysts,” but is in way to Commons, where told us that swinging manifold certifications in
a long-term relationship we spent the next hour or her character’s battle rapid-fire fashion: scuba
with the theater. Are so somewhat awkwardly axe was “exhilarating.” diving, lifeguarding,
Lucy Tomasso and Lucy dancing but mostly trying “Violence makes me hot” babysitting…babysitting?
Powers the same person? to avoid eye contact with is a phrase that has come Yes, babysitting.
How did she commission an unnamed suitemate out of Lucy’s mouth. We Despite holding a
Michelangelo to sculpt DFMO’ing so close we leave it to the reader to certification for taking
her Uffizi-worthy could see tongue. Rumpus determine the context, care of other people’s
eyebrows 454 years after and Lucy did not DFMO, but Rumpus got the sense children, Lucy admitted
his death? And more that night. that Lucy doesn’t relate that she has a distinct “fear
importantly, why aren’t It was only fate that we to prey animals. She also of marriage.” Curious,
her immaculate brows should meet again two admitted that her mom we pressed further. Lucy
the same color as her years later, of legal age to and dad had to get drinks elaborated that she would
fair tousled locks? Not consume alcohol in the before the show because much rather live in a
wanting to start off on state of Connecticut, so of her outfit, which was a commune with a bunch
the wrong foot, Rumpus Rumpus could bombard bit much for their parental of her friends. Basically,
neglected to ask Lucy Lucy with questions sensitivities. Rumpus Lucy never wants to leave
all of these questions in about her personal life in would like to get trashed college. Rumpus is taking
person. It still haunts us a packed bar surrounded with Lucy’s parents and Sex, Markets, and Power
to this day. by real adults. Rumpus find out who does her this semester, so we can
True to our nature, ordered a Dark Russian. If eyebrows. confirm that marriage is
Rumpus was late for you want to read into that, Lucy could never see some scary shit. We then
our interview: drinks at it probably means we see herself with a blonde, informed Lucy that this
Barracuda. Missing Lucy ourselves as The Dude if which works just fine for whole commune thing
amongst the crowd, we he discovered that dairy this Rumpus staffer, who sounded suspiciously like
hurried to the restroom turned his bowels into an would stand out amongst a front for an orgy cult.
for our ritual pre- active volcano. Lucy, by the crew team like a Our gazes met, and Lucy,
interview poop. Passages chocolate mousse in a sea with a twinkle in her eye, Photo by Nina Goodheart
cleansed, we stepped out
to see her seated - aloof,
LUCY of Twinkies. And Lucy is
indeed single. However,
sipped her Mojito.
Rumpus would like to MenTM as palate cleansers this Yale Man has proven
yet poised - at the near
end of the bar. Rumpus
TOMASSO potential suitors beware:
Lucy divulged that she
leave our readers with a
hot take from a previous
for other Yale MenTM.”
Alas - a vicious cycle of
quite adept in the kitchen.

and Lucy exchanged a most beautiful “dislikes incompetence,” issue; quoth Lucy, “I terribly unseasoned food. —NICK ADEYI
cordial embrace. We were PALATE a catchall which we honestly only use Yale As fortune would have it,
not strangers.
February 2016, the time we arrived, had
Freshman Screw - ordered a Mojito, which
Rumpus walked into the probably means she likes
crowded Old Campus Mojitos. Thankfully she
common room, looking didn’t pull any more basic
for our date. Taped shit like that during the
to our chest was the rest of our interview.
score to Fetty Wap’s Not wanting to waste
generation-defining any time, Rumpus began
musical masterpiece, Trap our questioning. Lucy is
Queen. We quickly found from nearby Farmington,
our date and hit it off CT, where she was uncool
instantly - she a radiant in public school because
thespian, he a…decent she was angsty and wore
conversationalist - that beanies. It’s unclear
is until it was time to go whether her angst and
and we realized we had knitwear made her cooler
forgotten our ticket! at her arts high school,
Summoning all the which we imagine to have
vestiges of our high been a cross between Glee
school track career, and High School Musical,
Rumpus sprinted all the with less sports and more
way to TD and back, a hormonal acne. Rumpus
feat of athleticism that hasn’t seen Glee or High
will go down in history School Musical. Sue us.
somewhere between Lucy loves to perform.
Pheidippides’ fabled dash Her favorite role? Lilith,
14 R U M P U S yalerumpus.com

MAKENA followed
around, it would end
someone for a bribe.” “It was like
4am […] and suddenly

ITHAU with a restraining order…
not a committed, long-
out of nowhere this dude
comes with handcuffs
most beautiful term relationship. and is shouting ‘Get in
For their one-year the car! I’m the police!
JAILBIRD anniversary, Makena and Get in the car!’” Rumpus
Some people are so her boo went to a bougie knows this sounds like
unbelievably good- dinner in New York. the beginning of a poorly
looking that it affects Unfortunately, the two written porno; but hey...
every aspect of their lives. lovebirds forgot to make art imitates life. The rest
Makena Ithau (MC ’20) is a reservation in time of Makena’s night out
one of those people. and got sat in a “really went to shit. Seriously:
But it wasn’t always shitty table right by the she was thrown in a jail
that way. According to kitchen.” Fortunately, cell that was covered
Makena, she “did a full as “the most beautiful in human feces. “I was
360” sometime between couple the manager had wearing these really nice
middle school and ever seen,” the pair was heels that I have and I
college. Makena told moved to a “nicer table” got so mad because I was
us about how she “was that they “deserved.” like ‘I’m looking so good
an ugly kid to the point As Makena tells it, “they and wasting an outfit
where [her] mom would literally moved us to at the police station.’”
be like ‘I can’t believe I Photo by Sol Thompson a really nice table on a Sounds like the human
let you out of the house… platform and right above kind of waste was the real
you were so ugly.’” Don’t if Makena’s career goals has never personally everyone.” problem. The worst part
of how persistently she
worry: the preteen with (plastic surgery) go as felt beautiful, happy, or Not all of Makena’s of it all? Always losing
was getting hit on. The
a face that not even a planned. “As much as the confident, but it certainly life is as glitz and glam as Never-Have-I-Ever.
couple met when he
mother could love is now world today will try to say sounds nice. she is. This summer, the Makena is beautiful,
was a counselor for her
Y Fashion House’s go-to that [outer beauty] is not Being as hot as Makena former Catholic school but she says that “[being
orientation group and got
model, so there’s hope important, when someone is can be tough: last girl was out clubbing beautiful] is not really
together after she decided
still for us regular people. feels what they view as spring break, she had to with her friends in Kenya something I keep on my
she was “gonna follow
If you didn’t make 50 beautiful it just makes change her phone lock when she was arrested mind.”
that man around until he
Most this year, have no you so much happier and screen to a picture of by police who “will do —LYDIA SCHOOLER
notices me.” If Rumpus
fear! You too can be hot more confident.” Rumpus her boyfriend because anything to arrest you

The first thing Alexi Despite his Pacific idea. The result was a
Photo by Sol Thompson
Christakis (PC ‘20, no Northwestern urges dating app called “All
relation) wants you to to chill, Alexi won’t be Men are Dogs,” in which
know about him is that satisfied living passively. users match by swiping
he doesn’t take things He describes himself as on each other’s canine
very seriously. He plays an entrepreneur, inspired companions. Move
Ultimate Frisbee, he by his friend’s uncle who aside Mother Teresa,
wears fun cardigans, used the money from we’re making the world
and he studies computer his successful phone sex a better place through
science, but like in a chill hotline to found two of the power of technology
way, you know? The one Seattle’s largest weed and love.
time during our interview dispensaries. But our incredible
that Alexi broke his laid- and revolutionary app
back persona was to rail
against the the students ALEXI would probably not
create suitable matches
who took Laurie Santos
at her word when she CHRISTAKIS for Alexi, whose wavy
hair and perfectly
joked that she would most beautiful manicured eyebrows
give everyone taking contrast the scruffy
Psych and the Good Life MACKLEMORE features of his two bangers and trap music.” interview, Alexi looked up about Yale as a whole,
a D. “There’s a lot that IMPERSONATOR dogs, a pair of rescued While remembering his from his Maison Mathis he ruminated, “I’ve
can be done living in the mutts. According to him, awkward tween days, latte and apologetically enjoyed being around
moment more, chilling But Alexi rejects however, this was not he remarked “receiving told Rumpus “I feel like on campus...” He took a
out,” he reflected, wishing the dream of being an always the case. Alexi says this award has made me I’m not giving you very long pause to reflect, then
he was back home in entrepreneur “for the he was bullied in middle realize how attractive much material right summarized, “It’s been
Seattle where chilling out sake of being one.” school for having an I am,” and expressed now,” despite our deep fun.” Rumpus could say
is a way of life. Though he For him, the priority is enormous nose, as well as worry that the honor of dives into his social life the same about our time
lives in the Elm City now, making the world a better for performing in a band being selected for 50 Most on campus. For example, with Alexi, who snatched
Alexi’s heart truly lies place. In order to achieve that exclusively covered would cause him to get a Alexi is a member of our heart as though it
back in his home town, this goal, Alexi and the Macklemore. Luckily, the big head, further swelling Fence Club, on which were a Frisbee sailing
which he says “really has Rumpus engaged in a rest of his face grew to his nose to gargantuan he remarked “I like it.” over Cross Campus on a
it all. There’s like a lake brainstorming session accommodate his nose as size. Additionally, when mild spring afternoon.
nearby, there’s the ocean to produce a world- he pubesced, and his taste At one point in the asked what he has liked — ZACH KREISER
as well, and hiking.” changing, billion-dollar in music shifted to “EDM
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 15
we consider it our Serious explode! Thanks, softbois, up some vibes here? interview, as Kat was
Journalistic Duty to take for looking out for the But back to the roast. In standing up to leave
on that mantle. Starting ladyfolk. middle school, Kat wore a Bass L30B and head
with the fact that she Kat once studied bright pink Abercrombie somewhere with way
says things like “I’m not abroad in Berlin, more social capital,
a personality that’s often
roasted.”
which she rightfully
acknowledges as “a trope KAT Rumpus saw the last
glimmer of hope begin
Kat is part of Miss/
Chief, the WOC DJ
in itself,” and had a grand
old time. She once spent WANG to vanish on the horizon.
We had to ask now. “Hey,
collective you’ve 21 hours straight in a club, most beautiful Kat, last question,” we
definitely seen Instagram “not even on anything, said. “Do you remember
stories about. This is just drinking Club Mate. UNROASTABLE matching with us on
extremely cool, and we And I ate one banana and Tinder?”
can’t roast her for it. We I danced for 21 hours. I sweatsuit to school and Kat paused, and
can, however, roast her cannot even tell you how thought she was hot shit, smiled the kind of smile
for referring to DJing many days I spent in bed but we all did that in a benevolent god might
as a “craft,” which she after that.” Rumpus is middle school, so that’s bestow upon a devoted
did repeatedly. You’re exhausted just thinking a pretty empty roast. She believer. “Yes,” she
queueing up songs on a about it. She also went used the word “space” said simply, “I actually
Macbook, Katharine! It to KitKatClub, “THE sex like forty-nine times in thought of that when I got
doesn’t exactly require club of Berlin,” and while the interview, in both your email.” Rumpus felt
an apprenticeship. But she was very clear that the academic and non- like Timothée Chalamet
maybe we’re wrong about she’s “not someone who academic sense, and we at the end of Call Me By
that, because Kat told us a engages in that sort of stuff feel like that’s pretty Your Name when Armie
story about how fellow sexually,” it seems to have roastable. She also used Hammer calls to say
Miss/Chief member rubbed off on her at least to be a pre-med, YCC- he’s getting married but
Raquel (50 Most ‘16) was a little bit, considering her affiliated frat star, which that he still remembers
once DJing at Boiler Room house hosted an orgy last we can roast her for, but everything from their
Photo by Josh Tarplin and got comments from semester. then she “came to [her] time together. Sufjan
dudes like “who let a girl At this point we were senses” and became an Stevens played in our
behind there? Did she seriously wondering if Kat off-campus gallery guide head. And then we said
Katharine Wang (BR our conversation, and
get lost?” And obviously remembered matching American Studies major our goodbyes, and she
‘19), does not get roasted it’s not hard to see why.
random dudes at Boiler with Rumpus on Tinder, who hosts events at drifted into the ether
very often. Rumpus Who could possibly roast
Room are experts about because that really did Partners, which we… can like the sweetest kind of
knows this because she someone as gorgeous,
everything. They were happen, we promise, we also roast her for. Huh. mirage.
said so herself. “I feel cool, funny, and well-
probably worried that have screenshots if you Clearly Kat’s friends just
like I’m not a personality dressed as she is? But
curating a Spotify playlist don’t believe us, and aren’t trying hard enough. — MARIAH
that’s often roasted,” we here at Rumpus are
would make her ovaries were we maybe picking At the end of our KREUTTER
Kat confessed during Serious Journalists, and
16 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
“I’ve never had oysters. refused to divulge any of word performances on Grace isn’t a fan of Yale is passionate about. For caught in her scheme.
Isn’t this supposed to be her current schemes, we YouTube. “When I first Men. “In the romantic example, someone very And then, she lit up:
an aphrodisiac?” Grace guessed that being a part joined Word, every poem sphere, I haven’t been into music might show “Maybe, like the airplane
Alofe (JE ’18) asked as of 50 Most would help I wrote was politically particularly impressed, me how something is thing.” Aha! Rumpus had
she lifted a single oyster with at least one ;) charged, which was a but I didn’t come in with produced.” Rumpus finally cracked her. Would
peppered with Tabasco Grace is one of the function of my experience high expectations, so I agrees. That would make we join the mile high—
to her lips. “I like it. The most involved students at Yale at the time. haven’t been strongly for an unforgettable date. “Actually, no. Never
texture is a little weird at Rumpus has ever met. Poetry was the way that disappointed.” Rumpus “But if it ends in dessert— mind. That’s too tight of
first. If I look at it for too She is a Froco, a Head I took on the voice of an
long, I get a little freaked Tour Guide, an MCDB activist.” When asked
out.” Rumpus took Grace major, a Recruitment her favorite line of poetry
to Florian hoping the Coordinator, a researcher from that time, Grace
sexual power of the oyster at a reproductive biology replied: “‘You better steal

GRACE
might help us finally win everything your hands
over her heart, but she can carry.’ That’s the last
shut down our every line of a poem I wrote
attempt at flirtation. “Am
I single? That is a very
ALOFE from the perspective
of the motherland. The
most beautiful
loaded question. Can I African continent. I’m
pass?” Rumpus realized SCHEMER first generation Nigerian-
that Grace wasn’t going to American, so it was
be caught saying anything lab, a poet with Word, supposed to be from the
incriminating. She knew and president of the Black motherland to me as
Rumpus has a propensity Solidarity Conference. “It someone who, for a very
to take a person’s words is the largest student-run long time, had largely
out of context. Not conference that brings denied that part of my
today, Rumpus, Grace together students of color identity.” She’s not just
schemed as she sipped at the collegiate level a poet, though. “I’m
Chardonnay. in the country. It’s held absolutely going to write
For context, Grace is at Yale every year and a memoir. The working
a self-identified schemer. was founded in 1995, so title is: You Are Not Crazy: Photo by Sol Thompson
“In every sense of the this was the 23rd year. Lessons in Love and
word, schemes are a part This year’s theme was Other Things. It would
of me. A scheme is a plot, Deconstructing Sex, be a collection of essays, is glad that we gave like molten chocolate lava a space and I don’t think
often times kept under Sexuality, and Gender in somewhat chronological. up on wooing Grace cake—then that’s a great that’s hot.” The scheme
wraps for most of its the Black Community. I like looking at writing after appetizers because thing.” Grace neither lived on.
duration, that can be either It went really well…I in the same way I look we would have been a confirmed nor denied if Our busy friend had
short or long-term. It ends was very proud that we at a science problem. strong disappointment. she’d be open to other to leave Florian early
in serious benefit for the managed to pull that off What are the best ways to For those who hope to happy endings. for a Froco meeting,
schemer often without and do it in a way that did arrange words to construe impress Grace, read on: Hoping to break so Rumpus ate her
other people knowing not isolate anyone from an idea?” Rumpus likes her ideal date would Grace’s poise, Rumpus complimentary Chocolate
the grand picture. For the conversation based on to look at writing in the “have to include food asked her to describe Mousse. It was, perhaps,
me, they’re so long term however they identified.” same way we look at sex. and dessert. I also really her sexual fantasy. “No Rumpus’ greatest
that I don’t want people If you’re not We spew a lot, there are like dates that are clearly sexual fantasy comes to scheme—a happy ending
involved until they need impressed yet, watch too many comma splices. planned out and reflect mind.” Great, Rumpus for one.
to be involved.” While she one of Grace’s spoken Speaking of sex, something the person thought. We were still —CHASE AMMON
In 2015, 42% of bee a pretty prolific pollinator as Rumpus has mixed still sees a similar late-
colonies collapsed in the himself. feelings about Christmas bloomer trajectory for Photo by Josh Tarplin
United States. The EPA Jasper mentioned that Vacation). Jasper attended Pete not dissimilar to his
cites invasive mites, loss a Quaker school in his own. When prompted to
of habitat, and pesticide
use as likely causes for JASPER youth, but when he got
a little bit older (and
offer some sage advice
to all the other Pete

PROUVOST
the epidemic, but we a little bit hotter) he Wheelers out there who
are still unsure what decided to set out, sow have yet to flower, Jasper
exactly is plaguing the his wild Quaker Oats was frank: “Be genuine,
most beautiful
beautiful, vital pollinators and complete the natural be kind,” and of course “a
of American crops. next step of his WASP nice Oxford goes a long
Luckily, that is not the WASP evolution by attending way.”
case with the common Yale University. Further becoming a
WASP. Here at Yale, their he is French roughly a Of all playable parody of himself, Jasper
colonies have thrived dozen times during the Backyard Baseball admits that he likes to
and grown to the extent interview, which is odd characters, Jasper thinks hit the squash court from
that they warrant street because Facebook says he that he most resembles time to time.
addresses. Our beautiful is from Chevy Chase, MD. lanky little Pete Wheeler Like most Yalies,
WASP, Jasper Prouvost Jasper is about as funny as (a usual benchwarmer, in Jasper finds himself
(JE ’19), is Queen WASP you’d expect a guy from a Rumpus’s recollection). enamored with his hotter
at SigEp, and Rumpus place called Chevy Chase Jasper looked past Pete’s fraternity brother, Max
suspects that he, though to be (this is very open to exterior when selecting Lukianchikov.
not a noble honey bee, is personal interpretation, him for his lineup, and —HANK LOUGHLIN
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 17
“When did I first learn I hoe to farm boy and a become infamous over thousand. his nature, he let us in on any expectation to rule
was beautiful? Honestly? ho. “I’ve like shed much campus for his beauty and Schlenker has done a little-known fact: “I’m alongside Schlenker. He
Maybe Yale. There are no of my farm boy past,” charm. “I got a thousand well at ruling his kingdom. a Cancer. Cancers have isn’t just going to put
gays in North Carolina. Schlenker declares, “farm matches on tinder. I got Rumpus learned that Max huge hearts. I’m a very out for any old foot-
Then I got to Yale and the boy became King Gay.” it in November and in has conquered 11 of the 14 emotional human being. fetish freak; besides, this
attention was something Rumpus agrees with January I got a thousand realms in the residential It’s impossible for me not semester he has seniors

MAX
I wasn’t used to.” this pauper-to-prince matches,” Schlenker college college (PSA for in mind. Why a special
Rumpus sat down with transformation for the boasted. “Isn’t that wild?” Trumbull, Branford, and focus on the class of 2018?
Max Schlenker (ES ‘20) iconic gay. The CCE, Head Rumpus would like to Hopper) and the classes “Seniors are leaving, and
to discuss his transition
from farm boy with a
Recruitment Coordinator,
and Head Tour Guide has
point out that we were
not amongst those lucky
of ’17, ’18, ’19, and ’20
have all been graced by
SCHLENKER I was like, I can’t just let
them go?”
most beautiful
his royal sceptre. So, Schlenker has proven
what type of man gets KING GAY that while he lives
lucky enough to honor amongst the gods on Yale’s
the king? “It’s always the to feel things.” campus, a part of him still
meek white boys who Schlenker gave relishes that sweet farm
have massive dick sizes.” Rumpus an exclusive boy who simply wants
The title has come insight into the fragile to find love amongst
with more than just and tender heart that many. When prompted
subjects – Schlenker exists within. He revealed for a final remark as to
woefully admitted it to us that all he is looking how he wants to be seen,
comes with an image for is a nice husband to Schlenker proclaimed,
he does not deserve. “I settle down with and “People don’t think I
have a problem with that have three kids. The have as many feelings as
title. People are like, ‘Gay requirements to become I do, you know? Like the
Icon,’ ‘King Gay.’ I’m a Queen aren’t too specific popular pretty girl that
human being and it’s a — as long as you’re like, her character is never
little bit objectifying,” he within the 190-pound fleshed out in the movies
reveals. Schlenker is more range, have a beard, are and so on. I have thoughts
than his fame. He wants a polyglot, and love to and feelings too.”
people to know he is a give foot massages. By
human with emotions. this point, Rumpus had —FATIMA ABAROA
Photo by Sol Thompson Pressed for evidence to given up on fulfilling

“Yeah, I do it every stumbled upon the look are “very important in on the 60 bus from Port
two or three weeks. I after experimenting with defining where your face Authority back to Jersey
just stand in the shower longer hair, which he is when you don’t have — that should be in the
in Pierson - naked - and nixed to prevent “going hair,” Jack admits that he piece. Go New Jersey!”
just kind of do it by feel. into full geisha mode,” wasn’t shocked when he While Jack has failed to
When it’s crisply shaved, and then a true skin shave received his nomination. distance himself from his
you just feel like aaahh, in high school which He’s been asked to model roots in the Armpit-of-
you know?” also ceased after, as he for photography sessions America, he luckily has
That was probably laments, “classmates got before, which he attributes found an extracurricular
the weirdest response concerned that I was ill.” to “being distinctive undertaking that can at
to “congratulations on We’re glad that he’s more than anything least preserve whatever
your selection to 50 arrived at his current else.” Highlighting this iota of class New Jersey
Most” Rumpus has ever look, which is a clean fact are the distinctive, hasn’t sucked out of
received. Then again, Jack two millimeters from the bright red socks he wore him already. Jack hosts
Kyono (PC ‘20) is not scalp. It’s not all positives, to this interview. His an artsy-ass radio show,
your typical Yalie. And though. Besides rendering inspiration: “I was on a “In Transit,” which runs
before we continue, we New Haven winters even train in Brooklyn at one on Fridays from 1-2 PM.

JACK
more unbearable, the am and there was this The show hopes that its
most annoying aspect sleeping hipster couple listeners “will be brought
of his lack-of-hairstyle and all of the sudden the along on a narrowly
KYONO is that he constantly
receives celebrity
guy started coughing and
threw up all over himself!
tailored journey from
POINT A to POINT B.”
most beautiful
lookalike comments. He was wearing red socks You know a radio show
IRA GLASS The weirdest one? That and that memory was just is going to impress the
would belong to one of burned in my mind. The people in your car when
should establish that Jack our very own editors-in- next time I went shopping the description gives you
was (probably) talking chief, who reportedly has I just got some, and now I no clue as to what the
about his closely cropped drunkenly approached wear them a bunch.” fuck it’s supposed to be
head. In fact, Rumpus Jack several times to In fact, New York about. You’re welcome
was afforded the unique inform him that he looks public transportation for the plug, Jack.
opportunity to feel his like music reviewer and seems to be the common
buzz, and can confirm D-List celebrity Anthony denominator in Jack’s —ZACH GLASS
that it made us feel like Fantano. 50 Most experience thus
aaahh. But it wasn’t Be it due to the cut far. He explains, “I got
always like this — he only or his eyebrows, which the email from Rumpus Photo by Sol Thompson
18 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Alex Weyerhaeuser advances of lacrosse boys asked about her rise to her well for life in nothing) giving tours of sickeningly angelic and
(GH ‘20) wasn’t always and the creepy come-ons beauty, Alex had much Bingham. “On the hippie Yale. Worry not, Rumpus pure as this lovely tour
ravaged by the unfair from section assholes. to say about her humble commune, we met these readers, Alex still has a guide is, she is still not
pressures of beauty. In One friend lovingly beginnings. “I had a two sheep that hated us. lot of fun. During our above the allure of a
high school, she never dubbed her “conehead” horrible middle part. One They were the meanest interview, she regaled European accent, tree
thought her life would
entail rebuffing the
after seeing her high
school photos. When
boy in highschool kept
calling me ‘hammerhead’
sheep ever.” These
sheep are probably ALEX trunk legs, and a trust
fund. That’s right, a

WEYERHAUSER
because my eyes were the only two entities member of the crew team
far apart. Those were on this earth capable is rowing not so gently
definitely my awkward of disliking someone most beautiful down Alex’s stream. A
years.” Since then she so genuine and full senior rower from the
has left any trace of of life, qualities that HAMMERHEAD UK , Sholto Carnegie,
awkwardness behind. If are unknown to the SHARK captured her heart with
Alex is a hammerhead likes of Rumpus. his manly hand blisters
shark, then we’re all just Alex spent the rest of her Rumpus with stories of and intimidating height.
sea slugs swimming in gap year in Australia and double-fisting champagne Their epic love story is
the great cesspool that is eventually returned back bottles, passing out on the Yale equivalent of a
Yale. to Boston, trading soul- peppermint schnapps, Disney film; Alex reported
A shocking glow up searching and travel for dancing the night away that they first locked eyes
isn’t the only thing that elitism and Toad’s. at Ultra in Croatia, at her Camp Yale Woads,
marked Alex’s transition Beautiful AND and much more! The the birthplace of all true
from highschool to college. involved, Alex scatters bartenders at Box got to love. Sholto finally got his
She left behind “playing her time across many see just how much fun chance when they were
it safe” beginning with different activities; when Alex is when she held her set up together at Pi Phi
her edgy gap yah. Along she isn’t working to 21st birthday party there formal this past spring.
with her best friend, Alex preserve the environment, in February, despite being While I’m sure Alex and
backpacked through she’s working to preserve a regular for the past two the rest of the Crew Team
Europe before her her ~social capital~ by years. The law is no match will be sad to see him
freshman year, working organizing social events for this fun gal! graduating, the rest of the
on organic farms. She for Pi Phi. She can also Alex was very open in Yale Men are counting
even joined a hippie often be seen (amidst tiger sharing the enchanting down the days.
commune and lived in moms taking notes and details of her Yale Love —ANDI
Photo by Sol Thompson a teepee for an entire three forty-two year old Story. Prepare to be VON HILSHEIMER
month, which prepared women taking pictures of disappointed, boys. As

When meeting someone and probably had his ideal romantic partner 24/7”. Rumpus is offering
as illustrious as Ward own team watching the would be “chill” and a $50 Olives and Oil gift
1 Alder Hacibey room through CCTV and “funny” but also a bit card to anyone who has
Catalbasoglu, one tries a mic bug attached to “weird”. Hacibey is information about what
their best to stay calm pretty chill: goes on in this chamber,
and collected in the face
of true power. Rumpus HACIBEY he’s
fighting
been because Hacibey refused
to divulge. When pressed
sat waiting, imagining
what the real Hacibey CATALBASOGLU for the
legalization
further to give up some
steamy Aldermanic water
might be like; the man most beautiful of marijuana cooler gossip, Hacibey
inside the Alder waiting even though said only that he’s “heard
to come out and dazzle. POLITICIAN he doesn’t the phrase first lady of
When Hacibey arrived, “cheef”. Ward 1 thrown out there”
passing into Rumpus’s H a c i b e y (someone get Rumpus in
living room with the Judy, the special friend of can also get a bit weird contact).
coy elegance of a young one of Rumpus’s lonelier himself: his favorite color H a c i b e y
Richard Nixon, we were roommates. Hacibey let is orange, which besides may seem like the
shocked at how down- on to these surveillance from complementing his reincarnated JFK you
to-earth, how just-like-us intrusions early on in autumn palates shows always knew you wanted
this titan of local politics our chat, unable to take everyone “how unique I but never thought you
really was. his eyes off of Judy and am”. needed, but under the
Rumpus, asking finally asking “Is that a Small talk out façade of Aldermanic Photo by Sol Thompson
a few biographical sex doll.” of the way, Rumpus got glory lies the visage of a
questions as Hacibey What Hacibey down to the serious young man, just like you their snapchat, which of to his Sig Ep brothers
settled himself in, noticed didn’t know is that business: the Aldership. or Rumpus, just another he uses to share his art (“Sig ep is alright”); he
that something seemed Rumpus’s kinks Asked about politics, person with hopes and (he started taking black doesn’t believe in the
to be distracting our frequently involve Hacibey really opened dreams. Just like you or and white photographs patriarchy, and will not
Alder. Rumpus pressed government surveillance, up. He confessed that Rumpus, Hacibey hopes after seeing black and open jars of tomato sauce
on, determined to know which is why the NSA politics is “a lot of fun”, one day to share a meal white photographs in for anyone. Just like the
the particulars of the ghosted us freshman that he’s “learning a with “George W. Bush the movie Get Out); he rest of us, Hacibey loves
man behind the mask, year. When questioned lot”, that his staff is because he seems like gets embarrassed by himself, especially his
the student beneath the about his love life, “supportive”, and that an absolute chiller”; he sending screenshots of most electable feature,
star. Hacibey proved a Hacibey let on that he he has “access to the hates when people show flirtatious texts back to his comforting baritone.
tough legislator to crack, was “single” and that his aldermanic chamber off their social lives on his favorite girl instead —JOSH TARPLIN
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 19
time Feminist, but also SigEp-type softboi (“Sig gay (Jordan: “It was just
Photo by Sol Thompson (perhaps, she feels, to Ep let women rush...” she really bad!”). So thanks,
some contradiction) a very swoons). Shreeya!
committed self-identified Shreeya started some Shreeya was born in
Capitalist (but maybe nonprofit organization India, which means she
not a great one: she says in high school that does doesn’t have time for

SHREEYA
she recently struck out in this Third Wave White
an interview for a hedge Feminism nonsense. In
fund internship on the fact, she identifies as
first question: “What is a
hedge fund?”). She loves
SINGH a Fifth Wave Feminist
(Fourth Wave was soooo
most beautiful
Vox, The Atlantic, and last year). She loves
Twitter, and, like most BADASS feminist writer Sylvia
intelligent Yalies, hates FEMINIST Plath, and describes
the YD“N”. She thinks Virginia Wolff’s suicide
Yale should divest from something with kids as “pretty badass” and
Puerto Rico’s debt and and helping people and “kinda sad” and a “kinda
fossil fuels, and isn’t into Ethiopia, and it clearly good mic drop.” Nice.
the whole Yale Dining worked for her because And, gentlemen, if you
fruit-flavored water thing. she got into Yale. Her were wondering, Shreeya
She’s skeptical of the high school best friend is not on the market. Or
intentions of Yale Men, who now goes to Yale maybe she is? It’s not that
but thinks overall we get with her, Jordan, says she’s in a relationship.
an undeserved bad rap he remembers her But after getting her heart
(Thanks, Shreeya!). She’s “really poor taste in men broken over winter break
Woke AF, cares about the throughout all of high and a regrettable hookup
environment, and as a school,” and that she was with a Trump supporter
member of Engender sees “an absolute mess.” He (likely not a fellow Fifth-
Shreeya Singh (DC ‘21) “I am the woman,” First of all, she identifies the systemic problems can’t be entirely critical, waver), she’s looking to
is “the woman.” At least, says Shreeya. Like people as a woman and uses the inherent to Greek Life - “I though, and actually owes take some time for herself:
that’s what her Facebook talk about being “the pronouns she, her, and don’t like frat brothers” Shreeya a big one—it was for “the woman,” that is.
bio says, just: “the man,” Shreeya is all about hers—that is, not to be - but admits that all she that one time they tried
woman.” Nothing else. being “the woman.” confused with potential wants in a potential making out that helped —ADAM SHAW
No, not, “women” or “the And, in many ways, nicknames Shree, Sher, partner is the generic Jordan realize that he’s
women” or “a woman.” Shreeya is “the woman.” and Shers. She is a big-

Maurice Ware (DC ’20) Hunger Heroes. What a aspect of his life, Rumpus Don’t be fooled though, and then walking on the night? “I definitely wanna
wants the world to know dick. thought. Rumpus was Maurice is as romantic as beach and maybe a fire on have sex on the beach,” he
that he isn’t just another So, just what it is it that mistaken. When asked they get! What would his the beach,” he described. admitted, “I want it to be
fucboi. Quite the contrary keeps Maurice grounded? what tattoo he wants to ideal date be? Rumpus At this point, Rumpus so hot we make glass.”
– he is a man of morals, His hair. “I went from get, Ware responded, “I is sure it’s something would like to retract our We think Maurice needs
a man of substance, a Fucboi Fade to this. First wanna get the word ‘The’ incredibly original! previous statement about to try a little harder if he’s
man with depth. How of all, I’ve always been on my left butt cheek. “Definitely sunset dinner Maurice’s originality. going to leave that fucboi
do we know he is just as proud of my curls. I think Because every time I poop on the waterfront like What’s in store for the rep behind.
beautiful on the inside I didn’t like the whole it will be The Shit.” Real with the sun going down lucky girl at the end of her —FATIMA ABAROA
as he appears to be from image and that was a mature Maurice. Real
the outside? Ware lost no whole problem last year. I mature.
time in telling Rumpus like the whole white dude But Ware isn’t your
how deep his soul really Jesus look. I’m trying to run of-the-mill fucboi. Oh

MAURICE
goes. no. He is so much more
This Davenport daddy than that! In fact, Maurice
revealed to us that he places a special emphasis
doesn’t simply spend
his weekends shaping
WARE on religion in his life. “A
threesome? Straight up
his perfect man bun most beautiful anybody? Oh shit! I want
while cracking open a Jesus to be in there because
cold one with the boys. FUTURE MANBUN I wanna meet Jesus and I
After spending a solid wanna find out if he was
17 minutes describing grow a man bun,” Ware really God or not. Having
his hair care routine in revealed. Rumpus would sex with Jesus would be
thorough detail, Ware like to make it clear at really cool and if he is
revealed his other passion: this point that we do God, I had sex with God
those less fortunate not endorse man buns and that’s kind of dope. I
than his beautiful soul. as a means to appear could witness the creation
Similarly to pageant any less of a douche. We of a demigod! Or I could
queens, Maurice spends know better than to lie to potentially be having
his days hoping for world ourselves. sex with a gross man in
peace by tutoring young Surely such a sandals. And Zendaya! Is
children and feeding transformed man would that sacrilegious?” Holy
the homeless through give meaning to every Fuck, right? Photo by Sol Thompson
20 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Rumpus can’t believe Photo by Sol Thompson
Queen!” he’s probably Bhutanese astrologer climbing, Mila likes to
Mila Dorji (SM ’20) is real. paying respect to her monks to be the “climb onto the roofs
Seriously. The California majesty Jetsun Pema and reincarnation of Milarepa, of various buildings.”
native, whose brows give not complimenting you Rumpus wishes we could
Cara Delevingne a run
for her money, has the
on your shitty dancing.
If he wasn’t “functionally MILA share the details of these
escapades, which are very

DORJI
most stunning, naturally- unable” to flirt, Mila could Silli in nature, but we
highlighted locks we’ve hit on you in English, promised we wouldn’t
ever seen. While Rumpus Hebrew, Hindi, Latin, due to the ambiguous
usually just tries to make Spanish or Dzhongka. most beautiful nature of their legality.
up for our middling If you want to ask him How do you accidentally
attractiveness with a out, the best way to do
REINCARNATION stage a run-in with Mila,
defensive sense of humor, so is by inviting him to you ask? Try heading to
we want to be pretty too “do something active a High Lama and one the radio house, where
and asked Mila about outdoors.” According of Tibet’s most famous Mila goes on Saturday
his haircare routine to Mila, “good surfing poets. When Mila was nights. Even if you meet
which, by the way, is better than anything, born, his Bhutanese Mila’s qualifications –
involves shampoo that is including good sex.” grandmother wanted to “good eyes and good
“definitely not for men.” Sounds fake… but ok. send him to grow up in banter” – and hit it off,
Rumpus loves men with Rumpus is out of luck a monastery, which his don’t be offended if he
big, strong masculinities. here (we hate sweating, American mother quickly doesn’t recognize you at
Mila is a treasure chest have the balance of a vetoed. Nevertheless, brunch the next morning.
of fun facts. He played in toddler, and have never Mila has spent months The Neuroscience major
a shitty garage band in voluntarily gone outside living in monasteries suffers from a mild case
high school; has worked brains; and is on the club photographer too. to engage in physical and might “go be a monk of prosopagnosia, an
on award-winning short water polo team. You Mila also has dual activity), but godspeed to later in life,” seemingly inability to recognize
films after forming a can also thank him for American/German all you mortals who think indifferent to the millions faces. He’s even
production company; is an the hundreds of overly- citizenship and residency you deserve the heavenly of hearts he would interesting when he’s
EMT and has resuscitated filtered SAE (or whatever in Bhutan, where he spent Mila’s love. break by taking a vow of being rude!
multiple people; does they call themselves now) his childhood. Bhutan is No, seriously. This 50 celibacy.
research on adolescent crush photos on your still ruled by monarchs, Moster is believed by When he’s not out rock —LYDIA SCHOOLER
Facebook feed – he’s a so when Mila yells “Yas

At times, people have and Geophysics major. anyone to read poetry in
questioned the value Official YD“N” surveys her bed,” admitted her
of Rumpus’s 50 Most show that 27% of first friend/frenemy Annie
Beautiful People issue. years are currently in love “Annie Nelson” Nelson
The cynical argue it is so with Sophie, a number (50 Most ‘16). Mysterious,
we, the writers, can meet projected to climb well-read, deeply
hot people and write throughout the semester committed to a healthy
entire articles negging sleep cycle–all signs of a
them with the hopes it
will make them want SOPHIE sociopathic heartbreaker.
Don’t be fooled. Sophie

RUEHR
to sleep with us. Others may seem like the quirky
say it is a front for the girl of your dreams,
launch party so we have with joie de vivre strong
an excuse to black-out on most beautiful enough to drown out
Long Islands at Partners the voices in your head
Café HEART BREAKER telling you that you will
The truth is, at Rumpus never learn to be happy.
we take our journalistic as they slowly learn Rumpus is here to tell
responsibility seriously. where STM is and catch you it’s a trap: Sophie is
We are here to guide you, their first glimpse of this secretly also a responsible
the everyman; to give you Bostonian goddess. Some grown up. Sophie sits
a glimpse inside the lives have flown too close to the down in the library and
of the beautiful; and when sun–Sophie has admitted outlines out a paper three
necessary, to warn you. to “going on a lot of dates weeks before it’s due, not
Today we warn you that I don’t realize are once stopping to Google
that Sophie Ruehr (BK dates,” something we the current romantic lives
’18) will break your heart, hope she realizes doesn’t of early 2000s Disney star–
use her own hand-crafted happen to normal people. something this writer has Photo by Sol Thompson
mug to pick up the pieces, Sophie’s reputation already done three times
then use the remains for preceded her. We’d heard since starting this article. while also making time refuses to get a Snapchat. We know our
her weekly otherwise the rumors that this She then goes home to for friends and loved She sometimes talks warnings are probably
vegetarian meal prep. independent wildcard write a new song on her ones would do nothing during TV shows. She useless, but don’t come
Over the years, many is not somebody to fuck guitar. Sophie’s ability but make you feel subpar plans to keep all four crying back to us when
have fallen into the trap with. “Sophie is that wild to focus on one task at a for the rest of your life. So wisdom teeth, which is she breaks your heart. All
of this beautiful, fun- bitch who leaves Woads time, get her work done, again, stay away. unnatural and morally we’ll say is “told you so.”
loving, talented Geology at 11:30pm without telling and tend to her hobbies She has flaws too. She deficient. —ALEX SAIONTZ
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 21
psychedelics. Luke finds time for what really To answer surely
Photo by Josh Tarplin
responded with the story matters, getting blacked every lady’s question
of his most recent LSD out. Luke says that after a at this point: yes, this
journey, in which he met typical night of alcoholic trippy giraffe is SINGLE.
Satan in the flesh. He excess, Ivy Wok is his “My love life is pretty
quickly concluded that beaconing homeward nonexistent right now”
wintery New Haven and light. However, Luke Luke joked. However,
trippin’ balls were not an Luke’s hopes remain
optimal pair. “I couldn’t
go to sleep until about
LUKE high for finding love,
and he even shared his
5am.” Luke laughed
off his traumatizing MOBLEY envisioned future ‘meet
cute’ with Rumpus.
experience with a most beautiful Luke hopes that, in his
shocking level of chill, next regularly scheduled
even for a guy in a drug- GIRAFFE drunken venture to Ivy-
dealer poncho. When Wok, he will lock eyes
prompted about how claims that his wildest with a lovely lady who
his hallucinogenic quest night at Yale was also appreciates the
changed his perspective, completely void of asian appeal of Asian chicken in
Luke graced Rumpus cuisine. Somewhere in the twilight. He imagines
with a profound, reflective the midst of his freshman the music will change in
Luke Mobley (SM ‘20) eleventh grade local pot Rumpus believes it was wisdom. “Before my last year, Luke washed that moment, preferably
isn’t your stereotypical dealer. But Luke attempts also because artists, acid trip, my spirit animal down his prescribed to soft, romantic banjo
Yale beauty. He’s not a to avoid stereotypes. “I athletes, and thespians was a tree. Now, I would antibiotics with Dubra. tunes. Worry not,
chiseled European on wanted to be the most alike wanted to get taken say I’m more of a giraffe.” Like wintery New Haven ladies. If your late night
the crew team, nor is he approachable senior in to poundtown by this Aside from outshining and trippin’ balls, Dubra safaris to Ivy Wok prove
a Draco Malfoy-esque high school. My friends earthy-crunchy sex god. the other 5,422 non- and antibiotics is not an fruitless, simply send
SigEp boy (at least not were artists, theater kids, Rumpus knows that beautiful Yale undergrads, optimal pair. The next @sensualsealion a DM.
anymore). He’s a granola and even jocks.” He granola guys and acid Luke is an active member thing Luke remembers is Remember what they say
guy, an outdoorsy hunk credits his popularity to go together like TD of Fence, runs a segment waking up to a cold floor, about giraffes, the neck
that brings a wetsuit to his down-to-earth nature and cultish isolation, in a radio show, takes his own vomit, and a isn’t the only thing that’s
the northeastern coast and and adventurousness. so we asked him about beautiful photography, video of him incoherently long ;)
wears a poncho like your That may be true, but his experiences with and makes jokes with Just freestyling on the roof of —ANDI
Add Water. But Luke still SigEp. VONHILSHEIMER

When asked to describe this boy exudes hotness. to join Danceworks this in high school, when
Photo by Sol Thompson
himself in three words, But if you’re looking to semester. Not only will he he spilled homemade
Tom Chu (SM ‘19) picked win Tom’s heart, you’ll be shaking that booty to Chinese meatballs across
“thoughtful,” “positive,” be sorely disappointed Usher, but he also might his classroom. How tragic.
and “kind-hearted.” (we know; we had to do a routine completely Otherwise, he is cool and
Rumpus couldn’t have dry our tears too). Tom in heels. If it actually ends composed. When asked
picked a more wholesome met his current partner up happening, Rumpus what exactly he does
batch of words if we tried. Lindsey in his first year will be the first one to to be so beautiful, he
And wholesome is exactly here, so in terms of inform everyone, because maintains that he merely
what Tom is: despite Yale relationships, it’s honestly no one should shaves. Incredible. He is
being a PoliSci major, miss out on that spicy thinking about growing
his concentration is in
education, which is about TOM opportunity.
Aside from
out his hair, and while
Rumpus is internally
as far away as you can get
from the typical PoliSci CHU rhythmically gyrating
his body, Tom is also big
screaming YESSSS, for
now Tom’s luscious locks
fuccboi who mansplains most beautiful into ultimate frisbee, remain just a dream on
the rise of grassroots community organizing, the horizon. And though
conservatism and jerks FUTURE DILF and the Democratic Tom may think one of his
off to Politico. Even Tom’s Socialists of America flaws is arrogance (which
smile is wholesome. We’d basically their fifty-year group on campus (radical, we think he’s entitled to
definitely hand over our anniversary. The Rumpus but also radically hot). He tbh), he says his personal
kids to this beautiful man. staff is extremely jealous, also dips his toe into the strength is to “project love
His interest in education as we haven’t even made world of karaoke. Tom and care.” If that’s not
can naturally only mean it past the walk of shame revealed to Rumpus that the most awww-worthy
one thing: Tom is serious yet. Sigh. Meanwhile, he’s not just soulful eyes statement of the century,
daddy material. We Tom and Lindsey are the and a chiseled jaw, but then you can get the fuck
here at Rumpus have hottest half-asian power can also rap the entirety out of Rumpus’s face.
collectively decided that couple of the century. of “Rapper’s Delight.”
Tom is our dream DILF. They’re so beautiful to Talk about well-rounded —MOLLY ONO
Although Tom claims look at we almost forgot (and yes, we’re referring
that the only person to we’re destined to die to his booty).
ever point out his beauty alone. Almost. The only time this
has been his mom (and Lindsey (who is a suburbian Massachusetts
Rumpus, of course), dancer) convinced Tom boy got flustered was
22 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Catie Bolt (JE ’18) is about Catie through if you’ve ever seen a
incredibly modest. It’s an interview, so we are picture of Catie, you Photo by Jenna Selati
quite charming until instead going to focus can understand why we
you realize she has no on the parts of Catie that think this is silly. “No,
business being that way. an interview wouldn’t please, no photos,” we
Rumpus sat down with reveal. can imagine her saying as

CATIE
Catie over homemade she whips around to stare
passion fruit cocktails the camera down with her

BOLT
(homemade by Catie, signature ‘smolder’.
not our talentless ass) to Catie is a very talented
discuss her abundance of most beautiful dancer. This is not
positive qualities. something you could
“I brush my hair when HUMBLE CAT LOVER learn from an interview
I get out of the shower,” with her, because Catie
Catie shared, a twinkle The first piece of would tell you that she is
in her eye. We actually important insider actually a terrible dancer.
already knew this one, as information is that Perhaps she would share
Catie happens to be one Catie can make an ugly that she is also a closeted
of our good friends. This Christmas sweater look guitar player. It was
means two very important really fashionable and considerate of her to keep
things: first, we went into sexy. Our Mistlewoads at least one of her enviable
our interview with Catie Hanukkah sweater had skills quiet for the sake of
knowing that she is not light up boobs and we everyone else, but now
one to talk herself up; and still looked like a pile of the cat is out of the bag.
second, we did not need trash standing next to her. Catie loves cats.
Although it seems like those who remain silent (50 Most ‘17), is 6’8” and
an interview to be able to “One man’s trash is Catie’s ideal date
this would make getting are truly worthy of her gifts her with beautiful,
tell you about Catie. another man’s treasure,” would involve some
to know her date pretty attention. handmade crafts. So
Catie took a gap year Catie said, which was movie-watching. But be
difficult, Catie considers To those of you taking unless you are also the
before coming to Yale, very nice but, like, come warned: she hates people
it to be a necessary first note of this important height of a standard
she lived in India as a on. who talk during movies,
step. It is imperative that strategy for winning doorway and know your
kid, she can bench press Catie would probably because any interruptions
she learn whether or not Catie’s heart: slow down, way around a woodshop,
40 pounds, blah blah tell you in an interview hinder her ability to
her date will speak during tigers. Catie is taken, see ya.
blah. These are facts that she hates having add to her mental-
the movie, because only and her boyfriend, Paul —JENNA SELATI
that anyone could learn her picture taken. But movie-quote collection.

We here at Rumpus asked. “Some have come into her. Claire described Claire was visibly
Photo by Sol Thompson
like to pride ourselves every single week and so her favorite thing about mortified by the mention
on our cynicism. We’ve I know them, you know?” Charlie as “a lot” with a of this. “Absolutely not!
smoked a cigarette. We We did not. ”So It’s just smile that couldn’t have I will never eat a snail. I
didn’t cry at Pixar’s UP. attendance?” we retorted. said more. Gross. can’t even imagine doing
When you told us about ”Yeah, I’m a really strict If there’ one thing Claire that.”
your grandma’s funeral, teacher so it is really just wants you to know, it’s If you don’t share a
we asked if there was a that she loves snails. She love for snails but still
buffet. But all great things
must come to an end and CLAIRE really really wants you
to know. Straight up first
aren’t convinced that
Claire is better than you
that end is Claire Elliman
(DC ’20): the only concrete ELLIMAN thing she said. And while
yeah, that would merit a
in every way, Claire is
majoring in comparative
proof that we have the most beautiful right swipe in our book, literature and speaks both
ability to love. so would a fondness for Italian and French. “It’s
SNAIL VOYEUR
When she’s not Alec Baldwin’s The Boss nice because they tell me
undermining our Baby. In the words of an which classes to take.
emotional walls, Claire attendance.” Seeing an absolutely serious Claire, I can’t make my own
enjoys the shit out of filing opportunity to Rumpus- “I love Snails. I could look decisions.” She had other
for the Yale Press. “I got to up the conversation, we at snails for hours! I would “realer” reasons for loving
stuff envelopes yesterday; shot back. “Do you find just go into the forest and comp lit but, honestly,
it was really a highlight. I this rule comes across watch snails.” ”Ummm... Rumpus spaced out.
Love it. I love it so much. in your dating life? Is it cool…yeah…that’s cool… Point is, she is genuinely
I am not kidding.” She’s just a matter of showing what do you like about smart as hell, no matter
also a volunteer tutor up?” ”Fuck… Maybe!” them?” we asked with her taste in gastropods.
for imprisoned men, she laughed. All we can audible ellipses. “Its their To better illustrate
which seems, somehow, say, Claire, is Rumpus pace. They just live life.” Claire with a comparison
much more interesting. showed up. Unfortunately for Claire, our readers can easily
When asked if she had Sadly, Claire does her family is Frencher digest, Claire is like
favorites, Claire thought have a boyfriend named than mimes, baguettes, the baby sun from
for a moment and Charlie. Upon hearing and low-key nativism. Teletubbies. She brightens
then answered with an this, we immediately staff writer (another good enough reason to We say unfortunately every room she enters
assured, “Totally.” ”What asked about his worst Charlie) could fill. “He’s break up? Uh, YUP, but only because French with laughter and joy, but
qualities make one your quality, hoping to create a slow eater, and I think Claire seems just as into people are known for the also dates an evil vacuum.
students a favorite?” we a void only a certain food is a race.” Is this a Charlie as Rumpus is consumption of escargot. —CHARLIE FOSTER
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 23
’n Rhythm says it would We promise it sounded
fuck Shades and marry better than it looks.
Out of the Blue—they Whim ’n Rhythm gives
could also “marry [the great advice; Rumpus
Whiffs], divorce them, would like to suggest
take all their money. Fuck, that if they don’t all land
marry, exploit.” Grand post-grad jobs in finance,
Strategy, at its finest. the Whims consider
Speaking of fucking, compiling a book series of
when asked what sex “Best Songs to Listen To”
position Whim ’n Rhythm for life’s biggest moments.
would be if they had to Best song to listen to after
choose, they shot back a breakup? “I Can’t Make
a single, unanimous You Love Me. Cry Me a
response: “On top.” And River. Sorry Not Sorry,
sometimes with a twist: by Demi Lovato.” (They
“reverse cowgirl, but have a lot of fuck-you
definitely not missionary.” songs in their rep, one
This makes sense, given Whim notes.) Best song
that they would describe to listen to during sex?
their group essence as “How does it Feel by
“powerful. But also Deangelo—he’s getting
sassy and classy. Gutsy. head in the video.” Most
Socialist. Experienced. importantly, best song to
Photo by Sol Thompson Just all-around perfect.” listen to during breakup
John Kerry once even sex? “Sorry Not Sorry. We
Whim ‘n Rhythm has to have come a long way; to our discretion.” Whims would like Yale to told them they were Do Not Belong Together,
been waiting. The all- for their initiation, each have since stopped know that Whim would better than the Whiffs. from Sunday in the Park
female senior a cappella biting Whiffs. “They’re still probably choose Rumpus is inclined to with George. You’re sad
group feels “thrilled,
emboldened, even” to WHIM ‘n TD people,” one Whim
explains, which seems
chlamydia over TD).
Naturally, in a
agree, especially when
we asked them to create
but horny.”
Whim N’ Rhythm:
be included in 50 Most.
“It’s long overdue” they RHYTHM
most beautiful
to cover just about all
you need to know about
game of Fuck, Marry,
or Kill, Whim women
a story, with each Whim
singing one word,
“sassy and classy,” and
ready to be the hot-as-hell
say. Rumpus wants to the Whiffs (NOTE: in a everywhere would kill the followed by another word soundtrack to your next
clear something up here: REVERSE high-stakes game of TD Whiffs. Probably. They’ve from the person sitting on life crisis. Any last words
Whim is not, contrary to COWGIRLS or chlamydia, the Whims thought about this a lot, their right next to them: on the Whiffs? “Refer
popular belief, a parody at first said they’d pick and while there’s some “fuck” “me” “so” “hard” to our joint statement,”
troupe of the (formerly Whim woman once had chlamydia, but then one disagreement in the “because” “Hillary” they say. Enjoy TD,
all-male, now all-gender) to bite all of the Whiff Whim remembered she’s group about how exactly “Clinton” “stated” “that” Whiffenpoofs.
Whiffenpoofs. In fact, the men. Where, you ask? in TD, and backtracked this would go down— “we” “sing” “super”
Whim-Whiff rift seems “Anywhere. That was up the comment. Rumpus generally speaking, Whim “fucking” “beautifully!” —KRISTINA CUELLO

Angus Morrison (TD beauty, and culture. Aussie” near TD, you’ll Margot Robbie is his name when he introduced in “Brizzie” (Brisbon, for
‘19) is the pinnacle of Chances are, if you hear a resounding “Oi, celebrity crush. Angus himself, and Gus was us Americans), where
Australian strength, yell “Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi!” in response. is our celebrity crush. born. Rumpus couldn’t he and his friends spent
Saying that vegemite is understand why he’d time wrasslin’ crocodiles
disgusting in the Morse ever stop talking. and hanging out with
Dhall (his favorite) will Even though he’s got Steve Irwin, probably.
earn you a disapproving every reason not to be, the He also feels a close
look. Finals week is confident and charismatic connection to his home,
“nothing, compared to the Aussie remains modest. where the tight-knit
outback.” His favorite and loving community
bands, Sticky Fingers
and Tame Impala, are
ANGUS holds a special place in
Gus’ heart. On top of
Australian. His favorite
foods are Australian
MORRISON his modesty, Gus is (for
a lack of a better word)
most beautiful
Meat Pies. Rumpus’ adorable. He’s got a
favorite Australian Meat AUSTRALIAN MEAT beautiful smile and an
Pie is tall, muscular, PIE easy laugh. He plans to
and (obviously) on train for the Australian
Men’s Heavyweight We asked him when he Olympic team at some
crew. His thick accent first figured out he was point in the future. He
is as intoxicating as it attractive; he laughed and loves his teammates. He
is hypnotic, but Gus admitted he “didn’t know, misses his mom.
abashedly admitted that but [he was] honored. Rumpus loves Gus just
he didn’t always love Honored, but surprised, as much as Gus loves
his accent. When he first for sure.” Gus attributes Australia.
came to the states, people his easygoing and laid-
Photo by Sol Thompson
couldn’t understand his back attitude to his roots —SOL THOMPSON
24 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Thought Jack Atwater a razor blade. Rumpus Because he’s Pre-Med,
(TD ‘19) was just another wishes we could be that and let’s be honest, even
basic white boy? Think edgy. white beauty standards
again. Jack Atwater is a When Jack isn’t busy don’t want to walk up
Pre-Med white boy, which being Pre-Med, he’s Science Hill.
Rumpus thinks makes busy talking about being But even if you trek
him pretty diverse. Pre-Med. “When you’re up Science Hill for
“I don’t really taking a lot of STEM some doctor-patient
know anything about classes you don’t have role play, you’re out
medicine,” confessed a lot to talk about,” said of luck, because Jack’s

JACK
Jack, but he’s always been in a 6-month-long
dreamed of being a doctor, relationship with a girl
just like how Rumpus has with a FOOT fetish. But
always dreamed of being
his patient. Too bad every
ATWATER just in case that doesn’t
work out, try taking
most beautiful
badly-acted porno can’t him on his dream date:
come true. PREMED backpacking through
Jack’s not in a frat, but the Catskill Mountains,
he said he’s “whipped” by Jack, adding that his with salami and a cheese
chemistry, and Rumpus friends think he “needs plate. Rumpus hasn’t
thinks that’s pretty kinky. to chill out.” Good thing worked out since gaining
“I love Orgo,” said Jack. Jack has his looks, and the Freshman 50, but
“Orgo was like Rush, and in a few more years, that something about going
physical chemistry was thicc paycheck. into cardiac arrest in a Photo by Sol Thompson
like pledging. Next year, Jack claimed he was Pre-Med’s arms gets us
I’ll be in the frat.” surprised that he was flustered. Pre-Meds don’t care Like, the second wave of said Jack. “And like,
Before organic selected for 50 Most, Too bad he’s into biker about the latest fashion hipsterdom?” Confucius, so I could just
chemistry, Jack worked though he admitted his chicks, even though he trends. If his bold philosophy spew wisdom.” If Jack’s
in an emergency room, height and blue eyes won’t admit it. It’s just “I want to be the guy on fashion doesn’t do anything like the white
where he met the were his most beautiful that from the ages 10 who just walks around it for you, Jack’s ideal boys we know, wisdom
patient that inspired features. Even though to 12, he wore wrap- with wrap-around threesome might: “I feel won’t be the only thing
everything—a dude who Jack is WASPy as fuck, he around shades, and while shades,” said Jack. “I like I gotta say Beyoncé, spewing.
swallowed a Monopoly swears he’s different than most people would be don’t know if it’s ever just because, I’m trying to —KIDDEST SINKE
piece, and the day after, other Yale Men. Why? traumatized, Jack said been in. But it could be in. soak up all the charisma,”

At heart, Freddie Elwes cancelled credit cards in stay positive despite his tests at Yale Health,
Photo by Sol Thompson
(DC ‘21) is a country his wallet. His special gloomy future of 100-hour Freddie’s planning trips
lad. He rises at 6 am and talents include spilling workweeks at Goldman with his girlfriend back
spends his days feeding beer and losing things in Sachs. He’s taking Psych home. In fact, he credits
the chickens, mixing mash the middle of New York 110, but he doesn’t need her for making him
for the pigs, and picking City, which, miraculously, Laurie Santos to tell him realize he was beautiful:
blueberries. He goes to manage to make their the secret to a good life. “Scoring someone like
sleep on a bed of hay, way back to him. He also Wise beyond his years, my girlfriend… I must be
beside his pet Yorkshire might be the only person Freddie’s already figured doing something right.”
terrier appropriately in the world to enjoy it out. His advice: “Try (After a bit of Facebook
named Yorky. British cuisine, which not to follow the obvious stalking, Rumpus can
When Freddie isn’t includes delicacies like flow of society and find attest).
frolicking in the English laverbread and Spotted something you’re good at. Over a cappuccino
countryside, you might Dick plum pudding. His You have to be selfish in and a triple half-caff
catch him wandering into taste for American food terms of your happiness.” caramel macchiato (yep,
psychedelic forests. He’s has been sadly marred by Wise words, Freddie, wise we’re those assholes), we

FREDDIE
a regular at the London words. conversed with Freddie
90’s rave scene, where If you’re thinking of about life, the universe,
he’s sometimes targeted Freddie as your next and everything. We
due to lack of pink hair
and septum piercings. A
ELWES
most beautiful
post-Woads hookup,
don’t even try. Staying
mostly nodded along and
pretended to understand
staggering 6 feet 6 inches away from the giant, what he was saying (he
in height, Freddie’s pretty WISE GIANT emotionally-constipated has quite a thick English
much as inconspicuous orgy that is the freshman accent), but we know one
as Lady Gaga in her meat an unfortunate encounter class, Freddie’s in a thing for sure: Freddie
dress. with a fried burrito. committed relationship. is a paradox in himself:
In his own words, We’ve concluded he has But you can’t even hate He’s a jock who loves to
Freddie is a “reasonable defective taste buds and him for it - they’re so sing, a country boy with
dope” - the kind of guy sent him a referral to an cute it almost makes us an appetite for raves,
who orders a “medium” ENT. believe in love. While and a reasonable dope
at Starbucks, who gets Like every member of the rest of us are nursing with a heart of gold. We
the punchline three the crew team, Freddie is our hangovers after a don’t know how, but only
minutes after the joke has an economics major, and regrettable ValenToads Freddie can pull it off.
been told, who hoards 5 he’s looking for ways to and lining up for STD —ANUSHKA WALIA
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 25
because they were lemon Science major is not heart though, you’ll be former theater sound
ants, and it happened your typical American sorely disappointed. She engineer and producer,
while on a glamorous former sorority girl. currently has a long-term, member of Matriculate,
summer abroad in Latin She actually hails from not-so-long-distance and an AACC peer
America where she also Istanbul, Turkey, and has boyfriend, who lives a liaison. Rumpus envies
rode the longest zipline an enormous amount of quick train ride away that one person can have
south of the equator affection for her home. in New York City. She it all. But when asked
(she’s very proud of this), Upon prompting, she also sees him almost every what she wants to pursue
it makes a little bit more admitted that while the weekend, which is more after graduation (Damla
sense. A former Theta— wine in America is good, committed than literally and her beauty are
she can still put her finger the rakı (a Turkish licorice- any Rumpus staffer has leaving campus in only
in her mouth with the best flavored alcohol) is really a few short months), she
of them—Damla left the
sorority world for a life
where it’s at. However,
it was probably not DAMLA says that she’s looking
into consulting. It seems
of debauchery. Rumpus,
meanwhile, is still busy
rakı she drank on her
nineteenth birthday OZDALGA even the coolest of Yalies
can’t resist the temptation
putting our fingers in when she attempted most beautiful of long hours, frequent
other people’s mouths. to take nineteen shots, EX-THETA travel, and still seeing
Currently, she is a member missing her party everyone they went to
of the Fence Club, which after only eight shots been to Rumpus ever. college with. Whatever
is incidentally where she (Rumpus is still proud of We’re jealous. stereotypes Rumpus may
has been the most high Damla for trying). She But it’s not all play for have about the business,
(weed mac ‘n cheese at also notes that she loves this Turkish bombshell. Damla can consult us any
Fencegiving) and the cheese, which is why the On top of her CogSci day.
most drunk (unlimited whole Fencegiving fiasco studies, which she says
Long Island iced teas at happened. Rumpus can’t she pursues because of —MOLLY ONO
Photo by Sol Thompson crush) in her life. We only blame her—who could her interests in human
wish we were there to resist weed and cheese? decision-making (and
You wouldn’t guess but Damla Ozdalga (SM witness the mayhem. If you’re looking to maybe her own decision-
it just by looking at her, ‘18) has eaten ants. But But this Cognitive find your way to Damla’s making?), Damla is a

At first sight, she seems on its prey. Rumpus man at a bar and started night, and these Stallions
like your typical #quirky recommends staying on dating him. “He was, were her unwitting prey.
girl. Her long, glossy Natty’s good side. like, 24. Very cute boy,” It isn’t easy playing two
curls bounce playfully as No offense to Natalia, Natty said nonchalantly. men like this at once, but
she somewhat nervously but her good-girl side is Natty is so detached, she Natty is an expert: “I was
crosses the room and sits nothing special. Natalia doesn’t even care what just like swerving left and
down on the couch across is a good Catholic girl his actual age was, which right like *skrrt skrrt skrrt
from Rumpus. She was 22. On her taste skrrt*,” she recounted,
trips over her words
as she introduces NATALIA in men, Natty wasted
no words: “I like
imitating the noises of
a skidding vehicle. The
herself, then explains,
“No social cues!” No, CASTELLANOS douches.” But hold
your boners, men of
night culminated with
our two Stallions meeting
this 50-Moster is not most beautiful Yale—before you start face to face: “One of them
Zooey Deschanel. ALTER EGO vigorously swiping was like ‘Hey, what’s
Most of you know her through Bumble and going on?’ and I was like
as Natalia Castellanos from Tijuana. Natalia is Tinder, she isn’t exactly *nervous laughter* so
(DC ’21), the cute and premed. Natalia plays an easy catch. Natty then the other guy comes
clumsy Girl Next Door. club soccer. Natalia is told Rumpus about two and they both look at
What most of you don’t in Alpha Phi. Natalia victims who learned this each other… I just kind of
know is that hiding loves Laurie Santos. the hard way not too long *skrrt skrrt skrrt*,” Natty
behind her giggling, hair- Natalia is not a morning ago. said,indicating that she
twirling façade lies a bad person. Natalia went to The first of these boys, promptly fled the scene.
bitch alter ego who does high school in America. who we’ll call Stallion Rumpus likes to imagine
what she wants and takes Natalia doesn’t like to 1, asked Natalia if she that Stallions 1 and 2 are
no shit. She is… Natty C. drink heavily. Natalia wanted to go to SigEp still staring each other
It isn’t too difficult to likes to procrastinate. with him one weekend down in the basement
tell the difference between Natty, though. Natty after they kissed the of SigEp, locked in an
Natalia and Natty C. lives on the fucking edge. previous night. The eternal testosterone-off.
Rumpus noticed that Natty uses her Mexican ID second boy (Stallion 2), Aside from Natty’s Photo by Sol Thompson
when it’s Natalia who is to buy alcohol and get into with whom she had made romantic antics, Natalia
speaking, she giggles a clubs because bouncers out two nights previously, has a lot going for her. help people, Natalia isn’t thinks sums up the
lot and speaks carefully. can’t read it correctly. also asked Natalia if she When asked what she willing to let anything dynamic between Natalia
When Natty is out, “The bouncers don’t like was going to be at SigEp would tell the whole Yale get in her way. While she and Natty C pretty well:
though, she’s all business to look stupid, so they that night. However, student body if she had hasn’t decided to have “I’d say no just because I
and spits out words like just go like, ‘Oh yeah, go while it was Natalia the chance, she said, “Be sex yet, Natalia offered am Catholic, but probably
machine-gun fire. Her ahead,’” she explained who told them yes, it nice! Refugees are cool!” the following gem on yes because I have shit to
eyes also widen like a badass-ly. At age 17, was Natty who showed As an ambitious young the topic of getting an do.”
feral cat about to pounce Natty found an older up on High Street that woman determined to abortion, which Rumpus —DANIEL KAYLOR
26 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com
Kai Dougan (ES ‘19) floating on the river Seine. boat.” (In Rumpus ’ view, know, I read the situation.
has all the makings of a Once he got to the top, putting the headquarters It’s all about when
softboi. He sings in TUIB, though, he looked over of the fire department in you can conveniently
wears beanies, hails the edge and saw “three literally the only part of insert a dick... into the
from New York City, and burly French dudes in the city guaranteed not conversation.” Let the
lives at [REDACTED]. their underwear” looking to catch fire seems like a records show he almost
His favorite on campus up at him. “I’m talking pretty standard move for managed it there.
publication is The Lit, banana hammock type of the French.) He also demurred
because of the layout. material,” he clarifies. “I Another less-than-soft when asked about his
Rumpus had never heard was like, oh my god, this aspect of Kai’s persona own hotness. When asked
of “The Lit.“ He describes is the Taken boat. This is is that he’s majoring in what his initial reaction
his musical taste as the underground Parisian mechanical engineering. to his 50 Most selection
“probably everyone says sex ring.” He tried to get Not American Studies, not was, he claimed to be
this, maybe they don’t, off the boat but one of the English, not Art History. “immediately convinced
but, eclectic?” by which intimidatingly almost- Not even the BA in that Zachary, Nick and
he means blues and nude men grabbed and mechanical engineering, Chase had just pushed me
Radiohead. (Also: yes. pulled him inside, at which at least one faculty through. That was my first
Everyone does say that.) which point he saw a member has described reaction. And probably
He likes photography man in a firefighter jacket as “basically a Cub my only reaction.” (This
and did theater in high and realized he “hadn’t scout badge.” The real- is completely untrue,
school. If Yale Men were ass, ABET-accredited by the way — Rumpus
cheese, Kai would be
Camembert.
KAI mechanical engineering
major. That’s pretty hard.
values journalistic ethics
and integrity above all,
He also studied
abroad in Paris, which DOUGAN He also says his ideal
date would be dinner
and a friendship with the
RumpDaddies doesn’t
is a pretty standard most beautiful and a movie, a radical get you jack shit.) Kai did
softboi move, but his HARDISH SOFTBOI statement of normieness. concede that “My parents
experiences there were a He claims that softboi is are pretty good looking
little more hardcore than trespassed on a tourist an unfair label, citing his people. I figured if I got a
his gentle exterior would barge. I had trespassed crude, dick-joke driven decent percentage of that
suggest. Kai, while very onto the command sense of humor. When I would be okay.” Which,
drunk at 3 AM, decided center of the Parisian Fire Rumpus asked for his yeah, true.
it would be a good idea to Department, which for best dick joke, though, —MARIAH
climb up one of the barges whatever reason is on a Kai demurred: “You KREUTTER Photo by Alex Copeland

Rumpus is often a pickup line anymore. regulars) that line the
criticized for publishing Sonia is half Indian, half pages of this issue, Sonia
this issue. Some people American—“like full, takes full ownership and
argue that the act of farm Ohio American.” responsibility for her
ranking people by their Rumpus thought this was beauty. She only takes ten
outward appearance quite coincidental, since minutes to get ready in the
is shallow and wrong. Sonia’s grandparents morning. When informed
Others hold that it grow potatoes and gazing that other people can,
perpetuates unfair in fact, spend almost an
stereotypes or
the self-esteem of “the
ruins
SONIA hour getting ready and
yet never even dream of
rest of us.” After all, reaching Sonia Khurana-
they say, why would KHURANA levels of beauty, the junior
being beautiful on the most beautiful was taken aback: “that’s
outside ever mean you’re tough,” she uttered with
beautiful on the inside? HALF-LETE an appalled expression,
And even though all these but added nothing else.
criticisms are undeniably As Rumpus watched
true, a) y’all still read this at Sonia’s beauty made Sonia stroll away into the
shit anyway lol and b) Rumpus feel like a potato. depths of Saybrook, only
sometimes that outward But we’re not here to one thing, now, came to
beauty is a reflection of talk about potatoes, we’re our mind: some of us are
internal beauty as well. here to tell you what goes the potatoes, and some of
Our experience meeting on in the life of the 1% us are the farmers. For all
Sonia Khurana (SY ’19) (of Yale people who are Photo by Sol Thompson our fellow potatoes out
was one such blessing. actually objectively hot). there, don’t worry, maybe
Shortly after sitting In Sonia’s case, when you’ll be one of the lucky
time to her duty as captain Y’know, swag.” Usually Soul Cycle (which is, in
down with Sonia, she she’s not giving into potatoes that make the
of the club lacrosse team. we wouldn’t print that her words, “cultish and
keyed us in to her ethnic her caffeine addiction at vodka Sonia vomits up
“We call ourselves half- word, but we let it slide weird,” and in our words
background so frat bros Donut Crazy or getting after Amigo’s one night.
letes: we’re club, we’re this time. “bougie, cultish, and
everywhere will have no ~white/Indian girl
athletic, we practice, but In other realms of weird”). But unlike a lot
excuse for using “where wasted~ at Saybrook —SEAN WALKER
we’re social too. It’s also pseudo-athleticism, of the faux-humble snakes
are you from? No, like Amigo’s night, Sonia
a good excuse to get gear. Sonia is also a regular at (a.k.a. other Soul Cycle
where are you from” as dedicates much of her
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 27
Interacting with Felipe steamy Brazilian accent. and carefree that he’s PSYC 157 class on the side. Pires is a single, foreign, shallow sellout snakes in
Pires (ES ‘20) is a lot Rumpus has felt nary a developing the “ReWire” Talk about an influencer. smart, entrepreneurial, this social cesspool. But
like having a venereal feeling more pleasurable app for Laurie Santos’ To recap, ladies, Felipe free-spirited, musically our journalistic integrity
disease. It’s not exactly a than listening to Felipe’s talented, smooth-talking pushed us forward, and
pleasant experience, but silky voice flow through sex god. Also, he’s a we asked the question
it is a relatively unique our ear canals as he computer science and that no reporter ever
one; it’s not something strums his guitar and economics double major; wants to ask.
you’re proud of, but it sings “Slow Dancing in a to put it another way, he “Are you a fuckboy?”
definitely gives you a Burning Room.” can handle your machine we asked guardedly,
new perspective on life. Although we were learning-AI-blockchain- legs nervously shifting
However, Felipe has lucky enough to catch clusterfuck-side and your around.
the added bonus of not the tan man on campus, business side, if you know There was a long pause.
actually being a venereal Felipe is currently taking what we mean. Felipe opened his mouth,
disease, so you can still the semester off in order But don’t let the closed it, opened it again,
have sex with people to work on a startup above fool you; we’re forming the words we
after talking to him. That and *find himself* while not just trying to find a never wanted to hear.
being said, after talking to travelling the world. Most gal for Felipe. Rather, And yet, we already knew
him, odds r e c e n t l y, we’re trying to give the it was coming—the denial
are you
won’t want FELIPE this
him spend
had conspicuously bae-less
man a platform so that
could only last so long.
With a casual chuckle
anyone
else. PIRES the better
part of
he can do it himself. But
our attempt to find what
and a gleam in his eyes,
Felipe said, “No, I’m
Felipe most beautiful a week sets this foxy foreigner Brazilian.”
hails from getting lit aflutter was futile: when We guess, in the end,
the great AMERICAN DREAM “all day, we asked Felipe what love maybe everyone is one-
nation of every day is, all he said was, “follow dimensional. But for what
Brazil, but you don’t have [bro]” at Carnaval in me on Instagram,” and it’s worth, at least Felipe’s
to ask him to know that— Rio. It’s safe to say he’s when we asked him what dimension wears ankle
he’ll either tell you within a lot better at not being beauty meant to him, bracelets and serenades
the first few minutes of a sad fuck than the rest he said “I’m Brazilian.” you with John Mayer.
meeting him or you’ll of us (well, all of us here At that point, we were
infer it quickly from the at Rumpus at least, like ready to give up. In the —SEAN WALKER
fact that he’s wearing an if u agree). In fact, he’s end, it seemed like he
ankle bracelet and has a so good at being happy Photo by Your Mom was just like all the other

Kai Nugent (SY ‘20) is next he’ll perform in patterned, button-up shirt struggle—that’s why we balls. Eyeballs to be to clean your room.”
a master performer. When Rumpus’ bedroom. Kai didn’t give it away, Kai’s keep a list all our exes’ precise. “I love eyes,” said “She had laid out,
he’s not performing also puts the Kai in Chi also really, really single. birthdays, just in case Kai. “Not like a specific in a very artsy way on
as a witness for Yale’s Psi, which would be “If my life were a we need another reason color. There’s definitely my carpet, a canister of
Mock Trial team, he’s embarrassing to say, if movie it would be called to hate ourselves. “She like, eyes of all colors, weed from my closet,
performing plays in the people knew Chi Psi Unlucky in Love,” said bit my tongue so hard it that are, like, really pretty. a condom, a single
theater, and hopefully existed. And if his banana- Kai. “I’d do almost bled,” said Kai. “That’s It’s just something about cigarette, my fake ID, and
anything for love.” when I said okay, this is eyes, that are really... a bottle of adderall,” said
He’d do anything for enough.” striking.” Kai. Rumpus thinks this
love, except for vampire So what does Kai look criminal act might be
roleplay. Kai might look
like a snack, but he’s
for in a hookup? “If I
could have a threesome KAI Kai’s inspiration for
joining Mock Trial, or
not tryna be a snack.
He had this sexual un-
with any two people,
I’d probably choose NUGENT maybe he’s just trying
to get cuffed. But if
awakening, when during Beyoncé and Shego from most beautiful you’re not into bad bois
a smexy Woad’s hookup Kim Possible. She was in handcuffs, Kai said
FINGERS ;)
(romantic!), Kai came to my first crush. I loved has REALLY REALLY
the dreadful realization Shego.” Rumpus thinks long fingers. Rumpus
that his boo-thang had a... that’s pretty woke, and can confirm ;)
lip-biting kink. diverse. No wonder Kai’s Rumpus disagrees “One time there this
The first time the two an African American with Kai who said his guy I was sitting next
kissed at Woads, she Studies and Political own eyeballs weren’t to the plane and he
nibbled his lip, and he was Science double-major. beautiful. Maybe it’s was telling me that he
like, “okay, slow down Don’t worry, if you’re because he can’t bare to was an independent
with that.” The second not a pop goddess or super stare at himself in the watchmaker,” said Kai.
time, she chomped on his villain, Kai’s looking for mirror after his most “He asked me if I’d model
tongue, so he ghosted her. someone “funny, smart, embarrassing moment, some watches.” That’s not
“But then I saw her at and who doesn’t take ever. the only hand job Rumpus
Woads, and it was her themselves too seriously” After his high school would like to give him.
birthday, and I was like to take on his dream date: graduation rehearsal, Too bad we all can’t be
oh but it’s her birthday, champagne and flowers Kai received a text from Shego and Beyoncé.
so I had to hook up with atop the Saybrook Tower his mom with photo
her again,” said Kai. roof. captioned “this is why —KIDDEST SINKE
Photo by Sol Thompson Rumpus understands the Kai’s also really into you don’t ask your mom
28 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

ADA
“I’m considering the an excellent chef, but she Nelson, director of the motto: “fake it till you pose in front of some
Art History major but limits the scope of her Afro-American Cultural make it.” While Ada depiction of medieval
I’m also pre-med” Ada creations to Italian food Center. This reminded glided out of the gallery, brutality. The old lady
Griffin (GH ’21) said. Uh-
oh, we thought: Rumpus
and French Essentials
from the New York Times
GRIFFIN Rumpus of our favorite
thing about college: the
Rumpus stayed behind
to unpack the experience.
ceremoniously offered a
nod of approval, and—for
had fallen into a classic Culinary Collection most beautiful level arena of consenting When the next museum just a second—we felt like
trap—interviewing (which, to Rumpus’ adults, but it turned regular hobbled past, we we had made it.
SPY KID
an art historian in an chagrin, does not include out Ada wasn’t looking assumed a mock-pensive —CHASE WESTOVER
art gallery. Rumpus hot pockets). “If I’m out were utterly insane. for pure adultery. She
had initially suggested going to be bougie about With a look of faraway preferred the idea of
upstairs G-heav, hoping anything it might as well longing in her dreamy eventually becoming
to Snackpass a greasy be food.” Ada also likes eyes, she described one of a second wife. A sort
panini beforehand, but cooking up conspiracy those nights for Rumpus. of Unknown Mortal
Ada insisted on meeting theories about her own After pre-gaming the Orchestra, Multi-Love
at the Center for Priceless “sus” parents. She’s boat ride to the private scenario.
British Shit, and it was convinced they’re spies island restaurant For those curious
clear why. Reclining because they used to live (ordinary and ordinary), readers, Ada is currently
on a priceless leather in D.C. and Saipan, a she sipped wine and single and interested in
couch, Ada’s lithe figure Pacific island and one of broke hearts over small both guys and gals. She
perfectly accentuated the closest US territories talk with University of recently went through a
the elegant room of to the trap house where Padua students (Rumpus tough breakup with her
priceless paintings that Kim Jong Un throws his tactfully pretended that significant other, and
she probably knew a lot explosive EDM parties. we had heard of Italy’s she has become severely
about. Her parents’ alibi is tech second oldest university). disenchanted with Yale’s
“I mean, I really fuck consulting, but Ada Only after departing the hookup culture. Even if
with science… but I love doesn’t buy it and she island did her entourage Ada were on the prowl,
art” she said, letting out has Rumpus sufficiently go clubbing. we are not sure how one
a silken sigh. Damn. worried we might end up Right as Rumpus would approach winning
Rumpus had hoped with a dome full of lead started to become her affections. In addition
that she fucked with for writing this. suspicious of the totally to her rigorous academic
washed-up writers. We Although Ada wowed faultless human before us, pursuits, she plays wing
had to stifle the urge to us with off-the-record we uncovered a morsel for the rugby team and
let Ada know that we stories of her Yale antics, of dirt on Ada. Without sometimes pummels
also fucked with wacky her wildest nights have much prompting, she other humans with her
combinations, like fries most *definitely* not enthusiastically divulged body. She really does it
dipped in milkshakes. been at Yale University. a deep passion for the all.
Ada’s fine taste She spent last summer only married 50 Moster Ada left us with one
from last year: Dean Photo by Sol Thompson
extends beyond art. She’s in Venice and her nights last tidbit, her personal

Ever meet a girl so and not in the way that Rumpus exists? But don’t forget that
beautiful you just expect most Yalies fake it for their Sarah agreed that Sarah is a fellow Yalie and
her to be a bitch? Rumpus college apps. She’s the the Rumpus staff is a that she has her moments
has, and we were always founder of Girl Up Yale, beautiful bunch. When too. At her first Woads,
right until we met Sarah the Business Manager for asked to play FMK with Sarah ended the night
Gale (JE ’20). From the tips her a cappella group, Out the three Rumpdaddies, with a bang – getting
of the Blue, a Community Sarah said she’d fuck dragged out by a bouncer
SARAH Health Educator, and
a Theta Girl. That’s
Nick and marry Zach
because he looks “super
and throwing up right
on York Street. “I saw

GALE right, she’s that girl who
everyone wants to hate,
wholesome.” Rumpus
takes this as evidence
feet running away from
me,” Sarah admitted,
but just can’t because that looks truly can reliving what must be one
most beautiful she’s so damn nice. Girls be deceiving! Sorry of her most memorable
want to be her, and boys Chase, Sarah hopes you moments at Yale. Don’t
want to fuck be with her. understand. worry, Sarah, Rumpus is
50 MOST-CEST Speaking of boys, Sarah If you’re starting to feel sure that you even then
is not single. She’s dating bad about yourself, just looked beautiful.
of her golden highlights to SigEp Legend Yonatan know that Sarah is about When asked what
the edges of her Canada Zeff (50 Most ‘15) who to make you feel worse. she believes makes her
Goose jacket, Sarah kindly warned her that When asked to describe beautiful, Sarah bashfully
exudes the kind of natural this interview would her beauty routine, Sarah stated “I don’t think
beauty Rumpus dreams consist of “very tricky bashfully admitted that people look at my picture
of achieving. When asked questions.” He didn’t lie. it takes all of 20 minutes. and think that I’m one of
how it felt to be one of the Our tricky questioning “I wake up, get dressed, the fifty most beautiful
50 Most Beautiful People led to the discovery that brush my hair, brush people, but I mean thank
at Yale, Sarah admitted Sarah has been involved my teeth, and my day you to those who do.”
“I was happy, I guess.” with more than one 50 begins.” Rumpus usually You’re welcome, Sarah.
We’re thrilled by your Moster. Beautiful people wakes up and takes twice
enthusiasm, Sarah. must stick together after as much time to wipe last —LEILA HALLEY-
Sarah is a do-gooder, all: why else do you think night’s vomit off our chin. WRIGHT Photo by Sol Thompson
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 29
Myles Cameron (ES ‘19) one day, but not the gay alternative cool kids, the from alcohol or other
is so hot that Rumpus part. He dreams to make Fence House, as he gets natural causes. He’s more
almost overlooked the music, be sad, and be #lit –– see it for yourself. into avocado and sesame
fact that he is an EP&E powerful. As an EP&E He claims that this seeds than Vodka and
major. Myles Cameron newfound attractiveness, Mio (shocking).
is so hot that girls aren’t
even turned off by his
MYLES much like a fetus or
tapeworm, is a hassle. Just
When pressed for
regrets, mistakes, and
allergies (dairy, peanuts,
tree nuts, red meat, lentils,
CAMERON recently, Myles decided
to try his luck on Tinder.
funny stories from his
time here, Myles didn’t
chickpeas, sesame seeds, most beautiful Within three swipes, have much to say. He is
and avocado). Myles he saw his ex. She was a man of his word (with
Cameron is so hot that if SOULFUL, SUBURBAN wearing his sweatshirt. that sweet, soulful voice)
you saw him cry, which SAD BOY He deleted the app (and and promised Rumpus
you can assume he does probably cried). Sad shit he is “a chill guy.” Deep
often given his major and major, we question his like this really fuels those in his eyes you can see it,
allergies, you’d want to ability to not sell out. creative fires. Burn the a flicker of un-chillness
lick the salty tears off his (Rumpus is rooting for city down with your sick waiting to explode.
beautiful, moisturized you, bud!) beats, sad boy. Buried within him is
skin. Rumpus was confused “I am really good a monster, like Kanye
Myles will be the first to as to how Myles had not at puking,” he said, West. His eyes lit up and
admit: he is a sad boy. Not already been included practically begging his smile widened every
that this is a bad thing; in 50 Most. Myles said Rumpus to take the time he spoke of Grimes
this is how he creates that, if he was hot, it was comment out of context. or Kanye or Travis Scott.
beautiful music and a relatively new thing. Rumpus doesn’t make Our eyes lit up every time
meets beautiful women. He was self-proclaimed music like Myles, but we he spoke. Speak more
He looks for inspiration ugly in high school. are sad (like Myles) and deep man. Oh, yes, sad
from really obscure, Perhaps he is peaking puke regularly. With his boy. Tell me more about
innovative artists. Ever right now? Go watch allergies, Myles often your Soundcloud.
heard of Frank Ocean? him perform in Shades, has to forcefully remove
Photo by Sol Thompson Didn’t think so. He wants or be performative in a toxins from his gut. —DUSTIN
to be like Frank Ocean, distasteful theatre of Yale- Rarely does he vomit DUNAWAY

someone interjected “Is that sweet potatoes?” boots glow in the dark, important enough for
and asked how she There are two sides to but only in dark rooms, CC to call her parents
would kill Zach. CC this 50 Moster: bitch and do you wanna come about, Rumpus wanted
replied instinctively Kath, with, in her own see?’” Smooth. What to know just where her
with “autoerotic words, “some overlap.” does she like about him? nomination stands in
asphyxiation.” Sorry, CC used to be in “He always gets first in her achievements in life.
Zach, but at least you’ll Theta, but learned from Fortnite, it’s really hot. “Fuck…second to being
go out the way Rumpus her mistakes and joined It’s our foreplay, Fortnite born.” And how about
has always imagined we is our foreplay” *breaks some choice words from
would: out of breath and
drenched in our own
CC down laughing*. “Just
watching.”
someone so wise? “Don’t
rush perfection.” (We
bodily fluids.
Over dinner, Rumpus
CREWS We gave CC the
chance to choose her
think she was referring to
her foot arches.)
learned a lot about what’s most beautiful own superlative; she CC has impressively
going on in CC’s head. FOOT ARCHES chose Most Beautiful stuck by this mantra since
Will humanity redeem Foot Arches. “I have such her birth: “I just screamed
itself? “I think so…I think Fence. Since then, she’s nice feet. Yes, I’d like out through the tunnel:
it’s a bell curve…what is made it a point to live up my feet to be fetishized, don’t rush me, I’ll take my
it? A sine wave?” to the good Fence name it’s validation…I’m not time!” Rumpus is glad
What was she eating? — including the time she fetishizing other people’s her mom listened, so CC
“I’d like to be on the went to Gov Ball and feet, I just want people to could enter the world feet
record that I’m a picky decided to “pull an Ilana” find my feet…cause other first.
bitch. I’m eating a seared (of Broad City fame) by people’s feet are kinda Before getting the
tuna filet, with special smuggling an eighth up gross…” check, Rumpus wanted
Photo by Josh Tarplin sauce — Szechuan her “cooch.” She later Apparently her friends to know what captures
sauce?” smoked it with her friends used to think she had this 50 Moster’s attention.
“I called my Mom. tell you about this one Why this particular without telling anybody. “little devil hoof feet” but CC is “just tryna take it
Please don’t disqualify that matters.’ They were dish? “First I wanted tuna Girl power. CC says that’s “because all in…usually I’m just
me. I called my mom happy.” tartare but then I felt like Sorry horny boys, but they were high one day staring at someone. Their
and I said ‘Mom get Dad CC Crews (ES ’19) a bitch ordering it, it just CC has a boyfriend, and and it caught on.” “I have hotness.” And where
on the phone,’ and then appreciates the things like sounds soo bitchy, his name is Scott. He’s great arches. I have great would that be, CC?
my dad and mom were that matter, like a good like ‘can I get a Tuna in Sig Ep, but this staffer arches!” “Located in the balls.”
both on speakerphone game of fuck, marry, kill Tartare,’ but then Kath used to be too, so we So how does Scott
and I said ‘okay, I haven’t with Rumpus’ Editors- told me - as in my Kath forgive him. CC met Scott feel about them? “I have —NICK ADEYI
gotten many things at in-Chief. “Marry Nick—” side of myself - that this “because I was wearing validation from someone
Yale but *laughs* let me before she could finish, (the filet) was closest to glow in the dark rain at least.”
tuna tartare.” CC paused. boots...I said ‘my rain Since 50 Most was
30 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

Happy. Inquisitive. she a math major and peer Men were “as dependable important as the academic
Witty. Focused (or at tutor, she also (correctly) as Yale oatmeal.” If by aspect,” she explained.
least she tries to be). ranked thin mints as her ‘dependable’ Claire “I could sit down
Indecisive. Five words favorite girl scout cookie. meant ‘varies between with almost anybody
that Claire Thompson Is Claire the ideal Yale watery and inconsistent on campus and learn
(TC ‘19) would use to student? Probably. She’s and bland’ then Rumpus something incredible
describe herself. Beautiful maintained a near-perfect can’t help but agree. Is about them that I would
in every possible way - attendance record (she she well read? Certainly. have never known
five words that Rumpus skipped her 9:00 A.M. Picture of Dorian Gray, otherwise.” Rumpus
would use to describe The Beast in the Jungle, wouldn’t want to sit next
Claire Thompson. “But
Rumpus,” you may
CLAIRE and Middlemarch
changed her life. Oh, and
to anybody we didn’t
know, let alone have a
ask in confusion, “what
does that even mean?”
THOMPSON she’s a huge Harry Potter
fan.
conversation. Claire’s just
as comfortable at Sig Ep
Well, Claire Thompson We know. Rumpus was (her favorite fraternity) as
manages to excel most beautiful just as impressed as you she is spending a night in
in every aspect that are. In the words of the with a good book.
matters at Yale; looks, OATMEAL late Billy Mays, “but wait, Oh, and she likes
clout, and finance. CONNOISSEUR there’s more!” Claire tall men with good
Is she superficially doesn’t just exceed as a personalities. Lmao good
beautiful? Yes. Take student (our words, not luck.
a look at her Instagram twice during sophomore hers - she’s super humble),
(managed by her little year. Rumpus made it but is as adept socially as -SOL THOMPSON
sister), and you’ll be to our 9:00 A.M. twice she is academically. We
graced with what can last semester), landed an know, a girl who’s a math
only be described as the internship at Goldman, major, a fan of classical
best smize this side of is a Community Health British literature, and
Theta Formal. She also Educator, is the head of wears too much black and
runs half marathons, the STI and Contraceptive too many turtlenecks (her
which she mentioned group, and is a dog words, not ours) couldn’t
like it was something person. Is she witty? Dear possibly be anything but a
that normal people do god, yes. In Rumpus’ shut-in. Claire is anything
for fun. Is she intelligent? 2017 Freshman Issue, she but. “I consider the social
Photo by Josh Tarplin
Absolutely. Not only is was quoted wishing Yale aspect of Yale just as

Everybody hates place on Earth where you to thank Garrett for his Yale has been successful.
quitters. Our culture can get a picture with service, and he will thank He has a love for and Photo by Josh Tarplin
values the brave men and Mickey Mouse and suck a you for your tax dollars. optimism about this
women who push through dick for meth on the same With his obligation to school that Rumpus finds
adversity and never give day. He brought with him the military nullified and frankly sickening. With a
up, but there’s a special nothing but his charisma his hair regrown, Garrett twinkle in his eye, he told
place in Rumpus’s heart and his beautiful, flowing went on a quitting spree us “I’m a big fan of Yale. I
for the other guys, the hair, which was promptly the likes of which Yale feel like my first two and
ones who hit a roadblock chopped off by the US had never seen. He quit a half years have flown
and say “fuck it” before the rugby team to join by, and I’m not sure I’ll
moving on to something
else. After all, history is
GARRETT club lacrosse, which he
later quit to rejoin rugby.
be ready to leave. All the
best friends I’ve ever had
rife with prolific quitters.
King Edward VIII gave
GILE Afterwards, he signed
up with the YD“N” to
I made at Yale.” Equally
sickening is how happy
up the throne in 1936 most beautiful write a sports column, he is with his girlfriend
to marry a divorcee. QUITTER which he discontinued Katherine Hong (50 Most
Michael Jordan quit the since “everyone who’s a ‘17), a member of Fence
NBA at the height of his YDN staffer says they’re Club who squirts Mio
success to play minor Navy. Garrett signed up miserable all the time and into Garrett’s mouth at
league baseball. And for Naval ROTC because don’t sleep.” He ended up parties, since as he puts it,
Richard Nixon resigned “being a navy pilot is an writing two columns, one “the medical community
the presidency because objectively dope job,” of which is In Defense of is not all in on cocaine.”
he was being an asshole. but by the end of his first Kevin Durant, another With his natural charm
But none of these men year realized that life on famous quitter who and dashing good looks,
can hold a candle to Yale’s the high seas was not for left the Oklahoma City this Florida Man is living
most prolific quitter, him. And so, rather than Thunder to join the team his bright college years
Garrett Gile (BK ‘19). be thrown into a pool that had eliminated him to the fullest. For anyone
Garrett’s first major of seamen, he dropped from the playoffs the who ever says quitters
quit came at the end of out. The best part? Since previous season. Seeing a never win, look to Garrett
his freshman year. Garrett he quit after only one trend? Gile and see that you are
arrived on Old Campus year, the Navy let him But despite how wrong.
after traveling from keep the first year of his society might view him,
Orlando, Florida, the only scholarship. So feel free Garrett’s sure his time at —ZACH KREISER
yalerumpus.com APRIL 2018 31

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32 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

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