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NEW HAVEN EDITION
NOVEMBER 2017 THE ONLY MAGAZINE AT YALE ABOUT STUFF AT YALE VOL 25 ISSUE 2

25 ANNIVERSARY ISSUE
TH

E S &
L E T &
H
AT HOL ER E S
ASS CANC
A S S
M Y !
OH

PRESENTED BY TEMPLE WINE AND LIQUOR
2 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

The Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale.

The Rump’s View
Booty Munchers
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Nick Adeyi
Chase Ammon
Zachary Kreiser

Anal Douche
PUBLISHER To our esteemed readers,
Henry Loughlin
Welcome back. It’s been a lil’ while since we met like this - we’ve had our hands full nurturing the next generation of Rumpus,
Brazilian Waxes and you can bet your Canada Goose it was damn well worth the wait. They’re hot, they’re talented, and they can’t wait to
MANAGING EDITORS expose all the ridiculous shit you Yale students privileged asshats have been up to. Our ranks this year include celebrity
Kristina Cuello
Kiddest Sinke
progeny, a future Navy pilot, a 50-Moster, the daughter of a DILF, and two former SigEp softbois, giving Rumpus the most
clout of just about any group on campus this year.

Butt Implants To be initiated amongst the Rumpus fold, our new writers were put through a gauntlet of challenges to test their wits,
STAFF creativity, and sexual prowess. After receiving the RumpDaddies’ blessing in the bowels of our secret lair, our fledgling
Adam Shaw
Andi VonHilsheimer staffers ventured forth into the night where they engaged in nudity, performance art, and probably (definitely) peed on a
Anushka Walia few society tombs.
Carlos Velez
Charles Foster
Chase Westover Upon completion - a rare event here at Yale - our fully formed young convened on Rumpus’ off-campus corporate
Chloe Heller
Daniel Kaylor headquarters, where they regaled us with tales of their harrowing brushes with death and attempts to make out with hot
David Mccowin people on the street. Long story short, we all got reallll crunk and two Rumpdaddies shared a world class lap dance, while in
Dustin Dunaway
Dylan Forgione the middle of the party another exfoliated with facial cleanser rightfully stolen from the third floor of SigEp.
Eugenia Zhukovsky
Fatima Abaroa
Helia Gagnon Our new writers aren’t all that make this a truly special time for Rumpus - in addition to our finely toned asses, this semester
Jakub Madej will forever hold a special place in our hearts. One pleasant weekend in October, generations of degenerates convened on
Josh Tarplin
Journey Streams Yale’s campus to celebrate Rumpus’ 25th anniversary for a day that can only be described as a whirlwind tour of New Haven’s
Kristina Cuello finest alcohol-licensed establishments, including Sudler Hall, BAR, Mory’s, and the Branford God Quad. The office of Peter
Leila Halley-Wright
Lindsay Jost Salovey even sent an envoy to deliver an opening speech on ol’ Petey’s behalf: Dean Jonathan James, Deputy Dean of Yale
Lydia Hill College for Student Affairs in 1992 and a wisecracking old chap who delivered a riveting introduction.
Lydia Schooler
Mariah Kreutter
Miles Waits We sat enraptured as he detailed what it was like to be on campus when Rumpus was just starting, drinking it all in - and
Molly Ono
Musab Javed heavily drinking - as he waxed poetic about Ken Burns’ Vietnam documentary being the “pussy version of what actually
Nathan Murphy happened there,” pleasuring himself to 50 Most in the bathroom, and rumors of a gay Turkish orgy in the Trumbull courtyard.
Ryley Constable
Sean Walker Somewhat unsettled by Dean J.’s colorful references and bouts of casual racism, it was only later that we, along with the rest
Sol Thompson of the Rumpus dynasty, discovered that President Salovey had not, in fact, sent us an envoy. Rude.
Sophia Nam
Zach Glass
In reality, Dean Jonathan James was no Dean of days gone by, and actually had no affiliation with Yale whatsoever. In a coup
de grâce that will go down in Rumpus history, the founders themselves of this pillar of the Yale social fabric revealed that
Donks Dean Jonathan James was an actor they had hired from craigslist to deliver a 30-minute speech carefully crafted in advance.
LOB
Viviana Andaloza Marquez We got punk’d!
Alex Saiontz
Jenna Selati
We heard the stories of Yale debauchery past from our beautiful alumni, and are proud to inform you that Yalies have always
been hot messes. It seems, even, that history may be repeating itself. A former Editor- in-Chief who reigned in 2010 told us
Butt Chuggers of the Cock Goblin - a woman who loved giving blowjobs and had a list of the hundreds of men, all athletes, whose baloney
SPECIAL THANKS
All Our Alumni ponies had swallowed. To be clear, Rumpus is a sex-positive organization and has nothing but admiration for this Strong
Dean Jonathan James
Albert Burton Glassman Women. We hope that the Cock Goblin can serve as example to the Yale community: know what you want and go for it! Also,
MILFs & DILFs Rumpus endorses the Cock Goblin as the mascot of both Pauli Murray and Ben Franklin Colleges.
NeNe Leakes
The Yale Bowel
The Verb Team Perhaps the most important part of the reunion was the establishment of the Rumpus endowment. That’s right bitches, we
got money. While none of us have actually seen any cash yet (and that’s why we called our good friend and sugar daddy
Temple Wine and Liquor to float this issue), we have been assured that it’s coming. The days of Poor Rumpus are over. We’ve
got a one-way ticket for upward social mobility and are leaving all of you peasants behind. Catch us at the hot socialite
events and don’t even try to talk to us. We don’t know you anymore. To quote the beloved Real Housewives of Atlanta star
Rumpus is a non-profit, non-partisan, non-violent monthly NeNe Leakes, “I don’t keep up with the Joneses, I am the Joneses.”
student publication published by RTA Publications and
registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. Yale College
is in no way responsible for its content. Any reproduction,
re-transmission or rebroadcast without express consent,
implicit or supercilious, from Rumpus Magazine, its parent
Humbly yours,
organizations, and its bastard offspring affiliations. All
members of the Yale community are entitled to one copy
RumpDaddies
per household. Failure to comply with this regulation will
result in the swift defenestration of Paul Freedman from the Editors-in-Chief
Loria Center onto the YD“N” building. If you would like to
purchase a monthly subscription (good luck with that) of
Rumpus please provide us with the dried placenta of your
firstborn child. Placentae can be mailed to Rumpus, PO Box
205659, Yale Station, New Haven, CT 06520. Subscribe
P.S. To any Harvard students, sucks to suck.
now to help us overthrow the evil reign of Taylor Swift
over Paul Freedman’s heart.
yalerumpus.com NOVEMBER 2017 3

RUMORS, TRUTHS WE COULDN’T PROVE, AND OTHER ALLE­GATIONS
RUMPUS
Yale’s new frosh as always, send any if you really want to boot after his own What frosh had her In another grusome
have really been get- new tips for stories dissapear, you go to roommate turned heart broken when sex tragedy, what
ting busy since they to RumpChat on the Slavic Reading him in. her love interest told Old Campus resi-
arrived on campus Facebook. Room. her he wanted to dent had her nipple
in August, which is What person with “keep things casual” bitten off while
evident by the fact What Freshman was What member of the close ties to the Yale mid-cunnilingus? hooking up with an
that they are the AWOL for so long heavyweight crew administration was Rumpus hopes she over-zealous lover?
subjects of 3 of the 4 that his roommates team was suspended involved in a 4some was at least able To the guy who did
juicy pieces of gossip reported him miss- after receiving his on Old Campus? to cum after being the deed: we hope
we’ve assembled for ing to the police, third bodily fluid We can only assume dumped mid-sex, you find someone
you here. Read on only to be found related ExComm? they woke up the but sadly given what who shares your can-
to hear all about the studying in the After shitting on the next morning with a we know about Yale nibalism fetish. Until
semen and blood stacks? Classic first floor in a public place mean case of morn- Men’s knowledge of then, keep your teeth
filled cesspool that year mistake - wasn’t enough, this ing Woodbridge. the clitoris, she did to yourself, bud.
is Old Campus, and everyon knows that unlucky lad got the not.

Maison Mathis

“Eat Ass, Smoke Grass, and Sled Fast”
4 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

VERB BARS GIVE YOU
ASS CANCER taken out of the house’s welcome sight for the re-
HENRY LOUGHLIN
second floor last spring, turning tenants. Human
Verb: that’s a noun. but when he moved in he feces, however, was not so
Scandalous: that’s an ad- thought he had stumbled welcome. Peter Zablocki
jective. Metastasize (as upon one. Upon opening (BK’19) recounts “arriv-
in “the rectal cancer may the door, he found a veri- ing at the house to an un- (SM ’19) recalled that
metastasize”): that’s a table army of mice slowly reasonably high number “We could not prove con-
Verb™. All of these may lurching away from his of clogged toilets,” which clusively that the Verb™ told that the second
be related beyond just feet. He continued, “the he could only attribute to team showered at any floor residents were
being parts of speech, only way anything could human activity. Wheth- point during the sum- faced with a similarly
according to thorough be that fat and lethargic er or not Zablocki tested mer.” non-draining sink when this time: little more than
investigation by Rumpus. is if they were exclusive- the leavings for freshness, There was a missing they returned in August. a sugar rush? It would
The story starts here: Ac- ly eating Verb bars.” Our Rumpus can still not ex- link: secret ingredients. Furthermore, Rumpus re- explain the impotence,
cording to residents of the correspondent likened plicitly place credence in In addition to clogged ceived reports from cred- but, if true, other possi-
Yale heavyweight crew the condition in which he his claims. If the plumb- toilets, energy bars, and ible sources who claim to ble health effects could be
house, a popular on-cam- herds of rodents, the sec- have attended a summer much more sinister. High

“The only way
pus energy bar startup ond floor residents came barbecue hosted by mem- consumption of foods rich
had requested to sublet home to a freezer full of bers of the Verb team–the in butter and sugar are
their home for a large frozen Kirkland® (the same gentlemen who ar- strongly correlated with
portion of the summer
of 2017. Deals were bro- anything could be generic brand of Cost-
co® products) butter and
gued they couldn’t sublet
the house because they
obesity. Of the 13 cancers
the CDC has found to

that fat and
ken/backed out of, and cabinets full of bulk-pur- would be out of New Ha- be associated with obe-
with little notice the Verb chased sugar. The same ven for the summer— the sity, cancer of the colon
team decided they would anonymous coxswain site of a house filled with and rectum are among
not be sub-letting in New
Haven for the summer. lethargic is if they quoted before elaborated
on the matter, stating that
Verb® bars and, more im-
portantly, butter and sug-
the most prominent. This
begs the pressing ques-

were exclusively
Feeling a bit burned with dozens of sticks of butter ar. tion: are Verb bars giving
only empty promises of and perhaps a half doz- If Verb was indeed your ass cancer?
partial rent payment to en bags of generic sugar squatting in the house In the event that you
serve as recompense, and
unable to fill the last min- eating Verb bars.” were left in the kitchen
of the supposedly-vacant
over the summer, one is
still left wondering what
do end up developing ass
cancer from all the Verb®
ute vacancies, the crew floor. Rumpus was provid- they were doing with all bars you’ve eaten over
house NICK ADEYItook a
residents ed with a photo showing those unnatural ingredi- the years, fret not: you’re
financial loss on the emp- found the mice to be to his ing abuse was a result of the vast quantity of butter ents? None of that shit is amidst good company.
ty rooms… well, they at own Verb-induced side ef- Verb overdose (in an as- remaining after over two listed on a Verb bar’s la- Many of America’s fin-
least believed that the fects, citing bloated stom- told-to essay for College months of use by the crew bel. Does the Verb team est, while not fans of Verb
rooms were going to be achs and drowsiness (par- Game Plan, Verb CEO house residents. just have a sweet-tooth, themselves, have fatally
empty. ticularly in the bedroom, Matt Czarnecki purports This could, of course, recreationally baking succumbed to ass cancer,
The rowers returned to leading him to blame his that he and his whole have been the work of vig- brownies? Unlikely, as in including Ronald Reagan,
find their home in even own sexual impotence on team eat 2-3 daily), it at ilante bakers sneaking in the same essay referenced Vince Lombardi, and Far-
greater disarray than the student start-up) from least proves that there is through the second floor previously the Verb team ah Fawcett just to name a
they had carefully left it eating Verb. enough caffeine in Verb to window to use the kitch- identify themselves as few. Former Harvard Law
in before. Boxes of Verb Mice are our friends– serve as a viable diuretic. en. Rumpus won’t debate “health nuts.” Verb attests student Ruth Bader Gins-
bars, empty and full, were they occupy important Happy mice, clogged this. Rumpus is only here that they tried 127 differ- berg was also diagnosed
scattered about the floor. ecological niches as soil toilets, and a hefty supply to report the facts, and ent recipes before they with colon cancer back
Cabinets were alleged- aerators and food sourc- of Verb bars can hardly speculate. Fact: At a dif- found the right balance, in the 90s–perhaps that
ly filled the brim with es for birds of prey. Mice substantiate claims of a ferent house which the so perhaps they were may motivate you snakes
inventoried, all-natural are used in vital medical vast conspiracy of betray- Verb® team chose to sub- just trying a new, less to try a Verb or two while
energy bars; however, research, and make their al, squatting, and ass can- let the previous summer, health-focused recipe. you’re on campus.
the residents hardly took way into many human cer, right? Right. True ev- the kitchen sink was al- Or, perhaps they’ve been
notice–there were more homes as beloved pets. idence of illicit habitation legedly clogged nearly sweetening their batches
pressing matters afoot. A Understanding what mice was hard to find. Outside beyond repair with oats, all this time.
junior coxswain, wishing can do for us humans, and of the well-used johns, the puffed rice, and other Imagine, the sustain-
to remain unnamed, said for the earth as a whole, bathrooms seemed un- all-natural ingredients. able rush of energy from
that he remembered any mouse droppings were touched. Jack Palmer Rumpus was Verb you’ve relied on all
and all shag carpets being not an immediately un-
yalerumpus.com NOVEMBER 2017 5
Harvard’s ex-class of 2021 edgy 8. Doing that thing
Leonardo DiCaprio does

memers: where are they now?
in Inception
Something about trying
to wake up from a bad
dream? Rumpus tried to
rewatch Inception (2010)
for Horny Bourgeois 3. Renting an apartment anti-social, hateful, and 7. Yale Class of 2021er
LYDIA SCHOOLER before Leo came to Yale
Teens. Interested in their in Cambridge to main- perverse sense of humor? They came here to have
this October, but we still
fates, Rumpus decided to tain the illusion of Ivy Don’t fight us on this. their “traditional beliefs
didn’t get it.
Sixth generation legacy check up on these “R-Rat- League grandeur challenged.” In fact, they
kids, wannabe Zucker- ed memers”, and com- After denying their 5. “I’m taking a Gap embody the holy trifecta
9. Confirmed: Attending
bergs, and old white men piled the following list of rescission to everyone, Year because I honestly of Yale sadomasochism:
University of Pennsyl-
who are still not ok with activities they’ve been do- including themselves, just felt so stifled and definitely a Buckley fel-
vania
the fact that Yale went ing instead of studying in they now channel their burned out from all the low, love to study in Bass,
Our sources confirm
co-ed in 1969: these are Cambridge. anger into egging the hard work I did in high and an aspiring YD”N”
that there is at least one
all factions that will be Office of Admissions and school. I just don’t know Editor-in-Chief. Spent
detestable “horny bour-
in town for the storied 1. B.A., Business & an aggressive number if intense academia is for the month of July com-
geoisie teen” at UPenn.
Harvard Yale football Management, University of Harvard geofiltered me, you know?” plaining about how they
There’s another 1600 at
game this weekend. But of Phoenix, 2021, summa Snapchat stories. Think Wow! Hope you do lots were sorted into Hopper
Penn.
noticibly absent from cum laude lots of impersonal shots of soul-searching. College on Alumni Red-
the crowd will be the ten At Yale, Gentleman’s Cs of Harvard Yard foliage dit threads and scouring
10. Crying alone in their
edgy teens who had their get degrees. At Harvard, or big lectures. 6. Taking no responsibil- Ebay for Calhoun College
room
acceptances to Harvard rescindees get online ity and blaming every- merch more outdated
Don’t worry, rescindee.
revoked after posting a degrees. 4. Freelance programmer one but themselves than their political phi-
You’re not missing out…
series of offenseive me- Who, besides a self-loath- On second thought, losophy. Please take an
that’s what you’d be
mes in a Facebook chat 2. Prison, inevitably ing CS major, could maybe they should be at ER&M class.
doing at Harvard!
called Harvard Memes Hopefully. possibly possess such an Harvard?

Exclusive interview with @YaleFratTinder
screenshots. But Rumpus al, what qualities do you cured a date, let alone a Yale Women™, right?! exposing these individu-
KIDDEST SINKE & was curious--how can an look for in a Tinder profile hookup. But if you had According to the men als in a negative light,” a
@NotYaleFratTinder entire population of sup- that’s worth posting? a choice, which featured of Yale’s most diverse, certain Sig Chi bro who
We here at Rumpus be- posedly intelligent and @YaleFratTinder: Fol- Frat Boy would you take woke, and truly political- wasn’t featured texted
lieve it’s our sacred duty well-educated man-chil- low @YaleFratTinder’s on a Tinder date? ly correct fraternity, DKE, Rumpus.
to cut Yale Men™ down dren believe in all sincer- clear formula, and your @ Ya l e F r a t Ti n d e r : “this sort of objectifica- “I think @YaleFratTin-
to size. If you’ve ever a) ity that the key to a girl’s WASPY ass might get fea- “Charles Callender, be- tion of men in fraternities der is making a non-vul-
swiped left once or twice heart (or, right finger tured: 1) Photo at Theta or cause he looks like a sexy would definitely cause nerable population vul-
on Yale’s campus, b) come swipe) is a rooftop photo Pi Phi formal surrounded pastor.” violent backlash had this nerable,” said one AEPi
in contact with lifeforms with your boys, plus a bio by hot females, 2) Photo been a reveal of sorority bro. He deleted his Tin-
who belong to Greek or- that says nothing in this in a bro-tank on the Sig Rumpus isn’t into kink girls’ Tinders.” der. “Is that a good thing
ganizations, or c) walked life matters more to you Ep roof or frat backyard, shaming, but in this case, “This page grossly mis- or a bad thing? Remains
past a resident softboi than finánce? Here’s a bit red solo cup and “looking we’d strongly suggest @ represented the culture of to be seen.”
weeping quietly over his of digging: thoughts from chill” is a must, 3) Picture YaleFratTinder goes to brotherhood by
phone in Starr while look- the frat boys of Yale, to with a dog, which will be church. Actually, on sec-
ing at the latest instagram their anonymous attacker, referenced in the profile’s ond thought, maybe not.
post he got tagged in, then to you. bio. 4) “Yale ‘18” followed We wouldn’t want seeing
you’re probably aware by something deliberately Jesus on a cross to get you
there’s a new voice on Yale Rumpus: How quirky if you’re in Sig Ep, too hot and flustered.
campus competing for the does a Yale frat boy get and your hometown and Undoubtably, @Yale-
power to roast the men of featured on such a presti- plane emoji if you’re not FratTinder’s greatest im-
this fine institution. gious, diverse Instagram Yale Rumpus: The peo- pact on campus has been
Before you ask, no, feed? ple are dying to know: the fear it has struck into
Rumpus does not run @ @YaleFratTinder: “Yale who is @YaleFratTinder? the hearts of Frat Boys
YaleFratTinder. We’re Men™ get featured for a A Yale Woman tired of looking for love/sex (but
funnier than that, and we number of reasons, but mediocre man sex? A dis- mostly sex) online. “I
have better things to do mostly because they are gruntled dropped SigEp haven’t been on Tinder
than swipe left on every packaging (wink wink) rush? A certain Rumpus since being featured out
man at Yale who’s not a themselves in a certain managing editor herself? of fear,” said Si Affron,
member of Sigma Phi Ep- way. These are the differ- @ Ya l e F r a t Ti n d e r : who said he’s “thankful
silon. You, @YaleFratTin- ent packages: wholesome “Maybe I’m a brother of his profile isn’t as heinous
der, have created a shittier (AEPi), sophisticated sigma phi epsilon my- as some.”
version of what 50 Most (Leo), or as embodying self?” More than one frat
does by bringing down frattiness with a kind of Yale Rumpus: That bro pouted about being
the hot people of this cam- self-reflexive irony (Sig would explain why, de- treated unfairly, which is
pus. We do God’s work; Ep)”. spite swiping and swip- totally valid because no
you collect semi-nude Yale Rumpus: In gener- ing, you still haven’t se- one has ever objectified
6 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

KRISTINA CUELLO
RATES THE HARV
SOL THOMPSON Justin Crichlow #14 Luis Viceira #26
For those who may not Height: 6-0 Height: 5-11
be in the loop, the Har- Weight: 165 Weight: 155
vard Men’s Soccer Team Year: Senior Year: Sophomore
was forced to cancel the Position: D Position: M
final two games of their Major: Economics Major: Unsure
2016 season due to “The Bio: Justin is a big fan of House Affiliation: Eliot
Scouting Report.” “What missionary. In fact, it’s the Bio: Luis is actually able to
was ‘The Scouting Report,’ only position he knows. Just attain flight, thanks to his
Rumpus?” you ask. Well, ask his girlfriend. As the aerodynamically-configured
the men’s soccer team captain of the team, his ego ears. He’s had mono twice in
maintained a publicly is massive, which is only his life, once from kissing a
searchable online docu- made bigger by the fact that female and once from
ment in which they rated he’s a model for IMG. http:// taking a lollipop from
women based on sexual www.imgmodels.com/ Justin’s mouth and sucking

Rating Rating
appeal on a scale from one justincrichlow/new-york/ on it at a Final Club.
to ten. The report includ- development-men Additional Notes: Very inse-
ed explicit descriptions
7.2
cure about his 3 inch penis.
9.5
Additional Notes: Cries after
of their physical traits cumming.
and musings about the
women’s preferred sexual
positions.
Here at Yale, and es-
pecially at Rumpus, we re-
Fernando Docters #20 Sebastian Lindner #18
Height: 5-10 Height: 5-9
spect women and support
Weight: 155 Weight: 160
whatever decisions they
Year: Frosh Year: Frosh
choose to make, inside
Position: D/M ;) Position: M
and outside of the bed-
Bio: As the self-proclaimed Bio: To mask his receding
room. So, we chose to
coolest member of the team, hairline, Seb opted for a
make a publicly viewable
Fernando often struggles mohawk that was aligned
document in which we
with his public image. by his favorite musician,
rate the Harvard Men’s
Standing at a minute 5’10”, Stevie Wonder. Addition-
Soccer Team’s starters on
his horrendous haircut ally, his patchy facial hair is
a sexual appeal scale of
serves as a paltry attempt to reminiscent of the freshmen
1 to 10. This report will
break the coveted 6’ mark. who participate in No-Shave
include semi-explicit de-
However, his Argentinean November just to realize
scriptions of their physical
background lends itself to a he’s only able to grow a few
traits and musings about
Rating Rating
striking pair of eyes. wilting chin pubes.
the guy’s preferred sexual
Additional Notes: Is insecure Additional Notes: Likes
positions. Hey, we never
Dubra for the taste.
6.1 4.6
said we wouldn’t to stoop about his love for Ariana
to their level. Grande.
yalerumpus.com NOVEMBER 2017 7

VARD MEN’S SOCCER TEAM
Matthew Glass #16 Taner Dogan #8
Height: 6-1 Height: 6-0
Weight: 165 Weight: 175
Year: Sophomore Year: Sophomore
Position: M Position: M
High School: Jesuit House Affiliation: Quincy
Bio: Matt Glass was Bio: Taner applied to
waitlisted, despite being a Harvard after hearing
recruited athlete. He was about the college in Legally
bullied in high school by Blonde. He has been over-
other students calling him heard saying that he’d never
Matthew Ass, which he is eat a girl out because he
still a little self conscious “thinks vaginas are scary.”
about. He one day hopes to Additional Notes: Best
be a plastic surgeon “so he friends with Matt Glass.

Rating Rating
can look at boobs all day.” They kissed once during
Additional Notes: Unable to freshman year but they don’t
spell “definitely.” like to talk about it.
5.0 6.8

Paolo Belloni-Urso #12 Christian Sady #7
Height: 5-8 Height: 5-8
Weight: 150 Weight: 145
Year: Frosh Year: Senior
Position: M/F Position: M
Bio: We can’t be super Bio: Known around Har-
critical of everyone on the vard Campus as “the less
team. Paolo is a very good attractive Fernando Docters
looking kid. However, his (see left),” Christian Sady
dime status around campus is an aspiring Indonesian
is his downfall. He’s lazy major. He enjoys sending
in bed because he knows photos of himself in the
he’s attractive, causing his shower at random times to
partners to wonder if he’s an girls on his snap list, all of
asshole or if he’s closeted. which have seen his penis at

Rating Rating
Additional Notes: He’s a one time or another.
good dancer, which doesn’t Additional Notes: Spends
help the closeted rumor. his Tuesday nights crying to
9.1 4.7 Drake’s “Too Good.”
8 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

Good eats To be a Waod’s Scholar

around Yale
To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The bad hangover of pregamed drinking
Or to cry over thine orgo pset.
Either way come Thursday morn it will be
å BAR, Est Est Est, Wall include it would be an A regret thou knoweth well, the FOMO
MOLLY ONO Street Pizza, or even good insult to the multitudes Versus last night’s fun and the day’s sufferance.
old Yorkside. There’s also of students studying their But woads, oh woads, thou play the sweetest tunes!
With New Haven that place on Edgewood days away in the likes of There is comfort in its volume, drowning
Restaurant Week coming that Rumpus is pretty Maison Mathis, Blue State Thine regretful attempts at conversing
to a close and the brisk sure is a front. Wherever Coffee, Koffee?, Book With the Yalies more attractive after
autumn wind kicking you decide, you can’t go Trader’s, or Starbucks. Shots thou procured at someone’s suite.
up, we here at Rumpus wrong with the gooey Weep over your midterms Because thou forgot thine fake in TD
thought it high time cheesiness of any of these and stay caffeinated at And ‘tis too far to trek in highheeled shoes,
to compile a list of the establishments. any one of these cozy The penny shots must wait for the next week:
best things you can sink coffee shops. One more reason to continue the streak
your teeth into around ICE CREAM Of woadsing each Wednesday this semester.
our lovely campus. And The two main ice VAGINA Thou curse the day thou makest thine schedule
considering New Haven’s creameries duking it out My heterosexual male With a nine AM every Thursday morn,
reputation for being a across Yale’s campus friend told me the other But ‘tis the challenge that further pushes
hotspot of culinary gems, are Ashley’s—famous day that in all of his Yalies to succeed--rather to survive.
the following dining for their ice-cream-in-a- sexual encounters with To dance and sweat under the strobing lights,
options were almost no- frisbee concoction—and Yale women, he has not Nothing gives so much joy to be alive.
brainers. And so my dear Arethusa—the one that once gone down on one. The proximity to friends and strangers
reader, forge ahead and also sells fancy cheese. Do not be him. If you are Puzzles the will of the token sober
get the scoop on what to Both are wonderful, hooking up with a person Person, but it causes little concern
eat while at Yale! albeit a bit different in with a vagina, eat that To those partaking in celebration.
atmosphere, so try both to goddamn vagina. DO Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
PIZZA find out which camp you YOU HEAR ME? EAT Awoken in a musty Saybrook suite
This one is easy—New fall into. And for those YALE VAGINA. This has Far from thine own bed come early Thursday.
Haven’s pizzeria options who prefer frozen yogurt, been your warning, you But ‘twas last week; thou learn from thine mistakes.
are almost endless. Stop there’s also Froyo World! fucking pricks. With this regard thou resolve to return
in for a slice at the famous Despite thine grades quickly fallen from grace.
Pepe’s, or opt for other COFFEE COME EAT AT YALE The pset can wait for another dawn.
delicious choices, such as So, one doesn’t eat TODAY! Be all thine sins remembered.
Sally’s, Modern Apizza, coffee per se, but to not
å CHLOE HELLER

Lies that Yale Tours told you Think back to that During your time here into every academic - the food here sucks, how Yalies (sensually)
RILEY CONSTABLE tour of Yale you took this weekend, you’ll get to field. If you looked at nobody uses the Beinecke, rub his toe for good luck
as a high school senior. experience the real Yale, Yale tour guides, you’d Timothy Dwight isn’t during Finals Week. Does
To any Harvard student You’ve probably done and to help you prepare, draw the conclusion that actually a real place, etc. this story sound familiar?
who may pick up this so countless times, Rumpus has compiled 3/5 of students major in - but you were told one It turns out that it is 100%
toilet paper disguised as ruminating on how some of the myths that a meaningful field like truth at the conclusion of true, and if you want any
print media: welcome architecturally diverse you were told on your MCDB or Chemistry. your (admittedly boring of the good luck that led to
back to the place you and not-red-bricky Yale Tours. Nah, we’re very much and arbitrary) tour. You us coming to Yale instead
probably got into and have everything was. We get it! The first leg of your like you in a way; if we probably ended up at a of your sorry school,
regretted not attending You’ve been so deprived tour probably started were actually smart, we’d statue of a seated man you should partake in
ever since. Just think, if of a college campus that’s with you standing in front be at Carnegie Mellon or donning robes in the the ritual. Just rub your
only you had kissed your actually pleasant for so of the Yale Undergraduate Cal Tech or some shit - we middle of Old Campus. hands all over that foot,
AP Physics teacher’s ass a long that you seek it here, Admissions office with all got in here because of Your tour guide, now even kiss it, and don’t be
little less in high school or at the university that got some assorted students of our superior ability to likely to be New York’s afraid to slip some tongue
scored 10 points lower on away. However, don’t various majors, appearing bullshit. So naturally, the most overqualified in there. You just might be
your SAT, you could have let your appetite for true to be eager to show you most common majors barista) will inform you able to taste the excellence
avoided Final Clubs, bars beauty lower your guard the smartest place on here, by far, are also that said man is not the inside of every Yalie.
that are strict on fake IDs, and let you believe the Earth. There are two History and Economics. assumed Elihu Yale, but
and an unejoyable college propaganda they fed you lies here. The first is that There are many other instead TD Woolsey. They
experience. on that tour so long ago. Yalies self-sort themselves lies the tour guides spread will then tell you about
yalerumpus.com NOVEMBER 2017 9

DILF’s daughter How to find a
tells all sugar daddy at to be marked off. He got
invited to a pregame at
Donut Crazy. Later that

The Game
Stranger Things. He night, he was on the list
ANDI VONHILSHEIMER literally radiates coolness. for an exclusive frat party
As soon as I introduced while I got turned away.
Various Yale students my dad to my friends, I guess people think å LYDIA HILL
throughout parents weekend: two months of impressive having a good looking
“Andi’s dad is soooooo jokes, weekend bonding, dad is the greatest thing
good looking.” and embarrassing ever, like I should be Tattoo your Think of it as a scavenger kiss him on the lips. Even
“Andi, your dad is Snapchat conversations grateful that I have at SeekingArrangment. hunt. when he begins to open
actually kinda hot.” swirled down the social least a smidgen of his com username just above Use your legacy friend up to you, do not let him
“Wow Andi, your dad drain. I was forgotten. magical genetics, but it’s your asscrack. Then crash to get into the Yale alumni know too much about
is THE MAN!” Irrelevant. Their eyes hard to be the daughter Saybrook Strip. (Bonus tailgate tent. Once inside, yourself. Show him the
“Andi’s dad looks so glistened with interest of a DILF. Your parent points if you’re not in speak loudly with him/ cruelty of his financial
young and fit.” as my dad told stories of having more pull than Saybrook.) her about how upset you practices. Get in his head.
For eighteen years, I his apache pilot days and you is almost like this sick Volunteer to walk are with the Calhoun When the pay-period
have lived in my dad’s made jokes about things violation in the order of Handsome Dan before the name change. Once a ends, ditch him. Don’t
shadow. Parents weekend other than “ripped jeans” the universe, like seeing game starts. Hold him for critical mass of retired worry, though. It’s not
was no exception. and how things were your high school teacher ransom. Flirt a little in the men have joined the over. He’ll come rescue
Compared to the different in his day. They in a bar when you come ransom notes. Gradually conversation, take your you from your Ldub
crinkly, sixty-three were mesmerized in all home from college. When increase intensity of pick. You earned this one. bunk double. And when
year old accountants his glory. he returned home to open flirtation. Form an Find a recently he does, rescue him right
named Edgar that make The entire weekend mic and paddle surfing emotional bond and make dumped, wealthy back.
inappropriate comments served as a painful in Florida, the order of a quiet arrangement with investment banker alum,
after they get drunk and reminder that my dad is the universe returned to Peter Salovey. Keep the who’s just in town for the
rehash their glory days and always will be hotter normal. People once again dog. game and some alumni
at Yale, my dad is the than me. At the volleyball were laughing at my (https://en.wikipedia. events. He’s older; not
epitome of the Yale female game against Harvard, jokes and inviting me to org/wiki/Harvard_ gross old, but like silver
“DILF” fantasy. He’s many of my fellow Yale pregames, the fuckability University_Professor) fox old. Take him up on
a tall, tan doctor from females had their eyes of my dad now a quiet This is the link for a his offer of bringing you
Florida that paddle surfs. uncomfortably fixed whisper in the shadows. Wikipedia page which along to a few dinners,
He has a travel guitar that on my dad, the “DILF” Next time, I’m inviting contains the name of just for the weekend, at a
he uses to sing covers of square in their Rumpus my grandma to parent’s several current prominent cost. Don’t be too forward.
Johnny Cash. He watches Hookup bingo just itching weekend. Harvard Professors. Most importantly, don’t

A run in with a social climber
DUSTIN DUNAWAY
our friendship is entirely
surface level. I know it
But here, back at school,
you’re just another
bestie just #goals? We go
to Blue State on Tuesday
But I am not really into
the whole “exclusive”
a meal. You never know
who can take you further
Hey, you! How’re you? was misleading when I acquaintance, and afternoons and talk so thing. I much prefer into the social scene. I
Give me a hug, bring it called you this summer follower! Don’t forget to much shit about happier leading people on, have a friend who has an
in! I’m a hugger! Sorry I like my latest Instagram people. letting them think I ex who is rooming with
haven’t texted you back picture: a photo of me and I see you watched my am interested in a long a Rockefeller. I know,
in two days, and seeing
you right now has just “I see you my roommate, hugging
tighter than our dresses
first Snapchat video, but
not the second. Brings
term commitment, and
then Snapchatting them
connections like these
ARE hard to come by.
reminded me! I am always watched and smiling harder than me to ask: why? Was photos of a LEO brother I’m headed to the
studying, so I usually
don’t find the time to
my first my Econ problem set,
with a Yale flag hanging
the video of a Junior in
Branford smoking weed
in my bed. Classic!
Sorry, I’ve gotta run!
library, I’m meeting up
with a few people I hardly
be there for people who Snapchat in the background. She’s not enthralling enough? I know you didn’t get know to engage in a
thought I was their friend. video, but my best friend. Yeah, I try to provide only a chance to speak and, thrilling conversation that
Gosh, my classes are
STACKED! That gives me not the my roommate
freshman year, because
from the most iconic, classic
Yale material. His name
of course, that was
intentional. I don’t
will seem like I am more
interested in their lives
every excuse to be flakey. second. I refused to take time to is Chad, and before necessarily care what than I am. I’ll show them
But it’s okay, because that
was a good hug, right?
Brings me to establish close bonds with
anyone else during my
you even ask, YES! We
did hook up. He rows
you have to say. All that
matters is that I had a good
pictures of my nephew
to establish a personal
Don’t take it personally. ask: why?” first weeks here. Good lightweight crew, and two minutes of speaking connection! They’ll love
In fact, don’t take any of thing I have so many we have this really cute time. I have to practice for it! But I guess I will see
this personally! You’re surface level friendships! bit where he pretends to when I run into a stranger you around; let me know
just a rung on the ladder and had an extraordinary Quantity over quality, am forget my name. Chad is at a party, or see someone if you become more
I am steadily climbing; personal conversation. I right? Aren’t me and my so funny! sitting vulnerably alone at popular!
10 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

Useless and sinister, my appendix is a Harvard fan
to surgically remove the enough level, a nurse led make you feel even more was possible that he had knowledging that I com-
JENNA SELATI satanic tube-shaped sac, me into a hallway littered naked than when you are been left there on pur- pletely understood and
A significant amount which is comparable to with occupied stretch- actually naked. Once she pose. was okay with whatever
of research has been ded- an exorcism. I recently ers. She brought me into had left, I stuffed three This distracted me from the hell the forms said,
icated to the study of ap- battled appendicitis my- a three-walled compart- into my backpack to bring my symptoms until I was and then I was brought
pendicitis, a potentially self, if that wasn’t already ment, which instead of home for my friends. taken down the hall for into the operating room.
life-threatening medical clear. a fourth wall featured a For the next two hours, an ultrasound, which A handsome anesthesi-
condition in which the Because appendicitis is curtain that hid absolute- I sat on my hospital bed doctors use to determine ologist arrived to knock
appendix becomes in- a condition that requires how hard your appendix me out, and I made sure
flamed. The appendix is a immediate attention, is trying to kill you. The to write his name down in
small, worm-like append- I was given a compli- sonographer had to press my phone before he took
age located in the abdom- mentary ambulance ride what felt like her entire it away because apparent-
inal cavity’s RLQ (right from Yale Health to the body weight into my RLQ ly “having surgery is like
lower quadrant), and its YNHH emergency room. in order to get what was flying in an airplane—the
only proven purpose is The EMTs had me walk still a terrible picture, and same rules apply.” That
to randomly kill you. It from the ambulance to the after an hour of this there is a direct quote from my
hides amongst larger or- ER waiting room, which was no doubt that my anesthesiologist, whose
gans like the intestines seemed counterintuitive, appendix was inflamed. name I instantly regretted
and the colon, which are but the free drive made Whether or not my ap- taking the time to write
useful for digestion and the whole experience pendix had been inflamed down.
other less sinister activi- worthwhile. before the ultrasound re- The rest of the experi-
ties. To emphasize the ur- mains unclear. ence was a blur. I’m not
Symptoms of appen- gency of my situation, An army of sur- entirely sure if they actu-
dicitis include nausea, the ER staff had me sit geons-in-training im- ally removed my appen-
vomiting, and bad stom- in the waiting room for ly nothing. and tried to avoid eye mediately came to my dix because I asked if I
ach cramps, which ar- two hours before seeing a The nurse closed my contact with a man who bedside to explain that I could keep it in a jar and
en’t so bad that you can’t doctor. This gave me time curtain and instructed was staring at me through needed surgery. Thank- they told me absolutely
drive yourself to Acute to fixate on my progress- me to put on one of those the translucent curtain. fully, a qualified surgeon not. The tiny, murderous
Care and stop for gas on ing symptoms. Once my hospital gowns designed He was lying on a stretch- arrived shortly after. I organ is a biohazard, for
the way. The only cure is pain had reached a high by sadist perverts, which er in the hallway, and it signed several forms ac- obvious reasons.

The Ivy League as What's Your ADPhi
imagined through Rush Name? SOL THOMPSON
(SOGGY MCDONALD)

Grindr bios First Name Last Name
A - Peepee Poopoo A - Trash Monster
B - ShitStain B - Ass Cancer
C - Destiny C - The Worthless
D - BitchFace D - Shit-Poon
DYLAN FORGIONE E - Peanut Butter E - And Jelly
F - Slut F - Shitspatrick
G - Daisy G - Dumptruck III
H - Grandma H - Taco Pussy
Networking only. No anal. Jewish Looking for networking and right I - CryBaby I - Vomit Bucket
boys only. Thinks he’s a top, but will now, clean cut, no location, profile J - Massive Pussy J - Ass Hat
bottom for an internship. photo taken in coffee shop. K - Steve K - Shithead
L - Moist L - DooDoo PeePee
Here for friends and fun. Piggy bot- Otter, right now, sends too many M - Cinnamon M - HairyPussy III
tom (if it comes to that). Missionary dick pics, never reciprocates oral. N - Lizard Boy N - McFuckHead
only. O - Bitch O - Suckington IV
P - Bitch P - Saggy Tits
Q - Bitch Q - Crapernick
Geek, but also daddy?, Asians+, Discreet, jock, no face pic (not R - Poopy R - DooDooButt
no face pic for professional for professional reasons) S - Soggy S - Turd
reasons. T - Uterus T - McDonald
U - Chad U - Dick Lips
Jock, no fats no fems no asians V - WeinerHead V - AIDS Dumpster
Verse, 420+, they/them pro- (it’s just a preference), deflated W - ButtMunch W - Booger-Eater
nouns, into bondage/ GPA, inflated ego X - PissLicker X - Trump
Y - Shit Funnel Y - Herpes
Z - LittleDick Z - Weakling
yalerumpus.com NOVEMBER 2017 11

HOOK-UP BINGO

DURING THE
WHILE SHARING A DURING SAYBROOK HARVARD ALUMNI
THANKSGIVING SWUG JUICE
VERB BAR STRIP TAILGATE
MEAL

50-MOSTER
TASTEFUL ASSPLAY NICK @DEYI CHA$E AMMON ZA©H KREISER
MARVIN CHUN

THE ASS ON THE
STONED PROGENY
COVER (443) 386-2556 FINISHED OFF IN A SOMEONE WITH NO
OF YALE
(PHOTOCREDZ TO (FREE) FINAL CLUB APPENDIX
ADMINISTRATOR
JENNA)

WITH OR IN THE HARVARD STUDENT
SOMEONE ELSE’S
BULLDOG MASCOT S’POOKED SLEEPING ON YOUR NEPOTISM
SCREW DATE
COSTUME COUCH

COVERED HEAD TO
@YALEFRATTINDER
LDUB FOURSOME SOFT CAMPUS YALE BOWL TOE IN ARETHUSA
ADMIN
ICE CREAM
12 RUMPUS yalerumpus.com

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161 Temple Street
(203) 495-1366
facebook.com/TempleWineNH

Excluding Champagne and Sparkling
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