Existentialist in an Exam room

I turned the first page of the question paper and had to whisper to myself, "This is the sickest joke I have ever seen in my whole entire life." "They must be crazy," I added. Duration of the exam was one and a half hour. First page of the exam question stunned me so hard that I put down my pen. I should have at least written my admission number anyway where there were seven boxes for those seven digits. They must be out of their minds. Writing in those tiny boxes made me feel like I was stupid. Well, it didn't matter. Not much anyway. I noticed that particular smell of the answer booklets. It gave me a thrill. It reminded me of my childhood. I even took two close breaths intentionally while putting my nose against my answer booklet. What a pleasure it gave. I was thinking: “From here on out, I have to keep doing something to keep my mind occupied at all time.” My empty mind was killing me literally. With this mind, I was not capable of performing complicated tasks, according to the definitions. Maybe I should start counting all my steps from my home to school, that might make me feel something unusual, for good. I could not let myself get carried away, I must not forget. I collected all my thoughts and I looked at the digits in my question paper more carefully and I suddenly got dizzy. Were they even recognized as digits? Or were they fish? How weird. I was sure my answer booklet was definitely not a pond. I started checking other students. Surprisingly, they seemed to know what they were doing, getting on with their answer booklets. I could not see any trace of any fish hanging around their answer booklets. How nice. I took my time taking deep breaths with the hope of getting back my reliable senses. So I again checked my question, which still didn't make any sense. The second page was even worse. Maybe it was because I drank too much coffee that morning. Maybe it was the smell of the answer booklet I took into my lungs a little earlier. I must completely stop drinking coffee ever again. It was killing me slowly. My watch was showing me that ten minutes had passed by. It seemed as if it was working fine. I smiled a little thinking the water from my answer booklet didn't affect my watch. Not yet anyway. The lecturer in the room stared at me for nearly a minute when he saw that I was not making any movements. His eyes seemed to be asking me what I was waiting for. To which I had nothing to say. So I said nothing. But I had to pick up my pen and wrote the date anyhow on the first page. After 3 or 4 seconds, I took a glimpse back at his face, I decided myself that he could not be the one who set this tiny little cruel sentences with digits coming in and out of the passages. How disgusting. They ought to ban this kind of writings. I could not even imagine for a second that he taught this kind of things. He seemed pretty normal for a guy in the 40's. I was hoping he would come to me and change this non-sensical sheets with something I could at least read. Maybe he was not aware of all this happening to me. So I put my left hand up for around two seconds and he came to me. I told him about the wrong question paper. But he said there was no mistake. My question paper was exactly the same with what everybody got, he insisted. I didn't quite understand but I nodded twice quickly because I was so ashamed that a few people around me were looking at me like I was some psycho. I said to myself, the lecturer who set these questions would come around in a few minutes I was sure, I must

when I got lonely and when the sun set in front of me. I got depressed even when the world was so beautiful. When I had run out of movies to watch. there were bad things. I filled up my first two pages with revolvers and motorcycles. The question writer must be somewhere . I solved it immediately. I must not have any pre-occupied thoughts and things on my mind. when I have time. Apart from hardships and problems in life. I hanged out with my laptop. listening to music and watching a movie. reading. It helped a lot. Maybe I could even claim back some of my lost time waiting for him. more or less. a quiet life and also because I wanted strong concentration on whatever I was doing. side-effects that I had to take because of this strange lifestyle. a blank. I had those and I had to keep those on my mind. playing. the way I see it. Depressions were the hardest. Straight to the point: I chose to look like I was an introvert. At this point. He would understand. Once you get attached to another person. What I thought was that in order to feel that kind of beauty ultimately. to see the world. not as much as I could with a blank clean mind. It was not my fault clearly. I did not want to have any hardships or any troubles to go through. the capacity of my heart and my ability to feel the world and Mother Nature increases. As I grow older. Of course. time flied so fast then because my watch was saying it was almost a half an hour already that I had been in that room. It even convinced the lecturer in the room that I finally got some answers and I was doing my best before it was too late. I could not feel it. Moreover. I could not manage to study for the next next modules coming so soon. flying leaves. When there was a new problem. What kind of man was I? I was an introvert. I had many cups of coffee to drink. So most of my time. If I got myself a runny nose. so that I could live on worry-free. That I was sure. I intentionally forget about it. I tried to reduce the number of those. you might want to know why I did that. If the task is not so important. Last but not least. That was not good for I had a very sensitive nose. I just could not take those. Well. My seat was right in front of the air-condition system and the direction of the air was flowing right toward me. I knew that being an extrovert would not help my search for the meaning of life. I had to refrain myself from thinking about this nose for it would only get worse. However. you will have to solve more problems than the problems that you will have if you live alone. I could not help but said to myself that the world is random and chaos. In fact. but because I chose to be.wait for him and tell him everything. I enjoyed that phase of my life and I was very good at keeping that phase stable at equilibrium. There had to be some mistakes with all this. I chose it because I wanted to live a simple life. I got depressed. there are things to keep on one’s mind in order to accomplish the tasks in life. So I waited. I did not search for any troubles. If I had slightest things on my mind. It tended to run like a waterfall after exposing to cold air for even less than ten minutes. And my life is random and chaos. It would not be a quiet life if there were hardships and troubles in one’s life. I would love to stand and stare. shifting clouds and the blue sky. Then I started drawing pictures into my answer booklet. not because I did not have any friends. It had been like this for almost three years. he would see. He sure would. and I kept my all my problems solved at all times. I had tons of friends. I must have a clean mind. As I am a human being. The good thing was that I had Heavy Metal to listen to and I had Existentialism to read. setting sun. writing. all those beauties of the world. which was the reason why I lived alone.

Trying to linger as much as I could. I just sat there looking at her. I just stopped fixing anything anymore. I was looking at her affectionately while she was carrying on with her duties in her garden. The distance between us was around. I wouldn't go out there and talk to her. "This is so nice just looking at her. I would lose all those glasses. she would meet some other guy who is better than me. I was not even aware but soon I realized that the day's beautiful weather had brought me to one isolated place inside my brains where there were exactly the same warm weather and the same sky with little bits of cloud here and there. indeed. I could even see the sky from where I sat. For that you would feel ashamed. different personalities. I could not even satisfied seeing and feeling the world the way I would like to look at it. The heat would come into the classes. she could not see me. not a clue. enjoying her hobbies. A warm day with green leaves shaking high above from the ground whenever the wind had its actions and the pleasure of listening to the sound of the leaves. What I thought was that if I am a very bad guy. Little bits of cloud here and there. not even her name. . I loved heat. They must be crazy to put those kinds of glasses which completely ruined the nature's beauty. I was simply contented with my vision then. different childhoods and different ways of thinking. you would think if you let her go she would meet some other guy who isn’t as good as me. The moment. Its main task is to see and to feel the whole world through that particular woman. A sunny day. right there at that unique moment. I know. That day was the day that I learnt trees were that green. When you are a bad guy. there existed a small little village. But instead of the classrooms and buildings. I could see her. just nice. I didn't have to. especially when you are a very good person. and started enjoying what I had. That was so beautiful even through the glasses which separated the room from the outside. I couldn't help but said to myself. I would not ask anything more than that. 20 meters.bumping into some old college friends for all I could think of. these two people can be from different backgrounds. There in the morning. From where I sat. a very hard task. I hadn't got to know her yet. Why not? At first. That I can take. If I were someone who mattered there in that school. That perfect set of conditions under that beautiful sky on a sunny day with the girl who didn't know I existed. Never mind that. say. I remembered it was a sunny day. I was sitting out having a cup of coffee in front of my little house in my own little garden while the girl that I fancied was in front of hers. Letting go is also a very difficult thing to do. If I tried to change or improve anything anymore. When everything was so perfect. However. I wouldn't try to get to know her or touch her. let alone seeing it by two people as one." I believed that sentence had gone out loud. That was it. I would just keep staring at her. letting go part can be very much easy. My answer for that is to let go. feeling that simplicity that I could die for. not because I was scared of rejection but because I didn't need anything anymore than that. I was contented with what I was seeing and hearing at that particular moment. How surprising. Well. Loud enough for an exam room that the guy beside me gave me a strange look. it would all collapse I knew. When you are a good person. I was whole. I could die right then. Rooms would be without air-conditioning systems though. I could. There always is this thing called love. anyway. Without any certainty there everything in my mind was so white and clean. Loving a person doesn’t really end at possessing a particular woman. Sometimes.

It was futile to let yourself fall into those words since you certainly would feel ashamed after falling. I could tell he was real comfortable and happy while he was talking about that. who came from Myanmar. He asked me why.After a while. I didn't mind that. But I noticed he had sad eyes. suddenly. the lecturer in the room must have informed him that I was not acting very normal. Why wouldn't I? I grew up singing my country's national anthem every single day. And. which in turn would change so many people's meanings of life without any certainty. let alone leading or doing something good for one's country hoping it might change. I would not say he was crazy or something. Of course. So I said nothing. I had nothing to write anyway. I usually do not go to bathroom during my exams. A useless citizen. However. I realized I was letting myself get carried away again. He made a couple of phone calls and got me an escort on my way to the bathroom. he sounded like he was guilty for all this happening to my country. Am I absentminded? . Three birds flew very closely near the glasses from the other side of those. My watch then said I had to stay a half an hour more to stay in that room. And I clearly could not succeed even that yet. Or was it merely what he was trying to make me think about him and all this. Wouldn't that be so cruel? I did not dare involve myself in that equilibrium so balanced and still. Would those still be on my face hanging from my ears? I didn't think so. Why did they do those kinds of stunts? They could have died bumping into the glasses. my eyes went gazing at the clouds so huge and heavy and amazed by the fact that they moved so fast. So I said nothing. I myself could not find any real solutions to my troubled mind. I had my patriotism and that I loved my country. I was in no position to judge him or anything. I had to refrain myself from collapsing into the meaning of the words that I was singing. of course. I felt like I had to go to bathroom. We. Well. at least before the question writer came. I simply am just a guy trying to live arranging my meanings of life into my tiny little box of mind. Let me put it this way. me and the escort. In which I saw no life. They would probably want me dead. That day was a little different as you could see. I would love to explain to them patriots as a friend over a cup of coffee or two that I was exactly the same with them inside out. I did not know for sure. every time I sang. I wondered where my glasses would be then. To which I had nothing to say. What kind of a man am I? There were people who had very strong patriotism. So I went ahead and asked a permission to go to bathroom. And. I even forgot about the man who was asking me questions. Why did he even care? What was his point? Even I. To which I had nothing to say. I finished up washing my hands and got back to the exam room. He started telling me about Aung San Suu Kyi. he found out I was a foreigner. a Myanmar citizen. After that thought. Then came the question writer who walked directly toward me. did not have any slightest interest in that area. Should I wear my glasses when I went for the guillotine? When my head went falling from the blade. they would say. the poor guy. I even forgot about my escort. I would love to convince him as a friend that it was not his fault. Then I asked myself a question: why didn't I have any interest in that area. had a chat as we were walking along towards the bathroom. But I didn't. They would probably want me beheaded in some public place.

Leaving the exam room. I literally could not find any interest in anything anymore. I simply could not let that happen. I didn't want anymore experiences about anything anymore. more like I would not care being here or being there. who shot everybody they saw and eventually they killed themselves. thinking and thinking. But I loved the colour black more. Seriously I wouldn't mind at all. One of the students started tapping the desk. I hated them a lot. I would not go. Fat chance. Three of the students who had finished their works left the room. I could live anyhow. What was their problem? They had something against exams? I myself had never ever left the exam room earlier. I would change everything I owned with all the black. changing my soul inside trying to find the truth with the help of philosophy. I vaguely know why that kind of things happened. Oh. As much as I could get. I did nothing as in I didn't go out in Myanmar to have any new experiences. Besides. I stayed there for seven weeks. The lecturer was collecting the answer booklets already. Three months ago I went back to Myanmar for the first time in almost three years. I didn't care about anything happening there. I wouldn't go for my favourite food not because I was very civilized but because I didn't want anything anymore. hoping to see me responding to that like an animal. I stayed in. It ha Is there more to life? Is there a little more to life somewhere else? . I hated those kinds of students who left the exam room earlier before the time was up. I slept and I read philosophy. I realized that the room was painted white. that slight rubbing sound produced from the paper and the tabletop would again scratch my heart deep. Why didn't I want anything anymore? The reason was so clear that I wouldn't even bother pointing that out to you wasting my breaths. together with the smiling faces of others. What about all those obsessions that I had had once? I couldn't tell. I could not afford to let those kinds of things happen. I had read and seen about people. thinking one hardship had passed. What about going to the moon? To the Mars? Would it matter? Try sending me to a prison. I might have lost my "will to live" somewhere along the way. White was the colour that I loved.I must be sick. let alone treating me my favourite food. I wouldn't mind. I ate. Anyway. What did I do there? I did nothing there. It was more like I went back to Myanmar to use my laptop. White. You would look stupid standing with my favourite in your hand then. I picked my answer booklet up and gave it to him rather than letting it pulled away from the tabletop. It made me feel guilty leaving exam room earlier like that. I must not forget to keep back my pen and admission card for I would need it the next day again for the next module. If I could. I had 15 more minutes by then. which I brought from here to Myanmar together with me when I was going to there. drinking coffee and reading philosophy. He must be so stressed out. And I must not forget to zip my bag properly because those important things might just drop anywhere. And I wouldn't mind dying. That's about everything that I did there. If you were to send me to my favourite place. I just kept thinking about meaning of life. Again I certainly would turn down anybody who came offering me a ride in his latest Ferrari or anyone who came offering me to stay in his grand penthouse.

Jean-Paul Sartre. Maybe that was just what I wanted to think about myself. Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Franz Kafla. Something must have changed. I might be losing my mind.Really. I might be. Nothing in my life had changed. I was exactly the same guy who walked into that room one and a half hour earlier. triblenon-2 As inspired by Albert Camus. . Something must have changed after going through all this.

Master your semester with Scribd & The New York Times

Special offer for students: Only $4.99/month.

Master your semester with Scribd & The New York Times

Cancel anytime.