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mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment

issue 1, michaelmas 2006

MH examines... Rum, sodomy & the
Durham Student lash... Her Majesty’s
Journalism - p2 Seamen firing
blanks? - p5
Black is the
Siddharth Khajuria

This season's latest

accessories have arrived -
African babies. Angelina's
gone for an Ethiopian model,
young girl, looks great.
Madonna's been cheeky and
gone for a risqué version with
far lower GDP, David the
Malawian. With David's home-
country 27 spots below 9th
placed Ethiopia in the African
GDP Championship,
Madonna must be picking up
style points as well as children.
So…what next? Perhaps
Scientology Cruise'll be
shopping for new recruits in
relegation prone Somalia,
which, ranked at 46th, risks
slipping down a division. But
what'll happen next year, when
that 'not-quite-white-nor-
black-kid' is all the rage?
Chinese take-away's gonna
mean something rather
Still, if you haven't got
space for another child in your
Clarice Holt life, don't despair; there are
As Durham’s club is a crucial tenet of the existentially confused youth, Prince) praised the new other ways to help. You could
turf war steps up a level, church's modernisation plan, the cathedral will be offering riverside development: "The pick up an American Express
MostlyHarmless has seeking to develop a 'younger, cut-price baptisms, pre- Durham club 'scene' was RED card; every £1 you spend
stumbled upon exclusive sexier, more seductive' place arranged marriages and free stuck in a rut where people with it sees a penny going to
information about a new of worship. Before long, the shots of wine to all those who were predominately the continent. According to
entrant into the market... gothic columns of Durham's take communion. adulterous, debauched and the AmEx website, it's
'everyday activities like
Norman masterpiece will be The church has went to Klute at every
shopping that have immense
The ferocity of resonating to the hottest, allegedly been planning such a opportunity. But the arrival of
potential to change the lives
Durham's nightclub battle hippest beats and the deepest, move for years, but it was the LoveShack was like the
and futures of millions of
escalated to new heights dirtiest baselines. It has even arrival of LoveShack that coming of John the Baptist: it
Africans'. Terrific, 'cos next
yesterday when it was been rumoured that God apparently spurred them to showed people a better night time you get pissed on a £4
announced that the Cathedral himself is a DJ. act. In an interview, the life experience was possible. bottle of fair-trade beer, 4p's
was to be turned into a £15m In an attempt to Monastery manager (The And now we've arrived." gonna go to the bloke who's
super-club. Monastery of Sound recapture the city's Bishop Formerly Known as continued on page 2... just had his kid nicked. Sorted.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 2

IN FOCUS: Durham Tabloids...

Roving cynic, Anton Lazarus has a browse through Durham’s student rags
Anton Lazarus however, has to be contained battle' between Klute and last year. The village-
in the interview with Bill Loveshack make their way newsletter of an attempt for a
Palatinate Bryson. The question of why into the middle pages after first edition of this very
The latest issue of a man with no real links to the informative articles about average, very empty
Durhams resident anthology City or University was where people sit in lectures, "magazine" was laughed off
of spelling mistake's and appointed is perhaps Rahs, Gap Year bores and a by freshers and returning
grammaticol error's tip-toes justifiably asked, and on this two-page spread of amateur students alike. Along with the
between cringeworthy and issue you will doubtless agree photos, presumably taken by pizza boxes and plastic bottles
frankly embarrassing. The with Victoria Raimes, the editor on a basic picture that the new morons living
constant pleas to become Palatinate Editor, that: "There phone and thrown in in a out for the first time haven't
involved in student journalism are plenty of excellent desperate attempt to fatten worked out are not included
- flaunting the ever-recycled Durham graduates…who the publication up a little. in Durham's recycling
list of the three journalistic would be perfect for the job". scheme, piles of Mostly
monsters: George Alagiah, Who? Why; George Alagiah, Mostly Harmless Harmless were dumped in
Jeremy Vine and, er, Hunter Jeremy Vine and Hunter Another new outlet for the green boxes throughout the
Davies - are annoying enough, Davies of course. never-ending army of city. Even the minimum-wage
quite without quotes such as: Durham's CV-obsessed, shit- minimum IQ rubbish disposal
"Get involved to be like him!" The Sanctuary spewing lefty wankers to technicians refused to collect
Like who? Hunter Davies, the Durham's newest student cough up their own special them on the basis of its
man who brought the world rag enters with what, were it breed of rant, ever-confident lowest-common-denominator Tommy was excitied when
the inspirationally named: written, edited and produced that The Norwich Gazette approach to journalism. A Sanctuary put his article
"My Story So Far," Wayne by a young child, could easily will be sufficiently impressed f*&^%^g disgrace. ‘wot i did with my holidays’
Rooney's ghost-written be referred to as a 'good by their satirical genius to on the front page
masterpiece. effort'. Bless. The first news offer them that summer Purple Radio
The icing on the cake, stories other than the 'raging placement they failed to win Sorry, we weren't listening.

believed in God would go to

Monastery of
What is MostlyHarmless? Sound
church. Then we started to
bribe people with little nibbles
and cups of tea, before
Founded a
months ago by a couple of
few There's still plenty of
scope for getting involved:
The MH Exec. (ctd. from page 1) moving on to fully-catered
second-year Historians, The Editors: three course meals with caviar
MostlyHarmless seeks to - we need writers: if In tactics seemingly and the like. Turning the
provide an outlet for a more you're not sure about the sort better suited to the Spanish Cathedral into a nightclub is
Inquisition, Archbishop of only the natural continuation
creative, irreverent and often of stuff we're after, drop us
Canterbury Rowan Williams of this".
provocative brand of an email and pitch us your
Siddharth has apparently engaged in When news of the
journalism. ideas. Otherwise, get writing
Magnus Khajuria what can only be described as latest entrant into Durham's
We’ll compare and email us your articles. 'clerical subterfuge.' MH has club war was broken to 'Andy
African babies to handbags - we need cartoonists Taylor
received reports of ruthless from Klute,' the poor chap
(p1), newspaper editors to and photographers to... Assistant Editors: looking collared agents of the looked visibly shaken before
small children (p2) and draw cartoons and take Tom Church menacing students at bursting into tears. He was
portray the navy as an photographs. Walker Durham's nightspots, whilst later seen attempting to gain
unfortunate hotbed of - At a technical level, some partygoers have reported entry into the cathedral by
heterosexuality (p5). we need people with a strange inexorable force bribing a bemused tour guide
As Magnus Taylor experience of QuarkXPress Ian propelling them towards with what appeared to be a
suggests, ‘nothing’s as bad as to assist with and coordinate Chapman Palace Green. It has become Klute VIP pass.
it seems if you draw it as a the layout and design of clear that there is only room Neither this article, nor its
Marketing Director:
cartoon and stick an amusing the newspaper. for one club in this town of author, has any connection to the
caption underneath’ (p8). 13,000 students. Established Church and its
What we’re looking More than anything, we hope In an interview, the commercial ventures.
for is an original take on you enjoy this issue, and Ed head of the Durham Christian
what’s going on in both many more to come Union denied this would spoil Produced by:
Durham and the world at throughout the year... if you want to get involved the traditional atmosphere of
large. or have any comments the Cathedral: "It used to be a
0845 1300 667
please email us tradition that only people who
Page 3 | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | MostlyHarmless

In search of
from within the university Frederick Flintstone-Jones
rugby club said that such a looked strangely vacant and
spree of unabashed appeared to be salivating
cannibalism has been on the heavily as he stared at Ivor

fresher meat...
cards for a long time. With Tastyrump, MH's 'beef
college meals often wellington' of a reporter. MH
resembling, tasting, and having pledges to keep its readers
the nutritional value of a bag informed informed on this
Magnus Taylor hours and will normally settle been calling for a tofu or soya of sawdust, it is only natural story. We urge you never to
for the gastronomic delights of 'fresher substitute' to be sold at that the hunter-gatherer talk to strangers, especially
the collegiate dining hall or late the DSU shop. A group have instinct will kick in amongst those carrying salt and pepper
Undernourished night takeaway. considered submitting a the university's less evolved and sporting a napkin neatly
students have reportedly MH has exclusively petition to the university's Vice minority. tucked into their collegiate
turned to cannibalism to managed to talk to a former Chancellor demanding When asked to rugby shirt.
satisfy an insatiable desire for Cuth's scrum half who admits immediate action. comment on the recent events,
red meat. After this shocking to participating in the eating of An anonymous source university rugby captain Giles
news the city's streets, once a an unnamed Chads boy
haven of calm and tranquillity, (officially now 'studying' in
will never be the same again. Baghdad as part of the
The night-time stroll back to university's ERASMUS
one's humble abode, formerly programme). Although he
only disturbed by the took part in the 'meal,' he
wholesome sound of claims 'not to have swallowed'
projectile vomit hitting ancient and 'just wanted to appear like
stone, has been irrevocably [he] was one of the lads.' He
changed. We have received told us that the team chose to
reports that predatory groups prey mainly on Bailey freshers,
of ravenous rugger players are as their largely sedentary
roaming the cobbled savannah lifestyle makes them slow and
lands in search of rich easy to catch.
pickings. Only when their Those living on the hill
voracious appetites are sated are apparently more tough and
do they return to their stringy, although we are led to
collegiate lairs to sleep off the believe that members of the
effects of their midnight feast. team occasionally venture as
MH's studies suggest far as Mary's to gain a lower fat
that after a feeding frenzy a protein boost. The young chap
typical ruggerus buggerus will not also informed us that some
have to eat again for at least 2 vegetarian team members have Clarice Holt

Cameron softens frontbench image

Richard Hadden Rupert The Bear. The very able true, he does like to eat honey, you?
Super Ted will in charge of but if you said to him, 'Pooh, “And that David Davis
Conservative Party education. would you mind handing over fellow: he used to be
leader David Cameron has As for the other posts, all your honey to a rampaging, something horrible and
reshuffled his front-bench in well, the Bear Factory has anarchistic mob of lefties so military, and he wrestles
an effort to improve the image agreed to send over a that the proletariat can smear it gorillas in his spare time, I hear.
of his party. At a special press consignment for me to pick over undernourished water Not very huggable at all, I
conference, Mr Cameron from. They won't have much biscuits?", he'd gun them down think you'll agree. Even my
announced that the entire more than light clerical duties in an instant. good chum George Osborne
Shadow Cabinet had been to handle: they're mostly just “People are bound to from the Eton 'Carrot,
fired, before going on to there to look cute." say that I got rid of the old lot Aubergine and Orifice' Club is
introduce his new team. In response to heckles because they all liked to proving to be a bit too Tory for
Said he: "This new from hardened critic Lord contradict me about tax, and our image, what with his
Shadow Cabinet will have a Tebbit of Mangled Metal, Mr Europe, and things. But that's constant talking about that tax
much softer image. As Shadow Cameron defended his been a deeply-held Tory thingy.
Chancellor, I'm pleased to decision. Said he: "Of course tradition for years. The "The changes I've
welcome Paddington Bear. there are those who will claim obvious problem was that they brought in will give us a much
Replacing David Davis as I'm betraying the ideology of just weren't fluffy enough. softer image. As for the former
Shadow Home Secretary will the party. But consider Winnie Take Liam Fox, for instance: Shadow Cabinet, I've arranged
be Winnie the Pooh. The the Pooh: he's clearly a Tory. you just wouldn't want to take for them to be shot at dawn".
Foreign Affairs brief goes to Yes, he may be a bear, and, him out on a picnic, would
MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 4

Trophy Strife monstrosity is for ritualistic

purposes but as with everything
concerning this distant and
Tax and Tans
MH reveals the true cost of secretive college, little is known
for sure.
Durham’s intercollegiate japes... Yet even when the facts MH casts its satirical eyes over the much
were readily available, Palatinate vaunted air-fuel tax...
journalists were guilty of
questionable interpretation. For Tom Walker complaints about
example, while the newspaper somewhatlesseasyJet flights. As
did accurately report the Stop the think tanks the hordes flock to their new-
trophying of St Aidan's badger- thinking, cease consulting the found holiday paradise,
suit, the incident was presented consultants and end the surfeit Skegness will once more have a
as "a lighter note" and of surveys, for the answer to reason for existence. This can
humorous counterpoint to the society's problems is here - air only improve our image abroad
travesties committed against fuel tax. - we'll be far too busy puzzling
Hatfield. Yet this It's not a new idea, I out deckchair mechanics to
is certainly not how Aidan's know, but with this visionary find the time to throw
SCR President Nick Boalch policy no more cheap flights to continental plastic chairs at
perceives the incident. A well- Benidorm will be no big deal. Johnny Foreigner. Look at that;
known 'furry' fetishist, Boalch As anyone who's ever visited we're resolving racial tensions
has told MH of his great the Costa del Sol will tell you, as we go. Economically,
'frustration' following the theft most English holiday-makers renewed investments into
College pride under attack of his beloved outfit. The don't want to enrich their bingo halls will revitalise the

Will Shanks embrace femininity. In a misery at St Aidan's seems to

touching example of college have been compounded by the
With an unprecedented dedication, 'Lorna' Noble has discovery that their college
increase in the frequency and assured MH that 'she' fully pizzeria is missing, presumably
severity of trophying incidents, intends to continue performing having been 'trophied'.
the once-harmless 'her' duties as Senior Man Prime suspect in this
phenomenon has become the despite the obvious case is St Cuthbert's Society.
major topic of conversation in constitutional issues raised. Few freshers will be aware that
this still nascent term. As well Most Hatfield students have 'Cuths' is actually a small,
as dominating dining hall rallied to 'her' support, yet obscure bar that has managed
discussion, the vandalism of while the general reaction has to collect the barest rudiments
Hatfield college made it onto been one of outrage, a minority of a college through years of
page one of the Palatinate of Hatfielders seem to have trophying. Dining room,
(idiosyncratically located been amused by the trophying kitchen, library, properties on
between pages four and six).Yet of their president's penis. the Bailey, as well as tonnes of
while the venerable student Kamala Hamilton-Brown told furniture, cutlery and stationary
publication is not usually Mostly Harmless; "We found have been stolen in order that
known for pulling its punches, this quite funny and light- what is essentially a dressed-up
editors apparently baulked at hearted, unlike the flood". The bar can almost pass itself off as
a student college. Cuths still knowledge of another market beyond Gordon's
reporting the most outrageous identity of the 'trophy-ers' (and country's culture and way of wildest dreams. Of course, it
acts committed in the last few the location and status of the lacks a proper JCR, shop,
toastie bar, enough life. No, they want an England would be foolish to ignore the
weeks. Therefore it is left to penis) remain unknown. with enough rays to replace health costs the programme
Mostly Harmless to exclusively Less violent, but in a accommodation for all its
members and of course a their usual marinade in fake could create. This has been
reveal the true cost of way no less disturbing, are the tan, yet an England with red- duly brought into consideration
Durham's trophying problem. trophying activities of pizzeria. Along with binge-
drinking, trophying is at the tops, dingy pubs and soggy - Patricia has assured me that
While Palatinate Durham's newest and most Yorkshire puddings. Sadly, even the NHS will be long gone by
dutifully reported the flooding mysterious college, Josephine heart of the society's way-of-
life: indeed, the entirety of last the doubtless talent of the fine the time the melanomas start to
of Hatfield, it somehow Butler. While other colleges' chefs of Faliraki can't recreate sprout.
overlooked the most appalling freshers were stealing banners, year's exec was trophied from
St Chad's. This has led many to the fatty film on any genuine My only concern is that
act ever committed against the pool cues and computer greasy spoon's hash browns. Skegness will be just too
famous college: the trophying equipment, it has become suspect that Cuths is behind
the more outrageous aspects of Sun's great and all, but the rest perfect, thus preventing
of the Senior Man's penis. apparent that the denizens of just ain't quite England. This holiday-makers from getting
In a bid to capture the Butler have been 'trophying' the recent trophying 'crime-
wave'. "St Cuthbert's Society is problem, however, has a simple their Recommended Daily
ultimate trophy, as-yet- soil from the lawns and plant- resolution: build a giant tanning Allowance of grumbling, but
unidentified freshers broke into pots of other colleges and run by criminals", said one
anonymous Hatfielder, "it salon over Skegness. all in all the plan's a sure-fire
the college and castrated Senior amassing their spoils in a giant Paid for by the new air winner. I heard it might be
Man Lawrence Noble while he mound. Academics from wouldn't surprise me if they
had stolen Lorna Noble's fuel tax, the 'sunshine' from good for the environment as
slept. His manhood missing, Durham Anthropology these huge UV tubes will well, but if you ask me that just
Noble had little choice but to department suspect the penis!"
ensure that there are no sounds like a load of hot air.
accept his phallus-less fate and construction of this
Page 5 | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | MostlyHarmless

The Queens’ Yacht? The Gospel

according to
Dan Brown
Tom Walker * Thou shalt not covet thy
neighbour's riches, as
* Thou shalt not murder, at banknotes are only
least not until thou hast freemasonic advertising in any
already carefully lain a trail of case.
cryptic clues leading to your
inevitable discovery in a large * Thou shalt not steal from
European city of your choice. thy neighbour, unless thy
neighbour's novel is from the
* Thou shalt not commit same publisher and needs a
adultery with another secret sales boost from a high-profile
society. There are so many of court case.
the buggers that it'll get
Andrew Tickell stamp out this abuse of the heterosexuality reducing
confusing otherwise. * Thou shalt not worship any
system. "As a practicing Britain to a slave-race". Citing
other gods. In fact, thou
A leaked internal heterosexual, it is important such famous homicidal
* Thou shalt not make any probably shouldn't worship
Governmental Report has for me that heterosexual homosexuals as King Richard
false idols, for the answers to anyone except possibly Dan
shown that heterosexuality is achievements and talents are the Lionheart and the entire
most of the world's problems Brown himself, the world's
running at a rate of 35% in the recognised. More important, Spartan military, the article
can be found in religious art leading authority on, well,
British navy. Defence however, is the defence of the called for an expansion of
anyway. pretty much everything.
Secretary Des Broon, Scotch, United Kingdom. I firmly aggressive LGBT programs as
lambasted the "scandalous" believe that social exclusion is the best means of restoring
* Thou shalt honour thy (Disclaimer: All references are
rates of heterosexuality as the only reasonable way British International
'meaningful' historical facts, purely fictional and any
'unacceptable' and 'dangerous', forward in this area." Thallasocracy. A picture
and produce them ad nauseum resemblances to actual secret societies
calling for legislation to close, Tory emerges of an increasingly
at every possible moment. are accidental. Apart from the bits
the legal porthole. Leader, was keen to agree. He beleaguered British naval
about the Catholic Church. They're
Mr Broon, said to be did. policy after the 400-strong UK
all true.)
close to his wife, promised a However, academics rubber duck fleet was slashed
"Rum, Sodomy & Lash" have claimed that the in 2004, a move described by
report into the problem,
commenting: "If we have to
Government's campaign will
not deal with the problem,
Pop Benedict the Umpteenth,
a 5'2" pensioner of German Spreading the
take any more of these
heterosexual men and women,
we have to be selective. Those
with prior token gay
condemning the 'slippery
slope' of meterosexuality
proposed. Professor Moan
Chompy, in a letter we found
extraction from Harrogate,
Kent as that of a "semi-
sentient sponge".
One homosexual
butter of hate
Nishant Kumar addition to the government’s
experiences are at least an at the dump, said: "The marine, who wished to remain
attempts at total inclusiveness.
improvement on problem with these anonymous, Captain Joe
In response to the “We must be inclusive in our
unadulterated 'straight' sailors meterosexuals is that they Vester, 34 of HMS Fancier,
escalating claims that the hate. No community must feel
infesting our system at present. don't go far enough. Under said: "I entered the navy given
Muslim community in Britain that it is left out of our
The Government will not their tough exterior, they're the distinct impression that I
is being victimised – the prejudice. Muslims believe we
permit deviant majorities to essentially heterosexual. It's would have wide access to
government snapped into discriminate only against them
weaken our naval position." intolerable in a diverse modern fellow LGBTs. I get to
action today – forming the – this is false. We also hate
Hillary Armstrong MP, society, and certainly training, and I find out they're
Commission for Equal Racism. wogs, niggers, yids, chinks and
Minister for Social Exclusion, unacceptable in a fighting all straight. No cock action at The purpose of this task force any other foreign elements in
agreed, condemning the force." all. It's a scandal, and the is to ensure that Muslims are our society. It is criminal that
present system that allows as Today's leaked report worst bit is that Government not the only group being one group is made to feel left
many as 12,000 straight sailors also follows hot on the heels are only interested in covering singled out for hate. out in this way. This task force
to enter the services each year of the Paris Business Review it up." Friend of the Muslim will ensure the even spread of
and vouchsafing a new article of last year describing "It isn't so much 'kiss community Jack Straw hailed the butter of hate over the
governmental campaign to the "rampant naval me Hardy' as 'kiss me Helen'". the move as a welcome toast of over society.”
MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 6
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FREE caramel or hazlenut syrup
Free pain au chocolat
With any COFFEE
(on production of student ID)

Framwellgate Bridge
Durham City
We are open 7-6 Mon-Sat || 9-5 Sun



Wednesday 22 November:
Patrick Stewart

3.00pm in the Chamber

Friday 24 November:
Death Penalty
Proposition Opposition

Peter Hitchens Stephen Pound MP

Associate Editor,
Mail on Sunday

Thomas Ball Neil Fodor

American debater Amnesty UK

8.30pm in the Chamber

Page 7 | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | MostlyHarmless

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MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 8

A History of Satire
Magnus Taylor armed only with a couple of seriously for even half of the
rusty table knives and a time, we would rapidly
knitting needle. descend into a bunch of
Satire was invented in Nowadays satire is all uselessly dribbling imbeciles?
1783 by a man named Swift around us, in the food we eat, Your helpful satirical
who told us that eating babies the clothes we wear and even wizards have conjured up a
was a bad thing even if they the tainted air we breathe. solution to this terrible
were Irish. This discovery was George Dubya waddles out quandary. Henceforth, we
seen as being a good thing as apelike from behind every shall take none of the world
previously Merrie Englande lamppost declaring war on seriously all of the time and
was a place devoid of any kind Mars whilst dear old buck only some of it seriously for
of sophisticated humour. toothed Tony snaps at his anything that's left over. In
Occasionally groups cowboy booted heels. Have this way we'll be able to
of boisterous young men we turned into a nation of pretend that we really don't
would gather together in local petty, pernicious cynics mind living in a small, wet
taverns and sup large incapable of enjoying simple island on the fringes of
quantities of mulled mead, and childish pleasures like western civilisation.
ale, or sloe gin. In order to puppies, clouds and getting Sometimes we all need
stave off the inevitable caught in the rain? to be reminded that nothing's
crushing weight of collective Perhaps it's the very as bad as it seems if you draw
boredom, they would throw buttock clenching awfulness it as a cartoon and stick an
rotten fruit at each other and of 'the modern age' that amusing caption underneath. insert amusing caption here - we can’t think of one.
attempt to invade France means if we took all the world (Clarice Holt)

MH Review:
Borat and the Bigot
MH Review furthermore I would be the stuffy barrier that so often silence.
worried if you did not find links great social commentary Prejudice is the curse
Criticism of Sacha yourself to be the same. with impenetrable texts, and it of analysis and memory, and
Baron-Cohen's first feature- Seated in the soft darkness, pushes responsibility into although it can be shrunk
length outing as Borat unites fondled by accessible humour, mass-culture, challenging using effort, compassion and
the worst of 'Little Britain.' It Baron-Cohen masters your people to think and be logic, its influence will never
draws pompous self-named responses. In this production responsible for their attitudes be removed completely.
intelligentsia and self- every response is an exposure. and actions on a personal Borat's gift for exposing it
righteous subscribers to social Easy company and worn level. teaches us to ridicule its
paranoia into rank, leaving seating are no lulling Unlike the carefully existence, to be vigilant to it in
no-one in between. In the compensations for the planned pages of the press, all its guises, and to shift its
genius of its creation it leaves stripping bare of which scare, challenge, then presence into uneasy
not a soul untouched by its complacency. reassure, Borat's hold on me recognition, not
hard-hitting exposure of Baron-Cohen's mass stems from the fact that it discrimination or silence.
prejudice. Whether depicting appeal keeps us guessing - he does exactly the opposite. It is Propaganda, ethnocentricity,
positive racism or metamorphoses at just the a film that, although surreal, is conformity, rebellion,
unrecognised homophobia, moment that the power of his genuine and aims to prevent recognition: there should be
this exploration of western work seems graspable. It is blasé response. Baron-Cohen nothing our mind is exposed
culture leaves no-one sitting this adolescent-like rebellion - did not take years or spend to that we do not analyse and
comfortably. better to be silly, or to fail, billions to root out bigotry in interpret. Borat - with his
I think part of Borat's than to give people an easy society: it came quickly and sharp humour, his moments
greatness is that he brings out ride - that so enthrals us. It easily to the surface. Those of slapstick rebellion, and his
the bigot in all of us. I hereby baffles and irritates anyone who did not appear outright piercing insight - is a medicine
confess to being racist, who dares to place him as an awful became the unseeing that is delivered sweetly and
homophobic, sexist, small- idol, making serious social and the unvigilant, saying can be painfully hard to
minded and bigoted, and statements. It breaks down nothing and colluding in swallow. RR
Page 9 | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | MostlyHarmless

MH goes stateside: the midterms

What you
didn’t know...
Alistair Cormack, Matt
Hindle, Magnus Taylor * After his shock sacking
resignation Donald Rumsfeld
has taken up a new post at the
For those of you who National Organisation for
didn’t stay up all night glued to Women, He is said to be eager
your television sets, MH to implement his ‘shock and
brings you the post election awe’ strategy using his weapon
results, analysis and gossip: of mass destruction.
(intelligence suggests that the
* Condoleezza Rice was aforementioned weapon does
found in bed with a white exist, but we’ve all heard that
supremacist at a post-election one before.)
party in Austin, Tx. The
supremacist declined to * South Dakota rejected
States which still lynch gays, women and comment. proposition 78, plans for a
Alistair Cormack’s those not from ‘around here’ tactical nuclear strike on both
* George Bush is to revamp Canada and France. Despite
cartographical the republican strategy by the narrow 57-43 rejection,
guide to the US Lynching on Tuesday only adopting an Eritrean Child, in South Dakotan politicians
a TAS (tactical adoption hope to get the resolution
midterm results... strike). Laura is said to be back on the ticket for 2008.
States which now lynch gays, women and thrilled, Barney is less than
those not from ‘around here’ slightly less pleased.

Fear and Loathing on the campaign trail

Joe Vester D: You answer my question. looking, isn't that enough? One might think that that America should "stay the
R: Answer mine. Woman: Yeah, obviously, in the Tennessee case, then, course" in Iraq.
In Britain, as a liberal, D: I have answered it, now terrorists need their privacy there might be a simple choice, With a weak and
it is sometimes hard to see why answer me. too. between racist bigotry and a hugely unpopular
Americans vote the way they R: Just tell the truth, Bob. White man in deerstalker: I new, brighter, liberal future. administration, one might have
do. One might think the Stop the lying. Look into the agree, I do have too many Ford is a new darling of the thought the Democrats had it
Democrats, who supposedly camera and say how many days guns. liberal press, bringing the made this time. Even the
aren't evangelical, racist, big- you spent at work last month. White bimbo with skimpy Democrats back into the Republicans are running from
business nut-jobs would be the D: I have told the truth, now clothing and squeaky voice: South. association with Bush, each
clear winners to anyone with you do it. I met Harold at the Playboy However, when these candidate attempting to show
sense. However, the fact is that R: No you haven't! party! two candidates went head-to- how many times he has voted
there really isn't very much [degenerates into shouting over each Sleazy-looking man in dark head, the difference was not so against the President. The two
difference. The following other] glasses: So he took money clear. The Democrat turned parties are more like tribes
provides some guide as to the I change the channel, from porn producers, who out to be a supporter of the than anything else, grasping at
level of most debate in the US: and on comes a political ad. hasn't? (laughs, slimily) Iraq war and Bush's economic anything that might grab a few
It's from Tennessee, a [As the ad ends, the white woman policies. He then proudly votes, running from anything
Republican: How many days Southern state where the comes up again and does the 'call proclaimed himself not to be remotely controversial, and it
at work did you spend last Democratic challenger for the me' sign] any sort of liberal. In fact, he is hard to see why one would
week? Senate, Harold Ford, is black. I marvel that, even in an ad said he liked the President very vote either way, even with such
Democrat: How many days It appears to show a number sponsored by the Republican much as a man, and, as a fellow a terrible president as Bush.
did you spend? of people from the street, National Committee, it is evangelical, admired his No one's going to change
R: Stop lying to the people, speaking about their support possible to provoke religion. Against this, the anything.
Bob. The People of for Ford, cutting between supposedly long-dead fears of Republican constantly tried to
Pennsylvania deserve more. them. black men seducing white show how different from the
Just tell them the truth. (Black) woman: Ford's good- women. President he was, and rejected
MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 10

Doing society the Durham way

Ben Grafton treble J.D?” It seems that in I owned it” on a CV. Be aware Special Brew barely long appropriate, some would say,
the quest for personal that there’s a potential can of enough to deliver the immortal as later this evening, ‘Chopper
If you’re part of a society, fulfilment in this ‘rich and worms opening up here…just line. Harris,’ (21) captain of Men’s
congratulate yourself on your vibrant learning environment,’ hope that when they all We mustn’t exaggerate. Weightlifting is rushed to the
self-importance. If you’re the there’s a grave sin to be wriggle free, they don’t form But we’ve got to at least build nearest gents, wearing a
President, Vice President or committed: not getting your some sort of society and up this college rivalry (vomit-resistant) hoodie that
Social Sec, (the one foot in the door. However, if become quite as cliquey as malarkey; it’s essential. Ask sports his title lest anyone
responsible for organising you party on down to the their human counterparts. anyone who’s ever played a forgets it.
piss-ups, plain and simple) Social Committee interviews, Don’t get carried away sport at Uni. Easy to spot, You can almost taste the
then you’ve got an integral and offer your services to though. Relax. Take a chill pill. some will even turn up to bitterness on your tongue,
part to play. But what interests Welfare; if you stand up and Go out for a quiet drink on the French lectures carrying La oozing from the direction of
me, is what exactly your be counted as Sports Bailey. When you get there, Crosse sticks, virtually the ‘peasants;’ ordinary folk
obsession is with the society Treasurer, and strive towards notice the well-dressed mummified in their college who enjoy a laugh and a drink,
or, more pitifully, the the Mecca of Exec, then yours gentleman at the entrance. stash. Now correct me if I’m but who aren’t social climbers.
committee. Why here in is the Earth and everything He’ll take great pleasure in wrong, but as far as I can If by any chance you fall into
Durham are you so desperate that’s in it. And which is more, annunciating his well- remember, it was only ever this category, but after reading
to get involved or to fit in? you’ll be bit of a bum-licker. rehearsed catchphrase, “Castle cool to walk around with your this, have been persuaded to
Surely the first thing you Curriculum Vitae: it’s only tonight folks” before name on your clothes the first get yourself more involved
should have been thinking amazing how you’ve returning to his copy of, let’s day of primary school. Those (unlikely), then I’m afraid I’ve
about when you got here was developed an unhealthy say, Milton’s Paradise Lost. who had their name visible got some very bad news for
“where’s the college bar, what’s interest in Latin all of a Similarly frustrating, moments after that time, were the ones you. You’ve missed the boat.
the name of that leggy blonde sudden. I wonder how exactly later, are the words “Hatfield who had to be accompanied to Although luckily for you, it
from downstairs (Kate), and you’re going to reword “I only” coming from a fat bloke the toilets in case they had a was only the Princey B. So no
why the hell did I agree to that swanned around the place like who puts down his can of little accident. Somewhat big loss there then.

Dastardly Despots Slam Saddam

Richard Hadden thing me, Adolf, Benito – all just abysmal.”
the old crowd – used to do Mr Stalin went on to
Many former world years ago.” lament the general decline in
leaders last night issued Speaking in an dictatorial standards
statements welcoming the interview with David Frost worldwide: “It’s a trend that’s
death sentence handed down (close enough to deceased to been going on for a while now,
to former president of Iraq, allow transcendental unfortunately; it really is
Saddam Hussein, by a special interviewing), Mr Stalin pathetic what some people are
Iraqi court. rubbished Mr Hussein’s other trying to pass off as despotism
Said one notable achievements during his nowadays. That Kim Jong-Il
former Soviet leader, Josef twenty-four year reign: “It’s no fellow’s not doing badly, I
Stalin: “I’m only too glad to good being half-hearted as a admit: he’s managed to get his
see the back of him. He was a dictator. Take his war with hands on some nuclear bombs,
lousy, second-rate dictator, Iran, for example: at best that and he’s quite clearly insane,
who gave us despots a bad was a draw, but he could have but he has been in power for
name. True, he did go through gone out in a blaze of glory, years now. Back in the old
all the motions of despotism, burning his own people on the days, we would have knocked
like purging his own way back. Whilst, I admit, he off and ethnically-cleansed
government, random torture, did manage to flatten a few three neighbouring countries
knocking off irritating Kurdish villages, on the whole by this time.”
journalists; but that’s hardly his attempts at religious or
original: that’s the kind of ethnic genocide were frankly Saddam: second rate dictator, first rate beard
dream about Keira Knightley was he, accompanied by robot, toad you are. Sh*t-hole you shagged. Too old for shagging
The Secret was I. yeess. Slightly effeminate were live in". are you."
Diary of Yoda In my pond, a space they both. Homosexual, he did "Ugly tart and walking
ship some pillock had crashed. "Clean this up I hope infer me. Last straw, this was. carpet," I did name them. "No
Woken up this A right mess they had you will," I said. "Jedi master "Better than your sex need for Viagra have I. Use
morning, I was. Loud bang made. All over my house am I. F%&*ing janitor, I am life mine is," I said. the Force, I can. For eunuch,
there was. Come on Thursdays splashed mud was. Particularly not." "Bugger off," he did Mrs Yoda did leave me. Very
the dustbin men they do not. livid was I. Out steps lanky "Jedi master are you tell me to do. "Princess Leia exhausted she was, yess." RH
Most irate I was. Having a bastard. Dressed in pyjamas not" said he. "Over-evolved and Chewbacca have I
Page 11 | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | MostlyHarmless


Pinnacle of social Local Pot Calls Kettle Black
development MH investigates shocking reports of racial stereoptying
amongst kitchen utensils in Durham city...
discovered in North Matt Brown this case herbal tea."
Pot has refused to
Pot claims to have
East In what has been
described by Durham police as
comment but his lawyers, Pan
and Mug have issued a
friends of every culinary
background, and his lawyers
a "racially provoked verbal statement claiming that he was maintain that any allegations
assault", a local Pot is accused confused by the plethora of that he is a lazy lay-about who
of calling a nearby Kettle terms used in modern society only gets off the sofa if he's
'black'. A fellow Kettle to describe the defendant. A got the munchies were not
commented "I thought we'd Wok for the defense added only offensive to the Pot
come a long way since the days "it's so confusing to know community at large, but
of judging a Kettle on the what's politically correct and inaccurate - the accused
color of his paint. It's what's what's offensive these days. is a crack Pot.
on the inside that counts, in Me so horney, I looove

Ba’athists linked to Grey

College Fireworks Fiasco
Richard Hadden what they did wrong. My have the proper papers to be
clients had some ‘hardware’ licensed firework vendors, but
Grey College is under lying about, some second- it’s not like we’re living in the
investigation for obtaining the hand Soviet-built Scud missiles E.U or anything.”
fireworks used in its famous mostly. No one wanted them. Said the University of
display from characters of They were just gathering dust Durham, well-known for its
reputedly “shady” in some hidden silos near the tough stance against the
dispositions. Iranian border, so they decided unauthorised deployment of
Said a spokesperson to swap the anthrax-laden WMDs in student
for the suppliers, Mr Uday and warheads for cheap colourful accommodation: “Um”.
Mr Qusay Hussein al-Tikriti gunpowder and stick them on
(now deceased): “I don’t see eBay. Admittedly they didn’t
Siddharth Khajuria that socialism’s dead, it’s time
for the champagne.
Come to Durham. And whilst on topic, let’s
Racial Tensions? stop with this talk of alcohol
Raging debates over hijabs and abuse. Academic excellence
niqabs? Nope. Just check the and dangerous debauchery –
latest prospectus. No less than not mutually exclusive you see.
a beautifully sedate hotbed of Don’t listen when they tell you
multiculturalism and it’s one or t’other. Not here.
modernity, this place. They stumble down the
ASBO culture? This cobbled streets hand in hand.
town doesn’t need Tony’s Government fact-finders,
cuddly Community Support social commentators,
Officers. Where’s that world investigative journalists, John
of woe portrayed by the Reid; what are you waiting for?
Guardian’s front pages? Little Come to Durham, for the
more than fear-mongers, these answers to this island’s
liberals. Have they not been to problems lay atop a hill in
Durham? Fools. mining country.
Come hither and see
Student Journalism?

Write for us...

...Rupert did
Rupert (above) used to Rejected by friends of old, he
write for MH; he strove with can now be found on Old Elvet
every sinew to form peerless Bridge, where he has taken to
lines of polished satirical prose. wrapping himself in copies of
He was destined for greatness, MH, using them as crude
until fame consumed him and he protection against the biting cold
went one step too far. An ill of the Durham winter.
judged polemic on the subject of Rupert's dedication is an
the vice-chancellor's terrible example to us all. We salute you
halitosis resulted in his Rupert, long may you live the
unceremonious expulsion from satirical dream.
the university. No-one famous has every
Undaunted, Rupert written for MH, and probably
continued to tread the satirical never will. However, be you a
highway towards the great violent polemicist, an unashamed
golden paved streets of cynic or just plain brilliant,
journalistic nirvana. Sadly, it MostlyHarmless needs you.
wasn't to be. Clinging to the
memories of glories past, Rupert Issues, like babies, don't make
returned to his old Durham themselves. So email us your
haunt. ideas, thoughts and fears...