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mostlyharmless durham’s latest satire and comment

issue 2, epiphany 2007


news, comment and more
satirical ramblings

Magnus Taylor retirement home in Devon."
As a self respecting,
Durham University's Vice disgustingly cynical satirical
Chancellor Sir Kenneth magazine, MH originally
'terrifyingly efficient' Calman thought that the new 'Sir
has reportedly sold his own Kenneth Calman Department
mother to an American for Vice Chancellor research'
consortium to fund the was an enormous waste of
construction of a new science time and student funds.
laboratory. The new venture However upon the realisation
will be charged with solving that we are in fact an
the nagging question of just impoverished student society
exactly how great university and in league with those nice
Vice Chancellors are. It is people at the DSU we saw
believed that the unnamed that Sir Kenneth is a
US buyers have paid a six wonderful man. He's just
figure sum for Mrs Eileen great. If he wants to sell the
Calman, an 86 year old from entire History department to
Croydon. According to make room for a giant Tesco
sources, Mrs Calman seemed or move Law to outer-
quite happy to participate in Mongolia then he must know
the transaction although best. It's probably far too
witnesses suggested that a complicated for our
shifty looking Sir Kenneth undeveloped minds to grasp
had told her that she was and it's certainly none of our
merely being moved to, "a business what the chap does
nice big, bright, happy with his own mother.

Semi-detached cottages, women and the BNP. Few find

terraced hovels and leaky true happiness and a loving
barns all return to the city family of conscientious
Clarice Holt from their holidays in the students.
Costa del Sol in the hope of The rumoured risk of

DOWN AND OUT finding someone to call them

Sadly, upon returning
a housing crisis has lead to
savage students battling with
each other to land that perfect

The DSU's official website themselves caught up in mysterious "Find a House"
from their well earned breaks
in the sun, these houses find
themselves under the brutal
regime of rabid estate agents
tenancy agreement (see
picture). The fear of
homelessness grows so great
that local shopkeepers have
desperately urges you to fend Durham's traditionally month is a time during which whose only purpose in life is been forced to place locks on
of the urge to secure a roof explosive house hunting hundreds of previously hidden the extortion of vulnerable their bins as students scramble
for next year until "Find a atmosphere. abodes suddenly appear in a students and the splurging of about town like rodents
House" month. Despite this, MH's intrepid number of convenient, yet these ill gotten gains on seeking shelter.
many freshers still find researchers can reveal that this affordable, city-centre locations. international terrorism, continued on page 6...
MostlyHarmless | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | Page 2

From St. Lads to St. Chavs

MH’s Hill Affairs correspondent, Will Shanks, takes a look at Mary’s boy trouble...
Will Shanks says JCR Sports and at a college where seemingly "It is not enough merely to process in exercises that have
Lesbianism Officer Martina no-one can park properly and open our doors to men. If we been mistakenly reported as
Nearly eighteen months after DeGeneres. Rather than the every other car is damaged. want a decent football team or local discos and/or the
first admitting male students, strapping sporty lads they It had been hoped that a proper bar then we need to distressing herald of the end
the ladies of St Mary's college expected, Mary's has only the inclusion of hard-drinking admit the common man!" of civilisation. The new
are disappointed with the received weedy, effeminate 'men's men' would precipitate Historically Durham college, tentatively named "St
results. "We thought admitting wusses unable to compete on the improvement of Mary's has resisted calls to 'get with Chav's", is scheduled for
blokes would improve our the sporting field. Similarly, the notoriously awful bar facilities. the times' and allow mixed- construction in 2008.
sports results, yet we still new male intake has proven However, it remains a badly class colleges. Instead, it has The ladies of St Mary's
languish at the bottom of useless at mechanical repairs, decorated and invariably chosen to restrict its working College remain undaunted by
most inter-collegiate leagues" skills that are in high demand empty cupboard better suited class accommodation to the University's plans and
to the storage of mops and centres at a safe distance from intend to vote on a mixed
buckets than urbane and the city, namely John Snow admissions policy at the next
cosmopolitan soirees. and Stephenson colleges in JCR meeting. "We are
The Exec now claim to Stockton, a decision that some confident that we can maintain
have identified the cause of have seen as an anachronistic the unique character and
the lacklustre results of co- echo of uptight Victorian history of Mary's while
education and intend to take morality. University officials entering the twentieth century
steps to remedy the situation. argue in response that single- and going mixed-class" said
"The reason Mary's men are all class colleges provide a haven DeGeneres. She then
so useless is, to put it simply, for those who, for cultural attempted to allay fears of
because they are dithering reasons, are uncomfortable invaded privacy and
middle-class twerps and with mixed-education, such as inadequate facilities by
public-school mummy's boys," practicing-Northerners and promising separate bathrooms
claims JCR the aristocracy. The designed for the vandalism and
Treasurer/Anarcho-Feminism University's commitment to drug-taking needs of the new
Officer Germaine Pankhurst. single-class colleges is intake. "Many of the necessary
This damning assessment has demonstrated by its recent facilities are actually already in
led what was once the least- attempt to create a working place from when we admitted
progressive college to adopt a class college in Durham City middle-class men. They're just
radical admissions policy itself. The DSU building plays not being used" she continued,
unprecedented in Durham host to local representatives of gesturing towards the condom
University history - the working class youth every machine.
acceptance of working class Thursday afternoon as part of
From the prospectus... Quite.
students. Continues Pankhurst the ongoing consultation
We’re still looking for Editors :

Issue 2 - Epiphany 2007 more people to get - Siddharth Khajuria

involved with the paper. - Magnus Taylor
Welcome to the 2nd neatly into MH:Print and in touch. If there's a current
- Writers - especially writers Deputy Editor:
MostlyHarmless of the year. MH:Blog. With every new story you feel strongly about
interested in writing for the - Tom Walker
We hope you enjoyed the edition, you'll be able to read write in and you might see it
blog section of the new
first issue, feel free to write in and comment on every on the site almost
website, with some slightly Marketing:
with any comments, article online. immediately.
more serious comment - Ian Chapman
suggestions or articles. More importantly, the We want the MH
pieces - Ed Mason
This week, we're MH:Blog half of the site is website to become a regular
Subeditorial and Copy:
launching our new website, our attempt to provide an stop for Durham students as
- Graphic Design - we’re - Lucy Davies
designed by Seb de Lemos alternative forum for they roam around the web.
after people with expertise of - Ben Grafton
( Comment and takes from It'll be the place for the latest
Quark and/or - Richard Hadden
We think there's scope for MH writers on current satire and comment from
Photoshop/Fireworks and - Anton Lazarus
MH to have its say on more affairs, both within and MH, and will, we hope,
other graphic design - Tom Rosenthal
current issues, and get stuck outside of Durham's provide a valuable addition
packages - Will Shanks
into some slightly more beautiful bubble. to Durham's student
- Jules Shipway
serious comment. If you want to get journalism.
Produced by: Cartoons:
It's because of this involved, writing for either Enjoy the issue! - Clarice Holt
that the new site is divided the print or web editions, get
0845 1300 667 - Hannah Yadi
Page 3 | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Christian Union Saved! Holy holes

in the
Andrew Tickell

That the alleged link between

global warming and the hole in
the ozone layer is erroneous
has been proved beyond
dispute. The Bellamy Report
of 1612 concluded that global
warming was not simply a
scientific reality, but a real
reality. In contrast, the
existence or non-existence of
the ozone hole has proved a
point of contention among
scientists for generations.
Some have argued
something must have an edge
to have a hole, and since ozone
is a chemical, it doesn't have an
edge, so can't have a hole.
Others disagree with the
whole hole-based analysis
altogether. They haven't
provided a reason.
Last week, however,
Durham’s last line of defence? Clarice Holt Professor Pullman, a
Tom Walker for their members at a time of skies of late following its final sign heralding prominent member of the
mounting civil unrest. successful deployment in Armageddon for the fair controversial Polytoyn-B
Durham Intercollegiate Ignoring warnings against several evangelical offensives shires of the North-East. A Research Institute, confirmed
the existence of a hole
Christian Union (DICCU) straying onto Prebends' during 'RESCUE Week' last well-informed pedestrian told
exclusively in the Mostly
became the latest victims of Bridge after the recent spate year. MH, "Thank God for the
Harmless. Uncovered in his
the city's rapidly escalating of attacks, DICCU had Newly deprived of congestion charge - without it
dialectic research, Professor
crime spree in an assault by elected to hold their annual both funding and air cover, the Four Horsemen of the
Pullman has employed his
the riverside last night. In social at the very centre of the the congregated members Apocalypse would be
'amber spyglass' techniques to
what is believed to be an ancient crossing. "Any found themselves defenceless galloping up and down the
identify "dust" particles in our
unprovoked attack, members evangelist worth their salt as satanic paraphernalia Bailey all night." atmosphere.
of the society came under a knows that there's a nest of rained down on them from all In a statement, PC The source of these
fierce hail of fluffy devil rabid heathens there," their sides. In response to the Barkers commended the articles appears to be the hole
horns and red plastic tridents, Conversions Officer told assaults, Crusades Secretary Atheist Society for their itself. Describing the
leaving some with severe MostlyHarmless, "and we Melanie Gibson has bravery in thwarting the phenomenon, Professor
grazing. It was not until the needed to up our conversion announced plans to issue all attackers, noting the Pullman said: "Fucking
intervention of the Atheist rate - it's been dropping off a members with armour-plated advantages that cynicism gives Tolkein, Catholic certainty
Society, who were passing on little this year. stash. Such extreme measures when faced with the wrath of makes me sick. La de da.
a late-night existentialist stroll, "I blame the DSU. have not been seen in the Anti-Christ. MH was, Who's that bastard. Lewis?
that the onslaught was halted. They've slashed our Durham since the hiring of however, surprised to C.S.? What sort of man sends
The perpetrators, described helicopter funding. How are bodyguards by the Tea and discover a lack of gratitude Susan to hell, for make up - I
by Durham Police's PC we supposed to inflict our Biscuits Society to protect its within the DICCU wear make up - I'm not going
Barkers as "suffering from a beliefs on…um, I members from the membership in return for to Hell. Lucy? Dirty wee
Halloween hang-over", are mean…spread the good news widespread public hatred their salvation by AthSoc. fanatic. Lyra could so take her.
still at large. to the ignorant hordes when provoked by their antisocial "We all found it rather Oh yeah? Yeah! Oh, and there
The attack has raised we don't even have airborne café crawls. embarrassing, actually," said is a hole in the ozone layer.
concerns over the failure of supremacy?" DICCU's The attack has been one Christian soldier. "We're Suck it up, God-Botherers."
Durham societies to take Apache has indeed been recognised by local authorities usually the ones that do all the
sufficient defence precautions noticeably absent from the and the tabloid press as the rescuing."
MostlyHarmless | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | Page 4

Where the colleges got their names

Thomas Addinall-Biddulph gives you an MH take on collegiate history...
Thom Addinall-Biddulph John's cloisters until game hunters danger decided to make away actually exists. The claims
The 'saint' is in fact an from Hatfield shot them. with her. The college - that they do stem from a
Castle anomaly, as this college was, named in her memory - is the rivalry between two
Named after an obscure 16th until 1996, the property of Grey only educational institution in professors, one of whom
century expert on a certain John 'Johnny' Vegas, hence its Grey College was founded to the world to have actively made up a college in order to
variety of parsnip endemic to location equidistant from the provide the nation with its promoted 'woolly thinking'. claim that he was its principal
Sunderland, and not, as is bars at the DSU and Gregg's next generation of bank and thus clearly more popular
generally thought, after the pastry shop. managers, civil servants, Collingwood than the other. Not to be
fact it is in a castle, which was quantity surveyors and John Obvious really. It stands on outdone, the second
just a happy coincidence. St Cuthbert's Society Major. They were all sent the site of a wood where the professor invented a college
Originally established by a down after the first fireworks ancient practice of 'colling' with an impressive foreign
Hatfield homeless man claiming to be display, as the university felt occurred. Colling was a name and claimed its
The founder of Hatfield was the reincarnation of St they had failed to show the pagan ritual involving two principal-ship. Both paid
a graduate of Hatfield Cuthbert (but who was, in lack of imagination required unemployed men, an irascible their students to say they lived
Polytechnic in Hertfordshire fact, a man from Hull called of them, but the name stuck. goose and a large amount of in these colleges. Anyone you
(since renamed the Royal and Dave). He intended the Worcestershire sauce. meet who claims they have
Ancient University of society as a bold experiment St Mary's been to one of these colleges
Hatfield-on-Thames), of in social engineering, having it Nothing to do with Jesus' St Aidan's is either lying or
which this college was once admit only girls and penguins. mum, or his lover-if-you- Named after a saint called misinterpreted the question
an offshoot. It later attracted He gave up after residents want-to-believe-Dan-Brown- Aidan. Well, what did you 'Have you been in Josephine
a posher set of students complained of being kept up which-if-you-do-you-should- expect? Life isn't all parsnips, Butler?'.
owing to its bowling alley, by the noise from the BBC b e - a t - D e - M o n t f o r t - n o t - penguins and Worcestershire
which they mistook for a camera team and David Durham. Mary was an sauce, you know. NEXT TIME:
rather elegant chapel (a Attenborough's around-the- especially well-liked sheep The surprisingly tragic origins
misconception that survives clock narration. The who used to graze outside the Ustinov and Josephine of the name 'Lake Titicaca'.
to this day). penguins briefly took up library until the day a passing Butler
residence in the Cathedral butcher with a penchant for Neither of these colleges
Page 5 | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

Immigrants ate Omitted Tapes

MH reveals Blunkett exclusive

my Children!
Magnus Taylor local Guildford resident, Mrs healthy source of exercise and
Tom Rosenthal

MostlyHarmless personified,
on a customary foray in the
soon faced with another
disaster. I had decided to
console myself with a peaceful
lunch with Edwina in
Angela Bigot who told us that an initiative test for the field, was in fact walking Macdonald's. It's the only place
Mass immigration into the she is 'afraid to let little Harry region’s youth. A sort of 21st through a large field when it that serves Pedigree Chum,
United Kingdom is and Jemima leave the extensive century Darwinism might stumbled upon a cassette tape.although Edwina isn't too fond
threatening our very existence grounds of our mock develop. It clearly takes talent Through the coating of mud, of the new Healthy Chum with
as an island fortress of rain, Georgian mansionette.' She to reason with a rabid the label read: "Excerpts Salad. Edwina and I were
bad food and sprawling said she fears that they might Romanian as he's about to rip omitted from the Blunkett walking along when I heard
faceless suburbia. MH has be gobbled up by 'deviant your flesh from the bone. Diaries, 03/12/06." MH was what sounded like an anti-blind
received a series of startling foreigners with slitty eyes and Those who are too slow and curious, so it ran as fast as a
rally. I just couldn't believe my
reports describing how hordes webbed feet.' MH's intrepid stupid will inevitably perish satirical paper can up hill and
ears - I thought these anti-
of spics, wops, degos, micks, socialist liberal fair-trade leaving only a race of super down dale to find the nearest blind rallies were a thing of the
krauts and many of a more supporting reporter naturally intelligent demi-Gods tape player. Luckily for MH, it
past! I decided to take action. I
dubious ethnic persuasion pointed out the important remaining. found a local farmer, aptly gave Edwina the code word for
have been roaming the streets labour force these deviant Mostly Harmless will named Claudio Cassette, who a full on attack and she duly
of the home counties, seizing Poles provide to the local be continuing this expose of was still breeding tape players
attacked, leaving three of 'em
our young children and community. A moment later Britain's immigration crisis to provide for his family and dead. I didn't realise that they
indiscriminately baking them he was seen being chased from with further investigations the surrounding community. were just pro-curtain
in huge, gravy filled pies. the house by an irate Mrs including 'Immigrants raped All sat down around an open campaigners. I had made a
It has been reported Bigot brandishing an imitation my wife, shat on my lawn and fire and the tape was played in
right plonker out of myself
that one particularly ravenous silver candlestick and fiddled with my kids.' Look out the finest stereo Claudio again.
group of Polish immigrants threatening to set Eddy, her for the free collectors' edition owned. This is what MH and "Later that day, I had
has taken to setting up camp miniature poodle, on him. As of Enoch Powell's masterpiece farmer Claudio heard: to turn on the Christmas lights
outside school playgrounds you can see, the good people 'Rivers of Blood' speech. We "Woke at up at some in Luton. After the day I'd had,
complete with rudimentary of Surrey really, really love have produced a limited point, rang the speaking clock,
I was pleased to get a rapturous
cooking utensils. Having their children. number written on the skin of had a lovely conversation withreception from the Luton
enticed the little kiddiewinks Conversely, MH a group of Sudanese refugees her. In fact, we bonded over crowd. They loved me, and
into their lair, they proceed to believes the immigrants' taste who agreed to sell us their issues of time and space, and I
kept shouting my name over
roast, boil, poach or fry their for human flesh may have its womenfolk in return for arranged to see her later (notand over again. They were
catch to be served with a well benefits for the overcrowded letting economically literally). It's been too longsaying a few things I didn't
dressed side salad or selection south-east. Escape from productive members stay in since Kimberly. Edwina, my understand though - one chap
of boiled vegetables. random acts of immigrant our green and pleasant land. guide dog, does her best, but even wished me well for my
MH interviewed a cannibalism should provide a How kind. it's just not the same as a real
trip to Australia. Edwina
person. hadn't told me that I was
"After Edwina made turning the lights on with the
me breakfast, she took me intohelp of England cricketer
town to get a manicure. I'm Liam Plunkett. I gave Edwina
more of a fan of chiropody, the code word again. That
but I had to prepare my Plunkett may be able to play in
cuticles for turning on the the Ashes, but he won't be
Christmas lights that
having any children for a long,
afternoon. I wasn't to know long time."
that I was in for the shock of
my life. When I had finished
my manicure I was asked if I
wanted a facial! I couldn't
believe it. These dodgy places
are everywhere now - bloody
eastern Europeans. I got up
immediately, shouting: 'Listen,
only two beings will ever give
me a facial: one is Kimberley
and the other one, at a push, is
the dog.'
"Having recovered
Hannah Yadi from my horrific ordeal, I was Mr Blunkett.
MostlyHarmless | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | Page 6

News in Brief...
MJ announces US reveal truth
new literary about Ruth
venture Kelly
Michael Jackson has US tests have confirmed today
announced plans to follow OJ that a small nuclear explosion
Simpson into the literary occurred in or around the
world. The publicity garnered notorious loaf-haired MP,
by Simpson's 'If I Did It', an Ruth Kelly. M(r/s) Kelly, XY

account of how he would for Bolton West refused to
have killed his victims had he comment on the allegations,
actually done so, is believed to citing Leviticus 8 -12. Half-
have encouraged Jackson to diplodocus on her mother's
FAIR DEAL STUDENT HOMES produce the new book.. 'If I
Did Them', due to be released
side, M(r/s) Kelly was widely
tipped. To adopt the newly
next week, is to be a strictly created cabinet position of
hypothetical account of how 'Minister without", she shall
Jackson might have made have authority for ancillary
REALISTIC RENTS FOR HOUSES AND APARTMENTS. several children 'his special matters beneath public
PRIME CITY CENTRE LOCATIONS. friends.' If, of course, he was contempt. AT
into that sort of thing. Which

Down and Out in

Ctd. from front page...
Local tramps find themselves a student at the time and lived
ÒEXPERTISE BEYOND EXPECTATIONÓ crowded out of the doorway through this torrid period. He
market as plum spots beneath told us that 'back in '77, it got
CONTACT J W WOOD venerable British retailers are so bad that the boughs of the
snatched up by the English silver birches by the river were
t: 0191 3830184 middle-classes. groaning with the weight of
e: This year is by no the Hatfield rugby team.
w: means the only time such a Palace Green was so swamped
frenzy has hit this hilltop with yurts, tents and teepees it
haven. MH has undertaken an was more Woodstock than
investigation into the famous World Heritage. My deputy at
housing shortage of '77. Back Palatinate spent a couple of
then, the University Library nights in his college
was transformed into pigeonhole; he only moved on
something of a squatter's because he was woken up
paradise with many students irritatingly early every morning
choosing to bed down by the post delivery.'
between the Anthropology These tragic events
and Sociology sections where offer a cautionary tale to us all.
they calculated they were least However, if you do choose the
likely to be disturbed. The increasingly popular and
authorities were consequently economically viable solution
forced to implement the much of homelessness next year
lamented night time closing please contact
policy and include "No MostlyHarmless; we have
Campfires" and "No Sleeping several thousand copies of our
Bags" alongside the "No first edition remaining that
Smoking and No Blended could be used as insulation for
Whisky" signs. a cold night under the stars.
Durham's journalistic
godfather, George Alagiah was
Page 7| Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

War Crimes and Self Discovery

MH brings you an exclusive interview with gap year dictator, Katie Livingston...
Magnus Taylor amazing and unique chance Actually, soon after I came to different cultures and stuff university though and
to experience first hand the power there was a vicious and but it was quite boring for a hopefully go to Colombia.
volatile political culture. I felt bloody counter-revolution of lot of the time and I missed My brother told me there's
Hi Katie, where did you go really privileged. the workers in which all the my mum and my dog, Barney. this organisation that
on your gap year? coup members except me Some of my friends had organises work placement
I originally bought a round- Oh, that sounds were executed by firing different experiences that with some of the drug
the-world-ticket but I spent interesting, how did you squad. sounded really cool to me. barons. Apparently it's really
most of my time in deal with the My friend Harry travelled easy to progress up the
Kyrgystan. responsibility? Gosh, that sounds exciting, through India and was deified system through a mixture of
It was quite easy really. All I how did you avoid being by a small primitive tribe near bribery and intimidation and
Why was that, did you fall did was sit in a huge marble shot at dawn? It was quite the Pakistani border. He said end up ruling large sections
in love with the place? palace and sign lots of bits of easy really. All I did was wave it was a bit strange at first but of the lawless tropical
Yes and no. Initially I thought paper they gave me. my British passport in their it gave him a whole new interior. I think my previous
bloody hell, what a terrible Apparently I'm now under faces and ring up the British perspective on the human- experience of dictatorship
post-Soviet shithole. This investigation by the UN for ambassador who sorted God relationship. would stand me in good stead
place has clearly had all the human rights violations, but everything out in about 10 for this.
life sucked out of it by the I'm sure it's all just a big minutes. So do you have any plans to
ravages of rampant misunderstanding. return to Kyrgystan? Thanks Katie. Next week
communist dogma and Well you certainly sound I'm not sure. It's a beautiful we interview Matthew
oppression. However, soon So, what made you decide like you had a worthwhile place and everything, but my Stanley, who led a
after I arrived I was involved to take up your place at experience. Would you mum said that my nationalist revolt in Bolivia
in a CIA-sponsored coup and Durham when you could recommend autocratic investigation for war crimes and returned to England
was elevated to President of still be laying down the law leadership to other might be a problem if I was only to find out he'd been
the Republic. This improved to millions of semi-literate prospective gap year trying to enter the country rejected by Cambridge.
my view of the country quite peasants? students? again. I think I'm going to
a bit. It gave me a really I definitely learnt loads about have another year off after

“Can you get Friends on this?” Clarice Holt

MostlyHarmless | Issue 1, Michaelmas 2006 | Page 8

MH investigates political evolution...
Fed up of
Richard Hadden

Homo laborensis
Similar in stature
Neanderthal man, their short
and squat appearance was a
to that worked hard to remove
facial hair. In this respect they
became estranged from their
One of the oldest pro-human result of their tendency to ancestors, who were averse
tribes to inhabit the British lounge about in one place for even to moisturising. William G. Pilgrim heroin is illegal and thus
Isles, Homo laborensis was up to fifteen years. Homo novalaborensis was exempt from taxation! This
broad-shouldered, hard Occasionally they were capable less picky about the Freshers! Are you tired of the means the discount remains
working, had extremely limited of articulate speech, but not distribution of food than its over-priced alcopops? Are intact right up until its flowing
social interaction and was often enough to be called predecessor. Large, muscular you sick of drinking the same through your veins.
actively encouraged to be as witty. Their tribal structure was hunters were allowed to eat boring state-sanctioned It's obvious that
miserable as possible. deeply limited: each individual any antelope over 3'7", with poison as everyone else every Durham is growing tired of
Their tribes were was encouraged to hunt on his the rest distributed out to feed Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and alcohol: from the moment we
founded on the ideas of own, and if one of them those who didn't have any legs. Saturday? Are you worried arrive here, alcohol
sharing food as evenly as managed to skewer a sizeable Eventually, their hunting that your liver isn't being consumption is the central
possible, even if half the food portion, for example a 'woolly' techniques grew so punished as efficiently as it focus of all social activity.
got wasted whilst they divided mammoth (Elefantus sophisticated that they decided could be? So why not try This fact will no doubt lead to
it with crude instruments such Prescottensis) or larger-than- to introduce tribal choice in something with a bit more some tearaways branching out
as the arse-bone knife, the average yak, then the children what they killed; after hunting edge? a little (into smack). The
medium-sized rock and the could have some too. But this microwaveable prawn wontons A recently published competitive nature of
self-assessment tax form (a never happened, and they to extinctions, they starved to report shows that illegal drugs 'drinking stories' will spiral
perfect example of which was starved to death. death. may be cheaper than ever out of control until eventually
unearthed from underneath a Occasionally the young would before in Europe, with heroin Rugby players abandon the
medieval bowling alley near kill the hunters of the tribe by Homo liberaldemocratensis prices slumping 45 percent current tactic of 'quantity' and
Sheffield). gnawing at their legs, and Homo liberaldemocratensis over the past five years. move towards 'quality'-based
The species was eating them. And then they lived in the region round the You've literally never had it so anecdotes, thus necessitating a
afflicted by many diseases due starved to death. Cambridgeshire fens, which good. stronger, more controversial
to their weak immune systems explains its predilection for This, the first Europe-wide toxin for them to ingest.
and propensity for never using Homo polytonybynensis wearing sandals. Their report of its kind on drug Of course, smoking
quite enough wood to light a An offshoot of Homo supposedly sophisticated prices, has ruffled many a cigarettes is still fucking evil
fire. Ultimately, they were toriensis, Homo culture encouraged them to feather in Brussels, where and anyone who does it
wiped out by a deadly strain ofpolytonybynesis as a result of hunt with blunt spears or to there are fears that this may deserves to be blasted into
'Foot and Hattersley' disease. their realisation, between kill animals by throwing spur further drug use, which, orbit.
They were supplanted by 24,000 and 23,997 years ago, sweetcorn at them. Eventually in their considered opinion, is Commented one
Homo novolaborensis, who stole that not giving everyone food they took to cultivating an extremely bad and naughty anonymous Cuth's student,
their loin-cloths. did no-one any favours. This vegetables and being nice to thing. But what do they "How dare he smoke in here?
fundamental reappraisal had everyone, whilst muttering know? They're a bunch of Doesn't he realise the damage
Homo toriensis no effect whatsoever and they under their breath about all the
boring Euro-squares! he's doing to himself and the
A species of the Homo genus, starved to death. other tribes.
The steep fall in the others around him?" before
living predominately on The whole species was
price of heroin is reportedly downing a litre of Vodka,
lowland plains; their favoured Homo novolaborensis eaten by a large and
resulting from a surge in singing the national anthem
environment is believed to The successors to Homo moderately aggressive badger.
opium production in and attacking an innocent
have been the flood plain laborensis, Homo novolaborensis
Afghanistan following the horse with a stolen stiletto
between Middlesex and Kent. were the first proto-humans
overthrow of the Taliban in shoe full of sick. The logical
2001. It is believed that opium question is, if the person had
production now actually been smoking heroin, or even
exceeds global demand. As a 'crack pipe', would this
Afghanistan accounts for socially difficult moment have
about 90 percent of world arisen?
opium, this massive surplus With NATO troops
over the past 5 years has been battling a Taliban insurgency
driving prices down, down, fuelled by the drugs trade, and
down. Why let such a good high street prices to make
opportunity to expand your your mouth water, drool and
horizons go to waste? eventually froth, this reporter
I haven't even is going to get down with the
Progress? mentioned the best bit yet: good shit.
Page 9 | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

MH Mergers & Acquisitions

Durham University and City arrange merger
Magnus Taylor propaganda, 'purple radio.' It carrying out indiscriminate swift intervention of the newly doughnut stocks within the
interrupted its broadcast of a acts of rape and pillage. appointed King of Durham region. (MH's undercover
Durham University has since fascinating documentary on Popular suggestions to combat University, Mr William Bryson. DSU reporter will keep you
time immemorial been a the musical tastes of St the problem had included the Mr Bryson (voted MH's informed on this crucial
bastion of the cobbled street, Cuthbert (a combination of declaration of civil war against 'cuddliest man in the world' investigation.)
the picture postcard view and electro-folk and anarko-punk) all 'northerners, locals and 2001, 2002, 2004 and 2006) MH is keen to assert
most importantly a strident to reveal to its seven listeners vagrants' coupled with the reportedly raised the idea on a that the merger will in no way
commitment to its historic details of the planned merger. construction of giant state visit to Gregg's bakery in affect the average Durham
republican traditions. The changes will primarily perimeter wall surrounding the which he allegedly bought out student's ability to roam the
However, as a wise man once remove the university's control city centre. However it is the entire city's supply of jam confines of the city with a
said, "the times they are a over an independent foreign believed that these doughnuts. It seems that Bill feeling of grandeur and total
changing." In a bold new move and fiscal policy and lower its warmongering demands (as he likes to be known) superiority. It is only really
it has been revealed that the status to that of a mere stemmed entirely from the willingly signed a document relevant as a symbolic
world's most august and institution of higher standard demagoguery of the relinquishing all his executive diplomatic act to show a true
respectably middle class education. This news should gutter press and have been powers over the independent and heartfelt contribution to
institution is to reverse two come as little surprise to many successfully defeated by a state. Other reports do north eastern integration is
hundred years of stubborn as recently the independent more diplomatic policy of however suggest that this was being made. Afterall it's a lot
separatism and unite itself position of the university has 'integration, cooperation and infact an accident as Bill easier and more desirable than
with its sister state, the city of become increasing untenable. all round niceness' thought he was adding his actually letting any of the local
Durham. Hordes of savage locals have championed by the university name to a standard DSU blighters into the university,
The news was revealed made increasingly regular and authorities. It is petition calling for a debate god forbid that should ever
to Durham students through unchallenged forays across the thought that the credit for and full investigation into the happen.
the great tool of republican border with the intention of diffusing the crisis lies with the worrying depletion of jam

DUS to merge with DSU,

inter-society war looms...
Siddharth Khajuria been raised in shady meetings thought to have burdened the
held with MH journalists at the DUS and DSU. It will embark
Following complaints of Swan & Three as to DICC-U's on a PR blitz designed to deter
acronymical confusion from reluctance to employ DUCK's any allegations of snobbery.
Durham's bespectacled and spelling of Kommittee. DUSS-U's newly announced
dyslexic communities, the DUSS-U's willingness Penguin Outreach Program
Student's Union (DSU) and to poke fun at Durham's other will provide free dinner jackets
Union Society (DUS) have societies did not stop there, to the University's financially
agreed to merge in a mega-deal however. When pushed, Chaz needy students. The society
worth £46. Codenamed Hampstead, a source close to will also maintain the DSU's
DUSS-U, the deal is being DUSS-U's President, Alistair egalitarian approach to
touted as the best thing for Duncan, was found more than membership. All new students
aspiring Durham politicians willing to lash out at DUCK will be compelled to join, a
since the emergence of NUS itself. Questioning the move also designed to fend off
annual conferences. relevance of Kilimanjaro and critics who have attempted to
Said DUSS-U's PR Everest to the plight of the label societies as elitist.
officer, Dick Templeton, in a world's poor and oppressed, DUSS-U membership
thinly veiled barb at Durham's he mused, "I don't understand fees will be £46 for life and
Intercollegiate Christians, what climbing a mountain has automatically debited from
"DUSS-U has the some to do with saving lives, one your accounts upon arrival at
onomatopoeic flair as DICC- should just join the Labour the University. For further
U". DUSS-U's political sharks party instead." questions, email DUSS-U's PR
have already been briefing Indeed, DUSS-U department at
against Durham's alternative seems determined to free itself
acronyms. Questions have of the image problems The DUSSU AGM draws attention from locals...
MostlyHarmless | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | Page 10

Poverty is Holy
Andrew Tickell tide of wealth from affecting counts. Quite rightly, he seeks
ordinary, poverty stricken to restore some sort of
In a speech in Montevideo African people. "Economics principle to the idea of fiscal
today, Pop Benedict the has shown that poverty is an vacancy."
Umpteeth outflanked his inevitable phenomenon. If However, this position
critics by pledging the Catholic it's unavoidable, let's be sure was hastily dribbled upon by
Church to the Apostolic we do it right." Joham Hari, writing in the
poverty of Christ and the Faithful locals in Independent. "Speaking as an
furtherance of the Holy Spirit Mahrud, Not Europe, have overweight queer who's sister
in the face of growing moral already begun dismantling is an unemployed single
relativism. Removing his wells constructed by Western mother and who's father is an
distinctive white silken Gap Year students. "They immigrant, who was bullied in
pontifical robe and donning never worked anyway. They school, who's had several
instead a plain-wool Primark forgot to put them over token drug experiences
Cassock, Pop Benedict ground wells," complained (…&c.&c.…) I think Primark
promised a return to "core one local cameraman, Phil cassocks are fucking unfair.
values and the denial of the Wansworth, Surrey, hurling What would Popey know
World." the balsawood construction about being a Catholic? My
Senior party members onto the apostolic pyre. aunt was Catholic. I should be
and sources close to the The Pop's statement Pope."
Pontiff confirm that the was tentatively applauded by The Pop's statement
strong grained-central plank elements of the western comes in the week where
of the Pop's "contemptus media, most vocally by American Federal Judges were
mundi" policy would be the Professor Viscount called to rule upon an alleged
maintenance of African Monckton, Chairman and sole transcript error in the
poverty. Criticising recent aid member of the prominent American constitution.
efforts as 'misplaced Conservative Polytoyn-B Arguing the draftsman simply
worldliness', Benedict praised Research Institute. "The mistook his wording between
the penniless African people mistake liberals make is to provisional and final drafts of
for refraining from lifting conceive of economic paucity the document, the Veritas
themselves out of the gravel. as a relative phenomenon. groups seek to correct the
Granting corrupt politicians This move, properly minor error, restoring the
the honorary title of "Fidei constructed by me, is clearly national shibboleth: "One
Defensors", the Pop heaped part of the Pop's war on the nation, under Mammon".
praise upon these individuals' idea of relativity. For Pop,
efforts to prevent the inward only absolute impoverishment

...Hannah Yadi wonders whether

Hannah Yadi green politics can ever go too far
Page 11 | Issue 2, Epiphany 2007 | MostlyHarmless

The MH Literary Review 2007

The Durham Bums
Jack Kerouac does the Durham congestion charge for MH...
Sal Moriarty pronouncements of signposts. executed the most perfect and
Where was the dream now? It beautiful three point turn
We left the jazz behind before had left us and lay shattered imaginable. We roared out of
it all kicked off. All the whiskey and broken on cold cold stone that place like jack rabbits
I'd drunk was flowing through under the brooding presence beneath the tyres of trucks
me and clouding my senses. It of God's mighty house. speeding through the Arizona
was a mad night. Dean and me The stars were night. Ahead of us stood the
piled back into the convertible obscured and rain hit my road. We could follow its
and roared up to the barrier in upturned face. Dean turned to asphalt dreams until we left
the cobbled stones. A board me grinning like a man who this cold dead land. One
said '£5 to enter and no knew that today has already straight burn south and we
parking without a permit.' We gone and all that lay ahead of would arrive in a place that
threw our heads back to the us was an infinitely extending stood shining like a beacon in
great expanse of open sky and expanse of dangerous my dreams. The name of the
laughed the laughs of men horizon. He revved the great place was Cambridge.
unused to obeying the beast of an engine and On the road to nirvana...

Fear and Loathing in the North

And the late Hunter S. Thompson ‘does the DUCK Race’...
Richard Hadden to cover up our shirts: I felt to get out of here. Look at the echelon blow jobs. Not
certain we'd be arrested for PEOPLE. They're watching something I wanted to think
It was three in the afternoon some kind of gross public us." He gibbered some more, about. THE DUCK RACE,
when we got to the bridge and indecency, and then they'd gave a hacking cough, like SPONSORED BY BIG EVIL
the drugs slowed down on us. look into our eyes, and we'd trying to vomit the inside of CONSULTANCIES. So. This
The leopards prowling about have to look straight back and his stomach through his nose was the point. Corporate
predatorily and growling were try to hide the paranoia and and ears simultaneously. racing of ducks. One small
cut down to a pack of people the fact that after three days "This is serious. The step to Vietnam. AND THE
with a bad taste in hats and with no sleep, coming down ducks, man. The DUCKS! PICNIC HAMSTER
talking rubbish about ball from acid, you just don't look That's all that matters." SANDWICH SHOP.
games and drink and sodomy. normal. Then they'd hunt us "Excuse me". I Bastards. They cheated me out
Sodomy? Can't have heard like dogs. Or drown us like approached some kid, far too of my tuna fish sub. I badly
right, but they look the sort. Is plastic ducks. That seemed to young to responsibly stand on needed that nutrition. My
that why I'm getting all these be the kind of trip these guys a bridge in this day and age, trembling hand mouthed the
looks? were on up here… especially dressed in a pink same opinion back to me. IS
Quickly enough I My attorney gave me jumper. I could sense that he ABOUT TO GO IN
could see this was not the one of those looks. "The was embroiled in the process THREE. The throng perked
place for shorts and Acapulco fucking bigwigs and fatcats are that is termed as 'education.' itself up collectively. Poor
shirts, garish pink with just here, man," he said lurching He'd been taught from an fools. Didn't they notice doom
enough speckles of lime to round, swinging his arm wildly early age to avoid men like me stalking? TWO, ONE. GO.
stop us being inconspicuous. I at a woman in a furry hat, with fear in their eyes and Some mechanical building
remember shouting something three and half ferrets at least, paranoia seeping from every equipment dumped a million
like: "Get off the shirts. The and a scarf five times wider pore. "Where are the ducks? plastic ducks off the bridge
lime, man: these great flecks of than her neck. She ducked, Why are they so QUIET?" I into the river. A senseless,
it are making us glow in the scowled and I dragged him off croaked. A loudspeaker senseless waste.
dark". We desperately needed to a bench somewhere to be interrupted his reply. "Fuck that" said the
coats, big fuckers hacked off less conspicuous. "Stoppit. THANK YOU FOR crowd. "Tequila sunrise" said
huskies, before we froze to Dammit. We have to be here YOUR PATIENCE. The guy my attorney from the bench
death in the northern to cover the RACE." was a bigwig. Contacts high up where he'd just stopped
wasteland of this island. And "No we aren't, we have fuck knows where. Upper drooling. The late Hunter S.
MH Travel Guides
bandit country and beyond. Samaritan, buy the book and
So, whether you're go say hello. And if you spot
planning spring break or anything fishy, phone the
wondering where to take the CIA or email
kids on your next budget
holiday, look no further - m. The accommodation
MH:Travel's new range of section outlines potential
guides is set to broaden pitfalls, with a brief history
every holidaymaker's of recent explosions in the
horizons. vicinity of each hotel or
Divided neatly into hostel. Guest Editor
sections designed to be easily Sherman Tember, a former
accessible in nuclear fallout hostage, also guides you
shelters, Rogue States carefully through the dos and don'ts
walks you through planning of hostage situations with a
and enjoying your next trip range of profound insights.
to the world's nether regions. Highlights include:
Be it through explaining the "Terrorists are easily
art of Iranian visa interview angered. Stay calm, passive
technique or the depicting and assume Canadian
the nuanced complexities of identity" and "denounce the
North Korean courtship, two-state solution as neo-
MH has the answers. con gobbledegook."
Your trusty band of Throughout this
buccaneering journalists guide you'll find
spent their New Year unprecedented attention to
scouring the Axis of Evil detail and political context.
and beyond to put Rogue We realise that this is a
States together. It wasn't all volatile part of the world,
hard-work and drudgery and, with that in mind, the
though: we even dispatched unsurpassable tact of our
a couple of young halfwits authors, from front cover
to explore the debauched onwards, will stand you in
realities of Pyongyang's club good stead.
scene. Check the photos Your intrepid MH
section for something a little correspondents, often
different to the usual palm perceived (correctly) as a
trees. bunch of unrefined,

mostlyharmless travel: MH believes that the

cobbled streets of Iran and
the sandy North Korean
Trotsky-loving socialists, saw
a need to open up access to
an area of the world

taking you where beaches are crying out for

bejewelled Gap Year
students and the left-leaning
generally devastated by the
CIA. We hope you enjoy our
labour of love. Copies

insurance won’t...
Siddharth Khajuria Struggling to choose the best Sponsored by the
middle classes to visit them.
For some nations, caught in
the midst of neo-
available for £7.99 from your
nearest bookshop.
Otherwise, pop into the MH
conservative, pseudo- office for a copy signed by
kindergarten in Kabul? Iraqi Department of
imperialist "banter", it has the surviving members of
Ever wondered about Think Afghanistan's opium Tourism, MH:Travel's Rogue
indeed become a Lonely the guide's editorial team.
haggling etiquette at a tours are the perfect route to States on a Shoestring promises
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Baghdad flea market? Gap Year self discovery? to guide you safely through
waiting for? Be a good